Return Of The Pink Panther Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Return Of The Pink Panther script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Blake Edwards movie with Peter Sellers.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Return Of The Pink Panther. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Return Of The Pink Panther Script



So he wants to cut it off, just like that?



- He doesn't think you can handle it.

- The arrangements have been concluded.



I gave them my word

because he gave me his word.



- So you tell me why.

- Hey, you know why.



You're not strong any more.



You lost control.



Now, you tell him this:

nothing has changed.



We've had a few setbacks.

That's to be expected in any business.



But I am still in charge,

and I am still strong.



Make no mistake.



You tell him he had better keep his word.



Tell him the   th, as agreed.



Iíll send him a sign, a little demonstration,



to prove that Iím still strong.



- Good afternoon, Mr Douvier.

- Good afternoon, Simone.



- Any calls?

- On your desk.



- What's this ''Dr Herb called''?

- Your yearly checkup. Tuesday at  .  .



- Is New York gonna call back?

- Mm-hm. Between five and six.



- Everybody else here?

- Yes, in the boardroom.



Well, l don't think

we should keep them waiting any longer.



- Will l see you tonight?

- Of course, Miss Legree.



Gentlemen, we have a problem.

The Gannet transaction is in jeopardy



because New York feels l no longer

have the power to control the situation.



So l have sent word



that l will give them

a demonstration, a sign,



to show that l am still in control.



That France is still a viable territory.



What I want from you are suggestions.



- I have an idea.

- All right.



Would you ask your secretary

to bring in the morning paper?



- Bring in the morning paper, please.

- Right away, sir.



Who's the most important man in France?

Present company excluded, of course.



Thank you, Miss Legree.

The president, I suppose.



No, for our purpose. A man New York

knows better than the president of France.



A man with which our entire

world organisation is familiar,



and would like nothing better

than to see him out of the way.






Who has given us nothing but trouble

for the past ten years?



Who has survived

   assassination attempts,



including two by his own boss?






You want to impress New York?

Eliminate Clouseau.



We'll have every cop in France

down on our necks.



Not if we do it smart.



There is a rumour

that he is really a complete imbecile.



- Iíve heard that.

- Yet he continues to survive.



I have it on good authority

that he is anything but an imbecile.



That he only plays the fool.



In any case, it is too dangerous.



Can you do it smart?






Then do it.



( tenor sings on scratchy record)






Inspector Clouseau!

My dear Chief Inspector Clouseau!



How we have missed you!

How we have missed you!



Your disguise is ready for the final fitting.

I think you'll be very pleased.



Cunny! Quick, quick!

Inspector Clouseau is here!



- You have some very interesting noses...

- l will model them for you!



Get on with it, get on with it!

l will bring you one right away.



There were some on the left there.



Ah, the final fitting.



I call this one ''Wino and Roses''.






Even though l say so myself,

this is no small feat.



Now you can work the Left Bank

and Montmartre with anonymity.



Yes, the old anonymity ploy.



That's it! That's it!

You can do it, Inspector!



- Chief Inspector.

- You can walk, Chief Inspector!



You can walk!



Yes! Yes!



You are a genius, Balls!



l can! l can walk!



Thank heavens



For little girls



They keep on getting smaller every day



Thank heavens



For little girls



They grow down in a most pecu...






A special delivery.



Thank you.



Iím sorry, Iím a little short.



Forget it.



(car engine starts)



(car speeds off)



Special delivery. A beum.

Were you expecting one?



A beum?!















- Right.

- What's the matter?



The bomb destroyed half the block,

and Clouseau survived.



I am certain, sir,

that the beum was intended for me.



- Beum?

- What?



- You said ''beum''.

- Yes, yes.



Fortunately Professor Balls took refuge

behind a shipment of inflatable goitres



which cushioned the explosion.



- Inflatable goitres?

- Yes. His Valentine's Day collection.






- It's amazing that you survived.

- Yes, sir.



I must apprehend this mad beumer

before he does any more of the damage.



- Or she.

- Or she?



A man dressed as a woman.



Four armed robberies in three weeks.



Two victims were assaulted,

and grappled with the robber.



Both victims said the robber

was much too strong to be a woman.



Three years ago, we sent to prison

a man named Claude Russo.



Russo committed robberies

disguised as a woman.



Well, sir, l must be off

to apprehend this... this mad beumer now.



Remember, it just could be Russo.



Yes. It just could be Russo, yes.



- Yes, l just said that.

- Yes, I know that. Yes, sir.



Well, sir, until we meet again,

and the case is solved.



Au revoir, Hercule.






(alarm bell)



You may not have seen these gentlemen

before, but they have worked for you.



And needless to say,

they are specialists, the best in France.



And you expect them

to take care of Clouseau?



Oh, no. They've been contracted

to eliminate Mr Chong.



Who the hell is Mr Chong?



Mr Chong?



Mr Chong was recommended

by Hong Kong.



Gentlemen, fulfil your contract.









Why don't you get out of those wet

clothes? You could catch pneumonia.



Yes, I know that.

I will do as soon as I get home,



provided that idiot Cato

does not attack me first.



- Why don't you just tell him not to?

- Believe me, it's not that easy.



l have given him instructions to attack me

wherever and whenever possible,



and it has now become a matter of pride

with him to try to outsmart me.



l guarantee that at this very minute,

his fiendish little yellow brain



is plotting some new ambush.






- Gesundheit.

- Yes, I know that, I know that.












(plays discordant notes)



Pay attention!

This is your employer speaking!



I am cancelling

the attack orders for tonight!



You understand?



I know that I told you to show no mercy,



and to attack, and to pay

no attention to what I say!



But tonight...



(karate yell)



But tonight,



I am ordering you to pay attention!



You will not attack, Cato!



(blows bugle)



Shut up that row!



I am trying to save my life, madam!



Obviously the little yellow swine

is not paying attention.



(feeble karate yell)









(imitates sawing)



Itís a very substantial building.

We're doing a great deal to it.



Iím sure you'll find it

very peaceful, and quite delightful.



(Cato yells)



A-ha! Ha-ha!









Chief Inspector Clouseau's residence.



- (Douvier) Clouseau?

- One moment, please.



For you.



(woman shrieks)



What on earth is going on?



Excuse me, madame and messieurs.



- I beg your pardon. I am so sorry.

- Itís still for you, Inspector.



Chief Inspector.



Pardon me, I am needed on the telephone.



Hello? This is Chief Inspector Clouseau

speaking on the phone.



Now listen to me carefully, Clouseau.



lf you wanna catch the French

Connection meet me tonight at    o'clock,



in the Bois de Boulogne,

near the Grande Cascade.



- And come alone.

- (click)



That's so obvious.

He's bound to think it's a trap.



Yes, or it's so obvious that

he's bound to think it can't be a trap.



Itís so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.



That is why you will never be

a great detective, Cato.



Itís so obvious,

it could not possibly be a trap.



Now, Cato, warm up the Silver Hornet.



Cato, l very much suspect that

the Hornet is overdue for a service.



So if you don't mind,

Iíll use your car tonight.



(sounds horn)



He's driving a white Peugeot.

Licence number is...



By any chance,

are you going to Fontainebleau?



- Well, l...

- Wonderful!



How lucky can a girl get?

You're an absolute darling.



- Itís green.

- It is?



The traffic light.






Generally speaking, it's dangerous for a

beautiful girl like you to hitchhike at night.



That's because, generally speaking,

beautiful girls like me don't carry guns.



Yes, yes.



Are you saying that you carry a gun?



Mm-hm. Iíve got it in here somewhere.

Itís not very big.



- Watch it. It might go off.

- Only if you don't do exactly what I say.



Listen, Miss, uh...



- Russo.

- Russo?



(male voice) But you can call me Claude.



- ''Claude''?

- Pull off the road.



The old ''pull off the road'' ploy, eh?



Yes. Then we will see how you do with

the old ''take off all your clothes'' ploy.



lf you don't want to freeze to death,

you'd better put on the dress.



- Never!

- Suit yourself.



But the dress is an original Dior,

and you've got sensational legs.



(blows kiss)









(man) Merde!






Oh... Good. Thank you.



- Why don't you take it off the hook?

- Won't be necessary, my dear.



The great Inspector Clouseau

will not be bothering us any more.



Hello, boys!



Oh! Am I glad to see you!



And we are certainly glad to see you.



Hey, hey, hey!

Wait a moment! Wait a moment!



I am Chief Inspector Clouseau

of the SŻretť!



- And I am Officer Bardot.

- ''Bardot''?



But you can call me Brigitte.



Brigitte! You are making

an understandable mistake.



Don't let my legs fool you.

Iím really a man.



(solemn drum roll)



(man) The palace flag

is lowered to half-mast.



The president has declared

a day of national mourning.



Only a few hours ago, the great detective

stood in this very courtyard,



and was decorated by the president

for outstanding service to his country.



According to the coroner's report,



Chief Inspector Clouseau

was probably dead



before his car hit the telephone pole

and burst into flames.



The president called me

at six o'clock this morning.



A dozen countries have offered

the services of their finest detectives,



but the president made it painfully clear



that this must be solved

by Frenchmen, and quickly.



- Or we can all hand in our resignations.

- l spoke with Dr Laprone at the hospital.



He assures me

that Dreyfus is completely cured.



Itís amazing.



Iíve seen some lunatics in my time, but

they were all pikers compared to Dreyfus.



- He was like a wild animal!

- Didn't he actually bite you?



Oh, yes. On the leg.



l had to take rabies shots, just in case.



The doctor swears

his recovery is complete.



He said that in the last    hours,

Dreyfus has literally become a new man.



Thank God for that, because we need him.



lf anyone knows about Clouseau

and who might have murdered him,



that man is former

Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus.



Isn't it fantastic, Doctor?



Reinstated at my former rank,

with no loss of pay or social benefits.



Yes. It could actually be called

a psychic rebirth.



Iím in your debt.

l shall be eternally grateful.



l only helped. l led the way.



But in the final analysis,

it was your victory, Charles.



Our victory, Paul. (laughs)



But only at the expense of another.



Huh? Oh, Clouseau, you mean.



It could be said that he died

so that you might live.



- l wish l could feel sorry.

- You feel no guilt?






To be honest,

when l first heard he was dead,



there were a few moments

when l was actually convinced



l was in a state of grace. (laughs)



- Is that wrong?

- It isn't a matter of right or wrong.



Look, l hated him.



He literally drove me

out of my mind, as you know.



Isnít it natural that

l should feel happiness, even joy,



at the thought of him being dead,

out of the way, and gone for ever?



Natural, yes. But there is a danger

that such feelings might promote guilt.



Clouseau would come back

and haunt you.



- I have no guilt.

- Not now.



Not ever. Clouseau is gone,

and I am free, for ever.



- Now, have a cigar.

- Thank you, Charles.



Iíve made the arrangements

for your release.



The SŻretť is sending a car

for you to be picked up at  .  .




you're on probation for    months.



lf you have any problems,

call on me immediately.



Thank you, Paul.



Officer, you are making

a most serious mistake.



Release me immediately,

or l will personally see to it



you are transferred to Martinique,

and spend the rest of your career



writing traffic citations

and checking parking meters.



The man who was killed in that car,

my car - uh, Cato's car - was not me.



He was wearing my clothes.

These are his clothes.



I am Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau.



Miss or Mrs?



You fool! The president himself,

when he decorated me, said:



''Clouseau, you are a man of courage.''



He called me

the greatest detective in all of France!



You charlatan! Impostor!



All right. Calm down, Mr Poirot.



- Poirot?

- Yes!



Yes, but you can call me Hercule.



And l am the greatest detective

in all of France,



the greatest in all the world.



(blows raspberry)



That man is obviously crazy.



Uh-uh. We do not use

that word round here.



Oh? What do you

normally use round here?



- Now, now.

- He is very ''now, now'', l can tell you that.



Court order.



l shall need your signature

on the transfer document.



   days' comprehensive - thank you -

psychiatric examination.









Your car's at the entrance, Inspector.



Goodbye, Chief Inspector Dreyfus.



- Good evening, Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

- (gruffly) Good evening, FranÁois.



Itís good to have you back on the job,

Chief Inspector.



Is it true that you will take charge

of the Clouseau investigation?



- Yes, yes.

- You must feel torn.



On the one hand, it is your duty to send

the guilty parties to the guillotine.



On the other hand... (laughs)



I am sure you'd rather

congratulate them, eh?



Can you imagine?

A state funeral for that idiot?



The president. Dignitaries from

all over the world will be coming.



Why, there's a rumour

the Pope might even show up.



The Peup?



- ''Peup''?

- What?



You said ''Peup''.



- Do you have a cold?

- Oh, yes. Yes, I have.



I have the cold in the chest, you know.



You sound terrible.

Do you want me to send you a doctor?



No, no. Itís much better than it sounds.



Anyway, I want to go directly

to the Clouseau apartments



to commence the search for the clues.



Yes, sir.



- Is this the Clouseau residence?

- Yes.



This is also the residence

of the Clouseau manservant, Cato Fong?






Then be so good as to tell him that l wish

to have speaks with him, would you?



And who should l say

''wish to have speaks'' with Mr Fong?



Tell him it is an old friend.



Mr Fong has many old friends.



Listen, you.



Tell him it is Chief Inspector... Clouseau.



Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Please come in.



Good evening.



- And congratulations.

- What?



You are our first Caucasian,



and that entitles you

to a   ļ/% discount until midnight.



- Who are you?

- Mrs Wu. But you can call me Madam.






- Yes?

- Inspector Clouseau.



Oh! Please come in.



- Madam.

- Welcome.



- Good evening.

- Please, make yourself at home.



That man just called himself

Inspector Clouseau.



It was Mr Fong's idea, but personally,

I think we should have a better password.






Madam, l demand to know

exactly what is going on in here.



Well, just about anything

your little heart desires.



But first, why don't you relax?



Give Benson your hat and your coat,

have a drink, get to know the girls.



And then, when you are up to it,



you can choose from a wide variety

of exciting little diversions.



But I see that

you already have a preference.



Allow me to introduce

Tanya, the Lotus Eater.



What else does she do?



l warn you, Tanya the Easter Lotus,



I am opposed to the women's libs.



Man is the master,

and women's place is in the home.



- (whip swishes)

- Ooh! Ow!



And another round-eye bites the dust.



- (whip)

- Aagh! Aaaow!






Aaagh! Ooh!



Take your hands off me, you oriental fool!

You are under arrest!



- Anything you say will be taken down...

- Arrest?!



You have the right to remain silent,

but let me tell you this:



I am not your ordinary,

run-of-the-mill transvestite.



- Say no more!

- What was that talk about arresting us?



- He was just kidding, weren't you, boss?

- Boss?



l used to work for him.

He used to be a cop.



- A cop?!

- Tell them you were kidding, boss.



Yes, he is right.



l was just kidding.



Cross my heart and...

hope to meet you again sometime.



And you, Madam.



And you, too. You two

should be ashamed of yourselves.



And you! I want to talk to you, Cato!



- Here. Come in here. Listen now.

- Please, boss!



l thought you were dead!



So, as a tribute to my memory, you

open up this... Chinese nooky factory!



l had to do something to keep busy.

Besides, a first-rate joint like this



can make as much as

three, four hundred thousand a year!



- Is that net?

- No, gross.



But even so, a smart operator

can clear a coupla hundred grand,



and that ain't exactly chicken feed.






No, and ten years on Devil's Island

ain't exactly the chicken's feed either,



my greedy little yellow pimp.






Iíll have to close up anyway,

now that you're alive.



Yes. Yes, normally that is

precisely what you would have to do.



But these are not normal times, Cato.



- Someone has just tried to kill me.

- That's normal.



Ah, but this time

that someone thinks he has succeeded.



Except for you and me,

the whole world believes that I am dead.



And in this case, death has its advantages.



No one will know it is me



as I glide... (coughs)



through the underworld like a shadow.



- Good evening, Commissioner.

- Charles! (laughs)



I, uh...



Thank you.



Iím sorry to be late, but as you must have

heard, a lunatic was hiding in my closet.



Yes. Russo.









- Ah!

- You remember?



Why wouldn't I?

It was only three years ago.



Of course. Claude Russo.



Alias Claudine Russo.

Armed robbery, dressed as a woman.



But he got five years.



He was released on parole

three months ago.



So it could have been Russo.



He's clever.



- Clever enough to fool FranÁois?

- Huh!



l like FranÁois, but fooling him



no longer constitutes an act of more

than average cleverness, shall we say?



l always thought

he was rather a good policeman.



When he was my assistant, he was a very

good policeman, with a bright future.



- But then he was assigned to Clouseau.

- Oh, now, now, Charles.



- All that's in the past.

- Yes, of course.



Tomorrow morning,

when they plant him six feet deep



and shovel in the dirt... (laughs)



l shall be truly free.



And unless he's figured out

a way to come back from the dead,



nothing anyone does or says about him

will ever make any difference again.



- Shall we do some work?

- That reminds me.



- What is it?

- The chief wants you to give the eulogy.



- The what?

- The tribute.



- Me?!

- You knew him intimately.



l hated him intimately.



But you're the expert who's

going to track down his murderers.



Iím the expert who

would love to kiss his murderers!



The PR people loved the angle.



Itís sacrilege! l won't do it.






No. Iím a good Catholic.



- So's the chief's wife.

- I don't care.



What's she got to do with it?



She wrote the speech.



Ladies and gentlemen,



honoured guests,



dear friends. (clears throat)



We are gathered here to say... goodbye



to a, uh...



a great man.



(stifles laugh)






Not only was he a model police officer,



a brilliant detective,



admired and respected

by his fellow officers,



and all those

who were fortunate enough...






enough to know him.



He was, above all else,



a modest man.



His kind will not pass this way again,



and our loss is surely...



heaven's gain.



Present arms!












- Get rid of that woman.

- We'll talk about it later.



I want your answer now,

or I sue for divorce.



- Iím warning you, Therese.

- What will you do? Have me killed?



(priest prays in Latin)



Gentlemen... you will be relieved to know



that our friend in New York was very

impressed by our little demonstration.



It was a good idea, Guy.



- The Gannet transaction is on again.

- The same delivery date?



- Unless there's something l don't know.

- l spoke to Hong Kong.



- They say the Gannet's right on schedule.

- Good.



That means this time next week we can

declare ourselves a very healthy dividend,



letting our international colleagues know

the French Connection's back in business.



Iíll be at the farm, and I do not want to be

contacted except in extreme emergency.



Meeting adjourned.






- Stick around, will you? l might need you.

- Right.



Miss Legree, would you

come in here for a moment, please?



Well, now, what's wrong with you?



- We have to stop seeing each other.

- Your wife?



- Mm-hm.

- That witch. OK, how long this time?



- Iím afraid this time permanently.

- Permanently?



- Permanently? Permanently?!

- She gave me an ultimatum.



- You're saying you have no choice?

- I haven't.



- You have too. Get rid of her!

- My own wife?



- Get rid of her! Why can't you?

- She's got enough evidence to ruin me.



If anything happens to her, her attorney

will give it to the authorities!



- Then get rid of the authorities!

- Who do you think I am?



- Get rid of her attorney!

- Get rid of her attorney?!



- I couldn't afford the scandal.

- Scandal? Iíll show you scandal.



Itís not that I love her. You know I don't.

I just need her respectability.



- Permanently?

- Yes.



You mean six years together,

just washed up, just over with?



- Iím afraid so. Iím sorry.

- That's just wonderful.



- Iím afraid so. Iím sorry.

- That's just wonderful.



And you obviously

can't go on being my secretary.



I have deposited a substantial amount

of money in your bank account...



I don't want your money!

I don't know what I want.



But Iíll think of something!






- Leaving early, Miss Legree?

- Later than you think, Mr Algo.



Something you want me to do?



Not unless she decides to be indiscreet.



If you have to, just be sure

you make it look like an accident.



(Clouseau) Ahoy! Lower the kipper!



Hello there in the fog!



Don't worry.



Itís only an old salty Swedish sea dog

out there from the salty seas, you know.



- (dog barks)

- Pumping the air in the parrot in.



Naughty bird afraid of the fog.



Swine leg!



Hello, Inspector.



Chief Inspector.



Iím working under the covers.

No one must suspect a thing.



(speaks mock Swedish)



What do you have of special interest

to my secret investigations?



There's something big

going down at Le Club Foot.



Le Club Foot? Remarkable.



Keep your...



(mutters in mock Swedish)



Keep your eyes and ears peeled

and keep in constant contact.



I am extremely grateful

for this excellent piece of information.



Thar she blows!



Once again, l thank you

for this most useful tip,



and if there is anything

I can ever do to repay you...



Now that you mention it, Chief Inspector...






You mean the line in the hand?

All the dark strangers coming.



(mock Swedish)



Sixteen chests on the dead man's rum



Yo ho ho and a bottle of the chest



Drink to the devils

and down with the rums









Gimme some more.



Yeah, gimme some more.



All right!



Whoo! Come on!



Yeah! Itís started!



Move 'em out



Move 'em out



If you mess around with women, boy,

you'll wanna fix the trimmin'



Move 'em out



Move 'em out



Better listen to me, cousin...



She's coming in now.



Move 'em out



Move 'em out, move 'em out



- Whoo! Bonsoir, Vic.

- How you doin', Simone?



Mr Toledo, Mr Vancouver.



- Vic, you can show us to my usual table.

- How about something nearer the floor?



No, thank you. I want my usual table.



- Is something wrong?

- It is Mr Douvier's table, ain't it, love?



No, love, but if you're worried about Mr

Douvier, why don't you give him a call?



- l wouldn't want you to get in trouble.

- He ain't my boss.



Then why do you pay him

all that money every month?



- That ain't cool, baby.

- You ain't seen nothin' yet. Come on.



Listen to me, cousin,

Iíve got stories by the dozen



Move 'em out



Move 'em out, move 'em out



- Where are we going?

- We don't want to be obvious.



We'll make our entrance through the back

way in disguise, as l told you, you fool.



(rings bell)



- (clattering)

- (cat yowls)



( funk)



Get up here. Get up here!



- Itís a bakery.

- I know that. I know that.



Come on.

At least you're not yellow any more.



This time Iím going to

stand on your shoulders.



What good would that do?



Because Iím taller than you are, you fool.



- Oh, yeah.

- Make a cradle.



Get rid of that.



I can't reach it.

You'll have to find something to stand on.



Argh! Aaargh!









All right! Let me see ya, baby! Come on!



Do it, baby!






Wait! Let me go!



- (Cato) Can you reach it?

- Yes.






- Hey! Are you OK?

- No!



You know something? You're terrific.

You're terrific! You saved my life!



Come on with me now.

I wanna save your life.



- Let's go. Come on.

- Oh, God.



Come on, before the killers see us.



- What killers?

- Iíll tell you at my apartment.



- What apartment?

- My apartment.



Oh! My God!



Mine too.



Iím soaked to the skin.



Yes. Yes, l have received

considerable soak also.



You'd better get out of those wet clothes

before you catch pneumonia.



What shall l do with my coat?

I don't want to spoil your...



Just put it down anywhere.

Put it on the floor. That's fine.



Help yourself. Iím gonna change.

Iíll bring you a robe.



Iím gonna put on some music.



- You know, it's strange.

- What?



I say it's strange.



Yes, I know. And l said ''What?''



- Oh, you mean ''What is strange?''

- Yes.



Yes, yes.



Itís strange that l have

never yet set foot in this building,



but I have the distinct impression

that I have been here before.



Dťjŗ vu. I have it all the time.



- Oh. The old dťjŗ vu. Thank you.

- You're welcome.



- You OK?

- Yes.



Ah! That feels good.



That won't do you much good

if you don't take your pants off.



- What?

- You gotta take your pants off.



Look at me. Look, Iím shaking like a leaf.



I can't stop shaking. I don't know...

Oh, I know what it is.



Iím just not used to being killed.

That's my first time, you know?



I know. But listen.



When you have been killed as many times

as I have, you get used to it, believe me.



- Really?

- Yes. Oh, yes, yes. Yes indeed.



Iíll put this here, keep it nice and warm.



- Cheers.

- Cheers.



- Oh. This is for you.

- Oh, yes. Yes, of course.



- Then this must be yours.

- Thank you. Cheers.






Yes. Anyway... you have nothing to fear.



- Yes, I have.

- No, you don't.



- Yes, I have.

- No, you don't.



- I have.

- No. You see,



I am an officer of the Ieu.



- The Ieu?

- What?



You said you were an officer of the Ieu?



That is correct. Yes, yes.

I am a chief inspector of the SŻretť.






You doubt me.



No, I don't doubt you.



- Why should l doubt you?

- That's right.



lf you say so, l don't.



Who were those two men

who tried to kill you?



- Killers.

- Killers? How do you know?



- I know because I worked for Douvier.

- Douvier? I know that name.



Everyone in France knows it.

He's a millionaire businessman.



Of course. Douvier the millionaire

businessman. l knew l knew it.



But how many people do you think know



that Douvier the millionaire businessman

is also Douvier the French Connection?



Hm? How many?



Well, I suppose his mother, for one.



Why do you suppose

he wanted to have me killed?



Elementary. He wanted you dead.






Itís nothing. Just a slight singe.



- Iím sorry about your robe.

- Oh, that's all right.



Tell me about this Douvier.



I was his mistress and

his private secretary for two years.



I know enough about Philippe to

send him to prison for his whole life.



You keep talking about this Douvier.



But Philippe... Who is Philippe?



- Philippe Douvier.

- His son?



Whose son? He has no son.



- His brother, then.

- His name's Fred.



- Then it has to be his father.

- He's dead.



Now we're getting somewhere.

Who killed him?



- He died of natural causes.

- Then who is this Philippe?!



I wanna see some identification.

Right now.



- What?

- Now. I wanna see some identification.



lf you're not a policeman then l shouldn't

be telling you any of these things.



- Can you keep a secret?

- I don't know. That depends.



Then brace yourself

for what l am about to tell you.



I am none other...



than Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau.



No, you're not.



- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.



- I am.

- You're not.



- I am.

- You're not. You are not!






Yes, you are.



Oh, my God.



I admit it's not

a very good photograph, but...



But l saw your funeral on television.



Yes. Even the Peup was there, you know.



- Cheers.

- Cheers.



But if you're not dead, who's dead?



A wandering transvestite took my car

and stole my clothes at gunpoint.



I have been working under the covers

tracking the killer.



- The killer's Douvier.

- What?



He wanted to impress the Godfather.



You mean Douvier killed a wandering

transvestite just to impress his godfather?



- Yes!

- (rattling)



- The man's unthinkable!

- (whispers) The door.



- What's wrong with it?

- l saw the knob turn.






Oh, hurry!



- I wonder whose apartment this is.

- I don't know.



- The other one's probably in my room.

- How do you know there's another one?



Philippe's assassins travel in pairs.

Itís a company rule.



Do you know

what the Gannet transaction is?



- What is that?

- Itís a code name



for a   -million-franc heroin sale.



   million francs?!



Philippe's going to Hong Kong

on Tuesday to meet the American buyer.



- Hong Kong?

- I don't know how it fits in,



but the Gannet's a boat.



(karate yell)



What are you doing?



Now l know why this place

looked so familiar.



Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.



I think he has received a faint.



Wake up, Chief Inspector. Wake up.



Chief Inspector!



Hello? Are you in there, Chief Inspector?






There's no reply.



Itís no use. I think we will

have to go to Hong Kong without him.



- ''We''?

- Yes.



- You, l and Cato, who will translate for us.

- Not me. I am not going to Hong Kong.



- Douvier would shoot me on sight.

- Not if he doesn't recognise you.



- And he won't.

- Why not?



We will leave that up to the great Balls.



''The great balls''?



At your service! Please forgive

the condition of my establishment,



but as the inspector knows -

the chief inspector knows...



- Auguste!

- Argh!



- Iím so sorry. I beg your pardon.

- But as the chief inspector knows,



- we were bombed.

- It sounds like you still are.



Almost all my collection

was either destroyed or damaged.



Starting Monday, I have to have a fire sale.



You could call it

''The Great Balls of Fire Sale''.



A catchy suggestion!



(blows) Cunny!






l can't tell you how good it is

to see that you are still alive.



It has been my privilege to serve

the good inspector - the chief inspector -



for all these many years.



Thirteen, to be precise.



And his reported demise

was a real blow to me.



Something's coming.



Yes! Yes, Cunny! You are not dreaming.



Our friend, our customer, is alive!



Hello, Cunny.



Now, how can l serve you?



- Well...

- Through wind and mud, snow and hail,



whether long or short, dark or pale.



Remember that when duty calls,



you've got Balls.



(clap of thunder)



- l gotta sit down.

- Yes, of course. Cunny! Quick!



Please, please! Come along.



That's right. There you are. Sit.



- Come, come, come. Sit, sit, sit.

- You're not serious?



There has been no time

to get new furniture.



Since the blast,

he's much more comfortable. Please, sit.



As a matter of fact,

Iíve been sleeping on him.



Chief Inspector?



I am leaving for Hong Kong

first thing in the morning.



Hong Kong?



Do you think you could pick me up

some cheap coolie hats?



My dear Auguste,

I need your best Hong Kong disguise.



Also, l will need something

extra special in the Godfather line.



Doctor, please. You must help me.



Is Clouseau real,

or am I going mad again?



- What do you think?

- What do I think? What can l think?



lf that nincompoop is really alive,

and the things l heard are true,



he'll probably be decorated for rounding

up the biggest drug ring in France,



and Iíll be a laughing stock.



That sounds reasonable.

What are you going to do?



What choice do I have?



I either commit myself and come back

to be locked up in here, or...



I go to Hong Kong.



- Listen, I don't think I can do this.

- Of course you can.



Just think yellow and follow me.



Mr and Mrs... Lo Kee.



- (clattering)

- (man) You stupid clumsy oaf!



What the hell do you think you're doing?

You've ruined my suit!



Why the hell don't you

look where you're going?!



I am Mr Algo. When Mr Scallini arrives,

have me paged in the bar.



Certainly, Mr Algo.



Who is gonna pay for my suit?



See that man that was right there? That's

Guy Algo, Philippe's right-hand man.



This Scallini must be

Mr Big from New York.



Listen. We'll go up to the room.



You stay here ten minutes,

then tell Mr, um...



- Algo.

- Right. Yes, Algo. Yes.



..Mr You-Know-Who has arrived,

and bring him to the room.



- Mr You-Know-Who?

- l will be Mr You-Know-Who. Get it?



Right. Come, Ming Loy.



You got a reservation for Scallini.



Page Mr Algo in the bar.

Tell him Mr Scallini's here.



- What do you think you're doing?

- Mr Scallini in lobby.






No, no. Fongu.



Hey, you heard what l said to him?

Dumb Frenchman! ''Cochon''.



That means ''pig''.



I tell Mr Scallini you're here.



- Listen, boss!

- Itís not boss. Itís me.



- Where is he?

- Getting into his Godfather disguise.



Algo's in the next room.

Scallini's down the hall in the Tang suite.



- We rode up in the same elevator.

- Maybe l can reach him before Philippe.



- What will you do?

- Iím not sure. Keep your eye on Algo.



(spills drink)



- Ice?

- Please.



- Soda?

- Yes.



I hope it's not too strong.



Iím sure it will be fine.



Heh-heh-heh! Ha-ha-ha-ho!



Hey! Mamma mia! Ho-ho!



Spaghettini to Al Pacino!



Heh-heh! Ho-ho!



Carlo and me have got a little business

to talk over. We won't be long.



Have another drink. Ho-ho-ho!



Viva Zapata! Ha-ha-ha!



- Where is she?

- I don't know.









- Hello, Mr Marchione.

- Hey.



- Come on in.

- Thank you. Thank you very much.



- Can l get you a drink?

- Oh, no. Nothing, thank you.



- Itís, uh... Simone.

- Oh, you really have a good memory.



Well, I never forget a pretty face.



Hey, boss. This is Simone.



- That's Douvier's personal...

- Secretary. How do you do, Mr Scallini?



We never met before.

lf we meet before, you call me Julio.



- That's a nice hand.

- Thank you. That's only the right one.



- You type too?

-     words a minute.



l may faint.



Mr Douvier is running a little late. lf you

like, Iíll keep you company till he arrives.



lf l like? Does my mother cook spaghetti?



To the Gannet transaction.



Shall l tell Douvier we're on our way?






Don't forget the money.



(coughs and splutters)















You want me to hit you on the back?



(karate yell)






We're on our way.



- Mr Douvier will meet us in the lobby.

- Great, great.



- Is that it?

- Yep. Ha-ha-ha!



-    million francs and no bodyguard?

- Listen, buddy.



l take care of my body, my body takes

care of me. Know what Iím drivin' at?



- Iíll buy you some cigarettes, huh?

- Smoke a few.



When Douvier shows,

Iíll meet you in the lobby.






Hey! Be right with you.



What the hell is going on here?



Lee Kee Shipyard.



- Where'd he go?

- I think they went to Lee Kee Shipyard.






(yells in Chinese)



See this? l can tell by your heart line

that you're very passionate.



- See how long this is?

- Keep watchin'. Itís gonna get longer.






- Hello?

- Lee Kee Shipyard. Douvier.



It was Douvier.



And the doorman heard him tell the driver

to go to the Lee Kee Shipyard.



Somethin' is cacuzza around here.



Your boss and a couple of boys

just left the hotel.



- Really? I wonder why they did that.

- You got me. Why don't we go ask him?



Yes. OK. Yes, I understand.



OK. Yes.



Douvier left the hotel about

five minutes ago. He was with two men.



He told the driver

to go to the Lee Kee Shipyard.



Iím sure it was that nincompoop!



- Iím sure Mr Douvier won't be gone long.

- Well, we'll see.



It doesn't make much sense

if you leave and he comes back.



Stop worrying.

You'll give yourself wrinkles.



- What about this Lee Kee Shipyard?

- Perfectly legitimate, as far as l know.



They build a line

of expensive power cruisers.



Maybe Mr Douvier

is just buying himself a yacht.



- Lee Kee Shipyard?

- That's what the come si chiama said.



Come si chiama. Lee Kee.



Come on! Move it!



Come on!



(sounds horn)



(driver sounds horn)












Mr Chow, our Far Eastern representative.

Mr Scallini.



- It is an honour to meet you.

- You remember Mr Algo, of course.



Shall we go? After you launch the boat,



we'll go to the office

and sign the ownership papers.



- Everything legal and above board.

- Above the board, yes. Good.



- Where is it? You know...

- Well, l understood you were told.



No, l was told, but checking, you know...



- In the keel.

- Oh, the old keel ploy.



All you have to do is sail

around the Caribbean for a while,



haul her out of the water, take the

midsection out of the keel, and voilŗ.



   kilos of the finest merchandise

your experts have ever tested.



I tell ya, it better had be

the best merchandise,



cos my experts

certainly have tested some.



- We have faith in our merchandise.

- That's good enough for me.



- Now, would you like to launch her?

- l would be delighted, you know.



(coughs and sneezes)



September. A good month for the vintage.












He must be a cop! Get him! Get him!



Hey, boss!



Look out, you Oriental idiot!



What are you doing?!



(Marchione) Jesus Christ!



- Itís me!

- I know!









- (gunshot)

- Hey! Cancel the artillery!






I don't care! I don't care!

Get out of my way!



- Hey, Al! Where are ya?

- How do I know?



Well, wherever you are,

this is Chief Inspector Clouseau,



and I am warning you

that if you are not careful,



I will arrest you all in the name of the Ieu!



You and your bright ideas.



Let me get my hands on you.



(Dreyfus) Clouseau?






- Are you wounded?

- No!



Fortunately l was saved by the darkness.



So what we need is more light.



Look what you did to my shoes!

Oh, Iíll kill you!



Hello, Philippe.






- What are you doing here?

- Waiting for the firecrackers to go off.



- What firecrackers?

- The ones l just stuck in your pants.






(drum tattoo)



( rousing march)



- Hello! Iím so sorry Iím late.

- i was a little worried.



I had some rather important

police business to attend to.



- And everything's all right?

- Absolutely fine.



Allow me to let you in the car.



- Please.

- Itís beautiful.



Itís rather neat, isn't it?

I call it the Silver Hornet.



Yes... Service, service.



Itís a little overdue

for a service, unfortunately.



Perhaps it's better to leave that there.



- Itís a beautiful night. Why don't we walk?

- What an excellent idea.



- Iím sorry about that.

- That's quite all right.



- You look ravishing tonight.

- Yes, I know that.



- You know that?

- Yes.



- Yes, l knew that you knew that.

- You did? l knew you knew l knew that.



What made you decide

to become a detective?



Well, it's not something

one decides every day of the week.



But in my case, it began

when my great-aunt was kidnapped



and held for ransom by

an unlicensed Armenian phrenologist.



An Armenian phrenologist?



Yes. You know, a man

who reads the beumps on your head.



- The beumps?

- What?



- You said ''beumps''?

- Yes, yes.



- Have you ever had your beumps read?

- I don't think so.



I would guess that your beumps

would make excellent reading.



Would you mind

if I read your beumps someday?




Special help by SergeiK