Peter's Friends Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Peter's Friends script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Kenneth Branagh movie with Emma Thompson, Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry, etc.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Peter's Friends. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Peter's Friends Script



There are some friends you'll have

for the rest of your life.



You're welded together

by love,







or loss.



Or in our case,

simple embarrassment.



Stand clear of the doors.



Mind the gap.



Let's all go down to Oxford Circus,

past Trafalgar Square...



And then from Charing Cross

right up to Euston.



Then change to the Victoria,



then the Piccadilly

takes us round to Gloucester Road,




and Notting Hill Gate.



Holland Park, and Shepherds Bush.



- Ladbroke Grove, Westbourne Park.

- Royal Oak and Paddington.



Edgware Road and Baker Street.



Great Portland Street

and Euston Square.



Barbican and Aldgate East

and change for Tower Hill.



Fulham Broadway,

heading down for Wimbledon.



Wimbledon Park.

Now we've crossed the Thames.



Back to Earl's Court

right up to Victoria.



Change for Green Park.



Home in time for tea.



To check the map to find

the route to start again.



So, after tea

we're off again.



We go through Swiss Cottage

heading northward on the Jubilee.



We change to the Metropolitan

at Finchley Road,



which takes us round

to change at Rayner's Lane.



- Sudbury Hill and Sudbury Town.

- Alperton and Acton Town.



- Chiswick Park and Turnham Green.

- Stamford Brook and Ravenscourt Park.



- Hammersmith and Barons Court.

- West Kensington and Bayswater.



And again, Paddington...



Then change for Maida Vale.



Willesden Junction.



Didn't notice Kensal Green.



Watford High Street.

Christ, we've gone too far.



Stop at Watford.

Back again to Baker Street.



King's Cross, Moorgate,

Northern line to Bank.



And the escalator link

to Monument.



We jump the Circle

and we're going round and round



and round and round.



All change!



Perhaps we shouldn't have closed

with the Underground Song.



Just keep thinking of the fee,

my cherubs.     pounds.



- It could have been worse.

- Yes, it could have been worse.



They could have attached

electrodes to our genitals!



I think they enjoyed it,

in their own way.



Yes, they're just one of those

audiences that enjoy it... later.



They get home and think:

Yes, I rather enjoyed that.



Should we give them our

individual telephone numbers then?



I shall expect dozens

of phone calls saying:



"I know I looked bored shitless

throughout the evening,



but on reflection, Roger was right.

I had a fantastic time".



You two are so cynical.



We should hire a lawyer

and sue that audience.



- Paul enjoyed it.

- You are such a little cutie.



Maggie, are you doing

a magic trick over there?



Oh, Maggie!



I have to say, Peter.



Why did your father book us if

his friends weren't going to laugh.



And you have to say that?



Will you take a picture of us?



Not a photograph!

Not a photo!



It's the last performance

we'll do together,



and it's New Year's Eve

and I want a photograph.



We're not students anymore.



Thank God.



Hurry up!

I haven't got all night!






All right. Bah after three.






Welcome to your life.



There's no turning back.



Even while we sleep,



we will find you

acting on your best behaviour.



Turn your back on

Mother Nature.



Everybody wants to

rule the world.



It's my own design.



It's my own remarks.



Help me to decide.



Help me make the most

of freedom and of pleasure.



Nothing ever lasts forever.



Everybody wants to

rule the world.



There's a room where

the light won't find you.



Holding hands while the walls

come tumbling down.



When they do,

I'll be right behind you.



So glad we've almost made it.



So sad they had to fade it.



Everybody wants to

rule the world.



Peter, if you're going to

stay in the house,



I shall have to file

certain papers with the court.



The local rating system alone

is very complicated.



I shall need to

go through that with you.



But to be honest with you,

Mr. Gooch,



I'm not sure what I'm

going to do with this house.



Your father provided generously

for Vera and Paul in his will,



and the part time staff

have also been taken care of.



I know.



Perhaps you could

rent the property out.



I could arrange that for you.



- Not sure.

- Or I could get a valuation done.



I'm sorry to be so vague,

Mr. Gooch.



But you'll be delighted to know

I've made one decision.



What's that?



I'm going to have a party.



Andrew and Carol

in there, I think.



And Maggie in there.



Vera, if you'd be happier

leaving before the holidays...



I'd understand completely.



And Sarah and...

her friend in there.



I've said I'll stay

till the first of the year.



Roger and Mary in there.



Which of course is lovely and

much appreciated, Vera,



but I wish you'd please try,

as a special favour to me,



not to be quite so gothic

to my friends.



When my bags come in...



Excuse me, but are you

who I think you are?



I think I might be.



- What's your name again?

- Carol Benson.






Carol Benson.



- "Who's in the Kitchen?"

- What?



It's a situation comedy.

My wife is the star.



It's made us millions of dollars.

You must come visit us.



I knew I knew you!



My children watch you

on television!



I've never seen the show myself.



It's on at   in the afternoon.

I usually have things to do.



But they love it.

It was nice to meet you.



- Susan, was it?

- Carol.



Well, I'll just call you

"The Kitchen Lady".



Andrew, you know what I hate most

about being a public figure?



The public.

That's one of mine.



What the fuck have you got

in here, weights?






Ben, please play with the tractor

that cost Daddy    pounds,



not the box it came in.



This is very important.



Every time Ben goes to sleep,

it must be switched on, all right?



Wherever you are in the house,

you must carry this intercom.



If he stops breathing,

an alarm will go,



and you get to him immediately

and start resuscitation.



- Sure you know mouth-to-mouth?

- I'm a qualified nurse.



Please don't worry Mrs. Anderson.



You and your husband go

and enjoy a couple of days break.



Everything will be fine.



Maybe we should

take Ben with us.



- Could you hold him, please?

- Certainly.



Look, we haven't been out of

this house at night for   months.



- Please!

- I'll worry the whole time.



But we're expected. It'll be

great to see everyone again.



All right, let me say goodbye

to him once more.



Bye, sweetheart,

we'll see you in   days.



All right? Mummy and Daddy

will see you in   days.



I've never left him

overnight before.



I've left pictures

of myself everywhere.



Look, Michael.






That's supposed to help.



I'll come in twice a day

and freshen his food and water.



Please, don't let him

follow me into the hall,



'cause he might try and...

run after me.



Where is he?



He ran into the bedroom.



He's putting on a brave face.



You have my telephone number.



Just in case you need to

get in touch.



Please don't hesitate to call.



Bye, Michael.




Bye-bye, Michael.




I'm going, bye.



Don't let him follow me,

all right?






No, no, no!






Sarah! Sarah!



Sarah! It's Maggie!



Maggie, you look wonderful!



You must be Clive.

I've heard so much about you.



- Actually, this is Brian.

- I meant Brian.



I completely meant Brian.

I'm very bad with names.



It's completely my fault.

She's talked about Brian for months.



We only met

a couple of weeks ago.






You look very happy together.

I wonder who's picking us up.






- Are you Paul?

- Yes.



Oh, my God! Little Paul!



What about that train!



How is Peter?

Is he all right?



I guess.



- So hard losing a parent.

- I guess.



I think this is going to have

a positive effect on Peter.



He even sounded different

on the phone.



More mature.



More sturdy.



Ready to settle down,

don't you think?



- I guess.

- Me too.






Peter's hopeless, Mags.

He's the loveliest boy in the world



but he's never been able to hold

down a job or relationship.



You know that.

He's hopeless.



People change.



Paul's certainly changed.



I heard this extraordinary story

about Greta Garbo the other day.



Apparently she and

Georgia O'Keefe



used to keep this Alsatian

that used to lick them.



Did he?

So how many of the...?



Oh, right.



Yes, well you make sure that...



Yeah, okay then.



Yes, you are right.



Look, I'll phone

as soon as we get there.



To see if everything's all right

Thanks a lot. Bye.



Fucking hell!



Look at you!



Look at you!



Mr. California!



Hello, my darling!



- Did you bring a surfboard?

- No, that's just Carol.



Ignore him.

He's a monster.



Carol, it's joyful gorgeousity.



- What's all this, then?

- It's called a pot belly, Andrew.



We have those in England,

along with culture.



- Be careful with everything.

- Yes, ma'am.



You look great!



Miss Benson... sorry...



I heard you were going to be here.

I'm a really big fan.



Thank you, just grab something

from the trunk and follow them.



- Mags, old girl!

- Peter!



Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter!



We've just got the   days, Maggie.



It would be nice to make it

into the house at some stage.



Roger and Mary!






I'm going inside

to grab the best room.



Of course you are,

my darling.



Excuse me.

Are those heavy enough for you?




Could I...?



Hello, Andrew.



How are you?



Could I be a terrible bore

and use your phone?



Yes, of course.



- Well, come on then.

- Yes.



Thank you all very much.

I'm very grateful.



- Thank you.

- Thank you madam.



- Thank you.

- Ta.



- Thank you.

- No, actually, I'm a guest.



- A guest?

- Yeah.



- Then why did you carry my bags?

- I don't know.



Can you tell me which room

my girlfriend's in?



- Does she have a name?

- Sorry. Sarah.



She's in that room.



- Everything all right, Vera?

- Not enough towels.



Andrew, you should see our room.

It is to die for!



My wife.












Look at this armoire!

Is it real?



No, it's imaginary.



Whose are these?



I'm afraid there's been

a bit of misunderstanding.



Those are my suits.

This is my room.



I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.



No, no that's quite all right.

Yours is next door.



Is it as nice as this one?






I am kidding.



If this were my house,

I'd want the best room.



Andrew... bags.



She's fun when she's asleep.



- I heard that.

- Thank you, darling.



Tidings of comfort and joy,



comfort and joy.



Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.



Brenda says everything is fine.






He had a bottle and

a whole jar of apple sauce.



Good, probably no need

to call tomorrow then.



Are you saying

I'm ringing too often?



I can't help it if

I'm concerned about my baby.



Are you saying

I'm not concerned?



Because I don't ring every   seconds

doesn't mean I'm not concerned.



Hello you two.

Got everything you need?



Yeah, fine thanks.



Towels, spoons?



Heaps of spoons.



- Mary?

- Fine, thanks.



It's good to get away, actually.



I'm sorry I haven't seen

either of you since...



No, don't be silly.



This is the first time we've

been out since it happened.



- Ben's all right though?

- Yes, Ben is very bonny.



So, all you've got to worry about

are murderers and perverts.






I'll see you both downstairs

at   if that's all right.






we were very sorry

to hear about your father.



Thank you.



- Thanks for inviting us down.

- Tish tosh, nonsense!



Wouldn't work if

you two lovelies weren't here.



Well, I'll see you both downstairs.



I could feel the cellulite

building up on the plane.



I wonder if any airlines

have planes with gyms?



I was going to suggest

we flew Gym Air,



but I thought you'd prefer

a plane with a seat.



A gym on a plane

is a good idea.



And that's what

makes you, you, darling.



You promised you'd be

nicer to me on this trip.



Because I thought we were

getting away from it all.



I didn't realise

you'd bring it all with you.



You'd love me less

if I were fat.



I think I'll take a walk.



Hiya, sexy.



Hello. Just came to see

you're doing this properly.



Oh, no!

You're doing it all wrong.



Now I'll have to help you.



So, do you have wood

in Los Angeles?



- We have Hollywood.

- Now, now. Stop it.



- I don't want to tell you again.

- Sorry.



I got your letter.



Thank you.

It meant a great deal to me.



My father was very fond of you.



I was fond of him.



Well, you understood him better.

I wasted him.



- No.

- Yes, I did.



It's funny.



With both my parents gone,

I suddenly...



have this overwhelming urge

to act maturely.



I don't think

anyone really matures.



Adults are just children

who owe money.



Come on.



One more?






Strange about Father.



We fought each other for years

and now, I miss him.



Well of course you do, Peter.



So all this is yours now,

Eh, your lordshipful?



Kneel when you say that kindly.



Doesn't Sarah look good still?



- Very fruity.

- Yes.



Maggie's still Maggie,

of course.



Roger and Mary seem

to be holding up okay.



I suppose so.



- Horrid thing to have to go through.

- Absolutely.



I think if there is a God,

he takes a lot of long lunches.



- Are you all right?

- Yes, it is...



- Oh, uh yourself.

- How is everything out there?



You know, Carol and I have

an obscene amount of money.



- How long have you been married?

- Almost three years.



That's quite long time

for Hollywood, isn't it?



You get some kind of plaque?



If we stay together for   years

I get free hair transplants,



and she gets a new set of breasts.



- What? So she'll have  ?

- Yes, but her agent gets one.



No, no stop it!



You fell for that.

I didn't think you would.



Is that cream you're putting in that?



- Are you making any without cream?

- No.



I can't have cream.



- Then you'd better not eat any.

- What's that I smell?



That's what we're

having for dinner.



Cream of mushroom soup,

roast beef and Yorkshire pudding,



buttered carrots, sprouts, parsnips,

mashed potatoes and trifle.



Should I send for the ambulance?



Lord Malton drew up the menu.

You'll have to talk to him.



Why don't you make me

a baked potato, steam a few carrots



and broil me a piece of chicken

without the skin?



Why don't you go down to the shop,

buy whatever it is that you want



and cook your self?



Did you never see

"Upstairs, Downstairs"?



So, how's the world

of publishing?




very busy.



Any news

on the boyfriend front?



I was kind of seeing someone.



An author.



And what happened?



He committed suicide.



- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It's all right,



honestly, really.



I didn't really like him

very much.



I liked him even less

after he committed suicide.



How did he do it?



Threw himself off a building.



He couldn't even do that properly.



It was only a   storey building.



He would have survived,



only a car ran him over.



- It's not funny.

- It is slightly funny, Maggie.



I suppose so.

Yes it is slightly funny.



What sort of books did he write?



- Self-help.

- Of course.



Oh, sorry.






we've just published

a new self-help book,




"You Already Know your Mate"



That sound reasonable.



It's about how sometimes

you know someone



and who you should be married to...



but you don't think of him

as marriage potential.



Because, you know,

he's your friend.



But, Mags, I'm sorry to break

your heart, but I am taken.



Not you, Andrew?






Peter? Oh, Mags...



Peter's never been very

interested in women.



- He's definitely gay then, is he?

- I don't know.



Well you're his best friend.



But I haven't seen him for   years.

We haven't discussed it.



I don't think he's very

interested in men either.



And that's the point, I don't think

he's a very interested, full stop.



I think it's just because he hasn't

met the right woman.



Or rather...



he hasn't realised that he has

met the right woman.



But he hasn't realised it.



Got a wife and kids

in Baltimore, Jack.



I went out for a ride

and I never went back.



Like a river that don't know

where it's flowing.



I took a wrong turn

and I just can't go home.



Everybody's got

a hungry heart.



Everybody's got

a hungry heart.



Lay down your money

and you play your part.



Everybody's got a

hungry heart.



I met her in a Kingstown bar.



We fell in love,

I knew it had to end.



We took what we had

and we ripped it apart.



Now here I am down in

Kingstown again.



Everybody's got

a hungry heart.



You look sensational.



You look very nice too, Sarah.



Do you want us to sit anywhere

in particular?



Wherever you like. Just make

sure you face the table.



- Good evenings darlings.

- Hello.



Carol will be down in a minute.

She's just gluing her hair on.



All right if I sit here?



- Maggie.

- Hello.



Can I talk to you

for just a minute?



Oh, certainly.



I don't know what this about,



but if something's hanging out my nose

and no-one's told me, it's trouble.



I need to sit next to Peter.






Why don't we go boy, girl,

boy... Maggie, yeah?






You look lovely.



... Greta Garbo and Georgia O'Keefe.



And they used to keep this

Alsatian that used to lick them.



What's wrong with him?






- Evening all.

- Hello.



Does this bother anyone?

I'll put it out.



Oh, my Goodness!



Oh, this? This is a just

something very expensive.



Peter, this house is gorgeous.



I wanted to buy an English mansion

in Bel Air,



but Andrew said it was vulgar.



It was just like this,

only brand new.



Excuse me.

Could you put that out, please?



Carol, I think you've met




Peter of course you know.




Sarah, Roger and...



- I want to say Ebenezer...

- Brian.



Brian, I'm so sorry. Brian's such

a close second behind Ebenezer.



Hello, everybody.



I've met Brian.

I'm surprised you're here.



I thought you'd be

carrying bags somewhere.



- What does she mean?

- It's all right, a private joke.



- Hi, I'm Carol.

- Carol who took our Andrew away.



Would you like him back?

It can be arranged.



Everything's fine at home.



I know.



Paul, would you be a blessed poppet

and wine everybody up?



Well, I'd just like to say...



before the festivities begin.



Just a little.



I haven't had alcohol since I was

pregnant with the twins.



I'd just like to...



None for me and none for him.

We are A.A.



- Yes, well, I'd say, and intend to...

- Sorry.



Red, thanks.



- Yes well, you...

- White for me, please.



I'm sorry.



No, really...



All I wanted to say...



was what I can think of

no finer, fluffier,



shiner people



to see the New Year in with

your good selves.



And I'd like you all to raise

your glasses...



to old friends who should see

each other more often.



- To old friends

- And their wives.



And their wives.



I warn you girls,

it is swimming in cream.



Don't get me wrong.



If I'm looking kind of dazzled.



I see neon lights.



Whenever you walk by.



Don't get me wrong.



If I split life like a fruitcake.



I'm only after one thing.



Across the moonlit night.



Once in a while...



two people meet,



pass on the street.



Suddenly thunder...



showers everywhere.



Who can explain

the thunder and rain,



but there's something in the air.






So, Carol,

tell me all about Hollywood.



There's nothing to tell, really.



It's a factory town, like Detroit.



Hollywood is a community that

churns out entertainment.



Can I just say that I love

"Who's in The Kitchen?"



Thank you very much.



I'm embarrassed to say

I haven't seen it, sorry.



I haven't had a chance

to watch it yet either.



- When's it on?

- It's on at four.



I'm glad none of you have seen it.

Because it's shit.



It's not shit.



It's shit with a capital "sh".



It's number   in the ratings.



I was interested to hear you

describe Hollywood



as a community, Carol.



I mean all those high fences,

and security patrols and...



nobody ever talking

to each other.



I was reminded of that remark

by Chesterton.



"A truly adventurous person



wouldn't cross the globe

or climb mountains.



He'd just jump over

the his neighbour's fence".



The real test of

an individual's character



is to be dropped down

a random chimney...



and to be able to get on with the set

of people he finds there.



If you think about it, that's what

happens to us when we're born.



We have to get on with

the strangers we find there.



Isn't typical of Chesterton

thought to describe a...



chimney as a kind of uterus.



Typical, it's really typical.






Would you like a special

room set aside or something?



I'm sorry.



We haven't been together long.

Sometimes we get carried away.



That's very romantic.



The first time we fucked

each other was in a phone box.



Brian is in the production of

"Cherry Orchard" I'm costuming.



And it is not a patch on

"Who's in The Kitchen".



Actually, I based it on

the "The Cherry Orchard".



Extraordinary coincidence.



- Can I just make a phone call?

- Of course.






- How is everything, Rog?

- Well, it's...



So Rog, what do you do?



I'm a jingle writer.



Those funny little tunes

at the end of commercials?




Roger and Mary are



the number one jingle writers

in England, Brian.



- Really?

- Yes.



- No, not number one.

- Isn't that brilliant?



What are you

working on now?



Is it, you know, top secret?



It's a new coffee campaign.



Can you sing it for us?



- Sing it for us now.

- No, no.



Please, go on.

All right then.



I'll do one.



So name me a product.



Oh right, I'll tell you what,

I'll do an airline.



Fine, right,

here we go.



Fly high.



Fly with us.



Come on, that's all right.



Have to work on it a bit

to get it to rhyme, but it's okay.



So how much would you make

for doing one of those?



I make a living.



Did you always want to be

a jingle writer?



- No, but...

- I always wanted to be an actor.



Did you?



It's terribly funny.



You are not at all the way

I thought you'd be.



'Cause you seem really nice.



And from everything I've read

about you in the newspapers,



I thought you'd be...









Everything's fine.



Just hearing about your

jingle writing.



How do you do that,

a career and twins?



In fact I was going to ask you...



whether you use your twins

in your commercials?



I know very often in

the movies they do use twins.



Like when one twin

starts to go off...



- they just bring in the other one.

- Brian!



Excuse me.



Sorry, what?



One of our twins died.



I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.



It's not like me to put

my foot in it.



I've got it,






Fly high.



Fly with me

and happy you'll be.



How much would

I get paid for that?



Somewhere in the region

of    millions pounds.



Oh, Vera, that looks delicious.

What are they?



"Petit Fours".

My very own recipe.



None for me thank you.

Four's my unlucky number.



Do you have "Petit Fives"?



It's a joke.



- Do you have any fresh fruit?

- Yes, it's in the kitchen.



That could be really good, Carol.



If you went in the kitchen

and you dropped something...



you made a noise, then

we could say...



"Who's in the kitchen?"



I thought now would be

a good time,



to get out the presents.



Sarah and Brian...



I'm sorry, Maggie.

I didn't get you anything.



I didn't get anyone else

anything either.



Mags, Christmas was last week.



Well you know, call them

New Year presents.



Well New Year's Eve's

tomorrow, Maggie.



Is this an English tradition

I don't know about?



We always celebrate

December   th.



They're only little.

Don't make such a fuss.



We didn't get you anything.



Look just take

the fucking presents.



- Shall I get that?

- No.



It'll be for Peter.

Leave it.



I can't.



Look, it's a naughty book.

"Erotic Eastern Art".









Maggie's fine?



Bit embarrassed.



Don't mention it.



Who was that on the phone?



Mary got it. She thought it

might be the babysitter.



Brian, it's for you.



It's your wife.






Oh, Maggie!



- Thanks.

- Maggie, this is lovely.



So, Catch of the Day

is married, is he?




Brian, married?



Not really.

He wants to divorce her.



He left her one

before he met me,



for a whole weekend.



They don't sleep together.



They don't.



He was going to tell her, but didn't

want to spoil Christmas for the kid.



- They've got a kid?

- A little boy.



That's why he didn't leave her

years ago. For Nicholas' shake.






I don't know how she

found out he was here.



She thinks he's rehearsing

in Reading.



Don't you think

we look great together?



You never change, do you?



What do you mean?



Don't get me wrong.

I'm not condemning you.



I hope it works out.



I just don't know

where you find the energy.



I can barely get round

the supermarket.



- It'll work out.

- Well, I hope so.



This one's different.

He really loves me.



I don't know you very well, Sarah.



You're very pretty and I'm sure

you do marvellous things to his dick,



but believe me, they will

never leave their wife and kids.



Brian will.



This time it's different.



You always think that

and it's always the same.



Remember how in love

you were with Andrew



until he left that girl Carrie

and got engaged to you?



Then you couldn't get rid

of him fast enough.



Could she, Andrew?



I can't remember.

It was a long time ago.



It was, you know...



a different lifetime.




I've left my wife.






I've told her about us.

I've told her everything.



Which of you friends of little faith

would like to apologise first?



Good luck to both of you.

I'm going to bed.



Thank you for dinner, Peter.

I enjoyed watching it.



Now you have two

to choose from, Sarah.



Thanks, Mary.

Thanks a lot.



Thank God.

Now I can have a fag.



I'm not angry.

I'm just embarrassed.



Is there anyone else down there

you used to sleep with?



It was    years ago!

You were married to someone else.



That is not the point.

I did not try to keep it a secret.



I didn't try to

keep it a secret.



I just didn't think it was

worth mentioning.



You were engaged to

that fuck-monster



and didn't think it was

worth mentioning?



No, I didn't.



- So she was a fuck-monster.

- I did not say that.



You did not deny it.



- Do you still have feelings for her?

- Look, she's my friend.



She is my very screwed up friend

who I am very fond of.



She has a problem getting

involved with anyone available.



- That's all.

- And what are you?



I'm unavailable.



And what is Brian,

now that he has left his wife?



- He's available.

- So, where does that leave me?



Sitting at the edge of the bed.



You're being totally irrational.



What the fuck is this?



Are you angry because I didn't

mention I was engaged to Sarah,



or are you angry because

you're married to me?



I don't know!



Carol, let's try not to

make a big deal out of this.



I guess if we were

sleeping together, I wouldn't.



I thought we using this vacation

to try and work things out.



How are we going to

do that here?



I'm stuck here

in a freezing drawing room



with the cast of

Masterpiece Theatre.



Exactly how far do you think

we are going to get?



They are my best friends.

I live in California.



I see them once every century.



Well, if that's what's

important to you,



then go down and visit them.



I'm going to bed.



Remember that cabaret

we did in Bradford?



That horrible thing.



We went on after

The Fabulous Poodles.



Now there was a band.

What happened to them?



Don't know.

But we went on after them.



Peter was in the middle.

It was his opening monologue,



and someone threw a glass.



And Peter said:



"If that happens again,

we're going straight home".



Hundreds of glasses.



- Hello, loves.

- Andrew...



I hope I didn't drop you

in the poo.



Don't worry, darling.

I live in the poo.



Couldn't matter less.



But I am going to have a drink.






A soft drink.



Now, are you telling

revue stories?



Guilty, I'm afraid.



- Remember Bradford?

- We've just done Bradford.



Do one of those songs

you used to do.



Look, if you won't tell me

your top secret coffee jingle,



then at least you can do that.



Go on, Rog.



Roger, I did have the piano

tuned in your honour.



- Go on!

- All right then.



Only if Mary will sing.



No, no.

I can't, I can't.



All right.



- So, what's it to be?

- Something slow and squidgy.



- A bit of the...?

- Yes, yes.



How does it start?



Good evening everybody.



And welcome...



Some day...



when I'm awfully low.



... cold.



I will feel aglow



just thinking of you.



And the way you look




Oh, but you're lovely!



With your smile so warm.



And your cheeks so soft.



There is nothing for me

but to love you.



Just the way you look




With each word

your tenderness grows.



Tearing my fear apart.



And each laugh



that wrinkles your nose.



Touches my foolish heart.






Never, never change.



Keep thy breathless charm.



Won't you please arrange it.



For I love you.



Just the way you look




Never, never change.



Keep thy breathless charm.



Won't you please arrange it.



For I love you.



Just the way you look...






Now do the coffee jingle.



Oh, God!




in show business over there.



Look we need

a plumber the other day.



I knew we were in trouble

when his van arrives



"Plumber to the Stars"

on the top.



Git walks in wearing the silliest

wig you've ever seen,



and hands me

a script he's written



for "Who's In The Kitchen?"



- "Plumber".

- You are joking!



Excuse me, Peter.



I can't find the television

in my room. Where would it be?



I'm terribly sorry,

I'm afraid there isn't one.



Then can I borrow

someone else's?



I can't go to sleep unless

I'm watching television.



No, I'm afraid there isn't one

in the house.



My father wasn't a big fan.



- I'm sure there's a radio somewhere.

- That's all right. I'll read.



Does anyone have a book?



I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to do that.



Oh, my Lord!



I'm leaving now, Peter.



Vera! What I can say?

Magnificent dinner.



Paul and I'll be up after

breakfast tomorrow.



- Why don't you stay for a drink?

- Perhaps tomorrow night.



- Thank you, Vera.

- I'll be off home now.



Goodnight all.




I think Roger and I ought

to be off to bed.



But it's only    o'clock.



It was a long ride up.



Better pace ourselves.

We're not    any more.



- Sarah was   .

- Shut up.



Right, well I'll go.




How many wives do you have?



I'm not going to panic.

Isn't for me.



Okay. Night, night.



Sleep well.



Mary, it's for you.

It's your babysitter.



What did she say?

How did she sound?



Absolutely fine.



She just asked if she could

speak to Mary.






I don't know when this

constant panic is going to end.



It's been   months now.



There's a book I'll send you

when I get back to London.



You just have to be patient.



It's the worst thing that can happen

to a woman to lose a baby.



Why is it the worst thing can happen

to a woman? What about man?



Why does everyone think that

nothing happens to the man?



Just 'cause I didn't birth to him

doesn't mean I don't...



that I didn't love him.



But this constant sense of

fucking doom in the air.



Ben is normal healthy child,



and if he even sniffles it's the

end of the fucking world.



I'm sorry.



It's not your problem.



Don't be silly.



I'm sorry Rog,

I didn't mean to imply...



No, no, it's me,

it's Mary. Sorry.



Ben has a slight temperature.



Brenda called the doctor and he came

over and examined him immediately,



and said it was nothing.

Probably a little cold.



Oh, good!



That means we can all relax

and enjoy the weekend.



So, I think we should go home.



You just said

everything was fine.



Do you think I can relax and enjoy the

weekend when he has a temperature?



Why don't you wait till tomorrow

morning and then ring again?



Well, it's obvious

you don't have children.



- Mary!

- Well, that was unnecessary.



None of us



can possibly imagine

what you've been through.



And your over-reaction



is understandable.



But it is an over-reaction.



We haven't seen you so long,



and we'd just like to spend

a bit of time with you.



Now Sarah is right.



Wait till the morning

and ring again.



All right.

I'll try.



I can't promise,

but I'll try.



I just get so worried...



I'm sorry, sorry.



It's all right.



Sarah, I'm sorry.



Let's talk about it




Night, night.



Poor Roger and Mary.



Well done, Mags.



They'll work it out.



Anyone want to come upstairs

and sleep with Carol and I?



- Pardon?

- I'm not going up there.



She'll kill me.



I am so glad



to have been instrumental

in tarnishing absolutely



everybody's relationships!



Maggie, you and I seem

to be the only two people



who even vaguely get on

with each other.



- Will you marry me?

- Yes.



I now pronounce us

man and wife.



I'll tell you why

I am hysterical.



What if Ben dies?

I won't be able to take it.



So you're going to be there

every second, the rest of his life?



Yes, if I can, yes.



You are not going to go to sleep.

We're going to talk about this.



We have talked about it.



I can't!



This is ruining our




I don't think so.



We have a problem and if we

don't solve the problem,



I don't know

what we're going to do.



Why don't you leave then?



I've thought about it.



- Moving out the house?

- Moving out of the marriage.



You'd leave me?



I don't want to.

Mary I love you.



But since Simon died I feel

like you hate me,



and I can't live with

someone who hates me.



- I don't hate you.

- It's like you blame me for this.



- I loved Simon as much as you did.

- I know.



I feel you think there was something

I could've done to keep him alive.



If I had taken them

to my mother's...



- none of this would have happened.

- I know.



We didn't go to your mother's

because I didn't want to.



If we'd been in the same room

we'd have noticed him not breathing.



I wish something different

had happened that night.



I put the babies to bed.



And I went into the next room and

I watched television.



I did the same thing that

we'd done every night.



It just happened.



It's not my fault.



I know.



I know.



I'm being unreasonable.



And I know...



I want to punish someone.



I just want to blame someone

'cause it's so fucking unfair.






we have Ben.



We have each other.



Simon will always be

part of our lives.



I'll never forget him.



We're still very

lucky people,



and we've got a lot

to be thankful for.



Don't leave me.



I won't leave you.



I won't leave you.



Sarah, when are you

coming out?



Are you sawing

something in there?






Get that beautiful

little arse over here.



Brian, I'm very tired.



I know just the thing...



Brian... Don't!



What's wrong?



It's a very big step,

leaving your wife.



You could have

consulted me first.



You were the one who asked me

to leave her in the first place.



Not yet.



We've only known each other

two weeks.



You said you knew

right away.






you've got a kid.



He could live with us.



I've not even met him.



So that's your problem.



You're worried that

Nicholas won't like you?



Well, don't worry.



He will love you just

as much as I do.






I'm very tired.






Who is it?



Peter, it's me. Maggie.









Maggie, is everything all right?



Fill me with your

little babies.



Oh, my God!



I think you'd better

come inside.



No, no, no,

by all things godly, no!



What are you doing?



You have to give

our relationship a chance.



- What?

- I've only just realised.



I love you.



Mags, I love you too,

but we're friends.



Exactly! We're perfect

for each other.



Most marriages are sparked off

by a physical attraction



that wears off

within the first year.



We've known each other for   

years. We know we get along.



We can learn to love

each other sexually.



It's perfect.



No, please.

Keep that on.



Mags, I don't know

what to say.



Don't say anything.

Just please give it a chance.



Maggie, your offer

is very tempting.



I do not want to put

our friendship in jeopardy.



You just don't fancy me?



No, no, no.



Maggie, you're very attractive,



and intelligent and sexy.



How can I put this delicately?



It's just that I'm not really

in the vagina business.



You slept with Sarah.

I know you did.



My dear, the Archbishop

of Canterbury has slept with Sarah.



And it was years ago.



Are you telling me

you're gay?



Well, I never disguised the fact

I'm a bit of a whoopsie,



but to be honest with you,



I think I'm what is

commonly termed "bisexual".



Which is by the by,



because actually I no longer

sleep with men or women.



But if I did,



I promise you'd be up there

on my wish list,



together with Michelle Pfeiffer

and River Phoenix.



I'm so embarrassed.



Look Maggie,



why don't you go back

to your room,



and we'll pretend

this never happened?



Don't tell anyone.



Not a soul.



You must understand

through the touch of your hand



makes my pulse react.



That it's only the thrill,



boy meeting girl,



opposites attract.



It's physical.



You must try to ignore

that it means more than that.



What's love got to do with it?



What's love but

a second hand emotion?



What's love got to do with it?



Who needs a heart

when a heart can be broken?



What's love got to do with it?



What's love but a sweet,

old-fashioned notion?



What's love got to do with it?



Who needs a heart

when a heart can be broken?









- What you doing?

- Donkey kicks.



I've eaten everything

in the place,



and I'm trying to

work it off before morning.



I used to be bulimic.



A year ago I'd be in the bathroom

throwing it all up.



I'm much healthier now.



What are you doing down here?



Just came down here

to drink myself into a coma.



Get turned down by Peter?



It was all so embarrassing.



I wanted to kill myself.



Calm down and

tell me what happened.



I can help you

if you tell me.



I've had every man problem

under the sun.



I don't think you'd understand.



Honey, therapists call me

for advice.



This is different.



Different, schmifferent.



Talk to me.



He's a bisexual.



I was married to a bisexual.






What happened?



What happened?

He left me.



For another woman.

The ultimate put-down.



I'll run tomorrow.



So, tell me what happened.



I read this book...



which said that if...



you know someone already,



that was the ideal person

with which to have



a long-lasting relationship.



Good theory.



So Peter is someone

I love and trust.



And what happened?



The book said to be direct.



That subtle signals

can be misconstrued.



So I went to his room

and took my clothes off.



That's direct.

What happened then?



He said he wasn't

in the vagina business.



That's direct too.



Has Peter ever been

in the vagina business?



Yes, he slept with Sarah.



There's a surprise.

Was she engaged to Peter too?



No, they just had

a brief affair.



Is Peter gay now?



I don't think so.



That's why I think

there's still hope.



He isn't sleeping with anybody.



Neither am I.



Neither am I,

but that's another story.



And I'm almost out of ice-cream.




Here's what I think

you should do:



Let me make you over.



Make me over?




you are a very pretty girl.



- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.



- No, I'm not.

- Yes!



But you make Mother Theresa

look like a hooker.



Come on, loosen up.

Have some fun.



Dear Lord,



give me strength



to carry on.



Maggie, it's me.







Dear Lord,



give me strength



to carry on.



That all may be...



out on the highway.



All I've done and much more.






give me strength



to carry on.



Dear Lord,



give me strength



to carry on.



- Morning.

- Hello, my darling.



I've written something

that I want to show you.



It's called: 'Plumber'.



No, actually it's this.



I found this when I was

moving some stuff up there.



It's that play we wrote.

Well, the first half of it anyway.



- What's it like?

- It's awful...



- with glimpses.

- Oh, God!



I felt like a slimy bastard,

running of to the States like that.



Did you mind?



Did I mind?



We'd invested   months

in writing that, and you dropped it,



after one phone call

from America.



- Why should I mind?

- I'm so sorry, Peter.



Water under the bridge,

my petal.



The first of many unfinished projects

of which I litter the decade.



That's still a good joke.



Ruth says:

"I've never fallen in love.



But I've stepped in it

a few times".



The scene between the three

of them, end of the first act...



It was good. It was yours.



Well, I've read worse.



Oh, my God!

You look great!



Miss Perkins... you're beautiful.



You've been...



Christmas Caroled.



She has bones

I would die for.



Well, breakfast anyone?



I'm starving, but I don't want

to mess up my lipstick.



Or your bones.



I'm sure we could feed you

eggs through a straw.



I'll just have some coffee.

Do you have any 'Equal'?



I'm sorry, I'm famous

for having no equal.



I've got some in my purse.



What the hell is that?



Is someone building a barn?



I think it must be

Sarah and Brian.



I can't believe Sarah.



She seems to exist on a diet

of fresh air and bonking.



You would know.



Morning, guys.



That's what I call

an extremely long dick.



Well, if it isn't

Sarah and Brian, is it us?



- Mags...

- Yes?



- A new look.

- It was Carol.



Then it can only be

Roger and Mary.



I assume they resolved

their differences last night.



This is the acid test.






Excuse me.

I'd better go.



Where's Oscar Wilde

this morning?



Lover Boy.



The Prince of Panache.

Long Dong Silver.



He's taking a shower.

A cold one, I hope.



Do I detect a hint of trouble

in The Garden of Shag?



- Intermission.

- Carol, it's for you.



From Los Angeles.

Somebody called Bernie.



You told me you weren't

giving anyone our number.



- Just Bernie.

- Especially Bernie.



He said he would only call

if it was an emergency.



Leftovers for breakfast everyone?



Where's all the food?



Vera wrapped it up and put it

in there last night.



I saw her.



Food disappearing

in the middle of the night.



I smell a Carol.



Not wishing to pry, but are you

and she entirely happy together?



We're fine.



Just getting on each other's

nerves a little.



I can relate.



Brian's getting on my nerves.



I hardly think

my   year old marriage



compares to your   weeks

old fuck fest.



I just commit very early.



The self knowledge

of Zsa Zsa Gabor.



What do you mean by that?



That you are stuck in

a recurring pattern.



You know those mice that go around

on those little wheels?



Lmagine one wearing

a tight leather skirt.



We can't all have our lives

figured out as well as you do.



I didn't say that, I said I had

your life figured out, love.



I'm sick of everyone

judging everything I do.



I'm going for a walk.



That's a nice way

to start the morning.



I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it...



I'm sure you didn't mean to

but I rather think you did.



What did Bernie have to say then?



Can I get you some eggs, toast?



- Must be bad.

- I think I'll...






Give it to me straight.

I can take it.



It's a film, Andrew.



Shelley Long has dropped out.

It's shooting in Montana.



And they said they need

a fast replacement.



- When does it start shooting?

- Monday.



Oh, Jesus, Carol

you'd have to leave like...



There's a flight tonight.



- Lf you really want...

- It's a film, Andrew.



It's a film.

Well this is a marriage.



If I thought for one second that

you intended to try...






Then tell Bernie

you'll take it.






You already have,

haven't you?









- An airline pilot?

- Fighter pilot.



What on earth would make

you want to do that?



- Top Gun.

- I'm sorry?



Top Gun.

You seen it?



I've seen it    times.

Bloody brilliant.



- Is that the one with Tom Cruise?

- And Kelly McGillis.



She's what really made me want to

became a fighter pilot, not him.



- Why?

- I want to go to that school she runs.



For fighter pilots.

That'd be bloody brilliant.









Hello, Maggie.



What am I doing?



Let me say, since



we've been together,



loving you forever.






You frightened me.



I'm sorry, Sarah.



Sorry about this morning

in the kitchen.



I didn't mean to be




I'm certainly no-one to talk.



I was just sitting here trying

to work exactly



how I ruined my life.



You think you're in trouble?



I just tried to fuck a six year old.



It's like kindergarten, school,




- black hole.

- It's not that bad.



Yes it is. In fact,

it's slightly worse than that.



Do you and Carol

love each other?



I owe her a lot.



She hired me when a lot

other people wouldn't touch me.



- Did you really used to drink a lot?

- Like a pissed fish, darling.



She understood. She had a parking-

space next to me in the aquarium.



Weird thought: That the pair of us

stopping drinking



would make things simpler.



It's just made them

more complicated.



I'm disappointed in you.

You used to be so romantic.



Well, but now

I'm rheumatic.



Actually, that's it, isn't it?



People think you're

addicted to sex.



You're addicted to romance.

And the moment it gets real...



like this poor bastard Brian

leaving his wife,



you run for cover.



Where's the Andrew who used to

scale the college wall



to play with me all night long?



Everything's different now, Sarah.



Everything's different.



I wonder what would've happened

if we'd stayed together.



Is that a come-on

or an honest enquiry?



It's an honest... come-on.



I was going to tell Bernie

I wasn't available, but...



I guess I am.






Just listen.

Daddy loves you very much.



I promise.

I'll see you next week.



No, Nicholas,

I will see you next week.



I promise.

I'll take to the zoo.



No, I love mummy, too.



I love mummy, too.



Nicholas, I love you.



I promise

I'll see you next week.



What are you thinking?



I was just wondering who

that phone call was for.



Well you know, Roger,



I think if it had been for us,



someone would have told us.



I mean, absolutely

no question about it at all.



You cheeky bitch.






Not the buttons.



- Can I help?

- No need.



There must be something

I can do.



All right.



If you get on with that there.

Thin slices.




I see.



Thanks so much for coming up

this weekend.



I wouldn't have been able to have

my friends here if it weren't for you.



I'll miss this house.



Do you have any plans?



Paul wants to learn to fly.



Saw a film called "Top Gun".



I'm going to retire.



I'm going to watch videos.



Best thing that ever happened.



If I did decide to keep

the house,



is there any chance you'd stay on?



To me, this will always be

your father's house.



I don't want to see it change.



And you don't want me around

with all of my opinions.



Those are too thick.

Do them again, please.






How you live your life

is none of my business.



My life,

you mean my sex life?



Please, I don't want to talk about it.

It's none of my business.



Is that better?



Much better.

Put it in the pot, please.



- How's your family?

- Don't you have a fucking go at me.



I saw you down there with that

fucking wood-chopping guy.






I have laid my life

on the line for you, Sarah.



And the moment I make some kind

of commitment to you



you're off with some

fucking wood-chopping guy.



I dunno, maybe we have made

some terrible mistake here.



The thought had crossed my mind.



It's a bit fucking late for that.



Isn't it?



What have I done?

What have I fucking done?



Don't be such a drama queen.



Don't you...!






I owe you an apology.



It's not you.



Go home to your wife.



I'm sorry.



I didn't mean it

to end up like that.






Are you okay?



Maggie, are you ill?



Shit, sorry.



Look, are you sure

you want to go?



It's not that I want to go,

it's that you don't want me to stay.



When did I say that?



You've spent the last   months

treating me like shit.



You know, there's nothing

between Sarah and me.



I know that Sarah

isn't the problem.



You're unhappy with you.

I can't fix that.



You're right.



It's just need some time.



I just need some time to

sort some things out.



So do I.



Why don't you spend some time



doing whatever it is

that you think you should be doing?



- You've got my number in Montana.

- Yeah, okay.



- Give me a call.

- Yeah.



Take care, sugar.



I'm hearing the light

from the window.



I'm seeing

the sound of the sea.



My feet have gone loose

from their moorings.



I'm feeling

quite wonderfully free.



And I think I will travel to Rio.



Using the music for flight.






There's nothing

I know of in Rio.



But it's something to do

with the night.



It's only a whimsical notion,



to fly down to Rio tonight.



And I probably

won't fly down to Rio.



But, then again,

I just might.



There's wings to

the fault behind fancy.



There's wings to

the fault behind play.



I'm dancing to

rhythms of laughter.



- Hello.

- Get in.



I think I will travel to Rio.



Using the music for flight.



There's nothing I know of

in Rio.



But it's something to do

with the night.



This is a tune I'm thinking of

for the new coffee commercial.



So, I opened the door and there

are in bed together.



- With Maggie on top?

- Like she's in a rodeo.



Little Maggie?

Who'd have thought it?



She's a sexpot.



- Hello.

- Hello.



Sorry we haven't seen you all today.

We decided to have a bit of a lie-in.



I think they all know what we had

a little bit of actually.



There was an element of squeaking.



All right, I admit it.



We've been shagging all day.



- Well, what have you all been doing?

- Maggie?



Shut up.



How's Ben?



My name is Mary.



I am an over-protective mother.



But I've only phoned twice today.

And he's fine.



I'm still a little worried but

I'm okay.



Well, just to keep you all

up to date.



We're down now to  .

Carol's gone.



And Andrew's

a bit upset about it.



So I wouldn't mention

it if I were you.



And Brian has also gone.



I'm not upset. And you can

mention it all you like.



Dinner time.



- Do we have salt anywhere?

- Yes.



Well, congratulate me.



I seemed to have turned

Andrew into an alcoholic,



Maggie into an eroto-maniac,

and Sarah into a nun.



Roger and Mary

seem all right,



but frankly I think

they'd be happier at home.



It's not going exactly

as I planned.



- Congratulations.

- Thank you.



Five minutes to go.



Brian will be home by now.



I kind of miss him.



- Who was that who picked him up?

- His wife.



New Year's fucking Eve.



Pope has a drink

on New Year's Eve.



The Pope doesn't get unpleasant



Am I unpleasant, anyone?



There, you see.



I never really had

a drinking problem.



I just went through the A.A. Crap



to keep Carol company.



Children, children,

let's not fight.



- Ben's fine.

- Good.



Can't you let

one fucking hour go by...



without ringing

the fucking baby sitter?






She's concerned about

our child, Andrew.



No need to be aggressive.



Was that Roger the jingle writer?

Did she speak?



I'd rather be Roger,

the jingle writer



than Andrew,

the miserable bastard.



I've never understood you.



I'd like to think it was Hollywood

but you were like this    years ago.



- Like what?

- Self-loathing.



I think you ought to apologise

to Roger and Mary, Andrew.



Do you indeed?

Well, I'm sorry.



Is anyone just going to comment



on that piece of human excrement

that Sarah dragged in for us?



Who was that appallingly

dreadful tosspot?



What the fuck was his fucking

Greta Garbo story about?



At least he had the courage

to leave his wife.



Yeah, for    hours.



That's not a divorce,

that's a day trip.



You'll probably be stuck with



that Joan Collins impersonator

all your life.



You're talking about

the woman I almost love.



I've never seen anyone

wear more make-up.



How does she take it off?

With a chisel?



She's made Maggie here

look ridiculous.






I think Maggie looks great.



Of course you do.

You think Carol looks great.






I will not have my ex wife,



future ex wife talked about

like that.



I don't look ridiculous.



That's a horrible thing to say.

You're just jealous.



- Please!

- Look, look.



It's two minutes to midnight.

Can we please not...?



Just try and be nice

to each other.



There he goes: 'Try and be

nice to each other.



'Cause it's New Year's

fucking Eve, isn't it?



New Year's fucking Eve



at Peter's fucking

New Year's fucking mansion.



Where Peter gets to be

lord of the manor



and I get to regret ever

leaving England.



Andrew, I know this isn't

you speaking.



This is 'drunk-you'.



I'm trying to draw a veil

over your behaviour,



but would you please

shut the fuck up?



Yea, we could go and write

our crappy play together.



And then everything would be

okay, Peter, wouldn't it?



You are being so boring!



Well, why the fuck

did you invite me?



Why the fuck any of us?



And why this year



and not any other bloody year?



Because all our lives are in

such an optimum fucking mess,



that it needs Peter the saviour



to send us out in the world...



on New Year's Day



resurrected and directed.



And because I'm here to tell you

if that's your aim, my old fruit,



from bitter personal experience,

it hasn't worked.



Do you really want to know

why I invited you here?



Yes, I do, your Lordship.



Well, I didn't think it was...



I wasn't sure whether I was

going to tell you or not.



Given the way this evening

has panned out...



I think it might be appropriate.



I invited you all here






you all mean a lot to me...



as you know,






I'm sorry, this is...



not very easy.









I had a blood test,



and it turns out I'm

HIV positive.



I'm sorry, Andrew.



I didn't mean to

sober you up that fast.






Happy New Year.



Come on!






Don't let me down.



Happy New Year.



Happy New Year, Peter.



Happy New Year, Vera.



- Happy New Year, Peter.

- Happy New Year, Peter.



I am an absolute...



dribbling arsehole.



I'm sorry, everybody.



I'm sorry, Peter.



I'm sorry, Peter.




how long have you known?



About six months.



I'm all right. You don't have to

treat me any differently.



I haven't got AIDS,

I've got the AIDS virus.



There's a big difference.




there's every chance



that it'll be years

before it becomes...



full blown.



You should have told us.



It isn't a very easy thing to tell.



Look, look.



Why don't we sit over there?



Just a few minutes.



Are you really feeling...



okay... now?



I'm fine.






I do get tired

now and again, but...



as much as anything, it's this

drug they've got me on now.



I intend to live a long time,

thanks very much.



I'm going to out-live you all.



- Lf there's anything we can do.

- Anything.



I'm so sorry, Peter!



He knows you're sorry, dear.



I love you.



I know, Andrew.



Vera, coffee?



Do you know who you got it from?



I haven't a clue, and I don't think

it makes much difference if I did.



- Do you?

- I guess not.



I mean, it's not as if it's

anybody else's fault.



There's always a chance they'll

discover a cure, isn't there?



They find new things...






Look, I'm going to go down

and get some bubbles.



Roger, why don't you

get your guitar?



It's a party,

for God's sake!



I wish you'd told me.



I thought you'd consider

my plight



a deserved punishment.



How could you say that to me?



I've known you

since you were a little boy.



I used to watch you

drawing at that table.



I'm sorry.



I know you always disapproved



of the way I lived my life.



I didn't.



You had all that promise.



I hated seeing what you

didn't do with your life.



And more, how unhappy

it made you.



But I've always loved you.



How could you say that

to me, Peter?



Vera, I'm sorry.



I didn't mean to upset you.



I suppose it's too late

for Auld Lang Syne.









Black, no sugar.



Come on, Andrew.

Thanks, Vera.



Happy New Year.



Peter, if you wanted

to stay with us, any of us...



- any time...

- That's sweet of you, but...



I'm going to be fine.

This is my home.



We can't let you

stay here on your own.



I'll be fine.



- Are you sure?

- No, but I'll give it my best shot.



I've got something

very funny to show you.



Stay exactly where you are.



I can't believe

he's coping so well.



I think he's fantastic.



- It makes you feel so helpless.

- Exactly.



Mags, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean what I said.



I think you look fan...

I think you look great.



I was trying to get back at

Mr. Appropriate here.



I am sorrier than it is

humanly possible to be.



Roger, I wouldn't blame you

if you never spoke to me again.



Oh, shut up!



Look what I found.



The cabaret I persuaded you to do

with my father's friends.



- Vera took the photo in the kitchen.

- We didn't go down that well.



We went down as well as

a dry souffle.



- Joined the land of the living?

- I am so sorry.



Remember Paul dancing

on the table, Vera?



He must have been

about   then.



- Feel embarrassed, Maggie?

- Have I missed something?



- No, no.

- No, never mind.



- What song did we do?

- Well, The Underground Song.



The fucking Underground Song!

What a piece of shit!



- Who wrote that?

- Guilty.



- I've always loved that song.

- All right then, recite it.



I've got to go to "gotty, plotty"...



Let's all go down to Oxford Circus



past Trafalgar Square...

Charing Cross.



Let's do it! Let's do it!



Not The Underground Song!



It's your punishment for

being such a miserable bastard.



Here's your bowler and

there's your umbrella. All right...



Under the arm.



Let's all go down

to Oxford Circus



Let's all go down to Oxford Circus

past Trafalgar Square.



And then from Charing Cross

right up to Euston.



Then change to the Victoria,

and then the Piccadilly...



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