Secret Lives Of Dentists Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Secret Lives Of Dentists script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Campbell Scott, Denis Leary, Hope Davis, etc.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Secret Lives Of Dentists. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Secret Lives Of Dentists Script


             Teeth outlast everything.

             Death is nothing to a tooth.

             Hundreds of years in acidic soil  just keep teeth clean.

             A fire that burns away  everything else, hair and skin...

             ... even bones,  leaves your teeth dazzling.


             Life is what destroys teeth.

             Undiluted apple juice  in baby bottles, sour balls.

             The pH balance of drinking water,  tetracycline...

             ... sand in your bread...

             ... if you were in the Roman army.

             Teeth are important.

             Eskimo cultures abandoned  their old folks in the snow...

             ... when their teeth went, no matter  how good their health was otherwise.

             In my experience...

             ... dentists are convinced patients  can't be trusted with their teeth.

            Turn to me, please.

             You can't grieve  for every tooth, though...

             ... every mouth.

             You can't even grieve  for the worst of them.

             You can only send the patient home  with as many teeth as possible.

            Beside your present cavities, you've got some poorly filled teeth here.

            And one of your wisdom teeth seems to have migrated.

            You know, no dentist I have ever known...

            ...has ever had anything good to say about another dentist's work.

            You notice that?

            Well, I'm married to one and we're big admirers of each other.

            - One of your wisdom teeth... - You better be cheap.

            - Why is that? - Because five years from now...

            ...some other guy's gonna tell me he's got to redo all of your work.

            Just watch.

            - Open. - They get more fucked up every day.

            I'm a trumpet player, so don't mess with my front teeth.

            That could screw up my embouchure.

            Okay. Open.

            I'm not so sure that I wanna open.

            Maybe I wanna save my money for something more valuable.

            We ask patients to pay for appointments they don't keep.

            - Lf you're uneasy about discomfort... - No, no, no. I don't care if it pinches.

            I don't care if it hurts like hell. My wife made this appointment for me.

            I lost my job and she kicked me out of the house.

            - Hi. - She gave me some little card...

            ...that told me to be here. - How you doing?

            I can't believe she still cares if I go to the dentist.

            We certainly don't care, do we, doctor?

            - Open up. - Are you married to him?

            - No. No, I'm single. - Oh, really?


            I'm waiting for a man who takes really good care of his teeth...

            ...which I can tell you don't.

            Open, please.

            - Lower right, Laura. - Lower right.

            Close, please.


            Open, please.

            Turn to me.


            Little wider, please. Little wider.


            This won't pinch, I assure you.

            Now, nothing hot to drink, Mr. Slater, at least for an hour or two.

            No biting down, no chewing. Okay?

            - Good. - You're a free man.

            That wasn't so bad, was it?

            Nice. Very special.

            - Have you ever been to an opera? - No.

            It is so beautiful, you know?

            - I never paid attention to it, but... - Need me to pick anything up?

            I've got it taken care of.

            - I'm on my new favorite theme. - Yes. Rehearsal tonight?

            - I'll cook, though. - You sure?

            - Okay, sorry to interrupt. Hi, Larry. - Hi, Dave.

            - Bye. - Bye, Dave.

            It's just like...

            ...all the things you can't really say in life...

            ...but lifted. And so, kind of, purified by the music.

            Rinse, please.

            - That's it, Larry. - There's a lot of blood.

            - Both of you... Both of you stop. - You're kicking me.

            - Yeah, I know. - Stop kicking.

            - Stop it. - You don't want this, right?

            - Dad? - Stephanie?

            - She watches you, so don't do it. - I wasn't.

            - There, you see? - I wasn't kicking, I'm stretching.

            Well, don't stretch.

            Mom, jeez.

            - It's so sad. - I'll say.

            - Don't encourage her, please. - I'm sorry.

             - You girls are gonna be hooked. - Sprouts.

              The music is so inspiring.

              The Hebrew virgins are begging God, see?

              And they're saying...

              - Take sprouts. - I don't want any.

              Try one, you might be surprised. You might like it.

              It sounds very beautiful in Italian.

              Oh, and this is my favorite part.

              I don't understand why people don't like Brussels sprouts.

              Stop it. She's still kicking me, Dad.

              Leah, stop.

              Stephanie, you taught her that.

              You have a responsibility to be a role model for her.

               The fire quickly spread  to three alarms...

               ... in a building    stories high  with more than     apartments.

               It took more than     firefighters  an hour and a half...

               ... to get the blaze under control.

               Most residents who were injured  suffered from smoke inhalation.

              "All    firefighters"...


              Long rehearsal, huh?

              - Good night. - Good night.

              Love you.

              Remember when a year seemed like a long time?

              Yes, I sure do.


              Daddy! Daddy!

              - Hello, you. - No, I want Daddy!


              She wants you.



              She's a good eater, isn't she?

              You know when you let bathwater out and there's a lot of gray stuff in it?

              - Yeah. - That's your skin.

              - It's true. That is your skin. - It is? Skin?

              Is that what you're studying?


              - I gotta get dressed. - Come here, sweetie.

              Mommy will feed you. There you go.

              - No! - Hey!

              Don't hit.

              - It's all right. - No, it's not.

              Hey, you have to learn to be more careful. Look at me.

              - Look at me, you. - She just loves you, that's all.

              - It won't last. - No hitting.


              - Daddy! - She'll stop soon, I promise, Carol.

              - Don't you worry. - I promise you, she'll be fine.

              - Daddy! - I'm gonna call you at intermission.

              - You don't have to. - Daddy!

              - Have a great performance. - Okay.

              - Did not! - Did too!

              You lied to that poor girl.

              - Did not. - Yes, you did.

              - No, I didn't. - All right. In.

              - Yes, you did. - I didn't.

              Now, Nabucco is the one with the crown and the big stick, okay?

              He's the king, but he's also the reason...

              ...why everyone is so unhappy.

              And you'll see me with all of the other slaves...

              ...down by the River Babylon, which is down left...

              ...which really means to your right.

              And we're all singing to God for mercy...

              ...and redemption, about how we're in chains.

              And we're all weeping in this big temple.

              - Here. - What is this, your rabbit's foot?

              - It's good luck. - That's great.

              Oh, honey, that is so beautiful.

              - Thank you. - Oh, my God.

              What, honey?


              - Hi. - You look great, Dana.

              - Hang on. - She forgot her rabbit's foot.

              - Her what? - Her rabbit's foot. I gave it to her.

              Well, honey, all right. I'll take it to her.

              Stay here.

              She needs good luck.

              Excuse me.


              Sorry. Did you give it to her?

              - Dad, did you give it to her? - Yes.

              Okay, here we go.

              How do you play in a penguin suit like that?

              Look at all these guys. They're all dressed up.

              Hey, that's my dentist.

              - Guy over there? - I'll catch you later.


              - Hey, look, there's Mom's name. - Really?

              - Yeah. See? - Oh, yeah.

              "Dana Hurst, as one of the virgins."

              Hey! Hey, doc.


              Hey, doc.


              - Hey, how are you? - Hello.

              - Hi, Mr...? - The filling you gave me fell out.

              - What? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

              I was practicing, it fell out and I almost choked.


              I don't...

              It's my dentist.

              Okay, well, come back in, we can replace it, okay?

              Why don't you just replace my fucking money?

              Okay, call my... However you wanna handle it.

              - Call my secretary. - I don't feel like it.

              Here it is. How about that? Fell right out.

              World's greatest dentist, if you wanna get your teeth worked on.

              - Thank you. - It's a nice filling.

              Call my secretary and we can... Thanks.

              - What? - Thank you.


              - She's so beautiful. - I know, she is.

              - This was so cool. - Yeah.

              - She's so beautiful. - You can yell "bravo" if you want.


              - There she is. - Mom!

              - Hi. - It was great.

              - Yeah, you were really good. - Did you like it?

              - Yes. - Here. Pretend you had this all along.

              Hey, it was my lucky rabbit's foot. That's what it was.

              Just a second. I know. I know.

              - Say good night to Mommy. - I don't want to!

              - Mommy, we came to say good night. - No! No!

              - You can sleep in the nursery. - I don't want to.

              We wanna sleep with you, don't we?

              Hey! Hey. Now, stop it. I mean it.

              - It's just a phase. - I don't care. There's no hitting.

              Come on, let's just go.

              - Hey, let's lie down with Mommy. - Come to Mommy, honey. Come here.

              - Let Mommy hold you. - I want my crib in my room!

              - Quiet! - I can't sleep!

              Can't sleep!



              What time is it? You look scary.

              I just can't believe it's over, you know?

              It's so beautiful.

              I could sing it every night forever.

              Well, you'll sing other things.

              I don't wanna sing other things.



              I saw that Slater guy last night. His filling fell out.


              He's the one I told you about.

              Impacted upper and lower.

              One of them halfway up to his eyeball.

              Won't have them out till they hurt.

              Needs to see a periodontist. Anyway, if you get him, don't charge him.


              It's a waltz.

              That's what's so tragic.

              I mean, you could dance to it, but...

              But you can't.

              Look up, kiddo.

              - Let's go take a shower. - Daddy!

              - Daddy! - She needs a bath.

              I'll take care of it. You wake up.

              - Daddy! - Yes?

              - Dave! - Dave is coming.

              Megan has her own bathroom, and her big sister...

              You're making wind? I hope not.

              I'm going to the store for juice and a paper. Anybody wanna come?

              - No, thanks. - Okay.

              Back in a flash.

              - Bye. - Bye.

              You look pretty, Mom.

              Want anything special?

              - Morning, Dad. - Morning, guys.

              - Pancakes then cereal. - You want oatmeal with that?

              - No. - What do you think?

              - Milk in the cereal. - Zip!

              That's what Mommy says.

              That's got to stop, young lady.

              - Hello, remember us? - Hi.

              - Look what's on. Let's check it out. - No! No!

              Don't you wanna watch TV with Lizzie and Steph? Sure you do.

              - Come on, you guys. - Yeah, we're trying to watch TV here.

              All right, come help your sisters.

              - Thanks for the help. - Remember the hands?

               We're washing dishes

              And then we make a cake.

              A wedding cake.

              Vanilla and chocolate and pink...

              Pink flowers.

              - I've got doughnuts for the girls! - Hey!

              It's such a beautiful day. Hi! There's my lovely little girl.

              - Hi... - No!

              Fine. Lizzie, you wanna drive up to the country? Does that sound fun?

              - Sure. - Should we drive up to the house?

              Maybe we'll take a picnic, huh?

              - Dave? - Yeah. Wanna go to the country?

              - No! - How about you?

              Well, it was something.

              What's with this traffic?

              - Why is it black? - Because nature... Hey.

              Not so near the edge, sweetie.

              Nature is trying to get rid of all the old things.

              - It breaks into particles... - It stinks!

              ...and it turns black. It's a good thing, believe me.

              Look at that.

              All right, you know what? We'll come back to this.

              Come on, come on, come on.

              - Take this. - Come on. Race you.

              - I'm gonna be sick. - Don't look at it. That's nature again.

              I don't wanna.

              It's our fault for leaving that stuff in the fridge so long.

              That's nature just trying to break it all down.

              I wish we were closer...


              Do you think Leah's reacting to something between us?

              Are you asleep, Dave?



              Smile for me.

              Good. You can rinse.


              - I'll get this for you. - Excuse me one minute.

              - Hey. - Lizzie's home with an upset stomach.

              Carol came and took her home.

              - Hope it's not the flu. - It's the usual.

              - Elaine's kids had it. - I called home, she's fine.

              But I didn't have time to get anything for dinner.

              Okay, so we'll see you, what, around  :  ?

              Yeah,  :  . Sometime.


              Come on!

              - Now it's tofu! - Tofu. It's a soybean type of thing.

              You don't have to eat any more.

              You try that, honey. Is your stomach still upset?

              Hi, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late.

              Hi, honey.

              - Hi. - Hi, sweetheart.

              - Hi, honey. How's your tummy? - Better.

              It is? Good.

              - What's for dinner? - Oh, something I whipped up.

              - It's good. - Yeah.

              Oh, good. Well, let me just wash up and I'll be right back.


              Mommy's home!

              Okay, there's...


     fever, it's not the flu.

              She doesn't want to go to school.

              It's been every morning this week, so...

              You know what, Lizzie?


              ...when mommies and daddies argue...

     makes a child feel bad. - What? We're not arguing.

              Dana and I?

              Honey, we should go.

              - Can I weigh myself? - Can you weigh yourself?

              - I don't know, can she weigh herself? - Absolutely.

              The stomach problem she's always had...

     going to be the focus of all her uneasiness.

              Every feeling is in the body as well as in the mind.

              We're not arguing, Danny.

               Not much to tell.

               We met, fell in love.

               Just like that.

              That was a hard week, huh?

              Little Leah doesn't make it any easier.

              What if she's like this forever?

              Remember when Lizzie was waking up four or five times a night?

              - Stephanie swallowed that penny? - Oh, my God.

              - You know, you scare me a little. - What?

              You do, you always have. Isn't that funny?

              You don't smile much.

              Not like most people do, anyway.

              You're awfully tall.

              Yes, you are, you're very tall.

              We've been married    years, I was always tall.

              Remember when you'd ride me on the handlebars?

              - How can you say you don't scare me? - I was trying to.

              - Why? - Because you scared me.

              You were so fucking smart you scared everybody.

              And you know it.

              - What are we watching? - Movie night.

               By way of thanks, I betrayed him.

               I broke his heart  in one way or another.

              Do you like me?

              I love you.

              I mean, if you weren't sleeping with me.

              Would you want to talk to me and have lunch with me, and...?

              - You would? - Yes, I would.

              Do you think that we're friends?

              I'll prove it to you.

              I thought it would be different, you know, our marriage.

              I thought it would be like the Cinerama...

              ...and it would just get wider and wider and...

              It doesn't. It just gets smaller and smaller.

              No, it doesn't.

              If you rest your head back, and give yourself over to the screen.

              Let that Elmer Bernstein music swell up.

              - See all the great cinematography. - Dave.

              You're supposed to eat it with a spoon and milk.

              - Hey, guys. - Hi, Dad.

              - Where's Mom? - She had to go in early.

              She wants you to take Leah to daycare.

              - Oh, yeah? - She left you a note.

              - Here's the airplane. - A note, a note, a note!

              - Okay, Leah, Leah... - A note, a note!

              He touches me and I quit.

              - Hurst Dental. - So she's up next.

              - Yeah, why don't you go get prepped. - My pleasure.

              - Hey. - Hey.

              Dr. Dave?

              - He's back. - Who?

              Promise me you're in a better mood than you were last time, Mr. Slater.

              - Why? - Oh, good, glad to hear that.

              So how are you and your wife doing?

              She kicked me out. I told you that the last time I was here.

              Right, she kicked you out. Open, please.

              - I want to... - Pineapple.

              - The doctor will be here in a minute. - I wanted to mention...

              If you keep talking, you won't get numb.

              - I want you aware of my embouchure. - Your what?

              - I'm sorry. - His embouchure. That's all right.

              Mr. Slater.

              Dr. Mengele.

              - Certainly doesn't taste like pineapple. - Let's just take a look at that, all right?

              Yeah, okay.

              I can see what happened. Did you chew on this?

               The social nature of the dental  situation is the hardest thing for me.

               There's a certain pleasure  for a meditative person like myself...

               ... in laying down one thread  and picking up another...

               ... as if everything isn't  happening at once.

               I am    years old,  and it seems to me...

               ... that I've arrived at the age of grief.

               My wife is seeing another man  and I don't kick her out of the house.

              She doesn't kick me out. I can't imagine kicking anyone out.

              Do you kick them?

               Or do you kick them?

              You can rinse.

              - Good as new, no charge. - That's a really good deal.

              You should have those wisdom teeth looked at.

              - Not unless they start to hurt. - Well, it's not a good idea to wait.

              Dr. Dave...

              ...want me to reschedule tomorrow's appointments if Mark doesn't...?

              So that other one, was that your wife?

              I didn't get a good look at her.

              Well, forget about it.

              Dave, let me explain something to you, okay? People...

              ...hate you, you're a dentist.

              - Is that right? - They can't wait to get out...

              ...of your office, okay? They think about you, they think "pain."

              They would like nothing more than to never have to see you again.

              And your best work never even sees the light of day.

              Well, you're going to lose every tooth in your mouth, my friend.

              You've got one of the worst cases of gum disease I've ever seen.

              So you can forget about your lousy, little embouchure.

              - Hi, Leah. Hi. - Go around.

              Have fun?

              Could you belt her in, please? Watch your leg.

              So you're kind of like the mommy here.

              - What's that supposed to mean? - I mean, you welcome the girls...

     pick them up and drive them around. It's sweet.

              - Everybody in? - Yeah.

              Buckle, you.

              Do you do the washing and the sewing...

              ...and teach them about makeup and stuff?

              - How to use a barrette? - Dad?

              - What? - Can we go look at toys?

              No, you have too many toys.

              - Hi. - Hi.

              Hi, Mom.


              - Hey. - How was work?


              It's good to see you.

              - Hi. - Hi.

              Wait a minute.


              - It's great to see you. - Take her upstairs.

              I'm glad.

              So, what's new?

              Nothing, since I saw you this afternoon, nothing.

              What, nothing can happen in five hours?

              Well, in this case it didn't.

              - Bullshit. - Who did you see?

              Who were your patients, who did you see today?

              I don't know, honey, you saw the appointment book. Mrs. Margolis.

              Yeah, I like her.

              Yeah, the usual.

              The usual?

              Isn't that nice.

              - You have your own. - You have a plate of your own food.

              - Hers is better. - No, they're both the same.

              - Too big. - Still?

              Mandy's going to a different camp.

              - She is? Which one? - I forget.

              - We'll have to find out. - You can eat that.

              - I don't like it. - Eat it anyways.

              - I don't want it. - Eat it anyway.

              - I don't want it! - Hey!

              Look at me.

              Look at me.

              Where's the booze?

              Guess what? I'm putting you to bed, you understand me?

              - No, I don't want to! - Cry if you want.

              - Cry all you want! - No, I don't want to!

              Cry till you're an old woman. It's not soon enough...

     far as I'm concerned! - Daddy's sort of mad.

              Daddy! Daddy!






              - Daddy! - Be quiet!



              - Dave? - That would be you, buddy.

              - What? - You don't need to shout at her.

              Somebody has to. I do all the work around here, anyway.

              - Everything's more fucked every day. - Everything's more fucked every day.

              - Tell us what you're so angry about. - I'm not angry.

              Kill her. I would.

              Everything's more fucked up every day.

              You've always said that, and I hate it.

              I have not always said it, I just thought of it.

              - Girls, you're excused. - Stay.

              - Admit that every day is worse. - No!

              - It is. - I don't believe that.

              Admit it!

              I could kill you.

              What did you just say to me?


              I didn't say anything.

              - You said you could kill me? - I didn't mean to say that.

              But you thought it, you thought you could kill me?

              One crack, right between the eyes.

              You can't control your thoughts.

              A person can think anything they want.

              But you mustn't act on every thought that you have.


              I'm gonna go out for a little while. Excuse me.

              My father always said:

              "If you're mad, whatever you do, don't get in the car."

              Fuck him, he was a jerk.

              Yes, he was.

              Go upstairs, girls.

              Fucking bitch!

              Fucking bitch!

              You fucking bitch!

              We're upset about something, aren't we, Dave?

              I wish my wife loved me.

              How do you know she doesn't?

              I wish she would look at me with desire instead of regret.


              Who is he?

              When does she see him?

              - How do you know he even exists? - It's just a feeling.

              - A feeling. - I saw the back of his head.

              He's probably the music director.

              She sees him when she can...

              ...a few minutes here or there, it's nothing too tangible.

              Why don't you just come right out and ask her?


              Because, if she tells me she loves him, we have to do something about it.

              Yeah, that's right.

              But if I let her go through it and work out whatever it is she needs to do...

              ...maybe I can save my marriage. - Wait, wait...

              I don't consider you a reliable source on the subject of marriage, okay?

              Fair enough.

              But why isn't she leaving you, then? I mean...

              ...if she is seeing somebody, and I'd rather know...

     way or the other, but you know what?

              Maybe he rejected her. Did you ever think about that?

              I mean, he's just messing around, having fun...

              ...that's why she stays. Because otherwise, she'd get out of there.

              I mean, not that she's a willful bitch, or such a willful bitch, but...


              Are we leaving?

              See you back at the house.

              I love you.

              Yeah, I know.

              I do, I love you so much.

               Oh, yes, there is, Ms. Lawrence.

               I'm familiar with the serum  Dr. Markoff has for the cure.

               His recovery depends solely on you.

              - "What?" - "I will cure your father..."

               ... when you decide  to become my wife.

               Let go of me. I'll never marry you.

               Never is a long time.  Some people do change their mind.

              I love the first, cold sting of juice, you know?

              - Yeah. - You get that?

              - Yeah. - Like it hurts and it doesn't, sort of?

              I love that.

              Hey, I have a great idea.

              Why don't you take the girls to the house...

              ...and we'll spend the night. Would you girls like that?

              Yeah, let's go!

              - What about my morning patients? - I'll take them, and then I'll...

              ...take the train and meet you for dinner.

              - Right. - I don't mind.

              Of course you don't.

              Well, okay.

              But I could take yours, I mean, that would be just as easy.

              Oh, I just...

              I thought you could use a day away.

              But if you don't want to, that's fine, we don't have to go, we can stay here.

              - I wanna go! - Hold it. I'd love to.

              - Yes. - Yeah.

              I'm lazy and sleepy!

              You got one, Steph? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

              - Animal. - You just did animal.

              - Animal crackers! - Animal crackers?

              - Dad, my stomach feels funny. - Stay away from me.

              - Shouldn't have had so much milk. - I didn't, I took three sips. Stop, Dad.

              - I'm gonna throw up. - Oh, gosh!

              - You gotta pull over. - I'll pull over.

              - Wait for this car. - Let me wait for this car.

              - Hurry up. - Okay, hang on, sweetie.

              - Here we go. - Take her belt off.

              Take your belt off, okay?

              Come on, come on, come on.


              We can stop again if you have to, all right?

              Back on the road now.

              Seat belt, please.

              Wow, I feel better.

              What do you suppose he's doing to her right this second?

              Have you thought about that?

              I would.

              Maybe she's dead.


              ...would be sad.

              All right, all right! Stop your whining!

              - Just be quiet. - Dave!

              - What? Fuck! - Someone's here to see you.

              - Terrible. - Dr. Hurst?

              - Yes? - This was left from the accident.

              - Jesus Christ. - I'm awfully sorry.

              Yeah, that's her.

              You see the two crowns I did, the Maryland bridge, see that?

              - This place? - Yeah, right here.

              Thank you.

              Hey, Dave?

              Hey, Dave?



              Nope, she's definitely alive.

              She's determined to tell me. See that look on her face?

              - Not necessary. - Goddamn it, I know you're out there!


              - Goddamn it! - Mom?


              - What, Lizzie? - What's wrong? What's happening?

              - Stephanie. - Nothing's happening.

              - Hat trick. - I'm calling him, I want him to come in.

              - Goddamn it! - Daddy!

              Dave, Leah's calling you!


              - Jackass. - Mom, what's happening?

              What, honey?

              Well, throw up. Let's just get up. You wanna get up, you can get up.

              - Want a cigar? - I'm not yelling. I'm calling Daddy.

              - Okay. - Thank you.

              There you go.


              No, no, sweetie, go play with the girls.

              You're making so much noise!

              We're trying to have a picnic!

              That should be just your size now. You don't want to look just like Megan.

              Why not?

              I don't know.

              - Yes, I do. - Honey, no.

              You're gonna wear the red one. It's really warm and it's very stylish.

              I want a new coat.

              If I buy you a new coat right now, you are growing so fast...

    's not going to fit you by the fall.

              Let's wait until September, then if you want it, I promise, I'll get it.


              How's everybody?

              - Good. - Good.

              Like this? Watch.

              Rock, paper, scissors.

              Rock, paper, scissors.

              Don't stop, it's fine.


              - Yucky, yucky. - Disgusting.

              - Yuck! - Yuck.

              Whatever Lizzie did or didn't have, I've got the flu now.

              Hundred and two.

              Think I should sleep downstairs, on the couch?

              - I know you hate to be sick. - I'll handle it.

              Me too.

              - You don't need to sleep on the couch. - I don't wanna give you this.

              Whatever it is, I'm sure I've already got it.


              I'll stay on my side and breathe away from you.

              How long does it take to go through the family? Didn't you figure it out?

              - Five days. - That's it, yeah.

              See, that would never even occur to me.

              Five days.


              I don't know, I think I'd die if you disappeared.

              Or if something happened to you...

              ...or one of the girls. I do.

              I know we get to taking each other for granted, Dana, but...

              I'm all right. Sweet dreams.

              I love you.

              God, I feel awful.

              Here we go.

              - Shit! - What? What's the problem?

              - My foot. - What's the problem, honey? Cramp?

              Here, here, stretch it out, stretch it out, stretch it out.

              I can't, I can't, I can't.

              Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

              That's it, that's it. Bend it, bend it.

              That's it. That's it.

              That's it.

              That's it.

              That's it.

              There we go.

              There we go.

              That's it.

              - Dave. - Oh, God, Dana.

              I'm sorry I'm me.

              Oh, no, no.

              I'm not sorry you're you.


              You know what? I'm sorry you're you.

              Honey, honey, here's the Advil and the thermometer.

              I'm gonna take your morning patients, okay?

              Here's some ginger ale. I'm gonna take Leah, and Laura will pick her up.

              - I can do that. - No, we'll see how you feel, okay?

              I'm gonna call you later, I'll call you at lunch.

              Okay, honey?

              - You're wonderful, thank you. - Everybody!

              Get some sleep.

              I'll try, but...


              - Thank you so much. - You have a good night, now.

              Good night.

              David Hurst, goddamn you.


              I missed you so much today. I love you.

              Well, where were you all this time?

              We had a leak in the office. I had to wait    hours for a plumber.

              And remember how you didn't want to be disturbed on the weekends?

              The number's not listed, and I couldn't remember it. I couldn't call you.

              What'd you think, I was having an affair?

              Somebody's throwing her the bone, big boy. Believe it.

              Somebody gonna get that?



              These children are monsters. They should be struck.

              - May I hit them? - No.

              - Where's my dad? - He's coming now.

              - Here he is. - Hey.

              Thanks, Laura. This wasn't necessary. Can you?

              Come here, sweetheart.

              Dana says you're not to cook anything, she's gonna be home on time.

              And she wants to wait to see about tomorrow's patients.

              - Okay. - Hi. Hi, dad. Hi.

              - Hi, sweetheart, how are you? - Hi. Hi, Dad. Hi.

              Thanks. Hey, Laura?

              Thanks so much.


              Hi, sweetie. Hi, sweetie.

              Are you all right?

              Yeah. Take care, all right?


              Hi! Hi, hi, hi, hi.

              How was school? Okay, listen...

              ...go in and watch a little TV with Lizzie and Steph.

              Daddy's feeling kind of complicated.


              - What's wrong? - I don't feel so good.

              Dad! Lizzie's sick!

              Just a sec.



              - Yes? - Lizzie threw up.


               Do you people do anything else?

                Dave, the midget is... She stepped in the puke.

                - Better bring some paper towels. - Who's throwing up?


                Oh, honey. Oh, that's not right. Okay, here we go.

                - Come here. What happened here? - I stepped in it.

                You stepped in it, that's delightful. Lizzie got a little sick?

                And you stepped in it. Go, go, be by Steph.

                - Dad! - Yeah, okay!

                I know, I know, I'm just...

                I'm just... Okay, I'll be there. I'm coming, honey. I know.

                You just gonna leave this here, Dave?

                Hold on.

                Okay, okay, you're okay.

                It's just the flu.

                - Dad! - What?



                - All right, let's give this a try. - Okay.

                - Honey, try to drink some fluids. - I can't.

                - Just try. - I can't.

                Okay, okay. I know, I know.

                You feel sick? Are you going to throw up?

                - Okay, she's gonna throw up. - Okay, okay. Here we go, here we go.

                That's all right, not to worry.

                Well, you seem better.

                I think... Yeah, I think I am.

                Well, that's something, anyway.

                Not a basis for confidence, though.

                Yeah, I wish you weren't always so pessimistic.

                As long as this lasts, why don't we avoid talking about...

       we always are, okay?


                But no sarcasm, either.


                Oh, my God.

                - Five days. - Yeah.

                I think you're exaggerating a little. Just keep forcing fluids.

                Well, Leah's got it too, now.

                You know, Dave, it's possible she's picking up on your anxiety.

                We've all got the flu, Danny.

                I'm calling to see if there's anything we should be doing for the flu. Influenza.

                - My children are all vomiting... - "I understand."

                ...excessively, into buckets.

                I was worried, I appreciate your advice.

                - "Well"... - Thanks.

                What a quack, huh?


                - How you doing? - Okay.

                You're looking a little better, I think.

                I think we're all doing a little better, aren't we?

                Oh, sweetie. Okay, all right.

                Okay, that's okay. That's all right, love.

                Dad, ginger ale!

                I'll be right there, Liz. It's all right, love. It's all right.

                - Hey, what time did you get up? - Up? What's that?

                - Oh, God. - Oh, no.

                - What's the main symptom? - Oh, no, she's got it too?

                - She's all right. We're okay. - Did you call Elaine? Let me take her.

                - No, no, no! - Honey, it's your mother.

                Honey, come here.

                No, she's like part of my body, I like it.

                There's vomit on the phone you might wanna wipe off.

                Bye-bye, Steph.

                There goes Stephie.


                This is fun.

                This is fun.

                We are bouncing, this is fun.

                This is fun.

                It's   in the morning.

                I'm going to the store for juice and a paper, who wants to come?

                - I do. - I do too.

                Me too!

                You do?

                - Me three, me four! - We'll all go, huh?


                Oh, yes!

                Where are we going?

                I just have to go in this house for a little while.

                Well, how long will you be?

                Oh, about    minutes. Bye, everyone!

                - Bye! - Bye.

                - Has she brought you here before? - Lots of times.

                Is he nice?

                - Yeah. - Very nice.

                - He never screams. - Or shouts.

                - Or sulks. - Or pouts.


                We hate you.

                Marry me.

                - Hey, Dana? - Yeah.

                - Hi. - I'm in here.

                You better?

                Oh, God.

                We're a picture, okay.

                You wanna...? No. Mommy's gonna have a little privacy.

                - What? - Nope, nothing.

                We're going now.

                Leah is sleeping.

                Leah is sleeping now, Leah.

                Sleeping. Leah is sleeping.

                Marry me, Daddy.

                - You don't know what you're saying. - Yes, I do.

                Someday I'm gonna be a woman. I'll always be faithful.

                Listen, whatever Mommy's going through...

                ...I know it's not about me.

                She's gonna have to work this out for herself.

                So says you.

                If I let her tell me, we're gonna have to do something.

                We'll have to act.

                - But why? - See?

                Because, then the whole machinery will shift into gear.

                Separation, divorce, custody.

                Not necessarily.

                Now, you should really listen to her, because she is on the ball.

                Nobody asked you, you big slimebucket!

                Oh, you're awake.

                Here we go. Here we go.

                - Can we get you something? - A knife.

                Just a sec. Oh, God.

                I don't think I can take this, I can't take it.

                All right, I know. Oh, baby.

                Dad, can I have some ginger ale?



                I know we haven't really talked, but...

                - David, David, please. - Okay. I know. Now's not a good time.

                All right, hang on.

                There we go. There we go.

                There we go. You okay?

                - Would you turn the light off, please? - Did you want this off? Okay.


                Mommy's okay.

                Let's see what's going on down here, shall we?

                All right.

                Look at Lizzie, she's back to her old self.

                - Hi, Liz. Hi, Steph. - Hi, Dad.

                You'll feel better in hours, I know it.

                While you sit here and watch some TV with these guys, okay?

                - Daddy? - Look.

                It's Jemima Puddle-Duck, you see? Hi, Jemima.

                And what else do we got here? Parcheesi, and...

                - What's this, Lee-Lee? - Yes!

                What is that? Look, sweetheart, what's that?

                That's right, Barbie's Bubbling Spa.

                What else do we...? And there's Barbie.

                I think Barbie needs to take a bath, don't you? Her hair is filthy.

                It is filthy. Come on, Barbie, what a pig you are.

                Wash your hair, get on the stick.

                - Barbie, you're a pig. - We've got a brush here.

                - "Dr. Mengele." - "Dave?"

                - "Are you asleep?" - "Dr. Mengele."

                - "David, are you asleep?" - "Dr. Mengele."

                Are you sleeping now?

                Are you sleeping on the couch?

                You're soaking wet.

                Come here.

                What time is it?



                Leah's better, and Lizzie's all well.



                - Stephanie's sick. - Oh, my God.



                Hey, hey, you wanna go upstairs?

                - I don't feel good. - Is your tummy upset?

                Mommy's up there. I got a feeling this is gonna go fast for you and Mommy.

                Here we go. Let's go get something to drink, all right?

                - Where's Leah? - I don't know.

                - Can you find her? - Leah!

                Thank you.

                Oh, you're gonna be in big trouble.

                - Dad, she's right here! - Okay, I think the yelling can stop.

                Leah, sweetie, that's naughty. Don't do that, honey.

                - Watch her, I can't do everything. - I'm getting milk.

                I don't care. Can you get that away from her, please? Thank you.



                That's right. Yeah.

                Hey, Dave.

                Bet you thought it was gonna start calming down around here?

                Nope. Hey, why don't you come on tour with us, man?

                Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. All right, I'm gonna put you down.

                Why do you wanna fight for this shit? Come on, dump the evil bitch.

                Put the kids up for adoption. Come tour with us.

                You know you want to.

                Put you down there.

                All right, a little ginger ale.

                I want you to drink some of this, as much as you can.

                How about some of that? No, don't drink that yet, hang on.

                Let's take this off, it's kind of damp.

                And I wanna get you a fresh shirt. Okay, can you help me with that?

                All right, we'll find you a different one.

                - The pink one. - What?

                You don't have a pink one. A nightshirt?

                How about a purple kitty? You want a purple kitty?

                - My house. - What?

                Throw the pink one away. I don't want Megan here.

                All right, listen.

                Tell Megan to go home.

                Look at me for a second. You okay?

                Daddy. Hi. Okay, listen, take some ginger ale.

                I want you to drink that. Drink as much as you can.

                No worries.

                Nice and quiet.

                 Everybody's got the fever


                Dad, I was calling you. Didn't you hear me?

                It's okay, sweetie.

                Dad, I want some more milk.

                - You can pour it yourself. - I can't, it's too heavy.

                Don't talk to me in that tone of voice. Say "please."


                - Be down in a minute. - It's always in a minute.

                That's what you and Mommy always say, "In a minute." Then you forget.

                You're not the only one in this house.

                - And you always say that too. - Come here for a minute, please.

                Stephanie has a high fever.

                - Is it dangerous? - No. It's not good...

                ...but it's not dangerous, so I need you to help me.

                Do me a favor and go ask Mommy where she left the Children's Advil.

                Mommy, where did Dad put the Advil?

                Oh, shit.

                I'm gonna need you to...

                I need you to help me the next    hours, okay?

                - Do you think you can do that? - My house.

                 Shut up  Is she retarded?

                What do you mean?

                Is it possible to die of the flu? I'm asking you.

                - "Is she very sick?" - She has a temperature of    . .

                 How is she acting?

                She's not acting any way, she's asleep.

                - Don't wake her up. - "Is she dehydrated?"

                She urinated around   :   we gave her lots of fluids.

                - "Is she hallucinating?" - She's asleep.

                - "Is she lethargic?" - She's asleep, goddamn it!

                - "Bring her in, then, okay?" - All right.

                Stephanie? Stephanie? Can you wake up, honey?

                It's Mommy, sweetie. Can you hear me?

                - Sweetie? - I need you to wake up now, honey.

                - She's completely... - You have to get up now.

                Hi. Come on up on Daddy's shoulder. There we go. Good girl.

                I'm gonna take her in.

                - We packed Sammy. - All right, thank you.

                - Stay upstairs with Leah, okay? - Okay.

                Dave? Dave? Is she hurt?

                - Dave? - No, don't come outside.

                - Who's that? Is that Lizzie's bike? - Call me. If you want me to come over...

                No, honey, stay here.

                I can take Leah and Lizzie over to Megan's house.

                That's a good girl. All right.

                I just know we're gonna feel like idiots tomorrow when they release her.

                Good, watch your arm.

                - Call me, please. - I'll call you.

                It's okay.

                Go back inside, honey.


                Honey? Steph?



                What the hell is...?

                We'll be there in a minute, honey. Hey, hey, we'll be there in a minute.

                Stay with me, you. Okay.

                Come on.

                Jesus Christ!


                Signey? Signey was the pushy one?

                You didn't like her, she wanted you to stay in the bath?

                - Yeah. - Is it Susan or Signey?

                I think it was Susan.

                Look what happened. Look what you did.

                You owe me     bucks. Here, hold on to that, hold on to that.

                You scared us.

                You know something? This stuff should be the Italian sprouts.

                - What's your monster's name, huh? - Diarrhea!


                Just like you said.

                Five days, right on the nose.

                - Cut it out. - I don't wanna believe it.

                You think I like this?

                No Dana yet, huh?

                No, she called. She canceled her appointments. Didn't you know?

                Maybe she told me and I wasn't listening.

                I called Mark and told him not to come in.

                - Okay, see you guys. - See you.

                - You believe me now? - No.


                I just wanna murder him sometimes.

                Yeah, his own sister doesn't even like him.

                You know what he did?

                - Come on, what? Tell me. - I'll tell you outside.

                - Come on, tell me, please? - Welcome home.

                Just tell me, please?

                Tell me.

                Take your own.

                Napkins, ladies.


                - Where's Mom? - I don't know.

                I don't know, guys.

                It's okay.

                Say yes, say yes, say yes.

                No, say no, Leah, no.

                Say yes, say yes, say yes.

                - No, say no, say no. - Say yes.

                Say no.

                - Say yes, Leah. - Say no.

                - Say yes. - Careful with her neck, guys.

                Say no.

                - Oh, look, the boys. - Powerpuff Boys.

                - The Powerpuff Boys. - She's like:

                - The Rowdyruff Boys. - The Roundywuff Boys?

                The Rowdyruff Boys.

                - Good night, sweetheart. - Good night.


                There we go.

                Good night, sweetheart.

                - Dad? - Yeah?

                Good night.

                Good night.


                Why are you so devoted to this?

                You wouldn't understand it.

                - Marriage is impossible, David. - You really believe that?

                Listen to me.

                In some way, it's why I went through the whole ordeal of college...


                - Eight years. - Nine years.

                Taking out loans, saving.

                - High school. - Putting up with my father.

                - Everything. - Everything.

                - For this. - To have this.

                What I have.



                 Wait! What hurts?


                - "because Pocket Fisherman"  can hang on your belt.

                 Casting is so easy with  the Popeil Pocket Fisherman.

                 And, boy, you can catch  all kinds of great fighting fish.

                 Pocket Fisherman is also  great fun for adults too.

                "In fact, the Popeil Pocket Fish"...

                Well, until last night I thought...

                ...I might be misreading the signals somehow.


                How are the girls? Are they okay?

                Who is he?

                Worried about you.

                - Who is he? - And I'll ask the questions.

                - Okay. - Okay.

                Are you leaving or staying?

                I'm staying.

                Are you sure?

                Daddy! Daddy!

                Just a minute, sweetie.

                Daddy! Daddy!

                You go.

                I just make her cry harder.

                I don't want to know who it is.

                I don't want to know what you did.

                - Daddy! - Daddy's coming, honey.

                Hi. Hi, sweetie.

                - Daddy. - Good morning, sweetie.

                - Mommy! - Hi.



                The girls will be up soon.


                 Two little rows of stones  in the flesh...

                 ... but as sensitive in their own way  as fingertips.

                 Or lips.


                 Like marriage.

                 But there they are.

                How are they?

                I'll tell you in a while.


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