Prisoner Of Second Avenue Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Prisoner Of Second Avenue script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jack Lemmon movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Prisoner Of Second Avenue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Prisoner Of Second Avenue Script

This is Roger Kelting

with the 9:00 report.

The heat wave rolls on

as the city swelters...

... through its eighth consecutive day

of record temperatures in the upper 90s.

The temperature in Central Park

at 9 a. M...

... is 96 degrees with no relief in sight.



More power blackouts in the city today.



And residents in sections of Queens,

Jackson Heights...



... and the Morrisania section of the Bronx

and Bedford area of Brooklyn...



... have been without any lights

or electricity for    hours.



Wait a minute. Wait!



- Exact change only.

- Well, I'm sorry.



- I didn't wake up with exact change today.

- Off, mister. Let people through.



- Am I supposed to be born with    cents...?

- Off! Off!



Oh, for crying...









Forty-seventh and Madison.



Forty... Forty-seventh and Madison!



- Got any air conditioning up there?

- What?



- Air conditioning!

- Yeah. It's on. Isn't it great?



It's great up there.

Back here it's a coffin.



- Here. Keep    cents for yourself.

- Hey, what?



Keep    cents for yourself!



- It's locked.

- What's the matter?



It's jammed. Open this thing!

I can't breathe...



- Stop kicking. You'll break my cab!

- Well, open...



You're very nervous with the kicking

and banging.



I ain't picking you up again.

I don't like nervous people.



They make me nervous!



- Hey, Mel.

- Hey, Charlie.



- No complaints. How's Edna?

- Who?



- Edna.

- Edna? Oh, fine.



- The girls?

- The girls are fine, I guess.



- They're up at school.

- Are you all right?



You look like you haven't slept

in a week.



- I don't sleep in this weather.

- Hear things are rough in the office.



- Rough. You know, lousy.

- What do you...?



- Excuse me.

- Yeah, it's just the season.



- Things'll get better.

- I hope so.



- Wasn't that your floor?

- No. I'm   .



- That was   .

- Oh, God, I must be dreaming.



I'm lucky I'm in the right building.

I'll get off on this next one. See you.



- What's wrong with the doors?

- We're stuck.



- What?

- It happened yesterday.



- They overload the power.

- We're trapped?



- They know we're here. They'll get it going.

- We should holler for help.



- Press the alarm button.

- Would you press the alarm button?



- I don't think it's working.

- I told you. We should yell for help. Help!



Help! Damn it! Help!



Help. Help.






See you, Mel.






- There's no water.

- Oh, I'm sorry.



Didn't get to fill it.

I was typing letters for Mr. Brockman.



- What's wrong with his secretary?

- She was laid off yesterday.



I'm doubling between you

and Mr. Brockman. That all right?



- Sure. If you think you can handle it.

- I can handle it, all right.



There really hasn't been that much to do

here lately, has there?



I put some vouchers on your desk to sign.



- For what?

- Sandwich you sent out for yesterday.



From now on, no food can be charged

to the company.



- It was an egg salad and Coke, wasn't it?

- Yeah, and a big pickle.



- I put down the pickle.

- Good.



Because I don't want to cause any concern

at the annual stockholders' meeting.



Oh, God.



God, God, God.



- Mel?

- What?



- Can't you sleep?

- If I could sleep...



...would I be here calling God

at  :   in the morning?



- What's the matter?

- Nothing. Nothing.



Something's the matter, Mel.



It's    degrees in here.

Middle of a goddamn heat wave.



- It's    degrees in here.

- Turn the air conditioner off.



Then how do we breathe?

   degrees outside. It's    degrees inside.



- Either way, they're gonna get me.

- Want another blanket?



- I ain't got another.

- I called the superintendent.



He said he'd be up to fix it tomorrow.



Why do they bother printing "high, medium

and low"? Everything is high.



Low is high, medium is high.



One night they'll put it on high

and need a flamethrower to get us out.



- What do you want me to do?

- Go back to sleep.



- I can't sleep when you're tense like this.

- I'm not tense. I'm frozen stiff.



- Are you sure there's nothing else?

- There's nothing else.



Go to sleep, Edna.



Oh, God.



Do you mind if I tell you something?



You were tense when you walked in

the house. You've been tense for a week.



I've seen you when you get this way.

What is it?



It's nothing. I'm tired.



- I'm up, Mel. You might as well tell me.

- Well, I'm telling you it's nothing!



I don't know. It's everything.

It's this apartment.



This building. It's this city.



It's this... Now, listen.



Come listen to this.

Two in the morning.



One car's driving around

in Jackson Heights. We can hear it.



Fourteen stories up, subway's louder

than in the subway.



We're like some kind of an antenna.

Sounds come up here, then out to the city.



- For six years, it never bothered you.

- It's worse now. I don't know why.



I'm getting older, more sensitive

to sounds and...



Two in the morning.

You believe it's still going on next door?



- What's going on?

- You trying to be funny?



- You don't hear that? You must be deaf.

- I must be deaf. I don't hear a thing.



"The beat, beat, beat of the tom-tom

as the jungle shadows fall"?



Or, "the tick-tick-tock of the stately clock

against the wall"?



- You don't hear that?

- Not when you're talking or singing...



...I don't.

- It's those two German airline hostesses.



Every night they got somebody else.

Hockey players, basketball...



Whatever team's in town.



Win or lose, nobody loses

when they wind up there.



Every goddamn...

Somewhere there's a     flying around.



Everybody's serving themselves.

Those broads never leave the apartment.



Holy... Come here.

Come here.



- Tell me you can't hear that.

- Yes. Now I hear it.



Is it any wonder I can't sleep?



Don't sleep next to the wall.

Sleep in the bedroom.



Will you knock it off in there!

It is  -damn-o'clock in the morning!



I cracked the wall!

I barely touched it and I cracked the wall.



Lucky I wasn't hanging a picture.

We could've been killed.



It was starting to crack before.

They're fixing it Monday.



Not Monday. No.

I want that fixed tomorrow.



- Understand?

- I'll tell them.



Mention the air conditioner. And

the window that only opens if it rains.



Then it won't shut till there's a flood.



- And the toilet that's constantly flushing.

- It stops flushing if you jiggle it.



Why should I have to jiggle it?

With the money I'm paying here...


            I have to jiggle every time

I go to the bathroom?



When you're through, tell me.

I'll jiggle it.



You go to bed. I don't want to talk

about jiggling anymore.



Do you hear me?

Please go to sleep.



I can't when I know you're walking around

having an anxiety attack!



I'm not having an anxiety attack.



I'm just a little tense.



Oh, God.



- Why don't you take a Valium?

- I took one.



- Take another one.

- I did. They don't work anymore.



- Two Valiums have to work.

- Tell them. Mine didn't read the instructions.



Oh, don't you ever fly anywhere?

Go keep someone in Europe awake!



Stop. You're really

making me nervous now.



What is wrong? You don't look good.

You look pale. You look...



- Why are you rubbing your stomach?

- I'm not rubbing it. I'm holding it.



- Why are you holding it?

- I don't know!



Indigestion probably,

that crap I had for lunch.



- Where did you eat?

- Health food restaurant.



If you can't eat health food,

what can you eat?



I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

I could use one myself.



Nothing is safe anymore.



I read two white mice

at Columbia University...


            diabetes from eating graham crackers.

It was in The New York Times.



That what's bothering you?



Did you eat graham crackers today?



Food used to be so good.



I used to love food.

I haven't eaten food since I was   .



Tomorrow I'll make you real food.

I remember how they made it.



I haven't had a real piece of bread

for    years.



If I'd known that, I'd have saved

some rolls when I was a kid.



I just can't breathe in here.



Christ, what a stink!



What the...?



Look at that. Fourteen stories,

you can smell the garbage.



Why do they put garbage out

in   -degree heat?



Edna, you want to smell the garbage?



- I smell it.

- You can't smell it from there.



Come here where you can smell it.



- That a ripper?

- You're right.



If you really want to smell it,

you have to stand right here.



Whole country's being buried by garbage,

keeps piling up higher and higher.



- In three years, this will be the second floor.

- What can they do?



Save it for winter?

They gotta throw it out sometime.



That's why they call it garbage.



I can't talk to you.

I can't talk to you anymore!



I'm a human being, same as you.



I get cold, hot. I smell garbage,

I hear noise.



You either live with it or you get out.



If you're a human being, you reserve

the right to complain, to protest.



Give up that right, you cease to exist!



I protest against stinking garbage

and jiggling toilets!



And barking dogs! Now, shut up!

Damn it.



If you're gonna yell at the dog,

I'm gonna go to sleep.



How are you gonna sleep

with a dog screaming like that?



Keep that dog quiet down there.

There's human beings sleeping!



- Christ almighty.

- Shut up, down there!



- We got children up here!

- Why are you yelling at me?



- Want to complain? Keep the dog company.

- Just keep it quiet.



- Will you stop it, for God's sake?

- Stop telling me to stop it!



Now, don't tell me to stop it!



I don't know what's gotten into you,

but don't take it out on me.



If it's too much, take a room at the library!

Don't take it out on me. I'm going to sleep.






Don't go.



Talk to me.



For a few minutes.



I think I'm losing my mind.



What is it, Mel?



I'm unraveling.

I'm losing touch.



Something is happening to me.

I'm losing control.



I can't handle anything. L...



I forgot how to work the water cooler.



I stood there with an empty cup

and water running all over my shoes.



It's not just you.

It's everybody.



- Everybody's feeling tensions these days.

- Oh, tension.



God, if I could feel tension.

When you're tense, you're tight.



You're holding something.

I don't know where to grab.



I'm slipping. I'm scared.



Don't talk like that.



- Now, what about seeing the analyst again?

- Dr. Pake? He's dead.



Six years of my life and $     .



What does he care if he gets

a heart attack?



There are other good doctors.

See someone else.



What's the use? God, I don't know

where I am or who I am.



I'm disappearing, Edna.



I don't need an analyst.

I need lost and found.



- Who could that be?

- What?



I'll get it.



Hello. Yes, this...



Yeah, this is apartment   A,

and what about it?



What? I'm keeping you awake?



Who the hell do you think got me up

to get you up in the first place?



What? Don't tell me you've got a plane

to Stuttgart in the morning.



I'll talk as loud as I want!

This isn't some kind of sublet, you know.



I'm a regular, American, paying tenant!



Think l...



You bang on the wall,

you'll get a bang right back.



- If she bangs, bang back.

- What are you starting it for?



- Will you... Bang back.

- It's  :  . Leave them alone.



- They'll go to sleep.

- Will you bang back?



- If I bang, they'll only bang back at me!

- Will you bang back?



I'll bang. I'll bang.



All right?



Bang back.



Bang back.



Bang back!



Go on!



- Hi, Helen, any calls for me?

- No, Mr. Edison. No calls.



What's wrong?



- Mr. Brockman was fired this morning.

- Jim Brockman? Jesus.



Mr. Durstan called him into his office

about an hour ago.



Guess you'll be sharing me

with Mr. Durstan now.



Yeah, yeah. Sure.



Yes, Mr. Durstan?



Yes. Right away. Yeah.






- Are you all right?

- What?



- What are you doing?

- Just thinking.



- About what?

- Nothing.



That's not possible. If you're thinking,

it's about something.



- Otherwise, you're just staring.

- I was just thinking.



Why don't we relax this weekend?



Your brother Harry invited us

out to the country.



I'm not going.

Four-hour drive each way.



Another four hours listening

to how big his pool is.



A day away from this

might be wonderful for you.



- Fresh air...

- He'll give me breathing lessons.



Every time I go to the country,

Harry gives me breathing lessons.



I told him we'd come.



Then why ask me? Just say

we're going to Harry's on Sunday...


            look at his pool

and learn how to breathe.



We're going to Harry's on Sunday to look

at his pool and learn how to breathe.



Christ, I forgot about those dogs.

They're killers.



Oh, they're not.

They're sweet like their own kids.



I'm afraid of their kids too.



- Hello.

- Here they are.



- Hello! Hello!

- Welcome to the country, city folks.



- Hello. Hello.

- How are you?



- Harry. Harry!

- Hello, Harry.



Oh, Harry!



Be careful.

There's some poison ivy around here.



- Why are we walking here?

- Because it's beautiful.



This is all my property we're walking on.

These are my bushes, my trees, my earth.



- These your mosquitoes?

- Gnats. They're not mosquitoes.



- Gnats?

- We don't have mosquitoes.



I'm glad they're just gnats.

They don't bother you, huh?



They don't bother me,

I don't bother them.



- They bother people from the city.

- Is that poison ivy?



- Where?

- Right there.



No, no, no. That's weeds.

That's just weeds.



Where you're standing is poison ivy.



Organic. This is all organic.



You don't get organic vegetables

in the city, do you?



I don't know what it is. I boil it, we eat it,

I throw the paper away and we feel rotten.



Well, of course.

I'm gonna teach you to grow vegetables.



You can do it on your terrace.



Now, first thing you have to learn...


            to get yourself into the soil.



Come on, now.

Just get right into the soil.



It's wonderful.



- Feel like a little swim, Mel, huh?

- Maybe later.



Maybe later, a little swim.

How big you think that pool is, Mel?



- Go on. Take a guess.

- You told me last time.



It's    by   .



Fifty by   . I had it enlarged.



I could get     people in there.



You really want to, Harry?



You're upset about something.



You look pale, Mel, tired. You should have

come out here weeks ago.



- You okay, kid?

- Harry, I'm   . I'm hardly a kid anymore.



I'm    and I feel like a kid.

I have ever since I moved out of the city.



Breathe that air in.

Fill your lungs.



- It'll stay with you a week.

- I'll do it before we go. It'll last longer.



I've got the lungs of a   -year-old boy.

I've got the x-rays inside.



You want to see them?



Maybe after lunch.



After lunch.



How long have I tried to get you

to move to the country?



Fresh air, low crime rate.



In two years,

we've had only four burglaries...



...two attempted rapes

and one completed rape.



Give me the country anytime.



Don't lie there.

We just had manure put down.



Well, listen, tell me about the girls.

Do they like college?



Karen seems very happy.



Maggie, I don't know about.

She never writes.



Come on. Try it.



Up and down.



Up and down, never sideways.



Never sideways.

Okay, I'll try to remember.



What do you do with yourself

now that the girls are gone?



- It must be very lonely for you.

- It is sometimes.



I've thought about going back to work...



...but I like to be home

when Mel gets there.



Up and down.

Up and down, never sideways.



Can I ask you something personal?

After all, I'm your brother for    years.



- Forty-eight. You had seven on your own.

- Fifty-five,    what's the difference?



I think something's wrong.

I think you got some kind of trouble.



I'm not blind.

You're not enjoying yourself.



I've been here three hours. I've got

poison ivy, I'm chewed up by gnats...



...I laid in manure

and your dog piddled on my car.



So I haven't really had a hell of a lot

of time for rural ecstasy.



I can tell by the way you put

that Scotch away.



- Something is very wrong.

- Nothing is...



I'd like to know

so that maybe I can help you.



What is it? Trouble with Edna?

Another woman?



Edna's the only damn thing

I can depend on.



Then you got no troubles.



You're happy with your wife,

got your health, got no trouble.



I got fired, Harry.



All right. You got a problem,

but not trouble.



Good. For a minute there,

I was worried.



I'm not saying it's wonderful news, but

it's not the end of the world. Don't panic.



When the littlest thing would happen,

you'd panic. Am I right?



Oh, you're right. Every time I lose a job

after    years, I panic.



You were   years old.

Look how you were crying.



Look how you panicked.

Look how calm I am.



Look how you didn't have

to get on the damn pony.



I was on plenty of ponies in my time.



Bigger ponies than this.



I was the breadwinner.

Don't forget that.



- I have never forgotten the bread.

- But I never panicked.



I always tried to examine the situation




You always fell apart.

You were that way in the crib.



- Remember that?

- Distinctly.



I remember panicking in the crib.

You sat in the highchair...



...figured it out intelligently.



Why? What was the reason they gave?



- You worked there over    years.

- They lost $  million last year...



...and   the year before.

They're looking to save pennies.



The vice president of my department

used the same paper clip for six months.



Nobody came to work late anymore.



They were afraid somebody

would sell your desk.



In other words, you saw it coming.



All right.



You know what you can do, don't you?

Come in with me.



Thank you, Harry. No offense,

I'm not cut out for the chandelier business.



Lighting fixtures, not just chandeliers.

Lighting fixtures!



And don't knock it.



Could we turn all of this off?

It looks like a night game at Shea Stadium.



And what did Edna say

when you told her?



- Nothing.

- Isn't that something? No tears, no panic.



I knew it.

She's got a lot of strength, that girl.



- I didn't tell her, Harry.

- Oh, my God, I wonder how she'll take it.



Why do you think I slept two minutes

in six weeks? I keep waiting...



...for something to turn up.

- Tell her, Mel.



Tell her.

Don't bear this burden by yourself.



It helps to share it with other people.



- I told you, and I don't feel any better.

- I'm not your wife.



This is something you have to share

with your wife.



What's something you share

with your wife?






How would you like your steaks?












What were you talking about so long

with Harry?



I don't know. I never listen

when I'm talking to Harry.



Talk to me, Mel.

I'm a good listener.



- Edna.

- Yes, Mel?



Get a dollar for the toll.



This is Dan Raller

with news on the hour.



It's  :   and the temperature

is    degrees.



A member of the Albanian Diplomatic Corps

was mugged today in Central Park...



... despite the fact that two patrolmen

were only     yards away.



The Albanian claimed he screamed loudly

for two minutes.



But unfortunately did not know

the English word for "help."



Good afternoon.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



Oh, my God.



Oh, my God.



Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.



Oh, my God!



    East   th Street, apartment   A.

Corner of Second Avenue.



I don't know yet.

The television, some jewelry...



...liquor, clothing.

Lots of clothing.



All my dresses, my coats.



All of my husband's suits.

There's not a thing left in his closet.



Well, could you send somebody

right away?



I'm all alone here.



Thank you.






Valium. I need a Valium.






Mel, it's you.



Didn't Mildred come to clean today?



Not today. Mondays and Thursdays.



Well, what the hell happened here?

Why is this place such a mess?



We've been robbed.



What do you mean, robbed?



Robbed. Robbed.



What does rob mean?

They come in, they take things out.



They used to be yours,

now they're theirs.



We've been robbed!



I don't understand.

Someone walked in and robbed us?



You think they made an appointment?

We've been robbed!



Calm down. Take it easy.

I'm asking one simple question.



- What did they get?

- I don't know yet.



I was shopping.

I was only gone five minutes...



You couldn't have been gone five minutes.




Five minutes. That's all.



It took the Santini brothers two days

to move everything in.



How could junkies move it out

in five minutes?



It's a special talent.



When you came back

did you notice anybody suspicious?



- Everyone in this building is suspicious.

- Did you notice anybody leaving...



...with bundles or packages?

- Three guys in the elevator.



How should I know it was our television?



They took the television.

A brand-new color television.



- You saw them and didn't say anything?

- Should I have made a citizen's arrest?



I had bundles in my arms.

I didn't know it was ours!



Could you describe them to the police?



I didn't notice.

I'm not Bulldog Drummond.



- What do you want from me?

- Sit. I'll get you a Scotch. It'll calm you.



- It won't calm me down. They took it.

- My Chivas Regal too?



No, they're gonna take cheap Scotch,

not the Chivas.



They took it all.

They cleaned us out!



Sons of bitches.

Sons of bitches.



Sons of bitches!



Dirty rotten bastards!



You heard me!



Must've been gorillas to lift all that

in five minutes. Sons of bitches.



- Stop swearing. I just called the police.

- Did you call the police?



- Didn't I say that?

- Tell them we were robbed?



Why else would I call them?



- What kind of questions are you asking?

- Calm down. You're hysterical!



- I am not.

- You're hysterical.



You're making me hysterical.



Don't you realize my house

has been robbed?



What am I, a boarder?

My house has just been robbed too.



My Scotch, my television are missing too.



- You didn't walk in and find it.

- What is the difference who found it?



There's still nothing to drink or watch.



Oh, my God.



They found my kitchen money too.



What kitchen money?



I kept my kitchen money in here.



- Eighty-six dollars.

- In cash?



Why do you keep cash in the book?



So no one will find it.



- Where else am I gonna keep it?

- Okay, it's all right. It's all right.



As long as you're all right.

As long as you weren't hurt.



Imagine if I'd walked in

and found them, Mel.



- What would I have done?

- You were very lucky.



- But what would I have done?

- What's the difference?



You didn't find them.



But supposing I did.

What would I have done?



You'd say "Excuse me,"

close the door and come back later.



What would you do, sit and watch?

Why do you ask me such questions?



Look. The lock isn't busted,

it isn't jimmied.



I can't figure out

how they even got in here.



Maybe they found my key in the street.



If you didn't have your key, how were

you gonna get back in the house?



I left the door op...



You left the door open.



Well, what was I supposed to do,

take the furniture with me?



I was only gone five minutes.



How did they know I was

gonna leave the door open?



They know.

A door opens, doesn't lock...



...the whole junkie world lights up:

"Door open,   th floor...



...  th and Second Avenue." They know.



I didn't think they'd try my door

while I was out.



- I gambled, I lost.

- What kind of gamble is that?



You lose, they get everything.

You win, they rob somebody else.



I had to shop. There was nothing to eat.



Now you got something to eat

and nothing to eat it with.



Why didn't you call up

and have them send it?



I shop in a cheap store

that doesn't deliver.



I've been trying to save us money

because you got me so worried.



I saved us $  .   with green stamps

and no delivery charge.



- What are you doing?

- We can't leave it. I want to clean up.






- It's a mess. People are coming.

- The police.



You're gonna clean for them? Afraid

they'll put down "bad housekeeper"?



Leave it, maybe they'll find a clue.



- Where you going?

- In the bedroom.



- I'm wringing wet and I'm gonna change.

- Don't change.



You look fine to me.



Well, thank you. I'm still wringing wet.



Where are my seven suits,

three sport coats and five pair of slacks?



That's what you had,

that's what they got.



- I'm lucky my tuxedo's in the cleaners.

- They sent it back this morning.



Boy, they did a good job!

Oh, they cleaned me out!



They left me with a pair of khaki pants

and a golf cap! The dirty bastards!



Mel, it's just things.



Just some old coats and suits.

We can replace them.



- We'll buy new ones.

- With what? With what, Edna? They fi...



They fired me.



Oh, my God, don't tell me...



Hell, I'm telling you. They fired me.



Oh, Mel.



I'm so sorry.



I'll be all right.



- Don't worry. I'll be all right.

- I know you will.



- I'll find another job.

- Of course you will.



You'll take down the living room drapes,

make me a suit, and I'll look for another job.



We'll be all right. We will.



It's not the end of the world.

We can move away.



- We don't have to live here.

- Why should we move?



I still have value. I still have worth!



I know.



What kind of a life is this,

living like caged animals...


            a Second Avenue zoo that's too cold

and too hot?



Overcharged for a growth

they call a terrace?



Is this a worthwhile life?

Banging on walls and jiggling toilets?



Where the hell do you want to move to?



Maine, Vermont, Oregon?



Unemployed lumberjacks are sawing legs

off chairs because they have nothing to do.



Don't you understand, I'd go anywhere

with you so long as you were happy.



We could move to Europe, Spain. Two

people can live on $      a year in Spain.



Spanish people!



I need a drink.

Let's go somewhere and get a drink.



- There's beer in the fridge.

- They didn't look there?



That's good to know. We can keep

the clothes in there from now on.



- Mr. Edison?

- Yeah. Come on in.



I'd offer you fellows a drink,

but I'm afraid you're a little late.



Did you hear that detective?



There was     robberies

in the city today,    .



That means they gotta solve    

before I get my suede shoes back.



Maybe they will. They have

a description of everything we lost.






All I gotta do is find three guys

dressed the way I used to dress.



The stuff is gone.



It galls me that this winter, three junkies

will be warmer than me.



Come on. Let's get out of here.



Oh, sweetheart, it's so rotten.



To get fired and come home and find your

house has been robbed on the same day.



I wasn't fired today.

That happened Thursday.



Bottle of Chivas Regal.



- Last Thursday?

- Yeah.



You've known for four days

and haven't said a word?



I didn't know how.

I couldn't work up my courage.



I was hoping a miracle would happen,

another job would come along.



Miracles don't happen when you're   .



When Moses saw the burning bush,

he was       the most, never   .



- Hello? We're back.

- Mel, don't do that. You're scaring me.



Dinner is served.



Edna, we have to get out.



- I'll go wherever you want.

- I don't mean out of here...



...out of obligations.

Things we don't need that are choking us.



I'm gonna quit the gym.

I don't need a gym for any $    a year.



I'll run around the bedroom.



Only way to keep warm in there anyway.



And look at this.



$ .   for a musical whiskey pourer.



Toys, novelties...


           's garbage. It's crap.



- Horseshit!

- No more. We'll never buy another thing.



Why did I give them    years of my life?

What for?



A musical whiskey pourer? It's my

life that's been poured down the drain.



Where's the music?

Where's a cute little tune?



They kick you out after    years,

they ought to have a brass band.



Don't get upset.

You're gonna get sick.



You know where my music is? There it is.

It's playing on the other side of that wall!



And it...



There's my music at the end of twen...



What is it?



What's the matter?



Pains in my chest. Don't worry,

it's nothing. It's not a heart attack.



What do you mean?

Why do you say that?



It's not a heart attack,

it's chest pains.



- Why you having pains in your chest?

- Because I don't have a job.



Because I don't have a suit.

Because I'm having a breakdown...



...and they didn't leave me decent pajamas.



Bastards. You bastards!



- You dirty rotten bastards!

- Shut up, down there!



- We got children up here.

- Don't yell at me. They took everything!



Left me with a damn pair of pants

and a golf hat.



There are children up here.

Are you drunk or something?



Drunk, drunk on what?

They took the liquor.



You worried about your children,

lock them in a closet.



Don't you have any respect

for anybody else?



Respect? Yes, I've got respect.

For my ass!



That's what I respect.

That's all anybody respects.



Respect my ass!



Oh, my God, Mel.



Oh, my God.



That's a terrible thing to do.

That is a mean, terrible thing to do.



God will punish you for that.



I apologize for my husband's language,

but God will punish you for that!



It's all right, Mel.

It's all right, baby.



Terrible thing to do to a person.

I wouldn't do that to anyone.



Never. You're too good.



You're too decent.



It's gonna be all right. I promise.

You'll find another job. You'll see.



You know what we could do, Mel?



You're so good with kids.



I mean, you love being around them.

We could start a summer camp.



You could be the head, I would cook...



...and the girls could

be the swimming and riding instructors.



You'd like that, wouldn't you, Mel?



All we have to do

is just save some money.



Even if you don't get

another job right away...



...I can always work. I'm strong.



But you mustn't get sick.



You mustn't get sick and die.



Because I don't want to live

in this world without you.



I don't want you

to leave me alone here, Mel.



I don't like it here.



We'll show them.



We'll show them all.



- Wayne, this is the lady you were expecting.

- Edna Reale?



- No. It's Edison now.

- I'm Wayne Morgan. Thank you, Jack.



Cooperman told me you were a hell

of a production assistant in your day.



Yeah, in my day. Well, what am I in for?



Easiest job in the world.

Just give up your home life.



Will you sit here?

We're having a reading now.



- We'll need a breakdown tonight.

- Tonight?



- Sorry.

- That's show biz.



Fine, Ed. Fine. Ed...



...I thought I'd take you up on that

offer you made to have lunch sometime.



You always said you wished you

had a man like me with the company.



After the   th?

Swell, I'll give you a call.



After the   th. Right.



Right. Yeah.



Name, please?



Edison. It's right there on the card.



And how long have you

been unemployed, Mr. Edison?



- Ten weeks now.

- Ten weeks, was that?



Monday will mark the   th anniversary

of my unemployment.



Have you been looking for employment

in the past week...?



I've been looking in the past week.



I've been looking for the past

   weeks now. That's why I'm here.



- Have you turned down any employment...?

- Have I turned down any employment...?



I haven't turned down any employment.

Why should I?



Why do you always...?



If I'm coming here every week,

why would I turn down employment?



- That's why I'm unemployed, for Christ...

- Then the answer is no.



Right. Yes. No. That's the answer.

Write down no. No.



Twenty-two off.



Eighteen off.



- Twelve on.

- Twelve on.






Mel, I'm home.



Hi, love. How are you?



We need a shave, don't we?



You must be starved. I just couldn't

get out of the studio before  :  .



They're still there working.



I told them I just couldn't stay.



I got us a cheese soufflé. It'll only take

a couple of minutes to heat it up again.



I brought you Sports Illustrated.



There's a terrific story about the Knicks.

He thought you might get a kick out of it.



Here you are.

Everybody's working like crazy...



...hoping we can finish

this Christmas show before the weekend.



Otherwise, we may have to go in.



I'm just not going.



I mean, I see you little enough as it is.



Oh, boy.



Oh, that's good.



That's the first food

I've had since yesterday...



...that wasn't from a vending machine.



Sit down. Have dinner and talk to me.



I don't have the energy

to talk when I get home.



I don't know how I do it.

I've been saving energy...



...for the past    years.



How are you, sweetheart?

You feeling all right?






You feel all right?



You don't feel like talking?



Come on, Mel. I haven't seen you

since breakfast yesterday...



...and I'm gonna be fast asleep

in    minutes.



Talk to me. What did you do today?



I took a walk.



- Good. Where?

- From the bedroom into the living room.



- That's all?

- Then I walked back into the bedroom.



Once I went into the kitchen

for a glass of water.



I'd say that was my high peak

of the day.



Okay, you don't feel like talking...



Want to hear about my morning?



- It's all right.

- I looked outside three times...



...I listened to the radio...



...and I went to the toilet.



Which is still flushing,

but I didn't jiggle it...



...because I know you like

to do that when you come home.



You didn't sleep well again last night.



Was last night the night before

this morning? I get them mixed up.



My life is so busy.



I thought you were gonna

take a walk in the park.



There's no place left for me to walk.

I know every path and bridge and stone.



I know every squirrel in the park

and I know where they all bury their nuts.



Maybe tomorrow I can sneak an hour off,

and we can have lunch...


            the zoo.

- I've been to the zoo every day for    days.



Every time I pass the monkeys,

they say, "He's here again."



Give me the fork.



- Did anyone call?

- Your mother. We exchanged recipes.



Anyone else?



I'm not an answering service.



You want me to answer the phone,

hire me, I could use the work.



I take it then there was nothing

in the paper today.



- About what?

- About a job!



Well, certainly, Edna.



There's lots of jobs.

Cooks, dishwashers, male nurses.



Delta is looking for hostesses...



...but I don't wanna be away from home

that much.



Do you want me to give up my job

and hang around the house with you?



I think this arrangement is fine.

You've been so nice to me.



Pay the rent, buy the food,

bought me a new sports jacket.



Who knows, maybe next year you'll

take me to Hawaii for our anniversary.



- Stop torturing yourself.

- I don't have to torture myself.



I got a lot of help.



Dogs and flushing toilets.



The Red Baron's two sisters in there.



- What time would you like breakfast?

- Will you stop it?



It's no problem. I mean I'm up...



...l've got eggs, and I steal

the milk from the people next door.



And if I'm real quick,

I can get The New York Times too.



We'll talk when you're in a better mood.



I'm just trying to contribute, Edna.



Just trying to do my share. I don't know.



This is Charles Tracker

and the   a.m. News.



"We won't go back to work"

was the cry...



... of    state and federal judges




... defying the court order

of Judge Ackerman.



Speaking for the striking judges, Judge

Precona told this to Bethesda Wayne:



"We will not go back to work and

we ain't working until this gets settled. "



I'll get some coffee down at the office.



- I'll try to be home early.

- Don't work too hard, dear.



Leave me some quarters for the Laundromat.

I've got so much wash to do today.



Please, let's not start

the day out like this.



Here's something interesting.

"Maurice Le Pew in Queens."



He wants a hairstylist.

Maybe I'll practice on you tonight...



...and if you don't go bald,

I'll give him a call tomorrow.



- You know what I'd suggest?

- What would you suggest, Edna?



I suggest you get a tight grip on

yourself or find somebody to help you.



I don't need any help.

I'm retired. I got it made.



You know what I mean.



Medical help. A doctor.



Someone who can straighten you out...



...because I'm running out

of energy and patience.



You have enough for Mr. Cooperman!



And what does that mean?



What does that mean?



It just means you seem to have enough

patience and energy for Mr. Cooperman.



Lots of laughs down

at the office, right?



Listen, I know what goes on down there.

I used to be one of the boys too.



Oh, yeah?

Well, I am not one of the girls.



How come you get home

at   or  :  ...



...when everybody knows

that no one works past   anymore?



- I work past  ...

- Where, at Charley O's bar?



I understand. Just a little drink to unwind

before coming home to face the little man.



- I don't believe this.

- You used to when I came home at  .



Mel, I think we better have

a long talk tonight...



...a long, serious talk.



My begonias are coming up beautifully.



Well, that's because Daddy's here

to take such nice care of them.



Gently, gently.



Gently, gently.



Very gently.



- Help you, Mr. Edison?

- Don't touch it.



Come here.



Here, here.



- You know the guy in   B?

-   B?



-   B. The floor right above me.

- Above you? Mr. Jacoby.






- What time does he get home from work?

- About  :  .



About or exactly?



- Usually about  .

- About  .



- Why?

- Nothing, nothing. It's perfect, perfect.



- Want me to give a message?

- No, I'll give him the message.



I got my own message.



Look, I'm very tired. Would you mind

trying your perversions on someone else?



- What's funny?

- Nothing. Nothing's funny.



Then why are you laughing?



Private joke.



You're not gonna tell me, Mel?



- I could use a good laugh.

- When the time comes.



When the time comes.



- Mel, you're staring at me.

- Well, I'm sorry.



- What is it?

- Am I allowed to turn back now?



- Yes, you may turn back now.

- What was your question, Edna?



It's the same as every night, every meal,

every time we're together.



- What's wrong?

- Do you feel something is wrong?



Yes. I think you're miserable and tormented

because you're out of work.



- Now, that's it, isn't it?

- Only part...



...Edna, only part of it. Now, you tell me,

why do you think I'm out of work?



I don't know why.



- Because you can't find a decent job.

- That's why? That's why?



You haven't the slightest inkling

of what's really going on, do you?



You are so naive, it's ridiculous.



- Mel, what are you talking about?

- You have no suspicion of the truth.



- What truth are you talking about?

- I'm talking about the plot, Edna, the plot.



- What plot, Mel?

- "What plot, Mel?"



What plot? I'm talking about the plot,

and all you can say is, "What plot, Mel?"



You say there's a plot.

I don't know what you mean.



- So all I can say is, "What plot, Mel?"

- "What plot, Mel?" There. Jesus.



What plot? What plot?



A social, economic and political plot

to undermine the working classes...



...of this country.



Oh, that plot.



Yes, that plot.



You know, instead of rushing downtown

every morning, stay home.



Listen to the radio,

find out what's going on.



Listen to the talk shows, you'll find

out what's going on.



- Well, what's going on in this country?

- If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you.



Mel, I'm your wife. You can tell me.



If you're too lazy, ignorant

and uninformed...


            find out what is going on...



...then you deserve exactly what

you're gonna get. All of you.



Mel, would you like some

caramel custard?



Come here.



Now, I'm gonna tell you something,

and it may frighten you.



Sit down.



Not here! In there.



Away from the wall.



There is a plot going on

in this country.



Very complicated, very sophisticated!

It's practically invisible!



And maybe only a handful of people

in this whole country know about it.



- And they told it on the radio?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.



- Then everyone heard it.

- Well, did you hear it?



- No.

- Then maybe everybody didn't.



Who's listening to a radio at   :   in

the morning? They're all working. I heard it.



And as sure as you are sitting here

in this room...



...there is a plot going on

in this country today.



- Against whom?

- Against me!



- The whole country?

- Well, not against me personally.



But they're after you, our kids,

my family, every one of our friends.



They're after the cops, hippies,

the government, women's lib...



...the blacks, the fag, the whole

military complex and even more.



Who? You mentioned everybody,

there's no one left.



Oh, baby, there's someone left,

all right.



Would you like me to give you actual

indisputable proof...



...that  . % of the working class

of this country is unemployed...



...and not because of a recession

or wages and high prices...



...but because of a well-organized,

calculated, brilliantly-conceived plot?



Would you like me to give you proof

right here and now?



- Okay.

- I can't give you any proof!



What the hell proof have I got? I can't

work. That's my proof! They won't let me!



Mel, who's behind the plot?



Is it the kids? The addicts?

The Army? The Navy?



- The book-of-the-month club? Who?

- It is the human race!



The deterioration of the spirit of man.



Man undermining himself,

causing a self-willed, self-imposed...



...self-evident self-destruction.

That's who it is.



- The human race, Mel?

- Yes.



The human race is responsible

for the unemployment?



You're surprised, aren't you?



I never would have guessed.



All the time, I kept thinking

it was somebody else.



Don't mock me.

Damn it! Don't do that to me!



Don't patronize me

and don't mock me!



- I wasn't mocking you.

- You don't understand the first thing...



...l'm talking about. You don't know

what it is to be in my place...


            stand in an unemployment line.



You've never walked into your building and

had an idiot doorman with beer breath...



...giggling at you

because he's working.



You've never stood on your terrace and

been hit in the head with a bucket of water.



And I haven't forgotten that son of a bitch!

I haven't forgotten you!



- You son of a bitch!

- Mel.



- Mel, listen to me...

- He thinks I don't know what he looks like.



- I know what he looks like.

- I want you to see a doctor right away.



Hell, I know what they all look like!

Got their faces engraved in my brain.



Someone gave me the name

of a doctor.



He knows about people who are going

through exactly what you're going through.



- I'm gonna call.

- They can take your clothes...



...your Chivas Regal, your television,

your job, but they can't take your brains.



And that's my secret weapon,

my brains.



And the snow! The snow.

God, I pray that it snows tomorrow.



I bought a snow shovel, Edna.




I'm gonna take the day off

and take you myself.



- Hello, this is Mrs. Edna...

- And not a little snow shovel.



One of those great big shovels!

You know, the kind they use at airports.



Oh, I'll go without my shoes this winter,

but I'm not going without my shovel!



I'll bury him so deep,

they'll have to salt him out.



He gets home at  :  . I checked

with the doorman. I gave him a $  tip.



I know what time you get home,

you mother!



- Hey! Try using the service entrance!

- It's very important.



- I got that blocked off too.

- Please, please, right away. Yes.



Have you any idea, any conception

of the impact...



...of two pounds of wet, solid, packed snow

falling from    floors?



They'll find him in the basement.

In the garage, bastard!



And I know what you look like!



Yes. Well, it's very difficult

to talk about on the phone.



No, it isn't for me.

It's for my...



If it doesn't snow this winter,

I wait till next.



My husband.



Because I'm in no hurry, smart-ass!



- No, no.

- Nothing but time.



No! No, not Wednesday! This is

an emergency! Didn't you hear that guy?



This is the news with Dan Roland.

In a midtown hotel today...



... following a convention

of the National Psychiatric Society...



...    of the leading psychiatrists

in the United States were trapped...



... in an elevator for over    minutes.



Panic broke out, and    of the doctors

were treated for hysteria.



- I had a dream last night.

- Yes.



And in the dream, I was in bed,

but I couldn't sleep, but I was sleeping.



- Yes.

- All right, now what does that mean?



- Well, what does it mean to you?

- I don't know. It mean anything to you?



It's more important to know

what it means to you.



Oh, yeah.

Oh, I don't know, I'm not sure.



But I remember when I was a kid...



...I used to sleep with my brother Harry

when I was   or  .



One night, I woke up, I looked at Harry,

and it suddenly occurred to me...



- Sorry, your time is up.

- Jesus!



This is Roger Kelting

and the  :   news.



A Polish freighter,

the     -ton Majorsky...



... sailed into New York Harbor

in a dense fog at   a.m. This morning...



... and crashed

into the Statue of Liberty.



Two seamen were injured.



Electrical damage caused flickering

in Miss Liberty's torch.



It was the first recorded maritime accident

involving the famed statue...



... although the Polish freighter

had been in six previous sea collisions.



It's    to  :  .

Can we talk business, please?



I gotta get back to work, Edna's waiting.

Can we settle this quickly?



- What are we gonna do?

- About what?



About what. About the Suez Canal!

What are we here for?



What did Pearl come from Lakewood for?

Our brother!



Our sick brother

who had a nervous breakdown!



Every time I hear it...



What are you crying for now?

You've known for a week.



Harry, let her cry if she wants.

She came all the way from Lakewood.



All right, let's face the facts.

Mel needs help.



- Who else would he go to but his family?

- You're right, Harry, who else?



All right, this is my suggestion:



We make Mel a loan.



We all chip in X number of dollars

a week.



He gets a job again,

then he can pay us back.



Now, that's my suggestion,

what do you all think?



How much is "X number of dollars"?






X is X.



Is X.



I mean, is it a big X or a little X?



It's not even an X. It's a blank

until we fill in X with a figure.



That's right, it's a blank.



I'm not complaining.

We have to do the right thing.



But when you say it like that, it sounds

like a lot. I have limited capital, you know.



Do you have unlimited capital?



I wish I did. I'd give Mel

X number of dollars in a minute.



Forget X!



Forget I ever mentioned X.



The biggest expense

is gonna be the doctor, right?



You mean a fancy psychiatrist.



I'm beginning to see what X

is gonna come to.



Maybe it's not even

a nervous breakdown.



Doctors can be wrong too.



They took out all my top teeth,

then found out it was kidney stones.



Correct me if I'm wrong,

but when Mel was a tiny baby...



...didn't you think his head

was too large for his body?



Mel? Mel had a beautiful head.



I'm not saying it wasn't.

I'm saying it was too large for his body.



It always kept falling over to one side.



I can't believe what I'm listening to.



You're     years old

between the two of you...



...and neither one of you

makes any sense!



Let's go to Edna's, please!



Gotta get this settled before we go up.

We've all got to agree.



Now, the most important thing

is that Mel gets well. Agreed?






The only way he's gonna get well is

he doesn't worry about doctor bills. Agreed?



- Agreed.

- We see this to the end...



...if it takes a week, a month, a year

or even five years. Agreed?



Okay, we got a disagreement.



Now, Edna, dear...



...we know it's gonna take time

and it's gonna take money...



...and that's why we're here.

- And I really appreciate your coming.



It's all right, just tell us how much

you think the bills will come to.



That's very generous, but I couldn't

let you. Mel wouldn't let me.



Don't be ridiculous.

Where are you gonna get money, a bank?



You can't put up a nervous breakdown

as collateral.



But I have no idea how long

Mel will be in treatment.



I mean, it may run as high

as $  -     .



- Can I say something to you in private?

- We don't need any private discussions.



Just found out what X is.



Now, look, you and Pearl can put up

whatever you think you can afford!



I'll make up the deficit!

If it's    if it's    if it's      ...



...l'll see that it's taken care of as long

as Mel gets the best medical treatment.



That's all I'm gonna say.



I'm speechless.



- I don't know what to say.

- Nothing. You don't say nothing.



We just wanna do the right thing.



I know none of us have been very close

the last few years.



Nine. Nine years was the last time

we were invited.



- Has it been that long?

- Nine.



Well, I suppose it's been my fault.



Anyway, I appreciate this

more than you can imagine...



...but we really don't need it.

- Of course you need it, don't be ridiculous.



No, over the years we've managed

to save something.



- And I have jewelry I can sell.

- You're not selling your jewelry.



Maybe she doesn't wear it anymore.

Let the woman talk.



Mel can cash in his insurance policy,

and I have my job.



I can manage whatever

the medical expenses come to.



But if you really wanna help...



...what I'm worried about

is Mel's future.



We all are, darling.



It isn't easy for a man Mel's age

to get a job, start all over again.



If he knew lighting fixtures,

I'd take him in a minute.



Certainly, my God.



If he could get out of New York

and move to the country somewhere...



...he'd be    % better off.

- I agree with you     %.



I was thinking of a summer camp.

Mel is so wonderful with kids and sports.



There's a lovely place in Vermont

that's for sale.



We could have it for next summer.



Don't you think Mel

would be better off there?



Again,     %.



They want $      down.



So instead of giving it to us for the doctor,

will you lend it to us for the camp?



- $      for a summer camp.

- The price is       .



A hundred...?



A hundred thousand dollars

for a summer camp?



Run by a man that far away

from a nervous breakdown?



Lt'll take him till August to figure out

how to blow up the volleyball!



I thought you wanted

to do something, help him.



- We do wanna help him!

- Then help him!



Not when he's sick.

When he's better, we'll help him.



Is that how the rest of you feel?

Do you both agree with Harry?



I'm not familiar with Vermont.



I'd have to go up and see it first...



...but I can't travel with my leg.



All right, forget it.



Forget the money. We don't need it.

We'll do without it very nicely, thank you.



I'm surprised you even offered.



It's good to know that the minute

Mel is completely recovered...



...that I can count on you for help!

That's just when we'll need it!



Please excuse me,

I have to get back to the office.



And in case I don't see you for another nine

years, I'll get you some homemade cookies!



Mel made them.



Hello, darling. How did it go?



Fine. We had a good session today.



Could I have some water?

My mouth is very dry from the pills.



- Of course. Sit down. Did you walk home?

- I walked home.



- I had a nice walk. Hello, Harry.

- Hello, Mel.



- How you feeling?

- My mouth's a little dry.



I'm under sedation.

It calms me down. I feel fine.



Good. Good!



Look who's here, Mel.

Pearl and Pauline.



Hello, darling.



How are you, baby?



My mouth's a little dry. I'm under sedation.

It quiets me down. I feel fine.



- Certainly.

- Of course, dear.



You look wonderful, Mel.



I walked home. Oh, I had a nice walk.

My mouth's a little dry, from the pills.



- Edna's getting you water, dear.

- Here you are, darling.



- Mel?

- Yes, Harry.






- Harry wants to say something to you, Mel.

- What is it, Harry?



Nothing, Mel. Nothing.



You all seem worried.

Is someone in the family sick?



You don't look well to me, Ha...

You're working too hard!



- Don't work too hard, Harry.

- I won't.



You have to relax. Three things

I found out at the doctor's.



You have to relax, you mustn't

take the world too seriously...



...and you have to be very careful what

you say when you go out on the terrace.



This is the  :   news.



Police today were baffled by an unusual

incident that took place in Central Park.



During the night,

a person or persons unknown...



... took a lawnmower to Sheep's Meadow

and mowed obscene words into the grass.



Until the parks department

decides to reseed the meadow...



... or cut the rest of the grass, the area

will be roped off to children under   .



Oh, God.









Oh, am I gonna get that guy, Jacoby.



I know exactly where

and when he comes in.



At the first snow I'm gonna

fill my shovel with hard, wet snow...



...and drop it all    floors right on his head.

Crease his frigging skull!






- You said that.

- For $   an hour, I'll say what I want.



- A little hostile today, aren't we?

- No, not a little, a lot. Very hostile.



I may tear your couch up.

Put it in my bill.



- You wanna talk about it?

- No, I don't.



I've been talking about it for three months.

You clean that pipe and never say a word.



My wife's out breaking her back

trying to pay for it all.



You ought to see her, she's turning herself

into an old woman just for me.



By the time I get better,

I'll be too young for her.



That's funny.

Don't you think that's funny?



- I do see some humor to it, yes.

- You do?



Then it couldn't be funny.

You're like my brother.



- He laughs at the Farmers' Almanac.

- You don't talk about him. Do you like him?



What the hell kind of a question is that?

Of course I like him. I love him! He's done...



- Why bring up my goddamn brother?

- Why "goddamn" if you like him?



Because I don't always like him. He can

be the dullest son of a bitch on two feet!



Do you think he'd ever play with me

as a kid? Hell, no.



All he ever did was complain

about my report card.



"You got a C in English and a C

in history. Forgot your lunch pail, Mel."



He wasn't my brother,

he was my father.



Hey, wait a minute, maybe...



Jesus. Maybe that's the key

to our relationship.



That I was trying to prove to Harry,

my father...


            successful I could be without

his help. And I never fought back to him!



I never fought back to anybody, and that's

why I'm here today! Isn't that true?



- Sorry, your time is up.

- Jesus!



In sports today, the Nassau Coliseum

opened its doors and its heart...



... and will house a charity basketball game

between the Harlem Globetrotters...



... and a team made up of members

of the gay liberation movement.



The gay libbers said they did not expect

to win since their team is young...



... and have only been playing

with each other since December.



- Watch it, will you?

- Sorry, man, I didn't see you.



You saw me! Don't tell me you didn't!

Tells me he didn't see m...



My wallet.



Why, that dirty bastard got my wallet.

Hey! Somebody stop him!



All right, hand it over.



- Hand it over!

- Are you crazy, man? What do you want?



Give me the wallet,

or I'll bust your head in!



I've taken all I'm gonna take

from you guys! The wallet!






Go on, get out of here.



Get out of here before I work you over.



And tell your friends

that I'm gonna get my shoes back!



And my brown suede shoes too!

You tell them!



What happened?



I'm getting tired of being shoved around,

that's what happened.



Curb your dog, will you?

People have to walk on these streets.



- Thanks for the help, Joe.

- Mrs. Edison.



- Is Mr. Edison home?

- I didn't see him come in.



Oh, Mrs. Edison! Elevator's out.



- What?

- Something with the cables.



It won't be fixed until about  :  .



You mean I gotta walk up    floors?



Water's out too.



- What water? My water?

- Everyone's water.



They're working on the pipes now.

Should be on about  :  .



You tell the superintendent

if I have to take a bath without water...



...l'm deducting it from the rent!



- You ought to live where I live.

- Never mind!



- Hiya, Joe.

- Hello, Mr. Edison.



- Mrs. Edison just went up.

- Oh, good.



And the elevator's out.



- You gotta walk up unless you wanna wait.

- For them? My lease will be up by then.



- Water's out too. No water till tonight.

- I'll pray for rain on the way up.



Hey, would you...?



You know I just walked up    flights?



You should've called me.

I'd have come and carried you.



Hey, Edna, listen.



Oh, please listen,

because I've got something to tell you.



Do you know the water's off?

They stole our water, Mel, did they tell you?



I did something today, Edna.

I did something affirmative.



For the first time in four months,

I fought back!



I fought back! Oh, they didn't get away

with it this time.



- What are you talking about?

- I was mugged!



In broad daylight!

They got my wallet!



What's the difference,

you didn't have anything in it.



What about my pride and my dignity?

I got my self-respect.



And they didn't get the wallet, either.

I chased some punk all over the park.



He was a good    years younger

than me too, but I got my wallet back.






Your wallet is brown.



Your wallet is brown.

This one's black.



You left yours on the dresser this morning.

This isn't your wallet, Mel.



By God, I mugged a kid.



- I mugged some poor kid in the street.

- How much did we get?



- Why did he run?

- You chased him, didn't you?



- You get chased, you run.

- Wait, I gotta return that.



No! Some of this belongs to us!

They stole enough from us!



- Everyone's gotta share its losses!

- Edna! But not that way!



Wait a minute, don't you understand?

Edna, will you be reasonable?



Don't you see the important thing?

Not the money, it's that I got angry.



I fought back!

I got my strength back!



I hope you're strong enough

for both of us. I'm out of work!



- We went out of business today!

- Who?



We did! The business that I'm in

went out of business!



They canceled a show, they lost three

accounts, they went out of business!



- They let you go?

- If they're not staying, they don't need me!



Oh, Mel.

What's happening?



- Is the whole world going out of business?

- It'll be all right.



I don't understand how a big business

like that could just go out of business.



It was a big business with desks and

cabinets and beautiful pictures on the walls.



Edna, it's just a job,

it's not your whole life.



You know what I kept thinking about on

the way home? One thing. Only one thing.



A bath. A nice, hot bath.

And now the water went out of business!



- It'll come back on.

- I want my bath!



I want my water!

You tell them I want my bath!



- What can I do about it?

- You bang on the pipes! Bang on the pipes!



Tell them there's a woman

who needs an emergency bath!



If I don't sit in some hot water,

I'm gonna go crazy. Now, bang!



- Be reasonable.

- I banged for you. Why won't you for me?



Lt'll be all right, Edna!

Lt'll be all right.



It won't be all right!

It won't be all right!



Why do you keep saying that?

Are you out of your mind?



Oh, Mel...



...l'm so sorry.



- Oh, God, I didn't mean that.

- It's all right.



- Oh, please forgive me.

- Just calm down.



Gee, I don't know

what I'm saying anymore.



Oh, I have no strength left.



Nothing. I couldn't even open

my pocketbook on the bus today.



- A little boy had to help me.

- You have strength, Edna.



I have anger!



No strength.



If anything happens to me,

who's gonna take care of us?



I will! Haven't I always

taken care of you, Edna?



- I mean, who's gonna take care of us now?

- Me.



Edna, me.



- You, Mel?

- Trust me.



Don't you believe in me anymore?



Let's leave.

Let's just give up and leave!



Let them keep their garbage and crooks

and air conditioners and jobs!



I just wanna live out

the rest of my life with you.



And see my girls grow up

healthy and happy.



And once in a while I'd like to have

some water to take a bath!



- Please, Mel, please.

- Edna, it's going to be all right.



But we're not gonna let them kick us out.

This is my city. We're gonna stay!



And you're gonna get some water,

I promise you.






- That's the superintendent, I'll kill him!

- You're very upset, I'll handle this.



Just relax. Why don't you sit in the tub

and wait for the water to come on, huh?



Tell him I want a whole tubful,

not just two inches! You tell him!



- Yeah.

- Tell him!



I'd like to talk to you, Mel. Now.



I'm parked in a loading zone,




I drove in from the country, walked up

these stairs. I don't wanna get a ticket.



- So can we talk?

- Sure. Come on in.



I'd rather not. I understand how Edna feels

about me. I don't wanna cause more trouble.



In the hallway, okay?

I'd like to talk in private. Okay?



In the hall?



Edna, I gotta go out for a few minutes!

Are you all right?



It's not flushing!

I can't flush the lousy toilet!



Can't flush the toilet.



How are you feeling, Mel?

Emotionally, I mean.



- Is it all right to say that?

- Emotionally? It's a very nice word.



I brought you some apples

from the country.



Wait'll you taste these. You always

used to love apples. I remember that.



- Are you allowed to eat them now?

- Apples don't affect the mind.



- They don't?

- Sure you don't wanna talk inside?



No, no. Here is fine.



With all due respect to Edna,

she's very upset with the family.



Not true. She hasn't said one

unkind word about any of you.



The woman doesn't like me,

it's all right.



I wanted to deliver this in person.



You drove    miles and walked    flights

to bring me six apples, and I'm crazy?



Not just the apples.

I have something a little more substantial.



Here. This is for you and Edna.

The apples are separate.



- What's this?

- It's the check, the money.



Go buy yourself a summer camp.



July and August, go take care

of     runny noses. Have a good time.



This is for $     .



Your sisters and I contributed equally,

  -  .



I'm telling them about it tomorrow.



Harry? Hey, Harry!



Harry! Hey, I don't understand.



I don't understand myself. Why would

anybody wanna run a summer camp?



But if that's what gives you pleasure,

good luck, God bless.



Wait a minute.



- When did Edna ask you for this?

- What's the difference?



Everybody got excited, everybody

said some things that Edna didn't mean.



- Take it.

- Keep it. Take the money, buy a camp.



Now, go upstairs.

Walk slowly or you'll get a stitch.



Please, I can't explain,

but I cannot take this money.



I am all right now.

I can stand on my own. Understand?



Why won't you let me do this for you?

Why won't you let me make you happy?



You already have by offering it.



Now, get rid of that. They see that,

you'll never make the corner.



You let everybody else take care of you.

Pearl, Edna, Pauline, everyone except me.



- Why am I always excluded from the family?

- Who knows?



I had to work when I was   

I didn't have time to be the favorite!



You wanna be the favorite?

I'll give it to you.



I'll call the girls up, say from now on,

you're the favorite.



I'm not blaming you.

It's only natural.



When there are two brothers,

and one is out working all day...



...the one who stays home is the favorite.

- I wasn't the favorite, I was the baby.



- You were the favorite!

- I was not!



They played with you

from morning till night!



No one could keep their hands off you!

I lived in that house    years!



Not once did anyone

sing me "Happy Birthday"!



That's not true, Harry!

You always had a party...



...and a great big cake!

- I had parties, I had cakes.



Nobody ever sang "Happy Birthday."



This year, I'm gonna hire

the West Point Glee Club...



...and you're gonna hear "Happy Birthday"

like never before.



Eleven years old,

I was wearing long pants.



When I was    I had a little mustache!



At the movies, I had to bring my birth

certificate, or they charged me adult prices!



- You were the oldest living teenager.

- Did you ever see Pearl's family album?



There are no pictures of me as a boy!

I skipped right over it!



Thousands of pictures of you.

On ponies, on bicycles, in barber chairs.



One picture of me in a      Buick.

I looked like Herbert Hoover.



I'm sorry, Harry.



I'm gonna tell you something now, Mel.

I've never told this to anybody.



I don't think you got a brain for business.

You can't handle problems.



I think you're a child, a baby,

a spoiled infant.



But as God is my judge,

many's a night I lay in bed envying you.



Isn't that something?



What I've got, you'll never have, but what

you've got, I'd like to have just once.



Just to see what it feels like

to be the favorite.



What if I gave you a big fat kiss

on the mouth?



You kiss me,

I'll break every bone in your body.



Between us, we don't have the brains

to push a button.



I love you, Harry.



Now say you love

your little baby brother.



You're not better yet. You hear me?

You're not better yet!



You're still a very sick man!






Dear, I know you meant perfectly well...



...but I wish that...







I wish that in the future,

you wouldn't ask my family for $     ...



...without first discussing it with me.

- Don't yell at me.



- Who's yelling?

- You!



- I'm being perfectly reasonable.

- Fill my tub, then be perfectly reasonable.



- How could you beg my family for money?

- They offered money for a doctor.



I said I didn't need it for a doctor, I needed

it for a camp. I never begged anyone!



How am I gonna wash my hair?

With ginger ale?



Can't you see?

I'm all right now.



It's humiliating for me

to ask for money.



You didn't ask them!

You weren't the one that was humiliated!



I was the one in front

of the Spanish Inquisition!



You were taking a nice

tranquilized walk in the park!



- Sedated, not tranquilized. I was sedated.

- I don't care if you were petrified.



I was the one that was humiliated.

Next time you be humiliated, I'll be sedated.



You're speaking to a man

who just had a nervous breakdown.



- That far away.

- I had a nervous breakdown! Don't tell me!



- Haven't you any regard for a man's illness?

- You don't sound sick now.



I'm not talking about now.

I'm talking about then.



And it was sedated, not tranquilized!




Well, I wish you'd get sedated again,

so you'd stop yelling at me!



Will you shut up down there,

you hoodlums!



- Hey. Hey!

- Edna! Oh, Jesus!



- Who are you calling hoodlums?

- You! And your loudmouthed husband!



Don't you call us names!



Your husband isn't half the man

my husband is!



And we haven't forgotten the water.

We remember the water!



My husband'll be home soon!



And if you don't shut up,

you'll get more of the same!



With what? Where are you gonna get

the water? Where's your water, big mouth?



Edna... Will you get out of there?



I'm sorry, my wife didn't really...



They did it again.



Where'd they get the water?



- Where did they get it?

- People like that always have water.



They save it up so that people like us

can always get it.



Well, I think you're behaving

very well, Mel.



I think you're taking it beautifully

this time.



That shows real progress.



I think you've grown

through this experience. I really do.



You know...



...I think you really are all right.



I'm so proud of you, Mel.



Because you're better than them.



You're better than all of them.



Better in every way.



This is Roger Kelting

and the  :   report.



Heavy snow warnings posted

along the Eastern Seaboard tonight.



And here in New York,

a record    inches have been forecast.



Snowplows were ordered

on the streets.



City residents were asked

to get their shovels in a joint effort...



... to show how New Yorkers can live

and work together in a common cause.



Special help by SergeiK