The Royal Tenenbaums Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Royal Tenenbaums script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Wes Anderson movie with Gene Hackman.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Royal Tenenbaums. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Royal Tenenbaums Script





           Royal Tenenbaum bought  the house on Archer Avenue

          "in the winter of his 35th year".

             Over the next decade

             he and his wife  had three children

            "and then they separated".

            Are you getting divorced?

            At the moment, no... but... it doesn't look good.

            Do you still love us?

            Of course I do.

            Do you still love Mom?

            Yes, very much, but your mother's asked me to leave

            and I must respect her position on the matter.

            Is it our fault?



            Obviously, we made certain sacrifices

            as a result of having children, but, uh...

            no, Lord, no.

            Then why'd she ask you to leave?

            I don't really know anymore.

            Maybe, uh, I wasn't as true to her as I could've been.

            Well, she said...

            Let's just drop it

            shall we, uh, Chassie?

             They were never "legally di vorced".

            Thank you, Pagoda.

             Etheline Tenenbaum  kept the house

             and raised the children

             and their education was "her highest priori ty".

            Yes, I'll hold, please.

            Thank you.

            I need $   .

            Write yourself a cheque.

            "Bene. Si" .

            "Grazie mille".

             She wrote a book "on the subject".

            -Chas, Chas! -Richie!

            Uh, the gentleman in the blue cardigan, please.

            Thank you. I have a two-part question.

            Go ahead.

             Chas Tenenbaum had,  since elementary school

             taken most of his meals  in his room

             standing up at his desk  wi th a cup of coffee

            "to save time".

             In the sixth grade,  he went into business

             breeding Dalmatian mice

             which he sold to a pet shop "in Li ttle Tokyo".

             He started buying real estate  in his early teens

             and seemed to have an almost  preternatural understanding

            "of international finance".

             He negotiated the purchase  of his father 's summer house

            "on Eagle 's Island".

            Hold it, Chassie.

            Hold it right there.

            What are you doing? You're on my team.

            There are no teams.

             The BB was still lodged  between two knuckles

            "in Chas 's left hand".

             Margot Tenenbaum was adopted "at age two".

             Her father had always noted "this when introducing her".

            This is my adopted daughter Margot Tenenbaum.

             She was a playwright, and won  a Braverman Grant of $      

            "in the ninth grade".

             She and her brother Richie  ran away from home one winter

             and camped out

             in the African wing "of the public archi ves".

            Hi, Eli.

            You said "I" could run away, too.

            No, I didn't, and don't tell anyone you saw us.

             They shared a sleeping bag

             and survi ved on crackers "and root beer".

             Four years later

             Margot disappeared alone  for two weeks

             and came back "wi th half a finger missing".

             Richie Tenenbaum had been  a champion tennis player

            "since the third grade".

            Do you copy, Anonymous?

             He turned pro at    

             and won the U. S. Nationals "three years in a row".

             He kept a studio  in the corner of the ballroom

             but had failed to develop "as a painter".

            Up... up...




             On weekends

             Royal took him on outings "around the ci ty".

            Put it out there.

             These invi tations

             were never extended "to anyone else".

             Richie 's best friend, Eli Cash,  li ved wi th his aunt

             in the building "across the street".

             He was a regular fixture  at family gatherings

             holidays, mornings before "school, and most afternoons".

             The three Tenenbaum children  performed Margot 's first play

             on the night "of her   th birthday".

             They had agreed

             to invi te their father "to the party".

            What'd you think, Dad?

            Mmm... didn't seem believable to me.

            Why are you wearing pajamas?

            Do you live here?

            He has permission to sleep over.

            Well, did you at least think

            the characters were well-developed?

            What characters?

            This is a bunch of little kids, uh

            dressed up in animal costumes.

            Good night, everyone.

            Well, sweetie...

            don't be mad at me.

            That's just one man's opinion.

            Happy birthday to you

            Happy birthday to you...

             He had not been invi ted "to any of their parties since".

             In fact, virtually all memory

             of the brilliance  of the young Tenenbaums

             had been erased

             by two decades of betrayal, "failure, and disaster".

            Go, Mordecai.

            Na, na, na



            Hey Jude

            Na, na, na


              I've been instructed

              to refuse any further charges on your room account

              and to direct you, in writing

              to please vacate the premises by the end of the month.

              What about Sing-Sang?

              I owe her $   .

               Royal had li ved  in the Lindbergh Palace Hotel

              "for    years".

              Can you pay her in cash?


               He was a prominent li tigator  until the mid '  s

               when he was disbarred "and briefly imprisoned".

               No one in his family had spoken "to him in three years".

              Read it back to me so far, Pietro.

              New paragraph.

               Richie had retired

              "from professional tennis at   ".

               His last match had been "widely discussed in the media".

              "Your friend Richie." End of letter.

               For the past year,  he had been traveling alone

               on an ocean liner "called the" Cote d'Ivoire

               and had seen both poles,  fi ve oceans

              "the Amazon and the Nile".

              "The crickets and the rust beetles scuttled

              "among the nettles of the sage thicket.

               " 'Vamanos, amigos, ' he whispered

              "and threw the busted-leather flint craw

              "over the loose weave of the saddle cock

              and they rode on in the friscalating dusk light."

               Eli was an assistant professor

               of English li terature "at Brooks College".

               The recent publication "of his second novel" . . .

              . . . "had earned him a sudden," "unexpected li terary celebri ty".

              Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn.

              What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.

              Let me ask you something.

              Why would a review make the point of saying

              someone's "not" a genius?

              You think I'm especially "not" a genius?

              I know w...

              You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

              Well, I just don't use that word lightly.

              I have to go, Eli.



              May I come in, please?

              How are you, my darling?

               Margot was married  to the wri ter and neurologist

              "Raleigh St. Clair".

              I'm fine, thank you.

              You need to eat something.

              May I make you dinner?

              No, thank you.

               She was known "for her extreme secrecy".

               For example,  none of the Tenenbaums knew

               she was a smoker, which she "had been since the age of   ".

               Nor were they aware  of her first marriage

               and di vorce to "a recording artist in Jamaica".

               She kept a pri vate studio  in Mockingbird Heights

               under the name "Helen Scott. "

               She had not completed a play "in seven years".

                 October, third examination of Dudley Heinsbergen.

              All right, Dudley

              make yours like mine.

               Raleigh 's next book was  on the subject

               of a condi tion he called  "Heinsbergen Syndrome. "

              Where's that red one

              going to go?



              Very good.

              My goodness.

              How interesting. How bizarre.

              Dudley suffers from a rare disorder

              combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia

              and colour blindness.

              He has a highly acute sense of hearing.

              There is also evidence of...

              I'm not colour-blind, am I?

              I'm afraid you are.

              Ari, fire alarm! Let's go!

              Out you go!

              Let's go!

              Uzi, emergency! Let's go!

              Uzi... what did I just say?!

              Look alive!


               Chas 's wife Rachael

               was killed in a plane crash "the previous summer".

              What about Buckley?

              It's too late. You forgot him.

              Buckley! Buckley!

              No elevator! There's a fire.

              Go, go!

              Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go!

               Chas and their two sons,  Ari and Uzi

               were also on the flight  and survi ved

               as did their dog

               who was discovered in his cage

               several thousand yards "from the crash si te".

              Four minutes,    seconds.

              We're all dead, burnt to a crisp.

               Over the last six months

               he had become increasingly "concerned wi th their safety".

              We left Buckley.

              It doesn't matter.

               Etheline became  an archaeologist

               and had overseen excavations

               for the Department of Housing "and the Transi t Authori ty".

              Apropos of my question

              regarding I-   slash I-  adjustments...


               She taught a bridge class  twice a week

               wi th her friend and business "manager, Henry Sherman".

              It would probably be advantageous

              for your marital status

              to be legally established as single

              in light of the circumstances.

              What do you mean?

              I mean for tax purposes.

              But I thought...

              -Etheline... -Yes?

              Will you marry me?


              I love you, uh...

              Did you already know that?

              No, I didn't.

               Since her separation  from her husband

              "she had had many sui tors". . .

              . . ."but had not considered" "a single one until this moment".

              This isn't really a tax issue, is it?

              That's true, uh...

              I don't know why I put it that way.

              Let me think about it, Henry.

              Hello. Please tell Mr. Royal this is the Pagoda.


              Thank you, Dusty.

              You're welcome.

              Good morning, Jerry.


              Oh, there's a call for you, Mr. Tenenbaum.

              Who is it, Frederick?

              A Mr. Pagoda.

              What do you got?

              The black man asked her to be his wife.

              No shit?

              What did Ethel say?

              She think about it.

              I don't like the sound of this one damn bit, Pagoda.

              I mean... Lord knows

              I've had my share of infidelities

              but she's still my wife.

              And no damn two-bit, chartered accountant

              is going to change that.


              Hey, Pagoda, give us a hand, huh?


              What's going on?

              We got locked out of our apartment.

              Did you call a locksmith?


              Well, I don't understand.

              Did you pack your bags before you got locked out

              or how did you...?

              It's not safe over there.

              Excuse me for a moment.

              What are you talking about?

              The apartment.

              I have to get some new sprinklers

              and a backup security system installed.

              But there are no sprinklers here, either.

              Well, we might have to do something about that, too.


              Isn't this fun, huh?

              Isn't this great?

              Feels like we're camping.

              When are we going home?


              Hey, look at this.

              Pretty cool, huh?

              Who am I supposed to be?

              Who put that in here?

              ...Look at me

              What am I supposed to be?


              Well, I will see you boys in the morning.

              Good night. Good night.

              Good night.

              Look at me

              You know what?

              I think I'm going to sleep in here with you.

              That way...

              ...we can all be together.

              Oh, my love


              What kind of side effects can be expected?

              Well, there are a number of possibilities.

              Severe nausea and dizziness are standard.

              A certain percentage of patients may also experience seizure.

              You mean, like flopping around on the floor and everything?

              In some cases.

              You have a visitor, my darling.

              Who is it?

              It's me, sweetie.

              Raleigh says you've been spending six hours a day

              locked in here, watching television

              and soaking in the tub.

              I doubt that.

              I don't think that's very healthy, do you?

              Nor do I think it's very intelligent

              to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the bathtub.

              I tie it to the radiator.

              Well, it can't be very good for your eyes, anyway.

              Chas came home.

              What do you mean?

              He and Ari and Uzi are going to stay

              with me for a little while.

              Why are they allowed to do that?

              I don't know exactly

              but I think he's been very depressed.

              So am I.

              So are you, what?

              But why is "this" necessary?

              'Cause I'm in a rut, and I need a change.

              Hang on.


              That cab has a dent in it.

              You don't love me anymore, do you?

              I do, kind of.

              I can't explain it right now.

              Another dent here, and another dent here.

              I'll call you, okay?



              Hello, beautiful.

              Got a minute?

              What are you doing here?

              Uh, I need a favour.

              I want to spend some time with you and the children.

              Are you crazy?

              Well, wait a minute, damn it!

              Stop following me.

              Well, I want my family back.

              Well, you can't have it.

              I'm sorry for you, but it's too late.

              Well, listen...

              Baby, I'm dying.

              Yeah, I'm-I'm sick as a dog.

              I'll be dead in six weeks.

              I'm dying.

              What are you talking about?

              What's happening?

              Oh, I'm sorry.

              I didn't know.

              Well, what'd they say?

              What is the prognosis?

              Take it easy, Ethel.

              Now, hold-hold on, baby, hold on.

              Hold on, okay?

              Ethel, hold on, hold on.

              Where is the doctor?

              Don't... Well, just...

              W-Wait a second now.

              Wait a second.

              Okay, uh, listen, I'm not dying...

              but I need some time.

              A month or so, okay?

              I want us... I want us to-to...

              What's wrong with you?!



              Are you crazy?!

              Ethel, baby...

              I "am" dying.

              Are you or aren't you?

              What? Dying?


              Have you told your children?

              More or less.

              And are they all right?

              It's hard to say.

              Who's your father?

              His name is Royal Tenenbaum.

              You told us he was already dead.

              Yeah, well, now he's really dying.

              -Ready. -Print it.

              I am very sorry, Margot.

              That's okay.

              We're not actually related, anyway.


              I'd like to send a response, please.

              Yes, sir, go ahead.

              Dear Mom:

              I received your message.

              I'm coming home as soon as possible.

              Who do I see about that?

               The ship 's porter arranged for  Richie to disembark at Halifax

               and transfer  to a third-class stateroom

              "on board the" Queen Helena

               destined for "the Eastern seaboard".

               His trunks would not arri ve "for another    days".

              Hey, Baumer.

              Do you mind if we get a picture with you?

              Not at all.

               He had made a request  for his usual escort

               the one from his days  on the circui t

               to meet him at the pier "by way of the Green Line bus".


              "As always, she was late".

              I've been out walking

              I don't do too much talking these days

              These days

              These days I seem to think a lot

              About the things that I forgot to do...

              And other times, I...

              Stand up straight.

              Let me get a look at you.

              What's so funny?

              Well, it's nice to see you, too.

               That night, Etheline found  all of her children

               li ving together  under the same roof

              "for the first time in     years".

              Where's your dad?

               The next morning, "Richie woke at dawn".

               He had decided birds should not  be kept in cages

               fed Mordecai three sardines, "and set him free".

              I've missed the hell out of you, my darlings.

              Well, you know that, though, don't you?

              I hear you're dying.

              So they tell me.

              I'm sorry.

              Well, I've had a good run.

              You don't look so sick, Dad.

              Thank you.

              What have you got?

              I've got a pretty bad case of cancer.

              How long you going to last?

              Not long.

              A month, a year?

              About six weeks.

              Let me get to the point.

              The three of you and your mother are all I've got

              and I love you more than anything.


              -Ho-ho. -Chas, let me

              finish here.

              Now, I've got six weeks to set things right with you

              and I aim to do it.

              Will you give me a chance?


              You speak

              for everyone?

              I speak for myself.

              Well, you've made your views known.

              Let somebody else do some of the talking now.

              What do you propose to do?

              I can't say, really.

              Um, make up for lost time, I suppose.

              First thing I want to do is

              take you out to see your grandmother, at some point.

              I haven't been out there since I was six.

              I haven't been out there at all.

              I was never invited.

              Well, she wasn't your real grandmother

              and I never knew how much interest you had, uh, sweetie.

              Anyway, you're invited now.


              You know, Rachael's buried

              out there, too.


              My wife.

              Oh, that's right, isn't it?

              Well, we'll have to swing by her grave, too.

              Uh, I'll be right back.



              Can I see my grandsons?


              Because I finally want to meet them.

              Don't give me that guff.

              I think we'll pass.


              where's my Havelina?

              I'll say good-night to you now, children.


              Thank you, my sweet boy.

              I'll contact you in the next    hours

              with further instructions.

              Look at that old

              grizzly bear.

              Hello, Ethel.

              Good evening, sir.

              Hold the cab, will you, driver?

              Royal, this is Henry Sherman.

              Hey, lay it on me, man.

              How do you do?

              Not too well. I'm dying.

              How's Richie?

              I don't know.

              I can't tell.

              Yeah, me neither.

              He wrote me a letter.

              He says he's in love with you.

              What are you talking about?

              That's what he said.

              I don't know how we're supposed to take it.

              Hang on.


              Sugar, it's Eli.

              Hey, baby, give me a second.

              What are we doing, Eli?

              Oh, I just got to pick something up.

              Don't repeat that, by the way.

              About Richie.

              It was told to me in confidence, and, you know...


              Now just remove the loose soil

              and note the decomposition levels.

              I'm sorry to interrupt your work.

              Don't be silly.

              Come on.

              I just want to apologise for the other day

              when I proposed to you.


              I thought it was very sweet.

              I know I'm not as accomplished as some of the men

              you've been involved with.

              Uh, Franklin Benedict, General Cartwright

              and your ex-husband.

              Oh, that's ridiculous.

              But, but, I feel...

              I can offer just as much as them.

              I know I went about it backwards, but...

              Henry, I have no interest in Franklin Benedict

              or Doug Cartwright... I never did...

              and as far as Royal's concerned, he's the most...


              Henry, are you alright?

              Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

              Anyway, let me know when you make up your mind.

              Henry, wait a second.

              I'm sorry, I'm very nervous.

              Th-That's okay.

              Oh, thank you.

              Why are you so nervous?

              Well, to tell you the truth

              I haven't slept with a man in    years.


              Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah, dah-dum

              Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah

              -Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah...

              La-dah-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah...

              Lah-dah-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah...

              Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dah...

              Dah, dah-dah-dah, dah, dee...

              Dah, dah-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah...

              Dah-dah, dah-dah...

              That's a hell of an old hound dog you got there.

              What's he go by?


              Buckley, sit.

              You know who I am?

              I'm Royal.

              Have you heard of me?

              I'm very sorry for your loss.

              Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.

              Thank you.

              Which one are you?


              Uzi, I'm your granddad.


              I'm sorry we haven't gotten to know each other.

              I don't get invited around very much.

              What do you think of that, by the way?

              Oh, you...

              you don't have to say anything.

              It's kind of a "fuck you" to the old man, I guess.

              How's your daddy?


              You think so, huh?

              How often has he got you working out?

                 times a week.

              Do me a favour.

              Tell him you want to meet me.

              But we just met.

              No, we didn't.

              Look, I'd like us to have a relationship

              but we have to pull some strings to make it happen.

              Now, here's what you tell him. You say...

               Well, I bet  Mom would have wanted us

              "to meet him before he died".

              Wouldn't she?

              Don't you think?

              She was a tough old broad, wasn't she?

              I wouldn't know.

              Excuse me. Come on.

              Oh, that's right.

              We've got another body buried here, haven't we?

              Uh, hold on.

              Take some of these.

              Come on.

              So what do you think of this big, old black buck

              moving in up there?


              Henry Sherman.

              You know him?


              Is he worth a damn?

              I believe so.

              What happened to your finger?

              Uzi, shh.

              It's okay, I'll tell you.

              I'm adopted. Did you know that?

              Well, I am.

              When I was    I went to find my real family.

              They live in Indiana.

              All right, now, just set one of them hickory trunks

              right up top there, sister Maggie.

              Did you try to sew it back on?

              Wasn't worth it.

              Hell of a damn grave.

              Wish it were mine.

              It's a shame, isn't it?


              Well, you probably had another good two or three years

              of competitive play in you.


              I had a lot riding on that match, you know.

              Financially and personally.

              Why did you choke out there that day, Baumer?

              Mr. Gandhi leads   -  .

              That's    unforced errors

              for Richie Tenenbaum.

              He's playing the worst tennis of his life.

              What's he feeling right now, Tex Hayward?

              I don't know, Jim.

              There's obviously something wrong with him.

              He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks

              and... actually, I think he's crying.

              I think you're right.

              Who's he looking at in the friends' box, Tex?

              That's his sister, Margot

              and her new husband, Raleigh St. Clair.

              They were just married yesterday, Jim.

              Oh, yes.

              I've never seen anything like this.

              Neither have I.

              Strange day out here at Windswept Fields.

              I kind of disappeared after that, didn't I?


              But I understood.

              I know you're not very good with disappointment.

              You still got that little BB

              in your hand, Chassie?

              Why did you shoot me?

              It was the object of the game, wasn't it?


              We were on the same team.

              Were we?

              Well... you sued me.

              Twice. Got me disbarred.

              I don't hold it against you, do I?

              And how is it possible

              for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds

              without your written authorisation?

              Objection, Your Honour. Damn it, I...

              Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?

              Because I started the corporation when I was a minor.

              So, my father was the primary signatory

              on most of my accounts.

              He also stole bonds

              out of my safety deposit box when I was   .

              You think you could start forgiving me?

              Why should I?

              Because you're hurting me.

              Come on.

              Were you in prison?

              Kind of.

              Minimum security.

              I gotjacked by the IRS.

              Should we split?

              Yes, sir.

              No, call me Mr. Tenenbaum.


              No, I'm kidding; call me Pappy.


              Come on, let's shag ass.

              Well, just let me know

              if you need somebody to talk to, okay?

              I like Raleigh very much.

              I know he's a lot older than you are

              and you two are having some problems

              but... anyway, maybe I can help.

              Okay. Thanks.

              Hey, Baumer! All right!

              All right! Ha! Oh, shit! Oh, Jesus.

              By the way, I heard about that letter you sent to Eli.

              You dropped some cigarettes.

              Those aren't mine.

              They just fell out of your pocket.

              Oh, my Lord, look at you.

              Come in.

              Did you tell Margot

              about that letter I wrote to you?

              Why? Did she mention it?

              Yes, I did.

              Why would she have repeated that, I wonder?

              Well, I would ask you the same question.

              Rightly so.

              What'd you say?



              I didn't say anything.

              When? Right now?

              I'm sorry; don't listen to me.

              I'm on mescaline.

              I've been spaced out all day.

              Did you say you're on mescaline?

              I did, indeed.

              Very much so.

              How often do you, uh...?

              I'm worried about you, Richie.


              Well, actually, Margot is, for some reason.

              But I did find it odd

              when you said you were in love with her.

              She's married, you know.


              And she's your sister.


              Where are my encyclopedias?

              They've been placed in storage.

              Well, damn you. You're taking my encyclopedias.

              Th-this is humiliating. I'm sorry.

              Would you like to make a complaint in writing?

              Where am I supposed to go?

              You're turning me into a damn hobo.

              I'd be happy to make a reservation for you

              at another hotel. You son of a bitch.


              Hello there, Dusty.


              Could you spot me a quarter?

              Of course.

              Richie? Hi.

              It's your dad.

              I think he's very lonely...

              lonelier than he lets on

              maybe lonelier than he even realises.

              Have you spoken to him about this?

              Briefly, and he agreed that we...

              I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here.

              What are you suggesting?

              That he come here and stay in my room.

              Are you out of your mind?

              No, I'm not. Anyway, I think that

              he'd be much more comfortable here than he would...

              Who gives a shit?

              I do.

              You poor sucker.

              You poor, washed-up papa's boy.

              All right, let's not get out of hand.

              Please, don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman.

              This is a family matter.

              Don't talk to him like that.

              -Call me Henry. -I prefer Mr. Sherman.

              Call him Henry.

              Why? I don't know him that well.

              You've known him for ten years.

              As your accountant, Mr. Sherman, yes.

              Where are you going to sleep?

              I'm just going to camp out upstairs.

              We brought our sleeping bag...


              We don't mind, Dad.

              We like him.

              Who, Pappy?


              He can sleep in the room above us.

              Ari, it's not your decision.

              Nor is it yours.

              Well, he's already up there.


              I think he's asleep

              because of the medication he's on

              but I... I guess you can wake him up and throw him out...

              if Mom says it's okay.

              Get out.


              Let me just collect my things.

              Would you mind handing me my cane, Richie?

              Let me see, where's my suitcases?

              I'll get 'em.

              Oh, thanks.




              Grab me a Nembutal, will you, son?

              Are you okay?

              What the fuck you care?

              Oh, my goodness.


              Call Dr. McClure.

              Take a breath and hold it.

              Now cough.

              His condition is stable.

              The attack was just a side effect.

              I recommend you push fluids

              and continue the stomach cancer medication.

              Can we move him?

              Absolutely not.

              For how long?

              We'll have to wait and see.

              Is he going to be all right?

              That depends. Is he a fighter?


              Then that's the best we've got.

              Pagoda's in possession

              of a parcel containing my will

              and some instructions for the funeral

              including my epitaph, for when the time comes.

              Proofread it for me

              before they carve it on the headstone, okay?


              I never did stop loving you, by the way.

              Do you believe that?

              Not really.

              You look terrific.

              That dress is stunning.


              Tears that angels cry...

              And the dark and all the sky...

              Lights out, old man.

              I thought I'd read for a while, Chas.

              Sorry.   :  . Lights out.

              I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

              Well, you'll have to finish it in the morning.

              Them's the rules.


              Good night, my boy.

              When the one you love says good-bye

              Sing a lullaby

              Dee-dee-dee, dee-dee, dee-dee

              Dee-dee-dee, dee-dee, dee-dee...

              Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh?

              He's your dad, too, Chas.

              No, he's not. Yes, he is.

              You really hate me, don't you?

              No. I don't. I love you.

              Well, I don't know what you think

              you're going to get out of this

              but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.


              I don't want to hurt you.

              I know what you and the boys have been through.

              You're my brother, and I love you.

              Stop saying that!

              What's thatjackass doing?

              I know you, asshole!

              Did Eli send you that?


              He always sends me his clippings.

              What for?

              I think he just likes the encouragement.

              He's done it for years.

              He used to send me his grades in college.

              That's ridiculous.

              How long do you intend to stay here?

              I don't know.

              Are you ever coming home?

              Maybe not.

              You're joking.


              Well, I want to die.

              Raleigh, please...

              Have you met someone else?

              I couldn't even begin to think about

              knowing how to answer that question.

              I don't like the way you're treating Raleigh.

              What are you talking about?

              You don't even know him.

              Well, I've met him, and I don't think he deserves...

              Stay out of it.

              You're two-timing him with that bloodsucker

              Eli Cash.

              Now, that's just not right, damn it.

              You used to be a genius.

              No, I didn't.

              Anyway, that's what they used to say.

              Richard, I know you're terribly close to Margot

              and probably understand her better than anyone.

              May I confide in you?


              I believe she's having an affair.

              I'm utterly devastated.

              I... don't know where else to turn.

              Will you advise me?

              I don't know.

              What do you want to do?

              I don't know.

              Perhaps, uh...

              Find the guy and get him?

              Well, no, I thought we could...

              Who do you think it might be?

              I don't know at the moment.

              Let's look at the actuals, okay?

              I agree with you a hundred percent.

              That's why we have marketing grids.


              What do you say we go down to Little Tokyo

              and get some fireworks?

              What do you need?


              I see you got them, uh, crunching numbers for you.

              Please don't come in this room.

              Chas has those boys cooped up

              like a pair ofjackrabbits, Etheline.

              He has his reasons.

              Oh, I know that

              but you can't raise boys to be scared of life.

              You got to brew some recklessness into them.

              I think that's terrible advice.

              No, you don't.

              We take boxing and self-defense classes.

              I'm not talking about dance lessons.

              I'm talking about putting a brick

              through the other guy's windshield.

              I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up.

              What do you mean?

              The mama pajama rolled out of bed

              And she ran to the police station

              When the papa found out, he began to shout

              And he started the investigation

              It's against the law


              It was against the law

              What the mama saw, it was against the law

              The mama looked down and spit on the ground

              Ev'ry time my name gets mentioned

              The papa said, "Oy, if I get that boy

              I'm gonna stick him in the house of detention"

              Well, I'm on my way

              I don't know where I'm goin'

              I'm on my way

              I'm takin' my time

              But I don't know where

              Good-bye to Rosie, the Queen of Corona...

              Come here.

              See you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard That's it! Run!

              See you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard.



              He saved my life, you know.

                 years ago, I was knifed in a bazaar in Calcutta.

              He carried me to the hospital on his back.

              Who stabbed you?

              He did.

              Yeah, there was a price on my head

              and he was a hired assassin.

              Stuck me right in the gut with that. Shoot.



              Where have you been?

              Uh, we just stepped out to get some air.

              What's that?

              Holy shit.

              That's not...?

              What is that?

              Oh, no, no, that's, uh, dog's blood.

              Come here.


              You stay away from my children.

              Do you understand?

              My God, I haven't been in here for years.

              Hey! Are you listening to me!

              Yes, I am!

              I think you've having a nervous breakdown!

              I don't think you recovered

              from Rachael's death.


              There you are.

              How are you feeling?

              I'm having a ball.

              Scrapping and yelling and mixing it up.

              Loving every minute with this damn crew.

              I want to thank you for raising our children

              by the way.


              I'm not kidding.

              You always put them first, didn't you?

              I tried to.

              Lately I feel like maybe I didn't do such a greatjob.

              Goddamn it, don't do that to yourself.

              I'm the one that failed them.

              Or, anyway, it's nobody's fault.

              Plus, that... it doesn't...

              Why didn't you give a damn about us, Royal?

              Why didn't you care?

              I don't know.

              I'm ashamed of myself.

              I'll tell you one thing, though...

              you got more grit, fire and guts

              than any woman I have ever met.

              What... what are you smiling about?


              No, wha... what's so funny?


              It's these little expressions of yours.

              I don't know what you're talking about

              but I'll take it as a compliment.

              You're true blue, Ethel.

              You really are.

              How's your love life?

              None of your business.

              I'd like you to talk to Royal about us

              if you don't mind.

              I don't think the timing's right for that, Henry.

              Well, I'd agree

              if I thought he was really going to die in six weeks

              but I don't.

              Well, I hope you're right.

              Actually, I don't believe I'll join you tonight.

              I'll call you in the morning.

              She said that?


              Got the sucker on the ropes.

              Can I ask you something, Hank?


              Are you trying to steal my woman?

              I beg your pardon?

              You heard me, Coltrane.



              Did you just call me "Coltrane"?


              You didn't?



              But if I did...

              you wouldn't be able to do anything about it, would you?

              You don't think so?

              No, I don't.

              Listen, Royal

              if you think you can march in here...

              You want to talk some jive?

              I'll talk some jive.

              I'll talk some jive like you've never heard.

              -Oh, yeah? -Right on!

              Sit down. What?!

              Wh-what did you say?

              I said sit down, goddamn it!

              Oh, I heard you! I want you out of my house!

              This is not your house!

              I want your raggedy ass out!

              Don't talk semantics with me.

              Oh, this is not your...

              What's going on here?



              Hello, I'm calling in regards to a Dr. McClure... yes...

              at Colby General.

              The name of the patient is Royal Tenenbaum.


              Is that a Tic-Tac?

              How much is he paying you?

              I don't know what you're talking about.

              Well, I grew up with the Tenenbaum family, you know.


              Across the street.


              They've fallen on hard times now, haven't they?

              I can't say no.

              This is bullshit.

              Change it, huh?

              What did you do to your hand?

              Uh, nothing.

              Can we get somebody over here

              to kill these mice for us?

              No. They belong to Chas.

              Or anyway, he invented them.

              Well, get him to stick them in a fucking cage

              or something.

              Etheline... mind coming up here for a minute, please?

              What's cooking, Pops?

              You'll see.

              Now, your previous novel...

              Yes. "Wildcat".


              Not a success.


              Well, "Wildcat" was written in a kind of obsolete


              "Wildcat". . .

              "Wild". . . "cat". . .

              "Wildcat". . .

              I'm going to go.

              I'm taking this off and I'm going.

              Stepping out.

              What the hell kind of way to act is that?

              Open the door.

              He's on drugs.

              I'll be right back.

              James Bradley...

              Hold on a minute, please.

              What's going on?

              Pagoda has something to say.

              He has a cancer.

              No, he doesn't.

              I know what stomach cancer looks like.

              I've seen it.

              And you don't eat

              three cheeseburgers a day with French fries if you got it.

              The pain is excruciating.

              How would you know?

              My wife had it.

              Not only is there no Dr. McClure at Colby General

              there is no Colby General.

              It closed in     .

              Aw, shit, man.

              Oh, shit, man.

              Yes, can you send a taxi

              to     Archer Avenue right away, please?

              Thank you.

              I guess we're back out on the street, huh, pal?

              Were you part of this, Pagoda?

              Of course he was.

              No, well, yeah, he was

              but, I mean, he wasn't "that" involved.

              Where'd you get all these medical supplies?

              A guy at St. Pete's owed me a favour.

              I did some malpractice work for him.

              I do have high blood pressure, though.

              Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one.

              But I just want to say, the last six days have been

              the best six days of probably my whole life.

               Immediately after  making this statement

               Royal realised "that i t was true".

              Why'd you do this to us, Royal?

              What was the point?

              I thought I could win you back.

              And then I thought I could get rid of Henry...

              and at least keep the status quo.

              But we hadn't spoken in seven years.

              I know.

              Plus, uh...

              I was broke.

              And I got kicked out of my hotel.

              You're a bastard.

              Good-bye, Royal.

              Take it easy on those boys, Chassie.

              I don't want this to happen to you.

              You know, Richie, this illness, this closeness to death

              has had a profound effect on me.

              I-I feel like a different person, I really do.

              Dad, you were never dying.

              But I'm going to live.

              He's not your father.

              Neither are you.

              You son of a bitch!

              God... damn...

              That's the last time you put a knife in me, hear me?

              The    th Street Y, please.

              Everyone's against me.

              It's your fault, man.

              Yeah, I know, but damn it, I want this family to love me.

              How much money you got?

              I don't have.

              What, you're broke?

              You got to be kidding me.

              How are we going to pay for this room?

              All right, we'll think of something.


              I'm not in love with you anymore.

              I didn't know you ever were.

              Let's not make this any more difficult

              than it already is.


              Okay, what?

              Okay, I'm not in love with you, either.

              Yes, I know; you're in love with Richie

              which is sick, and gross.

              Do you send my mother your clippings...

              and your grades from college?

              Please stop belittling me.

              You never gave me the time of day

              till I started getting good reviews.

              Your reviews aren't that good.

              But the sales are.

              Gentlemen... how much do you already know?

              Very little, I'm afraid.

              Would you like to examine the report?


              Jackie is a punk, Judy is a runt

              They both went down to Berlin, joined the Ice Capades

              And, oh, I don't know why

              Oh, I don't know why

              Perhaps they'll die, oh, yeah

              Perhaps they'll die

              Oh, yeah

              Perhaps they'll die, oh, yeah

              Perhaps they'll die, oh, yeah

              Second verse, same as the first

              Jackie is a punk, Judy is a runt

              They both went down to Berlin, joined the Ice Capades

              And, oh, I don't know why

              Oh, I don't know why

              Perhaps they'll die, oh, yeah

              Perhaps they'll die

              Oh, yeah

              Perhaps they'll die, oh, yeah

              Perhaps they'll die, oh, yeah

              Third verse, different from the first

              Jackie is a punk...

              She smokes.


              All right, well.

              Everything seems to be in order.

              I'll contact you in the next    hours.

              I appreciate that.

              Uh, which way are you leaning, by the way?

              I'll inform you of my decision

              at the appropriate time.

              I get it.

              Uh, Dusty, put in a good word for us, will you?

              I already did.

              You want to play some word games

              or do some experiments on me or anything?


              Your hand on his arm

              Haystack charm

              Around your neck

              Strung out and thin

              Calling some friend, trying to cash some cheque

              He's acting dumb

              That's what you've come... to expect

              Needle in the hay

              Needle in the hay

              Needle in the hay

              Needle in the hay

              He's wearin' your clothes

              Head down to toes

              A reaction to you

              You say you know what he did

              But you idiot kid

              You don't have a clue

              Sometimes they just

              Get caught in the eye

              You're pulling him through

              Needle in the hay

              Needle in the hay...

              I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.

              Needle in the hay

              Needle in the hay.

              Dudley, where is he?


              He'll probably sleep for several hours

              and then I'll come back to check on him.

              All right?

              How are you feeling?

              Fine, thanks.

              Are you in any pain?

              Not really.

              Why'd you try to kill yourself?

              Don't press him right now.

              I wrote a suicide note.

              You did?


              Right after I regained consciousness.

              Can we read it?


               Can you paraphrase it for us?

                I don't think so.

                Is it dark?

                Of course it's dark.

                It's a suicide note.

                All right, that's enough.

                Doctor said to let him sleep.


                Cover for us, will you, Dusty?

                Yes. Yes, Royal.

                You've made a cuckold of me.

                I know.

                Many times over.

                I'm sorry.

                And you nearly killed your poor brother.

                What's he talking about?

                It doesn't matter.

                She's balling Eli Cash.

                Oh, my goodness.

                May I have a cigarette?


                Shall I repeat the question?

                You don't smoke.

                I know that.

                And a light.

                "Au revoir".

                How long have you been a smoker?


                Well, I think you should quit.

                How can I help?

                Let me look at these forms.

                Oh, Henry.

                Richie Tenenbaum, please.

                Your name?

                Royal Tenenbaum.

                I'm afraid visiting hours are over, sir.

                Wh-Wh-What does it say there... they don't want me?

                I-I'm sorry.

                I have to refer you to Dr. Burrows.

                He'll be in tomorrow afternoon.

                We could shimmy up that gutter

                jump over that window ledge

                and then, uh, pry open that ventilator shaft.

                There he is.



                Where's he going?


                Well, I have to say

                he didn't look half bad for a suicide.

                Attempted, anyway.



                Give me second grace


                Give me a second face

                I've fallen far down

                The first time around

                Now I just sit on the ground in your way


                If it's time for recompense

                For what's done...

                Who's there?


                Come sit down on the fence in the sun...


                And the clouds will roll by

                And we'll never deny...

                W-What are you doing in my tent?

                Just listening to some records.

                Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?

                I checked myself out.

                How many stitches did you get?

                I don't know.

                You want to see?

                They seem to stay for day after day

                And won't disappear...


                I tried every way...

                Richie, that looks horrible.

                I heard about your ex-husband.


                I guess so.

                I didn't get his name.


                I met him in the ocean.

                I was swimming

                and he came out to me in a canoe.

                We were only married nine days.

                And I heard about Eli.

                I know.

                Poor Eli.

                Anyway, we mostly just talked about you.

                You did?


                I guess that was the attraction, if you know what I mean.

                She smiled sweetly

                She smiled sweetly

                And says don't worry...

                I have to tell you something.

                What's that?

                I love you.

                I love you, too.

                There's no use tryin'

                You're here

                Begin again

                And o'er again

                That's what she said so softly...

                I can't stop thinking about you.

                I went away for a year, and it only got worse

                and I don't know what to do.

                Let's lie down for a minute.

                She smiled sweetly

                She smiled sweetly...

                This is the sleeping bag

                we took to the museum, isn't it.


                Oh, no, no, no...

                Why'd you do it?

                Because of me?

                Yeah, but it's not your fault.

                You're not going to do it again, are you?

                I doubt it.

                She would never say

                Where she came from...

                Yesterday don't matter

                If it's gone

                While the sun is bright

                Or in the darkest night

                No one knows...

                I think we're just going to have to be

                secretly in love with each other

                and leave it at that, Richie.

                Good-bye, Ruby Tuesday

                Who could hang a name on you?

                When you change with every new day

                Still I'm gonna miss you...

                Lobby floor.

                Thank you, sir.

                Going up?


                What floor, sir?

                Doesn't matter.

                So, you're elevator operators now?

                Yeah, just started.

                We'll get a bump as soon as we join the union.

                What made you decide to do that?

                We're broke.

                But in answer to your question

                I wanted to prove

                I could pay my dues, and whatnot.

                I just hope somebody notices.

                You asked me why I choked out there that day.

                I think I may know the answer

                and I wanted your advice.


                Margot Tenenbaum?


                Well, since when?

                Since always.

                Does she know?


                Well, what does she feel about that?

                I think she feels confused.

                Well, I can understand that.

                It's probably illegal.

                I don't think so.

                We're not related by blood.

                That's true.

                Still frowned upon.

                But then, what isn't these days, right?

                I don't know, maybe it works.

                Why not, what the hell.

                You love each other.

                Nobody knows what's going to happen, so...

                You know something.

                Don't listen to me.

                I never understood her myself.

                I never understood any of us.

                I wish I could tell you what to do

                but I just can't.

                That's okay.

                No, it's not.

                You still consider me your father?

                Sure, I do.

                I wish I had more to offer in that department.

                I know you do, Pop.

                I don't blame you, by the way.

                Uh, she's a great-looking girl

                and smart as a whip.


                Stephanie says that she wants to know

                Why she's given half her life

                To people she hates now...

                Holy shit.

                You came back.

                Jiminy crickets.

                That damn bird must have radar in its brain.

                Is that true, Mordecai?

                I-I'm not so sure this is Mordecai.

                What do you mean?

                He flew right in here.

                This bird has much more white feathers on him.

                Oh, the son of a bitch must be molting.

                Oh. I need your help with something else.

                You got it. What's the situation?

                Well, um, I think Eli maybe...

                Hold it.

                Pagoda, meet me in the lobby.

                Let's hit it.

                I didn't mean right this second, but... that's okay.

                I don't think it was Ramses.

                I believe it was Tootinkamen.



                Yes. Tutankhamen.


                Hey, Richie.

                We want to take you to get some help.

                Is itjust you guys?

                Would you

                excuse us, please?


                Are we still friends?

                What do you mean?

                Are we?

                Of course.

                How can you even ask me that?

                Well, it doesn't matter.

                It doesn't matter?

                It "does" matter.

                I heard about you and Margot.

                I'm sorry.

                I don't know what to say.

                You don't have to say anything.

                I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know.

                Me, too.

                Me, too.

                'Cause it doesn't mean

                what it used to though, does it?

                I wish he'd done this for me when I was a kid.

                But you didn't have a drug problem then.

                Yeah, but it would've meant a lot to me.

                Anyway, I'm glad you're here now.

                I recognise that I have a problem...

                and I want to get better.

                I'll just grab my stuff.

                There he goes.


                There he goes.


                Skiddly, skiddly.

                Christmastime is here

                Happiness and cheer...

                I'd like to order some ice cream for my daughter, please.

                What would you like, Margot?

                Nothing. I told you I have to go in five minutes.


                I'll have a butterscotch sundae, I guess.

                Your brother's all torn up inside.

                Well, so am I, but I'm not going to discuss it with you.


                Can't somebody be a shit their whole life

                and try to repair the damage?

                I-I mean, I think people want to hear that.

                Do they?


                You probably don't even know

                my middle name.

                That's a trick question.

                You don't have one.


                That was my mother's name.

                I know it was.

                Anybody interested in grabbing a couple burgers

                and hitting the cemetery?

                I got something for you, Ethel.

                Actually, I made it.

                What's this?

                It's a divorce.

                From you?


                This is Sanchez.

                He's a notary public.

                -Hello. -Hello, sir.

                You just sign here

                and initial here and sign there.

                You own this building, don't you, Henry?


                It's magnificent.

                I used to be a homeowner myself

                until our son expropriated it from me.

                I got to catch my bus.

                Thanks, Sanchez.

                You're welcome.

                Are we divorced?


                Sanchez just has to file the papers.

                I love you, Etheline.

                Congratulations to both of you.

                I didn't think so much of him at first.

                But now I get it.

                He's everything that I'm not.

                Take back Pagoda, will you?

                Uh, slightly uneven.

                Looks okay. You're just nervous.


                Hello, Richie.


                This is my son, Walter Sherman.

                Hi, Walter. Nice to meet you.

                Nice to meet you.

                Henry's your dad?


                So you've been married before.

                Yes. I'm a widower.

                Oh, yeah.

                I forgot.

                You know, I'm a widower myself.

                I know you are, Chas.

                What are you chewing on?

                My nicotine inhaler.

                It's supposed to help me quit.

                Is it working?

                Not really.

                Well, of course, I'm half Hebrew

                but the children are three-quarters Mick Catholic.

                So they were raised in the church?

                I believe so.

                I really don't know.

                Here I come.


                What was that?

                Eli just crashed his car into the front of the house.

                Oh, my God.

                Where's my shoe?

                Ari, Uzi, where are you?

                They're okay, Chas.

                It's okay. They're safe.

                They're safe.

                Dad, they ran over Buckley.


                Yeah, I think we lost Buckley.

                He saved them.


                Dad. He pulled them out of the way.

                You did?

                Did I hit anyone?

                Is everybody okay?


                What's going on?



                Hey, man.

                You should try this. It's very tasty.



                Did I hit the dog?


                Is he dead?


                I need help.

                So do I.

                Go around to the other side.

                You kids stay there.

                We'll be right back.


                Can I say something to you, Henry?


                I've always been considered an asshole

                for about as long as I can remember.

                That's just my style.

                But I'd really feel blue

                if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.

                I don't think you're an asshole, Royal.

                I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.

                Well, I really appreciate that.

                Could you let us in your backyard, ma'am?

                We've got a couple boys back there.

                I think you may have broken an ankle.

                Well, that's not terribly serious, is it?

                Do you have an alternate?



                Are there priests on call?

                Why don't you bring the car around, Anwar.

                At which point, I apparently lost control of the vehicle

                smashed it into the house, and killed that poor dog.

                You're Eli Cash.

                Yes indeed, I am.

                I love your work.

                Oh, how sweet of you to say.

                  -   Code Six.

                    North Sandler...

                I think he's part mutt.

                What kind of papers do you have for him?

                Spark Plug, sit, sit.

                Good boy.

                Put this on.

                What's so funny, Dudley?

                You look great.

                Can you see out of it?

                Not really.

                Uh-huh. Minor corneal damage.

                Page me if it spreads to the other eye.

                Who do I make it out to?

                Alex? Okay.

                But these aren't structure- bearing elements, Dad.

                It doesn't matter.

                It's still best to file another force majeure

                and recoup the deductible.

                You boys come up here with me.

                But Buckley's still under there.

                I know, but there's nothing we can do for him at the moment.

                Come on.

                I got you a new dog for the boys.

                I just bought him.

                You did?

                Sorry I let you down, Chas.

                All of you.

                I been trying to make it up to you.

                What's his name?

                Spark Plug.

                Thank you.

                You're welcome.

                I've had a rough year, Dad.

                I know you have, Chassie.


                See, now he has

                more white feathers on his neck.

                I wonder what happened to him?

                I don't know.

                Sometimes if a person has a traumatic experience

                their hair turns white.

                Well, I'm sure he'll get over it.

                This was one of my first hiding places.

                How old do you think those are?

                I'd say about ten years.

                Come here.

                 Royal dug a hole for Buckley  behind the garden shed

                 and buried him "in a canvas duffel bag".

                All right, boys.

                Say a prayer.

                Dear Heavenly Father...

                I do.

                 Etheline and Henry were married

                    hours later "in judge 's chambers".

                 Margot 's new play was produced "at the Cavendish Theatre".

                This is my adopted daughter, Elaine Levinson.

                 It ran for just under two weeks "and recei ved mixed reviews".

                Yes, can the boy tell time?

                Oh, my Lord, no.

                No. No.

                 Raleigh and Dudley  went on a lecture tour

                 to    uni versi ties

                 in the promotion "of their new book".

                 Eli checked himself into  a rehabili tation hospi tal

                "in North Dakota".

                Oh, hey, this is my sponsor, Runs With Two Horses.

                Wind's blowing up a gale today.

                This is the grip that Rod Laver used.

                Are you familiar with Laver?

                 Richie started a program

                 teaching competi ti ve tennis  to eight-to-  -year-olds

                "at the    th Street Y".

                Game. Change sides.

                 Royal had a heart attack "at the age of   ".

                 Chas rode wi th him  in the ambulance

                 and was the only wi tness "to his father 's death".

                 In his will, he stipulated

                 that his funeral "take place at dusk".

                 Among the few possessions  he left to his heirs

                 was a set "of"Encyclopedia Britannica

                 in storage  at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel

                 under the names "Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum".

                 No one spoke at the funeral

                 and Father Petersen 's leg "had not yet mended". . .

                 but i t was agreed among them

                 that Royal  would have found the event

                "to be most satisfactory".




                We shall walk again

                All along the lane

                Down the avenue

                Just like we used to

                With our heads so high

                Smile at passersby

                And we'll softly sigh


                Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone

                Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone

                By the winding stream

                We shall lay and dream

                And these dreams come true

                If we want them to

                Yes, all will come

                Playing pipes and drum

                Sing a happy song

                Yeah, we'll sing along

                Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone

                Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone

                We shall walk again

                All along down the lane

                Down the avenue

                Just like we used to

                With our heads so high

                Smile at passersby

                And we'll softly sigh

                Ai-yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi

                Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone

                Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone

                Yeah, yeah, hey, yeah.


Special help by SergeiK