Once upon a time,
many years ago...
two burglars broke into our
neighbor's house in Rockaway.
Mr. and Mrs. Needleman
had gone to a movie...
and the following
events occurred.
I say we should answer
the phone.
Do you wanna wake up
the whole neighborhood?
Hello?
You, Mr. Marty Needleman...
have been chosen
from the telephone book to...
guess that tune!
Jesus.
Can you tell us
what is the tune...
the orchestra is playing?
I can't hear it.
Would you turn on the radio?
Find the radio
and turn it on!
What's going on?
I can't hear.
What are you doing?
I think I know it.
Come on.
Jesus.
"Dancing in the Dark"!
That's right!
And nowfor question 2...
on the way
to the grand jackpot.
Here's the tune.
"Chinatown, My Chinatown."
That's correct!
And now, the chance
for the grand jackpot...
with all the prizes.
This one is not so easy,
so get ready.
I know that!
I know that. I know.
What?
"The Sailor's Hornpipe."
"The Sailor's Hornpipe"?
That's right!
Mr. Marty Needleman,
you've won the grand jackpot!
Ahh! I'm rich!
That night, the Needlemans
returned home...
and were shocked to find
a ransacked apartment...
with $50
and some silverware missing.
But the following morning,
a truck arrived.
Let's all sing
like the birdies sing
Tweet, tweet, tweet,
tweet, tweet
Now, I love old radio stories.
And I know a million of 'em.
I've collected 'em down through
the years, like a hobby.
Anecdotes and gossip...
and inside stories
about the stars.
Plus, I recall so many
personal experiences...
from when I grew up and listened
to one show after another.
This girl singing used to be
a favorite at my house...
one of many.
Now it's all gone...
except for the memories.
The scene is Rockaway.
The time is my childhood.
It's my old neighborhood...
and forgive me if I tend
to romanticize the past.
I mean, it wasn't always as
stormy and rain-swept as this.
But I remember it that way...
because that was it
at its most beautiful.
In those days, the radio was
constantly playing at our house.
My mother, for instance, never
missed her favorite show...
"Breakfast with Irene
and Roger."
Good morning, darling.
Pass the orange juice, please.
Very well.
That was quite
an opening night...
we attended last night,
wasn't it?
Yes, wasn't it divine?
Everyone was there, from Rodgers
and Hart to Cole Porter.
Yes, darling.
There were two completely
different worlds.
While my mother stood over
the dirty plates in Rockaway...
Irene and Roger ate
their elegant breakfast...
over the air from their
chic Manhattan townhouse...
while they chatted charmingly...
about people and places
we only dreamt of.
You look marvelous, darling.
Tomorrow morning, we'll be
telling you all about it.
And also about
the new Moss Hart play...
which I hear is just divine.
This is Irene Draper...
and Roger Daley saying have us
for breakfast tomorrow...
and every morning.
And have a wonderful day.
My own personal favorite show...
was something called
"The Masked Avenger"...
who I fantasized was a cross
between Superman and Cary Grant.
Little did I know.
...While I was on the scene?
It's the Masked Avenger.
It's off to jail for you.
I hope you'll enjoy
making license plates.
I'd like to tell you
the story...
of the Masked Avenger's
secret compartment ring...
and how it turned me to crime.
But first,
you have to meet me...
and my family.
There I am in my Masked Avenger
hat and goggles...
which I got off my friend
in a trade.
And then there were
my father and mother...
two people who could find
an argument in any subject.
Wait a minute!
Are you telling me
you think the Atlantic...
is a greater ocean
than the Pacific?
No, have it your way.
The Pacific is greater.
I mean, how many people
fight over oceans?
Then there was my uncle Abe.
He kept bringing home fish...
from his friends who worked
at Sheepshead Bay.
Ceil, I'm home!
Ceil, I got fish!
I got great fish today.
What do we need rawfish for?
And of course my aunt Ceil...
who dreamed
of a more exciting life...
than always having
to filet his flounder.
They're fresh fish!
He has friends
at Oscar's dock...
so he can't spend
a single afternoon there...
where they don't load him up
with fish.
You don't like it,
take the gas pipe.
Next, there was
Grandpa and Grandma.
Every single morning...
he spent a half-hour
packing her into her corset.
I'm pulling, I'm pulling!
A woman in her 70s,
and her bosom is still growing.
Nathan!
Abe and Ceil's daughter
was cousin Ruthie...
who entertained herself
by sitting and listening to...
the next-door neighbors
on the party line.
Mrs. Waldbaum's
having her ovaries out.
Both or one?
Get off the line, OK?
Stop listening in on my phone!
Stop snooping on us!
All right, all right.
Don't get your bowels
in an uproar.
Nobody's snooping.
Oh, yeah? My wife
hears her breathing!
And she giggles!
Hey, Waldbaum. Waldbaum...
you think we care
what goes on in your house?
Let them take her ovaries out.
What's it our business?
Mrs. Waldbaum had
a steel plate in her head...
and it was said she couldn't
walk near magnets.
Finally, there was Aunt Bea,
who only wanted to get married.
This is a Lindy.
My dancing teacher gave me
this great new step for it.
Hey, Tess?
Tess, I can't decide...
if I should take
my vacation on a cruise...
or go to the mountains.
I mean, the men
are richer on a cruise...
but there's more of them
in the resorts.
What do you think, Tess?
Well, I met my husband
at a mountain resort...
so I'd advise you
to go on a cruise.
That's very funny.
Can we get back to my idea?
We buy cultured pearls.
We box 'em here in velvet...
and we sell 'em mail order.
I can get a good price.
You were in jewelry.
It didn't work.
We got stuck with
the rhinestone earrings.
You don't have
a business head.
You got stuck with
mail order parts...
you tried seeds...
then you lost money
selling greeting cards.
You know we have 6,000
"get well" cards in the closet?
There aren't that many
sick people in America.
Forget it. I'll spend the rest
of my life at the job I do.
There's nothing
wrong with it.
What do you do, Dad?
It's none of your business.
All my friends know what
their dads do for a living.
Don't you have
any homework?
Hey, can I have 15 cents
for the new Masked Avenger ring?
No. What am l,
made of money?
Pay more attention
to your schoolwork...
and less to the radio!
You always listen to the radio.
It's different.
Our lives are ruined already.
You still have a chance
to grow up and be somebody.
You think I want you working
at the job I do?
I don't even know
what your job is.
You gotta get an education.
While I'm getting it, can I get
the secret compartment ring?
We don't have
money to waste.
Do you think we all
like living together?
We'd like to save up,
maybe have another child.
Your father works all day
like a horse...
supporting everybody.
-At what?
-He's a big butter-and-egg man.
What do you mean, "our lives
are ruined already"?
I didn't mean "ruined" ruined.
We're poor, but happy.
But definitely poor.
Isn't this a beautiful sea bass?
Who wants to join me, hmm?
By now, you've
probably guessed...
that the Masked Avenger's
secret compartment ring...
meant a lot to me.
Well, it did.
Because they were gold
and mysterious...
and they fit any finger.
The box top, I already had.
But the 15 cents was hard
to come by in those days.
I tried not thinking about it...
but it was very hard
to keep off my mind.
And the masts and the sail.
You even have to work
with the tweezers...
to get some
of the small stuff in.
I'll pass it around.
That was lovely, Evelyn.
Arnold, why don't you
come up...
and show the class
what you have?
Just go stand right over there.
Go ahead.
I found this
on my parents' night table.
That will be enough!
You go sit down!
What did I do?
You told me to bring something.
Put that thing in your pocket
and sit down!
Ross, why don't you
come up here?
You have something suitable
to show the class, don't you?
Yes, I do.
Very good. Stand right here.
This is my Masked Avenger
secret compartment ring.
It's very special to me.
Now basically,
I was an honest kid.
But there are some things
in life...
that are just too compelling.
That afternoon at Hebrew school,
a scheme occurred to me.
Next week, we are going
to issue collection boxes...
and each of you will be
asked to go out in the street...
and collect funds
for the promotion...
of a new state in Palestine.
Hey, can you give
to the Jewish National Fund...
and help us build a homeland
in Palestine? Please? No?
Hey, how about you?
Can you give to
the Jewish National Fund?
Can you help us? Anything?
Hey, how about--
Can you? Can you? No? Oh.
Give to
the Jewish National Fund?
Hey, can you give us--
Hey, excuse me.
Can you--give it to me,
please. Thank you.
Guys, we got enough here
to get Masked Avenger rings...
and an ice-cream soda.
We gotta leave some
for Palestine.
Why should we leave anything
for Palestine?
It's all the way over in Egypt.
It's a sin. What if
the rabbi catches us?
Hey, they'll never find out.
Besides, I can handle him.
You sure?
Positive.
Dimes! I got 4 dimes!
Monies for
our Jewish homeland...
used to buy this
"masked adventure" ring?!
My heart is full of grief.
It swells with anguish!
He'll pay back every cent.
-Yup.
-Shut up.
I don't know what to do, Rabbi.
Every night,
he listens to the radio.
I can't keep him away.
I say, "Go to the beach.
"Play in the sun.
Get some fresh air."
No. "The Lone Ranger,"
"The Shadow,"...
"The Masked Avenger."
This is not good.
This boy needs discipline.
Radio, it's all right
once in a while.
Otherwise, it tends
to induce bad values...
false dreams, lazy habits.
Listening to the radio...
these stories
of foolishness and violence...
this is no way
for a boy to grow up!
You speak the truth,
my faithful Indian companion.
To a rabbi you say "my
faithful Indian companion"?
Hey, hey.
Don't hit my son!
What kind of upbringing is this?
Look, I'll hit him,
but you don't hit him.
I know better
how to teach the children!
I said, I'll hit him!
You leave him alone!
No, I'll hit him
because you are too lenient!
Oh, I'm lenient? Watch.
That's lenient?
That's lenient?!
I am a faithful Indian?
Such an impertinence?
Rabbi, I will teach
him some manners.
Yeah, I'll show him lenient.
Think that's lenient?
Enough, enough.
You'll hurt the boy.
And so, that ended
my career in crime.
And I never did get
the Masked Avenger ring.
But to this day...
I still get chills when
I recall his famous sign-off.
Be sure and tune in tomorrow...
for another adventure
of "The Masked Avenger"...
when he flies over
the city rooftops...
and we all hear his cry...
Beware, evildoers,
wherever you are!
Tess, did you see my yellow bag?
I didn't touch it.
Aw. Ooh, what is that?
Ooh, turn it up.
What's the fuss?
She's got a big date.
Mr. Manulis
finally asked her out.
Oh, what'd he do,
go blind?
Him with the insults, right?
Hey!
You should go tell her
that she looks nice.
Yeah. I'll tell her,
I'll tell her.
Mrs. Waldbaum found a pocketbook
in the subway...
and she doesn't think
she's gonna give it back.
You ought to stop listening.
Tess, can I borrow
your anchor pin?
Well, sure, sure.
Oh, God, he's so handsome!
I waited so long.
I never thought he'd ask me.
Where'd you meet him?
In the Catskills.
He rides horseback...
he dances,
he's some tennis player.
Sounds like a perfect victim.
What's he do for a living?
His firm imports coffee.
What do you do
for a living, Dad?
Get my cigarettes,
will you?
Oh, this could be the answer
to my prayers.
Bea, don't you think it's
about time you compromised?
I don't know the meaning
of that word.
So stay single.
Do you smell my perfume?
It's good, right?
Oh, gosh. OK, uh,
Ceil. Ceil, get it!
I don't want to appear
too anxious.
I've been cleaning
fish all afternoon.
That man never stops
bringing home fish.
I'll get it.
Oh, my gosh. My glasses.
Coming. I'm coming.
Almost forgot my glasses.
Oh, well, hello. Come on in.
Would you come in, please?
I'm Bea's sister, Tess.
Well, how do you do?
Is Bea ready?
Oh, she'll only be a minute.
This is most of my family.
Hello, hello!
And this is my husband.
Ah, pleased. Pleased!
That's quite
a firm handshake you got.
Oh, well, sure.
I hate when somebody
shakes your hand...
they put a dead paw in it.
You know what I mean?
Have you been waiting long?
Oh, not at all,
sugar. Hey.
Well, have a very nice time.
Yeah. Come on, sugar.
It's into the old jalopy.
We're gonna paint
the town red!
Oh, gosh.
Didn't Bea look lovely?
What did she do?
Fall into a vat of perfume?
You know, when we were younger,
of the 3 sisters...
she used to be
considered the pretty one.
Some contest.
Oh, what do you know?
You're lucky I love you,
you old goose bag.
Aunt Bea and Mr. Manulis
were having a wonderful time.
He took her out for
the evening to Coney Island...
where they went roller-skating.
And although she had
never roller-skated...
before in her life...
in his capable hands,
she did her best.
He took her for oysters
and beer.
And as she later
told the story...
she was shy about having
to wear glasses...
and kept trying to hide the fact
that she needed them.
Aunt Bea was really developing
a crush on Mr. Manulis...
and as they ate and joked,
it would've been impossible...
to guess that
their evening together...
would soon end
in total disaster.
Oh, did I have
I wonderful time.
I'm still a little tipsy
from that beer.
Oh, really?
'Cause you only had one.
I know, but alcohol
affects me strongly.
And you,
how can you even drive?
You must have had 5 beers.
Well, I'm a big boy.
I could have 10.
Oh, and it's so foggy.
Yeah. I love the fog.
It's very romantic.
What's that?
Oh, you're not gonna
believe this...
but we're out of gas.
Oh, gosh.
Wouldn't you know it?
Right out here on the tip
of Breezy Point, too.
Hmm. Looks like
we're stuck here.
Least till the fog lifts.
Oh, well. What's a girl to do?
Oh, Sidney. Oh, Sidney,
this is our first date together.
Aw, Bea, you know
how I feel about you.
We interrupt this program...
to bring you a special
news bulletin.
A state of emergency
has been declared...
by the President
of the United States.
We're switching live
to Wilson's Glen, New Jersey...
where the landing of hundreds
of unidentified spacecraft...
has now been officially
confirmed...
as a full-scale invasion
of the Earth by Martians.
I can't believe my eyes--
Dying...being trampled
in their efforts to escape.
The power lines
are down everywhere.
We could be cut off
at any moment.
Oh, my gosh!
There's another group
of spaceships.
The alien ships
are coming out of the sky.
Despite his bravado
all evening...
Mr. Manulis panicked
and bolted out of the car.
He was so frightened
by the reports...
of interplanetary invasion
that he ran off...
leaving Aunt Bea to contend with
the slimy green monsters...
he expected to drop
from the sky at any moment.
She walked home 6 miles.
When Mr. Manulis called her
for a date the next week...
she told my mother to tell him
she couldn't see him anymore.
She had married a Martian.
Now, earlier...
I promised some inside stories
about the stars.
Well, here's
a little something...
that actually happened one night
with Roger and Irene.
Everyone's here tonight,
sweetheart.
Isn't that Richard?
Oh, Richard!
We saw that show at the Morosco.
You're right. It's terrific.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I thought I saw Ernest Hemingway
at the bar, darling.
Well, I heard
he was in town, actually.
Cigars. Cigarettes.
Oh, I'll have some Camels.
Hello, Mr. Daley.
Where have you been?
You don't return my calls.
I can never get ahold of you.
I told you it was over.
Please don't say that!
You call me all hours.
I mean, I meet you
in hotel rooms...
in the back of cars,
in stalled elevators...
you're gonna lose your respect
for me.
Please don't be
unreasonable.
Cigars. Cigarettes.
Cigar, please.
Thank you very much.
Sally, you can't
just break it off now.
I'm in love with you.
Yeah.
If you loved me...
you'd leave
your wife and marry me.
Well, I can't do that.
Our ratings are too high.
Hi, Roger.
Oh, hi.
Lucky Strikes, please.
Tico-tico!
I look at you,
and I'm aflame with longing.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
I'm a single girl.
I want you, Sally.
I crave you.
I've already spoken to the head
of the agency about you.
He wants to meet you.
-Really?
-Yeah.
I told him you were the most
promising young actress...
I'd seen in years.
But you've
never even seen me act.
I've got great intuition...
and I care so much about you.
I've just got
to have you, Sally.
I'm exploding with desire.
We can't do it now.
I'm working my shift.
There must be somewhere we
can be alone for a few minutes.
I'd be taking
a real chance.
I told my wife
I was going to have a drink...
with Richard Rodgers.
You know, we always table hop
for a long time.
Well, let me think.
And so, as the story goes...
Roger and Sally set out...
to find a secluded
trysting place...
while Roger's wife Irene...
spent her time
drinking and hobnobbing...
with society's most interesting
and exotic Latin playboy.
I think it's probably
pretty safe up here.
And under the stars
An orchestra's playing
Listen, I only got
a 10-minute break.
Come here, baby.
He wants to meet me?
Who?
The head of the agency.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Come here. Yeah.
Oh, wait.
Can you take this off?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, there you go.
You tell him
I could sing?
Sure.
Yeah?
Like a nightingale.
You told him that?
-Yeah.
-Promise?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Boy, that was fast.
Probably helped
I had the hiccups.
I have to get back
to the table.
Hey, Sally,
this door's locked.
It is?
It's locked from the inside.
Oh, no.
What are we gonna do?
The trick is not to panic.
There's no other way down.
Well, we'll have
to climb down.
We can't climb down
the side of the building.
What do you think I am?
Didn't you know the door
was locked from the inside?
No. I never actually
came up here...
with anybody but you.
Oh, my God.
What a predicament!
And that's exactly
how it happened.
No matter how hard they tried...
Roger and Sally
could not get back in.
Legend has it that
an electrical storm broke out...
and that he was struck
by lightning--
had to miss his show
for a month.
Another version of the story
I heard...
said that Irene
came up to the roof...
with the same intention
as her husband...
and that Sally got fired.
The other 3 were
so sophisticated...
they all spent a weekend in
the same hotel suite in Havana.
It's terrible.
They have no respect.
They should be thrown
out of the neighborhood.
It's a disgrace.
My nerve's on edge
because I'm so hungry.
You think they fast?
They don't care about
the High Holidays.
They eat, even though
you're supposed to fast.
Grandma can't stand
the radio next door.
It's awful.
It's just awful.
Wait a minute.
Dad, I don't understand.
I thought that you're
allowed to turn it on.
No, no. For 24 hours,
you're supposed to do nothing.
You can't even turn on
a light switch.
Just sit and fast and pray
and atone for your sins.
Well, how come
they're not?
Well, what do they care?
They're communists.
That's right.
They don't believe in religion.
Abe, go speak to them.
What, you want me
to talk to them?
I'd like to burn
their house down...
but I'm not allowed
to light matches today.
If they don't believe it
themselves...
at least they should do it out
of respect for the neighbors.
It's terrible.
They're Jewish...
but they don't believe
in God, just Stalin.
Well, I'm just gonna go
tell them a few things...
that's all.
Hey. Hey, listen.
What the hell are you doing?
Can you turn off the radio?
We're praying in there.
-Praying?
-Yes.
What good is that?
You should be working.
Working for the benefit
of your fellow man.
It is a sin to work today.
It's a sin not to work.
Are you gonna pay
for this fence?
Today is the most holy day.
Can't you please
turn off the radio?
Cut that off.
He's been there over an hour.
Yeah. Meanwhile,
the radio's still on.
Better be careful.
The daughter believes
in free love.
Why do you say that?
You heard what happened
to Mrs. Silverman?
She couldn't sleep.
She was up one night
taking a cup of tea...
and she heard a car pull up
3:00 in the morning.
So, you know Mrs. Silverman.
She always likes
to know what's going on.
So, she's peeking out
her front door...
and there's the girl
across the street...
coming back from
a folk-singing thing...
with a tall colored man.
You're not gonna
believe this, Ceil.
She gives the guy
a big, long kiss.
Well, you can imagine
how Rose Silverman reacted.
She had a stroke on the spot.
Her arteries hardened.
The woman remained frozen...
the teacup
on the way to her mouth.
They never saw anything
like it at the hospital.
I'm telling you, Ceil,
she was as stiff as a board.
I'm home.
It's about time.
Abe, they're still carrying on.
What'd you do there
for over an hour?
Oh, I talked.
Or should I say I listened.
Hey, you didn't eat?
I did eat.
Abe, we're fasting!
They're right.
It's silly.
Oh, my god, Abe.
I mean, look, I should fast
to atone for my sins?
What are my sins?
Who did I bother?
The only sin is
the exploitation...
of the worker by the bosses.
Listen to him.
Did the daughter
get ahold of you?
No, no. You see, the problem
is not between man...
and some imaginary super being.
It's between man
and the owners of 90%...
of the world's wealth.
What do you mean,
some imaginary super being?
You don't believe in God?
Look, religion is
the opium of the masses.
That's the problem.
Abe, God will punish you.
No, God is not interested in--
in me. He--
What's the matter?
What is it?
Abe?
I have chest pains.
Abe, really?
My goodness.
Abe, are you all right?
I can't breathe.
No, stop it.
Just relax. Just relax.
Try. Breathe out slowly.
Abe, I told you
God would punish you.
You see? I was right.
This time he was right.
All right, I'll get
the doctor's number.
Maybe it's indigestion.
What did you
eat over there?
Uh, some pork chops.
Pork chops?
And some clams.
Abe.
And chocolate pudding.
Abe, how could
you do this?
And some french fries.
French fries?
You ate french fries?
You won't eat
my french fries...
but you'll eat the Russian's--
the commie's french fries?
I'm gonna get him
some bicarbonate.
That's too good for him.
He deserves an enema.
Oh, Ceil.
Yeah, right.
Oh.
Hello, sports fans...
and welcome to
today's edition...
of Bill Kern's
"Favorite Sports Legends."
Now, in my family...
each person had
his own favorite show.
For instance, my uncle Abe
was a great sports fan.
And he always listened
to Bill Kern.
Today's story
is about a baseball player.
His name was Kirby Kyle...
a lean southpawfrom Tennessee.
He played for
the old St. Louis Cardinals.
He threwfast, and he
had a good curve ball.
And all the hitters knew it.
He was a kid
with a great future...
but one day...
he went hunting.
He loved to hunt...
just like his father
and his father's father.
Chasing a rabbit, he stumbled,
and his rifle went off.
The bullet entered his leg.
Two days later,
it was amputated.
They said he would
never pitch again.
But the next season,
he was back.
He had one leg...
but he had something
more important.
He had heart.
The following winter...
another accident
cost Kirby Kyle an arm...
fortunately not
his pitching arm.
He had one leg and one arm...
but more than that...
he had heart.
The next winter...
going after duck...
his gun misfired.
He was blind...
but he had instinct as to
where to throw the baseball.
Instinct...and heart.
The following year...
Kirby Kyle was run over
by a truck and killed.
The following season...
he won 18 games...
in the Big League in the sky.
This has been Bill Kern...
with another
favorite sports legend.
Well, to tell you the truth,
you look pretty good.
While uncle Abe loved
the "Bill Kern Sports Show"...
his wife Ceil adored a very
prominent ventriloquist.
And this always used
to drive Abe crazy.
He's a ventriloquist
on the radio.
How do know he's
not moving his lips?
Who cares?
Leave me alone.
Ceil and Abe's daughter Ruthie
had her own favorite program.
Naturally, it was one
of those romantic boy crooners.
She and her girlfriends used
to sit and swoon endlessly...
over the sentimental lyrics
and velvety voice.
The local boys, of course,
were all a little jealous...
and they used
to look on disgustedly...
thinking the girls
were real jerks.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
the makers of General
Spark Plugs bring you...
"The Court of Human Emotions"...
with world famous counselor
on affairs of the human heart...
Thomas Abercrombie.
And now, my friends--
My mother and father
loved to hear the show...
where ordinary people
were helped...
with their personal problems.
Six years ago, his mother
came to live with us...
and she won't leave
and he won't throw her out.
Claire, how can I throw
my own mother out?
What do you mean?
You grab her by the throat...
and throw her out.
Oh, just like that.
Just like that.
Grab her by the throat
and throw her out.
Why don't you just get
a knife and stick it in here?
That's what
you should do.
I'm not gonna stick
any knife anywhere!
Throw my mother out!
I found the show silly...
and always imagined
my parents on it...
airing their standard
complaints.
He's a business failure.
He never finishes
what he starts.
We're forced to live
with my relatives...
and thank God for them.
And I could have
married Sam Slotkin.
Sam Slotkin's dead.
Yes, but while he was alive,
he was working.
She'd be lost without
her whole family...
around her all the time,
and you should see 'em.
They're like some kind of tribe.
They're like the Huns.
Maybe if I had married...
a more encouraging woman,
who knows?
So who do you
think is right?
I think you both
deserve each other.
What does that mean?
Look, we didn't come here
to be insulted.
I love him, but what
did I do to deserve him?
Naturally,
my folks never were...
on the Mr. Abercrombie program.
In fact,
the only radio celebrity...
any of us ever
really met in person...
was the 14-year-old
mathematical genius...
of a quiz show my father loved
called "The Whiz Kids."
Hey, Tess, that's one of
the kids from the radio.
It's a Whiz Kid.
Hey, Joe, it's one
of the Whiz Kids from the radio.
It's one of the Whiz Kids.
Hey, excuse me.
Pardon me?
We really enjoy
your son on the radio.
You're a real genius.
Yes, I have a 160 I.Q.
And that is extraordinary
by any standards.
This is our son.
Say hello.
Hi.
Charmed to make
your acquaintance.
Although perhaps charmed
is really overstating it.
Your son is a whiz at math.
Hey, quick. What's 1,754
divided into 13 million, huh?
Martin.
Yeah, this palooka
can't even pass...
a simple arithmetic
exam, you know?
And now, if you'll excuse us.
Boy, what a kid.
So well spoken.
Why can't you
be like that, huh?
Why can't you be a genius?
I'll tell you why.
Because you're too busy...
listening to the radio
all the time.
That's why.
Put your hat on.
Put his hat on.
Honest to goodness.
Aunt Bea listened almost
exclusively to music.
Because of her,
I grew up hearing...
the most wonderful songs.
To this day,
there are certain songs...
that no matter where I am,
the minute I hear them...
I get instant memory flashes.
For instance,
every time I hear this song...
I think of Evelyn Goorwitz...
who I had a crush on,
but who didn't like me.
And I remember
her pretty girlfriend...
treating me like
I had the plague.
But eventually,
persistence won out...
and I did break down
her resistance.
I can never hear this song...
without recalling
my parents' anniversary.
It was the only time
I ever saw them kiss.
It was
a very wonderful memory.
Now, when this song
was popular on the radio...
I remember
a strange little event.
My friend Andrew and I
built a snowman...
in front of the school...
and he supplemented
its anatomy...
with a particular vegetable.
Another song that
we listened to on the radio...
was by Carmen Miranda.
I can only think of
my cousin Ruthie...
and how much she loved it.
"Mairzy Doats."
I remember when I first heard
that song on the radio...
and I always associate
its popularity...
with a bizarre incident
when Mr. Zipsky...
normally a very quiet man
in the neighborhood...
had a nervous breakdown
and ran amok...
through the shopping district
of Rockaway.
My most vivid memory connected
with an old radio song...
I associate with the time
that Aunt Bea...
and her then-boyfriend
Chester...
took me into
New York to the movies.
It was the first time
I'd ever seen...
the Radio City Music Hall...
and it was like entering heaven.
I just never saw anything
so beautiful in my life.
OK. Now, remember
Sally the cigarette girl?
Well, I want to come
back to her now...
because there are
some great radio stories...
associated with Sally.
She was one
of those characters...
that always seemed to be around
when things were happening.
Plus, she eventually
became the star...
of my aunt Ceil's favorite show.
But that's later.
Right now,
we find her struggling.
A coat-check girl in a nightclub
run by a mobster.
It's after hours.
Oh, my god!
You killed Mr. Davis!
I saw you shoot him!
No!
Oh, no!
Where are you taking me?
Shut up.
You're gettin' yours.
It's nothing personal.
It's just bad luck
you were a witness.
My whole life I had bad luck.
Me, too.
Where are you from?
Brooklyn.
Yeah? Me, too.
Whereabouts?
Canarsie.
Me, too.
Yeah?
85th Street.
I was 86th Street.
-No kidding?
-Yeah.
You must know Joey's Clam House.
Yeah, I eat there
all the time.
You know, this is
a funny coincidence.
I don't meet anybody...
from the old
neighborhood in years.
I finally do,
and I got to kill her.
You were Freddy White's
daughter, huh?
But I remember you
when you had little pigtails...
and braces on your teeth.
But you were the cutest
little girl in the neighborhood.
Here you are.
You need bullets, too?
Here.
Grazie, Mama, grazie.
Honey, you said that
you enjoy the peppers.
Wait, I'll give you some more.
They're delicious.
Yeah, right here.
Eat some more of these...
because you said you enjoy them
very, very much.
Thank you.
Where are you
gonna dump her body?
I'll dump her body
in Jersey, Mama.
4:00 in the morning...
you want to dump
her body in Jersey?
Dump her in Red Hook.
Sweetheart.
Look, these shrimps
are nice and fresh.
I made them today.
Listen, I ain't
gonna squeal. Honest.
I can keep a secret.
I know everything about
everybody on Broadway.
Really. Places I've worked.
I got secrets on everybody.
Think I go around talking?
But what do you do?
She sings, Mama.
Oh, yeah? That's nice.
Yeah, that's right.
I can act, too.
I'd just do anything
to get on radio.
I'd be happy to give
the weather report...
or interview people.
I think I'm a natural.
Oh.
I'm a great dancer.
But you can't dance on radio!
I know, 'cause
they can't see you.
I know.
Wait. Wait.
Come here, Rocco.
Come here. Come here.
I got to tell you something.
You come over here with me.
Listen to me.
You don't have to fear.
Don't worry about that girl...
because she's
not too fast up here.
She wouldn't make no trouble.
Yeah. Well, I feel
sorry for her, Mama.
She wants to get
into radio so badly...
I think some men
take advantage--
She's so pretty.
Listen to me.
Then your cousin Angelo
could help her.
Yes, because he knows
everybody on radio.
He could get her
any little part...
because they owe him
this favor.
All right.
Now they not only decide
not to bump Sally off...
but they get a relative
to ask an unrefusable favor...
on her behalf.
I don't know if people
were bribed or threatened...
but the result was that
she suddenly found herself...
with a big acting part...
on a very serious
dramatic radio show...
that was doing Chekhov.
Now here's the payoff
to the story.
The country never
got to hear her act...
because at the last minute,
fate stepped in.
The Japanese have bombed
Pearl Harbor.
Earlier this morning...
a surprise attack
was made on our naval base...
with enormous casualties
to the United States.
We are pre-empting
this show to bring you...
a special report
on the enemy attack...
and a statement from the
President of the United States.
Aren't we gonna do the show?
What do we do?
Come back Monday?
Who is Pearl Harbor?
In one terrible moment...
world events had come between
the listening public...
and Sally White.
And suddenly,
the nation was at war...
and lives changed.
And Sally, like everyone else,
found herself doing her bit.
I don't want to walk without you
Baby
Walk without my arm about you
Baby
I thought
The day you left me behind
I'd take a stroll
And get you right off my mind
But now I find that
I don't want to walk
Without the sunshine
Why'd you have to turn off
All that sunshine?
Oh, baby
Please come back
Or you'll break
my heart for me
'Cause I
Don't want to walk without you
No, sirree
My friends and I...
acting on advice from
the radio G-Man Biff Baxter...
collected scrap iron
every day after school.
Our local soda jerk, Lita,
joined the WACS...
and looked good in uniform.
And Mrs. Riley had
a Victory Garden...
in her flower pots.
On the radio, stories changed...
and now it was
the Japanese and Germans...
who were the villains.
OK, you Axis rats.
I know you've
got submarines...
sneaking around
the coast of America.
We have no submarines.
Yes, you do!
U-boats and airplanes.
But we Americans are...
always on the lookout,
always alert.
Take that!
OK. I think you've
learned your lesson.
One American with courage
is worth 20 of you.
Come along.
Uncle Sam knows what
to do with Axis rats.
My friends and I hung on
Biff Baxter's every word...
and when he said
to keep a sharp eye out...
for enemy planes and submarines
lurking off the coast...
our parents laughed,
but we took it seriously.
Remember, if we see
any German planes...
I do have a number to call, OK?
Aw, look at that.
Hey, look. There's one.
No. No. That's one of ours.
You sure?
I don't think the Germans
can get over here so easy.
They can!
The Masked Avenger says
they're working on rockets.
Hey, look! There's
a Japanese bomber!
-Let me see!
-Get off!
Hey, wow! Look in that window!
Let me see! Let me see!
What do you see?
Jesus! What legs!
Hey, it's my turn.
Hey, hand 'em over.
What do you see?
Oh, God, I can hardly breathe!
Later that afternoon...
we all walked down
to the water's edge...
and the talk had
shifted away from Nazis...
to more important matters.
Boy, she was pretty.
Nah, she was nothin' special.
She was all right...
but my favorite
is Rita Hayworth.
I like Betty Grable.
I like Dana Andrews.
Are you kidding?
Dana Andrews is a man.
She is?
Yeah. Didn't you ever
see "Crash Dive"?
With a name like Dana?
Say, guys, want to look
for planes or something?
I'm going home.
Yeah. I'll come with you.
Let's go listen to the radio.
I didn't care if
the guys went home.
I was in a funny mood
that afternoon.
I just stood there,
looking out at the Atlantic.
My mind was thinking
about life and women...
and a million different things.
And then, suddenly, I saw it.
It was just like Biff Baxter
described it.
It came up and went under
so mysteriously and silently...
that I couldn't believe my eyes.
I never told anyone
about it afterward...
because I doubted
my own experience.
Besides, I knew that
no one would believe me.
No one except Biff Baxter.
They're either
too young or too old
They're either too gray
or too grassy green
The pickin's are poor
and the crop is lean
What's good is in the army
What's left will never harm me
They're either
too old or too young
So, darling,
you'll never get stung
Tomorrow, I'll go hiking
with that Eagle Scout unless
I get a call from Grandpa
For a snappy game of chess
I've looked the field over...
What are you doin'?
I'm out of nylons, but lots
of girls paint them on now.
Better hope it doesn't rain.
Oh, right!
Oh, Tess, I really think
this could be the one.
I hope so.
He's so good-looking,
and he's good-natured...
and he has his own business...
and his fiancee
died last year...
so he's obviously
marriage-minded.
How come he's not in the army?
-He has flat feet.
-Oh.
But that's his only drawback.
Oh, you really think...
you could love a man
with fallen arches, huh?
I know. You think
I'm too demanding.
I do. I think you have these
qualities that you demand...
and when you meet a nice man...
you disqualify him
for the smallest fault.
That's not true.
So, what was wrong
with Nat Bernstein?
He wore white socks
with a tuxedo.
That's not a good enough reason.
And then, when you fall
in love with somebody...
there is always
something wrong with him.
Yeah. Well, they all seem fine.
I don't know.
You've got this sixth
sense for picking losers.
Sometimes I wonder...
do you really want
to get married?
More than anything!
Don't you think
I want to have a child...
before it's too late?
God, how I envy you.
I just want it to be perfect.
Well, it's never perfect.
If you wait for perfect,
you don't get pregnant.
You wind up with your teeth
in a glass of water.
Easy for you to say.
I compromised when
I picked Martin.
I mean, I wanted someone
tall and handsome and rich.
Three out of three
I gave up.
Well, I think you did
right to compromise.
Why? You don't think I could
have done better than Martin?
I know. You could have
married Sam Slotkin.
So, why didn't you?
Well, Sam Slotkin
was a mortician.
He always smelled
from formaldehyde.
And don't think that
Martin didn't compromise...
when he picked me.
I mean, he always dreamed
of being a business tycoon,
having a beautiful, blond wife.
I tell him the day he becomes
a tycoon, I'll dye my hair.
Well, at least
you have each other.
That's all I want--someone.
So, you have to lower
your standards a little.
You know, marrying for
love is a very recent idea.
In the old country,
with Mom and Pop...
they didn't marry for love.
A man married a woman
because he needed an extra mule.
Yeah, but meantime,
you're the one that listens...
to all the romantic
soap operas on the radio.
Yeah, well, I like to daydream.
But I have my two feet
firmly planted on my husband.
First we're gonna go to the
movie, then we'll go to eat...
and maybe I'll ask
him back here...
although I don't want to seem
too forward on the first date.
You really like this guy, huh?
Oh, I like him so much.
Well, we'll say
a prayer for you...
and then, maybe this time
next year, you'll look like me.
Hey, you know what
I was thinkin', Tess?
What?
If I could learn engraving
and buy a machine.
Not another "get rich" scheme.
I could make a few dollars
engraving, let me tell you.
Hey. Now, let me tell
you the beauty part.
Yeah? I'm waiting.
When you engrave gold rings
and lockets, you know...
what you cut out
when you make the letters...
falls down on the table
and accumulates.
-lt's gold dust.
-Forget it, will you?
It'll be like all
the other ideas.
Gold dust, Tess,
and the engraver owns it!
Hold my wool.
If it's a girl, I thought
we could name it Lola.
Lola? What do you want
her to be, a stripper?
And if it's a boy, Lionel?
No son of mine is
gonna be named Lionel.
I want an "L" name
after my Uncle Louie.
Oh, your Uncle Louie.
How about louse?
The news is not good tonight.
Reports are that
Nazi tank divisions...
are pushing American
infantrymen back...
in furious armored warfare.
Meanwhile, on the second front,
Japanese have taken control...
of two more islands
in the Philippines...
and are advancing on American...
This is John Jenkins,
broadcasting from London...
and the bombs are falling
even as we speak.
And the morale of the boys
is good here in Guadalcanal...
despite heavy losses.
What do you think, Martin?
You think Hitler's gonna win?
Sometimes I wonder
about the wisdom...
of bringing new life into
the world, I'll tell you that.
Come on. Lights out.
It's blackout.
Oh, God.
Another air raid drill.
Between the Nazis and the
Communists, give me those Reds.
Stick to your fish.
What do they want, those Nazis--
to slaughter everyone
on the planet?
The Nazis, the Communists.
The world would be better off
without any of them, believe me.
Come here. You know what
W.C. Fields said, don't you?
He said, to settle a war...
the leaders of
the countries involved...
should meet in a stadium
and fight it out...
with socks filled
with horse manure.
Hey! Put that light out!
Maybe you should wake him up
to see the searchlights.
No, no. Let him sleep.
He's got school.
So beautiful.
Wow, what a world.
It could be so wonderful if
it wasn't for certain people.
Later that night,
I was awakened...
by the sound
of our radio in the kitchen.
I had a very nice time.
Yes. It was wonderful.
It was such a clear night out.
You could see all the stars.
I think I should be going.
Oh, don't go. It's not late.
Well, I have to drive
back to the Bronx.
Fred, you must know I have
a little crush on you.
Please, Bea.
What is it?
What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just I...
What's wrong?
Is it still your fiancee?
It's been such a long
period of grief.
It's not fair to you.
I know. I know.
It's just that every time
I hear that song on the radio...
my memory goes back to Leonard.
That was our song.
Leonard?
My beloved.
You never said your
fiance's name was Leonard.
How could I?
I see.
Just calm yourself.
Would you like a drink?
No.
Just relax.
It's a nice song.
You guys, shut up!
The principal's coming!
Sit down!
Good morning, class.
I'd like you to know...
that your regular teacher,
Mrs. Nash, is ill today...
and you will have
a substitute teacher.
Now, now. Children.
Children, please.
Be quiet. No noise.
I want you to be
very good today.
I want you to be on
your very best behavior.
Miss Gordon,
would you please come in?
They're all yours.
OK, class.
We're going to
begin today--
Well, first, let me tell
you what my name is.
I'm Miss Gordon.
Oh, God, we're all
going straight to hell.
I conclude
the Miss Gordon episode...
with just one observation:
for some miraculous reason...
it's a wonderful feeling
having a schoolteacher...
you've seen dance naked
in front of a mirror...
but that's how it happened.
Now, I want to take a minute to
tell you how Sally wound up...
because it's one of
the radio legends of the time.
Get regular with Re-Lax
Start every day the Re-Lax way
Your system will feel so great
You'll want to relax on
the top of the Empire State
Get regular with Re-Lax
Start every day the Re-Lax way
When your tummy's not so hot
Remember, "X" marks the spot
Get regular with Re-Lax
The Re-Lax way
No, no. More feeling!
It has no inner life.
We need the name
of the product...
to be enunciated
a little more clearly.
Please, I'll deal
with the performers.
And let's cut the phrase
"X marks the spot"...
because people will be
reminded of Ex-Lax.
You're being too touchy.
Why take the chance?
Let's run it again, Sally.
Three, four...
Get regular with Re-Lax
Start every day the Re-Lax way
-Your system...
-No! No!
Will feel so great,
you'll want...
Like this:
Re-Lax, Re-Lax
Well, what should
I be thinking inside?
Think laxative.
Think soothing relief.
Please. I'll give
her a motivation.
Laxative, darling.
You crave one.
Try again.
Three, four...
Get regular with Re-Lax
Start every day the Re-Lax way
Your system will feel so great
You'll want to relax on
the top of the Empire State...
It's not the commercial,
it's the girl.
She has no flair for it.
She's the best who auditioned.
What do you think, Mr. Monroe?
I think she's correct
to represent my laxative.
She's fresh.
Her voice is natural...
and she does it simply.
What do you think, Doris?
I don't like her.
Get rid of her.
Sally hung around
the Broadway area...
and tried to break
into broadcasting...
but the only roles she ever
seemed to wind up with...
were in the bedroom.
Then one day, as she would
later tell her biographer...
the voice of God told her
to take diction lessons...
and her whole life changed.
Hark! I hear the cannons roar.
Is it the king approaching?
Hark! I hear the cannons roar.
Is it the king approaching?
Hark! I hear the cannons roar.
Is it the king approaching?
Hark. I hear the cannons roar.
Is it the king approaching?
No, no, no.
The cannons roar.
Sally practiced faithfully
every day for many months.
Her natural speech was
a great obstacle to get over...
yet through diligence
and perseverance...
plus a rather special
intimate knowledge...
of many Broadway
personalities...
it was only
a question of time...
before she emerged
a full-blown star.
And now, the makers of
Lady Lydia facial cream...
bring you "Sally White
and Her Gay White Way."
Good evening, and cheers
to you all out there.
My first exclusive--
Clark Gable was in town
this week in uniform...
and where did he go?
To El Morocco, naturally.
That brunette on his arm...
was Lolly Hayes,
an up-and-coming starlet.
Hope you had fun, Clark.
And didn't Rita Hayworth
look stunning last night...
at the Copacabana?
Oh, Abe, how come
you never take me...
to the Copacabana
or El Morocco?
Take the gas pipe.
I suppose you
would have been happier...
married to Rita Hayworth.
You gotta ask?
Believe me, Abe, those
show business celebrities...
get divorced every 6 weeks,
but we're together forever.
I may take the gas pipe.
Just once, I'd like to
eat at the Stork Club.
They don't take Jews
in the Stork Club.
No Jews, no colored.
Abe, this is
the United States of America.
Now here, try taking
Minnie's maid Cleopatra...
to the Stork Club.
You'd get curb service.
Damn.
Don't hit it, Abe,
you'll break it.
I know what I'm doing.
Naturally, he did break it.
He sent it out to be repaired...
and a week later,
I was sent to pick it up.
My parents told me that
since it was so heavy...
I could take it home by taxi,
but I had a brilliant plan.
I figured if I carried it,
I could keep the cab fare.
The first half-mile
was barely manageable.
Pretty soon, I realized
I was gonna have to give in...
and that I was not
gonna save any money.
Hi.
You?
I'm helping out
a friend, you know.
Come on. Get in.
That's how I found out
what my father did for a living.
For some strange reason,
he was ashamed of it...
and even then,
he didn't admit it.
It didn't bother me
one bit, though.
I loved him.
In fact, I gave him
the biggest tip he got all day.
Chimson's coffee is
having a slogan contest.
You write it in
to their radio show...
and you win a refrigerator.
That fraud!
What's a good slogan?
Wait a minute,
wait a minute. I got one.
How about,
"A coffee with oomph!"
That's terrible.
Oh, yeah? What's
your idea, big shot?
"Good to the last drop"?
That's Maxwell House.
Come on.
I knew I'd heard it.
"It won't keep you awake,
it will keep you happy."
Hey, that's not bad.
It's catchy, right?
Yeah.
-Ooh!
-What? What?
It's happening!
Hey, Ceil. All right.
Easy, easy, easy.
This is really it.
Now, put your arm around me.
I am so ready for this.
Put your arm around me.
All right.
Nice and easy. Ceil, this is it.
This is it. I'm so excited!
A baby! I can't wait!
I want a girl.
Take it easy.
You should get a girl.
Oh, you should
get a girl. No problem.
Abe, isn't this wonderful?
You want to have a baby?
Slow, slow, slow.
You got the bags?
Suitcases. Yeah.
Nice and slow.
Here you go, honey.
You did a good job.
Aw!
Yeah, she did a good job.
You did a good job, too, Martin.
I did a great job.
It was very difficult.
Tess, you haven't met Sy yet.
Oh, pleased to meet you, Sy.
My pleasure. Congratulations.
Oh, and this is
my brother-in-law Abe.
-Hello.
-Hello.
And Ceil.
-Hi.
-Hello.
So, we better be going.
We're gonna take your son
into Manhattan for the day.
Oh, great. Lucky boy.
Sy has a new car,
and we'll do some driving.
Don't lose him, all right?
No, we won't lose him.
I'll be good. Don't worry.
Have a good time.
-Thanks.
-lt's nice of you.
-Thanks a lot.
-Ok. I'll see you soon.
Don't give them any
trouble, all right?
I'm not going to
give them any trouble.
-Bye.
-Drive carefully.
Have a good time.
-That's very nice.
-Bye.
Bye, Sy.
Nice. Nice looking.
He's not bad. I like him.
Why is she wasting
her time with him?
He's married.
Really, Ceil?
He's supposed to be
getting out of it...
but you know how tight
some women hold on.
No. Tell me about it.
I hope she knows
what she's doing.
She'll be all right.
Martin, are you sure you want
to call the baby Ellen?
Sure. Sure. Why not?
It's in memory
of your cousin Eddie.
In memory? He's not dead yet.
He should be.
Oh, Martin, you and your jokes.
Aunt Bea and her boyfriend...
gave me one of
the best days I ever had.
They took me
to my first radio show...
and if that wasn't
thrill enough...
Aunt Bea was chosen
as a contestant.
You're from Rockaway, huh?
Yes.
And what do you do, Bea?
I'm a bookkeeper.
Oh. For a minute, I thought
you said beekeeper.
I'd hate to get stung.
Now, you chose as
your topic "fish."
How'd you get
to know about fish?
Well, my brother-in-law
brings home fish...
from Sheepshead Bay
all the time...
and we all help with them,
and after a while...
you get to identify them, and--
Oh, that's great. I get it.
Well, now, can you
tell me what this is?
Aunt Bea had no trouble.
Years of living in the same
house with Uncle Abe...
had turned us all
into ichthyologists.
And finally, how about this one?
That's a flounder.
No, no, no.
That's a fluke.
You're sure?
That's a fluke.
Well, this is no fluke.
You've won 50 silver dollars.
Boy, a chemistry set.
I can't believe it.
I've always wanted
one of these.
This is so great.
God, I can't wait
to get home and open this.
Oh, this is fantastic.
Bea.
It was a lovely afternoon.
A lovely afternoon.
Gosh, I almost forgot
what a fluke looked like.
It's a good thing I remembered.
Well, this time next week...
we won't have anything
hanging over our heads.
I'll be free
of all my obligations.
Are you sure, Sy?
I've only stayed
because of the children.
I'm telling you,
Bea, mark my words.
This time next week,
I'll be a free man.
And the most expensive one
in the store, too.
I can't believe this.
So what are we gonna do
with the rest of the money?
What Aunt Bea did with
the rest of the money...
was treat us all to
a Broadway dance palace.
She and Sy seemed very much
in love, and she seemed happy.
But it was not to be
because after a week...
Sy did not leave
his wife and children...
nor did he
after two weeks nor ever.
And as the year
came to a close...
Aunt Bea would soon be
back to her old dreams...
of finding a true love.
Still, on this night,
no one had any thoughts...
except what a wonderful time
we were all having.
Aah! Ohh! Oh, my God!
Did you do this? I'll kill you.
When I catch you,
I'm gonna kill you!
Come here! Don't you
run away from me!
What happened?
Look what he did
to my good coat.
What?
Bea bought him
a chemistry set.
He made purple dye and--
Wait a minute.
That's the coat...
I gave you for
an anniversary present?
Look at it!
No, you don't hit him.
I'll hit him.
I can hit him,
I can hit him!
You're too easy with him.
I know how to hit him.
Abe, have you seen Mama's teeth?
She left them in a glass
of water yesterday...
and she can't find them.
The kids were playing
hockey with them.
They were playing hockey
with Mama's teeth?
Yeah. They're about
the same size as a puck.
Oh, listen!
Isn't that the conga?
Oh, my teacher said
you could meet...
very interesting men
in a conga line.
Come on, Ruthie! Come on, Ceil!
I can do this,
I can do this!
One, two, three!
Come here! Hey, you're making
it worse on yourself.
Come here!
Can you really
meet men doing this?
Come here!
I got you! Come here!
You're gonna
pay for it this time.
We interrupt this program...
to bring you
a special news bulletin.
Emergency workers
and laborers...
outside Strasberg,
Pennsylvania...
are working diligently
to locate and remove...
an 8-year-old girl
who has fallen down a well.
Polly Phelps fell down the well
while playing with friends...
and has been lodged at
the bottom since 12 noon.
Reports will be coming
to you live on the spot...
where this tense drama
is unfolding.
We don't know if
the girl is still living...
although authorities
are predicting...
they will rescue the child
within moments.
It has been 7 hours, and still
emergency workers have not...
been able to contact or free
8-year-old Polly Phelps.
Attempts to go down
into the well...
Can you hear me? Polly!
Can you hear anything?
Get the press back!
Polly, honey! We're coming
for you, just hold on!
Be careful with that thing!
Meanwhile, members of the press
are out here in abundance.
And this field is illuminated
by the eerie incandescence...
of searchlights
and flash bulbs.
The anxious parents, Mr. and
Mrs. Phelps, stand by waiting...
hoping for some word, some sign.
We'll continue
to broadcast live...
from the scene of
the accident...
and bring you details
as they unfold.
I'm sure all Americans listening
to their radios everywhere...
are praying for Polly Phelps
and the Phelps family.
Please, God, don't let her die.
The fire department
and local emergency squads...
have been on the job
for many hours...
but the difficulty
seems to be...
that the well is quite narrow
and the surrounding--
No, wait, wait!
It looks like he has something.
He's tugging the rope.
They're raising the rope
very, very slowly.
They seem to be
close to a rescue.
Police have her. Stand by.
We're coming to you live.
Don? Don, is--Don...
Oh, God, this is terrible.
Ladies and gentlemen...
The child is not alive.
Polly Phelps is dead.
After all the efforts
and prayers...
the little girl is dead.
This is tragic.
Just tragic.
We are going to end our
broadcast, ladies and gentlemen.
I know that all America shares
the grief of the Phelps family.
This has been a sudden,
unexpected human tragedy.
Good evening,
and Happy New Year.
We're broadcasting live
from the King Cole room...
in midtown Manhattan,
where everyone is here...
to welcome in 1944.
You know, I used
to work in this place.
Now I'm here with, of all
people, the Masked Avenger.
Beware, evildoers,
wherever you are!
Now, where are they
this evening?
There they are.
Hello, everybody!
Hello, everyone!
Oh, listen to that.
Doesn't that sound
wonderful at that nightclub?
Yeah. Why aren't we there, Abe?
Why aren't we there?
Because we're here.
Don't you want
to hit the hot spots...
and drink champagne
from my slipper?
I can't take that much liquid.
Just a minute. And besides,
only creeps and crazy people...
go out New Year's Eve.
Then you should
definitely go out, Abe.
There are those who drink
champagne at nightclubs...
and us who listen to them
drink champagne on the radio.
Yeah. I heard "Breakfast
with Irene and Roger"...
this morning, and they said
they were going...
to the King Cole room tonight...
and they said all their
friends would be there.
Roger and Irene are
rich and famous.
They have a radio show.
They wear fancy clothes...
they hobnob with their
celebrity friends...
they go to all the openings
and nightclubs.
What, you think they're
happier than us?
How much time do I have
to answer that question?
You'd be so nice to come home to
You'd be so nice by the fire
While the breeze on high
Sings a lullaby
You'd be all that I could desire
Under stars chilled
by the winter
Under an August moon
burning above
You'd be so nice
You'd be paradise
To come home to
And love
What, no date tonight?
Well, it's OK.
We're all together, you know.
Under stars chilled
By the winter
Under an August moon
Burning above
You'd be so nice
You'd be paradise
To come home to
And love
Thank you. Thank you.
To a wonderful year.
A Lucky Strike, please.
Thank you, darling.
Keep the change.
You know, it's not even
midnight, and I'm drunk.
Anyone ever seen
the roof of this place?
I beg your pardon?
It has the most marvelous
view of the city, really.
How do you know the roof?
I was up there once
when I worked here.
The circumstances
were quite different.
Why don't we go
up there and see it?
Would you like to?
Come with me.
Come on. What fun!
Oh, my goodness!
It's freezing out here.
This is amazing.
Amazing, but it's
freezing up here.
What a crazy idea.
What were you doing up here?
Oh, it's a long story.
Oh, look at the sky.
It's gotten so overcast.
And all the lights.
What a city this is.
Another year is passing.
I hope 1944 turns out well.
They pass so quickly.
Where do they all go?
So quickly. Then we get old.
And we never knew
what any of it was about.
That's right.
I wonder
if future generations...
will ever even hear about us.
It's not likely.
After enough time,
everything passes.
I don't care how big we are or
how important are our lives.
Six...five...
four...three...
two...one...
Happy New Year!
Martin...
I'm a little scared
for the future.
What are you scared about?
She's always scared.
Don't worry so much.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year, Bea.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Happy New Year.
What is he doing up?
I woke him so he wouldn't
forget 1944.
Happy New Year!
God, I wish this war was over!
There are no single men around.
This year you're gonna
find your true love.
I have a feeling in my bones.
Yes, you will.
Oh! You know what we should
start the New Year with?
A little red snapper!
Don't you think?
Hey, Happy New Year, everybody.
Happy New Year! Martin! Mama!
Hey, it's starting to snow!
Let's go downstairs.
Beware, evildoers,
wherever you are!
I never forgot
that New Year's Eve...
when Aunt Bea awakened me to
watch 1944 come in.
And I've never forgotten
any of those people...
or any of the voices we used
to hear on the radio.
Although the truth is...
with the passing of
each New Year's Eve...
those voices do seem
to grow dimmer and dimmer.
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