Voila! Finally, the Silbling Rivalry
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Kirstie Alley movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Silbling Rivalry. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
This is the story...
of how I almost lived
my entire adult life...
in a functional coma...
instead of becoming the writer
I always dreamed I'd be...
like Sylvia Plath, only happy.
To be a writer
was my childhood dream...
but like my childhood,
the dream was sweet...
but mostly it was short.
My parents died
in a car accident...
leaving my sister
and me orphans.
My sister acted
like a brat at the funeral...
setting a life-Iong pattern...
of always doing and saying
whatever she felt.
As for me, the next twelve years
were very Ionely...
until...
With this ring,
I thee wed.
His name was Harry Turner,
and we were in love.
I thought everything
was going to be perfect...
and it might have been,
except for one thing...
Harry was already married
to someone else...
his family.
Harry joined
their medical practice...
and although I had his hand
in holy matrimony...
they had his shingle.
Harry became a brilliant
gastroenterologist...
who really knew his way
around an intestine.
See this part here?
To people on the outside...
I'm sure it looked like
we had a happy life together...
and for a while,
I thought we did, too.
I mean, things
weren't exactly...
the way I would
have liked them...
but I learned
to make compromises...
which is how we achieved
a balance in our marriage.
The problem is...
somewhere during
eight years of balancing...
I stopped thinking
of myself as me.
All I was was Harry's wife.
Hi. How are you?
We were one of those couples
who did everything together...
except communicate.
Good night, dear.
You didn't want
to make love, did you?
No, no. That's all right.
Good.
Sex wasn't everything,
but it was...
one of the few things we did
without Harry's family.
So when that began to fade,
I should have said something...
but I didn't know how.
Harry, I thought I'd make...
a nice, big pot roast
for your family tonight...
or turkey.
What do you think?
Uh-huh.
Harry, can you hear me?
Mmm.
Hello?
Come on in, Iris.
Your front door was open.
I'm sorry.
You want some coffee?
Please.
Marjorie? Coffee.
I'll need some milk with that.
With milk.
What's this?
"We love you loads,
Uncle Charles."
The kids made it themselves.
How can they love him loads?
He left for Costa Rica
before they were born.
I think they're just proud
to have an uncle...
that helps so many people.
All doctors help people.
Charles travels all over
the world helping people.
I don't think all doctors
do that, Harry.
Here you go.
Just like you like it...
with one splash.
Low-fat.
There's no problem.
Low-fat.
Anyway, the kids
can't wait to meet him.
I can't, either.
It's so weird having
a brother-in-law...
that I don't even know.
It's weirder having
a brother you don't know.
What's that supposed to mean?
My own brother sends me
one letter in fifteen years.
When you're off winning
the Nobel Peace Prize...
you can't be expected to write
a bunch of letters.
Did Charles win
a Nobel Peace Prize?
He didn't win.
He was just nominated.
Why do you do this?
Do you think he'll like me?
Of course he'll like you.
You're Harry's wife.
Here you go. Low-fat.
Too late. Gotta go.
Got a C-section at : .
And I've got a polyp at : .
Hiya, doll.
How's my sweetheart?
Tired. Haven't seen you
in a while, Nick.
You been busy?
Yeah. Busy, busy, busy.
Having lunch
with my brother today.
He's here.
Good.
How's the fish fry?
I wouldn't eat it, honey.
Hey, Wilbur!
I hear the fish fry
is no good...
but I got a feeling
about the meat loaf.
Your landlord called me today.
You haven't paid your rent
in four months.
Your landlord says
you owe $ back rent.
I know.
And I'm going to go
over to his office...
after this lunch...
and pay him part
of what I owe him...
as a good faith kind of thing.
Good. How much you
going to give him?
$ .
Where are you going
to get the money?
Can you loan me bucks?
No, just until I close this
big deal that I'm working on.
All right, Nick, look...
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to lend you
the whole $ .
Oh, no, no. Wilbur,
I can't take that much!
Nick, you know I'm up
for chief of police.
I know.
I can't believe it.
But this kind of thing...
could really hurt
my chances, Nick.
You know, my brother
getting evicted...
for not paying his rent.
Right.
I'm under
a magnifying glass, Nick.
I got to get appointed
by the mayor.
You get to meet the mayor?
It's all public.
You could blow this for me.
You deserve
to be chief of police...
and I'm going to do everything
I can do to help, and...
because we're brothers, and...
I love you.
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you!
Yeah. You wanted to see me, Pat?
Shut the door.
You've been working for me
for three months today...
and you haven't sold
one set of blinds.
Can I sit down here?
No.
Uh...
Face it, Nick...
You're just not a salesman.
Oh, Pat, don't say that.
You're hurting me.
I gotta let you go.
No, Pat. No. Not yet!
You see, I...
I've got an appointment here...
and I'm going down now to...
I'm going to the Sheraton.
The Sheraton?
Yeah. I am going to put
an A- Acme vertical blind...
in every window in every room
in that hotel.
But the Sheraton's got drapes.
Exactly.
Hi, J.
Hi. What's wrong?
Nothing. I just came by
to drop these off.
Why?
Because I thought
this would be...
a real good opportunity
for you to think about...
going to community college.
What are you,
my career counselor?
No. I'm your sister.
Jeanine, I just think...
that you can do
better than this.
I like fish.
Of course you like fish, because
you don't have to have...
a real relationship
with a fish.
I think you are
very, very unhappy...
and I'm glad we're
talking about it...
because I think you have a lot
of feelings bottled up inside.
What are you talking about?
Does Harry go down on you?
I didn't think so.
Please do not
talk to me like this.
I bet you've never come
even once in your life.
You just... Get back here,
young lady.
Listen to me.
This is why you don't
have a relationship!
What?
This... that... because you are
so forward.
I'm not forward.
I'm honest.
Is that what you call it?
Is that why you're single,
making minimum wage?
I don't want a relationship.
I'm independent.
And as a matter of fact...
I have had
quite a few relationships.
No. To qualify
as a relationship...
it has to last
longer than hours!
At least I didn't marry
the first guy who felt me up.
He isn't the first guy who...
I had some...
Could you grab those, please?
Do you love Harry?
Yes, I love Harry.
He is my husband.
Why don't you like him?
I like him.
It's just that his whole family
treats me like street scum.
They have never used
that exact term.
Ever since you met this guy...
your life got wrapped up
into this neat little package.
You even stopped writing.
You used to love to write.
That was a long time ago.
And I never was a real writer.
You wrote short stories.
Those weren't short stories.
Those were novels.
I just never finished them.
You started them a lot,
and since you got married...
you stopped even starting them.
This is ridiculous.
I know you were a virgin
when you got married.
Don't you ever wonder
if Harry's doing it right?
Harry is doing it fine!
And even if he weren't,
it's none of your business.
You know what you should do?
You should have an affair.
What?
Then at least you'd have
some frame of reference.
Do you know something?
I have spent
most of my life...
pretending like
you are retarded...
just so I can stand
being related to you!
You dented your cheese.
Is this checkout line closed?
No. The cashier just went to get
my credit card approved.
She's going to let you use
a credit card to buy just that?
No. I'm buying one of those
fruit baskets over there.
This goes with that.
What do you think?
People really like
those kind of things?
I don't know.
I suppose so.
Would you like it?
I don't know!
Sorry.
You could use your anger
in a more productive way.
How's that?
You could help me
write this card.
It might calm you down.
What's the present for?
A party.
But I'm having second thoughts
about going.
OK. Everything's ready.
Your order's in.
Let's see...
I got the address.
They're making up your basket
in the back...
and we'll send it out
as soon as it's done.
OK. Thanks.
You done with that card yet?
Not yet.
I was just getting some help.
What do you say?
So then you don't really
want to go to this party?
No, not really.
I feel obligated, but...
Tell them to start without you.
OK.
That way, you know...
You could go late,
if you wanted to.
Chardonnay.
Bourbon and soda.
Enjoy.
Why were you so angry?
I was just upset.
Somebody upset me... my sister.
You shouldn't
let her bother you.
She thinks that I need to...
improve myself.
You shouldn't pay so much
attention to your family.
Anyone can see that
you don't need improvement.
You don't know me.
Not that I don't appreciate...
that you think
that I don't need any.
I like you
much better this way.
How's that?
You're in a good mood now.
I think you put me
in a good mood.
How'd I do that?
I don't know.
I guess it's nice
to just, you know...
be able to just be myself.
Instead of?
Instead of what
I'm supposed to be.
- You know, good.
- Oops!
Oh... I'm Sorry.
What does that mean...
Good?
Sometimes people just think...
that you're always supposed
to act one certain way.
And that can just get
sort of tiring.
You're being good now?
I'm not.
I don't even know you...
And I never talk to strangers.
Are you always good?
Yeah, pretty much.
I try to be.
Did you ever try not to be?
I don't think anybody
would recognize me.
I don't think people
would really like it if...
if I wasn't being...
the person that they think I am.
So you're protecting everyone
from this other side you have.
Must be a pretty
dangerous side.
You been hiding yourself
for a long time?
As long as I can remember.
I bet it would be real nice
to let the real you out.
I don't even know
if I know how to do that.
Do you?
My, my, my Aunt Jemimah!
Sweet, sweet...
This is delightful.
Oh, my god,
you are truly gifted!
What is that you're doing?
That's good!
That's very good.
This is very pleasurable!
Ina gadda davida!
Are you a jogger?
I can't take any more.
God! Whoa, whoa!
Jesus!
Just take me...
This is so...
I can't take it anymore.
Yes, I can. I can.
Just give it to me.
OK, just...
Oh, god, rock and roll!
Is this all the mail
from yesterday?
Yes. I believe that'll be it.
I'll take care of it.
Hi, Don.
How's it going?
Mr. Diamond doesn't want
vertical blinds, Nick.
Mr. Diamond hasn't seen
my vertical blinds.
And because you and I are
old friends from high school...
I thought that
I'd give your boss...
first peek at the new line...
before I brought them
across town to the Hyatt.
There's no way, Nick.
There is a way, Donnie.
If I can hang them
in one of the rooms...
if Mr. Diamond can see
what they do for a window...
they sell themselves.
They sell themselves.
I think I just made up
for the last eight years.
I don't know your name...
and you don't know my name,
and that's good...
because this
can never happen again.
I hope it does...
but with my husband, not you.
I never had an...
I always knew
that I had it in me.
You just made me feel so...
Whatever you did was just so...
We've got to get up.
I have to go.
You going to wake up,
sleepy head?
Come on. Get up.
Oh, god!
...
.
All right.
Wrong key.
Oh, jeez!
This is my fault.
I'm sorry.
I'll get that.
I'm sorry. I'm fine.
No. Wait.
I don't believe this happened.
Look, here's your...
Here's your... things.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
Your personal...
Yep!
Yeah.
Oh, boy!
I can't believe this day!
The wallet!
Got to give it to Donnie.
Wait a minute.
Your... door's open.
I see you put up the sign.
Thanks, Harry.
Where have you been?
I've been...
I've been with my...
my sister.
What were you doing
with your sister?
You've got a dinner to cook.
I know that!
I have to take a shower.
Isn't your sister coming
to help you?
No.
Yes, she's coming.
Of course she's coming.
Why wouldn't she come?
I'm a sinner!
I'm a killer sinner.
I'm a sinful killer!
Oh, god!
Forgive me, please!
Forgive me.
- - - .
No, not...
- - .
Hello!
I'd like to make
an anonymous report.
Is that OK?
Yes, please.
I just thought
you should know...
that there is
a dead man in room ...
at the Summit Bluff Sheraton.
Did you get all that?
Yeah, I got it.
Good.
Ma'am? Hello?
Ma'am, hello?
Summit Bluff Sheraton.
May I help you?
This is Officer Rodriguez
with the Summit Bluff police.
Let me talk to hotel security.
Mr. Diamond, the elegant choice
for the Nineties.
That's one.
Anybody in there?
Wait!
Don't open the door!
Sorry. I'm just
getting undressed.
Hotel security.
Everything OK in there?
Yes. Everything's fine.
I'm here alone,
and nothing's wrong.
I got a call about some trouble
in this room.
I didn't call.
Haven't used the phone, so...
There's no trouble here.
OK.
Sorry to bother you.
Don't worry about it.
All right.
OK.
That's one.
The bracket...
Darn it, bracket!
Stuck.
Oh, my god!
I'm sorry!
I didn't know you were asleep.
Oh... blood!
Oh! Oh, boy!
You've been hurt!
All right. All right.
Just relax! Relax.
Hello?
Hello!
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
Oh... oh, My g...
Pulse. Pulse. Come on!
He's dead.
He's definitely...
He's definitely dead.
This isn't good.
This definitely isn't good.
Look...
What am I going to do?
I'll call the...
No, I guess I'll go to the desk
and tell them that...
I can't believe it!
Wait. Donnie won't like this.
Donnie won't like this.
I'll call...
I'll call...
I don't know who to call.
I remember this day.
I tried so hard not to cry.
I was so proud
of our new little Dr. Charles.
Charles Junior was
a very fine-Iooking young man!
I never realized how much
he looks like me.
Look at me.
Was I ever really that cute?
You must have been.
Look at you now.
Why wasn't I in this picture?
I think you were sick.
You were always getting sick.
Not me.
It's not me.
Not me.
It's never me.
It's me.
Honey, why don't you tell them
about your urethra.
I had to dilate
a urethra today...
One millimeter.
Here's your radishes.
Hello?
Hello.
May I speak
to Marjorie Turner, please?
This is she.
Yes. You don't know me,
but I have some bad news...
about your husband.
Your husband
has had an accident.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Who was that?
Prank call.
Hello?
Mrs. Turner...
your husband's had an accident
in his hotel room.
Who is this?
Mrs. Turner, he's had
a very severe accident.
You have the wrong number.
No, I don't.
Who was it?
A breather?
Sort of.
What?
Mrs. Turner,
this isn't a joke.
So please don't hang up on me.
How do you know my name?
And where did you get
this phone number?
I found your wallet
here in the hallway...
and I have it in the hotel.
Thank you so much.
Let me just go check.
I'll be right with you.
Darn it.
You are correct.
Mrs. Turner...
I think your husband is dead.
Listen to me.
I need that wallet.
What about your husband?
Listen to me.
Just stay put.
I will meet you there
in minutes.
And don't call anyone
until I get there.
Stay here.
Who was that?
I have to go out a minute.
Where?
Somebody found my wallet.
They're at the grocery store
waiting to pick it...
Would you get that, please?
You can't go now!
I have to!
It's got my license in it.
It has all my credit cards.
It has everything,
and they want me to come.
What about dinner?
You cook.
I don't cook.
I reheat.
Oh, god.
All right, I'll start.
You get over here.
This is chicken.
Here is the recipe.
We are making veal marsala.
Chicken!
Chicken marsala!
Take a piece
of chicken like this.
Slice, slice, slice, slice.
This afternoon, I cut out
half of a lower intestine.
It seemed like it was
a quarter of a mile long!
Where is Charles Junior?
He's late.
He said he'd be here at : .
It's only : .
Hello.
Excuse me for a few minutes.
Where are you going?
Where's she going?
To... out. I'm going
to the grocery store.
I left my wallet there...
and the people
that work there...
would very much like me
to come and get it.
Can't your sister go
and pick it up...
No! Because...
I have to sign for it,
of course...
to prove that it's mine.
Can't you just wait
until my brother gets here?
I would like to make
a good impression.
I would like the whole family
here to greet him.
Who's going to cook dinner?
My sister.
Let's go out to eat.
Marjorie!
Your sister can't cook.
Yes, she can. I just taught her.
It's just chicken, Harry.
There's Charles.
Dr. Turner?
What the...
If you'd just sign here, please.
I'll bet this is
from the polypectomy...
I did this morning.
The young lady
seemed very grateful.
Oh, it's lovely.
What does she say?
This is typical.
It's from Charles.
Charles?
Charles sent fruit.
Isn't that sweet?
It's an hour late.
This isn't fruit.
This is a total lack
of consideration.
It looks like fruit to me.
What does the card say?
"Start without me."
He's going to be late.
All right, Mrs. Turner,
do you remember me?
I just wanted to tell you that
I didn't mean any of this...
and I know
you must be just...
But I just feel so terrible.
Do you have my wallet?
Pardon me?
My wallet.
I'm in the vertical
blinds business, right?
And I was doing
an installation here.
I'll show you.
I was like this,
working on the window...
and I didn't see him sleeping.
Sleeping?
Yeah. I was having trouble
with this bracket...
which is not normally the case
with this particular model...
but I had to use force,
and I jammed up in there.
This got caught...
and I was pulling
and pulling and pulling...
and then it came loose
and... Oh, jeez!
Just about like that.
And...
It came down right on him.
It stabbed him, really,
right in the left temple.
Right there.
At least he went in his sleep.
It was quick.
I doubt if he felt any pain.
Are you all right?
Do you want any...
Do you want any water?
No, thank you.
I guess I should just
call the hospital.
No, you can't do that!
You can't call the hospital.
Why not?
Because I can't bring him
to the hospital.
Why is that?
Because he's not my husband.
No... now, Mrs. Turner,
let's face the facts.
Sit down.
Your husband is a doctor.
Yes, he is, but...
No. I found his wallet,
and I looked in the I.D.
So I know he's your husband...
Dr. Charles Turner.
No. That is my...
This is...
He's my brother-in-law.
Let's stick with reality.
You both have
the same last name.
That's how we both
have the same last name.
I didn't know he was
my brother-in-law.
I had never met him...
until this afternoon.
I guess you two
just hit it off, then.
Yeah, we really did.
But my husband doesn't
know about this...
and I would be
ever so grateful...
if you could be here
when the police arrive.
Police?
Yeah, and you know what?
They wouldn't even have to know
that I was here today...
if you didn't want to tell them.
No, we can't call the police.
What I mean is, you can
call the police, but I can't.
I can't even be here
when the police arrive.
How come?
I just can't.
What are we going to do
about him?
Maybe if I call the hospital.
No, you can't call
the hospital, either...
because if you call
the hospital...
they will notify the police.
That's standard procedure.
I know that.
What about your family?
Can't you call anybody?
No! I can't call my family!
They would tell my husband...
and he would find out
that l... Oh, god!
What are we going to do?
I don't know. I don't know
what we're doing! God!
All right.
This is a definite tragedy...
but it's also an accident...
and I think we ought to not
lose sight of that.
He's dead!
I think we ought to not
lose sight of that!
Let's stay calm.
How am I supposed
to stay calm?
All right,
i'll tell you what.
I think we should
probably just...
I think we should
get rid of the body.
Did you say...
Get rid of the body?
Yeah. It's in both
of our best interest.
Get rid of the body.
Do you have a better idea?
No. I'm not real good
with stuff like this.
I don't want to be involved.
I really don't.
I don't think I should be
involved in this.
Why not?
Because I can't.
I can't! God! Lord!
If you run out on me now,
you're going to force me...
to call your real husband.
If you call my husband...
I'm calling the police!
Yes, I will!
Yes... I will.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
All right.
All right...
I know there's
got to be a solution.
A suicide.
Lady, don't think like that.
There's got to be
a better way out.
Not me!
Him.
He's going to...
Know what we can use?
These.
L .
. Go ahead.
We got an emergency call
reporting a fatality...
only there's no victim
at the recorded address.
What's the cause of death?
Caller didn't say.
I thought you might want to...
check out the origin
of the call.
The lady seemed pretty upset.
I'll check it out.
What's the address?
Oak Tree Road.
Excuse me, miss.
I'm Captain Meany...
with the Summit Bluff police.
I knocked on your front door.
You must not have heard me.
What's wrong?
I'm checking out
an emergency call.
It came from your address
about : tonight.
What emergency?
Do you live here?
No. My sister
and her husband do.
Are they at home?
No. They just left.
But my sister
should be back soon.
Do you mind if I ask you
a few questions?
Only take a couple of minutes.
Sure.
Come in.
All right.
Let me see if I've got
everything.
You came over
at approximately : p. m...
to help your sister cook
for a dinner party...
and shortly thereafter,
everyone decided to eat out.
Yeah.
Are you sure it's a woman
who made the phone call?
Yeah.
Because it definitely wasn't
my sister's in-laws.
That family receives
crank calls.
They don't make them.
That leaves
you and your sister.
I know I didn't make
any crank call.
And I know my sister would never
make a crank call...
believe you me.
But I know you probably
can't just take my word for it.
I like to be thorough.
But I'll tell you...
Sometimes I go
on instinct alone.
I believe in instinct, too.
It's always right, isn't it?
% of the time.
Thanks for the coffee.
It's tea.
What? You're kidding.
This is tea?
No!
Son of a gun, it is tea!
Usually I hate tea,
but this is good.
I used two bags.
That's your trick.
I don't usually cook.
I don't have the time
because I have this career.
That's understandable.
Thanks for the...
What do you do?
I work at Carl's Fish Fair.
I've been there.
I never saw you there.
Probably because the day
I was there, you weren't there.
Because I'd have remembered you.
Thank you.
I gotta go.
You want to make sure
you lock this after I go.
Good night.
Good night, captain.
How's this?
"My darkness descends
deeper than I knew it could.
"Enveloped in the blackness,
I search for some light.
"Maybe now...
Maybe this time."
That's beautiful.
You really think so?
I was really touched.
I really believed it.
Thank you.
I hope everybody else
believes it.
They definitely will.
Do you think anyone
might recognize the handwriting?
No. I wrote like a doctor.
Where did you get all of these?
From my husband, the doctor.
He's a doctor?
The whole family...
they're all doctors.
They get these
samples of drugs...
from these drug companies,
free of charge.
I've got a lot of blue ones
in there now...
and a lot of the red ones.
You think I ought to...
There's some more white ones.
Yeah, use them all.
Just stuff them down there.
There they are.
All right. I think
that about does it.
Good. You have that done,
and I have this, and...
Were you absolutely sure
that you got all these deals?
What's that?
The protection.
How many were used?
Five.
Five.
Wow!
He had been out of the country
for a very, very long time.
I see.
We found four so far.
Oh, rats!
Did you check the shower?
Yes, I already got
the one in the shower.
Already got the shower.
OK, we were...
Shower!
Do you have any idea...
where that fifth one
might have been applied?
Did you check out here
on the balcony?
No, you got that one already.
Yeah, I already got that one.
Let me see...
Found it!
What? He's still wearing it?
Go ahead. Just...
I'm not taking it off.
You certainly can't expect me
to take it off.
You ought to do something...
because that's not
a very appropriate thing...
for a suicide.
I'm just absolutely not
taking it off.
You are more familiar
with him than I am.
Yes, but you have
done this before.
I mean, this kind of thing
you have done.
Haven't you sort of done this?
I've taken them
off me personally...
but I've never taken them
off another man.
Why don't you pretend
like he's you?
No. This is where
I draw the line.
All right. Fine.
I will do it myself.
God, it's no big deal!
I sort of think you're acting
like a little bit of a baby.
It's just a body.
A body is just a house
God gives us to live in.
That's all our body is.
And then we go away
to a different place...
and we don't live
in our house anymore.
Now, see? There.
Was that any big deal?
Nick.
Will!
What are you doing here?
I just thought
I'd stop by and say hello.
Say hello?
Yeah. I really need
something to drink.
And maybe we could
have a little talk.
Good. Because I really
need to talk.
You need to talk?
You never need to talk.
I'm always the one
that needs to talk.
Do you got one of those
"not really beers" in here?
It's on the door.
Great.
I've earned this tonight.
I met a woman tonight.
Yeah?
So did I, only I can't
really date this one.
We're sort of
in a business deal together...
because of a certain event.
I don't know what
she sees in me, but...
we talked for over an hour.
She made me feel important.
Who?
The woman I met tonight.
Yeah?
I think you're important.
You think I'm important...
because I'm always getting you
out of trouble.
She's different.
She doesn't want
anything from me.
I don't want anything from you.
Just sit down.
One of the reasons
why I came over here tonight...
was I wanted
to find out about... tea!
You're drinking tea.
Yeah. Tea's good.
This girl is younger than me,
but in a lot of ways...
she's more independent
than I am.
She really understands me.
I understand you.
And I like who I am
when I'm with her.
Wilbur, about this
chief-of-police thing...
What if something...
minor happened?
What's the most minor thing
that could happen...
and you'd still be OK?
Are you in trouble again?
No, no!
I was just wondering.
Her name is Jeanine.
I gotta call her.
No, I was just wondering if...
I was wondering how much...
accidental manslaughter
will hurt your chances.
God.
When did you find out?
We got the call this morning.
Someone from the hotel
housekeeping staff found him.
Why was he staying
in a hotel, anyway?
He was supposed
to stay with us.
I spent over $ ...
on new slipcovers
for the guest room.
Maybe he was too depressed
to be with anybody.
How would she know?
Marjorie gets depressed
sometimes.
Yeah. Every now and then,
I get a little blue.
What on God's earth did Charles
have to be depressed about?
Charles is gone.
I can't believe he's gone!
Why did he do it?
He left this note.
A note?
"My darkness descends deeper
than I knew it could."
"Enveloped in the blackness,
I search for some light."
"Maybe now...
Maybe this time."
What a beautiful note!
Did you really like the note?
Of course we like the note.
What kind of
a question is that?
A very insensitive one!
He should have been here,
where he belonged...
with his family
at his coming-home party.
Maybe he didn't
want to be here.
I have never seen you
this talkative before!
Children, I'm afraid
there are still...
certain details to discuss.
The funeral...
Before we get into that,
I was thinking about...
The organ donation center...
You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that Charles
would have liked it...
if we donated
his organs to science.
Iris, that's
an excellent idea!
Harry.
Harry?
Do you really think
that's necessary?
Yes.
Yes, I think it's appropriate.
Otherwise, I wouldn't
have suggested it.
Yes. My Charles
would have liked that.
Thank you, Iris.
Guess what.
I met this guy.
I think I really like him.
You always think you like them
for hours.
You always do this.
Do what?
Whenever
something good happens...
you have to find something bad
to say about me.
That's not true.
Then try being happy for me
for once, OK?
OK.
So, tell me about him.
He's not like the men
I usually date.
He has a job?
Yeah. And we haven't
known each other that long...
but we talked all night
on the phone.
And get this...
he loves fish.
Not only that,
but he has a tank.
It's small, but he says
he wants to get a bigger one.
He sounds really committed
to his fish.
It's more
than just fish, though.
We're getting
to know each other.
He told me about
his two old girlfriends.
I'm telling him
about my past relationships.
The weirdest thing is,
I owe it all to you.
What do you mean?
I met him at your place
last night...
and I'm nuts about him.
Last night?
Yeah. After you all left...
he came around
investigating a crank call.
What?
Does he work
for the telephone company?
Nope. He's a cop.
Cop? A policeman?
There was a policeman
in my house last night?
Yep. And I am going to be
at his house tonight.
Why didn't you tell me this?
I forgot.
Does Harry know?
No. I was going to call
you guys and tell you...
only Wilbur called...
that's his name, Wilbur...
and we talked all night,
so I thought I'd tell you today.
This is just like you!
It's no big deal.
Only he still
needs to talk to you.
Me? Why?
There was
this crank call made...
and he said they traced it
back to your house.
What do you mean
by a crank call?
A call.
Oh, lord.
Don't worry. I told him
it was a mistake.
Did he believe you?
Of course!
Why wouldn't he?
I just knew something like this
was going to happen.
Wilbur needs to talk to you
about this crank call...
on account of he's up
for police chief...
and he wants to cover
all his bases.
Only I don't want you to say
anything bad about me, OK?
I really like this guy.
All right?
OK!
What's wrong?
Nothing.
God!
Marjorie?
Marjorie, are you OK?
Yes. I'm just
a little emotional.
I missed choir practice
this morning...
and I just hate myself!
I hate to sound
like a broken record...
but I know how to cure you
of these moods of yours.
I don't think so.
You should get rid of Harry
and have an affair.
As soon as you and Harry
clear things up...
then you won't be
so jealous of me.
I am not jealous of you!
Oh, yeah?
Then why are you crying?
I am crying because
Harry's brother died.
Oh, please! You didn't
even know Charles.
I knew him!
Right. You knew of him,
but you didn't really know him.
I really knew him.
I killed him!
Marjorie,
do you have your period?
Are you listening to me,
god damn it?
You never curse!
Oh, Lord, forgive me.
Now I have two things
to confess in church this week.
What are you talking about?
I knew him
in the biblical sense.
What?
I met him, and we did it!
You had sex
with your brother-in-law?
It was not sex.
It was good!
And, Jeanine... I had one.
One what?
You know...
I don't believe this!
You said you killed him.
How'd you kill him?
Sex!
Sex?
I had an affair
because you told me to!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm saying excuse me!
Marjorie,
this is so bizarre.
I know. I must have been
too powerful for him.
He had himself a heart attack!
While you were...
After!
I think it was after.
I hope it was after.
Howie, is that you?
No.
Iris. And Harry.
Just checking in.
You two shouldn't be in here.
This is highly irregular.
Calm down, Plotner.
Just going to make sure
our brother is in good hands.
Yeah, but you shouldn't
be in here. It's unethical.
The chest cavity appears to be
within normal limits.
Do you want to do this?
This is a funny thing.
Must be one
of those pills he took.
There's a whole clump of them
in his esophagus.
They didn't get digested.
None of these got digested.
What are you doing?
Get out of there!
Look at this.
Looks like an eraser.
From a pencil.
It's an eraser from a pencil.
Your brother was a weird guy.
Plotner, you got a second?
David.
Oh. Harry.
Yeah.
Take a look at this.
I don't understand it.
Charles was
an excellent doctor.
Why would he
try and kill himself...
with a thousand milligrams
of stool softener?
He tried to kill himself
with a laxative?
That and milligrams...
of a nonsteroidal
anti-inflammatory.
That's for menstrual cramps.
I know.
Antihistamines,
aspirins, muscle relaxants...
vitamin tablets...
all in small dosages.
I don't get it.
Your brother...
wasn't he doing immunization
work in South America?
Yes.
He was brilliant.
Then he would have had access
to some very lethal medications.
I know. So why would he
take that stuff?
It's like he raided
somebody's medicine chest.
You might as well know.
I don't think that Charles
committed suicide.
What?
Harry, why do you say that?
For one thing, there was
scar tissue on the heart.
That usually indicates
a heart attack.
Heart attack.
Also, there were some signs
of sexual activity.
What about the suicide note?
That's the only thing
I can't understand...
because the lab reports
came back...
and the drugs that Charles took
are all highly suspect.
What's wrong
with the drugs he took?
Can't they kill you?
They'll give you the runs,
numb your ovaries...
and give you a very relaxed take
on your situation...
but they won't kill you.
I don't see why you have to
turn this into a police case.
Charles is dead.
Why don't you just let it be
and bury the man?
I can't, Marjorie.
I can't bury him...
until I find out
what happened.
Hi, Jeanine.
Hi. How you doing?
Good. Come on in.
I brought you something.
You didn't have to
bring anything.
I made a whole dinner.
No, it's not food.
It's a scavenger.
Take care of
any algae problems.
Where's your tank?
Right over there.
It's a bowl, actually.
A scavenger, huh?
That's great, because sometimes
I get a little algae.
A little?
That's very sweet of you.
This guy's going to have
a good time tonight.
I'm just going
to float him.
Let him get used
to the temperature.
Where's your brother?
I don't know. I don't even know
if he's coming.
But dinner's all ready.
Maybe we should just eat.
Relax.
He's just a little late.
Besides, I like it
when we're alone together.
I wanted you to meet
my brother up front.
Here, sit down.
I didn't want you to think...
that I was keeping
anything from you.
What would you
be keeping from me?
My brother.
What's wrong with him?
Nothing.
It's just that...
sometimes he has a hard time
holding onto a job...
or paying a bill.
I love spaghetti.
It's my specialty.
It's not that
my brother is lazy.
It's just that he isn't...
Isn't as accomplished as you?
That's not it.
Actually, I wish
he was more like you.
Do you know that...
you're the most independent
woman I've ever met...
that liked me back.
I know what it's like...
to be following
in someone's footsteps...
who is always doing
the right thing...
and constantly being judged
by their standards.
Maybe I am judging him
by my standards.
I'm sure your brother
would love to be like you...
but it doesn't sound
like he is.
That's it. For years,
I've hated feeling...
like I had to take
care of him.
Don't take care of him.
Just be his brother.
You're right.
That's what I've got to do.
Let's eat.
You don't really need
to meet my brother.
Just like you don't really have
to meet my sister.
Feed me.
Yes, ma'am.
You want sausage,
or do you want meatballs?
Both.
You got it.
Wilbur...
what's your feeling
on this prank call?
Your gut feeling?
It's nothing, I guess.
Wilbur, go with your gut.
Remember how often it's right.
Wilbur?
Wilbur?
Yeah. I'm sorry to wake you,
but I'm in jail.
I've turned myself in.
What for?
I killed a man.
What?
It was by accident,
but he's dead.
Dead?
What? What is it?
It's nothing.
Did you say that you...
Yeah.
I was in a hotel room
doing an installation...
and things went bad.
Oh, my god.
The hotel room.
That's my prank call!
The man's name
was Charles Turner.
I didn't even know him.
Oh, my god! You?
That was you?
I need a lawyer,
if you know any.
I hate to keep
leaning on you...
but I don't know how I'm going
to find one from in here.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll take care of it.
Great.
Will, I'm sorry.
When I get out of here...
after I've served my time...
I'm going to be
the greatest salesman ever...
and I'm going to pay you back
all the money I owe you.
OK?
OK.
I love you, Will.
Yeah. Right.
I know who killed Charles.
You do?
This is very difficult.
Look, Wilbur, this has nothing
to do with us. Really.
I know you're nothing
like your brother...
just like I'm nothing
like my sister. Nothing at all.
Jeanine...
I know, but it was
an accident.
There's a lot
at stake here, Wilbur.
How do you know?
You don't even know Nick.
Nick?
My brother.
He killed Charles.
What?
It was an accident.
He turned himself in.
That's why he didn't
show up for dinner.
He's in jail.
My little brother's in jail.
Wait a minute, now.
Just calm down, Wilbur.
I got to get a lawyer
and get him out.
He can't stay in jail.
He's not streetwise.
He could get killed in there.
How did you know
it was an accident?
I don't know.
I just thought...
I don't know.
You said that it was.
I got to find a lawyer.
What about you?
What about becoming
chief of police?
Five minutes ago, I wanted to be
chief of police...
more than anything
else in the world.
All the times
that he needed help...
I helped him because
I felt I had to.
Now I want to!
I don't care
if he did it or not.
He's my brother.
Screw the job.
Harry?
Yeah?
Honey, where have you
been all night?
At the lab, and then
at the police station.
What were you doing
at the police station?
Is there any coffee?
Yeah.
Anybody home?
In here.
What are they doing here?
I've called a family meeting.
What for?
Your front door was open.
So?
Do you want coffee?
Sure.
Please.
Don't move.
I'll make it.
This isn't going
to take long, I hope.
I've got two back-to-back
pap smears at : .
No, it's not.
I just want to wait...
until mother and dad get here
to explain.
I don't want to have
to say it twice.
Your front door is open.
Iris left it open.
What's the big news?
Sit down.
I've been working
with the police...
on Charles' case,
as you all probably know, and...
We've found a murder suspect.
You did?
Who was it?
A salesman.
What kind of a salesman
would kill Charles?
A blinds salesman.
How could a blind salesman...
No, he sold blinds, dad...
and he dropped them
on Charles' head.
He claims it was an accident.
Oh, lord!
How do you know all this?
He turned himself in, confessed.
He even apologized.
He confessed?
Yeah.
What about the suicide?
This guy said he panicked...
and set it up to look
like Charles killed himself.
Oh, my lord!
He said that?
Harry said he confessed.
That's what confessed means.
I knew it.
I knew my Charles would never
take his own life.
Marjorie, I've got to
talk to you alone!
Jeanine, not now.
My boyfriend's brother
is in jail.
Jeanine, I said not now!
He is in jail
for killing Charles!
Wait.
Wait.
What are you saying?
That your boyfriend's brother
killed my brother?
Wait a minute. Your boyfriend
is Nick's brother?
Nick? I didn't
say his name.
- How do you know his name?
- How do you know Nick?
I always thought
she was too sweet...
not to be hiding
something.
Wilbur was up
for chief of police, OK?
That's why Nick
couldn't go to the police.
How do you know Nick?
Nick is in jail.
He could be there for years.
Obviously where he belongs.
Marjorie, you got to help me.
Wilbur's a wreck.
I can't stand
to see him like this.
You love him, don't you?
Yeah, I do.
I really think
that you should leave.
Harry, I have something
to tell you...
privately.
What is it?
Harry, I need to talk
to you alone.
If you have something to say,
just say it now.
Harry, I need to talk
to you by yourself!
Just tell me!
I can't!
There should be no secrets
in this family!
God damn it, what is it?
I had an affair!
Harry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry from the bottom
of my soul.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Sorry is just not good enough
for my brother!
I knew it... from the day
he brought her home.
Harry... I wish
I could take it away.
I know how much
this hurts you.
Who was it?
I only slept with him once.
Just once.
But it...
It apparently made
quite an impact on him.
You were right about her.
Throw her out, Harry.
You don't have to
put up with this!
God damn it, Marjorie!
I'll kill him!
Harry, don't.
If I were you, Harry,
I'd kill both of them!
Let her go, son.
She's not worth it!
Who is he?
Harry, can't we talk
about this alone?
No! Who is he?
Who is he?
Was.
What does she mean "was"?
Are you telling me it's over?
Is that it?
He's out of your life now?
She'll do it again.
If they do it once,
they always do it a second time.
That god damn son of a bitch!
Who is he? Who is he?
Charles.
Charles is the man I slept with.
My brother Charles?
She slept with my Charles?
I don't believe it.
I thought you told me
Charles was dead.
He is dead!
That's disgusting!
No, no!
He died when we were doing...
I don't think
we should be hearing this.
Yes. Yes, we should.
But the note.
Charles left
that beautiful note.
I wrote the note.
You?
Why?
Because I didn't
want Harry to find out.
Because the second I did it...
I knew I'd made
a horrible mistake...
and I didn't want to lose him.
Of course you'd lose him,
you... slut!
Shut up, Iris!
Just shut up!
All of you! This is between
me and my wife!
You're one of us, son!
She isn't.
This concerns
all of us, Harry.
She isn't.
She's never been one of us.
Shut up!
Shut up. Shut up!
Now get the hell
out of my house!
Are you asking us
to leave your house?
Yes, mother.
Well!
I don't want to be here.
We're due at the hospital...
where we're wanted.
Iris!
Come on.
Marjorie, I'm so sorry.
Are you going to be OK?
I'll call you later.
Bye.
Harry...
can't you forgive me?
How many others were there
besides my brother?
None!
And the first guy
who comes along...
you do it to him to death?
Eight years!
Eight years of marriage,
I have been faithful.
How did you think...
How could you possibly think...
that you could keep this
hidden from me?
Were you waiting for some
special opportunity to tell me?
Like my birthday?
Do you think I haven't
had opportunities?
Because, boy, have I had...
There have been women
I've never even told you about.
They're everywhere.
The way they look at me...
in my waiting room,
outside the E.R.
Two years ago, at the colon
convention in Atlanta...
a blonde hematologist
put her room key in my hand.
Suite .
And I gave it back!
Was I stupid!
What are you doing?
What? You think
you're going to leave me?
I'm not going
to let you leave me.
I'm leaving you!
Harry did leave me.
The truth is,
it didn't matter who left whom.
I was alone,
and I was scared.
Marjorie.
My sister suggested
I see a doctor.
Maybe you ought to go
see a doctor, huh?
That was really
the wrong thing to say.
I was desperate
to talk to Harry...
to tell him the truth about
what I did and why I did it...
and how sorry I really was
and that I loved him.
I found myself
in a full-blown depression.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't stop
thinking about Harry.
I didn't know where he was.
Harry hadn't just
disappeared from my life...
but with a few deft turns
of a screwdriver...
he disappeared
from his family's life, too.
I used to worry a lot about
Nick, but I didn't have to.
His dream came true...
in the same room
where his nightmare began.
Mr. Diamond, I'm sorry.
But we haven't
been able to rent ...
since this scandal started.
Of course you haven't.
Would you want to sleep...
in a bed where a stiff slept?
No. It's god damn creepy.
Get the god damn door
open, you fool.
What the hell
is going on here?
Who the hell is that?
I don't know, Mr. Diamond.
Just what do you think
you're doing up there?
I was just getting my blinds...
Put up here.
I heard there was
a tragedy in the room...
and I thought that it might
freshen it up a bit.
What do you think?
You sold the Sheraton?
I told you I'd do it
if you gave me enough time.
Sit down.
You're having lunch with me!
Nick really did turn out
to be a top-notch salesman...
and I've got a house
full of blinds to prove it.
Wilbur became chief of police.
My sister found herself
in a relationship...
that lasted
way more than hours.
I knew it was serious...
when she moved her
-gallon tank into his house.
As for me, I couldn't control
my feelings anymore.
So I tried to contain
them on paper...
After I figured out
how to use a typewriter.
Six months passed before I
realized I hadn't lost my mind.
I never thought I would be able
to be alone and be OK...
but I was.
I am good!
When I finished writing,
I let Jeanine read it.
She loved it.
I love it!
This is so good!
She really loved it.
I wasn't sure anyone else
would like it the way she did...
but Jeanine was positive
it could get published...
so I just let her take care
of the details.
The tables
had really turned...
because now she was
giving me career advice.
I waited patiently
for some response to my work.
Finally, I got my first call.
Hello?
Hi.
Who's this?
It's me. Harry.
Oh!
Wow! You sound different.
I'm...
I'm older.
I had a birthday.
Yeah. I got you a card.
I didn't get it.
I didn't mail it.
Oh.
Listen, I read your thing.
What thing?
Your story.
You know..."Still Life
in Summit Bluff."
How did you get ahold of...
Jeanine thought
I should read it.
That little bitch.
Bitch?
You never swore.
I'm doing a lot of things
that I never did before.
I am, too.
By the way, I finally
took your advice.
You opened your own practice?
In Sausalito. I'm even
making house calls now.
That's great!
Yeah.
Harry?
Yeah?
What did you think of my story?
I loved it.
You did?
Yeah, I did,
especially that part...
where the idiot doctor
neglected his wife...
and drove her into the arms
of his cousin.
I mean, that part...
Marjorie...
Yeah?
I owe you an apology.
You owe me?
Yeah.
Harry, I betrayed you.
I had the affair.
I wasn't much of a husband.
I know, but I could have
said something.
I probably wouldn't
have heard you.
I guess it's just lucky
you finally wrote it.
Yeah. It's getting
terrific response.
I'm not surprised.
Who have you heard from?
You.
Marjorie, do you think...
that maybe
we could get together...
and talk about things?
I guess so.
When?
Soon.
Soon.
Can I call you?
Yeah, sure, if you want to.
OK, then... I'll call you.
OK.
Bye.
Bye.
Marjorie!
Harry?
You said I could call.
I like your beard.
Thanks.
You look like
you did in school.
So do you.
Can I come in?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Harry...
Yeah?
How's your heart?