Shanghai Knights Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shanghai Knights script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shanghai Knights. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Shanghai Knights Script



            Not one step further.

            The keeper of the lmperial Seal.

            Just the man l was looking for.

            A woman.

            You Chinese are very progressive.

            A gift from an old friend.

            Wu Chow.

            He wanted me to send his regards.



              The seal. You must get it back.

              l promise.

              Give this... to your brother.

              What are you reading?

              Oh. "Roy O'Bannon vs. The Mummy."

              lt's incredible.

              Roy's just taken out the Mummy's entire army

              of zombie confederate soldiers, and he only had one bullet.

              That's impossible.

              Oh, no, it's not.

              Roy figured out the physics of the canyon

              and then ricocheted a bullet off the canyon wall.

              Nailed each zombie through the heart.

              What about the Shanghai Kid?

              He was captured and knocked out on page   

              while he was polishing Roy's pearl handles.

              Don't you worry.

              Roy's about to save him from becoming a human sacrifice.

              Those stories are all lies.

              No. See?

              lt says right here on the back.

              "Author Sage McCallister bases all his stories

              on firsthand accounts."

              Sorry, sheriff. No princess.

              Every day you meet the noon stage.

              Every day it's the same story.

              She's not coming back.

              Pei Pei's married to her work in San Francisco.

              Modern woman.

              Sheriff, you got a parcel.

              Hey, maybe it's from her!

              No. lt's from my sister in China.

              l know.

              l know. l must go.

              Stay here and be a good horsey for the new sheriff.

              Uh, sheriff, that stage is headed east.

              lsn't China kind of west of here?

              l'm not going to China. l'm going to New York.

              Roy invested my money.

              ls it true that he lives in a penthouse at the top of the Ritz

              surrounded by dozens of beautiful women

              at his every beck and call?

              That's the old Roy.

              He's married, settled down.

              Trust me, he's changed.

              So there we were. Completely outnumbered.

              He didn't have to tell me we didn't stand a chance.

              So l send the Shanghai Kid and the princess out the back.

              Poor Shanghai Kid. He was so frightened.

              He forgot to thank me for saving his life.

              l'm used to that.

              Now, l returned to the front, and l counted to three...

              and l burst out of the mission.

              Pearl handles blazing. Lead flying everywhere.

              And not a single bullet touched me.

              -No! -Yeah.

              What happened to the emperor's gold?

              Well, we divided it up.

              l insisted on giving my share to the lndians.

              The savages?

              Please don't ever call those noble people savages.

              lf being proud of your body

              and wanting to ride around naked all day makes you a savage,

              then, by God, you're drinking with a savage.

              And that is what you call a French toast.

              You are so sophisticated, Mr. O'Bannon.


              Who's up for some more bubbly?

              Reach for the sky, Roy.

              Say that again.

              Reach for the sky, Roy.

              Chon Wang!

              You sly son of a gun!

              -Look at you! -Look at you!

              -What brings you to New York? -My share of the gold.

              Refresh my memory. What gold?

              The emperor's gold.

              Okay, now, that gold is in

              what the Wall Street pros call a long-term investment.

              We can't touch it because it's building.

              l need it tonight.

              You just got here. Let's celebrate.

              No. l don't have time.

              -You just got to the big city. -My father's been killed.

              Chon, l'm...

              You need the money to get back for the funeral?

              No. l must go to England. The ship leaves tonight.

              Your father died in England?

              China. My sister followed the murderer to London.

              Wait. Murderer. l'm a little bit mixed up.

              Let me see if l can get the facts straight.

              You have a sister? You never told me you had a sister.

              ls she pretty or does she look like you? Be honest.

              Roy, l need my money!

              l don't like that tone of voice.

              You think after all we've been through l'd stiff you?

              l'm doing pretty well for myself.


              -l'm sorry, Roy. -That's okay.

              You're going through a really tough time right now.

              You got to be more trusting of people, okay?

              Look at me. lt's Roy.

              The couple at table   is ready to order.

              Do you work here?

              No, l don't work here.

              lt looks like these guys are wearing a similar jacket.

              Roy, here's your cut of the tips.

              lt's the craziest thing.

              l guess because l come in here so much

              they're mistaking me for a waiter.

              -lt's embarrassing. -You lost the gold.

              -Not all of it. -Where's the rest?

              l have one word for you. Zeppelin.

              l need my money now!

              -Easy, easy.

              Will you do anything for this money?

              Yes. l must leave tonight.

              Okay. Take this key.

              Go to the room. Get cleaned up.

              Your old pal Roy's got a plan.

              Go! Come on!

              Howdy, big boy.


              There's a woman in there! She wants me to sleep with her.

              Of course she does.

              l told her the Great Wall ain't the only big thing

              coming out of China.

              -Why did you say that? -So you could get the money.

              l will not sleep with women for money!


              l'm gonna sleep with her for money.

              Chon, just go in there and do your business

              and think about your sister in England.

              -What? -Roy!

              -Duty calls. -Roy!

              Good evening, Mr. Mayor.

              Where are they?


              My daughters.

                th floor.

              Roy? Roy, you got trouble.


              l got to check on something. l'll be right back.

              Chon, new plan. We got to go.

              -Chon, what are you doing?!

              l'm fixing her back.

              Put her down, you decadent Philistine.

              Hey, Chon, come on! Let's go!

              -Bye-bye. -Bye.

              Come on!

              l don't understand. What's going on?

              l don't have time to explain.

              All you have to know is there are bad men after us...

              but l'm in the right.

              -Roy. -You gotta trust me on this.

              Okay, look.

              l'm in a transitional phase in my life.

              -But... -But what?

              You want to know the truth?

              l'm a little lost right now.

              l see you. You've got a sense of purpose.

              But look at me. l'm a   -year-old waiter/gigolo.

              Where's the future in that?

              So what's the plan?

              You were always my compass, Chon.

              The plan. You ask me the right questions.

              The plan?

              The plan, l think, is to find the right woman.

              Raise a lot of children and teach them values.

              No, Roy. The plan to get out of here.

              Okay, the plan. Here we go.

              -Cops! Cops! -They can help us.

              No, no. Chon, not these cops.

              These are dirty cops. They take advantage of people.

              Now, if they stop us, remember, l'm not Roy O'Bannon.

              Who are you?

              l'm your friend Smoky Desperado from the West.

              And who am l?

              You. You're Benihana.

              -Benihana. -Yeah.

              You teach crippled children yoga here in the city.

              -You go first. -No! Why me?

              Because you blend in, okay?

              Now, go! Don't let them see you!


              Hey! Hey!


              Come on. Stop wasting time.


              Chon, l found our ticket out of here.

              We're on our way.

              Looks like old Roy came through again.

              Just like old times, Chon.

              Check over there!

              -Over to the alley! -That way!

              Yeah, just like old times.

              Will you forget about the gold for a second?

              You're gonna have more money than you ever dreamed of

              when that first zeppelin takes off.

              Why do l always believe you?

              What do you mean?

              You're lucky l didn't invest

              in that ridiculous automobile idea.

              Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money.

              What's that?

              Doghouse. l'm in the doghouse.

              Oh, come on, Chon.

              Look, l'm sorry l lied.

              l just didn't want to disappoint you.

              That's exactly what l mean.

              l can't take that look.

              l learned it from my father.

              That's how he used to look at me.

              What did your dad do? Was he an lmperial Guard?


              Much more important.

              He was the keeper of the lmperial Seal.

              That's what l love about China.

              Everybody's job description sounds so damn cool.

              The seal has been symbol of the emperor's power

              since Genghis Khan.

              lt has been passed down from one emperor to another.

              My family have been watching over it for    generations.


              My father and l used to skip stones across the moat

              and talk about a day l would follow his footsteps.

              l was his only son.

              lf l'd have been there, l could have protected him.

              lt's not your fault. You were      miles away.

              What's with that little box?

              My sister sent it to me from my father.

              -There's a message inside. -What's it say?

              lt's a puzzle box. l don't know how to open yet.

              What do you mean?

              Get a hammer and smash it open so you can see what it says.

              l must have patience.

              By the time l'm able to open it...

              l will be ready to read the message.

              Come on, Confucius.

              That's the corniest thing l've ever heard.

              Let me see this.

              You know what?

              We're gonna go to England.

              We're gonna find your dad's killer.

              We're gonna get that seal back.

              There's no reward for this, Roy.

              Who said anything about a reward?

              l'm talking about friendship, loyalty, honor.


              Thank you, Roy.

              And l hear England is ass soup.

              A lot of pretty girls there.

              First order of business, my Lords...

              is a report from our esteemed friend Lord Rathbone...

              who recently returned from a diplomatic mission to China.

              Fellow Lords...

              l'm afraid l bring disturbing news from the Orient.

              The opium wars have ravaged the land.

              The emperor's enemies are organizing.

              The most vicious are the Boxers.

              A godless band of rebels who murder without discretion.

              China is not well.

              l have brought back an envoy who should give us some insight

              into the inscrutable mind of the Chinese.

              ls he mad?

              Given to Her Majesty Queen Victoria by the emperor

              in recognition of her    glorious years on the throne.


              Long live the queen.

              Jack the Ripper strikes again!

              Extra! Extra! Read all about it.

              Howdy, partner.

              The English are not very friendly.

              They're just sore losers.

              What did they lose?

              A little thing called the American Revolution, Chon.

              Never heard of it.

              l'll give you the highlights.

              They came over with about a million men.

              We had a bunch of farmers with pitchforks

              and beat 'em like a drum.

              Hey! l'm walking here!

              You're driving on the wrong side of the road!

              Bunch of amateurs. These people don't get it.

              Hello, ladies.

              Look at you.

              What? l'm not supposed to notice a pretty lady?

              l thought you wanted to settle down and have a family.

              l do, Chon. l just hope l can.

              Why not?

              Sometimes l worry that all the damn horseback riding

              l did out in the West,

              bouncing up and down on the hard saddles might have made it

              so my salmon don't swim upstream the way they're supposed to.


              l might be shooting blanks.


              Don't say anything.

              Roy, it's okay.

              Some people are not meant to have a family.

              l've always had such a special connection with children.

              The little ankle biters.

              Hey, watch it, you little punk!

              Pardon me, guv.

              You gents lost your way?

              Yeah. We're looking for my sister.

              She's staying at    Oxford Street.

              l know it well, guv. Me old man used to live there.

              Can you show us the way?

              Well, memory's a little dodgy.

              But l'm sure for a bob l could get you there.

              What do you take us for? Okies from Muskogee?

              Go sell your bullshit someplace else.

              We're not buying.

              Thanks for the tip, guv.

              Hey! l stole that watch from my uncle!


              This way.

              Come here, you little rubbish eater!

              What did l tell you about poaching on our turf, Charlie?

              l'm on the straight and narrow. Honest.

              What's this, then?

              After l'm through beating you...

              you're gonna wish you never ran away from the workhouse!

              Leave the boy alone.

              Bloody tourists! Get your noses out of it!

              Do whatever you want to the kid...

              but that's my watch.

              Well, there's a load of us and only two of you.

              So piss off!

              Easy, fellas. You've lost one war this way.

              Don't make the same mistake twice.

              Come on! After him!


              There he is! Get him!

              We've got him now. Move in, lads.

              Boys, boys, wait, wait!

              Come on! Get him!

              Up the bloody ladder!

              Hey! Hey!

              Watch it!


              Come here, you!


              Move it!


              Did you see that?

              lt's okay.


              l call that one my kung pao chicken.

              l clotheslined the sucker.

              Come on, get back!

              Clear away!

              Make way!

              l think you gentlemen should accompany me back to the yard.

              This isn't a yard! lt's a jail!

              Roy, calm down.


              Wait! Someone's coming!

              -Let me handle this. -l'm gonna handle it.

              The English aren't like you.

              They don't get all emotional. Touchy-feely.

              Do me a favor.

              Park the kung fu. Let me do the talking.

              Come here. Let me give you a hug.

              l've been after that Fleet Street gang for two years.

              Then you two come along and bring them down

              in a single afternoon. Brilliant!

              Now, um...

              Oh, that's my watch!

              Yes. A street urchin turned it in.

              The little punk better not have scuffed it.

              -l hope your luck picks up. -What do you mean?

              l deduced from your watch that you'd hit a rough patch.

              He has. How do you know?

              lt's an investigative technique l've developed.

              l can deduce intimate details about an individual

              through a close scrutiny of their personal effects.

              What else can you tell?

              The owner of this watch is a bad gambler

              and a lousy shot.

              Although he's cheated death several times...

              he spends most of his life wandering in a rather pathetic

              and futile search for purpose and respect.

              Oh, yes.

              He has a penchant for loose women.

              Wow. That's amazing.

              l'm sure it's a very popular party trick

              at birthdays for small children...

              but it doesn't quite play with adults.

              Just to set the record straight.

              Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women.

              Loose women are attracted to me.

              -You're Roy O'Bannon? -Yeah.

              The famous Western folk hero?

              Have you heard of me?

              Have l heard of you?

              l've only read "Roy O'Bannon vs. The Mummy" five times.

              lt's fascinating.

              l want you to meet the Shanghai Kid.

              Oh, yes.

              The faithful Chinese sidekick.

              l'm not a sidekick. Those stories are all lies.

              Come on, don't be bitter.

              l can't help what Sage McCallister writes.

              lf there's anything l can do, l'm at your service.

              We're looking for my sister. She's staying at this address.

              Can you take us there?

              Oh, dear.

              l think you'd better come with me.



              lf you don't mind, l'll just wait outside.

              lntroduce me.

              Oh. This is Lin, my baby sister.

              Roy O'Bannon.


              You never told me your sister was such a...

              beautiful lotus blossom.

              What'd she say?

              No, no, no.

              No talking about me in your native tongue.

              Why are you in jail?

              l followed the man who murdered Father.


              l found out where he live.

              l snuck inside his house and tried to kill him.

              lt's my duty to find Father's killer.

              No, it is mine! l'm the one who promised Father.

              But l'm his only son.

              When you abandoned us for America...

              Father said he had no son.


              Whoa. Time out.

              Time out. Come here.

              The detective's a fan.

              Why don't l play the celebrity card?

              We'll get her out that way.

              -Okay? -Okay.

              Don't worry. l'll get you out.

              Everything's gonna be okay.

              ln fact, l'm gonna give you my good-luck playing cards.

              Just ignore the naked ladies.


              Have you opened Father's box?

              Not yet.

              She tried to assassinate Lord Rathbone

              whilst he was taking afternoon tea.

              He's   th in line to the throne...

              Her Majesty's favorite cousin...

              and the finest swordsman in England.

              So, of course, the press had a field day.

              The story actually knocked Jack the Ripper off the front page.

              Artie, Lin is not a killer.

              She's just a really, really, really hot...

              confused Chinese girl.

              Maybe if l agreed to sign a few autographs

              and talk to some of my fans here in England...

              do some type of charity event, can we get her out that way?

              l'm afraid that's out of the question.

              What will happen to my sister?

              She'll go to trial, probably be locked away

              in an institution for the criminally insane.

              The tabloids have already dubbed her "Loony Lin."

              l thought it was rather catchy.

              At the time.

              Do you have any notion what would happen

              if we were to be seen together?

              Since your return, l have yet to lay eyes on the lmperial Seal.

              l'm hosting a jubilee ball at my country estate tomorrow.

              Be at the stables at midnight.

              As requested, a token of my esteem.

              This is where you get out.

              l hope there will be more trust between us

              when l'm emperor and you are the new king.

              Wow. Buckingham Palace. Look at that, Chon.

              That's where the queen lives.

              Hey, look at this guy.

              He's a royal guard. He has a very important job.

              l used to be just like him.

              No, they're nothing like you.

              They're a tourist attraction.

              You can make faces at them, insult them...

              and they can't move a muscle.

              -Here. Watch this. -Roy...

              No, it's okay.

              Hey, buddy, your shoes are untied.

              That is the biggest damn beaver l have ever seen.

              Roy, stop it.

              The queen!

              Look! The queen!

              She's mooning us!

              He almost went for that.

              My friend and l just came over from America.

              You might have heard of it. We run your jerkwater country.

              Come on, you gonna take that from a colonial?

              Roy, stop it.

              l bet you are one hell of a damn poker player.

              No hard feelings.

              They can't do that!

              You're not allowed to do that!

              Shouldn't have touched him.

              You scram, you little punk.

              l've got friends at Scotland Yard.

              l'll give you up in a heartbeat.

              You get your watch back?

              Don't worry about my watch. Go on.

              lt's a knockoff.

              What are you talking about?

              My uncle stole this watch from President Lincoln.

              lt's a priceless family heirloom.

              Not according to the pawnbroker.

              You should not steal.

              lf l don't steal, l don't eat.

              Who showed you how to do all that kicking and punching?

              My father.

              Have you ever heard of those? They're parents.

              You don't 'cause you're a little orphan.

              Now, go on. You're cramping our style.

              Oh, this country blows.

              You need a place to stay?

              Come on in and warm your dogs.

              You can get into a lot of trouble

              breaking into a place like this.

              That being said, well done.

              You just ate the last chocolate.

              Course l did.

              You gotta look out for number one.

              l could really get used to this.

              Living the life of a country gentleman.

              Maybe doing a little painting.

              Let Lin play in the garden with the children.

              Vera, Chuck, and Dave.

              Who's Lin?

              Lin's the most beautiful woman l've ever met.

              She's gonna be the savior of the house of O'Bannon.

              Chon, check out the threads.

              All l'm missing is the loyal hound curled at my feet.

              We are wasting time. We must find Rathbone.

              What do you think l've been doing?

              Sitting here drinking expensive hooch?


              l've been working on a plan.

              Now -- Whoa. Don't slosh the brandy.

              -lt messes with the bouquet. -Sod off.

              l'm trying to teach you a skill set.

              Help get you off the street.

              -Bartenders make big bucks. -Roy!

              The plan.

              Thank you, Chon.

              lf we find the seal...

              we can prove Rathbone killed your dad.

              lt's the old Hail Mary play.

              l also have a version where we dig a tunnel.


              Bloody catapult. Jesus Christ!

              -You don't need a catapult! -Who asked you?

              You don't interrupt grown-ups when they're talking.

              "Lord Nelson Rathbone requests the pleasure of your company

              at the jubilee ball

              in honor of Her Majesty's   th year on the throne."

              Sounds good.

              lt doesn't address security.

              They're not gonna let Chon and l

              waltz into the castle.

              All you need is a proper disguise.

              l do like a good disguise.

              l look like a fool.

              What?! You're a maharaja. That's lndian royalty.

              -But l'm Chinese. -lt's the same thing.

              Bob your head a little bit.

              Gives you more of a lndia-royalty flavor.

              That's good. Good show, good show.

              Good show, good show.

              -Cheerio, cheerio. -Cheerio, cheerio.

              What do we do when we see Rathbone?

              Kill him.

              No, okay? No!

              You're gonna be civil, 'cause we don't have the seal.

              No seal. No Lin. No family honor. Okay?

              Be cool. Okay, we look great.

              Let's enjoy this party.

              -Whoa. What are you doing? -l'm going inside.

              -The place is haunted. -You're the harness man.

              You get back at the carriage.

              You wait in case we need to make a quick getaway.

              Go on. Man your post.

              You don't always get what you want.

              Why are you so mean to that boy?

              l see a lot of myself in that kid.

              lt's kind of freaking me out. Come on.

              Your name, please, sir.

              So l can announce you.

              Sherlock... Holmes.

              Sherlock Holmes.

              Which province do you represent, Your Highness?


              May l present Major General Sherlock Holmes

              and His Highness, the maharaja of Nevada.

              How are the security arrangements?

              Oh, everything seems to be going swimmingly, my Lord.

              And if l may say so...

              it is an honor to guard Your Lordship tonight.

              l speak for all of us at Scotland Yard

              when l say that no matter how far you are from the throne...

              you'll always be number one in our hearts.

              Okay, here's the plan.

              We're gonna get a little chow.

              Then we're gonna sneak out of here.

              -Start looking for that seal. -Okay.

              -Spotted Dick, sir? -What?

              Spotted Dick.

              Can you believe this guy?

              l'm trying to get something to eat.

              He's asking me if l got the clap.

              l think he's offering you food.

              Oh. Spotted Dick.

              Oh, no. l think l'll pass.

              l'm not really a dessert man.

              Perhaps my friend might like some Spotted Dick.

              l might try one of these sausages.

              A little smoky Joe.

              This is good!

              l thought the food here was supposed to suck.

              The haggis is fresh from Scotland, sir.

              lt's made from the finest sheeps' bladders.

              l'm gonna get some whiskey and wash my mouth out.

              You should try the quail.

              l shot them myself this morning.

              How do you do, Your Lordship?

              Very well, thank you.

              l'm not acquainted with the Nevada province.

              But l haven't been to lndia since '  .

              l spent most of my time in the Orient.

              l hear you've just returned from China.

              You are well-informed, maharaja.

              lt is my dream that the Chinese people

              will follow lndia's example and one day embrace British rule.

              The Chinese are very proud.

              They place family and honor above all else.

              Well, l'm sure we can break them of that.

              lf you'll excuse me, l have a matter to attend to.

              Until we meet again.

              Patience. l'm proud of you, Chon.

              We must find the seal.

              What do you see?

              Shh, shh, shh!

              He just pulled a fancy dragon key out of his desk.

              That was my father's!

              l must avenge his honor.

              Hey, slow down, tiger. Slow down.

              Quit going all Chinese on me.

              Where is he?

              Damn it. Remember your puzzle box. Patience.

              Okay, there are no windows.

              We just came in through the only doorway.

              That leaves one explanation.

              Remember in "Roy O'Bannon vs. The Mummy"

              how the zombie king got away

              when l chased him into the pharaoh's tomb?

              There's a secret passageway behind the sphinx.

              There's gotta be a lever or a button over here.

              Help me lift some stuff up.


              The painting. lt's looking at me.

              -Look! -Oh, yeah.

              Looks like it's looking at me. That's great.

              No, real eyes. Moving!

              That kid got to you, didn't he?

              Unbelievable! We're not in a haunted house.

              That's a technique that an artist uses.

              "Ubiquitous gaze" or "pursuant eyes" is the technical term.

              lt's unnerving, though. l'll give you that.

              Roy. Now, those eyes. Look!

              Whatever you say, Chon.

              Let's see what you got here, Rathbone.


              What, Chon? Are the statues moving now?


              l can't hear myself think with you shouting at me.


              Chon? Chon?

              This is ridiculous.

              lf you want to act like a child and play games...

              then find someone else...

              'cause l take this stuff seriously.

              l'm here to work. l'm on a mission.


              Okay, Chon.

              Okay, you little Chinese otter.

              Let's play.

              Chon, demons!

              She's gonna fight my battles for me.

              Come on. Let's go.

              What? What are you doing?

              lt's kinky. l like it.

              Wow! Look at this.

              Wait. There's something different about this room.


          Let's go!

          -Wang! -Chon, for God's sakes.

          -Now he shows up. -l found it.

          Wait. Do you want to hear?

          The seal's gone.



            Are we gonna come back?


            Must you keep doing that?

            l was taught not to be seen or heard.

            The seal.

            l am a man of my word.

            l remember watching my brother play with this

            like a baby rattle.

            When l'd try to touch it, the dowager empress beat me.

            No doubt your deprived childhood

            made you into the man you are today.

            Wu Chow.

            Wu who?

            He is the emperor's bastard brother.

            He was banished from the Forbidden City

            for trying to steal the lmperial Seal.

            Our father caught him.

            He vowed to return to claim the emperor's throne.

            This guy?

            l'll assume everything has been arranged as discussed.

            You have nothing to worry about. lt's all in place.

            That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw.

            -Look at that. -Roy.

            Don't even think about it.

            l'm just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon.

            So for now, our business is completed.

            Where's Lin?!

            Hey! Hey!


            Just looking out for number one.


            The kid got the seal!


            lt's stuck.


            Go! You can do it!

            She's got it.

            She's got it!

            Roy! Come on!

            Chon, what in our history together

            makes you think l'm capable of something like that?

            -Roy! -l can't do that!

            Hurry up!


            There's a better way.

            Slow down!

            l'm a bat out of hell!


            Besides, l don't know where the brake is.


            Look out!

            So, what now, buddy?

            Relax, relax. Smooth sailing from here.

            Yes, these are the men who attacked me.

            l'm afraid the assailants have temporarily eluded us, my Lord.

            Perhaps you could explain to me

            how Loony Lin managed to escape

            from the confines of Scotland Yard under the watch

            of the most respected police force in the world.

            Yes, of course. lt's absolutely fascinating.

            She picked the lock

            using a deck of rather risque playing cards.

            Then scaled the walls with a mop, a fork...

            and various pilfered undergarments.

            You've got to hand it to the Chinese.

            They're awfully ingenious, Lord, aren't they?

            Does your incompetence know no bounds?!

            Where am l?


            l don't even know these women.

            Lin, what are you doing here?

            Oh, Lord.

             Do you want to try the position on page    ?

              Come here, you little minx.


              -You okay? -No, l'm not okay.

              l've just been violated by a barnyard animal.

              Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of the field?

              l don't know, Chon. These people are nuts.

              Come on.

              -Can l tell you something? -What?

              This is a hell of a damn adventure we're on.

              l'm having an absolute ball with you.

              Me too.

              Here we go.

              Get your thumb out, maharaja.

              -Why? -Get over here.

              Excuse me!

              -Lin! -Lin!

              My shoulder's getting a little tight.

              This is your first time in England, isn't it?

              How do you know your way around? lt's incredible.

              l always had a good sense of direction.

              You can say that again.

              l wish we could say the same about you-know-who.

              l once sent him over a mountain range.

              He was lost forever.

              One time, l sent him over the Great Wall.

              -He was lost for three days. -Three days?!

              Oh, gosh, we got a lot in common.

              l've never met anybody like you, Roy.

              -Really? -Yeah.

              Hey, can l tell you something without you getting offended?


              You have a great body.

              There. l said it. lt's out in the open.

              -You must work out. -Me?

              Excuse me.

              Chon, what are you doing?

              l don't like the backseat.

              Makes me sick. Dizzy.


              This looks like a nice enough neighborhood.

              -What is Puss 'n' Boots? -lt's a boardinghouse.

              Some of the sailors on the ship coming over recommended it.

              Come on. Come on!

              l won't let my sister stay here.

              What are we supposed to do? Check in to the Savoy?

              We'll get arrested before we get to our room.

              l don't mind this place.

              See? She's a little open-minded.

              l know this sounds crazy 'cause l just met her...

              but l think l'm falling for her.

              l think she's the one.

              Roy, she's my baby sister.

              l know she is. Thank God!

              That's the only chance l've got.

              l'm getting ready to launch a little thing

              called "Operation Sweep Her Off Her Feet."

              You're in a position to talk me up.

              Can l count on you?

              Please, buddy, l've never asked you for anything.

              Sure, Roy. l'll tell her the truth.

              Don't get hung up on the truth.

              Feel free to smooth out your old pal's rough edges.

              l love you, buddy.

              Lin. Come.


              Hello, love.

              Fancy a tumble?

              Oh! Where were you two days ago?

              l would have bedded you in a second.

              Now you're looking at a changed man.

              l'm sort of saving myself for someone special.

              l'll give you a discount.

              That's the most romantic thing any woman's ever said to me.

              You better go.

              You better go before we lose control. Go!

              lf you change your mind...


              Our father would talk about the right man for you.

              He must be strong, courageous...

              and a good father.

              -Like Roy. -We got her, Chon.

              Not like Roy.

              You don't know him like l do.

              He has many bad habits.

              Such as?

              He drinks, smokes, and he gambles.

              Chon, where are you going with this?

              He sleeps with women for money.

              What are you --

              Roy don't do that. l can see inside him.

              He has a good heart.

              That's right.

              His salmon don't swim upstream.

              He shoots blanks.

              Lin, he cannot be trusted.

              How could you say that? You're his friend.

              Yeah, sort of.

              Roy is the type of a friend

              you'd never introduce to your other friends

              or bring home to your family.

              He never speak the truth. You know what l call him?

              Not Roy O'Bannon. Roy O'Baloney.

              l don't care.

              Lin, l forbid it.

              You are not my father.

              Roy, there you are.

              -Hi. -Mm-hmm.

              You need anything, buddy?

              A whole lot of "leave me alone."

              What's wrong?


              l woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

              l feel a little pain in my back like someone put a knife there.

              l'm okay.

              Don't worry about me.


              That actually reminds me of a trick.

              You ever seen this one?!

              Or this one?!

              You think you're so cool with your karate

              and your childlike reflexes.

              Roy, you okay?

              Look at you.

              Do you really call me Roy Baloney?

              Roy, you don't understand.

              You just smashed my puzzle box.

              l'll never figure out my message.

              -Roy... -Go.

              You're dead to me.

              l don't know a Chon Wang.


              Hi, Roy.

              Who loves you, baby?

              -Nice try, Chon. -Roy...

              l'm sorry.

              You do that again, and you're a dead man.

              Pillow fight!

              l am Roy Baloney!


              l'm full of it!

              You are!




              lt was his idea.

              -Chon! -Clothes!

              Nice night for a walk.


              -Lin! -There you are!

              What are you doing?

              Don't you know there's a serial killer on the loose?

              Forget it.

              Who the hell are these guys?


              What do they want with us?

              They're with me.

              l think we need to have a little chat.

              Chon Wang --

              the man who can fight an emperor.

              The emperor should never have his burial knife.

              l see.

              You're still my brother's lapdog.

              l'm here not for him.

              l'm here for my father.

              Of course you are.

              lt was my dagger that plunged into his heart.

              lt's still crusted with his blood.

              l know the boy has the seal.

              Where is he?

              We don't know.

              That's the truth -- we don't know.


              What are you -- What are you doing?

              Stop! Put her down!

              Put her down! Put her down!

              Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?

              Are you gonna kick my ass?

              l've read all about your ridiculous exploits.

              l mean, just...

              how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands?

              Only a nation of uneducated rednecks

              would be amused by such cowboy drivel.

              Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.

              What's with the personal attacks?

              You don't see me making any comments

              about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent

              or even your filthy, smutty sex books.

              Yeah, l saw your book. lt disgusted me.

              Oh, why is it always the head with you people?!

              Hold it! Stop! Hold it!

              Just hold it!

              What are we doing here? Guys, look at this.

              We're acting like animals... over what?

              Some seal?

              The seal represents imperial power.

              l will use it to unite the emperor's enemies

              and storm the Forbidden City.

              What's in it for you?

              You're looking at the future king of England.

              You're, like,   th in line to the throne.


              But my friend is about to change all that

              by simple... process of elimination.

              lt's called a machine gun.

              The first of its kind -- it fires     rounds a minute.

              Testament to British ingenuity.

              Oh, so you steal the seal,

              and then you knock off nine royals?

              You got the short end of that stick, my friend.

              Dump them in the river.

              Where are you taking her?

              To make history.

              l can already see the headlines --

              "Nation mourns as Loony Lin massacres royal family."

              l need your assurance that you will find the seal.

              Don't concern yourself.

              My men are scouring the city.

              You better pray they find it... or our agreement is over,

              and you will never get the crown.

              Chon, l got a confession to make.

              You are in love with my sister.

              Well, that, but...

              l didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.


              Nah. l blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels.

              l wrote them.

              No, Sage McCallister wrote them.

              That's what l'm saying, buddy. l'm Sage McCallister.

              You wrote those lies?!

              l've always had low self-esteem.

              How many books did you print?

              l self-published probably a million copies.

              We were actually second to the Bible that year.

              Oh, you --

              l guess l'm just about the worst friend

              a guy could ask for.

              No, you're a good friend.

              Thank you.

              lf you really love Lin, l won't stand in the way.


              But if you break her heart... l'll break your legs.

              That's fair.

              Well, friends to the end, Chon...

              and this is the end.

              Chon, you got a plan?

              You wouldn't happen to have a plan, would you?


              -Anything l can do? -No.

              Good. l'll let you do the heavy lifting, then.

              Chon, hurry.


              Chon! Chon, hurry!


              Hurry! Chon, hurry!




              The water's so dirty!

              No! No! lt's dirty! No!

              Just go ahead and drown me. l don't care anymore.


              You look ridiculous.

              l think we look good.

              l really must protest this intrusion.

              Every bobby in London is out scouring the streets

              for you two.

              Have you been drinking?

              l always drink when my employment's been terminated.

              They fired you?

              Lord Rathbone saw to that.

              l'm sorry.

              lt's of no consequence.

              l never wanted to be an inspector in the first place.

              lt was my father's idea.

              l always wanted to be a writer.


              Artie, we need your help.

              Rathbone has taken Lin.

              He's gonna kill the royal family

              and he's gonna assume the throne.

              Do you have any evidence

              to support these preposterous allegations?

              We have this. lt's the boy's.

              Use your technique. Tell us where he is.

              Paraffin wax -- most interesting.

              He's at a church.

              The little punk's hiding in a church.

              No, no, no.

              lt's not candle wax.

              l have it.

              -Don't worry. You'll get it. -What are you doing?

              -He's picking the lock. -Well, hurry up!

              Chon, please! Please. lt's a very meticulous process.

              Let Artie do his job. lt's almost an art form.

              lt takes the precision of a surgeon.

              You have to be so precise.

              Maybe if we jam another one in there.

              That works, too.

              Lacks a certain finesse.

              All right, all right. Let's split up.

              What the...

              l am gonna break your neck.

              Come here.

              Looky here.

              -Come on, where is it? -What?

              You know what l'm talking about.

              Don't give me that "what."

              What do we got here?

              Oh, yes.

              You don't mind if l take this back, do you?

              Go on. Get out of here.



              l got it.

              Give me the seal.

              Give me the seal!

              All right, spread out!

              Through there!

              Let's go.

              The gig's up.

              So, what are we gonna do?

              Come on, think!

              l'm not going to an English prison.

              With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build,

              they'll try to make us the belle of the ball.

              Forget it. l'm not going back.

              Well, at least we'll get a good view of the fireworks

              from Scotland Yard.

              -Fireworks? -Yeah.

              At midnight, they're launching this huge display

              from a flotilla of barges on the Thames.

              lt's the official kickoff to the Queen's Jubilee.

              ls the royal family gonna be there?

              They're gonna be viewing the spectacle from a balcony

              overlooking the river.

              He's got a machine gun on the barge.


              You gents lost your way?

              Kid, tell me you got a way out.

              Nice move, kid.

              So why did you come back?

              Why did you give up the seal?

              'Cause l'm a fool.

              Guess l'm a fool, too.

              Well, put her there, fool.

              l never got your name.

              Name's Chaplin...

              Charlie Chaplin.

              -Excuse me. -Excuse me.

              Excuse me, please!

              -Excuse me. -Excuse me.

              You warn the royal family.

              l'll save Lin.

              How on earth are you gonna do that?

              You okay?

              l just saved you!

              You were late!



              Why are you hiding yourself back there?

              l shouldn't like to impede your view, Your Highness.

              Nonsense. You arranged all this.

              You should have a front-row view.

              l regret that, uh, respectfully l must decline.

              l need to keep a good eye on proceedings.

              Nelson, you've outdone yourself.

              Wait till you see the finale.



              This is hopeless.

              We're not gonna get past the guards.

              Well, not with that attitude we won't.

              Come on, Artie. There's got to be a way.

              There's always --


              Yee-haw! Yeah!



              We got to jump it!

              Wu Chow!

              Hold it right there, Rathboner.

              l'm guessing by your hasty retreat

              that you're still   th in line for the throne.


              lnspector Doyle, arrest this man.

              He's got a gun!

              Come on!

              -Oh! -You okay?

              What happened?

              Rathbone nailed Artie with a little sissy gun.

              l'll look after him. You two go.


              For Father.

              For Father.

              For Old Man Wang.

              Oh, my lucky playing cards.

              Be careful.

              Tell Rathbone to be careful.

              Roy, let's go.

              You're gonna need a bigger gun!

              You see him?


              Show your face, Rathbone!

              l'm gonna tear this guy apart.

              Roy, you go this way. l'll go that way.

              Split up? l don't know if that's a good idea.

              lt's okay.

              He's not up here.

              Roy, keep going.

              Aw, come on, Roy.

              Hey, uh, Rathbone...

              l was just thinking of a title for my new book...

              "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy."

              But what about "Roy O'Bannon vs. The Man Who Would Be Queen"?

              No sign of him, Chon.

              The coast is clear up here.

              Roy! Look out!



              Come on up.

              l'll show you how your father died.

              Lord, help me.

              Just let me know you're there. Love me. Hate me.

              But let me know you're up there!

              Hey, l can see our hotel from here.

              Come along.

              l'm waiting.

              Come on, Roy. Okay.

              Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly.

              You hear that, England?!

              Throw whatever you want at me --

              your terrible weather, your perverted killers,

              your Spotted Dick!

              Roy, you're about to die.

              You're on the minute hand of a clock.

              My life is flashing before my eyes.

              Wait a minute. l don't remember her.

              One more.

              One more.

              How disappointing.

              One more.

              You killed my friend.

              You killed my father!


              l thought you were dead! Oh!

              You think some tea-drinking psycho

              can take out Roy O'Bannon?

              Easy there, cowboy.

              You got any ideas?

              -We jump! -Jump?!

              You mean fall?!

              Aim for the flag!

              Aw, shit.

              l got to tell you something.


              You're the best sidekick l could ever ask for.

              Thank you, Roy. l feel the same about you.

              On three.



              -Three! -Three!

              Roy. Roy!


              ln recognition of outstanding bravery,

              l dub you Sir Chon Wang.

              For uncommon valor,

              l dub you Sir Roy O'Bannon.

              And for steadfast dedication to justice,

              l dub you Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.


              Who loves you, baby?


              Artie, l bet Scotland Yard's dying to get you back now.

              My official crime-fighting days are over.

              The queen has asked me

              to accompany the lmperial Seal back to China.

              What a week. Unbelievable.

              She couldn't have picked a better man, right, Chon?


              And the voyage is gonna give me time to work on my new novel.

              lt features a new kind of detective,

              and he's gonna solve crimes using deductive reasoning.

              Give me a name. What's his name?

              Actually, Roy, l was rather hoping

              to call him Sherlock Holmes, if that's all right with you.

              l'd be insulted if you didn't use it.

              -Ta. -See you, Artie.

              That was very nice of you, Roy.

              l would've kept the name if l thought it was any good.

              lt's a horrible name for a detective --

              Sherlock Holmes. Holmes?

              Will you stop playing with that? l'm gonna smash it.

              l just want to see it for a second.

              -Just let me see it. -No, you're gonna break it.

              lt's just a rock with some gibberish on it.

              That's Chinese.

              "Family is forever, my son.

              l'm proud you cast your own stone."

              That's a good message.

              l'd like to cast my own stone, Chon.

              -Hi. -Hi.

              l told you -- the house of O'Bannon will prevail.

              Chon, l got a business proposition for you.

              No more zeppelins.

              No, no, this is much better than zeppelins --

              a new thing they're starting out in California

              called moving pictures.


              Hold it. Hold it. Hear me out.

              l really think these movies could play to your strength.

              There's no sound,

              so we don't have to worry about the language problem.

              And l think the kung fu stuff could be huge.

              People are dying for a good action picture.

              What do you think?

              Chon Wang, movie star?

              lt could work.

              l feel bad about ditching that Chaplin kid,

              but we're gonna be running and gunning in Hollywood,

              and he'd just cramp our style.

              lt's such a tough town.

              Bloody tourists!


              You have to say "cut."

              You just keep looking!

              Come here, you little minx.


              That was good.

              That was a good one, huh?

              Maybe on this one l should lick think?

              Like, after you lick me -- that could be kind of good.

              And, Jackie...


              Thank you. Hi, Owen.

              Hello. How are you?

              Okay, and l'm not Roy O'Bannon.

              Who are you?

              Damn it, Chon, l think she's the one.

              l know it's crazy. We just met, but she's the one.

              No, Roy, she's my babysitter.

              Your babys--


              Baby what?

              Baby sister.

              Baby sister?

              Not babysitter. Baby sister.

              You okay?


              What happened?

              Roy is the type of a friend you never introduce

              to your other friends or bring into your family.

              He's -- Look at his eyes. They're brown -- full of shit.


              Just bullshit all the time.

              Yeah, have you ever heard of those?

              They're parents. We have parents that love us.

              You don't, 'cause you're a little orphan.

              You don't -- We've got par-- Yeah, parents.

              Have you ever heard of those? We've got parents that love us.

              But you don't, 'cause you're a little orphan.

              Oh, go on.

              So mean.

              Chon Wang, movie star?

              lt could work.

              lt could work. You could do your own stunts.

              What? My own stunts?

              Whoa! Whoa!

              Stay here and be a good horsey for the new sheriff.

              That hurt.

              You're supposed to catch me!

              Roy, catch.

              -Jesus. -That's my fault.

              Wait a second.

              This nut is killing your street women?

              Who did that?

              Jackie Chan.


              That's right.

              -That was the... -First time.

              -The best take. -l'm sorry.

              Hurry up!

              Are you crazy?! l can't do that!

              This isn't Chinatown! l can't sail through the air!

              -l'm not gonna break my neck! -Roy!

              What in our history together

              makes you think l'm capable of something like that?

              lt's getting bigger!

              There's got to be a better way.




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