Pootie Tang Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Pootie Tang script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie created by Chris Rock.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Pootie Tang. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Pootie Tang Script



We have with us today a man who

is so much a part of the culture...



that he scarcely needs

an introduction.



Pootie Tang.

Good to have you here with us.






You've had incredible success...



and you've had it

in a variety of fields--



music, films,

martial arts, pottery.



How do you do it?



Well, Bob, I'm a pone toni.



- Got my dillies on a peppatain.

- I hear that.



Now, Pootie, a lot of young artists

say that you are their inspiration.



Well, I can't say

the nay-no, my brother.






You got a new movie

coming out, right?



Yeah. Yes, it's called

Sine Your Pitty on the Runny Kine.



- And who's in it besides yourself?

- Oh, well, there's Trucky...



Bad Bitty, Dirty Dee...



Lacey, J B...



Biggie Shorty

and Robert Vaughn.



- You have a clip to show us?

- Yeah, baby.



All right, let's take

a look then at this clip...



from Pootie Tang's new movie,

 Sine Your Pitty on the Runny Kine.



 It was the year     .



 It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.



 The big city was thriving,

but the inner city was dying.



 Who was killing it?



 This man. Dick Lecter.



 The head

of corporate America.



 But the people had hope because

they knew that there was one man...



 who could fight the power.



 One man who could stop

the madness.



 One man who could beat

Dick Lecter like the LAPD.



 And that man--

that man was Pootie Tang.



 See that guy? That's Bad Bitty.



 The baddest drug dealer

in town.



Hey, Bad Bitty,

here comes Dirty Dee.



Dirty bastard!



 That's Dirty Dee,

the dirtiest dude around.



 He handles all

of corporate America's dirty work.



 Next to Dirty Dee,

that's Froggy, the Enforcer.



Yo, Bad Bitty!

How you be?



I'm bad, Dirty Dee.

You're still dirty, I can see.



Let's deal, baby.



- You got yours?

- Froggy.



- It's dirty money.

- You got yours?






But how do I know

if they any good?



Let's test'em out.



Hey, kid! Come over here!



 That's kid,

the dumbest kidin town.



- What you want, mister?

- Here. Have some of this.



- Is it candy?

 - Told you.



Yeah. It's the kind of candy

that you smoke out of a pipe.



Pipe candy.






Yea! Pootie Tang.



You a baddy

daddy lamatai tebby chai.



Get that Pootie!



That's a canapan,

all the way down.



You mother--



Shut up, bitch!



Okay, I quit.



My face!



Run, Pootie!



Aw, hell!



Come on!



Get out! Get out!

Get out! Out!






No car wash.



No soap! No soap!



Sa da tay.



 He's got it all

He's on the money



 And he's maintained

He knows what he wants



 He's got it all

He'll sine your pitty



 And it's no thang

He's that Pootie Tang



 Somebody's on the floor



 It's another

smooth-talkin' brother



 Everybody's lookin' at him



 As he puts his tie down

the ladies on the dance floor



 He's got the whole world

wrapped around his finger



 A one-woman man

and you know he understands



 Casanova with a fancy car



 You can tell

he's gonna go all night



 He's got it all

He's on the money



 And he's maintained

He knows what he wants



 He's got it all

He'll sine your pitty



 And it's no thang

He's that Pootie Tang



 He's hip to the core



 Got a belt buckle locket

You know where he got it



 He's a player by trade



 And you can see him on the corner

doing business on his tippi tai



 He's the C.E.O.

of his own world



 He commands R-E-S-P-E-C- T



 And you know he's

good to go all night



 He's got it all

He's on the money



 And he's maintained



 He knows what he wants

He's got it all



 He'll sine your pitty

And it's no thang



 He's that Pootie Tang



 Turnin' heads

Can't let'em take ya



 Pootie be packin' Crys

and ladies be payin' paper



 Let me see you

do your thing



 Turnin' heads

Can't let'em take ya



 Pootie be packin' Crys

and ladies be payin' paper



 Yeah, yeah, yeah



 He's got it all

He's on the money



 And he's maintained

He knows what he wants



 He's got it all

He'll sine your pitty



 And it's no thang

He's that Pootie Tang



 Pootie Tang was born in a small town

outside of Gary, lndiana.



 And that town

was called Chicago.



 As he grew...



 everyone noticed something different

about the way Pootie would talk.



 It baffled everyone--

doctors, scientists.



 Let me break it down

to you like this.



 Pootie Tang is, was

and will always be...



 too cool for words.



 Pootie Tang was

the most popular kidin town.



 We didn't always know

what he was saying...



 but we always knew

what he meant.



 Like I knew I was his best friend.

That's me. Trust me.



 Yeah, he had

a special effect on people...



 especially on the ladies.



 Not girls. Grown-ass women.



- Hiya, Pootie Tang.

- I'm a tine cappy, my damie.



- All right, Pootie Tang.

 - But for some of the ladies...



 Pootie was just

too hot to handle.



Damn you, Pootie Tang!



I can't take no more of this!



Who do you think you are,

treatin' me this way?



I've had it with you! You hear me

talkin' to you with your nappy head!



This is it!

I'm finished with you!



Get out of my life,

Pootie Tang!



You think I'm jokin'?

Take your shit!



Take your shit and get out,

Pootie Tang! I'm sick of you!



Pootie-- Pootie, don't go.



 Pootie Tang

was an only child.



 His father, Daddy Tang,

worked hard to raise Pootie right.



 He had this belt.

He was so fast with that belt...



 that before Pootie could do wrong,

Daddy Tang would set him right.



Don't you grab them peas

without askin' your mama, boy.



May I dane on the cherries,

Mama Di?



Yes, you may, Pootie Tang.



That's better.



You got to have respect

to get respect, Pootie Tang.



So, do you have any girlfriends

at school, Pootie?



Aw, Mama Di. There's a sine

tippi in a classi-ti.



She's a cole toni.



Don't you talk dirty

to your mama, boy.



Always got your head

in them girls.



You need to have

your head in the books.



Leave the ladies alone.



 And that's the way it was.



 Daddy Tang and his belt

was always there...



 teaching Pootie the difference

between good and bad.



 Now, when I say he was always there,

I mean he was always there.



Hey, Pootie, let's

steal some apples.



 When Pootie was only six,

his mother died...



 Leaving him

and his father alone.



 - Pootie was very sad.

- I know, son.



 But his father

was a comfort to him.



Don't slurp your soup

in here, boy.



 Two weeks later,

another terrible tragedy.



 His father was fatally injured

at the steel mill.



What the fu--



Gorilla! Gorilla!



 It was incredible.



 Only the third man to be mauled

by a gorilla at that steel mill.



 On his deathbed, Daddy Tang

had Pootie make a solemn promise.






I know

I brought you up tough...



but that's

'cause I love you.



It's tough

out there, Pootie.



You got drugs,

crime, gorillas.






I ain't gonna be here much longer,

so I'm gonna give you this.



Pootie, that's my belt.



As long as you got

right on your side...



you could whoop anyone's ass

with just that belt.



I know

you love the ladies...



and Lord knows

the ladies love you.



Don't let the ladies

come between you and the belt.



 Those were Daddy Tang's

last words.:



 "Don't let the ladies

come between you and the belt."



 But there was something

else about the ladies...



 that Daddy Tang forgot

to tell little Pootie.



 Pootie Tang

turned out just fine.



 Daddy Tang

would have been proud.



 Pootie had it all--

hit records, movies...



 magazine covers, fancy cars...



 famous friends, beautiful

custom-made clothes...



 and ladies, ladies, ladies.



 Through it all, I was right there

by his side. That's me. Trucky.



 And that's my man,

Pootie Tang.



 Big-time celebrity,

ass-kickin' crime fighter...



 and role model

to the children.



 Pootie Tang has a message...



 for the children of America...



 so you better

wapatah to the bammies 'cause:



 Pootie says cigarettes and fast-food

burgers are bad like netatai.



 Don't drink malt liquor 'cause you

don't need to 'cause you're okay.



 Sa da tay. Also, eat

all your vegetables...



 and don't bang the dillies.



 That's Frank,

Dick Lecter's right-handman.



So what do we care?



We care because

he's making these.



People have been making PSAs

for years. Hasn't made a difference.



Eddie, hit me

with those figures.



Since the inception

of Pootie Tang's PSA campaign...



sales of Lecter burgers

are down   %...



Lecter cigarettes

down   %...



and Lecter whiskey...



almost out of business.



For the first time, somebody's getting

to these kids, and it's killing us.



It's killing us.



 It's killing us.



Hello, Mr. Lecter.



 Frank, I have a job for you.



Yes, sir.



I tell you, man, Pootie Tang

is one bad brother, man.



 That's J.B. and Lacey.

We make up Pootie's crew.



Pootie Tang will draw you a picture

of how he's gonna kick your ass...



then mail it to you

ten days in advance.



The picture

gets there, right?



You go,

"What the hell is this?"



Then Pootie Tang knocks on your

door, properly kicks your ass...



and you still won't know

what happened to you.



You got that right.

He is a kick-ass artiste.



Know what I'm sayin'?

He like the Da Vinci of ass-kicking.



That sounds kind of good. Pootie

Tang, the Da Vinci of ass-kicking.



Aw, man, Pootie Tang

whoop your ass so bad...



that you could

write it off on your taxes.



That's right. You got right here,

ass-whooping number one...



ass-whooping number two.



This here, you can't write that

off. That's just gettin' beat up.



I like to also add that Pootie Tang

can kick some ass too, boy.



Oh, here come Pootie Tang now.

Hey! Pootie Tang! All right!



- We was just talkin' about you.

- All right, Pootie Tang!



Pootie Tang, you going to Biggie

Shorty's party tomorrow, man?



 I guess you're wonderin',

who is Biggie Shorty?



I'm Biggie Shorty.



Let me tell you

about me and Pootie Tang.



Since the very day we met,

I knew Pootie was to be my man.



I knew all I had

to do was wait...



and one day all that bullshit

would catch up with Pootie...



and he would be mine.



Hey, man, you going to Biggie

Shorty's party tomorrow, man?






- We gonna party tomorrow, man.

- There's gonna be bitches there.



You right. You right. Respect

the women. Respect the women.



- Look at that car!

- Damn that car big!



And long

like an old snake.



Man, that car's so big,

it's got its own sky.



Yeah, it's big too.



- Keep it running.

- Yes, sir.



Hiya, fellas.



- Kinda hot for a hootenanny, huh?

- You hear that?



A hootenanny? What the hell

is a damn hootenanny?



I'm looking

for Pootie Tang.



Pootie Tang? What you want

with Pootie Tang?



I need to talk to him.



All right, look, Pootie.



I'm a representative of Lecter Corp.

Do you know what that is?




Well, Dick Lecter...



the CEO, mind you,

of Lecter Corp., he likes you.



He likes you, Pootie, and he wants

to make you a very rich, rich man.



I have a contract here

for Pootie to endorse.



Tasty Heavy

Pork Chunk Cereal.



It's delicious. It's a wonderful

product. Kids love it.



And kids love you.

We just wanna put that together.



That's a canapan

to the semachai.



I didn't even tell you

how much it pays, Pootie.



Twenty million dollars

to sign with us for just one year.



Oh, what do you say,




I got to say

the nay-no, my brother.



- Wa-da-tah.

- Wa-da-tah?



How do you say the nay-no

to    million? Why?



Maybe Pootie don't wanna sign

because he knows you're full of it.



Yeah. First of all, he knows

that cereal's full of sugar.



And number two, that's not all

that you guys sell.



You sell cigarettes, whiskey,

Bad Time burgers, switchblades.



It also says here that you will no

longer have Pootie doing PSA's...



telling the kids to eat

healthy and to be smart.



Well, sure, exclusivity

goes without saying.



I'm sure your ugly intentions

go without saying.



Take a walk, money man.



See, my damie, Pootie Tang don't

wa-da-tah to the shama cow...



'cause that's a cama

cama leepa-chaiii, dig?



Hey, Tang, to you, they're children.

To me, they're dollar signs.



Cover your grill.



Sa da tay!



Aw, man!



You funny, man.

You are a funny man.



You's a wild boy.



 Pootie smacked the taste

out of Frank's mouth.



 Oh, man, that

was funny to us.



 But there was one man

who was not laughing at all.



Pootie Tang goes out there

and makes everybody love him.



He tells them

not to buy my products.



He steals from me.



And what do I do?



I say take my money. Here.

Take it. Fine. Huh?



And he says no.



 I guess you're wondering,

who is this bitch here?



 That's lreenie,

Dick Lecter's main squeeze...



 and the most dangerous

woman on the planet.



 Now, she don't look it,

but she can bring any man down.



I know what makes

Pootie Tang...



tick, tock, tick.



That's cool. All right.



Cut the drums too.



It's all gone now, Pootie.

What do you wanna do?



Lepa time.



What's he got on his mind?



We're starting

from scratch, I guess.



Pootie knows what Pootie do.



This is gonna be good.



Okay, Pootie, I'll play back

the levels the way you set them.



No instruments, no vocals,

no levels, everything silent.



Set it on me. Bleed.



Pootie don't need no words.

Don't even need no music.



We have got a hit, baby.



I like it.

Everybody seems to like it.



But right now I got somethin'

I know you all gonna like.



We got the world premiere

from Pootie Tang...



 and you know it's gonna

be out of this world.



That's right. 'Causeyou

all loved his last record...



 "Sine Your Pitty

on the Runny Kine."



Well, you all gonna

love this new one.



The new one is called--



So let's listen up to the new

record by Pootie Tang called--



From Pootie Tang.



Oh, yeah.



Damn, this is good!

This is good!



Man, Pootie done did it again!



Pootie too good!

Pootie too good!



Pootie too good!

Pootie too good!



Turn that noise down, damn it!



Legendary Pootie Tang has done it

once again with his new song--



Already considered one of

the greatest hits of all time.



 - This was the scene earlier...

- Oh, you are so fine.



 as fans mobbed Pootie Tang

in the streets...



 many saying they hadn't heard

an artist this profound...



 since AIB. Sure.



I love you!



Pootie was blowin' up now.



We talkin' big. I mean,

we talkin' "Macarena" big.



We talkin'

electric slide big.



We're talkin' Bentleys

and drinkin' Crys big...



girls in bikini thongs big.



Everybody want a piece of Pootie.

You think I'm playin'?



Here we go, baby.

Come on. Get up here.






Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.



We got Pootie Tang

in the house tonight.



Come on up, Pootie.

Come on.



I need you to sing

a song with me.






I love you,

Pootie Tang. Damn.



That's a batu shane,

my tellie.






 Falling in love

with you



 Because you are

my man so right



 Tippi tai on my capa-town



 And I'm



 Oh, yeah



 Thinking of only you



 Because you move me

so right



 All around my damie



 I feel you



 All on me, baby



 I got you

I got you, baby



 Whoa, yeah, yeah



 On my clammy dees



 On my damie kings



 I'm a cry the pooster



 I'm a cry the pooster



Pootie Tang

up in this joint tonight.



I love you. I want you.



Oh, take me with you.

Please, Pootie.



Pootie, please. Please.



Wait! Oh! Pootie!






Oh, Pootie, I love you.



I want you.

I love you, Pootie.






Don't leave me out here

in my lonesome.



Give a girl something!



It's not right.



 She's fine!

Why did Pootie pass that up?



 'Cause she's crazy. Look at her,

licking milk out of a bowl.



 Oh, Pootie Tang, you gonna

sine that pitty Pootie Tang



- All right!

- Bata shane, my dillie?



Same as always, baby.



You come by tomorrow.



We gonna have a party!



Talk about

all the sisters and me.



You gonna be there?



All right, Pootie!



Hey, young boys.



Hey, look at her, man.



Pink lady.



Pull up, man. Pull up.



Pull up!



What you want?



- You want somethin'?

- Yes, baby, I want it.



What you want?



I want you to do

the two of us.



How much?



Hey, baby,

what's your problem?



Just 'cause a girl

like to dress fancy...



and stand on a street corner

near some whores...



you automatically

think she's hooking?



Wouldn't you?



No, I wouldn't.



I'm a lady,

you greasy bastard.



Oh, yeah! Pootie Tang

and his boys are here!



Yo, man, a Biggie Shorty party

is exclusive, man.



They don't let nobody

in a Biggie Shorty party.



They got a line around the block.

Ain't nobody in, man.



You know what? Nobody we know

can get in this party, man.



They don't let no light in.

They don't let no electricity in.



They don't let no water in.

They don't let no air in.



Air is going, "Man, I'm air.

I'm on the list. Let me in."



And they won't let air in.

And you know air gets in everywhere.



That's how exclusive

a Biggie Shorty party is.



You know what else?

It's hard to get in too.



I hate you!



Go, Trucky! Go, Trucky!



Go, Trucky! Go, Trucky!

Go, Trucky! Go, Trucky!



Go, Trucky!



Pretty girl. Pretty girl.



Where you go, girl?



Pootie, you are the sexiest

bastard on God's green earth.



- Yeah.

- I tell you, though.



Someday I'm gonna get me

a piece of you myself.



- Sepatown.

- Sepatown, my ass.



You gonna be inside

of a bed with me someday.



You mark my words,

you skinny, wonderful man.



Pretty girl!



Pretty girl!






Pretty girl? Pretty girl!



How does a woman

get to you anyway?



It's like a state secret.



How to bed Pootie Tang.



Get off him already.

He don't want none of your mess.



I tell you what, Pootie.



Someday you gonna meet

your match in a woman.



Someday you gonna meet

the Darth Vader of T. and A.



Some woman's gonna kick

your ass and love you to death...



and then you gonna be

lying in the Dumpster...



done banged to death

by the dark side of love.



And on that day, Pootie...



I'm gonna be there.



And I'm gonna make

sweet love to you.



Sexy girl!



- Damn, man.

- Oh, I'm sorry.



I thought she was

somebody else, man. I'm sorry.



I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.



Damn. I didn't get

your name, did l?



Damn. Do I know you?



Do you want me

to pull your legs off?



- Pardon me?

- You wanna make out?



I might enjoy that.

I just might enjoy that.



I might enjoy that. You know,

I just might enjoy that.



Shut up!



Okay, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.



Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute!



Look here. Call me a sissy,

but you need to stop, baby.



You are tearing me apart.

You're killing me.



- You want me to stop?

- Well, yes, I do.



Okay, then,

you tell me something.



- What do you wanna know?

- What's Pootie's secret?



I can't tell you that.



 Now, I would never do

anything to hurt Pootie Tang.



 But like I said, Ireenie knew

how to break a brother down.



- I can't tell you that.

- You can't? All right.



Okay, wait. I'll tell you.



I'll tell you.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you.



It's the belt.

It's the belt.



It's magical.



He can kick anybody's ass

with that damn belt.



Yeah. Give me your money,

you fancy pants bastard...



or I'll stick this

in you deep.




my damie.



Hey, I'm not your damie. Now, give

me your cash. I know you got it.



Hey, I told you to back off!



Pootie, the craziest thing

just happened to me.



I'm in the club, man.

I'm-- Pootie, look out.



Bang! Bang! Bang!




Everything under control?



Kayed a brother, di.



Kayed a brother, di!



I'm a shamey day!



I'm a shamey day!



Oh, it hurts Pootie

to kill a man...



but he knows

he's got to do it.



But it hurts him so bad...



to right those wrongs.



My man Pootie Tang!



Come back

on the bettie tai!



Come back on

the bettie tai!



Come back

on the bettie tai!



Hey, all right, my damie.



Why didn't Trucky tell Pootie that

he told Ireenie all his business?



Just runnin' his mouth.



I guess when you see a man

being brought back from the dead...



you forget shit.



Or maybe you just

a dumb-ass.



 Stop the movie. Remember when

Daddy Tang told little Pootie--



Don't let the ladies

come between you and the belt.



 Well, what Daddy Tang forgot to tell

Pootie was about his only weakness.:






 Even Pootie Tang's belt

was no match for Ireenie.



 You can't beat a ho' with a belt.

They like that shit.



I'm sorry.

Did my cart hit your cart?



I'm so sorry about that.



Did I hurt you?



Oh, what a drag.



Again, I am...



very sorry!



Pootie, will you do

something for me?



Will you do something

for Ireenie?



Sign your pretty name.



Sign it.



Sign it. Sign it.



Sign it.



He signed it.



He signed it.



He signed it. Oh, God.



Signed it?

Nice job, Ireenie.



You're a damn genius, baby.



"I, Pootie Tang, do surrender

to Lecter Corp...



all the rights to

my image and likeness."



Oh, yes, yes.



"I will whole heartedly endorse

all Lecter Corp. products...



and will do my best to convince

the children of the world...



that the above mentioned

are all clean, safe...



and should be bought

and used by all of them."



No, not

the tippi tais, no.



No, no. You are part of the

corporation, just like us.



Thought you could stay

out of it, huh?



Welcome aboard,

Pootie Tang.



Are you looking

for something, my friend?



Are you?

I've got it all now.



Shocking news today as beloved

Pootie Tang has agreed to endorse...



several controversial

products for Lecter Corp....



the infamous

giant corporation.



Yo, fellas, somethin' on the TV

about Pootie Tang.



 Even my kids, man, looked up

to him. You know what I mean?



 They don't even look at Dad

like they look at him.



 But now since he crossed,

man, my little--



 my little man came up to me

the other day and was like...



 "Man, how could he do

that bullshit, man?



 -- that--"

I'm lookin' at him like, "Whoa."



 Pootie Tang has made my children

cry. I'll not support him anymore.



 Lecter Corp. effectively owns

the name Pootie Tang...



 his image and all copyrights

that go along with it.



Mr. Tang agreed to do commercials

endorsing our sneakers...



food products and cigarettes,

whiskey, mace, switchblades...



rat poison.



Mr. Lecter,

can we have a statement--



You know, Biggie Shorty,

I got to say...



I always had a high opinion

of Pootie Tang.



But the way things are going now,

not only has he sold out...



he's scraping

the bottom of the barrel.



Pootie Tang was drugged

by that crazy-ass Ireenie.



- Haven't you been watchin' the film?

- And that's what disturbs me.



He's out there telling kids

not to go to school...



to eat fast food,

to do drugs.



This is not the Pootie Tang I

thought I knew and I used to admire.



- He would never tell kids that.

- You're in denial.



He's out there doing dirt

to his own reputation.



- You don't know Pootie Tang.

- I don't know Pootie Tang?



Believe me,

I know Pootie Tang...



and this is not the Pootie Tang

I thought I knew.



I thought a man of your stature

would have better sense...



than to fall

for no mess like that.



Look, this thing

has all fallen apart.



The man used to be admired

by people of all walks of life.



And you know what?



If the world is gonna fall for

this mess about my Pootie Tang...



then maybe the world

don't deserve Pootie Tang.



What do you think Pootie Tang

needs at this point in his life?



He just needs some

of my good lovin'...



and he will be all right.



- You watch.

- I hope you're right.



- I know I'm right.

- Yeah, we'll see.



- Yeah, we'll see.

- That's right.



- Watch.

- I will.



 Pootie Tang was messed up.



- Punk bitch.

- Sellout.



 - Look at him. Damn, Pootie!

- Get a job, you bum.



 Get it together, man. Pootie

looked like who did it and ran.



 Pootie turned to the only woman

who could help him.



Poor Pootie Tang.



That's all right.

Mama's got you.



That's all right.



Biggie Shorty's

gonna take care of you.



Don't you worry.



Gonna have sex

with you too, you know.






Are you sure you

gotta go, Pootie?






That's a damn shame.



You were the best piece

of man I ever had.



You know, you could just stay here

and live between my bosoms...



for the rest of your life.



Pootie gotta flittie tai,

Biggie Shorty.



Man's gotta do, I suppose.



As long as you gone they can't

make you do no more commercials.



Where you going?



I tell you what. I got a little

farmhouse outside of Greenville.



It was my mama's. It ain't much,

but nobody's livin' there.



You go out there,

find yourself.



But then you come

back to me, okay?



That's a fine tine, baby.



Give me some of that bony ass one

more time before you hit the road.



Man, I hates prison.

Prison sucks.



I reckon it's supposed to.



You got somethin'

for me?



Oh, this some fine dirt.

This is some good dirt.



You know I'm

gonna hook you up.



Man, I hate

these bastards.



They make me shower

every day.



 They never let me get dirty. I need

to be dirty. I'm Dirty Dee, damn it!



You gonna be dirty

again soon. I promise.



It's that Pootie Tang.



It's that Pootie Tang.

He got to be stopped.



I'm the one that's got to stop him.

Pootie goddamn Tang!



 You gonna, you gotta

You gonna, you gotta



Thank you.



 Pootie was headed to the farm.

I wanted to go with him.



- I wanna go with you, brother.

 - Everything was all my fault.



Pootie, everything that happened,

man, it's all my fault.



 - I told that bitch all about him.

- I told this bitch all about you.



 - She just used it against him.

- And she just used it against you.



 - I was sorry.

- I'm sorry, man. I'm so sorry.



 - It was killing me.

- It was killing me.



 - Only did it for the ass.

- Only did it for her ass.



That deri-teri was

all the dinie, huh?



 - I felt like he saved my life.

- Pootie, man, I just feel like...



you saved my life.



 - And I messed his all up.

- Now I messed yours all up.



 - I wanted him to forgive me.

- Can you ever forgive me, man?



You my main damie, man.



Ain't no bad tammie

between us.



 - I wondered if he meant it.

- You mean it?



- I'm a Baino Denny.

 - I wanted to go with him.



Can I go to the farm

with you, brother?






All right! Me and Pootie

going to the farm!



I'm lookin' forward

to this farm life.



Enough of the city for me.



Yeah, this is just

what we need, Pootie.



Live off the fat

of the land, work hard.



Farming, farming, farming.

I can't wait, man.



I cannot wait.



We're gonna milk that cow.



Get all that milk.



Two percent, fat free.



Skim milk. All that, man.

Chocolate milk.



I don't need

no television, cappuccino...



partying all night long.



I'm want some blisters on my hands,

some sweat on my back.



That's what I want.






Oh, man. My pants.

Oh, man! My damn pants.



All right.

Farming, farming, farming.



This is not the thing, man.

This ain't cool, man.



Dirty shoes, dirty pants...



dirty shirt, musty, stinky.



It's hotter than

a camel's hump out here, man.



And mosquitos all over my shirt.

I can't do it, man.



Whose dog is this dog

following me around?



Whose dog is that?

You don't know who dog that is.



That could be anybody's dog.

It's too hot.



You know you're hot.



 I didn't wanna leave Pootie...



 but I wasn't trying to hear

all that survival shit.



 Outback, my ass.

I need conveniences, man.



 On the other hand, Pootie was

lovin' every minute of it.



 He was rejuvenated.

You hear that? Rejuvenated.



 He was "juvenated" before,

lost it...



 and got "juvenated" again.






 And when Pootie planted

his first cornstalk...



 he was happy.



 Too damn happy, if you ask me.

It was just corn.



 But that was just what he needed

to take his mind off his troubles.



Rown on the crowny town.






- Hi, Daddy.

- Not now, Stacy, honey.



There's a new fella here in town.

He's coming in here in a minute.






So? So maybe you can

marry him, that's what so.



Aw, Daddy!



Oh, come on.

Cut that shit out, Stacy.



Here he comes.



Yeah. Hey there.



You got your can

filled all right?



This here is my daughter.






Dillie on...



my damie.



And she's a looker,

ain't she? Huh?



God, you stink.



Thank you.



I wanna talk to you

about Pootie Tang.



You mean Public Enemy Number One

in my world.






We learned that anything

can be addictive.



We took our burgers

and pumped them so full of MSG...



that people can't even

taste real food anymore.



Today American kids don't eat

'cause they're hungry.



They eat 'cause they just gotta

have another Lecter burger.



You see,

I own Pootie's name.



He's mine. I don't need him

to sell my products anymore...



because I've got thousands of them

all over the country.



I'm just gonna give them

the clothes and this training tape.



 And remember, when making

a public appearance...



 Pootie Tang always

struts like this.



Next week we're opening a brand-new

nationwide chain of burger stands.



Pootie's Bad Time Burgers.



In fact, the only thing that

could mess up our little party...



is if the real Pootie

showed up.



But that ain't good enough.



- I want him dead.

- Yeah.



I'd like to put that bitch in the

ground myself, but I ain't magical.



I been tryin' to get

that Pootie for years.



He done jailed or offed all my boys.

All I got left is Froggy.



Nobody know

where Pootie's at.



I know where he's at.



I got people

everywhere, baby.



Nobody can hide

from corporate America.



And as far

as how to beat him...



maybe this will help.






- Hello.

 - Uh-oh. Look at this.



 Remember her? That's Stacy,

the sheriff's daughter.



 He's been trying to get her ass

married since she was    years old.



Hello? Is anybody here?




I'm sorry, l--



Well, I made you a pie...






Do you want the pie?



I know I'm not pretty or...



or sexy.



You probably like a--



a sexy girl, right?






I'm gonna sine your pity

on the runny Kine.



Now, see, that's what makes

Pootie Tang a real hero.



He can't stand by and see a woman

not lovin' herself.



He's gonna put the love in her.



Now, me, I say just give her

a compliment.



Hey, I like your shoes.

Have you been working out?



Girl, what you doin'

with your hair?



But I tell you what...



I'm only gonna buy this hero shit

but so many times.






 back in the big city, all hell

was breaking loose, y'all.



 I'm talking about

drug dealin', drug usin'...



 booty shakin '...



 too much damn TV...



 drinkin', people eating too much,

gettin' all fat and sloppy...



 fightin', kids out of school,

ain't nobody readin'...



 people actin '

a straight damn fool.



 And corporate America

was just lovin' it.



 Look at 'em.

It's a party now.



 Since he left, it just changed.

Everything just went bonkers, man.



 Everybody lost their mind

and whatnot.



 Pootie Tang,

you shouldn't do this.



 You should come back to the city,

where you belong.



 Back on the farm,

the worst happened.



 Pootie Tang's cornstalk died.



 And for the third time

in his life...



 Pootie lost the only thing

that was important to him.



 First his family, then his belt,

and now his corn died.



 Farm life was driving Pootie crazy.



 He must have lost his damn mind.

Look at him.



 Down on his knees,

crying over a piece of corn.



 Not even popcorn.

Regular damn corn.



 Pootie Tang had lost all hope...



 and it was gonna take a miracle

to bring him back.



Up here, Pootie.



Hey, watch the leaves.



- Daddy?

- You damn right I'm your daddy.



Pootie, what you doin'

runnin' away from your problems?



Did I teach you like that?



Hey, don't you mumble, boy!



Pootie, my boy.



Mama Di.



Pootie, you're a good man.

I'm proud of you.



You have so much love in you,

and you can give it like a gift.



Your father was wrong to tell you

to guard it like a secret.



- What was that?

- Shut your mouth!



- Woman!

- You corn-ass fool!



Teach the world

right from wrong...



but love the world

at the same time.



That's the key.



Where's your belt, boy?

You let some girl get your belt.



You let the ladies get your belt.

I knew that would happen.



Now you done lost

all your confidence.



I'll tell you something, ain't

nothing special about that belt.



I bought it at Piggly Wiggly

for    cents.



You don't need that belt 'cause

you got goodness in your heart.



Now you need to go out there

and take that and kick some ass.



Hey, don't you mumble, boy!



Now, go out there,

take that goodness...



and teach the world

right from wrong.



Now git!



I, uh--



I think maybe you and me

got something to talk about, huh?



I, uh--



I understand

you and Stacy there...



got to know each other, huh?



Had yourself

a little time there?






That's terrific!



Well, partner,

when's the wedding, huh?



Like I say...



I sure would be mighty proud

to have you for a son-in-law.



What the hell?



What you doin' way out here?



You know these guys?



I come to call you out,

maggot-eatin' bitch!



You ain't come one,

but many tine tanies.



Well, I gets by with a little help

from my friends.



Now, listen here, fellas,

we don't want no trouble here.



Why don't you just

move on through, huh?



- What up, Hop along?

-Just back off there, young man.



- I'm sheriff of this here county.

 - Damn! Hold up! Hold up!



 Rewind that. Go back. Go back.

Let me see that one more time!



I'm sheriff of this here county.



 Oh! That had to hurt his ass!

I know he's embarrassed.



Slap him like a bitch!



 Ooh, he shouldn't

have done that.



 He done messed around

and got Pootie Tang mad, baby.



 Come on, Pootie!




Where do you think you--



Wait! Hold up!

Hold up, Pootie!



Capa-town, my ass!



Oh, you not so bad now,

are you?



Guess you, um,

slapped him like a bitch, huh?









Like I was sayin'--



 I was searching for Pootie

high and low...



 then I finally remembered

he was at the farm.



 All this time I had been

talking about the farm.



 How the hell did I forget

he was at the damn farm?



 Anyway, I got there

just in the nick of time.



Oh, Pootie, you got to

come back to the city right now.



- What's the dabble, di?

- There's a wedding going on here.



Man, they are using

your face, man.



They're making you sell products

even when you're not there.



I'm talking about cigarettes, man.



And look. Malt liquor?

Pootie Tang malt liquor?



They got all these Pootie-alikes.



You know what I'm saying?

Hawkin' all this shit.



And everybody thinks

it's you, man, really.



Come back to the city and let

everybody know the truth, man.



Come on!



All right, Pootie Tang!



I ain't the marrying type.

I don't make my bed.



I leave the toilet seat up

all the time. I'm a single--



Oh, but she is

a lovely lady though.



Pootie Tang and I are thrilled

to be opening this...



the first Pootie Tang

Bad Time Burger restaurant.



Right, Pootie?



Sa da tay.



 Sa da tay. Got that?



Man, that ain't Pootie Tang.

That's Doodie Tang.



You know,

that ain't Pootie Tang neither.



I know it ain't Pootie Tang!



I just said it ain't Pootie Tang!



It's Doodie Tang!

Shut up!



Sepatown, tipi tais.



There you go.

Sepatown, tipi tais.



- Oh, Christ.

- Hey, that's Pootie Tang.






Don't pay attention to him.

That's nobody.



This is Pootie Tang here.



Yes. I'm Pootie.



Now, clap it up, my hammies.



 Rinatine, my America.



Coola may, my ca--



You think you've solved the problem?

Well, guess again.



See, I got more Pooties

than you, Pootie.



You're not only late,

but you're outnumbered.



And by this time tomorrow, there'll

be so many Pooties out there...



you won't matter.



He ain't alone, Mr. Rich Man.

I'm here too.






Come on.

Let's get out of here.



You looking at my ass?



You bastards

ain't going anyplace!



Bye-bye, Bad Time!



All right!

I got 'em, Pootie!



Pootie Tang is back!



I got to say the nay-no,

my brother.



What will you do now, Pootie?



We're gonna get married.






 And that's the way it went down.



 Pootie Tanggot his man,

and Biggie Shorty got her man.



 But not before she handled

one little piece of business.



 Ireenie left Dick Lecter.



 She now works for the city,

counseling teen-ho's.



 Dick Lecter quit corporate America.



 He is no wan actor appearing

in the touring company...



 of Wesley Snipes'

Murder at       - The Musical.



 Dirty Dee is still dirty

because he is Dirty Dee, damn it!



Man, it is hot today!



Ooh, it's hot out here, man.

It is hot today!



You know, it's hot out.



Yeah, I just said that.

I said it's hot out here, man.



Yeah, you know, it's hot too.



Yeah, that's why I said it, man!

It is hot out here!



I know.

I'm just saying it's hot too.



 Lacey is still

getting on JB's nerves.



 And he's getting on his nerves too.



 And as for me, Trucky--



- Oh, shit! My lasagna!

- What?



Oh, goddamn it, Trucky!



I can't believe you burned

that lasagna again!



Who I look like?

I'm not Chef Boyardee!



You've been burning things

since the day--



You know, that is the longest damn

movie clip I've ever seen.



But then again,

you're Pootie Tang.



Well, sa da tay.



Exactly. Pootie Tang,

it's been biddie having you by.



Bob, I dabe ba samie, my brother.



Cole me on the panny sty.



I'm sorry.

What was that?



Cole-- Cole me

on the panny sty.



What the hell

are you talking about?



Cole me down

on the panny sty?



Oh, cole me down

on the panny sty!



All right! Thank you, Pootie Tang!

Thank you, Pootie!



Oh, I love him!

I love Pootie Tang!



Oh, he's so sexy!

He's so sexy! I love Pootie!



Oh, I love you, Pootie!






Pootie Tang got

three gold records.



Pootie get all the Grammys

because he's Pootie Tang.



- Yes, he's terrific.

- I don't think he's so great.



Uh-oh, girl. Uh-oh, now.

Pootie's got you now.



Pootie about to make

reservations on you now, girl!



Oh, girl,

the red phone is blinkin'!



It's over for you now, baby.

It's over now for you.



You know it's over!



He done got you in the radar, baby.

Pootie got you now, girl!



Red phone ringin', baby!

Red phone ringin'. Red phone--



Man's gotta do, I suppose.



I guess as long as you gone, they

can't make you do no more movies.



- Oh! No more movies.

- Let's do that line again.



I'm gonna sine your pitty

on the runny Kine.



We don't like no trouble

around here, you know.



It's a quiet town.



You look all right, though.



A little weird, though,

ain't ya?



That's my panny, di.






I suppose so.



Yeah, baby,

it's time to get dirty!



I can't hear a word you're saying

'cause I got earplugs in, my man.



But I'm gonna try somethin'.




Boom! That's it.

And everybody run away!



Run, run, run, run, run!



No, Pootie stays!



I'm gonna sine your kitty

on the sepatime.



Baby, I'm gonna sine your pitty...



on the runny...






Man! Pootie Tang

done did it again!



  - - 



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 Pootie is a shot-callin'player

Stackin' nothin' but papers



 - He gets his mack on with flavor

- Always playin'



 When he goes kickin' and clubbin'

or when he's with bb bumpin'



 He knows the ladies

They love him Pootie Tangin'



 And he's got this look in his eyes

like I'm his number one prize



 And yet still he

maintains composure



 So when you're doin' your thing

do it like Pootie Tang



 He hangs for some time

We get to know ya



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin'



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin'



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin'



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 Pootie, you know

you're one in a million



 You speakin'

what you be feelin'



 And now you got me

I'm willin'



 Wanna breathe the air

that you're breathin'



 Shall we tell you the reason

I think I'm what you be needin'



 Come on, baby, let's take a ride

Just wanna be by your side



 Got a feeling like

it's my duty



 To let you share my world

Just wanna be your girl



 'Cause I like the way

you're tangin', Pootie



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 Boy, you kill me



 Ooh, he's Pootie Tangin '



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



 On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right



 If you think

you're Pootie Tangin '



On the dance floor, shake your thing

It's all right, all right

Special help by SergeiK