Sixteen Candles Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Sixteen Candles script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the John Hughes movie with Molly Ringwald.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Sixteen Candles. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Sixteen Candles Script





[Radio Announcer]

It looks good.



On the northwest toll,

eastbound traffic is moving

nicely this morning...



from Beecham Road

down to River Road.



Westbound, there's now a   -car

backup at the Devon Avenue toll.



And on the northbound l-   

extension at Thorndale Avenue,



we had a spinout there.



And that car was blocking

the right-hand lane...



and also blocking the lane

that's coming off of the, uh,



eastbound Thorndale Avenue

entrance ramp...



leading to the northbound,

uh, l-    extension.



- This was causing a backup

to Irving Park. We have...

- [Paper Bangs Door]



[Alarm Blaring]



Come on, chop-chop.

We got relatives

invading this afternoon.



Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam!

Come on. Everybody up!



Oh, I think

I have a fever.



You don't have

a fever.



Shut your face.

Make me.



[Phone Ringing]


Mike hit me!



[Mike] You liar.

Mike, come on, pal.

We got a wedding tomorrow.



Try to cooperate,

will ya?

Dad, I didn't hit her.



I'd like to very much,

and I probably will later,

but gimme a break.



You know my method.

I don't hit her when

you're just down the hall.



Pick on someone

your own size.



Open this door.



Daddy, I'm the one

getting married.




Not until tomorrow. I've got

a mouthful of toothpaste.



I happen to have

a serious problem.






She got her period.

Should make for

an interesting honeymoon, huh?



- Where are you learning

that stuff?

- School.



Good. Gettin'

my money's worth.



[Radio Announcer]

They were fantastic. Just great.

What a great crowd.



And it was so much fun...

[Man] dlt's a good thing

you don't have busfare d



dlt would fall through the hole

in your pocket and you'd lose it d



dln the snow on the ground d



d You gotta walk into town

to find a job d



d You're trying to keep

your hands warm d




Chronologically, you're    today.






you're still   .







Nope. I look exactly the same

as I have since summer.



Utterly forgettable.



No, I didn't expect

to wake up transformed.



I just thought that turning   

would be so major...



that I'd wake up

with an improved mental state

that would show on my face.



All it shows is that I don't

have any sort of a tan left.




I better get downstairs.



My family's probably pissed off

I haven't let them wish me

happy birthday yet.



All right.

I'll see you at school.






You need four inches of bod

and a great birthday.



Where's my briefcase?


Where'd you leave it?



Don't be a smart-ass.

Okay, I'll be

a dumb-ass.




You already are.



Okay, where's Sam?


my briefcase?




Allow me, Brenda.

Hey, birth defect!




You missed breakfast again.




It wasn't my idea to give her

her own phone line.



[Sara, Mike Arguing]


Grab a doughnut.



It's small.

It's brown.

It's made of leather.



It has my initials on it.

And I believe... that's it.



[Car Horn Honking]

Don't forget the grandparents

are coming this afternoon.



Are we still having dinner

with the Rice Chex?

Rizczechs.  :   at the club.



You'd better learn their names.

As of tomorrow, they're family.



That's a lovely





When it comes

your turn to get married,

do me a favor. Elope.



Who'd marry her?

Mr. T.



I'm sorry, you'll have to

buy lunch today. I didn't

have time to fix your carrots.



She's only eating carrots

to increase the size

of her breasts.



Mister, you had better

shape up, or you will miss

your sister's wedding.






Now, don't give me

that pouty look of yours.



You can eat your carrots

when you get home.



That's it?

You don't have anything else

to say to me today?



What would you like me

to say, Sam?



Come on now, honey.

You're gonna miss the bus.



Have a good day.



I can't believe this.



They fucking

forgot my birthday.






I'm sure they didn't

forget your birthday.



They just didn't

remember it right away.

Same difference.



It's a drag

your sweet   's the day

before Ginny gets married.



But big deal.

They'll remember.

Oh, easy for you to say.



Did anyone ever forget

your birthday?

Come on, Sam.



Everything's getting shittier.

My family forgetting my birthday

just makes it more vivid.



What do you expect,

a breakfast birthday party?



No, but they could have

at least said "happy birthday."

It was just like any other day.



Why don't you remind them?



They'll feel some massive guilt.

It could be highly profitable.



I wouldn't stoop

to remind them.



Since I was about   

I've been looking forward

to my sweet   .



You know, a big party

and a band, with tons of people.

Tons of people.



And a big Trans Am

in the driveway

with a ribbon around it.



And some incredibly gorgeous

guy that you meet in France.



And you do it on a cloud

without getting pregnant

or herpes.



I don't need the cloud.

Just a pink Trans Am

and the guy, right?



A black one.

A black guy?



A black Trans Am.

A pink guy.




[Bell Ringing]


Oh, no.




D To those nice, nice nights d



dl remember always always d



dl got such a fright d



dSeeing them in my dark cupboard d



d With my great big cake d



- dlf they were me

If they were me d

- [Yawning]



DAnd I was you

And I was you d



dlf they were me

If they were me d



dAnd I was you

And I was you d



dlf they were me

and I was you d



d Would you have liked

a present too d



dHappy, happy birthday

in a hot bath d



d To those nice, nice nights d



dl remember always always d



dl got such a fright d



dSeeing them in my dark cupboard d



d With my great big cake d



dlf they were me

If they were me d



dAnd I was you

And I was you d



dlf they were me

If they were me d



dAnd I was you

And I was you d



dlf they were me and I was you d




D Would you have liked

a present too d



dHappy birthday

Happy birthday d



dHappy birthday

Happy birthday d



dHappy birthday

Happy birthday d



dHappy birthday

Happy birthday d




[Snoring Softly]



DHappy birthday

Happy birthday d



dHappy birthday

Happy birthday dd



You swear to God,

you don't have it?

I don't know anything about it.



Jennifer Woods

gave me a sex test

during child development.



And I was supposed to

do it and pass it to you

in independent study.




I'm totally screwed.

Did you put your name on it?



Hi. No, but it was

really embarrassing.



I had to name

who I'd do it with

if I ever did it.



Who'd you name?



Jake Ryan.

Jake Ryan? He doesn't

even know you exist.



Thank you. That's

a very nice thing to say.



I'm sorry.

ButJake Ryan?



He's a senior,

and he's taken.

I mean, really taken.



I know. It was

supposed to be my ideal.



He's ideal, for sure,

but forget it.



God, I hope whoever

got the note doesn't know

it was me who wrote it.



I'd shit twice and die.



Do you know

Samantha Baker?



Sophomore, right?



Yeah. What do

you think of her?



I don't.



Would you ever

go out with her?



Depends on how much

you paid me.



She's not ugly.



There's nothin'

there, man.



It's not ugly.

It's just... void.



You know what I mean?

There's somethin'

about her.



I do independent study

with her. I catch her

lookin' at me a lot.



It's kinda cool, the way

she's always lookin' at me.



Maybe she's retarded.



I'm bein' serious, okay?



She looks at me like

she's in love with me.




she's a child.




So what're you

gonna do with her?



She's obviously

too young

to party serious.



Maybe I'm interested

in more than a party.



Come on, Jake. You talk

like you're hard up.



You got Caroline.

Now she's a woman.



It's unbelievable.



I swear to God, Caroline Mulford

had to flunk about nine grades.




Truly makes me ill.




She's perfect.




impossible to cut up.

She's supposedly real sweet.



Brother's deaf, and everybody

in the world worships her.




And she's going with Jake.



Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.



My man.



Dd[Band Instruments

Practicing, Off-key]



[Kids chattering]



I loathe the bus.



[Noise Subsides]






There has to be a more

dignified mode of transportation.



I hope you get a car for

your birthday, and a license.




Let's not hold our breath.



[Space Guns Firing]

[Both Chuckle]




Score... a direct hit.




On second thought.



Dd[Off-key Instruments




Dd[Kazoos Playing Brahms's

"Hungarian Dance No.  "]



DHey dd




Move it.!



Call me, okay?

You call me first.

Tell me what happened at home.



I can tell you

right now. Nothing.



Will you quit feeling sorry

for yourself? It's bad

for your complexion!



Dd["Theme from Dragnet"]



How's it goin'?



How's what going?



You know, things,

life, whatnot.



Life is not whatnot,

and it's none of your business.



[Pages Ruffling]



Hmm. So you goin'

to the new faces

dance tonight, or...



That's also none

of your business.




Clears Throat]



Are you inhibited

about dancing in public?



I mean,

you don't have to dance.



Maybe you could just stand

there with me and my dudes

and just be you, and... - 



Sounds major.




So, I mean,

what's the story?

I mean, you got a guy, or...



Yes, three big ones,

and they lust wimp blood.



So quit bugging me,

or I'll sic them

all over your weenie ass.



You know, I'm getting

input here that I'm reading

as relatively hostile.



I mean, it's just...

Go to hell.



Very hostile.



Come on,

what's the problem here?

I'm a boy, you're a girl.



Is there anything wrong with me

tryin' to put together some kind

of relationship between us?



Look, I know you have to go.

Just answer one question.



Yes, you're

a total fag.




That's not the question.

[Brakes Squealing]



Am I turning you on?



[Door Squeaking]




It's encouraging.



Very encouraging.

Yeah, uh-huh.



You know, a girl with a hat

is just so... Whew.



So vogue.

Uh, y-yeah.






Dd["Theme From

The Twilight Zone" ]



Where are my blue socks,




You mean you didn't pack them?

Oh, not again, Howard.



Can't I trust you

to do anything?



Do you expect me to do

all the packing?



Well, at least

I brought this for you. It...









Oh, look.



- Hi!

- Hi!



Oh, God.




Oh, sweetheart!



My goodness, are you

a sight for sore eyes.





Oh, good!



Just look. How are you,

my little lamb chop?




I'm fine, Grandpa.



- How are you guys?

- Oh, pretty good. Of course,

I get lower back pain.



Oh, my corns are killing me.

My arthritis in my fingers

bothers me quite a bit...



So are you, uh...

You're sleeping up here?







Your grandfather Fred

jumped our claim on Sara's room.

So here we are up here.



Well, I haven't seen you in a while.

Do I look any older today?



Oh, no, no.

I wouldn't say so.

Do you think so?




No. Oh, I hope

it isn't cold tomorrow.



You know Ginny.



It's not gonna be cold.

She'll refuse to wear a coat

over her wedding dress.



If she does,

you mustn't bug her...

I'm not gonna bug her...



I'm gonna go set

myself up in Mike's room.

So I'll see you guys later.



- [Dorothy]

Okay, sweetheart.

- Look, there she goes.



Your grandpa and I

are looking forward to

a nice, long visit with you.





We certainly are.




See you a little later, darling.

We've got a lot to...




I swear to God,

this has got to be a joke.



Grandparents forgetting

a birthday?



They live for that shit.

[Toilet Flushing]



D Put my arms around you dd



Well, well, if it isn't

Sammy Baker...



Davis, Junior.




Hi, Grandpa.

Oh, I've got one

for ya.



Knock, knock.

Who's there?




Who, who?



Helen, we've got an owl

out here in the hall.




Oh, Fred, Fred,

leave her alone.



You'll make her


Oh, come on, Helen.



Oh, Sam, let me

look at you.






Fred, she's gotten

her boobies.



[Fred chortling]

I'd better go get

my magnifying glass.



Oh, and they are

so perky!




I can't believe my grandmother

actually felt me up.



[Gong clangs]



What's happenin',

hot stuff?



His name is

Long Duk Dong.

[Gong clangs]




Long Duk Dong.



He came down with

Grandma and Grandpa Baker.



He's an exchange student

that's living with them.



Yeah, well, he's totally bizarre.

He is not.



He is a very

sweet boy.



I just hope you burn the sheets

and mattresses after he leaves.



I don't suppose it makes

any difference to you,



but there's

a very weird Chinese guy

up in Mike's room.



Ginny dumped Rudy.

He's her new fiancee.




Mike, stop it.



Sam, honey,

do you think you could help

the grandmothers with supper?



Dad and I have to go to the club

for dinner with the Rice Chex.




Oh. Rizczechs.



Uh, do you think

that there's any reason...



that I should

possibly stay home tonight?



Well, it might be nice

if you'd visit...



with your grandparents

and Long Duk Dong.




[Gong clangs]



The weird Chinese guy

in Mike's room.




- I think I have a dance to go to.

- Well, that's okay.



Oh, can you remember

to turn off the stove in    minutes?



I can remember lots of things.






[Sighing] This is the single

worst day of my entire life.



What the hell

are you bitchin' about?



I gotta sleep

under some Chinaman

named after a duck's dork.



Well, where am I sleeping?



Sofa City, sweetheart.



Dd [Heavy Metal]



Do you think Grandpa Fred's

going to embarrass me?



I don't know why not.

He does to everyone else.



He already asked me if Rudy

was the oily variety bohunk.



Is he?

Don't be cute.



I really love Rudy.



And he is totally

enamored of me.



I mean, I've had men

who've loved me before,



but not for six months

in a row.



I think I'm in love.



So how long have you been

in love, hmm?



Well, it hasn't

really happened yet.



So what's the deal?



I'm not sure

that he knows I exist.



Sam, I really don't

have time for this.




Well, I'm sorry.



I always listen to you talk

about your boyfriends.



Darling, is something

bothering you?



You're really acting like...

an asshole.



And I think

I know what it is.



I think you're jealous

that I'm getting married...



and that I'm getting

all the attention, hmm?




You know, everybody

in this family...



has just gone

totally Outer Limits.



No, Sam.



I think you're just being

a little selfish and immature.




Oh, yes. That's it.



That's exactly it.







You make someone a bridesmaid,

and they shit all over you.



[Gong clangs]



Very clever dinner.



Appetizing food fit neatly

into interesting round pie.



- It's a quiche.

- Hmm. How do you spell?



Well, you don't spell it, son.

You eat it. [Guffawing]



Dong has only been in

our country a short time, Fred.



- I think we could all

help him assimilate.

- [Chortling] Oh.




Long Duk Dong is

about your age, Sam.



You two should have

a lot to chat about.



I love, uh, visiting

with Grandma and Grandpa...



and writing letters

to parents...



and pushing

lawn-mowing machine...



so Grandpa's hyena

don't get disturbed.



- Hernia!

- [Fred chortling]



Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeedy.



He does the dishes

and helps with the laundry.

You betcha.



[All chuckling]

May I be excused?



Where are you going?



I have a dance to go to...

at school.



It's a very important dance.



Uh, we're being graded on it...

for gym.



Wait a minute.

I have a wonderful idea.



Would you like to go

to the dance with Sam?



[Gong clangs]






[Arguing, Indistinct]



I wonder ifJake's here.



I don't think it's healthy

to get jacked about some guy

that isn't a thing yet.



Yeah, when you don't have

anything, you don't have

anything to lose, right?



That's a cheerful thought.



Let's go make

ourselves available.



Dd["Peter Gunn"]



[Kids chattering]



That's the one, dude.

Scope it out.



She doesn't look

like a freshman.

Sophomore, dude. Sophomore.



Fully aged sophomore meat.



[Sonar Pinging]



We do the bus


You talk to her?



Talk? Dude, I have

a relationship with her.

Get out.



Figure to, like,




You are such a liar.



We'll see about that,

my man.



By night's end, I predict

me and her will interface.



Dd[Slow, Romantic]



DAhh d



dAhh d



dl know this d



dMuch is true d



dAhh d



dl know this... dd

Check it out,




Pretty intense, huh?


To the max. Over.



- [Gasping]

- All right.



Dd[New Wave Rock]

I knew you'd come around.







Crank that, sister!

D Whoa d



Very hot. Very hot.



This night... This night

is happenin'.



D Whoa, whoa, whoa dd



I'm blowing your mind,

aren't I?



I'm just getting warmed up.




[Loud Flatulent Noise]



Ow. Excuse me.



Dd[continues In Distance]






Way to go, dick-face.

She took off.



Don't spaz out. Okay, Wease?

The situation'll come on-line.



Yeah? I'll bet you

a dozen floppy disks

you don't even get tit.



You got a bet, scumbag.

I'll get it all.



Take off.

You wouldn't be able

to prove it anyway.



"A," don't hit me.



Secondly, what kind

of proof do you want?







No way. I can just see

the thing getting duped

a thousand times...



and winding up on cable




Try again.







No problem,





Girls' underpants.

D One, two d



dAnd your girlfriend

sweet little    d




DShe's got her layered hair

and her flaredjeans d



d You know what that means

She's just a little queen d



dShe shares your London flat d



dShe thinks that London's

where it's at d



dAlthough it stinks and when it rains

you wear your hat d



dAnd your plum-colored PVc

wet-look maxi mac d



d You tie your ginger hair

back in a bun d

[Nose Blowing]



D You're the ugliest creature

under the sun d






So what's your name?






What's your first name?






What's your middle name?






I bet all the boys chase you

plenty in the school, huh?



Nobody's caught me yet.



Hmm. I betcha you big teaser, huh?




No. I run the   

in five flat.







Oh, I'm really sorry, man.



Whatever I did was an accid...

l-l-I didn't mean to...






You... You were dancin'

with a girl?



Oh, man, I'm really...

I'm really sorry, man.



I must've been on drugs

five minutes ago.

Do you know her?



She grabbed me, guy.

I'm totally innocent.

Is she yours?




What do you know

about her?




She has smallish tits.

Decent voice.



Smells pretty good.

She drives me crazy.



Did she come here

with you?



No, no.

But if it's okay with my dad,

she's goin' home with me.



Excuse me.



[Girls Giggling]



[Girl # ]

Do you guys want

to blow off this dance?



- [Caroline] Yes.

- [Girl # ] I am bored

to the brink of insanity.



- [Girl # ] And go where?

- Jake's parent's aren't home.

We can do his house.



- How's it goin'?

- Fine.




Let's party light. Jake's paranoid

about his house getting trashed.



[Girl # ]




D One single moment

The hours I spend d



dd[continues, Indistinct]










All right.



Just tryin' to get

a little bit of water.









Yes, I'm back.



So I smell.



It's my shaving cream.



You wanna feel

a real clean, close shave?

I'll pass.



Couldn't find

anyone else to bug, huh?



Come on.

You know you're the one

I want to bug, huh?



This is my friend, Randy.

And that's Jimmy Montrose.



Howdy, dude.

This is Farmer Fred.




Oh, I'm sorry. This is Farmer Ted.



I'm not really a farmer.

I'm a freshman.



Geek, can I be

honest with you?



Not if you're gonna

insult me.




[All Laughing]






- Get the hell outta here.

- Nice! Nice manners, babe!



She's totally serious,







You wanna split

with me? L...



I don't know.

You know, my mom,

I can't handle this.



She tells me, "You want somethin',

you gotta ask for it."



I mean, I'm not

the kinda guy...



It's embarrassing for me.

I don't know. I just...



It's just...






[Footsteps Approaching]



[Crashing, Rattling]



[Rattling continues]



I'm really sorry

about what happened

in the gym.



L-I had no idea

you couldn't dance.



[Metal clattering]



What a decent

night, huh?

It's my birthday.



[Imitating Guitar]

D You say it's your birthday d



d It's my birthday too dd



dd [Imitating Guitar]

Don't do that, okay?



D Hey, Jude dd

Just stop it, okay?



I mean, it's really been

a shitty birthday for me.



No offense, but I don't need

a serenade right how.



What's wrong? You didn't

get anything good, or...



I didn't get shit.

Not even a "happy birthday."



My whole family

just sort of blew it off.



I'd freak if my family

forgot my birthday.

It's a brand-new year.



I'm   . Everything

should be platinum.



I should be happy, right? Right?




Well, I can't get happy.



It is physically impossible

for me to get happy.



Would you feel better if you

knew one of my secrets, or...



Don't gross me out.



No, we're not talking

gross here.



No. It's...

It's just embarrassing.



[Exhaling] This information

cannot leave this room, okay?



It would devastate

my reputation as a dude.



No problem.



[Clears Throat]



I've never bagged a babe.



I'm not a stud.






I got the rep

in sixth grade.



And it, like,

it stuck with me.



I'm still on hold.



Look, I'd appreciate

you not laughing here, okay?




I'm sorry.



That's not what I meant.



I meant...



Hey, time out,


[Horn Honking]






Pardon me.



It's okay.



I meant that it's okay

that you did it once,



but I didn't mean

for you to do it again!



I'm sorry.







You know,

just now I really felt

how much you like me.



You're probably zoning in

on my brain waves or something.



Well, not really.

I felt it on my leg.



Come on.

I don't want to see it!






Sorry if I embarrassed you.



I'm not embarrassed.



Fresh breath's a priority in my life.



I don't want

to hurt your feelings,



'cause it's really human of you

to listen to my bullshit.



I care about it, really.

I mean...



I know I came on kinda like

a poozer on the bus tonight

and everything.



But that's just so

my friends won't think,

you know, I'm a jerk.



But they're all pretty much

jerks, though, aren't they?



Yeah, but the thing is,

I'm kinda like the leader.



Kinda like the king

of the dipshits.



Well, that's pretty cool.

Hey, but a lot can happen

over a year.



I mean, you could

come back next fall

as a completely normal person.







Would it be totally

off the wall if...



if I asked if I could

have sex with you?



Yeah, well, you askin' me is not

as off the wall as why I won't.



- V.D.?

- [Laughing] No.



I'm sorta saving myself.



It's really stupid.

He doesn't even know I exist.









Jake Ryan.



You likeJake?




Jake's my boy!



I just talked toJake

in the gym.



He asked me

about you.

Did not!



He did too. He did!

He asked me what you were like.



Oh, my... Oh! If you're lying,

I'll beat the crap outta you.

I'm not lying.



Oh, my God!

What should I do?

Should I go up to him?



Should I say, "Hi, Jake,

I'm Samantha"? Maybe

I should let him come to me.



This is not my department.

But what if I let him

come to me, and he forgets?



What if he changes

his mind? Then I'm

totally screwed, right?



Apparently so.




What would you do

if you were me?



I'm a gamblin' man

by nature.



And, um,

I'd go for it.



This is so strange.

But I think I will.

Oh, you're the best.



- Wait, um...

- What?



Do you know anything

about floppy disks?



We'll talk about this

on the bus, okay?

The thing is, I got a problem.



Floppy disks

are pretty expensive.



I made a bet

with my friends,

the... the dipshits.






I bet them

that I'd do it with you.



This was before I knew you. I can

get proof without getting physical.






Can I borrow your underpants

for ten minutes?



DHope you're feelin'd



d Time d






I think it's time to blow this

thing off and go to your house.




I told Tracy and Robin

and those guys to come

to your parents' house, okay?



I told 'em

not to tell anybody.



God, I love it when

your parents are out of town,



I fantasize

that I'm your wife,



and we're the richest,

most popular adults in town.



I owe all my great weekends

to you.



What's your problem?




You've been acting

weird all night.

Are you screwing around?



Me? Are you crazy?



I don't know, Jake.



I'm getting strange signals.

Well, they're

not comin' from me.



Everything's fine.

Don't have a cow.






Just remember one thing.



I can name    guys

who'd kill to love me.



Is that a threat?

It's a fact,




Come on. Before we get

in a big, wicked fight,

let's get outta here, huh?



Hi, Jake. I'm Samantha.

How's it goin'?



Do you got a cigarette?



Jake, this may sound

incredibly dumb,



but I love you,

and I'll do anything

to make you love me.



I love your shirt.



Jake, you're not

gonna believe this,



but I had this

very bizarre dream,

and you were in it.




For heaven's sake.!

Get in there and dance.!



I can't.

They won't like me!

I'm not gonna tell you again!



Just act like a man!

I wanna go home.!

I wanna be with you guys.!







D You-ou are my desire d



d You... You are my desire d



d You-ou are my desire d



d Oh, baby, you, you, you

you are my desire d



d Got to find you

Know you're out there d




I can't believe I'm such a jerk.




He smiles at me,

and I don't say anything.



And I can't believe

I gave my panties to a geek.



What year are you?




Gimme a buck.



Get in.



[All Chattering]



Shut up!

[Chatter Stops]







go for it.



[All Gasping]



[Gong clangs]



[Tires Screeching]



Hey, uh, listen, uh,



I wanna thank you for,

uh, loanin' me the Donger.



[Car Horns Honking]



He's really bitchin'.




That's okay.

You guys make a great couple.



I never been so happy

in my whole life.

You maniac!



[Both Giggling]



Now I have a place

to put my hand.




So basically, Jimmy,

my business is

video game arcades,




cigarette machines...




And trucking.



I dabble a little bit

in personal loans and politics.



Dd["Love Theme

From The Godfather" ]



Very nice.



I think that all

that really matters is that

the kids are happy together.



Just as long as

my beautiful boy remembers...



that marrying this one

means he's out of the

girl of the month club.



- Hey, wait a minute.

I can still look.

- [Laughing, Snorting]



I just can't touch.




Oh, sensitive, uh?





- Cheers.

- Right on.




Ahh! You do shots?



Come on, wolf it.







[Brakes Squealing]



Uh, good night, Marlene.

See you later, Dong.



Sammy, tell Grandpa

not to wait up.

Let's go boogie.



- Sure.

- [Tires Screeching]



Donger's here for five hours,

and he's got somebody.



I live here my whole life,

and I'm like a disease.




[Tires Screeching]






- D We're hangin'out

in Vinnie's car d

- [Chattering]



D We like

the really loud guitar d



dDon't ever seem

to get too far d



dSpend all our money

in a bar d



[Chattering, Shouting]




[Slurred Voice]




I'd like you to meet

my boyfriend Jake.



Jake, this is... everybody.




Take it off.



All right, whose is this?



You're such a poop.






[Brakes Squealing]

[People Screaming]






[Metal clattering]



DFarmerJohn d




Dl'm in love

with your daughter d






[Girl Panting]

Oh, no.

Easy, easy, easy.



Dd[Loud Rock]

[Kids chattering, Laughing]



[Headgear Beeping]

Shit, Ted, that's my mom.

I gotta get home.



Change your frequency.

Don't be such a wimp!



[People Laughing,

chattering Loudly]



Take those ridiculous things

off, okay?



Will you guys grow up?



Ted, won't we get

pounded if we go

to a senior party?



Wease, we got $  

and we got a pair

of girl's underpants.



We're safe as kittens.




This is a great social

opportunity for us.



Come on!



Do not embarrass me,


For sure, we won't.



Will you fix your hair,


I already did.



Wease, close your barn,

all right?






And be polite

to his parents.

Okay. Great.






[Gong clangs]



Hey, come on in and

party hearty, dude persons.




[Laughing crazily]



He's from out of town,

okay? He speaks English,




Don't be such faggots!

Man, shut up.



Kidding. Sorry.

[Dong continues Laughing]



Think we're gonna die?






[Tones Beeping]






[Ringing Continues]

Did you put the cat out?



We don't have a cat.



Come on, damn it.








Aw, eat me.



[Click, Dial Tone]

Who is it?



Well, what

did they want?






Dd[Loud Rock]



[Kids chattering]











Very nice!

We're five minutes in...



I'm at a loss.



Real smooth, Cliff.






[Gong clangs]




I've never been out

with a boy before.



Oh, me neither.











Where are you, Jake?



Jakey, have you

stopped loving me?



Leave me alone.



What? I'm sorry,

I don't do that.



Yes, you do.

I know.



Come on.


Trace. You guys.




Would you help me,




Oh, shit!

Come on, you guys.

I'm your prom queen.




Trace, you guys,

I'm serious.



Come on. I need help.




I need help too.



What is the problem?

Several things.






Okay. We'll help you.




Don't go away,

Caroline, baby.










Listen, I know

you're there. I can

hear you breathing.



Yes, hello, sir. Um...



Are you the little bugger

that's been calling up...



and then hanging up?



Would it be possible

to tell me if there

is a Samantha Baker there?



And if so, sir, may I

converse with her briefly?



Yes, it is.

And no, you may not.



Might I leave a message, sir?



He wants to leave

a message for Sam.



Here, give me that phone.



Now, you listen to me,




God did not put me

on this earth to be awakened

by filthy suggestions...



from a foul-mouthed hooligan

like you.



And as for our granddaughter,

I'm sure she has more

than enough sense...



to stay clear of the likes

of you!



Now, good night

and good-bye!



[Dial Tone Humming]



That was great.




Sam's lucky she has us,





Even if she doesn't

appreciate us.



Do you promise you

won't get mad?

No, I love you.





close your eyes.











My God.



[Kids clapping]


That was wonderful.!



I don't know how

to thank you enough.



My pleasure.



[Gong clangs]

[Dong Yelping]




My God.!




I hope they have insurance.

The party's over.



[Cans clattering]



[Tape Squeaking,

Record Skipping]



[Mouthing Words]



What a disaster.



[Breathing Heavily]



[Muffled Moaning]














Hi, kiddo.



What's wrong?


Everything's fine.



I was just upstairs,

and I couldn't sleep.



I feel like a real jerk,




We forgot your birthday.



I bet you're really

P.O. 'd, huh?



No, it's okay.

I'm not really all

that upset anymore.



This wedding is really turning

this entire house inside out.



And I just came down to tell you

that we did remember.



Thanks, Dad.



Happy birthday.






Is something else wrong?



No, why?



I don't know, I just get

the feeling that something's

bothering you.



Something other than

your birthday.



No, I'm fine. Really.



I think I know what it is.



It has to do

with a certain guy?



I know, honey.

I know.



We're all upset

that Ginny's

marrying a bohunk.



What's the matter?




I meantJake.







Wait a minute. I thought

she said his name was Rudy.

Forget it.



Forget what?

Who's Jake?



He's a boy, Daddy. It's nothing.



Okay? Just forget it, please.



Come on, Sam.

We're not communicating.




It's extremely

embarrassing, okay?



What's embarrassing?



Sitting in the dark

with your dad, telling him

about your love life.



I'm afraid you lost me

again, Sam.



Jake is a senior,

and he's beautiful

and perfect.



I like him a real lot,

and he doesn't like me.







And he's got this

incredible girlfriend.



I'm just this ridiculous dork

that's following him around

like a puppy.



Why do you think

you're a dork?



I don't think you're a dork.

I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.



- Mike thinks I'm a dork.

- Mike is a dork.




But so am I.



Well, if it's any consolation,

I love you.



And if this guy can't see in you

all the beautiful and wonderful

things that I see,



then he's got the problem.



I know. It just hurts.



That's why they call them crushes.



If they were easy,

they'd call 'em something else.




But if I were Ginny,



I'd have this guy

crawling on his knees.



Well, let me tell you something

about Ginny.



Now, I love her

as much as I love you.

But she's a different person.



Sometimes I worry about her.



When you're given things

kind of easily,



you don't always

appreciate them.



With you, I'm not worried.



When it happens to you,

Samantha, it'll be forever.



Well, I don't think

I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel

this little talk has helped you.



So would you be a sport

and lie to me?




Yeah, sure, Daddy.




Good night, sweetheart.

Good night.



Oh, one more thing,







When you do find the right guy,

don't let him boss you around.



Make sure he knows

you wear the pants

in the family.



These are really hers?




How did you get 'em?



She gave 'em to me.



Did you...

No! No, Jake.



She's crying for you.



I told her you asked

about her. Right?

The girl freaked.



She had a hissy. She thinks

you're the cat's meow.





She came up to me

in the gym tonight.



She looked at me

like I was a leper.



Girls'll do that, Jake.



You see, they know guys are,

like, in perpetual heat, right?



They know this shit.

And they enjoy pumping us up.



It's pure power politics,

I'm tellin' you.



I thought she hated

my guts.



Games, Jake.

Silly, torturous games.



You know how many times a week

I go without lunch because some

bitch borrows my lunch money?



Any halfway decent girl

can rob me blind!



Because I'm too torqued up

to say no.



It's heinous,

I'm telling you.



You better not be

dickin' me around.



It'd be a major downer

to try and get together...



and find out she really does

think I'm a slime.



Jake, would I dick you?



Let me put it to you this way.



What happens to me

if I dick you?




I'd kick your ass.



Right. So why would I lie?



But I feel compelled

to mention, Jake,



if all you want is a piece

of ass, I mean,



I'll either do it myself,

or get someone bigger than me,



to kick your ass.



I mean, not many girls in contemporary

American society today...



would give their underwear

to help a geek like me.



I can get a piece of ass

anytime I want.



Shit, I got Caroline

in my bedroom right now,

passed out cold.



I could violate her

ten different ways

if I wanted to.



What are you

waiting for?

I don't know.



She's beautiful,

and she's built

and all that.




I'm just not

interested anymore.



Does that really matter, guy?

Yeah, it matters.



She's totally insensitive.

Look what she did

to my house.



She doesn't know shit

about love.



Only thing she cares

about is partying.



I want a serious girlfriend.



Somebody I can love,

that's gonna love me back.



Is that psycho?




That's beautiful, Jake.



I think a ton of guys

feel the same way as you do.




Yeah. It's just they don't...

They don't have the balls

to admit it.



You know? They're just...

They're wimps.



Samantha's, uh...

She's really special,

you know?



I'll make a deal with you.



Let me keep these. I'll

let you take Caroline home.



But you gotta make sure she

gets home. You can't leave her

in some parking lot somewhere.






Jake, I'm only a freshman.



So? She's so blitzed, she

won't know the difference.



Jake, I don't have a car.

You can take mine.



Jake, I don't have a license.

I trust you.



Jake, I'd love to.

I can't. Want a pretzel?



You sure?







I got her.

You got her?






Is this, uh, your car,


No, this is my dad's car.



You said you couldn't

drive a stick.



This is a mother...



This is a Rolls-Royce,





So! So.



I heard the grill alone

cost five grand on this.



Five grand!

I don't have five grand.



Then don't hit anything.

Ahh, don't

hit anything.



Do you want to do this

or not?









Who the hell?

Who does he...






Mm-hmm. Mmm.



Who's he?

That's me.



Who are you?

I'm him.










She's totally gone.

Have fun.






[Engine Starts]



Jake, is your dad

a big man, or...

About  ' ".



Very nice.




[Brakes Screech]








[Brakes Screech]

















DHey, sucker d



[Female Singers]

D What the hell's got into you d



[Dong Laughing]



DHey, sucker dd






Oh, sexy girlfriend.







[Cans clatter]



[Can clatters]



[Doors Slam]



Think they liked us?






Go, darling geek!



Uh, could we turn

that music down?

I'm a first-time driver.



I need to concentrate.

[Horn Honks]



Excuse me!

Stop that.




Looks like rain.

Better put the top up!



Will you stop that?

You can get us in a lot

of trouble doin' that!



This is a car!

[Brakes Squeal]



It hasn't got

Triple A on it.



Chugalug, Pooh bear.




I can't believe

you're so popular,

acting like this.



[Bottle crashing]

[Phone Ringing]







Oh, uh, I don't know.

I'll have to look.



Mr. Ryan, are you in here?

He's not... Mr. Ryan's

not in right now.



My Christmas present

to you!



Thank you.

No. Really.




See? See?




Thank you.




Now we're both

on the pill!






You gave me a

birth control pill?



You have any idea

what that'll do

to a guy my age?



I know exactly what it'll do

to a girl my age.



"Just climb in the car!"




It makes it okay to be

super careless.

Wait, wait!



[Horn Honking]






Look, we're not going

any further until you

stop these childish antics.



Don't be such a poop.



Huh. On second thought.



I love you.



This is getting good.



Dd["Peter Gunn"]






[Dog Barking]



Ted, what the hell

are you doing?



Are those humongous jocks




[Headgear Beeping]



Do you have any film

in your camera?




Take those ridiculous

things off.

[Beeping Stops]



Do you have any film

in your camera?




Okay. Go get it

and bring it outside.

Okay? Right out front.



What for?

Look, just get it

and come on out front, okay?




It's better.




It's better! All right?

Just get it and come outside.




Female extraterrestrial?



It's better than...




Better than female




How do you tell

if it's a female?

'Cause it's got tits.



What makes 'em different

than regular tits?



They got four.

Just get the camera.

It's in the closet.



- Don't go in the closet.

- [Crash]



[Dog Barking]



Such assholes.

I can't believe it.



You should check that out.

Why do you always

have to argue?



I'm not arguing. I am not!

I am not!

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.



Every time I do something,

bitch, bitch, bitch.

Bitch is a female dog.



I am not even.

What's that supposed

to mean?







Ted, that's

a Rolls-Royce.



Ted, that's the prom queen.

You got two girls

in one night.



I told you dudes

I was hot.

Hot? You're a legend!



Will you shut up?

People around here work,

all right?



Will you hurry it up?

I'm breaking, like,

   major laws here.



You know, Ted,

nobody's gonna

believe you.



No way.



That, my friends,

is what the pictures

are for. Okay?



Just get that thing




- Are you guys ready?

- Wait, hold on.



Put it down just a bit.

You guys know what

you're doing here?



All right,

just a minute.



How's this look?

Very nice.



Wait, black and white. It would

capture the moment so nicely.




Will you take

the picture already?



You're pissin' me off,

I'm tellin' ya.



Smile, pumpkin.


Oh! Pictures!






Dd["Wedding March,"








Marlene! Ohh!



Chill out, boy.



Mike, honey.

Go get dressed.



I can't believe it.

Ginny's not in the shower.



I wouldn't go in there.

Grandpa Fred was in there

for a half an hour.



It's totally polluted.

Get dressed.



It's your nose.



They never listen.



What was he wearing?

Well, he would have...



He was wearing a red argyle

sweater and tan trousers.



Mmm. And red shoes.




No, he's not retarded.



Now, what can I do to help?

Well, you could finish

the French toast.






I'll, uh... I'll just open

the doughnuts.



Good thinking.

Oops. Don't wanna

lose the nails.



I'll just wait till I

hear from you, then.

Voila. Breakfast is ready.



Oh, Sam.



Sam, I am so sorry

about your birthday.



It's okay.

I'll recover.



It's important to you.



And yesterday morning,

you were trying to tell me.



It's okay, Mom.




These things

sometimes happen.



Oh, honey, I just

feel miserable.



You'll feel better.



Who died?






Is there something

you want to say to your sister?



What? Are you kidding?

Where should I start?



I mean about her birthday.



It was yesterday.

We all forgot.







Deep down,

he's really sorry.




No, he's not.



I have to go to this

wedding and look like

Miss Pretty Princess...



in this dipshit's

bridesmaid's dress.



I don't have one-tenth

of the bod to fill

the stupid bust up.



So what?

Should I just waste myself

and spare the agony?



I was gonna tell you something,

but maybe I shouldn't.

It's pretty bad.



You may as well.

Nothing could shock me





Last night at the dance,



my little brother paid a buck

to see your underwear.






Geez! I hate that

rock 'n' roll rubbish!



Well, I'm afraid it's

here to stay, Howie.






Sam, you're dragging

your dress, honey. Pick it up.



Come on, Ginny.

Hurry up, Susie.

Why is she so slow?



Do not fuss at your sister.

It's her wedding day.

Big deal.



All right, is everybody in? Oh, dear.

Are you all right, Ginny?



[Indistinct Chattering]

Come on, everybody.



Get in the car, please.

We're late already.



[All Chattering At Once]



Helen, will you get in the car?

I don't know what

they're fussing about.



Helen, get in the car!



[Chattering Continues]




Hey, Howard, there's

your Chinaman.




Thanks, Fred.

Bye, Dong.



What the...

What's he doin'

on the ground there?




What happened?



Hold a mirror

in front of his mouth.

Howard! He's dead!



Aw, shit.

I pay seven grand for a wedding,

I'll never see it!



Oh, watch your language,

Mr. Dirty Mouth.



Oh, thank God,

he is still warm.

Oh, good.



Here, l-I'll help you.

Roll him over.



[Everyone Groans]





Canine cologne.



Oh, no more yankee

my wankee.



The Donger need food!





Hell, he's three sheets to the wind!



He's drunk

as a skunk!

Shut up, Fred. Shut up.






[Dong Laughing]




Dong, Grandpa

is talking to you.



Dong.! Where is my





[Continues Laughing]



[Imitating Race Car]



[Imitating crash]




Big lake.






- Why, you

little scuzzbag!

- [Yelps]



[Church Bells chiming]



Oh, my.

Is everything all right?



I was afraid you'd

had an accident.



I wish.

Her monthly bill

came early.




Well, she's fine.



Uh, she just took

a muscle relaxer.



Try four.



You didn't.




Dd["Theme From Dragnet" ]



Damn, Mom!

I've got my headgear on.

Will you wake up?



Where the hell am I?



I'll, uh, tell you

where you are, if you'll

tell me who you are.



Farmer Ted.

You're in the parking lot across

the street from my church.



You own a church?



What happened?

I have no idea.



Did I do that

to your hair?



At this point,

anything is possible.



Um, l... Uh...



Did, um...



Did we, uh...




I'm pretty sure.



Um, excuse me,

but do you...



Do you know if...

Um, did I enjoy it?



Am I nuts?

Of course I enjoyed it.



I mean, um... What I

meant was, uh, did you?






You know, I have this

weird feeling I did.







Here, Ginny.

Drink this.



Come on.














Do I feel funky!




[Doorbell Rings]






Okay. I'm comin'.




Geez, this place

is so confusing.









Go away!

I call F.I.B.!

I call police!



Go away.!

Open the door.



No way, Jose!

Open the door.



You beat up my face!

You grabbed my nuts.



[Gong clangs]



Is that you?

Yeah. That me.



Oh, I'm so sorry.



I thought you

my new... new-style

American girlfriend.



Forget it, man.

Just get Samantha,

all right?



She not here.

Don't jerk me around, man.

Where is she?



- She got married.

- What?



She at the church.

She getting married

to oily bohunk.








Yeah. Married.







Married.! Geez.






Are you gonna

be all right,




It's gonna be

a piece of cake, Bren.



Um, Ginny,

I'm really happy for you.



I'm sorry for being

kind of a jerk lately.



That's really lovely, Sam.



I know you'll have

a great marriage.



- [Thud]

- [Brenda Shouting]




[Guests Murmuring]



- Holy shit!

- She just had a cramp.



[Jim] I don't care

what she's got.! Look at her.!

[Brenda] Will you be quiet?



We don't want to announce

that she has her period.!

[Guests Gasp]



I guess those guys who thought

we had to get married feel

pretty stupid, huh, Padre?






Dd[Organ: "Wedding March"]



D Here comes the bride d



dBig, fat and wide dd



dd[Organist Humming Along,







Loved the teapot.




Excuse me.



Could you move over?




Are you okay?

I gotta rest.



Come on.

Here we go.

What's the matter?



Here comes

the bride.



[Fabric Ripping]







I got it.

I got it!



[Ginny Sighs]




I know you.



Can't see

with this thing on.






DBoom, bah-boom d

I never went out

with a freshman.



DBah-boom, bah-boom d

Not even when I

was a freshman.



Me either.

You were pretty crazy.



DBah, bah, bah-boom d

I was?



Yeah. You know

what I like best?



My clean, close shave?




D clean, close shave

Ahh d

Waking up in your arms.



DAh d

These things?



DBoom, boom-boom, boom d



d Ooh dd











Holy shit.



Stay here, okay?

Oh, my God.



I'm dead.



[Phone Ringing]





Ted. You never called us back.



What happened?

Look, Wease. I told

you not to call me here.



Ted, we're dying.

What happened?



You wanna know what

happened? Buy the book.







I'm really sorry

about gettin' you mixed up

with that guy.



Oh, it's okay.



He wasn't too terrible.






I'm really sorry

about last night.



The party.



Lots of things.



You know, neither one

of us is gonna die...



if it doesn't happen

for us.



That's true.



I just don't know

right now.



But I'm covered, okay?

L... I won't get hurt.






I'll leave it up to you.






Dd[Bells Tolling]



[Guests Exclaiming]









[Everyone Cheering, Shouting]




Oh, my God.!

Her veil!



[Glass Shattering]




Shouting Continues]



Come on, honey.







Come on.


Here we go.




Get her in the

back seat, Rudy!




Bon voyage.!



See you later.





So long, kids!






[Horn Honking]



[Swishing, Gurgling]



Oh, hi. Uh, my sister

forgot her veil.



I know she wouldn't want

anything to happen to it.

She's, um...



She's a little out of it.

Just a little bit.



Yeah. Uh, well, excuse me.



Everybody's waiting for me.

I wanna make sure I see

my sister leave.







Oh, I need a drink.






- dlf you were here

I could deceive you d

- [Mouthing Word]



Yeah, you.



Dlf you were here

You would believe d



dBut would you suspect d











What are you doing here?

I heard you were here.



You came here for me?



Is that okay?

Yeah. It's okay.



Do you have to go

to the reception now?



I'm supposed to.



Can I call you later?




I mean, no.



No, I can't call you later?






No, I mean... I'm not going

to the reception.



Oh. Great.



[All Chattering]



[Mouthing Words]



Thanks for getting

my undies back.



Thanks for comin' over.



Thanks for coming

to get me.



Happy birthday,




Make a wish.



It already came true.



Dlf you were here d



dl could deceive you d



dlf you were here d



d You would believe d



dBut would you suspect d



dMy emotion wandering

Yeah d



dDo not want a part of this anymore dd







DSixteen candles d



dMake a lovely, lovely light d



dBut not as bright d



dAs your eyes tonight d



dBlow out those candles d



dMake your wish come true d



dFor I'll be wishing d



d That you loved me too d



d You're only    d



dBut you're my teenage queen d



d You're the prettiest

loveliest girl d



dl've ever seen d



dSixteen candles d



dln my heart will glow d



dForever and ever

and evermore d



dFor I love you so d



dHey d



dSixteen candles

Yeah d



dln my heart

In my heart will glow d



dForever and ever

and ever d



dFor I love you so d



d Oh, I love you so dd


Special help by SergeiK