Reality Bites Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Reality Bites script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Winona Ryder and Ben Stiller movie also starring Janeane Garafolo, Ethan Hawke, Steve Zahn, etc  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Reality Bites. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Reality Bites Script

          And they wonder why those of us in our twenties...

          refuse to work an 80-hour week...

          just so we can afford to buy their BMWs...

          why we aren't interested...

          in the counterculture that they invented...

          as if we did not see them disembowel their revolution...

          for a pair of running shoes.

           But the question remains...

            what are we going to do now?

            How can we repair all the damage we inherited?

            Fellow graduates, the answer is simple.

            The answer is...

            The answer is...

            I don't know.

            Good save, Lelaina.

            I'm not a valedictorian, but I play one on TV.

            We all know you slept your way to the podium.

            My favorite part about graduating now would be...

            dodging my student-loan officer for the rest of my life.

            He will be in cahoots...

            with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy...

            who's been after my ass for years.

            Troy Dyer, I brought you back a souvenir.


            You know, you can still go back next year and graduate...

            still get your BF.A.

            Oh, can I? And then I can hang this on my rearview mirror...

            to brag to all my good buddies back home that I graduated.

            Well, I through with the whole life drama.

            Well, I know this sounds cornball...

            but I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.

            And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.

            And you wonder why we never got involved.

            Three words... November sixteenth nineteen-ninety...

            Oh, totally drunk and out of my mind!

            It would have been a poetic experience...

            if I weren't such a gentleman, which I am.

            Just let it go, Dyer. Surrender the fantasy.

            Hey, Sammy, what's your goal?

            My goal is to...

            Like a career or something.

            Lainie, I think the moment has been appropriately captured.

            Would you please take your face out of the camera?

            Come on. It's for my documentary.



            Think fast.

            Here's the deal.

            I'm going to take Sam against his will...

            and straighten him out because I truly believe...

            that if we can get two women on the Supreme Court...

            we can get at least one on you, Sam.

            I'm Superman.

            -I can fly. -She's toast.


            Quick, Vickie. What's your social security?

            Uh...    -  -    .

            Very impressive.

            It's the only thing I really learned in college.

            Sometimes I get that "not so fresh" feeling.

            Conjunction junction, what's your function?

            Hooking up words and phrases and clauses

            Conjunction junction, how's that function?

            Got three favorite cars that get most of my...

            Honey, honey. No, no, no.

            Is yours good?

            It doesn't seem fresh.

            I'm sorry.

            Well, I guess it's about time...

            for me to give you your graduation present, huh?

            Your... gas card.

            I'll pay that bill for one year.

            And since Helen Anne's got herself a brand-new Infinity...

            we're gonna give you her old BMW.

            You can pick it up at our house.

            -BMW? BMW? -Yeah.

            Tom, didn't you listen to her speech today?

            She didn't want a BMW.

            Mom, I'll handle this.

            I'm not gonna sit here and listen again...

            to some strange ethical argument about a damn car.

            Now, it's got four wheels. It runs well.

            And, little darling, after you've been...

            in the real world for a while...

            you're gonna appreciate that car.

            Yeah. Just think of all those starving children in Africa...

            who don't even have cars.

            Troy, does your father give you gifts like that?


            Well, actually, my father's dying of prostate cancer...

            so I don't really trouble him much for gifts.

            See, Tom.

            You don't want a BMW. Tell him, Lelaina.

            Charlane, she can make up her own mind.

            Dad, don't talk to her that way. She's not a child.

            Well, she married one.


            All right. Excuse me. Come on, come on.

            Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW...

            until I can afford to buy a regular car myself, OK?

            OK, Mom?


            Mom, please, come on.

            Get a Ford.

              SINGING: Just to float on the sea

              Find myself on a page of history

              You know, as I ride along

              I can always hear the song

              about you and where you're meant to be

              Well, you're gonna tell me the answers

              I'll know when you come back to me

              If we should fall, love will catch us every time

              I hear you call, I will run

              And if the magic of the adventure overcomes

              We won't cry, because it could be fun

              Well, I'm gonna tell you the answers

              You'll know when you come back to me

              Gonna be all right

              When you come back to me

              Good morning!

              Ha ha ha ha!

              Yes. Good morning, ladies and... gentleman!

              I see a gentleman right over there!

              Good morning!

              Good morning! Boy, I tell you...

              it is a good morning with this audience.

              Ha! Well, today, for all you dieters...

              guiltless goodies from chef Skinny Ninny.

              Whoa. Mmm!

              And we'll also be visiting with a man...

              right here from Houston who is battling Alzheimer's.

              A beautiful and touching story...

              of the triumph of the human spirit.

              He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers.

              Now let's take a peek inside our "Video View"...

              and see what we have in store for today.

              It's a special report

              on children's birthday party themes...

              taped on location...

              at  -year-old Davy Robbins' party...

              exclusively for our "Video View" collection.

              Ha ha ha!

              So... come sit with me.

              Relax. Have a cup of joe.

              Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

              Well, anyway, it's gonna be a good day. Good morning!

              You're beautiful.

              We're clear.

              Am I here to amuse you, Miss Pierce?

              Am I here to make you laugh?

              Is that the real reason I'm on this show?

              Mr. Gubler, when I prepare your note cards...

              you're supposed to get your own espresso.

              Didn't you get my "espress yourself" memo?

              I don't have time for your little mind games.

              I'd like to remind you...

              that we're laying people off around here.

              I can find an intern who will do your job for free like that.

              SINGING: I been locked out

              I been locked in

              But I always seem to come back again

              And the view, when I look from my window...

              Oh, that's a much better size. That looks great.

              That would go really well with the EZ-Fits.

              So... Oh, buttoning it up. That's even better.

              Yeah, roll 'em right up.

              It's liberating, isn't it?

              I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste

              A flannel for my face

              Pajamas, a hairbrush

              new shoes, and a case

              I said to my reflection

              Let's get out of this place

              Past the church and the steeple

              The laundry on the hill

              Murder, there's one committed each   seconds.

              Hello. I got cut off. I'm sorry.

              Tempted by the fruit of another

              Waa waa

              Hello? What?

              Tempted, but the truth is discovered

              No, no, no. Listen, he needs us, OK?

              If he makes videos, we show them, OK?

              It's symbiotic. It's like a "chicken or the egg?"

              It's both of them working together.

              Yeah, uh-huh. Well, let me tell you something.

              No, no, no. I'm not scared of...



              MAN ON TELEPHONE: Michael, don't laugh at me.


              No, I'm in an accident. I got in an accident.

              Yeah, I'm fine.

              No. I'll call you back, all right?

              I'm gonna call you...

              When you said you would sue...

              Well, it's not really my idea.

              It's just I got my lawyer guy telling me, you know...

              something, like, about my rates or...

              Right. You mean, like sue in a courtroom for money?

              I don't even know...

              because I've never really done anything like this before.

              I mean, do you have a lawyer or something?

              No, I don't have a lawyer. I don't have a dentist.

              I'm... You know, I make four-hundred dollars a week.

              What do you do?

              Well, at the moment, I'm working...

              I'm sorry. I just... I got to...


              Yeah. What is it?

              You know, I don't care...

              if she does twelve books of herself naked, OK?

              It doesn't...

              That's Dr. Zaius from "Planet of the Apes. "


              I'm sorry. No. Someone else is in here.

              Yeah? Well, let her say that to me.

              -No, don't do that. -Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

              No, no. You can... That's all right...

              I was... Go ahead. You want to touch it?

              It's all right. Yeah. No, go ahead.

              No, I was talking to...

              Look, can I talk to you later? Can we... When? OK. OK.

              Um... OK.

              Um... uh...

              You know what? Just forget it.

              Really, just forget the whole thing...

              because it was probably my fault anyway.

              And I'll get in trouble, and it just doesn't...

              And you seem very sweet.

              And you seem to like Dr. Zaius.

              Oh. Ha ha.

              -Oh, no. -That's...

              I'm sorry.

              That's... He was just a collector's... No big...

              Well, we can...

              -You know what? -No, here's his head.

              It's really... you know... I think he's gone.

              I'm, like, ruining your whole life here.

              No, no, you're not. Really.

              Just don't... Just don't touch anything else...

              and I think we'll be fine.

              Michael Grates, vice president regional programming...

              "In Your Face" TV. We've seen it.

              It's like MTV, but with an edge.

              -Yeah. So, is it a date? -Yeah, yeah.

              -Dinner? -Coffee.

              -Coffee or cappuccino? -He ended up saying decaf.

              Oh, no. Early night. Is there any precoffee activity?

              Um... I don't think so.

              Did he ask you to go out or to hang out?

              Go out. He definitely said go out.

              Hey. How are you doing?

              -Oh, shit. -What?

              I forgot to tell you something.

              Are you out of your mind?

              Oh, my god. Lainie, he just got fired from the newsstand.

              He needs a place to stay till he can find a new job...

              and get his own place.

              Vickie, that's the American dream of the nineties.

              That could take years.

              Look at it like a built-in security system.

              We'll have a man around the house.

              We'll have a hall monitor. That's what we'll have.

              I don't even know if this is allowed in the building.

              It's not like Mr. Roper's gonna burst in.

              I'll just stay on the couch.

              Vickie, he will turn this place...

              into a den of slack.

              What the hell is your problem?

              I have to work around here, and unfortunately, Troy...

              you are a master at the art of time suckage.

              Oh, well, I'm sorry, miss poster girl for the workers party...

              but until I get that toehold in the burger industry...

              I got a little time to suck.

              I'd rather check into a shelter than deal with her shit.

              I know how much you love to mainline in misery here.

              But you don't have to.

              I can get you a job interview at my dad's plant.

              What is that? Part of my lease agreement?

              It's either that or a credit check.

              It's cool, Troy. You can stay.

              Welcome to the maxi pad.

              Yeah, with the new dry-weave...

              it actually pulls moisture away from you. It's good.

              You won't even know I'm here.

              Should I get married? Should I be good?

              Should I astound the girl next door

              with my velvet suit and my Faustus hood?

              And not take her to movies but to cemeteries

              and tell her of werewolf tongues and forked clarinets?

              What "Hey, That's My Bike"...

              would like to do eventually. as a band...

              is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie.

              Or Richard Simmons.

              You know how, in his commercials...

              how he travels around, surprises people jogging.

              As you can see, I have the occasional run-in...

              with an anti- "Hey, That's My Biker. "

              And to those people, I say nobody...

              Nobody can eat fifty eggs.

              -Lainie? -Whatie?

              The next time you make microwave brownies...

              I'd really consider using a microwave.

              It's just a thought.

              You know, I finally figured out...

              what your problem is, Dyer.

              What's that? I'm not a Pepper?

              You suffer from the philosopher groupie syndrome.

              You're this guy with, like, a     I.Q...

              ten units away from a degree in philosophy...

              and you always fall for these dumb groupie types.

              Now... they are not all dumb.

              Most of them are just very, very depressed.

              Do you find me attractive, sitting here, eating brownies?

              You do. You're strangely attracted to me right now.

              You're oddly, oddly attracted to me.

              It turns you on, doesn't it? You like to watch, don't you?

              Come on. Come on! Aah!

              Here. Ha ha ha!

              Don't! Come on. It's not funny. Give it back.

              -Give what back? -Give it back!

              Give what back? Give the brownies back?

              -Aah! -Brownies, brownies.

              Oh, I love brownies. My name's Lelaina.

              Hey, don't! Hey, watch the camera.

              Don't throw it at me. That's not nice.

              Mr. Gubler, do you have time to take a look...

              at what I've done here?

              I need my questions.

              Oh, well, here's the research that I did.

              You might want to read it...

              because this guest has quite a history in politics.

              Just give me my questions.


              -You all alone? -Not anymore.

              If I could bottle the sexual tension...

              between Bonnie Franklin and Schneider...

              I could solve the energy crisis.

              Excuse me.

              Don't bogart that can... man.

              -Are you retarded? -No. I'm rhyming.

              It's not easy. Sure, I make it look easy.

              You guys better not be inhaling.


              Lelaina, Vickie was just promoted to manager of the Gap.

              -Shut up. -It's not even a big deal.

              The old manager tried to kill herself...

              by eating a whole pot of poinsettias.

              Still, I'm so proud of you. Wait.

              I'll be making four-hundred dollars a week, though.

              We're never gonna have rent problems again.

              Troy, aren't you excited?

              I'm bursting with fruit flavor.

              You guys, I just thought of something.

              I'm manager of the Gap.

              I'm responsible for all those t-shirts...

              French-cut, v-necked, ribbed, what have you.

              Dude, I'm in trouble.

              No, you're not, Vick. I know you can do it.

              I just do not understand why this moment...

              has to be Memorexed.

              Sammy, don't you realize?

              This is your one opportunity to play a small part...

              in what is destined to be greatness.

              Lainie here is gonna revolutionize...

              "Good Morning, Grant. "

              Oh, my god! I'm so sorry! I had no idea!

              Look who's mocking. All you do around here, Troy...

              is eat and couch and fondle the remote control.

              I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.

              Well, then what good are you?

              You're a pathological optimist.

              You're pathological.

              Oh, would you two just do it and get it over with?

              I'm starving.


              Hello. You've reached the winter of our discontent.

              Uh... hold on. It's some Michael character.


              -Who's Michael? -Let's order a pizza.

              Lelaina, if we promise to pay you back...

              will you spot us a pizza?

              Don't have any cash.

              Dominoes takes checks.

              OK, great.

              OK. Bye.

              The owner of Dominoes supports Operation Rescue.

              Oh, please. No one gives a shit right now.

              We're starving.

              Oh, wait. Wait.

              -Ta-da! -We're going to eat gas.


              Who's this Michael guy?


              Hey. Vickie just figured something out.

              -What? -Something wonderful.

              Ha ha ha! Evian is naive spelled backwards.

              Uh! Could you turn this up, please?

              Please? You won't be sorry.

              Thank you.

              RADIO:... When you gonna give me some time, Sharona?

              Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run

              Gun it comin' off of the line, Sharona

              Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind

              Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind

              My, my, my, i, yi, woo!


              M-m-my Sharona.

              Come a little closer, huh? Ah, will ya, huh?

              Close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona

              Keeping it a mystery, it gets to me

              Running down the length of my thighs, Sharona...

              Good times, any time you need them, baby

              Good times, ain't no time to be afraid

              Thelma's husband Keith has got vodka hidden in the toilet.

              Vodka in the toilet. That's a good one.

              Um... boom boom.

              James Dice.

              That's a two-parter, man. You can't do that.

              J.J. works in the chicken shop.

              He works in a chicken shop. We did that.

              It's the same one when he has that cape on.

              Drink up, man.

              You hate to see that happen to the rookie.

              Um... Alderman Davis judges a...

              Oh, my god.


              Are you a collection agent?


              Oh! Yeah, I'll be right there.


              If you ain't the most hardheaded woman...


              Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. Oh, it's me!

              Willona dates a deaf guy.

              -Good one. -Willona dates a deaf guy.

              How about the one when Gary Coleman comes on...

              and he's like the little... like, guy doing that...

              -Yeah, we did that one. -He was cute, though.

              -J.J.'s prom date. -Gotta go. Gotta go.

              -Hey. Hi. Hello. Hi. -Hi.

              Um... everybody, this is Michael. This is...

              Prom date. Prom date. Go.

              You know, we should... We should... Yeah.

              So, I'm gonna go.


              Michael throws a party. Sammy, let's go.

              Lelaina, you know the punishment for premature evacuation.

              Penny! Willona adopts Penny! Shit!

              I'm making this documentary...

              about my friends, but it's really about...

              people who are trying to find their own identity...

              without having any real role models or heroes or anything.

              Wow. That... That sounds great.

              It seems like your friends would be perfect for that.

              Like, um... Like that guy Troy...

              -Troy, yeah. -You all done here, sir?

              Uh, yeah. yeah.

              You don't want to finish that? Because I can...

              No, no, no. I'm fine. I had a late...

              So, Troy is... You guys just...

              It's like you guys living there, just the two of you?

              No, no, no, no, no.

              It's me and Vickie, but he got fired from his job...

              and so he needed a place to crash for a couple weeks.

              They caught him stealing a Snickers.

              He stole a Snickers bar?

              Yeah. Ha ha ha!

              Somehow he can rationalize it...

              like the establishment owes him a Snickers.

              Right, right.

              Well, I mean... I guess... you know...

              You know, you're very beautiful.

              I mean... I mean, um...

              Seriously, you're...

              I'm, uh... I'm, uh... not really good with compliments.

              Um... but, uh...

              Um... Ha ha! Are you religious?

              Um... Ha ha ha!

              Ha ha ha! I'm sorry.

              I guess I'm... I guess I'm, uh...

              a non-practicing Jew.

              Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin.

              Who's this again?

              Frampton. Peter Frampton.


              I can't believe you don't remember...

              "Frampton Comes Alive. "

              That album, like, totally changed my life.

              The most profound, important invention of my lifetime...

              the Big Gulp.

              And because, see... No, listen.

              You get one in the morning.

              I'm talking forty-four ouncer, not this thirty-two wimpy...

              -Wait a minute. Forty four? -Yeah. Forty-four ounce.

              How can you ingest forty-four ounces of anything?

              You get one.

              You have your essential vitamins and nutrients...

              for the entire day.

              Oh, yeah. Definitely. I'm sure you're totally covered.

              -You do. -Well...

              I guess it really doesn't take much to make me happy.

              Hey, I'm not materialistic, either.

              I mean, I think I'd be working even if I wasn't getting paid.

              And I don't, like, want to get, you know... a big house.

              I just want, like, a nice house.

              I'm not into cars and stuff.

              I mean, I like my car.

              You're probably not really not into, like...

              expensive, snazzy Italian suits, either.

              -Oh, come on. -I'm just kidding.

              -No, no, no. -I'm just kidding.

              Wait a minute. I'm not like that.

              I'm really not. I mean... I mean...

              I'm... I'm... I mean...

              I know why the caged bird sings and everything.

              Oh, yeah? Why?

              Because he was... in a cage, and he was...

              I don't know. He had high hopes or something.

              OK, I dropped out of school...

              before we got to that, all right?

              I should have stayed in college...

              and got a degree in astronomy or something.

              -Oh, god, I love astronomy. -Really?

              Yeah. I just... The math, though.

              It was the math that just, like... got me every time.

              I loved astronomy, too, and I got into class...

              and it was like... it was like...

              everything was three-squared times pi equals the root of pi.

              Yeah. And I just wanted to look at the stars.

              -It was so... -Same here exactly.

              I remember being so happy on the roof of our old house...

              just staring up at the stars.


              I want to do that again. I want to just...

              look up at the stars and take the time to...

              smell the...


              Because it's like... do you ever have those moments in life...

              where everything is OK? Do you know what I mean?

              Just for, like, one moment, everything is great.

              Not since I graduated, no. But yeah... yeah.

              When you, like, catch yourself in a moment...

              and you're saying, wait, I'm happy here in the moment.

              Right. And then it just goes away really quickly.

              -Gone. -It just... It's...

              I know I've had a couple of those, you know.

              I always forget them, but I know I've had them.

              Oh, me, too.

              Like right now... is one.

              Yeah... like now.

              SINGING: Clouds are stalking

              Islands in the sun

              Wish I could dry one

              Out of season

              But don't


              'Cause your love

              Won't wait

              Hey, hey, hey

              Ooh, baby, I love your way

              Every day

              Want to tell you I love your way

              Ooh, ooh, ooh

              TROY, Ooh, baby, I love your way

              Every day

              I want to be with you night and day


              So, you've been up all night?

              I am picking up some very strange vibes in here.

              They're of the... "I just got laid" variety.

              Did he dazzle you...

              with his extensive knowledge of mineral water?

              Or was it his in-depth analysis of Markie Mark...

              that finally reeled you in?

              I just would have liked to have been there...

              to watch how you rationalized...

              sleeping with a yuppy-head cheeseball on the first date.

              He's not a yuppy.

              He's the reason why Cliff Notes were invented.

              Well, that pales in comparison...

              to the tweaked-out little skanks you date.

              To hell with it. What do I care?

              What do you care? And why are you acting...

              like a jealous boyfriend all of a sudden?

              I am not acting like anything.

              I am calmly reading.

              God. If something's bothering you that much...

              I wish you could just be man enough to talk to me about it.

              All right, Lelaina.

              I am really in love with you.

              Is that what you want to hear? Is it?

              Well, don't flatter yourself.

              Go to hell.

              Since I've been manager here...

              our gross has increased over twenty percent.

              So... What?

              OK. OK. Um...

              I guess I'm proud of that.

              Oh, please. Look at this sweater.

              People don't know. They don't know what it takes.

              I've never been a good example before...

              and, um... I've never been good with responsibility.

              So, uh... I blame my parents, though.

              I think I was conceived on an acid trip.

              My parents got divorced when I was   years old.

              And I saw my father about three times a year after that.

              And when he found out that he had cancer...

              he decided to bring me here...

              and he gives me this big pink sea shell...

              and he says to me...

              "Son, the answers are all inside of this. "

              And I'm all, like, "What?"

              But then I realized that the shell was empty.

              There's no point to any of this.

              It's all just a...

              A random lottery of meaningless tragedy...

              and a series of near escapes.

              So I take pleasure in the details, you know.

              A Quarter-Pounder with cheese.

              Those are good.

              The sky about... ten minutes before it starts to rain.

              The moment where your laughter becomes a cackle.

              And I sit back, and I... I smoke my Camel straights.

              And I ride my own melt.

              Come on. Come on. No lagging.

              The free clinic A.I.D.S. test.

              The rite of passage for our generation.

              We're so lucky. Come on.

              So, Vick, why are you getting tested?

              One of my friends tested positive.

              To be on the safe side... you know.

              Vickie Miner.

              WOMAN, LOUDER: Vickie Miner.

              You can forget it.

              Come on, Grant. That... It's incredible.

              It's junk. Depressing junk.

              You know my rules for the "Video View"...

              light and perky.

              Look, Lelaina, maybe I should talk to Grant alone about this.

              Look, she's got real talent...

              and I want to put her on staff.

              I will not have Miss Pierce on staff.

              I will walk out of here if that happens.

              You watch.

              OK, calm down. It's no big deal.

              We don't have to have her.

              Besides, having to look...

              at that girl's pointy little face all day...

              it would make me ill.

              Just get rid of her...

              like I asked you to do in the first place.

              ...I'll get there.

              If I don't know where to go, I'll get there.

              If I don't know...

              Ten seconds...

              nine, eight, seven...

              six, five, four...

              Is this a good morning or what?

              Ha ha ha! Well, with us today is Libby Kumbaugh...

              the author of this book... "Mommy, Why Do I Hate Myself?

              "Self-Esteem for Parent and Child. "

              -Good morning, Libby. -Good morning, Grant.

              Good morning! Now, Libby... I'm concerned with self-esteem.

              Personally, I've always had an odd preference...

              for very, very young girls.


              Being a total prick...

              ...Iy pear, I...

              Why don't we welcome this audience again, huh?

              Good morning!

              I make more of a mess than Ruby does.

              Hi. You guys, we have to have a family meeting.

              Something's happened.

              Oh, no! They've discovered Nutrasweet causes you...

              to grow a third eye.

              Let me just say that everything's gonna be fine.

              Yeah, it's not a big deal.

              She'll just wear a patch over it.

              I'm working out a plan.

              Yeah, there's a surgeon in Paris.

              He'll just remove it for free.

              -Just don't panic. -It's not contagious.

              Would you shut up? I just got fired.


              Oh, my god. What happened?

              You got fired?

              I mean, that just screws up my whole idea of good and evil.

              It's not like I had a hysterectomy or anything.

              I just... I got fired. I'll find something else, you know.

              Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

              You're hired.

              I need a part-timer. You need a job.

              That would be so cool.

              It's only, like, five dollars an hour. No big deal.

              But it's a pretty good opportunity.

              Yeah, it's a dream come true.

              It is.

              You know, Vick, I said I'm working out a plan.

              Yeah. So, what's the plan?

              I'm not gonna work at the Gap, for Christ's sake.


              -No. I mean... -Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

              Oh, how stupid of me to try to drag you down to my level.

              -Vickie, you don't do this, OK? -Shut up.

              Come on. This is just...

              You know I didn't mean it. Vickie.

              You see, this is where Troy was fired...

              from his eleventh job.

              He was an illustrious office cleaner.

              Now if you'll come this way, please...

              we will continue our short but happy walking tour...

              of the career of Troy Dyer.

              And here we have the newsstand...

              where Troy dared to ask the question...

              Are employee snacks subsidized?

              The answer... tragically, no.

              In total, he has been fired...

              from... yes, count them... twelve jobs.

              Twelve? Ouch.

              So you shouldn't feel so bad.

              One of these mornings, I'm going to wake up before noon and...

              Ha ha. Yeah, right.

              And I'm gonna turn on the TV...

              and there Bryant Gumbel will be, and he'll say...

              "Today we have with us...

              "the Pulitzer Prize winning documentarian Lelaina Pierce.

              "Lelaina, after your first film, Why Barbie Is Bad... "

              "You seem to have forgotten all about...

              "your best friend, Troy Dyer. "

              Troy who?

              What was that name again?

              Oh, right through the heart.

              I'll probably be working at the Whole Foods...

              playing warehouses...

              hanging around places like the Radio Shack...

              screaming that I used to know you...

              and you'll be there in the lights...

              and you'll be all beautiful and shit.

              Oh, Troy. No, no, no. That'll never happen.

              They would never hire you at Whole Foods.

              You see, Lainie, this is all we need...

              a couple of smokes, a cup of coffee...

              And a little bit of conversation.

              You and me and five bucks.

              You got it.

              -You know what? -Hmm?

              -No, no, no. -What?

              Troy, I can't. I can't.

              Why not? You never thought about it?

              Well, yes, of course I have, but I...

              But what?

              I can't not be friends with you, OK?

              I don't want that. That's not what I'm talking about.

              I'm talking about a... you know, evolving.

              I just can't handle this right now.

              I can't evolve right now.

              Why not? Because of Michael?


              Yeah. Yes. Yes.

              My parents got divorced when I was fourteen.

              My dad... the dog...

              he remarried six months after the divorce.

              Wow. That's quick. How did everybody react?

              Um... my mom threatened to kill herself in front of me.

              Patty got drunk in her closet...

              every morning before junior high school.

              And you?

              Well, um...

              Somebody had to remember to take out the trash...

              sign the report cards, buy the milk.

              So, um... that kind of ended up being me.

              I don't want to get married...

              because I see how my parents are.

              And they've been together, like,    years...

              and they're like brother and sister at this point.

              My mother goes to the bathroom with the door open.

              That's "A."

              And "B"... It's disgusting.

              I don't want any part of that.

              I want first kisses. I want passion...

              the whole way through.

              It's better than having to kiss your husband's ass all the time.


              I think that your documentary...

              would be perfect for "In Your Face. "

              -See? Forget it. -No.

              You're probably thinking more like, you know...

              P B.S. or something.

              No. No. You know what it is, though?

              It's that I.. Boy.

              OK, when I made this thing...

              I kind of made this promise to myself...

              that I wasn't going to think about...

              where it was gonna end up because I didn't want to...

              unintentionally commercialize it.

              No, I think that's great.

              I mean, I think you should definitely...

              not unintentionally do anything...

              that you're not comfortable with.

              I mean, not that I would intentionally...

              Well, plus it's not done yet, you know.

              Right. I know. I know. It was just a stupid...

              You know... I got to go to New York on Wednesday...

              for this huge network meeting thing...

              which is totally... God, you would hate it.

              I hate it. I just... I just thought...

              that they would freak out over your tapes...

              because they never see anything that's really smart...

              and has real... you know, quality and is...

              good, like you and your work...

              and I know I'm being selfish and...

              Michael, um...

              That is literally, literally...

              the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me...

              the sweetest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

              So, what are you doing for the rest of your morning?

              What am... Oh, what am I doing?

              What am I doing?

              Ooh. Well, I have a job interview.

              Lelaina, this thing is from     .

              I know. Ha ha ha!

              So you're, like... six years late.

              I thought the ad said that this was a job...

              for a production assistant.

              Yes. You will be assisting me...

              in the production of videotapes, all right?

              You're going to make copies for me... many copies.

              Oh, is this like a... like a pirate operation?

              Do I look like a pirate to you?

              Now, radio is all instinct, Lelaina.

              Do you know where all the radio comes from?

              The gut. It's all in the gut.

              Because when you think on your feet...

              got to go from your gut.

              And my gut is telling me that, uh...

              this isn't gonna work out.

              Maybe your gut's just saying you're hungry or...

              Oh, no, no, no, no. It's telling me that, uh...

              you're overqualified for this job.

              I'm really not that smart.

              No offense, sweetie, but you don't have...

              any experience on a newspaper. You're TV.

              Well, I'm trying to make my transition to print journalism.

              Ah. Why?

              Well, newspapers are the last watchdogs...

              of our... our government.

              They enforce the checks and balances.

              And one half-hour of TV only adds up to...

              OK. All right.

              Define irony.

              Irony. Uh...


              It's a noun.

              It's when something is...

              ironic. It's, uh...

              Well, I can't really define irony...

              but I know it when I see it!

              Hey. Hey.

              Oh, my god. I've never been so glad...

              to see anyone in my entire life.

              This day has been the biggest nightmare.

              I mean, these job interviews, Troy...

              the word vivisection, a staggering understatement.

              Can you define irony?

              It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite...

              from the literal meaning.

              Yeah. My god.

              Where were you when I needed you today?

              I... I should go.

              Oh, come on. Isn't there some statute of limitations...

              for embarrassing incidents?

              Your bravado was embarrassing.

              Hey, Troy, come on.

              You can stay with me for one cigarette.

              I know you can stay with me for one cigarette.

              You, me, five bucks, good conversation.



              Troy, you haven't been home in four days.

              I mean, where have you been sleeping?

              I got to go.

              Mom, I need to talk to you about a loan.

              Is it for drugs?

              No. No, it's not for drugs.

              I was f... I lost my job.

              But you shouldn't have any trouble...

              finding another job, sugar bugger.

              No. See, I tried.

              I applied for every single opening in my field...

              but there's just... There's nothing right now.

              Hmm. Well... then I hate to say it but...

              times are hard.

              You're just gonna have to swallow your pride.

              Why don't you get a job at Burgerama? They'll hire you.

              My lord, I saw on the TV...

              they had this little retarded boy working the cash register.

              Because I'm not retarded, mom.

              I was valedictorian of my university.

              Well, you don't have to put that down on your application.

              Miss Pierce, do you have any idea...

              what it means to be a cashier at Wiener Schnitzel?

              Yeah. It's, uh... taking orders and making change, and, uh...

              "thank you. "

              No. It's a juggling act.

              A juggling act? You mean, like, metaphorically?

              No. I mean, you got people coming at you from the front...

              coming at you from the back, from the sides...

              people at the condiment exchange...

              people at the drive-thru, kids on bikes...

              and they're all depending on who?

              -Me? -Yeah.

              You got time to lean, you got time to clean, buddy.

              All right?

              You got to be     percent on your toes...

                  percent of the time.

              There you go, sir. And have a 'tude, wiener dude.

              All rightie.

              OK. I'm going to throw a few numbers out at you...

              and you put them together in your head as quick as you can.

              -OK? -OK.

              Eighty-five and forty-five. Go.

              One... forty?


              -One... fifty? -Nope.

              -One-sixty? -It's not an auction.

              Miss Pierce, there's a reason I've been here six months.

              WEATHERMAN: For the entire summertime...

              occurring in one day.

              Then last night we had snow reports in Utah.

              Today reports of I-  ...

              Royalton Hotel.

              Oh, hi. Is this the Royalton Hotel?

              That's what I said.

              Oh, sorry. I didn't hear you.

              I'm looking for a guest there. His name is Michael Grates.

              Hold one moment, please.

              That guest is out.

              Would you like to leave a message?

              Oh... no. That's OK. I'll just try again later.


              Hi. I'm Cheryl Goode and welcome to "Wedgie"...

              the world of hip couture.

              This week, we're in south-central Los Angeles...

              at the intersection of Florence and Normandy...

              the flashpoint of fashion.

              The phattest gangsta trend will increase your peace.

              This bandanna by Donna Karin...

              is blue for Crips, red for Bloods...

              and only costs seventy-five dollars.

              Lainie, have you seen a pack of guitar strings?

              I have to bring them to the club.

              You know, I hope he knows...

              that he still has to pay some rent around here.

              I mean... Ha ha.

              I don't know where he thinks he's spending his nights, but...

              Do you know?

              I'm late for a jean-folding seminar. Let's locomote.

              Now you can call your own personal psychic...

              anytime    hours a day...

              thanks to the nationwide Psychic Discovery Network.

              You can pick up the phone and talk directly...

              with an established professional psychic...

              in the privacy of your own home.

              I was unhappy in my career, and I needed a change.

              But I didn't know what to do.

              It's just that nothing is going down according to plan.

              I mean, my best friend...

              I feel like I've lost him forever...

              and he was like my touchstone, you know.

              WOMAN ON TELEPHONE: This man...

              does his name start with the letter "N"?

              Because I'm getting a very strong "N" vibration.

              Newsstand. "N," newsstand.

              He used to work at a newsstand.


              Oh, god. This is unbelievable.

              Honey, that's not all I'm getting.

              There are people I know from high school...

              who are already married and having babies.

              I mean, babies, OK?

              I can't even take care of a Chia Pet.

              Well, honey, I didn't have kids...

              until I was on my third husband.

              Oh, really?

              All Geminis.

              You know what I think, Tanell?

              I think you still really love Monty.

              Yeah, you're probably right...

              but it don't matter now.

              Oh, yes, it does, Tanell.

              I know you're afraid, but you've got to find him...

              and you've got to tell him how you really feel.

              Find him? I got...


              We need to talk to you.

              Hold on, Tanell. Hold on.

              I'm on the phone.

              Yeah, I can see that...

              and we have a four-hundred and six dollar phone bill...

              mainly due to some calls to a  -    number.

              Lelaina, I'm so seriously troubled...

              Listen, we'd help you out, but we're broke, too.

              And you know we can't afford a new deposit...

              if the phone gets shut off.

              Maybe you could borrow the money from Michael.

              No, Sammy. Jesus.

              Lainie, what are you doing?

              What are you doing? You lay on that couch all day.

              Those pajamas are like your uniform.

              You run up a four-hundred dollar phone bill.

              You watch TV. You chain-smoke.

              You don't go outside. You don't do anything.

              Man, you are in the bell jar.

              Look, this is my apartment. I signed the lease.

              I let you move in here when you had no job, no money...

              and you sponged off me for two months!

              Sponged? Uh-huh.

              And now Miss Big Power Marm...

              Miss "I'm manager of the Gap now"...

              you think you can just come in here and push me around?!

              She's not being pushy.

              Sammy, what are you even doing here? You don't live here!

              Hey, my little unemployed waif...

              you're the one who's looking for work now, OK?

              God, you're really enjoying this, aren't you?

              You're high.

              Why don't you go take a walk outside and get some fresh air?

              You've been waiting for this since the day we met.

              Who told you that? Your psychic partner?

              I'll tell you the problem with your generation.

              You don't have any work ethic.

              Now, you take your friend Troy, for example.

              I went out of my way to set up an interview for him...

              and he didn't even bother to show up.

              That wasn't his fault. He asked me to call and cancel.

              And everything was going on. And it slipped my mind.

              And I'm... sorry, but, you know, I have a work ethic, dad.

              I have a very strong work ethic, you know. Ask anyone.

              Then all you got to do is show some ingenuity, hmm?

              Darling, I love you, and I hate to break your plate...

              but you got to grow up sometime.

              Now, I want you to go out there and show me some ingenuity, hmm?

              Let me talk with you, my baby

              It is bad to say that maybe

              It is time for you to say we

              Came to share a point of view

              Living in the never-never

              Dropping out of here together

              I could spend some time forever

              With a girl like you, let me hear you say

              Let's go, ooh

              You want to turn it in, turn it into heaven, yeah

              Let's go

              Ooh, ooh, ooh

              You want to turn it in, turn it into heaven, yeah

              Right here on earth.

              Looking for tomorrow

              Can you see us one day?

              Beg or steal or borrow

              We could live forever

              Never to say never

              You will be for me

              I will fight for you, now

              Let's go

              Ooh, ooh, ooh

              You want to turn it in, turn it into heaven, yeah...

              Well, that solves our first problem.

              Rent's due this week.

              Well, well.

              Look who finally decided to grace us with his...


              This is... This is, uh, Jean.


              Uh, Janine. Janine. It's a little loud in the club.

              Excuse me.

              Can't stay here, Troy.

              I'm just gonna pick something up.


              Mission accomplished. Now leave.

              I think maybe I'm gonna wait...

              Always the mistress of etiquette, huh, Lainie?

              Just out of curiosity...

              why are you suddenly acting like a jealous girlfriend?

              All right. We're just trying to pay bills here, OK?

              So, Troy, if you got any money...

              Money? Oh, but what's money to an artist?

              To a philosopher? It's just green-colored paper...

              that floats in and out of his life like snow.

              It's nothing you actually have to, I don't know, work for...

              is it, Troy?

              No, not if you have daddy's little gas card.

              You shut up!

              You shut up! I busted my ass to find a job, any job!

              You don't even bother showing up for interviews!

              What is it that you want from me? Huh? What is it?

              You want me to get a job on the line...

              for the next    years, until I'm granted leave...

              with my gold-plated watch and my balls full of tumors...

              because I surrendered the one thing that means shit to me?

              Well, honey, you can just exhale...

              because it's not gonna happen, not in this lifetime.

              All right, fine! You don't want to work, fine!

              Lainie, goddamn it!

              You want to be a band, then be a goddamn band!

              Rehearse every day! Play every night!

              Play three times a night!

              Don't just dick around the same coffeehouse for five years!

              Don't dick around with her or with me.

              I mean, try at something, for once in your life!

              Do something about it, but you know what?

              You better do it now, and you better do it fast...

              because the world doesn't owe you any favors...

              and whether you know it or not...

              you're on the inside track to Loserville, U.S.A...

              just like him.

              OK. It's just too psychotic in here now.

              All right, Lelaina, let's go for a walk.


              Come on, man. Let them go.

              With pleasure, my friends. With pleasure. Ha.

              "With pleasure"? You know who I really feel sorry for...

              is that poor girl.

              Oh, how about when he sneaks his laundry in with ours?

              It's like I'm pulling that stuff out of the dryer...

              and there's five pairs of his boxers...

              I just washed unknowingly.

              No, I'll just throw it back in his face.

              Yeah, like I'm gonna do his laundry. Yeah.

              He's weird. He's strange. He's sloppy.

              He's a total nightmare for women.

              I can't believe I haven't slept with him yet.

              Do you ever wish you were a lesbian?

              Don't you think it would be so much easier?

              Sometimes, but...

              Nah. I couldn't go through with it.

              I'd start laughing or something.

              But it's such a shame...

              because I am so through with men.

              If one more guy walks out on me...

              I don't even know what. I swear.

              What are you talking about...

              Walk out on you? You walk out on them.

              I've seen you.

              You're out the door before the condom comes off.

              Listen to me, I'm just beating them to the punch.


              You don't even know I'm sitting here...


              Probably dying of A.I.D.S.

              And I'm totally alone.


              Well, uh...

              you're not alone.

              Hey. Look, I'm sorry for everything I said...

              and I'm sorry for being such a bitch...

              but I have to tell you, you're not alone.

              You're not, and you're not dying of A.I.D.S.

              You don't understand. Every day, all day...

              it's all that I think about, OK?

              Every time I sneeze...

              it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice.

              And it's like it's not even happening to me.

              It's like I'm watching it on some crappy show...

              like "Melrose Place" or some shit, right?

              And I'm the new character.

              I'm the H.I.V.-A.I.D.S. character...

              and I live in the building, and I teach everybody...

              that it's OK to be near me, it's OK to talk to me...

              and then I die...

              and there's everybody at my funeral...

              wearing halter tops and chokers or some shit like that.

              Vickie, stop, OK? Just stop.

              You're freaking out, and you know what?

              You're gonna have to deal with the results.

              Whatever they are, we're gonna have to deal with them...

              just like we've dealt with everything else.

              This isn't like everything else.

              I know that, all right?

              But it's gonna be OK, you know?

              I know it's gonna be OK.

              "Melrose Place" is a really good show.

              WOMAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Lelaina Pierce.

              Is there a Lelaina Pierce here?


              Hello. Lelaina?

              Ha ha! Hi!

              Look, I had to call you right away.

              Listen, listen. Don't kill me, OK?

              What? What?

              I took the tape, and I showed it.


              Wait, wait, wait. Listen. They freaked out.

              They want to buy them.

              -No. -Yes.

              They liked it?

              No, no. I mean, they, like, psychotically loved it.

              They want to pay you for it.

              I know this isn't P B.S., but is this OK?

              Yes! I was this close to selling fruit at intersections.

              Well, don't, all right? Don't.

              Just hang on, and I'm gonna get you some money...

              and I'm gonna be down there in a few days...

              and I just... I'm just, like...

              I'm thinking about you every second here.

              Hello! Hello! Hello!

              Hello! Can you hear me now?

              Where are you?

              I'm in a phone booth.

              Why are you on a cellular phone?

              I don't know. I have no idea. I'm just...

              Michael, Michael, Michael, I... I really miss you!

              I really miss you, too. I love you. Oh! Whoa!

              I mean... I mean... you amaze me.

              No! You amaze me!


              Can you hear me?

              Michael, I'm losing you.

              I'm gonna call you back. Wait. What?

              Pay phone outside... always amazes me.


              "Try me. I'm free. "

              Good mag. Good mag.

              -Negatory. -Yeah! All right!

              Did you hear that? Negative!

              Here. Let me see that.

              Hey, hey! All rightie!

              Thanks for the help, Lainie.

              A celebration zoom.

              OK. Enough.

              -Ma! -I'm right here, son.

              -Ma. -Yeah?

              I have to tell you some... thing.

              I am... a... homo... sexual.

              Oh, Christ. Is there a support group that I can join...

              to help me come to terms with my own homophobia?

              Yes, there is...

              a group which is named P F L.A.G....

              Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

              Oh. Oh. P F L.A.G.

              I'm beginning to like the sound of that.

              What you've just witnessed here is a preenactment...

              of events that are about to take place.

              Well... I came out to her, and...

              she's still a little bit upset.

              But you know...

              You know, I think the real reason...

              that I've been celibate for so long...

              isn't really because I'm that terrified of the big "A"...

              but because I can't really start my life...

              without being honest about who I am and...

              SAMMY ON TAPE: I want to be in there, too.

              I want to feel miserable and happy and all of that.

              I mean, I...

              I want to...

              I want to be let back in the house.

              Hello. Oh, hi.

              Um... sorry.

              Just... the door was...

              So I just, um...

              Yeah, she's getting dressed.


              I'll just...

              Oh, I, um... I don't know if she told you...

              but I just came back from New York...

              with the tapes that she made, and the stuff of you...

              it's really... it's really great stuff.

              Really. That whole... that whole thing about...

              "Nobody can eat all the eggs," that was...

              that was really...

              I was quoting Cool Hand Luke.

              Yeah. That's OK. I mean... That's... I know.

              It's... I mean... You know... It's still... It's...


              -Hi. -Hi.

              What happened to your normal clothes?

              Wow! Lelaina, look at you.

              You look... Where'd you get that dress?

              Oh, um... I don't know. I just bought it.

              But I think I'm gonna go change because...

              No, don't. You look beautiful.

              You look like... You look like...

              A doily.

              -I'm gonna change. -No, don't change.

              And don't go thinking for yourself either, Lainie.

              Hey, what is your glitch, huh?

              My "glitch"?

              You know what? We're already late.

              No, no, no, no. Hang on a second here.

              Do you have, like, a problem with me or something?

              Because if you do, let's just get this out, all right?

              Seriously, is there, like... I mean, have I, like, uh...

              stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you?

              Because.. Because... No, no, no. Excuse me...

              if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you.

              There's no secret handshake.

              There's an I.Q. prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake.

              I... This is... You... No...

              This guy... you've got this whole thing with the world.

              Don't you? Huh? That's great. That's really wonderful.

              But guess what. I'm a human being, OK?

              We're human beings, people, OK?

              We're not, like, intelligence quotations or whatever.

              -Just ignore him. -No!


              Come on. Let's go. You don't need this.

              You don't know what she needs.

              I think I know what she needs in a way that you never will.

              Let's go.

              Baby, tell me that my love ain't good

              I don't treat you right, I don't do you like I should...

              Listen, that's got to be back here, OK?

              -Hi. -Hi.

              So, you ready?

              Well, what's it like? I mean...

              It's great. It's great.

              I mean, I haven't actually seen it yet...

              but we had our best guys working on it...

              and, you know, we just put some titles on...

              and shaped it a little bit. It's gonna be great.


              OK, OK.

              OK. Thanks.

              OK, everybody, it's a special night...

              because, as you know, we're entering into...

              a new phase here at the channel...

              real programming.

              And our first step is this remarkable piece...

              by Lelaina.

              So hang on, because this is going to change...

              the face of "In Your Face. "

                What's this?

                It's just transitional stuff.

                MAN, SINGING: La la la-la la

                The story of my life

                We're finished!

                SINGING: School's out forever

                I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.

                And you wonder why we never got involved.

                SINGING: School's been blown to pieces

                SINGING: Love can make you weep

                I don't want to get married...

                because I see how my parents are.

                -My parents got divorced... -My parents got divorced...

                -When I was fourteen. -When I was five years old.

                My mother actually goes to the bathroom with the door open.

                I swore to myself I'd never get married.

                I want passion.

                Let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about...

                Turns you on, doesn't it? Brownies!

                Would you two just do it and get it over with? I'm starving.

                Oh, my god.

                LELAINA, ON VIDEO: But the question remains...

                How can we repair all the damage we inherited?

                I was told there'd be no math on this exam.

                Can I change my answer?

                The answer is simple.

                We're on a road to nowhere


                The answer is... The-the-the answer is...



                Pizza. Ha ha.


                -It's, um... -Yeah, right.

                We're on a road to nowhere

                But here we go


                Lelaina, look. I'm sorry, all right? I didn't know.

                That was not my work, Michael. That's not what I did.

                That's not what I want. It had nothing!

                I can't believe I trusted you!

                I had no idea! I didn't see it!

                I mean, look. I guess it was probably a little slow...

                and they cut it up a little...

                Cut it up?

                They cut up everything that meant anything to me!

                I mean, I don't even think you realize what you've done.

                You don't get it. You just don't get it!

                I do get it! Look. It just...

                It's, like, you have this great piece of work...

                and we have this audience, these kids...

                and it's like trying to feed them meatloaf or something...

                and they don't want to eat it, right?

                So you have to give them, like, "Here comes the plane.

                "It's coming into the hangar. Open up the hangar. "

                But it's still meatloaf.

                It was never meatloaf!

                That's a bad... I just...

                Look, I'm sorry, all right?

                They were just trying to market it.

                And I wish I could be perfect, OK?

                I wish I could be like Troy...

                riding on his melted cheese sandwich and everything.

                Don't you dare bring Troy into this.

                Hey, I wish I could be like him.

                I wish I could live off of creeds and mottoes...

                and all that shit, all right?

                But I'm in the real world here, OK?

                And I have ideals also.

                They're that I... I care about you...

                and I want to make you happy...

                and I'm...

                I just...


                I'll make them take the pizza thing out, OK?

                I'm just a bill

                Yes, I'm only a bill

                And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill

                Well, it's a long, long journey to...

                How'd the big premiere turn out?


                They were just videotapes, right?

                Who cares? Ha ha.

                I just worked so hard on them, you know?

                I worked so hard.

                Ah, forget it. I just sound pathetic.

                No, you don't. You don't sound pathetic.

                You know, I know it sounds stupid...

                but it really meant something to me.

                I know it wasn't gonna, you know, end world hunger...

                or, you know, save the planet...

                but it just meant something to me.

                I just don't...

                Understand why things just can't go back to normal...

                at the end of the half-hour...

                like on "The Brady Bunch" or something.

                Well, because Mr. Brady died of A.I.D.S.

                Things don't work out like that.

                I was really gonna be something by the age of twenty-three.

                Honey, all you have to be by the age of twenty-three...

                is yourself.

                I don't know who that is anymore.

                Well, I do.

                And we all love her. I love her.


                She breaks my heart again and again...

                but, uh...

                But I love her.

                I've wanted you like this for all these years.


                Hi. Ha ha. Where are you going?

                I have rehearsal.

                At  :   in the morning?

                Yeah. Ha ha.

                -So... that's it? -No.

                No, that's not... It's not it.

                I just... I, uh... I have to go.

                Got a party mama, got a cokehead dad

                I'm the ultimate inversion, the American man

                Don't feel good, but don't feel bad

                It's me, you see, I'm nuthin'

                I ain't left, I ain't right

                I feel so alone

                Before I was born, I was all gone

                Don't even make sense that I wrote this song


                Tell me it's not true.

                TROY, SINGING: It's me, you see, I'm nuthin'

                I'm nuthin'


                That's me

                I'm nuthin'

                Lainie, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

                Come on.

                Thank you. We'll be right back...

                with a new American cheese snack idea.

                You got a phone call.


                -Hi. -Hi.

                Don't say anything, all right?

                Look, I screwed up, all right? I know.

                I should have protected you and your work...

                and I didn't, and I'm sorry.

                I'm so sorry that I didn't.

                And I want to make this up to you, OK?

                You mean so much to me, Lelaina...

                and I just...

                Look, two tickets, all right, New York.

                We go, and we give them a presentation...

                of the show the way you want it done.

                Michael, I don't...

                I know. I know, but this time is different.

                I mean, who's the boss, huh? Huh? Tony Danza? No.

                I don't think so. It's you.

                It's your show, and I just...

                I just... you know, feel like maybe...

                I deserve another shot here.

                Well, hi, Lelaina.


                What, is there a frog in your throat...

                or are you just glad to see me?

                Hi, Mike. Thanks for coming down, man.

                No hard feelings.

                Lelaina, you're looking a little peaked.

                Yeah. Are you OK?

                She's fine. She's fine.

                She's just had too many Diet Cokes today.

                Yeah, this girl is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.


                So, are you gonna tell him, or am I?

                Could you excuse me? Could I talk to you?


                You want to tell me what the hell he's doing here?

                I wanted to talk to you.

                What the hell do you care?

                You totally bailed on me this morning.

                I panicked. It happens.

                I thought we could work it out, you know.

                I mean, I don't know if now is the right time for us.

                Look, I meant everything that I said to you last night.

                Don't look at me like that.

                Don't look at me like that. That's not what I'm saying.

                I'm not saying I...

                Look, you are the only woman...

                that I could ever commit myself to.

                So what? Do I get a medal?

                I win the big commitment cook-off, and you just run away?

                I knew this was gonna happen! I knew this was gonna happen!

                I don't want to lose you.

                I've never been in an experience like this before.

                I've never had sex with somebody that I loved before.

                Oh, well, congratulations, Troy Dyer.

                Welcome to the world of the emotionally immature.

                It's a really nice place to visit.

                Hey, you may run into Michael. He lives here.

                Oh, yeah, right. Michael. Michael. He's so mature...

                because he lets you navigate that entire relationship.

                Well, I'm sorry, Lelaina, but you can't navigate me.

                I might do mean things, and I might hurt you...

                and I might run away without your permission...

                and you might hate me forever.

                And I know that that scares the shit out of you...

                because I'm the only real thing that you have.

                Yeah? Well, that ain't real much.

                One, two, three, four.

                Hey, Troy, man, you're on.

                Michael, I'm sorry...

                Listen, I'm sorry, all right? That's what this is all about.

                This one's for you, Lainie.

                Why can't I get just one kiss?

                You told me there'd be some things that I wouldn't miss

                But I looked at your pants

                And I need a kiss

                Why can't I get just one screw?

                Believe me, I'd know what to do

                But something won't let me make love to you

                Why can't I get just one ah?

                Oh, nice job. Very well done. Really good.

                I don't want to hear it from you.

                Yeah? Well, I forgot I'm not qualified to talk to you.

                I'm sorry I can't be Mister...

                Hey, look at me. I'm Buddha on the mountaintop.

                You know what you are, man? You what what you remind me of?

                You're like that guy, you know, with the...

                with the hat and the bells and the little, you know...

                The court jester.

                Yeah, right. Where everything's so easy to laugh at...

                from a safe distance back in Clever-Clever Land.

                You know what happens to him?

                They find his skull in a grave, and they go...

                "Oh, I knew him, and he was funny. "

                And the guy, the court jester, dies all by himself.

                Where'd you hear that, a Renaissance festival?

                Besides, everyone dies all by himself.

                If you really believe that...

                Who are you looking for out here?

                SINGING: You say you want

                Diamonds on a ring of gold

                You say you want

                Your story to remain untold

                But all the promises we make

                From the cradle to the grave

                When all I want is you

                You say you'll give me

                A highway with no one on it

                Treasure just to look upon it

                All the riches in the night

                You say you'll give me

                Eyes in a moon of blindness

                A river in a time of dryness

                A harbour in the tempest

                But all the promises we make

                From the cradle to the grave

                When all I want is you



                SINGING: All I want is you

                All I want is you

                All I want is you...

                -Hey, Lainie. This is Lance. -Hi.

                Um... I just need to know if he's OK.


                OK. All I know is he went back to Chicago...


                I'm not supposed to know that, am I?




                I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute...

                before you go.

                See, the thing is that, um...


                my dad died.

                Oh, god, Troy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

                No. It...

                What happened was that, um...

                I kind of got this arcane glimpse at the universe.

                And the best thing that I can say about that is...

                I don't know. I...

                I have this... this planet of regret...

                sitting on my shoulders.

                And you have no idea how much I wish that I could go back...

                to that morning after we made love...

                and do everything different.

                But I know that I can't, so...

                I thought that I would come here and tell you something.

                And what I wanted to tell you...

                was that I love you...

                and, uh... just wanted to make sure that that was clear...

                so that there wasn't any confusion.


                So, anyway, uh...

                Where are you going?

                I was going to look for you.

                What for?

                Just... wanted to see if you were OK.

                Well, I had a shitty week, you know.

                A froggy went a-courting, and he did ride

                With a sword and a pistol by his side

                Uh-huh, uh-huh, mmm-hmm-hmm

                Well, he rode right up to Miss Mousie's door...

                TROY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: At the beep...

                please leave your name, number, and a brief justification...

                for the ontological necessity...

                of modern man's existential dilemma...

                and we'll get back to you.

                Uh, Lelaina, this is your dad.

                Give me a call when you get this.

                I need you to explain something.

                I just got a nine-hundred-dollar bill on my gas card.

                If we should fall, love will catch us every time

                I hear you call, I will run

                And if the magic of the adventure overcomes

                We won't cry, because it could be fun

                What I'm trying to do is constantly find those people...

                find out what makes them the best and bring that...

                Tired of getting razzes for being bald?

                I'm only a young man.

                No more dates where I've been called old man.

                Roy, why are you doing this to me?

                I know we can be happy together.

                You'll chill in time. Right now, I need someone...

                who understands what my music and the band mean to me.

                But it's just music, Roy.

                I'm a human being with deep feelings...

                who feels things deeply.

                Music is feeling, babe.

                The band may be a small dream, but it's the only one I've got.

                I'm Audi     .

                Please don't let him get drunk and drive.

                SINGING: Won't be very long

                Till I'm going, going, gone

                You say

                I only hear what I want to

                You say

                I talk so all the time


                And I thought what I felt was simple

                And I thought that I don't belong

                And now that I am leaving

                Now I know that I did something wrong

                'Cause I missed you

                Yeah, yeah, I missed you

                And you say

                I only hear what I want to

                I don't listen hard, I don't pay attention

                To the distance that you're running

                Or to anyone, anywhere

                I don't understand if you really care

                I'm only hearing negative, no, no, no, no


                So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up

                And this woman was singing my song

                The lover's in love, and the other's run away

                The lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay

                Some of us hover when we weep for the other

                Who was dying since the day they were born, well

                Well, this is not that, I think that I'm throwing

                But I'm thrown

                And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure

                You try to tell me that I'm clever

                But that won't take me anyhow

                Or anywhere with you

                You said that I was naive and

                I thought that I was strong, no

                I thought, hey, I can leave, I can leave, though

                But now I know that I was wrong

                Because I missed you

                Yeah, I missed you

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