Poolhall Junkies Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Poolhall Junkies script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mars Callahan movie with Christopher Walken, Chazz Palminteri, Rod Steiger, etc..  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Poolhall Junkies. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Poolhall Junkies Script



The pool hall is a great equalizer.



In the pool hall, nobody cares about

how old or young you are...



what color your skin is,

or how much money you got in your pocket.



It's about how you move.



I remember this kid once...



who could move on a pool table

like nobody had ever seen.



I mean, hour after hour, rack after rack,

his shots just went in.



The cue was part of his arm,

and the balls had eyes.



And the thing that made him so good...



was he thought he could never miss.



I know...



'cause that kid was me.



What they're doing

is forming this new league...



kind of like what they have

for golf and tennis...



but for pool.



They scouted all the best players

in the country...



for    spots on this new pro tour.



Then they made their selections.



Last summer, I was in Memphis

playing Bucktooth for that Chevy.



The tournament director himself

was in the room watching me play.



A guy by the name of Toupee Jay.



Anyway, after playing Bucktooth...



this guy Jay comes up to me...



and he says even though

all    spots in the tour are filled...



after watching me play, they'd have to make

an exception in my case to carry   .



Can you believe that? They want me.



He even told Joe

he'd send the invitation himself.



Man, when I was out there playing...



we had no professionals.

All we had was hustlers.



I don't wanna be a hustler, Rags.



I want to be a professional,

and I'm gonna be.



I'm just waiting for my invitation.



What's going on here?



-We were just--

-We were just what?



You know who this is?

This is Rags, and he's a hustler.



Probably one of the best.

What'd you do? Make him win the first set?



-He's up $  .

-He's $   up. Right, $   up.



Then you'd be $   up, then $   

then you'd be broke.



Come on, Joe, let me play.

I can beat this guy.



Maybe you can and maybe you can't.



But we don't deal with maybes, do we?



You don't know all the angles yet,

but I do, all right?



He's bad news.

Even if you win, you can't win.



What do you mean, even if I win,

I can't win? I don't understand.



You don't have to understand.

Just listen to me.



If the kid wants to play...



why don't you let him play?

He may learn something.



The only thing he'll learn from you

is how to lose.



I'm trying to do something here.

I'm trying to educate this kid, all right?



So if you got something to say, say it to me.



Otherwise shut the fuck up,

because he's my kid, all right?



He's my fucking kid.



And I'm gonna make him a champion.

So you stay away from him.



-Mail came today, Joe.

-Thanks, Don.



-White boy's got skills.

-No, he can't.






Now let me get this straight.



You're saying that

because you and me are friends...



that makes us niggers?



No, "niggas," all right?

There's a big difference.



That's what I just said. "Nigger."



-No. "Nigga."




"Nigga," N-l-G-G-A.



-What the fuck is that?

-Man and me, like, we're brothers.



You know, like if I say, "You my nigga,"

that means we're boys.



Like that man you're playing, right there?

That's my nigga Charles.



My nigger Charles, right?



Hold it. See, you can't say that.



-Only I can.




Because, first of all, you don't say it right.



And second, you don't know Charles. I do.



-You do?

-I do.



I've known Charles

since he was knee-high to a duck.



See, me and Charles, nigga, we down.



-You're down?

-Yeah, down.



Of course you're down. You're down

about $    . Give me my fucking money.



You know what?



It is absolutely impossible

to have an intelligent conversation...



with your white ass.



Shoot pool, honky.



This is our night, Johnny.



This is our night. I can feel it.



I mean, you've got them animals in there

eating out of the palm of your hand.



You beat them, you take their money,

you call them names to their faces...



and they love you.



I don't know how you do it.



I never saw anything like it.



Beating a man out of his money, that's easy.

Anybody can do that.



But beating a man out of his money

and making him like it...



that's an art.



That's an art of a true hustler.



But it's getting late...



and I don't wanna be here

all fucking night, okay?



There's enough drug money in there...



that we're gonna need

a fucking wheelbarrow to carry it out.



So stop messing around.



I mean, you got a game

those people never seen.



And quite frankly,

I'd like to see it sometime myself tonight.



You're gonna go in there,

you're gonna bump up the bet...



and you're gonna

close this fucking night out.



So stop wasting my fucking time.



Just do it.



A bottle of Jack.



I'll be a three-legged dog

if I'm not looking at the Side Pocket Kid.



You don't remember me...



but I saw you play once

about    or    years ago.



I used to wear a rug.



Toupee Jay.



Yeah, that's me.



I saw this kid play one of the best games

I've ever seen in my life.



Couldn't have been more than

   or    years old...



but, man, he could shoot the lights out!



Now look at him. He's all grown up.



You know, I always wondered

what happened to you.



Why you never made it down

to Johnson City.



Well, Jay, I've never been

much of a tournament player.



-There's no money in them.

-No money?



We just held the U.S. Open in Atlanta.

First prize was $      .



But you gotta be invited to those things,

don't you?



We did invite you. A couple of times.

I sent the invitations out myself.



I even called and spoke to a backer

you had in those days.



But he said you weren't interested.

Something about...



your parents wanting you to finish school.



What was the name

of that backer you had, anyway?



Was it Joe?



Bet $     !



What's the matter? Did I stutter?



Everybody got all quiet, and shit?



About a minute ago,

it was like an evening at the Apollo.



Now, all of a sudden, it's quiet as a church.



That's all right, Chico, I don't blame you.



I've been beating this motherfucker

all goddamn night. He can't win.



You better watch your mouth.



You watch my mouth, Chico...



'cause you sure as hell

don't want to watch me play pool.



Unless I'm blindfolded, handcuffed,

with a cue sticking out of my ass.



Maybe you'd bet the $      then, right?



That's what I thought.



Come on, Joe, let's get the fuck out of here.



These guys wouldn't bet $  they were black.



Hold this.



You got a bet.



But for $      you got to play

my man Brad in the corner, over there.



What are you doing?

I only got $     on me.



Don't play that guy. He's a pro.

I saw him at the pro tournament in Phoenix.



Don't you ever tell me who I play again.



I'll play anybody in the house,

you know that, Chico.



Do you wanna play this bad motherfucker

on my money?



I don't think so.



Seems you got

too much personal shit going on.



You know what? Fuck you, Johnny.

Charles, get the rack.



I'll play him myself.



-What the fuck are you doing?

-He's got $     on him, but it's not enough.



What the fuck is going on?



You should have looked out for me.

I was just a kid.



I'll fucking kill you, you motherfucker!



Shut the fuck up!



Do you honestly think that I would let

a white boy walk into my pool hall...



and talk that much shit

unless he was trying to tell me something?



You missed the fucking signs.



You didn't listen.



Me and Johnny, we's niggas.



-I'm out of here.




What's this I hear

about you not having my money?



Get the fuck off me!



When I was    I walked into a pool room...



picked up a cue,

and I just knew how to play.



I guess, for some people,

it's baseball or music.



For me, it was pool.



But I never wanted to be a hustler.

I wanted to be the best.



But after    years with Joe...



the only thing I ever got to be

was the best hustler.



I guess, in life, things don't always work out

the way you want them to.



You wanted to see me?



I'd have to say you're the worst carpenter

I ever worked with in my entire life.



How did you get this job?



Jack Radosta hired me on.



I guess he thought

he owed me a couple of favors.



Jack's a good man.

Bad gambler, but he's a good man.



I know I'm no good at any of this stuff.



But Jack's been showing me some things.

If I work harder...



-and I try as hard as I can--

-Relax, you're not getting fired.



As a matter of fact,

I've decided to move you up...



and make you head of supplies.



That's a promotion, son.



-More money, nice bonuses.




I figure, out of all the men here,

you're probably most qualified for that job.



Why do you say that?



You're the pool hustler, ain't you?



If I need a few truckloads of steel

to disappear off this site...



I know I can count on you

to make it happen, right?



You get taken care of, I get taken care of,

and everybody's happy.



And the heaviest thing

you ever have to lift around here...



is a clipboard.






I'm sorry, Bill.

I think you got the wrong guy.




-Tell Jack I said thanks, okay?



You don't do as I say...



then you and Jack will both

be looking for work somewhere else.



Then you can tell Jack I said we're even.



Johnny, you got a phone call.



Hey, Nick. What's up?






Yeah, I want a game.



What I'm saying is that I bet you $   

I can drink both these pints of beer...



-before you drink those shots of Jack.

-Sounds good to me.



That is absolutely impossible.



-Then put up your money.

-No problem.



-Brett, can you spot me?

-Again? You already owe me $   .



I'll pay tomorrow.



No cheating. I know how you guys are.



You can't knock one of my glasses

off the table...



and tell me to lap it up to win my bet.



-Who the fuck do you think we are?

-I know, I just....



To be fair, you must at least

let me finish my first beer...



before you fire down both your shots.



And we can't touch the other's glasses.




-You're on.




-Sounds good to me.



Absolutely. Good luck.



$   $   $  .... $  .

How much more do I need?



If Tang wins his game,

that should be just enough.



Since when was he satisfied

with just enough?



Tang's right.

Plus I'll need more money for fliers.



You can play Moose a quick game.

He's good for $   .



-Say, Moose!

-Don't mess with me.



I was watching TV with your wife today.



Stupid bitch.

Took her two hours to watch    Minutes.



Look, I'm sorry. I made him.... Oh, my God!



-Say, "      go."

-      go.



-That hand's quicker.

-What difference does--



-Use your left hand--

-Shut up.



You can't touch my glasses

and I can't touch yours.



It's incredible what's going on.



How about that?



That's it, Danny, get your money up.



Race to   for $   

and I wanna see the money this time!



No more playing for owesies.



Good Lord, Moose!

Will you calm down, get a throat lozenge?



Let me get my cue, will you? Hey, Nick!



Hand me my cue, will you?



-ls that legal?

-Of course it's not legal.



I'll get your money.



-What's he doing here?

-Never mind your brother.



He's playing Moose, for Christ's sake.

Concentrate on your own game.



-You've told me that since I was   .

-I can't help it. This guy's tough.



He's a pro.



You didn't say anything about that.



This guy's a pro? What's his name?



I don't know. He's a new guy on the circuit,

for Christ's sake.



-I don't know. I haven't played in a while.

-lf you're short on the money, I'll back you.



-lt's not about the money--

-I know it is not about the money...



but you can't go on playing bums

all your life.



Sooner or later, if you're any kind of man,

you got to step up...



step out, and see what the fuck you got.



All right, somebody hand me a cue.



-You wanna play some?

-Maybe something cheap. I'm just learning.



-$     sound about right?




-Did you see that last shot?




-You see the look on that fucker's face?

-Fucking dog.



We gotta go to Mel's.



Waitress there has the sickest tits

I've ever seen.



-Jesus Christ, when did this happen?

-Weather's been crazy lately.



How often have I said,

"Stay out of the pool room"?



-A thousand?

-Exactly. So how come you don't listen?



It makes no sense. Every day

you say, "Stay out of the pool room."



But I come and win $    or $   .

It's easy money.




-Coming to Mel's?



You guys are retarded. I'm not going.



-Let's go.

-Seriously, don't smoke.



If I catch you with him smoking,

I'll take your bar mitzvah money.



-Thanks, Mom.

-He wouldn't do that, would he?



All right, Mom, get in the fucking car.



Did you guys know

that the average penis size is  .  inches...



and that the average vaginal canal

is  .  inches?



Therefore, in this country alone...



there's over       miles...



of unused virgin pussy out there.



-Come on.

-What the fuck is the matter with you?



-This shit is true.

-Did you do the math on that?



-I did.

-You have too much free time.



Where do you get this shit?



-lt's common knowledge.

-Hey, Danny.



-You still playing The Goat, Friday night?

-Yes, you girls are coming, right?



The guy who signed Stevie Ray Vaughan

is coming down to see my ass.



Sorry, I gotta work Friday night,

and it's Lanie's last night of training.



What is this, the Olympics?



Come on, take the night off.

I'll train her myself.



This is the universal sign for "check."



I need this.



If Sinatra made it big by paying off girls

to scream and faint when he sang...



I got to have a couple of hot girls

throwing their panties on stage at my gig.



-We'll see.

-I love you. Mean it.



-Are you kidding me?

-Man, that chick has got body karate.



Do you think her tits are real?

I hate chicks with fake tits.



Are you kidding me? Fake tits are

the greatest invention of the   th century.



-Plus they're safer.




Do you know that    percent

of chicks that have fake tits...



who are involved in boating accidents

do not drown?



-Where do you get this shit?

-lt's common knowledge.



Get the fuck out of here.



Now, slowly, give me your gun

and all the money in your briefcase, nigga.



You messed

with the wrong guy, motherfucker.



Payback's a bitch, ain't it?



My girlfriend, Tara, was a law school

student from the good side of the tracks.



Her parents had her living in this

fancy apartment for the last four years.



She didn't like me playing pool much.



And I didn't like me much when I didn't.



Now that I've picked up the cue again,

I just hope she understands.



Hi, baby.



I'm sorry that I didn't call. I was....



Fuck! Jesus fucking crap!



Did you forget something?



It's your boss's party tonight,

and I'm supposed to wear a suit, right?



It was my birthday last night, Johnny.



-lt was?

-God damn you.



Why didn't you

say something about it last night?



What's this?



You're playing again, aren't you?



So that's what's more important

than me last night, the fucking game?



Aren't we through with all that?

What about your job with Jack?



What about my job with Jack?

It didn't work out.






Do I look like a construction worker to you?



Give me an Indian and a cop,

I'll sing you YMCA. Is that what you want?



You think I like living with you,

like a kept man?



Breaking my back for peanuts

while you pay the check?



I play pool, Tara. That's what I do.



You know I beat a pro last night?



First time I picked up a cue in forever.

I sent him to the ATM three times.



I've always done what other people

want me to do. You, Joe, everybody.



-Now I'm gonna do what I wanna do.

-ls that why you play? Is it for the money?



You know me better than that.



I'm not sure how well I know you.



But you'll start to get to know

my foot in your ass...



if you think that

you're gonna forget my birthday...



and make me feel sorry for you

in the morning.



I just turned   

and I will be damned if I'm gonna let you....



Oh, my God.



You rat bastard!



Mikey V, go get my stuff.

You hock that thing again?



I just needed a little cash

for last night's game.



-You pawn motorcycles?

-I pawn anything, you know that.



That's your guitar. You shouldn't pawn that.



He's got your pool cue.

You're not supposed to pawn that.



That's different.



-Why is that different?

-Because it is.



If you need something, come to me.

Don't hock that thing again.



That's not very practical.

You're never around.



I'll be around.



I'm playing at The Goat, Friday.

Think you can come?



Why you gotta say it like such an asshole?

Just ask me nicely, and I'll be there.



-What time?

- :  .



-I'll be there at  :   all right?

-We'll see.



Looks like you're getting pretty good

at that thing.



I'm getting pretty good at a lot of things.



Watch yourself,

I'll be coming after you soon.



I'll be sure to keep my eyes open.



I made a score last night,

so just take some--



What're you doing?

Are you gonna embarrass me in front of V?



You're my brother, not my mother.

You start looking after yourself.



You're in here, too.



That's me. That's not supposed to be you,

all right?



I leave town for five minutes, and this guy

thinks he's a hotshot pool shark.



Yeah, well, I am.



-You're not.

-I am.



You should not be having

your hands like that.



Why should I not have my hands up?



Because someone could just,

I don't know....



My goodness, is that horrible?



You know something?



You really wanna see pool,

come to the state line with me.



Check out the pros.



Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...



and welcome to the Olhausen Invitational...



$         -ball shootout.



I see a lot of familiar faces here tonight.



May your hands be steady,

and your aim be true.



Good luck.



Look at this.



See that guy in the beard?



That's Robert Tobin.

Best bank shot in the game.



Big guy over there with bushy eyebrows.



That's Bruce Kaner, the champ from Russia.



But the guy they always chase every year

for the title is that guy.



-Bobby LeBlanc.

-The best in the game.



Look at him, watch the way he breaks.






Three balls on the break.

Six-ball run, and he's out.



Is that what makes him so good?



With that break,

he only plays six while others play nine.



There's a lot more to his game

than his break.



Watch the way he strokes the ball.



Smooth, never out of line.



When God invented pool players,

He made that guy right there.



Hey, Johnny, is that you?



St. Louis Louie, how you doing?

It's good to see you.



You, too. What're you doing here?

I didn't see your name on the roster.



I'm not playing.



I'm just showing my brother

a real game of pool.



-He's never seen you play before?

-Like I said, a real game.



Don't let him fool you. Your brother

can move the rock with the best.



I don't know about that.



I'm gonna go up and say hello to the boys.

Y'all wanna come with me?



Sure. Let's go.



What's he mean by "the rock"?



That's the cue ball. Come on.



All right, fellas. Clear the way.

I'm coming through!



Sorry, Louis, there's no food in here.

Buffet's around the corner.



What're you laughing at, Shorty?



When you go to bed at night, how do you

keep your head from sliding off the pillow?



I want you to meet an old friend of mine.



This is Johnny Doyle,

his big brother, Danny.



Charlie Banks over here, Boston Shorty...



and the legendary Jersey Red.



Jersey Red? I've heard about you for years.



-What have you heard?

-Red's got more stories than the Bible.



I once heard you ran a rack of balls

with a nine iron.



It was a putter, son.

Took the sorry son of a bitch for $     .



-What was your last name?




Used to be known as "The Side Pocket Kid."



I heard of you.

You're the kid who took Bucktooth's Chevy.



You remember that?



Remember it? That was my car.

Bucktooth stole it from me.



It's not funny. We were on the road together.



I pull off to take a piss.



He drives off, leaves me standing there

with my dick in my hand.



I loved that car. I was glad he lost it to you.

Let me buy you a drink.



-You want one, Louie?

-Not really.



I got a game, shortly, and I gotta stay sharp.



-Who's it with?

-Greeks. You all want in?



Greeks? Shit, yeah, count me in.



Malaka, you're professional.



Last time you play, you beat me $     .



I shoot ball three times whole game.



Yeah, but I had my eight hours of sleep.



-You know I don't play good when I'm tired.

-What about your friend?



We play partner. $     a man.



Who, him? I don't even know him.

He don't wanna play pool, anyway.



Ask him.



Hey, kid, you wanna play some pool?



Sure, I'll play.



I'll see if he's got any money.



You are so beautiful, man.



You've got 'em so turned around,

they don't know what to think.



Red, let me borrow your cue for a second.






Johnny, I thought you knew

what we were trying to do here.



I'm trying to set him up for Red.



I thought you knew the move.



No hard feelings, all right?



Of course not.



Go ahead, go do your thing.



What's this?



He doesn't have any money,

but just to show you how fair I am...



I'll take the old shaky man as my partner.



Fine, you take old man. Let's go.



Get balls!



I got your balls right here,

you Greek bastard.



You don't wanna play this guy, anyway.



He may be a jackass,

but he plays pretty good.



Here, hold my coat, will you? Thanks.



Here, stick around.

Play some cards or something, all right?



Take a cab home. I'm gonna get out of here.



-I wanna go with you, man.

-Just do as I say, all right?



I made a Freudian slip yesterday.



I meant to ask my wife to pass the butter...



but instead I said,

"You bitch! You've ruined my life!"



-That's lovely. Excuse us.

-My pleasure.



-You're late.

-You look fantastic.



You're still late. What took you so long?



You didn't tell me

the guy lived in Sherwood Forest.



It took me an hour to find the place.



I had to leave a trail of breadcrumbs

along the way, to find my way back.



You don't look so bad yourself.



-I can't believe I got you in a suit.

-Me, neither.



It's going back tomorrow.



I know how you hate these things.

Thank you for coming.



No problem.



Here comes the wicked witch of the world.



-Brace yourself.

-Be nice.



There you are. I want you

to meet some friends of mine.



Tara, this is Bernice and Laurence Winthrop.



Richard Illich, and this is Brian Schwartz.

Everyone, this is Tara.



And John. Hi, John.



I'm surprised to see you here,

what with your busy schedule and all.



-I can't believe you actually made it.

-I did, Beth, all right? So relax.



No, really.

What has been keeping you so busy?



I know you're always fashionably late...



but I would just love to know

what kept us all waiting for you today.



I've been here for about an hour already.



I just was outside,

helping the valets kick-start your broom.



They had trouble finding your keys.

I think that was the problem.



Beth, may I speak to you for a moment?



John, I must say my curiosity is piqued.



What kind of business are you in?



-I kind of move money around.

-Money management. Hard currency?




-lt's a risky business.



What's your loss ratio?



Larry, I don't lose money that often.



Really? What's your technique?



Let's just say I kind of

take it out of other people's pockets...



and put it in my pocket,

you know what I'm saying?



Okay, excuse me.



Excuse me, handsome. You got anything

in this joint besides champagne?



I didn't think so.



Lawyers' party, big deal. Can't get a beer.



I'm going outside. Get some smog.



What do you call a thousand lawyers...



buried up to their neck in sand?




-Not enough sand.



-Hi, Mike Flynn.

-John Doyle.



I saw you come in.



-Good hair.

-You, too.



Are we related?



Only kidding.



I retired last month...



so my friends drag me to these things.

They try to keep me busy.



What do you do?



I don't know.

You could say I'm self-employed.



That's good. It's wise.



When I was a kid, I figured out right away...



most companies pay people enough,

so as they don't quit.



People work hard enough,

so as they don't get fired.



You know, what's that?



Bullshit is what that is.



You play pool, Mike?



A little. Why do you ask?



Because you got a crease on your pants.



I'm not sure I wanna be hanging out with

a guy who noticed a crease in my pants.



I didn't say "a crease in your pants."



I said "a crease on your pants."

It's horizontal, below the pocket.



Normally, I might think

that would come from bad dry-cleaning.



But a guy like you

doesn't get bad dry-cleaning, do you?



Comes from playing pool.



When you lean against the table

to take a shot...



table makes a slight crease in your pants.

Yours happens to be accentuated...



by a little bit of blue chalk,

something only found on a pool table.



You're right. I've been playing pool.



Losing my ass all night

on that stupid table they got upstairs.



You say they got a table upstairs?



Come here.



That's how we do it.



It's no fair playing a guy on his own table.



One more setup, Jack.

It's my party. You'll owe me.



That's it for me.



-Tapped out?

-Phil over here is a ringer.



Mike, you back for some more?



I'm just getting started.



Phil, that's a friend of mine, John Doyle.



Phil Stein. It's his house.



John, nice to see you. You shoot pool?



I play a little.



We've been playing a little. Doubles,  -ball.



But everybody here seems to be tapped out.



-You and Mike wanna take him on?




Why not double the stakes?



Are you sure you could afford it?

You're down quite a bit right now.



I'd be careful if I were you.



I don't have a lot of money on me tonight.



It's okay, I'll cover us both.



Let's play, like children.



This one's for all the marbles, boys.



Maybe, if I just....



I guess even a blind squirrel can find a nut

every once in a while.



What are you trying to say, Phil?



I'm not trying to say anything.



I'm just saying that shot was luck.



You couldn't do that again

in a million years.



I don't have to make it again

in a million years. I made it just now.



I'm saying it was luck.



Nobody can make that shot. It's impossible.



I can.



What's that?



Set 'em up, I'll make it.



I'll even make it one-handed.



Did I stutter?



Everybody got all quiet, and shit.



About a minute ago, it was like an Elk's

Lodge meeting up in this motherfucker.



Now suddenly it's quiet as a church.



Who is this guy?



-You're not serious, are you?

-Of course I am. What's it worth to you?



You're down quite a bit right now, Phil.

I'd be careful if I were you.



One hand?



All right, I'll bet you anything you want.






All right.



You have a young paralegal

that works for you.



She's about to take the bar.



Even though I'm sure she's great

at what she does...



I think she'll make an even better lawyer.



I say this: If I make that shot...



you gotta give her a job as a lawyer

in your firm.



One year. No special treatment.



-Just a job and a chance to prove herself.

-That's ridiculous.



We scout the top law school graduates...



from all over the country for that job.



It starts at six figures, plus benefits.



Tell me, what the hell

are you gonna put up against that...



if you miss?



How about...



my new Benz?



It's got a can't-get-lost system. It's beautiful.



I know you want it.



You can own it.



All right. You got balls, kid.



Set it up.






So what do you say?



Come back to my boat, a little wine,

a little dancing.



You should see the moon over the water.



-lt's intoxicating.

-Will your wife be there?



Honey, you'll never believe

what just happened.



Excuse me.

Can't you see I'm talking to the lady?



Now you're not. So beat it.



Where've you been?

I've been looking for you all night.



Upstairs. I've got an unbelievable story

to tell you.



Can't you see

she doesn't want to talk to you?



Come on, Tara. Let's go.



-I'm not going anywhere with you.

-Who the fuck is this?



-He's a lawyer in our firm. He's a little drunk.

-I don't care who he is.



You talk to my girl again like that,

I'll take your teeth out with pliers.



Don't talk to him like that.

You'll get me fired.



-I can talk to him any kind of way I want.

-Good playing.



You had Phil shaking

like a dog shitting peach seeds.



Here's your end. And here's my card.



You come across action like that again,

count me in.



You know him?



You know him?



You hustled my boss?



Of course you did.

Why should tonight be any different?



You can't do anything

without playing an angle, can you?



I'm sorry, Uncle Mike.

I shouldn't have brought him here.



-That's your Johnny.

-This is Uncle Mike?



-You don't understand, sweetheart--

-I understand.



You think about one thing.



You care about one thing, and it is not me.



Please don't go. Get the fuck off me!



Are you crazy?



Women. You can't even

live with them anymore.



So, what about you?



I'll give you the keys,

and you can stay overnight at the office.



Thanks, Nick.



What are you going to do?



Gonna give up pool

and try to go back to her?



I gotta tell you something.



I don't think you can give up the game,

because you love it too much.



I don't know. Joe messed me up good.



Joe had nothing to do with it,

for Christ's sake!



Your trouble is, you played so many bums,

you almost became a bum yourself.



And you're not!



You're suffering from

a minor-league syndrome, understand?



You've gotta pull your ass out of that.



Tang and Danny don't belong in this place.



They don't belong in the world of pool.

But you do, for Christ's sake!



You have one of the most natural talents

in that arm I've ever seen in my life.



And what do you do?



You walk around pretending,

"I don't deserve it."



But you do deserve it,

don't you understand that?



That's a waste!



It's one of the biggest wastes in the world...



because you have the ability to be the best!



You come here.



You go around...



thinking you're a loser...



and, boy, you'll become a loser.



And pretty soon...



the only people you'll be able to beat...



are those people who think

they're bigger losers than you are.



Think it over.



Don't you fucking move!



You're gonna shoot me, Joe? Go ahead.



You killed me a long time ago.



You ungrateful fucking prick.

You don't remember, do you?



Where would you be without me?



I found you on the street,

living above the arcade with the rats.



Your mother and father

didn't care about you.



But I did. I was your father.



I bought you shoes and clothes.

I cleaned you up.



I taught you a skill.



I taught you the game.



The car you drive, the women you're with...



-everything you are, you are because of me.

-And what's that, Joe?



A fucking con man, a liar?



Someone who knows how to fuck you

before you fuck me?



I don't want to be that anymore.



-You owe me!

-I don't owe you fucking shit!



Don't tell me how you did it for me,

because you did it for yourself.



You saw a meal ticket in me,

and you fucking cashed it.



But you sold me out cheap, man.



You never gave me a chance.



What, you think I'd get too big for you?

Like I wouldn't need you anymore?



I needed you, Joe. I needed you a lot.



Because, you know, you're right.



My father never gave a fuck about me.



I needed you to be my father.



You don't like the way that tastes,

go ahead and shoot me.



You're a tough guy. You can do it.



You were never good enough to be a pro.



At    they would've chewed you up.



You should thank me. I saved you.



-Maybe he's gay.

-I think he might be.



-Are you gay? That's cool.

-I am not gay!



A little loud.



I think girls are a little weird, that's all.



This weekend, I was at this chick's house,

   years old...



and she still has stuffed animals on her bed.



-Don't you find that strange?

-All chicks have stuffed animals.



They're chicks, they're weird.

You can't let that bother you.



-Scoot over.

-Dude, what happened?



What the fuck did you do

to your fucking hand?



I was drunk.

I slammed it in the door of my car.



-You gotta go see a doctor.

-I'll go. It's all right.



-You want me to take you?

-I'm good.



-I came here to talk to Max, actually.

-What's up?



I figured with my hand broke up like this...



I should get a job,

'cause I won't be shooting pool no more.



-You are drunk.

-How can I help?



I figured since you're the only degenerate

here who's got a job...



maybe I might ask that you put in a word

with that Merv guy.



Merv? You fucking kidding me?



He's not the kind you'd want to work for.




-He's kind of a fucking asshole.



So, how bad could it be?



Come on, he's a good friend of mine.



Then definitely no. You think I want

anyone else like you working here?



Next thing, it'll be mutiny at Merv's.



Then they'll find me face down

in a puddle of blue toilet water.



Don't you want a good salesman?

The sign in your office--



I know what the sign says.



Did you ever sell motor homes before?



Did you ever sell cars before?



Have you ever sold anything before?



Then why the hell should I hire you?



-Because I got ESPN.




What the hell are you two talking about?



You know, Dionne Warwick,

Psychic Friends, all that.



It'll be a great asset for a salesman...



to know what a customer's thinking

at all times.



-I don't believe in that shit.

-You don't?



-I don't.

-Then let me prove it to you.




-I don't know. Let's make a bet.



-What kind of bet?

-Don't. Remember what happened last time?



What happened the last time?



Nothing. Forget it. We'll go somewhere else.



I'm tired of people not believing

in my psychic abilities here.



I'll tell you what.



If I can tell you where you got your shoes,

you give me a job, all right?



If not, I don't know, you can have my ring.



-He never gets the first one right.

-Will you shut up?



Fine, you got yourself a bet.



Sounds good to me.

Why don't you guys shake on it?



But you'll never get that job,

I'll tell you why.



I got these shoes when I was on a cruise,

in international waters.



So no matter what you say,

you're gonna lose.



I never said I could tell you

where you bought your shoes.



I said I can tell you where you got 'em.

Right now, you got your shoes on your feet.



-I hate it when that happens.

-How's today for you? Can you start today?



Hi, this is Tara. Leave a message.



Pick up the phone, will you, please?



Sweetheart, please pick up the phone.

I'm tired of leaving messages.



Hello ?



I'll just leave you ridiculous shit

on your machine...



until you run out of tape, okay ?



Pick up the phone. Hello?



All right, what do you want?



Who is this? Beth?



-I wanna speak to Tara.

-Tara doesn't want to speak to you.



Put her on the phone for me,

will you, please?



It's important. I need to speak with her.

God damn it.



-Don't take that tone with me.

-There's something I have to say to her.



-lt's very important.

-Tell me. I'll give her the message.




-No, wait. Hold on.



Can you take a message for me?



Okay, great.



Get a pen and paper.

Do you have one handy?



-Right here.

-You have it in your hand?



Write this down for me, please.



-We gotta follow our dreams, right?




We live for the moment, right?



Love what you do while you're alive, 'cause

tomorrow a truck could hit you, right?



So I'm doing the right thing by taking

all the money my family's ever saved...



for me to go to college with, and use it

to bankroll myself on the road, right?



-You're not serious.

-He's serious.



I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Please do something.



I've talked to him all day,

but he won't listen.



In that case, if he's got his mind made up,

there's no talking him out of it...



the only thing left to do

is to send him out in style.



Party, Chris's house, tomorrow night.

His parents are out of town.



Robin Hood,

thank you for donating my place.



Sorry, my parents just got

brand-new white carpeting.



Anything gets on that, and I am a dead man.



There is no way we could possibly have

a party at my house.



Could everyone please stand on the plastic?



What's going on? How are you doing?



What's going on?



Can I get you guys a beer?



How you doing?



What's up, doc?



Listen, man, the key to picking up women

is very simple.



Old Spice and Aqua Velva.



Are you kidding?

That's the shit my dad uses.



Exactly. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

This is the old-school shit.



What the fuck are you looking at?



It's cool.



It just seems like

everybody I meet nowadays is just...






What's up, my man?



I find myself wanting to meet a girl

who is completely normal, for a change.



You don't have any tattoos, do you?






Sweetheart, come on, Jacuzzi. You'll love it.



-What are you doing?

-Eating pop rocks, drinking pop.



Are you out of your fucking mind?

What's the matter with you?



Don't you know a kid died like that?



-Wait a minute.




Do you have any stuffed animals

on your bed?



No, of course not.



Okay, that's good.



What are you doing?



Choke me.




-Choke me. I like it.



Oh, my God!



That's just.... Jesus!



Yo, Romeo. Grab a brew and relax.



-That's easy for you to say. Jesus!

-Where's Tang?



Last time I saw him, I think

he was adopted by a   -year-old boy.



Seriously, I can't believe

he's really going on the road.



Me, neither.

He has no idea what the fuck he's in for.



I think that's kind of the point.



But he doesn't realize

the situation that he's in.



It's not about the money.

He's gambling with his future.



If he fucks this up, then he can regret it

for the rest of his life.



-What's he got in the box, anyway?

-$     .



What? $     ?



And you morons

didn't try to talk him out of it?



-What's wrong with you?

-I tried.



He's so jonesed about this,

he doesn't listen to us.



He's just trying to be like you.



-All right, guys.

-You get 'em, baby.



You go get 'em, Tang.



All right. It's me against the world, baby!



-Yeah, baby.

-You go shoot some stick, now.



-Think he'll last a month?

-I'll give you  -to- .



-I'll take it.

-All right.



-Who is next?

-That's what I'm talking about, baby.



Okay, mister.



I didn't even have any of it, you know.



Bye-bye. Anybody else? I'm game.



Anybody in here play for money?



-What do you play for?

-What do you got?



-I play $   a game.

-How about we play $   ?



And I'll give you four balls off the table.

You play  -ball?



We usually play  -ball.



You give me four balls off the table,

you got a game.



Put it up.



-Call it.




Take 'em down.



-Do it again?

-Put it up.



What's going on?



This guy's giving Chris four balls

off the table for $    a rack.



Four balls off the table?

Since when does Chris play  -ball?



I don't know. Why?



Four balls off the table's

the biggest hustle in the world.



Chris is getting his balls out of the way,

so this fucker can shoot.



That's game. Do it again?



-One more time.

-What's up?



-I'm about to beat this guy's ass.

-How much you down?



$   .



We've played two games

and I haven't shot yet.



As soon as he fucks up, I'll be on his ass.



Have you forgotten?

I'm on in an hour. Let's go.



-He's giving me four balls off the table!

-Let's go.



He's hustling you.

This guy's a fucking hustler. Let's go.



Take 'em down.



All right, Max, let's go.



We can't leave Chris here.

What if the fucker tries to start something?



He'll learn his lesson. Let's go.

I'll see you later. Don't be late.



I hate choosing.



I'm such a bitch.



Let's get to work!



Poor little white trash



Say you got some extra cash



Why don't you come



and blow it all on me ?



I ain't nothing but a smart ass



drinking from an empty glass



I'm as crazy as a tree



What's your hurry ?



Don't you worry, baby



Never shed a tear for me



Don't you worry, baby



I'm cold as a boy can be



I ain't scared of a broken heart



I get bored with the easy part



Heaven knows I'm a redneck gigolo



I think you and I



should go down by the seaside



Pick up all the dead things on the beach



Ain't nothing but a washed-up world



You ain't nothing but a stupid girl



I think that's the way that life ought to be



What's your hurry ?



Don't you worry, baby



Never shed a tear for me



Don't you worry, baby



I'm cold as a boy can be



I ain't scared of a broken heart



I get bored with the easy part



Heaven knows I'm a redneck gigolo



Come on!



All right, man.



Man, you were really good tonight.



Thanks, Harold.



Too bad no one will ever know.



Thanks for coming. I appreciate that.

Don't tell me. You lost.



-I know. I fucked up, okay?

-Yeah, you fucked up.



-God damn it. How much did you lose?

-$    .



-What the fuck are you doing here?

-I'm waiting for you.



Now that Johnny's gone,

you're the top dog around here.



Maybe you want to step up.



You ain't welcome around here no more.

Nick says you're out.



Tell him I'll burn this place to the ground

if he thinks I'm out.



And tell Johnny, when he gets his hand

out of that cast I put him in...



that I want his game, too.



-You did that to his hand?

-What the fuck will you do?



Fuck! It's fucking bullshit, man.



We can't let them come into our pool room

and push us around.



-We gotta do something.

-What? Joe's a fucking psycho. He'll kill us.



We've gotta beat him at his own game.



That sounds great, but Joe's got

this demon fucking pool fiend with him.



-The guy never misses. He's unconscious.

-We'll get Johnny to play.



Fuck that. Johnny's out of his mind.

He's got chick drama and a broken hand.



Anybody's gonna step up, it's gonna be me.



Are you deaf? Did you not hear me?

The guy never misses.



-He just destroyed me.

-Chris, I destroy you.



This is different. The guy's really good.



I'll play him on table  .

Nobody knows better how that table rolls.



That's true.

Table   does roll pretty fucked up.



You know why? I'm the one

who put the matchbox under the leg.




-Give me my $    back.



We're gonna have to pawn your car.

I need money to put pressure on them.



Wait a minute. Pawn my car?



-You're not gonna pawn my car.

-lt's just for one day.



Are you out of your fucking mind?



There's no way I'm gonna let you do this.



In a million years,

you are never gonna pawn my car.



Let's go, Phil. $    a hole.

Let's get cracking.



Hold your horses. I gotta call my wife...



and tell her I'll be stuck in traffic

for at least a week.



Mr. Stein, you forgot to sign these.



Thank you.



That's great. You know...



I need to talk to the both of you.



Remember that bet you made?



This is the last time

I'm gonna call you, so....



I don't know, if you change your mind,

or if you ever check your machine...



then you'll know where to find me.

All right. Bye.



I am not having a good day.



Every day is a good day, kid.



Just try missing one once.



I gotta go get some felt for the tables.

I'll be gone a couple of hours.



-Keep an eye on the castle.

-You got it.






Here's the keys.



Make sure you lock up

before you leave, all right?



Back off her.




-Hey, Nick.



What happened to your hand?



I cut myself shaving.



Why didn't you tell me

what you did for me that night?



Because you spend so much time

always thinking that I'm an asshole...



that you never see

any of the good things that I do.



All I wanted to do...



was give you what I knew you wanted

more than anything in the world...



the only way I knew how.



The only thing I ever wanted was you.



I love you.






-There's something I have to tell you.




I'm a motor-home salesman now.



I know. I heard.



What do you mean?



I saw you in the window, with the tie.



Are you stalking me now?



No. You almost made a sale.

I almost came....



Why are you gonna stalk me?



I just missed you, baby.



I missed you, too.



You guys want some action?



I'll be at Hard Times, table   tonight.



Can't miss me.

I'll be the one whipping your ass.



What's the weather like lately?

I haven't been outside.



What you wanna do, Brad....

Is that your name?



You wanna stroke it, not poke it.

Look how pretty that is.



I move 'em around pretty good, myself.



This is too easy.



Can you get that money up there?

My arm is....



Thanks. Appreciate it.



-$    baby. Easy as fucking pie.

-That's my boy!



Where'd you get that stick?

Is that Johnny's cue?



-He ain't using it, so I borrowed it.

-Danny, be careful, man.



Something strange is going on.

He's not playing you the way he played me.



Of course not.

I'm a lot better player than you are.



Here he comes.



-Nice table.

-You like that? Thanks.



Why don't we switch tables

and double the bet?



No, I say we play on this table or I quit.

That's the deal.



You're such a punk.

Fine, let's double the bet.



That sounds good.



You weren't breast-fed, were you?



Rack 'em, Joe, my finger's so'.



Dead rail. I can't believe that!



Table   baby.



This guy's got us playing

on this fucked-up table.



What's your deal?



Are you gonna play,

or cry about it like a fucking baby?



Bet $    .

He can't beat me three sets in a row.



Shut up. It ain't your money.



It's half my money.

You want out, I'll play him on my own.



You can't fire an air barrel.

How will you cover if you lose?



I'm not gonna lose. I'm in this guy's head--



-Don't be an idiot. We don't have the money.

-Get the fuck out of here.



Fine. $    . You call it.



-You call.




So you won a fucking break.

Big fucking deal.



Pay up. $    .



-Where's the money?

-Tough guy!



Get the fuck out of here,

you punk-ass bastards. Get out of here. Go!



Listen to me. The money.    hours.



-Or next time I come back angry.

-You son of a bitch!



-That's enough!

-I'll tell you when it's enough.




-Jesus Christ, what the hell are you?



I'm a klutz.



Fuck, Danny!



Freeze! Put your hands in the air!



Get them up in the air so we can see them!



Let's see them hands!



Hey, Nick. What's going on?



What's wrong?



-Danny's in jail.

-What happened?



He crapped out

firing an air barrel at Brad last night.



How much?



$    . He's stuck for half of it.



And it gets worse.



When Joe found out

that Danny couldn't cover...



then he leaned on him pretty heavy,

beat the shit out of him...



put a gun to his head and said,

"You've got    hours to get the money."



That's when Danny went crazy,

tried to knock over Sal's.




-He's in County Jail.



It's $      bail.



We got to get him out, right? Nick?



I'm sorry, kid.

I just don't have that kind of money.



All I got is my dad's plastic.



-I ain't got nothing.

-I can call my dad.






What are you gonna do?



I'm gonna go get my brother. Come on.



Hey, Nick. He's here.



Detroit. You got action.



Come here. Give me the fucking thing.






Nick, anything on the bankroll?



Nothing. De nada.



The next level. Why don't you take over?



Come on, set 'em up.



-How's the arm?




-You ready?

-I'm ready.



-Let's play the first set for $    .

-All right, fine.



Fine. Call it.



The money first. Put it up.



What's wrong?

You don't think I'm good for it?



Put the money on the lights.



-I think you know me better than that.

-I know you too well, Johnny boy.



I'm not gonna fall for any of your old tricks.



The money.



Fine. Just give me a second, all right?



-What the hell are we working with here?

-lt's about $    .






I got one barrel, no cue.

How the hell do I like it?



It's okay. We're covered.



-Jesus Christ, where'd you get that?

-I'm the rich kid, right?



Don't worry about it.



-Are we playing here, or what?

-We're playing.



Joe, how about we play this one

for $     ?



-Ten's my favorite number.

-Nice cue. You shooting with that?



No, that's not his cue, smart ass.

He's shooting with this.






You wanted a pro, you got one.

He's ranked   th in the country.



You don't stand a shot against him.

You had enough yet?



Rack 'em.



Christ, Nick, the kid's good,

but he's not that good.



You're just getting started.



Yeah, but it's just cost us $     

to get me started.



You listen to me. I know this type of guy

from my past experience.



This son of a bitch is not a stayer,

you understand?



He'll crack sooner or later.

When he cracks, you'll win. Have faith.



-"Have faith."

-Okay, you're covered.



Covered? What the hell

kind of ATM you got?



Thanks, Chris.






This is so sad.



Wait here. I'm not done yet.



I know. I think he's getting warmed up now.

Just give us another $     . Maybe....



You motherfucker!



How could you do this?



This is fucking Tang, man!



He don't got no fucking credit cards

and no Cadillac.



You give me this rich-kid bullshit.

You got me in there pissing away his future.



What the fuck are you doing?



What am l, a baby?

Like I had no say in this?



-My friend was in trouble. I came to help.

-What the fuck, man?



He bails out Danny now

and pays off his debt, he's out $     .



Then he's broke, too. What the fuck?



All right, we just took a fucking chance.



Come on. We never thought you'd lose.



Here, man. Take this.



Keep your money.



What are you gonna do?



Come on. Just take the money! I'm sorry!



All right, what do you say we bump the bet?

Play this one for $     .



How much you got up there, John?



You wouldn't be flashing me

no nigger roll, would you?



'Cause that don't look like no $     .



As long as we're doing this,

why not play for $     ?



I've been looking for him all day.

Are we too late?



No, perfect.



-Sorry I'm late, John. Hi, how you doing?

-Who are you?



His backer.



What do you say you match what I got,

and we play till somebody takes it all?



-$      is okay.

-Are you sure?



-Race to   for $     .

-Put it up.



All right.



At least you got Tang's money back.



Yeah, but my brother's still in jail.



Come here. Get over here.



-Put him the fuck out. Come on.

-I got him.



-Bet $     .

-Fine. Good. Even better.



Go ahead. Shoot 'em.



Don't miss.



Fuck this back-and-forth bullshit.

It's a big waste of time.



You want to put it all up, Mr. Backer man?



Come on. Last set. Shoot it all.

Race to   for $     .



I'm betting this big-time action

brings out the dog in your boy, over there.



Did I just stutter or something?



A few minutes ago, it was like a pool hall

in here. Now it's as quiet as a church.



Is this your first time in a pool hall,

Mr. Backer man? Is that it?



Your clothes getting a little mashed?

Let me tell you something.



When you walk out of here,

your skin will smell of this place for a week.



Every time you put on that suit,

you will think of me taking your money.



'Cause I'm the only one in this room

who knows how fast your boy can run.



You want to know why? 'Cause I bred him.



How the fuck does that make you feel...



to be in that position,

with all your money on the table?



-How much you got, Joe?




Total. You put down $     

like it didn't matter.



That's a lot of money for somebody

like you and him. I think it matters.



-What's the difference--

-I'm a millionaire.



That's the difference.

I lose $      I get another $     .



For me, it doesn't matter.

See, I think it's you...



who's sweating this, the both of you.



People in pool rooms don't come across

this kind of take but once in a lifetime.



And now you're gonna

put it all on the line against John...



'cause you think he's gonna choke?

I don't think so.



I think he's gonna choke.



You want to shoot it all, let's shoot it all.



-How much you got in your pocket?

-I got a couple of thousand.






$   .



-What about your ring?




-How much for your ring?

-You want my ring?



You said it: "Shoot it all."



-What's it worth to you?

-I paid $     for it.



$    . Covered.



I'm gonna leave you with nothing.

Nick, make sure, please, it's all there.



I'm gonna have a drink. You want a drink?



All right.



You watch those nature documentaries

on the cable?






See the one about lions?



Got this lion.



He's the king of the jungle.

Huge mane, out to here.



He's laying down under a tree,

in the middle of Africa.



He's so big. He's so hot.



He doesn't want to move.



The little lion cubs,

they start messing with him.



Biting his tail, biting his ears.

He doesn't do anything.



The lioness, she starts messing with him...



coming over, making trouble. Still nothing.



Now, the other animals notice this...



and they start to move in, the jackals.






They're barking at him, laughing at him.



They nip his toes

and eat the food that's in his domain.



They do this...



then they get closer and bolder,

till one day...



that lion gets up

and tears the shit out of everybody...



runs like the wind,

eats everything in his path.



'Cause every once in a while,

the lion has to show the jackals...



who he is.



It's too late to be scared. It's time to kill.



I'm going in the other room.

You come out when you're ready.



Don't beat him. Kick his ass.



Watch this  -ball go down.






That's fucking bullshit!

I can't fucking believe this.



I don't know. I think I gotta bank it.

There's nothing else I can do.



You can do it. It's a two-rail safety.



I think you're right. Thanks, Nick.



Good shot.



Take that, you motherless motherfuckers!



Stop. Easy. No....






Shoot the shot already. It's an easy shot.



-Easy shot, my ass.

-Shows how much you know.



I can't believe I'm playing

with somebody so fucking stupid.



I ain't biting on any of your

South Side shark techniques, so shut up.



The shot can't be made, Brad.



Believe me,

I'd rather have you shoot it than me.



Me, too.



-Come on!




If you think it's so easy,

why don't you come and shoot it?



Believe me, I wish I could.

I'd pay to shoot a shot like that.



How much is it worth to you, Johnny boy?



What are you saying?



You think you can make it. I say

it can't be made. I don't want him doing it.



So why don't you speak to Daddy Warbucks

and see how much it's worth?



I don't gotta ask nobody nothing.

That's a tough fucking shot.



It's worth, maybe, $    bucks.



$   ? We're playing for $      

and you want to offer me $   ?



Offer me $    

and then maybe I'll think about it.



What are you saying, Joe?



You don't want to go home broke

once John makes this shot.



Listen, mister, all due respect...



but save your money,

'cause you don't know the game.



The shot can't be made.



It's up to you.



Here's your gas money.



You're gonna need it.



Excuse me.



Come on, get legs.






What the hell were you thinking?

I told you you couldn't make the shot.



-What are you doing?

-I'm taking my shot.



See, I just paid $     for your shot.



Now it's my shot.



Listen, you can't do that.



-He just did.

-This is bullshit!



It's not an old trick

you should have been looking out for.



-This is fucking bullshit, man!

-Here's what my brother owes you.



-Fuck you.

-You and I got some unfinished business.



The rest of y'all clear out.

It's about to get rowdy in this motherfucker.




-Later, Joe.



A game like that, you should be on the tour.



I don't think you'd want me beating you

every week.



You didn't beat me. I got hustled.



Maybe you did, and maybe you didn't.



-I guess I'm a hustler.

-Doesn't have to stay that way.



Think about it.



Wanna get out of here?



Let's go get your brother.



-Wait, we're not going in that.

-What are we going in?



We're going in that.



That's my Uncle Mike's car.



Not anymore. Come on.



Okay, boys, you ready?






Give me two seconds.... Okay, I'm all right!



Jesus Christ.



-I'm telling you, right now--

-No way those are real.



What we need is a plastic surgeon.



Shut up! We need a consensus,

all right? Tang?



They must be real. There's no scar.

I'm going with God.



Are you retarded?

There's laser technology now.



They can remove scars, plus God made

plastic surgery.    -percent fake.



I don't know. It's a shot in the dark,

but I'll go with real.



I can't leave Max hanging on this.

They look great, but a little too amazing.



I'll say store-bought.



All right! Is that your final answer?



Want to take the   -  ? Audience choice?



-Come on.

-All right, okay!



All right, Scarlet.

Here's the moment of truth.



-Are they real, or are they Memorex?

-They're real.



I knew it!



-Scarlet, they feel hard as a rock.

-Never go swimming. You'll drown.




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