Voila! Finally, the The Ref
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Denis Leary and
Kevin Spacey movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Ref. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
[Choir]
The holly and the ivy
When they are both full grown
Of all the trees
that are in the woods
The holly bears the crown
Oh, the rising of the sun
And the running of the deer
The playing of the merry organ
Sweet singing in the choir
There's supposed to be
a babyJesus in the manger...
but someone stole it.
- Really?
- Lieutenant, where is that babyJesus?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sounds great, Bob.
Thanks, Chief.
Merry Christmas.
Steve, Phil,
merry Christmas.
Oh, wow!
That's so cool.
[Train Whistle Blowing]
[Whistle Blowing]
Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
- Merry Christmas to you and your family.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- [Bell Tolling]
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[Man] All right,
this next exercise...
will help you both
with listening.
One of you will speak while
the other really just...
listens.
Would someone like
to go first?
- Me. I had this crazy dream.
- Do we have to do dreams?
I was at this fancy restaurant
having lunch...
and the waiter brought me my entree.
It was a salad.
It was Lloyd's head
on a plate of spinach...
with his penis
sticking out of his ear.
And I said,
'I didn't order this. "
And the waiter said,
"You must try it. It's a delicacy.
But don't eat the penis:
it's just garnish."
- Mmm.
- Lloyd, what do you
think about the dream?
I think she should stop telling it
at dinner parties to all our friends.
I mean, dreams should be private,
don't you think?
I'm not here to judge or
to take sides. I will say...
- Communication is healthy.
- Healthy?
Telling people she dreams of me being
castrated "Florentined" is healthy?
Are there any sexual
problems in the marriage?
Well...
the truth is, um, we haven't had sex
in quite a while.
[Clears Throat] And before that,
it wasn't all that, um...
Oh, what's the word?
- Noteworthy.
- Mm-hmm.
By our th anniversary, we'd
gotten into a pretty stale routine.
A couple of kisses,
a couple of nipple twists.
It would be over in the time
it takes to make cappuccino.
I know because I timed it once.
I mean, it's no wonder I had an affair.
How could you tell him that so casually,
like you were asking for water?
Actually, may I have
a glass of water?
Why don't you have oral sex too.
I'll go wait in the car!
Lloyd, how do you feel
about Caroline's affair?
- He just wants me to wear a red
"A" and sleep in the basement.
- Is that so unreasonable?
Everything's either
black or white with him.
You know, he doesn't... he doesn't see
where he's responsible.
And I mean, it just didn't mean
anything to me.
It shouldn't even
be counted as an affair.
[Sighs]
I think we need
a ruling on this.
Bells will be ringing
The sad, sad news
Oh, what a Christmas
To have the blues
My baby's gone
I have no friends
[Beep]
[Tapping On Keys]
[Cat Yowls]
[Sniffing]
Jesus.
[Sniffs]
Cat piss.
[Sniffs]
Ugh.
[Spits]
[Dr. Wong] Lloyd, have you
forgiven Caroline for her affair?
Look, it was a long time ago.
It's over. I'm fine about it.
- I just don't want to talk about it.
- Then let me ask you something.
What do you want
from the marriage now?
I wanna stop talking about it.
Look, the truth is I want nothing.
I have everything I need.
I'm actually a very content person.
What a liar. You're so unhappy
you can hardly breathe.
And I feel it in every gesture,
in every silence.
And I'm miserable. How can we
both be in the marriage...
- And I'm miserable and you're content?
- Luck?
- Caroline, what do you
want from the marriage?
- Oh, this should be good.
You don't know what you want.
You blame everybody else for it.
She's impossible to satisfy.
She lives in her fantasies.
I mean, let's really try to understand
Caroline's miserable life.
- She lives in a beautiful home.
- Which his mother owns.
- I have a successful business.
- Which his mother owns.
We're in servitude to his mother for
a loan she's charging us % interest on.
- We personally own nothing.
- We took out a loan.
No, you took out a loan.
It was your decision.
- You took out a loan from Satan Mom.
- She blames my mother...
for everything that's gone wrong
in her life. In the meantime,
she never finishes anything.
Photography courses,
existential philosophy courses,
Scandinavian cooking classes...
- At least I go after my dreams.
- To be what? Somebody
who takes photographs...
of lutefisk to prove
the nothingness of being?
No wonder our son's so confused.
See? He blames me forJesse.
Is that right?
- I'm not here to judge.
- What the hell good are you?
You're the one who suffocated him
with limitations.
- Our son's a very sensitive, creative...
- Juvenile delinquent.
- Boy. He has the imagination...
- That the Mafia gives scholarships for.
In the ninth grade, we told him
he could get a part-time job.
He started an escort service
for the football team, and he gave
out my mother's phone number.
And I still say gettin' laid
by an -year-old linebacker
is just what she needs!
- Please! Let's lower our voices!
- [Both] Fuck you!
Yes.
[Ticking]
- [Ticking Accelerating]
- Fuckin'...
- [Sirens Blaring]
- [Electronic Voice] Burglary.! Burglary.!
Burglary.!
Ohh!
- [Sirens Continue]
- Oh, no! Gussie!
Where the hell are ya?
[Gasping]
[Growling]
[Growling Continues]
[Growling]
Wanna play ball?
Play catch, pal? Huh?
Chase the ball?
[Thud]
[Barking Continues]
[Crunching]
[Crunching Continues]
Good doggy.
Good thickheaded doggy.
- How about this, huh? Huh?
- [Growling]
Go.
- [Snarling]
- [Screams]
[Sirens Wailing]
- [Chattering On Police Radio]
- [Policeman # ] Get some light over here.
[Policeman # ]
Check around back.
You can divorce me, you know.
I mean, I don't care about alimony.
You can say...
that I was unfaithful.
You were.
That's why I said
you can say it.
No, no. You said it
as if it weren't true...
but that I could say it
just to get the divorce.
Except that it is true,
and we're not getting a divorce.
[Radio]
And later on in the news...
- Aren't you coming in with me?
- No, I want to listen to the news.
There is a world going on beyond
our problems, Caroline.
Just because you've made
your decree about this divorce...
- Doesn't mean I'm giving up on it.
- Caroline...
the day you see anything through to
the end, I'll stick my own dick in my ear.
[Sirens Wailing In Distance]
- [Door Opens, Closes]
- [Bell Rings]
- [Bell Rings]
- [Woman] I ordered a case of
eggnog so this wouldn't happen.
[Clerk] I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
[Woman] You don't understand.
I have relatives coming in one hour...
and you have
one bottle of eggnog.
- What am I gonna do?
- It's Christmas. I'm here alone.
I'd love to be able to help you.
I don't know what to tell you.
[Woman]
Are you crazy?
[Clerk] I have nothing
I can do for you. I'm sorry.
- There's no one in the store to help me.
Can't you make some?
- Make some? Are you nuts?
- I have got relatives coming.
- It only takes cream, nutmeg...
You don't understand.
What am I gonna do without it?
- I promised them I'd have eggnog!
- You can if you make it.
I can't make it!
You make it!
- [Gun Cocks]
- Okay.
- Don't move. Don't talk.
This is a gun in your back.
- [Gasps, Drops Groceries]
What's going on?
Who is he?
He's the world beyond our problems,
which is now our problem.
- Shut up. Drive.
- My God, Carrie, are you all right?
Drive.
[Man # ] Lieutenant Huff, how could
this have happened in Old Baybrook?
[Man # ] Why weren't there
more police on the street?
- This man has been terrorizing
the entire county.
- Look.
I'd put more men on the street, but
they're not qualified for this kind of thing.
Why not? They are police,
aren't they?
They have no experience.
Nothing ever happens in this town.
The only time we get
calls from you people...
is when some kid is
playing a practical joke...
or your faggot dogs start humping
each other without permission.
Anytime there's any real problem,
you people call yourjudge friends...
and your attorney general friends
and your district attorney friends.
Why don't you call them now
and get the hell out of my office?
It doesn't necessarily
have to be your office.
I'm calling an emergency meeting
of the Old Baybrook
Emergency Community Committee.
And I'll be suggesting
at that meeting...
that our volunteers patrol
the streets to protect our homes.
And if you would like, Lt. Huff, I will speak
to the mayor... a golfing chum of mine...
about finding you a replacement, since
you don't like it here in Old Baybrook.
And maybe I'll just tell him that
you've hit into a water hazard...
and you're way in
over your head.
Get out.
[Radio] Authorities have speculated
that the thief may still be in the area.
- Roadblocks are being set up on Interstate...
- Fuck! Goddamn it!
Turn it off.
Turn it off.
Goddamn it! Shit!
Fuckin'Christmas.!
Fuckin' cocksuckers!
Jesus!
I can't believe they're going
to all this trouble for a thief.
- I mean, it's not like you killed anyone.
- Kinda silly, ain't it?
- Yeah.
- Although it's still early, right?
- What's that smell?
- Shut up!
Take me to your house.
Listen, we'll drop you off wherever
you'd like, and we won't say a word.
- We're not heroes.
- I can vouch for that. Lloyd is no hero.
Enough, okay? I said take me
to your fuckin' house.
I gotta think.
Aw, fuck.
[Chuckles]
- Fuck. Christ. [Whispering]
- What? Nothing.
- No. What was that laugh for? No, I don't.
- Oh, like you don't know.
Oh, yeah, sure, right.
"Lloyd's no hero." Thanks a lot!
- Please. I was trying to...
- Go to hell!
Shut up.
- Never've happened
if you'd come into the store!
- I have a gun.
- He chose me because I was alone.
- Shut up!
- Jesus fuckin' Christ!
- Okay, okay.
But I'm right, aren't I? You would
never have taken a couple, would you?
- All right. No.
- No. Thank you. Thank you.
- Christ.
- See?
- Happy now? Great.
- Yeah, I am, actually.
- Less than ten minutes ago,
you sat in the car...
- Hey, hey! Stop sign.
- And told me you want to stop arguing.
- Stop sign! Whoa!
- [Horn Blaring]
- Ho.! Ho.! Ho.!
Hey, morons!
- You ran the stop sign.
- I did not. There was no stop sign.
- Yes, there was, and yes, you did.
- You didn't even see it.
- He saw it. He said, 'stop sign. "I heard it.
- Great.
I hijacked
my fuckin' parents.
- Somebody who makes sense,
I listen to.! Yes, there was.
- There was no stop sign.
[Men Talking, Shouting]
- Uh, Lieutenant, I found
this mask with a weird smell.
- We both found it.
[Sniffing]
Urine.
Oh, thank God.
Phil thought it might be semen.
Phil needs to talk
to a therapist.
Hey, Lieutenant.
- [Phil] We found it. Why'd you say that?
- [Steve] I found it.
It's the county prosecutor.
Lt. Huff here.
- Will Warren here.
What's the suspect's M.O.?
- Shh.
Suspect left behind
a face mask.
There are traces of blond hair
and the faint odor of after-shave mixed...
I spoke to Mr. Willard. It seems there
might be a videotape of the robbery.
- A videotape? Where'd he say it is?
- I called state police.
- State police? Is that necessary?
- It would be best...
- My men are searching the place now...
- No.
- What?
- We'll let professionals handle this.
Excuse me, but this is my jurisdiction,
and we are perfectly capable...
I do not want you or your men
going in there.! Do you hear me?
Yeah, yeah.
I heard you!
So... can we go home now?
Get everybody out of there. Leave a
couple of guys here for the state police.
- They got professionals coming.
- [Clock Chiming]
- [Car Doors Opening]
- [Engines Starting]
[Chiming Continues]
[Muffed Hard Rock]
Lf that's wanting
- Lf that's love
- [Knocking At Door]
- Lf that's love
- [Knocking]
- Lf that's love
- [Knocking]
I'm coming.
- Chasser.
- That's Chasseur. It's
th-century French Huguenot.
I'm glad I caught you before
you left for the holidays.
- May I come in?
- No.
- I can't give it to you out in the hall.
- Listen, Siskel...
I just developed some
new pictures. Stunning.
Might even make a book.
Something like Mapplethorpe,
only a little bit more personal.
- Demon seed.
- Ooh.
My best to the wife and kids.
Merry Christmas.
Move it. Move it, I said.
- We have gifts in the car in back.
- Shut up!
They might get stolen.
- Well, didn't you lock the car?
- That's ridiculous.
Shut up! Christ.
- [Security System Beeping]
- [Jesse] Hi, guys. It's me.
- [Gasps]
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- The alarm.
- You don't have to pick me up
at the station.
I'm getting a ride home with a friend.
I'll be late for dinner...
so start without me.
Just kidding, Mom. See you later. Bye.
- [Machine Beeps]
- Who's that?
- J-Jesse, our son.
- We were supposed to p...
- Station.
- At : .
Nice.
You rich?
- No. Oh, God, no. No, no.
- Not really, no.
Antiques like this
ain't cheap.
I run an antique store in town.
These are all from the shop.
- It's his mother's store.
- So?
Well, you made it sound like
it was yours. 'I run an antique store. "
I said I run it. I didn't say I own it.
I am the manager.
- Do you think he cares
if you work for your mother?
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Let's get one thing straight. From now on,
the only person who yells is me.
Why? Because
I have a gun, okay?
People with guns can do
whatever they want.
Married people without guns...
for instance, you...
- [Both] Mm-hmm.
- Do not get to yell!
Why? No guns!
No guns, no yelling! See?
Simple little equation.
Jesus Christ, who are
you fuckin'people?
Caroline and Lloyd Chasseur.
What's your name?
Fuck you, that's my name.
Got any rope... Lloyd?
For what?
- What am l, applying for a job?
- No.
Then stop asking me fuckin' questions,
okay? Got any rope, Lloyd?
No, we don't
have any rope.
We have bungee cords.
They might work.
- Where? Move.
- Right through there in the kitchen.
I don't believe you.
Expecting company?
Yes. Lloyd's mother and his brother's
family are coming for dinner.
They should be here by : .
Great.
Jesus.
Excuse my reach.
- Pass the ketchup.
- Pass the ketchup, please.
I'm not hungry now. I thought
we were eating at Uncle Lloyd's.
God knows what disaster
your Aunt Caroline is making.
This may be our last chance
for normal food.
She does it to irritate me.
I'm the one that she's after.
- But I'm not hungry now.
- Eat! Don't annoy me. It's Christmas.
- I'm sure she's going to a lot of trouble.
- Gary.
The last time you ate her cooking,
you had diarrhea for a week.
You had diarrhea
for a week, Dad?
That is not appropriate
dinner conversation. Eat!
If we hate Aunt Caroline's
cooking so much, why do we go
there every year for Christmas?
Because my poor Lloyd
needs his family.
Otherwise, he'd be all alone with that
adulteress and her delinquent son.
I hope they get into a fight
like always. Their fights are bitchin'.
Shut up.! Don't make me nuts today.!
It's Christmas.!
Merry Christmas.
Ahh. Mmm.
So... what's the worst
dive bar near here?
- Seventeenth Hole.
- The Mackerel Lounge.
[Both]
How do you know that?
I passed by once
on the access road.
Did you ever pass by
the Seventeenth Hole?
It's like a urinal with windows.
And the Mackerel Lounge
couldn't be a dive bar, because
they can have entertainment.
- It's Christmas
You're drunk and in jail
- [Phone Ringing]
Mackerel Lounge.
Herbie speaking.
- I'm looking for a friend.
- [Lloyd] The Mackerel Lounge
couldn't be the worst dive bar.
- Can you hang on
just one second please?
- Oh, you happen to know.!
Aah!
Thanks. I'm looking
for a friend of mine.
He's kind of a, uh,
short... drunken loser.
You just described
everybody in the place.
See if there's a guy
named Murray there, okay?
Is there a Murray here?
There'll be some whiskey
and a six-pack
- Not a tree
- I don't think he's here, pal.
See if there's a waste of fucking life
named Murray. Try that one, okay?
Is there a fucking waste
of life named Murray here?
Gus. Uh...
hello?
Murray.
How are ya, pal?
- Fine. How are you?
- Oh, fabulous, fabulous.
Of course, I'm a little tired...
from running for ten hundred
fuckin'miles because there was
no fuckin'car waiting for me.!
What did I tell you
if something went wrong?
I told you to act like
a drunk vagrant imbecile.
- Is that too much of a fuckin' stretch?
- I got nervous.
The cops were
all over the place.
The cops, they've set up a roadblock.
They're checking cars.
- And by : tonight, there's a curfew.
- Fuck it.
- I just heard it at the bar.
- Fuckin'...
Excuse me.
Is anything wrong?
Lloyd, don't talk to me.
Don't talk to me.
Shut up.
- Don't say anything to me.
Okay? Understand?
- [Murray] Gussie?
- Shh.
- Because maybe we can help, you know.
My God!
I swear to God!
Gussie, where the hell are ya? I'm scared.
I don't think I can handle this.
- I'm...
- Ya been drinkin'?
No. No.
What are ya, nuts?
- Listen...
- Calm down, okay? Just calm down.
You gotta help me.
I'll tell you what. Go to a place
called Winslow Harbors, okay?
- And steal us a boat.
- Boat? Wha...
I'm a car man, Gussie. What the hell
do I know about boats?
Figure it out.! I don't care if it's
a barrel as long as it fucking floats.
: now. Curfew starts at : .
That gives you more than enough time.
Ya got a pen?
Write this number down.
Okay? - .
- Okay? Repeat it.
- .
Listen, kid. Maybe you better
tell me where the swag is, in
case I have to bribe somebody.
- No, Murray. No.
- But...
You can hot-wire station wagons,
you can hot-wire a fucking boat.
And just remember,
if you can't, what men your age
become in prison: wet nurses.
Okay, Murray?
Bye-bye.
Oh. Thanks.
Ah. Everything's
gonna be fine.
Everything's
gonna be A-okay.
We're gonna be in a boat in a couple
of hours. We'll be out of here.
Right back on track.
Right? Right.
[Gulping Loudly]
Ah! Ahh!
Now...
got any cigarettes?
I don't smoke,
and Caroline just quit.
Ah.
Just quit, huh?
So... where are they,
Caroline?
What do you mean?
Where... are they...
Caroline?
Behind the chessboard.
Chessboard,
chessboard.
What?
You told me you quit.
- Yes!
- I told you I wouldn't smoke in the house.
- I never said I quit.
- You said you quit. You hadn't
had a cigarette in three months.
I haven't finished a cigarette
in three months. I take a few drags.
- I don't inhale.
- You are such a liar. I don't believe it.
- I am not a liar!
- You sat right in the dining room
and lied to me!
- It was in the bathroom.
- I wonder how many other things
you've been lying about.
- Aah! Unh!
- Aah!
[Panting]
Ugh.
Did you say that you
would quit, Caroline?
Did you say
that you would quit?
Yes! So you are a liar.
End of story.
[Chuckling]
[Pistol Cocks]
You saw the stop sign,
didn't you, Lloyd? Huh?
You... saw... the... stop...
sign... didn't you, Lloyd?
- Yes, I did.
- Yes! So you, too, are a liar.
Capital "L", small "l",
small "A", small "R", period.
Now shut the fuck up.
- [Sniffs] Did you have an accident?
- [Sniffing]
[Grunts]
Ooh! Did you know
you're bleeding?
- Oh, yeah.
- [Lloyd] Were you shot?
- A goddamn dog bit me.
- What dog?
- Willard's dog.
- Cannibal bit you?
- His name is Cannibal?
- Yeah.
Um, there are Band-Aids
in the bathroom...
in the master bedroom
upstairs.
What's through here?
That's the mudroom.
Use the ouchless.
They're in the green container.
[Sighs]
I don't believe it.
You want to have sex with him.
- What?
- "Use the ouchless."
"We have bungee cords."
Ugh.
I'm frightened.
Humans get frightened
because they have feelings.
Didn't your alien leaders teach you
that before they sent you here?
I suppose you'll use this drama
as a reason to have another affair.
I feel sorry for the next deliveryman
that comes to this house!
[Doorbell Rings]
Shh.
[Ring]
Okay, our car's
in the driveway.
The lights are on.
They know we're in here.
- [Humming]
- [Doorbell Rings]
Who the fuck is that?
Make it quick.
Okay.
Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas.
Did I catch you
at a bad time?
No, no, no. I was, um,
in the attic.
I bet you thought Margaret forgot you
on her fruitcake list.
I thought... maybe.
[Laughing]
Well, she would
never do that.
- [Santa Laughing]
- Oh? Great.
- Thank you, George.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks to Margaret. Yup. Bye.
- Right. Yeah. Hey!
Did you hear
about the reward?
Willard called the radio station
from Bimini when he found out
about the robberies...
and he said he'll give $
to anyone who captures this guy.
- Oop. Okay, bye.
- Well. [Laughing]
I got a lot of children
to see before that curfew.
- Thank you.
- Pay my best to Lloyd.
- Yup.
- And to that son of yours. Uh...
- Jesse. Okay, bye-bye.
- I'm still waiting for our chess rematch.
And ifhe happens to know
where the town's babyJesus is...
we're still missing it from the lawn
Nativity scene from last year.
- My God.
- Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
Bye.
That guy blames Jesse
for everything that happens.
And he hasn't played chess
with him for years.
Ah. What's in this?
- I don't know, alum? Don't eat it.
- [Spitting]
- Welcome to the suburbs.
- Yeah.
- Where are those Band-Aids?
- Upstairs.
Show me.
Wow.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
It's my mother-in-law's. Every time
I pass it, I feel her eyes on me.
You want it?
Do I want it?
This is Chagall, right?
- This is a real Chagall.
- Yeah.
It really pisses me off.
- Sorry?
- You got something like this
hanging on your wall...
and you don't even
fuckin' appreciate it.
Probably 'cause you never
worked a day in your life.
That's not true.
We had our own business once.
We owned a restaurant.
An Italian restaurant.
'Course, I would have
preferred French, but anyway...
- It failed eventually...
- What are we, girlfriends here?
Do I give a shit about this?
No. Let's move.
[Radio]
Cloudy skies, drizzle...
- You wanna go for coffee?
- Look, kid, I gotta get home to my family.
This is my lastjob.
Oh, come on.
It can't be that bad.
Look. Can you just drive me
around the block a little?
I'll give you another fifty.
Well, it's your money, pal.
- [Children Yelling]
- [George] Who's been naughty
and who's been nice?
Here we are.! Hey, hey.!
I got one forJohnny here.!
And here's one for Bill.
And for Karen.
- And here's a beautiful looking...
- It's so cold out tonight.
- Do you think Santa would
like something to eat?
- [George] Santa's hungry.!
- [Boy] Let's give him some cookies.!
- Cookies.
- Santa, have a cookie.!
- Over here.!
- Merry Christmas, Santa. [Laughing]
- Uh-huh.
- [Boy] The cookies are good.!
- All right, everybody, tuck in!
Let's eat, huh?
- Here, Santa!
- Enough with the cookies, kids!
You two were gone
an awfully long time.
I got us moved to
a more comfortable place.
What did you have to do for it,
dress his wounds?
Oh, that's right, Lloyd.
We're having an affair.
He wants to run away to Acapulco. He
tied me up in case I had second thoughts.
No one goes
to Acapulco anymore.
Our son's walking in here any minute.
Why don't you worry about that?
Look, if we just cooperate,
I'm sure he won't hurt him.
What are you doing?
I think we can get out of these.
Oh, move your body!
Stop that!
What if he walks in here?
We'll just say we're
being... affectionate.
Tied up,
with an armed man in the house?
Works for me.
- Just reach down and touch
that clippery thing.
- Listen to me.
I cannot move my arm.
- Oh! Oh, oh! Stop it!
- What's that?
It's nothing.
It doesn't
feel like nothing.
- Just the friction.
- [Chuckling]
Stop it.
[Groaning]
[Chuckling]
Lloyd, you animal.
Haven't you left yet?
- Did ya hear the fuckin' phone ring?
- Look, what about our son?
Well, guess it's gonna be a real Chasser
family picnic, huh?
That's Chasseur.
It's th-century French Huguenot.
- Got any extra cord?
- No, we don't have any extra cord.
Okay. Guess we're gonna
have to economize, huh?
- [Horns Honking]
- Move up!
Bring 'em on up.
Keep it moving.
Keep moving.
You, sir. Whoa. Whoa.
- May I see some identifiication, please?
- Certainly, sir.
- How can they do this on Christmas Eve?
- There is a criminal at large.
They can't stop
for the holidays.
Maybe they'll let him go
in the spirit of Christmas.
That is not
the spirit of Christmas.
The spirit of Christmas is
either you're good, or you're
punished and you burn in hell.
- Who would catch a criminal
and then let him go free?
- Republicans?
[Policeman]
Have a merry Christmas.
[Caroline Sighing]
Why don't you
just give yourself up?
- What'd you say?
- Well, you're not going to kill
an entire family.
It's over. I mean, you're not the type.
You're a thief, not a killer.
That's obvious.
I hate guys like you,
you know?
With yourJeep Grand Cherokees
and your Nicaraguan maids
and your Ping Zing golf clubs...
every goddamn thing in the world
handed to you. What fuckin'
purpose do you people serve?
You're a criminal.
What purpose could you serve?
Fuck you, Lloyd.
I work for a living, okay?
I have a skill.
I'm in the game, pal.
What do you do except
take up fuckin' space?
If you're so skilled,
what are you doing stuck here?
I can break into any house, take whatever
I want: in and out, ten minutes.
No prints, no evidence,
nothing.
If what's-his-name hadn't installed
that fuckin' roadrunner booby trap...
- I'd be in Jamaica by now.
- Mmm, I'm impressed.
No, you people don't
get impressed, do ya?
Life just bores the shit
out of you people. I'm sorry.
We don't all have rich mummies
and daddies we can live off of...
or open restaurants
when we get bored playing tennis.
You told him
about the restaurant?
Yeah. I heard you couldn't cut it working
for a living, Mr. Brooks Brothers, so...
Shut up.!
You and my wife
have a lot in common.
You both think you have some right
to life working out the way you want...
and if it doesn't, you get
to act any way you want.
The problem is someone
has to be responsible.
I'd love to run around taking classes
and playing with my inner-selfness.
I'd love the freedom to be a pissed-off
criminal without any responsibility...
except I don't have the time!
But you don't see me with a gun.
You don't see me sleeping
with someone else.
You think my life turned out the way
I wanted because I live in this house?
You think every time I look in the mirror
I shout, "Gee, I'm glad I'm me...
"and not some -year-old billionaire
rock star with the body of an athlete...
and a -hour erection"? No, I don't!
So just excuse the shit out of me!
- [Door Closes]
- Oh, God!
Shh.
Nice and quiet.
[Footsteps]
[Footsteps]
Are you guys decent?
[Knocking]
Hello?
- Hey.
- Jesse!
- Jesse.
- Who are you? Hey! Watch it!
- You guys okay?
- Hands behind your back.
- Wait a second. You're the guy who...
- Shut up!
This isn't your M.O.
You only knock over estates.
- But hostages? That's a no-win situation.
- You too, huh?
You know what this family
needs? A mute.
Let me say it one more time. I have a gun.
It's loaded. Shut up. Okay?
Yes, but we have people
coming for dinner.
- They're driving from Boston.
You gonna tie us all up?
- Five extra people.
- Dinner's canceled.
- We can't cancel dinner.
I mean, they're on the road.
- [Lloyd] They'll be here by : .
- Should I shoot one of you in the foot?
Listen. If the police have a curfew,
they might do house-to-house searches.
- You can't stay here.
- That would be very bad for you.
- Really.
- I can't leave until my partner calls.
- How do you know he'll call?
- He'll call. He better fuckin' call.
- [Sniffing]
- I swear to God, if he doesn't call...
What smells like piss?
Up against the bed.
Maybe I could
sell tickets. No, no.
Let's see. No, no. The...
The point is, in order to get this robe...
You know, I've never seen this movie
all the way through.
- Don't you live in this country?
- They show it during the holidays.
With the kids and the family,
I've never seen the whole thing.
- The color of your jacket.
- It's charcoal.
- I didn't know what you were talking about.
- Merry Christmas, Lieutenant.
- Yeah, merry Christmas.
- Where the hell are you two going?
Stay here.
- Did you have to say, "Merry Christmas"?
- That's the way I was brought up.
- Push rewind.
- Uh... is this it?
No, that's fast-forward.
This is it.
Give me that.
What you're about to see has to be kept
within the confines of this room.
Do you understand?
- Wait a minute.! That's...
- Shh!
- It's old man Willard's place!
- Shh.!
- [Sirens Blaring]
- [Electronic Voice] Burglary.! Burglary.!
- Burglary.! Burglary.!
- [Phone Ringing]
- Now listen up.
We're gonna find this guy.
- Precinct.
Watch it a few more times.
Then I'll organize specific teams...
each with a specific
geographic location.
Lieutenant.
Some county prosecutor guy?
I'll take it in my office.
- Nobody leaves.
- Yeah, he'll be right with you.
Okay, I'll put you
on hold. Thank you.
- Wow!
- Yeah.
- Should we watch it again?
- I think we should just wait
'til Huff gets back.
Well, while we're waiting...
I think this is it.
No.! It's this one.
Now, you listen to me!
I don't want any plastics
and I don't want any ground foors...
and I don't want to get married ever
to anyone.! Do you understand?
Hey.! Who are you?
- I'm Murray.
- What do you want?
Is this your boat?
[Caroline] That was quite an outburst.
I should tie you up more often.
[Sighs]
Listen. About the restaurant,
I didn't say...
How did you
get home again?
- I got a ride with a friend.
- Which friend?
Which friend?
Do I know him?
All right,
I took a limo, okay?
Where'd you get
the money for a limo?
- Okay, I stole one. Is that better?
- Listen, smart-mouth...
- If you would answer a simple question...
- Don't talk to him like that.!
- You've never disciplined him.!
- If you had not sent him to that prison...
[Humming]
- I went there.
- For a summer. I go for
my entire high school life.
You were sent there because high schools
wouldn't enroll you anymore.
Aye aye aye aye aye aye!
[Making Noises]
- It's nobody's fault. Feel better...
- That's it!
What the hell is wrong with you people?
You're supposed to be a family.
How can you talk
to each other like that?
Why don't you go on Oprah
and get it over with? Christ!
- What's the quickest way to the docks?
- Bainbridge.
You take Main Street and you turn left
on Domino Square.
You can't. Domino Square
is a one-way street.
Bainbridge is the only
two-way street to the docks.
You know, you're never
gettin' out of here.
- Why don't you take the highway?
It's quicker.!
- Not the way you drive.!
We don't have much time. Pay attention
to any distinguishing features.
Now, you listen to me!
I don't want any plastics and
I don't want any ground foors.
You understand that?
[Tape Rewinding]
This... this...
I don't... l...
- I don't want any plastics...
- Lt. Huff.
I believe you have some
evidence in your possession...
belongs to the county
prosecutor's office.
[TV]... Do what I want to do.
And you're... And you're...
- Mary.!
- George.! George.!
- [TV] I'm worth more dead than alive.
- Unbelievable.
No sense of time.
Never again. Never again!
Excuse me. Those dolls are my mother's.
She's been collecting them for years.
- Could you be more careful with them?
- I'm sorry.
- If he doesn't call, you're dead in the water.
- Jesse, be quiet.
- Listen to your father, kid.
- I'm only stating the obvious.
What is it,
minutes 'til curfew?
And I heard on the radio
they found a ski mask on the scene.
Anyone get
a good look at you?
[Newscaster]
To residents of Old Baybrook...
Jeremiah Willard is known
as the amusement park king...
an eccentric known for his love
of animals and generous contributions.
We now go to the Willard mansion
and to our on-the-scene reporter
Mike Michaels. Mike?
Thanks. Old Baybrook residents
will be competing for top dollars...
before tonight's curfew
goes into effect.
Representatives ofJeremiah Willard
have confiirmed...
the reward is now $ .
This may turn out to be a very merry
Christmas for some lucky family.
Back to you, Karen.
I'm in hell.
- Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.
- [Alarm Beeping]
What the fuck is that?
Ow.!
Jesus.!
[Beeping Continues]
- Oh!
- [Lloyd] What happened?
- Stay where you are.!
Untie my parents now.!
- [Lloyd]Jesse.!
Kid, what're you doin'?
- I mean it! Untie my parents.
- Jesse!
- Jesse, phone the police.
- Put the gun down.
- Shut up.
Get back on your knees
or I'll shoot!
- You will?
- I will.! I'll... I'll shoot you.!
'Cause I'm gonna keep walkin'. Can you
get to that phone before I get to you?
- Jesse, put the gun down.
- [Telephone Ringing]
No! No! Unh!
- [Gunshot]
- [Caroline Screams]
[Ringing Continues]
- [Horns]
- [Ringing Continues]
- Hello?
- Caroline?
- It's Connie.
Listen, we got a little held up.
- Oh, hi.
We'll be there
in minutes.
I hope that dinner
isn't ruined.
- Oh, well... bye.
- Okay, bye.
All right, get in the car!
Great. Looks like there's gonna be
one more for dinner, huh?
I'll have a blue Christmas...
[Phone Rings]
- Siskel.
- [Woman] Honey,
when are you coming home?
Your parents are here.
The children are asking for you.
I'm sorry, Stella.
I had some last-minute work to do.
Uh, I'll get there as soon as I can, okay?
Tell the kids I love 'em.
- Okay, please hurry.
- Okay, bye.
Decorations of red
On a green Christmas tree
Look, you're making a mistake.
I could help you out, you know.
- I got $ cash...
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
It's been a long, bad day.
I'd rather be in Iraq
than in this fuckin' house.
So do me a favor,
do yourself a favor, cut the shit.
- Okay?
- I'm not. It's the truth.
- I got a blackmail deal going in school...
- Blackmail?
What are we, a buck ten?
You're doing blackmail on people?
Yeah. I needed some big money fast.
I was desperate.
I wanted to get out of here.
- Desperate about what?
- Let's see.
I got two years, four months
left in military school.
My parents hate each other. My
father records every mistake in my life...
like he's preparing for my parole hearing.
I don't get to do anything by myself.
And I live in the suburbs.
You figure it out.
So where you gonna go?
Huh?
I don't know.
Where do you go?
Where do I go?
Well...
[Clears Throat]
I usually end up in Jamaica with
this friend of mine, Jimmy Marlo.
He steals appliances
off of trucks.
We get the money back
from the fence...
which is about half what
the stuff s really worth...
spend all the money, come home,
start all over again.
'Course, this time was supposed
to be the big final score.
You know,
the big retirement score.
Why you quitting now?
You got a great life.
Let me explain
something to ya, kid.
What I do, runnin' around
stealin' shit...
that may sound great
when you're years old...
but it sucks just a little bit
when you're ...
no family, no house.
I got a partner who's .
He's an alcoholic.
He still can't figure out why
they took Happy Days off the air.
Then on TV every day,
I see kids like you on these talk shows.
You got everything,
opportunities up the ass.
You got a family to come home to,
and what do you do?
You bitch and moan because
things don't go your way.
Well, you know what? Welcome to
the real world, where most of the time...
things don't go
your fuckin' way.
Easy for you to say.
Everything goes your way.
Great. You know what?
I think I had you
pegged wrong.
I don't think you have a brain
in your fuckin' head.
Merry Christmas.
Now, we don't have much time.
Rules of the house.
No telephone except for the kitchen.
No television.
Nobody on the second foor,
in case your son makes noise.
I want you in front of me
at all times.
No arguing. When you fight,
you forget everything else.
Just behave and pay attention,
or I take your son with me.
Now, tell me
about this doctor guy.
I received a call from Will Warren,
the county prosecutor.
Happens to be
a close friend of mine.
In spite of your bungling,
he's confident they'll find our thief...
in those house-to-house
searches during curfew.
Another thing. He said, uh, your men
are to assist and report to me...
as per his instructions.
You can call if you'd like.
Um, let's see, one other thing...
Oh, yes, your Christmas
wish came true.
[Laughing] You're to be out of here
the day after Christmas.
Isn't that a lovely Noel?
It's been swell.
- Bob.
- Yes.
- I nailed your wife.
- What?
After the town meeting
last August.
You were in Rhode Island
on business.
Three times, Bob.
She said you never
went three times, Bob.
[Knocking]
- Merry Christmas, Lloyd!
- Phil, Steve, merry Christmas.
- Are you guys working tonight?
- Mm-hmm.
They're starting that curfew tonight,
and this is our area.
Thought we might
say hi to Gary.
- Is he here yet?
- Gary.
- Who's Gary?
- He's my brother-in-law.
- They all grew up together.
- Great.
- Is that Caroline? I'd love to say hello!
- I'd love to see Caroline.
- You know, your wife?
- Of course it is. What am I doing?
She's upstairs. She's chang...
You want a cup of coffee?
- Come on in. In the kitchen.
- Oh, yeah.
- Maybe a piece
of pumpkin pie or something?
- Oh, uh...
- [Lloyd] Were you guys here last year?
- Yeah, there was a rum cake.
- You guys make great coffee.
- Yeah, it was fantastic.
You guys help yourselves.
I'll go get Caroline, so...
- Unh!
- What is wrong with you?
- It would have caused suspicion to say no.
- You never admit you're wrong.
- Finally somebody says it besides me.
- There was no alternative.
I could have been
in the shower.
- She could have been wrapping presents.
- What is this, a lying seminar?
- You made a noise. I was distracted.
- He was distracted.
[Grunting]
[Steve] No, I'm not buying wine
for your brother.
He can suck on a grape,
Marge. Forget it.
[Marge]
What about the breakfast?
- Okay, I'll get the milk and the doughnuts.
- There you go.
Mm-hmm. Ye... Marge, hold on.
They got another call comin' in.
Yes, I'll talk
to you later. Hello.
Uh, Gussie?
No, this is Lt. Milford.
To whom am I speaking?
- Uh...
- Ooh, he hung up.
- [Phil] Who was it?
- I don't know. Hung up.
- Probably a wrong number.
- Crank call.
- Yeah, kids.
- That's it.
- So... ooh, it's late.
- When do you think Gar
might be gettin' here?
Well, maybe what you should do
is go and, um...
when Gary comes, I'll get him
to call you at the office.
- Because Christmas Eve,
you're so busy, and l...
- [Phone Rings]
Oh, I'll get it. That's it.
Thank you. Hello?
Hello. Uh,
are you feeling better?
Who gives a rat's ass
how I feel? Where's Gussie?
I'll get him.
Back in a minute.
I can't believe
I'm working tonight.
I know. Some guy robbin'
people on Christmas Eve?
It's not right.
It's not right.
We'll get him though. We got every cop
and his brother lookin'for him.
- Christmas Eve, it's...
- Murray.
- He hung up.
- Well, he sounded upset.
He should be. He's gonna die
a horrible fuckin' death.
[Connie] Caroline.!
Oh! Speaking of which...
[Sighs] So, Gary and Connie
and the kids.
- [Gary, Connie] Merry Christmas.
- Gar!
- Steve.! Phil.!
- Oh, merry Christmas, Gar.!
Mom?
Merry Christmas.
Mom, the TV's broke.
What are we gonna do all night?
- I can't believe this.
- Celebrate the birth of Christ!
- Now, put the presents under the tree.
- Connie, honey...
- Look who dropped by.
- [Both] Merry Christmas, Connie.
- [Chuckling]
- I'll take that bag upstairs.
[Mother] I'll take it.
I want to change my shoes.
- Mom, hi.
- Lloyd, who is this?
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. Who is this?
[Lloyd] This is the doctor
we were telling you about.
Doctor... Wong.
Ah, the marriage doctor.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Wong?
You're a Wong?
- Well, my mother was Irish.
- And your father?
- Wasn't.
- Why don't we go downstairs?
- I want to change my shoes.
- [Lloyd] Your shoes are lovely.
- My feet hurt.
- Take 'em off. Go barefoot.
- A Bohemian Christmas! I'm up for that!
- What the hell...
is wrong with you? Why do you get
strange at family gatherings?
It's not me, Mom.
It's Caroline.
She's a little nervous
about the dinner.
Maybe you could go tell her what
you think. You know, give her a hand.
You know what
a bad cook she is.
Oh. All right.
- Aren't you going to take my bag up?
- Later.
- Well, I'll take it.
- No, no. I'll go, I'll go.
I just wanted to be
close to you.
He, uh...
he loves you so very much.
[Phone Ringing]
Caroline, could you
come up here for a minute?
- I thought you needed help.
- Yes, well, everything's
in the dining room...
Why don't you light the candles?
That'd be good.
- Bitch.
- Bitch.
[Ringing]
- Hello?
- Where's Gus?
- Murray?
- How do I know this is Gussie?
Because the next time I see you
I'm gonna tear all the hair
out of your balls one by one...
you fucking mule.
How's that?
- [Murray Laughing] Kid, I got good news.
- Yeah?
- A friend of mine's got a boat.
- A friend?
Nobody likes you.
What are you talking about, "friend"?
It's somebody I just met, and we kind of
hit it off. I think she really likes me.
She? She? Murray, I've been
in this house all night...
wondering if I'm gonna get busted
or not and you've been fuckin' dating?
- Is that it, Murray?
- Calm down. It's the best I could do.
- Listen, she's a nice woman.
And she's just...
- [Gus Laughing]
- Skipped parole from New Jersey.
- An ex-con?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's great. That's just great.
- How do you know
she's not gonna turn us in?
- She wouldn't.
She can't afford to.
If she did, she'd be back in
the slammer before she knew it.
Honest.
She's legit.
But there's just one
little problem.
- What? Children?
- No.
The boat needs...
a little work.
[Laughing]
[Snorts, Sighs]
[Laughing]
[Sighing, Sniffs]
[Chuckling]
[Inhales, Sighs]
Hello?
Hello.
- How long?
- Hour, hour and a half.
- Hour.
- Okay.
- You have an hour. Okay.
- Hour.
- Bye-bye.
- All right, bye-bye.
- Last check. Three or four minutes away.
- Proceed to the next house.
Isn't this exciting? I'm sure glad I got
a chance to see Santa while he was here.
[Chuckling] And Santa
would like to toast you all...
for answering
the call of duty...
on the holiest of nights.
Everyone, grab a glass.
You too. Grab a glass.
Come on, come on. Grab a glass.
- Everyone, come on.
- Santa doesn't drink champagne.
Santa drinks milk.
Look, Santa can't drink
any more milk tonight.
Santa has a lactose
intolerance.
It gives him
horrible gas pains.
You want to see Santa farting
down everyone's chimney?
[Santa Laughing]
Merry Christmas.!
[Others]
Merry Christmas.
Ah!
[Caroline]
What we're having...
is a traditional
Scandinavian Christmas feast.
We have roast suckling pig...
fresh baked kringlors
with a honey pecan dipping sauce...
seven-day-old lutefisk
and lamb gookins.
What you're wearing on your heads
are called Lucia wreaths.
They're worn in honor
of Saint Lucia...
a brave and noble woman
I admire very much.
A woman whose beliefs
were so strong...
they rendered
her infammable.
As the story goes...
Lucia was engaged
to be married...
and instead of giving her dowry
to her in-laws...
she gave it to the poor people
of the village.
Her husband-to-be, thinking
she was out ofher mind...
betrayed her to the Romans
as a Christian...
and they condemned her
to burn at the stake.
But although she was
surrounded by fames...
she would not burn.
And they had to stab her
with a sword.
My God. Is this
a Christmas story?
Who cares.
My forehead is blistering.
- I think it's cool, Aunt Caroline.
- Thank you.
Okay, dig in, everybody.
Don't be shy.
- Everything looks great, honey.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
[Clears Throat
To Disguise Spitting]
From what school are you trained,
Dr. Wong? Freud?
- Uh, nah. I don't go in
for that dream stuff.
- Really?
You don't think patients should
examine their dreams?
Well, I just don't think they should
bother other people with them.
I mean, what kind of a loser actually
thinks anybody else is interested?
You must have met a great many
strange and disturbed people.
My line of work,
you meet some real wackos.
You call your patients
"wackos"?
Yeah, they...
they like it.
Well, it seems that
this therapy is working.
I've never seen these two
so agreeable together.
- What the hell am I eating?
- Oh, that's a parsnip kringlor.
- They date back to the fourth century.
- That's what it looks like.
- [Mother] Where's your son?
- Uh, he's spending the night
with a friend.
- On Christmas Eve?
- I think it's very strange.
- Well...
- Well, he...
Uh, actually,
that was, uh, my idea.
Because, uh, when one
is constructing...
highways of communication...
between two people, it's
sometimes a good idea to, uh...
clear the road and slowly
introduce exit signs.
That's funny.
I heard something
very similar on Oprah last week.
I assume that as you've built...
highways of communication...
you have discussed
Caroline's adultery.
What?
You told your mother?
[Mother] And why not?
He was very upset...
and he needed someone
he could trust to talk to.
Tell me something,
in your professional opinion...
- Should these two be married?
- Mother.
[Gus]
Caroline.
Is that part of the treatment too?
She can't leave?
Yes, Dr. Wong, why don't you
tell us all about your treatment.
In detail.
It'll be so... fascinating.
[Chuckles]
Well, it's a, uh...
complex web...
[Clears Throat]
of complications...
which, uh,
need to be weaved...
and, uh, woven
into a, uh, quilt...
of some kind.
[Sighs]
It's really expensive treatment.
I can tell you that much.
Costs a hell of a lot of money.
Mmm, these lamb coosins
are great, sweetheart.
They're gookins,
not coosins, honey.
[Mother]
Where I was born, Dr. Wong...
life and marriage
was less complicated.
My marriage was arranged,
in fact.
My husband lived
in the next town...
and our parents
wanted to join farms.
Really.
What kind of farms?
Pigs.
Caroline,
could I have the wine?
It's all finished.
We have to get another bottle.
[Mother]
Where are you all going?
I gotta stay with them
to, uh, weave the, uh...
Uh... ow!
Just shut up and eat
your goddamn dinners.
You won't talk about it in therapy,
but you'll discuss it behind my back...
- With that bitch!
- Hey, she's my mother.
- She's a fuckin' bitch, Lloyd.
- You are not supposed to take sides.
No, no, no. Thank you so much, Gus.
Finally somebody else sees.
- You'd have to be blind not to see.
- All right, all right.
- Let's just get in there
and change the subject.
- Oh, fine.
Why didn't we just change the subject
before I was humiliated?
That's it, Lloyd.
We are getting a divorce.
I've, you know...
This is finished.
Now get the hell home, George,
before we call your wife.
Honestly, George.
What an example.
Santa was
mean to me.
- I'm serious, George.
- Yeah?
Maybe Santa won't
come back next year.
Maybe him
and the Easter Bunny...
will take a fuckin' cruise
toJamaica...
and you can eat
your own lousy cookies.
[Unzips Fly]
[Urinating,
Sighing]
Oh, who the hell knows,
huh? Ow!
I was pregnant
with Jesse then.
We lived
in the most... wonderful...
one-bedroom
apartment.
You see, Lloyd...
never took any money
from his family then.
I found that
so attractive.
And then what happened?
Don't encourage her, Mary.
No one wants to listen to her misery.
Lloyd was working as an assistant
banquet manager at the Sheraton.
[Chuckles]
- We'd make love in the mornings
because he was, you know...
- Caroline...
why don't you
eat something.
Lloyd, why don't you eat me.
- [Gasps]
- Kids, go into the den.
- It all turned to shit...
- [Connie] This is not
a conversation for children.
- It's not a conversation for adults either.
- When Lloyd's father died.
- Where you going?
- The living room,
to leave you to your quilting.
- [Caroline]
She bribed Lloyd to move back...
- I'll be there to open presents.
If my plans change,
I'll contact you.
- I hate Connecticut.
I grew up in Connecticut.
- Why don't we all...
go into the living room. Then we can
have our coffee and dessert in there.
- You phony bastard!
- Caroline, shut up.!
- Let's all go to the bathroom...
- Sit down, Connie. Sit.
Excuse me, but I am not
one of your patients.
You're gonna be somebody's
patient if you don't get your
ass back down into that chair.
Wow. Ow!
I swear to God,
you hit that kid one more time...
and I'm gonna stick that
pig's head right up your ass!
Gary, are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?
- Well, hon, he is a doctor.
- [Laughing]
Okay now, Caroline, Lloyd
and I will go into the kitchen
and get the coffee and dessert.
- And then we're gonna open the presents.
- We can't open...
- Presents until midnight.
- Why not?
- Because it's not Christmas until midnight!
- Guess what.
We're changing the rules a little bit, okay?
We're gonna open up the presents now.
Not later, now. Why?
Because we're adults...
and we can open the presents
whenever we want!
- [Snickering]
- Let's go.
- [Caroline Groaning]
- [Mother] Why isn't my portrait...
over the fiireplace?
- Have some coffee.
- Go to hell, mama's boy!
- Caroline, get a grip.
- Or what? What are you
gonna do? Shoot me?
[Laughing]
You think death scares me?
You forget, buddy. I have been
married to him for years.
You forget
I have your son upstairs.
[Sighs]
God.
[Sighs]
- Here we go.
How's that, Mom? Good?
- Mary, this one's yours.
John, this is to you
from me and Dad.
- What's that, Aunt Caroline?
- It's an orange...
marzipan cake with
creme de menthe and lime zest.
- Oh, sounds too sweet.
- Then don't eat it.
Coffee?
Is it real coffee or some
Scandinavian Christmas potion?
- How about some music?
- How about some Nat King Cole?
- Oh, Gary loves Nat King Cole.
- [Caroline] Gee, you know
each other so well.
Okay, Nat King Cole it is.
- Oh. Gary, this is for you.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh. This is forJesse.
Uh, we'll just put that
in a pile right over here.
Do you like it, Mary?
Chestnuts roasting
on an open fiire
Yeah, it's, uh...
real neat.
Slipper socks!
Oh, I have wanted these for so long.
Thank you, Mother Rose.
Kids, look what Mom got.
[Quietly] You know, with all
her money, what does she think?
She's gonna take it with her?
- I think that's the plan.
- Folks dressed up like Eskimos
Oh, Caroline,
this is for you from Lloyd.
- Everybody knows
- [Cracks A Nut]
- A turkey and some mistletoe
- Lloyd?
Should I stop handing out
the presents?
Maybe some of us
are not in the mood?
Caroline?
You see, Dr. Wong, you can use
any treatment you like...
and it won't do a bit of good.
The simple truth is...
that she's a nasty, selfish woman
who thinks only of herself.
She has ruined my son's life.
I can attest to that.
- He has endured such heartache.
- Lady...
why don't you just sleep with him.
Let us all off the hook.
- Shit.
- [Lloyd] Caroline, what are you doing?
What's the point?
You've made your decision.
What decision?
Caroline's leaving me.
We're getting
a divorce.
And so I'm offering
- This simple phrase
- Why?
To kids from one...
- Gary, this is to you from me.
- Thank you, bunny.
- Oh, thanks, Mother Rose.
- I bought you the husky size, John.
You mustn't let your weight
become a problem.
He does not have
a weight problem.
Oh. Isn't that nice.
Thank you, Connie and Gary
and Mary and John.
[Whispering]
Mom, this is our gift.
It's to put in the bank.
It's another payment on the loan.
Oh, thank you, Lloyd.
Of course, we'll have to see
what happens with interest rates
in the new year.
Cocksucker.
- What did she say?
- She said, "cocksu..."
you've been sucking us dry
for years on this loan.
- Hey, Caroline.
- No, I have something to say.
- You gotta problem with that?
- Nope.
Don't you think
it's gone on long enough?
You both borrowed money to open
that ridiculous restaurant...
which I told you both
would never work.
Well, it might have worked if you could
have taken your tentacles off of him.
- Caroline, stop it.
- If you remember, Caroline...
my husband had just died.
I was all alone.
- And I had to have surgery.
- Plastic surgery.
- It was necessary.
- It was nothing more...
than needing to keep
your son's attention on you.
- Manipulating him to open that store!
- You were practically destitute.!
I gave him a real job.
I let you use my home
out of the goodness of my heart.
You're charging us rent, Rose.
- What kind of therapy is this?
- Come on, now...
this is getting
a little ugly here.
Yeah, we walk around
on tiptoes because...
Mother might get upset
or Mother might get angry.
And why?
Let's be honest.
She has money, and she holds it over
all of us like a death sentence.
I'm happy to give
my children everything.
That's the problem!
One son who can't
say boo to his wife...
and the other one, the other one...
he just gives up.
One bad review
in one lousy magazine.
- You just give up.
- Now just a minute. Stop right there.
In the first place, it wasn't
"one bad review in one lousy magazine."
- It was the
Restaurant Guidebook of New York.
- Oh, God.
And when the Restaurant
Guidebook recommends you...
to Hindus looking for
a fun night out of fasting...
what did you expect me to do,
change the menu?
- You close the restaurant.
- No, you close the restaurant.
Other people try again.
But, you see, everything always
came so damn easy for you.
But the first time that
you tried something...
that was really important
to you, to us...
and it didn't work out,
what did you do?
You ran home to Mom.
And then you build this wall...
around yourself, shutting me out,
shutting Jesse out...
with your cynicism
and your derision!
And you call that
being responsible!
Well, I can't live like this.
I don't care if I wind up...
a truck stop waitress with platinum
hair and pineapple earrings!
At least I'd be alive. Be better
than living with a corpse.
Before you, uh, get on with
your career in the service industry...
let's set the record straight.
Because I don't want you leaving
with any misunderstandings.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I was afraid.
Maybe I can't...
take failure.
That's probably true.
And maybe it's because
the decision was all up to me.
It was always all up to me.
You were so afraid of being wrong,
you never made a choice.
- At least you made it look that way.
- What does that mean?
If you recall,
my first response to my mother's
offer to live here was absolutely not.
- Lie.
- Absolutely not. You think about it.
We were sitting in our bedroom
on th Street.
We were smoking a joint
and listening to Al Green.
- And I said, "Absolutely not."
- [Connie] I'm sorry...
but I have had enough!
I have never heard
of such a Christmas.!
Sex and drugs a-a-and
women being set on fire!
- I am taking my children upstairs right now.
- Connie, that's it.
- Sit down and shut up. Okay?
Sit down and shut up.
- Come on, kids...
- We're going upstairs. Gary?
- I think this is more important.
- Well, I think this is sick!
- Connie, honey, right now
nobody cares what you think.
- You have not defended me
once this entire evening!
- Tell her to sit down.
[All Arguing]
Just sit down and
give these people...
a little space
to work out their...
- Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me!
- [Glass Shattering]
- If you don't mind,
the corpse still has the foor.
- [Poker Hits Floor]
I told you what moving here
could mean, but you were the one
who said we should consider it.
Not the actual moving,
just the considering.
The actual moving-in part
was left to me. Why?
Because you didn't know what to do.
You were confused.
You didn't know what
was the right thing.
But you were sure as hell
sick and tired ofliving...
in a one-bedroom apartment
in New York City.
So don't hand me that
"it was the best of times" bullshit!
You didn't want to work anymore, and
you didn't want any help with the baby...
because you wanted
to do it all by yourself.
And you hated New York...
because we weren't as rich as your
college friends were to enjoy it.
We couldn't afford
a bigger place...
and you were miserable
being around people who could.
And... we were
up to our ears in debt.
But moving here
was my decision.
Right! And the loan
was same situation...
What difference does any of this
make now? You're getting a divorce.
- Mother.
- What?
Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up
for ten seconds?
Lloyd, don't talk to me
like that in my own house.
You know what, Mom? You know what
I'm gonna get you next Christmas?
A big wooden cross.
So every time you feel unappreciated
for all your sacrifices...
you can climb on up
and nail yourself to it.
Gary, get my bags.
- I'm leaving.
- [Connie] Oh.!
Go get them yourself.
He's not your errand boy!
Has everyone gone nuts?
Who the hell do you think you are?
Slipper socks, medium!
- [Doorbell Rings]
- Hey!
The army? What the fuck?
What am I? Oswald, here?
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, no.
Hey, come on.
Come on, will ya?
Ooh!
- [Muffed Grunting]
- Okay, okay.
- Is this part of the therapy?
- [Doorbell Rings]
Now, I want everybody into the den
or I'm gonna shoot her.
- Go ahead, shoot her.
- Shut up!
Get in the den!
[Growling]
[Doorbell Rings]
[Caroline]
Hi.
[Man] Mr. And Mrs. Chasseur, I'm sorry
to disturb you during the holidays.
I'm Lieutenant Siskel
from the academy.
Is there some trouble?
Yes, yes, and I couldn't in good
conscience let it wait any longer.
[Lloyd]
Does it involveJesse?
[Siskel] It does.
Uh, Jesse is a very clever...
and enterprising
young businessman.
He currently has
several photographs of me.
- [Lloyd] Oh, my Lord.
- [Groaning]
Hey, hey, kid.
Kid, that's enough.
- You sure this will hold?
- Yeah.
- [Chuckles]
- I knew...
you weren't a doctor.
I knew it.
You'll never get away, you know.
You'll either be captured or killed.
One less worthless man around.
One less burden to society.
Un-fuckin'-believable.
I've survived
worse than you.
World wars, old age,
marriage and weak men like you.
Men who don't have the guts
to survive in the real world.
Men who are just scared little boys
intimidating everyone
with their aggressiveness...
because they're afraid
the world will find out...
how small their penises are.
You know, lady, I'd like to tie you
to the back of a fuckin' truck.
You don't have the balls.
- No, no! Don't. It's not worth it.
- I just want to hit her.
- I fuckin' hate her, Lloyd.
- I know. I know.
Mary,
gag your grandma.
- [Whimpers]
- [Gus] What the fuck is wrong with you?
I thought moms were
supposed to be nice...
and sweet
an-an-and patient.
I know loan sharks that are
more forgiving than you.
Your husband ain't dead,
lady, he's hiding.
[Thumping Upstairs]
Let's go.
Shit.
- Wow.
- Oh, honey.
Is Siskel still here?
[Lloyd]
No.
What are you gonna do, Dad?
Turn me in?
May I ask you
just one question?
Is there something that we don't give you?
What do you need all that money for?
- Drugs? What?
- No!
- More video games?
What more can we buy you?
- Lloyd, no, stop it!
That's it, that's it.
- Gus, I'm going with you.
I'll give you a cut.
- What?
We can make it to the docks on foot.
We can take a shortcut.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, slow down.
You gotta take me with you.
I have no other option.
- I can't stay here.
- What am I? The fuckin' circus?
Take you with me?
- But come on!
- No, forget it. Forget it.
Just forget it,
okay?
Don't start running, kid.
Once you start, you never stop.
Believe me.
Fine.
Fine, be that way.
I'll just go
by myself then.
Oh, please, Jesse, look.
Give us another...
- Oh, Jesse. We screwed up, not you. Oh!
- [Doorbell Rings]
[Sighs]
Shit. Who is that?
Look, I promise you,
we'll take care of this.
We'll fix everything.
No matter what happens
between me and your father...
- You're splitting up?
- That's not your problem, honey.
Hey, I'm in this family too,
you know.
Every time you guys yell and scream
at each other, it is my problem, Mom.
- Caroline, let's go.
- One second.
Okay, a lot's happened
between me and Lloyd.
We've made a lot of mistakes.
You got caught in the middle.
Do you hate each other?
[Doorbell
Continues Ringing]
- No.
- Then you're staying together.
- Caroline, come on. Let's go.
- Oh, just wait! Please!
I don't know. I don't know
what your father wants.
What do you want?
Caroline.
Caroline, come on.
We'll talk about this later, okay?
Just stay here, please.
- We'll be back soon.
- What about Siskel?
We'll fix it, honey. We'll give him
the money, the photos, anything.
Just... stay right there.
Hey!
You know something?
Lloyd, Caroline...
- Every year we give you
a fruitcake for Christmas...
- Didn't you lock the door?
And you don't give us
a goddamn thing.
My wife thinks
it's because...
Hey, you had a gun,
didn't you?
- Me?
- Yes, you did. You did.
- You had a gun. I saw it.
- No.
- Hey, you're the guy.
You're the guy, aren't ya?
- Okay, pal.
What, are you pulling a gun on me?
I'm not afraid of you.
- Just calm down, all right?
- You think you can take me?
I'm Santa Claus.
[Shouting]
- [Gasping]
- [Santa Hits Floor]
Great.
I just beat up Santa Claus.
[Siren Wailing]
Guys, the cops are here.
What are we gonna do?
Central, Cruiser .
Panella speaking.
I'm at the Chasseur house.
Over.
- We gotta get you outta here.
- But I can't just leave.
I don't know where I'm goin'.
Just keep pretending like you're
Dr. Wong. Then you don't have to go.
- There's five people tied up
in the back room. Come on.
- Then we can hide you.
- We can hide you anywhere.
I know this place.
- There's search teams.
They search until they find what
they're looking for. It's a bad idea.
No, it's a good idea. There's the mudroom,
the trap door in the mudroom.
- We'll put you in there. It'll be perfect.
- No, no, no.
- Or the trunk of the Beamer.
The trunk of the Beamer's a good place.
- No, no.
- [Siren Wailing]
- Oh, I know. The hope chest.!
We'll put you in the hope chest.
- I can pretend I've lost the key.
- Forget about it! No, no, no!
[Gus]
What about the basement?
Is there a tunnel or a hole?
Path through the woods!
Jesse, quick, take Gus
to the path through the woods.
You said you know a shortcut
to the docks, right?
You're the only one
that can take him.
Well, what do you want
us to do? Turn him in?
I can't spend my whole life sending
everybody I care about to prison.
Go on.
Okay, Dad. Come on, Gus.
Let's get outta here.
[Lloyd]
And be careful.
- All right, go, go, go. We'll stall the cops.
- [George Groaning]
If I were a senator...
[Groaning]
- How many more after this?
- Sixteen.
- Geez.
- we're over at Seabury Court. Over.
- dispatch.
- Yeah, we're starting canvassing...
[Knocking]
State police!
There's got to be someone
home with all these lights
and that car in the driveway.
Ah, geez.
We got a live one.
I need some people to surround
this house right now.
Eddie, get your men in here!
Hit it!
[Muffed Talking]
Oh, my God! Thank God you're here!
You've got to hurry!
- You have no idea the nightmare
I've been through!
- He left an hour ago.
- He went to an airport in Hartfo...
Would you shut up?
- The entire night...
I'm trying to give them
important information. He went
to an airport in Hartford.
Oh, I suppose you're the only one
who's been tied up all night.
- I didn't say that.
- What is this? A men's club?
Excuse me.! Are there any other
hostages in the house?
- No.
- No.
- Oh, kid. Ah, Jesus.
- Come on, Gus.
There's no better route
than this with less snow?
No, this is it.
This is the best route.
- This is the best route?
- We'll be there in no time. Come on!
I might need a wheelchair,
I'm telling you, kid.
I distinctly heard him say that he was
headed to a small airport in Hartford.
And from there he was taking
a private plane to Vancouver.
- [Caroline] No, no, it was not Vancouver.
- What's going on?
- [Lloyd] Yes, it was Vancouver.
- We're working on it.
- He was on the phone,
and he said Yugoslavia.
- Yugoslavia.!
There is no Yugoslavia anymore.
And who in their right mind
would go there?
- He's not in his right mind!
- All right!
- Oh, uh, sorry.
- Sorry.
Would you like us to come downtown
and give our statement?
- [Both] No!
- We'd be willing to do that.
- No, no, no, no.
- Thanks anyway. Hey, merry Christmas.
- Thank you. Merry Christmas.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh. Well, if you're sure.
- Bye. Bye-bye.
- Good night, everybody.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- [Jesse] Docks are down
the street on your left.
- [Siren Blares]
Hey, George! The curfew!
Go home! Get off the streets!
Home, George,
home.
Guess I ought to be
getting home now.
Good idea.
You know, I think things are
gonna be different with Dad.
If they're not, I'll blackmail him.
See ya, Gus.
Take it easy.
Christ.
I'm never having kids.
So do you think
we should go untie everybody?
No. We should unwrap them
in the morning.
- It'll be more festive.
- [Laughing]
So what aboutJesse?
Well, Siskel said if we give him back
the pictures he won't press charges.
No, no, l, um...
I mean about us.
What do we tell him
about us?
Oh, Carrie.
Sorry, but Grandma's
eating through her gag.
You know something?
You are a piece of work, pal.
I tell you to get a boat, and this is what
you get? Get out of the fuckin' way.
- Uh, Gussie?
- What?
- When are we gonna open presents?
- Presents?
Is that what you said?
Presents? I'll tell you what.
As soon as we get back,
we're gonna open the presents.
Matter of fact, I'll tell ya.
I'll save you the trouble. Your present
is a giant, fuckin' cannon, okay?
And when we get back, you're
gonna crawl into it, okay?
I'm gonna put two pounds of gunpowder
in there, I'm gonna light it up...
and I'm gonna shoot you right
out into fuckin'Jersey, okay?
And then I'm gonna steal a car
and drive toJersey and pick up
all the little fuckin' pieces...
of your body, put 'em in a big plastic
bag, bring it back to my house...
put 'em in the fireplace,
light 'em on fire. I'm gonna sit
there with a glass of whiskey...
and watch the Charlie Brown special
with your ashes heatin'
my fuckin' house! Oh!
- [Sniffing] Gus?
- What?
- What's that smell?
- Shut up.
Life keeps me waiting
Against my will
Believe it or not
I know my own mind
Don't got no spark
Don't got no will
I'm weary
Nothing holds me
Eternally seeking
Through the windows of pain
Don't got no spark
Don't got no will
I'm weary
Don't have the answer
Why
Can't we get our lives together
How
Can we stop hurting each other
Pray
To God that you can go
Stay
Outside this broken circle
Losing your
Dreams
We all must sacrifiice
We pay the price
We pay the price
Ashes to ashes
We all fall down
It's time for us to close this circle
Can we get up off of the ground
Why
Can't we get our lives together
And how
Can we start to make it better
Loving you is killing me
Loving you is killing me
Loving you is killing me
Loving you is killing me
Live
The other life we should have lived
Give
All the love we never, ever did
Dreams
We all must sacrifiice
Ashes to ashes
Why
Can't we get our lives together
And how
Can we stop hurting