Secret Admirer Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Secret Admirer script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the C. Thomas Howell, Lori Loughlin, and Kelly Preston movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Secret Admirer. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Secret Admirer Script





-Hey, Michael.

-Hey, girls.



What are you guys doing here?

You going home?



Well, I'll go with you.



What timing.



So, what are you guys

gonna do tonight?



-Not much.

-Kappa Omega party.



Oh, yeah, Kappa Omega.

I heard about those dudes.



Aren't they the big homo house?



I suppose one might try

to poke fun at it...



if one were insecure

about one's own masculinity.



Yeah, I hate guys like that.

They're so immature.



Hey, beautiful, want a ride?



No, thanks, Steve,

I'll just walk.



Oh, Michael, you're so mature.



-See you tonight, Ton.

-Bye, Deb.



So, slick,

what are you gonna do tonight?



Does she really like that guy?



Debbie, I think, likes the idea

of going out with older guys.



Yeah? What about you?



Me? Oh, I have no standards.

I'd even go out with you.




we've been friends too long.



Besides, I do have standards,

so that'll never happen.






What if I grew a mustache?



Do you think Debbie would go out

with me if I grew a mustache?



Well, I don't know.

Can you?



Well, if you can do it, I can.



Dickhead, we were waiting

for you in the parking lot.



Come on. We got some crucial

partying to do at your place.



-See you, Toni.

-Bye, Michael.



-Hi, Toni.

-Hello, Roger.



Come here.



Do you got a ride?



No, actually, I don't.



Gee, that's too bad.






Bologna? Peanut butter?



Yeah, but forget

that strawberry shit.



Bring the boysenberry syrup.



And white bread.

Whole-wheat makes me fart.



We know.



Come on, let's get out of here.



Do you have any brie?



Come on, you homo.



Come here, you guys. Help me

carry some of this stuff.



Come on.

How am I gonna--hey.



Open sesame.













All right!






Ah, summer.



Great. I got no job.



I got no woman.

I got no money.



I'll probably be spending

the next   months with you guys.



Oh, I'm depressed, fellas.



Uh-oh. Barry's depressed.



Yeah, right. Listen to this.



"Three international banks...



"predict dire consequences

for the European community...



"if the dollar

takes a sudden plunge."



You're too fucking weird

for words, Ricardo.



You're abusing this magazine,




This magazine isn't for reading.

lt's for beating off.



Well, what do we have here?



-Hey, guys, give me that.




-Give me the envelope.

-The envelope, sir.






Come on, Michael.



You guys are a bunch of fucking

assholes, you know that?



lt's obvious that nobody has

any respect for a man's privacy.



-Thank you, Roger.

-No problem.



Holy shit. Listen to this.



"I don't know how to tell you

what I want to tell you...



"so I'm writing it down.



"I'll never find the nerve

to give you this letter anyway.



"When I look at you, I can't

take my eyes off of you."



Kirkpatrick, did you write this?



You wish.



"I long to have

your arms around me...



"and feel your body

against mine."



Whoa, radical.



"I know you don't feel

like I do...



"which is why I don't have

the courage to sign this.



"But I just love you

more than words can say.












Michael, who wrote this?



I haven't even seen

the letter yet, dog-breath.



Boy, I sure know

who I wish it was from.



Yeah, Deborah Anne Fimple.



Oh, come on.



No way.

She goes out with college guys.



Yeah, that's exactly

what she wants us to think.



When they want you the most,

that's when they want you...



to think they want you

the least.



Wait a minute.



Somebody's in love with Michael,

and we don't know who it is.



Quite a grasp

of the situation there, Douglas.



Why would a great girl

like Fimple...



go out with a yahoo like him?



Hey, wait a minute, you guys.



Now, what makes us

so sure that the Fimple...



would not go out

with a yahoo like Mike?






Has she ever turned him down

for a date?



No, and you want to know why?



Because he has never

asked her out for a date.



And if a girl

like Deborah Anne Fimple...



were actually in love

with Michael...



she wouldn't ask him out.



She'd wait for him

to ask her out.



And maybe--just maybe--



she's been waitin' all year.




as far as I can see...



there's only one way

to find out.



lt's gonna take

a pretty gnarly pair of 'nads.



Kappa Omega party...






There's Jocko's car.



Yeah, I can see the car, Rog.



-What the hell is that?

-Moose head.



Where is she?



I'll find her. She's got to be

in here somewhere.









Second floor balcony,

up to the right.




he's got his hand on her ass.



That should be my hand.



All right, you guys.

lt's not gonna be easy in there.



lt's gonna be dangerous.

Some of us might get hurt.



Some of us might not

even come back...



but that's the risk

we got to take...



for our compadre, Miguel.



And Doug, Barry, Kirkpatrick,

and myself are very proud...



that you will be taking

that risk with him...



while we monitor

your every move...



right here

from command headquarters.



What, you guys ain't going?



The man's a genius.



All right, Miguel. lt looks

like it's just you and me.






Better drink it.



All of it.



Delta chi. Sigma cum laude.



What's happening?



Oh, my God, Oh, my God.

Here she comes, here she comes.



So, you want something?



Yeah, a tiny sandwich

and a cocktail.



OK. I'll take care

of the gorilla.



The rest is up to you.



-Hey, aren't you Steve Powers?




Don't you drive

a little red Alpha?



Well, I think I saw

some guys breaking into it.




-Yeah, when I was coming up.



Looks like they were cutting

into the convertible.



Oh, shit.



Yeah, about four or five

of the biggest dudes I ever saw.



Hey, guys, somebody's breaking

into my car. Come on, come on.




what are you doing here?




-Are you all right?



I got a letter today--

a really nice one.



Well, that's nice, Michael.



"When I look at you,

I can't take my eyes off you."



What did you say?



I said, "When I look at you,

I can't take my eyes off you...



"and when you look at me,

I have to turn away...



"because I'm afraid you might

see how much you mean to me."



Michael, are you drunk?



"I long to have

your arms around me...



"and feel your body

against mine."



Are you crazy?



"lt makes me want

to be near you.



"You're not like

anybody else at all.



"You're too wonderful for words.



"I know you don't feel

like I do, but I just love--"



What the fuck do you think

you're doing here?



What am I doing here?

Well, who can say, Steve?



Now, that's a question we ask

ourselves every day, isn't it?



I said, what the fuck

do you think you're doing here?



Oh, Michael, there you are. I've

been looking all over for you.



-Did you invite this guy?

-Steve, he's a great dancer.



Here's a good song.

You want to dance?



Nice talking to you, Steve.



Hey, asshole.



No, not you, the other asshole.



One more crack out of you,




and I'm going to butter

your necktie.



Well put, Rog.



Hey, Leon, stop them !

Grab those guys!



Great. There's Roger

and Michael--running.



There's eighty guys

coming this way.




-This is a great party.



-Start the car.

-Open the back.



Start the car!

We're going to fucking die!



Hurry up! Hurry up!



Come on!



Hurry up! Come on, man!



Slow down, Ricardo!



Hold on! We lost Roger!

We lost Rog!






Hold on!



What the hell's he doing?



What the hell are you doing?







Steven, long time no see.



Hold on!



The asshole's

gonna run the fence!



Holy shit!



Oh, shit! Look at that!



All right!



Aw, shit!



Out of my way!

Let me out of here!



Women and children first,

you fuck.






Rog, what are you doing?



Let's get out of here!



You better keep running,

you wimps!



Hey, they left us

some beer, guys!




what are you doing here?



Come on,

you want to do something?



Are you all right?

What happened?



Everything. Come on,

I'll tell you about it.




-Yeah, now.



Shh! Be quiet.

You'll wake my father.



Shh! Be quiet.

You'll wake your father.



I can't believe I said those

things to Deborah Anne Fimple.



I mean, why didn't I just

walk up to her and say...



"Hey, Debbie, I'm an asshole"?



Well, I think she knows.



Fucking Roger. Jesus,

how could I believe that guy?



Telling me

that Deborah Anne Fimple...



wrote me a love letter.

Jesus Christ.



She wrote you a letter?



I bet it was Ricardo.



I'm going to kick his ass.



-What did this letter say?

-Everything I said to Debbie.



lt sounded pretty good to me.



lt wasn't good. lt was great.



lt was the best thing

I ever read.



lt was like

"Tender is the Night"...



or "The Way We Were."



Ricardo's dead meat.



You know, this isn't really

that comfortable.



-Oh, here.

-Oh, thanks.



What a night.



We thrashed Roger's van.



You know,

maybe the letter's real.



Maybe somebody

really is in love with you.



I just wish I knew

why I loved her so much.



I mean, I think about her

all the time.



She's so beautiful.



Everything about her.

She's perfect.



I hate Steve Powers.



She's probably letting him

feel her up right now.




-I'm sorry.



Well, I guess

things could be worse.



I mean, I could be

at the hospital...



having Steve's fist

removed from my larynx.



Thanks for saving me.



lf you're so gaga about Debbie,

why don't you call her up...



tell her to dump Steve

and give you a shot?



Yeah, right. After tonight?



You could always

write her a letter.



I hate writing.

Besides, she'd just tear it up.



Well, not if she didn't know

who it came from.



-What do you mean?

-Well, don't sign it.



Just have somebody else

give it to her.



And this way,

if she doesn't like it...



she'll never even know

who wrote it.



You could give it to her.



Naw. I don't know.



Well, I'll see you.



You're really a good friend.



"Dear Debbie...



"You are so..."









"I long to have

your arms around me...



"and feel your body--"



Whoa, radical!



-Morning, sweetheart.

-Hi, mom.



What are you doing up

so early?



Summer vacation--

got a lot to do.



Like what?



Bunch of guys

are meeting at the park.



Got to try to pick up

some women.



What are you gonna do with them

after you pick them up?



I don't know.

What did Dad use to do with you?



Stuff I hope you won't try

until you're a lot older.



What's that?




-Looks disgusting.



lt's good. Want to try?



I'm gonna fix you

some eggs and toast.



No, Mom, the guys are waiting.

Got to go.




-Mom, I got to go.



Honey! You'll need some money

to buy a decent lunch.



OK, Mom, but a decent lunch

could be pretty expensive.



No tacos.



Gracias, seņora.



Oh, my God.



Morning, dear.






-What's the matter?

-I got something in my eye.



What is that?




-That looks disgusting.



-Want me to fix you something?

-No, thanks, I'm in a hurry.



I'll just catch a doughnut

at the office.



You have class tonight?



Yeah, right.

lt's Thursday. Yeah.



Will you be home right after?



Honey, I'll try.



I just don't know.

I may have to stay after.



I'll get home as soon as I can,

but don't wait up.



You just go to bed,

and I'll slip in quietly.



You lying son of a bitch.

How could you?






You OK? What's the matter?



Oh, it's the mailman.



He said he'd be here at  :  

and he's not here.



Nobody keeps their word anymore.

They're all lying bastards!



Hi, Michael. How you doing?



My mother's in there crying.

I hope you're happy.






Everything's OK, Mom.



I don't think

he's going to be late again.



Thank you, Michael.



-Hello, Elizabeth.

-Hi, George.



Oh, George, could I borrow

your textbook for a second?



Tonight, we're going to cover

the two types of costs...



associated with

manufacturing processes.



That would be "variable"

and "fixed."



There's a chart

in your textbooks on page   ...



that will help illustrate

what I'm talking about.



Everyone have the page?



You'll notice on the graph that

the variable contributions...



to profit on each item

will be such...



that the break-even point

will be obtained...



when "x" number of units

are produced.



Now, that break-even point...



is solely determined

by your costs.



Now, variable costs include

direct material, direct labor...



and overhead applicable

to each individual unit.



Who in the class would like

to define "fixed costs" for us?



No one wants to define

"fixed costs?"



Michael, over here.



Toni, I'm sorry I'm late,




writing this thing

just took forever.



I don't know.

I think it's pretty good.



I don't know.

just give it to her.



What's that?



Oh, that's just the thing

for School Afloat.



You're gonna spend

your senior year on a boat?



I leave on the fifteenth.



I didn't know you were gonna

do this. Why didn't you tell me?



I just did.



-Ready to order?

-Yeah, I am. Michael?



No, no, no, I'm too nervous.

I couldn't eat anything.



You go ahead.



I'll have a meatball sandwich

and another Pepsi.



-Good enough.

-Oh, wait a minute.



I'll have a Pepsi, too.



Pepsi. Anything else?



No, no. Well, uh...



you're having

a meatball sandwich?



Make it a meatball sandwich.



Meatball sandwich.



That's two meatball sandwiches

and two Pepsis. ls that it?



You don't feel like having

any pizza, do you?



Give me a small--



No, no, no, make it a medium.



ln fact, give me a large pizza.



That's two meatball sandwiches,

two Pepsis...



and a large pizza.

Everything on it?



No, no, just cheese.



And olive.



And mushrooms.



And sausage.






Hold the onions.



God, when are you gonna

give this thing to her?



Are you going

to give it to her tonight?



How am I gonna eat

all that food?



Before we go,

I just want to say one thing.



I know all of you work very hard

during the day...



and I'm sure

that you could think...



of some more exciting ways

to spend your evenings...



but remember that the degree

that you earn in here...



can spell more money

for you out there.



No sacrifice, no reward.



That's it. Thank you.



I think we better talk.



I'll help you any way I can,




What are you

having trouble with?



I just--Elizabeth, my God.

I mean, sooner or later...



you have to ask yourself

if it's worth it.



Yes, George, it is.



You've got guts.



George, it's not that hard.



You just have to be willing

to spend the time.



I know, I know, but I'm married.



I am, too, but I'm really

taking the time...



and it's well worth it.



There's this great sense

of accomplishment.



Wait. You've been

through this before?




I've been doing this for years.




are you worried about Connie?



You have the most

understanding wife in the world.



You just have to give her

a little time.



You know, I had that problem

with Lou in the beginning.



At first,

they're a little threatened...



but that's only natural,

and then they get used to it.



And after a couple of years,



they get behind it

a hundred percent...



once they realize

what a really good thing it is.



My God.



Where have I been?



We've known each other

a long time.



Don't back out now, George.



You're absolutely right, Liz.



We have known each other

a long time...



and I can't deny that I haven't

felt like this, too...



but I never thought that you,




I'm--I'm sorry.



I'll call you next week.



This is good.

I think this is good.



I think you're right.

Thank you.



I know it's a long shot...



but if this letter thing

does work out...



and I do get

to go out with Debbie...



how do you think

I should handle it?



Handle what?



Come on, Ton, she's going out

with Steve Powers.



That dude's twenty years old.



She's gonna expect something.



Michael, are you saying

that you don't know what to do?



No, no, no, no.

I know what to do.



I just don't want

to do too much.



Then again,

I don't want to do too little.



I want to do

what she expects me to do.



I think that you have to let

these things happen naturally.



Well, Toni,

I'm not a natural guy.



That's true.

Michael, I don't know.



I think if it's meant

to happen...



between two people,

it'll happen.



You can't push it.






Toni, look,

can I tell you something?



But you got to promise

not to tell anybody. Anybody.



I promise.



Well, if you have to get

absolutely technical...



I've never really done it.



Oh, come on.



What about you

and Carol Lombardo?



What about me

and Carol Lombardo?



The field trip. She spent

the night in your tent...



told everybody

you guys went all the way.



Yeah, well, Carol Lombardo's

idea of going all the way...



is talking about it

all night long...



then falling asleep

before the big bang.



You never did it?







Carol Lombardo really bragged

about that night.



I know I'll never forget it.



I've never done it, either.



Oh, get out of here, Toni.



Roger's my best friend.

He tells me everything.



I went out with Roger

exactly two times.



Well, according to Roger...



it wasn't the quantity of time

you spent together.



lt was the quality of time

you spent together.



Apparently, it was

pretty high-grade stuff.



What exactly did he say?



Come on, Toni,

that's between you and Rog.



lt's none of my business.



-What did he say?

-Toni, don't.



He just said

you guys were kissing and stuff.



His exact words, Michael.



He said that you boffed

his brains out in his van.



Thank you. Come again.

Have a nice night.



Hey, thanks, zitface!



Zitface. They called

our friend zitface.



Oh, God, they're so unkind.



Come on, you guys.

Would you quit screwing around?



I'm trying to work here.



I have to pay for my van,

which Duran Duran here thrashed.



Welcome to the Dancing Burger.



Can I take your order, please?



Roger, is that you?



Yeah. Who's this?



I hear

you're quite a ladies' man.



Ladies' man? Zitface?



Yeah, well, you heard right.



Why don't you cruise up

to the window...



so's we can take

a better look at you?



Well, I'll come up just as soon

as you tell me one thing.



Did you tell your friends...



I boffed your brains out

in your van?



I thought so.



This is so cool.



Toni, not my van!



Come on, Toni!

You're gonna regret this!



I just got it fixed

the other--no, Toni!



Please don't do this to me!



Oh, no, no!

You're gonna regret it!



Toni, I'm gonna kill you!




Roger, come back here!



Toni, don't do that to me!



You got work to do.



-No, Toni!

-Get in here!



Oh, there's my dinner!



Boy, is she pissed.



The exact phrase

I was searching for.



Go, baby!






You're one gutsy virgin.



lt's none of your business.



"My dearest darling...



"I love you

more than yesterday...



"and more than all

of yesterday's tomorrows."



"Nothing is as dear to me

as are you"?



Oh, Michael, this is dog-doo.



"Love is the flower of time...



"and every petal that falls...



"is an eternal moment

without you"?



Jesus, what'd you do,

go to a greeting-card store?



"I have finally found

the courage...



"to write you a letter."



"You may never know...



"who I am...



"but that hasn't stopped you...



"from giving me...



"the greatest gift...



"I've ever known."






"lf for just one brief moment...



"I could feel your lips

against mine..."



"I would die a happy man."



I'm in love. I think this

is the most beautiful letter...



I've ever read

in my entire life.



lt's even better than the one

I got from Jimmy Wyatt.



He was so in love with me.



But this, this is so...

You got to tell me who wrote it.



I can't.



-Toni, you're my best friend.

-I am?



Well, close enough.



Goddamn it,

tell me who wrote it.



Debbie, I promised. I'm sorry.



I hate you.



-Anybody home?

-ln here, Mom !



Hi, Toni. How are you?



-Fine, Mrs. Fimple. How are you?

-Good. Hi, sweetheart.



Where's your father?



He pulled a night shift.



The one night I don't teach.

I can't stand it.



Who wrote the fucking letter?



I think it's time for me to go.



Toni, how can you

stand in the way?



I could very possibly...



be extremely in love

with this person.



I mean,

he's obviously in love with me.



-Well, what about Steve?

-Well, what about Steve?



Well, Debbie, I heard that

you were boffing his brains out.



What? Who told you that?



Do you know Roger?



Works at the Dancing Burger,

drives a beat-up van?



Oh, that little shit.



Well, anyway,

you're going out with Steve.



I thought

that was pretty serious.



How can anyone be serious about

a stupid jock like--Steve!



-Hi, Steve.




-Bye, Deb.

-Hi, babe.



Hi, Steve.



That's my name, honey,

don't wear it out.



Hey, how about a kiss

for old Stevie, huh?



Come and get it.



ls your old man home?



Take your hands

off my daughter, fruitlips.



Hi, Mr., uh, Lt. Fimple.



How are you, sir?



OK, Jocko.

What about yourself?



Holy shit.

You're getting pretty big.



What you curling these days

besides your hair, handjob?







three sets of ten, sir.



-What's two and two?




Just kidding, Steverino.



-One more thing, loverboy.

-Oh, God.



You get her pregnant,

I'll blow your dick off.






I want to die.



-She really liked it, huh?

-Yes, Michael.



She really liked it.



Did she say,

"I really like it"?



Michael, she loved it, OK?



She loved it. Whoa.



I think I ought to write her

another one. What do you think?



You think I ought to write her

another one?






Please, Toni,

you got to tell me who this is.



All right.

You want to meet him tonight?




-Hi, it's me.



Do you want to meet her tonight?




You mean, "tonight" tonight?






Yeah, sure, OK.

Does she know who I am?



No. That's why

she wants to meet you.



-I'm ready. What time?

- :  ? McCambridge park?



OK, thanks a lot, Toni.

Thank you so much...



and what do you think

I should wear?



A paper bag over your head.



He's all yours.



Oh, God!

Thank you so much, Toni.



You're really my best friend.



What do you think

I should wear?



Something demure.



Oh, Christian Demure.

I got tons of her stuff.



How are you?



Look, Michael,

I'm waiting for someone, OK?



-So if you don't mind...

-Yeah, well, it's me.



-What's you?

-I'm the one you're waiting for.




I'm really not in the mood, OK?



I wrote the letters.



The ones Toni gave you.

I wrote 'em.






Holy shit.



Last week when you kissed me...



-I never thought that--

-Neither did I.



But that letter, George...



I know, I know.

lt was so filled with emotion.



-Oh, yes, it was.

-Well, maybe we should--



I don't know. Do you want to?



Maybe we should just...



have a cup of coffee.



Coffee, that's good.



That's very good.



A cup of coffee,

that's very good.




Let me carry those books.



Oh. Thank you.



I don't drink coffee.



Neither do I.



-Are you hungry?

-Well, I am, yes.



Oh, thank you, George.






George Ryan.



Lousy scumbag.



Do you believe this?



No, I can't believe it.



Well, I can't stand it.



Oh, God, she's touching him !



I'm gonna kill myself.



They're waitin'

on a burger here.



How did he get

Deborah Anne Fimple?



I don't know, but if Michael

can get a date with her...



I guess it's pretty obvious

who's gonna be next in line.



Yeah, right.



Oh, God.



I mean, I have never read

anything like those letters.



I just fell in love with them.



Your feelings

are so amazingly beautiful.



And to be able to put them...



and write them down

on paper like that...



I think you're a poet.



What did you mean

when you said...



I'd given you the greatest gift

you'd ever known?






naturally, I was referring

to the whole giving concept.



You know, the concept of giving.



That's a wonderful concept.



God, Michael.



I just--well, you know.



And this is like...



I mean...



what if you had never

written those letters?



I would be out with Steve




Miguel, compadre, how you doin'?



Do you get the chili burger...



or does this one belong

to the lovely lady?



That goes to the lady, Rog.

Thank you.



Put it down, Roger.



Debbie, you probably

don't remember me...



but I was in your biology class

last year.



My name's Roger,

Roger Despard, Jr.



I sat in the back.



You remember me?




do you drive a beat-up van?



That's me!



Put this in your big mouth,

you lying little shit!



Nice goin', G.I. Joe.



People just shouldn't

shoot their mouths off...



about things they know

absolutely nothing about.



-What'd he say?

-lt's not important.



He said I boffed

Steve Powers' brains out.



He did?



-Yeah. Toni said he did.

-Toni said he did?



What's wrong?



People just shouldn't

shoot their mouths off...



about things

they don't know anything about.




are you taking me to Kough Park?






I hate you, Michael.



I love you, Michael.



You know, I haven't been

up here since     .



Yeah. lt hasn't changed much.



No, except now they know

about birth control.



Let's hope so.



Are you ever sorry

you didn't marry Ed?



Everybody thought

you two would get married...



right after high school.



No. Not after I met Lou.



Lou was it for me.



Yeah. That's pretty much

the same for me and Connie.



I like Connie.

I like her very much.



Yeah, she's great.

She really is. And I like Lou.



The thing about Lou...



I mean,

he's just not your average...



I like Lou.



Lou likes you, too.



I'll kill 'em.



Turn on your lights, asshole!



What the hell are you doing?

Hey, ass--



-Oh. Hiya, Steve.

-Have you seen Debbie?



-Have you seen Debbie, Lynn?




Hey, what--hey!



David, come back in here!



Steve! Steve, I have been

looking all over for you.



-Out of my way, Toni.

-What are you doing?



-She's out with another guy.

-Oh, hi, Steve.



I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna

kick the shit out of him.



Steve, forget Debbie.



There's lots of other girls

out there...



who would treat you a lot better

than Debbie does.



-Yeah? Like who?

-Like me.



Can't you, uh...



can't you feel

my heart pounding?



Yeah. You got

a pretty big heart there.



You, uh...

you wanna go somewhere?



Yeah, sure. Why not?



My car's right over there.



Let's go.



You know something, Ton?



I have always liked you.



All the classes

were over an hour ago.



Oh, I think my husband

just got home.



Thank you very much.




-Connie, we have to talk...



but first you gotta promise me

you're gonna be strong.



We both have to be strong.



lt's about George.






We shouldn't be here.



George, we shouldn't be here.



We're happily married.



You're right.



Please don't stare at me

like that.



I can't help it,

I can't help it.



You're so beautiful.



I've wanted you

ever since I first saw you...



in your drill-team uniform.



George, why didn't you

do anything about it then?






Because I was a chickenshit.



-Oh, my God!

-I knew it. What?



-Oh, my God!

-What--I'm sorry.



My daughter is in the next car.



Oh, my God. Oh, God, oh, God.

So is my son.



-George, George.




We have to get out of here

right now.



-OK, let's go.

-Do you think they saw us?



I don't know.



-Hurry, George.

-Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!



George, George, George, hurry.



Oh, Lou, I can't believe this.



lt's OK, baby. We're gonna

put a stop to this right now.



Shit! We missed them.



They were right here

in this spot! Damn it!



You OK, Con?



Oh, Louis,

what are we gonna do?



I don't know, baby. I...



don't know.



You know, I haven't been

up here since     .



Hasn't changed much.



After you.






this is where you live, huh?



Usually you gotta be a junior

to have a room like this.



Hey, you want a beer?



Oh, no, thanks.



You got some kind

of birth control with you...



or do you want me

to wear a rubber?



Steve, is there

a bathroom around here?



I've got something with me.



Yeah, right there.



Yeah, Steve, wear a rubber--

wear it over your face.



Oh, shit.



Can you hear me in there, Toni?



I think you better

wait a minute.



Look, Toni, I don't think

this is gonna work.



I mean, I like you, I think

you're a very nice person...



but, I mean,

it just doesn't feel right.



I mean, I'm in love with Debbie.



And I wish I wasn't, but I am.



I mean, hell,

I got feelings, too.



But I just don't think

that you and I should...



you know, I just don't think

that you and I should, uh...



I mean,

I just don't think we should.



Unless, of course, you really

had your heart set on it...



because, you know,

I can understand that, too, Ton.



How could they do this to us?



You'd be surprised

what people can do, Connie.



I see it every day.



Sometimes I find myself

saying to myself...



"Lou, how can people do

the things they do?"



I guess they're just--



they're--they're just

plain weak, Connie.



I sure never thought Liz was.



I mean, twenty years,

and I never cheated on her once.



I never even looked

at another man.



First, I wanted to kill 'em--

my wife and my friend.



My husband and my friend.



What the hell we gonna do,




Fuck 'em.



Oh, God, yes!



Oh, Liz hardly ever does that




My son's in the next car!



Holy shit!

He's with my daughter!



Oh, my God, Lou,

what are you doing?



Get back in here.

Want them to see us?



Get in here! Get down!



We gotta get out of here.



I don't mean to be a tease...



but this is the first time

we've been together...



and I don't think

it's right this soon.




Right, it's too soon.



-Would you hand me my bra?

-Yeah, sure.



Oh, thank God.



He's not here.



Son of a bitch.



Thanks, Lou.



Holy shit!



You rotten, low-life,

son of a bitch!



Oh, my God.



You know,

I have never gone out...



with a guy

in my own grade before.



Yeah, neither have I.



How old are you?



Seventy-one, seventy-two.



You know, I can't remember.

I'm getting so old.



You're sixteen, aren't you?



Well, if you wanna get

absolutely technical...



Oh, God! I'm a cradle robber.



Well, come on. I'm gonna be   

a week from Saturday.



Really? A week from Saturday?




That's a very big day for me.



From then on out,

it's adios, diapers.



Bonjour, rubber pants.



Oh, shit. There's daddy.



Call me tomorrow?






-I had a great time.







Lyin' bastard, son of a bitch.



That scumbag piece of shit.



Good evening, Mr. Fimple.



Fuck you.



Hi, Ton. lt's Debbie.

You gotta help me.



lt's Michael's birthday




and I wanna give him a party.



Your parents are still

out of town, aren't they?



Well, I was wondering if

we could have it at your house.



lt won't be a big one, and

I will take care of everything.



-I promise you.




Oh, Toni, please?



You know I can't have it here.

You know how my dad is.



Plus they're having

bridge club that night.



Debbie, I can't.

I promised my parents.



Oh, please, Toni?

Please, please, please?



You won't even have

to give him a present.



Your house will be the present.



He's taking me out tonight, and

I want to be able to tell him.



Oh, you gotta say yes.

I'm in love.



Oh, please?



Oh, all right.



Thanks, Ton.



You look great.



I hope so.



I cannot believe how much money

I spent shopping today.



I saw this great movie

last night.



I must've gone to every single

store in the city.



I must've walked

at least ten miles.



And then I found

the most darling boutique...



you've ever seen in your life.



Actually, that's where

I got these gloves.



But they had

the most darling accessories...



and jewelry you would die for.



These earrings I saw

came down to about here...



with rhinestones and pearls.

I should've gotten them.



I think I'll go back for them.

But then I went to I. Magnin's.



I mean, they have

absolutely everything...



and I bought the greatest dress.

God, it is so beautiful.



lt's got all this taffeta

with little pleats.



Comes down to right about here.

The shoes were the killer.



Took me forever to find a pair

that would go with it.



I went to Capezio's,

Jourdan's, Bullocks...



and then I finally found these

at Henshaws...



and they go with everything,

just about.



Those are great.

And I love that top.



Oh, this old thing?

I got this weeks ago.



Boy, was that a day.




Must've walked

fifteen miles that day.



There's a lot more

to shopping...



than just going out

and buying stuff.



I mean, not only do you have

to know where to go...



but you have to know when to go.



Day after Christmas is

the best day of the whole year.



And that's when you get

all the best deals.



You can get a whole new wardrobe

for half price.



Last year, I--who is it?



Now, take Toni, for instance.



I like Toni a lot.

Don't get me wrong.



She does not know

the first thing about clothes.



I mean, she could be

so much more attractive...



if she just paid a little more

attention to what she wore.



Boy, I am so hungry.



I must've walked

twenty miles today.



Well, they say food is

a substitute for a lack of sex.



Did you see "Doctor Zhivago"

last night?



Yeah! That was the movie I saw.



I loved the part

where Rod Steiger--



lt was the best ever.



I mean, Julie Christie's

clothes are un--



Fuck! Shit! Goddamn it!



Fucking shit!

These are my brand-new pants...



and I cannot fucking believe

I did this!



Fucking shit!



I have to go to the bathroom.

Would you get me some club soda?



Excuse me! Fucking shit!



Damn it!



Can I have some club soda,




-Anything else?




What'd you do to Debbie?



She spilled something

on her pants.




-No kidding.



Fifty cents.



Aw, that little shit!



Toni, can I borrow

some money, please?






Thanks. I'll pay you back.

I promise.



Forget it.



I'll see you Saturday.



Hi. Excuse me.

Could you do me a favor?



Did you see a girl go in there

with a stain on her pants?




the Goddamned club soda?



I'm sorry, Michael.



I guess

I wasn't much fun tonight.



No, it's OK.

I had a lot of fun.



I'll make it up to you

on your birthday.



I promise.



You're probably

asking yourself right now...



why your younger

and much smaller brother...



is apparently

borrowing money from you.



You little shit!



But, Mike!

Mike, don't do it!



-Mike! Mom !

-Give me the money.



Here. Take it.

What are you gonna do?



Not in mom's rosebushes!




-Hello, Liz.



lt's--it's George.

Can you talk?



I can talk.



Oh, God, your voice sounds

so beautiful over the phone.



I've been thinking about you

all week, too.



Well, me, too, George.



But, I just--look, Liz...



I just don't know

how it's gonna work.



I mean, I just don't know

how it's gonna work.



lt can't. lt can't.

I like Connie too much.



God, and I like Lou.



And we're just not

these kind of people, George.



Oh, God. I know. Jesus.

Sometimes I wish we were.



I know. I know.






So that's it then.



We're doing the right thing,




Yeah, yeah.

I know. I know we are.



Well, then I'll...



I'll see you around sometime.



I'll see you Saturday.



Goddamn! OK, Liz, if you're

willing to take a chance...



so am I. Goddamn it!



I'll meet you Saturday

any place, any time.



No, George!

lt's bridge club Saturday.



You and Connie

are coming to our house.



Holy shit.



Bridge--bridge club?



lt's OK. lt's OK, George.

We didn't do anything.






Saturday. See you then.



Lieutenant Fimple, vice.



I can't go through with it, Lou.



Neither can I, Con.



We're just not like them.

I've given it a lot of thought.



Something inside me

keeps saying...



"Hey, Fimple, what the hell

you think you're doing?



"You got a wife and kid.

You're a detective.



"lsn't that supposed

to mean something?"



Sure it does,

but that doesn't mean...



I don't think you're

an attractive woman, Connie.



You are.

A damn attractive woman.



lf this thing inside me weren't

saying what it was saying...



I'd be saying

something else right now.



Lou, shut up. I'm talking

about Saturday night.



OK, fuck 'em. They're doing it

to us, we'll do it to them.



Saturday's fine by me.

Where do you wanna meet?



Lou, I'm talking

about bridge club!



Bridge club is Saturday night!

We're having it at your house!



You and me, him and her,

all together...



at the same house

at the same time!



Bridge club. Right.

That'd be the perfect time...



to blow this whole thing

wide open.



Having a good time?



Yeah, it's great.



You can't imagine

how much work it is...



putting one of these things




I really appreciate it.



You know, Toni,

this whole thing's kinda weird.



You know,

Debbie and Michael going out.



She's always going out

with these guys from college.



Now she's throwing him

this big party...



and, you know, for a present,

I heard she's gonna...



Oh, boy.



She's gonna what?



What's she gonna give Michael?



Look, if I tell you, you gotta

promise not to tell anybody.



Oh, I don't care. Forget it.



All right,

I'll go ahead and tell you.



Later tonight, she's gonna...



Well, they're gonna do it.



She's gonna go all the way

with him. Some present, huh?




Wish it was my birthday.



All right!



Make a wish.



All right!



Speech! Speech!



Speech for Michael.



Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.



I'd just like to thank

Mr. Quincy Jones.



That is what I call having

your cake and eating it, too.



Ha! We win, you lose.



OK, winners move up,

losers move down.



Well, here we all are.



Uh, at the winner's table.



I guess we're all doing

pretty well tonight.



Yeah, I guess so.



Elizabeth, you've really

outdone yourself on the affairs.



On the hors d'oeuvres!



You lying piece of shit!



What'd I say? Wait a minute!

I said hors d'oeuvres!



-You said affairs!

-Lou, for God's sake!



I meant hors d'oeuvres!



Oh, yeah?

lt isn't what you said!



I don't know what I said!

I was being polite!




I'll show you polite!



All right! Break it up!



Stop it, Lou!



Can you imagine

what they are doing right now?






Now, Michael.







-What's the matter?






Move down a bit.



-Debbie, what's wrong?

-lt hurts.



-What do you want me to do?

-Do it right.



I thought I was.



Here. Try again.



-This isn't gonna work.

-Yes, it is.



-Try it again.

-I don't want to.



What are our friends gonna think

if we don't do it?



I don't give a shit

what they think.



Well, I do. I told

a lot of people about this.




when you get down there...



you act like it was the best

experience you've ever had.



I don't want anyone

to know about this...ever.



-Hey, guys, look who's back.

-Whoa. Wait a sec.



Thank you all for making

Michael's birthday...



such a fabulous success.



No problem.



Thanks, Toni.



Don't tell me what we did!



I know what we did,

and we didn't do anything!



Don't tell me what

you didn't do because I know!



Oh, I suppose you were there?



As a matter of fact, I was!



What are you talking about?

What do you mean you were there?



Since when did you start

spying on people?



Since always!

lt's my job! I'm a cop!



-No, I don't wanna hear it!

-But I didn't--



I don't wanna talk about it!



That is a great idea, because

there's nothing to talk about!



That's right! There's nothing

more to talk about!



-I want a divorce!

-What? Damn you.



You're out of control now.

You've lost your mind.



I can't believe you're doing

this to me. After    years--



Goddamn it!

I didn't do anything to you!



How many times

do I have to say that?



Until you find somebody

dumb enough to believe it!



Damn it, I'm telling you

the truth. Nothing happened.



Oh, nothing.



"When I look at you,

I can't take my eyes off you."



I don't call that nothing.



"I long to have your arms

around me and feel your body."




I didn't write that letter.



Jesus christ, Mom ! What are you

doing with my letter?



I can't believe this!



Doesn't anybody have any privacy

around here anymore?



Your letter?



I got it on the last day

of school. ls that OKwith you?



Can you stay out of my stuff?



I can't believe this!



You can't even trust

your own parents anymore.



I'm gonna get a guard dog

and a bazooka.



This is just wonderful.

Perfect ending to a perfect day.



You know, some people

still believe in love!



Some people

still believe in marriage!



And some people

still believe in trust!



Ha! That's a laugh!



How could you say that

after what you've done?



I'll never trust you again!



What are you talking about?



Nothing happened!

Will you listen to me?



This is what I'm talking about!



"lf for just one brief moment...



"I could feel your lips

against mine...



"I would die a happy man."



You call this nothing?



Daddy, that's my letter!

How could you?



Your letter?



Michael wrote this letter to me!

How could you read it?



I will never forgive you

for this. Never!



Aw, honey.



What are you doing here?



Are you busy?



The party's over, Michael.



Well, can I come in for a while?



Why? What's wrong?



Debbie and I.



I don't know.

I think I made a big mistake.



Well, you know, as fascinating

as that subject is to me...



it's late,

and I want to go to bed.



Wait a minute. Wait a minute.



What are you so upset about?



Oh, nothing much.



See, I gave this party

tonight for a friend...



only there was this

big highlight to the evening...



and I didn't know what it was.



But what it turns out to be

is a couple of friends...



screwing in my parents' bedroom !



Well, the next time you're

gonna do something like this...



do you mind telling me first?

I don't like being used!



Toni, I didn't know

that was gonna happen.



-Well, everybody else did.

-Well, not much happened.



Yeah. Not much.



Nothing happened, OK?

Nothing happened.



Well, then what were you

doing up there?



Look, it didn't happen!



I'm not supposed

to tell anybody this...



because she wants

everybody to think...



that we had

this wonderful experience.



But that's not even

what I came here for.



Well, am I supposed to guess?



Would you go out with me







I think we ought to go

on a real date.



You and me, together.



What the hell happened

to Debbie?



I don't know what the hell

happened to Debbie!



I don't know.



lt just wasn't what I thought

it was supposed to be.



I expected her to be like...






You know, when we have

a good time together.



That's what I expected,

but it wasn't like that.



All right, so she's the most

beautiful girl in school.



For all I know, she's the most

beautiful girl in the world.



But you can only look

for so long.



'Cause when you start




man, all the lights are on,

but nobody's home.



Toni, you and I have been

friends for a long time.



And I like being with you

more than with anybody else.



You probably don't even

feel like that towards me.



Look, maybe we're

overlooking something here.



Maybe we should go

on a real date.



Just to see, you know?



What do you think?



I think you just won

the asshole-of-the-year award.



Over on this side.



I just wanna know one thing,




Where's the man

who wrote these letters?



Debbie, I'm sorry,

but I gotta be honest with you.



I just, uh--



Whose are these?



Oh, that's cruel, Michael.

That's really cruel.



Where'd you get these?



From the man

who I thought I loved.



I didn't write these.



These aren't the letters

I wrote to you.



You're such an asshole!



When Steve

gets a hold of you...



I would hate to be

in your shoes.



Hello, is Toni there?

This is Michael.



Oh, hi, Michael. Toni's outside

helping her dad load the car.



I have to talk to her.



I'm sorry, Michael, but we're

leaving in about two minutes.



You're leaving?

You mean, Toni's leaving?



She's going

on the School Afloat.



But wait a minute.

I need to talk to her.



-I need to see her.

-Her boat leaves in an hour.



She'll be gone for a year.



You'll have to write her

a letter.



I'm sorry. They're honking

for me, honey. Gotta run.



Oh, Toni, Michael just called

to say good-bye.






Don't leave! Wait, Toni!



Toni, wait!



Wait a minute!






Hey, come on. Hey, hey.



Hey, wait a minute!

Give me a ride.



Come on,

somebody give me a ride.



Hey, give me a ride!



Come on.



Oh, God, am I glad to see you.



Listen, you gotta get me

to the harbor right away.



I've been looking for you, Mike.

I'm gonna kick your ass.



No, wait a minute.

Steve, you don't understand.



You can kick my ass later.

I promise.



Debbie told me everything,

you little prick.



You broke my nose!



Steve, I'm sorry.



You son of a bitch,

you broke my nose!



Jesus. Are you all right?



I don't know.



You got to see a doctor.

Shit! I gotta borrow your car.



Hey! Wait a minute!



Hey, where are you going?



Hey, what about my nose?



Excuse me!



Sir, excuse me. Could you

tell me where School Afloat is?



School Afloat?



Go right down this road

four or five lights...



and you turn left,

and you go up, uh...



Where was it you said

you wanted to go?



Excuse me, sir! Could you

tell me where School Afloat is?



Don't forget to write, honey.



Toni, wait! Hey!












I know you wrote the letters!



Michael, what?



The letters!

I know you wrote 'em !



Don't leave me! I love you!






I love you!



Do you love me?



What difference does it make?



But do you love me?



Yes! Does that make you

feel any better?


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