Sliding Doors Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Sliding Doors script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Sliding Doors. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Sliding Doors Script

              Everybody stretch up for funky jazz  

              All aboard that funk boat, fat mama   'Bout to start sailin' in an hour  

              All your rigors and all your body jiggers   Everybody's in the funky blowout  

              You know where I set sail from just   Around the corner from the Portobello Road  

              Downtown W   in the west, baby   Baby, do what you done told  

              I got bottles of beer and a deck or two  

              Goin' out till the morning comes   And I said  

              Have fun, go mad   Do what I say  

              Have fun, go mad   Don't do what I do  

              Have fun, go mad   C'mon  

              Have fun living in the city  

              Have fun, go mad   Do what I say  

              Have fun, go mad   Don't do what I do  

              Have fun, go mad   So c'mon  

              Have fun living in the city...  

              Have fun, go mad   I like it  

              Have fun, go mad   Do what I do  

              Have fun, go mad   Have fun living in the city  

              Have fun, go mad   Do what I say  

              Have fun, go mad   Do it, do it   

            Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

            Oh, shit. Hello, Helen. I'd almost forgotten you work here.

            I know, I know. You'd almost forgotten I work here,

            but I swear I was up all night toying with ideas for the fashion show,

            and I've really hit on something. You see...


            I took   bottles of vodka on Friday. It was my birthday. You know that.

            I was having a party, and I was running late, so I borrowed some.

            - I bought some more to replace it. - Not a lot of use to me

            when I have nothing to offer the executives who drop by late Friday.

            You could have told them you'd run out. It's popular stuff.

            Bullshit, bullshit. We're in P R. That's what we do, isn't it?

            But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?


            So I'm out, am I?

            Well, this is just perfect.

            Congratulations. You wanted me out for ages.

            Now you've done it. Very well done.

            Theft. Pretty foolproof.

            OK. I'll go. I'll go. I was getting a bit choked up

            with all the testosterone flying about the place.

            It's best I get out before I start growing a penis.

            Told you... Lesbian.


            Thank you.

            'District Line information. Due to a derailment at Victoria,

            District Line trains are subject to extensive delay.'

            'We suggest you find alternative means of transport.'

              You all right, luv? Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut.

              Might need a couple of stitches.

                 She's dragged me to the floor

                Just like she did before  

                And I can't take it no more   

              - Beatles lyrics, eh? - What?

              Elastic Thrombosis - they're guilty of lyric poaching.

              - They're Beatles lyrics, aren't they? - I don't know. Sorry.

              Of course you do. Everyone is born knowing Beatles' lyrics instinctively.

              They're passed into the foetus along with all the amniotic stuff.

              In fact, they should be called The Foetles.

              Not a fan, clearly.

              Funny how nobody talks on the tubes, isn't it?

              I rarely catch the tube myself, or lifts.

              Confined spaces, everybody shuts down. Why is that?

              Perhaps we think everybody on the tube is a potential psychopath or a drunk,

              so we close down and pretend to read a book or something.

              Look, I don't think you're a psychopath, I just want to read my book.

              I understand. I apologise.

              I'm in a little bit of a good mood today as a matter of fact, so I'll just...


              Have we met before? No, no. Honestly.

              - You seem familiar. - I don't think so.

              Yes. Yes, you were in the lift just now. You dropped your earring, I picked it up.

              - Oh, yes. You did. Thank you. - Pleasure.

              - Do you work there? - I did do, but I've just been fired, OK?

              Oh, that's...

              - That's horrible. I'm sorry. - It's OK. You didn't do it.

              Thank you for your concern. I'm glad you're in a good mood, et cetera.

              Thank you for picking up my earring, but I just want to read my book.

              I get off at this stop.

              I'm only telling you in case you get off at this stop, too,

              and you get off before me, and you think I'm following you.

              Which I'm not. I mean, I wouldn't. You know?

              I really didn't mean any offence. Please forgive me. I'm really not a nutcase.

              I apologise.

              Excuse me.

              I'm sorry.

              I'm sure you're not a nutcase or a psycho or anything,

              it's just that I'm not... I'm not that good at, um...

              - you know... - Constructing sentences?


              - I'm James. - Helen.

              I never figured out why we didn't make it, Gerry.

              You went back to America, remember? I couldn't afford the bus fares.

              I came back, though.

              Turn my back for three years, and you callously ditch me for another woman.

              I know. I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous.

              I live with someone. A man. I live with a man.

              - Really? - Mmm.

              I have people I consider soul mates who don't confide in me this much.

              And what would he say if he knew you were walking up from the tube

              in broad daylight with a complete stranger?

              Big deal.

              It was nice to meet you, Helen. Sorry about your job. Really.

              I suppose being a Gemini has its down sides.

              Hey, remember what the Monty Python boys say.

              What, "Always look on the bright side of life"?

              No. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

                 ... out in the streets to find out  

                Who's right and who's wrong  

                Oh, Candy and Ronnie   haven't seen them yet  

                Oh, but they're so spaced out  

                B-b-b-Bennie and the Jets  

                Ohh!   But they're weird and they're wonderful  

                Ohh! Benny...  

                You know, I read it in the magazines...   

              Ohh! Ohh!

              - F-f-f-fuck! - Yes!


              I didn't think you liked Elton John.

              I... I do sometimes.

              You really shouldn't stop like that.

              Set a woman back three days doing a thing like that.

              - Who is she? - She is Lydia.

              Well, I've had a dreadful day. I got sacked.

              So did you, it would seem.

              - Cup of tea? - That'd be nice.

              You bastard!

              You bastard! You useless, shagging bastard!

              I come home and catch you up to your nuts

              in Lady-shagging-Godiva!

              I am working all hours to support you

              while you are supposedly writing your first novel.

              How long, huh?

              Do you love her? No, don't tell me. I'm not interested.

              No, do tell me. I am interested.

              I'm only asking because I need to know exactly how big a mug I am.

              Look... look...


              - Helen? Is that you? - No, it's your bit of stuff.

              Wednesday... shag day, remember?

                 How can you stay   when your heart says no?  

                How can you stop   when your feet say go?  

              Have you just got up, you lazy git?

              No. Uh...? Well, I, uh...

              I didn't sleep that well last night. And then, you know when you left,

              I kind of... I went into a really... a really, really deep, deep,

              deep sleep.

              I think I might be coming down with a... Anyway,

              what are you doing home at this time of...

              Oh, my God!

              What happened to you?

              Well, it depends.

              - Which story do you want first? - What?


              I got mugged and...

              - What are you doing? - I can't stand Elton John.

              You know that. Well, anyway, listen...

              tell me what happened? What happened to your head?

              I got mugged and sacked, only not in that order.

              Though it wasn't an actual mugging, it was only an attempted mugging

              according to the police because they didn't...

              - Whoa, whoa. - Because they didn't...

              Wait a sec. Come here. Come here.

              Now sit down. Just sit here, OK?

              Now... you're in shock, darling, OK?

              You had... a little bit of a shock. Now just relax.

              Do you want a brandy?

              - It's  :   in the afternoon. - Of course it is. Sorry.


              - Are you OK? - Me? I'm fine. Fine.

              Anyway, anyway... t-tell me, what happened.

              And I just couldn't help thinking

              if I had caught that train, it would never have happened.

              I'd have been home ages ago.

              Oh, well, don't wonder about things like that.

              You know. "If only this...", and "What if that..."

              It's done now.

              Come on.



              I'm going to take you out

              and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch.

              And then dry.

              And then follow. Follow.

              Follow, follow, follow.

              And then, when you've sung all your favourite Barbara Streisand songs

              at the top of your voice and got us slung out of the pub...

              Yeah. Put this on.

              I'm gonna let you have carnal knowledge of a lamb passanda,

              which your diet does not allow, with a double tarka dahl,

              which you can then puke

              all over the pristine doorstep of Herr and Frau Goebbels next door,

              and I'll help you.

              I love you, Gerry.

              Gerry, she's not here.

              Anna, you're Helen's best friend. Where else would she be?

              Come search the place if you want. She's not here, Gerry.

              What is it you've done, anyway? Can't be that nice if she's walked out.

              OK, look, I'm sorry. Look, if she comes here, just let me know

              or get her to ring me or something. That's all I ask.

              Like you say, Gerry, I'm Helen's best friend.

              If she comes here, I'll do what SHE asks.

                 I'll have this meagre defence  

                I was hoping that  

                You're an amateur  

                I was hoping that  

                You'd know better  

                But I've been wrong before   

              Well, she's got a point. You can't stand Elton John.

              Forget about Elton John. That's not the issue. What do I do?

              Gerry, you've told me for weeks you couldn't hack it juggling Helen and Lydia,

              and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again.

              I know.

              - You weren't cut out for infidelity. - I know.

              But you couldn't end it with Lydia 'cause you weren't sure how she'd take it.

              - I know all this. - And I told you something...

              if you remember my words... something ungoverned by you would happen

              to bring the situation to a head.

              - I know. - And something has.

              It's not funny, actually, Russell.

              I'm sorry, old man. I beg to differ.

              It is funny. It's very, very, very funny.

              And look at you. You're not rushing about frantically trying to find her.

              I went to Anna's. She wasn't there.

              Oh, went to Anna's? Boy, you're a one-man SAS crack unit.

              - You want my opinion? - Will I like it?

              Well, of course not. It'll be based on reality.

              No, no, no. You don't advertise a new restaurant.

              It's very uncool. It's word of mouth. People talk.

              And how do these people who talk know where you are

              so that they can talk about you?

              It's your restaurant, Clive. I just want it to work. Helen.

              Hello. James.

              Rather annoying chatty bloke on the tube?

              Oh, yes. Hi.

              You look all stressed up with nowhere to go.

              It's only a job. You'll get another one.

              No, it's something else, isn't it?

              Sometimes it helps to just say whatever it is out loud.

              It also helps if people mind their own business and leave you alone. Sorry.

              When I left you at the tube earlier, I went home and found my boyfriend...

              In bed with another woman? Shit.

              Oh, I'm sorry. It's... I mean...

              - What an idiot. - It's OK. You weren't to know.

              No, not me. Your boyfriend. He's an idiot.

              Sorry. It's not my place.

              It's OK.

              Look, if it makes you feel any better, you see that bloke over there?

              Not only does he own a set of crocodile-skin luggage,

              but his favourite TV program is Baywatch.

              So you see, there's always someone sadder than you.

              - Do you love him? - No. I could never love a Baywatch fan.

              Hey, you did a joke

              in the midst of your turbulent emotional state. That's very positive.

              Listen, if you decide you want company, we're over here, OK?

              I'm really sorry, Helen.

              Two of your most disgustingly large Grolsches, please,

              and a large Jack Daniels with ice, and I'll have the same.

              You're behind. Can we have another?


              Gerry came looking for you.

              - Is it what I think? - It depends.

              Is what you think that I walked in on him shagging Lydia in my bed,

              and I walked out?

              - Pretty much. - Then, yes.

              Oh. Hold on. Yeah?

              'This morning was sensational.'

              - Oh. I can't... Sorry. I can't hear you. - 'Gerry?'

              - I can't hear you. - 'Can you hear me? '

              Didn't know it was on. Ready, steady, go!

              See you, James.

              - Who's that? - My friend.

              Come on, you. Let's get you home.

              - Right. - Drunken eejit.

              OK. Whoa.

              And again. Come along.

              - Can I give you a lift anywhere? - Yeah, that would be great. Thank you.

              Hands up if you drank too much, eh?

              Hey, I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.

              Put a wick in her mouth, and she'd burn for a fortnight.

                Menlove Avenue. Thanks a lot.

              French bean, some chicken, some rice...

              - One more little Indian. - No.

              - Oh, come on. - Really. I'll be sick.

              Well, but we've gotta move locations for that, so don't swallow for ten minutes.

              He didn't fancy me.

              He offered us a lift. He was just being concerned.

              Uh-huh. Well, let me tell you, if he'd been that concerned about me,

              I wouldn't be helping you into bed right now.

              Am I in bed?

              Yes. You're staying with me for awhile.

              Don't worry. You'll be fine.

              Just fine.

              There we go.

              - There we go. - Ohh.

              'Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead?'

              'You have two head problems...'

              One - that was close.

              Very close. Put in layman's terms, she nearly caught you.

              And two -

              this is far more worrying than the first one -

              you're talking to yourself in the mirror again.

              Really bad sign.

              Bigger sip. Bigger sip.

              Bigger sip. Don't throw up all over me.

              There are no PR jobs.

              I'm going to need some part-time work, Gerry.

              What you need is a change of image.

              You know, it goes back and then, you know, sort of comes like a slant.

                 Baby, it's a changin' atmosphere  

                And I've seen the signs, I know  

                That it's right for me to go  

                I'm on my way  

                So when you think of yesterday  

                Remember all the things we said  

                And through the course of history  

                I hope you'll still  

                Remember me  

                And there can't be no other way  

                There's nothing left for us to say  

                I've got to see it through alone  

                I've got to do this on my own   

              - For you there. - Hey, gorgeous...

              what do you do when you're not serving mad-cow burgers in here?

              Well now, let me see. I get up about  :   am.

              Make and deliver sandwiches in the West End during the day

              before I come here about  :   and finish at midnight.

              After that, if I've got any energy left, I give me boyfriend a blowjob.

              Would you like some mayonnaise with that?

              - You don't mean that. - I do. Really.

              So, you were together two years

              and you've been sitting here like suicide on a stick for a week.

              - Nine days, Anna. - For nine days. But bollocks to him.

              Yes. I mean, why hasn't he even called to see if I'm OK?

              To admit that he's a twat.

              Hello, Helen, it's Gerry. I'm a twat. Please come home.

              I love you. All that shit. Oh, I don't care anyway. Bollocks to him.

              - I'm over him. - Oh, you're over him.

              Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him.

              - No, you're not. - I am.

              - You're not. - Anna, I'm over him.

              What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not?

              Well, two things really.

              You're still counting how long you've been apart in days, hours and minutes.

              But the flashing red light way of telling you're not over someone

              is reading their horoscope in the hope they're going to get wiped out

              - in some freak napalming incident. - Smart arse.

              - What is he? - A wanker.

              Oh, Aries.

              Aries... Aries...

              Well, just shows how much I know.

              "With Mars in the ascendancy,

              you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident

              and Helen says bollocks to you." This guy's good.

              You go. No, I will.

              No, you. I'm not in. I'm out.

              You don't know where or who with. Especially who with.

              Quickly, go on!

              I am not answering the door like this.

              Please, you have to. It won't be him anyway.

              So there's no big deal, is there?

              Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him.

              Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him.

              Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him.

              Come on. If you don't drink your fatty drinks,

              you'll never really achieve quality cellulite.

              Your haircut suits you, by the way.

              No, it does. It does. No gag.

              Never make a joke about women's hair, clothes, or menstrual cycles. Page one.

              Look, James, maybe I shouldn't be here.

              I'm sorry. I'm not being fair.

              You know, under normal circumstances etcetera,

              you're really nice and funny. My friend Anna thinks you're cute.

              Wait, hold, hold. Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?

              Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?

              Shit, I just blew... Wait.

              Oh,  .  ...  .   on the wrong girl.

              Helen, listen.

              Sometimes we are plonked into people's lives

              when they just need to be cheered up and reassured

              and it turns out that for some reason it's your job.

              We don't know why. In your case, it's my job.

              But, I'll be honest, the fact that I find you moderately attractive,

              just makes the job easier on my part.

              My intentions are completely honourable.

              I have no desire to overstep the mark. Seriously.

              You prefer diamonds or sapphires? Sorry.

              - "Moderately attractive"? - A-ha! I knew you were listening.

              Well, you know, lose the sad eyes, the droopy mouth,

              I could get you an upgrade.

              So, having firmly established the ground rules,

              what are you doing two weeks on Saturday?

              - Probably killing myself. - Excellent. What time does that finish?

              Do you like boats?

              Do you know we haven't done that for two months?

              - Don't be daft. - Two months... almost to the day.

              Almost to the day, listen to you. What are we, a survey?

              Gerry, how did one of my Waterford crystal brandy glasses

              get into the laundry basket?

              - To the where? - The laundry basket.

              I don't know. Can I answer questions in seventies pop music?

              Last week, when I got the sack and I came back, am I going mad?

              But wasn't there was some brandy and two glasses on the dressing table?

              - I don't know. I couldn't really say. - Well, there were, I'm sure.

              Oh, hang on, no, wait a minute. No, I could say.

              There was a bottle and one glass because...

              No, I'm certain there were two glasses, Gerry.

              Helen, I'm not sure I like where this conversation is going.

              No, I told you. I couldn't sleep, so I got up in the night

              to get a drink to knock myself out.

              It was still there in the afternoon when you got home.

              I mean, you had also that day, if you remember,

              had taken a blow to the... the head. We just had a party.

              Maybe one of your mad friends like Anna threw it there.

              I mean, Jesus!

              Let's spoil the moment properly, shall we?

              What are you trying to say? Am I shagging a brandy drinker? Yes.

              Gerry, ease up, will you? For Christ's sake. I'm only asking.

              Oh, women never ask.

              No, they don't ask, they insinuate.

              And you are insinuating, not very subtly, may I add, that I am...


              No, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Thanks.

              I mean, thank you. Thank you.

              I mean, this is the right time, isn't it, to address our relationship, isn't it?

              I mean, it's... it's... it's perfect. Perfect moment.

              Gerry, for God's sakes, I asked a simple question.

              There's no need to become Woody Allen.

              Thanks, James. I'm sorry if you had a lousy time.

              Are you kidding?

              In my book, getting to drink two chocolate milkshakes in one sitting

              represents social splendour. It's one of the perks of being shallow.

              Take care, Helen. You'll be fine.

              Thank you very much.

              It's amazing how you can actually learn to despise inanimate objects.

              Like tin openers that don't open tins,

              egg mayonnaise and Skipjack tuna. You going out?

              Yeah. I was just writing you a note. I'm off to the library.

              I have some stuff to read up on.


              Well, I won't be more than a couple of hours.

              - Would you rather I didn't go? - No, no, of course not. Go.

              OK, bye.

              Lydia, what are you talking about? She followed me.

              I said I was going to the library, so I've come to the library.

              For God's sake!

              Of course I can't come now. What if she's still lurking around the corner or something?

              'So what? Is she there?'

              Lydia, I don't know why she followed me. I'm not a sleuth.

              'I have taken   hours off work, Gerry.'

              Please, don't get hysterical. Look, I'm sorry! OK, I'm sorry!

              I booked our hotel in Dorset. Are we still going?

              Do you want to cancel it? I mean, is she going to follow us there?

              Do you want to end this...

              Yes. I mean, no. I mean, no, I don't want...

              Of course we're still going up. Don't... don't...

              Don't don't don't don't what?

              I don't know.

              Look, we're going to Dorset, OK?

              We're going to have a great time and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

              Right, that's the lot.

              - You don't live there anymore. - Thanks for going again, Anna.

              - Any evidence of her? - Nothing that stood out.

              - Hello. - 'Hi, it's James. Is Helen there?'


              It's James.


              Yes, tonight. You know, the tonight that comes immediately after today.

              He wants to go out tonight.


              Please come. It'll be a laugh.

              - OK. - Great. See ya.

              - OK? - Yeah.

              - She doesn't want to leave here. - I know.

              She's really frail, James. Do you want me to postpone my trip?

              There's another course later in the year.

              It's only a couple of weeks. You should go.

              - You sure? It's not that important. - It is important. I want you to go.


              It's going to be hard to leave this place, James.

              But you've still got the London flat.

              You'll be nearer the hospital, and you can get much better crack in town.

              Hey, you know what the Monty Python boys say...

              "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." I know.


              Sorry. Let me just... Lydia's becoming more and more demanding.

              And you feel bad because Helen's working night and day

              to keep the money coming in. But you've asked Helen to come

              on a research trip to Dorset with you, knowing that she won't be able to...

              to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia.

              And despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out on the phone,

              which you didn't take, you're having a moral dilemma.

              Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.

              If I had no morals, would I be discussing it?

              Whose idea was this trip... yours or Lydia's?

              You wanna get out of this Lydia thing. I foresee problems.

              And I wouldn't mind betting you're talking to yourself in the mirror again.

              - Very bad sign. - You've no compassion.


              Why do I bother confiding in you?

              I'm your mate. I'm here to help you.

              I'm sorry.

              I'm here to help you.

              Bom bom bom! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

              Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise.

              Our two chief weapons are surprise and fear.

              And a ruthless efficiency. Our three main weapons are fear, surprise,

              and a ruthless efficiency. I'll come in again!

              - Whoa! Wow! - Pass me your plate.

              - How do you do, Nigel? - Very nice to meet you.

              I am deadly serious.

              Oh, just set up my own PR company.

              Yeah, well, why not? You've got the experience,

              the know-how, the contacts.

              You want to spend the rest of your life working for other people?

              Hey, what's the worst that could possibly happen?

              I could fail miserably and look like a complete tosser.

              Exactly, so what is there to worry about?

              I had a really nice time, James.

              Did you? Oh, shit! Sorry. That's against the rules, isn't it?

              Yes, it is, so just bear that in mind in the future, would you?

              I'm getting over a major break-up.

              Yeah, sorry. Won't happen again.

              Good night, Helen.

              Hey, you know everything happens for the best.

              You'll never know if you don't try.

              Wear something warm on Saturday. It can get cold on the river.

              Take care.

                 Is that you?  

                Looks like you've   changed your ways again...   

              So, what other ideas has James run by you?

              Anna, don't do that.

              Don't do desperate mother acting with me. He's a friend, OK? Friend.

              I'm not remotely interested in him romantically.

              - You're not. - No.

              So how come last night was the first night you didn't ask

              if anyone had called when you walked in the door?

                 What I know now  

                It's not always a happy ending  

                Yeah, but hey  

                Here comes that rainy day again  

                Hey, look at me  

                Don't feel like crying no more  

                I won't feel like crying no more  

                I don't feel like it  

                Hey, look at me...   

              You're sorry?

              You're sorry that four of the staff here

              have been cut down with food poisoning after eating your sandwiches.

              And yes, they all had the same sandwiches and the same symptoms at the same time.

              Are you trained in the catering trade, may I ask?

              No, actually, I work in PR

              Well, you're not doing a particularly good PR job this morning, are you?

              Luckily for you, I've convinced my colleagues

              not to take the matter any further... this time.

              Now, if you'll excuse me, I have five people's work to do.

              Sorry? Helen has been delivering sandwiches to your office.

              Yes. And today I had reason to summon her.

              Well, I made up a reason, to be brutally honest.

              She's quite pretty in a British, horsey sort of way, isn't she?

              Lydia, what are you playing at? Have you gone raving mad?

              - She's not bloody stupid, you know. - Oh, I wouldn't say that.

              I wanted to see what the woman you ditched me for is like.

              Now, now, now, wait a second. Now, I didn't ditch you for...

              I mean, you went back to America...

              I wanted to see what this girl you seem to have no intention of leaving...

              despite the occasional pre-orgasmic suggestion that you are...

              has that is so unleaveable.

              And I have to say that I ended our brief meeting at a bit of a loss.

              Lydia, don't talk like this. Now, it sounds ugly.

              I told you before I cannot leave Helen for... for... for...

              - You know. - For me?

              Is that what you're trying to say?

              You can't leave her for me?

              Well, you never said you wanted that, have you?

              Gerry, I'm a woman. We don't say what we want.

              But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it.

              That's what makes us so fascinating and not a little bit scary.

              - Hello? - Ah, General Flanagan, at last.

              This is your kindly Uncle Russell here.

              Listen, wherever you were tonight, as if we need to ask, you weren't with me.

              - Helen called here looking for you. - OK.

              - Yeah, all right. - OK, thanks, mate. Bye.

              Thank God. I was so worried. Where have you been?

              I went to Anna's. I needed to see a friendly face.

              I've had a horrible day.

              I met Cruella de Ville's less-nice sister this morning.

              - She completely deflated me. - I know.

              How do you know?

              Well, no, I mean I can tell. Jeez, you look terrible.

              Where were you earlier? I really needed to talk to you.

              Oh, I had some stuff to read up on, so I went to the library.

              God, you're always at the library.

              I'm sick of waiting on tables.

              I know when you finish the book we'll be millionaires,

              but when are you going to finish it?

              I'm going to finish it very soon, Helen.

              Very soon.

              Helen, there's something I want to tell you...

              I need to tell you.

              Um, it's a little bit to do with the brandy glass,

              and a little bit to do with that woman you met today.

              Only please let me finish before you say anything, OK?

              Helen? ...Bollocks.

              Come on, James!

              Go, boy! Come on!


                 I've got an aching in my bones  

                I've been exposed  

                To what I want to see  

                The fuse is burning somewhere  

                It's drenched in me  

                It's where I long to be   

              It's really weird. I knew there'd be a boat race going by

              with purple and white shirts. Sorry?

              Why hasn't he asked you to go with him to Dorset?

              He has. I've got to work.

              Anyway, it'll be good for him to get away. We need a bit of space.

              Anna, can I ask a daft question?

              Did you drop a glass in the laundry basket at our party?

              Sounds like a ridiculous thing to do. It was almost certainly me.

              - Are you OK? - Just going quietly mad.

              Thank God for that. I was worried.


              Yes! Yes!

              - And to my left - And to my left

              - And to my right - And to my right

              - And with my left - And with my left

              - And with my right - And with my right

              - And with the head - And with the head


                Abraham head had seven sons  

                Head, head  

                Seven sons had Father Abraham head  

              Are you sure it's just writer's block?

              I mean, you seem so distant.

              I'm here, Gerry, if you need to talk to me about anything.

              Hey, that's Helen in there.

                Seven sons had Father Abraham head...   

              She's got blonde hair.

              There's loads of them having some kind of sponsored epileptic fit.


              Maybe it isn't writer's block at all, Gerry.

              Maybe it's Helen block.

              I don't want to hear about Helen.

              I don't care about Helen.

              The trouble is you do.

              Quite clearly.

              I just thought of a great finish for your book.

              "The End!"

              Yes, you are, Clive.

              He's opening his first restaurant in six days,

              and he's completely disorganised.

              Well, you know, at my old company,

              we had wars getting Pierre Claude's restaurant open.

              - You did Pierre Claude? - Mmm.

              He's my hero. You did his launch.

              Well, I heard that was a really classy do. People went on about it.

              I mean, six days is...

              Could I come down and take a look?

              I can't promise anything stupendous.

              Sure. Yeah! Yeah, no problem.

              You're kidding. Yeah, come down!

              Pierre Claude. Oh, wow!

              You're very thoughtful, James. You give out an incredible amount.

              Oh, you're the same. You encouraged me today.

              I saw you jumping up and down like a mad thing.

              It spurred me on.

              I love this bridge. My great-grandfather helped build it.

              I often come and stand on it when I want to...

              Build a bridge?

              I'm sorry.

              Oh, God, James, don't.

              - Oh, I'm sorry. - No, I'm...

              I know this is an ideal sort of kissing moment.

              You know, night, moon, boat, water lapping.

              You know, it's, um, it's perfect.

              And I'm not not feeling that it would be nice,

              but I don't really know anything about you

              and I'm... l'm still on the rebound.

              Oh, God, I hate that word, but I am.

              Oh, who isn't? Everyone is.

              I'm on the rebound myself in a way.

              - Who are you on the rebound from? - A girl called Pamela.

              My whole life pivots around Pam and I breaking up.

              - When was that? -     . We were eight.

              I bloody loved that woman.

              No warning. Just up... gone. Left me for somebody else.

              - Who? - Gary Glitter.

              - Get out. - Gary Glitter, for crying out loud.

              I mean, all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy.

              I could have come to terms with that given time.

              But Gary. Oh, she wanted to touch him there, yeah.

              You know? Well, I went to pieces as you can imagine.

              And there was no junior Prozac to see me through, so...

              So, I... I, um...

              - I kissed you. - Yeah, yeah, I spotted that, too.

              You weren't going to do that.

              Um, ahem, would you mind, um,

              just putting that down to a momentary lapse of, um, concentration?

              - Is that what it was? - No.

              Yes? I don't... Oh, help.

              I don't want to be a confusion in your life, Helen. I don't truly.

              But something's happened to me since I've met you...

              that I wasn't expecting, and I don't really...

              Well, well, wasn't expecting.

              Repetition of expecting. I must buy a thesaurus. Anyway, I...

              You did remember to take a full page out in Adulterer's Weekly?

              Lydia, get in the car, will you?

              How many years have you been going to paint that stain off?

                 Ooh, I must believe  

                I can do anything  

                I can heal everyone  

                I must believe  

                I am the wind  

                Yeah, but I am the sea  

                Oh, oh  

                I am the wind, I am the sea,   I am the sun  

                I can be anyone  

                Oh, this world is mine   This world is mine  

                For all of time   For all of time  

                I can turn them to stone  

                Come let me fix my home   I can do anything  

                I'm gonna get myself together...  

              - He didn't even pay the bill. - Of course not.

              - I'm sorry... excuse me. - Sure.

              What do you mean you want to see me?

              Jesus Christ, Gerry, what... How did you get in?

              One of the waiters is a friend of Russell. He got me a ticket.

              It's a great do, Helen. I hear your company's really taking off.

              Gerry, you can't just turn up like this. This is a really important night for me.

              Yes, I can, Helen. I can just turn up.

              It's the most important just turn up I've ever done.

              Oh, God. We can't talk in here.

                I must believe I must believe...   

              We've been through too much just to drop this, haven't we? Surely.

              Helen, please, look at me.

              I'm sorry.

              Really sorry.

              You're too good not to fight for.

              Don't, Gerry, don't talk about fights. I...

              Good-looking bloke.

              Are you seeing him?

              I... I'm sorry. It's not my place to ask.

              - Is that him? - I guess so.

              - Does she know about Claudia? - No.

              I really like her, Clive.

              I'm confused. I feel a bit lost suddenly.

              Gerry, I really have to go back inside.

              Will you come and see me, Helen?

              Please, Helen, there's so much more I want to say.

              I miss you.

              Will you come and see me?

              Please, Helen...

              I'll go.

              Thanks for listening. I'm really proud of you.

                 I am the wind  


                I am the sea  

                I am the wind, I am the sea,   I am the sun  

                I can be anyone  

                Oh, yes, I'm the night  

                That's right   

              Are you OK?

              - Are you OK? - Yes. Just a bit dizzy.

              Too much champagne.



              It's official. I love you.

              Thank you. You're a genius. I'm ecstatic!

              Have you seen James?

              Yeah, yeah, he had to go. Early start. He apologised.

              Business trip. Newcastle or something. I didn't want to pry.

              His secretary wasn't very forthcoming.

              - Do you believe he's away? - Don't know.

              - Think he's just avoiding you? - I don't know.

              - Did you leave a message? - No.

              Do you think maybe you should have? Did he actually see Gerry kiss you?

              I don't know.

              Do you think he might be hoping you've called and not known that you have?

              Did you not check if he has a mobile?

              Anna, ease up, will you? Bloody hell!

              They have less questions than these on Jeopardy.

              I was nervous. I wanted to get off the phone. I felt awkward.

              Well, it's such a little thing. It's hardly worth getting uptight about.

              Oh, Gerry called, by the way.


              That's just...

              Two months ago, I want Gerry to come around. James comes around.

              Now I want James to call, Gerry calls.

              'It was the weirdest dream.'

              'You were there, and you had a funny mask over your face

              and you had something that you needed to tell me, but you couldn't say it.'

              Well, that does it. I'm taking away your class one drugs for a week.

              Anyway, um, there's something else I wanted to tell you.

              - I fainted at work the other night. - Sweetheart, are you OK?

              Yes, but I don't normally faint, so I, um...

              - What was that? - I don't know.

              The people next door are plainly engaged in some bizarre sexual ritual.

              I may pop in later and introduce myself. What were you saying?

              Anyway, I don't normally faint, so I was a little curious.

              Oh! Oh!

              Ow! Oh, sh...

              I stubbed my foot on the side of the shagging bath. Oh!

              - God, sounds horrific. - I know. Shh!


              Listen, there's the landlady. She keeps bringing corned beef sandwiches.

              Look, I'll phone you back when World War XII has stopped for tea.

              So I did a test and it turns out that I'm pregnant.

              I just thought you might like to know.

              Have you gone completely insane? What are you trying to do?

              What do you mean what am I trying to do? I think I broke my toe.

              Lydia, I'm on the pissing phone to Helen, for goodness sake!

              In case you've forgotten, she doesn't know you're here.

              She thinks I'm on a research trip... alone, remember?

              I remember.

              Don't worry, I remember. It's pretty hard to forget.

              So what are you trying to do, huh?

              Coming in here screeching the place down while I'm on the phone.

              Don't you know, Gerry? Don't you know what I am trying to do?

              I am trying to be your girlfriend, Gerry!

              I am trying to win you back! It's fairly simple.

              I am standing on the platform at Limbo Central

              with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase

              waiting for the Gerry fucking express

              to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid!

              That I may reboard the train!

              Only the station announcer keeps coming on

              and telling me that my train has been delayed!

              As the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City,

              we suggest you take the bus!

              That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!


              it's quite clear that that is never going to happen.

              Is it?

              No reply... Perfect.

              So, I... I'm not waiting any more, Gerry.

              I am cashing my ticket in.

              I am taking that bus.

              Oh, God. I tell all my friends, "Never go back."

              Look at me. I must be crazy.

              Don't phone me for a while.

              No, don't phone me at all... ever!

              It's over!


              I've done it, Russell. I've bloody done it.

              Excellent. Congratulations. Done what?

              - I've finished it. - Oh, the book?

              Oh, well, great, mate. That's great.

              Not the book, Russell. I'm a novelist.

              I'm never going to finish the book. The affair.

              The sordid affair with Lydia. I've blown her out... in Dorset.

              I was decisive, but fair. I've just got back.

              Oh, God, I feel like I've got out of jail...

              No more deceit, no more lying to Helen.

              It was such a mistake. Never go back, Russell. It's over.

              God, I can't tell you, it's such a good feeling.

              Well, I'm... I'm very pleased. How does she feel about it? Lydia?

              You know, she's not jumping through hoops,

              but it's the best thing by far.

              By far and away, the best thing. I mean, she knows that.

              I mean, she will do... Well, she was upset.

              I mean, a bit fraught, you know, ob-obviously.

              Oh, God, I feel good.

              I've got to get home before Helen comes back from work.

              You never even buy me flowers when you're meant to! So yes, I'm suspicious.

              What else have you been doing that you're not meant to?

              Wait. Let me get this straight, because this is brilliant.

              I buy you flowers on a whim,

              in a... in a fit of... of... of, um... of romance, but...

              See? You couldn't even think of the word.

              But instead of being... of being grateful,

              instead of being romanced,

              you're instantly convinced that I'm ensconced in some decrepit, tacky,

              underhand clandestine affair?

              In a nutshell.


              Are you back?

              I missed you, so I came home early to see you.


              What are they?

              They're flowers. For you.

              Do you not like them?

              That image of her sitting on top of you...

              Oh, God, I don't know why I agreed to come.

              Please stop, Gerry. Don't. I don't want you to touch me.

              I'm... I'm sorry. I... Don't go.

              Please try and put her out of your mind. She's out of mine.

              It's finished... over.

              I made a mistake... such a big, big mistake...

              and I'm sorry. I'm truly, truly sorry.

              I mean, this new bloke... this James Hammerton that you're seeing...

              - does he not make mistakes? - How do you know his name?

              A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant.

              They're mutual friends. I... I mean, it's not especially important.

              I don't want to talk about James Hammerton or anyone else.

              I have to go.

              Oh, by... by the way, I've, uh...

              I've stopped writing the book.


              the truth is,

              I can't write without you. I can't do anything without you.

              I want you to come back to me, Helen.

              We were so good together.

              Remember how good we are together?

              Sorry. Just wait.

              - Yeah? - I'm late four days. I'm never late.

              Oh, Russell. Look, mate, look...

              Can I ring you back in a few minutes?

              Yeah, OK. Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye.

              That was Russell.

              Look, I'm... I'm dying for the loo.

              'Telephone number     -   -    .'

              'To return the call, press  .'

               Why are you pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that.

                What's going on?

                Gerry, answer me. Who's there?

                It's Helen, actually. We met once.

                I interrupted you faking your orgasm. Sorry I can't be more specific.

                You know what I was thinking?

                - You're not going, are you? - You wanker.

                You sad, sad wanker.

                God, I feel like such a mug! That useless, no-good,

                shagging, horrible,

                despicable, lying,

                two-faced, pissing, shagging...

                - You said shagging. - Wanker!

                You know the worst bit? All I could think about was James.

                I felt like I was being unfaithful to James just by being there.

                That sounds like the best bit. And you were.

                He didn't call, did he?

                That's nearly a week.

                I think I've blown it. I've blown it, haven't I?

                I blame British Telecom. All this new technology...

                this number to know who called, another one to withhold your calls,

                itemised bills, take away the first number you thought of.

                They are single-handedly condemning the average red-blooded Englishman

                to a life of terminal monogamy.

                What are they after? The Nobel Peace Prize?

                Lydia might be pregnant.

                Oh, no more, please.

                I can't take it!

                Oh, this is terrific stuff.

                Being with you makes the wait for the next episode of Seinfeld much easier to bear.

                I didn't reckon on things turning out this way. Everything's a cock-up.

                What's going on?

                Well, to use boxing parlance, if I may,

                it's quite simple - you've just lost.

                Are you sure? You've been a bit...

                I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back.

                I know.

                Well, OK, there are a couple of things. Which one do you want to hear first?

                - I don't mind. - Well, the small thing...

                is that I've got an interview for a job...

                a PR job... a proper one.

                An international company opening up in London.

                Chairwoman herself called... said she had heard a lot about me,

                and she's invited me to her apartment tomorrow evening for a serious chat.

                Jesus Christ!

                - What? - Jesus Christ,

                I mean, that's... that's not a small thing.

                That's... that's huge. That's... I mean, it's brilliant.

                - I mean, that's the best. - Is the blind buggered again?

                No, uh... No. Well, I...

                - Are you all right? - Yeah... no, I'm fine, darling.

                My sweetheart, that's great. It's tremendous.

                I'm thrilled. I'm so thrill...

                - Hello? - I really need to talk to you.

                Hi, Russ. How are you?

                Come by my apartment tomorrow night at  :  . It's important.

                Ah, really, mate? No. What a drag. Oh, no. Yeah, sure, sure.

                Yeah, I'll help you. Yep. Cheers, mate. Bye.

                Russell's family is descending unannounced.

                Yeah, he wants me to go round tomorrow evening

                and, help him clear out his spare room.

                Uh, right. OK. So...

                Right, then.

                Sorry. What was the other thing you wanted to tell me?

                It doesn't matter. It's not important.

                Hamilton Enterprises.

                Rachel, I'm going out to the shops. Can I get you anything?

                No, thanks.

                - You OK? - Yes.

                Yes. Yes, I'm fine.

                I just... You know, I'm... go to the shops. I'll be, um...

                - Sorry. - Sorry.

                - Hello. - Hi. Hi.

                - How are you? - How are you?

                - I'm great. - I'm fine.

                How are you? Um, sorry. You're great.

                - Business lunch? - Yeah, just a chat, you know.

                - My office is just around the corner. - I know. Um...

                I thought you were away on business.

                Yeah, I was. I just... I got back last night, as a matter of, uh...

                Helen, look, please don't think that I...

                Oh. It's OK. I... I haven't thought...

                I mean, I didn't think that... or not.

                No, I mean, don't think that I have not called you.

                I haven't not called you. I mean, I don't...

                I don't mean I haven't not called you, because that's a double negative,

                - so as to say that I have called you. - When did you call?

                Well, I didn't.

                But I... I didn't not call you

                in the way that you might think I didn't call you. Oh, dear.

                I wanted to call you.

                I even dialled all but the last number thing and then not.

                - It's ridiculous behaviour. - Totally.

                You see, I thought you still had to deal with... with your other, uh...

                Oh. Gerry?

                Well, I don't know. Is that... yeah, if...

                And I thought it was best if I allowed you to...

                - Gerry is why you haven't called me? - Well, after Clive's party,

                I didn't want to just presume that we'd...

                You think I just go to bed with all the successful oarsmen I come across?

                Sorry. Nervous humour.

                Well, I hoped not.

                Sorry. Excuse me.


                Oh, I see. I'll, uh...

                I'll come straight away. OK, thanks.

                My mum had to go into hospital.

                She's had some tests done. The results are through. I should go.

                Do you want me to come with you?

                Yeah. That's really nice of you.

                Uh... Well, maybe, um...

                I don't... She's quite frail, and I don't know how she's going...

                - It's OK. - But, um, thanks.

                I'm... Some friends are having dinner at Clive's tonight,

                if you're not doing anything. You want to come along?

                - Well, some other time. - I'd love to, if that's OK.

                Yeah, yeah.

                Of course. Crikey, it's... it's very, very OK, yeah.

                Well, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I'll pick you up at  :  .

                Is that a will pick me up or a haven't, not, didn't, might?

                Listen, don't worry about your mum. She'll be OK.

                Remember Monty Python.

                Well, I'll see you later.


                - Hi. - Hi.

                - How are you? - Just... you know.

                Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?

                I haven't told him yet.

                Never seems to be the right moment somehow.

                Come on. Let's celebrate with a proper drink.

                Bloody marvellous idea.

                I really shouldn't in my condition, but I'm really going to.

                - What have you got? - Brandy.

                Ooh, no. Yuck. Makes me vomit.

                   Coming up for air  

                  Rising to a very new  


                  Coming up for air  

                  I'm the last breath around  

                  I'm the last breath around   

                Half day?


                So it was last night?


                You can't tell from one. They can be inaccurate.

                I bought three packets.

                Two in a packet... that's six.

                You can tell from six.

                What are you going to do?

                - Is James Hammerton in? - I'm afraid not.

                Um, do you know when he's due back?

                I'm not sure. He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife.

                Would you like to leave a message?


                Can I take a name and number? Get him to call you?

                Um... No, thank you.

                There's something I want you to know.

                Anna doesn't drink brandy, Gerry. It makes her vomit.

                And those glasses were not used at the party.

                They only come out for special dinners. You know that.

                Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?

                Are you having an affair?

                Just tell me... yes or no.


                I'm not.

                Helen... look into my eyes.

                I am not having an affair.

                I'm not.

                Well, I shouldn't have brought this up now. I've got to go to my interview.

                We'll talk later.

                Are you going to be here when I get back?

                Yes. Of course.

                Helen... listen.

                Good luck, OK?

                - Hello? - Hi, Anna. Is Helen there?

                You've got a damned nerve phoning here.


                Anna, please, just open the door. I don't know what's going on.

                You don't know what's going on? I'll tell you, then.

                She saw you, James, at the hospital with your wife.

                You know, the one with the wedding ring. What is it with you bloody men?

                - Anna, let me see her. - She's not here.

                - Where is she? - What's it to you? I don't know.

                Oh, shit, shit. Bollocks!

                Oh, God, you idiot!

                - Clive, you seen Helen? - No. Why?

                Thank you!



                Helen! Helen, you've made a mistake!

                Oh, I'm such an idiot! Look at me, Helen.

                - Listen to me, please. - No, you listen!

                I never want to see you again!

                I have been through enough for one year!

                I stupidly believed that here was a man

                who was different from men, but it is clear that I made a mistake.

                Now please do me a favour and go away!

                I am married, Helen, but I am separated.

                Walk away if you want, but take this with you...

                the woman you saw today was the woman I married three years ago.

                We separated six months ago, and soon we'll be divorced.

                Nothing aggressive.

                I didn't tell you before, because...

                I don't know why. I...

                I have wanted to tell you so many times, and...

                and now you've found out another way, I wish I had told you.

                My mother is ill in hospital, as you know,

                and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretence for my mum.

                As a favour. She's a very decent woman.

                Do you have a mum, Helen?

                Ten minutes, Lydia, and don't ever turn up at my kitchen window again like that.

                It's over, you know? You said it yourself.

                I know. Sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just want to show you something.

                Oh, Helen... if we are not going to be together,

                let's make sure it's for the right reason, and right now, there is no reason... none.

                There is just confusion, and it can be erased in a split second.

                Get that, would you?

                Of course, if you don't want to keep it... Who is it?

                Oh, hello again. You're right on time.

                Is this the truth, James?

                Permission to engage the enemy, sir?

                I can't take the interview just now.

                I'm discussing whether or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby.

                James... there's something I have to tell you.

                I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way, Helen.

                I'll tell Anna I'm OK.


                I love you.

                Helen, wait. Please, wait.

                - Let me go! - Helen!


                James... are you her husband?

                Uh... I will be. We're... we're getting married.

                If I could have a quick word?

                Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James.

                Helen has lost her baby, I'm afraid, Gerry.

                I'm afraid she's lost her baby.

                You did know she was pregnant?

                Did you know she was pregnant?

                She'll be OK, though, won't she?

                She is going to wake up, isn't she, doctor?

                Helen, for some reason, I know you can hear me.

                I'm glad we got things sorted out tonight.

                I'm glad you caught the train that day.

                I am going to make you so happy.

                I promise.


                Can you hear me?

                Could you hear me, Helen?

                - I'm sorry I'm late. - Oh, no problem.

                Your mother's showing some signs of improvement this morning.

                She's sitting up, and she's had a full breakfast.

                That's great.

                Helen, I swear I...

                - I'll do anything you want, darling. - Will you?

                In that case, I want you to stand up...

                walk over to the door...

                open it, walk through it,

                and close it behind you.

                Ta-ta, mum.

                   Mama, where's your pretty   little girl tonight...  

                - Call us if you have any problems. - Thank you.

                You're very fortunate, Helen. You had a lucky escape.

                You can say that again.

                  She's got a young man waitin'  

                  Yes, she's grown up  

                  She's got a young man waitin'  

                  She's wide-eyed  

                  She'll be streetwise  

                  To the lies  

                  And the jive talk  

                  But she'll find true love  

                  And tenderness on the block  

                  But she'll find true love  

                  And tenderness on the block  

                  She was wide-eyed  

                  Now she's streetwise   To the lies...  

                Thank you.

                Cheer up. You know what the Monty Python boys say.

                Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition.

                  And tenderness on the block  

                  Yeah, she's gonna find true love  

                  She's gonna find true love  

                  She's gonna find true love  

                  My tea has gone cold,   I'm wonderin' why I  

                  Got out of bed at all  

                  The mornin' rain clouds at my window  

                  And I can't see at all  

                  And even if I could it'd all be grey  

                  Put your picture on my wall  

                  It reminds me that it's not so bad  

                  It's not so bad   Bad, bad, bad, bad  

                  I drank too much last night  

                  Got bills to pay  

                  My head just feels in pain  

                  I miss the bus and there'll be hell today  

                  I'm late for work again  

                  And even if I'm there,   they'll all imply  

                  That I might not last the day  

                  And then you call me  

                  And it's not so bad   It's not so bad  

                  And I  

                  Want to thank you  

                  For givin' me the best day  

                  Of my life  


                  Just to be with you  

                  Is having the best day  

                  Of my life  

                  Push the door, I'm home at last  

                  And I'm soaking through and through  

                  Then you handed me a towel  

                  And all I see is you  

                  And even if my house   falls down now  

                  I wouldn't have a clue  

                  Because you're near me  

                  And I  

                  Want to thank you  

                  For giving me the best day  

                  Of my life  

                  And, oh  

                  Just to be with you  

                  Is having the best day  

                  Of my life  

                  And I  

                  Want to thank you  

                  For giving me the best day  

                  Of my life  


                  Just to be with you  

                  Is having the best day   of my life   

Special help by SergeiK