Ruthless People Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Ruthless People script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Bette Midler movie  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Ruthless People. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Ruthless People Script






 Stand up  






 Ruthless People  



 Ruthless People  




forever and ever  







and ever so clever  



 A mess  



 Keepin' their right

to creep into paradise  



  They'll even

blackmail St. Peter  



  They'll pay any price  






 Stand up  



  Come and see  



 Ruthless People  



  Greed and evil

oh yeah  



  You can have it

if you want it  



 It might take

the rest of your life  



 If you want it

you can have it  



 Do a balancing act

on a knife  



  You can have it

if you want it  



 It fits and gets cheap

at the price  



 If you want it

you can have it  



 Despite your sweet soul

and your lies  



 Ruthless People  



 Ruthless People  



Carol, did I ever tell you

why I married her?



Yes, Sam, you told me

many, many -



Her father was

very, very rich...



and very, very sick.



The doctors assured me

he'd be dead any minute.



There wasn't

a second to lose.



I rushed right out and

married the boss's daughter.



He was so sick!



It was like the angel of death

was sittin' in the room with him,



watchin' the clock.



They pulled the plug

on him.



He wheezed and shook

for about an hour.



And then...



he stabilized.



That son of a bitch

just got older and sicker.



And older and sicker!



And older and sicker!



- More coffee, sir?

- No!



I couldn't wait around any longer.

I went out and made my own fortune.



The old fart hung in there

for    years!



Finally died

of natural causes.



I want the rest

of that money!



His money, her money,

it's my money!



I had to live with that squealing,

corpulent little toad all these years!



God, I hate that woman!




I hate the way

she licks stamps.



I hate her furniture.



And I hate that little sound

she makes when she sleeps.



[ Snorting, Baa-ing ]




And that filthy, little

shitbag dog of hers... Muffy!



- Aren't you scared?

- Scared?



Hell, no.

I'm lookin' forward to it.



My only regret, Carol,



is that the plan

isn't more violent.



Don't you consider throwing

a body off a cliff in the

dead of night violent?



Nah! She'll be unconscious,

knocked out from the chloroform.



I'm talkin' about

hands-on involvement.






Ohh. Ohh!




[ Snort ]



[ Whispering ]

I'm goin' now. I can't wait.



Good luck.



Barbara, dear,

I have something for you.






Where are you, dearest?



I have something for you.















No notes,

no messages.



This is not like you,

you meticulous bitch!



It's just like that woman

to screw this up.



Damn it!



What are you doin' here?

Mining the carpet

with little poodle bombs?



Here! Take a whiff of this,

you little fruitcake.



I'll kill you!



- [ Yipping ]

- I'll wring your neck!



You hairy rat!



[ Phone Ringing ]



- Hello.

- [ Man ] Mr. Stone?



Listen very carefully.

We have kidnapped your wife.



We have no qualms about

killing and will do so

at the slightest provocation.



- Do you understand?

- Who the hell is this?

Is this some joke?



I have no patience for

stupid questions, Mr. Stone, and

I don't like repeating myself.



Do you understand?



All right, I'm sorry.

Please continue.



You are to obtain a new, black

American Tourister briefcase,



- model number      .

Do you understand?

- Yes.



In it you will place

$       in unmarked,




numbered $    bills.



- Do you understand?

- Sure.



Monday morning at

  :   a.m., you will proceed

with case in hand,



to Hope Street Plaza and

wait for a phone to ring.



You will receive

further instructions then.



- Do you understand?

- Yes, I do.



You'll be watched at

all phases of execution.



If anyone is with you or if

any action is not carried out

to our complete satisfaction,



it will be considered

an infraction of the rules,

and your wife will be killed.



- Do you understand?

- I believe so.



If you notify the police,

your wife will be killed.



If you notify the media,

she will be killed.



If you deviate from our

instructions in any way

whatsoever, she will be killed.



- Do you understand?

- Perfectly.



[ Sirens ]



{ Reporter }

Just    minutes ago,

Mr. Stone received a call...



from a man demanding

a ransom for his wife, Barbara.



[ Muffled Cries ]



- [ Groan ]

- Kenny!



{ Barbara Struggling }



[ Grunting ]

Grab her legs.



[ Muffled Cries Continue ]






Do you think

she's dead?



[ Muffled Cries ]






[ Grunting ]



{ Muffled Cries Continue }



[ Muffled Cries ]



You fucked

with the wrong person!



My husband does business

with the Mafia.



When they track you down,

you, your entire family,

everyone you ever knew...



will all get chain saw enemas

and that's not all!



Oh, my God!

I've been abducted by Huey and Duey.




[ Sniffing ]



Jesus Christ!

It smells like a toilet in here!



- It's just the ammonia.

- We scrubbed down here for hours

on our hands and knees,



{ Kenny }

For God's sake.



My husband worships

the ground I walk on!

Wait till he hears about this!



He will explo-o-ode!



Bye-bye, Barbara.

[ Snickering ]



In local news, a kidnapping

today in Bel Air.



Police tell us this woman,

Barbara Stone,



the wife of clothing tycoon,

Sam Stone,



was abducted earlier today

from the couple's estate

on Bellagio Drive.



Preliminary sources indicated

that Mr. Stone was contacted

late this afternoon...



and that a ransom demand

has been made. Police officials--



[ Newscaster    ]

...kill Mrs. Stone

if demands were not met.



It's on every

goddamn channel!



Millionaire heiress, Barbara Stone,

has been kidnapped...



from her

Bel Air mansion.



What'd he do,

hire a publicist?



I feel terrible.

Do you feel as guilty as I do?




Are you kidding?



He takes our money,

steals your idea,



goes out and makes

a million dollars,

and you feel guilty?



I can't

believe it!



- How many times

have we been over this?

- Oh, honey, not again.



Let me remind you

of something.



You are the spandex

miniskirt king.



Not him.

He is the spandex miniskirt thief.



He's the one

who should feel guilty.



Look at this.

Do you remember this?



You cried for a week

when you saw this. Look at

the smile on that asshole.



I know he stole it, but she

really didn't do anything.



She was his partner!

Oh, damn it, Sandy.



Do you enjoy

getting stepped on? Do you?



'Cause I don't,

and I don't feel guilty.



I take it back.

I do feel guilty.



I feel very guilty.

I trusted a sleazeball

like Sam Stone...



with our life savings

on a handshake deal,



and then sat there

and watched him take it

all away from us.



But that's over.

We know better now.



From now on,

we trust no one.



To hell with everybody else.

We've got to be ruthless.



- Think ruthless.

- What if I can't think ruthless?



You've got to. It's good for you.

It makes you strong.



What the hell's the sense

of being a decent person

when nobody else is?



Let's be assholes

and get rich!



- [ Squealing, Moaning ]

- { Whirring Noises }



Oh, oh! I'm crazy about you,

you big galoot!



Ooh, you were

somethin' today!



- Yeah, it just doesn't get

any better than this.

- Mmm.



I'm gonna take

a quick shower.



- Can you be ready

by the time I get out?

- Ready?



You're getting ready

for Sam.



The video equipment,




- Tonight's the night.

- Oh yeah, I knew that.



- Now, do you remember

where I told you to go?

- Yeah.



- The old deserted bridge

near the Hollywood sign.

- That's right.



You wait for him there.

He'll be in some rented car.



He's afraid of getting blood

on his sports car.



Get in as close

as you can.



It's important you get

a good shot of his face.



If we can't recognize him,

we can't blackmail him.



You get that videotape of Sam

finishing off his wife,



and that man will give us

anything we want...



for the rest of his life.



Yeah, then we're off

to Haiti.



Not Haiti, Tahiti!



I knew that.



The passports

came today.






[ Indistinct Chatter]



- Frank, glad you're here.

- What have we got?



We found a chloroform-soaked

handkerchief stuffed

way down in the garbage,



and a tire print on the lawn,

a good one. I'm having the lab

check it out.



And we found a few drops

of blood in the kitchen.



- Where's Mr. Stone?

- He's upstairs.



He seems

pretty upset.



  { Rock }



- { Knocking }

- Yes?



{ Policeman }

Mr. Stone, Lieutenant Bender

and Walters are here.



They'd like to start

as soon as possible.



I'll be right there.




Oh, oh!



[ Groaning ]



[ Feigned Sobbing ]



[ Mumbling ]




- I like to hear a woman

make a lot of sound.

- Uh-huh.



I'll scream my head off

if you want to, honey.

It's your money.



My wife just lays there

like a gunnysack.



[ Moaning ]



Oh, my God.

She isn't dead yet.



- [ Groaning ]

- He's gonna kill her right here!



{ Moaning, Yelling }



{ Woman Screaming }



Oh, oh.

[ Whining ]



[ Woman Moaning ]



{ Woman Screaming }



[ Groaning ]



[ Moaning,

Horn Honking ]



[ Screaming ]



[ Retching ]



I have no enemies,

at least none that I know of.



I-- I'm a businessman.



I manufacture

women's sportswear.



[ Policeman ]

I think I've heard of you.



Don't they call you

the "spandex king"?



The "spandex miniskirt king."

You probably read

one of the articles.



Yeah, it was all his idea...

spandex miniskirts.



Was there anybody here

today when you came home?




- Maids?

- { Sam } It was the maid's day off.



Did you notice anything

out of the ordinary

when you came home?



No, not that

I can remember.



- What time did you come home?

- It's the dog!



She isn't

properly house-trained.



No, it's sweet.



The dog's

a little diabetic.



I think it's wine...



- Or--

- Oh, I know what that must be.



I-- I closed a very

important business deal...



this morning and

when I came home...



I opened a bottle of champagne

and--and as I was...



walking through the house,




I called to Barbara to come

and share the moment with me.



She never came.



Those monsters!

[ Sobbing ]



{ Sam Sobbing }






It was horrible.



- She wasn't drugged or anything.

- What happened?



She screamed

and screamed.



God, it took forever.

It must have lasted... two minutes.



He kept stopping and starting.

She'd be at the brink of death

and he'd stop,



let her catch her breath

then start into her again!



She'd scream

louder and louder and then,



when she finally died,



he looked so satisfied

I thought he was gonna

light up a cigarette afterwards.



Son of a bitch

enjoyed it!



Sam's just been on TV

claiming she was kidnapped.



She wasn't kidnapped.

He killed her. I saw it.



Honey, I know.

It's just an alibi.



He just said that

to throw the police off his trail.



You gonna watch that

right now?



- I think I should.

- Baby, you don't wanna see it.



- It'll make you sick.

- I think I can take it.



Oh, no!



- [ Woman On Video Screaming ]

- [ Retching ]



- [ Screaming ]

- Ooh! I can't watch this.



{ Doorbell }



He actually

went through with it.



{ Gasping }



- Stay in here. Don't come out.

- What?



Sam's here!










  My, oh, my

what a wonderful day  



I've just been

watching you on TV.



- You saw it, huh?

- Good performance, Sam.



What a story!

Barbara Stone kidnapped!



I couldn't have made up

anything better. It's brilliant!



And the press

loves it.



- Well, that's very clever, Sam.

- It's inspired!



Imagine, someone

demanding money from me

to keep Barbara alive.







Come on,

let's have a drink.



I can't stay long.



I've gotta get back

and look sad.



- Are you sure

the police believed you?

- They ate it up!



I fed 'em a banquet

of bullshit.



I threw 'em off by miles.

All I have to do now...



is just sit back

and do nothing,



except, of course,

I have to show up at the

fictitious ransom drop.



- You made up

your own ransom drop?

- Naturally!



I got news for you,




That woman

ain't comin' back.



- I know.

- [ Chuckling ]



Did you have

any trouble?



No, I'm tellin' you

I enjoyed it.



- I'm havin' fun!

- { Cork Pops }



We'll clean the rug,




{ Chuckling }



For you, my cupcake.



To the kidnappers.



To the future

Mrs. Sam Stone.




I gotta run. I'm sorry, honey.



I was hopin' we'd have time

for little... poke in the whiskers.



- What a shame.

- I'll take a rain check,



and a few

of these bonbons.









{ Announcer    }

Rock always whines abuse

at the opponent too.



{ Announcer    }

Yes, and I think Murdo's

gonna get a taste of it tonight.



Ooh my, look at

all that hair,



or, uh, fur,

if you would.



{ Crowd Cheering }



{ Announcer    }

He doesn't need a coat in wintertime.



He'll just walk around

like that and have plenty of heat.



You okay?



[ Sighs ]



- She's out!

- Help, police!



- Get the chloroform!

-{ Sandy } Come back, honey.




Somebody help me!



- [ Groaning ]

- Get me the police.

I've been kidnapped.



How the hell do I know

where I am?






Now, be quiet

and don't move.



Nice faces...

Nice easily-identifiable faces.



- Boo!

- I can't do this anymore!




God, that hurts!



[ Groaning ]



- Aaah!

- Aaah!



[ Whirring ]



[ High-Speed Whirring ]






Oh! Ahh!

[ Muffled Scream ]






[ Screaming ]



[ Groaning ]



This is Sergeant Blake

at the lab.



I'd like a purchase search

on Uniroyal model NXP.



That's right,

for all of L.A. County.



{ TV Announcer }

This is Action News Break.



Police are now at the scene of

a brutal murder in Inglewood...



they believe may be the result

of another attack by

the "bedroom killer".



Investigators are asking anyone

who may have seen this man

to contact them at    -    .



Police have also issued

a warning that this man

is extremely dangerous,



and citizens should not attempt

to apprehend him.



This is Action News Break.

I'm Rick DeReyes.



Away it goes!

Trying to beat--



Money, better times, girls.



Six. Keep going.

Steady, nice and tall.



Come on, and knees up,

feet straight. Get those heels down.



And pull those abdominals in.

Pull 'em in, suck 'em up.



If you're still on that couch

eating that doughnut,



put it down

and get up!



Three, four,

standing nice and tall.



Heels down and front.

Come on, reach.



Shh, shh, shh.



Come on, get those

pepperoni thighs nice and high.



And reach!

Do it a little higher.

Squeeze those buns.



Remember, if you don't,

no one else will.



[ Panting ]



- And don't forget to breathe.

- [ Gasping, Panting ]



What if he

doesn't show?



Oh, well then

you get to keep her.




gonna work.



I'll call you.




he's gonna show!



It's his wife.



{ Phone Ringing }



Where are you, Sam?



[ Ringing ]



You son of a bitch!



I'm gonna turn

your transmitter on.



- He can't see the microphone?

- No, it looks fine.



Mr. Stone,




- Hello?

- [ Kenny ] Mr. Stone, we had a meeting.



Hang on, will ya, Harry?

I have some friends here.



Call me on my office line,

   -    . Right?



Business associate.



   -    .

   -    .



[ Ringing ]






Mr. Stone, why have you

failed to appear at the

designated destination?



Ahem. I just

couldn't make it.



The cops are there,

aren't they?



That's right, the cops

are here, reporters too.



All right, Mr. Stone.

I'm a reasonable man.



I'm gonna give you

one more chance.



We will reschedule

our rendezvous for Wednesday.



- Do you understand?

- You're rescheduling?



Yes, I am.



- So, she's still alive?

- She's in perfect health.



Uh, in our

previous discussion,



you mentioned that

you would, uh...



kill my wife if procedure

wasn't followed accurately.



- That's correct.

- And that still goes?




-Uh, what method would you use?



How would

you kill her?



A bullet through the head

at close range.



That would do it,

no question.



Um, well,

you've got me convinced.



- Until Wednesday.

- Until Wednesday, then.






you've taken your

last piss on my rug.



Tell Mr. Stone it's time

to leave for the ransom drop.



- I hope he's not--

- { Gunshots }



- Oh, my God!

-{ Gunshots }



[ Yelping ]



It just--

It just went off.



  {"Dance Champion" Performed

By Kool And The Gang}



{ Honking }



  Coast to coast

via satellite  



  The greatest show

in town  



  Tonight we crown

the champion,yeah  



 So spread

the word around  



  Who's the best

passed the test  



  Who's got that look

in their eyes  



Better give him

a call.



[ Phone Ringing ]



- Hello?

- This is Bender.



It's been over an hour

and he hasn't shown up.



If they haven't come by now,

I don't think they're gonna show.



Why don't you go on home?

We'll send an unmarked car

to follow you.



All right.

All right.



Give me all your money, Jack!

Come on, before I kill you.



Come on!

Come on!



- Here you go.

- Give me your wallet.



Come on, before I stick this

right through your back.



- All right, here you go. My wallet.

- Give me all your jewelry,



-your watch, rings, everything.

-Jewelry, watch.



You want my underwear too,

you piece of shit? Here.



You know, this town has got

some Neighborhood Watch!



I brought you

some more magazines.



More magazines?

How long do you plan on

keeping me down here?



Well, as soon as

Mr. Stone pays the ransom.



- It should be Monday.

- Good. I'd hate to miss

my doctor's appointment.



Doctor's appointment?

Why, do you need medication?



I get a

urine injection.



You get

urine injected?



- Why?

- It promotes weight loss.



- Does it work?

- Yeah, it works!



"Lancome throat and

firming massage cream.

Sperm whale oil.



Royal queen bee jelly."

I can't get you these things.

We can't afford it.



That's not my problem,

it's yours.



Supply these things

and I will tell the jury

you acted humanely.



It might make the difference

between life...



and the chair!



[ Groaning ]



Or the gas chamber.




{ Gasping,

Choking }




if it's a firing squad,



they miss all

the major arteries.




And you don't die right away.



You kinda just...

hang on, bleeding.






[ Gasping ]




[ Screaming ]



- Endlessly.

- { Screaming, Crashing }



Now, I want you to mail this

from across town.



I don't want him seeing

a postmark from my neighborhood.



Right. You're

good at this.



- We can't be too careful with Sam.

He's a very suspicious man.

- Yeah.



- I've got to see him one more time.

- You do?



If I don't see him

on his birthday, he'll be

very, very suspicious.



He'll be expecting

his usual present.



{ Sandy }

It's been horrible.



No matter what I do

or as nice as I can be,



she just

tears into me.



- She hates me.

- Sandy, you're her kidnapper.



She's supposed

to hate you.



I'll take it.



- Okay.

-Just ignore her.






- No dinner for you, then.

- Ah, gee whiz!



That really hurts.

I'm a real aficionado

of death-camp cuisine.






as long as you're here,

why don't you just pretend...



to be a guest.



[ Wolf Whistle ]

Nice butt.



- That's what they'll say.

- I beg your pardon?



Nice butt. That's what

they'll say on your first day...



in the men's club.



- Men's club?

- Mmm.



The San Quentin

country club.



With a cute little rear end

like that, you'll be

the belle of the ball.



Your dance card'll

be filled every day.



You'll be so popular,



making all kinds of

new, close friends.



Big, ugly

hairy friends!



Not that you'll ever see

what they look like,



'cause you'll be facing

the other way.



You're very good

at this.



You should write

children's books.



{ Yelping }



- [ Growling ]

- Get outta here, you crotch wet.



Go on, get!

Goddamn you, dog!



Yes, your attack dogs,



do they just attack people, or can

you get them to attack little dogs?



Oh. Well, what if

you starve them for awhile?



Oh. All right,

thank you.



- [ Beeping ]

- Yeah?



- [ Secretary ]

Miss Farnsworth to see you.

- Send her in.



Happy birthday, Sam.



I brought you

your present.



Oh yeah?

Where is it?



Here it is, Sam.

Does it meet with your satisfaction?



- Mmm.

- Is there anything else you desire?



How 'bout

a big dog?



- Can you get one?

- A big dog?



Yeah, like a Great Dane or a mastiff.

How big does a shepherd get?



Sam, as sexually provocative

as I like to think I am--



I'm not askin' you

to screw the dog, Carol.



It's for me.



  { Rock }



See, that's what I've got,

the Dominator X- .



- It's the best speaker they carry.

- It's really pretty.



- Can I help you?

- Yeah, uh--



- Hi.

- Hi.



Candy's here to get a stereo,

and I'm here to see she

doesn't get ripped off.



Don't worry,

I'm not like the others.



How much did you

want to spend?



- $   .

- $   .



Okay, I think I have an idea

what to show you.



- Let's start with speakers.

- Okay.



Over here, we have a great speaker,

Sentry EV- .



Consumer Stereo has

just rated this a best buy.



- I have a pair myself.

- Yeah, uh, what do you

think of this one?



The Dominator X- ?



The Dominator's a good

marketing idea,



but it's really not

a good speaker.



We give it a    % markup,

so we sell it at   % off,



give the customer the illusion

he's getting a deal,



and we still make

a bundle.



- But it's so big and impressive!

- Size means very little.



Bigger is not

necessarily better.



I sound like Dr. Ruth.



- You mean the Dominator's

like a, uh--

- Well,



the Dominators are very popular

with men who like to have bigger...






- Equipment?

- Exactly!



All right,

let's try this one.



Knees bent down,

hips tucked under.



We're gonna work on the waist.

We're gonna loosen it up.

Take the arms left and right.



Out, and reach as far

as you can.



Keep going.

Okay, left.



This time hold it over to the left.

Reach as far as you can.



Reach the right arm

up to it and take it out.



Very slowly twist

through the rib cage.



Slowly lengthen,

lift that right leg up and hold it.






Keep holding it. Great!

Doesn't that feel good?






- Oh, Muffy? [ Kissing Sounds ]

- [ Growling ]



[ Yipping ]



Muffy, meet Adolph.



Adolph, eat Muffy!



{ Barking }



Bon appetit, Adolph.



{ Muffy Yipping }



Junk, garbage,

garbage, junk.



What do we got here?



{ Woman Moaning }



- Oh-ho-ho.

- { Moaning }



{ Screaming }



"I thought you might find

this interesting.



An Anonymous Friend".



- [ Moaning ]

- More!



[ Chuckling ]



- { Hand Vacuum Whirring }

- [ Laughing ]



[ Phone Ringing ]



- Hello.

- { Sam } Carol, I got your tape.



[ Gasp ]

What are you talking about?



The tape...

the videotape.



What makes you think

it was me?



Who else would send me

something like this?



[ Moaning ]



It's Sam.

He's onto us.



How in the hell did you

get this, Carol?



A friend of mine

took it.



It's terrific. I know why

you sent me this tape, honey.



And you know what

I'm gonna do?



I'm gonna do the same

damn thing with you.



And you, too, could

scream your brains out

because no one's gonna hear.



You are gonna be

beggin' me for mercy,




[ Chuckle ]



Oh, here she goes again.

Listen to this.



This is my

favorite part.



[ Screaming, Moaning ]



[ Panting ]



He's gonna kill me.

He's gonna torture me and kill me.



I can't stay here.

I'm gonna have to stay...



at your place.



[ Truck Horn Blasts ]



  { Rockabilly, Indistinct }



Don't worry, honey.

Stay here as long as you want.



Oh, shoot!



Crockett and Tubbs,

they're floatin'.



{ Carol } I can't

just sit here and wait for him...



to track me down

and kill me.



We've got to get Sam

put in jail.



I want you to make

another copy of that tape,



and this one's

for the police.



[ Ringing ]



[ Ringing ]



{ Footsteps }



So, I guess it's just a matter of time

before you're caught,



right, honeybun?



Barbara, I want to ask you

a personal question.



You and

Mr. Stone,



did you get along?



{ Footsteps }



So, what did

she say?



She just

insulted me.



I don't think

he loves her.



Let's face it,

she's not Mother Teresa.

Gandhi would have strangled her.



What are we

gonna do, Kenny?



I'm tired of being scared

all the time every day.



I can't take this




I know he's bluffing.



I just know it.



I've got to be

really tough with him.



Never let the seller know

you're hot to trot.



Tell him you

haven't got the money.



{ Phone Ringing }







Yeah, Debbie's here.

Who's this?



Well, Ralph, Debbie

can't talk right now.

My dick's in her mouth.



How 'bout if I have

her call you back when I'm done.



I love wrong numbers.



Anyway, tell 'em

you don't have the money,



that it's all tied up

in investments or some crap.



[ Ringing ]



Hang on! A bad salesman

will automatically drop his price.



Bad salesmen make me sick.




Mr. Stone,

do you love your wife?



Hang on. Would you excuse me

for a moment, please?



Oh, sure, Mr. Stone.



- { Door Closing }

- Go ahead.



Mr. Stone, you love

your wife, don't you?



Sure, I love my wife.



Mr. Stone, we demand

a satisfactory explanation...



why you haven't shown

with the money.



Look, pal, you're asking a lot

of cash. I haven't got that

kind of money around the house.



It's all tied up

in investments, so, uh, sorry.




What do you mean, sorry?



- No can do.

- What?



No deal. You have to take

your business elsewhere.



- What?

- No "cash-ola".



Uh, wh-wh-what

about, uh... less?



You make me sick.

Make me an offer.



Uh, bring--




in unmarked bills...



to the same phone

at noon on Thursday.




Tomorrow's Thursday.

You mean, tomorrow?



Yes, tomorrow!

Bring       tomorrow!



And if I don't?



Then the next time you see

your wife, pal, will be in the morgue.



Mr. Stone,

I have bad news.



We think we've found

your wife.



We'll need you to come with us

to identify the body.



That's not her.



{ Walters }

There must be some mistake.



We want the woman who was

brought in this morning.



Oh, Jane Doe   ?

She's in the next room.



It looks like her,

a lot like her.



But it's not her.



My Barbara!

She's alive!



  {"Modern Woman"

Performed By Billy Joel }



  You see her sittin' with

her coffee and her paper  



  With her high-top sneakers

of Italian design  



  With her long, cool stare

she aggravates attention  



 Makes up her face

while she makes up her mind  



 Now you're in trouble

maybe she's an intellectual  



  What if she figures out

you're not very smart  



  Or maybe she's the quiet type

who's into heavy metal  



  You've got to get it settled

'cause she's breakin' your heart  



 Don't try

to put on an act  



  You can't do that

to a modern woman  



 And you're an

old-fashioned man  



 She understands

the things you're doin' 



 She's a modern woman  



 She's a modern woman  



 She's a modern woman   



{ Woman Moaning }



- [ Moaning ]

- More!



{ Beeping }






Sir, there's someone

on the phone. They say

they sent you that tape.



Put 'em through,







Hello. Is this

Chief Benton?



Uh, y-yes.



I'm the one who

sent you the tape.



Have you had

a look at it yet?



Yes, I just saw it.



- So, what do you think?

- Well, obviously...



it's very upsetting.



- This whole thing's making me ill.

- I agree.



That poor woman, she had

to go through a living hell.



- I'd rather die a quick death.

- All right! All right!



What do you want

from me?



Well, arresting Sam Stone

would be a good start.



You want me to

arrest Sam Stone?



Any special reason why

I should arrest him?



- For murdering his wife!

- Murder?



Well, uh,

all right, okay.



You know, it's not gonna be easy.

I'll need evidence.



That tape isn't enough

to convince you? Jesus!



Think of the publicity

you'll get.



All right, all right.

I'm convinced.



- I'll have Sam Stone arrested.

- Thank you.



Sam Stone?



- Chief Benton.

- The investigation has

taken a new direction.



We've reason to believe

Stone may have murdered his wife.



- Mr. Stone? Oh, no.

- You heard me.



- I want this placed combed until

something is found. Got it?

- Yes, sir.



[ Yipping ]




there you are.






Where have you been,

huh? Good girl.



Ah, yeah, the big dog

won't hurt you, huh?



He's just a big--



{ Policeman }

Chief Benton!



- What is it?

- I found this in the backyard.




And Officer Williams

found snapshots...



of Mr. Stone

and another woman.









Mr. Kessler?

Ken Kessler?



- Yes?

- We're police officers.



I'm Lt. Bender.

This is Lt. Walters.



May we have a word

with you, please?



Oh, sure.




Come upstairs.

We can talk in the salesmen's office.



- [ Kenny ] Have a seat.

- Thank you.



Mr. Kessler,

over a week ago...



a lady named Barbara Stone

was kidnapped from her Bel Air home.



- Are you familiar with the case?

- Yeah, I read about it.



We believe the vehicle

the kidnappers used left a

tire print in her driveway.



We took a mold of that print,

had our lab analyze it, and the

results were rather interesting.



[ Walters ] These are

the prints of the kidnapper's car,



and these are the prints

of your car.



{ Beeper }



Is there a phone

I can use?



Uh, sure,

it's right over there on the desk.



Amazing similarity!



Would you excuse me

for a second?



I've got to go to the bathroom.

I've got a touch of the stomach flu.



Sure, go right ahead.



Chloroform? What

about fingerprints?




We have a winner.



You won't believe this.

They found evidence implicating Stone.



- Stone? You're kidding?

- Chloroform and fingerprints.



I'll be damned.

Let's get out of here.



- Where's Kessler?

- In the john.



- [ Grunting ]

- [ Glass Breaking ]



{ Grunting }



Stomach flu.



Mr. Kessler?



I'll b-be

right out.



Don't bother, sir.

Thank you for your help.



We'll just show

ourselves out.



{ Loud Groaning }



- Hello.

- All right, Mr. Stone.



We came very close

to killing your wife,



but she begged us repeatedly

for just one more chance.



So in the spirit of

compassion and mercy,



we decided not to kill her

just yet.



Compassion and mercy?



What the hell's going on

over there? I thought

you people were ruthless!



- We are, Mr. Stone.

- Then what's this phone call about?



We called to make you

an offer,



- an offer even you can't refuse.

- Oh?







Fat chance!



Mr. Stone, this is no joke!

We're desperate people.



I believe this is a joke, pal,

and you're it.



The last time we spoke,

you said my wife would be...



in the morgue

if I didn't pay.



Well, I didn't pay and

today I was at the morgue.



She wasn't there.

You lied to me.



- You know what I think of you?

- No.



You got no nuts!

What do I have to do?



Put a gun in your hand, aim,

and pull your finger down,

you spineless wimp?



I dare you

to kill her!



Now that

oughta do it.



Hey, you?

Wanna sell me a stereo?



- Yeah, I'll sell you a stereo.

- All right.



I'm lookin' for something

real hot. I don't wanna

get ripped off, you know?






You're looking for some

real hot speakers, right?



I'm not talking about

something you just listen to.



- I'm talking about the kind

of sound you can feel.

- Yeah!



- You know what I mean.

- Yeah!



When it comes to great stereo,

you can't beat big speakers.



I'm talking about big speakers

with big woofers like this.



You can get this. It has

a nice little eight-inch

woofer, or this ten-incher.



Over here we have

a nice big   -inch.



But I can tell by the look

on your face, man, you want

something even bigger.



- Fuck, yeah!

- "Fuck, yeah" is right.



We gotta go to

the big room for this!



The big room!

Check it out, my man.



The flagship of the

entire Dominator line. The MX-  .



I have a pair

of these myself.



   inches of thigh-slappin',

blood-pumpin' nuclear brain damage!




Hey, what's the fucking cost?



That's the bitchin'

part about it. It don't matter.



If you can't afford it,

fuckin' finance it!



   [ Loud Hard Rock ]







So what if it's as big

as a Subaru and costs as much!



You'll never have

to trade this in.



This is gonna be with you

for the rest of your life.



And when you die,

they can bury you in it!



I want it!



This guy is okay.

First guy I feel I can really trust.



Wait a minute.

Why don't I show you something else?



They're not very big,

but Consumer Stereo

rates them a best buy.



The Sentry EV- s.

And they're not gonna break you.



Kick it out.

Two more.



That's it!

Whew, I'm pooped.



- Let's take a break.

- Take a break?

Come on, you little wimp!



Let's go!



Here's your lunch.



It's fruit salad.

You seem to like that the most,



although you still don't eat

as much as you should.



My body's become a

more efficient machine.

I go farther with less food.



You must be in

pretty good shape by now.



You certainly look good.



You've lost a lot

of weight.







Oh, yeah, you've lost a lot

of weight, at least    pounds.









Do you have

a scale?



- I don't know how to thank you!

- Thank me?



I've been to...

ten different fat farms in,



God, I don't know

how many years.



And I lost a total,

a total of six pounds.



I have lost




I wasn't sure,




it felt thin.



You wouldn't have a--

never mind.



- A-- A what?

- No, no, no.



It's very silly.



No, what?

Please tell me.



All my life I wanted to have

a slinky little figure...



so I could wear some

Bill Blass or Valentino,



some exotic evening gown

like Christian Dior, Jerry Galanos.



Are you kidding me?

You're kidding me, aren't you?



I'm sorry. I know

it's ridiculous to think

that somebody of your,



- well, moderate means--

- I'll be right back.

Just don't go anywhere.



- Sam Stone?

- Yeah?



Mr. Stone,

you're under arrest.



For mixing

cotton with silk?



This is absolutely




Whose design is this?

Is this Bill Blass? Albert Nipon?



- Nah, too conventional.

- Halston?



I know who did it.

Oscar de la Renta.



I designed it.



Get outta here!

Really? Wow!



You're a professional.



- Nah.

- You are! This is sensational.

Do you have any more?






 I won't do you no harm




  You've got to be all mine

all mine  



  Ooh, foxy lady  



{ Giggling }






So, Sam told you

I was his partner?



No way! He was

just passing the buck.



Oh, God.



So, when do I

get out of here?



As soon as Mr. Stone

pays the ransom.



What's the problem?

What is the ransom?



It, it was $      .



That shouldn't be

a problem.



He complained.



He complained?



And then we dropped our price

to $     .



- Yeah?

- He didn't pay.



He didn't pay?



So now what?



So now...



we're dropping our price again

to $     .



Do I understand this




I'm being

marked down?



What is this?

The bargain basement?



I've been kidnapped

by Kmart!



Don't cry, Barbara.



Hey, check it out.



You sure got

a pretty mouth.



All right, Stone,

let's go.



- Hey, was it something I said?

- Yeah.



Although this is

a capital crime,



the accused is an upstanding

member of the community,



a responsible and

successful businessman...



and has never before

posed a threat to society.



Bail will be granted

and set at...



- $      .

- You want to try for a reduction?



No, pay the ticket

and let's get the hell out of here.



That filthy slug!

That screeching little witch!



- That pasty-faced troll!

- The judge?



My wife!

I gotta get her back!



- Sandy?

- Kenny?



It's over. Sam isn't going

to pay the ransom.



He couldn't care less.

I'm no criminal.



I can't even sell retail...

and that's legal.



- We gotta get packing

and get outta here.

- Oh, Kenny!



I've got some very

interesting news for you.



I am the new rising star...



- in high fashion!

- Let's get a grip on ourselves.



Try to be calm. We're

going down to Mexico

for a couple of years.



- We can camp on the beach.

- Does that mean we let Barbara go?



- We're not going

to take her with us.

- Good.



- 'Cause I've already let her go.

- What? You let her go?



{ Kenny }

Oh, my God!



- You didn't let her

just run right out of here?

- Yeah!



- Oh, my God!

- Why not?



She knows where we live.

She'll turn us in.

The police will be here.



You don't understand.

She really likes us now.



I showed her my gowns.

She loves them.



We're all going into

business together.



- We're gonna open our

fall line in Paris.

- She told you this?



Yes. She really,

truly loves me.



She can be trusted.

She's changed!



Changed? What'd you do?

Perform an exorcism?



Ken, she lost

nearly    pounds.



Well, you just had to be there.

It was a very special moment.



{ Knocking }



I'm surprised

they knocked.



Good afternoon.

We're wondering if

you've seen this man.



He was sighted in the area

a few weeks ago and then

again this morning.



He's psychotic, extremely

dangerous and violent.



- He's killed half a dozen people.

- I gotta get outta here.



My wife,

she's late for work.



Doesn't look familiar.



Keep this and give us a call

at this number in case you do see him.



Under no circumstances should

you try to subdue him yourself.

He's extremely violent.



He looks it. Thank you

very much, Officer.






It's okay.

It's okay!



They're looking

for somebody else.



I'll get the other suitcase

from the basement.









Anybody home?



Oh, hello. Are you a friend

of Ken and Sandy's?




look like my mother.



I hate my mother.




{ Whimpering }



[ Gasp ]



You-- You look

just like my father.



I hate my father!



{ Scream }






{ Barbara }

What the hell was that?



{ Sandy }

Honey, don't touch him.



Oh, my God.

It's the bedroom killer.



He told me I look

like his mother.



He hates his mother.



He's dead.



{ Barbara }

So, if I look like his mother...



and you look like

his father,



this is what our son

would look like.



- Pretty strong argument

for birth control.

- What do we do now?



Barbara, what

are you doing here?



{ Barbara }

I got it! I tell you, I've got it.



Listen to this.

All right.



Sam arrives on a motorcycle

wearing shorts, no shoes,

no shirt, nothing.



Maybe we'll just put him

in a jockstrap.



We send him all over town in

the middle of a hot, sunny day.



Sam burns real easily.

He'll be bright red.



I can't believe

this is happening.



{ Barbara }

Then he's got to cover himself

with honey and go to a bee farm.



- We make him dance so

the bees go absolutely nuts!

- I don't think she really--



Then we all watch while

they sting him to death!






Don't we want a punishment

that'll keep stinging him

the rest of his life?



My God, he must've been

seeing this woman for years.



Castrate him!

I want to castrate him.



Wouldn't it be better

if we struck at the core

of Sam's being,



- his reason for living?

- What would that be?



His testicles!



Would you know in

complete detail what Sam's

total net worth would be,



not just the big stuff,

the little stuff too,

down to the last penny?




I think so.



Good. I want you

to write it down in

as much detail as you can.



Fire up the stove.

Get the tofu burgers

from the freezer.



We're calling Sam.



My tux,

my silk tux.



Et tu, Adolph?

Et tu?



[ Whimpering ]



{ Phone Ringing }



- Hello?

- { Kenny } Hi, Sam.



Oh, thank God it's you!

I've been thinking about

your last offer.



I think you're right.

I cannot refuse.



$      is fair

and totally acceptable.



She's in bad shape, Sam.

We've been torturing her.



- [ Sizzling ]

- Aaah!



[ Sizzling ]



- Aaah!

- Don't kill her!



We found out your wife

is worth quite a bit

more than $     .



- What do you mean?

- We changed our minds.



We've upped

the ransom.



- To what?

- We're up to $  million.



$  million?



You outta your fucking mind?

Where'd you get an incredible

figure like that?



Oh, you'd be surprised at

the quality and quantity...



of information a

lit cigarette can provide.



[ Barbara Screaming ]



- [ Kenny ] What else?

- Shh!



Gems! He's got

rare gems in the safe.

Oh, Sam, forgive me.



- What kind of gems? How many?

- I don't know.



- Aaah!

- { Sizzling }






Four flawless

one-karat diamonds!



The bitch blabbed.



Apparently, you got

a million-two built up in

equity on Sam's Sportswear,




in your pension plan.



General Dynamics closed

at    and  /  today,



which brings another

       to the party.



      for the Excalibur

and now there's the four

one-karat diamonds in the safe.



You inhuman slime!



{ Dial Tone }



[ TV Announcer]

After his release yesterday,



Mr. Stone continued

to deny the charges...



despite what the district

attorney's office insists

is overwhelming evidence.



Overwhelming evidence is right!

What more do they want?



How could

they let him go?



- Hello?

- Hello. It's me again.



I see Sam Stone's

been released.



It's not easy keeping a man in jail

with these liberal courts.



A man is innocent

until proven guilty.



Well, how do you think

these courts would feel...



- if I gave that tape to the media?

- Oh, my... God.




They'd go crazy for it.



They love to show

sick stuff like that.



It'd probably be on national TV

   hours a day for weeks!



I bet that'd get

a hell of a reaction.



Please, please

don't do that.



Where's your sense

of compassion?



Why do you have

to be so vicious?




Have you seen that tape?



Come on!

What's the big deal?



It's just a lonely man who

wanted a little excitement.



That kind of thing happens every day.

Everybody does it!



I don't believe this.



I don't believe

you said that!



Men get the urge.



- We're only human.

- You're sick.



Hello? No,

don't hang up on me!



- So, what'd he say?

- Something strange

is happening here.



Either the chief

is a complete moron,



and complete

morons are rare,



or he's playing games

with me.



We better find someplace

where we can look at that tape.



- This is perfect.

- It is?



Give me the tape.






- [ Moaning ]

- [ Man ] Ho, ho-ho!



- You idiot! This isn't Sam.

- And he isn't killing her.



[ Woman ]

That's my husband!



Barbara really

was kidnapped.



She really was kidnapped!

I didn't kill her.



Please believe me.

You gotta be there.



They're coming

this time for sure.



I think the deli's using

a different mustard.

The last time it was tangier.



Jesus Christ!

I'm pleading for my life...



and you're discussing

the inconsistency of

lunch meat condiments!



Haven't you heard

a word I've said?



{ Phone Ringing }






I'm sorry, Mr. Stone,

but since the house

is in your wife's name,



as well as her other

   million in assets,



you're not legally

entitled to it as long

as your wife is alive.



However, you've got

a million-two built up

in equity in your business,




in your pension plan.



You'd have no problem

using that as collateral.



All right.

Let's do it!



{ Phone Ringing }



- Hello?

- [ Carol ] Sam?



Carol! Where the hell

have you been?

I've called you     times.



Sam, I miss you.

How have you been?



I'm going crazy over

this kidnapping thing.



- And the cops won't do

a damn thing to help me.

- Why?



They don't believe me.

They think I made up

the kidnapping.



They won't even show up

at the ransom drop to see

if I'm telling the truth!



You're gonna be all by

yourself? That's terrible.



How much money

is it?



- $ .  million.

- Cash?



Of course it's cash.



Have you ever heard of

a kidnapper taking a check?



Where are you going

to give them the money?



I mean, I, I hope

it isn't dangerous.



I've gotta go to

a phone booth...



on Hope Street Plaza.



{ Ringing }



- Hello?

- [ Barbara ] Sam!



It's so nice to

hear your voice.

How's Muffy?



Listen, Sam,

we don't have much time.



There's a gun

pointed at my head.



They're making me give

the ransom instructions in

case the police are listening.



You must make sure

there are no police,

otherwise they'll kill me.



Nope. No cops.



Now, have you got

all the money?



$ .  million in unmarked,

nonsequential bills?



You miserable

scum-sucking pig!



Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

They made me say that.



- Yeah, I got all the money.

- It's there in the briefcase?



You scumbag!

You lowlife motherfucker!



Oh dear.

They made me say that too.



- It's in the case, yeah.

- The Rolex too? The gold Rolex?



Who said anything about the Rolex?

They never mentioned the Rolex.



They want the Rolex

and your pinkie ring!



Honey, they tortured me with cigars.

I had to tell them everything.



All right.

What else?



That's it!

Just wait there.



Bag, please.



Come on,

give me the bag!






Put the bag down and

put your hands on your head.






They're from the government.

They're here to help you.



I said no police.

Do you know what this means?



{ Kenny }

Stay back.



They touch me and I give

the order to kill! Got it?



Leave me alone

or she's a dead woman.



- You want her blood on your hands?

- What do you think?



- Let's just follow him home.

- Okay, let him go.






- What are you doing?

- Gimme it!



Let go.

Tell him to let go.



- If he doesn't let go

I give the order.

- Go ahead, give the order.



Let go!

She's a dead woman if he doesn't!



All right,



drop it.






[ Ringing ]









This is Lt. Bender.

What are you doing?



I'm taking my money.

You got your man.

The rest is your problem.



Mr. Stone, you may be guilty

of obstructing justice,

aiding and abetting a felon,



accomplice to kidnapping

and possibly murder.



My advice to you is

to drop the gun, give back the bag.



We have     officers,

   cars and two helicopters.

He won't get away.



- That's better.

- Here!



What are

you doing here?



Tell them to get out

of here! If they don't go, she's dead!



All right, gentlemen,

clear the street, please.



You too, Mr. Stone.

Back away.



That's better.



{ Walters }

You can go now.



Don't follow me.




{ Walters }

We understand.



- Don't move!

- Who the hell are you?



What the hell

is going on?



I'm robbing you!



- Stop him!

- { Gunshot }



- Did you shoot at me?

- No, you moron.

There's police all over.



Hundreds of 'em!



Do I look that stupid?



Yes, you do!



If you shot at me,

where's your gun?



Well, you're too sharp for me!

You got me figured out.



I don't have one.



{ Gunshot }



That was

a brand new tire.



Give me your keys.



- I don't believe this!

- { Bender } Give the bag to Bozo,



drop the gun and

put your hands in the air.



Who said that?



This could very well

be the stupidest person

on the face of the earth.



Perhaps we should

shoot him.



{ Bender }

It's the police department.






No! We're the National

Rifle Association!






I'm leaving now.

They said they wouldn't follow me.






 Stand up  



 Ruthless People  



  Watch yourself  






 Stand up  



 Ruthless People  



 Ruthless People  



  You can have it

if you want it  



 It might take

the rest of your life  



 If you want it

you can have it  



-  Ruthless People  

- They're still following me.



I should have known.

I knew this wouldn't work.



You can't trust the police!



Oh, God.

Oh... boy.



- He's cornered and he knows it.

- I hope he doesn't hurt anybody.



I'm not going to jail!

I'm not going to jail!



Oh, my God!



[ Honking ]

Hey, look out!



[ Honking ]



Watch it!



{ Woman }

Somebody help! He'll drown!



- The water's way too cold.

- There's riptides.



- I've seen sharks.

-Somebody call an ambulance.



Look there!



That's money!



My money!



Let's get the coast guard

and fish him out.



You can't do that!



That's not your money!



That's my money!

Stop 'em!






The bedroom killer!



{ Sam }

What about the money?



They recovered a

few thousand dollars.

The rest washed away.



He said if anything

went wrong,



they'd kill Barbara.



Things couldn't have gone more

wrong than this, could they?



That means she's dead.



[ Sobbing ]



[ Laughing ]



- Mrs. Stone!

- I'll be damned!



- Mrs. Stone?

- Yes.



I'm Lt. Walters.

We're glad to see you're okay.



I'm sorry to have to ask

you to do this right now,



but I'm afraid we need you

to identify the body.




That's him!



Oh, I could

never forget that face.



What hell

he put me through.



- You're sure he worked alone?

- Positive.



- He mentioned a partner.

- He was schizophrenic.

He thought he had partners.



Where's Sam?



He's over there,

Mrs. Stone.



Would you excuse me

for a moment?



I'd just like to be alone

with my husband.



- Certainly.

- Thank you.



Hello, Sam.






You look terrific!



You think so?



I mean,



-you're so thin.

- Really?



Does it show?



I mean,

you're beautiful!



- Oh, Sam!

- Oh, Barbara!



I hope my marriage

is as strong as theirs after    years.



I can't believe

we doubted Stone's

affection for his wife.



- We almost blew it.

Thank God she's alive.

- [ Grunting ]



Ol' buddy, you work,

you put in long hours.

It's a tough beat.



But it all seems worth it

when you get a moment like this.



{ Walters }

Yeah, I love a happy ending.



[ Grunting ]




{ Splash }



  {"Modern Woman"}



  You see her sittin'

with a coffee and a paper  



  With her high-top sneakers

of Italian design  



  With her long, cool stare

she aggravates attention  



 Makes up her face

while she makes up her mind  



 Now you're in trouble

maybe she's an intellectual  



  What if she figures out

you're not very smart  



 Maybe she's the quiet type

who's into heavy metal  



  You've got to get it settled

'cause she's breaking your heart  



 Don't try to

put on an act  



  You can't do that

to a modern woman  



  When you're an

old-fashioned man  



 She understands

the things you're doing  



 She's a modern woman  



 She looks sleek

she seems so professional  



 She's got a lot of confidence

it's easy to see  



  You want to make a move

but you feel so inferior  



  'Cause under that exterior

is someone who's sleek  



 She's got style

she's got her own money  



 So she's not another honey

you can quickly disarm  



 She's got the eyes

that make you realize  



 She won't be hypnotized

by your usual charm  



  You've got your plan of attack

that won't attract

a modern woman  



  When you're an

old-fashioned man  



 She understands

the things you're doin' 



 She's a modern woman  



 As time goes by and

you're sharing an apartment  



 She says she loves you

but she doesn't know why  



  The morning she gives you

your coffee and your paper  



 It's a strange situation

for an old-fashioned guy  



 But times have changed

things are not the same, baby  



  You won't be changed

it's your bad attitude  



 Rock'n'roll just used

to be for kicks and

nowadays it's politics  



 And after     

what else could be new  



  You've got to learn

to relax and face

the facts of a modern woman  



 And you're an

old-fashioned man  



 She understands

the things you're doin' 



 She's a modern woman  



 She's a modern woman  



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