Voila! Finally, the Polyester
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the John Waters movie
starring Divine. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Polyester. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hello, moviegoers.
I am Dr. Arnold Quackenshaw.
I'm here to explain to you...
the wondrous screen gimmick,
Odorama.
Odorama will enable you,
the viewer...
to actually smell,
right from your movie seat...
some of life's
most fragrant odors.
The producers of this film...
have unselfishly spent
untold millions of dollars...
to develop
this startling process.
And l, I have been locked away
for many years...
in the laboratory...
experimenting
with this mind-boggling project.
I would like to share with you
some of my research.
All right, first of all...
this... is the nose.
The most prominent part
of the human face.
It bears the nostrils
und covers the nasal passages.
We all have one, this nose,
call it what you will...
sneezer, schnoz, beak,
smeller, snout, schnoot...
it all means the same thing.
Through this nose...
comes some of life's
most rewarding sensations...
und we plan to share with you...
some of the most beautiful odors
known to mankind.
Unfortunately, this same nose...
is also responsible
for bringing us some odors...
that are rather repulsive.
We have not shied away
from this distressing fact.
You will experience some odors
that may shock you...
but the producers
of this film...
believe that today's audiences
are mature enough...
to accept the fact
that some things in life...
just plain stink.
All right, now,
this is the product...
of our endless
experimentation...
the Odorama card.
The card is actually
quite simple to operate.
Just listen carefully
und follow my instructions.
When a number appears
on the screen...
that is your signal
to scratch and to sniff...
the same number
on your Odorama card.
Use anything you want
to scratch it.
Use a key, a coin.
Use your fingernail.
Number one...
Now, sniff it, number one.
You get it? You smell it?
It works.
By God, it actually works!
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Odorama.
Down with smut!
Down with smut!
The porno king!
Smut king! You bought this house
with the profits of porno!
Children are going to hell
because of your theater.
What have you got to say to him?
Children under $ . .
Please show "Benji"!
Please show G-rated movies!
Garbage and filth!
Elmer, thank God you're home.
Get off of me! Why haven't you
notified the press?
Think of the publicity!
The theater will be packed
tomorrow night.
Please don't call the press.
Is bad enough already.
All the neighborhood women
spit at me in the shopping mall.
You wouldn't be in the mall
if it wasn't for my theater.
Hello? Channel News?
This is Elmer Fishpaw,
Wyman Way.
I'm the owner
of the Charles Art Theater.
You might want to send
a mini-cam crew to my home.
Mini-cam?! Elmer, please!
The Citizens for Decent Films...
are violently demonstrating
on my front lawn.
Filth!
Elmer, there are more of them
out there.
I'll never be able
to show my face in church again!
I'll be excommunicated
because of you!
Stop that yammering
and fix me a drink.
- What do we love?
- Decency!
- What do we hate?
- Filth!
Down with smut!
Here, Bonkers.
Here's little Bonkers.
Bonkers is Daddy's little baby.
Bonkers knows who's boss
in this house.
Give me a little kiss, Bonkers.
That a little doggie.
Little doggie!
You are so cute, Bonkers.
Elmer,
that dog stinks to high heaven.
You'll be permeated by his odor.
Well, this whole world stinks,
so get used to it.
You and that big nose
of yours...
are starting
to get on my nerves.
Snorting around the place
like a goddamn anteater.
I've about had it with you.
Give me that drink!
- Yes, dear.
- Hurry up!
- What do we hate?
- Filth!
Lu-Lu, dinner's ready!
I'll be down in a minute.
Dexter, honey,
dinner's on the table.
Elmer, dinner's served.
I'm in here waiting for it!
Elmer, les try and have
a pleasant family dinner.
Les be kind to the other
members of the family.
I'll try, Francine,
but don't go riling me up.
Choose your words with care,
and I won't get riled.
Yes, dear.
Lu-Lu,
your hair looks so pretty.
I know.
Dexter,
did you do your homework, honey?
Sure, sure.
Can we say grace?
Can we at least do that?
Bless us, O Lord,
and these Thy gifts...
which we are about
to receive from Thy bounty...
through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Don't answer it!
Is a TV crew!
I'll handle that.
You all stay here.
Mr. Fishpaw,
would you step out, please?
Why, certainly.
Mr. Fishpaw, I'm Jerry Haller
from Channel News.
I was wondering,
could you make a comment...
on this demonstration against
your X-rated movie theater?
I'll show any movie
I wanna show.
This is a free country,
isn't it?
Our current attraction
is "My Burning Bush."
We have shows daily at :
: : : and : !
Leave us alone!
Please, leave us alone!
My family hasn't done anything
to you.
I'm a good Christian woman!
Two-four-six-eight!
All that free publicity.
I can't wait to see
the : news.
- Excuse me? Excuse me?
- What the hell?
Excuse me,
my name's Freddy Ashton.
I'm sorry if I caught you
at a bad time.
I have a date
with your daughter, Lu-Lu.
She didn't say anything to me
about a date.
- It is a school night.
- Yes, ma'am, I know.
We're going to work on
our term papers at the library.
You take care of this, Francine.
I'm gonna fix myself a big drink
and get into bed.
I've got a big day
counting money tomorrow.
Nice meeting you, Mr. Fishpaw.
Have a nice night!
I think is disgraceful
the way your neighbors act.
Very kind of you to say so,
Freddy.
- Won't you sit down?
- Thank you.
I didn't get your last name?
Ashton.
You're not by any chance
a friend of Bo-Bo Belsinger's?
You see,
Lu-Lu's forbidden to see him.
Oh, no, ma'am.
Hi, Freddy.
Where did you get that outfit?
I borrowed it.
Do you like it?
Thas a new garment, Lu-Lu.
I can smell it.
Have you been shoplifting again?
I bought it with money I saved.
What money?
You don't have a job.
Boys at school give me money.
- For what?
- For dancing at lunch period!
You dance lewdly for the boys
at lunch period?
For a quarter I will.
Stop that dancing!
Don't be upset, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Puberty brings on
strange behavior in adolescents.
I'll take good care of her.
Have a nice night.
Good-bye, children.
Don't be late,
is a school night.
Freddy, drive carefully.
Lu-Lu, you have fifteen cents
to call home...
I sure do!
Well, be a good girl. Bye!
Lu-Lu, you look so nice tonight.
Freddy, you're so polite.
We're gonna have such fun.
OK, bird-brain,
is gonna cost you ten bucks.
Pull down by the golf course.
Lu-Lu, don't try to shock me,
'cause is not gonna work.
We're going to the library
to study.
Too cheap?
Come on, get moving!
Lu-Lu, stay on your side!
Give it some gas!
See you later, chump.
Bo-Bo!
Lu-Lu, we'd better be
getting to the library.
You ain't going anywhere
with this little lady, faggot!
I believe I had a date with her,
Bo-Bo.
Get lost, moron!
See you later, Freddy!
Go on! Get out of here!
Yeah, shake it all!
Come on, get down!
Hot damn, yeah!
Shake it, Lu-Lu!
Les go!
Come on, yeah.
Come on, girl.
Look what I got.
All right!
Les go downtown
and play some pool!
White honky!
You crazy cracker!
Whas wrong with these children
of today?
Don't he know he just hit one
of the sisters of the church?
I'm sick and tired of what
these children are doing...
Police!
I don't know whas happening!
Les get out of here!
Help!
I didn't do nothing!
Don't stop.
Baltimore Police
today reported...
they had no suspects in
the Baltimore Foot-Stomper Case.
Described as a thin,
white teenage male...
the stomper struck twice
this week...
seriously injuring the feet
of two Baltimore women.
Come on! Where's my footage?
Miss Betty Lazinski...
a waitress at the White
Coffee Pot Restaurant...
was released
from the hospital today...
and talked with Channel News.
Some people think
this is funny...
but I have three broken toes
to show for it.
Did the stomper say anything?
Come on! Come on!
Where's my footage?!
He didn't say nothing.
He just stomped on my foot!
- In other news...
- Shut up! Here it is.
...picketed the home
of Mr. Elmer Fishpaw today.
Mr. Fishpaw is the owner
of the Charles Art Theater...
a local X-rated movie house.
Two-four-six-eight,
X-rated movies we all hate!
One-three-five-nine,
G-rated movies are mighty fine!
The pickets, led by Mrs.
Jeanette Smise of Townsend...
feel he should
change the theater's policy...
by showing only G-rated
family movies.
His theater
caters to sex offenders.
We visited
the Charles Art Theater today...
but were unable
to find a ticket buyer...
willing to be interviewed
on camera.
Sir, would you like to comment
on the movie you've just seen?
Excuse me. Would you like
to comment on the movie?
Excuse me, sir.
Pardon me, sir, would...
Pardon me, sir, would you like
to comment on the movie?
Mr. Fishpaw when contacted
by Channel News...
Here I am!
...responded to the protesters.
I think that my theater
helps stop rape.
Mrs. Fishpaw, however,
refused to talk with reporters.
I've never been so humiliated.
In other news...
a member of the Charles Manson
Family escaped today...
from the California
Institute for Women...
at Frontera, California.
Thas all?!
She was identified as...
They didn't even
give the showtime.
I have never been
so embarrassed.
Yellow journalism,
thas what it is.
Oh, God. Is not fair.
What the hell are you doing?
Saying my prayers, Elmer.
Asking God to forgive you
for showing dirty movies.
I don't believe this.
I got a goddamn nun for a wife.
I'm not in the mood.
Oh, Sandra.
Oh, Sandra!
Easy, San...
Easy, Sandra!
The White Tables Motel?!
Get up, Francine, you big oaf!
I want some breakfast.
What time is it?
Time to get that fat ass
out of bed.
I guess I'll have
to fix my own cereal!
- You pig!
- You're the pig!
Sit up straight.
Why don't you
let that hair grow, boy?
You look like a fruit
with that short hair.
Why don't you drop dead?
You're just asking for it.
How's my baby doing in school?
I learned all about my cervix
in sex education class.
I gotta go.
Me, too.
Good morning, darling.
I don't know why
I slept so late.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See you later.
I got a busy day.
Oh, Elmer!
Francine!
I'm in the little girl's room,
Mother.
Can't you do that later?
I don't have all day, you know.
I'm missing
valuable shopping time.
Mother, please,
I'll be out in a second.
I don't know why you bother.
You've always retained
your fluids.
Hello, Mother.
Good Lord, Francine.
You've put on
another twenty pounds!
Au revoir, Heintz.
Should I go to the Laundromat
now, Madame, or wait for you?
You can go now, Heintz.
I'II... if I need you.
As you wish, Madame.
Is Cuddles.
Good Lord, Francine.
Don't you know is bad luck...
to let retarded people
in your home?
Call me a cab, this instant.
But, Mother,
she's my best friend.
Your best friend?!
She was your cleaning lady,
Francine.
Are you that unpopular...
that you seek out
the social company of your maid?
But she's not a maid anymore,
Mother.
She inherited
a great deal of money...
from a family
she used to work for.
Money or not...
The injustice of it all!
She was a scrub woman!
Give her car fare,
a ham at Easter...
but for Gos sakes,
don't hang around with her!
Are you going to call me a cab,
or do I have to walk?
Yes, Mother.
Good God.
Hi, Francine.
Hi, Cuddles.
You remember my mother, La Rue?
Enchante.
Well, well, well.
Off work so early?
Scrubbed out
any interesting toilets lately?
Mother, please.
Thank God, my cab.
Cuddles,
I'm so glad you're here.
Francine,
I'm in a heavenly mood today.
I just got my second installment
of my inheritance.
Les celebrate.
That calls for a big lunch.
Yummy, yummy, yummy!
This house is just like
"Architectural Digest."
Thank you, Cuddles.
Cuddles,
I've been so depressed lately.
You should get out more.
Bachelor cotillions,
parties, country clubs.
I've been on top
of the world lately...
with my debutante party
coming up.
Cuddles, you're too old
to be a debutante.
Just because you've inherited
a lot of money...
doesn't mean that you're
suddenly socially prominent.
I've already rented the hall,
Francine.
November the th.
It will be a beautiful affair.
Every little detail
will be perfect.
I wish I could be
more like you, Cuddles.
Always optimistic.
I look into my future and all
I see is a long, dark highway...
filled with endless
toll booths and no exits.
I'll be quite blunt with you,
Cuddles.
I think my marriage
is on the rocks.
Hello, Mrs. Fishpaw?
This is Sandra Sullivan,
your husbans secretary.
Elmer asked me
to let you know...
that he won't
be coming home tonight.
He's been called
out of town on business.
I see. Thank you.
She fell for it.
Oh, God,
what she must look like.
Want to see a picture of her?
Oh, God, yes.
This I got to see.
The bitter truth.
Elmer, she's an absolute cow!
Elmer,
I have something to show you.
You know what these are?
Yes, sirree.
Oral contraceptives.
They'll suppress
my ovulations through hormones.
I got something for you, Sandra.
I got condoms.
Red-hot prophylactics.
Black, your favorite color.
Oh, go, honey!
Oh, Elmer, you do that so good.
Come on, honey.
Move for me, baby.
Maybe he really did
go out of town, Francine.
No, he's having an affair
with his secretary...
and I have the proof.
Look what I found in his pocket.
A Mastercharge receipt,
dated yesterday.
From the White Gables Motel!
I'll get it, Francine.
Ello-hay?
Old-hay on-ay.
For you, Francine.
Mrs. Fishpaw?
This is Mr. Kirk...
principal of Overlee
Junior High School.
Hello, Mr. Kirk.
Is Dexter ill today?
Why, no, Mr. Kirk.
Dexter's in school.
I'm afraid he's not,
Mrs. Fishpaw.
Dexter's truancy problem
is way out of hand.
And the Baltimore
County School Board...
have decided to expel Dexter...
from the entire
public school system.
I'm as upset as you
to learn of Dexter's truancy.
But surely expulsion
is not the answer!
I'm afraid expulsion
is the only answer.
It is the opinion
of the entire staff...
that Dexter
is criminally insane...
and a hazard to the safety
of the other students.
We have no choice. I'm sorry.
Good day, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Dexter's been expelled
from school!
- For what?
- For truancy!
Is just those common
Baltimore public schools.
God, I wished
I lived in Connecticut.
The principal said
that he was insane!
He's probably out playing polo
with his friends.
Do you think there is something
wrong with my son?
God!
Help!
Oh, my God! Help!
Is anybody gonna help me?!
If my son
does have emotional problems...
I can only blame Elmer.
Cuddles, go to
the White Gables Motel for me...
call me if you see his car.
You mean like a spy, Francine?
You got yourself a deal!
Ach, my goodness.
Hurry, Heintz.
Emergency, emergency.
Hurry, Heintz.
Don't ask any questions.
Make a fast right.
Circle the block.
Head straight to the White Gable
Motel, and hurry!
Yes, ma'am.
Hurry, Heintz.
Lu-Lu? Lu-Lu, is that you?
Lu-Lu? Oh. Hi, honey.
Oh, Lu-Lu.
Home from school already?
Unfortunately, yes.
Did you have a nice day?
Lu-Lu,
your mother is speaking to you.
Did you have a nice day?
Lu-Lu!
I'm trying to clean in here!
I got my report card today.
Want to see it?
Have you done any better
this time?
Lu-Lu, you have failed
every single subject again!
No, Ma.
They changed the grading system.
"F" is for "Fantastic."
You little liar.
Is a good thing
you're not Pinocchio.
Your nose would be a mile long.
I swear to God
on the Bible is true!
Stop that lying!
I got voted president
of Student Council today.
Liar mouth!
- I'm a cheerleader, too!
- Liar! Liar!
I'll tell you another thing,
Mother.
I quit school today...
and I'm gonna get me a job
as a go-go girl...
down at
the Flaming Cave Lounge.
You'll work at the Flaming Cave
Lounge over my dead body.
You go to your room, and you
stay there until I call you!
I'll work where I wanna work!
You've never worked
a day in your life. Fat cow!
I'm not gonna stay
in this stinking house!
Hi, honey.
Hey, baby. Come here.
Come on. Les get out of here.
I hate this place.
All right.
You're all beat up.
It ain't nothing.
Any sign of him, Heintz?
Not yet, Madame.
You devil, you.
You wait
till I get in that room!
I can't wait, honey.
- I'll be right back.
- You hurry up now.
Heintz,
she's straight from the gutter!
A sporting girl,
I would imagine.
A fille de joie!
It saddens me that you have
to see anything this common.
Poor Francine!
Poor, poor Francine!
In other news, James Wemo...
accused of
the August th bombing...
of the Maryland
Censor Board Office...
has pleaded "not guilty"
in federal court today.
And this just in, folks.
The Baltimore Foot Stomper
has struck again.
Baltimore County Police
report...
the stomper has attacked
a Mrs. Shirley Evans...
just a few minutes ago
at the Crockfield Mall...
and Channel News was there.
I don't want to be
on television!
My foot! Not now!
Mrs. Evans was rushed
to the Mercy Hospital...
Shock Trauma Unit
for emergency treatment.
Many Crockfield Mall
shoppers witnessed the attack.
I seen it, man! I seen
this weird-Iooking dude...
run right out and stomp
on this honky lady's feet!
Police released
this composite sketch today...
in the hopes that someone
would identify the stomper.
If you have any information...
police have asked citizens
to call the Stomper Hot Line.
Just dial "STOMPER."
S-T-O-M-P-E-R.
You'll be ready
for the back seat in a minute.
Trash!
Don't you touch my daughter!
Take your hands off
my boyfriend!
Thas my car!
Come on!
My God!
Hit her, Bo-Bo! Hit her!
Thas what you deserve,
you big, fat galoot!
It was nice beating you,
Mrs. Fishpaw!
Dexter, are you all right?
Dexter, whas wrong?
Dexter, talk to me.
Dexter, is your mother.
Dexter, what is it?
- Whas wrong, honey?
- Mom...
Dexter, what are you doing?
Do you want to see
a psychiatrist?
But I love you...
Dexter!
Oh, honey...
You had better watch yourself,
young lady.
You're going to be
in real trouble!
I guess I should tell you
I'm two months pregnant.
You're what?!
I'm knocked up, and thas that!
Who did this to you?
Bo-Bo! The man I love.
I'll never allow you
to marry him.
Marry him?! Are you kidding?
I'm getting an abortion,
and I can't wait!
I cannot take
another heartbreak.
I just cannot take it!
Do you think I'm made of steel,
Miss Lu-Lu?
He's here, Francine.
At first I thought
he was walking a dog.
Then I realized it was his date.
I'll be right there!
God, Francine, hasn't he
ever heard of the Hilton?
Wait till I get my hands on him.
They went down that way,
but I don't know which room.
I picked up her scent already.
Cheap Midnight in Paris perfume.
I can smell it anywhere!
This is it.
Hold this.
One... two... three...
What the hell?!
Coitus interruptus?
Get out of here, Francine!
Caught you, didn't I?
Right in the act of adultery!
I won't stand for this, Elmer.
I want a divorce!
And a big, fat settlement
to go along with it!
You'll never get a penny
out of me...
you fat hunk of cellulite.
I only support the women I love.
See these rings?
Guess who bought them for me.
If you want,
you can look at my clothes.
They're the finest
of polyester, and...
I didn't pay for them.
Don't worry, Francine.
I hear every word
that this scag says...
and I'll testify in court.
Come on, Sandra. Get dressed.
Les go to some
snazzy cocktail lounge...
and celebrate my new freedom.
But, Elmer, what about Dexter
and little Lu-Lu?
Those two little bastards...
are a perfect argument
for birth control.
Children would get in the way
of our erotic lifestyle.
You piece of trash!
You'll hear from my attorney!
Oh, Francine, don't worry.
You'll get another man.
Don't worry.
Everything will be all right.
Take it easy on that sauce.
Don't drink too much, Francine.
Hi, Ms. Fishpaw.
This'll be $ . .
I didn't order anything.
But this is Wyman Way,
isn't it?
I didn't order anything.
Is just my husband
harassing me.
Please leave me alone!
Wait a minute.
Come on, lady. Open up.
Is getting cold.
Yo, pizza.
Leave me alone!
Having a little
wake-up cocktail?
Your father has been
tormenting me all morning!
Thas no excuse.
You big drunk!
What do you think you're doing?
I need money for a cab.
Have you forgotten today's
the day for my abortion?
Lu-Lu, there's a living thing
inside of you.
Oh, Lu-Lu, have the baby.
We'll raise it together.
We'll get a little bassinet
and some Pampers.
Oh, Lu-Lu,
that baby is part of you.
Is stealing part of me,
you mean!
I can feel it like cancer...
getting bigger and bigger,
like the Blob.
One day, ill rip me open!
And ill be there in my life...
ready to rob me of every bit
of fun I deserve to have!
Look at yourself.
Please!
You better get yourself
to an alcoholics meeting...
before you end up
in the poorhouse!
Whas in the bottle, Mother?
Your beloved booze, Francine.
Want a little scent?
Please,
don't do it to me, Mother.
Want some?
You see what an alcoholic
you are?
You'd even drink gasoline
if it was in a bottle.
You stink like an alcoholic!
Positively disgusting!
Francine Fishpaw
lives at Wyman Way.
She weighs pounds...
and is an alcoholic.
She eats an entire cake
at one sitting.
You should see
her stretch marks.
Because of her drunkenness...
both her children
are delinquents.
She's the hairiest woman...
I've ever laid eyes on.
Whas the matter, ma petite?
Speak English, Cuddles.
Please, speak English.
You want a little drinky,
Franciney?
Oh, God.
Help me up. Please.
You're so cute
when you get tipsy.
Oh, Cuddles,
I am an alcoholic.
You should get out more, then,
honey...
and forget
your silly nilly problems.
You got to get me
to the alcoholics meeting.
I'll take you to your
club meeting, Francine...
but first,
you're going shopping with me.
I simply cannot stand
another day...
undecided about
my debutante gown.
I've got to get
to the alcoholics meet...
Heintz! Heintz!
Hurry, Heintz! Hurry!
Hurry! Come on!
Come on, Heintz!
Oh, Francine.
Hurry!
At your service, Madame.
Mrs. Fishpaw and I...
have decided to view
the new Paris creations, Heintz.
I would like it
if you would help me...
get her into a more
presentable outfit.
Yes, Madame.
Come on, Francine.
We're going shopping.
Mrs. Fishpaw, come on, les go.
This way, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Upstairs.
Les go upstairs,
Mrs. Fishpaw.
Upstairs?
This way. Yes, ma'am.
Look at this dress, Francine.
Isn't it ra-sha-sha?
Is very pretty, Cuddles.
A Halston!
How au courant!
I'm going to try this one on,
too, and I'll be right back!
This place is glamorous!
Hurry. I don't want
to be late for my meeting.
God!
Damn these designers!
Ah, shoes...
Madam, you will simply have to
leave this store immediately...
or I will be forced
to call the security guards.
You're really gauche, madam.
A regular little cochon,
and that means pig.
Come on, Francine.
We should have gone straight
to Peck and Peck after all.
Call the police!
Fellow members, we have
someone new with us tonight.
Her name is Francine Fishpaw...
and she's an alcoholic.
Francine, come up here
and witness for us.
- Step up there, now!
- Come on!
Come on! Get up there!
I really don't know what to say.
Say it! Say it! Say it!
Well, my name
is Francine Fishpaw...
And? And? And?
And I am an alcoholic!
Miss Mallon,
we're all ready for you.
Now, don't be afraid.
This'll be all over
before you know it.
I guess I made
the right decision.
Don't have this abortion!
How does it feel
to be a murderer?
Killer! Murderer!
Babies wanna live, too,
you know!
Suppose Einstein's mother
had an abortion!
Or John F. Kennedy's, huh?
What if Mary and Joseph
had had an abortion?
Pro life! Pro life! Pro life!
Thas from Jesus!
Thas what he would do,
you murderer!
Thank you, Heintz.
You're going to hurt yourself!
Stop spying on me!
Leave me alone!
Lu-Lu, stop it.
I need the number of the Home
of the Shephers Flock.
Lu-Lu, stop it.
Thank you.
Lu-Lu, stop!
Home of the Shephers Flock.
Yes, this is Francine Fishpaw
of Wyman Way.
I need an unwed mothers home.
My pregnant daughter is trying
to induce a miscarriage!
We'll be right there!
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women...
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus...
She's in the living room.
Thank God you're here.
Is all right, Lu-Lu.
Ill be OK.
Get in there.
You can't do this!
My back!
Girls!
Instead of rosary tonight...
we have a special treat
planned for you.
- We're all going on a hayride.
- A hayride?
Bring proper clothing...
and proceed
to the wagons immediately!
Go!
It hurts! It hurts!
Somebody help me!
Stop this faking!
Prostitutes and devils' witches
lose their babies.
Pray with us, girls!
Open up, Mrs. Fishpaw!
We have a search warrant!
Knock it down.
Les go.
Check everywhere.
I know the evidence is around.
There's gotta be
some kind of shoes here.
This whole family is sick, man.
Rip it off.
Les take a look.
Mrs. Fishpaw,
I have a search warrant...
signed by Judge Solomon Wise
to search this entire house.
For what?
Dexter's been arrested for being
the Baltimore Foot Stomper.
Come on, Jack.
Les search the house.
- Looky here!
- Look at this.
Is sick! Sick!
Can you believe this?
He is the foot stomper!
- We got it.
- I knew it.
- This stuff will hold up.
- Take it downtown.
What is your name, sir?
Are you related
to Dexter Fishpaw?
Are you a member
of the Fishpaw family?
Are you aware
that Dexter's been arrested?
Anybody home?
Oh, God!
Why hast Thou forsaken me?
Come on.
We're going on a picnic.
Come on. Come on!
Come on, Francine.
Oh, Cuddles,
Elmer sent the fire trucks!
Bravo! Bravo!
Good work! All right!
Nice going! Nice going!
Bravo! Bravo!
There she is!
You terrible person!
Gosh, Francine.
Maybe we'll get on TV tonight.
Want some hooch, Francine?
Oh, thank you, Cuddles.
God, Francine.
You're the most drinking-est gal
I've ever seen.
Maybe I should
get out of Baltimore.
God, Francine,
there must be a God.
Everything is so beautiful!
You gotta have some faith,
Francine.
Everything will be all right.
This is nice.
Come on. Help me
with the tablecloth, will you?
Come on. Les sit down.
Look, Francine.
Tab for our diet.
Ain't that great?
Look, cups...
and... Ooh! Sandwiches!
Francine, happiness
is a picnic in the woods.
God, look around you, Francine.
Look at the nature.
Look, Francine, is beautiful.
Oh, Francine,
I got ants in my pants!
I smell something.
- I smell something.
- A skunk, Francine!
What is it? What?
- A skunk.
- A skunk!
Well, isn't that something?
The divorce
has finally come through!
Two thousand a month
and the house!
Time for us to move in
on that pot of gold!
Someone's at the door.
I'll call you when I get home.
Trick or treat!
I'm sorry,
but I don't live here...
and no one else is at home.
What, no candy?
I'm sorry,
but I forgot it was Halloween.
You know what no candy means,
don't you?
Halloween just slipped my mind
this year.
That means trick!
Stop it! Leave that alone!
Lady, when we say,
"Trick or treat," we mean it!
Kill her.
Next time,
you won't be so selfish...
and ignore little children
on holidays!
Maybe we have an apple
or something.
Too late now, Grandma.
No candy means death!
Les destroy this place!
See you later!
Oh, God! Bo-Bo!
- Good night, Francine.
- Good night, Cuddles.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Don't forget
to wash your clothes.
Have a peaceful night,
Mrs. Fishpaw.
Good night, Heintz.
Is all your fault!
No, God, please. Not my baby.
Oh, God, not my little girl.
Hi, Mom!
Dexter! Honey! You're home!
Oh, honey, let me look at you.
I'm sorry
for the grief I caused you...
but I'm rehabilitated now.
I had a wonderful
drug counselor in prison...
and I received
psychiatric treatment.
Mom, I am an artist now.
Oh, honey. It is beautiful.
We'll hang it
right in the living room.
We can put this one
in the kitchen.
I'm saving this one for my room.
Would you like
some milk and cookies, Dexter?
Oh, I'd love some, Mom.
Come on, honey.
I bet that food in prison
was just terrible!
I sure missed
your home cooking, Mom.
Oh, honey.
There's no place like home,
honey.
Everything looks just the same.
Is so good to have you back.
Mom, are you still drinking?
Dexter, I'm afraid
your ma's an alcoholic.
Oh, Mom, you could stop.
I got off the angel dust.
I wanna stop.
Just pour it
down the drain, Mom.
I want to.
I want us to be happy again,
like we used to be...
before your father abandoned us.
I love you, Mom!
Go ahead. You can stop.
- Oh, Dexter.
- You don't need it anymore.
You'll be much happier.
Oh, honey, today
is going to be a new beginning.
We're going to be
a real family again.
- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, Dexter.
Welcome home, Dexter.
Hello, Lu-Lu. Will you
give your brother a kiss?
Forgive me for being so awful,
but I've changed.
Bo-Bo's dead,
and I've had a miscarriage.
- Thas awful.
- But I've discovered macrame!
Is helped me find myself.
I'm gentler now
and more creative.
I'm an artist now, too, Lu-Lu.
I'm off drugs and ready for
a new beginning here at home.
Oh, you see, children?
Is not hard to be normal.
Oh, thank you, God.
Thank you
for answering my prayers!
We're a real family again.
A normal American family.
Hello, Mother.
Feeling any better today?
How can I feel better with
a drunken miser as a daughter?
Shut up, Mother!
For forty-four years, I've tried
to be a good daughter to you...
and all I've gotten in return
is abuse.
I've given you money...
thousands and thousands
of dollars...
and still is not enough!
Well, I've had it.
You can rot in that wheelchair
for all I care!
The pain, the pain! My heart!
She's giving me a heart attack!
Oh, God, help! Help!
Pull over here.
Stop the cab.
- Here?
- Yes, yes. Right here.
I'll stay here.
Here. Keep the change.
Hey, come here.
Really horrible, isn't it?
Oh, those poor people.
Did you see it happen?
Yes, I saw it happen.
I was following that van...
and that other thing
cut right in front.
- Wham! Hit it head on.
- Excuse me.
It was really horrible.
It is. Is just too horrible.
I can't look.
Hey, you know...
why don't we take a ride
in the country...
and get away from all this mess?
I mean, is a beautiful day,
and I find you quite attractive.
But I don't even know your name.
- Is Todd, honey.
- Todd?
Todd Tomorrow.
Hi. I'm Francine Fishpaw.
Is a beautiful name.
Fits you well.
I got something
I want to show you.
Is long...
and is sleek...
and is powerful.
Ooh, what is it, Todd?
Is my new 'vette!
Hop in, honey.
We're off!
If I break a nail...
you're really never gonna
hear the end of this one!
I'm gettin' sick and tired
of all your complaining.
All you do
is complain, complain, complain.
You'd complain, too, if you had
a boyfriend who was like you.
Why don't you get a decent car?
- Get the thing closer...
- I'm working on it!
- You expect me to do it all?
- Get back to work, Elmer!
Get going. Get going. Hurry up!
Why don't you go back
to Francine?
We ought to go catch 'em.
He's got some good taste
in cars, anyway.
My, what a nice place.
Oh, is such a mess.
I'm so embarrassed
for you to see it like this.
Would you like to meet
the children?
- I can hardly wait.
- Oh, OK. Follow me.
Stunning.
Hi, Mom.
Lu-Lu, I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine...
Mr. Todd Tomorrow.
Todd, this is my daughter Lu-Lu.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi, darlin'.
- Les go meet my little Dexter.
Well... I don't know.
Oh, come in. Hi, Mother.
Hi, honey.
This is my little Dexter.
He's a creative artist.
Dexter, this is my friend
Mr. Todd Tomorrow.
- Put it there, young feller.
- How you doing?
Hey, I seen you before.
I seen you before on TV.
I seen him on the news.
Dexter was just released
from prison.
Oh, well, thas nice.
Congratulations!
- Oh, thank you.
- And thas nice, too.
Thas a real masterpiece.
- Yeah. Do you like it?
- You bet.
You keep up that good work,
you hear?
I will, Todd.
Why don't you show me
your bedroom, honey?
- Mother, may I?
- Yes, you may.
Oh, Todd, I've had a bad year.
Please don't be too harsh
in your judgments.
Well, is exquisite.
Look at me.
Read my lips.
I love you.
I'm sorry I'm so nervous.
Is just that my husbans
been harassing me every day.
I can't help it. I'm afraid
he's going to kill me!
I crave liquor
right this minute.
Easy does it, baby.
One day at a time.
I ache. I ache all over.
Let me kiss away your D.T. s,
honey.
I love you, Francine.
I love your little ankles
and your little wrists.
Your little breasts,
your little belly.
Oh, Todd. Dare I say it?
I love you, too, my darling.
Then les make love,
you sweet little thing.
Oh, Todd, be gentle with me.
Please, be gentle.
Time to wake up, honey.
Did you sleep all right,
my darling?
It was bliss.
Are you my little fleshpot?
Will you marry me?
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do.
I want you to be my wife.
Oh, Todd.
Of course I'll marry you...
but can you afford to take us on
as a family?
Hell, yes, I can. I own
the Edmondson Drive-in Cinema.
You do?
Visit our concession stand.
We feature beluga caviar...
succulent oysters,
and champagne.
Take a tempting taste treat...
and ponder the intellectual
meaning of cinema.
Well, what do you think,
sweetheart?
Oh, is very highbrow, Todd.
Yep. We only show
first-run art films here.
You wait here a sec
while I check them receipts.
OK, but hurry. I don't want
to be late for Cuddles' party.
- Hey, whas happenin', Todd?
- Hi, darling.
- Right there.
- How you doin', my man?
- Not bad.
- Here you go.
- Nose candy.
- Yeah, sweets for the sweet.
Dynamite!
- Free basing!
- Les do it, Todd, baby.
- Go get her, honey!
- Right after I blast off.
I got a date with an angel.
Thank you, thank you.
And now the moment
we've all been waiting for...
that lovely lady herself...
Miss Cuddles.
I have something for you,
my dear.
What is it, Heintz?
Oh, Heintz, is beautiful.
Cuddles, will you marry me?
Please?
I'll marry you, Heintz.
Thank you, Cuddles.
I coulve danced all night.
Oh, God!
Les keep love in the family,
honey.
No! Not my mother!
Let go of me!
You monster! You monster!
You've been a good old wagon,
Francine...
but you done broke down.
Here's a present for you,
daughter dear.
Something for your nose.
This will make you feel
all better.
Whas going on?
Whas that?
Leave me alone!
Killer!
He's dead!
What the hell is goin' on here?
I never wanted to use macrame
to kill.
Why, is Elmer!
Her lousy cheap husband.
He was tryin' to kill Francine.
Nonsense, La Rue.
What the hell you talkin' about?
Francine done it.
She's the one who killed him.
What are you doing to Mother?
Shut up, you little slut.
She's gone insane,
and we're putting her...
in a mental hospital
where she belongs.
I'm gonna
take care of them little creeps.
Hey, Flashlight!
Get on over here!
OK, Todd baby!
Hey, man, the chickens ready?
Take that little whore...
down to the massage parlor
where she belongs.
And as for you, bunghole...
you got an appointment
at the House of Torture...
with some very dirty old men.
All right, chickens, move it!
You!
Does this mean
the wedding's over, honey?
I do think she's havin'
a little nervous breakdown.
I better call
the mental hospital.
- Shut up.
- Right.
Stop that!
Happy Hills?
This is Wyman Way.
Yeah, you'd better send some
attendants over here right away.
We got this thing,
this big thing...
this woman's had a breakdown.
Yeah, she's committed
a double homicide...
on her husband
and his girlfriend.
Yeah, right! Thank you.
Thank God I'm rid of her.
She'll be locked up for life.
I'll drain her bank account
and sell the house.
And I can get $ for each
one of them little creeps...
and if I sell that drive-in,
we'll be rich.
Les move to Miami.
Finally, I can get my face-lift.
I want a Cadillac, too...
a big purple Cadillac...
so I can ride around
and laugh at poor people.
I'm gonna get me one of them
solid gold leisure suits...
and I can just strut around
at Fontaine Bleu.
Whoo-hoo! We're gonna be happy
in Miami, La Rue.
- Happy!
- Rich and happy, Todd!
Free, white, rich, and happy!
Hot damn!
Help me! Help me!
Come on, come on!
Help! Oh, God, please!
- Somebody help me!
- Francine, shut up!
I feel so wonderful.
Heintz, look out!
Ach, du lieber!
Holy Jesus!
See you chickens later.
Oh, my baby!
Is all right.
They were gonna kill us!
Ill all be all right,
Francine.
Is going to be all right.
I was nervous.
Everything will be all right.
Nothing's right,
nothing's right.
Is going to be all right.
No, is not.
Oh, smell.
Oh, everything
smells so much better now.