Secondhand Lions Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Secondhand Lions script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Haley Joel Osment, Michael Caine, Robert Duvall, Kyra Sedgwick, yadda yadda..  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Secondhand Lions. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Secondhand Lions Script



Let's roll!




I'm coming!









- Are you and I going fast?

- Hey!



- Hello?

- Walter?



- Yes?

- I have some bad news.



It's about your

two uncles, son.






Walter? Walter!



Good news...



you're spending the summer

with your two uncles.



It's just going to be for a few weeks.

A month or two, tops.



Scout's honour, okay?



Cross my heart

and hope to die, okay?



Where are you going

this time?



The Fort Worth College

of Court Reporting.



I met a guy last night.



He's going to pull

some strings.



Walter, you're going to have

to learn to trust people,



or you're going to grow up

bitter and disappointed.



You're going to have fun

with your two uncles. You'll see.



Mum, you're

an only child.



I know

what uncles are.



Well, Mr Smarty Pants,



It just so happens,

they really are your uncles.



Your great-uncles.



My mother's brothers.



They disappeared    years ago and just

now showed up back here in Texas.



- Can't I come with you?

- No!



Honey, I'm going to be working my tail

off learning court reporting.



I'm doing everything

I can to keep this family together.



How about a little

help here, okay?



Now, look...

they say these two old men



got millions

stashed away in cash.



Nobody knows

where they got it.



Got no kids, no one to leave

all that money to.



You and me, we're as close

as any family they got.



You want them

to like me



so they'll die

and leave us their money?



We could buy a house,

maybe settle down.



Oh, wouldn't that

be nice?



Oh, look! Here it is.



Here it is, honey.

Here it is.



By the way,



I hear these two were

in some state nuthouse for    years.



Got all their money

from a big lawsuit or something.



But then there's

lots of stories about them.



Who knows what

to believe?



Just find out where they stashed

all that money, okay?



Maybe we should've

called first.



No. Older people

just love surprises!



Here we are.






Go away, go away!



Hey, go away! Shoo!



Show 'em you're friendly, honey.

Let them smell your hand.



They must be down there

by that lake.



Let's go!

Come on!



There he is!



- Winged him.

- He's running for it.



- Damn! Empty.

- Get ammo. I'll keep him covered.












You send for a hooker?



Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth,

it's me, Mae!






Pearl's daughter.



And I brought Walter,



your nephew.



- Relatives.

- Damn! God.



We're old, damn it.

Leave us alone!



The last thing we need is some little

sissy boy hanging around all summer.



Walter, honey,



why don't you wait out here

and play, okay? I'll be a minute.



He could help out

around here, do chores.



Help out?

Your kid's a damn wienie.



I know. That's why he needs

to be around real men,



like you two.

It won't be for long.



He's got to cook for his

damn self. I'm not cooking.



Nice doggie.

Come play.



This is for your own good, Walter.



You know...



I bet all that money

is hidden real close by.




a real buried treasure



just like in those books

you're always reading.



Walter, maybe if you'd learn

to smile once in a while,



then people

might like you.



Now, come on, how about

a big smile to remember you by?




Come on!



You're going to have to work

on that smile while I'm gone, okay?



Bye, honey! Bye!






If my mum calls, can we hear

the telephone out here?



Don't have one.



No telephone?!



Is it okay if I go inside

and watch television?



Ain't got one.



No television?!



What do you do?






Rumour has is you two have

millions stashed away.



Why not put some of that money

to work for you



with the high yield only investing

in gold and silver can bring?




Wee-ooh, wee-ooh!



Can I leave you

some pamphlets?



Wee-ooh, wee-ooh



Ooh, ooh, wee-ooh,




I can see them dancing,

the silhouettes on the shade



I hear the music



All the lovers on parade,

open up



I want to come in again



I thought

you were my friend...



Gentlemen, word is out...



you are two sophisticated

men of means...






Movin' and a-groovin'

with that beat



Jumpin' and stompin'

on the floor



- Let me in, open up

- Let me in, open up



I'll open up

that door



I hear the music,

let me in



Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.



Nice evening. Peaceful.



Hey, kid.



You sleep up there.

In the tower.



Hey... we don't know

nothing about kids.



- So if you need something...

- Find it yourself.



Or better yet,

learn to do without.



- We're both getting old.

- Fixing to die any time.



So if we kick off

in the middle of the night,



you're on your own.



- Jumpy little fella.

- Mmm.



Quiet though.



Uncle Hub?



Uncle Hub?



He's sleepwalking.



Brand-new mattress

and I'm still waking up tired and sore.






you two

disappeared for...



   whole years.



Where were you?



Africa mostly...




Algeria, Kenya...



Not much sadder than

a couple of has-beens



jabbering about

the good old days.



Those days are through.

So are we.



I hate this!



- I hate it!

- We're retired.



Gardening is what

retired people do.



What do we want any

damn vegetables for anyway?



They're good for you.

Make you live to be    .



- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.



To hell with that.



You live to be    .



- Hey, Uncle Hub!

- Hub, how are you doing?



Kids, say hi to Uncle Hub. Hub, come

back here and see who we brought.



Uncle Garth!



Kids, say hi to Uncle Garth!



We're here

for a nice long visit.



The whole weekend. We know

how lonely our favourite uncles get.



Who the hell are you?



- Walter.

- Walter?!



Mae's boy?



Pearl's daughter... that loose

widow woman always running around.



- It figures she'd muscle in.

- Is Mae here?



How long

are you here for?



Well, we'll just see

about that.



We know

what you're up to.



Don't think you're going to

get away with it.



Come on, boys.

Come on.



His momma's going to be back

before long.



Oh, that woman? Huh!



From what I hear, she may never

come back. What then?



Then you'd be stuck

with him.



I'm telling you, take him

to the orphanage right this minute.



Whether we take him to the orphanage

or tie him up and throw him in the lake,



it's our business,

not yours.



Here he is now, spying!



Ow! Ow, ow!



See what I'm saying?

Did you see what he just did?






Fort Worth College

of Court Reporting.



I need to find my mum.

She's a student there.



I'm sorry, we're closed.



It's an emergency.




Her name's Mae...

Mae Coleman.






No, I'm sorry, there's no

Mae Coleman registered here.



Oh! Try Mae Carter.



No, I'm sorry.



Mabel Cartwright?



Mabe Calloway?



Donna Tompko?



Young man, are you

in some sort of trouble?



She's got to be there!

She just started.



Listen, our classes

started back in January.



No one could have possibly

just started.



Hello? Hello?






Hub, I don't know why

you have to drive. It's my car.



Stop whining.



If we find the kid, he's going to

get a piece of my mind.



There he is.




stay in the car!



Hub, come on!



- No, no. You, not me, no!

- Hub!



Get out of the car.




your next move?



Where you figure

on going?






Area code    ...






How come you're not heading

to Fort Worth where your momma is?



She's not there.



She lied...






Listen, kid,



we know you got your heart

set on going to Montana,



but it's late.



Hub, help me out here.



Why? It sounds like

his mind's made up.



Good luck

in Montana, kid.



We've got better maps than

that one at the house, right, Hub?



Yeah, a man needs

a good map, that's for sure.






I've been

to the orphan home before.



I don't want to go back.



Damn it, kid,



it ain't our fault you got

a lousy damn mother.



Guess I should get going.



Which way is north?



I'll say one thing

for this kid...



he sure pisses off

the relatives.



Listen, kid,

do us a favour.



If you come back

to the house



and stay awhile,



why, our relatives

are going to hate it.



I bet they hate it

so much,



they go away and leave us all

the hell alone.



- It's crazy enough it just might work.

- Sure.



Come on, kid,

help us out here.



I guess I could

come back...



for a while,



seeing it's

so important.



So kid,



how's that root beer?



Uncle Hub,

Uncle Garth,



this has been such...



a wonderful weekend.



I hate

to bring this up,



but have you two looked

at that will I left for you?



You both need

to be thinking about these things



at your age.



Don't shoot!

Don't shoot.



He's been

here before.



Brothers McCann?



This is

no ordinary salesman.



Hell, I like me a challenge.



Can we talk?



Come out where

we can see you.



Put down your guns

and I'll come out.



This guy is good.



I'll cover,

you sneak around.



...that's not complete.



What? What do you?

What? What?



- Why not see what he's selling?

- Let me just show it to you.



- What the hell for?

- It's right behind my car.



What's the good having money

if you never spend it?



- Trust me.

- It could be the kid has a point.



Yeah, well...



we'll see

what the man's selling.



- Then we shoot him.

- Good plan.






Due to the...



unsettling nature

of our previous encounters...



I took it upon myself to search

the world over for that...



that perfect item

that'd be just right



for two exuberant sportsmen

such as yourselves.



And boys,



well, I do believe

I found it.






What is it?



Well, that right there

is the sport of kings.



Up till now, only heads of state

have been able to afford



a fine piece

of equipment like that,



and it is so simple to operate

even this child could do it.







I'll tell you what...



you step right up here and chunk

that lever back on my signal, okay?



Go ahead.






The most powerful one

on the market,



and very reasonably priced,

I might add.



Well, that is the biggest waste of money

I have ever seen in my entire life.



Mister, you load up that contraption

and get the hell off this land.



We'll take it.



Oh no, you don't!



I won't have my children

around this gun foolishness.



Then leave!



- Come on, Daddy, let's go.

- Come on. Come on.



You know what happens

when my feelings get hurt.



Get in the car.

Get in the car.



Ah, ha



Oh, suey!












- Uncle Hub?

- Don't. I tried to wake him once.



He nearly tore

my head off.



Leave him

for a few minutes.



What are you doing

out here so late?



What's wrong with him?



Well, a man's body

may grow old,



but inside his spirit can still be

as young and restless as ever.



And him...



in his day,

he had more spirit



than    men.



It looks like...

he's looking for something.



- Mm-hmm.

- What?



He's looking for her.






What was her name?






Okay, tell me.



You want me

to tell you the story?






That would take days.



Well, uh...



Hub was always

too restless for Texas.



He convinced our folks



that he needed to go

to Europe,



and I needed

to come along.



That was

the summer of     .



I la-like you.



Extra, extra! Germany invades!




just as we arrived in France,



so did the Kaiser

and the entire German Army.



I wanted to go home,



but Hub said we should tour Europe

one step ahead of the Germans.



And we did.

What a time that was.



There were these girls

in Toulon... twins. And they...






we eventually wound up

in Marseilles



with passages booked

on the last ship out of Europe.



And Hub, he decided

that we should spend our last night




the local nightlife.



Three, three!



He made friends

with these soldiers,



and they bought us

some drinks... strong, strange drinks.



We woke up on a ship



bound for North Africa...




- Shanghaied?

- Yeah.



We found ourselves

in the French Foreign Legion.



'lt's all my fault, ' Hub said,

but he told me not to worry.



He'd make sure

nothing happened to me.



We fought many battles

against overwhelming odds.



He saved my life

countless times.



When the war was over,

we both went our separate ways.



I ended up

leading safaris



mostly for writers

and Hollywood folk.



But that was

too tame for Hub.



He got commissions from

the new North African governments,



to put an end

to the slave trade.



No one,

slave trader or Bedouin,



had ever seen anything

like this mad American



who fought like    men.






What the hell are you two doing

out here in the middle of the night?



Just enjoying

the cool night air.



Either one of you

got a lick of sense,



go to bed.



I'm a rolling stone

from Texas



Rolling stones

from the plains



I am a rolling stone

from Texas, boys



I long to be

back there again



Well, say,

are you from Texas?



That's what

I'm wanting to know



'Cos if we're both

from Texas, boys



Let's bundle up

our clothes and go...



Dear Walter,



how are you?

Found your uncles' money yet?



Here I am at school

in Fort Worth,



my nose to the court

reporting grind... '



Damn it, brother, I'm not going

anywhere looking like this.



Look like a damn




We're gardeners.

This is what gardeners wear.



I bought you some clothes too.

They're in your room.



Think how good

all these vegetables are going to taste.



Peas, beans,



squash, tomatoes.



- Yeah.

- What's this row?



- Beets.

- Beets?



And what about

this row?



- Potatoes.

- Potatoes?






Wait one damn

minute here.



- What's this row here?

- Tomatoes.



- Tomatoes?

- Yeah.



That's lettuce, squash,

sweet potatoes, carrots, bok choy.



- Bok Choy? What is that?

- Chinese cabbage.



Hey, that row

looks right.



Yeah, well,

this is corn!



All those seeds did

look alike, come to think of it.



- Yeah, like corn.

- Boy...



- that seed salesman sure saw us coming.

- No, saw you coming.



Corn, corn, corn!



Nothing but corn.



Corn. Corn.



By God, it's here!



Kid, help him unload.

We'll be right back.



Careful, kid.

He's a man-eater.



Is this the McCann place?

We brought your lion.



King of the beasts.

Terror of the jungle.



You bought a lion?

A used lion?



Stand back, kid, you don't want

to get mauled and eaten.



- What are you doing?

- Brother,



this is the best idea

you ever had.



This lion head will sure look good

hanging over our fireplace.



What fireplace?

You don't have a fireplace.



We'll buy one.



You're going to shoot it?



Well, be seeing you.



- He's in there, alright.

- I don't think this is very sporting.



Kid, at our age,

this is as sporting as we get.



Walter, come here.



When I give

the word, pull this.









Come on out

of there.



Hey, you

in the crate!



Get your lion butt

out of there.



Looks awful tame.



This lion's no good.




it's defective.



- It's alive, that's the main thing.

- Go ahead and shoot it then.



No, it wouldn't be sporting,

shooting it inside a crate.



Looks kind of old...



worn-out looking.



Some kind

of lion hunt this is.



Perfect. A reject.



Some sick zoo cast-off.



So can I keep him?



I'll look after him and take care of him

and feed him and everything!



I never had a pet

of my very own before.



So kid, you want to take care of it,

nurse it back to health?




Then we shoot it.



That's some lion

you bought.



That's some

garden seeds you bought.



Don't worry, they're not as bad

as they seem right at first.



I'll be right back

with supper.




Now you can see out.



You sure

he can't get out?




It's a girl lion.



I named her Jasmine.



What did you just say?



It seemed like a good name...

for a lion.



I'm sorry it took

awhile to come in.



In    years, I never had

a call for it.



'Purina Lion Chow.'



I'll be!



If you wait a few minutes,

my boys will load you up.



I got it.



Garth, pay the man.



Be careful.



Mr McCann, those are bags

that weigh    pounds a piece.



Take the other end.



Here we go.



If you two old ladies want to get in,

I'll take you home now.












Little boy!



You're with those

McCann brothers?



I know that they're

ex-mafia hit men.



They're on the run with millions

that they stole from Al Capone.



Tell me more

about Africa...



about you and Uncle Hub

and Jasmine.



Why would a smart kid like you

want to hear hokey old stories?



What else

do we have to do?



Where was I?



'No one,

slave trader or Bedouin,



had ever seen anything

like this mad American



who fought like    men. '



Yeah right, right, right.

Well, it so happened...



one of the women

that Hub freed



was handmaiden

to a princess.



When she told her mistress

the story of her rescue,



most of all, she told her about

the handsome, heroic American.



'I must meet this man! '

The princess said.



One day, Hub was riding his horse

along the Mediterranean,



when out of nowhere,

another rider came up alongside.



But you know Hub...

he wasn't about to let a chance pass.



It became a race.



Most people say that Hub was

the best rider in North Africa.



But this other rider

kept neck and neck



as the race went

on and on.



Then the two horses




The riders went flying

into the sea.



Hub leaped to his feet

ready for anything...



or so he thought.



This was the princess,



the most beautiful woman

he had ever seen.



- Jasmine!

- Jasmine.



Many people say there's

no such thing nowadays,



it's something

you only find in stories,



but when these two set eyes

on each other for the first time,



this was honest to god,

no kidding, sure enough,



once in a lifetime,



love at first sight.



Wait a minute.

If it was true love



they would've been married

and lived happily ever after, right?



Aren't you

getting ahead of the story?



- Okay, keep going.

- Well...



things weren't easy

for them back then.



She was promised

to another man,



a powerful sheik

in a neighbouring kingdom.



He heard that Jasmine

was in love with another,



so he threatened

her father,



and took Jasmine off

to his kingdom



and locked her up

in his harem.



She told the other wives

that she would rather die



than marry

this heartless sheik.



She had a knife on her.



And when he came for her

that night,



she was going

to slit her own throat.



What did

Uncle Hub do?



They got married,

and lived happily ever after.



The end.



But wait,



if they lived

happily ever after,



then they got married, and she'd

be here right now with us, right?



Didn't they have kids?

Where are they?




What's going on?



I wish they'd tell us




Get out of my face!



Where'd you put my damn pants?

Where's my pants?



- You can't do that!

- Gimme my pants!



Who put me in here?

Who put me in here? You two!




lot of good they are.



How would you know? You're never

in one long enough to find out.



Hey, you missed

the turn.



- I did not.

- Home is that way.



I want to go this way.




where is Mr McCann?



Oh, I'm afraid he's gone.



Well, he led

a long full life.



Where is the body?



No, he's gone... left.



Mr McCann checked

himself out.









someday you're going to have

to start acting your age.



What the hell

does that mean?



All your life, you've never been

frightened of anything.



So what's eating

at you now?



Getting old?



- Dying?

- Hell no.



- What then?

- Being useless.



When we were young

there was always a reason,



there was a point.

Things made sense.



Now there's

no point to anything.



So what do we do?

We garden.



We outlived our time,




- Go get some beers.

- Alright.



Hey, old man,



how's that barbeque?



Give me some.



We're busy, boy.

Get lost, alright?



What did you say?



Here's a perfect example

of what I've been talking about.



Since this boy was suckling

on his momma's tit,



he's been given

everything but discipline.



And now his idea

of courage and manhood



is to get together with

a bunch of punk friends



and ride around

irritating folks...



too good natured

to put a stop to it.



Hey, who do you

think you are, huh?



- Just a dumb kid, Hub, don't kill him.

- Right.



I'm Hub McCann.



I fought in two World Wars and countless

smaller ones on three continents.



I led thousands of men

into battle with everything



from horses and swords

to artillery and tanks.



I've seen the headwaters

of the Nile,



and tribes of natives that no white man

had ever seen before.



I've won and lost

a dozen fortunes,



killed many men



and loved

only one woman



with a passion

a flea like you



could never begin

to understand.



That's who I am.



Now, go home, boy!



We'll show these

old bastards whose tough!



- Get out your knife.

- Yeah.



Now, boys,



you're fixing to let

those teenage hormones



get you into a world

of trouble.



Damn it, Garth.

Did I ask you to butt in?



Hub, you just

come out of the hospital.



Well, there's...

there's only four of 'em.



Yeah, but...

look, you fight this one first.



And then I'll let you fight

the other three after, okay?




Watch this, kid!



Now you!

You better pick that knife up,



'cos, son, you're going to need

all the help you can get.



- Come on, Frankie!

- Get him.



Get him, Frankie, cut him!






Shoot, oldest trick

in the book.



Okay, okay.



You hold it wrong, son. Not like this.

You always do it like this... smooth.



- Try it again.

- Come on, Frankie.



Come on, Frankie, get him!



- Cut him

- Come on. Okay.



- Get him, Frankie, cut him.

- Yeah, you got him! Frankie, come on!



- Stop, stop, ahh!

- You're breaking his arm!



You three had better

get in there and help him.



Why aren't you

helping him?



Hub always hogs the bad guys.

He's selfish that way.



But there's

four of them!



Three of them.



Go on, Hub!

Hey, there's my boy!



Like this, kid?

Pretty good, huh?



- Couldn't you share?

- Nah.



After    years,

I'm used to it.






Besides, right now, I figure

he needs them worse than I do.



Go on, Hub!



This'll hold him though.



- This'll hold him.

- Please! Please!



They're not

back yet, Daddy.



I'm sure with Hub

just out of the hospital,



they're taking it slow

and easy on the way home.






Oh, I hate this house.

I hate it.



When those two finally

drop dead,



I want you to burn this place

to the ground, Daddy.



Hey, what's that?



Beats me.



- Let's tear it up!

- Yeah.



What is it?



It's stuffed!



- Mum!

- Mum!



- He's alive!

- What? What happened?



I told you about

those lies of yours.






What have you done

with Uncle Hub?



Kid, get some meat.



Where's Uncle Hub?



Oh, Lord, there's

been an accident.



I want to go home now.



You're in no shape

to go home now.



It was a fight.

Uncle Hub won. It was great.



- Ahh!

- The lion really did try to eat us.



- Shush.

- Jasmine?



Oh Jasmine!

I haven't fed her all day.



I bet she's really hungry.

I got to go feed her.



Here, here!



Here you go,







- There really is a lion.

- Lion?! You got a lion?



- It's locked up.

- No, it isn't. It tried to eat us.



- It really tried to eat us.

- Get the guns!



- Get out of the way.

- Get the guns.



Come here,

come here.






Jasmine? Jasmine?




Come on. Oh!



Eew, lion spit. No, stop.



Don't shoot,

you'll hit him.



Come on. Whoa!



They're gone.



- We might be too late.

- Move in.



You stay. Stay.






Stop, stop.



Attack him!



She's feeling a lot better.



Get off of me!



We're leaving.



We are not coming back

until you get rid of that monster.



Well, the lion stays.



Alright, that's it.

Come on, Daddy.



Daddy! Come on!



Bye, Uncle Hub.

Bye, Uncle Garth!



Shut up.

Get in the car.



I need a drink bad.

I'm having a bad day.



You boys hungry?



- Want to stay for supper?

- What are we going to eat?






A lotta meat.



She won't come outta

the cornfield.



This cornfield's the closest thing

to a jungle she's ever seen.



She knows this is where

she belongs.



- I think she's happy.

- I think she is.



What about you?

You happy?



What's he saying to them?



He's giving them his 'What every boy

needs to know about being a man' speech.



A lot of men have heard

that speech over the years.



A lot of men.



- Will he give that speech to me?

- Oh, I guarantee it.




he's still around, of course.



Hey, you didn't finish that story

about Uncle Hub and Jasmine.



- You don't believe this Africa stuff?

- It's a good story.



Well, after he

rescued Jasmine,



several years passed,

wonderful years.



Never were two people

so happy,



so in love.



It was perfect.



Except for one thing.



- The sheik.

- The sheik.



He hated Hub

for stealing Jasmine,



so he put a price

on Hub's head.



      pieces of gold...

a fortune.



Assassins came

from miles around.



Come on!



He and Jasmine had

to be on guard



every minute

of every day.



Hub knew he and Jasmine

couldn't run forever,



that sooner or later

their luck would run out.



There was only

one thing to do.



So one day an assassin led Hub,

bound in chains,



into the sheik's fortress



to claim his      

pieces of gold.






They gave the assassin

bags and bags of gold



as the sheik ordered Hub



down to the notorious

Dungeon of      Tortures.



What kind of greedy, no-good scum

would turn in Uncle Hub for money?



Well, I would.



Ah, it was a trick.



Yeah, it was a trick.



In the dungeon,

I drew my sword...



and single-handedly

slaughtered everyone in there



and freed Hub

without dropping



a single gold coin.



Wait a minute,

wait a minute.



You saved Uncle Hub,



all this time carrying

hundreds of pounds of gold?



You don't believe

I killed all those men and saved Hub?



Well, Hub might've helped

just a little.



We were greatly




We fought against

incredible odds.



And when it was over,

we split up.



Each one knew what the other

had to do.



High in his opulent




the sheik slept.



He awoke with Hub's sword

across his throat.



The sheik was terrified,



but Hub

just lowered his blade.



'Defend yourself! '

Hub cried.



And he threw

the sheik a sword.



The sheik knew that he would

surely die now,



without even the right

to beg for mercy.



But Hub just said,



'Twice I have held

your life in my hands,



and twice I have

given it back to you.



The next time... '



...your life is mine.



And from that moment on,



the assassination attempts




Some say it was

because the sheik



was afraid that Hub

would return and kill him.



Others said because Hub

had spared his life,



the sheik did the honourable thing

and let his enemy live.




I think it's because



the sheik was so damn busy

once they discovered oil in his kingdom.



He became one of

the five richest men in the world.



What?! The bad guy

gets filthy rich?



What the heck kind

of story ends that way?



I just told it

the way it happened.



- Bye.

- So long.



So that's how you got

all your money?



- The gold from the sheik?

- Well...






Those young men'll

be okay now.



- Will you?

- Yeah.



I feel old

and worn out.



- You've been busy.

- Yeah.



Terrorizing doctors

and nurses,



beating up teenagers,

chasing after lions...



you've had a full day.



Lucky those boys don't know

diddly-squat about fighting.



Won't be long till the kid here

can whup my ass.



Won't be long till I'll be

helpless in a fight.



- Useless!

- You'll feel better in a day or two.



Yeah, well...



I'm going to bed.

Good night, kid.






you finally going to tell me

what happened to Jasmine?



- Nope.

- What?!



You want to know

what happened to Jasmine



you're going to have

to ask him.



Ask Uncle Hub?



Are you crazy?

Look what happened last time.



I'm tired of doing

all the dirty work around here.



If you want to hear

the end of this story,



you're going to

have to ask him.



- Hub?

- Yeah?



- An airplane?

- Yep, always wanted one.



You always said you'd

never set foot in an airplane.



You don't trust them

to fall right out of the sky.



They're dangerous, alright,

plenty dangerous.



You got a book of instructions

or something?



Yeah, right here.



You don't know

a damn thing about airplanes.



Well, I'm going to learn,

I tell you.




It says right here,



'To climb,

pull back on the stick;



to descend, push forward

on the stick.'



I'll have this thing up

in the air in no time.



Whoo! Damn.



Maybe it's just a new hobby.



Maybe he doesn't really

mean to...



you know,

do something crazy.



You think so?



You ask him yet?



About Jasmine?



You'd better

make it quick.



What the hell?



It's the middle

of the night.



What's the matter?

What are you doing here?



You got something

to say to me?



Spit it out.



What happened to her,

Uncle Hub?



What happened

to Jasmine?



I have to know.

I have to.



She died.



Died in childbirth.

Her and the baby.



What did you do?



Went back to the only life

I knew... back to the Legion.



For the next    years, there was

always one more war to fight.



Then I got old

and came here.



Here I am.



Here I am.



You cold, son?



You'd better... here.



You'd better...

you'd better go inside.



Good boy, thank you.

Good boy.



Those stories about Africa...



about you...



they're true, aren't they?



- Doesn't matter.

- It does too.



Around my mum all I hear is lies.

I don't know what to believe in.



If you want to believe in something,

then believe in it.



Just because something isn't true,

that's no reason you can't believe it.






There's a long speech

I give to young men,



sounds like you need

to hear a piece of it.



Just a piece.



Sometimes the things that may

or may not be true



are the things that a man needs

to believe in the most.



That people are

basically good;



that honour...



courage and virtue

mean everything;



that power and money,

money and power mean nothing;



that good always triumphs

over evil;



and I want you

to remember this, that love...



true love never dies.

You remember that, boy.



You remember that.



Doesn't matter if it's

true or not. You see,



a man should believe

in those things, because...



those are the things

worth believing in.



Got that?



That was a good speech.



Think so? Thanks.






When are you going to give me

the rest of the speech?



When you're almost a man.



- You promise?

- Wait one minute here. Wait...



I can't be a good man until you give me

the rest of the speech, right?



You need to stick around until I'm

old enough to hear the whole thing.



- I see what you're trying to pull.

- You have to stick around



- until I'm old enough...

- I'll write it down.



No! I want you

to give me the speech!



You won't be

living here then.



You're my uncle. I need you

to stick around and be my uncle.



What about Uncle Garth?



He needs you.



W-what about the dogs

and the pig,



and the lion?

We all need you. I need you.



- No, you're just being silly.

- No, it's true!



- You're being silly.

- It's true!



I know you miss Jasmine

an awful, awful lot.



But if you go,



we'll miss you

just as much.



It's true.



Alright, damn it,

you win.



I'll stick around

and be your damn uncle.



Don't expect me

to be happy about it.



Alright? Deal?






Ohh, ohh.



You're a good boy.



You're a good boy.

You're a good boy.



Walter, Walter!



Get ready. Walter!



This money

look stolen to you?



Try to help you



I can't do it

all by myself...



I can't do it

all by myself.



Oh, honey,

you're so funny.






- Whoop!

- Oh!



Shh, quiet!



- Mum!

- Hi, honey.



Walter, Walter,

this is Stan.



I've heard a lot

about you, Walter.



Your uncles

still sleeping?



Best not wake 'em up.



Shh, come on.

Want to go sit down?



You got so big.



So, Stan here

is a detective.



A real private eye

just like in the movies.



- Wow, really?

- Sure, sure.



You want to see my badge?



Stan works in Las Vegas.

How about that?



- What about court reporting school?

- Oh, I had to quit.



Stan wants me to stay home

and be a wife and mother.



Won't that be wonderful?



I bet you found out where your uncles

hid all that money, huh?



Why do you want to know?



Walt, your uncles

match the description



of two bank robbers

from the '  s and '  s.



- No, you're wrong.

- When Mae told me about them,



I got copies of the reports

and showed them to her.



It's them, honey.



They used shotguns.

They wore disguises.



They stole all that money.

And they shot people...



innocent people.



No, not them.

It can't be.



Stan knows what he's

talking about, honey.



What about Jasmine?



She and Uncle Hub

were in love. They...



- I have her picture.

- Honey, wasn't Jasmine



the woman who was driving

the getaway car?



- Ohh, right.

- Oh, Jasmine...



she was wounded.



And they just drove off...



and left her for dead.



I know this hurts, son.



But they're criminals,

and they lied to you.



My poor baby!



Oh, in the arms

of vicious criminals.



We came just as soon

as we found out.



We've come to take you away.

Now, I want you to tell Stan



where the money is, then we'll

go pack your things, okay?



Why do you need to know

where the money is?



Look at me, son.



Because it doesn't

belong to them.



It's stolen.



Why, it's probably hidden

right outside here somewhere, right?



Close by?



I'll tell you what, why don't we

take a little walk, huh?



Show us around the place.

What do you say?



Let's go.



Well, Walt, your mother

and I found a nice house.



Don't have enough money

for the down payment though.



We could always turn your uncles in

for the reward money,



but they'd go to jail.



Since all that money's

stolen, honey,



we got a right to it

just as much as they do.



We'll have a nice family

and nobody gets hurt.



Isn't it wonderful, Walter?

It's what we always wanted.



So, where is it?



They're old, they're going to

die soon anyway.



You want Uncle Sam to end up

with all that dough?



Just tell us.



Hub and Garth didn't rob any banks.

They were in Africa.




Oh, Walter, be serious.



Really! They were shanghaied

into the Foreign Legion,



and had adventures for    years.

They couldn't have robbed any banks!



Come on, pal. You don't

believe all that, do you?



- Sure, I do!

- You?! Mr Doubting Thomas?



Here Stan's got actual evidence

and you believe that Africa crap?!



Yes. Yes, I do.



Mae, you should go wait

on the porch.



We're going to have

a little chat, man to man.



Why don't we talk in the barn.

What do you say?



Come on!



Getting warmer? Huh?



No, let go!



Let's you and me

get something straight.



We can be friends

or we can be enemies.



I've had a run

of crummy luck lately.



I know some bad people who want

to cause a lot of trouble for me.



I need that money

and I know it's close.



And I'll be damned if some



snot-nosed kid

is going to stand in my way.



So what's

it going to be, pal?



Friends or enemies?



- Defend yourself.

- Huh?



Where is it?!



Where's the money?

Where is it?



Where is it?



Where is it?



Tell me where it is!



Tell me where it is!



Where is it?!



I heard some noise.



Oh God!






Oh my goodness!

Oh my goodness! Stan!



It's dead.



Oh my God, he's dead!

Stan's dead!



No, he'll live.

I'm talking about the lion.






We have to get him to the hospital.

Mae, get your car.



- I can't, I can't!

- Mae, your car!



- Get it, get it!

- Okay, okay.



- Let's get this lion off him.

- Okay.



- This man's going to need stitches.

- A lotta damn stitches.



What happened to her?



It looks like her heart gave out

in all the excitement.



- Yeah.

- She was plenty old, you know?






I think she's smiling.




I guess she died happy.



She died with her boots on,

that's the main thing.



Protecting her cub.



She was a real lion,

wasn't she?



There at the end.






A real jungle lion.



A real Africa lion.



You finished packing?



Your momma's going to be back

from the hospital soon.



You can wait for her

on the front porch.



Stay right here.



Don't you move

a muscle.



So you all packed?

Where's your suitcase?



Don't be fresh.



- Upstairs in my room.

- Well, let's go get it.



Howdy, Stan.



You know,

you're lucky, Stan.



Lucky that lion got to you

before we did.



I wonder what your uncles

are saying to Stan.



Probably their 'What every boy needs

to know about being a man' speech.



Well, I'm glad to see

they're making friends.



So, you all set?



Let's go.



To make a long story short,

Stan, you and me, we can be friends...



or we can be enemies.



Well, boys, I hope Walter

wasn't too much trouble.



- We managed.

- What's going to happen to him?



A man like that's got

no business being around your boy.



Well, of course not.

What kind of mother would I be?



I'm going to drop him off

in Las Vegas.



l... I'll be back

for the...



rest of that speech if...



I'll be here.



Good boy.



Thanks for the s-stories



and everything. It... it...



it meant an...



an awful, awful lot.



I'm glad.



Well, come on, honey.

We're burning daylight.






She doesn't deserve that kid.



Maybe we should

get a lawyer.



No judge is going to take a child

away from its mother



and give it to two old

bachelor uncles.



Maybe she'll sell him to us.

How much money we got?






there's nothing we can do.

He's gone.



So where are we going?



I told you, Las Vegas.



I mean after.

After we drop Stan off.



Well, honey, Stan's going to need

a lot of looking after.






What are you doing?!



Oh my God!



Walter! Walter!



Walter, stop!



Stop right there!



What's gotten into you?



Oh, honey, are you alright?

You gave me a heart attack.



You're still marrying him

after everything.



Oh, he's not so bad.



A little rough around the edges,

but he can change.






He says he loves me.



- Has he hit you yet?

- Mind your own business!



You always think a new boyfriend

solves everything,



but you always pick losers,

and he's the worst of them all.



Walter, I had no choice.



Maybe you don't.






- Mum?

- What?



Do something for me.



For once.



Do something

that's best for me.






Salesmen ought to be here

in two, three hours.



- Whoop-de-doo.

- Uh-huh.



Lookie yonder.




if I'm going to live here,



there's going to be

some conditions.






One, you two

got to stick around



until I'm through

with high school at least,



preferably college.



You both

got responsibilities now...



PTA, Boy Scouts,

Little League,



the works.



Sounds like we don't have

much choice.



Two, you both got to take

better care of yourselves.



More vegetables, less meat.



I wonder if travelling salesmen

sell school supplies?



And three,

no more dangerous stuff.



- No fighting teenagers, no airplanes...

- Now wait one minute...



At least till

I'm through with college.



- Maybe longer.

- What do you expect us to die of?



Old age?






welcome home.



- Hello?

- Walter?



- Yes?

- This is Sheriff Grady.



I'm afraid I have

some bad news for you.



It's about

your two uncles.



I'm sorry,

they passed away.



There was an accident...



and it's a blessing

that they didn't suffer.



It's a blessing too,

in a way, that they went together.



You understand.



I'm over here

at your uncles' place now.



You need to come on

over here.



You need to see this

for yourself.



- Walter?

- How you doing?






Best I can figure,

they were trying to fly



through that barn

upside down.



Had a bunch of reporters

out here earlier, even CNN.



I guess any time a biplane...



from the First World War

crashes doing acrobatics,



being flown by two

  -year-old men...



neither one of them

with pilot's licenses...






well, they had a good long run,

both of them.



They went out

with their boots on.




I found their will.



'The kid gets it all.



Just plant us

in the damn garden...



with the stupid lion.'






We've got some company.



This is it.



This is where they lived.



It's okay.

Come here, buddy.



Come here.

Look at this.



Look at this.



Forgive me.



We were in Houston when we heard

their names on the news,



and, well,

we just had to come.



When I was a boy,

my grandfather told me such stories.



- Your grandfather?

- A very wealthy sheik.



He used to love to tell me

stories about his wild youth.



Amazing, unbelievable stories

all about two brothers,



Hub and Garth McCann,



the most valiant

and brave men, huh?



He called them his

'most honoured adversaries.'



'The only men who ever

outsmarted me.'



Wait, so you...



you knew these two men?



They... they raised me.



It's an honour.



- Nice to meet you.

- It's nice to meet you.









I see they spent

my grandfather's gold wisely.






Well, there was this one

travelling salesman.






the two men from great

grandfather's stories,



they really lived?






they really lived.



I'm a rolling stone

from Texas



Rolling stone

from the plains



I'm a rolling stone

from Texas, boys



I long to be

back there again



Well, say, are you

from Texas?



That's what

I'm wanting to know



'Cos if we're both

from Texas, boys



Let's bundle up

our clothes and go...



They say a rolling stone

never gathers no moss



As long as

it's rolling along



Oh, but I don't care

if I gathered any moss



If it's in

my Texas home



I've got a little girl




Her name is

Patricia Jane



And I'll never be happy

till I'm by her side



Out on those

west Texas plains...

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