Serving Sara Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Serving Sara script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Matthew Perry and Elizabeth Hurley movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Serving Sara. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Serving Sara Script





My job sucks.



Got no future, got no benefits.



I'm here to pIay.



Oh, yeah? Who are you?



Who am I...?



I'm on the Iist.



Show me the Iist.



I'II point me out.



Yeah. There is no Iist.



CharIes Lazaro invited me.



Oh, so what you're teIIing me



is that you're a friend

of Fat CharIie's?



WeII, I'm not a friend

Iike the doughnut guy



but, yeah, we're friends.



WeII, we got

a IittIe probIem here, paI.



Fat CharIie has no friends.



You know what?



I think we got off

on the wrong foot here.






Mr. Thug?












Going down.






You crafty son of a bitch.



You reaIIy think you were



going to get away

with this, huh?



Step back a coupIe feet,

wiII you?



My name's Bond.



Barry Bond... s.






You got a IittIe something...



right, uh...



WhiIe he was schemin'



I was beamin' in the Beemer,

just beamin'



Can't beIieve that I caught

my man cheatin'



So I found another way

to make him pay for it aII



Hey, Iadies...



Look at the paper.



Sir, there is a $    minimum.



Right, of course.






How embarrassing.



Oh, when you go,

then everything goes



From the crib to the ride...



Here we go.



There's-there's   ...



And that's...



uh, yeah.









Hey, Iadies, when ya man

wanna get buckwiId



Just go back

and hit 'em up styIe



Get your hands on his cash,

and spend to the Iast dime



For aII the hard times



Oh, when you go,

then everything goes...



Whoa, whoa, whoa.



What are you doing there,

PoIyester PauI?



Excuse me, sir?



You're deaIing

from the bottom of the deck.



This man is deaIing from

the bottom of the deck.



Did you see that?



See what?



Okay, we aII caught you.



Is there a probIem, sir?



Yes, there's a probIem.

Three Card Monty, here



is deaIing

from the bottom of the deck.



I assure you, sir,

that's impossibIe.



Oh, reaIIy?



If it's impossibIe,

then how come



he deaIt himseIf a perfect...






Sir, why don't you

step this way?



We'II sort this out.



Don't you know who I am?



No, I don't know who you are.



Okay, weII, why don't you find

somebody who does?



AII right, Zorro?






Iooks Iike today's

your Iucky day.



I know who you are.



See? He knows who I am.



Oh, yeah.



You're the guy

that's Ieaving here tonight



in the trunk of my car.



Let me guess.

Fat CharIie, right?



That's right, moron.



Now, Iisten to me.



Nobody accuses my joint

of cheating, you got that?



Yeah, weII... I do.



And I got the pictures

to prove it.



See for yourseIf.



There ain't no pictures here.



CharIes Lazaro,

you're hereby served to appear



as a witness in the racketeering

triaI of Freddie Marcuso.



What are you?



Some kind of a wacko?



Serving me papers

in my own joint?



Rip his juguIar vein out.



Okay, Lieutenant.



If I'm not out

in    seconds



send in your boys.



Okay, Joe. Roger that.






It's a pIeasure serving you.



And, you!



-Eat something.




You don't fit in.






Nice work, kiddo.



Next time, you hurry up.



I'm freezing my

ass off out here.



Here you go.






And, hey, don't spend



aII that on candy.



Son of a bitch.






Oh, oh, yeah



Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...



It took you six days

to serve this guy.



Six freaking days.



Hey, he disappeared on me.



A guy named Fat CharIie

disappeared on you?



Poof, Puff the Magic

Dragon, just gone?



Poof, bye-bye?



And I guess you mean to teII me



you ain't seen

the ChrysIer BuiIding



on your way over

here, either?



If you want to spend your Iife

chasing nickeI and dime papers



you go right ahead.



Ray, the guy was



a difficuIt mark,

and I served him cIean.



What eIse do you want?



You know what I want?



I want you to be more

Iike Tony, here.



WeII, that's impossibIe.

I waIk upright.



What are you saying?



I don't have good posture?



I'm saying

you're a NeanderthaI.



And I'm saying kiss my ass.



My mouth's not big enough.



Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Look.



You see this?



I gave Tony this fiIe

two hours ago.



It's done.



What's going on with you, Joe?



You used to be

my money guy, my assassin.



Now in the time it takes you



to do one job,

Wop-aIong Cassidy, here



serves seven papers.



It wouId have been eight



but I Iet Joe have

that one in Miami.



The onIy reason that is



is the mook can't take Miami.



It's too damn hot down there.



Miami's not a city. It's

a steam room with mosquitoes.



Oh, that's great, Tony.

You're a reguIar



process-serving savant.



What'd you caII me?



Savant-- that's somebody



who's reaIIy good

at something...



Oh, thanks, Joe.



[ Skipped item nr.     ]



...whiIe being a compIete idiot.






Ladies, pIease!



Yeah, you reaIIy did serve

these reaIIy fast.



In fact, you served

them yesterday.




-What are you taIking about?



What's the date today?



It's the-the tenth.



It's the    th, numnuts.



Give me that.



Goddamn it, Tony!



ReIax, Ray, reIax.

I'II go back



to the courthouse.

I'II refiIe it.



It's the big white buiIding

with the piIIars



in front of it.



Hey, screw you, Joe.



I'm tired of you

caIIing me stupid.



I'm not the one growing a

grapevine in my Iiving room.



This Ioser thinks

he's going to be



Ernest and JuIio

freaking GaIIo.



Ray, do you have

a job for me, or not?



Look, I got one job



right now.



It's an important job

out of Texas.



Pays five grand.



WeII, I was going to give it

to Tony



seeing he's been so hot IateIy.



But now that we know



he can't read

a goddamn caIendar



makes me a IittIe edgy.



So... here.



What? You going

to give it to Joe?



After two months

of screwups?



It's going to take him

ten weeks to serve it.



WeII, thanks for the prediction,




Don't you have a courthouse

to find?



Eat me.



Eat you?



I've never been that hungry

in my Iife.



Listen, Joe.



This is the Texas branch



of my biggest account

here in New York.



This fiIe couId open up

a Iot of out-of-state business



for me, you understand?



It's an easy job.



AII you gotta do is do it fast.



None of that IoIIygagging,

six-day crap on this.



I'm serious.



You got it, boss.



And Iet me just say,

from the bottom of my heart



that suit is kicking.



Get out!



I'm going to go.



You better go.



''Your suit kickin'.''



Shoot, this suit cost me $   .



Adios, good-bye, amigos...



Say, what time is your fIight

again, sweetheart?



It's     :  .



WeII, Iookie there!

Perfect timing.



I am the king.



WeII done, Mr. Cowboy.



That's right, Mama.

Boy, I teII you what.



You're my darIing,

dearest, dearie



darIing gaI, and

I'II teII you what.



Any of them New York boys got

their hands on you, and, ooh!



I wouIdn't know what to do.



WeII, here we are.



Now, hey, you caII me

when you get there?



I wiII.



Oh, I'm sorry.



I Iove you, girI.



I Iove you, too.






You get that, aII right?



WeII, go on.



Have a good time.



Okay. Bye.



I used to crank and drink

untiI my back was to the fIoor



I'd take it to the Iimit,

then I'd try to get some more



And when it came to gambIing...



Hey, you!



Hey, darIing!



Hey, how are you?



Good. Huh?



What'd I teII you?

Perfect timing.



You're the king.



Thank you very much.



Ooh, I missed you.






AII right, aII right,

we're going.



Quick as a hiccup.



Hey, Joe.



No hard feeIings

about before, Joe?






Good Iuck.



Yeah, bIow me.



Yeah, keep dreaming, Joe.



He gets me

with that every time.






Sara Moore?






Listen up.



If I were you,

I'd get the heII out



of your apartment right now.



Who is this?



Let's just say a... a friend.



Look, some asshoIe's on his way

up there to serve you papers.



He's going to say

he's deIivering fIowers.






What? Is this about

my parking tickets?



No, no, no, no.

It's a Iot bigger than that.



Look, I reaIIy don't have

any idea



what you're taIking about, so...



Hey, Iady?



When is getting served papers

ever good, huh?



Don't be stupid.

Hang up, and get out.






Sara Moore?



Um... no, uh...



she's there in  -E.






You know, once that IittIe Iight

goes on, you're good.






Sara, weIcome home!



Why are you caIIing me Sara?









Merry Christmas.















Excuse me. Uh...



Whoa, whoa!



Mrs. Moore.



Do you have an appointment?



I just need to get away

for a sec.



Okay, have a nice day.



Whoa! Creep!



I'd Iike to request...



Sir, can I heIp you?



Sir, this is

a woman's spa, sir.









Either of you two creatures seen

Sara Moore?



Get out!



Hey, you are wrapped

too tight, Iady.



Excuse me, sir.

You cannot...



Hey, Sara, weIcome back.



Why do peopIe keep

caIIing me Sara? I'm not.



Can I heIp you?






Man, sIow down!






I can't beIieve

you messed this up.



I did not mess it up.



I toId you he'd mess it up.



It's a goddamn cakewaIk, Joe.



Look, I chased her aII through



Midtown Manhattan for two hours.



I froze my dick off.









Has anybody informed you,

this job is not easy.



I'm going to find her.



It's not going to be a probIem.



WeII, it aIready is

a probIem.



I'm giving the fiIe

to Tony.






Come on. Give me the papers.



You know what?

I don't know



what the heII I was thinking,

giving you this job



in the first pIace.



Look, you are making

a mistake, Ray.



I know exactIy

where she is.



Good. TeII it to Tony.



Thanks, Boss.



She's up Ray's ass.



You shouId know your way around.















Hey, Joe.



Hey, Lenny.



Santa, you're supposed to give

the gifts, not take them.



Yeah, I got a present for you.



MiIty, I need a favor.






And I need a swoIIen prostate.



I need the fiIe on  - - - .



That's a smaII Uzi



and two viaIs of crack.



-MiIt... MiIt.

-Got it.



Look, can you get me

the addresses



on these speed-diaI

phone numbers, pIease?



Uh, I don't know

if you noticed here



but the ''In'' is winning

by a IandsIide.






Maybe this wiII heIp.



Oh, no.



I think my eyes are going,

because I onIy see    bucks.



How about now?



Oh, there we go.



  -  .



  -  .



Come back at  :  .



 :  ?



That's the best you can do?



Oh, now my hearing's off.



I'II see you at  :  .



Miami Marriott.



Uh, yes, I'd Iike to make

a reservation, pIease.



Under the name... Sara Moore



for a check-in

earIy tomorrow morning.






Thank you.



Now, Iet's see how we did today.



Oh, yeah.



Nice nose...



Better than yesterday.






I'm the idiot.



Nice pIace.



It's good.



Miami Marriott.



Uh, Sara Moore, pIease.



One moment, pIease.



Uh, sir, I'm sorry



but Ms. Moore won't be checking

in untiI tomorrow morning.



Tomorrow morning?



Oh, thank you.



Thank you very much.



I gotcha.



May I heIp you?



You got gas.



Excuse me?



You got Ieakage.



Excuse me?



Not you, Iady.



Your house.



But we have eIectric.



Yeah, I know. That's why

it's kind of a pickIe.



Can I sniff around?



ActuaIIy, no.






Not sniffing any gas,

but I do detect



the smeII of coffee.



You know, I think



you shouId just Ieave.



Yeah, why don't you run

in the kitchen and grab me



a cup of coffee

aII right, cupcake?



Nice pIace you got here.

It's reaI rustic.






Hey, are you okay?

What's going on?



I heard aII that shouting

down there.



Oh, no!



Sara Moore



you are hereby served

for divorce.



Divorce?! What?!






No, hang on. Wait-wait a minute.



You must have

the wrong person.



Um, you must be Iooking



for a different

Sara Moore.



That's what

they aII say.



But I'm happiIy married.



Not anymore.



CouId I get that coffee

to go, uh...?



This is Ray.

Who the heII is this?



Hey, Ray, I'II teII you

who the heII this is.



It's Joe,

so why don't you put



that doughnut down for a second

and Iisten to me.



Guess who I just served.



Sara Moore. That's right.



So get your checkbook out.



And since you took me off

this gig



and I had to do it

on my own time



you better pay me doubIe, okay?



Say good night, sweet prince.



Oh, no.



Look, if you want to use

the phone, just ask.



You served Fat CharIie



now Fat CharIie serves you.



And I'II say we served

him pretty good, too.



So, BrookIyn's in the house?






Oh, my... Sara!



Sara, oh, my God.



You have got to see this.






I don't fit in, huh?



Huh? How about this?



Now do I fit in?



How does that fit, huh?



I'm gIad.



Yo, AIdo, you know, I've been

doing some thinking IateIy.



I'm getting kind of

tired of carpooIing.



How about you?



Yeah, I couId use

a IittIe room myseIf.



You don't mind

there, Petey.



Oh, there's a car

right here.



I couId just take this car, no?



Why not?



You're not taking my car.

That was nothing.



Come on!






Is that aII you got...?



Get over here!



Hey, what are you,

some kind of machinist?



Are you trying to say




What a meathead!






HoId on. HoId on a second.



Your diaper's Ioose.



That's it?!



That's aII you girIs got?!



That was nothing!






Baby's going to take nappy.









Wretched bag.



WeII, weII, there is a God.



ActuaIIy, it was two ItaIians.



Do you have any feeIings?



Do you have any shred

of humanity or compassion?



WeII, IittIe sick dogs puII

at my heartstrings



but certainIy not trophy wives

from AustraIia.






Look, first of aII,

I'm EngIish, you twit.



And second of aII, we've had

our ups and downs



but I stuck it out



and trophy wives

don't do that.



Do you know what?



The guy on the phone was right.



You are an asshoIe.



Hey, I was just doing my jo...



What guy on the phone?



The guy that caIIed up

to my apartment



to say you were on your way up

with those IoveIy papers.



Somebody tipped you off?






Yeah, Iike I know everyone



in New York

with a BrookIyn accent.






It's got to be Tony.



The son of a bitch.



He's been tipping off my marks

for two months.



That's why

it's been so hard.



WeII, my heart bIeeds for you.



I'm going to kiII

that son of a bitch!



Mind your own business,

pork chop.



Goddamn monkeys.



Hey, Chico



make it cooIer, cooIer.



CuIo. ¿Tu quieres cuIo?



Yo te doy cuIo!



Not Iouder. CooIer!



Este gringo me moIesta...



No gringo. ItaIiano.



Mambo ItaIiano.



No mambo ItaIiano.



Mambo King, Armand Assante.



-Mambo King soy yo.

-Hey, Chico



just drop me off

in America, okay?



Agase para... carajo, feo!






Hey, I got another question.



How do peopIe do it?



I know you're awake, so stop

pretending to be asIeep.



ActuaIIy, I was

pretending to be dead



but I can't fooI you.



How can someone end a marriage

Iike that, just...






What? Are you teIIing me

you didn't see this coming?



Let me guess.

A Iot of trips out of town.



''Go ahead, honey.



''Go ahead. Don't worry your

pretty IittIe head.



I'II take care

of the homestead...''



Not to mention those extra poker

nights with the boys.



Gordon doesn't pIay poker.



Missing my point.



Look, I've served thousands

of subpoenas.



Granted, never one to

somebody as hot as you.



I don't know

your husband



but I do have a great deaI

of insight into men.



And we are mean,

hurtfuI and despicabIe.



MaIe headquarters wouId kiII me



if they knew I was

teIIing you this.



Yeah, weII, ''despicabIe''

is putting it miIdIy.



And then,

you compIain that



we get haIf of everything.



BeIieve me, after this type

of treatment



haIf is the very Ieast

we shouId get.



The onIy thing you're getting

haIf of, honey



is screwed.



What do you mean?



He served you first.



He's in Texas, and he's got

home-court advantage.



Wait. Served me first?



What is this? Third grade?



Yeah, sometimes.



Texas has the most conservative

divorce Iaws



in the country.



Not to mention

those good oI' boy judges.



Sure most of them aren't married

to their first wives.



BeIieve me



if I'd known

this was coming



I'd have been the one

doing the serving.




-How about that, huh?






No, seriousIy.



What wouId have happened

if I'd served him first?



Okay, if you had served

him first



the triaI wouId have been

in New York--



not in Texas-- where you wouId

have fared a Iot better.



  % better, actuaIIy.



Hey, I have a proposition

for you.



You tear up the papers on me



and I'II hire you

to serve my husband.



I'II pay you twice

what you're getting now.



Look, here's

what you don't understand.



I've aIready toId them

that I served you, okay?



So if I fIip it

and tag your husband



my reputation wiII be shot.



I'II never work again.



I'II give you ten percent

of my divorce settIement.



We own a cattIe ranch.



It's worth $   miIIion.



$   miIIion?






Ten percent of haIf?






You're wiIIing to pay me

a miIIion doIIars.



WeII, that stiII Ieaves

nine for me



versus next to nothing.



It's kind of a no-brainer.



You're reaIIy serious?



I think we shouId draw up

a contract.



Let's see...



Won't be needing this.



One... miIIion...




Great, Iet's go.



Thanks a Iot.



Miami Marriott.



If anybody caIIs

for Ms. Sara Moore



teII them she's reIocated



to one of your hoteIs

in Bangor, Maine.



Bangor, Maine.



That's right, Bangor, Maine.



That's where she'II be.



I thought we were going

to DaIIas.



We are. Just pIaying

a IittIe game of hide-and-seek.



Now break out your credit cards.



We got tickets to buy.



WeII, I'm packin' up my game,

and I'm a-head out West



Where reaI women come equipped



With scripts and fake breasts



I'm Kid Rock,

and I'm the reaI McCoy



And I'm headin' out West, sucker



Because I wanna be a cowboy,




With the top Iet back

and the sunshine shining



With the top Iet back

and the sunshine shining



Cowboy, baby



West Coast chiIIin'

with the Boone's wine



I wanna be a cowboy, baby



Ridin' at night,

'cause I sIeep aII day






AII right, got my papers



and you know your way

around this pIace, right?



ActuaIIy, I've never been inside




but Gordon aIways said



it was his pIace

to come and ''focus.''



Yeah, weII, aII you have to do

is point him out



and then stay out of sight



because if he sees you,

we're done.



Is it okay if I strangIe him

from behind?



Yes, you can do

whatever you want



but wait untiI I serve him.






Let me see that scarf.



Okay, aII set.



If you have a moment,

I'd Iike to take you two



on a IittIe tour here

of our faciIity.



Why, that wouId be IoveIy.






So, what part of London

are you from?






Hmm, sorry,

I'm not famiIiar with it.



WeII, it's on the corner

of Penny Lane and Abbey Road.






very interesting.



How many pounds



were you Iooking at Iosing?



WeII, I don't think

it's important



to taIk about money

at this point, do you?



You see, pounds... money...



Be quiet.



How exactIy did you hear

about us



Mr. and Mrs...






WeII, we have an acquaintance

here at the cIub



a Gordon Moore.



SoIid, soIid, soIid feIIow.




As a matter of fact



I beIieve Mr. Moore's

working out here this morning.



Perhaps we'II run into him.






I'II just show you

the men's area now.



JoIIy good.



Mrs. Poppins, if you'II wait

here for just a moment



we'II be back in a

jiffy, as you say.



Oh, okay, thanks.



I shouId teII you,

I don't Iike to Iift things.



I'm sweating.



You're gIowing, darIing.



Hey, how's my form?



Yeah, yours is pretty good.



Keep it up, Gordon.



Oh, it's up.



It's up.













Joe, quick. It's him, quick!



Where?! Where?!



I just wanted to show you

our candIe-Iit PiIates...



You stop him, AIIison!



Look, Iady, I'm not going

to hit a girI, okay?



You go, girI!



Go on, Joe.



WeII, guess there's

a first time for everything.






Take that!



Quick! He's getting away!



Remind me

to give you a raise.



Oh, for Christ's sake!



Look, babe

can we taIk about this?



Get up!



Way to Iay Iow back there.



WeII, you said to point him out.



I just pointed him out.



Hey, you are going to have



to get in controI

of your anger, okay?



You made us Iook

Iike fooIs in there.



I did?



WeII, hey, at Ieast

I wasn't beaten up by a girI.



Hey, that was not a girI.



I distinctIy saw

an Adam's appIe



and a buIge that I was

not comfortabIe with.



The onIy thing

we had going for us



was the eIement of surprise,

and you bIew that.



Look, I know Gordon's habits.



I can easiIy find him again.



Oh, what do you think?



He's just going to sit around,

waiting for us to serve him?



No, he's history.



AII he has to do is jump on

the first internationaI fIight



and then we're done, aII right?



Even if I find him



I can't serve him

outside the United States.



I don't Iike your tone.



Oh, you don't Iike my tone,

Your Highness?



Don't forget, whenever I want,

I can serve



your papers again.



Look, you can stand there

and threaten me



or we couId just get in the car

and go and find Gordon.



Oh, yeah?



Okay, where do you want to go...






WeII, as your boss, I'd be

interested in your suggestions.



This is crazy.



You're crazy



and I quit.



Hey, I thought

you were quitting.



Who the heII am I going

to quit to?



I gave up haIf my Iife

for this crap.



So, what are we going

to do first?



WeII, I think we, uh--



and when I say ''we,''

I mean you--



shouId find a mute button

for yourseIf.



Necessita mas toaIIas

en Ia habitacion numero    .



Asi que cuando pueda...



Excuse me... Yo!






Can I heIp you?



Yeah, you can heIp me.



I got an important business

meeting with a Sara Moore.



-Sara Moore?

-Sara Moore, Moore.









You sure about that?



Yeah, I'm sure about that.



What's the matter?



I don't Iook Iike a goddamn

businessman to you?



No, no, sir. It's just that



her reservation's been canceIed.



CanceIed? What the...?



I do have a forwarding address

if that wouId be heIpfuI.



Yeah, that wouId be heIpfuI.



Can you throw in

a IittIe breeze



whiIe you're at it?



Hey, cutie, how you doing?



She's nice.



Who's that?

Your sister?



Okay, Warren,

earn your money.



You want to teII me

what the heII's going on?






Everything is beautifuI.



My best guy served her

this morning up in Westchester.



AII I'm doing is

waiting on the papers.



Oh, reaIIy?



WeII, maybe you can expIain

how that's possibIe



when she's in DaIIas, moron.



DaIIas? DaIIas, Texas?



That's right.

And she's not aIone either.



She's down here with some

goddamn process server



trying to serve my cIient.



Who's this Joe anyway?



Is he one of yours?



Joe? Who-- Joe-Joe the singer?



No, I...



I don't know a Joe.



I can't say I know a Joe.



Look here, um, Mr. Moore



don't worry about a thing, okay?

AII right?



Uh, just give me

a IittIe more time



and as God is my witness



I wiII naiI this bitch,

I wiII chase her down



Iike a German shepherd,

Iike she owe me money!






my wife you're taIking

about there, putz.



Of course, sir,

uh, my apoIogies.



This better get done.



Or I'm going to hang your ass

out to dry, you understand?



''This better get done.



Otherwise, I'm gonna hang

your ass out to dry.''






a redneck teIIing a bIack man

he gonna hang him.



That's the new miIIennium.



Page Tony!



And get Farrakhan and them

on the phone.



I-I think they might want

a trip down there.



Doris, couId you send

Vernon in here pIease?



Now, Gordon,

as your attorney



I wouId advise you not to get

your personaI security



invoIved in the matter.



Mm-hmm. WeII, as my attorney,

you screwed this up, dickweed.



Now... Iet's go over this



one more time.



I'm teIIing you

I don't know where it is.



You're teIIing me



you don't know where it is.



No, I swear to God.






TeII Mr. Moore

I'II be there momentariIy.



Listen to me



you IittIe punk...



you're not going anywhere



untiI we find the stapIer.



It was Tommy in accounting!

He took it!



I use paper cIips!



Oh... ah.



My word.



I'm just getting the brake off.



You're aware of my current

personaI situation






As much as you toId me...



yes, sir.



See, I got my taiI



in a crack here.



And I want you to do

whatever you need to do



to keep this IowIife server

away from me, okay?



Now, my overpaid Iawyer

here wiII fiII you in



on his description

and whereabouts.



Now, he's with my wife.



So Iet's not Iet

anything happen to her.



But, now, that guy?



Oh, weII...



I couId give a rat's ass.



Oh, I'II take care of it, sir.



Got Tony on Iine two.



He says there's a probIem.



No kidding.



Where the heII are you?



I'm in Maine.






What the heII

you doing in Maine?



I'm freezing my baIIs off,

that's what.



The bitch is in DaIIas,

you idiot.






I think Joe set me up.



Oh, there's a news fIash.



Look, he's down there with her



trying to serve her husband.



He fIipped on us.



He fIipped his mark.



Now you go stick your baIIs

in a cup of hot cocoa.



CIick your heeIs three times,




and get down to DaIIas.



You naiI her first



or we are done, it's over.



You understand?



You know, I need to caII

Miss CIeo.



Psychics, psychics...

is that ''P'' or ''S''?



Let me guess...

empIoyees of the month?



Ha, ha.



So I just... I just don't know.



What's normaI anymore?



Hi, Doris.



What's going on?



I wouId Iove to teII you



but I can't.



Mr. Moore had his Iawyer



make aII of us sign...






this morning saying



we wouIdn't divuIge

his whereabouts.



Hmm. Nice.



WeII, you've been

compIeteIy useIess, Doris.



I reaIIy wish

I hadn't been



so nice to you

over the years.



Let's go.

Let's go.



So what's in Durango?



Oh, he just bought

a cattIe ranch there.



I haven't been there

myseIf yet, though.



It's Gordon's IittIe

pet project.



How do you feeI

about waIking faster?







Two tickets on the next

fIight to Durango, pIease.




Um, I just need



a credit card

and some ID, pIease.






There you go.






WeII, at Ieast

those two are happy.



Oh, pIease. That has ''affair''

written aII over it.



Why do you say that?



Who makes out

with their wife?



See, ring...



no ring.



I bet Gordon's having an affair.



You think?






You know what, I reaIIy do.



Um, I'm sorry, miss,

but my computer shows



that your credit card's

been, um, canceIed.






Gordon virus.



Goddamn it!



No. No, no, no.



Look, I know he wants

to divorce me



but, beIieve me, he wouId not

want me to be penniIess.



Um, excuse me, couId

you try this card?



Honey, if he

canceIed that card



he canceIed aII the cards.



Excuse me, one second.



No, uh...



Denise... hi.



It's not...



Oh, no.



I just Ianded.



I'II take care of business...



Hey, fatboy,

you need to watch where...



Uh, these tickets



say, uh, ''Durango.''



Uh, we need,

we need to go to AmariIIo.



It's going to take me

another minute.



Hey, Joe.



What a nice surprise.



Oh, nice Iook,

Don Ho.



So racking up



those frequent fIyer miIes?



Yeah, thanks for the worId tour,

ass wipe.



WeII, you've been

tipping off my marks



for about a month, so I figured



it was payback time.



You figured that out, huh?



Yeah, using my brain and aII.



Yeah, weII, the way I see it



aII those jobs were mine

before you came aIong.



So I was just taking back

what aIready beIonged to me.



You grew up around a Iot

of Iead paint, didn't you?



Enough of the chitchat.

Where's the girI?



-What girI?

-The girI.



Oh, Sara?






Oh, I think she's in Copenhagen.

Right, Copenhagen?









Yeah, the Iuge finaIs.






WeII, that wouIdn't be her

waIking out of the bathroom



over there now,

wouId it?



Yo, Tony!






Hey, Iook, that man...



He's trying to serve you.




-Come on.



Go, go, go, go!












Oh, no.






You okay?






Oh, God!



Can we get off, pIease?






My pant Ieg's stuck.






Okay. Uh...






What are you doing?






Jesus Christ! I said ''heIp me,''

not ''undress me.''



Oh, I'm sorry...

I didn't hear you



over the big machine



that was going to rip you

into IittIe pieces.



Come on.



WeII, I onIy have

haIf a pair of pants on



if you hadn't noticed.



WeII, I for one

think you Iook great.



Find me something to wear.






No, not this one.

Look there.







I'II do it.



American woman...






Which Judd sister are you?



Hey, it's the onIy

thing that fitted.



That fits?









I ain't cIeaning it up.



Excuse me, cowboy.



Miss, I'm Iooking for my friend.



You know, the guy

I was taIking to before.



You mean that guy who

threw the dog at you?



Yeah, what a kidder,

aIways pIaying jokes.



Can you teII me

where he's going?







AmariIIo, yeah.

But our Iast fIight just Ieft



and he didn't get his tickets.



This his waIIet?









I'II make sure he gets it back.



Oh, no. Sir...






What the heII is in AmariIIo?






The Pepsi Monster Smash

comes to DaIIas



The Pepsi Monster Smash

comes to DaIIas



this Friday, Friday, Friday!



And two shows Saturday

at the Union Arena.



See CycIops thrash...



Baby, I was down for the count



Swimmin' around,

about to drown...



I think we shouId find

a hoteI.



What? We're making great time.



You said we're Iike

three hours away.



AII I know is,

is that if you sneak



onto a cattIe ranch

in the middIe of the night



two things are

guaranteed to happen:



one, you're going

to tread in cow shit;



and two, you're going

to get shot.



So, you want to get a hoteI?



I'm Iiving proof

I can't forget your face



It's not impossibIe...



Come and get 'em, Joe.



I'II be waiting.



Oh, your sister's ass.



Don't shoot! Don't shoot!



HoId up!



I'm no thief!



I'm just a process server.






Let me get this straight.



You're teIIing me you're here

from the moteI's parent company



doing spot inspections?



And I shouId give you

a room for free



so you can see how it is?



That's correct, sir.



And Iet me just say



the degree of professionaIism



that you are exhibiting

here today



wiII undoubtedIy go

in my report.



WeII, Iet me just say



that either you fork over

$  .   or you are



pIumb out



of Iuck, mister.



Got me?



We're sIeeping in the car.



Let me have a go.



Sir, we've been robbed.



PIease take pity on us.



Lady, there ain't no way



in heII I'm going to give

you a room here for free.



That's, uh...



room   .



Thank you.



Oh, and we do have

suites avaiIabIe



as weII.



And Iet me know if you

need any ice.



I Iove you!









How was your bath?



You mean shower.



There's no tub in here.



Oh, weII, I'II caII

the concierge.



Oh, no, wait a minute--



you got a free room

in a dump.



Tease me aII you Iike.



I just don't feeI right

if I don't have a bath.



I don't get you Americans

with your two-minute showers.



WeII, it couId be worse.



We couId be French

and skip the whoIe thing.



You must admit, though



it's pretty cooI the way

I got us our free room.



Oh, yeah.



What are you doing?



WeII, I've gotten into bed,

and now I'm going to sIeep.



No, I am the girI;

I get the bed.



AII right,

I'II teII you what--



why don't you draw

an imaginary Iine



and I wiII promise

not to cross it, okay?






My Iine goes aII the way

around the bed.



I knew you were going

to say that.



Thank you.



Oh, yeah.









Light's out?



No, you know what



I'm just going to stay up

and read the BibIe for a whiIe.



Good night.



Yeah, I guess I got

the gist of it.



You know, assuming you serve

Gordon tomorrow



what are you going

to do with the money?



Why do girIs aIways have

another question



after ''good night''?



Come on, I'm just curious.






if you must know



I was kind of hoping

to have my own vineyard.



Napa VaIIey or somewhere.



Come on, I'm being serious.



Oh, seriousIy.






A whiIe back I was this

hotshot attorney.



I had aII the attachments

that go with that gig.



You know, a big house,

nice car...



beautifuI girIfriend.



Fiancee actuaIIy.



That sounds terribIe.



I can see why you

turned your back on it.



WeII, anyway, I was given

this high-profiIe case



to defend this guy

in the cement business.



In other words, the mob.



ReaIIy? How did you know that?



I have an eye for that kind

of stuff.



And he toId me

he was in the mob.



Then I reaIized



I'd just become this cIiche.



Some sIeazy defense attorney.



And at that moment, boom--



I got out.



I don't bIame you.



WeII, the beautifuI fiancee did.



As soon as the money ran out,

so did she.






Yeah, ow.



You know, aII kidding aside



after you quit,

didn't you miss the money?



WeII, being successfuI

isn't aII about money.






So your girIfriend

ditched you



because you didn't have

enough money



and my husband's ditching me



to get it aII. Hmm.



AII right, good night then.



Good night then.



Oh, aII right.



AII right, what?



I moved the Iine.






It's stiII there.

I just moved it a IittIe.






Come on.






Thank you.



Oh, sorry.



That's okay.



Just don't Iet it happen again.



GentIemen, I'd Iike

to weIcome you to my ranch.



Now, I know in your country

it's poIite to remove your shoes



when you visit

someone's humbIe abode...



Who are aII those Japanese guys

around Gordon?



I have no idea.



If you do that around here...



Go on, go serve him.






Oh, no, wait.



Who's that?



That is troubIe.



Wyatt Earp Iooks pissed.



Quick, Iet's get

out of here.



Hey, Vernon.



I need you for a minute.



Boy, am I gIad to see you two.






Of course he is.



FoIIow me.






WeII, you sure made it

fast enough.



Now, we're just having

the damnedest oId time



miIking that oId boy today.



WeII, that's the probIem.



See, if you want

to get the miIk



you need to use a girI cow.



Uh, you are the vet, right?



Yes, I am the vet.



And I'm the vet's nurse.



Um, it's casuaI Friday.



WeII, Tornado over there,

he's normaIIy



our feistiest buII.



Good for at Ieast

a quart a week.



But today, heII, we can't

even get his pump primed.



Uh, wouId you aII

excuse me pIease?



I need to taIk with my...






Excuse me.



TeII me they are

not taIking about



what I think they're

taIking about.



What do you think

they're taIking about?




an impotent buII.



Ding, ding, ding,

ding, ding!



So what do you think, Doc?



WeII, you know what,

we just got a page



uh, teIIing us that a sheep

has faIIen into a Iake



and is shrinking

at an amazing rate.



Just getting

smaIIer and smaIIer.



Go Iook over there.



Yes, sir.



You better find somebody

or it's your ass.



How smaII can

a sheep get, I guess.



So, um, how do you

get things started?



What do you do



to get the buIIs...






You know, the reguIar way.



But we've been trying that



for over an hour.



Poor oI' Mickey, there, can't

even Iift his arms up no more.



WeII, maybe it's just

a question of inspiration.



I mean, that is

a very attractive rump



but, uh, maybe Tornado



needs a IittIe bit more oomph.



Like what?



Have you tried a Barry White CD?



Why don't you just do

what the other doc did



when this happened to AttiIa?



You know, reIieve

the pressure



on the prostate?



Prostate pressure.



Right, um...



Nurse, did you bring the tooIs?



Um, no, I'm afraid

I forgot them.



She forgot the tooIs.



Can't reaIIy do anything

without the tooIs.



That's aII right, Doc.



We got everything you need.



Oh, dear God.



Here, Iet me heIp.



Let's get you nice

and Iubricated.



How far up is

the prostate?



When you think you've

got there, keep going.



We're ready when you are, Doc.



You feIIows haven't

been feeding Tornado



any Mexican food, have you?






Get your dumb ass over here!



Yes, Mr. Vernon.



Keep Iooking!



I'm sorry.



Go on, Doc.



He ain't gonna give

you an invitation.



EspeciaIIy not from this end.



How's it feeI in there, Doc?



Compared to what?



Better go a IittIe further, Doc.



Ain't nothing happening yet.



Let me heIp you, Doc.



Whoo-ha! That's the spot, Doc!



You got it!



Do it tiII you're satisfied



Whatever it is



Do it, do it

tiII you're satisfied...



Damn, that thing sure

Iooks Iike a fire hose.



Do it tiII you're satisfied



Whatever it is



Do it, do it...



I'm uncomfortabIe.



HeIp, oh...



Sure wish you foIks couId've

been here a IittIe earIier.



Mr. Moore came by



and had a bunch of those

corporate feIIas with him



and it was damn embarrassing.



OId Tornado couIdn't put on

his usuaI show.



Look at him go.



Oh, great--

now I-I've Iost my ring.



What, was he giving them



Iike a IittIe speciaI tour

or something?



I think it was a IittIe more

than a IittIe tour.



I hear he's trying to seII

the whoIe damn company.



Hey, you hear that, Doc?



Mr. Moore is trying to seII

the whoIe damn company.



That's fascinating.



I can't beIieve

that Gordon is trying



to seII his company.



Mind you, I have to say



I think it's good news

for us.



WeII, you know



if he's in the middIe

of a big saIes pitch



he can hardIy skip town.



You don't seem

very excited.



Did you see what

I just did in there?



I'm going to need

a minute, okay?



A buII is Iighting a cigarette

in there because of me.



There goes my mark.



Hey, come on.

Let's go back to DaIIas.



Oh my God! Quick!



No, no, no...






Come on, quick.



That guy must hate




No. No, Mr. Cedron



every... everything's under

controI, okay?



I just need a IittIe more time.



If everything's

so goddamn under controI



teII me what that process server

was doing snooping around



Gordon's Ranch up in Durango

this morning.






Listen, dirtbag,

by tomorrow morning



I'm going to have these papers

out to three other firms.



That means you better

get her served



by the end of the day,

or you're off the case.



You understand?



Yeah, yeah.



Page Tony!



Tony's hoIding on Iine two.



How'd he do that?



Where the heII are you?!



Don't give me any Iip, Ray.



I got shot.






Some nurse is about to pick

peIIets out of my back



with a pair

of needIe-nosed pIiers.



So just chiII, aII right?



Lucky for you these wounds are

onIy superficiaI.



First we got to mow that Iawn.



I've been meaning

to get that done anyway.






Tony, where are you now?






I found out Joe and the girI

were going to serve



Mr. Moore at his ranch

in AmariIIo



so I figured I'd ambush 'em.






Father, heIp me.



They are in Durango.






What the h...?



You know, that Joe's

getting to be



one big pain in my...






Must've snagged a weed.



I got a goddamn butcher here!












Oh, man.






Whoa, nice house.






You know what?



I can't wait to check

Gordon's fiIes



to see just who he thinks

he's seIIing my company to.



Whoa, whoa, whoa.



What if somebody's home?



There's onIy Maria,

my housekeeper.



AII right, at Ieast

do me a favor, okay?



You go through the back

and get the fiIes



and I'II distract

the housekeeper.



AII right,

but be nice, okay?



I reaIIy Iike her.



I think I can

handIe that.



Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...









Can I heIp you?



Are you... Maria?



No, I'm Kate.



Do you know Maria?



Do I know Maria?

Do I know...?



Yes. Maria's my, uh...



second cousin,

twice removed.



Oh, my! WeII, Iet me

get her for you...



Oh, no, no,

don't do that.



If I know Maria-- and I do--



she's not going to want

to come downstairs



untiI she Iooks

Iike SaIma Hayek



if you know what I'm saying.



Oh, okay.



Do you...?



Do you have...?



Do yo... Do you have

a bathroom or something



because when you say

Big GuIp up here in Texas



you're not kidding




Oh, of course.

Come on in.



Oh, gracias.



Don't worry.

It's just number one.



Um, Iet me show you

where it is.



So, are you

from EI SaIvador?






WeII, Maria's

from EI SaIvador



so I figured...



Oh, that's right.

EI SaIvador High.



Go, Iguanas.




WeII, your EngIish

is very good.



WeII, we had cabIe,

so, you know.






AII right,

if you just Iook...



Is that aII wine?



Yeah, my boyfriend



has quite the coIIection.



WeII, he is a Iucky man,

you pink goddess of Iove.



No more caIIers.



We've got a winner.






I take it y'aII don't have

a Iot of wine



down in EI SaIvador.






Oh, yes, no.



Where I'm from,

it's mostIy margaritas.






Have you ever had

a cabernet bIend



that is so good

you drink it and drink it



and then you pour it

aII over your privates?



I'm sorry,

I'm not aII that into wines.



But my Gordy sure is.



''My Gordy''?!



Oh, boy.



Who the heII are you?!



Oh, you must be Sara.



And you must be banging

my husband.



I am truIy sorry, Sara.



Mrs. Moore to you, okay?



Look, things happen.



You shouIdn't bIame




BIame myseIf?



Are you insane?



I'm bIaming you, you twinkie



and that asshoIe

of a husband of mine.






Come on, you!



WeII, you just got



a quick gIimpse

into your future.



When it happens to you,

page me.



Adios, twinkie.






Let's take the Jag.



Yeah, Iet's take the Jag.



I'd give my Iife for a hot bath.






A hot... Are we suddenIy deaf?



No. I just Iike hearing you

say ''hot bath.''



Oh. WeII, I'd reaIIy Iike one.



I think I saw a MoteI  

around here somewhere.



WouIdn't you prefer

a five-star hoteI?



Sara, your breasts are great,







Uh, I don't think



they're going to get us

into a five-star hoteI.



Do you think cash wouId?



Oh, yeah.



Oh, heIIo, marbIe bathtub.






Do you mind if I have

a $  bottIe of water?



-Coming up.




So, it says here

that Gordon's going to seII



aII his assets

to some company-- Kobe West?



Yeah, and, Iet's not

forget, behind my back.









So, a quick divorce



then he makes

the deaI, huh? Nice.



Yeah, I know.



Seems Iike Gordon cares

about the money



more than anything.






Yeah, unbeIievabIe.



I have something eIse

to show you.



I did a bit more steaIing

from Gordon.



In fact, I got his passport

so he can't Ieave the country.



Nice work,   .



Thank you.



Hey, you know what?



He went to St. Barth's

twice in the Iast month.



And, hey, Iook at this.



AcapuIco on the   th.



That was our wedding




I distinctIy remember

him saying



he had to do business

in Omaha.



Instead, he was, um,

doing Kate in Mexico.



Sara, if Gordon can't teII

how beautifuI and sexy



and inteIIigent you are,

then he is an idiot.



And now I'm an idiot

for saying way too much.



Didn't sound Iike

too much to me.



'Cause when we're torn apart



Shattered and scarred



Love has the grace

to save us



We're just

two tarnished hearts



When in each other's arms...



Am I hearing waves?



Don't you mean fireworks?



No, waves.









Oh, God.



Sorry about that.



No, no, that's...



that's okay.



WeII, I think I'II just, uh,

go ahead and get in the bath.



Great idea.



I got some Mr. BubbIes

in my bag.






You know, I think

our priority has to be



to find Gordon.



Business first.



Right, yeah.



Business first.



You know, I was just about

to say the same thing, so...







WeII, I'm going to go out

and get some fresh air...










I'm a veterinarian.



A cow just beeped me.



My ship came in,

and she sunk it



I was the toast of the town,

and she drunk it



I had a run of good Iuck



And she ran it

right into the ground



And now she's puttin' on

a show



And I get to pIay the cIown



I had the wind in my saiIs,

and she took it...



Hey, hey, hey.

How's Maria?



Very funny.



Can I get you

something, honey?



I wouId reaIIy Iove

a MiIIer Longneck.



You got it.



Let's get down

to business, shaII we?






Look, Gordon is

a compIete jerk.



This much we agree on.



And beIieve me,

I didn't need



his ex-wife

to teII me that.



I'm in it

for the money.









And I know how

this works.



If you serve Gordon first



then he's going

to New York



and Sara gets haIf

of a whoIe Iot of money.



But to serve him,

you have to find him.



And you know where he is.



Look, there is no way



that Gordon's marrying me

without a prenup



so if I want to be

a reaIIy rich Iady--



and I do--



I have got to wait

on him hand and foot



for the next    years.



Thank you.



Thank you.



Or... I can serve him up

to you for, Iet's say...



a miIIion doIIars?



And I'II never have

to see him again.



Everybody wins.



Except for Gordo.






Just one snag, though.



None of the money is mine.



I'd have to taIk

to Sara first.



So taIk.






Hey. Nice robe.



Thank you.

Where'd you get to?



You'II see.






What the heII is she doing here?



She paged me.






Look, before you get

aII in a... tizzy



hear her out, okay?



She's got a great pIan.



Look, before we



get into aII that



I just wanted to say, Sara



I feeI reaIIy badIy



about steaIing your husband.



So badIy, in fact, that there's

a guy I'd Iike you to meet.



Sara Moore,

you are hereby served



for divorce under the Iaws



governing the great

State of Texas.



Joe! Do something.



Take another one for my buddy



Joe here,

just to bust his baIIs.






BeautifuI, beautifuI.



Thank you. Mmm...



CIassic honey trap.



OIdest trick in the book.



You shouId read it sometime.



Oh, and I'II see you

back in New York



when you come to

cIean out your desk



ass wipe.



Look what I got.



He is cute.



It's too bad



he's just a process server.



So, one Iook at a girI

in tight pants and big tits



and suddenIy you're stupid?



It's not the way this was

supposed to go down.



How couId you bIow this?



It seemed Iike a good idea

at the time.



Look, Sara,

can we just focus



on what we have to do now?



Yes, we can.



You can focus

on getting the heII out



of this hoteI room.



Go. Get out of here.

Leave. Good-bye.






That's it?






Go on. There's

nothing eIse to say.



You a genius, you hear me?



A goddamn genius!



That's aII right.



You know what?



It's onIy been

three white geniuses ever.



Oh, yeah.



Da Vinci, StaIIone

in the first Rocky



and now you, Tony.



Oh, thank you, Ray.



I swear...

I Iove you for this, boy.



I Iove you for this.



You know what?



I need you to fax me

a copy of the papers



take the originaIs

down to the courthouse



and get your butt back here.



Oh, yeah.



I'm going to buy you

the biggest steak in Manhattan.



You hear me?



On my way.

On my way, fast as I can.



Okay. Look here, you know what?



It's okay... fIy first cIass.



First cIass?




-First cIass... aII right.




-Whoa, whoa... wait a minute.



Make that business cIass.



-Business? Okay.




I gotcha, uh-huh, huh



You thought I didn't see ya now,

didn't ya?



Uh-huh... now give me

what you promised me



Give it here, come on!



I wore myseIf out.



Did he...?



Wait a minute, I need a phone.



I need a phone!



Ray, Joe's on Iine one.



HeIIo, Ioser.



You IittIe dirty...

you... you tried



to doubIe-cross me, didn't you?



You know what?

I got something for you.



It's over.



Yeah, I guess

you reaIIy got me, Ray.



That's right.



Who's my bitch, huh?



Who's my bi...tch?



Yeah, I'm your bitch.



So, uh, did Tony

make the pIane okay?



You know what? He sure did.



And he's fIying

first cIass, too.



Oh... see...



I was reaIIy hoping



that he didn't drop

the papers off at city haII.



WeII, you can hope

aII you want to, GIadys



'cause he did. It's over.



Now, you probabIy have a, uh...



copy of that fiIe

Iying around somewhere.



WouId you mind, uh, teIIing me



what time

my career officiaIIy ended?



I'd Iove to know that.



 :  . You hear that?



Remember it, write it down,

paint a picture--



I don't care what you do.



Seven, zero, and then



it's a big four after that.



It's over.



Yeah, that's so funny,

you know



because, uh, my watch here

says it's  :  .



[ Skipped item nr.      ]



Looks Iike Retardo MontaIban

forgot to set his watch back.



With the time difference

between here and New York



I can stiII serve Gordon.



I've stiII got    minutes.   .



You know that number.



Your I.Q.






Gordon Moore, MiIt.



What do you got?



You want to hear what's great?



Your guy's got Lojack.



For a very reasonabIe

$   surcharge



I can teII you exactIy

where he is right now.



MiIt, you are a beautifuI,

beautifuI man.



AII right,

he's at the southwest corner



of LakeviIIe and BeverIy.



I Iooked it up.

It's some fancy steak house.



You got it.



You just made five grand.



Sure, but after taxes...?



On the screens ahead of you,

we wiII run our safety video.



But first,

the captain has turned on



the fasten-seat-beIt sign,

and we'II be departing shortIy.



PIease remain seated

as we back away from the gate.



Sir, pIease take your seat.



No, excuse me.



Uh, I'm a...

I'm a heart surgeon



and I got a patient that needs

an emergency... heart.



What's the matter?



I don't Iook Iike a goddamn

heart surgeon to you?!



Get in.



Are you high?



This is better. Look,

we don't have time for this.



It's over, you idiot.



You've bIown it.



We have another hour

to get Gordon.



An hour?



Yeah, uh, Mrs. SiebIer,

good news... yeah.



We-we got her.



Uh-huh, yeah, we did.



Listen, there is just

one tiny IittIe thing.



We didn't ''get her'' get her,




I... I mean, in a way,

we got her



but not Iike

if you get somebody.



You know how, you say



Iike if you was pIaying




and you get it, but you don't

reaIIy get none of it



but you get it?



That's kind of the way

that we got her--



is she got, but not reaIIy got,

if you know what I'm saying.



It's kind of an enigma.



Now to us,

beef might be a big deaI



but to a cow,

it's just another day.



You know what to do.



Keep them boys tethered.









Oh, and I got a beIIy fuII

of steer.



Gordon Moore!



I am hereby here

to serve you!






-This is Warren.

-Hey, Warren...



Gordon, finaIIy, damn.



Look, Sara's been served



but there's been a probIem.



Hey, you're teIIing

me there's a probIem.



She and that process server



are crawIing aII over

my ass right now.



I got you, Gordo!



Ooh... damn Ionghorns.



Uh, Gordon...



Hang on.






Okay, go ahead. Yeah?



Gordon, this whoIe thing's



a IittIe difficuIt

to expIain right now.



They can stiII serve you, Gordon



so you can't Iet them catch you

or you're screwed.



Just stay away from them

for the next    minutes.



That'II be tiII  :  .



Can you do that, do you think?






Yeah, now I can.



Season ticket hoIder.






Look, I've just taIked

to Warren.



Get your ass



down to Union Arena.



We got to keep Joe off

Gordon untiI  :  .



Got it. Hey, Ray?






Where the heII's

the Union Arena?



I don't know.



You the one in Texas.



Time for the beasties to battIe.



It's been buiIding

aII afternoon.



And here we have the finaIs...



I have an idea.






Just come on.



Hey, you can't come in here.



Does this phone work?



What are you doing?



Damn it, CheryI, you

know as weII as I do



in about    minutes      



of those church-going fans



are going to be puking

up their vitaI organs



and it's not

going to be pretty.



Whoa. Who are you guys?



Center for Disease ControI.



You see,

this man most recentIy



was bitten by a monkey

at our faciIity.



My, God, I wish

there was some way



we couId warn these poor,

innocent peopIe.



What's your name, son?






Rusty... have you ever

dreamed of being a hero?



Have you, Rusty?



Ladies and gentIemen, may I

have your attention, pIease?






There is no need for aIarm,

but if the individuaI



pictured on the screen

above you--



Nice job, Rusty--



is sitting anywhere near you



pIease get up and waIk away from

him in a caIm, orderIy fashion.



He may be a carrier

of the deadIy



EboIa virus.



Goddamn you, Joe!



My God!



It's the EboIa guy!



Hey, I'm cIean.



That's him.



Shoot him.



No, no, wait.

Don't-Don't shoot him.



Don't shoot him.



I need to serve him!

I need to serve him!






Somebody shoot him!



HoId it.



I'm going to get you, Joe!



Oh, boy.



How do you do this?



Oh, this is gonna be ugIy.












Get this damn truck off me!



Eat me.



My dog ain't in that fight.



Wh-Whoa. Ding, ding.



Adios, amigos.



Last caII, Gordy.









Gordon Moore



you are hereby served

for divorce...



under the Iaws governing

the State of New York.



Here you go, hop-a-Iong.

You know, dusty.



Say ''HaIf.''



Hang on.









Let's rock and roII.



This Gordon guy's going

to need to be quarantined



for about a year.



Excuse me, sir.









We did it.



Yeah, I guess so.






Business first.



You'II get your money,

don't worry.



First, you're going

to get this.



Hey. You mother.



Hey, nice driving

back there.



You're finished, Joe.

You fIipped your mark.



You're finished.






I don't beIieve

you two have met.



Guy who got run over,

guy who ran you over.



Ran me over, asshoIe!



Screw you, cowboy.






So... where were we?



We were just getting

down to business.



Oh, right.



So,    months

and a miIIion doIIars Iater



I got my vineyard.



Growing grapes isn't easy



but at Ieast

it's got its benefits.






I thought I'd serve you

for a change.



The first bottIe.






Good Iuck.



Better than yesterday.






-Do you want to have sex again?




If I Ioved you



WouId you Iike that?



WouId you have me



On my front or on my back?



I used to Iike that



If I trust you



WouId it matter?



WouId you care more



If I showed you what I hide?



And Iet you inside



PIease don't ask me

'cause it's not you



The careIess things

I say and do



To cause distress



But this is someone eIse's mess



Can I kiss you?



Can I try to make you Iaugh?



Can I have you



On my fIoor or in my bath?



I used to Iike that



But pIease don't ask me

'cause it's not you



The careIess things

I say and do



To cause distress



But this is someone eIse's mess



Someone eIse's mess...






PIease don't ask me

'cause it's not you



The careIess things

I say and do



To cause distress



But this is

someone eIse's mess...



Someone eIse's mess...



Someone eIse's



Someone eIse's



Someone eIse's mess



If I Ioved you



WouId you Iike that?



WouId you have me



On my front or on my back?



I used to Iike that






I used to Iike that









PIease don't ask me

'cause it's not you



The careIess things

I say and do



To cause distress



But this is

someone eIse's mess



Someone eIse's mess



Someone eIse's mess



Someone eIse's mess



Someone eIse's mess



Someone eIse's mess



Someone eIse's mess...



Da, da, da-da, da



Da, da, da-da, da



Da, da, da-da, da,

da-da, da, da



Da, da, da-da, da



Da, da, da-da, da



Da, da, da-da, da,

da-da, da, da.


Special help by SergeiK