Voila! Finally, the Secondhand Lions
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Haley Joel Osment,
Michael Caine, Robert Duvall, Kyra Sedgwick, yadda yadda.. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Secondhand Lions. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Let's roll!
Hey!
I'm coming!
Huh?!
Yes!
- Are you and I going fast?
- Hey!
- Hello?
- Walter?
- Yes?
- I have some bad news.
It's about your
two uncles, son.
Walter?
Walter? Walter!
Good news...
you're spending the summer
with your two uncles.
It's just going to be for a few weeks.
A month or two, tops.
Scout's honour, okay?
Cross my heart
and hope to die, okay?
Where are you going
this time?
The Fort Worth College
of Court Reporting.
I met a guy last night.
He's going to pull
some strings.
Walter, you're going to have
to learn to trust people,
or you're going to grow up
bitter and disappointed.
You're going to have fun
with your two uncles. You'll see.
Mum, you're
an only child.
I know
what uncles are.
Well, Mr Smarty Pants,
It just so happens,
they really are your uncles.
Your great-uncles.
My mother's brothers.
They disappeared years ago and just
now showed up back here in Texas.
- Can't I come with you?
- No!
Honey, I'm going to be working my tail
off learning court reporting.
I'm doing everything
I can to keep this family together.
How about a little
help here, okay?
Now, look...
they say these two old men
got millions
stashed away in cash.
Nobody knows
where they got it.
Got no kids, no one to leave
all that money to.
You and me, we're as close
as any family they got.
You want them
to like me
so they'll die
and leave us their money?
We could buy a house,
maybe settle down.
Oh, wouldn't that
be nice?
Oh, look! Here it is.
Here it is, honey.
Here it is.
By the way,
I hear these two were
in some state nuthouse for years.
Got all their money
from a big lawsuit or something.
But then there's
lots of stories about them.
Who knows what
to believe?
Just find out where they stashed
all that money, okay?
Maybe we should've
called first.
No. Older people
just love surprises!
Here we are.
Okay.
Go away, go away!
Hey, go away! Shoo!
Show 'em you're friendly, honey.
Let them smell your hand.
They must be down there
by that lake.
Let's go!
Come on!
There he is!
- Winged him.
- He's running for it.
- Damn! Empty.
- Get ammo. I'll keep him covered.
Yoo-hoo!
Huh?
Yoo-hoo!
You send for a hooker?
Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth,
it's me, Mae!
Mae!
Pearl's daughter.
And I brought Walter,
your nephew.
- Relatives.
- Damn! God.
We're old, damn it.
Leave us alone!
The last thing we need is some little
sissy boy hanging around all summer.
Walter, honey,
why don't you wait out here
and play, okay? I'll be a minute.
He could help out
around here, do chores.
Help out?
Your kid's a damn wienie.
I know. That's why he needs
to be around real men,
like you two.
It won't be for long.
He's got to cook for his
damn self. I'm not cooking.
Nice doggie.
Come play.
This is for your own good, Walter.
You know...
I bet all that money
is hidden real close by.
Imagine,
a real buried treasure
just like in those books
you're always reading.
Walter, maybe if you'd learn
to smile once in a while,
then people
might like you.
Now, come on, how about
a big smile to remember you by?
Okay?
Come on!
You're going to have to work
on that smile while I'm gone, okay?
Bye, honey! Bye!
Well?
If my mum calls, can we hear
the telephone out here?
Don't have one.
No telephone?!
Is it okay if I go inside
and watch television?
Ain't got one.
No television?!
What do you do?
Hey!
Rumour has is you two have
millions stashed away.
Why not put some of that money
to work for you
with the high yield only investing
in gold and silver can bring?
Wee-ooh!
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh!
Can I leave you
some pamphlets?
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh
Ooh, ooh, wee-ooh,
wee-ooh
I can see them dancing,
the silhouettes on the shade
I hear the music
All the lovers on parade,
open up
I want to come in again
I thought
you were my friend...
Gentlemen, word is out...
you are two sophisticated
men of means...
Hey!
Movin' and a-groovin'
with that beat
Jumpin' and stompin'
on the floor
- Let me in, open up
- Let me in, open up
I'll open up
that door
I hear the music,
let me in
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
Nice evening. Peaceful.
Hey, kid.
You sleep up there.
In the tower.
Hey... we don't know
nothing about kids.
- So if you need something...
- Find it yourself.
Or better yet,
learn to do without.
- We're both getting old.
- Fixing to die any time.
So if we kick off
in the middle of the night,
you're on your own.
- Jumpy little fella.
- Mmm.
Quiet though.
Uncle Hub?
Uncle Hub?
He's sleepwalking.
Brand-new mattress
and I'm still waking up tired and sore.
So...
you two
disappeared for...
whole years.
Where were you?
Africa mostly...
Morocco,
Algeria, Kenya...
Not much sadder than
a couple of has-beens
jabbering about
the good old days.
Those days are through.
So are we.
I hate this!
- I hate it!
- We're retired.
Gardening is what
retired people do.
What do we want any
damn vegetables for anyway?
They're good for you.
Make you live to be .
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
To hell with that.
You live to be .
- Hey, Uncle Hub!
- Hub, how are you doing?
Kids, say hi to Uncle Hub. Hub, come
back here and see who we brought.
Uncle Garth!
Kids, say hi to Uncle Garth!
We're here
for a nice long visit.
The whole weekend. We know
how lonely our favourite uncles get.
Who the hell are you?
- Walter.
- Walter?!
Mae's boy?
Pearl's daughter... that loose
widow woman always running around.
- It figures she'd muscle in.
- Is Mae here?
How long
are you here for?
Well, we'll just see
about that.
We know
what you're up to.
Don't think you're going to
get away with it.
Come on, boys.
Come on.
His momma's going to be back
before long.
Oh, that woman? Huh!
From what I hear, she may never
come back. What then?
Then you'd be stuck
with him.
I'm telling you, take him
to the orphanage right this minute.
Whether we take him to the orphanage
or tie him up and throw him in the lake,
it's our business,
not yours.
Here he is now, spying!
Ow! Ow, ow!
See what I'm saying?
Did you see what he just did?
Mm-hmm.
Fort Worth College
of Court Reporting.
I need to find my mum.
She's a student there.
I'm sorry, we're closed.
It's an emergency.
Please?
Her name's Mae...
Mae Coleman.
Um...
No, I'm sorry, there's no
Mae Coleman registered here.
Oh! Try Mae Carter.
No, I'm sorry.
Mabel Cartwright?
Mabe Calloway?
Donna Tompko?
Young man, are you
in some sort of trouble?
She's got to be there!
She just started.
Listen, our classes
started back in January.
No one could have possibly
just started.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Hub, I don't know why
you have to drive. It's my car.
Stop whining.
If we find the kid, he's going to
get a piece of my mind.
There he is.
Lawyer...
stay in the car!
Hub, come on!
- No, no. You, not me, no!
- Hub!
Get out of the car.
Planning
your next move?
Where you figure
on going?
Here.
Area code ...
Montana.
How come you're not heading
to Fort Worth where your momma is?
She's not there.
She lied...
again.
Listen, kid,
we know you got your heart
set on going to Montana,
but it's late.
Hub, help me out here.
Why? It sounds like
his mind's made up.
Good luck
in Montana, kid.
We've got better maps than
that one at the house, right, Hub?
Yeah, a man needs
a good map, that's for sure.
Sure.
I've been
to the orphan home before.
I don't want to go back.
Damn it, kid,
it ain't our fault you got
a lousy damn mother.
Guess I should get going.
Which way is north?
I'll say one thing
for this kid...
he sure pisses off
the relatives.
Listen, kid,
do us a favour.
If you come back
to the house
and stay awhile,
why, our relatives
are going to hate it.
I bet they hate it
so much,
they go away and leave us all
the hell alone.
- It's crazy enough it just might work.
- Sure.
Come on, kid,
help us out here.
I guess I could
come back...
for a while,
seeing it's
so important.
So kid,
how's that root beer?
Uncle Hub,
Uncle Garth,
this has been such...
a wonderful weekend.
I hate
to bring this up,
but have you two looked
at that will I left for you?
You both need
to be thinking about these things
at your age.
Don't shoot!
Don't shoot.
He's been
here before.
Brothers McCann?
This is
no ordinary salesman.
Hell, I like me a challenge.
Can we talk?
Come out where
we can see you.
Put down your guns
and I'll come out.
This guy is good.
I'll cover,
you sneak around.
...that's not complete.
What? What do you?
What? What?
- Why not see what he's selling?
- Let me just show it to you.
- What the hell for?
- It's right behind my car.
What's the good having money
if you never spend it?
- Trust me.
- It could be the kid has a point.
Yeah, well...
we'll see
what the man's selling.
- Then we shoot him.
- Good plan.
Whew!
Due to the...
unsettling nature
of our previous encounters...
I took it upon myself to search
the world over for that...
that perfect item
that'd be just right
for two exuberant sportsmen
such as yourselves.
And boys,
well, I do believe
I found it.
Voilą!
What is it?
Well, that right there
is the sport of kings.
Up till now, only heads of state
have been able to afford
a fine piece
of equipment like that,
and it is so simple to operate
even this child could do it.
Really?
Here.
I'll tell you what...
you step right up here and chunk
that lever back on my signal, okay?
Go ahead.
Wow!
The most powerful one
on the market,
and very reasonably priced,
I might add.
Well, that is the biggest waste of money
I have ever seen in my entire life.
Mister, you load up that contraption
and get the hell off this land.
We'll take it.
Oh no, you don't!
I won't have my children
around this gun foolishness.
Then leave!
- Come on, Daddy, let's go.
- Come on. Come on.
You know what happens
when my feelings get hurt.
Get in the car.
Get in the car.
Ah, ha
Oh, suey!
Pull!
Pull!
Pull!
- Uncle Hub?
- Don't. I tried to wake him once.
He nearly tore
my head off.
Leave him
for a few minutes.
What are you doing
out here so late?
What's wrong with him?
Well, a man's body
may grow old,
but inside his spirit can still be
as young and restless as ever.
And him...
in his day,
he had more spirit
than men.
It looks like...
he's looking for something.
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
He's looking for her.
Who?
What was her name?
Jasmine.
Okay, tell me.
You want me
to tell you the story?
Now?
That would take days.
Well, uh...
Hub was always
too restless for Texas.
He convinced our folks
that he needed to go
to Europe,
and I needed
to come along.
That was
the summer of .
I la-like you.
Extra, extra! Germany invades!
Unfortunately,
just as we arrived in France,
so did the Kaiser
and the entire German Army.
I wanted to go home,
but Hub said we should tour Europe
one step ahead of the Germans.
And we did.
What a time that was.
There were these girls
in Toulon... twins. And they...
...anyway,
we eventually wound up
in Marseilles
with passages booked
on the last ship out of Europe.
And Hub, he decided
that we should spend our last night
enjoying
the local nightlife.
Three, three!
He made friends
with these soldiers,
and they bought us
some drinks... strong, strange drinks.
We woke up on a ship
bound for North Africa...
shanghaied.
- Shanghaied?
- Yeah.
We found ourselves
in the French Foreign Legion.
'lt's all my fault, ' Hub said,
but he told me not to worry.
He'd make sure
nothing happened to me.
We fought many battles
against overwhelming odds.
He saved my life
countless times.
When the war was over,
we both went our separate ways.
I ended up
leading safaris
mostly for writers
and Hollywood folk.
But that was
too tame for Hub.
He got commissions from
the new North African governments,
to put an end
to the slave trade.
No one,
slave trader or Bedouin,
had ever seen anything
like this mad American
who fought like men.
Hey!
What the hell are you two doing
out here in the middle of the night?
Just enjoying
the cool night air.
Either one of you
got a lick of sense,
go to bed.
I'm a rolling stone
from Texas
Rolling stones
from the plains
I am a rolling stone
from Texas, boys
I long to be
back there again
Well, say,
are you from Texas?
That's what
I'm wanting to know
'Cos if we're both
from Texas, boys
Let's bundle up
our clothes and go...
Dear Walter,
how are you?
Found your uncles' money yet?
Here I am at school
in Fort Worth,
my nose to the court
reporting grind... '
Damn it, brother, I'm not going
anywhere looking like this.
Look like a damn
sharecropper.
We're gardeners.
This is what gardeners wear.
I bought you some clothes too.
They're in your room.
Think how good
all these vegetables are going to taste.
Peas, beans,
squash, tomatoes.
- Yeah.
- What's this row?
- Beets.
- Beets?
And what about
this row?
- Potatoes.
- Potatoes?
Yeah.
Wait one damn
minute here.
- What's this row here?
- Tomatoes.
- Tomatoes?
- Yeah.
That's lettuce, squash,
sweet potatoes, carrots, bok choy.
- Bok Choy? What is that?
- Chinese cabbage.
Hey, that row
looks right.
Yeah, well,
this is corn!
All those seeds did
look alike, come to think of it.
- Yeah, like corn.
- Boy...
- that seed salesman sure saw us coming.
- No, saw you coming.
Corn, corn, corn!
Nothing but corn.
Corn. Corn.
By God, it's here!
Kid, help him unload.
We'll be right back.
Careful, kid.
He's a man-eater.
Is this the McCann place?
We brought your lion.
King of the beasts.
Terror of the jungle.
You bought a lion?
A used lion?
Stand back, kid, you don't want
to get mauled and eaten.
- What are you doing?
- Brother,
this is the best idea
you ever had.
This lion head will sure look good
hanging over our fireplace.
What fireplace?
You don't have a fireplace.
We'll buy one.
You're going to shoot it?
Well, be seeing you.
- He's in there, alright.
- I don't think this is very sporting.
Kid, at our age,
this is as sporting as we get.
Walter, come here.
When I give
the word, pull this.
Pull!
Hey.
Come on out
of there.
Hey, you
in the crate!
Get your lion butt
out of there.
Looks awful tame.
This lion's no good.
It's...
it's defective.
- It's alive, that's the main thing.
- Go ahead and shoot it then.
No, it wouldn't be sporting,
shooting it inside a crate.
Looks kind of old...
worn-out looking.
Some kind
of lion hunt this is.
Perfect. A reject.
Some sick zoo cast-off.
So can I keep him?
I'll look after him and take care of him
and feed him and everything!
I never had a pet
of my very own before.
So kid, you want to take care of it,
nurse it back to health?
Good.
Then we shoot it.
That's some lion
you bought.
That's some
garden seeds you bought.
Don't worry, they're not as bad
as they seem right at first.
I'll be right back
with supper.
There.
Now you can see out.
You sure
he can't get out?
She.
It's a girl lion.
I named her Jasmine.
What did you just say?
It seemed like a good name...
for a lion.
I'm sorry it took
awhile to come in.
In years, I never had
a call for it.
'Purina Lion Chow.'
I'll be!
If you wait a few minutes,
my boys will load you up.
I got it.
Garth, pay the man.
Be careful.
Mr McCann, those are bags
that weigh pounds a piece.
Take the other end.
Here we go.
If you two old ladies want to get in,
I'll take you home now.
Hub!
Psst!
Psst!
Little boy!
You're with those
McCann brothers?
I know that they're
ex-mafia hit men.
They're on the run with millions
that they stole from Al Capone.
Tell me more
about Africa...
about you and Uncle Hub
and Jasmine.
Why would a smart kid like you
want to hear hokey old stories?
What else
do we have to do?
Where was I?
'No one,
slave trader or Bedouin,
had ever seen anything
like this mad American
who fought like men. '
Yeah right, right, right.
Well, it so happened...
one of the women
that Hub freed
was handmaiden
to a princess.
When she told her mistress
the story of her rescue,
most of all, she told her about
the handsome, heroic American.
'I must meet this man! '
The princess said.
One day, Hub was riding his horse
along the Mediterranean,
when out of nowhere,
another rider came up alongside.
But you know Hub...
he wasn't about to let a chance pass.
It became a race.
Most people say that Hub was
the best rider in North Africa.
But this other rider
kept neck and neck
as the race went
on and on.
Then the two horses
collided.
The riders went flying
into the sea.
Hub leaped to his feet
ready for anything...
or so he thought.
This was the princess,
the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen.
- Jasmine!
- Jasmine.
Many people say there's
no such thing nowadays,
it's something
you only find in stories,
but when these two set eyes
on each other for the first time,
this was honest to god,
no kidding, sure enough,
once in a lifetime,
love at first sight.
Wait a minute.
If it was true love
they would've been married
and lived happily ever after, right?
Aren't you
getting ahead of the story?
- Okay, keep going.
- Well...
things weren't easy
for them back then.
She was promised
to another man,
a powerful sheik
in a neighbouring kingdom.
He heard that Jasmine
was in love with another,
so he threatened
her father,
and took Jasmine off
to his kingdom
and locked her up
in his harem.
She told the other wives
that she would rather die
than marry
this heartless sheik.
She had a knife on her.
And when he came for her
that night,
she was going
to slit her own throat.
What did
Uncle Hub do?
They got married,
and lived happily ever after.
The end.
But wait,
if they lived
happily ever after,
then they got married, and she'd
be here right now with us, right?
Didn't they have kids?
Where are they?
Nurse?
What's going on?
I wish they'd tell us
something.
Get out of my face!
Where'd you put my damn pants?
Where's my pants?
- You can't do that!
- Gimme my pants!
Who put me in here?
Who put me in here? You two!
Hospitals...
lot of good they are.
How would you know? You're never
in one long enough to find out.
Hey, you missed
the turn.
- I did not.
- Home is that way.
I want to go this way.
Doctor,
where is Mr McCann?
Oh, I'm afraid he's gone.
Well, he led
a long full life.
Where is the body?
No, he's gone... left.
Mr McCann checked
himself out.
Left?!
Brother,
someday you're going to have
to start acting your age.
What the hell
does that mean?
All your life, you've never been
frightened of anything.
So what's eating
at you now?
Getting old?
- Dying?
- Hell no.
- What then?
- Being useless.
When we were young
there was always a reason,
there was a point.
Things made sense.
Now there's
no point to anything.
So what do we do?
We garden.
We outlived our time,
brother.
- Go get some beers.
- Alright.
Hey, old man,
how's that barbeque?
Give me some.
We're busy, boy.
Get lost, alright?
What did you say?
Here's a perfect example
of what I've been talking about.
Since this boy was suckling
on his momma's tit,
he's been given
everything but discipline.
And now his idea
of courage and manhood
is to get together with
a bunch of punk friends
and ride around
irritating folks...
too good natured
to put a stop to it.
Hey, who do you
think you are, huh?
- Just a dumb kid, Hub, don't kill him.
- Right.
I'm Hub McCann.
I fought in two World Wars and countless
smaller ones on three continents.
I led thousands of men
into battle with everything
from horses and swords
to artillery and tanks.
I've seen the headwaters
of the Nile,
and tribes of natives that no white man
had ever seen before.
I've won and lost
a dozen fortunes,
killed many men
and loved
only one woman
with a passion
a flea like you
could never begin
to understand.
That's who I am.
Now, go home, boy!
We'll show these
old bastards whose tough!
- Get out your knife.
- Yeah.
Now, boys,
you're fixing to let
those teenage hormones
get you into a world
of trouble.
Damn it, Garth.
Did I ask you to butt in?
Hub, you just
come out of the hospital.
Well, there's...
there's only four of 'em.
Yeah, but...
look, you fight this one first.
And then I'll let you fight
the other three after, okay?
Yeah.
Watch this, kid!
Now you!
You better pick that knife up,
'cos, son, you're going to need
all the help you can get.
- Come on, Frankie!
- Get him.
Get him, Frankie, cut him!
Ahh!
Shoot, oldest trick
in the book.
Okay, okay.
You hold it wrong, son. Not like this.
You always do it like this... smooth.
- Try it again.
- Come on, Frankie.
Come on, Frankie, get him!
- Cut him
- Come on. Okay.
- Get him, Frankie, cut him.
- Yeah, you got him! Frankie, come on!
- Stop, stop, ahh!
- You're breaking his arm!
You three had better
get in there and help him.
Why aren't you
helping him?
Hub always hogs the bad guys.
He's selfish that way.
But there's
four of them!
Three of them.
Go on, Hub!
Hey, there's my boy!
Like this, kid?
Pretty good, huh?
- Couldn't you share?
- Nah.
After years,
I'm used to it.
Ahhh!
Besides, right now, I figure
he needs them worse than I do.
Go on, Hub!
This'll hold him though.
- This'll hold him.
- Please! Please!
They're not
back yet, Daddy.
I'm sure with Hub
just out of the hospital,
they're taking it slow
and easy on the way home.
Yeah.
Oh, I hate this house.
I hate it.
When those two finally
drop dead,
I want you to burn this place
to the ground, Daddy.
Hey, what's that?
Beats me.
- Let's tear it up!
- Yeah.
What is it?
It's stuffed!
- Mum!
- Mum!
- He's alive!
- What? What happened?
I told you about
those lies of yours.
No!
What have you done
with Uncle Hub?
Kid, get some meat.
Where's Uncle Hub?
Oh, Lord, there's
been an accident.
I want to go home now.
You're in no shape
to go home now.
It was a fight.
Uncle Hub won. It was great.
- Ahh!
- The lion really did try to eat us.
- Shush.
- Jasmine?
Oh Jasmine!
I haven't fed her all day.
I bet she's really hungry.
I got to go feed her.
Here, here!
Here you go,
Jasmine.
Jasmine?
- There really is a lion.
- Lion?! You got a lion?
- It's locked up.
- No, it isn't. It tried to eat us.
- It really tried to eat us.
- Get the guns!
- Get out of the way.
- Get the guns.
Come here,
come here.
Jasmine?
Jasmine? Jasmine?
Jasmine?
Come on. Oh!
Eew, lion spit. No, stop.
Don't shoot,
you'll hit him.
Come on. Whoa!
They're gone.
- We might be too late.
- Move in.
You stay. Stay.
Jasmine!
Stop, stop.
Attack him!
She's feeling a lot better.
Get off of me!
We're leaving.
We are not coming back
until you get rid of that monster.
Well, the lion stays.
Alright, that's it.
Come on, Daddy.
Daddy! Come on!
Bye, Uncle Hub.
Bye, Uncle Garth!
Shut up.
Get in the car.
I need a drink bad.
I'm having a bad day.
You boys hungry?
- Want to stay for supper?
- What are we going to eat?
Meat.
A lotta meat.
She won't come outta
the cornfield.
This cornfield's the closest thing
to a jungle she's ever seen.
She knows this is where
she belongs.
- I think she's happy.
- I think she is.
What about you?
You happy?
What's he saying to them?
He's giving them his 'What every boy
needs to know about being a man' speech.
A lot of men have heard
that speech over the years.
A lot of men.
- Will he give that speech to me?
- Oh, I guarantee it.
Assuming
he's still around, of course.
Hey, you didn't finish that story
about Uncle Hub and Jasmine.
- You don't believe this Africa stuff?
- It's a good story.
Well, after he
rescued Jasmine,
several years passed,
wonderful years.
Never were two people
so happy,
so in love.
It was perfect.
Except for one thing.
- The sheik.
- The sheik.
He hated Hub
for stealing Jasmine,
so he put a price
on Hub's head.
pieces of gold...
a fortune.
Assassins came
from miles around.
Come on!
He and Jasmine had
to be on guard
every minute
of every day.
Hub knew he and Jasmine
couldn't run forever,
that sooner or later
their luck would run out.
There was only
one thing to do.
So one day an assassin led Hub,
bound in chains,
into the sheik's fortress
to claim his
pieces of gold.
What?!
They gave the assassin
bags and bags of gold
as the sheik ordered Hub
down to the notorious
Dungeon of Tortures.
What kind of greedy, no-good scum
would turn in Uncle Hub for money?
Well, I would.
Ah, it was a trick.
Yeah, it was a trick.
In the dungeon,
I drew my sword...
and single-handedly
slaughtered everyone in there
and freed Hub
without dropping
a single gold coin.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
You saved Uncle Hub,
all this time carrying
hundreds of pounds of gold?
You don't believe
I killed all those men and saved Hub?
Well, Hub might've helped
just a little.
We were greatly
outnumbered.
We fought against
incredible odds.
And when it was over,
we split up.
Each one knew what the other
had to do.
High in his opulent
bedchamber,
the sheik slept.
He awoke with Hub's sword
across his throat.
The sheik was terrified,
but Hub
just lowered his blade.
'Defend yourself! '
Hub cried.
And he threw
the sheik a sword.
The sheik knew that he would
surely die now,
without even the right
to beg for mercy.
But Hub just said,
'Twice I have held
your life in my hands,
and twice I have
given it back to you.
The next time... '
...your life is mine.
And from that moment on,
the assassination attempts
stopped.
Some say it was
because the sheik
was afraid that Hub
would return and kill him.
Others said because Hub
had spared his life,
the sheik did the honourable thing
and let his enemy live.
Personally,
I think it's because
the sheik was so damn busy
once they discovered oil in his kingdom.
He became one of
the five richest men in the world.
What?! The bad guy
gets filthy rich?
What the heck kind
of story ends that way?
I just told it
the way it happened.
- Bye.
- So long.
So that's how you got
all your money?
- The gold from the sheik?
- Well...
Yeah.
Those young men'll
be okay now.
- Will you?
- Yeah.
I feel old
and worn out.
- You've been busy.
- Yeah.
Terrorizing doctors
and nurses,
beating up teenagers,
chasing after lions...
you've had a full day.
Lucky those boys don't know
diddly-squat about fighting.
Won't be long till the kid here
can whup my ass.
Won't be long till I'll be
helpless in a fight.
- Useless!
- You'll feel better in a day or two.
Yeah, well...
I'm going to bed.
Good night, kid.
So...
you finally going to tell me
what happened to Jasmine?
- Nope.
- What?!
You want to know
what happened to Jasmine
you're going to have
to ask him.
Ask Uncle Hub?
Are you crazy?
Look what happened last time.
I'm tired of doing
all the dirty work around here.
If you want to hear
the end of this story,
you're going to
have to ask him.
- Hub?
- Yeah?
- An airplane?
- Yep, always wanted one.
You always said you'd
never set foot in an airplane.
You don't trust them
to fall right out of the sky.
They're dangerous, alright,
plenty dangerous.
You got a book of instructions
or something?
Yeah, right here.
You don't know
a damn thing about airplanes.
Well, I'm going to learn,
I tell you.
A-ha!
It says right here,
'To climb,
pull back on the stick;
to descend, push forward
on the stick.'
I'll have this thing up
in the air in no time.
Whoo! Damn.
Maybe it's just a new hobby.
Maybe he doesn't really
mean to...
you know,
do something crazy.
You think so?
You ask him yet?
About Jasmine?
You'd better
make it quick.
What the hell?
It's the middle
of the night.
What's the matter?
What are you doing here?
You got something
to say to me?
Spit it out.
What happened to her,
Uncle Hub?
What happened
to Jasmine?
I have to know.
I have to.
She died.
Died in childbirth.
Her and the baby.
What did you do?
Went back to the only life
I knew... back to the Legion.
For the next years, there was
always one more war to fight.
Then I got old
and came here.
Here I am.
Here I am.
You cold, son?
You'd better... here.
You'd better...
you'd better go inside.
Good boy, thank you.
Good boy.
Those stories about Africa...
about you...
they're true, aren't they?
- Doesn't matter.
- It does too.
Around my mum all I hear is lies.
I don't know what to believe in.
If you want to believe in something,
then believe in it.
Just because something isn't true,
that's no reason you can't believe it.
Alright.
There's a long speech
I give to young men,
sounds like you need
to hear a piece of it.
Just a piece.
Sometimes the things that may
or may not be true
are the things that a man needs
to believe in the most.
That people are
basically good;
that honour...
courage and virtue
mean everything;
that power and money,
money and power mean nothing;
that good always triumphs
over evil;
and I want you
to remember this, that love...
true love never dies.
You remember that, boy.
You remember that.
Doesn't matter if it's
true or not. You see,
a man should believe
in those things, because...
those are the things
worth believing in.
Got that?
That was a good speech.
Think so? Thanks.
Yeah...
When are you going to give me
the rest of the speech?
When you're almost a man.
- You promise?
- Wait one minute here. Wait...
I can't be a good man until you give me
the rest of the speech, right?
You need to stick around until I'm
old enough to hear the whole thing.
- I see what you're trying to pull.
- You have to stick around
- until I'm old enough...
- I'll write it down.
No! I want you
to give me the speech!
You won't be
living here then.
You're my uncle. I need you
to stick around and be my uncle.
What about Uncle Garth?
He needs you.
W-what about the dogs
and the pig,
and the lion?
We all need you. I need you.
- No, you're just being silly.
- No, it's true!
- You're being silly.
- It's true!
I know you miss Jasmine
an awful, awful lot.
But if you go,
we'll miss you
just as much.
It's true.
Alright, damn it,
you win.
I'll stick around
and be your damn uncle.
Don't expect me
to be happy about it.
Alright? Deal?
Oh-hh!
Ohh, ohh.
You're a good boy.
You're a good boy.
You're a good boy.
Walter, Walter!
Get ready. Walter!
This money
look stolen to you?
Try to help you
I can't do it
all by myself...
I can't do it
all by myself.
Oh, honey,
you're so funny.
No!
- Whoop!
- Oh!
Shh, quiet!
- Mum!
- Hi, honey.
Walter, Walter,
this is Stan.
I've heard a lot
about you, Walter.
Your uncles
still sleeping?
Best not wake 'em up.
Shh, come on.
Want to go sit down?
You got so big.
So, Stan here
is a detective.
A real private eye
just like in the movies.
- Wow, really?
- Sure, sure.
You want to see my badge?
Stan works in Las Vegas.
How about that?
- What about court reporting school?
- Oh, I had to quit.
Stan wants me to stay home
and be a wife and mother.
Won't that be wonderful?
I bet you found out where your uncles
hid all that money, huh?
Why do you want to know?
Walt, your uncles
match the description
of two bank robbers
from the ' s and ' s.
- No, you're wrong.
- When Mae told me about them,
I got copies of the reports
and showed them to her.
It's them, honey.
They used shotguns.
They wore disguises.
They stole all that money.
And they shot people...
innocent people.
No, not them.
It can't be.
Stan knows what he's
talking about, honey.
What about Jasmine?
She and Uncle Hub
were in love. They...
- I have her picture.
- Honey, wasn't Jasmine
the woman who was driving
the getaway car?
- Ohh, right.
- Oh, Jasmine...
she was wounded.
And they just drove off...
and left her for dead.
I know this hurts, son.
But they're criminals,
and they lied to you.
My poor baby!
Oh, in the arms
of vicious criminals.
We came just as soon
as we found out.
We've come to take you away.
Now, I want you to tell Stan
where the money is, then we'll
go pack your things, okay?
Why do you need to know
where the money is?
Look at me, son.
Because it doesn't
belong to them.
It's stolen.
Why, it's probably hidden
right outside here somewhere, right?
Close by?
I'll tell you what, why don't we
take a little walk, huh?
Show us around the place.
What do you say?
Let's go.
Well, Walt, your mother
and I found a nice house.
Don't have enough money
for the down payment though.
We could always turn your uncles in
for the reward money,
but they'd go to jail.
Since all that money's
stolen, honey,
we got a right to it
just as much as they do.
We'll have a nice family
and nobody gets hurt.
Isn't it wonderful, Walter?
It's what we always wanted.
So, where is it?
They're old, they're going to
die soon anyway.
You want Uncle Sam to end up
with all that dough?
Just tell us.
Hub and Garth didn't rob any banks.
They were in Africa.
Africa!
Oh, Walter, be serious.
Really! They were shanghaied
into the Foreign Legion,
and had adventures for years.
They couldn't have robbed any banks!
Come on, pal. You don't
believe all that, do you?
- Sure, I do!
- You?! Mr Doubting Thomas?
Here Stan's got actual evidence
and you believe that Africa crap?!
Yes. Yes, I do.
Mae, you should go wait
on the porch.
We're going to have
a little chat, man to man.
Why don't we talk in the barn.
What do you say?
Come on!
Getting warmer? Huh?
No, let go!
Let's you and me
get something straight.
We can be friends
or we can be enemies.
I've had a run
of crummy luck lately.
I know some bad people who want
to cause a lot of trouble for me.
I need that money
and I know it's close.
And I'll be damned if some
snot-nosed kid
is going to stand in my way.
So what's
it going to be, pal?
Friends or enemies?
- Defend yourself.
- Huh?
Where is it?!
Where's the money?
Where is it?
Where is it?
Where is it?
Tell me where it is!
Tell me where it is!
Where is it?!
I heard some noise.
Oh God!
Jasmine?
Oh my goodness!
Oh my goodness! Stan!
It's dead.
Oh my God, he's dead!
Stan's dead!
No, he'll live.
I'm talking about the lion.
Oh!
We have to get him to the hospital.
Mae, get your car.
- I can't, I can't!
- Mae, your car!
- Get it, get it!
- Okay, okay.
- Let's get this lion off him.
- Okay.
- This man's going to need stitches.
- A lotta damn stitches.
What happened to her?
It looks like her heart gave out
in all the excitement.
- Yeah.
- She was plenty old, you know?
Look...
I think she's smiling.
Yeah.
I guess she died happy.
She died with her boots on,
that's the main thing.
Protecting her cub.
She was a real lion,
wasn't she?
There at the end.
Sure.
A real jungle lion.
A real Africa lion.
You finished packing?
Your momma's going to be back
from the hospital soon.
You can wait for her
on the front porch.
Stay right here.
Don't you move
a muscle.
So you all packed?
Where's your suitcase?
Don't be fresh.
- Upstairs in my room.
- Well, let's go get it.
Howdy, Stan.
You know,
you're lucky, Stan.
Lucky that lion got to you
before we did.
I wonder what your uncles
are saying to Stan.
Probably their 'What every boy needs
to know about being a man' speech.
Well, I'm glad to see
they're making friends.
So, you all set?
Let's go.
To make a long story short,
Stan, you and me, we can be friends...
or we can be enemies.
Well, boys, I hope Walter
wasn't too much trouble.
- We managed.
- What's going to happen to him?
A man like that's got
no business being around your boy.
Well, of course not.
What kind of mother would I be?
I'm going to drop him off
in Las Vegas.
l... I'll be back
for the...
rest of that speech if...
I'll be here.
Good boy.
Thanks for the s-stories
and everything. It... it...
it meant an...
an awful, awful lot.
I'm glad.
Well, come on, honey.
We're burning daylight.
Damn.
She doesn't deserve that kid.
Maybe we should
get a lawyer.
No judge is going to take a child
away from its mother
and give it to two old
bachelor uncles.
Maybe she'll sell him to us.
How much money we got?
Hub...
there's nothing we can do.
He's gone.
So where are we going?
I told you, Las Vegas.
I mean after.
After we drop Stan off.
Well, honey, Stan's going to need
a lot of looking after.
Walter!
What are you doing?!
Oh my God!
Walter! Walter!
Walter, stop!
Stop right there!
What's gotten into you?
Oh, honey, are you alright?
You gave me a heart attack.
You're still marrying him
after everything.
Oh, he's not so bad.
A little rough around the edges,
but he can change.
Mum!
He says he loves me.
- Has he hit you yet?
- Mind your own business!
You always think a new boyfriend
solves everything,
but you always pick losers,
and he's the worst of them all.
Walter, I had no choice.
Maybe you don't.
What?
- Mum?
- What?
Do something for me.
For once.
Do something
that's best for me.
Okay?
Salesmen ought to be here
in two, three hours.
- Whoop-de-doo.
- Uh-huh.
Lookie yonder.
Okay,
if I'm going to live here,
there's going to be
some conditions.
Conditions?
One, you two
got to stick around
until I'm through
with high school at least,
preferably college.
You both
got responsibilities now...
PTA, Boy Scouts,
Little League,
the works.
Sounds like we don't have
much choice.
Two, you both got to take
better care of yourselves.
More vegetables, less meat.
I wonder if travelling salesmen
sell school supplies?
And three,
no more dangerous stuff.
- No fighting teenagers, no airplanes...
- Now wait one minute...
At least till
I'm through with college.
- Maybe longer.
- What do you expect us to die of?
Old age?
Well...
welcome home.
- Hello?
- Walter?
- Yes?
- This is Sheriff Grady.
I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you.
It's about
your two uncles.
I'm sorry,
they passed away.
There was an accident...
and it's a blessing
that they didn't suffer.
It's a blessing too,
in a way, that they went together.
You understand.
I'm over here
at your uncles' place now.
You need to come on
over here.
You need to see this
for yourself.
- Walter?
- How you doing?
Alright.
Best I can figure,
they were trying to fly
through that barn
upside down.
Had a bunch of reporters
out here earlier, even CNN.
I guess any time a biplane...
from the First World War
crashes doing acrobatics,
being flown by two
-year-old men...
neither one of them
with pilot's licenses...
well...
well, they had a good long run,
both of them.
They went out
with their boots on.
Here.
I found their will.
'The kid gets it all.
Just plant us
in the damn garden...
with the stupid lion.'
Hey!
We've got some company.
This is it.
This is where they lived.
It's okay.
Come here, buddy.
Come here.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Forgive me.
We were in Houston when we heard
their names on the news,
and, well,
we just had to come.
When I was a boy,
my grandfather told me such stories.
- Your grandfather?
- A very wealthy sheik.
He used to love to tell me
stories about his wild youth.
Amazing, unbelievable stories
all about two brothers,
Hub and Garth McCann,
the most valiant
and brave men, huh?
He called them his
'most honoured adversaries.'
'The only men who ever
outsmarted me.'
Wait, so you...
you knew these two men?
They... they raised me.
It's an honour.
- Nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you.
Wow.
A-ha.
I see they spent
my grandfather's gold wisely.
Yeah.
Well, there was this one
travelling salesman.
So...
the two men from great
grandfather's stories,
they really lived?
Yeah...
they really lived.
I'm a rolling stone
from Texas
Rolling stone
from the plains
I'm a rolling stone
from Texas, boys
I long to be
back there again
Well, say, are you
from Texas?
That's what
I'm wanting to know
'Cos if we're both
from Texas, boys
Let's bundle up
our clothes and go...
They say a rolling stone
never gathers no moss
As long as
it's rolling along
Oh, but I don't care
if I gathered any moss
If it's in
my Texas home
I've got a little girl
a-waiting
Her name is
Patricia Jane
And I'll never be happy
till I'm by her side
Out on those
west Texas plains...