Planes Trains And Automobiles Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Planes Trains And Automobiles script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Steve Martin and John Candy.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Planes Trains And Automobiles. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Planes Trains And Automobiles Script


            I got to go.

            I got to go.

            I got to catch a plane.

            Two hours of staring at material

            to decide to reconvene after the holidays.

            They're selling cosmetics, not curing cancer.

            Why aren't you going to the airport?

            Why bust my ass? Take the  8:00   flight with me.

            I told Susan I'd be home by  9:00  .

            That's you.

            I left my gloves in Brian's office.

            I don't need them to fly home.

            Would you pick them up? I'll get them tomorrow.

            Have a good holiday.

            See you in Chicago.

            You'll never make the  :  .

            Ha ha!



            Cab! Cab!


            Sir? Sir?

            Excuse me.

            Could I appeal to your good nature

            and ask you for your cab?

            I don't have a good nature. Excuse me.

            Come on!

            Could I offer you $10 ?

              . I'll give you $20 .

            I'll take  50.

            All right.

            Anyone who would pay $50  for a cab

            would certainly pay $75 .

            Not necessarily.

            All right,  75 .

            You're a thief.

            Close. I'm an attorney.

            Have a happy holiday.

            This will help.

            Hey! Hey!


            Hey, that's my cab!

            That's my cab!

            Pull over! Pull over!

            All right. Pull over!

            That's my cab!

            Pull over, buddy!

            You're messing with the wrong guy!

            This is my cab! Out!

            Excuse me.

            Excuse me.

            Excuse me.

            Excuse me.

            Your attention please. Your attention please.

            Mid-Central flight    

            to Chicago O'hare has been delayed.

            All passengers wishing Further information

            please contact the ticket agent.

            When are Grandma and Grandpa

            and Grandma and Grandpa coming?

            They'll be here tomorrow, honey.


            You think Grandpa Walt will give me a noogie?

            Of course he'll give you noogies.

            It means he loves you.

            Why don't I get noogies?

            Because you get Indian burns.

            But I prefer noogies.

            Keep an eye on your brother.


            Who is it?

             Shh. Where are you?

              Who is it?

              Shh! It's Daddy.

              Flight delay.

              When will you be in?

              No later than   :  .

              I'll wait up for you.

              I know you, don't l?

              I'm usually good with names,

              but I've forgotten yours.

              You stole my cab.

              I've never stolen anything in my life.

              I hailed a cab on Park Avenue today.

              before I could get in, you stole it.

              You're the guy who tried to get my cab.

              I knew I knew you. Yeah.

              You scared the bejesus out of me.

              It was awful easy getting a cab during rush hour.

              Forget it.

              I can't forget it.

              I am sorry.

              I had no idea that was your cab.

              Let me make it up to you somehow.

              How about a hot dog and a beer?

              Uh, no, thanks.

              Just a hot dog, then.

              I'm picky about what I eat.

              Some coffee.




              Soda? Some tea? Lifesavers? Slurpee?

              Sir, please.

              Just let me know. I'm here.

              I knew I knew you.

              You should have discussed this with the ticket agent.

              I didn't know he put me in coach.

              I'm sorry. First class is full.

              I have a first class ticket.

              You have a coach seat assignment.

              Hi, Larry.

              Hi, Liz.

              Here OK?

              Oh, here, there. Anywhere's fine.

              Pardon me.

              You'll get a refund on the difference.

              I want a seat in first class

              where I was booked over a month ago.

              I've had enough of you.

              Now take your seat.

              You've had enough of me?

              First you delay me, then you bump me.

              What happens next?

              Is this a coincidence or what?

              Have a seat.

              I never did introduce myself.

              Del Griffith.

              American Light and Fixture--

              Director of sales, shower curtain ring division.

              I sell shower curtain rings.

              Best in the world.

              And you are?

              Uh, Neal Page.

              Neal Page. Pleased to meet you, Neal Page.

              So what do you do for a living, Neal Page?


              Marketing? Super.

              Super. Fabulous.

              Isn't that nice?

              I don't want to be rude, but...

              I'm not much of a conversationalist.

              I'd like to finish this article.

              A friend wrote it, so...

              Don't let me stop you.

              Last thing I want to be

              is an annoying blabbermouth.

              Nothing grinds my gears

              worse than some chowder head

              who can't keep his trap shut.

              Catch me running Of fat the mouth,

              give me a poke.


              Ohh, that feels good.

              Oh, God, I'm telling you.

              My dogs are barking today.



              That feels better.

              Six bucks and my right nut

              says we're not landing in Chicago.



              Where are you?

              I'm in Wichita.

              Wichita, Kansas?

              Are you all right? What happened?

              We couldn't land in Chicago.

              I don't understand what Wichita has to do

              with a snowstorm in Chicago?

              What's going on, Neal?

              We took off from New York,

              they closed Chicago, we landed here.


              Trouble on the home front?

              I really don't think that's any of your concern.

              The finest line a man will walk

              is between success at work and success at home.

              I got a motto-- Like your work, love your wife.

              Well, I'll remember that.

              What's the flight situation?


              No way we'll get out of here tonight.

              We'd have more luck

              playing pickup sticks with our butt cheeks.

              We'll find out soon enough.

              By the time the airline cancels this flight,

              which they will eventually,

              you'd have a better chance finding a three-legged ballerina

              than a hotel room.

              I could be stuck here?

              I'm saying you are stuck here.

              Ladies and gentlemen,

              may I have your attention, please.

              I'm sorry to announce

              that we're canceling flight    

              due to severe weather in Chicago.

              Hi, I was wondering

              if you had any rooms available for tonight?

              Anything. Anything will do.

              I'm sorry.

              Is there another motel--




              Welcome to Wichita.

              Did you book a room yet?

              I, uh, couldn't get in anywhere.

              When we arrived, you called home.

              I called the Braidwood Inn.

              I missed that one.

              I got an idea.

              I know the manager.

              If you pick up the cab fare,

              I'll make sure you get a room.


              Yeah. Yeah, sure. Great.

              All right.

              Grab an end of this thing, will you?

              Thanks a lot.

              Is this your trunk?

              Yeah. You should try lugging this thing

              around New York City.

              » Well, it takes you up «

              » And it beats you down, yeah «

              » It plays around «

              » And it spends your money... «

              Where the hell is the motel?

              Doobie, is it much farther?

              Not much.

              Why didn't you take the interstate?

              Your friend has never been here,

              so I figured he'd like to look around.

              There's nothing on the interstate.

              It's the middle of the night.

              I know, but he's proud of his town.

              That's a rare thing these days.

              Take care of the luggage, will you, Doobie?

              OK, Del.

              Get off of me.

              Stick with me.

              Evening, Gus.

              Del Griffith, how the hell are you?

              Still a million bucks shy of being a millionaire.

              Gus, meet an old friend. Neal Page, Gus Mooney.

              Glad to meet you, Nick.

              I told my friend you'd give him a room tonight.

              Do you have a major credit card?

              Do you still honor those discount credit cards?

              I'll have to charge you for a double,

              but with the discount, it'll come out even.

              We're a pretty good team.

              We were on our way to Chicago,

              and the storm brought us here.

              I know. I must have half your flight here.

              Well, I guess you're all fixed,

              so, uh, there you are.

              Last room in the complex.

              You mean sh-share?

              Hey, easy on that.


              Hell of a cab ride, wasn't it?

              Yeah, you don't see cabs like that too often.

              Want to take a shower?


              I meant, did you want to go first?

              You-you thought...

              I wouldn't-- What do you think I am?

              Gee, that's funny.

              Ah. Ah.

              Oh, come... come on.

              Ah! Ouch, ouch, ouch!

              To wear a pompadour...

              Excuse me.

              I'd switch pillows with you,

              but I'm allergic to sponge.

              I'd be sneezing all night with that thing.

              That's why I carry my own pillow.

              It's hypoallergenic.

              I had no idea

              those beer cans would blow like that.

              You left them on a vibrating bed.

              What did you think would happen?

              It just didn't occur to me.

              It didn't occur to you,

              so I have to sleep in a puddle of beer.

              You want to switch?

              I just want to sleep.

              Me, too. I am bushed.

              Good night.

              Good night.

              I'll have to burn the sheets!

              What if the shoe was on the other foot?

              I'd go barefoot!

              Traffic is resuming at O'Hare field,

              and flights will be moving shortly.



              What, what?

              That's it!

              Without clearing my sinuses, I'll snore all night.

              If your kid spills his milk, do you slap him?

              What-what-what is that supposed to mean?

              You're not a very tolerant person.

              You've bugged me since New York,

              starting with stealing my cab.

              God, you're a tight-ass.

              How would you like a mouthful of teeth?

              Oh, and hostile, too.

              Nice personality combination--

              hostile and intolerant.

              That's borderline criminal.

              Screw you.

              You spilled beer all over the bed,

              you mess up the bathroom...

              Who let you stay?

              I even let you pay,

              so you wouldn't feel like an intruder.

              An intruder?

              Right. You ruined a nice trip.

              Who talked my ear off on the plane?

              Who was that? I'm curious.

              Who told you to book a room? I did.

              You're an ungrateful jackass.

              Sleep in the lobby.

              I hope you wake up so stiff

              you can't even move.

              You got a free cab, a free room,

              and someone who will listen

              to your boring stories.

              Didn't you notice on the plane

              when you started talking,

              I started reading the vomit bag?

              Didn't that give you some clue

              that this guy's not enjoying it?

              Everything's not an anecdote.

              You have to discriminate.

              You choose things that are funny

              or mildly amusing

              or interesting.

              You're a miracle.

              Your stories have none of that.

              They're not even amusing accidentally.

              Honey, meet Del Griffith.

              He's got some amusing anecdotes.

              Here's a gun so you can blow your brains out.

              You'll thank me for it.

              I could tolerate any insurance seminar.

              For days, I could listen to them go on and on.

              They'd say, "How can you stand it?"

              And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith.

              I can take anything."

              You know what they'd say?

              "I know what you mean.

              The shower curtain ring guy."

              It's like going on a date

              with a Chatty Cathy doll.

              There should be a string on your chest

              that I pull out.

              Except I wouldn't pull it out, you would.

              Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

              By the way,

              when you're telling these little stories,

              here's a good idea.

              Have a point.

              It makes it more interesting for the listener.

              You want to hurt me?

              Go ahead if it makes you feel better.

              I'm an easy target.

              Yeah, you're right.

              I talk too much.

              I also listen too much.

              I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you,

              but I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

              Well, you think what you want about me.

              I'm not changing.

              I like--I like me.

              My wife likes me.

              My customers like me.

              'Cause I'm the real article.

              What you see is what you get.

              » I'm back in baby's arms «

              » How I miss those lovin' arms «

              » I am back where I belong «

              » Back in baby's arms «

              » Don't know why we quarreled «

              » We never did before «

              » Since we found out how it hurts... «


              Hmm? Yeah.

              Why did you kiss my ear?

              Why are you holding my hand?

              Where's your other hand?

              Between two pillows.

              Those aren't pillows!


              Oh, no!



              Oh! Oh!

              See that Bears' game last week?

              Hell of a game.

              They're going all the way.

              Ohh, yeow.

              Neal, take my socks out of the sink

              if you're going to brush your teeth.

              Where are you?

              I'm in Wichita.

              I'm at a motel

              with this guy I met on the plane.

              You shared a motel room with a stranger?

              Are you crazy?

              I'm getting there.

              Did you call the airline?

              I have a good chance of getting on standby.

              If they told you

              wolverines make good house pets,

              would you believe them?

              I'm not spending Thanksgiving in Wichita.

              I'll get home.


              Not by airplane.

              They got    hours of air traffic backed up.

              We're going to be having our turkey roll

              right here.

              If we wait for the flight.

              How else can we get home?

              Burt Dingman. He works for the railroad.

              I sold them all their shower curtain rings.

              He owes me a favor.

              I'll get that. I paid for everything else.

              Why break precedent?

              You're making me feel like a freeloader.

              Get me on the train, we're square.

              You got it. That's the easy part.


              You know goddamn well what.

              I'm sorry. I don't.

              I had over $    in here.

              I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a thief.

              You went into my stuff last night, right?

              I didn't take your money.

              I had over $   .

              You went into my wallet for pizza.

              Just maybe when you went into--

              Count it!

              Like you'd keep it in there.

              There's $    in there.

              If there's more, you can call me a thief.

              Count it!




              We were robbed.

              Do you think so?

              I've been thinking.

              What we're dealing with

              is a smalltime crook.

              He didn't take the credit cards,

              so we charge our way home.

              I've got a Visa and a gasoline card.

              Oh, and a Neiman-Marcus card

              in case we want to buy a gift.

              What have you got?

              Chalmer's Big and Tall Men's Shoppe,

              a seven-outlet chain in the Pacific Northwest.

              Unfortunately, it does us no good here.

              Get me to the train station,

              and I'll take care of everything else.

              Gus' son is picking us up.

              This is not him, is it?

              Gee, I hope not.

              Are you Gus' son?

              I'm Owen.

              You the shower curtain fella?

              Yeah. Yeah. Del Griffith.

              How are you?

              This is Neal Page from Chicago.


              Pleased to meet you both.

              I'm to drive you to Wichita to catch a train?

              Yeah, we'd appreciate it.

              Train don't run out of Wichita.

              'Lessen you're a hog or cattle.

              People train runs out of Stubbville.

              That'll be fine.

              That'll be just fine.

              Leave it be.

              Get your lazy behind out here

              and put that in back.

              No. We've got it.

              It's very heavy.

              She don't mind.

              She's short and skinny,

              but she's strong.

              Her first baby...

              come out sideways.

              She didn't scream or nothing.

              Isn't that something?

              You're a real trooper.

              We've got it already. It's done.

              You know, Stubbville's a little further than Wichita.

              How much further?


              Maybe   .

              No more than    though,

              depending on how he goes.

              It could be anywhere up to    miles.

              Woof! Woof!

              Give me the glove.

              Ow! Just nipped. Little part. Ooh!

              Give him the goddamn glove!

              Are we there yet?

              No, a little way to go yet.

              Beautiful country though, isn't it?

              What do you figure the temperature is?



              They didn't have two together.

              You got to be kidding me.

              Oh, I knew it.

              The secretary was new, and I explained it.

              Oh, ge--I'm sorry.

              They're just full.

              It's the holidays, I guess.

              Hey, we're lucky we got a ticket.

              Yeah. So, if I don't see you again.

              Want to meet for a drink on the train?

              I'm going to sleep.

              You sure?

              Yeah. Anyway, it's been interesting.

              That's the understatement of the year.

              And thanks for the ticket.

              Neal! I need your address.

              I got to pay you back for this ticket.

              Ticket's a gift.

              No, no. Come on now. What's the address?

              Del, it's a gift.

              Happy holidays.

              Same to you.


              Going home for Thanksgiving?


              Me, too.

              We're just going to make it.

              What did you do here?

              Do you smell smoke?

              You walk a mile to the highway.

              The trucks will take you into Jefferson City.

              You're in a lousy mood, huh?

              To say the least.

              You ever travel by bus before?


              Your mood's probably not going to improve much.

              » Well, I got you in my sights «

              »Just one of those nights with you «

              » And if you wanna fool around «

              » Well, let me pin you to the ground «

              Neal, Neal. Check that out.

              » All the little boys are into soul «

              » And all the girls wanna rock 'n' roll «

              » You all wanna dance «

              » It's what you're paid to do «

              Beats a movie on a plane, huh?

              Take a picture. It'll last longer.

              You got busted.

              Oh, that was good.

              This is a good time to tell you this.

              Our tickets are only good to St. Louis.

              St. Louis to Chi-town

              is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.

              » ...For it's Thanksgiving Day «

              All right!

              That was fun, wasn't it?

              All right. Who wants to sing a tune?

              Who's got a song?

              I got one, uh...

              Neal Page has got one.

              » Three coins in a fountain «

              » Each one seeking happi-- «

              » Seeking happiness «

              » Thrown by three hopeful lovers «


              » Flintstones, meet the Flintstones «

              » They're the modern stone-age family «

              » From the town of Bedrock «

              » They're a page right outta history «

              » When you're with the Flintstones «

              » Have a yabba-dabba-do time «

              » A dabba-do time «

              » You'll have a gay old time «


              My name's Del Griffith.

              I'm with the American Light and Fixture Company,

              jewelry division.

              I've got a great deal.

              This is your Diane Sawyer autographed earring.

              Do you ever watch Sixty Minutes?


              This is Czechoslovakian ivory.

              That's it. It's $ .  .


              This is your Walter Cronkite moon ring.

              Thank you.

              They are filled with helium,

              so they're very light.

              Thank you.

              This is an autographed Darryl Strawberry earring.

              All right!

              These are very special earrings.

              These were originally handcrafted

              for the Grand Wizard of China

              back in the fourth century.

              These aren't the originals,

              but they are replicas. Very good replicas, too.

              They're selling for $ .   a pair.

              » Spring over the ground like a hunting hound «

              » For this is Thanksgiving Day «

              I'm Marti Page, and I'm thankful

              that my dad's coming home for Thanksgiving.

              You know something?

              it makes you look a little older, too.

              You could pass for    or   .

              Did you call the wife?

              No one was home.

              Probably at my daughter's Thanksgiving pageant.


              You missed it.

              I'm sorry. Those...

              those are the precious moments, too.

              They don't come back again.

              I've been spending too much time away from home.

              I haven't been home in years.

              What, seriously?

              It's a figure of speech.

              I'm away so much,

              it's like not being there.

              I called a friend of mine at Eastern Airlines.

              It doesn't look good.

              I know. I called all the airlines.

              Well, at least we're sitting on over     beans

              from my brilliant idea.

              You're a terrific salesman.

              You know, uh...

              I've been thinking that when we put our heads together,

              we really...

              we've really gotten nowhere.

              And, uh...

              you know, I think I'm holding you up.

              Don't say that about yourself.

              That's not true, Neal.

              I think we'll get where we're going a lot faster

              if, uh... we were alone.



              I see.

              I think I'll just take care of this

              and get going.

              I appreciate that.

              It's just harder for two people to travel.

              Yeah, sure.

              If you've got reservations--

              I understand.

              Thanks for the meal.

              Yeah, that's all right.

              And I owe you some of this, too.

              No, no, no, no.

              This is your cut.

              Take the money.

              Buy your kids a chocolate turkey.

              I'm just going to leave it there.

              Then leave it. Fine.

              I'm done, OK?

              I've got to go, so if you'll excuse me,

              uh, I got things to do, uh...

              so, uh...

              good luck,

              and I hope you get home soon.

              I'll see you.

              Yeah, sure you will.

              It's a white Lincoln town car,

              space v- .

              V- .

              V- .

              V- .

              Hey! Hey!

              Hey! Hey!

              Hey! Hey! Hey!

              The car's not there!

              I need a ride back!



              Goddamn it!

              Goddamn it!

              » You're messin' with the wrong guy «



              » You're messin' with the wrong guy «

              Oh, gee, Marie, you're a stitch.

              No, mom's doing the turkey.

              Yeah, dad wants ambrosia,

              so I guess we'll get those miniature marshmallows.

              I'll do the crescent rolls,

              you do the cranberries.

              You know I can't cook.



              I'll see you tomorrow then.

              Gobble gobble.


              Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?


              How may I help you?

              You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile

              off your rosy fucking cheeks.

              Then give me a fucking automobile.

              A fucking Datsun,

              a fucking Toyota,

              a fucking Buick.

              Four fucking wheels and a seat.

              I don't care for the way you're speaking.

              I don't care for the way

              your company left me in fucking nowhere

              with keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there.

              I didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway

              and across a fucking runway

              to get back here to have you smile

              at my fucking face.

              I want a fucking car

              right fucking now.

              May I see your rental agreement?

              I threw it away.

              Oh, boy.

              Oh, boy, what?

              You're fucked.

              » You're messin' with the wrong guy «

              OK,    wake up.

              You're going to block the line.

              Yeah, where you going?




              You know you're in St. Louis?

              Yes, I do.

              The airlines are faster,

              and you get a free meal.

              If I wanted jokes,

              I'd watch you take a leak.

              Don't just stand there

              like a slab of meat with mittens.

              What are you doing?

              I almost crushed your head like a melon.


              Move your car!

              Just a minute, OK?

              Get outta here!

              What is your problem?

              You insensitive asshole.

              There's an injured man

              down on the street.

              Now, I'll move my car,

              but you help him up.


              My pleasure.


              I had a feeling that when we parted ways,

              somehow, someday,

              our paths would cross again.

              Are you all right?

              I've never seen anyone get lifted

              by his testicles before.

              Lucky thing for you

              that cop came when he did.

              Otherwise, you'd be lifting your schnutz

              to tie your shoes.

              I'm sorry. That's terrible.

              You know, I'm glad I didn't kill you.

              I'd be glad if you had.

              Oh, you don't mean that.

              Remember what I said? Go with the flow.

              How can I when the rental car agency

              leaves me keys to a car that isn't there,

              then I find out they don't have any more cars?

              I got a car, no sweat at all.

              Well, Del, you're a charmed man.


              Oh, I know.

              You just go with the flow.

              Like a twig on the shoulders

              of a mighty stream.

              » Pulled out of Pittsburgh «

              » Rollin' down the eastern seaboard «

              » I got my diesel wound up «

              » She's runnin' like never before «

              » There's a speed zone ahead, all right «

              » I ain't seen a cop all night «

              » Six days on the road «

              » And I'm gonna make it home tonight... «

              Would you please stop doing that with the seat?

              Once you screw with these,

              you never get comfortable.

              Quit screwing with it.

              I'm getting comfortable.

              Do you have a bad back?

              Well, I do,

              and there's only a couple good positions.

              You're going to break it.



              Ah, lovely.

              Lovely, lovely.

              Oh, damn it.

              What now?

              I can't reach my feet

              to get my shoes off.

              That's fine. Leave your shoes on.

              I can't relax that way.

              I don't care to breathe your foot odor.

              It must be swell being so perfect and odor-free.

              Things about you bother me,

              but I'm decent enough not to bring them up.

              What about me bothers you?

              There's lots of things.

              Name one.

              You want me to name one?

              Fine, um...

              you play with your balls a lot.

              I do not play with my balls.

              Larry Bird doesn't handle the ball

              as much as you do.

              You trying to start a fight?

              I'm simply stating a fact.

              You fidget with your nuts.

              Know what make me happy?

              Another couple of balls and an extra set of fingers?

              Oh, that's humor.

              Oh, that's real humor.

              I'd be happy if you rested your mouth.

              My pleasure.

              I'd like a little silence.

              No problem.

              Thank you.

              You're welcome.

              You broke the seat.

              You broke the goddamn seat. I don't believe it.

              It wasn't broken when I got out.

              You broke it.

              It's impossible to break them.


              You want to drive?

              No. Why did you do this?

              I won't be held responsible for faulty engineering.

              This is comfortable. This is really comfortable.

              I don't want to argue. Let's not fight.

              All right, all right.

              Then I'm going to sleep. All right.

              I'm putting my wallet in the glove compartment.

              Don't let me forget it.

              All right.

              » Ah, you can talk about the pit «

              » Barbecue «

              » The band was jumpin' «

              » The people, too mess around «

              » They doin' the mess around «

              » They doin' the mess around «

              » Everybody doin' the mess around «

              »Now-ow, when I say stop, don't you move a peg «

              » When I say go «

              » Just shake your leg and do the mess around «

              » I said do the mess around «

              » Now let me have it there, boys «

              » Now you got it, boys «

              » Yeah «

              » Go on and mess around «

              » Now this band's gonna play from  :   to  :   «

              » Everybody here's gonna have some fun «

              » Doin' the mess around «

              » They're doin' the mess around «

              » Everybody do the mess around «

              That was Ray Charles Doin' The Mess Around.

              Weather's beginning to clear up.

              Hope you're Enjoying your evening.

              It's almost half past the hour...


              Oh, come on.

              All right.


              Oh, shit!




              There you go.


              Think it out. Just relax.

              Let go! Let go.


              What's happening?

              Oh, we almost hit a deer. That's all.

              Are you all right?

              Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine.

              It's hot in here. Take your parka off.

              Yes. Yes, I will.

              Holy shit! That guy's on the wrong side.

              He's going to kill somebody!

              Oh, my God!



              Hey, what's going on?

              Some joker wants to race.

              Turn around!

              Don't race. It's ridiculous.

              All right, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

              Put your window down!

              He wants something.

              He's probably drunk.

              You're going the wrong way!


              You're going the wrong way!

              He says we're going the wrong way.

              Oh, he's drunk.

              How would he know where we're going?

              Yeah, how would he know?

              Thank you. Thanks a lot.


              Thank you.

              What a moron.

              You're going in the wrong direction!

              You're going to kill somebody!

              You're going the wrong way!

              Truck. Truck.



              Ah ha ha ha ha!

              Ah ha ha ha ha!

              Well, this isn't so bad.

              I thought it would be a lot worse than this.

              They'll be able to buff this out.

              Oh, yeah.


              I mean, that was close.

              We can laugh about it now. We're all right.

              The whole, uh...

              Maybe we should just get my stuff off the road, huh?

              What do you think? Yeah.

              Yeah, that's a good idea.

              Oh, my back!





              Come on. Here we go.


              Oh. Set it down for a second.

              Whew. What a night.



              You finally did it to yourself.


              I mean, good luck turning the car in.

              They'll be happy as pigs in shit to see you.

              How could you rent the thing anyway

              without a credit card?

              You couldn't. How could you do it?

              I gave this gal behind the counter

              a set of shower curtain rings.

              You can't rent a car

              with shower curtain rings.

              Well, uh...

              somehow your, uh...

              diner's club card wound up in my wallet,

              and l, uh, just...

              You stole it!

              Not exactly.

              You stole my card!

              I didn't.

              You stole my card, rented a car, then burned it up!

              I found it in my wallet!

              I thought you put it there.

              Why would I do that?




              You stole it!

              He stole it!

              No, I didn't. I was going to send it back to you

              with whatever the rental car charge was, plus interest.

              You didn't give me your address. What could I do?

              You just ditched me.

              I had no money, no cards, nothing.

              Give it back!

              I can't!

              Why not?


              Because why?

              When we stopped to gas up,

              I put the card back in your wallet.


              Are you mad at me?



              You know, you could've killed me,

              slugging me in the gut when I wasn't ready.

              That's how Houdini died.

              Ow. Ah!

              One good thing about it--

              with all this fresh air, we'll sleep like babies.

              Neal? Hey, hey, Neal, Wait up.

              I need one room.

              If you're pissed at me, we can get separate rooms.

              Get your own room.

              I'll need a major credit card.

              All right. All right.

              I have, uh...



              and a gasoline card.


              these aren't, uh, credit cards.

              All right, I'll pay cash. Cash.

              $  .  .

              How about...$  ?

              I can't do that.


              Have mercy.

              I've been wearing the same underwear

              since Tuesday.

              I can vouch for that.

              I don't--I don't-- I don't own the place.

              $   and a hell of a nice watch.


              Um, would you like a room?

              I got a slight problem here.

              I don't have the $  .  .

              You have $   and a good watch?

              No, I don't. I have, uh...

              I have $ .   and, uh...

              and a Casio.


                I'm going to have to say good night, so...

                Well, Marie,

                once again, my dear, you were as right as rain.

                I am, without a doubt,

                the biggest pain in the butt

                that ever came down the pike.

                I meet someone whose company I really enjoy,

                and what do I do?

                I go overboard.

                I smother the poor soul.

                I cause him more trouble

                than he has a right to.

                God, I got a big mouth.


                When am I ever going to wake up?

                I wish you were here with me right now.

                But I guess...

                that's not going to happen.

                Not now, anyway.

                What did I do

                to get hooked up with this guy?

                You're going to freeze to death out there.

                How's your drink?


                Go for another one?

                Where you been?

                You been to Italy?

                You had amaretto?

                I have amaretto, and this is a gin.

                Is there a tequila there?

                Ahem. A little Mexican trip.


                Here you go. Coming up.

                Is this a good combo or what?

                No, probably not.

                Me, I'm going back to, uh, Jamaica.

                Jamaica, man.

                Go to Jamaica. Have some rum, man.

                Dig it.

                Iree, iree, man.

                Oh, shit.

                You know, when I'm dead and buried,

                all I'll have to prove I was here

                was some shower curtain rings

                that didn't fall down.

                Great legacy, huh?

                At the very least,

                at the absolute minimum,

                you've got a woman you love

                to grow old with, right?

                You love her, don't you?

                Love is not a big enough word.

                It's not a big enough word

                for how I feel about my wife.

                To the wives.

                To the wives.


                Well, let me just close this conversation

                by saying you are one unique individual.

                What is unique?

                Uh...latin for asshole?

                Grab those. I'm going to kick them off.

                As much trouble as I've had on this little journey,

                I'm sure one day I'll look back and laugh.

                You think so?

                Oh, I'm laughing already.

                Oh, God.

                Oh, when that car blew up.

                Was that seat hot or what?

                I feel like a big whopper.

                Turn me over. I'm done on this side.

                I'm afraid to look at my ass.

                I'm going to have those griddle marks on my ass.

                Ha ha ha. Potato chips.

                They're everywhere!


                Ha ha ha!

                This feels like summer camp.

                Ha ha ha! aah!

                Now how the hell does this turn off?



                You all set?

                Just a minute.

                Give it a good push.

                All right.

                All right.

                Oh, geez.

                Push! Put some oomph into it!

                I am! I am!

                Push, for Christ sake!

                We have to rock it.

                All right. OK.

                Up and down. Here we go. Ready?


                Here we go.




                Get in!


                » Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shining «

                » Shine on the one that's gone and been untrue «

                » Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shining «

                » Shine on the one who's gone and left me blue «

                » It was on a moonlit night «

                » Stars shinin' bright «

                » They whispered from on high «

                » Your love has said good-bye «

                » Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shining «


                Oh, great. Great. A cop.

                Watch it!

                How fast are you going?

                I can't tell. The speedometer's melted.

                Pull over.

                Top of the morning, officer.


                Is there something I can help you with?

                What the hell you driving?

                We had a small fire last night.

                You have any idea how fast you were going?

                Our speedometer's melted.

                It's hard to say with any degree of accuracy

                how fast we were going.

                   miles an hour.


                Well, yeah. I can buy that. Sure.

                You'd know better than us,

                especially since our speedometer's melted.

                You feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?

                Yes, I do.

                It's not pretty,

                but it will get you where you want to go.

                You got no outside mirror.

                It's lost.

                You have no functioning gauges.

                No, not a one.

                However, the radio still works.

                Funny as that may seem,

                the radio's the only thing that's really working good.

                Don't ask me how.

                I can't let you go.

                Can't what?

                It's not fit for the road.

                The vehicle will be impounded

                until it's made safe for travel.

                OK, officer, I admit I broke the law,

                and for that I'm really sorry.

                You got me there,

                and I won't argue one iota, I swear.

                However, um...

                if you impound our car,

                I'll be unable to get my friend home

                for his Thanksgiving dinner.

                Well, our ship has come in.

                It's free and it's nonstop.

                I said I'd get you home.

                Just so the heater's working.

                The driver's a little freaky

                about people riding in his cab.

                We can't sit there.

                Then where are we supposed to ride?

                Beats walking, huh?

                You know, you're going to be in Chicago

                in less than three hours, around there,

                if we don't hit traffic,

                and I don't think we should since it's Thanksgiving.

                We're moving now.

                You believe this?

                It's been a hell of a trip.

                Sure has.

                But, uh, after all is said and done,

                you did get me home.

                Next time, let's go first class, all right?

                God, I hope there isn't a next time.

                I know.

                This you?


                It's been great meeting you.

                I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

                You got me home,

                and, uh... a little late.

                A couple days.

                But, uh...

                I'm a little wiser, too.

                Me, too.

                Happy holidays.

                Same to you.

                Happy Thanksgiving, Neal.

                Give my love to the family.

                Maybe I'll meet them someday.

                Say hello to Marie for me.



                And you have a happy Thanksgiving.

                Hey, you know it.

                So long.

                I like-- I like me.

                My wife likes me.

                At the very least, the absolute minimum,

                you've got a woman you love

                to grow old with, right?

                I'm spending too much time away.

                I haven't been home in years.

                I haven't been home in years.

                I haven't been home in years.

                Del, what are you doing here?

                You said you were going home.

                What are you doing here?

                I, uh...

                I don't have a home.

                Marie's been dead for eight years.

                Boy, you are one lucky guy, Neal.

                I know.

                I won't stay long.

                Maybe I'll just say hi,

                then be on my way.

                Just come on.

                Hi ya, kiddo.


                Hey! Hey!

                Neal's home!

                Del Griffith, meet my father-in-law Walt,

                my mother-in-law Peg,

                my mother Joy, and my dad Martin.

                Welcome, Del.

                This little guy's Neal Jr.,

                my little gem Marti,

                and somewhere around here is my baby boy Seth.

                Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.

                Hello, Mr. Griffith.

                Hello, Mrs. Page.

                » Every time you go away «

                » You take a piece of me with you «

                » Every time you go away «

                » You take a piece of me with you «

                » Ooh-hoo «

                » Go on and go free «

                » Maybe you're too close to see «

                » I can feel your body move «

                » Yeah, it doesn't mean that much to me «

                » Can't go on sayin' the same thing «

                » Can't you see we've got everything «

                » Even though, you know, you know, yeah «

                » Every time you go away «

                » You take a piece of me «

                » Take a piece of me with you «

                 You're messing with the wrong guy!

                I can take anything.

                Who's that?

                You're no saint.

                 I never did introduce myself.

                Del Griffith.

                Del Griffith.

                Del Griffith.

                Del Griffith.

                I can take anything.

                Wow! Ha ha ha!

                Ha ha ha!

                I mean, that was close.

                You're messing with the wrong guy!

                We can laugh about it now.

                We're all right. Ha ha ha!

                Del Griffith. Del Griffith. D-D-D-Del...

                Who's that?

                You're no saint.

                Del Griffith.

                Who's that?

                I can take anything.

                We can laugh about it.

                How can you stand it?

                How can you stand it?

                Del Griffith.

                Who's that?


                How can you stand it?

                Del Griffith.

                How can you stand it?

                Ha ha ha!

                I mean, that was close.

                You're messing with the wrong guy!

                We can laugh about it now.

                We're all right. Ha ha ha!

                Del Griffith. Del Griffith. D-D-D-Del...

                Who's that?

                No saint.

                Del Griffith.

                Who's that?

                I can take anything.

                Here's two.

                You're three.

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