Runaway Bride Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Runaway Bride script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Julia Roberts and Richard Gere movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Runaway Bride. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Runaway Bride Script

            [Male Singer]   I have climbed the highest mountain  

              I have run through the fields  

              Only to be with you  

              Only to be with you  

              I have run, I have crawled  

              I have scaled these city walls  

              These city walls  

              Only to be with you  

              But I still haven't found  

              What I'm looking for  

              But I still haven't found  

              What I'm looking for  

            [Man] Fisher, pick up.

            Fisher, it's me! Fisher, pick up!

            I'm late, come on, come on. I need to bounce some ideas off you.

            Mine are all boring, done it, been there.

            Hey, Ike!

            When are you guys gonna stop waking me up every morning?

            When your column stops putting me to sleep.

            - Funny, funny. - Yo, Jonah!

            Fisher, come on! Are you really not there?

            All right, cool. I'll talk to you later.

            Excuse me. I'm thinking of doing an article about limousines.

            What do you think about people who've never been in one?

            I don't know people like that.

            I need someone to bounce some ideas off of and get the juices flowing.

            I got one hour,    minutes,    seconds.

            Hey, Ike! When are you gonna put me in a column?

            - When your T-shirts stop shrinking. - [Woman] Shrinks?

            -Funny. He's kidding. He's just kidding. -Oh, forget it.

            - Here, give me $ . Give me $ . - [Woman] No way.

            Folks, I got nice shirts here. Look!

            "I love everybody. You're next."

             [Female Singing]

            So what's in store for us in tomorrow's column?

            [Groans] I don't know yet.

            I'm, uh, kind of a last-minute man.

            You know, till an hour or two before deadline, I don't get any ideas.

            So you get your ideas for your column from life.

            Start up a conversation with a woman in a bar.

            Attack her dart playing and try to get a rise out of her...

            while you contemplate whether or not she's worth hitting on.

            No, I can't hit on you till I get an idea.

            Wh-- That's flattering.

            [Ike] No, you don't understand.

            I understand. See, my not responding to you baiting me...

            will inspire one of those bitter diatribes you like to write about women.

            [Ike]I don't write bitter diatribes about women.

            - Oh-ho. - Very often. I could.

            Only when the ideas aren't flowing, huh?

            It's so nice to meet you, one-minute man.

            It's last-minute man.


            Want to hear something funny? For a good-looking guy, you strike out a lot.

            - [Bartender] Have you noticed that? - [Phone Ringing]

            - I bet it's your ex-wife. - [Man] Excuse me.

            I've seen much worse.

            [Bartender] No, Ike's not here.

            I say, I've seen much worse.

            - I'll tell him when he comes in. - Excuse me?

            The brush-off.

            I've witnessed far more...

            treacherous and nefarious exits than that.

            At least she castigated you in private.

            Not as private as I thought. Kevin, you got some napkins there?

            - Wiping or writing? - I'll let you know.

            They love you. They hate you.

            They're hot. They're cold. They're high.

            They're up. They're down.

            This is fun making a list with you, but I do have a column to write.


            But you have yet to find a really superb idea.

            There's a girl from my hometown that you could write about.

            Excuse me, but we don't need any ideas.

            She likes to dump grooms at the altar. They call her the "Runaway Bride."

            She's performed the travesty seven or eight times.

            Turns around, runs like hell. Bolts. Adios.

            Plows down the aisle, knocking old ladies out of her way...

            Like the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona.

            And guess what! She's got the next victim all lined up.

            She's turning another body on the spit.

            [Ike] Okay, Italics, here we go.

            [Ike's Voice] Today is a day of profound introspection.

            I have been accused of using this column...

             to direct bitter diatribes at the opposite sex.

              This uncomfortable accusation...

              has plunged me into at least    minutes of serious reflection,

              from which I have emerged...

              with the conclusion that, yes, I traffic in female stereotypes.

              "But how can one blame me when every time I step out my front door,

              I meet fresh proof that the female archetypes are alive and well."

              "The mother, the virgin, the whore, the crone."

              "They're elbowing you in the subway, stealing your cabs,

              and overwhelming you with perfume in elevators."

              "But perhaps in fairness to the fairer sex,

              I do need to broaden my horizon and add some new goddesses to the pantheon."

              "I would like to nominate for deity the cheerleader, the coed...

              and the man-eater, the last of which concerns me most today."

              "In ancient Greece, this fearsome female was known as Erinys,

              the devouring death goddess."

              "In India, she is Kali,

              who likes to devour her boyfriend Shiva's entrails..."

              "while her yoni devours his dot, dot, dot... never mind."

              "In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed man-eater is called Ragma."

              You notice these are all countries without cable.

              "And in Hale, Maryland,

              where she helps run the family hardware store,

              she is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter, a.k.a. the Runaway Bride."

              "What is unusual about Miss Carpenter...

              is that she likes to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them."

              One antique hot-water handle with the "hot" still on it.

              Guaranteed to fit any American Standard cast-iron tub...

              with a four-inch center mount made between      and     .

              In other words, Mr. Paxton,

              I think you are out of the doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.


              I'll see you later. I'll put it on your charge.

              There's a possibility she hasn't seen this yet.

              Maybe she just hasn't picked up a paper. Know what I mean?

              - Or not. - [Man]Maggie?

              Earl, you don't need an air-conditioner. You need an attic fan.

              There's more in the back. Hey.


              So, Mag, you've seen this, huh?

              Yes, I've seen it.

              And it is the rudest,

              most offensive...

              joke anyone has ever played on me!

              You guys, how long did this take you? Where did you get it done?

              You're both creeps, by the way. I should "disinvite" you.

              Maggie, you told us no bachelorette jokes, so we didn't--

              Holy moly.

              - Bag. Bag! - She's going. She's gonna go!

              Here's the bag. Breathe!

              [Female Singer]   Ready, ready, ready, ready  

                Ready to run  

                All I'm ready to do is have some fun  


                What's all this talk about love  


              [Radio] On the local front, our town of Hale, Maryland,

              is still buzzing about the less-than-flattering article...

              about their native daughter, Maggie Carpenter.

              Her bridal exploits were taken to task...

              by New York columnist Ike Graham in USA Today.

              - Mr. Graham called her-- - [Radio Off]

              [Maggie's Voice] Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks.

              Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly...

              on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading.

              Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact?

              Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact?

              I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements...

              about how I dump men for kicks...

              to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting.

              Which is understandable, because with a man-eater like me on the loose,

              who has time to check facts?

              - Hey, Frances, lunch today? - No, I'm going to the bank.

              - Sure? - Sorry, Ike.

              - All right. Hey. - Hey.

              I'm going to put in a good word for you.

              Don't mention my name.

              [Maggie's Voice] That's why I was surprised to find...

              Mr. Graham's editor was a woman.

              Call me a sentimental fool, but I hoped we man-eaters could stick together.

              "Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note...

              to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice..."

              "that would satisfy my current appetite:

              "Ike Graham's column on a platter."

              "Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S.

              "I have enclosed a list of gross factual misrepresentations in your article.

              There are fifteen."

              [Ike] Funny. I like her.

              She's got spunk.

              Ike, look. She sent us this list. Our lawyers say it's actionable.


              I left you four messages. You don't return my calls.

              I never returned your calls. Even when we were married I didn't--

              -What's Fisher doing here? -Ellie asked me to offer moral support.

              Since when does Ellie need moral support?

              It's for you, Ike.

              What? What?

              Journalism lesson number one:

              If you fabricate your facts, you get fired.

              Lesson number two: Never work for your former spouse.

              That has nothing to do with it. You cooked this story up, and you know it!

              I did not cook anything up. I had a source.

              Someone reliable? Some boozehound in a bar?

              In vino veritas.

              Hey, hey, hey. Don't knock drunk guys in bars. It means they're not driving.

              Besides, lam a columnist.

              This is what columnists are supposed to do.

              It's what you like. We push, we stretch, we go out on a limb.

              That's what makes me good!

              No, that's what makes you unemployed.

              All right. Let's consider that my wrist has been slapped.

              There. Slap it. Go ahead, just--

              Slap my wrist. That's done.

              Just give me a call when you feel that I've served my time, and move on.

              This is permanent, Ike.

              If you go quietly, I'll get you severance pay.

              [Secretary] I'm sorry, Ike.

              [Train Whistle Blowing]

              [Crossing Bell Ringing]

              - [Maggie]Bob? Honey? - In the kitchen!

              Honey, she canned him! Honey?

              Bob, she canned him!

              - Yea! What are you talking about? - Listen, it's in the paper.

              - Try this on first. - Okay.

              I wanna read it to you, so come over this way.

              Ready? "Dear Maggie Carpenter:

              I apologize to you for this unfortunate matter.''

              Here it is. "Ike Graham's column will no longer be appearing in this paper.

              Best of luck in your upcoming marriage."

              Okay, this is the weight of the pack you'll be carrying in the Himalayas.

              - You let me know if it's too heavy. - Okay. Whoa!

              A little... yeah. Yeah, a little heavy, baby. [Laughing]

              [Screams, Laughs]

              [Phone Rings, Message Machine] Hi, it's me. Leave a message after the beep.

              If you want to leave a fax, buy me a fax machine.

              [Beeps] Ike, Fisher.

              Get up. I can turn this Runaway Bride story around.

              I'm doing a photo spread for G.Q. today by the convey or belt.

              Meet me. I'll save your tush.

              And since I do freelance stuff for G.Q. now, I have an idea.

              - What are you saying? - Vindication.

              How would you like some?

              A chance to prove that although your story wasn't entirely factual,

              your theory was correct.

              - The real story on Miss Carpenter. - All the gory details.

              Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

              [Fisher] And if she runs again, you got a cover story.

              [Male Singers]   Oh, here she comes  

                Watch out, boy she'll chew you up  

                Oh, here she comes  

                She's a man-eater  

                Oh, here she comes  

                Watch out, boy she'll chew you up  

                Oh, here she comes  

                She's a man-eater  

                She'll only come out at night  

                The lean and hungry type  

                Nothing is new I've seen her here before  

                Watching and waiting  

                She's seated with you but here yes are on the door  

                I wouldn't if I were you  

                I know what she can do  

               She's deadly, man She could really rip your world apart  

                Mind over matter  

                Oh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart  

              Here you go. Right upstairs to the left.

              Thanks. How late's the restaurant open?

              -  :   every night. - [Chuckles] That late, huh?

              [Maggie] Cindy, can you eighty-six Sprout?

              He's licking up all the petroleum distillates I'm trying to put in.

              Oh, sorry. She's an obedience school dropout.

              - [Sprout Barks] - Have a seat.

                [Barbershop Quartet Vocalizing]  


              Thank you. We'll see you, ladies and gentlemen, in the hotel on the weekend.

              You're a goddess. You're a goddess!

              [Into Tape Recorder] Shazam! I think I'm in Mayberry.

              [Maggie]I didn't have to change a gasket, just put in new hydraulic fluid.

              [Woman] Stop it! When you talk like that, it turns me on and frightens me.

              - Oh, you turn a girl's head. - [Laughing] Whoa!

              Excuse me. Hello?

              Excuse me. Could you help-- I'm looking for Maggie Carpenter.

              There was a, uh, note on the door of the hardware store across the street.

              - Are you a reporter? - What?

              It's just been our experience that...

              anyone who comes in here with tassels on his loafers...

              is a big-city reporter wanting to do an interview with Maggie.

              About her upcoming wedding and all.

              Actually about her getting that asshole from New York fired.

              I am just such a reporter. And who are you?

              - Peggy Flemming. Not the ice skater. - [Laughs]

              [Peggy] Come in, come in.

              [Ike] Who are these lovely ladies?

              Hi. I'm Cindy. Maggie's unmarried cousin.

              Mrs. Pressman. No relation. Oh, sorry.

              [Peggy] And you are?

              Looking... for Maggie.

              Maggie, someone to see you.

              I hope you've got a new angle because it's all pretty much been covered.

              Hold on. No one interviews Maggie in here without a haircut.

              Sorry, no. Just got one.

              [Mrs. Pressman] Excuse me, sir, I have a fact for you.

              - This is an actual fact. - Yes, Mrs. Pressman?

              This is actually her fourth wedding, not her seventh like they said.

              [Ike] I know. Tell me something. Do you think she's...

              - gonna make it all the way this time? - I don't know.


              She swallowed her gum. She does that.

              Mr. Schulian, he runs the newsstand. He's also our local bookie.

              He's given eight-to-one odds that she won't.


              Instead of a haircut, how 'bout a wash?

              Get all that city grit out of your hair.

              You'll answer my questions?


              Fine! You wash, I'll ask.

              So, what do you want to know?

              When is the big day?

              - A week from Sunday. - Let's put this here like this...

              because this aroma therapy can get a little strong.

              The lavender, we don't want to put you to sleep.

              [Ike] You nervous?

              I've never been more certain of anything in my life.

              Except I've been having all kinds of weird dreams.

              Mm-hmm. Would you like to tell me about 'em?

              Yeah, sure.

              - [Maggie] And another one. - Pete, I'll be right with ya.

              [Maggie] I go inside the church and everyone I know is there.

              The creepiest part is I look down at my dress, and it's red!

              I don't know what that means. Red is not my color.

              What do you think?

              - I think you'd look good in red. - No, no.

              She means about your hair.

              [Peggy Chuckles]

              My jacket, please.

              Thank you.

              Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can get some shampoo? Strong shampoo?

              Doc's pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell 'em Pete sent ya.

              You want my hat?

              No, no, I'm fine. You might need it.

              Mr. Graham, if you're looking for Elm Street, it's that way.

              Thank you.

              If you came down here in the pursuit of happiness, you might as well go back...

              because you can't make me feel bad.

              I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm here for vindication.

              In my heart, I feel I'm right about you.


              You got me fired, lady.

              You destroyed my reputation, and you screwed up my hair.

              You chew up men, spit 'em out and love it.

              You're gonna do the same thing to this poor schmuck number four...

              that you did to the previous three.

              You're gonna run again.

              And I'm not leaving until you do.

              I'd love to stay and chat, but I still have my job.

              Hey, kid, kid, kid, wait a minute.

              - Give you ten bucks for the hat. - Sure!

              That's right.


              [Bob Chuckles]

              I'm telling you, that is a photo opportunity.

              When I only see one dog, I know I've had too much to drink.

              Hey, you'll never guess...

              who came crawling into town with his tail between his legs.

              [Walter] Who?

              Hello, Maggie.

              [Ike] I just came over to apologize to your family.

              When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

              I pushed a story. I made a mistake.

              In other words, he's only human. And he brought us a bottle of wine.

              -Made me put my hat back on. -Yeah. It scared the hell outta Skipper.


              You've gotta be kidding me.

              No, no. You should've seen Skipper. He was like-- [Barks]


              It wasn't that... funny.

              Actually, it's been quite amusing.

              Walter, here, has been sharing his father of the bride wedding memories.

              You know what?

              I think I'll take this to the kitchen. [Mouthing Words]

              I'll help you bring it in... to the kitchen.

              - Check on the crabs, Bob. - Okay.

              -[Whispers] Is he staying for dinner? -I don't know.

              I hope they don't have a fight. You don't think they'd call it off, do you?

              Wedding cake freezes. This we know. [Chuckles]

              - You know, your daughter is such-- - [Gasps] Oh, I'm sorry.

              No, no, that's all right, Grandma. That's fine.

              She's such a lovely girl.

              Yeah. Well, like her mother. Look.

              May she rest in peace.

              We were all so proud of Maggie when she was in school.

              She won that American Legion scholarship to college.

              She studied industrial design.

              I can't see her leaving multiple grooms in the dust like that.

              Oh, yes, you can. She's got it all on tape.

              - Tape? - Yeah, they're all right there.

              You got tapes of the wedding?

              Lee, at the hotel, videos weddings.

              Course Maggie didn't know she was gonna be running the    -yarddash.

              - I gotta say, she makes real good time. - Bingo!

              Maggie may not be Hale's longest running joke,

              but she is certainly the fastest.

              Ha, ha.

              Maggie's mom and I were only blessed with one child,

              not for a lack of trying.

              This is good, Dad. Don't leave anything out.

              I consider it a bonus...

              [Skipper Barks]

              that I'm actually able to plan and pay for so many weddings.

              Not this one. This one's on me.

              Oh! That's fair.

              I don't do it on purpose, and I have no intentions of doing it again.

              That's right, Maggie. Just keep your eye on the ball.

              Sports psychology.

              Bob is the head of the P.E. department at the high school.

              And he coaches the football team. And he's climbed Everest.

              - Everest? Is it true? - [Maggie] Twice.

              Without oxygen.

              - My girl, she likes to brag about me. - I do.

              Maggie's training for our wedding night.

              I'm taking her trekking on Annapurna for our honeymoon.

              - Oh, how romantic! - We think so.

              Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed with two Sherpas and a yak.


              Hey, Ike, how's it going?

              You won't believe what I'm looking at here. I got a video...

              of all three train wrecks.

              [Chavez] Here's my bride, who's my pride.

              I'll never hide when she's by my side.

              This is for you, Maggie, my "Sugar Magnolia."

              [Ike] You want the truth? You want the facts? I got 'em.

              I'll send you a copy of the notes.

              Good weekend reading for you.

              Love to Ellie. Okay, bye.

              [Male Singer]   Sweet blossom come on  

                Under the willow  

                We can have high times if you'll abide  

                We can discover the wonders of nature  

                Rolling in the rushes down by the riverside  

                She's got everything delightful  

                She's got everything I need  

                Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double  

                Pays my ticket when I speed  

              [Music Stops]

              Okay, preacher man, let's go!

              -[Chavez] Maggie, where're you goin'? -[Maggie] Sam!

              -[Maggie]Sam. Get back on the bike. -Okay. How was the wedding?

              Shorter than we planned. Just go.

              [Chavez] Okay, peace, baby.

              [Video Fast-Forwarding]


              [Female Singer]   ["Ave Maria"]

              [Concerned Murmuring]

              -[Man] Where is she going? -[Woman] Look, she's leaving.

              - [Woman # ] She forgot her purse. - No, she didn't forget her purse.

              [Walter] Go after her! Do something!

              [Chuckles] I don't believe this.

              [Minister] Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today--


              Could we hold the horse, please? What's wrong with the horse?

              The horse seems more jittery than the bride.

              I like the white tuxedo.

              Yeah, but he's no good 'cause he's too blond.

              All right. Then we just go with something very traditional.

              He's handsome. Maybe a little too dark for Bob.

              Yeah, but he's got the "Bobster's" eyes.

              No, no, no, no. The Bobster's eyes are closer set. Yeah.

              - Hello! Hi. - Hi.

              -Could I have two cups of coffee? And-- -Yes.

              [Sniffs] Mmm. What is that wonderful smell?

              Oh, the cinnamon rolls!

              - Could I have two of those? Thank you. - Yeah, sure.

              Okay. Uh, Maggie, I think this makes the best you.

              [Whispering] Okay.

              Oh, let's see. Look at that.

              Excuse me.

              Oh, look at that.

              Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

              Ow, ow, ow! Help me! Help me!

              [Sighs] Yep, that'd be her.

              You must be that Mr. Graham fella.

              - Yes, I am! And you are? - [Laughing]

              - I'm Betty Trout. - Hi, Betty!

              Okay, I guess you'll be the one making the cake.

              Yes, I am. Sure.

              I'm also told that you will be throwing--

              I'm throwing the luau for Maggie.

              Pre-wedding luau!

              If you're still in town, you should stop by.

              No, no, he doesn't want to come.

              I'd love to come. [Bell Rings]

              I will be there. Thank you.

              Is that what you're going to do now? Follow me around everywhere I go?


              I'll be back, Betty.

              Bye, Mr. Graham.

              - He's not a nice person. - Well, I know.

              That's my pick. The eyes are perfect.

              [Cheerleaders] We always win. We never fail.

              We're the Comets, so go to Hale!   Let's go, Comets  

                Let's go Let's go, Comets, let's go  

              - Hi, Miss Carpenter. - Hey, Kendall.

              Maggie, don't marry Coach. Marry me. I love you.

              You're jail bait, Dennis. Go away. Go away. Run your laps. Go, go!

              [Bob] Drive, drive, drive! From the hips!

              Keep it low now, keep it low!

              [Whistle Blows] Good job, gentlemen. All right, special teams.

              Special teams.

              - Hey, honey, how are you? - Good.

              What is he up to now?

              Ike just dropped by to check out the team.

              And to talk about you!

              - Ahh! - Yes!

              You aren't making friends with this man, are you?

              I'm just bragging about how good you are.

              - And how I'm the luckiest man alive. - Mm-hmm!


              Well, I better be moving.

              Got a lot of work to do today.

              - See you two lovebirds later. - See you at the weddin'.

              - Yeah. Thanks for the jacket. - You invited him to the wedding?

                Go, go, Comets Let's go  

              Don't you realize he's writing another article about me?


              But you're not runnin'. Come on. Give me some of that homemade sunshine.

              Boys, take my princess for a ride on her chariot.

              Oh, my-- [Laughing]

              Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

              My last confession was-- Well, anyway.

              I have sort of a technical question.

              I've been having bad thoughts.


              - Of an impure nature? - No, no.

              I want to destroy this man's life, career, everything. I want revenge!

              Now, on the sin scale, howbadis that?

              Can I... "Hail Mary" my way out of that?

              -My child, any sin in one's heart is a-- -The name is Maggie.

              It was this side of ten years ago you had your tongue down my throat.

              So don't "my child" me, Brian, okay? It annoys me.

              Maggie, don't get so upset.

              Hey, hey! Don't-- Brian, talk to me. I need to talk to you.

              Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

              You're not even Catholic so you really shouldn't be here.

              I'm sorry. I'm just so stressed out about this slimeball reporter.

              And I wanted to come and tell you that he might stop by here...

              and ask you all kinds of ridiculous questions.

              Well, he only actually asked me one ridiculous question.

              The rest weren't so bad.

              What? Oh, you talked to him?

              Did you tell him we dated before you were a priest?

              Of course. I think I only did you good.

              W-What exactly did he ask?

              - Am I too late, Father? - No, no.

              - It won't take long. Just two venials. - Okay.

              Um, just respectful things.

              What kind of music did you like? What did we have in common?

              Did you ruin my life when you left me at the altar?

              Uh, what did you say?

              I said, you know, how could I be angry...

              when this is clearly as God intended for it to be for me?

              Good one! Thanks.

              But, actually, it's, it's really, really how I feel.

              Of course. God, yes.

              Not... [Whispers] God.

              [Whispers] Sorry.

              I better go. The man is a lunatic.

              But I think I know exactly where he's going next.

              [Whispering] God bless.

              Oh! Purse.

              Forgot my purse.

              Hi, sorry. Purse.

              Good luck.

              What was the one ridiculous question that he asked?

              He wanted to know how you liked your eggs.

              Oh, weird.

              Like a person's gonna remember after all this time.

              Scrambled with salt, pepper and dill. Same as me.

              I'm sorry I hurt you, Brian.

              Maggie, I'm happy now... here. It's where I'm supposed to be.

              But... if you ever do decide to become a Catholic, will you do me this favor?

              Confess to Father Patrick.

              Of course.

              - Gill? Lydia? - Mags!

              Hey, look, the tape. Remember?

              Radio City Music Hall concert...

              when Jerry was on "Ripple," and I'm going like, "Dude, let me jam."

              - Gill, listen-- - I'll play it for you.

              - You remember, Maggie. You were there. - Can you focus on me?

              There's this reporter who's making my life a living hell.


              And whatever you do,

              do not show him that picture of me from the concert in San Francisco.

              - Okay? Can you-- - [Ike Laughing]

              - What is that? - Uh-- Wait. San Francisco?

              But we went there a few times. There's a lot of pictures.

              Which picture? Because one time we had a flat tire. Remember?


              Maggie Carpenter topless in a public arena.

              Mmm. Oh, yeah.

              I see it was a very chilly evening.


              What's really interesting about this, though,

              is that you can't see that rose tattoo...

              - on your back. - [Chuckles]

              Oh, yeah. Ike bet me    bucks that you don't still have it.

              I said, "You're on, man. Maggie loved that thing."

              And, seriously, I mean, I could use    bucks.

              - Mm-hmm. - Maggie?


              Look, I'm not gonna show you guys anything.

              I am a soon-to-be-married woman. So just give me the photograph!

              I would love to give you this. Believe me, I would.

              Just give us a quick gander at that rose,

              and I'll gladly turn it over to you.

              Fine. Fine. Okay, fine.

              Okay? All right?

              - [Clears Throat] Satisfied? - Completely.

              - Maggie, you got it removed? - Gill--

              Gill, I'll go you double or nothing it was a stick on.


              Gill, I am...

              really, really...

              afraid of needles.

              - But that doesn't make me a bad person. - Look.

              Look! Look!

              I think this man is heartbroken.

              - No, he's not. - I think I am.

              No, you're, you're not!

              You have your guitar, and you have Lydia. You're not--


              We'll talk about this later. Okay?

              Hey, Ike?

              - What would Jerry do? - He'd play.

              -Jerry would play! - He would play!

              Well, there's Ike...

              with the mayor and the police chief.

              Boy, he sure makes friends easy.

              That's pretty cool.

              - Oh, yeah! - That's right!

              - Hey, you're that reporter, right? - Yeah.

              There he is again!

              Snoop Doggy Dogg!

              - I'm going to marry Maggie someday. - Oh, really?

              He's an attractive man.

              The vicious reporter is attractive? You're saying viciousness is attractive?

              No, I'm not saying viciousness is attractive.

              He's coming.

              I better go--

              No, no, no. Don't leave. Uh, act natural.

              - Okay. - He can probably read lips.

              The famous Swenson triplets. Gimme   . Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done.

              - I will handle this. - Don't move your lips! Okay? Go on.

              I will handle this! I won't say anything.

              - Okay. - I'll handle it.

              Yeah, Cory!

              - Hey, Peggy Flemming! - Hey.

              - Not the ice skater. - That's Maggie's seat.

              Yes, and this must be her beer too.

              - [Cory]Hey! - Hey, sweetie!

              [Ike] That your husband out here?

              - Yeah. - This is Cory? Cory Flemming?

              He's a radio announcer here, isn't he?

              Yeah, that's right. Have you heard his morning show, "Wake up with Flemm"?

              Not yet.

              [Grandma Over P.A.]Now up, Atlantic Hotel's Lee Mistlehorne.

              He actually made the all-stars in high school.

              Really? You must be proud of him.

              I didn't really know him back then.

              He was actually dating Maggie... at the time.

              I mean, he never really-- They were never gonna...

              get engaged or anything, it was just like, you know.

              Sometimes he'd call her Magpie, and it was really irritating.

              But-- I don't know why I'm telling you this.

              No, this is good.

              - He's stealing third! - Yes!

              [Bob] Safe.


              Yes! Yes! Whoo!


              - I love it! - Uh-huh!

              - Good one! - Magpie!



              It's nice that they're... still friends.

              Yeah, I mean, that was just a long time ago. And, you know, it's just--

              So-- Excuse me.

              - You all right? - Yeah!

              [Grandma Over P.A.] That makes it Alumni, nine, Hale students, eight.

              - Hey, Peggy? - Hey!

              [Grandma] Cookies for today's game were donated by Betty Trout.

              Now up for the Comets, Jordan Hill.

              You have been here, what, like three minutes?

              What did you do to her?

              -You could just turn that finger around. -Excuse me?

              Oh, Cory, Cory, Cory! Pow, pow, pow, pow. What is this about?

              You know what? We have all been friends our entire lives.

              A type of relationship that you obviously don't understand.

              I'm not the only one who does not understand.

              The U.S.S. Maggie leaves quite a wake.

              Excuse me.

              Pot-stirrer man.

              [Grandma] Cory Flemming to Lee Mistlehorne to Dr. Ettinger.

              Hey. All right.

              That's cheering. I'm cheering normal.

              Cheer. Normal.

              - [Woman] Good morning, Peggy. - Good morning.

              Do you think I flirt with Cory?

              Good morning to you too. You look good.

              Thank you.

              Do you think I flirt with Cory?

              - Yes. - I don't mean to.

              I know. I think sometimes you just sort of...

              spaz out with excess flirtatious energy,

              and it just lands on anything male that moves.

              Anything male that moves?

              As opposed to anything male that doesn't?

              Well, like certain kinds of coral.

              I'm definitely going to have to kill myself today.


              Because you think I'm all like, "Hey, man, check me out."

              No, I don't. I think you're like...

              "I'm charming and mysterious in a way that even I don't understand,

              and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you."

              It's very hard to compete with.

              Especially as... married women who've lost our mystery.

              Lost-- You have-- You are totally mysterious.

              No. I'm weird.

              Weird and mysterious are two very different things.

              - I'm weird. - No, you're quirky.

              Quirky and weird are two very different things.

              Peggy, I think there is a distinct possibility...

              that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.

              Despite that,

              I love you and I promise...

              to no longer flirt with Cory.

              Maggie, I'm not worried about you and Cory,

              or me and Cory,

              or you being irreversibly screwed up.

              Maggie, you've been like this since we were kids.

              And all I'm thinking is, now that you're aware of it,

              and that it hurts people's feelings sometimes,

              maybe it's time to get on with life, and commit to someone of your own,

              like Bob, if he's the one.

              I know.

              Is there anything I can do to... make it up to you?

              Well, there's always...

              the thing that brings warmth to my heart,

              and that is duckbill platypus.

              Duckbill-- That is only funny in like Camp Birchwood on...

              Just do it.

              a trip with the tent and my leg as the pole and it's raining.

              And you know. That's the only time that's funny.

              Let's just see.



              It's so humiliating.

              Thank you.

              Thank you.

              [Barbershop Quartet]   Farewell, ladies  

                Farewell, ladies We're going to leave you now  

                Merrily we roll along roll along, roll along  

              Lee. Hey, wake up. Hey!

              - Hello? - Hi.

              Gimme the key to the reporter's room. I wanna snoop around.

              - Come on, quick. Wake up. - Second floor.

              - Thank you. - Don't take anything big.




              Hopefully his favorite.

              [Fisher Over Cell Phone] My theory is she's running...

              because she gets negative attention.

              Negative attention is attention.

              You know, like when women whack you on the street because of your column.

              That's negative attention.

              We're talking about her negative attention, not mine.

              "How does she get all those guys to propose?

              She's not that beautiful.''

              Bite me, paperboy.

              Ah, hey! Hey!

              Hi, Ike.

              You put your shoes out at night, they're real shiny in the mornin'.

              - Sometimes they don't bring 'em back. - Mmm, why take a chance?

              Good night.

              All right. I know you're in there. I saw you.

              You realize you're messing with the First Amendment now.

              [Knocking On Door] Come on, open up.

              Come on!

              We should have a very serious discussion...

              about why you are such a pain in the ass!

              Open the door!

              I'm coming in. I'm coming through.

              It's your last chance. Here I come!

              Here I come!

              All right.

              Breaking and entering. That's a felony. I'm calling the sheriff.

              You know what? You do that.

              Can you remind him that's he's bringing the wine to the luau?

              [Whispering] It'll save me a call. Thanks so much.

              Hey, Ike, does your friend have a sister?

              Wait for the original. She'll be available in a week.


              [Maggie Crowing]

              [Crowing Continues]


              Freeze. Oh, hold on to those covers. I didn't come to see Ike Junior.

              [Sighs] I take it the desk clerk is one of your many admirers.

              So, your notes made for... interesting reading.

              What's your point?

              My point is, once again, you're getting it all wrong.

              And that's not gonna improve your reputation,

              and it's not very flattering to me either.

              So, I decided that I would help you write the truth.

              - [Chuckles] Really? - Mm-hmm.


              I've decided to cooperate and let you interview me...

              - for $    . - [Groans]

              I want a big wedding and a killer dress.

              And for a grand, I will answer all your questions and let you follow me around.

              The magazine does not spend money for stories.

              - It's not what you would call ethical. - Oh.

              I meant you.

              I figured you probably got severance or expenses or both.

              I'm guessing that you're writing on spec.

              And with a first-person interview, you might actually sell that thing.

              - Too much. - Seven-fifty.

              - Five hundred. - Six-fifty.


                [Ike Whistling Tune To "The Andy Griffith Show"]

              Is that supposed to be a joke? I know what you're whistling.

              - Hello. - Hi.

              This is a birthday present for my cousin.

              [Motor Whirring]

              [Chuckles] That's great.

              Wonderful stuff. All these found industrial parts and things.

              A lamp tree.

              That's great.

              - Is this-- That's your preferred logo? - I think so.

              It's nice. The whole thing is great.

              I think you could sell these lamps in New York.

              Maybe someday.

              - You afraid to try? - No, no. I'm not afraid.

              Just... someday.

              This is Brian.

              Oh, Father Brian.

              - And Gill's, of course. - Gill, yeah.

              And... George.

              He proposed at a butterfly farm in Saint Thomas.

              The ring was inside a cocoon.

              Ahh. A little too Silence of the Lambs for my taste, but--

              Well, he's an entomologist. I thought it was very unique.

              - And finally, Bob. - Mmm.

              He proposed during the seventh inning stretch...

              at an Oriole game.

              Wait, wait. Wait, don't tell me.

              The scoreboard lit up with "Marry me, Maggie."

              It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life.

              Highly suspect.

              What do you mean? It was incredibly romantic.

              Look, maybe it's just me, but...

              if you gotta dress it up like that, it just doesn't ring true.

              You know, l, I think the most...

              that anybody can honestly say is:

              "Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee...

              "at some point one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing.

              "But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine,

              "I'll regret it the rest of my life.

              "Because I know in my heart...

              you're the only one for me."

              I like it.

              I'd like it better on a scoreboard.

              So, is that what you said when you asked your wife to marry you?

              Don't look so surprised. You've got "divorce" written all over you.

              I'm a work-in-progress.

              So, is that what you said to her?

              No. I think I said something very eloquent like,

              "So, um,

              "maybe you and I should, you know--

              What do you think? Huh?''

              Now, that's romantic.

              And with a proposal like that, you didn't find eternal bliss?

              - [Sighs] - What went wrong?

              I don't know.

              - You don't know? - No.

              Maybe you should ask her sometime. Ever thought of that?


              [Maggie] Even with everything that's happened,

              I have still never been married.

              And I still deserve a beautiful dress.

              - [Doorbells Tinkle] - Mrs. Whittenmeyer?

              Where are you going?

              - Hi, Polly. - Hi, Maggie.

              You'll have to excuse her. Some of the children are afraid of you...

              since you dragged that little boy up the aisle.

              Drag-- No. I didn't, I didn't--

              He tripped on his own shoelaces.

              You've come for your dress. Good. It's in the back. I'll get it.

              Actually, Mrs. Whittenmeyer, I decided...

              - that I want to get this dress. - Oh.

              The one you have on hold is lovely, dear.

              I know, but I've just-- I've changed my mind.

              This is $   ,   .

              And I have $   ,   .

              [Mrs. Whittenmeyer] The other one is only $    dear.

              Um-- Is that dress for sale?

              It's just a lot of money to spend on one of your dresses, Maggie.

              After all, you only wear them for about ten minutes or so.

              Um, yeah, yeah.

              I guess that's true.

              Uh, the other dress is, is nice.

              - Mrs. Whittenheimer? - Meyer.

              Whittenmeyer. Could I talk to you just for a second?

              Come here. I don't know much about this kind of thing.

              I'm from out of town. But you're a salesperson, right?

              - You're here to sell wedding dresses. - I've been here    years.

              Perfect! Because Miss Carpenter is here to buy one.

              Ah. But not just any one. She wants that one.

              - It's $    ! - Listen, Aunt Bee.

              Verbal communication was never perfect for me. Let's try visual, all right?

                [Ike] We're buying the dress.

                Now, we'll have this nice beautiful dress.

                And anything else she wants, it's hers. Okay? All right?

                [Sighs] What do you think?



                You look--

                [Sniffs] You look fine.


                [Clears Throat]

                You're reading your newspaper upside down.

                That's gotta be better than "fine."


                Come on, now. Admire me.

                Get the whole picture. Right?

                I'm gonna have my hair up somehow.

                I don't know. Maybe with a little in the back.

                And, my favorite feature...

                is that it kind of swishes like a bell when I move.

                [Maggie]   Ding, ding  

                  Ding, ding  

                It works.

                Bob will be very happy.

                Oh, Bob! We gotta go. We gotta go meet Bob.

                Oh, jeez, yeah, I'm goin' to the luau. I never miss it. The barbershop--

                Mrs. Pressman, we're ready to order here, I think.

                I'm all out of the special--

                That's all right. I'm gonna have the garden omelet, egg whites only.

                - Okay. - That sounds good. I'll have the same.

                Of course.

                What is that? I can't even order eggs without sarcasm from you?

                [Clears Throat]

                - You're on the same team now. - What is that sound?

                [Clears Throat] Have some water.

                - Penalty box. Penalty box. Hmm? - What is it? Fur ball?

                Ike, Maggie is the sweetest person you're ever gonna meet.

                But she focuses too much out there.

                She needs to start focusing more in here.

                That's why I think she's had, uh,

                whatever you wanna call 'em-- problems in the past.

                And that's what we're working on. Focus.

                -Focus. Focus on Maggie. Focus. - Mm-hmm.

                Focus on Bob. Focus on Bob.

                I've been runnin' Maggie through these visualization exercises.

                All the sports shrinks use this head stuff.

                Visualize the end zone.

                Visualize that hole-in-one.

                Tell me. When you get to the altar, do you spike the bouquet?

                - Okay, you know what-- - Well, I'm off.

                A reporter's work is never done.

                See you later. Bye, Mrs. Pressman. Thank you.

                I'm gonna go focus on your eggs, Bob.

                I'm glad you're here. I wanted to try to explain.

                There are reasons why there have been three weddings and no "I do's."

                You can't believe how much cake we got stuck with!

                It's a wonder I don't weigh     pounds!

                And then, her father bought all that booze that nobody drank.

                - But he didn't mind that-- - Hi, Grandma.

                [Makes Kissing Sound] Hi, Netta.

                Grammy is giving me the skinny on why you run from marital bliss.

                Right. Netta, cover up your ears.

                It's not that she's afraid of the wedding.

                - She's afraid of the wedding night! - Mmm.

                Innocent girls are terrified of the one-eyed snake.

                Why, when I was a virgin bride,

                I took a knitting needle to bed with me.

                Uh-- [Clears Throat]

                Grandma, I charmed...

                - the one-eyed snake a while ago. - Oh, yeah. I forgot.

                Well, I'll tell you one thing. Your grandpa never forgot that wedding night.

                Netta, you can take your hands down.

                - The tea's cold. - Good.

                Could you excuse us for a minute? May I have a word with you, please?

                Oh. Bye, Netta. Bye.

                Thanks, Grammy.

                Uh-- [Clears Throat]

                I found this, and I didn't know if it was something interesting.

                - My-- This is Miles Davis! - I was cleaning out the attic and--

                This is very hard to find in good condition.

                - Hold on to this. This is incredible. - Why don't you take it?

                - Huh? - Take it.

                You're figuring out what kind of music I like, finding me a rare album.

                You're not trying to butter me up, are you?

                I was cleaning out the attic,

                not attempting the impossible.

                I smell trouble.

                [Car Radio] This is Cory Flemming, and I'll be featuring the music...

                of Denise and Da Nephews, tomorrow morning on "Wake up with--"

                [Turns Radio Off]

                [Ike] What do we got here?

                [Maggie] Come on, big guy.

                Oh, on our feet. Here we go.

                Let's go, let's go, big guy. Yeah.

                I haven't had any fun since you got your driver's license.

                Let me give you a tip. I haven't been having a whole lot of fun either.


                - Good boy, Porthole. - His name's Skipper, Dad.

                - I changed it. - Ah. Okay, step.

                - [Groans] I'll be back later, Travis. - [Scoffs]

                - That guy Travis really has a problem. - Mmm.

                - I'll get-- - Here we are.

                Okay. Steady.

                You're gonna lean, I'm gonna push.

                Good daughters let their fathers pass out.

                Hey, Walter. Right down there.

                I, I-- Please, please don't write anything--

                Forget about it. Don't even think about it.

                I'm just so tired of this whole scene.

                Why don't you just let him sleep it off here in the truck?

                Come for a ride with me, come back for him later.


                [Female Singer]   Today  

                  We took a walk up the street  

                  We picked a flower and climbed the hill  

                [Maggie] He's been drinking more and more since my mom passed away.

                [Ike] That's when you quit school to come back here?

                Yeah. I had to come run the store for my dad.

                [Ike] My dad had a small printing business.

                He wanted me to become a classical musician.

                My mother wanted me to be a novelist.

                They were  -for-two.


                So, l, uh-- I became a reporter.

                Not quite a novelist. But as we all know,

                journalism is literature in a hurry.

                  I never saw blue like that before  

                  Across the sky  

                [Ike] What? What is this?

                What kind of gas did you put in here? Diesel?

                I don't know. The pump closest to the car.

                - [Car Backfires] - Whoa!

                This car takes unleaded. Your filter is clogged.

                [Ike] Can you fix it?

                - I'm gonna need to get some tools. - Oh, good.

                Kind of isolated here.

                Yeah, it's nice.


                Well, if there's one thing us New Yorkers know how to do,

                that's hail a cab.

                If there's no cab, we walk.

                Uh, well, if we saved the battery here,

                there's a place just down the way.

                We country girls cut across the field. It's quicker.

                Oh, be careful of snakes.

                - What? - Snakes.

                I don't like snakes.

                Walk nice. They won't get ya.

                Come on, come on, come on!

                What're you-- What're you doing? Snake dance?

                I'm scaring the snakes.

                - You're scaring me. - [Chuckles] I'm scaring myself.

                Do you think there's one right person for everybody?

                [Sighs] No, but I think attraction...

                is too often mistaken for rightness.

                Attraction is very misleading.

                - Yes, it is. - Yeah.

                - And it doesn't mean anything. - No.

                No, no. It doesn't mean anything. It means--

                I, uh,

                suddenly forgot how to climb a fence.

                - Tools. - Tools. Yeah.

                - Lionel, do you have tools? - Hey, Maggie!

                What're you gonna do? Bust out of another wedding?

                [Ike Laughs]

                Sure are well-known around here.

                [Ike] No, Fish, it's almost done. I swear.

                This story's taken a very interesting turn.

                I've got one more interview to do in New York. I'll see you later.

                [Male Singer]   From my head to my heart  

                  Can't seem to find a way They're so far apart  

                [Horns Honking]

                You could've told me that you were fiancÚ number three.

                And end up in the papers?

                I've been humiliated enough already to last a lifetime. Thank you.

                I was traveling around,

                studying the reproductive and migratory patterns of locusts...

                when Maggie met me.

                Tell me, George. Why do you think she ran?

                Just like you said. What did you call her? A man-eater?

                Devouring death goddess. All right?

                That's what I said. I don't think that's why she ran.

                Why do you think she ran?

                I don't know. I'm working on it. I was on the wrong track.

                - Are you defending her? - No, no.

                I call it like I see it. I'm a journalist. I'm a truth-teller.

                - Unbelievable! - What?

                She got to you, too, like a moth to a flame.

                - Please! -Join the club.

                - What are you talking about? - You need this much more than I do.

                I am a journalist. I'm doing an article. Look. See? I'm being paid.

                This will be published. A cover story. You'll get the all facts in the article.

                Do you know what kind of eggs she liked?

                Poached, same as me.

                [Car Alarm Beeping]

                [Fisher] An over priced apartment and Chinese take-out.

                That's New York living.

                Fisher, don't forget the fortune cookies.

                I already read the fortune. You don't wanna know.

                He makes me crazy.

                Hostility is a very important part of your foreplay, isn't it?

                It takes three people to make our marriage work:

                him, me and our therapist.


                Ellie, what went wrong?

                With us. With the two of us, I mean.

                I know it's been a long time. Do you remember?

                Yeah. Do I remember? Of course I do.

                Is that what-- Did I do the same--

                Is that what happened? Did I just... not see you?

                No. No, you didn't.

                I'm sorry.

                I'm sorry, Ellie.

                I'm sorry too, Ike.

                Wow! That only took us     years to say.

                Hey, I saw that, you cad.

                You asked for it, you got it. Here you go.

                My dear.

                Get your fortune. Let me see what--

                "Confucius say, man who leave wife alone with ex-husband may leave altogether."

                - [Laughing] - Aha!

                - Lights and everything. - Hope it's better than last year.

                [Woman Laughing] Or the last ten years.

                 [Drums Beating]

                [Cheering, Whistling]


                Let's have a hand for our fabulous hula dancers.

                There they are. King and Queen!


                Walter, I'm thinking about going back to my maiden name.

                Can you still remember it?

                What? It's nice, you know.

                It's just I haven't seen him in    hours, and I would...

                feel better if I knew where he was, you see.

                [Mr. Trout] Welcome to our annual luau.

                - What can I get you? - [Ike] Aloha, Mr. Trout.

                Uh, you got something without a toy in it?

                  [Electric Guitar]

                - [Man] Get down, Sprout. - The next three.


                Oh, I'm hearing it here.


                It's a very fetching headdress you're wearing.

                Where did-- Where did you disappear to?

                Missed me bad, huh?

                [Betty Trout] And we have a winner right here!

                Yeah! All right, Bob!

                Well, it's chow time here on the islands,

                and we Trouts have prepared our traditional feast, Shrimp Trout.

                So let's all meet at the tables.

                You're not allergic to shrimp, are you?

                - Mmm, no. - Pity.


                Attention! Pay attention to Walter.

                - Listen closely. He slurs. - [Laughing]

                In the tradition...

                that has grown over the years, it is now toast time.

                First up, our host,

                Lou "A Honey of a Beekeeper" Trout.



                May the groom's heart be filled with hope...

                and the bride's feet filled with lead.

                [Crowd Laughing]

                May the pitter-patter of little feet not be Maggie's.

                [Crowd Laughing]

                - May the gifts be returnable. - [Man] I took mine back.

                You know the old saying, "You're not losing a daughter"?

                Well, I'd like to.

                [Crowd Laughing]

                [Walter]Maggie may not be Hale's longest running joke,

                - but she is certainly the fastest. - [Mouthing Words]

                Good one, Dad.

                [Cindy] Walter, maybe Mr. Graham will say something.

                Ah, here we are. Would you like to say something, Mr. Graham?

                Yeah, just a minute. I don't know yet. You okay?

                Come on, Ike. Take a shot at Maggie live. It's more fun than print.

                Excuse me?

                It's a joke. They're kidding, Ike.

                - Yeah, come on. Let's go. - [Banging Cups]

                - [Banging Continues] - All right. We'll have a toast!

                [All Shouting Agreement]

                To Maggie's family and friends.

                May you find yourselves...

                the bull's-eye of an easy target.

                May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices,

                and may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes.

                Well, that was funny, but enough toasting. Let's hula!

                Everybody! Let's get up and start the band!

                We're gonna make a line right down here.

                Maggie. Maggie?

                [Betty Trout] Lou, where are those hula dancers?

                Here. She might need this.

                Where'd Maggie go to?

                She went to get me something from her car.

                - Maybe she needs help. - B-B-B-Bob. Okay.

                The guard, who threw the block? Forrest Gregg.

                No, Elijah Pitts.

                - He's a running back. - The Fridge. Refrigerator Perry?


                Hey. Here's a coat.

                - Put this coat on. It's cold. - Don't pretend to be a nice person.

                I was the only person in there defending you.

                You humiliated me!

                No, Maggie, I defended you. Humiliating you is what everyone else did in there.

                - That is the theme of the party tonight. - No. It was under control.

                Now they all feel sorry for me.

                They should. They're about to see you hang yourself again.

                What do you keep--

                Tell me something. Do you really care about Mount Everest?

                It's fun. It's high.

                Sexual practices of locusts?

                [Maggie]Every one of those times I was being supportive.

                Not supportive! You weren't being supportive!

                You were scared! You were scared then, you're scared now.

                You are the most lost woman--

                - Lost? - Yes, lost. You're so--

                You're so lost, you don't even know what kind of eggs you like.

                - Yes. Yes! - What?

                That's right. With the priest, you wanted scrambled.

                With the Dead Head, it was fried.

                With the bug guy, it was poached.

                Now it's like, "Oh, egg whites only. Thank you very much."

                That is called changing your mind.

                No, that's called not having a mind of your own.

                Maggie, what are you doing?

                You really want that guy up there to drag you...

                up Annapurna for your honeymoon?

                You do not wanna climb Annapurna!

                Yes, I do!


                No, you don't.

                You want a man who'll lead you down the beach...

                with his hand over your eyes...

                just so you can discover the feel of sand under your feet.

                You want a guy that'll wake you up at dawn.

                He's just bursting to talk to you. Can't wait another minute...

                just to find out what you'll say.

                Am I right?

                Stop it.

                I'm getting married on Sunday.

                And you are just trying to make me run.

                Because you're a cynical, exploitive,

                mean-hearted creep...

                who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.

                All you do is... is tear others down,

                and laugh at them and criticize what they do...

                because you're too afraid to do anything yourself.

                I read your columns.

                You never once wrote anything about yourself.

                I am not the only one that is lost.

                And you know it.

                Am I right?

                Am I right?

                [Bob] Mag?

                Hey, help me out here.

                Green Bay right guard.

                Uh, you know, Bart Starr, uh--

                - You okay? - Yes.

                - [Drums Beating] - [Clears Throat]

                - I'll take you inside. Okay? - Uh-huh.


                [Maggie] Jerry Kramer.

                Jerry Kramer! I started on the Ice Bowl story.

                 [Drumming Continues]

                Hey, Grandma.

                - What's for lunch? - Turkey and cheese.

                Honey, your grandmother and l...

                are thinking about having a wedding gift museum.


                - Stop. - What?

                Stop. Don't say another word like that.

                - Maggie, it was just a joke. - No!

                It's humiliating, and it's gone on long enough.

                You may not like that you have a daughter with problems.

                But guess what.

                I don't like that I have a father who's drunk all the time.

                I'll eat in my room.

                [Cindy] Tell me why Maggie's having another rehearsal,

                and two days before the wedding.

                She's already done this.

                [Peggy] Well, Bob insisted she visualize the ceremony.

                Okay, we're ready. You want me to have Ike leave now?

                Actually, let's make Ike the pastor.

                Uh, I'd rather not.

                No, it'll give you a great view. I think it's perfect.

                - Hey. - Okay.

                Team effort, Pastor Ike.

                - He's gonna be the pastor? - Yes. Yes.

                Because I want him front and center so he can just see everything.

                - Right up there. That's it. - Okay.

                - Cindy, foyer. - Okay.



                What happened at the luau?

                I-- I don't-- I don't wanna talk about the luau, okay?

                - What is this? - It's for the bell.

                - Bob's in a hurry. - Oh.

                - [Bob] Girls! - Okay, Maggie, remember what Bob said.

                - Let us visualize. Be the ball. - Sink the putt.

                - Make the shot. - Nothin' but net.

                - Never say die. - Move your butts.

                - [Bob] Girls, where are you? - On our way, Coach.


                The bell. Ooh.

                - [Bell Ringing] - Whoa!

                - [Ringing Continues] - [Maggie Yelling]

                Ooh. Agh!

                What's she doing?

                She's being the bell instead of the ball.

                Sanctuary. Sanctuary.

                Mags, you okay?


                Oh. [Sniffs]

                 [Organ, "The Wedding March"]

                At this pace, this could become an evening wedding.

                Okay, okay. You know something? It's great.

                I think we're taking this a little too fast. You're tensing. You feel it?


                We just need to limber you up for a second. Ike, come here.

                You're me. Stand here so she knows how far she's gotta come.

                Honey, I'm gonna walk with you. Okay?

                Now he's the groom?

                Just relax. Remember, visualize.

                Visualize. Relax. Limber.

                You are the football, spiraling through the air...

                - [Organ Continues] - into the waiting hands of the groom.

                I'm spiraling through the air.

                I am...


                toward the... goal line.

                [Bob] Keep eye contact. Keep eye contact.

                And I land on the goal line.

                [Bob] Good. Good.

                Okay, I'm the pastor and I say, "Dearly beloved,

                "we're gathered here, blah, blah, blah, blah,

                "so on and so forth, rat-a-tat-tat, yabba-dabba.

                I now pronounce you man and wife."

                Kiss the bride. We have the organ crescendo.

                That just leads us right on down the aisle.

                And we are man and--

                  [Organ Stops]



                Uh, Mag--


                Okay, okay, okay.

                So if you were imagining me, y-you did great.

                What the hell were you doing?

                Bob, I'm really sorry. She... kissed me back.

                - I kissed you back? - Yes, you did. You kissed me back.

                Yeah, caught that.

                You wanna tell me how long this has been goin' on?

                - About a minute. - Longer for me.


                What do you expect me to say to this?

                - Hello. - Well, Bob, you could say,

                "Well, I hope you two will be really happy together."

                I hope you two will be really happy together.

                - [Groaning] - Uh, take care of him.

                - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

                Bob! Bob!

                Bob, I'm sorry. I-I'm--

                At least this time I backed out before the wedding. That's progress.

                You are gonna find some woman...

                who can make you so much happier than I ever could.

                - Look out! - Ooh, see?

                See? It's happening already.

                - She's good with needy men. - Yeah.

                Uh, yeah.

                - Well, um... why don't you... - Yeah.

                - just call me later. - Okay.

                Bob, this may not be a good time, but here's my number.

                [Cindy] Drive safely, Bob!

                Kid wants to lock up, go home.

                [Car Driving Away]

                - How's Bob? - Mmm.

                - Okay. - [Tires Screeching]

                So, what just happened just now?

                - Then... in there? - I don't know. I, I, I--

                Frankly, I don't even want to talk about it.

                Me neither.

                Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

                - No, no, no. No, wait. Stop. - Mmm? Mmm?

                No, no, no, no. We gotta-- We have to talk.

                We have to talk. We have to do some talking now, all right?

                Just-- Come over here. Pull up a--

                - Pull up a rail. - I was enjoying the-- Okay.

                All right. Just give me a little space here.


                All right. [Sighs]

                Do you think may--

                Well, you do have a dress.

                And the church.

                And the wedding date.

                Then there's the two of us.


                You do have to go down the aisle with somebody...

                that you love,

                - and who loves you back. - Who?

                I'm okay with that.

                So am l.


                I'm getting married.

                Do you do this often?

                Well, there's not a lot to do around here.

                I just believe he's listening to you.

                His hair, any color.

                I like his tight butt.

                - Grandma. - Well, I do!

                I'll see you at the wedding. Right? You're gonna be there, huh?

                - Thirty-seven hours. - I didn't miss the first one.

                We're gonna spend part of the time here in town 'cause he wants to write a book.

                You always wanted to write a novel.

                I feel inspired here. I feel like I can write. I wanna write.

                Ike is getting married.

                Hah! Ooh! Ooh!

                Fisher, if you pee on the Persian, I'm gonna kill you.

                Hi. It's him. He's on the phone.

                - Hi. [Laughs] - Hi.

                - What are you doin'? - Nothin'.

                Pick that up.

                - [Ike] What are you doing? - It's all right.

                - Nothin'. - Wow. I see the most beautiful girl.

                [Whispers] He can see me.

                Bet's up!

                Aah! Double jack!

                You were trying to cheat! It doesn't work!

                [Female Singers]   Get to me magically sure as the sky is blue  

                Ah. Oh, my God. [Screams]

                I'm the winner! [Laughing]

                Now, this is a mature relationship.

                  Acting erratically Need you fanatically  

                  You get to me magically sure as the sky is blue  

                  Baby, I love you  

                  Do you love me too  

                  Baby, I love you  

                [Church Bells Ringing]

                [Reporter Dina] Wedding bells are ringing today in Hale, Maryland.

                Maggie Carpenter, always a bride, never a bridesmaid, is attempting...

                to complete her fourth wedding ceremony.

                We'll be back when results are in. Back to you, Jessica.

                The turnout for this morning's ceremony is...

                usually saved for royalty or movie stars,

                but Maggie Carpenter is Hale, Maryland's very own star.

                T-shirts here. I got, "Bye, Bye, Bride-ee."

                I got, "What Part of 'l Do' Don't You Understand?"

                Get your "Runaway Bride" T-shirts here.

                Will she or won't she?

                That is on the minds of several hundred folks standing here,

                not to mention on the mind of groom number four, who is missing in action.

                - He's gonna stand me up. - Of course he's gonna come,

                because today I saw eight geese flying in a "V"

                You with the lucky geese! You always see geese!

                Not eight!

                - And in a "V" - Eight is better?

                - Eight in a "V" Can you imagine? - "V" "V" for, uh--

                - Victory? Victory! - Great!

                - And... Velcro? - Okay.

                Velcro! Stick together!

                - Virginal. - No, no.

                I-I'm sweaty, I'm nervous. Where are my bags?

                - Okay. No. - No bags. Bags are for later.

                - Rub your ears. - Rub your ears. That's a great idea.

                That's a very good idea. Rub your ears. Cory does that to me sometimes.

                - A little "ooo," and you just "whoo." - We do it to the dog.

                [Vendor] Get your "I don't think she will" shirt.

                These shirts are not sold in stores.

                [Excited Chattering]

                - Here comes Ike Graham! - Show time.

                That's better. It's pretty nice, actually.

                - Yeah, it's nice. - He's here!

                [Screams] Oh, the ear! Ahh! I see him!

                Ike Graham has arrived at church.

                [Excited Chattering]

                - Is this your first marriage? - Is this your last marriage?

                [Male Reporter] Any little Grahams in the future?

                [Cory] Oh, he gets whacked!

                - All right, okay. - This is such a good sign.

                All right! Okay!

                Get this-- Who makes this stuff?

                - The veil is not attacking you. - Okay, okay.

                - Now is the time to calm down. - Yes, okay.

                Cause if you don't get calm, we won't get your dress on.

                A girl can't get married in flannel.

                He's the one. He really is the one.

                - [Excited Chattering] - You're not invited.

                Go back to New York. Get outta here.

                - He's the one! - [Excited Giggling]

                He's the one!

                We gotta hurry 'cause the Sunday school kids are coming.

                - Mrs. Pressman. - There's no microphone.

                - Please, put it there. No, no fun. - You're no fun.

                I was gonna do this Scorsese thing--

                - Whatever. Just do it. Shoot, shoot. - Ike.

                Friends! Oh, God!

                Thank you, thank you, thank you.

                - Thank you. We are friends, aren't we? - Of course we are.

                - You'll be my best man. - Good, but I'm not sure I'm the best.

                Go see the pastor. He'll tell you what to do.

                All right.

                If someone will tell me what to do.

                Mmm. You always looked great in that suit.

                And, Ike?

                I'm happy for you, honey.

                I have a car out back for you in case she decides to run.

                I have an invitation. Lou! He's with me.

                You look terrible.



                - Ike, I'm glad it's you. - Really?

                I wouldn't want to have found out...

                I wasn't the one for her in the fourth quarter.

                Well, Coach, any final advice?

                Maintain eye contact.

                Eye contact. Eye contact. Eye contact.

                [Whispering] What have you got going on here?

                You wanna look just special for the wedding.

                You should thank me and Lou for lending you the wedding car. '   Buick.

                Thank you, Mrs. Trout.

                What are you saying? We're practically family.

                - How's that there? - My name is Fisher. What's yours?

                Nice. Betty. That doesn't want to come out, does it?

                - You just pulled a hair from my neck. - There we are.

                -Mrs. Trout, please. This is my wedding. -Yes.

                Sit down. Thank you. We're starting soon.

                - Who was that? - Mrs. Trout.

                - He doesn't have a-- - Don't do-- Don't.

                I just want that to be able to-- Fold it in the pocket.

                - Right in the pocket. - Please! Just go-- [Sighs]

                - Good luck, sweet girl. - Oh, thank you, Grandma. I love you.

                - I'm really rooting for this one. - Okay, Dad.

                [Cory] The place is packed...

                with the whole town of Hale on the bride's side,

                and with many New Yorkers on the groom's side.

                - Is this taken? - No.

                I'm Elaine from Manhattan.

                - I'm Bob, Maggie's fourth attempt. - I'm sorry.

                That's okay. There's a lid for every pot.

                And I'm comfortable with Ike.

                It's like Jack Dempsey lost his heavyweight title to a New Yorker.

                Right. Gene Tunney.

                - Whoa. - Spit!

                Let's go.

                Uh, okay. No sauntering down the aisle. I don't like that.

                - Make time. Just get there. Just go. - Fine.


                All rise, please.

                  ["The Wedding March"]

                The bride is walking down the aisle.

                Maggie Carpenter is walking down the aisle.

                [Crowd Gasping]

                - Oh, she's pausing. - Stay with me.

                [Bob] Keep eye contact.

                [Relieved Chuckling]

                [Pastor] Please be seated. Thank you.

                I sneaked in a camera.

                We are gathered here today--

                Please, no cameras.

                Could we hold off photos until the end of the ceremony?

                Thank you.


                - [Pastor] Where's she going? - [Ike] Don't.

                - Maggie! - Block the doors!

                No, Maggie, don't!

                Oh, never a dull moment at a Maggie wedding.

                There's a man coming with lots of candy in his pocket.

                If you tickle him, he'll give you all his candy. Here you go, little queen.

                - Maggie! -Just tickle him.

                - [Children] Give us some candy! - Whoa. No, not me.

                Get the naughty bride. Naughty bride.

                No, no. It's an Armani suit.


                - Wait! - Maggie!

                Go. Go. Go, go.

                Maggie! Maggie!

                Don't do it! Don't!


                - He's running after her. - He's in pretty good shape too.

                Maggie! No, Maggie!

                Where do you think she's going?

                Wherever it is, she'll be there by    :   tomorrow.

                Maggie! No!


                No! No!


                Mr. Graham! Mr. Graham!


                - Mr. Graham, what is your next move? - How do you feel now?

                - What will you do? - I know you must feel terrible.

                [Chattering Continues]

                - Mr. Graham, talk to us. - That's enough.

                Come on. Leave him alone.

                "Hardware Honey Goes Nuts and Bolts."

                How many times is she gonna do this?

                  Aura Lee  

                -   Aura Lee   - [Cory] Finally, in local news,

                the mayor has requested that we all stop gossiping about last week's...

                Maggie Carpenter "almost wedding."

                This is Cory Flemming for W-HALE saying...

                may the good Lord make you smart enough to live in a small town.

                And we cut.

                [Lee] Camera loves ya.

                - Hey, you okay? - Yeah.

                I'm closing. You wanna go to Butch's for a drink?

                Uh, you know, I'm gonna finish up here,

                and then I think I'll just head home.


                You know,

                I was thinking about that "V" thing.

                And I think the "V" in the geese...

                was half of a "W" for--

                For, uh--

                - W-W-What are you talking about? - Wedding! Wedding.

                You just gotta get the rest of your ducks in a row.

                Thank you.

                - So you still think that he-- - You're quick.

                You're very quick.


                [Male Singer]   I thought that  

                  You'd be loving me  

                  I thought you were the one who'd stay forever  

                  But now forever's come and gone  

                 And I'm still here alone  

                  'Cause you were only playin'  

                  You were only playin' with my heart  

                  I was never waiting  

                  I was never waiting for the tears to start  

                  It was you  

                  Who put the clouds around me  

                  It was you  

                  Who made the tears fall down  

                  It was you  

                  Who broke my heart in pieces  

                  It was you, it was you  

                  Who made my blue eyes blue Ooh, ooh  

                  I never should've trusted you  

                Okay, here we go.

                  I thought that I'd be  

                  All you need  

                  In your eyes I thought I saw my-- 

                - Ike, how's it goin'? - Hey, Marvin.

                That good, huh?

                  'Cause you had me believin' in a lie  

                  Guess I couldn't see it  

                  I guess I couldn't see it till I saw the light  

                  It was you  

                  It was you  

                  Who put those clouds around me  

                  It was you  

                  Who made the tears fall down  

                  Only you  

                - [Phone Ringing] -  Who broke my heart in pieces  

                [Answering Machine] Hi, it's me.

                Leave a message after the beep. [Machine Beeps]

                [Dial Tone]

                Hello, Ike.

                Don't tell me my doorman is one of your many admirers?

                I'm making friends with your cat.

                Is it okay that I'm here?

                I don't have much choice in the matter, do l?

                But, I can't speak for Italics. Traitor.


                I don't blame you for being mad.

                Or furious.

                Irate? Livid.

                - [Meowing] - What is it, Maggie?

                You here on business?

                By the way, I saw your lamps.

                They're terrific. Yeah, really.

                - It's something I've always wanted to-- - [Door Closes]

                You could make breaking and entering into a new career.

                So, what are you doing here anyway?

                I wanted to talk to you...

                about why I run,

                sometimes ride, away from things.

                - Does it matter? - I think so.

                [Clears Throat]

                When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody...

                who had no idea who I really was.

                And it was only half the other person's fault...

                because I had done everything to convince him...

                that I was exactly what he wanted.

                So, it was good...

                that I didn't go through with it because it would've been a lie.

                But you--

                You knew the real me.

                Yes, I did.

                I didn't.

                Still, I ended up chasing a truck.

                I can't, um, do anything about the truck.

                But, uh--

                - Benedict. - Arnold.

                I love eggs Benedict.

                I hate all the other kinds of eggs.

                I hate big weddings, everybody staring.

                I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work.

                And if I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.

                - Should I be writing this down? - And there's something else.

                No, you can tell me. Don't--


                These are for you.

                - Used-- - Well, they're mine.

                I'm turning in my running shoes to you.

                This is serious.

                And there's one more thing.

                I know, the mind reels that there could be more after this.

                -But, um, if you could just have a seat. -[Clears Throat]

                Let's just not have that there.

                Okay. Okay.

                - Oh, no. My, God, no. - No, no. Don't hide your face.

                This happens once in a lifetime, and it's definitely a first for me.

                You're not gonna want to miss it, so pay close attention.

                I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham.

                Will you marry me?

                Will you marry me?


                I gotta think about this a little bit.

                - Good. I was hoping you would say that. - You were not! Not true.

                If you'd said yes, I wouldn't be able to do this next part...

                and I've been practicing so let me--

                Okay. [Exhales]

                - Ready? - I'm listening.


                I guarantee that we'll have tough times.

                And I guarantee that at some point...

                one or both of us will want to get out.

                But I also guarantee...

                that if I don't ask you to be mine,

                I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

                'Cause I know in my heart...

                you're the only one for me.

                That's a pretty good speech, Maggie.

                I borrowed it from this writer I know.


                 [Miles Davis]

                Dance with me.

                [Pastor] We are gathered here today to celebrate the union...

                of Maggie Carpenter and Ike Graham.

                - Do you have the rings? - Yes.

                Do you, Ike, take Maggie to be your lawfully wedded wife?

                I do.

                Do you, Maggie, take Ike to be your lawfully wedded husband?

                I do.

                [Pastor] In this life that you share together,

                may your individuality strengthen your love.

                With the power vested in me,

                I now pronounce you husband and wife.

                You may kiss the bride.


                Guess what. She did it!

                Maggie Carpenter got married.



                Betty, she did it. She did it!

                [Female Singer]   I need love, love  

                -  To ease my mind   - Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

                  I need to find, find Someone to call mine  

                  But Mama said You can't hurry love  

                  No, you just have to wait  

                 She said love don't come easy  

                  It's a game of give and take  

                  I can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait  

                  You gotta just give it time no matter how long it takes  

                  But how many heartaches must I stand  

                  Before I find a love to let me live again  

                  Right now the only thing that keeps me hangin' on  

                  When I feel my strength Yeah, it's almost gone  

                  I remember Mama said  

                  No, you'll just have to wait  

                  She said love don't come easy It's a game of give and take  

                  How long must I wait How much more can I take  

                  Before loneliness will cause my heart, heart to break  

                  I can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait  

                 She said just give it time  

                  No matter how long it takes Gotta wait  

                [Male Singer]   Girl I live for how you make me feel  

                 So I question all this being real  

                  'Cause I'm not afraid to love  

                  For the first time I'm not afraid of love  

                  Oh, this day seems made for you and me  

                 And you showed me what life needs to be  

                 And you sang to me  

                  Oh, you sang to me  

                 All the while you were in front of me  

                  I never realized  

                  I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes  

                  I didn't see it I can't believe it  

                  Oh, but I feel it  

                  When you sing to me  

                  How I long to hear you sing beneath the clear blue skies  

                  And I promise you this time I'll see it in your eyes  

                  I didn't see it I can't believe it  

                  Oh, but I feel it  

                  When you sing to me  


                [Male Singer]   Where were you on our wedding day  

                  I got bad news that you went away  

                  Where were you on our wedding day  

                  You did me wrong and now you must pay  

                -  Whoa-oo   - [Chorus]  Whoa-oo  

                -  Give me back my ring, whoa-oo   -  My ring, whoa-oo  

                -  Whoa-oo   -  Whoa-oo  

                -  I ain't gonna let you keep a thing   -  A thing  

                  Where were you when I said "I do"  

                  Everybody laughed and my in-laws too  

                  Where were you when I turned around  

                 Some place you knew you never could be found, whoa-oo  


                -  Give me back my ring, whoa-oo   -  My ring, whoa-oo  

                -  Whoa-oo   -  Whoa-oo  

                -  I ain't gonna let you keep a thing   - A thing  

                [Female Singer]   Mmm-mmm-mmm  

                  My heart  

                 Says we've got something real  

                  Can I trust the way I feel  

                  'Cause my heart's been fooled before  

                 Am l 

                 Just seeing what I want to see  

                  Or is it true  

                  Could you really be  

                 Someone to have and hold  

                  With all my heart and soul  

                  I need to know  

                  Before I fallin love  

                  Someone who'll stay around  

                  Through all my ups and downs  

                  Please tell me now  

                  Before I fallin love  

                  It's been so hard for me  

                  To give my heart away  

                  But I would give my everything  

                  Just to hear you say  

                  Someone to have and hold  

                  With all my heart and soul  

                  Please tell me now  

                  Before I fall in love  


                  Before I fall in love  



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