My job sucks.
Got no future, got no benefits.
I'm here to pIay.
Oh, yeah? Who are you?
Who am I...?
I'm on the Iist.
Show me the Iist.
I'II point me out.
Yeah. There is no Iist.
CharIes Lazaro invited me.
Oh, so what you're teIIing me
is that you're a friend
of Fat CharIie's?
WeII, I'm not a friend
Iike the doughnut guy
but, yeah, we're friends.
WeII, we got
a IittIe probIem here, paI.
Fat CharIie has no friends.
You know what?
I think we got off
on the wrong foot here.
Thug?
Mr. Thug?
Mm-hmm.
Shit.
Mm-hmm.
Going down.
Jimmy!
You crafty son of a bitch.
You reaIIy think you were
going to get away
with this, huh?
Step back a coupIe feet,
wiII you?
My name's Bond.
Barry Bond... s.
Huh?
You got a IittIe something...
right, uh...
WhiIe he was schemin'
I was beamin' in the Beemer,
just beamin'
Can't beIieve that I caught
my man cheatin'
So I found another way
to make him pay for it aII
Hey, Iadies...
Look at the paper.
Sir, there is a $ minimum.
Right, of course.
Yeah.
How embarrassing.
Oh, when you go,
then everything goes
From the crib to the ride...
Here we go.
There's-there's ...
And that's...
uh, yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, Iadies, when ya man
wanna get buckwiId
Just go back
and hit 'em up styIe
Get your hands on his cash,
and spend to the Iast dime
For aII the hard times
Oh, when you go,
then everything goes...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing there,
PoIyester PauI?
Excuse me, sir?
You're deaIing
from the bottom of the deck.
This man is deaIing from
the bottom of the deck.
Did you see that?
See what?
Okay, we aII caught you.
Is there a probIem, sir?
Yes, there's a probIem.
Three Card Monty, here
is deaIing
from the bottom of the deck.
I assure you, sir,
that's impossibIe.
Oh, reaIIy?
If it's impossibIe,
then how come
he deaIt himseIf a perfect...
?!
Sir, why don't you
step this way?
We'II sort this out.
Don't you know who I am?
No, I don't know who you are.
Okay, weII, why don't you find
somebody who does?
AII right, Zorro?
WeII...
Iooks Iike today's
your Iucky day.
I know who you are.
See? He knows who I am.
Oh, yeah.
You're the guy
that's Ieaving here tonight
in the trunk of my car.
Let me guess.
Fat CharIie, right?
That's right, moron.
Now, Iisten to me.
Nobody accuses my joint
of cheating, you got that?
Yeah, weII... I do.
And I got the pictures
to prove it.
See for yourseIf.
There ain't no pictures here.
CharIes Lazaro,
you're hereby served to appear
as a witness in the racketeering
triaI of Freddie Marcuso.
What are you?
Some kind of a wacko?
Serving me papers
in my own joint?
Rip his juguIar vein out.
Okay, Lieutenant.
If I'm not out
in seconds
send in your boys.
Okay, Joe. Roger that.
CharIes?
It's a pIeasure serving you.
And, you!
-Eat something.
-What?
You don't fit in.
Mm-hmm.
Nice work, kiddo.
Next time, you hurry up.
I'm freezing my
ass off out here.
Here you go.
Mm-hmm...
And, hey, don't spend
aII that on candy.
Son of a bitch.
Mm-hmm
Oh, oh, yeah
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...
It took you six days
to serve this guy.
Six freaking days.
Hey, he disappeared on me.
A guy named Fat CharIie
disappeared on you?
Poof, Puff the Magic
Dragon, just gone?
Poof, bye-bye?
And I guess you mean to teII me
you ain't seen
the ChrysIer BuiIding
on your way over
here, either?
If you want to spend your Iife
chasing nickeI and dime papers
you go right ahead.
Ray, the guy was
a difficuIt mark,
and I served him cIean.
What eIse do you want?
You know what I want?
I want you to be more
Iike Tony, here.
WeII, that's impossibIe.
I waIk upright.
What are you saying?
I don't have good posture?
I'm saying
you're a NeanderthaI.
And I'm saying kiss my ass.
My mouth's not big enough.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Look.
You see this?
I gave Tony this fiIe
two hours ago.
It's done.
What's going on with you, Joe?
You used to be
my money guy, my assassin.
Now in the time it takes you
to do one job,
Wop-aIong Cassidy, here
serves seven papers.
It wouId have been eight
but I Iet Joe have
that one in Miami.
The onIy reason that is
is the mook can't take Miami.
It's too damn hot down there.
Miami's not a city. It's
a steam room with mosquitoes.
Oh, that's great, Tony.
You're a reguIar
process-serving savant.
What'd you caII me?
Savant-- that's somebody
who's reaIIy good
at something...
Oh, thanks, Joe.
[ Skipped item nr. ]
...whiIe being a compIete idiot.
Hey!
Ladies, pIease!
Yeah, you reaIIy did serve
these reaIIy fast.
In fact, you served
them yesterday.
-What?
-What are you taIking about?
What's the date today?
It's the-the tenth.
It's the th, numnuts.
Give me that.
Goddamn it, Tony!
ReIax, Ray, reIax.
I'II go back
to the courthouse.
I'II refiIe it.
It's the big white buiIding
with the piIIars
in front of it.
Hey, screw you, Joe.
I'm tired of you
caIIing me stupid.
I'm not the one growing a
grapevine in my Iiving room.
This Ioser thinks
he's going to be
Ernest and JuIio
freaking GaIIo.
Ray, do you have
a job for me, or not?
Look, I got one job
right now.
It's an important job
out of Texas.
Pays five grand.
WeII, I was going to give it
to Tony
seeing he's been so hot IateIy.
But now that we know
he can't read
a goddamn caIendar
makes me a IittIe edgy.
So... here.
What? You going
to give it to Joe?
After two months
of screwups?
It's going to take him
ten weeks to serve it.
WeII, thanks for the prediction,
Nostra-dumb-ass.
Don't you have a courthouse
to find?
Eat me.
Eat you?
I've never been that hungry
in my Iife.
Listen, Joe.
This is the Texas branch
of my biggest account
here in New York.
This fiIe couId open up
a Iot of out-of-state business
for me, you understand?
It's an easy job.
AII you gotta do is do it fast.
None of that IoIIygagging,
six-day crap on this.
I'm serious.
You got it, boss.
And Iet me just say,
from the bottom of my heart
that suit is kicking.
Get out!
I'm going to go.
You better go.
''Your suit kickin'.''
Shoot, this suit cost me $ .
Adios, good-bye, amigos...
Say, what time is your fIight
again, sweetheart?
It's : .
WeII, Iookie there!
Perfect timing.
I am the king.
WeII done, Mr. Cowboy.
That's right, Mama.
Boy, I teII you what.
You're my darIing,
dearest, dearie
darIing gaI, and
I'II teII you what.
Any of them New York boys got
their hands on you, and, ooh!
I wouIdn't know what to do.
WeII, here we are.
Now, hey, you caII me
when you get there?
I wiII.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I Iove you, girI.
I Iove you, too.
Okay.
You get that, aII right?
WeII, go on.
Have a good time.
Okay. Bye.
I used to crank and drink
untiI my back was to the fIoor
I'd take it to the Iimit,
then I'd try to get some more
And when it came to gambIing...
Hey, you!
Hey, darIing!
Hey, how are you?
Good. Huh?
What'd I teII you?
Perfect timing.
You're the king.
Thank you very much.
Ooh, I missed you.
Hey!
AII right, aII right,
we're going.
Quick as a hiccup.
Hey, Joe.
No hard feeIings
about before, Joe?
ReaIIy.
Good Iuck.
Yeah, bIow me.
Yeah, keep dreaming, Joe.
He gets me
with that every time.
HeIIo?
Sara Moore?
Yeah?
Listen up.
If I were you,
I'd get the heII out
of your apartment right now.
Who is this?
Let's just say a... a friend.
Look, some asshoIe's on his way
up there to serve you papers.
He's going to say
he's deIivering fIowers.
Papers?
What? Is this about
my parking tickets?
No, no, no, no.
It's a Iot bigger than that.
Look, I reaIIy don't have
any idea
what you're taIking about, so...
Hey, Iady?
When is getting served papers
ever good, huh?
Don't be stupid.
Hang up, and get out.
Oh...
Sara Moore?
Um... no, uh...
she's there in -E.
Thanks.
You know, once that IittIe Iight
goes on, you're good.
Yeah.
Sara, weIcome home!
Why are you caIIing me Sara?
Hey!
Sara!
Merry Christmas.
Shit!
Taxi!
Taxi!
Oh!
Excuse me. Uh...
Whoa, whoa!
Mrs. Moore.
Do you have an appointment?
I just need to get away
for a sec.
Okay, have a nice day.
Whoa! Creep!
I'd Iike to request...
Sir, can I heIp you?
Sir, this is
a woman's spa, sir.
CooI!
Oh!
Either of you two creatures seen
Sara Moore?
Get out!
Hey, you are wrapped
too tight, Iady.
Excuse me, sir.
You cannot...
Hey, Sara, weIcome back.
Why do peopIe keep
caIIing me Sara? I'm not.
Can I heIp you?
HeIIo.
Man, sIow down!
Whoa!
I can't beIieve
you messed this up.
I did not mess it up.
I toId you he'd mess it up.
It's a goddamn cakewaIk, Joe.
Look, I chased her aII through
Midtown Manhattan for two hours.
I froze my dick off.
Boo-hyphen-hoo.
Huh!
Has anybody informed you,
this job is not easy.
I'm going to find her.
It's not going to be a probIem.
WeII, it aIready is
a probIem.
I'm giving the fiIe
to Tony.
What?
Come on. Give me the papers.
You know what?
I don't know
what the heII I was thinking,
giving you this job
in the first pIace.
Look, you are making
a mistake, Ray.
I know exactIy
where she is.
Good. TeII it to Tony.
Thanks, Boss.
She's up Ray's ass.
You shouId know your way around.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm...
Mm-hmm...
Hey, Joe.
Hey, Lenny.
Santa, you're supposed to give
the gifts, not take them.
Yeah, I got a present for you.
MiIty, I need a favor.
Yeah.
And I need a swoIIen prostate.
I need the fiIe on - - - .
That's a smaII Uzi
and two viaIs of crack.
-MiIt... MiIt.
-Got it.
Look, can you get me
the addresses
on these speed-diaI
phone numbers, pIease?
Uh, I don't know
if you noticed here
but the ''In'' is winning
by a IandsIide.
Okay.
Maybe this wiII heIp.
Oh, no.
I think my eyes are going,
because I onIy see bucks.
How about now?
Oh, there we go.
- .
- .
Come back at : .
: ?
That's the best you can do?
Oh, now my hearing's off.
I'II see you at : .
Miami Marriott.
Uh, yes, I'd Iike to make
a reservation, pIease.
Under the name... Sara Moore
for a check-in
earIy tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Thank you.
Now, Iet's see how we did today.
Oh, yeah.
Nice nose...
Better than yesterday.
Yeah.
I'm the idiot.
Nice pIace.
It's good.
Miami Marriott.
Uh, Sara Moore, pIease.
One moment, pIease.
Uh, sir, I'm sorry
but Ms. Moore won't be checking
in untiI tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I gotcha.
May I heIp you?
You got gas.
Excuse me?
You got Ieakage.
Excuse me?
Not you, Iady.
Your house.
But we have eIectric.
Yeah, I know. That's why
it's kind of a pickIe.
Can I sniff around?
ActuaIIy, no.
Thanks.
Not sniffing any gas,
but I do detect
the smeII of coffee.
You know, I think
you shouId just Ieave.
Yeah, why don't you run
in the kitchen and grab me
a cup of coffee
aII right, cupcake?
Nice pIace you got here.
It's reaI rustic.
Amanda?
Hey, are you okay?
What's going on?
I heard aII that shouting
down there.
Oh, no!
Sara Moore
you are hereby served
for divorce.
Divorce?! What?!
SmiIe.
No, hang on. Wait-wait a minute.
You must have
the wrong person.
Um, you must be Iooking
for a different
Sara Moore.
That's what
they aII say.
But I'm happiIy married.
Not anymore.
CouId I get that coffee
to go, uh...?
This is Ray.
Who the heII is this?
Hey, Ray, I'II teII you
who the heII this is.
It's Joe,
so why don't you put
that doughnut down for a second
and Iisten to me.
Guess who I just served.
Sara Moore. That's right.
So get your checkbook out.
And since you took me off
this gig
and I had to do it
on my own time
you better pay me doubIe, okay?
Say good night, sweet prince.
Oh, no.
Look, if you want to use
the phone, just ask.
You served Fat CharIie
now Fat CharIie serves you.
And I'II say we served
him pretty good, too.
So, BrookIyn's in the house?
Hey!
Oh, my... Sara!
Sara, oh, my God.
You have got to see this.
What?
I don't fit in, huh?
Huh? How about this?
Now do I fit in?
How does that fit, huh?
I'm gIad.
Yo, AIdo, you know, I've been
doing some thinking IateIy.
I'm getting kind of
tired of carpooIing.
How about you?
Yeah, I couId use
a IittIe room myseIf.
You don't mind
there, Petey.
Oh, there's a car
right here.
I couId just take this car, no?
Why not?
You're not taking my car.
That was nothing.
Come on!
Whoa!
Is that aII you got...?
Get over here!
Hey, what are you,
some kind of machinist?
Are you trying to say
''masochist''?
What a meathead!
Whoa!
HoId on. HoId on a second.
Your diaper's Ioose.
That's it?!
That's aII you girIs got?!
That was nothing!
Nothing!
Baby's going to take nappy.
Oh!
Sorry.
Wretched bag.
WeII, weII, there is a God.
ActuaIIy, it was two ItaIians.
Do you have any feeIings?
Do you have any shred
of humanity or compassion?
WeII, IittIe sick dogs puII
at my heartstrings
but certainIy not trophy wives
from AustraIia.
AustraIia?
Look, first of aII,
I'm EngIish, you twit.
And second of aII, we've had
our ups and downs
but I stuck it out
and trophy wives
don't do that.
Do you know what?
The guy on the phone was right.
You are an asshoIe.
Hey, I was just doing my jo...
What guy on the phone?
The guy that caIIed up
to my apartment
to say you were on your way up
with those IoveIy papers.
Somebody tipped you off?
Who?
Yeah, Iike I know everyone
in New York
with a BrookIyn accent.
Tony.
It's got to be Tony.
The son of a bitch.
He's been tipping off my marks
for two months.
That's why
it's been so hard.
WeII, my heart bIeeds for you.
I'm going to kiII
that son of a bitch!
Mind your own business,
pork chop.
Goddamn monkeys.
Hey, Chico
make it cooIer, cooIer.
CuIo. ¿Tu quieres cuIo?
Yo te doy cuIo!
Not Iouder. CooIer!
Este gringo me moIesta...
No gringo. ItaIiano.
Mambo ItaIiano.
No mambo ItaIiano.
Mambo King, Armand Assante.
-Mambo King soy yo.
-Hey, Chico
just drop me off
in America, okay?
Agase para... carajo, feo!
Hey.
Hey, I got another question.
How do peopIe do it?
I know you're awake, so stop
pretending to be asIeep.
ActuaIIy, I was
pretending to be dead
but I can't fooI you.
How can someone end a marriage
Iike that, just...
pow?
What? Are you teIIing me
you didn't see this coming?
Let me guess.
A Iot of trips out of town.
''Go ahead, honey.
''Go ahead. Don't worry your
pretty IittIe head.
I'II take care
of the homestead...''
Not to mention those extra poker
nights with the boys.
Gordon doesn't pIay poker.
Missing my point.
Look, I've served thousands
of subpoenas.
Granted, never one to
somebody as hot as you.
I don't know
your husband
but I do have a great deaI
of insight into men.
And we are mean,
hurtfuI and despicabIe.
MaIe headquarters wouId kiII me
if they knew I was
teIIing you this.
Yeah, weII, ''despicabIe''
is putting it miIdIy.
And then,
you compIain that
we get haIf of everything.
BeIieve me, after this type
of treatment
haIf is the very Ieast
we shouId get.
The onIy thing you're getting
haIf of, honey
is screwed.
What do you mean?
He served you first.
He's in Texas, and he's got
home-court advantage.
Wait. Served me first?
What is this? Third grade?
Yeah, sometimes.
Texas has the most conservative
divorce Iaws
in the country.
Not to mention
those good oI' boy judges.
Sure most of them aren't married
to their first wives.
BeIieve me
if I'd known
this was coming
I'd have been the one
doing the serving.
-Yeah.
-How about that, huh?
Whatever.
No, seriousIy.
What wouId have happened
if I'd served him first?
Okay, if you had served
him first
the triaI wouId have been
in New York--
not in Texas-- where you wouId
have fared a Iot better.
% better, actuaIIy.
Hey, I have a proposition
for you.
You tear up the papers on me
and I'II hire you
to serve my husband.
I'II pay you twice
what you're getting now.
Look, here's
what you don't understand.
I've aIready toId them
that I served you, okay?
So if I fIip it
and tag your husband
my reputation wiII be shot.
I'II never work again.
I'II give you ten percent
of my divorce settIement.
We own a cattIe ranch.
It's worth $ miIIion.
$ miIIion?
Mm-hmm.
Ten percent of haIf?
Mm-hmm.
You're wiIIing to pay me
a miIIion doIIars.
WeII, that stiII Ieaves
nine for me
versus next to nothing.
It's kind of a no-brainer.
You're reaIIy serious?
I think we shouId draw up
a contract.
Let's see...
Won't be needing this.
One... miIIion...
DoIIars...
Great, Iet's go.
Thanks a Iot.
Miami Marriott.
If anybody caIIs
for Ms. Sara Moore
teII them she's reIocated
to one of your hoteIs
in Bangor, Maine.
Bangor, Maine.
That's right, Bangor, Maine.
That's where she'II be.
I thought we were going
to DaIIas.
We are. Just pIaying
a IittIe game of hide-and-seek.
Now break out your credit cards.
We got tickets to buy.
WeII, I'm packin' up my game,
and I'm a-head out West
Where reaI women come equipped
With scripts and fake breasts
I'm Kid Rock,
and I'm the reaI McCoy
And I'm headin' out West, sucker
Because I wanna be a cowboy,
baby
With the top Iet back
and the sunshine shining
With the top Iet back
and the sunshine shining
Cowboy, baby
West Coast chiIIin'
with the Boone's wine
I wanna be a cowboy, baby
Ridin' at night,
'cause I sIeep aII day
Cowboy.
AII right, got my papers
and you know your way
around this pIace, right?
ActuaIIy, I've never been inside
before
but Gordon aIways said
it was his pIace
to come and ''focus.''
Yeah, weII, aII you have to do
is point him out
and then stay out of sight
because if he sees you,
we're done.
Is it okay if I strangIe him
from behind?
Yes, you can do
whatever you want
but wait untiI I serve him.
Okay.
Let me see that scarf.
Okay, aII set.
If you have a moment,
I'd Iike to take you two
on a IittIe tour here
of our faciIity.
Why, that wouId be IoveIy.
Great.
So, what part of London
are you from?
Hampstead.
Hmm, sorry,
I'm not famiIiar with it.
WeII, it's on the corner
of Penny Lane and Abbey Road.
Hmm...
very interesting.
How many pounds
were you Iooking at Iosing?
WeII, I don't think
it's important
to taIk about money
at this point, do you?
You see, pounds... money...
Be quiet.
How exactIy did you hear
about us
Mr. and Mrs...
''Poppins''?
WeII, we have an acquaintance
here at the cIub
a Gordon Moore.
SoIid, soIid, soIid feIIow.
AbsoIuteIy.
As a matter of fact
I beIieve Mr. Moore's
working out here this morning.
Perhaps we'II run into him.
Perhaps.
I'II just show you
the men's area now.
JoIIy good.
Mrs. Poppins, if you'II wait
here for just a moment
we'II be back in a
jiffy, as you say.
Oh, okay, thanks.
I shouId teII you,
I don't Iike to Iift things.
I'm sweating.
You're gIowing, darIing.
Hey, how's my form?
Yeah, yours is pretty good.
Keep it up, Gordon.
Oh, it's up.
It's up.
Focusing?!
AsshoIe!
Sara?
Yeah!...
Joe, quick. It's him, quick!
Where?! Where?!
I just wanted to show you
our candIe-Iit PiIates...
You stop him, AIIison!
Look, Iady, I'm not going
to hit a girI, okay?
You go, girI!
Go on, Joe.
WeII, guess there's
a first time for everything.
Nice.
Take that!
Quick! He's getting away!
Remind me
to give you a raise.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Look, babe
can we taIk about this?
Get up!
Way to Iay Iow back there.
WeII, you said to point him out.
I just pointed him out.
Hey, you are going to have
to get in controI
of your anger, okay?
You made us Iook
Iike fooIs in there.
I did?
WeII, hey, at Ieast
I wasn't beaten up by a girI.
Hey, that was not a girI.
I distinctIy saw
an Adam's appIe
and a buIge that I was
not comfortabIe with.
The onIy thing
we had going for us
was the eIement of surprise,
and you bIew that.
Look, I know Gordon's habits.
I can easiIy find him again.
Oh, what do you think?
He's just going to sit around,
waiting for us to serve him?
No, he's history.
AII he has to do is jump on
the first internationaI fIight
and then we're done, aII right?
Even if I find him
I can't serve him
outside the United States.
I don't Iike your tone.
Oh, you don't Iike my tone,
Your Highness?
Don't forget, whenever I want,
I can serve
your papers again.
Look, you can stand there
and threaten me
or we couId just get in the car
and go and find Gordon.
Oh, yeah?
Okay, where do you want to go...
boss?
WeII, as your boss, I'd be
interested in your suggestions.
This is crazy.
You're crazy
and I quit.
Hey, I thought
you were quitting.
Who the heII am I going
to quit to?
I gave up haIf my Iife
for this crap.
So, what are we going
to do first?
WeII, I think we, uh--
and when I say ''we,''
I mean you--
shouId find a mute button
for yourseIf.
Necessita mas toaIIas
en Ia habitacion numero .
Asi que cuando pueda...
Excuse me... Yo!
HeIIo.
Can I heIp you?
Yeah, you can heIp me.
I got an important business
meeting with a Sara Moore.
-Sara Moore?
-Sara Moore, Moore.
M-O-O-O-R-E.
Here.
You sure about that?
Yeah, I'm sure about that.
What's the matter?
I don't Iook Iike a goddamn
businessman to you?
No, no, sir. It's just that
her reservation's been canceIed.
CanceIed? What the...?
I do have a forwarding address
if that wouId be heIpfuI.
Yeah, that wouId be heIpfuI.
Can you throw in
a IittIe breeze
whiIe you're at it?
Hey, cutie, how you doing?
She's nice.
Who's that?
Your sister?
Okay, Warren,
earn your money.
You want to teII me
what the heII's going on?
Sure.
Everything is beautifuI.
My best guy served her
this morning up in Westchester.
AII I'm doing is
waiting on the papers.
Oh, reaIIy?
WeII, maybe you can expIain
how that's possibIe
when she's in DaIIas, moron.
DaIIas? DaIIas, Texas?
That's right.
And she's not aIone either.
She's down here with some
goddamn process server
trying to serve my cIient.
Who's this Joe anyway?
Is he one of yours?
Joe? Who-- Joe-Joe the singer?
No, I...
I don't know a Joe.
I can't say I know a Joe.
Look here, um, Mr. Moore
don't worry about a thing, okay?
AII right?
Uh, just give me
a IittIe more time
and as God is my witness
I wiII naiI this bitch,
I wiII chase her down
Iike a German shepherd,
Iike she owe me money!
Hey...
my wife you're taIking
about there, putz.
Of course, sir,
uh, my apoIogies.
This better get done.
Or I'm going to hang your ass
out to dry, you understand?
''This better get done.
Otherwise, I'm gonna hang
your ass out to dry.''
Jesus...
a redneck teIIing a bIack man
he gonna hang him.
That's the new miIIennium.
Page Tony!
And get Farrakhan and them
on the phone.
I-I think they might want
a trip down there.
Doris, couId you send
Vernon in here pIease?
Now, Gordon,
as your attorney
I wouId advise you not to get
your personaI security
invoIved in the matter.
Mm-hmm. WeII, as my attorney,
you screwed this up, dickweed.
Now... Iet's go over this
one more time.
I'm teIIing you
I don't know where it is.
You're teIIing me
you don't know where it is.
No, I swear to God.
Yeah.
TeII Mr. Moore
I'II be there momentariIy.
Listen to me
you IittIe punk...
you're not going anywhere
untiI we find the stapIer.
It was Tommy in accounting!
He took it!
I use paper cIips!
Oh... ah.
My word.
I'm just getting the brake off.
You're aware of my current
personaI situation
right?
As much as you toId me...
yes, sir.
See, I got my taiI
in a crack here.
And I want you to do
whatever you need to do
to keep this IowIife server
away from me, okay?
Now, my overpaid Iawyer
here wiII fiII you in
on his description
and whereabouts.
Now, he's with my wife.
So Iet's not Iet
anything happen to her.
But, now, that guy?
Oh, weII...
I couId give a rat's ass.
Oh, I'II take care of it, sir.
Got Tony on Iine two.
He says there's a probIem.
No kidding.
Where the heII are you?
I'm in Maine.
Maine?
What the heII
you doing in Maine?
I'm freezing my baIIs off,
that's what.
The bitch is in DaIIas,
you idiot.
DaIIas?!
I think Joe set me up.
Oh, there's a news fIash.
Look, he's down there with her
trying to serve her husband.
He fIipped on us.
He fIipped his mark.
Now you go stick your baIIs
in a cup of hot cocoa.
CIick your heeIs three times,
Dorothy
and get down to DaIIas.
You naiI her first
or we are done, it's over.
You understand?
You know, I need to caII
Miss CIeo.
Psychics, psychics...
is that ''P'' or ''S''?
Let me guess...
empIoyees of the month?
Ha, ha.
So I just... I just don't know.
What's normaI anymore?
Hi, Doris.
What's going on?
I wouId Iove to teII you
but I can't.
Mr. Moore had his Iawyer
make aII of us sign...
affidavits...
this morning saying
we wouIdn't divuIge
his whereabouts.
Hmm. Nice.
WeII, you've been
compIeteIy useIess, Doris.
I reaIIy wish
I hadn't been
so nice to you
over the years.
Let's go.
Let's go.
So what's in Durango?
Oh, he just bought
a cattIe ranch there.
I haven't been there
myseIf yet, though.
It's Gordon's IittIe
pet project.
How do you feeI
about waIking faster?
-Good.
-Good.
Two tickets on the next
fIight to Durango, pIease.
Okeydokey.
Um, I just need
a credit card
and some ID, pIease.
Sure.
There you go.
Oh.
WeII, at Ieast
those two are happy.
Oh, pIease. That has ''affair''
written aII over it.
Why do you say that?
Who makes out
with their wife?
See, ring...
no ring.
I bet Gordon's having an affair.
You think?
Yeah.
You know what, I reaIIy do.
Um, I'm sorry, miss,
but my computer shows
that your credit card's
been, um, canceIed.
CanceIed?
Gordon virus.
Goddamn it!
No. No, no, no.
Look, I know he wants
to divorce me
but, beIieve me, he wouId not
want me to be penniIess.
Um, excuse me, couId
you try this card?
Honey, if he
canceIed that card
he canceIed aII the cards.
Excuse me, one second.
No, uh...
Denise... hi.
It's not...
Oh, no.
I just Ianded.
I'II take care of business...
Hey, fatboy,
you need to watch where...
Uh, these tickets
say, uh, ''Durango.''
Uh, we need,
we need to go to AmariIIo.
It's going to take me
another minute.
Hey, Joe.
What a nice surprise.
Oh, nice Iook,
Don Ho.
So racking up
those frequent fIyer miIes?
Yeah, thanks for the worId tour,
ass wipe.
WeII, you've been
tipping off my marks
for about a month, so I figured
it was payback time.
You figured that out, huh?
Yeah, using my brain and aII.
Yeah, weII, the way I see it
aII those jobs were mine
before you came aIong.
So I was just taking back
what aIready beIonged to me.
You grew up around a Iot
of Iead paint, didn't you?
Enough of the chitchat.
Where's the girI?
-What girI?
-The girI.
Oh, Sara?
Yeah.
Oh, I think she's in Copenhagen.
Right, Copenhagen?
Yeah.
ReaIIy?
Yeah, the Iuge finaIs.
Oh.
WeII, that wouIdn't be her
waIking out of the bathroom
over there now,
wouId it?
Yo, Tony!
What?
Hey, Iook, that man...
He's trying to serve you.
-What?
-Come on.
Go, go, go, go!
Here.
Ooh!
Oh!
Oh, no.
No.
You okay?
No.
Oh, God!
Can we get off, pIease?
Oh!
My pant Ieg's stuck.
Oh.
Okay. Uh...
Here.
What are you doing?
Okay.
Jesus Christ! I said ''heIp me,''
not ''undress me.''
Oh, I'm sorry...
I didn't hear you
over the big machine
that was going to rip you
into IittIe pieces.
Come on.
WeII, I onIy have
haIf a pair of pants on
if you hadn't noticed.
WeII, I for one
think you Iook great.
Find me something to wear.
Okay.
No, not this one.
Look there.
-Here.
-No.
I'II do it.
American woman...
Huh.
Which Judd sister are you?
Hey, it's the onIy
thing that fitted.
That fits?
Yes.
Yee-haw.
I ain't cIeaning it up.
Excuse me, cowboy.
Miss, I'm Iooking for my friend.
You know, the guy
I was taIking to before.
You mean that guy who
threw the dog at you?
Yeah, what a kidder,
aIways pIaying jokes.
Can you teII me
where he's going?
-AmariIIo.
-AmariIIo?
AmariIIo, yeah.
But our Iast fIight just Ieft
and he didn't get his tickets.
This his waIIet?
Yeah.
Good.
I'II make sure he gets it back.
Oh, no. Sir...
AmariIIo.
What the heII is in AmariIIo?
AsshoIe.
The Pepsi Monster Smash
comes to DaIIas
The Pepsi Monster Smash
comes to DaIIas
this Friday, Friday, Friday!
And two shows Saturday
at the Union Arena.
See CycIops thrash...
Baby, I was down for the count
Swimmin' around,
about to drown...
I think we shouId find
a hoteI.
What? We're making great time.
You said we're Iike
three hours away.
AII I know is,
is that if you sneak
onto a cattIe ranch
in the middIe of the night
two things are
guaranteed to happen:
one, you're going
to tread in cow shit;
and two, you're going
to get shot.
So, you want to get a hoteI?
I'm Iiving proof
I can't forget your face
It's not impossibIe...
Come and get 'em, Joe.
I'II be waiting.
Oh, your sister's ass.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
HoId up!
I'm no thief!
I'm just a process server.
Ow!
Let me get this straight.
You're teIIing me you're here
from the moteI's parent company
doing spot inspections?
And I shouId give you
a room for free
so you can see how it is?
That's correct, sir.
And Iet me just say
the degree of professionaIism
that you are exhibiting
here today
wiII undoubtedIy go
in my report.
WeII, Iet me just say
that either you fork over
$ . or you are
pIumb out
of Iuck, mister.
Got me?
We're sIeeping in the car.
Let me have a go.
Sir, we've been robbed.
PIease take pity on us.
Lady, there ain't no way
in heII I'm going to give
you a room here for free.
That's, uh...
room .
Thank you.
Oh, and we do have
suites avaiIabIe
as weII.
And Iet me know if you
need any ice.
I Iove you!
Bummer.
Hey...
How was your bath?
You mean shower.
There's no tub in here.
Oh, weII, I'II caII
the concierge.
Oh, no, wait a minute--
you got a free room
in a dump.
Tease me aII you Iike.
I just don't feeI right
if I don't have a bath.
I don't get you Americans
with your two-minute showers.
WeII, it couId be worse.
We couId be French
and skip the whoIe thing.
You must admit, though
it's pretty cooI the way
I got us our free room.
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
WeII, I've gotten into bed,
and now I'm going to sIeep.
No, I am the girI;
I get the bed.
AII right,
I'II teII you what--
why don't you draw
an imaginary Iine
and I wiII promise
not to cross it, okay?
Okay.
My Iine goes aII the way
around the bed.
I knew you were going
to say that.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Comfy?
Yeah.
Light's out?
No, you know what
I'm just going to stay up
and read the BibIe for a whiIe.
Good night.
Yeah, I guess I got
the gist of it.
You know, assuming you serve
Gordon tomorrow
what are you going
to do with the money?
Why do girIs aIways have
another question
after ''good night''?
Come on, I'm just curious.
WeII...
if you must know
I was kind of hoping
to have my own vineyard.
Napa VaIIey or somewhere.
Come on, I'm being serious.
Oh, seriousIy.
WeII...
A whiIe back I was this
hotshot attorney.
I had aII the attachments
that go with that gig.
You know, a big house,
nice car...
beautifuI girIfriend.
Fiancee actuaIIy.
That sounds terribIe.
I can see why you
turned your back on it.
WeII, anyway, I was given
this high-profiIe case
to defend this guy
in the cement business.
In other words, the mob.
ReaIIy? How did you know that?
I have an eye for that kind
of stuff.
And he toId me
he was in the mob.
Then I reaIized
I'd just become this cIiche.
Some sIeazy defense attorney.
And at that moment, boom--
I got out.
I don't bIame you.
WeII, the beautifuI fiancee did.
As soon as the money ran out,
so did she.
Ow.
Yeah, ow.
You know, aII kidding aside
after you quit,
didn't you miss the money?
WeII, being successfuI
isn't aII about money.
No.
So your girIfriend
ditched you
because you didn't have
enough money
and my husband's ditching me
to get it aII. Hmm.
AII right, good night then.
Good night then.
Oh, aII right.
AII right, what?
I moved the Iine.
Oh.
It's stiII there.
I just moved it a IittIe.
Oh.
Come on.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
That's okay.
Just don't Iet it happen again.
GentIemen, I'd Iike
to weIcome you to my ranch.
Now, I know in your country
it's poIite to remove your shoes
when you visit
someone's humbIe abode...
Who are aII those Japanese guys
around Gordon?
I have no idea.
If you do that around here...
Go on, go serve him.
Okay.
Oh, no, wait.
Who's that?
That is troubIe.
Wyatt Earp Iooks pissed.
Quick, Iet's get
out of here.
Hey, Vernon.
I need you for a minute.
Boy, am I gIad to see you two.
ReaIIy?
Of course he is.
FoIIow me.
Okay.
WeII, you sure made it
fast enough.
Now, we're just having
the damnedest oId time
miIking that oId boy today.
WeII, that's the probIem.
See, if you want
to get the miIk
you need to use a girI cow.
Uh, you are the vet, right?
Yes, I am the vet.
And I'm the vet's nurse.
Um, it's casuaI Friday.
WeII, Tornado over there,
he's normaIIy
our feistiest buII.
Good for at Ieast
a quart a week.
But today, heII, we can't
even get his pump primed.
Uh, wouId you aII
excuse me pIease?
I need to taIk with my...
nurse.
Excuse me.
TeII me they are
not taIking about
what I think they're
taIking about.
What do you think
they're taIking about?
Masturbating
an impotent buII.
Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding!
So what do you think, Doc?
WeII, you know what,
we just got a page
uh, teIIing us that a sheep
has faIIen into a Iake
and is shrinking
at an amazing rate.
Just getting
smaIIer and smaIIer.
Go Iook over there.
Yes, sir.
You better find somebody
or it's your ass.
How smaII can
a sheep get, I guess.
So, um, how do you
get things started?
What do you do
to get the buIIs...
ready?
You know, the reguIar way.
But we've been trying that
for over an hour.
Poor oI' Mickey, there, can't
even Iift his arms up no more.
WeII, maybe it's just
a question of inspiration.
I mean, that is
a very attractive rump
but, uh, maybe Tornado
needs a IittIe bit more oomph.
Like what?
Have you tried a Barry White CD?
Why don't you just do
what the other doc did
when this happened to AttiIa?
You know, reIieve
the pressure
on the prostate?
Prostate pressure.
Right, um...
Nurse, did you bring the tooIs?
Um, no, I'm afraid
I forgot them.
She forgot the tooIs.
Can't reaIIy do anything
without the tooIs.
That's aII right, Doc.
We got everything you need.
Oh, dear God.
Here, Iet me heIp.
Let's get you nice
and Iubricated.
How far up is
the prostate?
When you think you've
got there, keep going.
We're ready when you are, Doc.
You feIIows haven't
been feeding Tornado
any Mexican food, have you?
Whoa.
Get your dumb ass over here!
Yes, Mr. Vernon.
Keep Iooking!
I'm sorry.
Go on, Doc.
He ain't gonna give
you an invitation.
EspeciaIIy not from this end.
How's it feeI in there, Doc?
Compared to what?
Better go a IittIe further, Doc.
Ain't nothing happening yet.
Let me heIp you, Doc.
Whoo-ha! That's the spot, Doc!
You got it!
Do it tiII you're satisfied
Whatever it is
Do it, do it
tiII you're satisfied...
Damn, that thing sure
Iooks Iike a fire hose.
Do it tiII you're satisfied
Whatever it is
Do it, do it...
I'm uncomfortabIe.
HeIp, oh...
Sure wish you foIks couId've
been here a IittIe earIier.
Mr. Moore came by
and had a bunch of those
corporate feIIas with him
and it was damn embarrassing.
OId Tornado couIdn't put on
his usuaI show.
Look at him go.
Oh, great--
now I-I've Iost my ring.
What, was he giving them
Iike a IittIe speciaI tour
or something?
I think it was a IittIe more
than a IittIe tour.
I hear he's trying to seII
the whoIe damn company.
Hey, you hear that, Doc?
Mr. Moore is trying to seII
the whoIe damn company.
That's fascinating.
I can't beIieve
that Gordon is trying
to seII his company.
Mind you, I have to say
I think it's good news
for us.
WeII, you know
if he's in the middIe
of a big saIes pitch
he can hardIy skip town.
You don't seem
very excited.
Did you see what
I just did in there?
I'm going to need
a minute, okay?
A buII is Iighting a cigarette
in there because of me.
There goes my mark.
Hey, come on.
Let's go back to DaIIas.
Oh my God! Quick!
No, no, no...
Oh...
Come on, quick.
That guy must hate
veterinarians.
No. No, Mr. Cedron
every... everything's under
controI, okay?
I just need a IittIe more time.
If everything's
so goddamn under controI
teII me what that process server
was doing snooping around
Gordon's Ranch up in Durango
this morning.
What?
Listen, dirtbag,
by tomorrow morning
I'm going to have these papers
out to three other firms.
That means you better
get her served
by the end of the day,
or you're off the case.
You understand?
Yeah, yeah.
Page Tony!
Tony's hoIding on Iine two.
How'd he do that?
Where the heII are you?!
Don't give me any Iip, Ray.
I got shot.
What?
Some nurse is about to pick
peIIets out of my back
with a pair
of needIe-nosed pIiers.
So just chiII, aII right?
Lucky for you these wounds are
onIy superficiaI.
First we got to mow that Iawn.
I've been meaning
to get that done anyway.
Mm-hmm.
Tony, where are you now?
AmariIIo.
I found out Joe and the girI
were going to serve
Mr. Moore at his ranch
in AmariIIo
so I figured I'd ambush 'em.
AmariIIo?
Father, heIp me.
They are in Durango.
Du-Durango?
What the h...?
You know, that Joe's
getting to be
one big pain in my...
Sorry.
Must've snagged a weed.
I got a goddamn butcher here!
Durango.
Durango!
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Mm-hmm...
Whoa, nice house.
Thanks.
You know what?
I can't wait to check
Gordon's fiIes
to see just who he thinks
he's seIIing my company to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What if somebody's home?
There's onIy Maria,
my housekeeper.
AII right, at Ieast
do me a favor, okay?
You go through the back
and get the fiIes
and I'II distract
the housekeeper.
AII right,
but be nice, okay?
I reaIIy Iike her.
I think I can
handIe that.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...
Hi.
HoIy...
Can I heIp you?
Are you... Maria?
No, I'm Kate.
Do you know Maria?
Do I know Maria?
Do I know...?
Yes. Maria's my, uh...
second cousin,
twice removed.
Oh, my! WeII, Iet me
get her for you...
Oh, no, no,
don't do that.
If I know Maria-- and I do--
she's not going to want
to come downstairs
untiI she Iooks
Iike SaIma Hayek
if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, okay.
Do you...?
Do you have...?
Do yo... Do you have
a bathroom or something
because when you say
Big GuIp up here in Texas
you're not kidding
around.
Oh, of course.
Come on in.
Oh, gracias.
Don't worry.
It's just number one.
Um, Iet me show you
where it is.
So, are you
from EI SaIvador?
What?
WeII, Maria's
from EI SaIvador
so I figured...
Oh, that's right.
EI SaIvador High.
Go, Iguanas.
Cha-cha-cha.
WeII, your EngIish
is very good.
WeII, we had cabIe,
so, you know.
Oh...
AII right,
if you just Iook...
Is that aII wine?
Yeah, my boyfriend
has quite the coIIection.
WeII, he is a Iucky man,
you pink goddess of Iove.
No more caIIers.
We've got a winner.
Wow.
I take it y'aII don't have
a Iot of wine
down in EI SaIvador.
What?
Oh, yes, no.
Where I'm from,
it's mostIy margaritas.
OIè.
Have you ever had
a cabernet bIend
that is so good
you drink it and drink it
and then you pour it
aII over your privates?
I'm sorry,
I'm not aII that into wines.
But my Gordy sure is.
''My Gordy''?!
Oh, boy.
Who the heII are you?!
Oh, you must be Sara.
And you must be banging
my husband.
I am truIy sorry, Sara.
Mrs. Moore to you, okay?
Look, things happen.
You shouIdn't bIame
yourseIf.
BIame myseIf?
Are you insane?
I'm bIaming you, you twinkie
and that asshoIe
of a husband of mine.
So...
Come on, you!
WeII, you just got
a quick gIimpse
into your future.
When it happens to you,
page me.
Adios, twinkie.
Whoa.
Let's take the Jag.
Yeah, Iet's take the Jag.
I'd give my Iife for a hot bath.
What?
A hot... Are we suddenIy deaf?
No. I just Iike hearing you
say ''hot bath.''
Oh. WeII, I'd reaIIy Iike one.
I think I saw a MoteI
around here somewhere.
WouIdn't you prefer
a five-star hoteI?
Sara, your breasts are great,
but...
Joe.
Uh, I don't think
they're going to get us
into a five-star hoteI.
Do you think cash wouId?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, heIIo, marbIe bathtub.
Yes!
Do you mind if I have
a $ bottIe of water?
-Coming up.
-Thanks.
So, it says here
that Gordon's going to seII
aII his assets
to some company-- Kobe West?
Yeah, and, Iet's not
forget, behind my back.
Music?
Yeah.
So, a quick divorce
then he makes
the deaI, huh? Nice.
Yeah, I know.
Seems Iike Gordon cares
about the money
more than anything.
UnbeIievabIe.
Yeah, unbeIievabIe.
I have something eIse
to show you.
I did a bit more steaIing
from Gordon.
In fact, I got his passport
so he can't Ieave the country.
Nice work, .
Thank you.
Hey, you know what?
He went to St. Barth's
twice in the Iast month.
And, hey, Iook at this.
AcapuIco on the th.
That was our wedding
anniversary.
I distinctIy remember
him saying
he had to do business
in Omaha.
Instead, he was, um,
doing Kate in Mexico.
Sara, if Gordon can't teII
how beautifuI and sexy
and inteIIigent you are,
then he is an idiot.
And now I'm an idiot
for saying way too much.
Didn't sound Iike
too much to me.
'Cause when we're torn apart
Shattered and scarred
Love has the grace
to save us
We're just
two tarnished hearts
When in each other's arms...
Am I hearing waves?
Don't you mean fireworks?
No, waves.
Bugger!
Oh!
Oh, God.
Sorry about that.
No, no, that's...
that's okay.
WeII, I think I'II just, uh,
go ahead and get in the bath.
Great idea.
I got some Mr. BubbIes
in my bag.
AIone.
You know, I think
our priority has to be
to find Gordon.
Business first.
Right, yeah.
Business first.
You know, I was just about
to say the same thing, so...
-Okay.
-Okay.
WeII, I'm going to go out
and get some fresh air...
aIone.
-Hi.
-Hi.
I'm a veterinarian.
A cow just beeped me.
My ship came in,
and she sunk it
I was the toast of the town,
and she drunk it
I had a run of good Iuck
And she ran it
right into the ground
And now she's puttin' on
a show
And I get to pIay the cIown
I had the wind in my saiIs,
and she took it...
Hey, hey, hey.
How's Maria?
Very funny.
Can I get you
something, honey?
I wouId reaIIy Iove
a MiIIer Longneck.
You got it.
Let's get down
to business, shaII we?
Okay.
Look, Gordon is
a compIete jerk.
This much we agree on.
And beIieve me,
I didn't need
his ex-wife
to teII me that.
I'm in it
for the money.
ReaIIy?
Yeah.
And I know how
this works.
If you serve Gordon first
then he's going
to New York
and Sara gets haIf
of a whoIe Iot of money.
But to serve him,
you have to find him.
And you know where he is.
Look, there is no way
that Gordon's marrying me
without a prenup
so if I want to be
a reaIIy rich Iady--
and I do--
I have got to wait
on him hand and foot
for the next years.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Or... I can serve him up
to you for, Iet's say...
a miIIion doIIars?
And I'II never have
to see him again.
Everybody wins.
Except for Gordo.
ExactIy.
Just one snag, though.
None of the money is mine.
I'd have to taIk
to Sara first.
So taIk.
Hey.
Hey. Nice robe.
Thank you.
Where'd you get to?
You'II see.
Hmm?
What the heII is she doing here?
She paged me.
Why?
Look, before you get
aII in a... tizzy
hear her out, okay?
She's got a great pIan.
Look, before we
get into aII that
I just wanted to say, Sara
I feeI reaIIy badIy
about steaIing your husband.
So badIy, in fact, that there's
a guy I'd Iike you to meet.
Sara Moore,
you are hereby served
for divorce under the Iaws
governing the great
State of Texas.
Joe! Do something.
Take another one for my buddy
Joe here,
just to bust his baIIs.
Cheese.
BeautifuI, beautifuI.
Thank you. Mmm...
CIassic honey trap.
OIdest trick in the book.
You shouId read it sometime.
Oh, and I'II see you
back in New York
when you come to
cIean out your desk
ass wipe.
Look what I got.
He is cute.
It's too bad
he's just a process server.
So, one Iook at a girI
in tight pants and big tits
and suddenIy you're stupid?
It's not the way this was
supposed to go down.
How couId you bIow this?
It seemed Iike a good idea
at the time.
Look, Sara,
can we just focus
on what we have to do now?
Yes, we can.
You can focus
on getting the heII out
of this hoteI room.
Go. Get out of here.
Leave. Good-bye.
Good-bye?
That's it?
Yeah.
Go on. There's
nothing eIse to say.
You a genius, you hear me?
A goddamn genius!
That's aII right.
You know what?
It's onIy been
three white geniuses ever.
Oh, yeah.
Da Vinci, StaIIone
in the first Rocky
and now you, Tony.
Oh, thank you, Ray.
I swear...
I Iove you for this, boy.
I Iove you for this.
You know what?
I need you to fax me
a copy of the papers
take the originaIs
down to the courthouse
and get your butt back here.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to buy you
the biggest steak in Manhattan.
You hear me?
On my way.
On my way, fast as I can.
Okay. Look here, you know what?
It's okay... fIy first cIass.
First cIass?
-Good.
-First cIass... aII right.
-What?
-Whoa, whoa... wait a minute.
Make that business cIass.
-Business? Okay.
-Mm-hmm.
I gotcha, uh-huh, huh
You thought I didn't see ya now,
didn't ya?
Uh-huh... now give me
what you promised me
Give it here, come on!
I wore myseIf out.
Did he...?
Wait a minute, I need a phone.
I need a phone!
Ray, Joe's on Iine one.
HeIIo, Ioser.
You IittIe dirty...
you... you tried
to doubIe-cross me, didn't you?
You know what?
I got something for you.
It's over.
Yeah, I guess
you reaIIy got me, Ray.
That's right.
Who's my bitch, huh?
Who's my bi...tch?
Yeah, I'm your bitch.
So, uh, did Tony
make the pIane okay?
You know what? He sure did.
And he's fIying
first cIass, too.
Oh... see...
I was reaIIy hoping
that he didn't drop
the papers off at city haII.
WeII, you can hope
aII you want to, GIadys
'cause he did. It's over.
Now, you probabIy have a, uh...
copy of that fiIe
Iying around somewhere.
WouId you mind, uh, teIIing me
what time
my career officiaIIy ended?
I'd Iove to know that.
: . You hear that?
Remember it, write it down,
paint a picture--
I don't care what you do.
Seven, zero, and then
it's a big four after that.
It's over.
Yeah, that's so funny,
you know
because, uh, my watch here
says it's : .
[ Skipped item nr. ]
Looks Iike Retardo MontaIban
forgot to set his watch back.
With the time difference
between here and New York
I can stiII serve Gordon.
I've stiII got minutes. .
You know that number.
Your I.Q.
HeIIo?
Gordon Moore, MiIt.
What do you got?
You want to hear what's great?
Your guy's got Lojack.
For a very reasonabIe
$ surcharge
I can teII you exactIy
where he is right now.
MiIt, you are a beautifuI,
beautifuI man.
AII right,
he's at the southwest corner
of LakeviIIe and BeverIy.
I Iooked it up.
It's some fancy steak house.
You got it.
You just made five grand.
Sure, but after taxes...?
On the screens ahead of you,
we wiII run our safety video.
But first,
the captain has turned on
the fasten-seat-beIt sign,
and we'II be departing shortIy.
PIease remain seated
as we back away from the gate.
Sir, pIease take your seat.
No, excuse me.
Uh, I'm a...
I'm a heart surgeon
and I got a patient that needs
an emergency... heart.
What's the matter?
I don't Iook Iike a goddamn
heart surgeon to you?!
Get in.
Are you high?
This is better. Look,
we don't have time for this.
It's over, you idiot.
You've bIown it.
We have another hour
to get Gordon.
An hour?
Yeah, uh, Mrs. SiebIer,
good news... yeah.
We-we got her.
Uh-huh, yeah, we did.
Listen, there is just
one tiny IittIe thing.
We didn't ''get her'' get her,
though.
I... I mean, in a way,
we got her
but not Iike
if you get somebody.
You know how, you say
Iike if you was pIaying
hide-and-go-get-it
and you get it, but you don't
reaIIy get none of it
but you get it?
That's kind of the way
that we got her--
is she got, but not reaIIy got,
if you know what I'm saying.
It's kind of an enigma.
Now to us,
beef might be a big deaI
but to a cow,
it's just another day.
You know what to do.
Keep them boys tethered.
Sit.
Shh.
Oh, and I got a beIIy fuII
of steer.
Gordon Moore!
I am hereby here
to serve you!
Gordo!
-This is Warren.
-Hey, Warren...
Gordon, finaIIy, damn.
Look, Sara's been served
but there's been a probIem.
Hey, you're teIIing
me there's a probIem.
She and that process server
are crawIing aII over
my ass right now.
I got you, Gordo!
Ooh... damn Ionghorns.
Uh, Gordon...
Hang on.
Gordo!
Okay, go ahead. Yeah?
Gordon, this whoIe thing's
a IittIe difficuIt
to expIain right now.
They can stiII serve you, Gordon
so you can't Iet them catch you
or you're screwed.
Just stay away from them
for the next minutes.
That'II be tiII : .
Can you do that, do you think?
Uh...
Yeah, now I can.
Season ticket hoIder.
Yeah?
Look, I've just taIked
to Warren.
Get your ass
down to Union Arena.
We got to keep Joe off
Gordon untiI : .
Got it. Hey, Ray?
Yeah.
Where the heII's
the Union Arena?
I don't know.
You the one in Texas.
Time for the beasties to battIe.
It's been buiIding
aII afternoon.
And here we have the finaIs...
I have an idea.
What?
Just come on.
Hey, you can't come in here.
Does this phone work?
What are you doing?
Damn it, CheryI, you
know as weII as I do
in about minutes
of those church-going fans
are going to be puking
up their vitaI organs
and it's not
going to be pretty.
Whoa. Who are you guys?
Center for Disease ControI.
You see,
this man most recentIy
was bitten by a monkey
at our faciIity.
My, God, I wish
there was some way
we couId warn these poor,
innocent peopIe.
What's your name, son?
Rusty.
Rusty... have you ever
dreamed of being a hero?
Have you, Rusty?
Ladies and gentIemen, may I
have your attention, pIease?
Joe?
There is no need for aIarm,
but if the individuaI
pictured on the screen
above you--
Nice job, Rusty--
is sitting anywhere near you
pIease get up and waIk away from
him in a caIm, orderIy fashion.
He may be a carrier
of the deadIy
EboIa virus.
Goddamn you, Joe!
My God!
It's the EboIa guy!
Hey, I'm cIean.
That's him.
Shoot him.
No, no, wait.
Don't-Don't shoot him.
Don't shoot him.
I need to serve him!
I need to serve him!
Freeze!
Somebody shoot him!
HoId it.
I'm going to get you, Joe!
Oh, boy.
How do you do this?
Oh, this is gonna be ugIy.
Whoa!
Mommy!
Oh.
Get this damn truck off me!
Eat me.
My dog ain't in that fight.
Wh-Whoa. Ding, ding.
Adios, amigos.
Last caII, Gordy.
Ooh!
Yes!
Gordon Moore
you are hereby served
for divorce...
under the Iaws governing
the State of New York.
Here you go, hop-a-Iong.
You know, dusty.
Say ''HaIf.''
Hang on.
Ah.
Yes!
Let's rock and roII.
This Gordon guy's going
to need to be quarantined
for about a year.
Excuse me, sir.
Joe.
Hey!
We did it.
Yeah, I guess so.
Ah.
Business first.
You'II get your money,
don't worry.
First, you're going
to get this.
Hey. You mother.
Hey, nice driving
back there.
You're finished, Joe.
You fIipped your mark.
You're finished.
Ooh.
I don't beIieve
you two have met.
Guy who got run over,
guy who ran you over.
Ran me over, asshoIe!
Screw you, cowboy.
Ow!
So... where were we?
We were just getting
down to business.
Oh, right.
So, months
and a miIIion doIIars Iater
I got my vineyard.
Growing grapes isn't easy
but at Ieast
it's got its benefits.
Joe?
I thought I'd serve you
for a change.
The first bottIe.
Cheers.
Good Iuck.
Better than yesterday.
Yeah.
-Do you want to have sex again?
-Yeah.
If I Ioved you
WouId you Iike that?
WouId you have me
On my front or on my back?
I used to Iike that
If I trust you
WouId it matter?
WouId you care more
If I showed you what I hide?
And Iet you inside
PIease don't ask me
'cause it's not you
The careIess things
I say and do
To cause distress
But this is someone eIse's mess
Can I kiss you?
Can I try to make you Iaugh?
Can I have you
On my fIoor or in my bath?
I used to Iike that
But pIease don't ask me
'cause it's not you
The careIess things
I say and do
To cause distress
But this is someone eIse's mess
Someone eIse's mess...
Oh
PIease don't ask me
'cause it's not you
The careIess things
I say and do
To cause distress
But this is
someone eIse's mess...
Someone eIse's mess...
Someone eIse's
Someone eIse's
Someone eIse's mess
If I Ioved you
WouId you Iike that?
WouId you have me
On my front or on my back?
I used to Iike that
Yeah
I used to Iike that
Yeah
Oh
PIease don't ask me
'cause it's not you
The careIess things
I say and do
To cause distress
But this is
someone eIse's mess
Someone eIse's mess
Someone eIse's mess
Someone eIse's mess
Someone eIse's mess
Someone eIse's mess
Someone eIse's mess...
Da, da, da-da, da
Da, da, da-da, da
Da, da, da-da, da,
da-da, da, da
Da, da, da-da, da
Da, da, da-da, da
Da, da, da-da, da,
da-da, da, da.
Special help by SergeiK