Scary Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Scary Movie script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Wayans Brothers movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Scary Movie. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Scary Movie Script



          One of your old favorite songs from way back when


          Take her wrap, fellas

          Find her an empty lap, fellas

          Dolly'll never go away

          Dolly'll never go away

          Dolly'll never go away again

            Hey, do you guys know this one?


            Now this is the real shit.


            Shake your ass, watch yourself

            Shake your ass

            Show me what you're working with

            Attention all young players and pimps

            Right now is the place to be

            I thought I told y'all niggers before

            Y'all niggers don't fuck with me

            Shake your ass

            Watch yourself

            Shake your ass

            Show me what you're working with

            Shake your ass

            You suck.

            - Uh! - Uh!


            Who put the horse out?

            She's good.

            She--she's been really sick.

            Bad, bad, bad girl!

            OK. That'll be $   .  .

            Hey, buddy! Hey, pay the fare.

            I'm Father McFeely.

            I'm so glad you're here.

            I came as fast as I could, but at my age...

            the little soldier needs a lot more thumping...

            before it starts pumping, if you know what I mean.

            I do find, though, if I tickle my asshole...

            just before I unleash the dog of war--

            It's OK. I understand.

            You know, because in the old days...

            you know when you--

            How is she?

            It's gotten worse, Father.


            She won't eat, she won't talk.

            The child won't even let me touch her.

            Yes. Sometimes you have to give them candy.


            the church sent me to assist you.

            I'm Father Harris.

            - Hi. - Hi. Nice to see you.

            Would you like to see the girl?


            but first I must bless this house.

            "The sorrows of death compassed me...

            "and the pains of Hell got hold upon me.

            "I found..."

            "Then called I upon the name of the Lord and..."

            "My soul from death."

            Oh, God. Please, Lord.

            Help me to release this demon.


            Thank you, Lord, the most merciful Almighty.

            Oh, hold on.

            Ahh! Ah, those enchiladas.

            Ha, ha, ha!

            Thank you, Lord.


            Fuck this.


            Fuck! Did you see this? Look at this!

            Please, Father, think of the child.



            It's freezing.

            Let us pray.

            "Defender of the human race...

            "look down in pity upon this, your servant."

            Shove it up your ass, you worthless piece of shit.




            "Holy Lord--"

            Your mother is in here with us, Harris.

            Would you like to leave a message?

            I'll be sure that she gets it.

            Yes. Mom, will you get out of there, please?

            You're no fun.

            I'm working.

            See you later, Mrs. Harris.

            "Holy Lord, Almighty Father in--"


            "Everlasting God...

            "and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...

            "and the Virgin Mary's baby daddy.

            "Holy Lord, Almighty Father...

            "everlasting God...

            "who once consigned that fallen tyrant...

            "to the flames of Hell...

            "who sent your only son into the world...

            "to crush that roaring tiger...

            "and who got that unholy bitch Jerri...

            "kicked off of "Survivor--"

            Fuck me! Fuck me!




            This is not part of the ritual.

            In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy--

            Ha, ha, ha!

            Ha, ha, ha!

            Ha, ha, ha!


            Here you go, Father. All clean.

            Oh, thank you so much.


              Hee, hee, hee!

              You failed, McFeely.

              Your weapons are useless against me.

              Let us pray.

              BOTH? Our Father who Art in Heaven--

              Ha ha!

              Stop it!

              Hallowed be Thy name.

              Ha ha!

              Zip it.

              Thy kingdom come.

              Your mother sucks cocks in Hell.

              Ha! Shit!

              Suck on this.


              I let you go

              Let you go like a dozen balloons

              Without even thinking

              I didn't know, now I know

              It was much too soon

              It was much too soon

              Why can't you call and say you miss me?

              So you think you made it into the class, Shorty?

              I sure hope so, Cindy.

              You could use the grade, huh?

              Nah. I need a place to stay.

              Mom Dukes kicked me out, but you know something?

              I learned something very important in college--

              the value of books.


              Yeah. Look at this here.

              Free paper. Ha ha! Shit, son.

              Yeah, so how you digging college?

              I don't know.

              It's OK, I guess.

              I feel like such a geek sometimes, though.

              Everyone is so cool, and I'm...not.

              Oh, come on, Cindy.

              You ain't that bad.

              All you need is a little bit of flavor.

              Hmm. Maybe some new gear.


              That's slang for "clothing."

              - Oh. - Here. Come on.

              We gonna cool you up right now.

              Don't sit like this, first of all.

              Don't sit like that, son. Sit cool.

              - OK. - Right up, son.

              Feel yourself, son, like that.

              Yeah. Now go like this.

              Uh. Uh, yeah.

              - That's cool. - Yeah.

              Yeah. Now stand up, let me show you some moves.

              Right, left.

              Right, left.

              Uh, son. Uh!

              Right, left.

              Right, kick.

              Uh, son.

              Uh, psych.

              Throw a little bit of slang in there.

              Say, "Yo, that jacket is tight, son. Ya mean?"

              Yo, that jacket is tight, son.

              - Ya mean? - Ya mean?

              Yeah, something like that.

              Throw it all together.

              OK. Right, left.

              Right, kick, uh!

              Yo, that jacket is tight.

              Now run that shit, bitch. Ya mean?

              That is the shit, dog.

              Oh, man. You boners aren't ready yet?

              Dude, relax, man. I'm telling you,

              We 'll get there on time, all right?

              Yo, dogs, what y'all think?

              Tucked in or out?

              - Out, man. - Out, man. Come on.

              No doubt. No doubt. That's what I thought.

              You fuckheads would be ready if you weren't partying all night.

              Come on, man. It was so awesome.

              We got so wasted, man!

              I had, like, a keg myself.

              I woke up naked in a tub of ice.

              All right!

              Yeah, man.

              Oh, shit, Ray, you got a tattoo.

              Oh, shit. What's it say?

              "Ray!" Oh, man.

              Oh, shit, you got a tattoo, too.

              Oh, really? Dude!

              Dude, what's it say?

              "Fucked me."

              Oh, sweet, man. "Ray..."

              "Fucked me."

              - "Ray..." - "Fucked me."

              "Ray fucked me."

              Yeah! Ha ha! Whoo!

              What, man?


              Wedgie moment! Ha ha!

              Come on. You're gonna give me a yeast infection.

              Hey, girl, that jacket is slamming.


              You better be careful, though.

              Some girl got an ass-whipping...

              over a jacket stolen earlier today.

              Some people is so ghetto.

              What class we got next?


              Oh! Me, too!     ?

              - In room     at    ?  ? - That's it!

              Oh! Uh-uh! No. This is too much.

              I got these psychic powers on line.

              Remind me to get a lotto ticket tomorrow.

              Oh, don't split the pole now.

              That is very, very bad luck. My psychic told me.

              You don't really believe in that stuff, do you?

              Yes, I do. Very much.

              Are these all the subjects?

              Yes, sir. I took the liberty of putting...

              those with near-death experiences on the very top.

              Any of them hot?

              As I'm sure you are aware, Professor...

              subjects who are close to death are statistically more likely...

              to have the suggestibility required...

              for paranormal investigation, which is why, of course...

              I gave them special consideration.

              Oh, good thinking, Dwight.

              Traumatized coeds are a sure thing.

              Ooh, I like her.

              Oh, yes, sir. That is Cindy Campbell--

              classic abandoned personality disorder.

              She seems guarded, but willing.

              And this?

              That is Ray Wilkins, sir.

              I couldn't quite figure him out...

              but he seemed very eager and pleased to meet me.

              What's this?

              It's a picture that he sent after the interview.

              Where did you find these kids?

              Sir, they're all survivors...

              of the Stevenston County Massacre.

              Oh, fantastic!

              These kids are exactly the catalyst we need...

              to awaken the spirits of Hell House.

              Sir, exactly how are we going to get them up there?

              We'll tell them...

              it's part of the class.

              We'll say--excuse me--

              that they're participating in a study...

              of sleep disorders.

              We are going to make history, Dwight--

              the first documented...

              unrefuted evidence of life after death.

              Welcome, everybody.

              I'm Professor Oldman.

              Each of you have been carefully selected...

              to be in this class...

              for which you receive an automatic grade of "A"...

              upon completion.

              Now, this year's study is insomnia.

              We are going to spend the weekend together...

              where we've established a controlled environment...

              in which we'll study your various sleep disorders.

              Now, I'll be passing out directions--

              - I can do it. - No.

              - No, Dwight. - I can do it.

              I it.

              Now, you should all be there...

              by   p.m. tonight and plan to stay through Monday.

              I'll see you all this evening.


              You left your book back there.

              Oh. Thanks.

              I'm Cindy.

              - Buddy. - Hey.

              So, looks like we're gonna spend the weekend together.


              You want to get together and study or something?

              Study? Ha!

              That was kind of bad.

              Ha, ha, ha!

              I'm sorry, Buddy.

              You seem like a really nice guy...

              but I just got out of a really bad relationship...

              so I'm not quite ready to start dating yet.


              But, hey, you know, maybe we could be friends.

              Sure. Yeah. Cool. That--friends.

              OK. See you later, friend.

              All right, pal.


              Wedgie! Smell you later!

              As we go on, we remember

              All the good times

              We had together

              As our lives change

              Come whatever

              We will still be

              Friends forever

              Hey! Will you shut the fuck up...

              and let me sing?

              La, la, la, la, la, la, la

              La, la, la, la, la, la, la

              La, la, la, la, la, la, la...






              Hi, little guy. Look at you.

              Little? I'm not little.

              I'm hung like a bull, lady. Check it out.

              You ever seen a bird dick this big?

              Too much for you, huh, baby?


              All right. Step off then, sweet cheeks.

              Come back when you want some real loving.


              Fucking tease.



              Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, child.

              Did I frighten you, child?

              Oh, I'm sorry. Are you scared?

              All right. I'll sing to you.

              God is in his holy temple


              I'm here with Professor Oldman's group.

              I'm Hanson. I'm the caretaker.

              - Hi. - Hi.

              And what's your name, sweet child?

              I'm Cindy.


              Oh, but the resemblance is striking.

              Look at the thin cheek bones and the same lips.

              Same--same eyes.

              Look at your hair.

              Oh, I'm sorry.

              You've got the same nose.

              Tickle, tickle.

              Be-boop, be-boop on the nose.

              Ha, ha, ha!

              Shall I show you to your room?

              Oh! Oh, that's heavy. Whoo! That's heavy!

              I better use my strong hand.

              - Oh! Clumsy. - Oh! No, that's fine.

              Look, you got the panties--

              I can take care of it.

              Look at-- Oh, what you got here?


              Can't forget your toothbrush.


              Gonna need that for later.

              OK. Here we go. Follow me, child.

              - Oh, God. - Watch my bottom.

              Coming through.

              Come on. Right this way.

              Here we are.

              So, um, do you live here by yourself?

              Well, yes. We've tried to rent it out...

              but people don't seem to want to stay very long.

              Ha ha! Oh, there's old Mother Kane...

              and that's old Master Kane.

              Who's that?

              That's Big Daddy Kane.


              Oh, he's cute.

              Oh, yeah.

              That was the master's favorite toy.

              I don't know what it's doing out here.

              I swear. Sometimes I think...

              these toys have a mind of their own.

              Ow! Ow!

              Right this way.

              Oh, no, no, no. Not that room, sweetheart.

              No. That was the master's mistress's room.

              Yeah, he kind of was a little bit of a hornball.

              No. You go and stay right over here.

              This was the room that belonged to the love of his life...

              his wife, Caroline.

              I'll show it to you.

              Oh! Watch. My fanny's coming through.

              Watch it. Make room for fanny.

              Oh, wow! It's beautiful.

              Well, thank you, child.

              You know, I have been working out.

              I've been doing my bun busters every day.

              I squeeze really tight, and then I let loose.

              I squeeze really tight...

              and then let loose.


              OK. Ooh!

              Oh, yes.

              Look at this.

              Caroline looked beautiful in that dress.

              In fact, she always looked her best.

              Do you know that she used to entertain...

              for royalty and common folk and...

              even the President of the United States.



              Oh, don't be frightened, child.

              This is just Mr. Kittles.

              He was the master's favorite pet.

              He's been in the family for generations.

              Look at him. He hasn't aged a day.

              All right, child, I think I'll take my leave.

              You let me know if there's anything you need.

              Yes, and as you can see, Professor...

              I've taken care of everything...

              including medical supplies and blood storage.

              We want to be safe.

              Are these cameras all throughout the house?

              Yes, sir. I thought that would be best.

              So if one of our little chickadees...

              were to be taking a shower...

              which button would I press to get a closeup?

              That one.

              This one? 


              Excuse me, Professor...

              but your guests have begun to arrive...

              and supper shall be served shortly.

              OK. Thanks, handyman.

              I'm actually the caretaker.

              Oh, aren't those cool new skates?

              Now, you be careful with those.

              Don't want to fall and break something.

              Oh, that's funny. That's real funny.

              Let me give you a hand.

              Well, that--that's awful kind of you.

              How about you give me a standing ovation?

              Why don't you lift me up?

              Oh! OK. I see where you're going with this one.

              You look familiar to me. Were you in "Stomp"?

              Hey, you can kiss my grits.

              I think I'll be the bigger man now and walk away.

              Walk away.

              Um, I'll go and change for dinner.

              - OK. - I'll see you shortly.

              Sounds good.

              I'll just run upstairs and jump into my jogging suit.

              I'll be right down.


              Hey there, little guy. How you doing?

              Fuck off, four eyes.

              I beg your pardon?

              I said, "Fuck off, four eyes."

              Oh, I ought to kick your ass.

              Hey! Hey! Hey!

              Relax, son. It's just a bird.

              Hello, birdie. Polly want a cracker?

              Polly wants your mama's sweet ass.

              What did Polly say to me?

              I said, "Polly wants your mama's sweet ass."

              You don't be talking about my mama, son.

              You don't know my mama, son.

              Yeah, I know your mama. I fucked her last night.

              You want beef? I'll fuck you up!

              Ooh! I'm shaking. I'm shaking.

              Now, fuck this.

              I'm gonna handle this shit like a gentleman.

              Yo, hold my tooth, son.

              Yeah, come on, bitch.

              You and that "Welcome Back, Kotter" haircut.

              Want a piece of me? Come on. Bring it on.

              What, you hard core? Give me some.

              - Bring it on, bitch. - No, no. What?

              You gonna talk, son? Then do it.

              Come on, pussy. Let me out of here.

              I'll fuck you up.

              Hi, guys.

              - Hey. - Hey.

              Hey, Buddy.

              - Hey, Cin. - How you doing?

              Open chest!

              Come on. You got to be quicker than that, "A" cup.

              Oh! Oh!

              Hey, guys.

              - Hey! - How you doing?

              Well, are you boys just gonna sit there...

              with your mouths open...

              or is someone gonna offer me a seat?



              I warmed it up for you.

              It's the best seat in the house.

              Second best.


              Professor, is this the same house...

              that a young girl was possessed by a demon...

              or something?

              Yes, it was reported but never substantiated.

              All right. Well, uh...

              who'd like some appetizers?

              - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

              That's what I like to hear.

              Hey, these buns look good.

              Oh, yeah...

              and they're so soft and warm.

              - Ray! - Oh, I'm sorry. My bad.

              These are delicious.

              Thank you, my child.

              I made them by hand.


              Here we go. I think the taters are just about done.

              I'm just gonna give them one quick whisk here.

              OK, now. Dig in.

              All right.

              Now it's time for the turkey.

              Oh, what a beautiful bird.

              - No! - No, man!

              Hey! Hey! Hey, man.

              Why don't you just relax...

              and just let me do that for you?

              - Yeah. - Rest that little hand.

              It's my pleasure, but what a nice young man to offer.

              Let me give you a little pinch there.

              Come on.

              Fuck it!

              You know, a lot of people...

              are kind of intimidated...

              about making a turkey, but...

              really it's very simple.

              You just have to know the anatomy of a turkey...

              and it's got, over here...

              just the tiniest little stinkhole...

              but it's big enough to get your hand...

              right up inside it.



              Stuff the shit out of it.

              I cook it with all the giblets--

              the penises and the ginies...

              And now, a lot of people like to baste their turkeys...

              but I use this.

              I lick like that...

              and get into the little...

              hiney... hiney ho...

              That's nice and good.

              I don't know what the hell that is...

              but I'll lick it anyway.

              Up and down...

              and then I like to get that right on there...


              And I got one of these.

              I'm gonna pull that off...

              and bam! That just kicks it up a little bit.

              All right. I think that's almost...

              ready now.

              And then we bring it to the table.

              Mmm, good.

              All right.

              Who's ready for a wing?

              Yours or the turkey's?

              Ha, ha, ha!

              I just thought that was funny.

              Well, I know what you'd like.

              How about a leg?


              How about two? Ha ha!

              How about I take these two legs...

              and shove them right up your ass--

              all the way to the knee!

              Dwight. Dwight, relax.


              may I ask you is there something on the menu...

              that you haven't personally prepared?

              Well, I ordered out the dessert.

              All right!

              Make room.

              Here comes the pie.

              All right. OK. Mmm.

              Who wants the first piece of that pie?

              Huh? I see you eyeing the first piece.

              Oh, that's good.

              Mm mmm. Pass that down to her.

              Thank you.

              That's nice.

              My germs.

              Ha, ha, ha!

              My germs.

              Ha, ha, ha! My germs! Ha, ha, ha!


              Come play with me.

              Come play.

              Ha ha!



              Cindy... Cindy.

              Who is it?

              I want to help you, Cindy.

              Who are you?

              You're in danger, Cindy.

              I want to help you.

              Help me how? Who's in danger?

              Check the music room.

              Where are you?

              Check the fucking music room!

              Hey, Cindy, think fast!

              Ohh! Uhh! Aah!

              Dude, you suck!



              about this friendship thing--

              Yeah, I think it is so cool having a girl as a friend.

              That's just it, Buddy.

              I am a girl.

              You can't be so rough with me.

              Well, then what the hell are we supposed to do?

              Gentle stuff.

              You know, like talking and...

              sharing secrets and past experiences.

              You know, stuff like that.

              That sounds kind of gay.

              I guess since you're a girl it's all right.

              - Yeah. It'll be fine. - All right.

              Hey, listen. Will you come check something out with me?

              Sure. We can practice our talking.

              Yeah. Exactly.

              I want to tell you about this thing...

              that happened to me when I was in high school.

              Really? What happened?

              This hot Spanish chick's licking my nuts--


              No, no. This is the best part.

              Oh, my God. Look.

              Oh, dude! Someone's on the rag!


              They lead straight to the bookcase.


              Must be a secret study or something.


              Oh, my God.

              It says Hugh Kane and his mistress...

              were murdered in this house.

              Whoa. Check this out.

              This must be his wife.

              Oh, my God. She looks just like you.

              You think?

              - She's really beautiful. - Yeah.

              Well, actually, her hair doesn't have...

              as many split ends as yours...

              and her skin isn't as oily as yours, either.

              Also, sometimes your eyes get kind of squinty...

              and you look like you might have Down Syndrome.

              Other than that, though, the resemblance is uncanny.


              Also, her tits are perfect.

              They're not pointy or funny-looking like yours...

              or spaced too far apart.

              OK! Enough!


              Oh, my God, look at this.


              Must have been hers.

              Oh, my God.

              All right. Let's get out of here.

              This place gives me the creeps.

              OK. Grab the chest.

              Oh, thanks.

              - Buddy! - What?

              - I meant the chest. - Right.

              MAN: What the--






              Oh! OK!


              If I had known, I would have freshened up!

              I wish you were freshened up, too.

              Get up there! Come on!

              Oh, you want this?

              Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah.

              That's it, daddy.

              Take it like you want it.

              Give it to me! Give it to me!

              Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!


              Come here!

              Bring it on!

              Kinky's my middle name, bitch!

              Ooh, yeah!

              That was the best that I've ever had.

              Oh. Mrs. Huey Kane.


              Doesn't that just have a ring to it?

              Ha ha!

              Where you going?

              Call me!

              Let's do something freaky.

              Hee hee! Like what, Ray?

              I don't know.

              Why don't you talk dirty to me?

              I don't know what to say, Ray.

              Come on. Just make something up.

              Oh, Ray, why do you make me so bad?

              Come on. Because you a bad girl.


              I'm gonna work this.

              Yeah. Work it.

              I'm gonna make this mine.

              Mmm. It's all yours. Oh, yeah.

              I'm gonna piss on your face...

              and then I'm gonna fart in your mouth.

              Yeah! And then I'm gonna shit on these walls, Ray!



              Too dirty?


              Oh, hey, kitty, kitty.

              Hi, little fella.

              Aah! Aah! Aah!

              OK. OK.

              That's OK, cat.

              I think I know why you're mad, Mr. Cat.

              I didn't mean to go poopie in your litter box.

              Help! My pussy's gone crazy!

              Aah! Aah!

              Ha, ha, ha!


              Oh! Aah! Aah!

              OK. You want a piece of me?


              Yeah! How do you like that, little pussy?

              Come on!

              Yeah! Yeah! Come on!

              Aah! Ohh!

              Is that all you got?

              Huh? Come on!

              Give me your best shot!

              I'm telling you, Professor...

              it was possessed.

              Theo, did you see this animal?

              No, I didn't.

              I heard all the commotion...

              but by the time I went in there...

              I guess it was gone.


              What? So you think I did this to myself?.

              No. All I'm saying is that cats are known...

              to be very territorial animals...

              and it's likely that it did attack...

              but that doesn't mean it was possessed.

              Maybe you two should sleep together.

              What are you getting at, Professor?

              I'm just saying that if indeed this cat did attack...

              it's less likely to come back if the two of you were...

              let's say...together.

              Oh, come on, it's college.

              It's time for you two to experiment.

              I don't think we're gonna be getting much help here.

              Oh, on the contrary, actually...

              I'd be more than happy to walk you through it.

              Come on, Cin.

              I'll make sure you get tucked in.

              Good idea.

              Don't forget to kiss each other good night.

              There's something going on in this house, Professor.

              I'm not crazy!




                Brandon,    ...

                  Brandon, come on! Count with me!

              Hey, you. Hee, hee, hee, hee!

              Come here a minute. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

              Come here.

              Ha, ha, ha, ha!

              Peekaboo! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

              Come on, let's play!

              This is a fun game, huh?

              Hey, what are you doing?

              Uncle Ray-Ray's got a game.

              Hey, get your finger out of there.

              Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle...

              Aah! Aah!

              You want to play with Uncle Ray?

              Peekaboo! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

              Aah! Aah! Help!


              Oh, God!

              RAY: Here's a little balloon animal.

              Da, da, da, da, da da, da, da, da!


              "I can't take living with him any longer.

              "He's becoming a monster.

              "I suspect he was having an affair.

              "I believe he's sleeping with our baby-sitter Victoria.

              "It must be why he keeps her around...

              "because we have no children."


              I want you to know what happened, Cindy.

              Hello, Cindy.

              Hello, Professor.

              I take it you're not mad at me anymore.

              I wouldn't go that far, Professor.

              Why don't you just relax?


              Uh, uh...


              Ha ha.


              I think she's starting to suspect something.


              Your wife.


              Oh, my God.

              It happened right here.


              She came home.

              - She saw them! - Saw who?

              I was in my room reading her journal.

              Then I found this dress in the closet.

              That's all I remember.

              What about you, Ray?

              Oh, I bought mine on Friday.

              I just came down to get a banana.

              Shit is hot, right?

              You're a nice little plant.

              You drink all this little water up...

              so you can grow up to be a nice strong charon plant.

              Yes. Yes.

              And then you'll be smoked by all the rappers...

              and make them do a whole lot of dumb shit...

              that fuck up their careers.

              Yes, you will.

              Night-night, baby.

              I'm gonna rob that bitch tonight.

              Lockdown Records presents...

              A Hip-Hop Christmas.

              You'll get such classics...

              As "Santa Claus Is Coming on Moms... "

              That's the shit, son!

              "I'm Dreaming of a White Woman... "

              and who could forget "Frosty the Dopeman"?

              And how about "All I want for Christmas...

              Is the Charges Dropped... "

              "Deez Nuts Roasting On an Open Fire... "

              "A Sleigh Ride In My '  ... "

              "Ante Up, Bitch, It's Christmas... "

              and many more!

              Yo, I'm gonna buy that shit, son!

              Just $  .   ...


              I'm sorry! I didn't mean to smoke your relatives!

              Please! No!

              I didn't do it by myself!

              Whitney and Bobby helped me!

              Please! Help me!

              Aah! Shit, son!

              Wait! No! Please!

              Oh! Oh, shit, son!

              Oh, shit!

              Oh, my God!

              Aah! Oh, shit! I smell something burning!

              Oh, stop! It's me!

              I got an idea!

              Oh, wait a second!

              Hold on, Shorty!

              Don't rescue me yet.

              I'm getting high as a motherfucker!

              Toke, toke, toke, toke!

              Take it to the head! Take it to the head!

              Oh, you take it like a bitch.

              Put the Shorty down...

              and I'll give you Funyons and Cheetos.

              Oh, shit!

              Oh, shit!

              This shit burns more than a perm!


              Ha, ha, ha!

              There's a whole lot of freaky shit...

              going on in this house.

              There's more to this story than the Professor told us.

              Last night, I found a secret room...

              and I found all these newspaper clippings...

              about Hugh Kane.

              He was a really evil man.

              And I found a picture of his wife.

              Oh, my God! She looks just like you.

              You think?

              She doesn't have as many split ends...

              and her skin's not as oily as yours.

              Oh, yeah. Yeah.

              Sometimes you do this little squinty thing with your eyes.

              It looks like you got Down Syndrome or something.

              Oh, yeah, y'all look just alike...

              except she got some perfect boobs...

              and yours look like them old orangutan titties.

              Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Shit, son!

              I'll put you in the full nelson and lick them.

              Ha, ha, ha, ha!

              OK! Enough!

              Anyway, I think she killed him...

              and now he wants me.

              Yeah. Right, bitch.

              Morning, Dwight. Let me help you.

              I don't need your help.

              I can do it myself.


              OK. Professor, uh, we need to talk.

              What is it, Dwight?

              I think you should consider...

              cutting the experiment short.


              This poltergeist is growing increasingly more violent.

              I think we're all in danger here...

              and I've got to put my foot down...

              and stand up for what I believe in...

              and say that we've got to pull the plug.

              Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight.

              I say when we pull the plug.

              We are on the verge of greatness...

              and I am this close to getting laid.

              Now, the bus arrives on Monday.

              No one leaves till then.

              Here are the keys to the gate.

              No one gets access to them.

              Yes, sir.

              Guys, I think the Professor's up to something.

              I heard Dwight tell the Professor...

              there could be a poltergeist in the house...

              and that we could all be in danger!

              Oh, no, son! Not a poltergeist!

              What's a poltergeist?

              I'm getting out of here.

              No. We can't go anywhere. The gates are locked.

              Dwight's the only one who has the keys.

              - Baby, get my Vaseline. - I'll handle--

              Get my Vaseline, a banana, and some duct tape.

              I'm gonna break his legs.

              I'm gonna fuck that little cripple up!

              Guys, just give me five minutes alone with him.

              I'll get the keys.

              Hello, Dwight.


              Hi, Theo.

              What you working on?

              Uh, just a little experiment.

              Oh. Work, work, work.

              Is that all you ever do?

              Well, there's a lot riding on this project.

              You know, the Professor...

              might have everyone else fooled...

              but I know who the real brains...

              behind this operation is.

              Oh, yeah? You do, huh?

              Mm-hmm. That's what turns me on about you.

              You're so smart.


              And those sexy eyes.

              Ha ha. Oh!

              Why don't I put some music on, huh?

              Yeah. Music.


              You know, Dwight...

              I hear you're the only one...

              who has the keys to the gate.


              Ha. That's true. It is. I'm--


              What if...

              I wanted to borrow those keys?

              Oh, dear sweet God in Heaven.

              I...yaaa, I can't.

              Oh, come on. Yes, you can, baby.

              - No. - Please? I mean--

              Look. You help me by giving me the keys...

              and I'll help by giving you... [ Zip ]

              Hey, wait, wait, wait! Whoa!

              Hey, I don't need your help, OK, lady?

              I can do it myself.


              Hey, look!

              I'm tossing my own salad!



              So this is your secret room.


              this just isn't gonna work now, is it?

              Oh, Professor.

              Come over here.


              This way, you big hunk.


              Have we met?

              Follow me.

              Are you playing a little game?

              Where are you?

              Come here, baby.

              Ha, ha, ha, ha!



              - Is everybody here? - Yeah.

              All right. Let's go.

              - Oh! - Oh, shit, son!

              He's not gonna let us out of here!

              He's gonna kill us!

              Oh, look. A rocket scientist.

              All right. Quick. Everybody to the laboratory.

              Move! Come on! Hurry up!

              You all are fucked!

              Lock the door.

              OK. We have to destroy it.

              That's great.

              How are we gonna destroy what we can't see?

              I got it!

              We'll shave off our pubic hairs...

              and wear the shampoo for two weeks!

              No. Listen. Listen.

              We're gonna use these guns.

              They emit a bolt of concentrated energy...

              which can damage the ectoplasmic cells...

              and destroy the ghost.

              Now, there's no more ammunition.

              Conserve it. Use it wisely.

              - Shut up. - Ow!

              Ha, ha, ha, ha!

              Hey! Hey! Hey! Conserve your ammunition.

              My bad.

              All right. Now, the only way...

              we're gonna be able to track these ghosts...

              is if we're all wearing one of these.

              These are thermo goggles.

              They work on the principle of body heat.

              They're so powerful, they can detect...

              where any bodily fluids have been...

              even if they've been wiped clean.



              Are my glasses crooked?

              Now listen, that ghost may be invisible...

              but we have the advantage of being armed...

              with the most sophisticated high-tech equipment...

              known to man.

              How do we stay in touch with each other?

              Do we have some walkie-talkies?

              No. We have these.

              Those is Dixie cups.

              Well, we kind of ran short of funds...

              after the guns and the goggles.

              All right. Now let's split up.

              Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

              Now wait a minute! Hold up!

              How come every time some scary shit happens...

              that we need to stick together...

              you white people always say, "Let's split up"?

              She's right. We should stick together.

              Yes! That's what I'm saying!

              She's right.

              OK. You three, follow me.

              Ain't that a bitch?

              We're gonna die, y'all.

              Ah. Did you hear that?

              Hell, yeah.

              Oh! Where's Shorty?

              I don't know.






              All right. You wait right here.

              I'll be right back.

              - OK. - All right.

              - Wow. - What is this?

              I don't know.

              Looks like the furnace room.

              - Let's go. - No, wait.

              In that newspaper article...

              it said that Hugh Kane was killed in the furnace.

              Oh, wow. Look at this.

              There's so many ashes, Buddy.

              What are you doing?

              Hold it.




              Let's split up. I'll meet you on the other end.

              - OK. - Wait.

              Good luck.

              I love you!


              - Oh, Shorty! - Cindy!

              There's a monster chasing me.

              What are we gonna do?

              - I got it! - Yeah?





              Damn. Why does the little bitch...

              got to bring that shit over here?

              OK. Well, maybe she won't see me.

              Somebody help me! Brenda!

              Shit, she saw me.

              OK. OK.

              Oh! Aah!


              Thank you, Lord!


              OK. Now let that shit just--

              just mutilate her white ass and leave.

              Damn, bitch, please die!

              Oh, my God, Brenda! We're gonna die!

              It would have just been you...

              if you had just shut the fuck up!

              It's coming!

              What is it?

              Is it a monster? Is it a monster?


              This is a skeleton. This is bones.

              Would you run from Calista Flockhart?

              Shut your ass up.

              Ha, ha, ha!

              Look. He crazy now.

              I'm sorry, Mr. Skeleton. Here.

              Ha! Gotcha! Psych!

              Have a nice trip.

              Ha, ha, ha!

              Ha, ha, ha!

              Hey, girl, I got an idea.

              Come on.

              Ha ha. Very funny.



              Ha, ha, ha!

              Now get on out of here!

              Somebody gonna catch an ass-whupping...

              when I come back.

              Oh, Brenda, you are so brave.

              You know, you really are my best friend, Cindy.

              You guys OK?

              - Yeah. - Please.

              It takes more than a little bag of bones to scare me.


              Ha, ha, ha!

              The ghost has Buddy!

              Ah! My ass!

              Brenda, do something!



              I thought I was your best friend.


              I'm gonna miss you, girl!

              Get my gun!


              Are you OK?


              Oh, my God, you're bleeding.

              Come on. I think there's a first-aid kit in the lab.

              Come on.



              where are you?

              My love? Are you there?

              Huey? Baby!

              Baby, I got to talk to you.

              - No. Go away! - Baby? Oh!

              Get away from me!

              Come on, baby. We can work this out.

              I mean, if we just stick together...

              no one can hurt us, my love.

              It was just a booty call!

              Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oh!


              Why won't you talk to me?

              Because you gave me crabs.


              You are the weakest link. Good-bye!


              Ooh. Hey.

              How you doing? Ha, ha, ha!


              No, no. No kissing. No kissing.

              No. Leave this on. Leave this on.

              You look beautiful just like that.

              Yeah. Yeah. Oh! Oh!

              Oh, shit!


              No, no, no.

              Don't fuck it up. Ohh.

              I've been thinking about this whole friendship thing.

              I've never had a friend...

              who cared for me the way you do.

              I mean, there's Ray...

              but he cares for me in a different way...

              you know, like bringing me flowers...

              and running my bath water.

              And there's nights when I wake up screaming...

              and I look over, and Ray's in my bed holding me.


              seeing as how tonight may be our last night together...

              I was thinking--

              That we should take our friendship a little bit further.

              - Yes. - Oh, Buddy!

              I was thinking the exact same thing.

              This might be our last night alive...

              and I want to take full advantage of it.

              I was thinking the same thing!

              I want to be able to act out our innermost fantasies.

              Oh, great.


              I've always wanted to walk on the moon.



              Ha, ha, ha!

              What about you, Buddy? What do you want to do?


              He's in here.


              Aah! Aah! Aah!

              Oh, my God. He locked us in.

              You should call for help.

              Hello! Hello. Can you hear me?

              Come in! Come in!

              Copy! Do you copy me?

              We have a situation here!


              Oh, my God.

              They can't hear me!

              Must be these walls or something.

              OK. All right.

              You stay down here. I'll go check upstairs.




              - Do you need help or-- - No!


              What do I look like to you?

              Just trying to be nice.

              Cover me!

              What do you want me to do?

              Cover me!

              Not literally. I'm serpentining!

              They taught me that--

              Merchant marines. Two years.

              Spent two years on my belly in Danang.

              - Yeah. - Look!

              Look. Look what the cripple's doing.

              Oh, shit.


              Look, I know you're proud. Just let me help you up--

              Step it back, candy pants!


              Oh, what are we gonna do?

              I'm cold.

              I can't feel my body, I'm so cold.

              Buddy, can you feel this?


              Try a little higher.

              What about that?


              Keep rubbing. Ohh.

              Oh, Buddy, I don't think I'm re--

              Cindy, please! It's a matter of life and death.

              I'm asking you...

              in the name of love.

              OK, Buddy.

              In the name of love.


              Mmm. Ohh.

              Oh, Cindy...

              I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

              Don't you say your good-byes.

              You're gonna get out of here...

              and you're gonna go on...

              and you're gonna have lots of little babies.

              And you're gonna die an old man...

              Old man.

              Warm in his bed.

              - Not here! - No.

              - Not like this! - Amen.

              - Do you understand me? - Oh, yeah.

              Coming to this house was the best thing...

              that ever happened to me.

              Oh, me, too.

              And for that... I am so thankful.

              Oh, don't let go.

              Never! I'll never let go!

              - I feel weak. - Buddy!

              - I'm com-- - Come back!


              All right, Dwight Hartman...

              it's your time to shine.

              All right. Come on.

              Come on, Kane.

              Show yourself!

              Look. I don't even need my thermal goggles.


              Ha, ha, ha!



              Ah. Ah.


              That's right, mother--

              Ha, ha, ha!



              Ha, ha, ha!


              Hey, Kane, you hungry?

              How about a little snack of this?

              Ha ha!


              Ow. Ow. No. Ow.




              I know what you're thinking.

              Did I fire   shots or      ?

              Well, do you feel lucky...


              Do you...feel lucky?

              Do you feel lucky, punk?

              Shoot me, motherfucker!

              OK. Fine.

              Make your best move, ass bite.

              - Raaa! - Aaah!

              Oh. Whayaaa!







              Here. Take my hand.


              Come on.

              You're gonna fall unless you take my hand...

              No. Give me your other hand.

              No. My other hand isn't strong enough.

              You take my little hand.

              No! Get it away from me!

              Take it! Take my hand!




              No. Why me?

              No. Come on. No.

              I've served you well. Don't you do this to me.

              No, please. Please, no.


              OK, Buddy.

              It's time for us to get out of here.

              Roger. Roger. Come in, Roger.

              Ray, this is Cindy.

              I don't want to talk to Cindy.

              I want to talk to Roger.

              Roger, where you at, man? Quit fucking around.

              Ray, listen. The ghost is close.

              He almost got us. Buddy's hurt.

              - What's your location? - I'm right behind you.

              Ray, thank God. OK. Where's Shorty?

              I don't--I don't know.

              He was here just a minute ago.

              Listen, you go help Buddy in the lab.

              - I'll go check upstairs. - All right.

              Mmm. That smells good.

              Hello, Cindy.

              Say heloo to Cindy, Shorty.


              Shorty, are you OK?

              Talk to me!

              Morphine? Chloroform?

              Horse tranquilizers? You drugged him!

              I did not. That's all his stuff.


              All right, Shorty.

              Who's ready for the main course?

              Me! Me.

              Oh, Hanson, please.

              No. Oh.

              What the fuck?

              Beetlejuice in the house.

              This is your brains on drugs. Hee!


              Oh, shit, son.





              Got me.

              Cindy, what's going on?

              It's Hanson. He's possessed.

              Let's get him.



              Angel style!



              Smack my bitch up



              Whoo! OK.


              Come on.


              - Oh! - Aah!

              Smack my bitch up




              Oh, nooo!



              Hee, hee, hee! Ooh!






              Whoo! Oh! Ooh!





              You OK, Dwight?

              I--I can't feel my legs.

              Aah! I can't feel my legs!

              You never could.

              You stay out of this, all right?

              Now listen.

               You get the others and meet us upstairs.

                - All right? - OK.

                You stay here.

                Ray-Ray, I need your help. Give me your belt.

                - Hi-yah! - Hah!


                Hmmm. The crane.


                The crouching tiger.

                The drunken monkey.

                Ooh, ooh, ooh ah, ah, ah!

                The mad cow.

                Motherfucker! Moo!


                The camel toe.


                Get the hell out of there, guys!

                Come on!

                Ray, give me a     .

                OK. Listen. Someone has to go...

                and lure him onto that platform.

                All right. I'll go.

                Cindy, let me--

                No, Buddy!

                I'm the one he wants.

                Actually, I was saying...

                let me have your computer if you die.


                OK. But as soon as he gets there...

                you have to get off.


                All right.      me.

                Hugh Kane, it's me you want!

                Come get me!

                I'm not afraid anymore!

                Show yourself!

                Aah! Oh!



                Dwight, he's here. Do something.

                I can't. She's still on the platform.

                If I throw the switch, she'll die.

                Cindy, get out of there! You'll get killed!


                Ha, ha, ha!

                Move out of the way!

                I'll get her!

                Why is he running so slow?

                Ray! Run faster!


                Throw the switch!

                Now you will be mine... forever!

                Ray, you saved me.

                Are you OK?

                I'm fine.

                I broke my fall.

                Ohh. Ah.


                - Yes! - Yes!

                Hey, y'all. What's going on?

                Shorty, you made it. You're alive!

                Yeah. It was traumatic.

                It really was...

                and it's taking me a while to get over it,

                but, you know...

                now that we're out of the house and back in school...

                I just know that everything's gonna be OK.

                Oh, God, will you shut the fuck up?

                Why couldn't you have just left me there to die?

                Give me a fucking rope. I'll hang myself.

                Here I go. I'm hanging myself.


                Oh, hi, Dad.

                Are you having fun on your vacation?

                Oh, no. Birds are very clean animals.

                He's no trouble at all.

                Goddamn it!

                What the fuck did you put in this birdseed?

                Oh, Dad, Buddy's here. I got to go.

                OK. I love you. Bye.

                God, that was a big one.

                - Hey, Buddy! - Surprise.

                Open chest!

                Oh! You got to be quicker than that, pencil dick.

                Come on.

                Hey, look out. A bee.

                Buddy, I've never had anyone...

                be so protective of me before.

                That's what your man's supposed to do.

                Two hot dogs.

                Buddy, get him!

                Buddy? Buddy?

                I've come back for you.

                No! This can't be happening!

                Mm-hmm. It is happening.

                Now we're gonna be together forever.



                Did you hear something?

                No. I didn't hear nothing.



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