Shanghai Noon Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shanghai Noon script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shanghai Noon. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shanghai Noon Script





-[Man Shouting In Chinese]

- [ Shouting In Unison ]



[Shouting In Unison]



   [Drums Pounding]



   [Traditional Chinese]



[Woman] The princess nodded,

and the frog said,



"That which you have promised,

you must perform."



Very good.

Keep reading.



"So the princess leaned in

and kissed the frog,



" but as she did, he became

a handsome prince,



"and they rode off

to his kingdom,



where they lived

happily ever after. "



Happily ever after.



There's no such thing

as " happily ever after."



Not for a real princess.



The prince my father wants me

to marry will always be a frog.



My offer still stands.

I will help you get to America.



- [ Whispers ] America ?

-[Princess] That's very kind.



[Man] But we're running out of time.



I know of a ship bound for America,

but we must leave tonight.



- Leave tonight ?

- We must hurry, Princess.



Hurry, Princess.



[ Shouting In Unison ]



-[Captain] Mung Goo Hi.

- [ Shouts ]



-Zhou Hei.

- [ Shouts ]



- Chow Lu.

- [ Shouts ]



[ All Shouting ]



[ Shouting In Unison ]



[ Whistling ]



Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's it.



Okay. Great.

Great. Okay.



Come here. Look at this.

Spent a lot of time on this.



Now, pay attention,

'cause I don't want any mistakes.



Now, I've calculated the speed of

the train and the speed of our horses.



We meet at this vector.

The only variable is the wind.



- Technically, if you travel

over here on the horses--

- Is this the train ?



All right. We're just gonna wing it...

like we always do.



- [ Chuckles ]

- Ride down, jump on the train,



hoorah the money, head back

to the cathouse, all right ?



- Mm-hmm.

- Let's go. Come on. Move out. Go !



You okay ? Nervous ? It's all right

to be nervous when you're new.



You'll be okay.

I'll keep an eye on you.



All you gotta do is follow my lead.

All right, look alive, outlaws !



[ All Whooping ]



[Wang Reading] "So the princess

leaned in and kissed the frog,



"but as she did,

he became a handsome prince,



"and they rode off

to his kingdom,



where they lived

happily ever after. "



[ Chattering, Indistinct ]



Reach for the sky,

ladies and gentlemen !



Touch that gun and I'll

blow your god damn head off!



What are you doin' ? I sorta like

to be the only guy that talks, Wallace.



- All right. I'm sorry.

- That's okay. That's okay. Good.



Don't worry. Come on, come on.

Big 'Un, let's go.



Why is the new guy talking ?

Where did you get this guy ?



You know I'm the only one who talks.

Okay, everybody keep calm.



[Wallace] You think

you're gonna shoot me ? Is that right ?



What you got right in here ?

Yeah, you got this gun ?



You think you're gonna

do something with that gun ?



Come on, Lady Bird.

You got anything in here besides yarn ?



-[Wallace] You got it out for me !

- Hey !



Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa. No.



Come here. Come here.

We don't steal from women.



Get over here.

Take that side.



Give me your hand.

Give me your hand.



I'm so sorry about that.

I apologize.



First time you've

seen an outlaw ?



Scared ?

Kind of excited too ?



All mixed up ?




Last train we robbed, we were naked,

it was so hot out.



Yeah, it was somethin'.



[ Sighs ]



Yeah, it's got

my initials right there.



- [Men Shouting]

- What are you lookin' at ?



- [Woman Screams]

- [ Screams ]



Wait ! Stop !

Where did you get this guy ?



- Texas.

- Texas ? Are you insane ?



Just shoot me now, 'cause I don't

understand what we're doing here.



Sir, sir, sir, sir. Come here,

come here, come here. Sit down.



- Excuse me. [ Speaking Chinese ]

- Sir, sit down.






- What happened ?

Wallace, what are you doing ?

- I'm just wingin' it.



No ! That's not

how we wing it !



No more winging it !

Stop ! Come on, Big 'Un.



- You've lost your

"winging it" privileges.

- Damn.



Damn !



[Speaking Chinese]



[ Speaking Chinese ]



Who killed my uncle ?

Who did this ?



[ Yells ]



Give me the dynamite.

Give me the dynamite.



No, no, no, no. You stay here.

You don't get to come.



- Keep an eye on Wing Nut.

- Hey, Blue, looky here !






- Who killed my uncle ?

- What the hell is this,

the Orient Express ?



- Get him !

- Come here !



[Gunfire Continues]



[Gunfire Continues]



Wh-- Hey !

The safe's getting ready to blow !



Get ready to reap

the fruits of our labor.



Move it! Let's go !



Roy, you just blew

the shit out of our fruits.



Oh, shit.

[ Grunts ]



We got a Chinaman

to catch.



Stop ! Stop !



Stop ! Stop !

Turn around !



Turn around !



- [ Cocks Pistol ]

- What the--



- Who are you ?

- [Wallace] Hey, Roy !



Don't you worry about a thing !

I got you covered !



- [ Whoops ]

- No !



- No !

- [ Yells ]



Roll, baby, roll !



[ Chuckling ]



[Wallace] Reach for the sky,

O'Bannon ! It's my gang now!



[ Horse Whinnies ]



I don't understand.



You said your friend

had a large estate.



He does.



- What exactly does he do ?

- Well, you could say. ..



he's a philanthropist.



He helps Chinese immigrants

get back on their feet.



Welcome to America,




Lo Fong.



Forgive me

if I do not bow.



Calvin, this man

is a trai--






[ Scoffs ] Why ? Because he ran away

from the Forbidden City ?



[ Grunts ]



Your reward is on the table,

Mr. Andrews.



Well, now you're gonna have to

double it, or I'm gonna kill her.



One thing about the Chinese,

Mr. Andrews --



[ Slurps ]



Aah !

[ Grunts ]



- We do not renegotiate.

- [ Choking ]



[Body Hits Floor]



Whatever you think

I'm going to do for you,



you're wrong.



It was just

like a nightmare.



You wouldn't believe it

if I told you.



My gang left me in the desert.

I felt like all the other

cowboys hated my guts.



Everyone was-- I just missed you.

I missed all of you.



[ All ] We missed you too, Roy.



I think it's

medication time.



Come here,

devil woman.



Oh. Mmm.



Oh !

Ooh, that's naughty.



Ohh. Ow, careful.

Careful with that.



Ow, ow. Careful.




Ow. Aaaah !



[ Screaming ]



Holy crap ! The vultures are

eating my head!



Aaaah ! Aaaah !



Help ! Help !

My gang buried me !



They left me

for dead!



Ooh ! Ooh.



Oh, thank heavens.

I thought you were a mirage.



- Oh, come on. Water.

- You.



- You killed my uncle !

- Bull !



That was Wallace

all the way.



- He was one of your bandits.

- He wasn't part of my gang.



He was a new guy.

He's crazy as a road lizard.



- You deserve to die.

- Hold on a second.



You know what

no one's saying here ?



I had a chance to kill you

on that train, and I chose not to.



'Cause I'm not

a barbarian.



- Hey ! Where are you going ?

- Carson City.



I'm closer to diggin' myself to China

than you are to gettin' to Carson City.



- Hey !

- Which way ?



Hey, that's better.

Dig me out and I'll show you.



-[Vulture Squawks]

- Which way ?



You see the...

mountains over there ?



Carson City

is on the other side.



All right, dig me out.

I kept my end of the bargain.



- Dig me out.

-[Vulture Squawks]






Hey ! Hey !



- Come on !

- Don't talk. Just dig.



[ Coughing ]



Aargh !



[ Muttering ]



[ Panting ]



[ Whooping ]



[ Horse Whinnying ]






[ Speaking Chinese ]



[ Whooping ]



[ Groans ]



[ Screams ]



Hey !



[ Groans ]



- [ Speaking Chinese ]

- [ Speaking Sioux ]



-    [ Tribal Drums ]

- [ Chanting ]






[ Speaking Slowly ]

Where is Carson City ?



[ Laughing ]



[ Laughing, Coughing ]



[ Sniffs ]



[ Sighs ]



- [ Grunts ]

- [ All Cheering ]



[ Speaking Chinese ]



- How.

- How.



- How.

- How.



- How. How. How. How.

- How.



[ Speaking Sioux ]



[ Cheering ]



[ Stammering ]



[ Speaking Chinese ]



[ Speaking Sioux ]



- [ Repeats Phrase ]

- [ Repeats Phrase ]



[ Repeats Phrase ]



[ Popping Sound ]



[ Repeating Phrase ]



I thought

you might be hungry.



- [ Speaking Chinese ]

- [Dishes Clatter]



-You were wrong.

-You would find me a much better host...



if we could come to

some sort of an arrangement.



An arrangement ?



Like the one you have with the slaves

working on this railroad ?



These people

are free to leave.



What do you

want with me ?



Once I have the emperor's gold,

my work will be complete.






I think it is time for you

to be among your people.



They don't look like any injuns

I ever seen, Jedediah.



That's because they're not

injuns, woman ! They're Jews !



[ Chickens Clucking ]



   [Honky-Tonk Piano]



[Men Laughing]



You, stay.



[ Popping Sound ]



[ Clicking Sounds ]



[ Groans ]



[People Laughing]



- [ Chattering ]

-   [Continues]



You guys,

get a load of this.



[Chattering Stops]



- How.

- [ All Laughing ]



Is this Carson City ?



No, this ain't

Carson City, Chief.



You're gonna have to get

your firewater somewhere else.



[Man] All right, Roy, ante up.



[People Laughing]



- And stay out!

- [ Whinnies ]



[ Whinnies ]



[ Clicking Sound ]



You bounce back fast,







What are you doin' here ? I thought

you were going to Carson City.



You ! You gave me

bad directions !



No, I gave you

wrong directions.



You want

your toothpicks back ?



- You got a lot of nerve,

comin' in here with that--

- Give it back to me !



- Ain't that somethin' ?

- [ Laughs ]



Take your hand

off me.



- Ohh !

- Ohh !



Hey, I just want to go

to Carson City !






You're goin'

for a ride !



Aaah ! Aaah !



[ Chuckles ]



No !



[Blows Landing]



Yes ! Yeah !



Yes ! Yes !



No ! No !



Sorry !

I'm sorry !



You !

[ Yells ]



[ Gunshot ]



- Who in the hell started this ?

- The Chinaman.



[ Shouting I n Chinese ]



Let me out !

Give me the book back !



I have to go to Carson City

to rescue the princess !



- You've got the wrong person !

I don't belong here !

-    [ Harmonica ]



Hey !

[ Speaking Chinese ]



Keep goin' with the Chinese. That's

workin'. They're about to let you out.



- Give me the book back !

- For cryin' out loud, just

give him the book back, please.



- If it'll give us some peace

and quiet-- Forget about it.

- Open it up !



- They're not givin' you

the book back. Drop the book.

- I wasted enough time with you.



- What ? You've wasted enough

time with me ? What about me ?

- Give me the book !



- Listen for a second. Stop !

- Give me the book ! Hey !



Listen ! Stop !

You're not in the East, okay ?



You're not in China. This is the West.

The sun doesn't rise here, it sets here,



and you're closer

to getting us hung than you are

getting that book back, okay ?



Now, just--

I like that.



That's what I'm talking about.

You're wound so tight.



You're the most irritable guy I've ever

been around. Just relax for a second.



Take ten minutes, and then

you can go back to screaming, I promise.



I'll join you.

Okay, just relax for a second.



Come on, sit down.



Come on.



Just relax.



Is that relaxed ?



You look sort of

rigid there.



You know what ?

We got off on the wrong foot.



Let's try to start again.



Man, you sure can fight.



I've never seen anything like that.

[ Imitating Karate Yells ]



It was--



I'm trying to give you

a compliment.



You're not still mad about me pointin'

you in the wrong direction, are you ?



Come on. You gotta be able

to laugh at stuff like that.



Like me in the desert. I don't

hold any grudges. I laugh about it.



I'm not angry at you. You just

left me there with chopsticks to die.



Roy, all by his lonesome. Just me

and the buzzards pickin 'at my head.



You're a very silent man,

aren't you ?



You weren't expecting to see

old Roy in that bar, were you ?



Be honest.

Were you ? Huh ?



Did you really

use those chopsticks ?



You better believe it.



Now you laugh. That's funny.

I gotta remember that one.



- So, who are you ?

- I'm Imperial Guard

to the Emperor of China.






- What's with the book ?

- The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei.



- Who ?

- Princess Pei Pei.



She was kidnapped

from the Forbidden City.



Forbidden City ?

I like that, the Forbidden City.



A princess kidnapped.

It's so mysterious. Oh, go ahead.



The emperor sent us

to get her back.



Us ? You mean your friends

from the train ?



They are also Imperial Guards.

They have four days to bring

the gold to Carson City.



- What gold ?

- The gold for the princess.



The gold--

Was the gold on the train ?






How much gold ?



One hundred thousand pieces.



Sir ? Sir ?

Could you hand us that book, please ?



Sir, there's been

a mistake. He has--



Sir-- Yeah.



We're gonna get that book,

and we're gonna get you out of here.



- You help me escape ?

- Shh. Yes.



- Why ?

- Why ? I'm gonna tell you why.



Because there are some things

in this world that are just wrong,



and stealing a princess

is one of them.




That's wrong.



I'll tell you another thing.

I feel guilty about leading you

up that mountain.



What was I thinking ?

How much time did we waste there ?



That was stupid.

It wasn't funny. All right ?



Now, sit tight and let me

figure this out.



All right,

come on, Roy.



Maybe-- Maybe I pretend to be sick, then

attack the guards when they come in.



Okay, you mean

the sick prisoner routine ?



Yeah. Does that still

work in China ?



'Cause here it's sorta

been done to death.



- I have another idea.

- No, no, no, no, no.



Here's how you help me. You

stay on your side of the room,

let me figure it out over here.



Okay, you play over there.



Think. Think.

What do we got here ? Oh, yeah.






We got wood. We got a wall

made out of wood.



That's good.

Oh, we got pillows.



We got pillows, sheets.

We got the sheets and the mattress.



Okay, let's put it all together.

Let's think. Add it up, add it up.



What do we got ?

What do we got ?



What are you doing ?

Stop ! Stop !



- What are you doing ?

- Shh.



- Hold this for me.

- No, no. That's your shirt.

You hold it.



I like your energy,

but I'm not with you.



- When the shirt gets wet,

it doesn't break.

- I don't know what that means.



And then--



Okay. And then what--

Then with the wet shirt, you--



You bend the bars.

That's the pay-off.



Don't waste my time

with stuff like that, okay ?



A     -year-old civilization,

that's all you can come up with ?



Shame on you.

Shame on you.



Come on. Stop, please.

It's embarrassing.



[ Metal Creaking ]



- See ? I told you so.

- No, you said, "Wet shirt don't break,"



not " Piss shirt

bend bar."



- Twist it.

- Help.



Okay, there.

Get it. There you go.



Just one more.




You're as strong as an ox !

Go ! You can do it !



There, you got it !

We're gettin' it !



- Hold it for me. I'll get through.

- Okay.



No, no, no. You hold it

and I'll go through.



[ Groans ]

No ! Not your hand ! Stop.



- Hold it.

- Adios, sucker.



- What ?

- I'm just kidding. Come on. Go.



I wouldn't leave

my old pal there.




Really squeeze.



No, no, no, no.

Grab this, grab that.



Work your magic

right here.



-Too dry.

-What ? Juice it up. Juice it up. Go.



I can't !

No more !



Ah, damn it.



Come on out, little Roy.

Work your magic.



   [ Harmonica ]



- Hurry up.

- I'm trying, I'm trying.



- Stop ! Don't look at me.

- Relax !



- Relax. It'll come.

- Thanks.



- That helps. Yeah. Good.

- Is that called relax ?



Whoa !



Sheriff! Oh, thank God

you're here. Get the guns !



- Get my book !

- I got it !



Whoa, whoa.

Wow, who's the pretty lady ?



- That's my wife.

- How long you been in this country ?



- Four days.

- Nice work.






Come on.

Let's adios, partner.



Hyah !



[Roy] Well, best of luck to you.



- Guess this is what

your people call sayonara.

-   [Blows Harmonica]



Looks like Fido's giving you

some problems there.



You want me to, uh,

give you a hand ?



- No, I can do it.

- Sure, you can.



How is a greenhorn like you

gonna make it to Carson City. ..



and rescue

this princess ?



[ Sighs ]

Stop, stop, stop, stop.



I can't take it any more.

Watch me do it.



Get it like this

and you put it up high.



See ? It'll drift back

when you're riding.



- All right, I'll do it.

- Do what ?



Take you to Carson City,

help you rescue Princess " Pee Pee."



Pei Pei. You do not

care about the princess.



You don't know me

very well, do you ?



Tell you one thing-- I'd hate

to think of an innocent member. ..



of Chinese nobility




Tell you that.



You people believe in karma

over there, right ?



Well, I've been thinking.

There must be a reason why

we keep running into each other.



I've ridden with some terrible men--

just people I couldn't trust.



But when I

look at you,



there's something different

about you, and I can see it.



I can see it

in your eyes.



It's what the Indians

call Chippichawa.



- What's that ?

- Chippichawa is nobility.



And you have it

in spades.



You've got yourself a partner.

This has nothing to do with gold, okay ?



[ Spits ]

Shake on it.



Why you spitting

in your hand ?



Well, it's customary,

to seal the deal.



- Come on. Let's go.

- [ Spits ]



This is gonna be

a long journey.



You boys take care now, you hear ?




- Shalom.

- Oh. Let's go.



Yee-haw !

Goddamn !



Looks like y'all had a twister

touch down in here. [ Laughs ]



- Roy O'Bannon and his partner

come through town.

- Roy O'Bannon ?



Roy O'Bannon ain't got no partner,

friend. Roy O'Bannon is dead.



He ain't dead. He busted out of jail

last night with the Shanghai Kid.



Shanghai Kid ?

Roy got a new gang goin' ?



That son of a bitch.

That two-timin' son of a bitch !



He double-crossed us with that Chinaman

from the damn train !



Just like that.

See, at kind of a rakish angle.



- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- How do I look ?



I think you look great.

I think you look like a real cowboy.



Very dapper,

red bandana.



Roy O'Bannon.



- My name is Chon Wang.

-John Wayne ?



- Chon Wang.

- [ Laughs ]



- That's a terrible cowboy name.

- Why ?



No, come on, that's not gonna work.

That's horrible.



- That's so bad. And so's the ponytail.

- No !



It doesn't look

that bad, actually.



Never touch my queue.



That killed !




- We have to go to Carson City.

- Okay.



Now, before we go to Carson City, I

want to teach you some stuff. Come on.



You just follow me.



- What's that ?

- Sensitivity. Increased reflexes.



Now, these are guns. These can be

your best friend or worst enemy.



That's a spin in my left hand.

That's a spin in my right hand.



That's two spins. Now, here,

I'm gonna let you hang onto this.



See ? Whoa. Be careful.

Always be ready. Always be ready.



Now, try to exhale

for long-range shots,



inhale for short-range.



All right, now cover up your ears,

'cause this could be loud.



Cover up your ears.



I am like a wild horse.

You can't tame me.



You put the oats in the pen, though,

and I'll come in for a nibble every day.



But if you ever shut that gate,

I'll jump the fence.

You'll never see me again.



Thing about your husband--

and this is nothing against him,



because I really

like him--



he comes from a very

male-dominated society.



  Because I wanna be

a cowboy, baby 



  With the top down

and the sunshine shinin' 



  Cowboy, baby 



-  West coast chillin '

with the Boon's wine 

-  Gonna be a cowboy, baby 



  Ridin 'at night

'cause I sleep all day 



  Cowboy, baby 



  I can smell a pig

from a mile away 



Let me put it this way--



my horse is definitely

not my best friend.



  That's why they call me

a cowboy, baby 



-  With the top down

and the sunshine shinin' 

-  Cowboy, baby   



Now, people start

looking at you funny,



all you gotta say is,

" Howdy, partner."



- Howdy, partner ?

- Faster than that or people will

think you're slow in the head.



- Howdy, partner.

- [Wang] Howdy, partner.



-Just follow my lead. Howdy, partner.

- Howdy, partner.



- Howdy, partner.

-Just park it right there.



It's not working.



Some people aren't as tolerant as I am.

Not very friendly today.



- [ Grunts ]

-John, what are you--




- Ow. Hurt.



Okay. We gotta

work on that.



Here you go, John.

Straighten up here.



- Roy, it hurts so bad.

- I know, John,



but I'm not gonna walk with you

if you walk like that.



I'll be okay.



- Hey, Roy. It's you.

- Holy shit !



I'm a wanted man.

Look at this !



- Five hundred bucks !

That's a lot of money.

- Let me see.



- Nice picture.

- Careful, careful.



Wow, look at this.

Do you know what this means ?



- This will drive the girls crazy.

- Really ?



Yes, really. Come on, let's get

a couple more of these.



- It's not bad.

- I'm wanted too !



- What ?

- This.



Oh, come on.

That's not right.



I know. I'm not

from Shanghai.



No !

$  ,    for a sidekick ?



- You gotta be kidding me.

- Be careful.



Justice system's

all screwed up.



Man can't even ride a horse, and that's

a really cool nickname-- Shanghai Kid.



It's like, got

a snap to it that--



Uh -oh, trouble.

John, come here. Get over here.



Tie 'em up

over here, fellas.



- What's going on ?

- Shh.







[Wang] Howdy, partner.



Oh, my God, it's a posse.

They can't be looking for us.



- What's " posse" ?

- Oh, I think they're passing us by.



[ Sighs ] It looked like Marshal Nathan

Van Cleef, the psychotic killer.



Roy O'Bannon !

This is Marshal Nathan Van Cleef.



- Ohh !

- We know you're hidin 'in there.



Oh, God, it is him.

It is him.



Why don't you throw down

Your six-shooters and come out

With your hands up.



And that goes for the scum

you're ridin' with too.



- He won.

- Roy, Roy, it's okay.



No, it's not okay !

Stop ! You don't know this guy !



Let me talk to them.

Remember, we have to save the princess.



What are you doin' ?




- Go easy, fellas.

- Why are they shooting at me ?



What happened to " Mr. Shanghai Kid" ?

"Oh, I'm a wanted man" ?



- Why ?

- 'Cause you're an outlaw.



- I am not an outlaw !

- Stop ! You're a bad guy !



- Look at that poster.

What does that say ?

- Drives girls crazy.



Drives girls crazy ?

Drives the posse crazy.



Makes them want to hang you,

string you up, because you're a bad guy.



- You got    seconds --

- Aw, God ! Give us a minute !



Go around back, gentlemen.

Make sure he isn't trying to

pull the saddle over our eyes.



Remember, I want

the Chinaman alive.



I'm not a bad guy.



You're a bad guy.

You're with me, you're a bad guy.



Hey, you put me

in this situation !



- I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy !

- No ! We're both bad guys !



- No, only you're the bad guy !

You go out there and tell them !

- No !



- I'm not going out there !

You go out there !

- No, you have to go !



[ Grunting ]



- Did I just do that ?

- Not bad.



I don't know karate,

but I know " karazy," and I will use it.



-[Yelling, Shouting]

-[Glass Shattering]



What the hell

is going on in there ?



You okay ?



You just threw me

through a window.



You got that gold ?



What ? Gold ?

What gold ?



Wrong answer.



Wait. I'm--

I'm unarmed. I'm unarmed !



No gun. Hold on, no gun.

I don't--



I'm unarmed!

You can't shoot an unarmed man.



- Don't worry. I help you.

- No, John. No, no.



John !




Fight with honor.

You will win.



Are you frickin' insane? Is that what

they teach you in Imperial Guard School?



- What--

- Pick 'em up.



- [ Whinnying ]

- Well.



If it ain't

the Shanghai Kid.






How about we make

the Kid dance ?



Oh, come on !

You can do better than that.



[Gunfire Continues]



You robbed

the wrong train, son.



- Look, Marshal, I think that if--

-Just shut up and put on your guns.



[ Sighs ]



This is serious,

you know ?



We don't come back

from this.



That's the general idea.



[Gunfire Continues]



[ Groans ]



[ Clicking ]



[ Grunting ]



[ Screaming ]



[Men Laughing]



- What the hell you doin' ?

- [ Exhales ]



Stop procrastinating.

Come on. Hurry up, son.



Stop it ! I'm not gonna let you

cheapen it. All right ?



This is a duel.

It's a sacred thing.



It's beautiful.

It's what separates us from the animals.



- [ Chuckles ]

- Oh, yeah.



Whew !

I do not envy you. You ready ?



Why don't you turn

and face me like a man ?



Why don't you do it your way and I'll

do it my way ? How about that ?



[ Chuckling ]




Oh, come on, Roy. You can do it.



Oh, no, you can't.

He's gonna kill you.



- One.

- He's gonna blow you away.



Come on, Roy.

Don't think like that.







Oh, yeah. Be positive.



Be the bullet.

Be the lead bullet.



- I'm about to die.

-[Van Cleef] Three.



Roy !



Duel's off!



-[Horse Whinnies]

- Roy !



You blew it, John !



Never interrupt a man

in the middle of a duel.



I had him. That's what kills me.

I had him ! I had him !



[ Shouting I n Chinese ]



Now you know how it feels

to haul you around in that sedan chair.



I will never

bow to you.



Take a good look

at these faces.



If you attempt to escape,



I will kill one worker

every hour...



- until you are found.

- [ Grunts ]



- Starting with this one.

- [ Groans ]



Do not let him

see you suffer.



I know who you are.



Please, tell no one.






- You call this a special hideout ?

-   [Piano]



Yes, it is, John.



It's also a good place

to gather intelligence,



'cause no one passes through Carson City

without these people hearing about it.



- Would you ask them about the princess

- Yes, sir, I will.



And I don't care

how ugly it gets.



I'm not gonna rest until

I've pumped everybody in there

for information, okay ?



-   [Continues]

-[Chattering, Laughing]



- Hi, Roy.

- Roy.

-[O'Bannon] Hello, ladies.



Make way for

a couple of desperados.



Nice to see you again,

Mr. O'Bannon.



- [O'Bannon] Greetings. Hello.

- [Women] Roy.



Oh, yeah, we're gonna get

some information here. Trust me.



This is not

a proper hiding place.



Oh, come on, John.

Let's relax for a little bit.



- Here, have a drink.

- No. I wanna find the princess.



So do I, but we can't exactly go door

to door in Carson City looking for her.



- Don't forget, we're wanted men.

- Only because of you.



Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everything's my fault.



So, what's the princess like ?



John, what's the princess like ?

Is she pretty ?



- Is she a pain in the neck ?

- You are not fit to talk about her.



John, you better

remember where you are.



This is the West.

It's not the East.



- Remember ?

- And the sun may rise

where I come from--



Blah, blah, blah.

I know.




You remember.



- Is she single ? Is she single ?

- What ?



Is she married ?

Is she available ?



Only to a member

of the Imperial family.



Are you a member of the Imperial

family ? I don't think so.



Was that a joke, John ?

That was a joke.



John, that was your first joke.

We gotta have a toast. Your first joke.



- Yes. Yes.

- No.



Come on.




-Just one.

- Okay.



But don't talk about

the princess any more.



Word of honor.



Be fun to play

a drinking game.



- You know any Chinese drinking games ?

- No. [ Coughing ]



Every country has a drinking game.

You must know one.



Just one ?



[ Speaking Nonsense Rapidly ]



- Uno mas ?

- Uno-- What ?



- One more. Uno mas.

- Okay.



[Nonsense Continues]



No ! I lost ?

One more.



Oh, no !

Oh, yeah !



I'm so lost, John.



Ninety percent of the time,

I don't even know...



what I'm doin'

out here in the West.



-[Horse Whinnies]

- Terrible outlaw.



- No, you're a good outlaw.

- Stop, please. I'm a screw up.



- No, I am screw up. Look at my scar.

- No.



One for arriving late

At a guard duty.



One for dropping fighting stick.

You good. I saw you.



The only thing I'm good at

is talking.



- It's true.




- Huh ?

- Take your hand off me, John.




[ Sighs ]



One more game ?



No. No more drinking.

That's it.



- Uno mas ?

- No mas, John. No mas.



[ Nonsense Continues ]



Roy ?



Roy ?



- Are you coming ?

- Fifi ?



Uno mas ?



[ Burps ]



-[Glass Shatters ]

- [ Burps ]



So, who's your

funny-looking friend ?



[ Chuckles ]

I don't know.



He's this crazy

Imperial Guard I met.



He's-He's really funny.



-   [Piano Continues]

-[O'Bannon] The guy's hysterical.



We were just playing-- Did you see us ?

We were just playing that game.



John's going--

[Speaking Nonsense]



And I was going-- You can't really

understand what he's saying, but--



Roy ? Roy ? I never figured you

for riding with a Chinaman.



Well, I'm not exactly

riding with him, Fifi .



He's not my friend, you know.

I mean, he's a Chinaman.



[Fifi ] Well, that's good.



[O'Bannon] I mean--

And you really--



Were you guys talking

about who he was ?



- Let's talk about something else.

-[Woman Screams]



- [Van Cleef]

Don't you look delicious ?

- [ Gasps ]



-[Wang] What's going on ?

- Well.



- You !

- If it isn't the Shanghai Kid.




[ Gasps ]



[ Groans ]






Thank you.




Thank you.



Uno mas ?



[Woman Screams]



- [ Groaning ]

-John, come on. We gotta get going.



- The marshal's downstairs.

- No, no, Marshal's in there.



Oh, man, John.

What'd you do to him ?



- Come on. Let's get going.

- No !



- I don't wanna ride with you.

- Come on, John.

Damn, you're a mean drunk.



- Hi, horsey !

- All right. Shh, shh, shh.



- All right, it's time for a "yee-haw."

- Yee-what ?



Shh, shh, shh.

Roy O'Bannon special.



We jump off, land on the back

of the horse, yell "yee-haw..."



and ride off,

all right ?



Watch me and do exactly as I do it.

Yee-haw !



Yee-haw !

[ Groans ]



Okay, hyah ! Hyah !



- Hyah ! Where's the head ?

-John !



-John, get up !

- [ Horse Burps ]



[ Panting ]

Tie 'em up.



What happened to my horse ?

Is he dead ?



No, but we are, John.



- Hi, horsey. You sleeping ?

- Get up.






Mighty impressive hardware

you're packin'.



Why don't you get your eyes off

my package, you twisted son of a bitch.



[ Groans ]



- I hope that's him leaving.

- Your turn.



Thank you,

Mr. Van Cleef.



Well, well.

What have we here ?



Mr. O'Bannon, I presume.



Can I get a drink of water ?

I got cotton mouth. Aah !




- Don't mention it.



And this must be

the famous Shanghai Kid.



- Chon Wang ?

- Lo Fong ?



You remember

your old comrade-in-arms ?



- Hmm ?

- I remember a traitor.




I'm sensing some bad blood here.



- Where is the gold ?

- Where's Princess Pei Pei ?



- [ Groans ]

-[O'Bannon] Stop.



Come on. We're men.

We're not pinatas.



Okay ? And we're

really hung over.



We 're not trying

to be tough guys.



- You wanna talk about the gold,

let's talk about the gold.

- So, you have my gold ?



- Your gold ?

- Yes, we have the gold.



- Then where is it ?

- The gold's in a safe place.



- [ Grunts ]

- Is he telling the truth ?






Ow ! Nice, John. Way to go.

Way to think on your feet.



He cannot lie.

He is bound by Imperial decree.



Imperial decree.



- When are you gonna learn

you're not in China any more ?

- [ Cocks Weapon ]



He will never learn.

He can only follow orders.



At least I still have

my honor.



Slaves have no honor.



-[Wang] No ! No !

- Hey !



Now you can never

go back to China.



[ Panting ]



You blew it.

Whoo ! You blew it, man.



You do not want to cut

his hair off, trust me.



Nothing personal, boys.



My loyalty

is to the emperor.



Yeah, John, I heard

all about the emperor.



Must be a hell of a man.



He's only    .



Are you kidding me ? You're sitting here

with a noose around your neck...



ready to die for someone whose balls

haven't even dropped ?



By virtue of the authority vested

in me through the territory of Nevada,



I do hereby order these men

to hang by their necks...



until their feet

quit kicking.



[ Cheering ]



You're goin' to hell, boys,



and your horses

are taking you there.



[ Chuckling ]

Tighten 'em up.



[Crowd Chanting]

Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !



Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !

Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !



Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !

Hang 'em !



[Crowd Laughing]



-[Chanting Continues]

- Hey ! Watch it, you little punk.



Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !

Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !



Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !

Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !



Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !

Hang 'em ! Hang 'em !



-[ Snorts ]

-[Wang Smacking Lips, Clicking Tongue]



- [ Whistling ]

-John, what are you doing ?



[ Chuckles ]



-[Wang Whistles]

- [ Whinnies ]



[ Screaming, Shouting ]



What the hell is goin' on here ?

Stop those horses !



Stop them !



Pull it !

Pull it !



[ Both Yelling ]



-   I'm back in the saddle again  

- Help me !



  I'm back 



  I'm back

in the saddle again  



Well, don't just stand there !

Go after them !



Will you listen

to this creek, John ?



I've never noticed

what a beautiful melody a creek makes.



I've never taken

the damn time.



Look at these mountains

and these trees.



Hell, look at these green trees.

Come here. I don't even know the names--



We're gonna learn the names

of these green trees. Come here.



I want you

to look at these.



Can we not--

John, what are you doing ?



Are you still worried

about your hair ?



John, listen to me.

You're very vain.



By the time you're   

your queue, your ponytail...



will be as good as new.



- What are you doing ?

- I'm leaving.



Can we not take two seconds, John ?

We just cheated death.



Come on. Let's look at

these mountains for a second.



- Okay, let me get my stuff.

God, you're unbelievable.

- I'm going alone.



What are you-- John,

what are you talking about ?



- I heard you.

- You heard me. Okay.



At Goldie's.



You said

I wasn't your friend.






Hold on a second, John.

I was talking to a girl.



- It was-- That's taken

out of context. That's not--

- Roy.



You were right.

How could I ever be your friend ?



I'm just a Chinaman.



Hold on, John. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it to--



Sayonara, Roy.






[Explosions Continue]



Wait here.






[Pei Pei] You have come a long way.



I hope the princess

you seek...



is worthy

of such devotion.



It is my duty

to bring her home.



I even brought her favorite book.

[ Chuckles ]



That's very kind of you.



But what if you found

the princess...



and she did not wish to go back to

the Forbidden City ?



Why would she want

to stay here ?



Maybe she can do more

for the people here...



than she could back in China.



Princess Pei Pei.




don't draw attention.




Stand up !



Princess, you have

to come with me.



I cannot.

Fong cannot find me missing.




I cannot leave you here.



[Pei Pei] Please, standup !



Don't bow !

Get up !



Get up !



You must go.



If I leave, Fong

will begin to kill the others.



It is my duty

to bring you home.



I command you to go.



- [ Whinnies ]

- Go !



Go !



Reach for the sky,

baldy !



That's right.

It's Roy.



Am I interrupting ?



I followed you.

So what ?



What am I supposed to do, let you

wander off ? You're a greenhorn.



- You'll get killed out here.




Come on ! We gotta adios

out of here, partner ! Come on !



Hyah !

You gotta stick with me.



Don't forget, we got

a princess to save.



[Bell Tolling]



[Tolling Continues]



[Tolling Stops]



Give my regards

to the emperor, Princess.



[ Speaking Chinese ]



- Chon Wang ?

- Chon Wang ?

- Chon Wang ?



-[Weapon Cocks]

- That's right, Johnny Wayne is here.



Hey, it's me.



Why did you cut his hair ?



I tried to warn you,

But you wouldn't listen.



- Go on, drop the gun.

-[Gun Clatters ]



Now, slide it over.



Is that her ?



She's pretty.



Grab her.



Come on.

We'll take it from here, guys.



John, what--

John, get up.



What are you--

I thought we were past this.



- Come on, John.

- [ Speaking Chinese ]



Do you see ?

He will always be a slave.



[Chinese Continues]



This is the West,



not the East.



And the sun may rise...



where we come from,



but here is where it sets.



You want me to translate ?

The princess stays.



The princess stays.



I grab the gold,

You marry the princess.



We both hang Fong and call it a day.

Mission accomplished.



Well, well.



Nice to see

we're all churchgoers.



Son of a bitch !

With my own guns !



Sweet, ain't it ?

[ Chuckles ]



How about that ?

It's a Mexican standoff.



Only we ain't got

no Mexicans.



[ Speaking Chinese ]



- [ Gunshot ]

- No !



Princess Pei Pei !



[Gunfire Continues]



[ Exhales ]



- I hit you ?

-[Van Cleef] No.



But you're gettin'

really close.



You've almost killed me,

like,     times already.



Eighteen, nineteen, twenty !



You're on fire today !



[ Panting ]



[ Gasps ]



[Gunfire Continues]



[Shouting In Chinese]



[ Screams ]



How do you survive

out here ?



What's that supposed to mean ? These

aren't my-- These guns are really weird.



[ Gasps ]



[ Clicking ]



Oh, man.



[ Speaking Chinese ]



- [ Groans ]

- Stay low !



[ Speaking Chinese ]



[ Screams ]



[ Screaming ]



Maybe we should let bygones be bygones.

You got off some good shots.



I got off some good ones.

Let's call it a tie.



What's the matter, O'Bannon ?

Out of bullets ?



No, I got one left.



Tell you what I'll do.



I'll take out

all my bullets but one.



And that way, we'll be even.

How's that ?




That sounds fair.



You'd do that for me ?



Oh, yeah.



[Shells Clattering]



You bet I would.



[ Bell Tolling ]



[ Yelling ]



- [ Groaning ]

-[Bell Tolling]



We come out on three.



I know,

but-but let me count.



Fight with honor.




Fight with-- Okay.

One !



Two !

Two and a half!



Two and seven-eights !



Three !

[ Yelling ]



[ Yelling ]



How the hell did that happen ?



It's a miracle.



I am invincible.



Roy !



Invincible !



[ Groaning ]



[ Yelling ]



[ Groaning ]



- Now it's time for you to die.

- Adios, partner.



[ Groaning ]



[ Both Panting ]






[ Speaking Chinese ]



Roy !



He took the gold.



[Coin Clinks]



Is that all you care about

is the gold ?



[ Sighs ]

Shame on you.



There's more to life than money.

I hope you learn that one day.



What happened ?



What ? Nothing, nothing.

I just killed him. How'd you do ?



- How ?

- What do you mean, how ?

I shot him with my gun.



Come on.

Tell me the truth.



It was unbelievable. You missed

a miracle. I had one bullet left.



He had, like, a million left.

He lied to me and told me

that he only had one too.



But-But when--

But when he--



- She's staying ?

- Yes.



- Can I stand ?

-[Chuckles] Yes.



- [ Gunshot ]

- [ Gasps ]



Reach for the sky,

O'Bannon !



That's my line. He stole my gang,

he's stealing my lines.



- That's unbelievable.

- Roy ! Roy !



- Get back !

- Stop, stop. It's Wallace.



Hey, Roy,



we know you been moonlightin' on us with

that old yellow fella from the train !



You guys, you stay here.

This isn't your battle.



-[Wallace Continues Shouting]

- No, we stick together.

We are partners.



That's beautiful.



You go out the back door.



- No.

- Don't worry, Princess.



I promise you,

I will see you again.



That which you have promised...



you must perform.



-[Gunfire Continues]

- [ Speaking Chinese ]



- Get out of the way !

- Why ?



- Come on !

- Why ? What are you--



- What are you doing ? Are you crazy ?

- No, John, stop, stop.



They can't touch me. Something happened

back there. It was a miracle.



- There's no way--

-[Wallace] Hey, smart-ass !

Do you hear me ?



Time's up, O'Bannon !

It's the end of the line !



- We can take these guys.

Yep, we can take them.




[Wallace] Are you comin' out

or ain't you ?






You really are

the Shanghai Kid.



Nice riding with you,




We go out on three.

I count.



No, I count.



We'll both count.



[ Together ]

One, two, three !



[ Yelling ]






[ Yelling, Whooping ]



- Indians ! Look out !

- No ! My family ! My family !



- Friends. Brothers !

-[Wallace] Roy !



I gotta tell ya, we always

figured you for a dumb shit, but, uh,



we was thinkin' maybe you wanna

come back and rejoin the gang.



- So, uh, what do you  say ?

- Yeah, what do you say ?



I think I'm just

gonna wing it.



All right.



-And you are goin ' to jail.

- That works too.



[Cheering, Whooping]



How, kimosabe !



How, kimosabe !



[Fireworks Exploding]



Oh, it's nice to be

standing here next to you.



I don't think I've ever gotten

a chance to Thank you for--



for saving us

so many times.



I wish you could understand what--

I feel like there's this gap between us.



It's like, I'm a cowboy,

you're an Indian.



You say "wampum,"

I say " money."



At a certain point,

I just think--



Shut up, Roy.

You talk too much.




She just--



[ Horn Blaring ]



[O'Bannon] There she is, right

on time, carrying a big, fat payroll.



- Oh.

-[Horse Snorts ]



I don't know if I'll ever

get used to this one.



Don't worry.

You'll get used to it.



I can guarantee you, we won't get half

as many girls being lawmen.



I know we're spoken for,




You never know what's gonna

happen in a relationship.



I gotta get rid of my outlaw name.

That's not gonna work any more.



Really ?

What would you call yourself ?



I don't know. I mean,

my real name's Wyatt Earp, but--



Earp ? That's a terrible name

for a cowboy.



- Why ?

- Bad.



- Really ?

- Bad!



-And John Wayne's a great cowboy name ?

- Roy, look.



There they are.



Yep. Look at those amateurs.

That's my move !



Come on, Roy.

Let's go say " howdy."



Let's go !

Hyah ! Hyah !



- Yee-haw !

- Yee-haw !



[ Whinnying ]



- Yee-haw !

- Yee-haw !



[Man] Scene up.



That which you have promised...



- you must perform.

-[Telephone Rings ]



- Hello.

-[Crew Laughing]



He was part of your

" rushimiant--"



What ? Regiment.



[Wilson] He's one of your bandits.



He's one of your--

He's one of your--



He was part of your regiment

of "dentists."



Bandits. Dentists ?



-[Glass Shattering]

- Wow ! Shit !



He didn't teeth brush

this morning.



- What is this thing ?

- No !



[Crew Laughing]



You can't do stunts,




-   Because I'm gonna be a cowboy, baby 

-[ Groans ]



- What's this princess like ?

-[Bubbles Surfacing]



[Crew Laughing]



I got air bubbles

coming out of my thing.



Uno mas, please.



- Uno mas --

-[Crew Laughing]



Thanks, Fido.



[ Together ]

One, two, three !



- [ Yelling ]

- Shit !



- Thank you so much, Princess.

You're so good.

- [ Laughing ]



Princess !

Oh, I love you so much.



[O'Bannon] I'm talking to you!

Turn around!



Ask me if I give a shit.



  I might walk a little funny

but my walk is me 



  I might stutter when I talk

but I say what I see 



  I don't agree with every other

little thing that's proven 



  I do a lot of things

that I shouldn't be doin ' 



  I ruin everything

you might've had in mind 



  I'm a consistent, belligerent

solidified mind 



  Rhinestone freak

Suburban style 



  I ain't got no money

And I got no car 



  I might make par

if it don't take much 



  I gotta ride very far

'cause I ride on luck 



  I stay pretty stuck

in a rut like I should 



 And I do it for the love

of everything's that's still good 



  I don't know why I come here 



  But I know I'll never leave 



  It's the only place

I wanna be 



  Yeah, yeah, yeah 



  I don't know why I come here 



  But I know I'll never leave 



  It's the only place

I wanna be 



  Yeah, yeah, yeah 



  I'm a long way gone

but I ain't short-lived 



  I got knee-deep pockets

that leak like a sieve 



  I give one tenth throughout

the course of the night 



 And if I don't go home

then I did things right 



  I'd like to settle down

but I ain't that guy 



  'Cause everything I ever did

I always did on the fly 



  I stay stuck

in the rut like I should 



  You know, I do it for the love

of everything that's still good 



  I don't know why I come here 



  But I know I'll never leave 



  It's the only place

I wanna be 



  Yeah, yeah, yeah   


Special help by SergeiK