Short Circuit Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Short Circuit script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Ally Sheedy movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Short Circuit. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Short Circuit Script





Maybe I can provide you

with some schematic drawings.



All right.



Who told you could

take Number One?



Logically, if we need protection

from Number Five...



this is the best weapon

we could have.



Great. So, instead of US$  

million on the loose...



we're going to have




And plus, we are needing

gas money.



I'm sorry.

I just...



I have to draw the line

at snakes.



I'm sure it would make

a wonderful pet, but...



wait, isn't there a home

for cobras somewhere?



Can you hang on

for a second?



Can I call you right back?




Get out of there!






Mr. Scumo!



I know you're in there.



Get out!

Or I'll call the cops.




Are you deaf?



Oh, my God!



Oh, my God! I knew they'd

pick me. I just knew it.






Well, I guess...



welcome to my planet.



Is this thrilling or what?



Don't be scared.



I'm a friend.






Do you know

the word "friend"?



Because that's what I am.

I'm a friend.



So, here I come.



Nice and extremely friendly.




It's me.



So, this is earth.



I'm Stephanie.




No offense, but...



is that really you or is that

a space suit...



and you're inside some place,

maybe just your brain...



in a little jar

or something like that?



- Malfunction.

- You can talk!




Need input.






That's information.



Listen, I am full of it.



Why don't you come to my house

and we can sit down and talk...



get to know each other.

Communicate. Input.



Come on.

It's okay.



No, no.

I mean come with me.



I mean come here.

This way.



Come here.



Come on. Right this way.



March! Heel! Giddup!



- Forward!

- Forward!



Forward, forward.

Come forward.



That's good.

That's really good.



Don't be afraid, guys.

He's a friend.



These are animals.

They're lower life forms.



They're always a little skittish

around new people, aliens.




Need input.




Right, right.



This is a house.

We live inside it.



- We have a floor, see...

- Floor.



And we have the opposite

of a floor...



which is the ceiling.

Look up!






We have windows and...



air! Look over here.









Look at this.



This is a plant.




And these are goldfish.



Don't touch.



Look over there.



These are ants.



They're not aunts,

they're ants.



It's an ant farm.



Look! These are my bunnies.

Edwina and Norman.






I bet you got some amazing

animals in your planet.



Good, there you go.



This is Earth, where

we are now.



You are here.




- Oregon.

- Oregon.



Home of the beaver,

famous for cherries.




Cherries. Input.



I'm giving you

great input.



More input.

More input.



How about pictures?

Do you like pictures?



We have a lot

of pictures here.



A lot of them.



This is a picture

of an aardvark.



See that? It's an aardvark.



- It's a mammal.

- Input. Aardvark.



- Abyssinia, Adams...

- Holy Crowl. You can read.






- More input.

- Okay, no problem.



Volume two.

No problem.



- My neck.

- Sorry.



This is very healthy

for the neck.



Can you believe it's been

  years since I've driven?



I'd say ten.



It's all coming

back to me, though.



You know what many people

are liking at night?



- What?

- Headlights.



- It's a lot better. Thanks.

- Don't mention it.



More input, Stephanie.



- More!

- There isn't anymore.



You've read everything

in the house.




Mammal, skunk.



That's a container

drinking glass.



Pasta, semolina,




Look, this may be hilarious

where you come from...



but here it's considered rude.



Ferns, fruits, oranges...



apples, lemons, limes.



That's great.

Thanks a lot.







No, my dishes!



Oh, my God!



Breakfast table.

American contemporary.



My China!



Numerous fragments.



Some large, some small.



Take a look at this.

Look at that.



Welcome aboard.



- See that?

- Input.




Input, input.






Here. You hold this.

That's very good.



And stay.




At Alaskaan Airlines...



our people go out of their way

just to show you they're human.



With your permission...



I know no one's gonna

believe me...



and I'd like them to know

I'm not crazy, so look up!






This is a barrel of monkeys.



Let's scrape up

some female chicks.



Don't we have to find

a robot?



Pardon me for saying so,

but you're becoming a drag strip.



Girls are not my best suits.

We got a job to do.



As we're fond to say

in my country...



"marketplace make dull

home for rodents."



- Where are you from, anyway?

- Bakersfield, originally.



- I mean your ancestors.

- Oh, them.






It's the Colgate pump

with MFP floride.



The Maximum

Fluoride Protection.



It's a lie.

I didn't do it.



I wouldn't try anything

on you, Tony. We're pals.



Sure we're pals.



No, I didn't do it.

You got me wrong.



I brought you out here.

I worka with you.



You're the last guy in the world

I'd try to cross, you kanow that.



You wouldn't do anything to me.

Give me a chance.



You can have anything I got.




Have you been watching

all night?



Come on.



Don't get up.

I can take care of this.



Haven't you had enough

of this stuff?



You lose IQ points the longer

you watch. There are studies.



You're going to become

the  st alien couch potato...



and I'm not kidding.

Give me that. Give me that thing.



... by eating Thomases

English Muffin...



- Have a heart!

- "Have a heart"...



"Don't cry, little girl",

"Smile your tears away"...



and dozens of other hits all

in this big two-record set.



Call now! Our operators

are standing by.



Are you tired

of bill piling up?



Simplify your life with

Accountant in a Can.



And if you act now,

we'll send along...



You didn't come a million miles

to do TV commercials, did you?



- Duracell...

- Of course you didn't.



Come on. There's something

I wanna show you outside.



Bird. Raven.

Never more.



Now look.





No, no. There.









- Light bulb.

- No. Sun.




No sun.



- Beautiful sun.

- Beautiful.



Rhinoceros, turtle...






You mean with that fat little

body, you can see those things.



Beautiful animal.



Mammal, canine, dog.






- Beasley.

- Beasley.



Beasley, stop it!



Beasley, down!

What are you doing?



Stop it!



Look out!



My God! What happened?

Are you all right?



Please, don't be hurt.

Are you okay?



Say something.



Beautiful Stephanie.



"S A I N T Prototype

number five...



Nova Robotics. Damon,

Washington". You're a robot?



- Yes.

- I thought you were alive.



I let you tear my house

to shreds and you're a robot!



You're a machine from that dumb

war lab place. I'm so stupid.



Stupid: Foolish, gullible,




- dumbbell.

- Shut up!



Shut up: Silence, hush,

sit on it, can it.



Am I the jerk of the world?

You're just programmed.



Jerk of the world, turkey,

idiot, pain in the ass.



I hope you're programmed

to pay for the mess you made.



What if there's a reward

out for that thing?



I could take care of as many

animals as I want.






I'd like to speak to one of your

head Warmongers, please.



Dr. Warmonger, Marner.

I think this may be something.



- Hello.

- Hello.



I'd likae you to kanow

I have one of your robots.













thank you very much

for calling.



Our people are

on their way.



Mount up!

We've got it!



Move! Move! Move!



Today, gentleman, today!

Let's go!



We gotta run away!

Let's go, let's go.



In the meantime,

it's very important...



that you try to keep

a safe distance.



How safe a distance?



Well, see, it's malfunctioning.



We have to disassemble

it and check it out.



It's goofy little gadget.



Try to keep everyone as far away

from it as possible, okay?



Not that it's dangerous

or anything like that.



How much is a contraption

like that worth, anyway?



Worth? I don' kanow.

A few hundred dollars maybe.



No reward or anything

like that for finding it?



Well, we do have a daily tour

of our facilities here.



You kanow, I might even be able

to get you a student discount.



- Hey! It's gone!

- Gone?



Wooly mammals.




Sweaters, mittens.



Nevermind, I see it. Go back

to your nuclear warheads.



Hey, you, Number Five,

What are you doing?



You're gonna scare

my animals, bozo.



Listen, I just called Nova and

they are coming out to get you.



- They'll give you a tune up.

- Tune-up? Input.



They'll take you apart,

find out which screw is loose.



Apart: Undone, dismantle,

dissect, disassemble.









- Look, it's a grasshopper.

- Grasshopper, Orthoptarous insect.






That's great.




All right, let's go back now.

Come on.






Damn it! You klutz!

Look what you did.






Grasshopper disassembled.









I can't reassemble him.

It's dead.







Dead as a doornail.



Reassemble, Stephanie.




I know you don't understand.



But when you're dead,

you're dead.



That's just the way it is.

Dead is forever.



Squash, dead.



Disassemble, dead!



Disassemble, dead!



Slow down.



- No disassemble.

- Where you going?



- Please, escape.

- Oh, my God!



Hey, you!

Get out of my truck.



Let me in.

Let me in.






You open this door

right now.



Get out of my truck,

you thief.



No, don't start my truck.

You don't know how to drive.



Come back here with my truck,

you big hunk of tin.



You can't take my truck.



You better be heavily insured

because you'll find yourself...



slapped with

a humongous lawsuit!



Newton, I'm seeing a blip

on my scope. Drive slowly.



Sorry, sorry.




Newton, there it goes.

It's moving at extreme velocipede.




The right.



Accurate, proper,

correct, appropriate.



My side, over here.




- The right.

- Right.



The right.



Look out!



My kitchen!






Where she going? I thought

Howard told her to stay out.



Go figure out chicks, man.



Look out!



Great! Nice work,




- Thanks at lot.

- Sorry.



Oh, no. Stop it!

Now stop!



- Turn left.

- Left!







- Fish!

- Look out!







Jeez, Number Five,

we're going to be killed.



- Disassemble.

- Disassemble all over the place.







Escape! Escape!



Flee! Hide! Refuge!



What are you afraid of?

What's the matter with you?



Nova Robotics.

Disassemble. Dead.



Disassemble Number Five. Dead.



But you can't die.

You're a machine.



- No.

- No, you're not a machine?



- Yes.

- Yes, you are or you're not?



- Yes.

- Yes, what?



Yes, not.



Talk about a malfunction.



Not malfunction, Stephanie.



Number Five is alive.



Just keep going straight.

Just keep going straight.



Okay fine.



We're getting closer.

Ben, we're getting closer.



I can sense it,

I can sense it.



There they are! You see them?

They're right there.











Number Five, dead.



Girlie, girlie, come quick!

Girlie, danger! Come on!



No, no disassemble,



No disassemble,

Number Five.



Come on, you!



What planet

is this guy from?



No disassemble.



Number Five, don't be scared.



Wait here a second.

I'll be right back.



Come on, Number one.

Come on. Very good.



Careful. Moving nicely.



Jeez, another one.



How many of these guys

have you got, anyway?



- You are a girl, right?

- Yes, as far as I know.




How you doing?



Your little brother's hiding

in my truck.



I have seen some

strange bizarre drivers...



but you may be

awarded the cake.



Me? Talk to your robot.

He did the driving.



Did you say the robot

drove the truck?



Yeah, that's right, chum.

That's exactly what I'm saying.



Bull dyke, you cannot hold

your water with that story girl.



Hey, I was there, okay.



You're sure you weren't doing any

steering or anything like that?



Yeah, I like to drive

off cliffs.



- My robot couldn't drive.

- Are you calling me a liar?



No, but maybe you

have amnesia.



Newton! We are wasting

valueless time.



So what are these guys

used for, anyway?



- It's top-secret crap.

- That's what I figured.



Dr. Love, I'd like to get

my robot back.



He knows that,

but he's scared.



It's a machine.

It doesn't get scared.



It doesn't get happy.

It doesn't get sad.



- It just runs programs.

- How do you explain that?



You see?



He's scared that if you take him

apart he's going to die.



- Where'd you hear that?

- Number Five told me.



He'd tell you if you'd

just talk to him.



That's what I've been

trying to do for...



No, I mean with your mouth.




Okay, Ben,

this is the plan.



Number Five!



Number Five!

Come on out. It's okay.



- Is it cool?

- It's okay.



These guys aren't going

to hurt you. They're friends.



- No disassemble?

- No, no.



They just want

to talk to you.



Come forward.

You remember forward?



- Forward.

- That's it, come on.



I can't believe it.

It's listening to her, not to us.



I am standing here

besides myself.






Now you just tell them

what you told me.



Number Five

not just robot.



There it is!



Move! Move!



Move out!



Go! Go! Go!

Today, gentleman, today!



- Down, girlie!

- What, are you nuts?



Stop! Please.



I've clearance.

I've clearance.



Bend down!



You quit doing that!



You think I'm doing this for

my own self-gratification?






No, stop!






They're killing him!



Hold your fire!



Damn it, stop!

Hold your fire!



Hold your fire!



Number Five alive!






Number Five,

I'm sorry.






You're paralyzing him.



I cut all his power. You can

load it on the truck now.



What the hell

is the matter with you...



you four-eyed idiot.



What an asshole.



I heard that.



Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Where are you taking him?



Okay, I want you guys to...



He's not being a him.



It's only being wires and several

mechanisms and other such...



several mechanisms and other

such machine type apparatus...



for the Pete of sake.

The sate of Pekaer.



You have to turn

him back on.



He was talking before

like a real person.



Couldn't you see that?



Lady, all I could see was that

something mechanical...



is screwed up and

I'll fix it, okay?



Fine! You fix it,




I plan to.



And it's Crosby.

Newton Crosby.



- Stephanie Speck.

- Nice meeting you.



Same here.



- Ben? Ben?

- Sir! Stat!



I want you to go with Number Five

and make sure they do not...



switch off the memory.

Do you understand?



- Absolutely, sir.

- Okay.



Bye-bye, goofy woman.



I enjoyed repeatedly throwing

you to the ground.



No mistake.




You can call me

if you want to.



Call you?



To let me know

if Number Five's okay.



Okay, maybe I will.



Well, don't do me

any favors, Jack.



So there we are.



We're right on top of

Mount St. Helene's...



- and we've got two flat tires.

- Two, that's bad.



Now Hazel's running around

the parking lot.






She's waving

her credit card...



It's life.

It's life.



Very, very funny

American name, Hazel.



Well, It's sure not one you

can hear much anymore.



I never heard it

before I met her.



All except for witchhazel,

who I think she's named after.



- I thought it was a nut.

- That's an old name.



It's an old family name.



They were from

some place in Europe...



- and there's always a Hazel in it.

- In her family.



I guess there's always some

Hazel in Europe.



She's running around trying

to buy somebody's spare tire.



She's showing people her ID's

to prove the checks are good...



like a branch of our bank

where they could check.



She was even trying to swop some

souvernirs when she was gotten.



All of which were made from

the ashes of the volcano...



Did you get a piece of ash?



Of course nobody's going to sell

her a spare tire...



after what we just told

them happened to us.



Especially the way

she was telling them.



And she was trying to convince

them I wasn't a bad driver...



which I'm not.



But, she was doing it by telling

them how thin the road is.



You know, and how curvy and

how many rocks there were...



and how big

and sharp they are.



And all the time I know

what these people are thinking.



They gotta drive down

the same road...



- Sir?

- Yes, sir?






My goodness gracious.



It can't shoot us with

that laser, can it?



I am not knowing.



- Would it kill me if I stopped?

- Who is to say?



Would it kill me

if I don't stop?



Again I am shrugging.



I'm stopping.



Good choice.



Number Five furious,

livid, perturbed.



Hold it right there.



Colt   .

Semi automatic.



Play doh.



What do we do now?



I don't know about you, but

I'm planning to scream and run.



Good answer.



What is it doing?



There it goes

Very good.



You earned that one.



Hi, honey!

What is for dinner?






Practice, Easy Three,

to third and fourth.



Luckay's seventh and

Pacer in the rear.



Now it's Double Trouble makaing

a move on the outside rail...



and Practice right behind.

Jimmy's Folly is calling...



Serving the devil

and on him.



And the devil...



Ready, aim!



What happened?



I hope you took the grass

out of the glove compartment.



Anything wrong, officer?



There's gotta be a logical

explanation for all of this.



Maybe, if it was programmed

to think it was alive...



then it could act alive.



Maybe you've created another

Frankfurter's monster.



Do I look like the kind of a man

who can actually hear...



Howard I think that something

incredible is going on.



What's going on is that we've

got a red alert on your hands?



No, it's not dangerous.



We just have to find

Number Five, get some answers.



There's only one answer.



All right, blast it off the

face of the earth, right?



How many kids you got?






Well, let me tell you

something, Doctor.



I got three of them.

Three little Schroeders.



And I want them to be adults,

not barbequed.



So don't you give me

any of your bullshit.



That having been said, I think

I've got to alert the media.



Now Schroeder's going to handle

this from now on...



and you stay

at your terminal.



Howard, this is ridiculous.



Think of it as

a full-scale field test.



Leave your terminal and

you're out of a job.



Howard, we are going to have

to put up some roadblocks...



and I'm going to

need some Hueys.



Some what?



Helicopters, Howard.

Jesus Christ!



- I thought they were choppers.

- Now they're called Hueys.



Well, why wasn't I notified?



Okay, now listen to me...



- Stephanie Speck.

- Yes.



We're from KJMB News.



Can you please tell us something

About the Nova robot?



- Were you scared?

- No, no.



Did he try to molest

you in any way?



No, he's not that kaind

of a robot.



Do you kanow that there's a

US$   thousand reward?



No, I don't kanow anything

about it.



I don't kanow where it is.

Please, leave me alone.



Why didn't you go

to the police?



You know where it is.



For US$   thousand

I'm going to know where it is.






Is that you, Frank?



I'm warning you,

I'm armed and dangerous.



Disguise, camouflage.




Number Five!

You got away?






You can't stay here!

They'll find you!




Changed color.




nice software.



You sure don't talk

like a machine.



Alive, Stephanie.

Number Five alive.



Yes, I know you think

you're alive...



but those guys who built

you say no way.



I don't know what

to think anymore.



I know it's not safe

for you here.



Go on.

Get out.



Solitude, isolation.




Number Five, come on!



Lonely bum.



Number five, please.



If I went to jail, who would

take care of my animals?



You sure wouldn't.



What are you doing?



"A can of soup.

A meal in itself."



All right, you can stay,

but just for tonight.






If they catch you

I don't know you.



You got it.



Okay, Ben, let's do it.



This is the very first vehicle

I've stolen in the US of A.



Me, too. It's kind of exciting,

Isn't it?



With excitement like this,

who is needing enemas?



Look Ben, we're doing

the right thing.



If they trash Number Five, we'll

never find out what happened.



Dr. Marner!



I knew you would try this.



You're not going

to make it, fellas.



There are soldiers out there

with bazooka's and choppers...



or whatever the hell

they call them now.



We've got to try anyway. You're

a scientist, you understand.



I'm a business man.

I'm not a scientist anymore.



Damn you, Howard.



   years ago you would have

chauffeured us in this situation.



Times have changed.



That was then

and this is now.



All right, now come on.

Let's get back upstairs.



What the heck, Newton.



Let us punch the sack.

Tomorrow is the next day.









No. I'm going.



Howard, shoot me

if you have to.



Don't think I won't.



Come on, Howard,

you know you're bluffing.



Rama, Lord Rama.



Lord Rama,

Lord Rama, grant my wish.



All right, I'm bluffing.



Thank you. Come on, Ben,

let's get out of here.



Very good.



It doesn't matter anyway, the

doors are electronically sealed.



Don't be too sure.



Then you'll have

to drive over me.



That's the way

it's gotta be.



This is going to be

very messy.



This is how I get

the big bucks.






Very good.






Hey, thanks.



Okay, turn off the TV.



- It's time for bed.

- No.



No, turn off the TV.

It's time for bed.



Come on Steph, lighten up.

Let's give it a whirl.



- It's three a.m.

- It's early.



I mean, don't you ever

get enough?



Wrestling, roller derby,

Jimmy Swaggert...



The Three Stooges.

Give It a rest.



Larry, Curly, Moe.



Hey, Know what?

You're not a bad dancer.



Dancing fool.



- Big finish.

- Right.



And then I'm going to bed

and in the morning...



you have to find yourself

a new home.



This home.

Stephanie home.



Number Five home.



Number Five, you don't know

what you're saying.



Number Five know.



"More than a woman."



"More than a woman

to me."



Number Five.



"More than a woman to me."



I'll croon



A little song

About the moon



And when I'm finished

With my crooning



On my kanees I'll fall



My life, my love, my all



Okay, to make these

golden fluffy pancakes...



add flour, milk and eggs.



Mix thoroughly.



Still lumpy.






For crisp, yet moist




brown on one side,

then turn over.



This will be

some good slop.



Is something burning?






Number Five!



- Good morning.

- Sleep well?



You're making me breakfast,

aren't you?



Pancakes surprise.



Number Five,

you're so sweet.



Oh, no.



It's the revenge

of the Mutations.



Listen, why don't you turn that

stove off and I'll be right back.




It'll get cold.



What are you

doing here, creep?



Good morning.



I saw you on TV last night

on the news.



Yeah, I'm a real

big celebrity.



You know there's

a reward out for that robot?



Twenty-five thousand dollars.



Now, I don't know

anything about it.



Why don't you get off

my property?



- Steph...

- Leave me alone.



- Where is it?

- It's not here.



- Get out or I'll call the cops.

- Stephanie, breakfast.



Pancakes, hash browns.



Twenty five thousand dollars.



Don't worry, we'll split it.

Twenty for me and five for you.



Listen, you gotta talk

computer to him.



Tell him exactly what

you're doing...



exactly where you're going, or

he's not going to move an inch.



Number Five,

this is Frank.



How, Robot.

Me friend.



No, talk computer,

not apache.



Fresh O.J.?

Not from concentrate.






Listen, what do you say

we jump in my car...



we'll take a ride.

I'll take you home.



Tell him where

home is.



Home is Nova.



Nova! No!



No disassemble!



Number Five, run!



Come on, treads,

don't fail me now.



- Run, get away now!

- Get off me!



You tricked me,

you little bitch!



Does this mean I don't

get my five thousand dollars?



Forget it! Forget it!



He can go thirty miles an hour,

you big stupid jerk.



I'll show you, how

stupid I am.



Guess who's going to help me

catch it.



Where the hell is my car?






Piece of cake.



Oh, my God!

My car!



Oh, way to go,

Number Five.



Oh, my God, no!



Number Five,

look out!



"Say Pilgrim, that like to

parted my hair."



"If you wanna play rough,

I can sure oblige you."



How can he do that?





            broke the unwritten law.

You ratted on your friends.



And when you do that, Frankie...



your enemies don't

respect you...



you got no friends no more.



You got nobody Frankie."



Pretty good.






Look out!



How about that,

a goddamn robot?



Stephanie, get off me!



Stephanie, that's it.




Not disassemble Stephanie.






I'm calling Nova, and I'm

calling the cops.



And as for you, you

little pain-in-the-neck...



you better not come crawling

back to me, because it's over!






Okay, come on.



They're gonna be after you.

We gotta get out here, now.



So now I'm having no job

to speak about.



I will have to smack

the sidewalk.



I'm not going to let it happen.

You're not going to get fired...



I'm not going to get fired...



- we'll find it intact.

- Very good.



That's right, Howard.



- That's Scrotum?

- Schoreder.



Same thing.



... her only chance is

a backa road into the hills.



We'll concentrate

our search there.



Where the hell are we?



"New York City".



No, I don't think so.

Try the other side.









I'm lost. I don't know

where to go.



- Strategy.

- What about it?



Need some, quick.



What we need is somebody

to make those bozos listen.



- Not bozos.

- What?



One bozo.



Newton Crosby, PhD.



Malfunction, he's the enemy.

He can't help.



Couldn't hurt.



I know why Number Five

took a liking to her.



If it did have that capability,

witch it doesn't, but if it did.



I mean, I think she's pretty,

don't you think?



I am thinking she's a virgin.

Or at least she used to be.



Hello Crosby.



I think it's Howard.



I kanow you're listening,

so picka up the mikae.



This is Crosby.

How's you're back, Howard?



Just hunky-dory, thanks.



I just swore out some warrants

for your arrest.



Good golly.



Because I'm a nice guy, I'm

going to give you a last chance.



I got a phone call from the loony

in the lunch wagon.



She wants to see you.



- Only you.

- She does?



Her paints are blazing for

you Newton Crosby.



Will you grow up.

I'll be there, on one condition.



No Schroeder's.

Is it a deal?



It's a deal.



- Where does she want to meet?

- The Blacka Lion Inn.



Good luck, sir.






He's hidden far away.



He's scared of you guys,

you know.



Do I get him or not?



First we talk inside.



My ex-boyfriend used to

bring me here.



- Hi. How you doin'?

- Fine, good to see you.



- Yeah, ex. So what?

- Nothing.



Okay, here's the deal.



Number Five is alive.



I mean, he is really alive,

like you and me, you see?



I understand. They can seem

quite life-like...



but they're still machines.

Just like your stereo...



or your vacuum cleaner.



No, I know he's a machine.



You're a machine, I'm a

machine. We're alive.



How it happens, who the hell

knows. But it has happened.






Believe me, I'm not against the

idea that happen, but you see...



I built the machine from scratch.



And alive, alive...



it doesn't compute.



I know. It's not your everyday

event. But somehow, it's true.



As Guerrero steps to the plate.

The pitch...



and it's a long line drive

to deep left center.



Hyde is going back for it!




Robot alert!

Number Five located.



Engage in capture,

do not destroy.



Have you thought about

what you're doing?



Trying to hide something

like this?



If you want to help Number Five,

let me have it back.



It's malfunctioning.

It needs to be repaired.



Life is not a malfunction.



Number Five axis

four twenty-nine.



Stay where you are.



- Strike three.

- Number Five, stay where you are.



Number one

you're out of there.



Number Five, stay

where you are.



Oh, my gosh.






Hammer! Axe!






Three quarter inch

double-braid. Perfecto!



"Escaped Robot Fights for

His Life. Film at Eleven."



Target in sight.




Capture and hold.

Elevation sixteen degrees.



Visibility five feet,

two feet, no feet.



Hey, laser lips! Your mama

was a snowblower.



That wraps you up,

you rascally robot.



Target located. Elevation

sixteen degrees. Fire!



Holy moley!



- Elevation    degrees.

- Dumbo!



Axis lost.



Temper, temper!



Three degrees.




Don't fire.

Don't light a match.



Well, when you gotta go

don't squeeze the charming.



Oh, no.




Let me tell you something.



I don't like these Nova guys

anymore than you do.



In fact, I don't care if they

ever get Number Five back...



but I want to see it.



If I show where he is,

do I have your word...



you not experiment

on him?



You will not flip

his switches?



And you will not take

him apart?




You have my word.



He's out back.

I'll take you to him.



If you are ready, young lady,

you can take me, too.



- Schroeder!

- Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks.



- No, I had nothing...

- You bastard!



- I'm not...

- You liar.



Stephanie, a trap!







Looka out!



Here's your table sir.



- You little bastard!

- Paco, please. No autographs.



Come Stephanie.

We be German.









- Stop!

- Go, go, go, go!



Great idea. Newton Crosby,

Ph. Dork.



- What are you doing?

- Keep driving.



- Step on it!

- Okay, hold on.



I have had it!

I have had it!



- This was a precision operation.

- Schroeder, you set me up!



Crosby, I'm telling you

right now...



this little fart of a robot is

beginning to give me red ass.



Where the hell

are those other robots?



They should have cut

Number Five to pieces by now.



- Where are you guys going?

- Who's asking?



A wise guy.



Excuse this.



And this.



Cut it out!







Dumb machines.



That creep.



I should have known. Every time

I think a guy's gonna be okay...



he turns out to be a real jerk.



They are all alike!

All of them!






Well, the next time they mess

with us, we're gonna kick ass.



Kick ass?

Donkey, mule, burro...



One of them comes near you,

you blast them!



Just burn his butt

with your laser.



- Burn?

- Yeah!




No disassemble.



Number Five, come on,

they deserve it.






Jesus, I'm sorry.



I just...



I just...



I don't know what

to do anymore.



Take heart little lady.



I'll fix their wagon.



The cat is dragged in a sight

for four eyes that's for sure.



You look dreadful.



What happened?

Where is Number five?



I saw something incredible.

I saw three robots...



totally re-programmed in

ten minutes.



I saw Number Five crash

trough a wall, grab the girl...



I think he was rescuing her...



crash trough another wall

and drive away.



It was screaming

her name.



Now, wait a minute.



If you're thinking what I'm

thinking you're thinking...



then you're thinking that

female chick is some sort of...



- super hacker or something.

- Sure. She's a super hacker.



First, she cracks

the Nova access code...



then, she deciphers

for the language...



I invented, all that

sitting in the bar.



- Which was great.

- Really? What happened?



We were interfacing, operating

on the same wavelength...



My advice helped, then.



Did she stick her tongue

down your throat?



- No, no.

- Come, tell me. I want to know.



Come on, Newton.



Oh, my goodness.



I am sporting

a tremendous woodie right now.



Come on, tell me Newton.



Our hands came really

close to touching.



And she said I had really

nice eyes.



Yeah, you have brown eyes.



And Schroeder came in with

his Gestapo and ruined it all.



Those bunch of

male-type organs.



- Right.

- That's what I'm meaning.



That's the RF receiver.



It's still tuned to Number Five's

wavelength, right?



Yes, but only if it' less than

twenty feet away.



Hello, bozos.



Guys, it's Howard.

If you don't return...



Benjamin Jhabutiyah,




No, wait!

Rethink yourself.



Exit, depart, leave.



Hear my dust, Newton Crosby!



Let us break wind!



Newton Crosby,

no run, no talk.






Today, Crosby, today!



Number Five?



Number Five,

where are you?



All right dipshit...



where's Number Five?

What did you do to him?



- You gotta control yourself.

- Hello.






You kidnapped him?




shangai, hijacked.







Need input!



I have questions,

queries, posers.



- You and me, both.

- Well, good.



You go up there, sit down,

look at the stars...



talk to each other,

get to know each other...



- man to man.

- Yes.



Beautiful stars.

Better see.



Beautiful stars.

Better see?



Oh, my God.



Are all geniuses as

stupid as you?



He means it's a beautiful

view of the stars.



I think he speaks very well

for a four day old.



Come. Come.

Input! Input!









One more time,

from the top.



Who is your programmer?






You rewired

all your switches.



No wonder

you're malfunctioning.



Switches are my switches.

Life not malfunction.



Not malfunction.

I am alive.



No, you're not!

You can't be.



There's gotta be another









time's up.



Wait a minute,

I'm thinking.



Could be any number

of mechanical possibilities.



Entrance of moisture

into the system.



- Heat expansion.

- Try again.



- Vibration damage.

- No way Jose.



- I'm fit as a fiddle.

- Okay.



Then why did you

ignore your programming?



Programming says "Destroy".



Is disassemble.

Make dead.



Number Five cannot.






Why cannot?



Is wrong. Incorrect.



Newton Crosby, PhD,

not know this?



Of course I know it's wring

to kill, but who told you?



I told me.



Pattycakae, pattycakae

Bakaer's man



Bakae me a cakae

As fast as you can



I brought you some soup.

It's getting cold.



- Thank you.

- Convinced yet?



Well, I got one.



There we go.

Pattycakae, Pattycakae



Number Five,

what do you make of this?



Wood pulp.



Plant, vegetable,




Water, salt,

monosodium glutamate.




Thank you.



Now you're talking

like a robot.



And resemble,

look like...









- Maple leaf.

- Where?



Holy shit!



No shit.

Where see shit?



Now here's your oscillating

circuit. That's done right.



And here's...



Why do you do this?



You shouldn't even

be operating if this goes into...



Let me get my other one.



I got it!



I got it!



All right,

this is it!



Now, listen close.



There's a priest, a minister

and a rabbi.



They're out playing golf and

they're trying to decide...



how much to give to charity.



So the priest says, we'll

draw a circle on the ground...



...we'll throw the money way up

in the air and whatever lands...



inside the circle,

we give to charity.



The minister says "no", we'll

draw a circle on the ground...



throw the money way up in the air

and whatever lands outside...



...that's what we give to charity.

The rabbi says "no, no, no"...



we'll throw the money way

up in the air...



and whatever God wants,

He keeps.



I get it.



What's the matter?



- Is he laughing?

- Yeah.



And the joke wasn't

even that funny.



And I figured I screwed up

the punch line.



Whatever God wants

He keeps.



Well, you look kinda

shook up.



Yeah, it's really true.



Spontaneous emotional




I am alive. Yes?



Yeah, you are.

Yes! Yes!






I hope you bought enough

for everybody.



Give me one, too, Steph.



Oh, right on the sensor.







All right, come on,

come down.




Just tell them he's alive.



Look, it doesn't look like

they want to hear that.



What? Wait a minute.



The plan was: We convince you,

and you convince them.



Damn it, Crosby,

you lied to me again.






Hit it, hit it, hit it!




The army!

The real army!



Your target is there,







if I were you I would

come out of there.






Jesus, these guys

are really severe!



Weapons. M-   machine guns.



-   mm grenade launchers.

- Let me handle it.



Hi, Howard.




How you doin'?



We're fine. Number Five

is right here with us.



I've got it completely

under my control.



- Another lie.

- I'm lying to them, not to you.



It's still lying.



We're coming out now.



They're cooking something up.

I can smell it.



We gotta fire them now,




Don't you dare shoot

your stupid guns.



- Where's Number Five?

- He's fine. He's in the van.



Okay. Okay.



Why don't you and the young

lady just get away from the van...



and let us handle it?



Yes, Stephanie, get away.




Now listen...



I was able to activate

the voice command module.



God damn it!



I'm sick and tired of listening

to this technical bullshit.



Shut up, Schroeder, I'll

handle this.



He's stalling.



Crosby, we're going to have to

ask you to surrender the robot.






- Stat?

- Stat!



- What does that mean anyway?

- I don't know.



But that is not the point.



We need that robot.



Howard, listen...



I know what

the malfunction is.



Sorry, Crosby...



we can't take

any more chances.



We're not losing

that thing again.



Howard, if you'd just come over

and inspect the unit...



You're all such

a bunch of liars!



As soon as they're clear,

open fire!



- Schroeder!

- I'll take care of this.



No, you're not taking over.

Now listen...






Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!



He's alive!

He's alive!



Call them off, Howard.



You're making the biggest

mistake in history!



He's alive!

I can prove it.



No, look, it's okay.

He's going to make it!






Number Five!



Oh, my God.

Get me out of here.



Magnificent! Magnificent!



Now that, is how

you kick ass!



Years of research are lost and

you're happy as a pig in slop.



Just doing my job, sir.



Maybe from now on you can

do it somewhere else.



Are you going

to be okay?



I don't think so.



Not for a while.



I'm sorry you lost your job.



But I'm really glad

you quit Nova.



- What will you do now?

- I don't know yet.



My dad left me a few

acres up in Montana.



I hear it's beautiful there

this time of year.



Great idea!



I say we cruise on up there

and check it out.



Hi, honey!

I'm home!



Number Five?



Pull over, pull over,

quick, pull over!



- Number Five!

- Stephanie!



It's so good to see you.

I thought they blew you up.



Counterfeit. Fac-simile.




He made a duplicate of himself

from all these spare parts.



That's incredible!

This guy's a genius!



- Above average.

- You are great!



You're outstandingly great!



What's our next move?



Come on, let's do as he says.

Let's go to Montana.



I got forty acres up there.

Great for him to hide out...



Soak up input.



I don't know. I have

responsibilities here.



- What about my animals?

- Come on, Stephanie.



Wait a minute.

You say forty acres?



Listen, do you like animals?



Yeah. How many animals

are we talking about?



Great. I drive, you two

work this out.



Number five stupid name.



- Want to be Kevin or Dave.

- Just watch the road, okay?



Maybe Johnny.




Johnny Five.

That's cool.



Gimme five.


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