Private Parts Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Private Parts script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Howard Stern movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Private Parts. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Private Parts Script



He was offensive.



He was obnoxious.



He was disgusting.



Do you want me to go on?



Once he wanted me

to approve a contest



where he would

give a new toilet



to the listener with

the largest bowel movement.



On the air.



I mean, you can imagine

the logistics of that.



Howard Stern:

You know, when I look back

on this moment in my life,



I really wanted it to work.



I wanted this to be

the biggest moment



in the history of entertainment.

I'm not kidding.



I wanted everyone

to wake up the next morning



talking about me,

Howard Stern.



That's the kind

of thinking, though,



that usually

gets me into trouble.



John Stamos:

I'm here to introduce

the next presenter.



Believe me, a lot of people

refused to introduce this guy,



but, uh...



Is this safe?



When you drop,

don't spin around



or the wires

get screwed up.






...Radio waves

high above America...



[Crowd Cheers]



It's a bird...



I'm making such a mistake.



It's a plane...



No, it's Fartman!




Behold, I am Fartman.



Behold, the greatest.

That is me.



The mightiest

of superheroes.



My ass has power!



Screw Superman.



I am Fartman.

Fartman rules.









And now, in an extraordinary

display of my powers,



I will show you

something so marvelous.






[Passes Gas]



The lovely

and talented Fartman,

ladies and gentlemen.



Howard: I got to tell you,

with all this carrying on,



I mean, the way

they were screaming,



at first I really thought

I'd won them over.



I thought I was the Beatles

on Ed Sullivan or something.



Oh, shock...



But did my fellow artists




the comedically ironic aspect

of my new superhero character?



No. They just thought

I was an idiot.



You know, most of these people

are Satan-worshipping junkies.



Hey, look, all I want

is for my artistic courage



to be an inspiration

to others.



Instead, I'm a joke.



Excuse me.

I didn't mean

to interrupt.






See, that's when I came

to a profound realization...



Everything I do

is misunderstood.






Everything I do

is misunderstood.



I mean, think about

what a burden that is.



What a thing

to go through life with.



All I'm trying to do

is be funny,



and I end up

feeling like an asshole.



What a fucking jerk.



Howard, it was a home run.



You think so?




And when you said,



"All of Hollywood

can kiss my ass,"



you had every

teenager in the country

eating out of your hand.



My guess is

we'll get coverage

from     maybe    ...



[Aria Plays]







here's your ticket.



OK? Now call me as soon as

you get to New York, will you?



Yo, Fartman.

Love you, man.






All right. So getting back

to what I was talking about...



More than anything, I'd like

the public to appreciate me.



No, forget that.

I want them to love me...



Not the myth, but the man.



The real Howard.



Let me demonstrate my point.



Thank you.



Now, take this woman,

for example.



She hates me.



She doesn't even know me,



but it's clear that she's

totally disgusted by me.



Down the aisle

on your right.



- Excuse me.

- Yes?



You don't possibly have

another seat available for me?



I'm sorry.

We're showing a full load.



Right here on your left.



Full load.




Sir, may I help you?



To your right.









Is this yours?



Yeah. If you want

to read it, you can.



Thank you.



Pfft, I've seen

this look before,



believe me.



It's the look

of misunderstanding.



She thinks I'm a moron.



In fact, all my life,

people have told me I was a moron.



You're a moron.

Now shut up and sit still.



You're a moron.

Now shut up and sit still.



So this is my dad Ben Stern.



He was an engineer

at a radio station in Manhattan... WHOM.



Why do we live in Roosevelt

when you work in New York?



Shut up.



[Radio Static]



We never played catch

or went to ball games.



The only sport

my father liked was yelling.



Nothing but crap.



[Changes Station]



[Reggae Music Plays]



- Is this one crap?

- Don't be a moron.



# Shut up your mouth,

That is your daddy #



# Oh, no #



# My daddy

can't be ugly so #



# Shut your mouth,

go away #



# Ooh, Mama

look-a boo boo day #






# Shut your mouth... #



My father

commuted every day,



I guess it was, about    miles

into Manhattan.



He'd leave at  :   in the morning,

get home around midnight or something.



I mean, I never saw the guy.



Come on. Come on.



Once a year, my old man

would break down



and take me

to work with him.



A little quality time.



I liked that.

A little bonding.



Dad and son together.



I looked forward to that.



[Elevator Dings]



Take my hand,




And remember, Howard,



I work here,

so keep your mouth shut.



# Never know

how much I love you... #



You spin and you spin

and you spin.




Who gives a damn?






I told you, shut up.



That man's

throwing records.



No, nobody gives

a goddamn about it.



None of it.

What the fuck is it?



Just fucking records!

It's just this fucking place.



None of it means anything.

It's empty...



Sid, you're on

in    seconds.



Get a grip on yourself!



Ah, what the hell

do you know, you bastard?



You mieskait!



You're gonna play the music

for the people? It doesn't...



Symphony Sid!



By the powers vested in me



by the Federal

Communications Commission,



I command you



to get on the microphone

in a serious manner



and continue this broadcast.



Deep, Calm Voice: This is

Sunday Blues And Jazz,



and I'm your host

Symphony Sid.



And now... something

for a blue Sunday.



Howard: From that moment on,

I wanted to be on the radio.



Show business

was definitely for me.



[Bouncy Puppet Music]



And for my   th birthday,

my mother bought me

some puppets,



and pretty soon,

I was spreading joy

throughout the community.



# Biddi-bim-bom,

ay-yi-yi #



# Biddi-biddi-biddi #



# Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi #



# Biddi-biddi-biddi... #



Howard, As The Woman:

Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.



More. More. Ohh!



Howard, As The Man:

You like that, huh?



Oh, yes, I love it, baby.

Give it to me.



Oh, baby, yes!

Right there. Ohh!



Oh, more! Harder!



You want it harder?



Oh, yes, harder.

Please give it to me, please.



Ohh! Aah! Aah!



But why can't I play

with my puppets?



Shut up! You know why.






You know,

life is very strange.



Nat King Cole:

# Pretend you're happy... #



Just about the time

my puppet career ended,



my whole neighborhood

underwent a demographic shift.



My parents said we're moving

because of those niggers.



They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's

going to be nothing but niggers.



Really? My parents

said we're moving



because of

all the Shvartzes.



Shvartzes are niggers,




They're the same thing.



[Tires Screech]



I don't want to hear any more

of this, you hear me?



I'm half negro,

and Howard's half negro.



And anything bad

you say about negroes,



you're saying about us,

you understand?



# And nothing's bad

as it may seem... #



Mom, we're half negro?



I can't believe

the stories he makes up.



I mean, I never made him

wear my underwear to school.



And... And as far as my taking

his rectal temperature



every day till he was   ...



He shouldn't make

such a big deal.



He still grew up to be

a very well-adjusted individual.






# Papa was

a rolling stone... #



Roosevelt High School...




A fully integrated

educational institution,



which of course meant

     black guys and me.



And then I hit puberty.



That made things worse



because my penis

never got any bigger.



I mean, I was hung

like a  -year-old.



Hey, seriously, these guys had

rhinoceros penises... huge.



You know, I've heard

black men complain



that they're

unfairly stereotyped.



Man, I'd love to have

a stereotype like that.



Now, because I had

such a minuscule schlonger,



I turned to drugs.



Unfortunately, the drugs

really made me paranoid.



Howard's Mother: Howard, I smell smoke.

Are you smoking in there?



There's no smoke

in here.



Howard, your father wants to

see you downstairs.












Howard, you're graduating

from high school this year.



You should be making some kind

of plan for your future.



You need a plan.



I want to be on the radio.



He wants to be on radio.



But to be on the radio,

you have to have a voice.



You have to have

some verbal ability.



You hardly ever say a word.



This all from a guy who's only told me

to shut up about       times.



I talk.



You really want to be

on the radio?



OK. If you want

a shot at radio,



the counseling center says

there's a communications program



at Boston University.



OK, I know

what you're saying.



You're saying I look

a little old to be in college.



Well, for this movie,

you gotta suspend disbelief.



Hey, Lisa.




Hi, how you doing?






I was wondering if you'd

like to go out Friday night.



With you?



No, thanks.



Hi. I was just

wondering if you...



Uh, no.



- Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.



Excuse me.



Would you like to

go out Friday night?






No. I have a lot of reading

to catch up on,



but thank you.



So I masturbated a lot...

 -time-a-day habit.



I'm not proud of it,

but I did it.



Senior year...

Big year for me.



I finally

got up the courage



to go down

to the college radio station



and get myself on the air.



And my name

is Howard Stern



on the Howard Stern




and if you love music,

you'll love Deep Purple on TBU.



[Smoke On The Water Plays]






Ooh, ooh, ooh!






Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!



[Needle Scratches Record]



How do I forget it?



It's the single worst moment

in radio history.



It's not radio.



It's college radio.




nobody listening.



Nobody. Maybe, like,

  guys in a dorm somewhere.



Oh, shit.



Oh, fuck.



I know someone on this block.

Let me think.



Come on.

We're getting wet.



Down here. Down here.

Down here.



[Knock On Door]



Hi, Elyse.






So, we were on our way to a rally

in support of feminism,



and we got caught

in the rain.



I'm wondering if we can come in

and just hang out for awhile.




come on in.



Howard: Can I use

your hair dryer?



Yeah, there's one at the end

of the hall. Hey, Rach.



Hi, Ellen.

This is Howard.



Oh, hi.

My hair's wet.



Put that there.



I'm just going to go

dry my hair.



Hey, I heard you

on the radio today.



You heard that?



Yeah. What happened?



I didn't think anybody

even listened to that.



Alison, this is Howard.

Howard, this is Alison.




one of my roommates.









[Love Is A Many

Splendored Thing Plays]









Hair dryer's

in the bathroom.



Hi. Hi.



Hi, I'm Howard.



Look at you, man.



You can get her.

You can get her.



She looks hot.



[Sniff Sniff Sniff]



How are you?



I'm making a film

for my film class,



and, I mean,

it's a legitimate film.



You won't... You're not gonna

be naked or anything.



You'll have your clothes on,

you know.



What's it about?



Well, I'm glad

you asked me that.



In my, um, psychology class,

we're studying B.F. Skinner,



and I started to realize that

what Skinner says is true...



We're all rats

trapped in a box,



all searching

for a piece of cheese.






And I'm going to shoot it

on Saturday.



I mean, I can't do it




I work with an outpatient program

for schizophrenics.



One of them actually

killed himself,



so I'm taking

the whole group to...



to the funeral

on Saturday, but...






You are really perfect.



L... All right.

What if I reschedule?



Beautiful. Beautiful.

I don't believe it.



Howard: Look, I refused

to leave the room



until she agreed

to be in my film.



I feel stupid.



Seriously, she was the most

enchanting woman I'd ever met.



I'm telling you, I am looking

for the face of an angel.



You have

the face of an angel.



[Ghostly Groaning]



Howard's Voice: Save me.



Save me.



He comes to me.



He comes to me.






Save me.






We give the award

for best student film



to... Mr. Howard Stern.



I'll tell you,

nothing makes a woman hotter



than to be with

an award-winning filmmaker.



This I know.



And at this point,

I knew I was gonna score.



I mean,

it was fait accompli.



I was in. This was it.



I'm a stud.

She was liquefied.



We did not have sex

on our first date,




he was very sexual.



Our sex life

has always been good.



I mean, Howard complains

that his penis is too small,



but his penis size is fine.



Howard exaggerates.






- OK.

- Now hold this and say...




Hi, I'm Camille,



and, uh, I'm in Westchester,

New York, and...



This is Howard's

first job interview.



And this is Howard's

first job interview.



Well, he's going to his first

job interview in New York.



- All right...

- [Shivering]



- One more thing.

- Yes?



Can you

take your top off?



- No.

- No, I'm serious.



I'm serious. That's what

they want you to do.



- No, they do not.

- Yeah, they do.



- No way.

- No, they do.



Howard did not

tell me...




Sweet Emotion Plays]



I'm Moti,

station manager.



- Howard Stern.

- You want to be a disc jockey?



Very much so.

I've wanted to be a disc jockey



since I was

  years old.



What are you,

an idiot?



No, sir,

I'm not an idiot.



L... ln fact, I have a communications

degree from Boston University,



and I would work very hard

for this company



if given

the opportunity to...



You wanted

to see me?



You came late yesterday.



You came late today.

I don't need you. You're fired.



Fuck you.



Good. Fuck you.



You punk!

Fuck you     %% %!



Fuck you

till your asshole



is perfect

donkey asshole!




In Foreign Language]




you start tomorrow.



   a.m. To   p. M, eh?






Pay $   a week and don't

bring me your problems.






I'm not psychiatrist.



Thank you very much.



I promise you

I will not disappoint you.



Thank you.



And I start




Wimpy Voice: Westchester    

WRNW    .



Hi, this is Howard Stern,

and it's    degrees presently,



winds out of the northwest.



Chance of precipitation,

  %% % for tonight.



Looks like rain.



Tomorrow, partly sunny

at WRNW, Westchester    .



[Black Sabbath's

Paranoid Plays]



I was sort of living

with Alison



while she worked on her Master's

of social work, which was really great.



I was also still living

with my parents...



Howard's Mother:




Which wasn't so great.



Yeah. Yeah, ma?



I smell smoke.

Are you smoking in there?



No, Ma.

There's no smoke in here.



Wimpy Voice:

    FM, WRNW.



I'm Howard Stern

with you each and every day,



and I've got a great

two for Tuesday.



    FM... The Ramones...

Gabba gabba wee,



Gabba gabba hey,



Gabba gabba gabba gabba...



[lncreases Volume]



Howard, you stink.



I don't mince words.

You will never be a great disc jockey.



You have lousy voice, lousy personality,

and this will not change.



OK? So on the air

is not for you.



But you come on time,

and you are good worker, huh?






how about I make you...



program director?



Program director?



Program... director.



You. You.



You run station.



You... sit.



You pick music.



No more $   a week.



Eh. I pay you...



you, eh?



$    a week.






You be management...

like me.



To be quite honest, I didn't really

want to be a programmer.



But at $    a week,

I could marry Alison,



and we'd get

a real place together.



Oh, look at her.

I mean, this was a miracle.



Here's this beautiful girl,



I mean, a gorgeous woman,



willing to spend

the rest of her life with me.



I just couldn't

have been happier.



I was the happiest

program director in the world.



Yeah, me.

Program director.




I become the big boss.



Howard Stern,

executive manager.



I had no idea

what I was doing,



no clue what to do

with this job whatsoever,



but I did it, and everyone

bought into it.



They thought I knew what I was doing.

This was great.






Oh, hey, Moti.



Advertising is up.

Profit is up.



Oh, great.



As a disc jockey, you're...

you're shit... ha ha ha ha...



But you are a great programmer.

Here, payday.



Thanks, Moti.



Listen, I want you

to fire Dickie Davis.



But why?



None of your business.



The guy's got   kids.



You want to be management,

you fire him, huh?



It's good to fire someone. It gives

a good message to the others.



Just fire him, huh?



I don't want to fire him.

You fire him.






disc jockeys are dogs.



Your job is to make them

fetch, eh?



Now, if you want

to truly be management,



you be a man

and fire him.



Do it. Be a man.



Moti: Tell Dickie Davis

Howard wants to see him now.









How? Howard?



Don't look.



You OK?






Let me ask you something.

Would you still love me...



if I gave up

my programming job,



and I stayed on the air,

and I made a lot less money?



Yes. I mean, you know,

I'd have to leave you,



but I'd still love you.



Be serious.



If I make less money, we wouldn't

even be able to afford this apartment.



Well, we can't really

afford the apartment now,



so it doesn't quite matter,




I guess.



Do what you need to do.



Come on back here,

hold this sign...



right in front of you.

Come on back.



I want you to say

"Howard goes to Hartford



and becomes the wacky

morning man at WCCC."



[Enunciation Unclear]

Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.



"Howard goes to Hartford and becomes

the wacky morning man at WCCC."



Howard goes to Hartford

at W...



All right, all right,

that's not going to work.



Howard comes to Hartford

to become the wacky morning man



at WCCC.



Gary: Let's see

some muscles.



Gary: How about

some back muscles?



Was my voice too deep

doing that?



No. It's very feminine.



WCCC, FM     and AM     .



My name is Fred Norris,

and, uh...



stick around for

the new guy Howard Stern



And the Howard Stern







Oh. Oh, my God.



Oh, it's so...




I'm Howard Stern.



How you doing?

You're Fred.



I can't believe

how late I am.



Who would've thought?



I'm on the Berlin turnpike,

and I take a left-hand turn,



and I've rehearsed this     times,

getting here, and I somehow got lost.






I'm sweating.



I'm so hot.



I'm so tahitzed.



[Sighs] I'm hot.



I was planning

on being on time.



Whoo, man.






    FM, AM      WCCC.

Good morning.



My name is Howard Stern.

I'm the new morning man on CCC.



Sitting with me,

uh, Mr. Ringo...



Mr. Ringo Starr,

and he's here in the studio.



Hi, Ringo.



[Lmitates Ringo]

How you doin', me love?



I wish you'd play us a little

Wipeout this morning,



Wake everybody up.



Oh, yeah,

that was great, Ringo.



CCC, AM      FM    .



This is Cheap Trick.



[Cheap Trick Song Plays]



Ohh. Thank you.






Howard: Hartford ended up

being OK, you know.



I mean, Fred seemed

to really like me.



I mean, I think

he really liked me.



The guy's like wallpaper.

Who can get a read on him?



And Alison, well,

she got a job right away.



Now, if you wanted

to buy liver for dinner,



what would you do?



Go to the...




That's right.

And then what?



This afternoon...

Gray skies,



occasional showers,

and precipitation.



Highs near   .



It's going to be

raining like cats...



[lmitating Cat

And Chicken]



And chickens,

I don't think so.



[Lmitating Dog]



And dogs.



WCCC also wants

to remind you



that our new sponsor

Stanley Sport,



um, is a great place

to go.



You know, I got to tell you something.

When I was a child,



I used to go to Stanley Sport

all the time.



I loved Stanley Sport.



My parents would take me through there,

and we just had a great time.



And we could walk out

with tons of stuff



even though my parents

didn't make a lot of money.






And, uh, "There's only

one Stanley Sports,



"and the grand opening

is this weekend.



Mark it on your calendar."



The grand opening

is this...



I just realized, uh... that makes

no sense what I just said.



I just told you I went there as a kid,

and now the grand opening...



Well, I just...

I think I was just caught in a lie.



Oh, boy. You know

what the truth is?



I'm a disc jockey

who makes $    a week,



and I just want to do

the right thing here on the air.



I don't want to get fired,

so, uh, I guess I lied to you,



but, uh, I'll never let that

happen again. You know what I mean?



Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.



Seriously, I heard

the show today.



I think you're

really getting good.



What part did you

like in particular?



Was it the Chinese guy calling in

for the Doobie Brothers tickets?



You know when you did that ad,

when you were just being yourself?



That's what

you liked?









It was funny.



# Gonna use my arms,

gonna use my legs... #



Howard: Little by little,



our ratings

actually improved,



and before long,

I got to interview



my first real

semifamous celebrity,



"B" movie star

Brittany Fairchild.



While I'm

interviewing her,



she actually invites me



to go to a premiere

for her movie.



I remember

how embarrassing it was



because nobody

knew who I was.



I'm escorting

this woman around,



and none of these people

know who I am.



They just think she has

some ugly boyfriend, you know?



But who cared?

I mean, it was exciting.



Woman In Movie: Hello?



I'm here for the shoot.



Is anybody there?






Howard: Ohh.



My back hurts.



Would you mind taking me

back to my hotel room?



I know this director,



and he told me that

when he was little,



his mother

killed his sister,



but was never charged.






Come in.



Come in.



- It's nice.

- Sit down.



[Keys Jangle]



I'll be right back.






Hey, man.



Free drinks.






[Faucet Squeaks]



[Water Running]



What the hell

is she doing?



I think she's

running a bath.



Oh, my God, man,

she's taking her clothes off.



I guess she forgot

to close the door.



Well, she's

a Hollywood actress.



They have a lot

on their mind.



Oh, my God.



Oh, is she cute.



Brittany: Howard?






Could you come here

for a second?



Oh. Hi.



My shoulders tense up

when I travel.



Would you mind

rubbing them for a minute?



Works best when

I'm in a hot bath.



It helps

relax the muscles.



I don't know

if that's OK or not.




It really hurts.



Look, I don't know

that I can do this.



I'll tell you what,

I'll just kneel over here,



and I'll rub your shoulders

from back here.



No. Sit behind me

in the tub.



Oh, I can't do that.



Why not?



Well, for one thing,

my clothes are gonna get all wet.



Well, then I guess

you better take them off.



I got to tell you something.

You are gorgeous,



And... And you're a great actress

and everything,



but I got a wife at home.

I can't cheat on my wife.



Then leave

your underwear on.






If you leave your underwear on,

then you can't cheat.



It's just like

going swimming.



Howard: I don't know

what it was,



but she started

making a lot of sense.



I really

need your help.



My back

really hurts.



Fred: She's right.



Could you start

with my shoulders?












Can you come around

my sides?



I think I pulled a muscle

in my rib cage.









I know how to give

a man pleasure.






Ooh. Oh.






Oh. Oh, wow.



No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.



Stop that. Stop.



Oh, whoa.



Oh, man.



Wow. Thank you.

Oh, my.



Thanks. Thanks...

Thanks for everything.



Listen, the premiere

and everything.



Oh, my God.



I just...

I just got to go.



You know, it was a great

interview on the radio.



Thanks... Thanks...

Thank you.



I really got to go.






[Door Closes]



# I'll take you there #



# Oh, oh #



# Oh! #



# I'll take you there #



# Oh! Oh! Oh! #



# I'll take you there #



# Mercy now #



# I'll take you there #



# I'm callin',

callin' #



# Callin'

for mercy #



# I'll take you there #



# Mercy, mercy #









Hey. How was it?



So bad. So horrible.



I just had

the worst night of my life.



I mean, I can't even begin

to tell you how miserable I am.



It is so late.

I got to get to bed.



I mean, no one

realizes I got to be up



at  :   in the morning

in that radio station.



I can't believe

how late it is.



- Go up and get in...

- OK.



L... I just...



I just need to rest.

I need to get some sleep.






God, let me

get away with this,



and I swear I'll never stray

from Alison again. Never.



Howard On Radio: I just want

to thank someone this morning.



I want to thank

Brittany Fairchild



For having myself

and Fred



out to, uh, her new movie.

It was really good.



Fred, what'd you think

of the movie?



Fred: I was very moved.



I think a lot of us

were moved last night.



CCC, AM      FM    ...



It's the fifth-largest market

in the United States,



and they want me

to start tomorrow,



which is a good sign,

I think.



That means they're,

you know,



they're really desperate

for me, which I like.



And they say they're gonna move the

building to the best part of the city,



which I think is good, too...

You know, pump money into the facility.



And the station manager

says we are gonna be



the most aggressive

radio station in Detroit.



We are gonna dominate

the marketplace, which I lo...



Are these yours?



They're wet.



Howard: Alison's not

coming to Detroit.



I should have

just come home



and told my wife everything,

admitted the truth,



'cause now my wife

doesn't even trust me anymore,



and I don't blame her because

I don't trust me, either.



I'm a stupid idiot.

I'm so stupid!



What am I gonna do?



I don't know.



I can always

count on you for help, man.




I appreciate it.



Listen, man, as soon as I get

to Detroit and things start happenin',



I'm gonna get these guys

to hire you, all right?






Fred, I'm serious.

I'm not gonna forget ya.






[Ted Nugent's

Cat Scratch Fever Plays]



# Cat scratch fever... #




How you doing, man?



How you doing, Marvin?



- Good to see you.

- Good to see you, too.



Hey, Patricia Fonfara,

meet Howard Stern. Your newslady.



Hi. I'm really looking forward

to working with you.



The Duke of rock's

just finishing up,



and then we're gonna

get right inside, so...



Hey, Marvin, what happened

to the new building?



I told you, we're gonna

build a new building.



First we got to build

an audience. Heh.



Hey, the Duke of rock's

gettin' ready to walk,



but I want you

to stick around,



because we got

a brand-new morning man...



looks like Big Bird

to me...



coming next



on W     FM.



What's happening, man?



Come on in, Big Bird.



How you doing, man?

Good to see ya.



How's things? What's that?

You're gonna do what?



Is that ri... Well, now,

how about that, kiddies?



He's gonna have Kermit the Frog

come in here and sing the Alphabet Song,



isn't that somethin'?



Coming up next

on the Big Bird show.



I got to go. See you

at midnight tonight.



This is the Duke of rock




If you can't be good,

be bad, baby.






Hi. How you doing?



Howard Stern.

Nice to see you.



Listened to your show

last night. It was great.



Lookin' forward

to working with you.



Don't hurt yourself,




OK, thanks.

Thank you.



[Door Closes]



Thank you.



What am I

thanking him for?



Howard: So let's review.



My life sucked,



Alison dumped me,



I didn't know if she'd

ever come back to me,



and now this dickwad

is calling me Big Bird.



    FM, WWWW.



I don't know.

Something in me just snapped.



My name

is Howard Stern,



and welcome to

the new morning show.



And we have

a new feature for you.



This is, uh,

something special.



We have a traffic copter now

here at WWWW.



Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day

in the traffic copter.



Mama, you there?



Hello? Mama? Uh.



[Helicopter Flying

Sound Effect]






[Doing Mama's Voice] Yes, hello.

This is Mama Look-a boo boo day,



the only black traffic reporter

in the Detroit area,



I'm proud to say.



Pleasure to make

your acquaintance this morning, Mama.



Tell me, uh, what's going on

in the traffic?



First, a political

statement, if I may.



Kill, Kill, Kill...



The White Man,



by Eugene

Mama Look-a boo boo day.



Eugene is my pen name 'cause

I wrote this while I was in the pen.



OK, here we go.



Kill, kill,

kill the white man.



Kill him

until he is dead.



Kill the white man.



Thank you.



[Jimi Hendrix's All Along

The Watchtower Plays]



Yeah, hi. Can I speak

to Alison Stern, please?



Her husband Howard.



It's Howard.






# There must be some

kind of way out of here #



# Said the joker

to the thief #



# There's

too much confusion #



# I can't get no relief #



# Businessmen, they'll #



# They'll drink my wine #



# Plowmen dig my earth... #






You talk too much.



And very important,



I want the time

and the temperature



  times every    minutes,

not  .  .



My grandmother

died last night.



I spent all night with her

in the hospital.



She... She

had a car accident.



By the way, uh...



It's  :  . Temperature

is, uh,    degrees.



# No reason

to get excited #



Anyway, her head

went through the windshield.



You know, it's funny,

but her last words...



# The thief,

he kindly spoke #



# There are many here

among us #



I want you back

so bad...



# Who feel that life

is but a joke #



# But you and I,

we've been through that #



# And this not our fate... #



Howard: I had, like,

no listeners,



and the couple of listeners

I did have



Would call in and tell me

how bad I sucked



on a regular basis.



Although, I did manage to convince

one of them to be my weather lady.




the weather girl.




are you there?



It's cold, real cold,



but your ass

is gonna be plenty hot



when I give you a good,

hard butt-whipping.






What do you think

about that?



Turns you on, doesn't it,

you little maggot?






Irene, thank you

for the weather forecast.



Shut up.



We hope to hear

from you tomorrow...



Give us some

more weather.



Bite me, you loser.



You shaved

your mustache.



Jeez. Alison.



It's great to see you.



Al, I miss you so much.



I'm feelin' so miserable

since you left.



I am just so uncomfortable

in this Detroit. I'm...






I'm willing to believe

you didn't sleep with that girl.



OK? And I understand

you're a somewhat abnormal person



with a somewhat abnormal job.

That I can accept.



I deal with abnormality

every single day.



I don't need everything

in my life to be normal.



And on the air,

you do what you do. That's your job.



But off the air,

for me to be in this marriage...



I need to know

I'm the only one.



And I'm not saying that

to pressure you.



I'm saying it because it's

just something I know about myself.



So... if you need more time

or whatever...



I don't need

any more time.



I am just so madly

in love with you.



I don't... I don't need

anyone else in my life.



I never wanted

anyone else in my life.



All I want is you.



I just want you

to forgive me.



Thanks for coming back.






Come on, you guys.

Right up here looks perfect.




Isn't Alison amazing?



She's in town,

like,   minutes,



and already she's got a job

working with a bunch of wackos.



Excuse me.

Mentally challenged.



Nice day, huh?



What can I do

to help here?



Well, I'm gonna

set up lunch...






And you can play frisbee

with the guys.



Start again.

Here we go.



Oh. I'm so sorry.



Listen, what you

got to do is,



you got to put

this hand up, OK?



And you got to try

and catch it, OK?



All right,

here we go.



Ready? Here we go.



I'm so sorry.



You know what

we're gonna do?



Just tell me that you're ready.

Are you ready?






Howard! Howard!






I was hoping

I'd find you here.



I have some

very exciting news!



Oh. Are you

all right?



Yeah. Yeah.



That was good.



You just got to wait

till somebody looks, OK?



Hoo. Uh, well, we decided that

Detroit has too many rock stations,



so starting tomorrow

we're starting a new format,



and it'll give us

a real great edge.



[Country Music Playing]




# Ooh ooh #



# Ooh-ooh-ooh

dee dee #



# Ooh doo #



# Doo-doop

doo-doo-doo #



# Doo doo ooh #



# Ooh-ooh-ooh

dee dee... #



Howdy, cowpokes.



Uh, I know I shouldn't be

interrupting in the middle of a song,



but I got to

tell you something.



I know a lot of you out there

really love this music,



but I just don't get it.



Explain it to me.



And maybe it's 'cause

I went to college,



and I never drove a truck



and had sex with

my daddy's sister, but...



I guess what I'm

trying to say is, I...



I don't think

I'm the man for this job.



So this is your old pal

Hopalong Howie saying I quit.



L... I think I quit.



# Ooh-ooh-ooh

dee dee #



# Ooh doo #



# Doo-doop

doo-doo-doo #



# Doo doo ooh #



# Ooh-ooh-ooh

dee dee #



# Oh #



# Dee dee dee #









[Door Closes]



What is it?



I feel like

such a loser.



It's not your fault.

It was a lame station.



Yeah, it was my fault.



You can't blame a radio station.

It's my screwup.



In what way?



In a way that I gotta

figure out what I'm gonna be.



I mean, I don't want to be

one of these disc jockeys



that runs around the country, you know,

looking for work all the time.



I don't want to end up like that.

It's so sad.



It's so apparent to me now

what I should be doing.



I should be talking

about my personal life.



I've got to get intimate.



And every time I feel like

I shouldn't say something,



maybe I should just say it,

just blurt it out, you know?



I just got to

let things fly.



I got to go all the way.



You didn't go

all the way before?



No. I mean...



No. A lot of times,

I'm just holding back.



Then I guess you should

go all the way.



Hold the sign

nice and low.



With a big smile...

Very sexy...



This is about Howard

coming to Washington.



What's going on here?



Um, we're

shooting a movie.




you got a permit?



Uh, no, we don't

have a permit,



but this is,

like, one line,



and we'll be done with them in a second

and we'll be out of your way.



You can't be there, then.

You're blocking the median.



Come on, you're

gonna have to move.



Um, this if for

the Howard Stern movie.



Wait a minute.

You said Howard Stern?




This is his movie.



Is Howard here?



No, he's not here today,

not in this scene,



but this is his movie.



Come on.

You got to move.



Tsk. Give us a break.

It'll take a second.



Just look right

at the camera,



and say, "Howard

comes to Washington."



Howard comes

to Washington.



Hey, let's go!

Come on!



Howard's, like,

a big fan of the cops.



He loves you guys.



We could have

been done by now.



Guess what.

You are done.



Howard: I was hired by

an FM rock station, DC    



and that's when I met

the other woman in my life.






Hi. I'm Robin Quivers,

your newswoman.



Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward

to working with you.



It's great to meet you.



Same here.



Yeah, this is

gonna be great.



OK, I'm just gonna go over here

and work on my script.



We're almost set.



Ooh. [Clears Throat]



[Clearing Throat]



[Snort Snort]



[Sniff Sniff]




DC    . Good morning.

This is Howard Stern.



Welcome to the show.



I have a confession

to make.



I did not get, uh,

laid last night.



In fact, I haven't gotten laid

in a really long time.



Now, give me a call

here at DC    



if you have

the same kind of problem.



Having trouble

with your woman?



Give me a call.

I'll help you out.



Let me introduce,

over here to my right,



my beautiful new newswoman

Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful,



I'm sure she doesn't have

any of these sexual problems.



But I must tell you,

my life is, um, very odd.



I get hornier

and hornier.



My wife, she comes home from work,

she goes to sleep.



The whole week goes by,

she never gets horny.



Robin, as a woman,

what is it?



Do women get horny?






Why is he talking

to his newsperson?



I'll have him stop.



What about you

specifically, though?



When is the last time

that you were with a man...






About a year.



You're serious?



- A year?

- Yeah.



A year,

ladies and gentlemen.



Someone more pathetic

than me.



This is good. This is good.

We're getting somewhere.



This is a good




Uh, you know,

I bought a book,



"How to Score with Babes,"



and listen

to what it says.



I think

it's rather revealing.



"When attempting

to score with a babe,



"make sure to wear

tight pants.



"If necessary, stuff

a semirigid, large object



"into your pants



to create the appearance

of having a large penis."



Women like large penis.



Did he say "penis"?



I know about this stuff.



I have no bulge in my crotch.

I have a small penis.



And I've never told

anyone this before...



And I don't think

you should start now.



Well, I've done it.

Now the cat's out of the bag.



But this guy

wrote a good book.



The author has slept

with over       women,



and, uh,

take it from him.



He says

wear tight pants.



If he slept

with       women,



he wouldn't have time

to put on pants.



That is true, too.

I didn't consider that.



Why don't you

give me a call at DC    



if you want

to talk about this.



We'll be back

right after these words.



[Man Yelling]



You're a genius.



That was great.



That was interesting.



Didn't that feel good?

That was great.



You say

whatever you want.



You have carte blanche.



You and Robin must not talk

to each other on the air.



And don't sing along

with the music.



And you know

what else you could do?



I'd like you to memorize

the names of the local high schools.



And don't criticize




It's not good for ratings.



Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like

to talk to Robin alone for a second.



Wait. I wanted...



You know what I want you

to do for me,



is to make up a grid

of all your comedy bits



and the corresponding

days of the week,



so that I'll know on which day

you'll be doing which bit.



I told you I work spontaneously.

I think that l...




don't encourage him.



He's better

when he's toned down.



We need you to be

a friend here, Robin.



I'll see

what I can do.






Appreciate it,




- OK.

- Thanks.



I think we should

separate them.



Orioles over the Red Sox

 -  last night,



extending the Os'

winning streak to  .



And finally,

today is Memorial Day.



Sunny skies and warm temperatures

for veterans marching in parades



across the metropolitan area.



Highs today in the   s.

It's    degrees...



You know, Robin, let me

interrupt for a second.



I'm glad you brought up

Memorial Day.



I was in Vietnam.

I'd like to talk to you about it.



I had    kills

in Vietnam,



and I'm telling you,

I really should've had more.



Officially, I should've

had more kills.



Let me tell you

what I'm talking about.



I was in a gook village,

and I come upon a schoolhouse.



So I grab one of

my grenades off my belt,



and I throw it right

into the schoolhouse.



And I blow up

the whole damn thing.



So I'm out there

counting all the bodies.



You threw a grenade

into a school?



That's exactly

what I'm telling you.



I must've killed, like,




My dickhead lieutenant

comes up to me, and he says,



"Stern, those are little kids.

That counts as one person."



Howard, I was

in the military.



I was a captain in the Air Force.

What were you?



What was I?



Yeah, what were you?



- What were you again?

- I was a captain.



That's what I was.

I was a captain.



And what were you in?



I was in Vietnam.



Ohh! Army? Navy?



In the Army.



Did you have a division?






   rd what?



I was in the    rd...



I don't know

what I was in, Robin,



But I'm saying I was

in the    rd.



And the point

of this whole thing



is that I think a kill

is a kill is a kill,



and killing a kid should be

just as good as killing an adult.



Well, I suppose even if you're killing

children, they should count them.



I got some music

for you now at DC    .



[Robin Chuckles]



Ha ha!



You're not even old enough

to have been in Vietnam.






I couldn't sit there

and not say something.



I knew they had told me

not to talk.



I knew I was going to get

in trouble if I did.



But he was really

onto something,



and I knew that there was

something going on there...



and I just went for it.



Well, this just came

from the FCC.



Did you say "testicles"

on the air?



Wait a second.



Screw the FCC.

We just lost Muffler Man.



Hold on. We have

a real problem here.



I'm just trying

to get ratings.



I am just trying

to run a radio station.



I understand that,

and I'm telling you



that the commercial sponsors

are there once you get the ratings.



There's a big problem.



They're gonna be

lining up    in a row.



You listen to me,

you stupid asshole.



Radio is a business, and

you just cost us $     .



Wait a second. If I do a lame show,

it's never gonna take off.



I'm calm.

I am perfectly calm.



D.C. Carpet canceled

because of him.



Well, I've reached

my limit.



I don't know about you,

but my back is against the wall.



Will everyone

just sit down?



I just want to say

one thing.



I really think this show's

starting to take off.



There's a buzz

on the street about it.



If we just give it a chance,

if we just take some time with it,



I think everything's

gonna be OK.



Don't push

your luck, Howard.



Robin Leach: The countdown to our "Live

Life Like a Millionaire Sweepstakes"



is getting closer.



We're going to

have winners take...






Hi, honey.



Robin Leach says we

should move to Antigua.



Oh, yeah?

Come on, hurry up.



Snap to it.

I'm ovulating.



I'm in the middle of

important show research.



Howard, seriously,

come on.



You know what?

You're getting baby fever here.



And you know, maybe

it's a little premature.



I'm about   days away from being fired,

the way I figure it.



And do you want

to know something?



You got to think about

the economics of this.



You're gonna be the best morning man

in the history of radio.



At any minute, you're

gonna be number one.



- Is that so?

- Yeah! Strip!



Let me tell you something.

Look at yourself.



You're completely on fire

about having a baby.



You don't understand.

I'm not a piece of meat.



I mean,

I have to be romanced.



Oh, yeah. Please.



Ooh, look at that bra.

Where did you get that?



You like this?



OK. That's it.

That's it!



I am making a baby!



It's baby time!

I'm ready to give you a baby.



Thank you.



Hold on.



OK. Now I'm hot.



Now I actually

want to have sex.



I didn't before

and now I do.



Announcer On TV:

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...



Robin, watch this.



What am I doing?



Uh, having a seizure?



No, that's not a seizure.

That's me dancing



because I'm happy

'cause I got laid last night.



- Oh!

- Yeah, I really did.



In fact,

it was not for lust.



It was 'cause I was

making a kid.



- Oh.

- In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.



They're very, you know,

she's getting older.



But my sperm

is like supersperm,



so I'm pretty sure everything

was delivered in one shot.



Oh, yeah.

Your sperm are fine.



My sperm are fantastic.

I'm fantastic.



I'm in a good mood.

Let's take some phone calls



and see what's doing

out there.



- OK.

- Hi, you're on the air.



Woman Caller: Hi,

is this Howard Stern?



This is Howard.



Oh, whoa.

Anyway, I was calling



because I have

a really big problem.



What's your problem?



Well, every morning

I lie in bed,



and the only thing

I can do is think of you.



Oh, really? Well, let's see if we

can't help you with your problem.



What do you look like?



Well, I've got blond hair,

and I've got blue eyes,



and my measurements

are about   -  -  .



Some people tell me I look

a lot like Farrah Fawcett.



I can help you.

Robin, I can help this girl.



You know, we have the most

beautiful audience.



We certainly do. We're

very fortunate that way.



You know what we're gonna do

to solve your problem?



I'm gonna have sex with you

right now over the radio.




How are we gonna do that?



Very simple.

I've thought this through, Robin.



First of all, what kind of radio

are you listening to us on?



You have a transistor radio, or you

have one of those big sound systems?



Caller: I have

one of those big sound systems.



Good. OK.



Could you turn the treble

all the way down



and put the bass

all the way up?



OK. The treble's down,

and the bass is up.



Howard: Take your speaker...

You got a big speaker?



Caller: Yes, I do.



Lay it flat

on the floor.



And I want you to sort

of straddle the speaker.



- Howard!

- Caller: Do what?



A woman cannot be aroused

in that way.



Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin.

You're absolutely wrong.



In fact, my father

was a radio engineer,



and he proved

this theory years ago.



You've got to believe.



Now, what I need you to do is put

your private area over the woofer.



Caller: I can't believe you're

really making me to do this.



Howard: Come on, do it.



Right up against it

so you can feel me.



I'm on.



Robin: Oh, I have

to ask her a question.



What kind of a woman are you

to have sex this way on the radio?



Don't answer that question.

Bad question.



You're gonna ruin

this woman's mood.



She might start




Are you ready

to have sex?



Caller, Giggling:

Oh, my God.















Ooh. It kinda tingles.



See? It tingles.

She likes it.



Yeah, sure.






Ohh! Oh...



[Howard Humming]



She's full of it.



[Caller Moans,

Howard Hums]






Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!



Listen to her.

She's going wild.



You got me moaning.


















Oh, my goodness.












This is the best sex

I ever had.



Ooh! Standing ovation.

Thank you.



- Oh, boy.

- Thank you.



Robin: Take your bows.



A woman on the air

had an orgasm.



Have you lost your mind?



But you got to admit,

it was a funny bit.



The audience loved

that stuff.



We just lost Stereo City.



This is not Muffler Man.

This is Stereo fucking City.



Dee Dee, you know

there's gonna be other sponsors.



No, there's not, Howard, 'cause

your career is over. You're finished.



Come on!

How can you say that?



Dee Dee,

I don't believe it.



He's up.



He's up?



In the new ratings book,

he's up...   points.




I love you.



  full points,

and Pizza Shack called.



They want to buy time

on the Stern show.



I go to Pizza Shack

all the time. Great.



This is a great time

to talk



about putting some money

into the show.



I know a guy,

he does voices, he does comedy.



Absolutely not.

This could be a fluke.



I guarantee you we'll go up   full

rating points if you hire this guy.



This guy

must be hot.



This guy is

total personality.



He's electric.



[Van Halen's

You Really Got Me Plays]



Hey, Rick.

How's tricks, buddy?



I've been coughing all day.



I feel like I'm about

to cough up a lung.



[Cough] Blecch!







Oh, no! It's Lucy!



# You got me so I can't

sleep at night #



# Girl,

you really got me now #



# You got me so I don't know

where I'm going #




Thank you very much.



# Yeah, you really

got me now #



# You got me so

I can't sleep at night #



# You really got me,

You really got me... #



Howard: Once the three of us

were together, everything felt right.



I mean, things really

started to take off.



I mean, things really

started to take off.



It was then that I made

a startling discovery.



She's a beautiful girl. You're telling

me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?



Howard: Lesbians

equal ratings.



Now let me say something.



I am the hero

of the lesbian community,



am I not, Robin?



I guess you are.



I absolutely am.



All right. Now,

let's get into it.



Julie, I want you to tell us

about your first lesbianic experience.






Tell me about the secret world

of lesbian sex.



Well, Howard, I was   .



Oh, you were so young.



Right. And I was working

at a summer camp.






And I was lying

in my bunk,



and the camp director's wife

walked in.



Ooh, now, that's hot.



Uh, everyone was asleep,



and I'm lying

in my bunk,



and she sees me

looking at her.



Howard: And then

what happens?



She, like, signals

for me to go with her.



What are you sleeping in?



'Cause this is

what I picture.



Little cotton panties,

a tight little undershirt.



No. I'm wearing, like,

little baby-doll pajamas.



Oh, you tease.



So then she takes me

into this tent.



When you walk in, lesbians

all over the place, right?



I mean, a whole lesbian

sex festival, right?



[Julie Chuckles]

Oh, you know it, Howard.



Man: Howard?









Alison on line  .

It is important.



Do you believe this, in the middle

of Lesbian Dating Game,



my wife calls in?




Maybe she wants to play.



Honey, you want to play?

You want a date with Julie?



Alison: Am I on the air?



Yes, honey, of course

you're on the air.



I told them I wanted

to talk to you off the air.



But, honey, you're in the middle of

interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.



You've got to tell everyone. My audience

wants to know why you're interrupting.



Don't you want to know,




I think we deserve to.



Yes, honey... Uh-oh, Al?

I think she's gone.



Alison: No. I'm pregnant.






Alison: I'm pregnant.



Robin: Congratulations,




It's my supersperm. I knew

my supersperm would do it, Robin.



You're so blessed.



Julie says we're blessed,




and Julie would know

these things.



Alison: Well, I appreciate her support.

Can we talk privately now?



Absolutely, sweetheart.



Wait a minute. Does she

know what she's gonna have?



Is it gonna be a lesbian?



Oh, please, Robin!

You've gone too far.



No offense, Julie.

Please, I don't need this aggravation.



We're gonna take a break. We'll get back

to making out with the lesbians



right after these words.



- Hi.

- Alison: Hey.



I can't believe it.



I can't believe you made me

do that on the air.



It's so exciting.

Did you call your mother?



I called, I called.

I feel so different.



I know.



Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.



I'm flipping

out, too.



I'm somebody's




Oh, my God!



[Crowd Chants "Howard"]




Love him or hate him,




disc jockey Howard Stern



jumped to the top

of the ratings today,



making him number one

in greater Washington.



Howard On TV: I took a dump of a

radio station and returned it to glory.



Howard In Living Room:

I look like Hitler.



Howard, Narrating:

I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.



I mean, we were gonna have

our first child,



and   weeks later,

the new ratings came out.



We destroyed every other

station in the market.



My life was perfect.



I'm gonna grab

this guy's hat,



if they show it.



Howard On TV:

I'll tell you another thing...



Look, watch this.



You're gonna miss it.



Come here.



Howard On TV:

I am Officer Howie,



and there's a new law in town.

We're taking it over.



Alison: How!



I love you.



[Crowd Chants "Howard"]



Al, you OK?



I think

something's wrong.



Even if I'd put you

in the hospital



and I pumped you full

of every medication possible,



you still would've lost

the pregnancy.



Your body rejected

what was going on.



And that's so healthy.

It's such a good way to look at it.



And in a couple of months,

we're gonna try to have a baby again,



and everything's

gonna go great.



You're gonna be totally confident

that everything's going good



because you know your

body would reject it



if it wasn't going

right... you know?



I have to tell my parents.



Not really.

We don't have to tell your parents.



You know

what you could do?



I didn't want

to tell you this,



but I took a polaroid

of the toilet.



And we can just mail them

a picture of that,



and they can walk

around Florida, you know,



and say it was

our grandchild,



and your mother

will be so happy.



She just wants pictures

to show her friends.



- No.

- You know that.



She just wants to be like all

the other yentas who walk around.



You know, we could name the baby

and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy Stern.



She could walk around with your father

and little Clumpy pictures.



Chorus, On Tape:

# All the weather #



# Now here's God #



Your Holiness.



Howard As God:

Hello, Howard.



There you are.



I see your wife

had a miscarriage.



Aw, don't bring

that up, God.



Please, that's way

too personal.



You tried to have a baby,

and you failed.



Oh, man!



Now the baby is with me!



This is crazy.



Boy, what a loser you are.



Wow! He's getting awfully

personal this morning.



Hey, God, me and my wife

are trying to have another baby.



A real man would have done it

right the first time.



Oh, for God's sake.



- It'll be pleasant today. Rain tomorrow.

- [Baby Crying]



That's my kid up there.



This is God with the weather

on DC    .



You're all wrong, God.



You're completely

out of line this morning.



I don't think we should be

talking about this.



I went to the doctor with my wife,

and it was an awful experience,



because the doctor walks out,

and there's the kid,



your beautiful child,



and he's no bigger than

the size of an aspirin.



Howie Jr., no bigger

than the size of an aspirin.



Robin: Was it a boy?



It was a boy, yes.

He had a little tiny penis.



And then you look at him,

and he's in the formaldehyde jar.



And I said to my wife,

"Honey, don't be upset



that Howard Jr.'s

in a formaldehyde jar.



We're gonna take him out of

this office, we'll bring him home,



and next week we'll bring him

to the zoo in a stroller."



Oh, please!



I don't want to talk

about it, Robin.



I really think

you need counseling.



I'm gonna play a record.

DC    .



We got some great tunes

for you this morning,



and then Robin will analyze me

when we get back from this song.



Very sad music.



[Taps Plays]



Not that, Fred.

Play something else, please.



For God's sake.



DC    . Here's

rock 'n' roll for you.



[Music Plays]



Hi. Al, you home?



Hi. How you feeling?

You OK?



How could you do that?

Do you think that was funny?



You think it's funny to make jokes

about our personal life like that?



You're an asshole!



What are you

talking about?



Alison, I love you.

What are you talking about?



Howard, not everything

is for your audience.



I need a life that is ours,

that belongs to us.



I'm on the air   hours a day.

I'm trying to come up with material.



I hate going out.



Too bad!



I said when we came here,

if I was gonna win on the radio,



I'd have to talk about everything.

I couldn't hold back.



- Howard...

- Come on, last night

we were laughing about this.



I just assumed

you thought it was funny.



It was funny for us

last night.



Privately, for us.



Alison, if I don't talk about

you and me on the air...



Shut up. Shut up.



The audience isn't

gonna be there.



Shut up! Shut up!



I won't make any money.



Shut up!

You disgust me!



I can't even look

at you, idiot!



It's hard, you know.



When he shares our most personal

details of our life together



with, you know,

millions of listeners, it's...



I wish that there were

more things that could be just ours.



But I think it's right that

I go crazy, you know?



You know, I think...

I don't know.



It's not simple.



Our entire Washington

radio audience has disappeared.



It seems the competition

has a disc jockey



that's caused a bit of a shift

in the listening patterns.



One disc jockey has wiped out

our entire audience?



Can we get him?



I've got such good news.

It's gonna blow your mind.



All right.

You go first.



OK. All right,

That's rude. You go first.



Go first.



OK. Listen to this.



I listen to radio.

I like show.



But don't make fun

of the Chinese people.



Make fun, not funny.



I didn't make fun

of the Chinese people, did I?






I bring egg rolls.



What is your news?

What is it?



It's unbelievable.



I got a job offer today

from WNBC in New York.



Afternoon drive, the most powerful

radio station in their chain,



$       a year.



And they said

if I do really well,



they're gonna syndicate

my program all over the country.



This is it.

This is everything I want.



It's like...

It's the dream, the Big Apple.



I'm pregnant.



You're pregnant?






Come here.






Come here.

Just come here.



Come here.



My God.






So what's going on?

What's gonna happen?



Everything's good.






She's gonna

get naked?



Yeah, sure. Of course.



All right. Let's get her out.

Let's do it.



She'll get naked?



Yeah. That's why

we're here, man.



OK, honey.



Hi. How's it going?



- Oh, my God.

- This is Gary.



How you doing?



Good. I'm sorry. I know

I told you I'd do this,



but I've really

changed my mind.



I don't want to do it




OK. What's, uh, like,

what's the problem?



What are you

worried about?



I just changed my mind.



Husband: What do you mean?

You are doing it.



We didn't drive here

for you to change your mind.



No. It's just very

humiliating to me.



What's humiliating?



It's not that big a deal.



We've done it a lot

on the show.



I think Howard would appreciate it

if you would do it for us.



No. I changed my mind,

and I'm really sorry.



I know I told you that I'd do it,

but I don't want to.



I think it's

very humiliating.



Husband: Honey, this is not humiliating.

This is show business.



You got a great body.

Let everybody see it.



Yeah. You're beautiful.



You're my husband. Don't make me do

something I don't want to do.



I'm proud of you,

and I want you to do it.



That's why we drove here

from Jersey.



What the hell is

this donkey here for?



Nobody told me anything

about a donkey.



It's a show business




The donkey's not part

of the act.



It had nothing

to do with you.



You'll feel at ease

once we go do it.



It'll just

take   seconds.



Right now, I need to know,

are you doing it or not?



No, I'm not.



Honey, you are doing it.



I changed my mind. And you're

my husband. You should support me.



Howard goes to New York.



Thanks for nothing.

Gino, let the donkey go.



Come on, guys. Wrap it up.

They're not doing it.



[David Bowie's

Let's Dance Plays]



# Let's dance #



# Put on your red shoes #



# And dance the blues #



# Let's dance #



# To the song they're

playing on the radio... #



Reporter: What you're about

to hear is going to shock you



because it's vulgar

and obscene.



It's x-rated radio,

barnyard radio.



You mommies and daddies out there

who complained to the radio station,



I got something

to say to you.



Here. [Passes Gas]



Reporter: This is a story

with a twist.



While we were producing

this report,



Howard Stern was lured away from

Washington by a New York City station.



That station,

you guessed it, is WNBC...



[TV Clicks Off]



This person is coming here

to work at our flagship station?






Brad, you gave this

trash-talking bastard a  -year deal



without even hearing him

on the air?



Yes, Roger.



He's on the FCC's

most-wanted list.



Roger, his rate...



Chuck, will you show

him the numbers.



Through the roof.



No, no. Don't bother.



You're fired,

all of you. Get out.



Get out!



You know,

unless he quits,



it's gonna cost half

a million dollars



to buy

Stern's contract out.



I reject that

on principle.



Uh, Mr. Erlick,

if I may?



Put me in charge

of the Stern show.



Let me ride herd on him,



and I'll mold that son of a bitch

into another Don Imus.



When I'm through

whipping him,



that boy will be asking

permission to wipe his ass.



You want to tame him?




either I'll tame him,



or I'll make him

so crazy...



he'll quit.



So either way,

we win.



I'll tell you,

these halls are, like,



you know, uh,




It's pretty wild.



Kenny. Howard Stern.



Hi. Hey,

How you doing?






Great to meet you.



Oh, it is such a pleasure

to meet you, Howard.



What can I say?

This is unbelievable, you know.



Kenny is the hottest

young programmer in New York City.



Howard, you gotta listen

to this man 'cause he's a genius.



Come on, now.

Ha ha ha ha.



Play nice.



Kenny: Thanks, man.

God bless.



Good seeing you.

I'll see you later.



He's terrific.



Oh, yeah,

he's been terrific.



Everyone's been so nice.

It's a good feeling.



Howard, how about

you have a seat?



Oh, Howard, Howard,

Howard, Howard, Howard.



[Both Chuckling]



Howard... the way

we work here at NBC...



is a more professional manner

than you're probably used to.



Now, see, I don't care about

what you did down in Washington,



'cause that's

chickenshit radio.



Here at NBC,

this is real radio.



And the first thing

you've gotta do



is say the call letters

properly, OK?



Now, I'm gonna teach you

how to say them, all right?



And you know,

I hope you can get them,



because, see, you don't

have a real good voice



like lmus or Captain Frank

or nothing,



so we're gonna

have to practice it.






you mean practice

in here now?



You're not going to get bashful

on me now, are you, Howard?



OK, you ready?



The way it's said

properly is...






This is key.



Come on.







No. No.



It's gotta be more

like this.



[Clears Throat]

Listen up.



[Voice Lilting]




You hear that?



Kinda lift,

that N BC.











Wider and kind of...







One more.



In my mind,

I'm hearing...



It sounds like I'm saying

exactly what you're saying.



No. Actually...






You've gotta

listen to Imus.



Imus does it




Tell you what. I'm gonna take you

down to lmus' office right now,



and you're gonna hear how he does it.

Come on, boy.



- You know, l...

- Come on.



I gotta tell you

something, Kenny.



I always saw myself sort of

something different than lmus.



That's why

you hired me.



You are original. You are original,

but... [Clears Throat]



You say a lot

of offensive things,



and occasionally

you are real funny,



but you've got to learn

to do what Imus does.



See, he doesn't actually

say the bad thing himself.



He says it

through a character.



Yeah, well,

I don't do character...



How about you go on

the air   A.M. This morning,



show us some characters.




Good. Now,

I'm gonna go in there



and just see how he's feeling.

You stay here. OK?



Mr. Imus?



Howard: Back then,



Don lmus was the number one

disc jockey in New York,



so I guess I was kind of

curious to meet him.



Imus: You are

interrupting me.



Kenny: I have, uh,

Howard Stern outside.



You have who outside?



The young man

from Washington that we...



You have Howard Stern

outside my fucking office?



How did Howard Stern

get outside my fucking office?



I brought him down...



Well, I'm not gonna meet

that stupid fuck. He's nothing.



Fuck off!



#    #



#    #



# WNBC #



Hello. I'm Robin Quivers,



and it's my great pleasure

to introduce you



to New York's

newest disc jockey.



Howard, Lisping:

Ooo-ey, that's me.



Hi. I'm Lance Eluxina

on W N BC.






I'm so excited



because I am New York's

first ever gay disc jockey.






And now I want to

introduce to you...



This is

so exciting...



I want to introduce

to you



someone so marvelous,

so wonderful to me,



someone who

has supported me,



is my life mate,

my soul mate, my love mate.



He's everything and anything

to me, Mr. Blackswell.




Willkommen. Bienvenue.



Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely

to see you here today.



Hi, Mr. Engineer. Hi.



Mmm. Give me

a kiss. Mmm!



You two are just

adorable together,



and it's a wonderful thing

to have you here,



but I understand there's

already been a problem?



Yes. You know

about this?



I was in the program

director's office.



His name

is Pig Vomit.



Yes, because he

looks like a pig,



and he makes you

want to vomit.



He's Pig Vomit.



Anyway, Pig Vomit

says to me,



"This is not WNBC.



It is W N BC,

W N BC,"



and I was not saying

the call letters right.



It's a big problem,



so in order

to rectify this,



I brought in a cup

of Blackswell's semen.






I squoze it myself.



I hope it's

not too tangy.



And what are you

gonna do with it?



I'm gonna gargle

with this



and say the call letters over

and over again until I get it right.



You think

that'll work?



I don't care, 'cause I love

the taste of a man. Ooga.



["Ooga" Continues]



All right, if I could

have some music now.



Mr. Engineer, please,

some music.



Would you, please?

Would you give us a record,



por favor?



[Disco Music Plays]



OK, thank you.



Now watch and learn.



# La la la

la la la #






[Saying Call Letters]



There she blows.



[Humming With Record]



Oh. Can you believe it?



You just swallowed.



I swallowed.

Oh, my God.



Waste not,

want not, Robin.






I wanna say I love




See? It worked.

I can say it.






- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.



- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.



- WNBC, please hold.

- WNBC, please hold.




# Stop it now... #



So we gave them

some characters, right?



Get in.



You goddamn




You fucking waltz

in here,



and you think you know

everything, don't you?



Well, I fucking worked

my fucking ass off



to get to

New York City,



and you sure as fuck



are not gonna fucking

blow it for me!



I was just

doing character...



Barry, Jerry,



clarify the situation

for him, please.




paragraph  :



"No jokes dealing

with flatulence,



"excretion, urination,




or other

bodily functions."



Also note paragraph  :



"No use of the so-called

  dirty words.



"These are cocksucker,




fuck, shit, cunt,

cock, and pussy."



Now, from now on,

all your little bits



are gonna be under

  minutes in duration,



and all scripts...

and I do mean all scripts...




my personal approval.



Welcome to NBC, Howard.



#    WNBC #



#    WNBC #



It's time for

The Match Game.



[Game Show Music Plays]



And thank you,

Mr. Announcer.



Hi, everybody.

My name is Gene Sternburn,



and welcome

to Match Game.



We have a lot of excitement

in the air today



because we have

some great panelists.



Let me introduce you

to everybody.



First of all, I want to

introduce all of you



to a very, very charming

and beautiful lady,



the very beautiful

Miss Brett Somers.



How are you, baby?



[Gravelly Voice]

Hi, Gene.



Hygiene, that's something

I don't think you have.



Hey, back off.



OK, and let's now go over

to somebody who I really admire,



the ex-president of

the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.



[Lmitating Voice]

Hello, everybody. Hello.



I'm very, very honored

right now



to introduce to all of you

a very special man.



He's come all the way

to our show for the first time.



Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman"




Well, thank you, Gene.

That's very nice of you.



Let's play our game now,

OK? Shall we?



And what we're gonna do is ask you

to fill in the blank, OK?



Now, I want you

to listen carefully.



Our first clue up is...



blank willow.



Blank willow.



[Music Plays]



Let's go over to

Miss Brett Somers right now.



Now, Brett, what did you

have for us? Blank willow.



The only thing

on my mind, Gene,



was pussy.






Pussy. Hey, all right.



Hey, that's kind of wild.



Pussy willow, that's

what I would have said.



All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon,

former president of the United States.



What did you have?

Blank willow.



In any language, pussy.



All right!



Now let's go

to our newest member



of the panel,



Mr. Jackie "Jokeman"

Martling. Blank willow.



Well, Gene, I didn't

write it too neat,



so I have

a sloppy pussy.



Sloppy pussy!



We had a sloppy and a fuzzy

pussy and a very big one.



Are we talking

about Brett again?



All right, now,

Let's keep going.



Now it's gonna get

a little rougher, OK?



Everybody ready?



Blank a-doodle-doo.



Blank a-doodle-doo.



[Music Plays]



Blank a-doodle-doo.



Think about that while

the celebrities are writing.



Here we are. Let's go over

to our Dick Nixon,



our own ex-president.

What do you got there, Dick?



Well, it takes a Dick to know

a cock, and that's what I wrote.






Now, that's what

I would have said.



That seemed

like the obvious answer.



OK, let's go to our own

Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.



Jackie The Jokeman?



Gene, I have cock,

and I wrote it big.



I have a big cock.



Uh, I don't think you can

say "big cock" on the radio.



I think that's a no-no.



But I just said pussy.



Yeah, she

just said pussy.



Yes, pussy is OK.

It's the way he says it.



"Big cock" coming out of

your mouth sounds awfully dirty.



So I can't say

"big cock,"



but you can say "big cock

coming out of my mouth"?



- That's correct.

- That sucks.



Did you just say, "big cock

coming out of your mouth sucks"?



All right,

enough of this nonsense.



We gotta move

to Miss Brett Somers.



Just like the boys,

Gene, I've got cock.



There it is, cock-a-doo...

do me a favor



and hold that up

so I can see your cock.



Aw, Gene, don't




All right, there it is.

Cock, cock, cock.



I must tell you, though,

we have to end this fun right now.



I want to thank all of you.

Give yourselves a big hand.






OK, let's have

a little music, Phil.



You did not have permission

to do that bit.



I never approved that script,

God damn it, Howard!



Wait a second.

Calm down, OK, Kenny?



There's a perfectly

good explanation.



I'm all ears, Howard.

Let's hear it.



I gave the script

to Fred.



[Still lmitating Nixon]

And I gave it to Robin over there.



Oh, that's right.

I'm sorry, Kenny.



I forgot to put it

in your box.



There you go.

Perfectly good explanation.



It'll never happen again,




You're goddamn right she's never

gonna do it again. You're fired.






Gather your things together,

Robin. Let's go.



Wait a second, Kenny.

What are you talking about?



She had nothing

to do with the bit.



It was all me.



Pack up your shit.

I'm not kidding. Let's go.



Kenny, you can't blame

someone over one lousy bit.



You can't go firing them.



Oh, yes, I can, Howard.



Robin, get the fuck out!



#... A boy could give you #



# Take my tears and... #



Listen to me.

Listen to me.



If you give me

a couple of days,



I know I can get you

back on the air.



Forget it.



They're trying to break us apart.

They're trying to beat us.



That's the whole point.

You and Fred should quit,



and we should go

somewhere else.



Quit? If I quit,

they win.



Don't you see? I don't want them to win.

I can't quit.



- You're not gonna quit?

- No.



You're gonna let 'em

throw me out like garbage?



No. I want to beat these guys,

stomp them into the ground.



The only way to do that

is to stay on the air.



I've gotta stay

on the air, Robin.



You're pathetic.



I'm not pathetic.



Just give me a couple of days

to make them understand.



I can convince these guys

to bring you back.



I know I can do that.

I have that ability.



Fuck you.



They're gonna hire you back.

How can you say "fuck you"?



[Horn Honks]



Hey, move it,




She hates me. She thinks

I'm total scum.



She thinks

I'm lower than scum.



She thinks you're

letting her take the fall.



Well, what do you think?



I think you've been loyal

to every person you've ever worked with.



That's the way you are,

you know?



You'll find a way

to get her back.



In fact,

I feel sorry for NBC,



because as soon

as you start in on them,



they're gonna be sorry they ever

fired her in the first place.



You're right.



I know.



Howard, Fred, I'd like you

to meet your new newsman,



Ross Buckingham.



Hi. Pleasure.



I'm looking forward

to joining the team.



Now, old Ross here's

quite lively,



and I think he'll

fit in well



with your special

brand of humor.



As a matter of fact,



I'm a bit of

an old comedy man myself.



I've done quite a bit

of light comedy in my younger years.



Summer stock... mostly.



Hundreds of people gathered

in Central Park this afternoon



to remember former Beatle

John Lennon,



who was murdered   years ago

today. Lennon's killer...



Hey, let me

ask you something, Ross.



Were you a Beatles fan?



Uh... y-yes,

l... I was, once.



Lennon's killer,

Mark David Chapman...



Now, Mark David Chapman, now,

there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.



Mark David Chapman,

what do you make of him?



I mean, he's probably in a prison cell

right now enjoying himself.



I say electrocute him. You gotta be

with that program, huh, Ross?



I hope this was a good idea.



Ross: Uh, I think

we're supposed



to be having

the news now.



Howard: Forget that.

Just repeat after me, Ross.



I want to kill

Mark David Chapman.



[Music Plays]



#    #



# WNBC #



Are we ready in there,

Freddy Boy?



OK. We've got our next

phone call to Ross.



Guess who's

on the phone with us.



I really have no idea.



Just take a wild guess.

Do it right off the top of your head.






This is a good one.

It's a good mystery guest.






What an ad-libber, Ross.



All right, I don't want to

put you under too much pressure.



Hi. Is this

Betty Jean Rushton?



Yes, it is.



Betty Jean, hi.

It's Howard Stern,






I work with

your husband Kenny.



Yes. Kenny's

mentioned you.



Oh, I bet Kenny has.



The reason I'm calling

is because your husband



has been very bitchy

around here lately,



and I'm thinking that maybe

if you gave him some more sex...



More sex?



Yeah. He's backed up.

Isn't he backed up, Ross?



Yes. You know, you might

be right about that, Howard.



Oh, really?

I am right.






You ever do that again,

I'll kill you.



I need Robin.

She's the anchor on the show.




what's missing.



You have violated

my wife.



I did not.



You soiled the sanctity

of my home!



What are you saying?

I didn't do anything.



I wouldn't even be

doing bits like that



if Robin was with me.



I never would have even

called his wife on the air



if I had Robin

sitting there.



She's the voice

of reason.



You know what?

You know what you are, Stern?



You're the Antichrist.



- What?

- Yes, that's what you are!



You are the motherfucking




Kenny, take it easy.



Well, this is an exciting day

for us here in the studio



because we have a stage star

with us.



This is Donna Porter

with us on the show,



and she's here to talk

about life in the theater,



and, Donna, I don't know

if you know this,



but our own news guy

Ross Buckingham



actually has some theater experience

as well, don't you, Ross?



Do you want to tell us

about that?



Yes. Um... I once did

some summer stock.



I know you're very,

very proud



of your summer stock




When you went on stage

the very first time,



did you ever

get nervous?



No, I was...

quite comfortable.



Howard: I see.

That's very interesting.



Then, in     



General Sarnoff

formed NBC radio,



America's first network.



I guess you could say

I was a little nervous



the first time I was ever

on stage with a   -inch kielbasa.



Now, why is that?



Can I show you?



Sure. I think we'd like

to see what you have.



Right now, you're getting

a look at a live broadcast



of The Howard Stern




That's about    inches,



and you're licking

whipped cream off a kielbasa,



and you're putting it

in your mouth,



and you're jamming

the kielbasa



all the way down

your throat.



Oh, my God.

Look at that.



The entire kielbasa

is going down.



She has swallowed an entire

  -inch kielbasa.



Look at that.

A full    inches, ladies and gentlemen.



Wow. You gotta

love that, folks.



You gotta love it,

don't you, Ross? Ho ho.



Ross Buckingham,

have you ever seen a woman




an entire   -inch kielbasa?



When you were

in the theater,



did you ever work

with a kielbasa?



What he did to me today



was the most unprofessional

and insulting experience of my life.



I hold you and this station

personally responsible.



If you want to fire me,

fire me. Go ahead.



But I refuse to work with

this man one minute longer.



Good day.



OK, it's  :   at W N BC.



Time for the news.



I'm not real good

at this, I confess,



but I'm trying...



Who the fuck

are we gonna get?



Beats me. No one wants

to work with him.



Is it Monaco or Mon aco?






That's what I thought.




Well, anyway, she's dead.



You know,

I'm thinking about...



What about Kelly Landers?



Absolutely refuses.



Says she'd rather quit.



I have a theory

that he is the one



who cut the brakes

on the car.



Now, I could be crazy, but I figure

a guy who's been married



as long as Prince Reindeer

is ready for a new wife.



I mean, Princess Grace...

beautiful woman and all that...



but she was losing

her looks. Let's be honest.



There were bags

under those eyes.



In other news,



One of Italy's

highest-ranking police officials,



General Alberto DeCarlo...



Kenny, we're one of the biggest

radio stations in America.



We can't just

not do the news.



My program director

Pig Vomit



gets assassinated

by Sicilians in Palermo.



Wouldn't that be wonderful?



I want to pray to God

right now.



Jesus Christ,

who I love so much,



more than anything

in the whole world,



I am begging you,




send a hit man to

the United States of America



to kill Pig Vomit finally.



Thank you. I love you, God.



I'll do whatever you say

if you just make that come true.



[Music Plays]



# Howard Stern, WNBC #



So if we bring Robin back,

you'll behave?




Robin's my anchor.



You can't trust him.




that's not fair.



And quite frankly,

I'm just a little bit hurt



that you're so incapable

of being supportive.



And, Vin, please, if

you hire Robin back,



I promise you

you won't be sorry.



You have my word.



Thank you.



We hate noise.

Isn't that right, Jerry?



Yeah. Makes me nuts.



No, it's

a very quiet street.



You're gonna like it here.



[Rhythmic Knock On Door]



Excuse me for a second.



You're back.

I got you back.



It's a miracle

of all miracles.



I can't talk right now.



Oh, hello.

How are you?



I even got you an office.

You're all set.



I'm showing

my apartment now.



You're looking

at this apartment?



Let me tell you something.

There are roaches the size of dogs here.



- I don't advise you living here.

- Excuse me.



It is disgusting.

Take a look behind the fireplace.



You'll see. Excuse me.

I'll come back and tell you.



What the hell do you

think you're doing?



Robin, you got your job back,

so what's the problem?



The problem is that

when I needed you,



you didn't stand

behind me.



Robin, those guys are assholes.

They screwed you,



and they screwed me. We gotta

get back in there and beat them.



We were supposed

to be a team.



We are a team,

for God's sakes.



We're gonna be the greatest team

in the history of radio.



Come on.

What's the big deal?



Look at me, Robin.




See this?



Look what I'm doing.



You know what I'm doing?

I'm begging you.



I'm begging you.



I'm serious.



Come here.

I'm gonna kiss your feet.



Look at these gams.



Look at these feet.



I'm worshipping your foot.



Look at me, Robin.



What are you doing?



People are looking

at us.



I'm begging you to...

I'm liking it down here.



Hey, Robin,



you love this,

don't you?



It gives me

great pleasure now



to welcome back

on our show



the very beautiful,




uh, vivacious...






beautifully big-breasted

Robin Quivers. I love her.



Thank you.



May I say that you are

beautifully big-breasted again?






Thank God you're back,

'cause the show sucked without you.



Actually, I just want to say

how much I really missed you and...






That I really do love you,



and I'm just

so glad you're back.



OK there, Mr. Rushton,



You pick up the phone,

and it rings right into my booth.



Good, but don't

answer it.



Immediately disconnect

Stern's microphone,



dump out of the delay,

and go straight to a record.



That would be it,




Always have a record

ready to go.



Yes, sir.



This little puppy's finally

gonna get housebroken.



Oh, look at this, Robin.

This is unbelievable.



Oh, the underpants

are coming off.



That is the first naked lady

in the history of radio.



Sans panties, sans bra.



I am shocked.



So am I.

This is disgraceful.



We should be taken

off the air.



You've finally done it.



Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art.

Did you know that?



Thank you, Howard.



Let me tell you




Now, to ensure our place

in the history of radio,



Mandy has agreed to actually

get on the floor with me



and give me a massage

while she is nude.



What does a massage have to do

with making it into history?



Who knows? I don't know.

Massage, schmas.



I just gotta

get touched.



I can't wait, Howard.



You can't wait?



Let me tell you something...



I'm not kidding around...

You are beautiful,



and my thoughts

are right in the gutter.



You understand what I mean?



This is the Tudor,




Center hall plan,

very traditional.



Naked Woman: I've been

thinking about you, too.



Only reason it's for sale

is they're divorcing.



Would you believe   %% %

of my listings are from divorces?



Howard: Mmm.

For God's sakes.



Now, what do you suggest

we do here?



Why don't you come lay

over here and get comfortable?



I could do that.



All right.



I can't believe

my luck here.



Don't hurt yourself

getting over there.



I won't.



All right,

hold on a second.



Let me get

my cans on.






Ooh, you know what?

You know... Oh, man.



Let me soak you in.



Holy cow,

are you naked.



You know what I like

about you?






I like that you're

the perfect height.



I could have sex

with you standing up.



Look at that. Ooh.




Howard! You're married.



I am? I mean, I am.



Well, I'm not really

married anymore.



What do you mean?



Take a seat. I'll

Tell you what happened.



My wife was suffering from cancer...

I never told you this...



and she died last night.



I've been single

for exactly   hours.



Honey, if you're

up there now,



I know you can hear me,

and you're at God's side,



but I want you to cover

your ears and eyes.



Besides, you're married

to God now...



Your husband's

quite a character.



Only on the radio.

It's just an act.



Oh, oh, that's nice. No one's ever

touched me like this before.



Let me ask you




You have the look

of love in your eyes,



but I'm an ugly man.

I know this.



You couldn't be physically

attracted to me, could you?



Physically, I am.



I mean, you're smart,

you're sexy.



Wait. Excuse me

for one minute. Robin...



I didn't say a thing.



Robin, go up to the cafeteria

and get some lunch.



Yeah, go ahead.

Tell me more about me.



You're funny.



You know what I would

do to you physically?



What would you do?



I don't know what I'd do,

but let me just say something.



Whatever it is,

it would last   seconds.




I'd be finished.



We would have sex, like,

   times a day. You would love it.



I kind of want to

wrap my legs around you.



You do?



The average radio listener

listens for    minutes.






The average Howard Stern fan

listens for...



are you ready for this?



An hour and    minutes.



How can that be?




most commonly given:



"I want to see

what he'll say next."



All right, OK, fine.



But what about the people

who hate Stern?



Good point.

The average Stern hater...



listens for

  /  hours a day.



Look, but if they hate him,



why do they listen?



Most common answer:



"I want to see

what he'll say next."



- Kenny.

- Fucking twisted. What?



You'd better listen to this.



Howard: This is nice.

You wanna know something?



This is

the God's honest truth.



Come here.

I want to tell you closer.



I am fully aroused right now.

I am totally engorged.



Oh, my God.



Naked Woman:

Well, after the show,



why don't we go someplace else

and see how it feels?



Really? That's great.



You know why I love you?

'Cause you're smart.



- And you're practically a virgin, right?

- [Telephone Buzzing]






You have a sharp ass.



I'm gonna be so honest

with you now.



- I've never said this before.

- [Music Plays]



I'm telling you,

I'm a full   /  inches,



and I've never been   / ...

What's the music?



We're off the air.



Are we off the air?



Oh. Would you do me a favor?

Just stay right there, OK?



What the hell's going on?

What are you doing, man?



Look, Rushton told me,

this phone...



Oh, come on, man.

Don't listen to Kenny.



I'm just doing what

he told me, that's all.



Shit, man, you don't

take me off the air



in the middle

of a fucking bit.



Come on.

Don't listen to Kenny.



You're supposed

to listen to me.



He's the boss.



Forget it.

You believe this?



What the hell

are they doing?



Yeah, hi.

Can I speak to Kenny?



It's Howard over

in the air studio.



Just hold the line.



As soon

as they get him on,



just keep him on the line.



Fred, get me back

on the air.



Just patch the phone call

onto the air, OK?



Just put it right through

as soon as you can.



Fuck, man.



# Oh, the canvas

can do miracles #



# Just you wait and see... #



Patch it in.



I said patch it in!



Yes, Robin, he's

running in right now.



Can I have the phone, please,

just for a second?



Hi, Robin.

We back on the air?



Robin: Yeah.

Everybody can hear.



OK, I'm right outside

Pig Vomit's office.



I'm gonna knock

on his door.



All right.



Hey, Pig Vomit.



Come on, Kenny.

Why don't you open up?



I want to know why

this guy had to cut my show off.



Come on, Pig Vomit.



Mr. Stern,

he's in a meeting.



I'd like to know

what meeting



is more important

than my show.



He took the show

right off the air.



What'd you take the show

off the air for, Pig Vomit? Huh?



This isn't funny, Howard.



Oh, it's not funny?



What are you

talking about?



I think

it's very funny.



How would you know

what's funny, anyway?



You're not bringing

that in here, Stern.



I don't see anybody

in here in a meeting, do you?



You gotta go.



Why would I have to go?



Why don't you explain

to my audience



why you had to

shut down the show?



I don't answer

to you, Stern.



Yes, you do,

you big idiot scumbag.



I'm your boss.

I'm your boss.



Hey, what's this?



Robin, it's everybody's

salary on his desk.



God damn it,

get out of here!



He hit me, Robin.

He's hitting me.



Robin: Hit him back.



I'm gonna

hit you back.



I hit him back.

He hit...



You're not getting

the phone from me, Kenny.



Gimme the damn phone.









Oh, my God, Robin.



Kenny just hit himself

in the face. He's bleeding.



Give that to me.



Hey, come on.






Robin: Oh, goodness,

what's going on?



Vince just got hit

by Kenny.



God damn it, Stern!



You look! See that?!

Blood, Stern!



- Are you OK?

- No!



Broke my nose!



It wasn't my fault.



I'll sue your ass!



Get out of here!



[Voices Overlapping]



Our first guest tonight



is the afternoon

drive-time disc jockey



at WNBC radio

here in New York City.



Ladies and gentlemen,

do me a favor.



Please welcome Howard Stern.






[Cheers And Applause]



Walk over there

and have a seat.



Now, uh, Howard,

you know, uh...



I admire you, you know?

I love what you do.



I think

you're a pioneer.



You're on the cutting edge

of radio entertainment.



You and I both work

for NBC.



You have

the radio show,



I have the little

TV show here.



How do you get along

with the folks here?



You enjoying

the experience?



I hate it at NBC, Dave.



It's the worst. It sucks.

I gotta tell you something.



All the management at NBC...



bunch of creeps, and I'm not

afraid to say it right now,



and, you know,

it's funny,



because I know you feel

the same exact way I do about NBC



because you told me on the phone

personally last week



that you feel

the same way.



I couldn't be happier.

Everything is fine.



I don't understand

them at all.



Now, Howard, let's get

back to the issue

of them being creepy.



Now, when you say

they're creep...



He makes us sound like

a bunch of idiots on the radio.



He criticizes us

on television.



I thought you were going

to control this guy.



Oh, well,

we are, sir.



In fact, we're designing

a more restrictive program



- Shut up.

- To make sure...



How are his numbers?



The official ratings don't

come out until tomorrow,



but we've got

some projections.



Stern... has gone...



from a  .  to a  . .






He's number one

in the market.



He's the hottest d.j.

In New York.






Kind of weird,

you know?



I thought there was

a mistake or something,




mm-mmm... no.



My girlfriends think i'm crazy for

letting you behave like that on the air.



What are you

talking about?



You know what it is?

It's those yentas you hang around with.



They're... they're

driving you crazy.



It's not yentas, Howard.

It's everybody.



I can't even go... I can't

even get my hair done.



I can't even walk in

and get my hair done



without people looking at me like,

"Oh, God, that poor little thing."



Then you know

what you gotta do?



You gotta go to a different

hair shop or something.



- Please!

- For God's sakes,



If the place is driving

you crazy, don't go there.



It's not that!

It's not that!



God, no wonder they think

you're sleeping around!



Look at me!

Look at me!



- I'm disgusting!

- What about you?



- You're not disgusting.

- Yes, I am! I look like a house!



- I look like an elephant!

- You don't look like a house.



- You do not. You look beautiful.

- I look like Babar!



- You don't look like an elephant.

- I do.



You don't look like Babar.

You look gorgeous.



This is the most beautiful

you ever looked.



You're carrying our baby.



Come over here. You want to

sit down on this couch?



You know what the problem is?

You're tired.



I am tired.






Look at this...



It's our baby.



It's beautiful.



You're beautiful.






[Doorbell Buzzes]



Who would come here?






[Doorbell Buzzes]



I don't want

to get that.



- [Buzz]

- Oh.



OK. I'll go

get the door.



- Don't go away.

- [Buzz]






Howdy, partner.



- How you doing?

- Oh, hey, Kenny.



Can I come in

just for a second?



It's kind of

a bad time, OK?



Just real quick, OK?




I want to tell you




You've won.



When the new ratings

come out tomorrow,



you are going

to be number one.



You understand me? A point

and a half higher than lmus.



- No shit?

- You've killed him. You've slayed him.



You understand me?

Ha ha!



That's great news.

Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.




Howard! Howard!



Listen, I know I've been

a real pain in the butt, OK?



But that's

all over with now.



Now, you're going to need

a friend on the inside.



I'm going to do

everything I can for you.



All right?

How's that sound, partner?



Fuck you.









People of New York...



People of Earth...



we are gathered here today



in praise of me!






Man, this is

a great day in my life.



I've been dreaming

of this day forever.



Thank you!






You know,

when I got to NBC,



they treated me

like I was a jerk.



They did everything to

sabotage me, but because of you...






Because of you,

and only because of you,



I am now the number one

disc jockey in New York,



and I thank you.

I love you for that.



I love you!



Thank you!



This is my gift to you,

New York...






[You Shook Me

All Night Long Plays]



# She was a fast machine #



# She kept

her motor clean #



# She was the best damn

woman that I've ever seen #



# She had the sexiest eyes #



# Telling me no lies #



# Knockin' me out

with those American thighs #



# We did not

want to share... #




My water broke!






My water broke!



# Bang, the walls

started shakin' #



# The earth was quakin' #



# My mind was achin' #



# We were makin' when you #



# Shook me all night long #



Hey! Hey!



# Yeah, you shook me

all night long... #



Keep it moving!



# One more time,

and when she got to... #









Now, push! Push!



No, no, don't push.

Just breathe deeply.



Don't push, honey.



Ice chips.



Fuck ice chips,




Listen to me...



we named her Emily.

  pounds,   ounces.



She was incredibly

beautiful. Really nice.



Well, you must

have felt fabulous.



Yeah, I had everything I ever

wanted in life, you know.



You know,

I have to admit



that I'm really not

a very big fan of yours,



but, in fact, l...



I know. You thought I was

a disgusting, sexist, racist pig



who had the maturity level

of a  -year-old, right?



Yeah, exactly.



Yeah. I get that

all the time.



But then you know

what happens?






I grow on you

like a fungus.



I could see that.



You know, I have

to tell you...



this has been

a really great flight.









You know, I could

get this girl.



I know I could get her.



And this is the hell

that's my life.



I mean, think about it.



What would it be like

to have sex with her?



It would be amazing.



But I'm not going

to act on it.



You know why?



Because I'd be a schmuck.



No, because

I love Alison.



She stuck with me through

the whole thing, you know?



You gotta respect that.



I think you have

to respect that.



You have to

respect that.



Hey, everybody!



- Daddy!

- Daddy!



Oh, did I miss you!



Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!



Let's go say hi to Mommy.

Come on.



- Hi.

- Wait, wait. There we go.



Did you miss me?




Hi, honey.

I missed you.



Oh, Gloria.



Honey, Gloria.

Gloria, honey.



Honey, Gloria.

Gloria, honey.



- Hi.

- Hi.



Maybe the two of you

would like to have



a little menage a trois




Huh. You know what?

Maybe some other time.



Just, you know,




Yeah, I know.



OK. See you,




Howard: So occasionally I make

a fool of myself in public,



and the FCC

wants me off the air,



and every fundamentalist group

in this country hates my guts,



and, yeah, most of the things

I do are misunderstood.



Hey, after all,

being misunderstood



is the fate of all

true geniuses, is it not?



But my life

isn't bad at all.



I'm still on the air,



I've got my kids,



and I've got Alison.



Alison... She's the best friend

I could ever have.



And who knows?



With a little time,



the right energy...



I think I could talk her

into some hot lesbo action.



Porno For Pyros:

# Got my hands into something #



# I could not touch... #



Stuttering John:

Wait! Wait! Is that it?



What, the movie's over?



Oh, yeah?

That's bullshit!



Hi. You know who I am?

Yeah, I'm Stuttering John.



And you know why I'm pissed?

I'll tell you why.



I've been getting up at  :  

every morning to work for Howard.



I've been pissing off

every publicist,



burning every freakin'

bridge in the industry,



And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay

me back by putting me in his movie!



No, he doesn't!

I'm not in the movie!



I've been in here for   years,

cuttin' his friggin' potato!



I've been smacked around

by Morton Downey,



punched in the nose by Raquel Welch,

and what do I get?



I get fucking nothing!

That's what I get!



I'm not even in

this fucking movie!



He's says I'll

be in the sequel!



Yeah? What sequel?

Suppose the movie sucks?



Th-th-th-there won't

even be any sequel!



# If you lie for your breakfast,

then you won't get lunch #



# I'm a hard charger #



# I don't believe in dying #



# No such luck #



# Hard charger #



# Can't stay pretty

'cause it's just no fun #



# Hard charger... #



Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

Mia Farrow.






Thank you.



Thank you.



The nominees

for best actor are...



Harrison Ford...






Denzel Washington...






Robert DeNiro...






Tom Hanks...






Howard Stern.






And the winner is...



Howard Stern.






[Trumpet Fanfare]



It's me!










# I'm a radio star #



# A hit on TV #



# My life is on film #



# Yet it sucks bein' me #



Ben: Shut up! Sit down!



# My life's a wreck #



# I'm bored with sex #



# I've got a big nose

and a skinny neck #



# I can't sing #



# I can't dance #



# I make money talking about

the joke in my underpants #



# I'm a tortured man #



Shut up! Sit down!



# I'm a tortured man #



I told you not to be

stupid, you moron.



Howard: I'm just

thinking for a minute.



Should I trade half my money

for    times as much sex?



It's an equation

from hell.



Ray: Oh, well!



It's an equation

from hell.



Oh, well!



It's an equation

from hell.



Oh, well!



Marilyn Manson:

# Your mouth is like a suicide #



# Talkin' like

you never doubt #



# Melting me down #



# And suck, suck,

sucking my brain #



# But I can't be the one

that you need, yeah #



# And I can't be the... #



I bear no grudge

against Howard Stern.



He's been very successful,

and God bless him.



God bless him.



But I'll tell you




I ain't done

too badly myself.



Uh, I manage

a shopping mall



down in

Florence, Alabama.



Yeah. It's the number one

mall in Colbert County,



and it's number  

in the state,



So, it's not

too bad, you know?



Uh, I play golf

several times a week, you know?



Uh, but

I'll tell you,



if Howard would have

listened to me,



I'd still be

up there in radio.



Still be doing

radio, you know.






How about that?



That goddamn motherfucker,

you know?






I tried every fucking thing

I could fucking think of



to mold him into

a proper kind of d.j.,



- but that goddamn son of a bitch...

- [Jackhammer]



I'll tell you...

Howard Stern, man.



- That motherfuckin'...

- [Siren]

- [Jackhammer]



And I'll say that

with no shame either!



- Man's a...

- [Jackhammer]







the man's immature,

you know?



- He's like a... child.

- [Jackhammer]



I'll tell you

this much.



There ain't no God while

Howard Stern's walking the earth,



I'll tell you that.



I gotta go.



How about that?

Howard Stern, huh?



Howard Stern can

kiss my ass in hell!







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