Voila! Finally, the Shampoo
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Warren Beatty and
Julie Christie movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shampoo. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
The headboard. The headboard, honey.
You know it makes me nervous.
Could you put your hand up there...
...and hold it?
That's right, because...
That's... That's...
Jesus! Oh!
That's right.
Jesus Christ!
When did you get back in town?
Where are you staying?
Is she still in the same place?
Listen. Why don't you...?
I'll call you tomorrow.
Why don't you come by the shop
and say hi?
Okay. Bye.
Why do you bother with them?
Tell them you're sleeping and hang up.
This girl has problems.
Know what your problem is?
- You have too many sick ladies.
- Oh, yeah?
Particularly in your business.
Don't worry, honey...
...because I'm gonna protect you.
Look what I found.
Oh, shit!
Shit.
What do you mean?
I don't know why you don't
get yourself an answering service.
What are you doing?
I'm looking for my keys.
Keys?
- You said you weren't going anywhere.
- I just gotta see this friend.
What are you talking about?
You're going to see
one of those girls.
She's not a girl. Just a friend.
Wait.
Wait until I'm dressed
because I'm going too.
Christ, get me a Kleenex.
Look, Felicia. I won't be long.
- You're great.
- Thanks a lot.
- This girl has attacks.
- What attacks?
These attacks.
It's got something to do
with her pancreas.
She's got a...
- Pancreatic ulcer?
- Yeah, I think so.
- That's serious.
- I know.
- Her doctor?
- Don't know.
- Very serious.
- I know.
- Ruth had a pancreatic ulcer.
- She did?
- It turned out to be a cancer.
- Wow.
What are you going for, George?
You're not a doctor.
I gotta give her some pills.
She ran out of Percodan.
Felicia, I want your ass
in this bed when I get back.
- You do?
- Yes.
- You're very weird, George.
- You're great, baby.
You are great.
Take this off.
Christ! Goddamn it.
Oh, shit!
- Who is it?
- Who do you think?
- Honey.
- Yeah?
- Don't yell at me.
- I'm not.
- There were shots.
- What?
Gunshots. Some gunshots.
- Where?
- Here.
- In the canyon.
- It's a big canyon, honey.
So what? A bullet
can probably go miles.
- Why do you leave me alone?
- I was running all over...
...preparing for the bank tomorrow.
- Why didn't you call?
I can't make outgoing calls.
Just breathe, honey.
Sometimes I get this terrible feeling
that something awful will happen.
Like what?
I don't know.
Like somebody's going to get me.
- I've had these dreams lately.
- What dreams?
They're dumb, but...
...somebody gets me and they
throw me around the room.
They grab me and tie me down.
- Then what?
- Then I wake up.
I figure if somebody's
gonna get you...
...it's probably gonna be me.
No.
How are you, baby?
How are you?
Where were you?
I'm great, honey. Fantastic.
I really couldn't be better.
I really feel incredible.
No. Where were you?
Getting it together.
I'm opening up the shop.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I'm at the epitome of my life.
- What happened tonight?
I can't talk about it.
I've been disgusted.
- You said you're at the epitome.
- I am. I am.
Till I get Norman off my ass,
and people work for me...
Women can get to be
an occupational hazard.
What do you mean?
While I work in that shop,
I'm always doing too many heads.
- What about me?
- You're different.
- I am?
- You're great.
- Do you really mean that?
- I'm gonna retire with you.
- Honey?
- Yeah?
- Why am I great?
- Jesus, I don't know. You're great.
- Know what I read in Cosmopolitan?
- What?
If you don't have a baby by
you'll have a Mongolian idiot.
- George.
- Bullshit.
Maybe you don't even like children.
You've never been around one.
I'm around you
and I like you, don't I?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Good night, honey.
- George?
- What?
Jackie won't bring
children into the world.
Says it's overpopulated
and hypocritical.
Could we talk about this
in the morning?
Jesus, let me show you something.
Six, six and three-quarters.
That's our prime rate.
I'll tell you something else.
The big boys are going for it.
Do you know where FHA is?
- FHA?
- Just take a guess where they are.
Well, seven and a half.
- Wow.
- Wow, indeed.
We're not going back to the old days.
- Guess not.
- Inflation's not the reason.
Rates rise independently
of tight money.
What sort of references
do you have, Mr. Roundy?
I do Barbara Rush.
You do what?
Her hair. I do Barbara Rush.
I meant credit references and...
Jesus. I'm not the cigarette kind.
So what? We get a trip out of it.
It's a job.
Egypt? Why Egypt?
- That's where the pyramids are.
- You seem disappointed.
No.
Egypt?
- Maybe we can change our location.
- No, that's not it.
- Do you have children?
- No.
- Are you married?
- No.
- Got something against traveling?
- No.
- Something against us?
- No.
Jill, you can come out and say it.
I'm embarrassed.
We'll let you know tomorrow.
Thank you for coming by.
Please don't misunderstand.
I would like to go.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Jesus, this town.
Financial statement?
I got the heads.
Customers come to me.
They want me.
If I open a shop, they'll come to me.
- I got lots of heads.
- Okay.
- Know what I'm talking about?
- No.
How do you expect to lend me money
if you don't know my business?
I don't.
Good morning, Mr. Roundy.
Excuse me. Aren't I entitled
to make out a financial statement?
Yes, of course.
Miss Michaels, would you
hand me a few of those forms?
Thanks very much.
Just have these notarized...
...and we'll see how it goes.
- Thanks.
You asshole!
Do you know what George did?
He wakes me up at : am
to do my hair.
Why?
I don't know.
He woke me up and said
"I'm gonna make you...
...the grooviest chick in this town."
- What did you do?
- I looked at him and said, "George...
...if you love me,
I am the grooviest chick."
- Did he cut your hair?
- We didn't get around to that.
Jackie, when you and George
were together, did he do that stuff?
I can't remember.
It was so long ago.
Yeah, stupid question.
I'm pleased that you're
happy with Lester.
It's great to wake up
in the morning with your rent paid.
George was just too much of
a gypsy for me.
- He went to the bank today.
- Oh, he did?
I just couldn't wait that long.
But George is great.
Yeah, George is great.
He's great.
Hello, George!
- Hey, baby. What's happening?
- Nothing. I reconciled with Ron.
- Ron?
- The guy I divorced last summer.
Great.
- I hope you make it.
- Call me.
I don't have your number.
Stop by the shop.
Am I dry?
Think it has enough height?
You think it has the height?
Would someone feel me?
Am I dry?
- Is this a nice height?
- It looks great.
- You're late.
- Let me...
- Wait.
- I don't care.
- The girl...
- I don't care if she's dead.
- Norman says to charge for coffee.
- You know what you can tell Norman.
- Sorry.
- Don't waste my time. Understand?
It's important to me.
Let's stick to hair if you want.
- Stop. Have Mary do it.
- Have her do what?
- You have no respect for me!
- I don't?
You can't distinguish me
from your Hollywood numbers!
- My what?
- Numbers!
- That's Tickle Pink. What?
- Numbers.
I don't need to be put
in this kind of position.
- Why are you here?
- Wash and set.
You need a cut.
- Norman said...
- George says you need a cut.
- I shouldn't be put in this position.
- I'm not trying to do that.
I'll have Mary wash you. Mary?
- Wash her.
- With?
A Brillo pad. I'm not trying to
put you in a position.
Shit. I'll be right back.
- I'm taking a lot of shit lately.
- It's Norman.
Ain't no Norman.
You're like my Otis.
He can't keep off the ladies.
- How's he doing?
- Got a letter from him.
- He just made corporal squad leader.
- That's great.
Rocko, I don't believe
what you're saying to me.
That is the purest
comment I've ever made.
- Lf you can't do my hair...
- Stop. I'm going crazy.
- Why?
- I've been cutting too much hair.
I'm losing all my concepts.
Baby, you're great.
- Hey, baby. What's happening?
- They want me to go to Egypt.
Great. Jill, meet Felicia.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How did it go at the bank?
- Great.
- Could I speak to you?
- Well, I'm...
- Go ahead, George.
- Could I?
- I said I wasn't sure I could go.
- Where?
- Egypt.
- Great. I gotta get back.
- How did it go at the bank?
- Great. Can we talk later?
- Why the bank?
- Trying to get my own shop.
- Really?
- George.
- Yeah?
- You're late.
You're supposed to go to Buffums.
- Buffums?
- Yes, Buffums.
- I'm busy.
- You promised to do the show.
- Fuck, Norman!
- George.
- Gloria needs a cut?
- Her ends are split.
Well, don't you contradict me
in public again!
What is this shit about
not charging for coffee?
I'm charging $ a head already.
I'm not gonna hit them for coffee.
I want you to learn to collect.
Will you learn to nickel-and-dime?
You're gonna end up
without a pot to pee in.
- Looking great.
- What are you doing later?
- Whatever you say.
- We have this political thing tonight.
Can you comb me for it?
You went to the bank?
For a loan?
You really want your own shop?
Go see Lester.
- Your husband?
- Yes.
- About?
- The shop's a good investment.
- I'll tell him.
- Hey, I'm a star.
- George.
- Hey, baby. Say hello to Felicia.
I already did.
- When can we talk?
- I'm working now.
- I have an important decision to make.
- About what?
- Whether or not to go.
- Go where?
- Egypt!
- Did they offer you a job yet?
No! But I think they might.
I'll be right back.
- Is she the one with the ulcer?
- I don't know.
- They didn't offer you the job?
- I still want your opinion.
- Can we talk after work?
- I never know when that is.
Neither do I, baby.
Know what Lillian Bercovici did
after I sprayed her?
She touched and played with it!
I don't know what it is!
- She's heavy. You gotta take it.
- I can't stand her.
Jill?
- Shit.
- She all right?
- She's fine.
- You would be a good investment.
- Great.
- Otherwise, I wouldn't tell Lester.
- You really mean it?
- Yes.
I mean it or I wouldn't say it.
Dennis, doesn't Felicia looks great?
- Great.
- Great.
Yeah?
I don't care whether the fish
lay eggs in the Baltic.
I want beluga caviar!
Call Chasen's. Call Jurgenson's.
I don't care how much it costs...
How much?
Well, then spend it.
Be sure it's there tonight.
You gotta do everything yourself!
Felicia says you're
a good hairdresser.
Well, yeah.
- She says you're fabulous.
- Thank you.
I didn't say it. She did.
How did you get into that...
...line of work?
I went to beauty school.
You go to beauty school
and get your operator's license.
You graduate and you're a hairdresser.
It's an unusual trade.
The important thing is
you're successful at it.
- In a way, but l...
- What's this?
- The chairs from Mr. Russell.
- He calls that wholesale?
We've had it with him.
- I'm better than my boss.
- That's very good, George.
Wonderful that you want
to do something.
Thank you.
I usually don't get into personal
services. Too hard to monitor.
If you don't watch your operators
they'll steal.
- Am I right or not?
- You're right.
Who needs that aggravation?
- When I come home from work...
- Sorry, but I have to have that key.
- What key?
- I've been ringing.
The door's locked.
The man from Sloan's is coming...
How did you lose it?
George, this is Jackie.
Hi. I mean, hello.
We've met.
- Is that right?
- George is a terrific hairdresser.
That's what I hear.
- How's Norman?
- Great.
- Who's doing your hair?
- Oh, nobody much.
George wants to open a shop.
No kidding. Your own shop?
George, will you excuse us
a moment, please?
- Out, please.
- Yeah.
I called to tell you I was sending
it over, but the line was busy.
You're always on the phone.
My secretary saw you
talking to that boy.
- Steve?
- Whatever his name is. That actor.
Steve Slutes couldn't
get arrested as an actor.
He couldn't get arrested as a boy.
Then you were talking to him?
I ran into him at the station.
Should I have hidden?
I was talking to him.
You never let me see anybody.
I can't even bring
my girlfriends to the house.
You're even jealous of the dogs.
I have to talk to somebody, don't I?
I'm not jealous of the dogs.
I'm not jealous of anybody.
I can't afford to get caught off base.
I can't talk to some broken actor.
Think I'll tell him I'm screwing you?
Of course not.
- That's not very logical.
- It is logical.
It's the most logical thing.
You'd feel better if we go out
with people and have conversations.
Yes? How about starting
with tonight?
Look, sweetheart.
I know it's tough.
But my business involves
handling money for touchy people.
Politics and so forth.
Felicia's in a very difficult
period in her life.
Any divorce and settlement
and so forth and...
...my finances would
have to be looked into.
- Your touchy investors.
- You do well for people, you don't stop.
Nobody wants you to stop
making money. Not even Uncle Sam.
They all want their share.
You're lying about one thing.
- What's that?
- You're still jealous.
God, you're a doll.
I'll work something out
about tonight. I promise.
I promise.
Give me the key to Beaumont.
Come on. I'll walk you down.
Felicia's very interested
in your shop.
You may not think $
means much to me, but...
...but I invest for others as well.
- We'll need to talk more.
- When?
When?
- Well, how about tonight?
- Tonight?
Contributors are coming over
to the bistro to watch the returns.
It's a pain in the ass,
but I have to do it.
- We'll have time to talk there.
- Great.
That's great.
Maybe on your way over
you could pick up Jackie here.
It's good you want to do something.
I wish my son knew what he wanted.
Anything, something.
Maybe beauty school.
Anyway, see you tonight, doll.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
Your car down here?
I'm supposed to take Jill to El Cholo.
- She can come with us.
- I don't want her to.
All right.
- You serious about the shop?
- Are you with Lester?
- I asked you first.
- I'm never serious.
- How long you had this?
- About six weeks.
- I won't go tonight.
- Honey, please...
- Does he know we went together?
- Never came up.
Tell him. Then I'll take you.
You'd do this for any other girl.
- I'm not gonna be a beard for you.
- Why? It's against your principles?
I wonder what you do for his wife.
I don't fuck for money.
I do it for fun.
I'll do whatever you want.
You know that.
- Sometimes, George...
- Want me to do your hair?
Oh, no.
- I don't know. What do you think?
- Oh, boy.
George, you can't leave me...
Stop by the shop.
I'll see what I can do.
Gold closed $ an ounce.
At the bell, the Dow Jones Industrialclosed at . off ...... v olume million shares. One
of the most active stocks, Texaco...... / down / Sears / up / Polaroid / .Atlantic Richfield,tipped / to / .
No, I tried that stuff.
You know I always burn.
The dermatologist gave me
that stuff and it gave me a rash.
Well, that's fine for you.
No, you have different skin
than me.
All right, I'll try it.
- Do you think George is a fairy?
- Who?
That kid. The hairdresser.
Well, I don't know for sure.
He is a hairdresser.
Thank you, Mona.
Maybe he's just kooky
and likes kooky things.
Maybe. Why do you ask?
I'm thinking of investing.
But he worries me.
Why?
Maybe he's flighty and irresponsible.
That's why I asked if he was a fairy.
I don't know. He's a hairdresser.
You suggested it.
Think it's a good idea?
- Yes, but I thought, you know...
- What?
I thought you were indulging me.
You indulge me.
No, doll. I listen to you.
If the deal doesn't make any money,
that's not too bad. If handled right.
He's a nice boy.
I invited him tonight.
Just sorry he's a fairy.
What do you think?
Doctor Feldman says it's normal.
What's that?
Postnatal frigidity.
But with me it's really...
This guy expected me
to jump into bed.
I've got to feel something
tender or whatever.
- I must know somebody.
- George, line two.Line two, George.
Hi. I'd like to, Jackie, but
I told you to stop by the shop.
Chicken salad.
Okay, but I got to be
in Bel Air by .
Ask Ricci if he'd wind up
Anjanette for me.
There's still too much red.
No, it's great.
Sorry, I got to split.
I can't do anyone else.
I have an appointment.
Ricci, it's not a dye job.
- Why can't you finish?
- What's wrong?
- George can't finish her.
- I don't care.
You don't comb Mrs. Karpf till .
Why can't you finish it?
- I'm busy till .
- Doing what?
- Whatever I feel like.
- And whenever you feel like it.
It's all right. Shut up.
Hi. Come on in.
- You like a drink or something?
- No, thanks.
Well, I would.
Nice place.
Where do you want to do this?
- You got a bathroom?
- Can't we do it in here?
- What will you do?
- I'd cut it.
- Cut it?
- Yes, I think so.
- You don't seem too sure.
- I'm sure.
- You don't like it?
- It makes you look like a hooker.
What a terrible thing to say.
What do you want me to do?
Lie to you? I'd cut it.
I have to look great tonight.
I have to look absolutely great.
Hello.
Oh, hi. Just a second.
How are you?
How about what?
I can't.
You can't really come up here, Johnny.
Well, it might be difficult,
but it's not impossible.
I don't want short hair.
Not too much off, eh?
What's the matter?
- Everything's great.
- Great?
- Good.
- Good?
- It's not bad.
- Not bad is not great.
I lied a little.
- It isn't even good.
- I lied a lot.
Oh, stop it, you silly.
It's hot in here.
It's the steam room. Lester likes
it on in case he wants to use it.
Mona.
Mona, Mona, Mona!
I need you.
This earring. Will you try
to find the other one?
When George comes, tell him to wait.
I have to pick up a dress,
but be sure to tell him to wait.
I have to go to the market.
Make sure he doesn't leave.
It's important.
The guy at the bank thought
I was a hippie.
I did it to myself.
He didn't know a good thing
when he saw one.
- Jill's gonna be mad.
- She won't.
- What are you doing?
- You'll see.
Jill absolutely adores you.
Remember Myrna Lynn?
She adored me.
Then she called me a hairdresser,
and took off with some agent.
Jill is times the girl Myrna is.
- Exactly.
- What does that mean?
I don't know.
You can sense these things.
What?
She needs to be with somebody
who can take care of her.
- Closed downat .AT& T at off.RC A, / off.Revlon, up / .Shell Oil off.
What about Felicia?
- What about her?
- Did you?
- Did I what?
- Come on.
Can't wait to see Lester with me
and that cunt in the same room.
Well, did you or didn't you?
Can't stand to miss one of them,
can you?
Oh, George.
Shit.
Yeah.
Oh, you're a genius.
You're a genius.
You're a genius.
Oh, no, baby.
No. No, baby, no.
- I want to. I want to.
- No, no.
Baby, no. No, no, really.
- Sorry.
- Don't ruin it.
It's gonna ruin everything.
Jesus Christ!
- Honey!
- My God, it's Lester.
- Get up. Get up. Get up!
- Hello?
- Jackie?
- Oh, God. Do something, please.
Baby, you sleeping?
Jackie?
Jackie?
Shut the door, honey.
- Come on.
- Oh. Sorry.
- Come in or stay out.
- Shut the door.
You think this is a picnic?
Just don't let the steam out.
Hey, Jackie? I brought you
a little something, doll!
- You look like you had a workout.
- Women can get you very upset.
- I know.
- This doing hair, it's...
I know you're in the middle, but
if you'd bear with me tonight...
Oh, hey...
No, it's a difficult situation.
I appreciate it.
Tonight's going to be very,
very tough on me.
- I don't know...
- But we'll do business, son, I...
I can tell you that.
I'll clean up or the dogs
will get it all over.
What have you been doing?
You should get rid of them.
They get hair all over.
They're Yorkies, and they don't shed.
- Aren't you having a drink?
- No.
- Why not?
- I don't want one.
Have a drink. It's : .
I don't want one.
You tell me not to drink,
then to drink. Which is it?
I don't want a drink.
I called to tell you I was coming
but the line was busy.
You're always on the phone.
- You here to see my mother?
- Yeah, did...
She's out. You're supposed to wait.
Nobody's home up there. Maybe...
Are you hungry?
Yeah, a little.
This is the one thing
I like about this house.
- Want some lox?
- No, thanks.
You're my mother's hairdresser.
I do hair, yeah.
- Chopped liver?
- No, thanks.
Are you gay? Want a baked apple?
They're cold, but good.
No, thanks.
Did you hear me?
Yeah.
- Well, are you? Are you queer?
- Sure.
- Are you or not?
- This is great.
Tell me. Don't be afraid.
- Why do you want to know so bad?
- See if you're making it with my mom.
Why would it have
anything to do with that?
Nothing, I guess.
- Have you ever made it with a guy?
- You ever make it with a girl?
- Are you?
- What are you talking about?
Making it with my mother?
I'd love to do your hair sometime.
Do you like older women?
That's sort of faggoty, isn't it?
I never get my hair done.
I've never been to a beauty salon
in my whole life.
- You think that's funny, don't you?
- Yeah.
Beverly Hills hairdresser.
You might as well be a faggot.
You think that's funny too?
- No. No. No.
- Then what do you think?
I think you got exactly
the same eyes as your mother.
- Your chin's a bit like hers too.
- No, it isn't. No.
- My eyes aren't like hers either.
- They are.
I'm nothing like my mother.
I'm not trying to insult you.
Can't we just be friends?
Okay.
You want to fuck?
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
As long as you don't
ask me what sign I am.
- Are you married?
- Sometimes.
But not at the moment.
Would you like to go to a party?
George.
George.
Lorna, have you seen George,
by any chance?
- My hairdresser.
- He's in the bathroom.
He's in the bathroom.
- He's in your bathroom?
- Yeah.
Hello, George.
I should be dry by now.
- George, come here.
- What?
- You dry?
- No, don't comb my hair out.
- I'll do it now.
- Do it later, for heaven's sake.
- I'm so glad you'll be there tonight.
- What?
I'm so glad you're going
to be there tonight.
- Right here?
- Right here.
I don't care. I don't care.
- I'd better get...
- I don't want to.
- Where's your car?
- A friend dropped me off.
- Who?
- Never mind.
I'm going tonight. Jackie asked me.
- I need you to fix my hair.
- She'll pick us up pretty soon.
I'm going with somebody else.
By the way, you never said
how it went this morning.
Okay.
- Are they gonna give you the loan?
- Well...
I don't even know why I ask.
The only way you'll get
money out of a bank is to rob one.
- What are so mad about?
- Just fix my hair.
You go to Jackie's.
What about my hair?
- She asked me.
- You do whatever anybody asks?
I'm always at the end of the line.
- I'll do your hair.
- Stop kissing everybody's ass.
That won't put you in business.
- I'm trying to get things moving.
- Grow up.
You never stop moving,
you never go anywhere.
Grow up! Grow up!
- Honey, I'm sorry.
- You're right.
I just want us to have a normal
life, like everybody else.
Jesus, I just can't take it anymore.
All I want is to get up early,
run my own business...
...take you out to a movie
on the weekend.
I'm trying, honey.
I just can't get out of my own way.
I know. I know, honey.
I'm so sorry.
Honey, come on,
we don't have much time.
Sure.
What do you know about this guy?
He's a director.
- You've heard of him?
- Sure.
Movies or television?
Commercials. Make you feel better?
- Thought it might.
- Commercials.
- Who is it?
- Oh, it's nobody.
- There's Norma Stern. Look at her hair.
- George.
Looks like someone took a dump in it.
- You've been chipping on me.
- I know. Isn't it awful?
- We're upstairs, come on.
- Excuse me.
Don't let me drink too much.
You don't do that anymore, do you?
Good evening.
Check your coat?
Your coat.
Can I take this?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
In case she wants it back.
What would you like to drink?
- I'll have a stinger.
- Before dinner?
I don't know.
What do you think?
Why don't you try something?
Waiter?
- Yes, sir?
- A white dubonnet on the rocks.
- And for you?
- A little white wine.
A little white wine. And...?
I'll have a Coke.
- Soda with a twist.
- Yes, sir.
- Glad you could make it.
- Thank you.
- Hi, doll.
- Lester, this is my friend Jill.
- Hello.
- Glad to know you, Jill.
- And this is...
- Johnny Pope.
- Mr. Pope.
- Hello.
Who are they?
I've told you about Jill a hundred
times. You never listen.
- Does she know about us?
- Jesus, she's my best friend.
I need to find room for them.
Who's the guy? George's boyfriend?
- I don't know. Ask him.
- Jackie, I'm only...
Keep an eye on Jackie.
She's a bit high-strung.
See she doesn't drink too much.
See you later, doll.
- How does she know Lester Karpf?
- I don't know. Why?
Well, I just wouldn't want him
mad at me, that's all.
George.
How are you? This is Jackie.
Jackie, say hello to Felicia.
Hello, Felicia.
I'm so glad that you could make it.
I've been looking forward
to seeing you all evening.
Ohio is nothing to worry about.
I don't know.
What the fuck do you think
you're doing?
- Jesus Christ, I'm sorry.
- Never mind. I'll do it.
Why didn't you come alone?
Did you have to bring her?
She's a friend of Jill's.
Who is Jill?
She's a friend of Johnny Pope's,
the director.
- to .That leaves California, the big one.
NBC News now projects Nixonto win in South Carolina.
Jackie. Jackie.
Excuse me, I know you,
but I can't remember where.
- Bruce Barton's?
- Excuse me. Come with me.
That other couple we're with.
Do you know them well?
Why?
Why?
Maybe you know why George
went into the ladies' room.
George?
- In our administration the Americanflag will not be a doormat...
- Let me out.
- No, it's boring.
- You'll get us killed.
- It's boring.
- Come here.
- What?
Come here!
- Come here, you.
- What do you want to do?
Listen, you both have tidelands.
You both want Uncle Sam to give you
drilling permits. Do it together.
- Am I right?
- You're right.
That son of a bitch.
Everything he says is phony.
Does he think I'm some
cigar butt between his teeth?
He ignores me.
He could've at least introduced me
to someone. Couldn't he?
You're drunk.
Oh, George, what do I want?
How about some coffee?
Hi, doll.
Say, what's wrong?
You know what's wrong.
Felicia. There you are.
We were just...
You know George. And...
- Jackie Shawn.
- Jackie Shawn.
Yeah, my wi...
Felicia.
We've met.
Anyway...
Your hair looks just fabulous.
- It's George.
- Just fabulous.
- Wonder if he could do mine?
- I could try.
Do you wash your hair every day?
- Isn't that bad?
- No, it's very good.
The skin has to peel, or else
the follicles can't breathe.
That's how you lose your hair.
Remember, the follicle never dies.
This here ought to be layered.
- Layered?
- Yeah.
Otherwise it lies there and if
you layer it, it fluffs it out...
Everybody's ready for dinner.
Did they sit down?
- We don't know where to sit.
- They're waiting for you.
Waiter.
One word out of you
and I'll gargle with it.
You should've seen those kids,
senator. Forty of them, all blind.
We put mattresses on the lawn.
They came stumbling out of the house.
Having a good time.
They were blind, of course.
But it gave me a feeling
of accomplishment.
I had such a good time.
- Aren't you hungry?
- Not for rubber chicken.
Maybe I can get you something.
That's very sweet of you,
Mr. Roth.
- Sid.
- Sid.
You must be a very
important executive.
Whatever I am, I can get
you whatever you'd like.
You do?
- Whatever I'd like?
- Whatever you'd like.
Most of all...
...l'd like to suck his cock.
Where is the school located again?
- The other side of Santa Barbara.
- Curious to see it sometime.
I can't stand it. It's killing me.
Come on. Why not?
Come on. You don't want to?
- Who's the greatest cocksucker?
- You are.
Fucking A!
Excuse me, senator.
Your friend feeling
under the weather?
You phony asshole!
Oh, dear. Too bad.
- Get her out of here.
- I'll go.
- What was that?
- Illinois.
Oh, good.
- I have to take her out of here.
- Okay.
- Take her home.
- Aren't you...?
I'll see you later.
Johnny'll take me home.
- Your coat.
- Fuck it!
We won't get a winner tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have been awarded the privilege...
...of introducing our
guest of honour tonight.
Are you all right?
I'm just fine. Thanks.
- For the people, for the country...
...for our Constitution.
- Lester.
- Sweetheart, please.
I hope you like Miss Shawn.
What?
She's very nice, yeah.
I mean, normally she's...
Because she's going to be
very expensive.
Sweetheart, can't we
go into this later?
No. No, we cannot
go into this later.
Well, that's okay too.
- Senator Joe East.
- I've blown it with Lester.
- I don't think so.
- I thought you were great.
- You always say that.
And I really care for Lester, don't I?
Where should we go? Sammy's?
- Is he still having parties?
- He never stopped.
This tells the story of
the ancient grandmother...
...who upon seeing the garden gate
of her childhood...
...stops for a moment
and says, " Hello, garden gate.
Hello, garden gate.
Garden gate, hello."
Be straight with me, Lester.
Just be straight with me
for once in your life.
This party involves
more than you and me.
These people care about
more than each other.
- Is that right?
- That's right.
Some of us are trying to make
this country a better place.
Is that what it's all about?
Yes, that's what it's all about.
It's a beautiful thing he's doing.
I recall another ancient song.
My God, Lester. You're
a miserable human being.
You're not helping anybody.
You're just twisting arms to raise
money for selfish sons of bitches.
You think your business partner
will keep his hands off your girl?
Or that she's gonna keep
her hands off him?
- What do you mean?
- Think what you have time to think.
Excuse me, senator.
Ladies and gentlemen,
evacuate this room quietly...
...and quickly.
There's nothing to worry about.
Exit through the door on my right...
...continue down the stairs,
into the street.
For God's sake!
You don't have to entertain me.
- Am I entertaining you?
- We're friends.
Sure.
Go play.
There's a lot of players here.
- George. Hey, how are you doing?
- What's happening?
- You look good.
- Come on down to the jacuzzi.
- We're going there now.
- No, no, I can't.
- What's the problem?
- His car is blocked.
That's no problem.
- Gene, you want to move that truck?
- Sure.
Thank you.
Could you kids give me a ride?
I'm kind of stranded.
- Sure. Yeah. Come on.
- Good.
You all right, son?
I will be, as soon as
I can find my keys.
I'll get in the back.
- No, no.
- It's so little.
You see, nothing to it.
- What was your name, sweetheart?
- Jill.
Jill.
Yeah, Jill.
- That's wonderful, Jill.
- Thank you.
Just wonderful.
Hi, what are we doing?
Mr. Karpf needed a ride home.
I said we'd take him. Do you mind?
Of course not.
Call me Les.
Where to, Les?
Would you kids like to
stop off for a drink?
We'd love to, but we're going
to another party.
That's wonderful.
I'll stop off there for a drink.
You never were a tit man, were you?
Ass and legs.
Look who's talking.
Do you know why I used to
get so angry with you?
I wouldn't settle down.
Because you're always so happy...
...about everything.
I was?
I found it rather unrealistic.
Your type.
Very nice.
- You want children?
- I don't think about it.
There's so much to do and so many
places to go while I'm still free.
You know, unattached.
We're kidding ourselves.
We are?
You know, last night I had a dream.
I was years old...
...and I was supposed to
meet Jill at the shop.
Boy, it scared the hell out of me.
Why?
I can't imagine being
with Jill when I'm .
I can't imagine not being with you.
When do you go to Egypt?
Two weeks from tomorrow.
Same time you do.
You're kidding.
Really?
I don't know how to say this.
Would you like to come home with me?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Yeah?
Why not?
We shouldn't leave that
poor man here alone.
Les? He won't care.
I know. But let's go
tell him we're leaving.
What is it, man?
- Where can I get a towel?
- By the tennis court.
Thanks.
That's what I call fucking.
Am I right or am I right?
Come on, Les. Let's get out of here.
Oh, my God!
You bastard!
Where have you been?
We've been looking for you.
You son of a bitch!
- Jill?
- Oh, God!
Baby?
Jesus, what shall I do?
I better get her. Wait here.
Jill! Jill!
Honey! Jill!
Jackie! Honey? Shit.
Jackie! Jackie!
Jill?
This is George Roundy.
I left a message earlier for Jackie.
Has she picked it up yet?
No, just tell her I called twice.
Thank you.
- Want me to come in with you?
- No.
I'll call you in a few minutes.
I don't want to fight.
I don't want to fight either.
I'm sorry.
Bullshit.
- Why didn't he come in?
- I didn't want him to.
I hope he doesn't mind me.
Did you get a job out of it?
I'd like you to leave now.
And take this with you.
- Where did this come from?
- Who knows? I'm sure you don't.
But if it'll help any,
I found it in your bed.
Obviously there were others.
Weren't there?
Obviously.
- How many?
- Why?
- Because I want to know.
- What's the difference?
I don't want girls knowing
and me not knowing.
- Don't do this.
- It'll help me.
- It'll help me.
- How?
I'll know that you've
lied to me all along.
I'll know that you're incapable
of love, and that'll help me.
If it'll do any good.
I just...
You really want to know?
Yes.
There were a couple...
I mean there...
Let's face it. I fucked them all.
That's what I do. That's why I
went to beauty school.
They're always there, and l...
I don't know why I'm apologizing.
So sometimes I fuck them.
I go into that shop
and they're so great-looking.
I do their hair. They feel and smell
great. I'd be on the street...
...at a stoplight, or go
into an elevator. There's...
...a beautiful girl. I don't know.
That's it. It makes my day.
It makes me feel like
I'm gonna live forever.
As far as I'm concerned with what
I'd liked to have done in my life...
I know I should've accomplished more
but I have no regrets. I mean...
Maybe that means I don't love them.
Maybe it means I don't love you.
Nobody's gonna tell me
I don't like them very much.
Jesus.
I'm glad you told me.
I wish you'd go now.
Hi. No, everything's fine, really.
How long have you been here?
All night.
You live like a pig.
Yeah.
Hal, wait outside.
Having lost eight yearsago and won this year, I can say...... that winning's a lot more fun.
Who are those guys?
What do they look like?
You unhappy about something, Lester?
Sit down.
- Now wait a minute...
- I said sit down.
Either you admit it, or I'll see
they pound it out of you.
- They do it well.
- Okay.
I want to know about it.
- Jesus.
- I want to know how you think.
Have them put me away, or whatever...
Do you get your kicks by
taking advantage of people?
- Trying to be anti-establishment?
- I'm not anti-establishment.
- You have something against me?
- You think I planned it?
Jackie, Felicia.
Did they have something against me?
- They could be pissed about something.
- Tell me.
I don't know what they've got
against you. They're women, right?
Ever listen to women talk?
I do till it's running out my ears.
They only talk about one thing:
How some guy fucked them over.
That's all that's on their minds.
That's all I ever hear about.
I follow your thinking on that.
They know we're always
trying to nail them.
They don't like it.
They like it and they don't like it.
It's got nothing to do with you.
It just happened.
Felicia just shops,
gets her hair done.
- She's aging. Her daughter hates her.
- Wait a minute.
You think Lorna hates her?
- She may resent her a little, but...
- Are you kidding? She hates her.
Why?
- I mean, why is that?
- How would I know?
I don't know.
You want a drink?
No, thanks.
- Oh, have a drink.
- Okay. Thanks.
There ain't a clean glass here.
Jesus Christ. What a way to live.
I never lived like this,
even at your age.
Not even when I never had a dime.
It's a hell of a way to treat
a business partner.
- Who?
- Me.
- You weren't gonna give me the money.
- I was gonna give you the money.
Probably, I would've.
Shit, I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
But you never know.
One minute, you're here, the next...
I just wish I knew
what the hell I was living for.
A teenager held up the sign,"Bring U s Together"...... and that will be
the great objective...
... of this administrationat the outset.To bring the American people together.This will be an open administration.
You can lose it all,
no matter who you are.
Why have it all?
Market went down points last week.
Goddamn Lyndon Johnson!
Yeah, well...
...maybe Nixon will be better.
What's the difference?
They're all a bunch of jerks.
I don't know what to do with you.
I don't know what's right or wrong.
At least you do what you want.
But me? I'm shit.
What about Jackie?
Never mind. She's a whore. I go over,
have drinks, get my gun off.
I'm through with her. She's a whore.
You could call everybody a whore.
She really likes you.
It's not just the bread.
- You think so?
- Yes, I do.
No, I'm through with her.
By the way, you want me
to say hello to Lorna for you?
What the hell, go easy on him.
Just having a little fun.
Come on, Hal. Let's go home.
Listen. I'll call you
tomorrow about the shop.
Christ, I'm beat.
Devra, call Jackie Shawn.
Keep trying till you get her.
Mrs. Schumann and Mrs. Young
are waiting for you.
She's on the Rolodex.
Will you get her? Sorry.
- Where's Mary?
- She's with Norman.
I asked you to call Jackie. Do it.
- Mary will have to wash...
- Not today.
What are you talking about?
What's going on here?
I'm not the shampoo girl.
Can you give me a little help?
- What's wrong with Norman?
- Settle down. His son was killed.
- Killed?
- Car accident.
Near Oceanside...
...on his way back to Pendleton.
It was foggy and a truck jumped
the divider on the freeway.
Lord, have mercy.
Just a minute. Almost ready.
Where you going?
- Oh! You'll have to go.
- I gotta leave?
- Honey, you have to get out of here.
- Why?
Lester's on his way.
- Where are you going?
- We'll talk about it later.
- Honey, about last night...
- Oh, forget about it. It's okay.
- We'll talk when I get back.
- I want to talk now.
- Where you going?
- You leave, or I will.
I don't want the two of us here
when Lester comes.
That's him.
- It's a cleaner.
- Fine. I'm leaving!
Honey.
Cleaners.
You're gonna kill me.
What are you trying to do?
I want you to marry me.
I want to take care of you.
I want you to have a baby with me.
I'm a fuck-up, but I'll take
care of you. I'll make you happy.
What do you think?
It's too late.
We're not dead yet.
That's the only thing that's too late.
Lester's left Felicia.
We're going to Acapulco today.
He's asked me to marry him.
Honey.
Honey, please.
Please, honey.
I don't trust anybody but you.
Baby.
- Lester's at the house.
- Don't go, honey. Please don't.
I have to go. I can't just leave
him standing there. I have to go.
The puppies are in the car.
I can't think of anything else,
so why don't we just take off?
Okay?