Saving Grace Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Saving Grace script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Craig Ferguson and Brenda Blethyn movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Saving Grace. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Saving Grace Script



            All things wise and beautiful

            All creatures great and small

            All things wise and wonderful

            The good Lord made them all

            Grant us, Lord, the wisdom and the grace to use right...

            the time that is left to us here on Earth.

            Lead us to repent of our sins, the evil we have done...

            and the good we have not done.

            And strengthen us to follow the steps of Your son...

            in the way that leads to the fullness of eternal life.

            For Jesus Christ, Our Lord, Amen.



            Still owes me for a lobster.

            It's like that David Bowie film: "The Man Who Fell to Earth".

            No, it's not! Trevethyn jumped off a plane without a parachute.

            -In the film, Bowie was an alien. -"Is" an alien.

            Don't start with that bollocks.

            There are many people in show biz that are from off-world.

            Have you ever looked into David Bowie's eyes?

            By that same token, you could say that Charlie was an alien.


            -Charlie, more wine? -Thanks, Grace.

            -House looks lovely! -Oh, thank you.

            -Maurice? -Yeah, thank you.

            -Thank you, Grace. -Thank you, Grace.

            -Tongue. Sausage rolls in the kitchen. -Thank you.

            -Wash your hands. -Okay.

            Grace, who are you looking for?

            Matthew, there you are!

            Would you check the humidifier in the greenhouse? I completely forgot.

            It's done! I did it yesterday when you asked me.

            Don't know what I'd do without him.

            What kind of injuries would someone have if they fell from that height?

            -Very bad ones. -Why did he do it?

            We don't really know.

            Maybe he thought he was going to the bathroom and picked the wrong door.

            Yes, very likely. Would you excuse me?

             -I'm gonna get you! -No, you're not! You can't catch me!


              -Have you got any? -No. There's none about.


              -Alright, come on. -Good.

              She's not here, Grace.

              -Who's not here? -She left just after the service.

              -Did you talk to her? -No.

              -Do you think she'll leave? -She loves it here.

              Diana thinks it was an accident. He was just looking for the lavatory.

              I imagine he went on the way down.

              Is this the last of it?

              Enjoy. It's gonna be a long cold winter.

              All right, Alfred?

              -Hi, Dr. Bamford! -Hi, Matthew.

              I wonder if you could do me a favour, doctor.

              My ear needs to be looked at again. It's still...

              still giving me gyp. I'll pop into the surgery tomorrow.

              Okay. Well, I'd better be off.

              There's reports of salmon poachers out in the estuary.

              You alright?

              You have no idea.

              My mom wanted to get one of those dishwashers.

              My dad said "no". She's already got one. Him.

              If there's anything I can do, Grace, you know, in the house...

              Well, everyone's been very kind, but, really...

              ...I'm fine. -I'll do that.

              No, it's...


              I'm fine.


              -Morning, Matthew. -Hi ya.

              -Hello, Joyce. -Good morning, Grace.

              -Morning, Tom! -Hello, Grace!

              Good morning, ladies.

              Morning, Grace.

              I'd like a package of paracetamol and I'd like to settle my account.

              Oh, no... We've...

              Lost our accounts. Why don't you pay us next month?

              -Lost the accounts? -Yes.

              It's very mysterious.

              -I'll just take the paracetamol. -Right so.

              How much is that?

              Five pence.

              No, it's £    on the box.

              Special offer.

              Thank you.

              Right. Thank you.

              -Bye-bye now. -Bye-bye.

              I can extend the overdraft...

              a bit. And maybe you can find out if there's a life insurance policy.

              -Investments. -I don't understand, it's a mistake.

              Your late husband used the house as an asset to raise capital.

              As you have no children, you'll inherit the estate...

              but you'll also inherit the mortgage.

              Fine. The house's     years old. The mortgage must be paid off by now.

              You don't understand.

              He used the house as collateral for loans to finance business deals.

              None of which, actually, took off.

              -What about the money he left me? -There isn't any.

              And there are the mortgage payments.

              -How much are they? -Two thousand pounds a month.

              I'll be up your flu in a minute or two

              Cause I know where to find it

              It's on your back and it's called...

              Hey, how are you doing?

              Matthew, I've got some bad news, I'm afraid.

              I know.

              -Have you tried plant food? -I tried everything.

              They died on purpose. I even talk to them.

              -What do you say? -"Would you mind not dying?"

              You really are a crap gardener, Matthew.

              What do I know about plants? I'm from Glasgow!

              -I hate this. I really hate this. -Will somebody else do it?

              -We're sea people. -He's not. He's a doctor!

              I don't have a fabulous record when it comes to keeping things alive.

              It's like the signs.

              What signs?


              Final conflict. A man falls from the sky...

              you lose your job, and all the plants are dying.

              I meant to do that.

              Do you have a stock portfolio, perhaps?

              -What's that? -I don't know.

              I just thought you might have one.

              No, there's nothing like that. It's just bills and letters of credit.

              I don't understand. There are accounts here of companies I haven't heard of.

              We've got a Swiss bank account.

              There's nothing in it, but we do have one.

              I'm sure there's something tucked away somewhere.

              That's what I thought, Gerald.

              But no. No, there's not.

              There's nothing!

              What in God's name am I going to do?

              -Are you alright? You look peaky. -I'm fine.

              -I've just a bad hangover. -I can't remember if we drank much.

              God, you're really ill. You never get hangovers...

              -I'll be fine once I get on the boat. -You shouldn't go to work.

              I think you should see the doctor.

              I can't see anyone without an appointment.

              -Tea? -Yes, please!

              Hey, what are you doing? Get off! Get off of there!

              Given your recent troubles, we rather thought you'd want to cancel.

              It's only a tea party. We could have it anywhere.

              But we always have it here. It's tradition.

              I've been working on a new hybrid.

              "Phalanopsis pathopedilum." It's beautiful!

              Alright, ladies. Back to business.

              Do we invite Dr. Bamford...

              given his disgraceful display last year?

              No! Come on, sir. Off the mower!

              -What's going on? -Afternoon, Mrs. Trevethyn.

              Hello, Bob. Terry.

              -How's your mom's hip, Bob? -Much better, thanks.

              -Good, good. -They wanna take the lawn mower.

              It's the finance company. There haven't been any payments.

              Well, you'd better take it, then.

              I'm really sorry.

              Matthew! Matthew, you don't have to do this.

              It's alright! You paid me till the end of the week.

              I don't believe he even lied about the lawn mower.

              He lied about everything.

              -Can't you get a job? -What could I do?

              You could...

              -Do you want a cup of tea? -No, thank you.


              ...I'm really sorry about your job. -It's alright.

              You're gonna have to get a goat.

              -If there's anything else I can do. -I was hoping you would say that.

              -Why? -Grace...

              you are the best gardener in the world.

              I've got some plants that are really sick.

              -They desperately need help. -Well, where are they?


              -Why are you whispering? -I don't wanna wake up any squirrels.

              Just through here. Here!

              -Are these Gerald's plants? -No, no. They're mine.

              I think I may have over watered them.

              I'm not stupid, Matthew. I know what this is.

              What is it?

              -Hemp. -Is it?

              -Alright, it's hemp. -They're not getting enough light.

              They're never going to grow in the dark down here.

              -I didn't want anybody to see them. -You wouldn't, would you?

              For these poor things to grow, they need some decent soil and better light.

              Okay, thanks.

              Come on, let's take one back to the greenhouse, see what we can do.

              You may not want to do that.

              I'm a gardener. These are sick plants.


              -Look! There's Gerald! -He won't see us. His eyes are bad.

              Quick! Quick!

              -Where have you been? -It's brilliant, Nicky.

              -I've saved the plants. -How?

              -I called in an expert. -Who?

              The best gardener in the world.

              -Grace! -Grace?

              It's fantastic! It's compensation for laying me off. Isn't that nice?

              -I don't know. -What do you mean, you don't know?

              Hasn't she got enough problems without getting into drugs?

              -What are you talking about, drugs? -You know what I'm talking about.

              They're still illegal. She's very vulnerable just now.

              I hope you're not taking advantage of her.

              I'm doing this for us!

              -Is this how you say "thanks"? -No.

              I've got a much better way.

              Congratulations, Mr. Stuart.

              You are tonight's lucky Scotsman.

              -Well, I either am or I'm not. -No, no, you definitely are.

              Pregnant indeed.

              -Is that a good thing? -Yes.

              Yes, it's brilliant.

              Any idea who the father is?

              I think I know. I saw some of the chromosomes had little kilts on.

              Very funny.

              I do have some bad news, though.

              -What? -There's a risk of ginger hair.

              -Piss off. -How are all our plants doing?

              He's called in an expert.

              Sounds good.

              Don't mention the baby yet. I wanna tell him when the time is right.

              What baby? Have a sweetie.

              -Will she live, doctor? -I think so.

              -Where did these seeds come from? -A guy in a pub in Bodmin.

              I mean what kind are they?

              They're "Indicasativa" hybrids.

              "Purple Haze" with "Early Pearl" crossed with "Ruderalis".

              But anyway, they're designed to grow in a very sunny climate.

              If you say so.

              Is it the bud the bit you're after?


              -What is it? -That's the start of a new bud.

              You did that in    hours?

              -You're a witch. -It's not me, really.

              It's just a question of having enough light.

              No light, no buds. Simple.

              -Yes? -Is it alright if I park there?

              -Yes. -Dogs?

              -Dogs? -Dogs. Do you have dogs?

              Postmen and surveyors. Irresistible to our canine friends.

              -No, there's no dogs. -Good.

              Yes, fabulous hall.

              -Can I help you? -No, no. I'm fine on my own.

              -Tea is always nice. -You've come to the wrong house.

              I'm sorry, Nigel Plimpton.

              Trevethyn? Liac House?

              Evaluation for Ramptons redebts outstanding.

              It's a standard procedure before a house is put up for auction.

              But the house is not for auction.

              I'm afraid it will be.

              Here, look.

              People in your position often stop opening their mail...

              so I'm the first real proof it's all happening.

              I'll beg you to leave, please.

              I'm sorry. I can't.

              -I really must do this. -I'd like you to leave as well.

              Call the office to reschedule.

              Thank you.

              Ramptons is an enormous investment trust.

              John's syndicate took a huge tumble.

              I'd no idea he had business interest in the city.

              Yes, but how much do I owe them?

              If you don't pay the money owing, they can claim any or all...

              of your assets.

              This, of course, would include...

              ...the house. -How much do I owe them, Melvyn?

                  thousand pounds.



              -Matthew? -Yeah?

              You know that plant...

              I'm looking after for you?

              -How much is it worth? -It hasn't died, has it?

              No, no, it's thriving! I just...

              wondered how much you'd get for it.

              Ounce for ounce, the really good stuff is worth more than gold.

              Greenhouse, now!

              Here's what I think: we take cuttings from the mother plant...

              root them, grow them hydroponically and go straight to budding.

              We could have the first harvest in a matter of weeks.

              You could clear what you need in the  st run and in the time you've got.

              You haven't given it any thought, then.

              You can't tell anybody.

              He just started. We've got at least an hour.

              -Sorry. -You've done it all

              You've broken every code

              Hold the rebel to the floor

              You've spoiled the game No matter what you say

              For only metal What a bore

              Be reasonable. That piece is worth that alone!

              I'm being very fair, Mrs. T. Very good price I'm giving you.

              -It's daylight robbery! -What else do you got?

              Come and see me Make me smile

              Or do what you want

              Run on wild

              There's nothing left

              All gone and runaway

              Maybe you'll tarry For a while

              -Is it this blue one, Jack? -That's right.

              It's just a test A game for us to play

              Hi, Grace.

              -Hello, Nicky! -I haven't seen you for days.

              -Are you okay? -Yes! Busy.

              What are you doing?

              I'm building a fence. Keep out the rabbits.

              With electrical wire?

              -It's an electric fence. -Okay.

              Is Matt up at the house? I just gotta see him about something.

              No, he's out. He's looking for a transformer.

              For the electric fence.

              If you do see him, would you tell him I'll meet him at the pub at  ?

              Yeah, right-o.

              -Bye! -Bye!

              Good book, is it?

              Oh, Jackie Collins.

              I'm reading a Kafka at the moment. Not very funny.

              Except the one about a bloke that turns into a beetle. Really wacky.

              Wouldn't get anybody turning into a beetle in a Jackie Collins.

              You might get someone sleeping with a beetle.

              "He wrapped her up, in his stick-like arms, all six of them...

              tapping her sensuously on the head...

              with his wiggly wobbly aerials."

              That's it. If he comes in now, tell him I left in a huff.

              -Alright, love. -Good night.

              -Probably lying in your couch asleep. -Yeah, you're right.


              It gives me great pleasure to ask Dame Reggae Spliff of Port Liac...

              to switch on this year's illumination.

              Thank you, thank you, thank you.

              When I die And they lay me to rest

              Gonna go to the place that's the best

              When they lay me down to die

              Going up to the spirit in the sky

              Going up to the spirit in the sky

              -Where are you? -Here we are...

              I'm gonna go to a place that's best

              They were up at the house, I swear it.

              I told you.

              -That's a lot of light. -Let's call the police...

              and the RAF. They'll wanna be included.

              Let's just go back into the pub. I wanna discuss something with you.

              Are you out of your fucking mind? We gotta save Grace!

              I know what's causing the lights. Just get back into the pub.

              -Is it gonna blow? -No, I don't think so.

              That's it.

              -Well, how do you know? -I've seen it before in Amsterdam...

              years ago, when I was on a medical study, studying something medical.

              -So that's her plan, then? -From what Matt's been saying...

              ...and putting   and   together... -It kinda warms the heart...

              Grace carrying on the local tradition of complete contempt for the law.

              -Makes you proud. -Did you try that stuff, doctor?

              Once, at university. Didn't inhale.


              -Evening. -All right?

              Drinking after hours, Charlie?

              Private party, sergeant.

              Lagaboollen.    year-old.

              Just a small one. Any of you noticed those lights out towards Liac House?

              -No. -No.

              -How's your ear? -Any luck with those poachers?

              I'll get them, just a matter of time. Crime never pays.

              -Certainly not. -Certainly.

              -Where have you been? -Nowhere.

              -What have you been up to? -Nothing.

              Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up.

              I was working up at the house. I lost track of time. Sorry.

              I waited for ages in the pub. Didn't Grace tell you?

              She did. I was really, really busy. I'm really, really sorry.

              -I've got something to tell you. -Good, me too. Sit.

              -Let me go first. It's really good. -So is mine.

              Right, you go first.

              -No, you go first. -Alright.

              I'm moving the plants up to Liac House. They're gonna grow quickly.

              There's a special way of growing them. It's called "hydroponics".

              Grace is a good gardener. We're gonna get out of money problems.

              -"We"? -Me and Grace. Simple and perfect.

              We sell it! And anything over what she needs we split fifty-fifty.

              Look, it's extreme, but it's smart.

              I don't wanna leave here to get work and this way I get to stay.

              -Until you go to jail. -I won't go to jail!

              Smoking weed is one thing. Large scale cultivation is another.

              I'm surprised at Grace. It's really stupid.

              It's not stupid, it's smart. It'd be different if it was your idea.

              Right. When you're being chased in the cell by a thief with a stiffy...

              I'll be standing here thinking: "Why couldn't it have been me?

              Why couldn't I have had that brilliant idea?"

              You've been bleating on about how sad you are about losing your job...

              and what's your solution? Crime!

              You get in deeper and you drag Grace down with you.

              Matthew, you are such an idiot!

              What's your news then?

              Doesn't matter.

              -Hello? -Hello, Mrs. Trevethyn?

              Quentin Rhodes here, from Ramptons. It's about our surveyor.

              "Velly solly. Long rumba."

              Get both of those.

              So she sort of gets through there, you see?


              -Mrs. Trevethyn. -Hello.

              -Have you met my friend Tony? -Hello.

              My name is Tony. I'm from Scandinavia.


              Tony, could you go and get one of those giant bags of kitty litter?

              He doesn't talk much.

              Does he have to?

              Grace, have you read any of my letters?

              I'm sorry, no. But I'm working on a little plan.

              It's a bit soon to talk about it now, but I don't want to jinx it.

              Grace, I can't do anymore to hold them off.

              It's gone up to head office, and they don't know you.

              All they see is a middle-aged woman with huge debts and no income!

              -What are you going to do? -I'm becoming a drugs dealer.

              Grace, I'm serious.

              Thank you, Tony. You will phone me, won't you?

              -Yes, righty-o. -Come on, Tony.

              Honey Chambers?

                 Wilberforce Street, London, South West Three.

              He had me post his letters.

              I never got any.

              Would you like a drink?

              -Do you have any children? -No! I'm not very maternal.

              I couldn't have any.

              -No, I know. -Gosh, you know a lot!

              Can I ask you another question?

              If you want.

              How did you cope with sex?

              -Sex? -Sex.

              What a nightmare!

              It was exhausting!

              Oh, God, it was so frustrating! Talk about flogging a dead horse!


              Not really.

              What did you do then?

              -We shouldn't be talking about that. -Please, I'd like to know.


              -Ice cream. -What? Pardon?

              Ice cream. I sucked it from his fingertips. It drove him wild.

              I had to pretend to pass out to get any rest at all. He was insatiable.

              I think he thought you weren't interested.

              He was wrong.

              It's a beautiful house.

              Yes. I think I'd like you to leave now.

              -He did love you. -Don't patronise me.

              Look, if you ever want to talk...

              Yeah, I know the address.


              Will you give me one?


              I want to know what it feels like.



              If I'm growing it and selling it, I should know the effect it has.

              -Oh, yeah! Of course you should. -No, not here!

              Come on. Let's get it over and done with.

              Calm down! There's no one about, relax.

              I don't feel anything.

              Slow down.

              Is this addictive?

              It's not crack.

              Are you sure this works?

              Oh, yes.

              -What? -Nothing.

              What? What?

              -What? -It's you. You're Scottish!

              Thank you.

              God, I love it here.

              You're feeling any better?

              Still feeling a little bit dizzy.

              You're hungry?

              Oh, yes! God, I haven't thought of that.

              I'm ravenous.

              What made you decide to do this?

                 Wilberforce Street.

              Mrs. Trevethyn? Please,don't put the phone down.

              -Please, don't put the phone down. -Problem?

              I've been trying to get through Mrs. Trevethyn for most of my life.

              Phone, letters...

              What is that woman doing down there?

              I don't know what's wrong with her. She's been really moody recently.

              -Maybe she just doesn't approve. -Desperate times call for...

              desperate measures. We could go to Glasgow but she didn't want it.

              My uncle Willie's got a building site there.

              -What does he build? -Houses.

              -Round there. -What?

              I play a good game, but not as good as you

              I can be a little cold but you can be so cruel

              I'm not made of brick I'm not made of stone

              -But I had you fooled -Five, four, three...

              two, one...

              Now the damage is done

              There's blood in these veins And I cry when in pain

              I'm only human on the inside

              And if looks could deceive Make it hard to believe

              I'm only human on the inside

              I thought you'd come through I thought he'd come clean

              You were the best thing I should never have seen

              But you go to extremes You pushed me too far

              Then you keep going until you break my heart

              Yeah, you break my heart

              See, I bleed and I bruise But what's it to you?

              I'm only human on the inside

              -What do you want? -I brought lunch.

              Cornish pastries. I'm kidding.

              Fish. You brought me fish?

              I thought it 'd be a nice change.

              What are you doing here? You never come on the boat.

              I was wondering what you looked like. I go to bed when you get up.

              -It's the tides. -It's not the tides.

              -I don't like what you're doing. -I know.

              I don't wanna be in a relationship with someone who's irresponsible.

              Yes, you do. I have been irresponsible my whole life!

              -Well, it's time you changed. -Why?

              You're getting old!

              I'm not getting old. These are laugh lines.

              Nothing is that funny.

              I don't understand. I thought you liked me the way I am.

              I do.

              But things change and you have to change with them.

              Fish and chips. Fantastic!

              In a few minutes, Tim Buxton'll be here with more fun in the afternoon.

              First, it's    o'clock. Time for the news headline.

              Police are celebrating a major victory in the war on drugs today.

              Two men and one woman were found guilty at Bristol Crown Court...

              after police discovered marijuana with an estimated street value...

              of half a million pounds hidden in a barn on their family farm.

              Sentencing them to    year jail sentences, the judge...

              -Hello! -Yeah...

              -Are you alright? -I'm fine.

              I just wondered. You didn't come into the pub last night.

              I'm not drinking at the moment.

              Are you angry with me?

              No, I'm angry at Matthew. It's his fault.

              It was my decision to do it. I'm trying to save my house.

              Everybody knows what you're doing. Soon you'll have the police there.

              They'll never find out.

              Your greenhouse lights up like a space ship. People aren't stupid.

              -Anyway, we're nearly done now. -He could be in jail by tomorrow.

              Why aren't you drinking?

              I just don't feel like it.

              He doesn't know, does he?

              How can I help?

              Don't let him go to jail.

              Our mutant buds will soon be ready, great one!

              We can release them into the atmosphere...

              and take over the entire planet!

              Do you realize what we have done here? This is fabulous!

              It's time for me to go to London and get a dealer.

              No, you are not. You're staying here, I'm going.

              -What? -It's my decision.

              I don't think you realize what you're dealing with here.

              You were in London   years ago for the Chelsea Flower Show.

              You can't sell this stuff to a florist.

              What's your master plan then?

              I'd go to Portobello Rd. or Notting Hill, find a dealer and sell it.

              -That's your plan? That's it? -Yeah.

              -Rubbish. -You've got nothing!

              A drug dealer take one look at you and know there's something fishy going on.

              With all due respect, I'm the hip one. You're more hip replacement.

              One more word, and I'm gonna throw the whole lot into the sea.

              -You're not thinking this through. -I mean it.

              You are not the boss of me. We're partners!

              The checks bounced, remember?

              Women like cuddly toys, don't they?

              They like to hug and squeeze them, poke their eyes and rip their limbs.

              I avoid confrontation, I know it.

              But if you grew up in Glasgow in the  O's, you'd do the same.

              All I want is an easy life. Grow some vegetables, smoke a reefer...

              sing some carols at Christmas time.

              One day, I'd like to be a dad and raise a couple of calm children.

              That's it, I've fucking had enough. I'm gone. No more Mr. Cuddly Toy...

              or whipping boy for Ganja Grace and Cap. Nicky, the lobster queen.

              I'm fucking gone! I'm gone! I'm fucking out of here!

              Before that, I'm gonna see both of them and give them a piece of my mind.

              Are you done?

              Good shot.

              Get out!


              Can I show you something privately? It's ever so nice.

              Come on, let's go.

              -Can I show you? -I don't know who you are.

              I'm not interested...

              Come on.

              Come here!

              I've got something really tasty.

              Are you looking for something? Know what I mean?

              Alright, love. Hop in.


              Excuse me. Yo!

              I love it here. It's so quiet.

                If you think this is quiet, you should see Evensong.

                I wish I were a Catholic sometimes.

                Incense, nice costumes... A lot to be said for it, really.

                They have confession too.

                I've got some friends...

                and I think they're going to get into a lot of trouble.

                And I don't know what to do.

                Don't suppose you can go to the police?

                I thought not.

                If you have to commit crime...

                to get what you want...

                then you're not meant to have it.

                I don't know if I'm worried more for them or worried for myself.

                If one has a problem that seems to be unsolvable...

                than perhaps one shouldn't try to solve it, one should accept it.

                -What do you mean? -"God, grant me the serenity...

                to accept the things I cannot change...

                courage to change the things I can...

                and the wisdom to know the difference."

                The wisdom is the hard part.

                I like Matthew. He's a good soul...

                for a Scotsman.

                What on Earth did you think you were doing?

                You can't hang around pubs this way. You're bound to get into trouble.

                If you're trying to meet a man, I know so much better places.

                I wasn't trying to meet a man!

                Keep walking.

                -Go on, you'll be arrested. -We need to talk!

                -Have you seen Nicky? -No. Where the hell have you been?

                Grace had to get Harvey to watch the plants.

                -What? -I took her to the station.

                -She's gone to London. -Fuck!

                Where are we going?

                   Wilberforce Street SW .

                Ask your Scottish friend to help. He'd know better how to go about it.

                His girlfriend is pregnant. He can't get into trouble.

                I just want you to ring a dealer, that's all.

                -It's mad. You'll end up in jail. -I'm not going to give up.

                Call a dealer.

                How do you know that I know one?

                On one condition: that you let me lend you an outfit that's...

                not that.

                -Kelly? -Sir?

                Give times of trains to Cornwall tomorrow.

                Yes, sir.

                Draw, spliff...


                ...shit. -Yes, thank you.

                Call it what you will...

                but, as my belief, it is the door to enlightenment.

                -In your own time. -And now, the acid test.


                I'll give you  O for it.

                -Don't be silly. - O?

                That's just a sample. I've got  O kilos.

                 O kilos, Grace!

                You've caught the wrong man. I'm on a limited operation.

                -You're talking big leagues! -Well, you just got promoted.

                I don't have that kind of money.

                Well, do you know anybody who does?

                I've heard of someone.

                Call him.

                He's a bit heavy. He's not like us. He's not...

                Laid back.

                Call him.

                -Come on, Honey! -There she is.

                -You don't know who the guy is. -I don't care who the guy is.

                He may be a drug dealer. You can't wander into something like that.

                -Why have you got so bossy? -You are so fucking insensitive!

                -That could be dangerous! -They're getting away now!

                Follow them, you dozy quack!

                Just like a window display at Harvey Nicks.

                There's a rave tonight. We hold them here.

                -What's a rave? -Grace!

                -What have you brought me, China? -Two ladies and a fucking hippie.

                What do they want?

                "Touché! Sûr la tête!"

                -You like to fish? -Where I live, the fishing is wonderful.

                I hate it here.

                The fishing is terrible.

                I should visit you.

                Where do you live?

                What's your name?





                Funny smell.

                Who's that?

                Harvey. Where's Grace?

                We've come to finalize the details of the Women's Institute visit.

                Grace invited us to supper. It was arranged ages ago!

                -You gotta get out. -No, we have to speak to Grace.

                No, you have to leave. It's the plants, you see?

                They're very delicate. They're special orchids from Peru.

                These aren't orchids.

                -Aren't they? -No! They look more like tea.

                Tea, what a good idea. Let's go in the kitchen...

                ...and I'll make you a cup of tea. -I was expecting supper.

                There's some ham left over, I can knock you up a sandwich.

                What's that funny smell?

                It's probably the ham. It's been left out a bit, but it's okay.

                Where did you get it?

                The people I represent wish to remain anonymous.

                Oh, yes.

                The people I represent wish to remain anonymous as well.

                Maybe they are the same people.

                Can I go now? I've got to pick up my daughter at the flute practice.

                How much do you have?

                A lot. Are you buying?

                Why don't I just take it?

                You don't know where it is.

                I'm sure I can get you to tell me.

                What if I cut a few fingers one by one until you change your mind?

                Nobody move! I'm the police! The whole place is surrounded!

                -And you would be? -Hello, everyone.

                Martin Bamford. Are we too early for the rave?

                I can't wait. I just love raving.

                -This has nothing to do with me. -Shut up, beardy-weirdy.

                -Who's this guy? -That's my doctor.

                This one?

                He's my gardener.

                -Nice. Expecting anyone else? -No.

                Your cleaning lady, perhaps?

                -No, no one else. -Very well...

                This is China, he beats people up for me.

                -Shall l... -No, please...

                Matthew, take Dr. Bamford and Honey and wait for me outside.



                Excuse me.

                -Grace... -Wait for me outside.

                Shall I go too?

                Sit down, please.

                All the people I deal with are...


                I'm a little scummy myself. You are not scum.

                -That worries me. -I take exception to that.

                I come from a long line of scum.

                My late husband was the scummiest man to walk the face of the Earth.

                -My apologies. -Yes, let's get to it, shall we?

                Three and a half a kilo.

                 O kg in the first week and then  O kg two weeks later.

                After that, we can do  O kg every four weeks.

                Three for a kilo. And no more deals until I see the first batch.

                -Three and a quarter. -Done.

                Thank you!

                You're welcome.

                Can I offer you a glass of wine?

                I can't believe your friend fainted.

                Do I look like I would cut someone's finger off?

                -Oh, yes. -Thank you.

                -You're going to be alright? -Never felt better, Honey.

                Now, headache pills and straight to bed.

                -Don't go over any bumps. -Good luck!

                Come on, boys.

                What do you think?

                I'm not sure.

                Follow them.

                What do I do with the hippie?

                Take him.

                My old lady is expecting me. We're having "Dungeons and Dragons" night.

                It's the regional final.

                If that knife had slipped, I'd be a dead man.

                It 'd be a dead body driving this car back to Cornwall.

                Don't be so stupid. He was bluffing.

                As long as we have the merchandise, we have the power.

                Do I know you? What are you talking about "merchandise and power"?

                Look at the way you're dressed. You're like Ma fucking Baker!

                -Language! -Don't you "Language" me!

                -I nearly got my throat cut for you! -You weren't supposed to be here.

                Fine! Do it yourself with Jacques fucking Cousteau then!

                -I'm out! -What?

                I can't find Grace's plants anywhere.

                This tea has the most extraordinary aroma.



                Oh, Diana, you never...

                Just a little cutting. I do love fresh tea.

                So do I, dear. Give it here.

                That's lovely.

                I'm sorry for shouting at you.

                How else am I gonna get the money?

                I don't know.

                It's Nicky.

                She doesn't want a relationship with someone irresponsible.

                And I don't want a relationship with someone who isn't Nicky.

                That's better. Ready for my breakfast now.

                Come on!

                For Christ's sake!

                Okay, we harvest the plants and we get the stuff up to London...

                ...and we never do it again! -Thank you.

                We do it quick as well. I don't want another knife on my throat.

                You know, this is the site of the new proposed B-   .

                Due for completion early  OO .

                I can't believe you lost them! How could you've lost them?

                It's not as if there's a lot of traffic out there!

                I'm sorry, right?

                I'm not a career criminal. I don't have tailing abilities.

                Are you getting lippy with me? Don't start getting lippy with me!

                What? I'm just trying to make the best of it.

                Since we came all the way here, we might as well enjoy the day out.

                Get in the car. Just shut up and get in the car!

                You need to sort out some anger management when you get home.


                You forgot your meeting with the WI. They were in the greenhouse...

                It's alright, I bluffed them. And Nicky was here.

                What did you tell her?

                That you went to London with Dr. Bamford help Grace sell the drugs.

                -Shit! Grace, I have to go see her. -That's alright, don't worry.

                Harvey and I will start on the greenhouse.

                Come on, Harvey.

                Thanks. Do you know where Liac House is? Mrs. Trevethyn?

                -No. -I'll ask around.

                -Try the shop. -Keep the change.


                Thank you.

                Hello! Anybody home?


                May I help you?

                Would you like some Corn Flakes? They're heavenly.

                No, thank you. I've already eaten.

                Would you like a chocolate ice cream?

                I'm looking for Liac House. I want to contact Grace Trevethyn.

                I love Grace. I really, really love her.

                She's an angel.

                She has wonderful hair...

                soft and silky, like a lovely angora rabbit.


                -Where do I find her? -She lives...

                in a lovely, lovely house.

                -I love her. -How do I get to the lovely house?

                Up the lovely, lovely hill.

                Lovely, lovely, lovely

                One, two, three, now.



                Nicky, I'm sorry I did something illegal.

                -I'm gonna get a proper job! -What?

                I'm ready to be responsible!

                -I love you! -I can't hear you! What did you say?

                I love you!

                I love you! I'm pregnant!

                -What? -I'm having a baby!

                No, no! Get out of the water! You're pregnant!

                No, no! You can't swim! You're pregnant!

                Mrs. Trevethyn?

                It's Quentin Rhodes.

                I can't see that person. Not now, you've got to get rid of him.

                -What do I say? -I don't know. Tell him anything.

                Tell him I'm still in London, I've been kidnapped by aliens, anything!

                -Charlie, whisky! -Thank God.

                I've been trying to reach you at the house. No one answer the phone!

                -What's wrong? -There were two men here.

                Londoners. Asking about Grace. I thought, maybe, Customs.


                -That's them. -Oh, shit!

                -What? -They're no Customs.

                -They're drug dealers from London. -So I was right about London.

                We'll go up to the house. Nicky, meet us there with Dr. Bamford.

                Give this to me! What's the matter with you?

                Get up there! How many times have I gotta tell you?

                -Alfred. -What is it?

                The two men who own this car, they were just in the pub.

                I overheard them talking about how much they enjoy salmon poaching.


                Thank you, Nicky. There could be a community service for you.

                Thanks, I've gotta go. I'm pregnant.

                Oh, yes, yes, of course.

                -What are they doing here? -They're not on holiday, Grace.

                -But Jacques said a week. -Well, he lied.

                -Quentin Rhodes is here. -Who the fuck is Quentin Rhodes?

                Harvey is holding him off. What are we gonna do?

                Let's just get rid of this stuff and get this thing over with, okay?


                Up the hill, second house on the left.

                 -  to base. Suspects under surveillance.

                Copy that. On our way.

                Mrs. Trevethyn!

                I've just come to warn you there are   men who are part of a salmon...

                It's parsley.

                It's marijuana, isn't it?


                I knew you and Matthew were growing it, but I had no idea.

                -You knew? -I live around here, don't l?

                But with your financial problems, I thought I'd turn a blind eye...

                to a bit of homegrown.

                But, Grace, this is a huge amount.

                It's good stuff too. Better than the shit you grew at the vicarage.

                You knew about that?

                Alfred, in a few minutes, we'll have got rid of it.

                Can't you turn your blind eye just a little bit longer?

                It's not me, it's the officers from Coldock H.Q. which worry me.

                -Oh, God, what are we gonna do? -If I were you...

                I'd get rid of this stuff quick. I'm gonna go look for poachers.

                Excuse me a moment.

                -Who are you? -Who are you?

                He asked first.

                I'm here to do some business with Mrs. Trevethyn.

                So are we.


                Are you interested in buying the property or do you have...

                a claim on it in some way?

                What is this?

                Well, there it is.

                We did it.

                We did, didn't we?

                There's another   men here. What are we gonna do?

                -Skin up. -Even you can't smoke all of it.

                -I could try. -Maybe no one should have the stuff.


                -Thank you, Matthew. -You're welcome, Grace.

                Put that match out!

                Look, I have no idea what's going on but...

                I think you'd better put it out.

                That's the most beautiful and awesome thing I've ever seen.

                Hello, Mrs. Trevethyn. I hope we're not too early.

                Who the hell are you?


                Look, ladies. No, ladies, no, no!

                -Come on, make a run for it. -What about you?

                Don't worry about me. I can handle this.

                No, we did this together. I'm staying.

                I love you both very much indeed. But, Matthew, you're fired.

                Come on.

                Get off! Get off!

                Get that man!

                What are you arresting me for?

                No, madam! Stop there! Right...

                Hello, Grace.

                I trusted you.

                Whatever happened to honour amongst thieves?

                -What about our deal? -It's nice to see you too.

                You can't even do your own dirty work.

                -Dirty work? -Why did you send in your boys?

                To keep an eye on you.

                To stop you from coming to any harm.

                -Do you expect me to believe that? -It's the truth.

                I hope I haven't spoiled everything.

                Are you trying to escape?

                -Maybe I could help. -No, thank you.

                Mrs. Trevethyn!


                Those fingers through my hair

                That sly come hither stare

                That strips my conscience bare It's witchcraft

                And I've got no defense for it

                The heat is too intense for it

                What good would common sense for it do?

                Cause it's witchcraft

                -Witchcraft -I like it here.

                And although I know it's strictly taboo

                When you ride with me

                Is this the face of a master criminal?

                Tonight, we investigate the mystery behind Grace Trevethyn.

                How did an unknown widow facing bankruptcy...

                saved her house and become the most celebrated novelist of the year.

                Mrs. Trevethyn's novel, "The Joint Venture"...

                has topped the best seller list for over a year now.

                Although the book is sold as fiction, the story bears remarkable similarity...

                to Trevethyn's own life.

                And her recent marriage to a mysterious French businessman...

                has fuelled tabloids' speculation that she was, at one time...

                actually involved with the drug trade.

                So, what is the true story?

                We went to the sleepy village of Port Liac to find out.

                Turn it up, Charlie, turn it up.

                Wasn't there an incident up at the Liac House?

                The police were called, but there was a problem with witnesses.

                -No one wanted to talk? -No one could remember anything.

                Excuse me.

                -We think it's fiction, don't we? -Yeah.

                Because, in the book...

                Grace was growing drugs. But, in real life, she was growing tea!

                As a doctor, a man of science...

                I could never condone the use of a drug for a non-therapeutic thingy.

                -Have you got anything? -See me later. It's good.

                -Is it? -Ooh...

                It does seem strange that alcohol is legal and marijuana is not.

                It's an accident of History, I suppose.

                So you didn't have any marijuana growing in your garden?

                Bless you.

                Do you think "The Joint Venture" is fiction or fact?

                No, it's all fiction. My wife has a fertile imagination, thank God.

                What about the gangster character Pedro? Is that based on you?

                Pedro is Spanish, I'm French. Don't be absurd.

                -No, but we've heard... -It's time for you to go.

                Get off of my land. I said this is my house!

                Grace Trevethyn refused to be interviewed to this program.

                And to date she's made no public statements about the rumors.

                Tonight may change that...

                as we take you live to the New York Book Awards...

                where Grace Trevethyn has been short listed for "The Joint Venture".

                And the winner of the Award for Fiction goes to...

                Grace Trevethyn, for "The Joint Venture"!

                Gosh, what a surprise!

                I should be used to surprises after everything that's happened to me.

                I know there's been a lot of speculation about...

                whether my book is based on fact or fiction, but...

                well, to tell you the truth...

                if I told you what's happened to me, you wouldn't believe me anyway.

                I can hardly believe it myself.

                I hope they're watching this at home, because...

                I wanted to say...


                I wanted to tell you that I think you are a terrible gardener...

                but that you have helped me to grow.

                And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

                I hope you're having a great party. Keep the drinks flowing, Charlie.

                I've had another idea. I think there might be a book in it.

                Thank you.


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