Police Academy Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Police Academy script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Guttenberg movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Police Academy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Police Academy Script

            We're gonna miss you around here.
            The Police Academy's getting a fine recruit.
            May I...
            ...go now?
            Affirmative, sir.
            Yes, of course.
            You guys.
            The lot's full, mister.
            Don't give me that crap.
            You've got a space.
            The lot's full.
            Find a spot, dickhead.
            - "Dickhead?" - That's right. Where's the manager?
            Park the car, butt breath!
            "Butt breath?"
            Wait a minute. Hold everything. That's a wig, isn't it?
            - Park the car. - That's a wig!
            Wig! Wig!
            - Red alert! - Park the car, asshole! Shut up!
            Girls! It's a rug!
            What's going on here? Hi, Lou.
            This rude little punk won't park my car.
            Mahoney, park this car!
            There aren't any spots.
            Do it now or you're fired. You understand? Fired.
            That's not fair, the guy has a bad attitude.
            Do it!
            I want you to apologize to this man, then park his car.
            Yes, sir.
            I'm sorry.
            Get out of here.
            And clean the ashtray, too.
            I'm sorry, Lou. You just can't get good help these days.
            They don't respect customers or property.
            They don't respect respect.
            Holy shit! Jesus!
            It fits! Damn thing fits.
            I thought there were no more spaces! Am I an idiot?
            Hi, fellas.
            I don't think I'm supposed to get the photos wet.
            You're going to pay for this! Mark my words!
            And you want to know why?
            I'll let you know why. It's no secret. Everybody knows.
            I'm joining the police force!
            What do you think of that?
            Now who's in charge?
            Hey, Sarge, it's him again.
             I'll call Captain Reed. Sit over there, Mahoney.
              Sit. And stay there.
              What are you in for?
              I'll show you.
              Goddamn it! Stop that!
              No, sir, not you.
              That's terrific. Really.
              What's your name?
              Jones. Larvell Jones.
              Monsignor Larvell Jones.
              Let's go, Mahoney.
              Bye, Monsignor.
              Doctor Monsignor.
              Why can't you stay out of trouble?
              What's wrong with you? Last week: Disturbing the peace.
              Week before that: Destroying private property.
              And I'm getting tired of saving your butt.
              I only do it because of your father.
              He was a good friend.
              Yeah, I know.
              Mahoney, I've made a decision.
              I ain't gonna help you this time.
              You're going to the county lockup.
              Why? I didn't do anything really major.
              Then let's make a deal.
              I want you to go to the Police Academy.
              The Police Academy?
              Even if you never graduate, the training will be good.
              Wait a minute.
              Wait a minute. Reed?
              Listen, you've seen the commercials on TV.
              The Academy's taking all kinds these days.
              Anybody can get in.
              Even you.
              No deal. That's nuts.
              It's either that or the lockup.
              Police Academy or jail.
              Will I get my own squad car?
              You'll get    weeks of Academy training and discipline...
              ...starting Monday morning.
              Fourteen weeks.
              They can throw you out.
              But you can't quit. If you quit, you're back in jail.
              That's the deal.
              Can I bring a friend?
              Monsignor Larvell Jones, my personal physician.
              You decide.
              Don't go. I love you. I don't want you to get hurt.
              I worry about you. You're so accident-prone.
              And the Police Academy is such a dangerous place.
              Don't worry. I'll be okay.
              Everything'll be okay.
              Start that car and you're a dead man!
              Honey, I'm late.
              Pull out of that driveway and I'll have your head on a pole!
              You move this car an inch and you're finished! You hear me?
              Of all the things that you could be in this world, why a policeman?
              A policewoman.
              But why?
              Because it's exciting, it's different.
              It'll give me a chance to meet interesting and unusual people.
              People who aren't like you and me.
              - Look, it's the chief. - Really?
              Hey, mention my name.
              Cadet Kyle Blankes reporting for duty!
              Get away from me, you asshole.
              Yes, sir!
              Where are we, man?
              Here we are. I got to go now. Bye.
              Okay, girls. Remember, I love you.
              Introduce yourself around.
              Do you know all those women?
              - They're my girlfriends. - All of them?
              Carey Mahoney.
              I'm George Martin.
              Let's be pals. You're an interesting guy.
              Are you a cadet?
              Until I can get myself thrown out. I'll be gone by   :  .
              You joined the Academy to get thrown out?
              Hey, you're pretty interesting yourself.
              Look at that.
              Just look at that.
              Look at that scum.
              When I went through this academy...
              ...every cadet was the right weight, height, color, and they all had Johnsons.
              Every single one of them.
              You know...
              Back in the old days, there were Johnsons as far as the eye could see.
              And what a lovely sight it was.
              Have you seen these applications?
              Have you seen what our new lady mayor has brought us?
              She is attempting to dismantle...
              ...one of this country's great institutions of law and order.
              What do you say to that?
              The bitch!
              - Commandant? - Yes, Chief.
              The mayor says we've got to take this flotsam.
              But that doesn't mean we have to put them on the Force.
              You get my drift?
              Weed the undesirables out.
              Get rid of them.
              No problem, Chief. We'll start washing them out this morning.
              We don't throw them out.
              We encourage them to quit on their own.
              Do you understand?
              I think I understand, sir.
              Thank you, Lieutenant Harris, I'm sure you do.
              - Lassard? - What?
              Do you understand?
              It's clear as glass, Chief.
              Then we all know what to do.
              Sure are a lot of spades around here.
              Which I think is good.
              Very good for the Academy.
              What the hell are you doing here?
              I want to be a police officer.
              What? I can't hear you.
              I want to be a police officer.
              Don't unpack.
              Time to get thrown out.
              What's your name, Cadet?
              - You live nearby? - No, sir.
              What's your telephone number?
              Come on, eyes front. Telephone number.
               - - - - - -  sir!
              Okay, let's see the thighs.
              Come on, I haven't got all day. The thighs.
              What are you doing?
              Meeting women, sir.
              What's your name, dirtbag?
              Your name?
              Mahoney, sir!
              Get back in line, Mahoney.
              Can I have a second with you?
              I don't really belong here.
              Get... back... in line.
              Mom, it's all right. Don't worry. Come here, princess!
              My name is Commandant Lassard. Welcome to the new police force.
              Your training time here will last...
              ...fourteen weeks.
              You will be schooled in firearms, police procedures, local laws and...
              ...many other things.
              After    weeks, some of you will be police officers, some will not.
              Some of you will be...
              Here at the Academy...
              Here at the Academy...
              You will learn...
              You will learn...
              Princess? Looks more like a prince to me.
              Give me that dog!
              But he's mine, sir.
              But he's a queer.
              Cadets, proceed to the supply room and draw your uniforms!
              Fall out! Let's go! Move it!
              What about guns? When do we get guns?
              - I'm a size   sometimes a size   . - Next.
              You three dirtbags report to the Academy barber immediately.
              Where's that?
              Find it, rat face.
              "Rat face"?
              He probably meant the other guy.
              What's that?
              That's where the commandant and his wife live.
              Do you know where we get our clothes?
              Yeah. You got to go right over there.
              - Here? - Yeah.
              Go right in and tell them Mahoney sent you.
              Be out of here by  :  .
              Move it, dirtbag. I'm first.
              And I'm next.
              For important guys like you, I'll wait.
              Take it all off.
              Just a little off the side, please.
              You can do that?
              Sure. This ain't the army.
              Let's go! We've got to find you little babies a place to sleep.
              Better listen up, you fart-blossoms!
              You sure you said Mahoney?
              I even spelled it.
              Copeland and Blankes, in here!
              This man is my physician. I can't live without him.
              Right down here, I want Fackler and Martin.
              Right here, Mahoney and Tackleberry.
              Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!
              Thank you, I've always wanted to live with a nut.
              My pleasure.
              Mahoney, is it?
              I'd like to say one more...
              The rest of you wimps come with me. Move it, move it!
              You're married?
              That's beautiful.
              To me, marriage is a sacred institution.
              You and the wife do it doggie-style?
              Room ready for inspection!
              Good haircuts, men.
              Thank you, sir!
              Damn good haircuts.
              Thank you, sir.
              ...I've got a little problem.
              It seems I've got a squad full of scumbuckets...
              ...a whole big bunch of losers.
              And I was hoping that you two fine, young cadets...
              ...might help me to get rid of a few of them.
              Will you help me out?
              Yes, sir.
              I'm Chad Copeland, sir.
              Good for you.
              I'm Douglas Fackler. I always wanted to be a cop.
               Lieutenant Hoffman,  report immediately to the infirmary.
              Hey, Thompson!
              How do I look?
              That wasn't funny this morning.
              I wasn't trying to be funny. I'd love to see your thighs.
              Would you describe them for me?
              Well, they're tan, very supple, well-rounded...
              ...and luxuriant to the touch.
              My name is Lt. Harris...
              ...in case you missed it.
              This is Sgt. Callahan...
              ...in case you missed it.
              We are the meanest instructors here.
              We've got you because you are the worst people here.
              You people are D-Squad.
              "D" for "dirtbags".
              When I say, "Hey, dirtbags", that means you.
              You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives.
              I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here.
              It is traditional here for each squad...
              ...to have two student squad-leaders.
              I have chosen Cadets Blankes and Dopeland. Step out, men.
              If these two cadets give you an order...
              ...obey it!
              I thought it would be nice...
              ...if we were to close out our first afternoon together...
              ...with a nice little stroll around the campus.
              Move out, maggots!
              This is definitely not Ecuador.
              Get up, Barbara. Get up!
              Move it, move it!
              I could show a movie on your butt, fatso!
              More! I want more!
               Lights out in    minutes.
               Lights out in    minutes.
              Game over.
              Police... work... is...
              ...what... you... are...
              ...here... for!
              ...traffic violations...
              You will have many examinations...
              ...which you must pass.
              ...you will endure an extremely rigorous physical training program.
              Do you know what that means, Hooks?
              I'm not sure, sir.
              Voice commands.
              We will learn to use our voices with authority.
              Have any of you had any military training?
              I served with the US Army Airborne    th Special Forces Unit.
              Anybody else?
              You have had prior military training?
              Yes, but not in this life.
              In a previous life, I served with Her Majesty's Forces in India.
              If you're trying to get thrown out...
              ...I'm afraid, that's quite impossible.
              Impossible? What's going on? I'll have to see the commandant about this.
              ...you will also learn the Municipal Code. You will learn them by heart.
               Cadet Mahoney.
               Report immediately  to the commandant's office.
              Okay, Mahoney, get going. On the double! Move it!
               Lieutenant Harris...
               ... report immediately to the firing range.
              Excuse me.
              Callahan, take over.
              No one's allowed in here!
              I got a problem, Chief.
              It's "Commandant"!
              Sorry. Is that your fish?
              No, it belongs to a friend. What do you want?
              I want out of here. Right now.
              Out of this office?
              No, out of the Academy.
              That's no problem. You can just quit.
              I can't quit.
              Of course you can. Many wonderful people have quit many...
              Do you know Capt. Reed?
              Yes. Capt. Reed. You're Mahoney.
              You're a special case. You can't quit.
              I know that.
              And I can't throw you out.
              Why not?
              I promised Capt. Reed...
              ...I'd keep you here the full    weeks.
              He told me that I could...
              I'm trapped here?
              Well, yes. We all are.
              This is definitely not for me.
               Come on, Hooks, get over the wall.  Move it, move it!
               Come on, Hooks, get up!
               Skip it! Go around! You won't make it.  Why don't you quit?
               Quit, quit, quit! You'll never make it!
              Sir, I'm terribly sorry, but I seem to have ripped my pants.
              Don't try me, punk.
              Now, wise guy...
              ...you run, don't trot...
              ...to the supply room, and you get a new pair.
              Yes, sir. I'll be back later in the day.
               Be back in five minutes!
              Yes, sir. Shit, I'm deaf.
              You got brown shoe-polish?
              I've got cordovan. Who's it for?
              Lieutenant Harris.
              Sir! Look, sir, new pants.
              Give me that!
               You scumbags, you have    minutes  to shower and get to class.
               Let's go! Move it!
               Pick it up! Pick it up!
               Pick it up, assholes!
              So far, nobody's quit.
              But they will.
              I told you not to try me, boy.
              Stand up.
              I want you two squad leaders...
              ...to take Mr. Mahoney here and run him until he throws up.
              Yes, sir.
              And then, just after he throws up...
              ...run him some more.
              Yes, sir.
              You are going to learn, Mahoney...
              ...that nobody...
              ...with me.
              Pick it up, pick it up!
              This is great. Two assholes, no waiting.
              Please just let me yell at him without interrupting.
              Son, where did you get this gun?
              My mom gave it to me.
              Can I borrow it for a little while?
              You will learn to defend yourselves without a stick or firearm.
              I need a volunteer.
              Barbara, get out here.
              I just ate.
              Right where I'm standing.
              Right now!
              Come at me with an imaginary knife.
              Do I have to?
              Yes, you do. I'm not joking.
              Come on! Come on!
              That's how it's done. Who's next?
              You have    minutes to complete the test.
              Try to answer as many questions as possible.
              All right, start.
              You know, Mahoney...
              ...I'd like to spend a month breaking you into little pieces.
              But I won't...
              ...because you're bad.
              You're bad for morale, Mahoney.
              You look like the sweet little boy from next door.
              But you don't fool me.
              You're the devil, and you're rotten to the core.
              And you're ruining my chances of training some good cops!
              I agree, sir.
              You make me sick!
              I make everybody sick.
              We're picking up this telephone to call Capt. Reed.
              And you're going to help talk him out of this terrible mistake.
              Terrific. I'll do my part.
              You're damn right you will.
               This is the Academy.  I'd like to speak to a Capt. Reed.
               Captain Reed? Yes, sir. How are you, sir?
               This is Lt. Harris of the Police Academy...
              Captain Reed, can I get out of here?
              No? Okay.
              I tried.
              Captain Reed, thank you so much. Goodbye.
              I don't know what you're doing.
              I don't know why you're here.
              But you'll never be a cop as long as I live!
              Get your butt off my desk and get out!
              I already told you once.
              Nobody screws with me.
              Maybe you'll meet the right girl and that'll change.
              Get out of here now!
              Come on, Mahoney. Harris said you had to do a hundred.
              Here's a pair of my old sweat socks. I wore them all day.
              That should help you to get up.
              You did it.
              You son of a bitch!
              This is a hell of a way to spend my evenings!
              I can't feel my arms anymore.
              Barbara, come here.
              Come on, right here!
              - I want you to give me your best shot. - What?
              Hit me with your best shot.
              - Hit you? - Yeah, come on.
              No, really...
              Hit me!
              Do it now!
              I can't.
              How was that?
              Was that okay?
              Yeah, that's good.
              This weekend is your first leave from the Academy.
              When you go, wherever it is you filthbags go...
              ...do take note of how nice things are on the outside.
              Do give serious consideration to not coming back.
              Four of you have already quit.
              And that's just the beginning.
              They'll get together for a party. They always do.
              You go with them.
              Whenever they get out of line, give me a ring.
              Hi, Leslie.
              Studying hard?
              Where's the party going to be?
              I don't know anything about a party.
              I'm going home for the weekend to visit my mom and dad.
              If you don't mind, I do have to study.
              I don't think we have his full attention.
              So take his books and throw them out the window.
              My pleasure, Kyle.
              Find out where the party is.
              Ask Mahoney.
              Could I speak to you outside for just a second?
              What's up?
              Is there a party this weekend?
              Of course. Do you want to come?
              No, I can't.
              I just need to know where it is. Sorry to be asking.
              Then why are you asking?
              Some people want to know.
              It's no big secret. It's at the Blue Oyster bar.
              Why are you at the Academy, Hightower?
              I got bored with my chosen profession.
              What was that?
              I was a florist.
              A florist?
              You know, flowers and shit.
              - Hi. - Hi.
              I didn't think you'd come.
              I wouldn't miss it for the world.
              Do you want to go for a walk?
              Yeah. Are you kidding? Of course.
              - Can you tell me something? - Yeah?
              Why do you want to be a cop?
              I like to dress like a man.
              Me too.
              Let's go. Move it!
              I want two lines. The first one on the step, the second one off.
              Why didn't you call me this weekend?
              Well, nothing really happened, sir.
              There was a party, wasn't there?
              Yes, sir.
              Well, what went on?
              Dancing, sir.
              Mostly dancing.
              Hightower, you're first. Let's go.
              Come with me.
              Ready now, sir.
              Thank you.
              Got him.
              You're next.
              Come with me.
              Holy shit!
              Get back here.
              - Yes, sir. - Yes, ma'am!
              Don't worry, I can explain everything.
              Shut up!
              Yes, sir.
              Yes, ma'am!
              You've been sneaking in here every night for weeks.
              What? No!
              What do you think I ought to do about this?
              A police officer must generate respect and confidence.
              His or her voice, Hooks...
              ...has a great deal to do with that. Hooks, stand right over here.
              Today, Hooks.
              Here is the house.
              Here is the window.
              And I am a burglar.
              I am coming out of the window...
              ...with a stolen stereo in my hand.
              I'm coming out of the window, over the hedge...
              ...and you are the arresting officer.
              What do you say, Hooks?
              Don't move! This is a stickup!
              I mean, police officer. Stop.
              Sit down, Hooks.
              Sit, sit, sit.
              Tackleberry, you try it. Same situation.
              Here is the house. Here is the window.
              I'm the burglar coming out of the house, over the hedge...
              ...I've got the stolen stereo in my hands.
              Drop that stereo before I blow your nuts off, asshole!
              Tackleberry, we really need to talk.
              Mahoney, let me ask you a question.
              Has a woman ever just...
              ...thrown you down and screwed your brains out?
              It happened to me last night.
              Really? How was it?
              I think...
              ...I'm in love.
              - How many girls were there? - Just one.
              You made love to just one girl?
              That's disgusting.
              Yeah, I know.
              Can I ask you something?
              Every now and then you seem to lose your Spanish accent.
              What's up?
              Every now and then.
              - Can you keep a secret? - Yeah.
              I'm not really George Martin.
              I'm just plain old George Martin, fourth-generation American.
              I just use the accent to get the girls.
              Does it work?
              He's in the gym.
              You'll pay for sending us to the wrong party.
              - I'll tell him. - Not just pushups!
              We'll get your fat ass thrown out of here.
              You'll find out.
              Mahoney isn't the only one who can play tricks.
              Take it easy. These ain't track shoes.
              Just hurry up.
              I'm in a hurry, too. I'm not comfortable in these surroundings.
              - Come on up. - Up here?
              When do I get the rest of my money?
              When the job's over.
              That's good. Why don't you just sit down over there.
              You scumballs,    minutes to room inspection. Move it.
              Hi, honey.
              Got a light?
              I don't smoke. I have a friend who smokes. I'll go get him.
              Mahoney, major problem.
              My goodness!
              Would you please just calm down and take it easy?
              I just like to do it in strange places, that's all.
              Why didn't you say so?
              This academy is one of the most comprehensive in the country.
              I could point out many, many features to you.
              - Squeeze in here. - In here?
              - You want to do it in a podium? - All my life.
              - I'll be back. - Where you going?
              I'm not the customer. He'll be here any second now.
              Gentlemen, please follow me.
              We have a very, very fine...
              ...slide presentation for you.
              Please take your seats.
              There's plenty of room for everybody.
              First of all, I'd like to say I'm sorry...
              ...that everybody could not make it.
              For those here, I think you'll find the presentation interesting...
              ...as well as very, very stimulating.
              Could we have the lights turned down?
              Now this first slide...
              ...shows a very...
              ...very interesting thing:
              Our main building.
              In slide...
              ...we see...
              ...another view...
              ...of... it!
              Oh, my God! You wouldn't believe it.
              Let us look at this slide for a moment, without comment.
              I think it speaks for itself!
              Could we have the lights, please?
              I hope this was as much fun for you as it was for me.
              Let's have lunch, shall we?
              And maybe, smoke a cigarette.
              Good speech.
              What do you intend to do about Mahoney?
              What's he done?
              I'll tell you what he's done.
              Yes, sir?
              He did a very, very bad thing.
              To whom, sir?
              To whom?
              Yes, sir.
              Well, I don't know.
              Are you all right?
              No, not really. May I go?
              Of course.
              Thank you.
              You're welcome.
               From now on, part of your training will be  to ride, from time to time...
               ... in actual squad cars  with actual police officers...
               ... in actual situations.
              And you'd better actually keep your mouths shut.
              And your eyes and your ears open.
              Mahoney, why don't you ride with me?
              Move it!
               Lieutenant Harris, I've changed my mind.  I want to be a cop.
               Never, punk.
               All I have to do is behave...
               Get out of this car. You hear me?
               You get out there and you follow me.
               You stay right behind me, punk!
               Oh, how I love a ride in the country.
              Can you get my kitty-cat out of the tree?
              No problem, ma'am.
              Oh, no... wait!
              What the hell is this?
              I'll be right back.
              What the hell is going on down there?
              Move it!
              Hey, you, give me that bike!
              Come on, move it! This is official police business. Move it!
              Don't worry, I won't hurt it.
              My God!
              Someone call a veterinarian!
              Your new hat, sir.
              You told no one?
              Not a soul.
              I need to talk.
              That's terrific, Hightower, but...
              ...it's  :   a.m.
              The driving course is tomorrow.
              I haven't driven since I was   .
              You're kidding.
              If I don't pass this driving course, Harris said they'll kick me out.
              All right. Let's go.
              Sleeping is for fags.
              First, we've got to steal a car. Copeland's should do.
              Okay, your turn.
              Now, you've got to remember to drive defensively...
              ...or offensively, depending on your needs.
              Let's move the seat back a little.
              On second thought, let's rip the front seats out and sit in the back.
              I was kidding about the front seat. But this is good.
              It's different. Comfort's important.
              Put it into first. Right. Little more. You can go a little faster now.
              Yeah, you're doing beautifully. You feel it? You feel what's going on?
              You can turn off the windshield wipers.
              Okay, now there's another car.
              You didn't hit the brakes!
              You didn't tell me to.
              You idiot!
              You bastard! You dumb shit!
              - Pull over and let me drive. - No, not now.
              This is fun!
              - Pull over. - No, I'm getting out of here.
              Attaboy, Hightower!
              I taught him everything he knows.
              Not bad.
              Not bad.
              Miss Hooks... you're next.
              Hurry up!
              Thanks, Mahoney. You saved my life.
              - Maybe someday you'll save mine. - Any time.
              You're next. Yellow line.
              " You better not cry "
              " You better not pout, I'm telling you why "
                What is it?
                She ran over my feet!
                I'm sorry. I really am.
                Sorry? You dumb, fat jigaboo!
                At ease, Hightower. At ease.
                He didn't mean it. He was joking.
                Don't do that!
                If you don't stop, you are out of here! I am warning you!
                You messed up big, mister!
                Now you get your stuff and get out of here! Now!
                 Attention, applications  for motorcycle service...
                 ... should be turned in by Friday.
                One down, several to go.
                Copeland, get out of that car.
                It's got to be Mahoney.
                I know, I know.
                Out of everybody, I thought Hightower would make it.
                If all cops looked like him, there'd be no crime.
                I'm getting sick of this place.
                How're you doing, "Ma-homo"?
                Don't fool with me now, Blankes.
                You wrecked my car!
                No, Hightower did. Go see him. That'd be a matchup.
                Because we want you.
                Okay, how about   :   midnight? Nine o'clock on the coast.
                I'm talking right now, Mahoney. You throw the first punch.
                A cadet could get thrown out for hitting another cadet.
                I thought you wanted to get thrown out.
                Here's your chance.
                Mahoney, I'm going to rub this right in your face. On your mark...
                ...get set...
                Who threw the first punch?
                That's all I want to know.
                Barbara did.
                - Barbara? - That's right, sir.
                Then he's out of here. Him and his queer dog.
                Wait a minute. Barbara didn't throw the first punch.
                - He did so. - I did.
                You're out of your mind!
                Who'd you rather have out?
                Is that true, Blankes?
                Did Mahoney start it?
                Yes, sir. Mahoney started it.
                Then, Mahoney, my little piss-ant...
                ...you are out of the Academy forever.
                Get your stuff.
                And get out.
                Too bad, so sad, bye-bye.
                Does the radio bother you?
                I could turn it down.
                Here, I brought you an apple.
                My God! Here, take this!
                Free TV's!
                There's a riot going on!
                - Hi. Want a ride? - No, thanks.
                Hey, did you two hear the news on the radio?
                - A riot's broken out downtown. - How come?
                Who knows how these things get started?
                 All cadets report immediately  to the parking lot in full riot gear.
                 This is not a joke.
                - Was that you? - No!
                This is the big one.
                It's time this cop...
                ...met the public.
                Listen up. Here's the situation. There is a state...
                ...of general disorder in the Oakfield section of town.
                Real police are handling it.
                We are being sent to a peripheral safe area.
                Our job is to divert traffic away from the trouble...
                ...and to protect public property.
                You'll have live ammunition...
                ...but there'll be no call to use it.
                Tackleberry... do you understand, numb nuts?
                Yes, sir.
                We are now entering the expressway at Belmont.
                Very good. Your bus is to deploy on Sixteenth Street.
                Sixteenth Street? Are you sure, sir?
                Of course. I never forget a number.
                Yes, sir.
                There's nobody around.
                I guess they're hiding.
                All right, let's go, dirtbags! Let's move it!
                You, one block over, one block up.
                You, one block down.
                You, one block up.
                You, one block over.
                Let's go. Let's go.
                 If you have to make an arrest...
                 ... do it as quietly as possible.
                It sure is quiet around here.
                Fackler! How's it going?
                Just fine, thanks.
                - What are you doing here? - We're from the Academy.
                You're supposed to be blocks away. The riot's right down this street!
                We're pulling out!
                I love sushi. I'm into back-rubs, all kinds of Japanese stuff.
                My car stereo, it's a Sony.
                My friend's father was killed at Pearl Harbor.
                Maybe your family had something to do with it?
                You know saki?
                The wine? I know a place where they heat it up before they serve it.
                Holy shit!
                I got to go now.
                Hello, men! I thought I'd come by for a personal inspection.
                - Okay if we get in, sir? - I guess so.
                Why not?
                How's it going?
                Give me a fix on the situation.
                Not that good, sir.
                This is very bad!
                The main thing is not to panic.
                 Attention, everybody!
                 Attention! This is Comdt. Eric Lassard  of the Police Academy.
                 If you do not disperse immediately,  we will arrest you.
                 You have five seconds to move away.
                 Five... four... three... two... one!
                Give me the thing!
                You should park cars for a living.
                Anybody want any of this?
                You want this? You'd die for this.
                You're not so tough now.
                How about you? You want this? I'm talking to you, twerp!
                Damn it! Look, in here.
                Try this one.
                This is Cadet Leslie Barbara. Help.
                Barbara, this is Lt. Harris.
                Just calm down.
                I'm being chased by    rioters.
                Barbara, just tell me where you are.
                I'm passing you now, sir.
                Holy shit!
                Get the cops!
                Hold it.
                Why, if it isn't Leslie Barbara, the police officer.
                You're not going to shoot us.
                You wouldn't shoot old friends, would you?
                Get lost. We're busy.
                Get the furniture back up there and get out of the area!
                But it's our furniture.
                Callahan calling Harris. Come in.
                Come in!
                Where the hell is Harris?
                I don't know.
                - She doesn't know! - I heard her.
                Why don't you shoot back?
                - Are those gunshots? - Fucking A.
                Shoot back! Come on!
                Look up there!
                That looks like Harris up there.
                Should we shoot back?
                I don't think so.
                Come on!
                Stay there!
                I'll bet there's a back door to this place.
                Hooks! Get back here! That's an order!
                Oh, shit!
                Don't move, you bastard!
                Run, Thompson!
                Put the gun down.
                Let's say you put your gun down.
                Any last-minute tips?
                Nothing really comes to mind.
                What's it gonna be?
                Throw it over the ledge.
                I got two piglet-wigglets.
                What do you want?
                I want to watch you off these pigs.
                Which one do we do first?
                I'd shoot this one.
                Yeah, the old one.
                Looks like cadet revolvers to me.
                I know those guys.
                Don't move, dirtbag!
                What's wrong with this man?
                There was gunplay and he missed it.
                - Captain Reed. - Nice to meet you, sir.
                Thank you for looking out for Mahoney.
                It was an honor and a pleasure, sir.
                Thank you, sir.
                Is this woman bothering you?
                No. This is my mother.
                Ten-four. Carry on.
                Then at  :   you'll meet my mother.
                You'd better have some flowers.
                You men, stop that!
                That's more like it.
                Keep up the good work.
                 The commandant of the Academy,  Eric Lassard.
                 So many unusual events have happened  to this graduating class...
                 ... and to me, also.
                 I could tell you many stories, but instead...
                 ... I have a presentation to make.
                 No Academy cadet has ever received  the highest award...
                 ... of this police department.
                 Today, there are two:
                 Officers Moses Hightower...
                 ... and Carey Mahoney.
                 Gentlemen, please step forward.
                You are both expected to make a few short remarks.
                 Officer Hightower.
                 That was very, very good.
                 Officer Mahoney.
                 Thank you Comdt. Lassard, Chief Hurnst...
                 ... Madam Mayor, Mr. President...
                 ... His Holiness the Pope,  the King of Norway...
                 ... and our other honored guests.

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