Smokey And The Bandit Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Smokey And The Bandit script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Burt Reynolds and Sally Field movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Smokey And The Bandit. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Smokey And The Bandit Script














You heard 'bout the legend

ofJesse James



And John Henry

just to mention some names



Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend

in the South today



A man called Bandit

from Atlanta, Ga.



Every gearjammer

knows his name



They swear he got asphalt

a-runnin'in his veins



A foot like lead

and nerves like steel



He's gonna go to glory

ridin'    wheels



Oh, boy



He left Atlanta back in '  



Haulin'him a load

up to Tennessee



He hit Mount Eeale

in a drivin'rain



So hard he couldn't even see

the passin' lane



Well, he started down the grade

when he lost a gear



He hit them brakes,

found he had no air



The Mount Eeale grade

is steep and long



And everybody that seen it

thought the Bandit was gone



All gone



Well, his truck jack-knifed

turned completely around



He was comin' down backwards

'bout the speed of sound



A lot of folks seen him

and they all say



He had his head out the window

yellin', "Clear the way!"



Well, he got to the bottom

safe and sound



Everybody asked Bandit

how he made it down



He said, "Folks, when the truck

picked up too much speed



"I just run along beside it

and drug my feet"



Ya heard the legend

ofJesse James



And John Henry

just to mention some names



Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend

in the South today



A man called Bandit

from Atlanta, Ga.



Every gearjammer

knows his name



They swear he's got asphalt

a-runnin'in his veins



A foot like lead

and nerves like steel



He's goin' up to glory

ridin'    wheels



Ah, tell me, boy



Talk to me, guitar



Hey, Kirk. How ya doin'?



Tod Engels. How are ya?



- This your rig, son?

- Yeah.



Open it up. Let's see the manifest.



Well, placin' you under arrest

for transportin' alcoholic beverages



across state lines

without the proper permits.



And that means you,

you dumb cowboy.



You know truckin' Coors beer

east of Texas is bootleggin'.



- This here's Georgia, son.

- Just a friendly bet.



These two old boys put me up to it.



Now, when ya gonna learn?



Big and Little Enos Burdette make that

same bet with every gearjammer they can.



I say he ain't gonna go

for your game.



Son, from what I've heard, the biggest

thing about the Bandit is his ego,



and I figure that plus a lot of my dollars,

and he'll try anything, legal or not.



(ANNOUNCER) They've put on quite a show

for us today, haven't they, friends?



Yes, sir, you have seen some of

the finest gearjammin'in all of this country.



Remember, these are the boys that take

the long hauls They really did it today.



- Hoss... Where might I find the Bandit?

- I ain't seen him.



- Over there behind his rig.

- Who wants to see him?



- Who's askin'?

- I'm askin'.



'Cause I'm the guy payin' him $   a day

so all his loyal fans can look at him.



Do it.



I'm buyin' your attraction

for a half an hour.



Egotistical son of a bitch.



A guy that paints his truck like this would go

to a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.



(BIG ENOS) See, son? Old legends

never die. They just lose weight.



Seems like a legend and an out-of-work

bum look a lot alike, Daddy.




Bandit, me and my son are here.



Oh, I love your suits.



It must be a bitch gettin' a size

   extra-fat and a    dwarf.



I came to make a deal. What's he get

if he wins this truck rodeo thing?



- (BANDIT) lf? I

- $     Daddy.



- Chicken-shit money.

- Just what the hell you want, anyway?



You to get out of this dumb-ass rodeo

and accept a real challenge.



(BANDIT) Gettin' to Texarkana and back

in    hours, that's no problem.



- It ain't never been done before, hotshit.

- Watch your language, little lady.



The problem is that Coors beer.



You take that east of Texas

and that's, uh... that's bootleggin'.



I believe you're just a little bit scared.



Great psychology. Why don't you say

somethin' bad about my mother?



- Your mama is so ugly...

- Look, you make this run for me.



These Peterbilts are worth $     .



That comes to about three grand

an hour if you make it in    hours.



How about that for a challenge?



- Dad, I don't believe that that's necess...

- Never mind.



Wait a minute. Why do you

want that beer so bad?



Because he's thirsty, dummy.



You see, I got a boy runnin' tomorrow

in the Southern Classic



When he wins,

I wanna celebrate in style.



- How much style?

- Well, I got a few friends and me.






-     cases...?

- Well?



- Well, let me see your cash.

- Big Enos's word is gold.



All right show him the cash.



- Go ahead, Little.

- Shit.



Let's see. There's     cases of beer,

I'll need the cash for that.



No problem. Go ahead, boy.



New car. Gotta have a new car

to block for the truck.



- OK. Go ahead, boy.

- I'd like to kick his ass just once.



Speedy car.



Speedier than that.



Go ahead.



- Hello, darlin'.

- Hi, Uncle Bandit.



- Which one of the house apes are you?

- Kate.



He's droppin' 'em like flies, isn't he?



Well, well, well. Hello, beautiful.



- How about 'gorgeous'?

- You can't have him.



Obviously you can. What are you

tryin' to do, start another race?



Look, you got Cledus in jail once.

Leave us alonel



- Hi, Uncle Banditl

- He ain't your damn unclel



I always recognise youl You know why?

You always kick me in the ballsl



Damn it, Banditl Look at mel



I find it hard to look at you, Waynette,

especially with those things in your hair.



Makes me think you're listening

to a radio station in Savannah.



You can't go in there and bother Cledus.

Heyl This is my homel



- Cledus.

- Nol



I know in the past

I may have done you wrong.



- Right?

- Right.



However, in the future, Cledus,

I will never, ever do you wrong again.



- Right?

- Right.



We have a big chance, a big chance

to make a run for some big bucks.



-       of them.

- Really?



- Are we gonna kidnap the Pope or somethin'?

- How'd you guess?



No. We're just gonna run over to Texarkana

and pick up     cases of Coors



and bring it back in    hours.



Whoal I got a flash for you.



That's called bootleggin',

and that's against the law.



Who gives a turkey when the Snowman

and the Bandit are runnin' the booze?



- No one can stop us.

- Hold it right there.



There ain't gonna be no more

Snowman and Bandit.



Because I've got to go in the morning

to Conyers and pick up a load of manure.



- Shitty job.

- Can I ask you a question?



Sure. Ask me.



What the hell do we wanna go to

Texas for and haul beer back here?



For the good old American life.



For the money, for the glory

and for the fun.



Mostly for the money. You know

what we're gonna do with the money?



- What?

- We're gonna buy a new rig.



- You're crazy, you know that.

- Yeah.



- How much money did you say it was?

- $     .



$     ?



- Hm.

- Waynettel



Now, Bo, I'm tellin' ya,

Fred here ain't gonna be no problem.



- I can see he'll be a major asset.

- Besides, he's one hellacious watchdog.



- Well, let's get goin'.

- Whoa. Hold it a minute.



I got to ask you a question.

Sit right there, Fred.



You mean to tell me

we're gonna drive from here



to Texarkana, Texas,

and back to here in    hours?



It's only     miles there

and     miles back.



Well, for your information,

that ain't never been done, not in no rig.



'Cause you and I never done it in no rig.

You gotta stop thinkin' so negative.



'Course we can make it.

We ain't never not made it yet, have we?



- Well, no.

- You see? There you are.



Yeah. Yeah, I see. I see all right.



I see our asses in a sling

if we get caught that's what I see.



Heyl Ho-ho-hol



Well, God Almighty,

would you look at thatl



- It's beautiful, huh?

- Honey, hush.



I don't guess we're gonna be ridin'

in the truck together this time?



No, son. I'll be drivin' this one

and blockin'.



You'll be drivin' the truck.

This is Bandit One and that is...



...Bandit Two. Together again.



- Like Fred and Ginger and Lester and Earl

- That's right. But we got a problem.



You know them Smokeys

got them CBs in the car now.



I haven't worked that out yet,

but I'm thinkin' about it.



I got an idea.

Why don't we do this?



If I say go to channel    forget it.

We ain't goin' to    we're goin' to   .



-    is   ?

- If I say go to channel six, forget it.



- We go to three.

- I go to three. Perfect.



- If I say go to channel two, we go to one.

- Two is one.



- That'll confuse everybody.

- That'll confuse 'em.



On the other hand,

if we stayed on the odd channels,



switched every time and started

in the basement, that'd work, too.



- That'd do it, too, wouldn't it?

- Well, yeah, that'd work too, I guess.



- Let's haul ass.

- OK.






Breaker One. This is the Bandit.

Is the Snowman out there?



- Am I hittin'ya, son?

- Mercy sakes.



You put about eight and a half on me,

blowin' my windows out. Bring it on.



I'll be within earshot.

You keep it wound up to around   .



- Hey, Bandit. Me and Fred's got a question.

- What do you and Fred want?



How come we're doing this?

They said it couldn't be done.



- That's the reason.

- That's good with Fredl



  - .



Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'



We gonna do what they say

can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Keep your foot hard on the pedal,

son, never mind them brakes



Let it all hang out

'cause we got a run to make



The boys are thirsty in Atlanta

and there's beer in Texarkana



And we'll bring it back

no matter what it takes



Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'



We gonna do what they say

can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Old Smokey's

got them ears on



He's hot on your trail



And he ain't gonna rest

till you're in jail



So you've got to dodge him

you've got to duck him



You've got to keep

that diesel truckin'



Just put that hammer down

and give it hell




Well, hello there, Smokey.



Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'



We gonna do what they say

can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Keep your foot hard on the pedal,

son, never mind them brakes



Let it all hang out

'cause we got a run to make



The boys are thirsty in Atlanta

and there's beer in Texarkana



And we'll bring it back

no matter what it takes



Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'



We gonna do what they say

can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Fred, I hope me and you

ain't lettin' Bandit



talk us into somethin'

we gonna be sorry for, son,



'cause he's about as crazy

as you are ugly.



Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'



We gonna do what they say

can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



- Big town, ain't it?

- I wonder what they do for excitement.



They probably sit around

and watch the cars rust.



- Damn it, it's locked.

- We're about an hour ahead of schedule.



- Let's keep it that way.

- All right.



Hey, want a beer?



- Well, sonl

- Redneck heaven.



- How we gonna load all this stuff, though?

- I'll load it with this.



- You can't drive no forklift.

- I can drive any forkin' thing around.



- Get seriousl Can you drive this thing?

- I am serious.



- Crank it up. Now back it up.

- Oh, shut upl



- I said back it up, not raise it upl

- I am backin' up, ya big dumbbell!



Hold itl The beerl Watch the beerl



- (LAUGHS) You all right?

- Very funny (l) Very funny (l)



I thought it was funny.



Hey, we really oughta pay somebody

for that mess we made in there.



- All right have you...

- I got that all worked out.



You just leave a note. Tell the folks

to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.



"Send... bill... to... Big... Enos... Burdette."






Burdette. B...



B-e-r... B-u-r... B...

Hell, I got to go.



(MAN ON CB) Hey, Spiderman,

are you out there? Come back.



Snowmanl How we doin', son?

Come on back.



Hang on just a minute,

and I'll tell ya.



We're about    minutes ahead of schedule.



- Come back.

- I hate to say I told you so.



Don't lose your head, son.

We still got a lot of boogiein' to do.



Put the pedal to the metal.

I'm   -   on the side.



For sure. Me and Fred,

we got your back door, ain't we, Fred?



- Sorry. I don't want to get married.

- Terrific That makes two of us.



- Will you unzip me?

- Sure.



- Does this thing move?

- Oh, yeah.






Where are we going?

No, don't tell me. Let me guess.



- We are a bride in search of a wedding.

- No.



There is a wedding in search of a bride.

Let me put it another way.



Think of it as a wedding posse

in search of a bride.



- You understand that cowboy?

- Yeah.



What are ya doin'?



- These are my shoes.

- Oh, yeah.



- And these are my legs.

- Yeah.



- What are you gonna do with them?

- With the shoes or the legs?



Last time I saw legs like that

they had a message tied to 'em.



What do you mean? These are

great little legs. I'm a professional.



Well, in that case,

you shouldn't be dressed in white.



- Dancer.

- Oh.



Well, cowboys love fat calves.



- They're not fat.

- They're bigger than mine.



- Do we really wanna talk about legs?

- One of us does.



Otherwise we wouldn't have gone...

What are we doing now?



Well, I am getting my clothes, you fool.



Good idea. Why don't you

slip into somethin' comfortable?



Are we really going    ?

We're going    I



Why do you wear that cowboy hat?

Because you think it looks dazzling on you.



I'd no idea this dress

would be so hard to get out of.



Hold up on that car wash, gentlemen.



Come here, son.






You look tired, boy. Rest yourself.



You punks look tuckered out, too.



That's an attention-getter.



- Now, a lady in a weddin' gown.

- Yes, sir.



- Get in a car?

- Yes, sir.



- See who was drivin'?

- N-no, sir.



- Licence plate?

- Y-yes, sir. Georgia plates.






B-A-N dash O-N-E.



All right. Now, you boys

just stay here and watch the car.



There might be some vandals around

who wanna steal somethin',



so you boys just stay here

and keep your hands on the car



until one of my aassociates arrive.



And don't go home, don't go to eat,

and don't play with yourself.



It wouldn't look nice on my highway.



Oh, you can think about it,

but don't do it.



Hey, man, he's gone.

Let's get outta here.



Shitl You do what you want.

I'm stayin' right here.



   years old and... Oh, goodness,

what's this? I'll tuck it right in.



I was down here dancing

in a home appliance show.



- I danced around three trash mashers.

- Talk to me, my boy.



I had this costume that lit up.

I only short-circuited once.



- Where did you get that seat cover, son?

- This ain't no seat cover.



- I was standing in the parking lot...

- I'm sitting next to Lawrence of Arabia.



I met this guy... These can't be my pants.

God, he was good-looking.



- And he had this hat on...

- Funny, ain't she?



I think he was from Texas or something,

and I thought "Why not marry the guy?"



Nobody walks out

on a pretty weddin' I set up.



I'm gonna get that girl

and set everything straight.



She insulted my town.

She insulted my son.



- Look, what if we...

- Shut upl She insulted my authority.



And that's nothin' but pure and simple

old-fashioned Communism.



It happens every time one of those

dancers starts poontangin' around...



with those show-folk fags.



Halfway down the aisle I said to myself,



"Jesus Christ, what are you doing?

His mother doesn't even have any teethl"



I jumped in this car, and it blew up

on the side of the road,



and I ended up in this goddamn airplane.

What do you do?



I don't remember.



- Oh, are we on the air?

- Sort of, yeah.



You think I'm... nuts, don't you?



No, I don't think you're crazy.



I picked up three brides yesterday,

just like you, very subdued.



Hey, what... what's goin' on up there?



- Come back, Bandit

- Bandit?



- Is that your name or your profession?

- That's my handle. Bo's my real name.



- What's your name?

- Carrie.



Is she wearing a wedding dress?



She was.



What's she wearin' now?

Come back.



Hey, you got peanut butter

or somethin' in your ears?



Tell me what that woman's got on...

her mindl



  - I



No coozie's gonna leave me

at no church.



Decoratin' up a whole town

at a cost of $  .






I can see her now,

runnin' back up that aisle...



No, she was dancin'

back up the aisle,



her knockers bouncin'

all over the joint.



Let go of that wheel.



Why, her ass was wigglin', too.



Why so fast?

You're late for a big bowling date?






- So, tell me about yourself.

- What do you wanna know, my sign?



- What do you do besides drive fast?

- Have fun.



- Is this fun?

- Drivin'?



- Driving, talking to me.

- They're both a challenge.



- You've got a great profile.

- Yeah, don't I? Especially from the side.



At least we finally agree on something.



Yeah. We both like half my face.



Hey, would a cop taking a leak

on the side of the road interest you?



Yes, it would.



- He's taking a   -   .

- At least it's better than a   -   .






- Smokey.

- Smokey.



- Is this fun?

- I forgot to tell ya:



I'm runnin' blocker for     cases

of illegal Coors.



Holy shitl



I don't believe this.

Funny, I don't remember that turn.



- Bandit, where the hell are you?

- I'll be back on the highway in a second.



All right, good buddy.

I'll keep my eyes peeled.



- Them things are fabulous.

- I think I just went   -   .



- Well, it's better than   -   .

- That's true.



Well, the more wheels I got

the better I like it.



I'm the brother of a truck-driving mother

boogity, boogity, boogity, boogity.



- Snowman, you got your ears on?

- You lucky devil, you got him.



- Where the hell are you?

- I'm on a two-lane blacktop.



Highway marker number   .

How's our time doin'?



Oh, how are we doin' on time?

About    minutes ahead of schedule.



- What's your   ?

- I'm about four miles ahead of you, turkey.



Not for long.



- (SHERIFF) Breaker to the Bandit

- Come on back, breaker.



Bandit, I've got a smokey report

for you. Come on.



- Well, talk to me, good buddy.

- You've got trouble comin'.



Well, what's your handle, son,

and, uh, what's your   ?



My handle's Smokey Bear,

and I'm tail-grabbin'your ass right now.



Goddamn. That's a Texas mountie.

What the hell's he doin' in Arkansas?



Well, let's just see what

he's got under the hood.



Bye-bye, babyl



You smoke much?



I just started.



- Cledus, you got your ears on, son?

- Oh, bring it on, you lucky devil.



- Comin' around you.

- Be careful.



You're gonna have to make your own lane,

'cause you definitely got oncoming traffic



Be careful. Be careful.



Oh, my... Oh, my Godl



I'm about to be killed in this...

in this moving CB radio show,



and I... I don't even have a handlel



You want a handle?

OK, I'll think one up for ya. Let's see.



- Oh, I got one for yal

- What?



Just give me a minute here.



He done good, didn't he, Fred?









- Why?

- 'Cause you're always hoppin' around.



And you're kinda cute like a frog,

and... I'd like to jump ya.






Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice

look like a possum's pecker.



- Except for that...

- Shut your ass.






- Break for that Bandit One.

- Yeah, Snowman, come on back.



That was a Texas bubblegum machine

on your back door.



- A Texas bubblegum machine?

- Yeah, I saw him.



You ain't gonna believe this, but that crazy

sombitch tried to drive up under my truck.



What's a Texas county mountie

doing in Arkansas?



- I don't know.

- I don't know.



I don't knowl



- Well, who the hell knows?

- I really don't know.



What we're dealin' with here is

a complete lack of respect for the law.




This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice.



I'm in pursuit of a black TransAm.



He's all mine, so stay outta the way.



This is Sheriff George Branford

of Deeson County, Arkansas.



We are apprised of the situation

and are taking appropriate measures.



Did you say you are a sheriff?



That's a big   - I



This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice

of Texasl



Texas? You know, of course,

that you're out of yourjurisdiction.



I suggest that you let my department

handle the situation.



That's very comfortin',

but I'm in a high-speed pursuit.



- Don't you hear good?

- I hear perfectly.



The fact that you are a sheriff

is not germane to the situation.



The goddamn Germans

got nothin' to do with itl



- What?

- Shut upl One shit at a timel



- What do ya see?

- We lost him.



This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice again.



I lost that TransAm.

Set up a roadblock.



- Good ideal

- What the hell you know?



I believe we have the situation

well under control, Sheriff.



Breaker, breaker, lookin'for the Bandit



- You out there, son?

- You got the Bandit. Come on back.



My handle's Silver-Tongued Devil. Your fellow

CBers are mighty proud of ya out there.



Thank ya, son. I appreciate it.



Tell me, you comin' up

on Fayetteville and Interstate   ?



- We're almost on top of it.

- I got a big bad bear story for you there.



I just rolled past

a county mountie roadblock.



- You ARE a silver-tongued devil.

- That's a big   -  good buddy.



Well, you keep your wheels spinnin'

and the beavers grinnin', then. I'm out.



Why, thank you, Officer.



- Classy guy.

- Classy guy.



Did you see that? They went

right through our roadblock.



You sombitches couldn't

close an umbrella.



You know somethin', Sheriff? If J.W.

don't get out of my way, I'll pass him.



Where? In the woods?



I don't care if your daddy is the mayor.

You wreck this car, it'll come outta your pay.



- Yeah, but he's gettin' away.

- Son, he's not goin' anywhere.



The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled

for the past six months.



(BANDIT)That's not good.



It would be better with a whole bridge.



(BANDIT) And that's worse.



- Why don't you drop me off? I'll catch a cab.

- Too late now.



We did itl We did itl



See? I didn't wreck it, Sheriff.



We jumped over that bridgel



- Did you see what we did?

- Yes, I did.



I wanna jump something elsel I wanna

jump a housel I wanna jump somethingl



Well, jump me.



- Honest to God, it wasn't my faultl I stoppedl

- Yeah, right.



Hey, boy, where's Sheriff Branford?



I am Sheriff Branford.



Oh, hey...

For some reason or another,



you sounded a little taller on radio.



What the hell is

the world comin' to?



(MAN ON CB) Sounds good to me,

Tower of Power. Listen, buddy...



- What channel we on?

- What?



- What channel are we on?

-   .



Snowman, are you out there?



I'm doin' what I'm supposed to be doin'.

What are y'all doing, he'n' and she'n'?



- Come back.

- Oh, we were playin' a little bridge.



- How we been doin'?

- We're losin' minutes, son.



If you don't get up here and run me some

interference, we ain't never gonna make it.



I'll drop the dolly off at a choke-and-puke,

and then I'll get right back on the job.



All right.

  -  on that choke-and-puke.



- Oh, by the way, Bandit...

- Yeah, guy?



How 'bout bringin' me a hamburger for Fred?

I'm beginnin' to worry about him.



- He's lookin' a little thin in the skin.

- You got 'em.



- Choke-and-puke.

- Choke-and-puke.



- That's where I'll get off?

- Right.



You oughta give up smokin'.

That's bad for your health.



But I enjoy it so much.



I guess you can get

your ticket over there.



- You got enough money?

- Yeah.



I have enough to get to Jersey,

walk the rest of the way.



- Hey, thanks.

- Oh, it was nothing.



- I'll see you around.

- Yeah.






You gonna be all right?



Yeah... I'm always all right.



Can I have a couple of cheeseburgers

to go and a glass of iced tea?



How much I owe ya, ma'am?



- A dollar and a half.

- Keep the change.



(JUSTICE) Just keep your eye out

for that Mr Bandit bastardl



Let me have a diablo sandwich, a Dr Pepper.

Make it fast. I'm in a goddamn hurry.



- You want somethin'?

- A hush puppy, Daddy.



We got no time for that crapl

Dumb sombitchl



- Diablo and Doc

- Thank you, nice lady.



- You must be in a hell of a hurry, Sheriff?

- You bet your ass on that boy.



Oh, you got a little mess there.

Let me help you get that off there...



- Yeah, yeah. Much obliged.

- Yeah.



Who ya chasin'?

Somebody chasin' you?



Nobody chasin' me, boy.



I been chasin' a goddamn maniac

all the way from Texarkana, Texas.




What is he, a bank robber?



Bank robber?



Bank robbin' is baby shit

alongside of what this dude is doin'.



Almost killed    law officers.



Drivin' through people's backyards,

knockin' down mailboxes.



He's got a broad in the car,

took her across the state line.



That's the Mann Act.



I don't think he's got her permission,

and that's kidnapping.



- How's that for high jinks?

- Yeah.






- What I owe?

- Oh, let me pay for it.



- You're an officer of the law. I'd be honoured.

- Much obliged.



- Where's the can? I gotta take a squirt.

- Right back there. Just used it.






Heyl Heyl

What are you doin' in my car?



- You're goin' the wrong wayl

- Oh.



- Hang onl

- What the hell are ya doin'?



- Sheriff Justice is in therel

- I knowl I knowl



- Thank you, nice lady.

- Sure thing.



Yoo-hool Sheriffl



Oh, boy.



Nice ass.



I didn't want to be dumped

at any old truck stop.



- I wanted to stay with you.

- Well, why didn't you ask?



You might've said no, and I have

a hard time handling rejections.












We're gainin' on 'em.



I think it'd be a good idea

if we changed places, don't you?



You be a passenger for a while now.

Up, up... I'lljust slide right...



- Oh, you got my hair.

- Sorry. I'll slide right under.



- Ooh, I don't know. Wait. Wait. Waitl

- I got it. I got itl



- Wait a minutel

- Wait a minutel



Hold itl I'm stuck here.

This is not workin'.



- I got my foot on the...

- Goddamn itl I seen it in the moviesl



Oh, my Godl



(JUSTICE) Duck, or you're gonna

be talkin' outta your assl



- Daddy, the top came off.

- No shit (?)



Snowmanl How are your vocal cords?



Well, my vocal cords are fine.

I'm a little worried about Fred now.



He's been gnawing everything, barkin' and

screamin'. He's turned into a stalk of bananas.



- What's your   ?

- About    miles this side of Mississippi.



Whoa, hold it. I just passed

another Kojak with a Kodak.



This place is crawlin' with bears.

Where the hell are you? Come back.



I'm still tryin' to get rid of that Texas County

mountie. I don't know what the hell he wants.



You know what he wants. How would you like

to be the dude that handcuffs a legend?



Give me five minutes, we'll put some moves

on that mother. I'll meet ya at Old Miss.



You'd better hurry, or we can just kiss

that money goodbye. Understand?



I read you loud and clear.   - .



You got the one Snowman.

I'm eastbound and down.



We gone, killer.



That's the way I wanna go out.

Hey, man, watch itl






- What the hell was that?

- A left, or half a 'u'.



Well, please don't do it anymore.



Hey, you know who that was?

Check this out.



Bandit, this here's the Grave Robber.



Put the pedal to the metal, and we'll hold

this county mountie as long as we can.



- Well, go, girl, gol

- I'm goin'I I'm goin'I



I've got the metal to the pedal,

and the thing to the floor...



Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?



If they had cremated the son of a bitch,



I could've been kickin' that Mr Bandit's

ass around the moon by now.



Hold my hatl



- My hat blew off, Daddy.

- I hope your goddamn head was in it.



- OK. We're gonna switch.

- OK.



I'm comin' over underneath you.

You just slide right on over.



I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.



Close. Colourful, but close.



I like this seat better anyway.



Yes, have a smoke. It seems to help.



Come on, defencel



Come on, Billy Ray, get toughl



You know, I wanted to be

a high-fashion model once.



But, hell, how long can you

model clothes for  -year-olds? Boys.



Besides that my cheeks were too fat.

These cheeks, these.






- Oh, my goodness, we're airborne here.

- Jesus Christl



- Oh, look, a football gamel

- There's kidsl For Christ's sake, watch outl



- Don't hit the kidsl

- Get your hands off my wheel!



Lean to the left, lean to the right...



Stand up there and see if you can see

where the hell they went.



- Can you see anything?

- It's a football game. Can we watch, Daddy?



- You stay and watch. I'm goin' backl

- But, Daddy...



Bandit, you're reckless

and you live much too hard



Oughta be in Nashville.



(BANDIT) Snowma n, are ya out there, son?

What's your   ? Where are you?



I'm at mile marker   . Come back.



Son-of-a-gun! So am I!



Well, damned if ya ain't.

Damned if ya ain't.



Cledus... This is Frog.



Hello, Frog. I want you

to meet Fred, Frog.



- This is for Fred.

- Frog, feed Fred.



What's wrong with you? You were gonna

dump the chick at the truck stop.



- I ran into complications.

- You always run into complications.



Always the same, some chick.

We ain't doin' good time.



- What are we yappin' for?

- It's the chick.



- Switch down to the next channel, right?

- Yeah.




Hey, Bandit? Nice ass.



- Thanks a lot.

- Thanks a lot.



All right Fred. Come on.

Let's go, boy. Come on.



Fred, I'm tired of pickin' you up... Fredl



- Did Cledus call you a legend?

- Uh-huh.



- Why?

- Well, I used to do some crazy things.



- I used to.

- Oh.



So did I.



One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.



One, two... I'm a gypsy... four.



That's someone who goes from chorus line

to chorus line... six, seven, eight.



- You know, I was on Broadway once.

- Really?



- For almost    minutes.

- Oh.



The show closed the first night.



But, God, I was so good. You shoulda

seen me. You'd have loved me.



What do you do? Straight.



I just go from place to place

and... do what I do best.



- What's that?

- Show off.



Yeah. You do do that well.



You do.



So do I.

Five, six, seven, eight.



- For almost    minutes.

- Oh, shut upl



Come here, Fred. Come here, boy.

Fred, don't you make me come after you.



Get over here, Fredl Come here.



I'm in a hurry, and you want to swim.

You're drivin' me crazy, Fred.






What is the matter with you, Fred?

That's it for you and the truck drivin'I



Look, I've got to go   -   .

Could I have a dime?



- Crawl under.

- Terrific



"Crawl under."



- TransAml What's your pleasure?

- Fill it up, my man.



Gimme that talker.



Hello? Mr Bandit?



Would you just happen

to be listenin' out there?



Can you hear me, boy?



This is the Bandit.

Who've I got at that end?



This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice

of Texas.



Well, hot damn.

Welcome to Mississippi, Sheriff.



Thank you, Mr Bandit.



And I got a big welcome waitin' for you

when I get you back home,



you sombitchl



Don't you cuss

on this here radio.



I apologise to all the friendly folk

who are listenin'.



Now hear this, you tick turd:

I'm gonna get you.



I didn't come all the way this far

to go home with empty pockets.



I been meanin' to ask you that.

How come you're followin' me?



I'd be delighted to tell you, Mr Bandit.



You see, when I get you back home,



I'm gonna find the tallest tree

in the country,



and then I'm gonna hang you from it



- Sheriff?

- I'm listenin'.



Do the letters F.O.

mean anything to you?



Smart aleck.



You keep this one for yourself.



- Have a smooth ride, Mr Bandit.

- Thank you, partner.






Snowma n, I'm right beside you.



Looks like we got a clear shot

all the way to the 'Bama state line.



(CLEDUS) Oh, a clear shot?

I'm gonna believe that when I see it



This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice

puttin' out an all-point advisory.



That black TransAm is now

headed toward Alabama.



What happened, Daddy?



Get back in the goddamn car.



You know who I feel has revolutionised

the American musical theatre?



- Stephen Sondheim.

- Yeah?



- Who's that?

- Stephen Sondheim?



- Does he do a lot of musicals and stuff?

- Yeah.



- He ever do anything with Brenda Lee?

- Does she dance?



- She spins. She's a little spinner.

- Oh, they were a good group.



- The Spinners were good. Yeah.

- Yeah.




Have you ever been in any plays?



Holy shit. We got

a lot of company up there.



A lot of company.



- Sarge, here he comes.

- Yeah, I got eyes.









- Are you ready, Roy?

- I was born ready.



Don't just stand there. Go get himl



- Drives pretty good, don't he, Sarge?

- We'll see about that.






- Sarge, you OK?

- You see me movin', don't ya?



- Wanna do a little pond hopping, Frog?

- Uh... Swell.









Now, I know you're

in a little distress here,



but did you see

a black TransAm go by?



He caused all of this, the Bandit.

Ain't he somethin'?



The Bandit ain't nothin'.

He's a mental case.



Good shitl






I saw that you sombitchl



You did that on purposel



You're goin' away till you're greyl



I got the evidencel

Put the evidence in the car.



- But, Daddy...

- Put the evidence in the carl



I'm gonna barbecue

your ass in molassesl



Put the evidence in the back.



There's no way, no way...



that you could come from my loins.



When I get home, the first thing I'm gonna

do is punch your mama in the mouth.



l-I'll be with you

in a moment, young man.



Bandit, honey, this is the Good

Witch of the North speakin'.



You'd better not come this way.



There's been a little

fender bender here on   .



- Snowman, you copy that?

- Yeah, I got a four on that.



That'll work for me, 'cause I need to pull off,



suck up a little go-go juice

and put some groceries down my neck.



Y'all be careful

and I'll catch ya later.



- One Snowman. I'm playin' on the side.

- We'll be   -   on the side.



Lady, don't you know

you're supposed to signal?



Oh? Really?



They call you the Bandit



An outlaw untamed



Shackled only by freedom



You wear no man's chain



We got some time.

You wanna stretch your legs, Frog?



Some say they despise you



Well, maybe they do



But deep down inside them



I bet they wish they were you



Fill her up, hoss.



Come on, Frederick.

Come on, boy, my boy.



Let's go get some

of Lamar's greasy spoon.



I'm gonna put you

on a diet Fred. Mercy.



Come on, Fred. Come on, boy.






Come on, boy.



Lamar, surprise.

Look who's here.



- I knew you was comin'.

- Hi, Snowman.



What do you mean,

you knew I was comin'?







Lamar, you're rotten

to the core, you know that.



About as rotten as that food

you've been poisonin' me with...



- How many do you want?

- I don't know. Fix the same thing.



Just cook the onions this time.



- How have you been, Sugar Bear?

- Pretty good. You, Snowman?



Oh, pretty good,

considering the shape I'm in.



Say hello to Waynette.

Looks like old Fred's gettin' fat.



Yeah, tell me about it. It damn sure

ain't from eatin' the food at this joint.



- Tell me about that.

- I know it.



By the way, where did you get

all them warthogs back there?



Damn if I know. They slid

in here a little while ago.



I'm gonna slide on out.

Catch you later, Snowman.



Yeah, why don't you just leave me?



Yes, operator?



This is a collect call

from Cledus Snow.



No, I am not Hank Snow's brother. No.



Hey, sugarbabe, how you doin'?



- Could I ask you something?

- Sure.



Do you think we have

anything in common?



Besides being chased around

the country in that feckuckteh car?






Like what?



Have you ever seen

the Broadway show Chorus Line?






You like Elton John?






- Do you know who Casey Tibbs is?

- Baseball player.



- Close. Richard Petty?

- No.



- Waylon Jennings? No.

- No.



When you tell somebody somethin',



it depends on what part of

the United States you're standin' in...



as to just how dumb you are.



Mr Bandit, you have a lyrical way

of cutting through the bullshit.



And you have a unique way with

the English language, Miss Frog.



Bandit steals a lady's heart



With only a smile



- Don't you take that hat off for anything?

- Sure.



I take it off for one thing,

and one thing only.



And you live much too hard



Bandit, you're the joker



- If we were lost on a desert island together...

- Yes?



Do you think we'd get along

and talk and... things?






Yeah, we'd get along.



It'd never be boring, I can tell you that.

It would never be boring.



Take your hat off.



If you want to.



They call you the Bandit



I want to.



They call you the Bandit



They call you the Bandit...



- No. Honey, we'll be home in a little while.

- Heyl



Is this your goddamn mutt?



Honey, I got... I gotta go.

Yeah, I gotta go... Bye.



- Yeah, that's my dog. Yeah.

- Well, he just bit me.



- Fredl Come here, Fred.

- I said... He just bit me.



- Put the son of a bitch out of his misery.

- Let's roast him.



- That's not a bad idea.

- Eat him.



I don't think Fred bit you, mister.

Fred absolutely don't like grease.



Gearjammer, huh?

King of the road, huh?



- It's time to get out.

- That's a big   - .



How much do I owe you, Billy?



-   ...   .

- Never mind, just keep the change.



Sorry what happened, Snowman.



It's OK, Lamar.






Far out.



What the hell is this,

a drive-in movie?









Get off of there, you schnauzer's titl















- How do, Officer. My name's...

- I don't care if it's Broderick Crawford.



Don't you know you can't drive

a piece of shit like that on the highway?



I'll thank you not to use

that kind of language in my presence.



Never mind that crap.

What the hell is this?



- This is evidence.

- Evidence?



I don't care what it is. You can't drive

this piece of shit on my highway.



I'm tellin' you for the last time.



I have my young son in the car,

and I don't wanna hear that kinda language.



- Lookl I'm askin' you one single, goddamn...

- Hold itl



Hold itl



Don't you ever, ever

raise your voice to mel



Do you know who you're talkin' to?



I happen to be Buford T. Justice,



a distinguished officer

of over    years' seniorityl



One of the most highly respected

law-enforcement agents...



in the United States of America.



That vehicle happens to be

evidence, valuable evidence,



that's going to convict a maniac

that I've been tryin' to apprehend



and that I have been

in high-speed pursuit of



for     miles.



He is wanted for the Mann Act,




and the attempted murder

of over    brother officers.



Sir, I'm sorry. I had no idea.



It never occurred to me... Well, please, sir,

you proceed immediately, and...



I hope you'll accept my apologies

for my profanity.



Apology accepted.




How about you, Bandit?

You copy this Snowman? Come on.



I got ya, son. Come on back.



You ain't gonna believe this,

but I just did my imitation of Joe Palooka.



I went a few rounds with some dudes

at this eat-'em-up joint.



Oh, I believe anything you tell me.

How'd ya do, same as always?



Yeah, about normal. I lost.



We also lost a lot of valuable time.

We gonna really have to cook.



- Is that a   - ?

- That's a big   - .



Actually, my heaviest relationship

was with an acid-rock singer...



named Robert Crumly.



We were together... eight and a half days.

God, I really thought that was it.






One day I came home

and found him in the shower...



...with a girl...

and her motherl



Well, at least

he kept it in the family.



You have a wonderful way

of putting things.



- So did he.

- Oh, yes.



Breaker one-nine.

This is the Bandit



I'm lookin'for a west-bounder

on highway   .



I need a smokey report,

and I need it bad, son.



This is Foxy Lady, Bandit.

We heard you were comin' by,



and we decided we'd take care

of those bears for you.



- You know, a little "personalised service".

- Send me the bill, Foxy Lady.



Better yet, why don't you

come by and pay up in person?



I'll catch you on the flip side, darlin'.

I'm too pooped to pop.



- Daddy, listen.

- Shut upl



But I'm just ahead of you.



I'm at mile marker   .

Come on by, Bandit.



All right you talked me into it.



Now I got that sombitch,

and I got him with his fly open.



- What do we do when we get home?

- Go to bed. For a week.



Good idea.



- And sleep.

- Wanna bet?



Orville, you seen that new waitress

at the diner, Arlene?



- She's got some nice legs.

- I'd like to take a run on her.



- Oh, man, what are you talkin' about?

- I'm tellin' ya.



Let me tell you somethin' about that.

She makes herself...



- Feel lucky?

- Let's get him.



This is car four.

We're in pursuit of the black TransAm.



It's the Bandit



Eastbound and down

loaded up and truckin'



We gonna do

what they say can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm eastbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Oh, shit.



Breaker one-nine.

Breaker one-nine.



I see a portable gas station

ahead of me. Do you copy?



Is this Bandit? This is Mr B., gearjammin'

this rollin' refinery. You got a smokey?



This is the Bandit, son. Can we

slide right into your convoy there?



Come ahead, Bandit. We'll slip you into

the rockin' chair, play a little hide-and-seek.



The welcome mat is out,

and you're comin' home.



  - .



- We're going in the rocking chair, honey.

- Good.



Trucks, I love 'em. I love 'em.



This is not a convoy.

This is a dream.



- They can see right down into this carl

- Well, so what?



That's why I used to love to drive

those trucks, darlin'. Spot those beavers.



- Safe as in your mother's womb, darlin'.

- Is that right?



Son, never mind them brakes



Let it all hang out

'cause we got a run to make



The boys are thirsty in Atlanta

and there's beer in Texarkana



And we'll bring it back

no matter what it takes



Eastbound and down

loaded up and truckin'



We gonna do

what they say can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm eastbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Old Smokey's got them ears on

he's hot on your trail



He ain't gonna rest

till you're in jail



So you gotta dodge him

you gotta duck him



You gotta keep

that diesel truckin'



Just put that hammer down

and give it hell



Thank you, Mr B.

I don't know how to thank ya.



You can thank me

by not gettin' caught.



Have a good day and a better one

tomorrow, good buddy.



Hey, Bandit,

this is Little Beaver.



Put your foot on the floor.

We got your back door, and I'm clear.



That's a   - .

Snowman, you got your ears on, son?



You've got him, you lucky devil.



You're about to come up on a convoy.



Keep your rubber band

stretched real tight.



  -    - .

I'm bringin' it, son. I'm clear.



Eastbound and down

loaded up and truckin'



We gonna do

what they say can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm eastbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Keep your foot hard on the pedal,

son, never mind them brakes



Let it all hang out

'cause we got a run to make



The boys are thirsty in Atlanta

and there's beer in Texarkana



And we'll bring it back

no matter what it takes



Eastbound and down

loaded up and truckin'



We gonna do

what they say can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm eastbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



I don't care if you're the Governor of Texas.

You're makin' a big mistake.



Read him his rights, Junior.



You have the right to remain silent.



Anything you say may be held

against you in a court of law. And...



What's all this about?



Oh, hello, Officerl

Glad you're here to assist me.



My name is Sheriff Buford T. Justice.



I have just apprehended the Bandit.



No, sir. You just apprehended my captain.



- Take the cuffs off, Junior.

- But, Daddy, we just...



Take the cuffs off, you moose twit.



May I express my feelings

about inconveniencing you...



But if you gonna hang out

in these kinda joints...



wear a badge on your didie.









Oh, no.



Hey, Bandit. Listen to this.






You know who that is?

That's Mr Evel Knievel.



He snuck in my back door

when I wasn't lookin'.



Give me a hand, or we gonna be

in a heap of trouble.



- Please roger that transmission.

- Hold on to Fred. Here comes the cavalry.



- Howdy, Officer.

- How ya doin'?



Give me your licence and manifest, boy.

You know you was goin'    miles an hour?



- I was doin'   ...

- You're damn right you was.



I didn't know this truck could do   .



The judge gets to you, he's gonna

turn you every way but loose.



It's time you truckers learn

these roads don't belong to you.






You be careful, you hear?









- Whoa. Want a little piece of advice, Bandit?

- Yeah. Lay it on me, son.



Don't take your foot off of that hammer.

Them bears'll pour over you like maple syrup.



- You all right?

- Yeah.



- Don't you know this ain't Saturday?

- Thanks a lot.



We don't need assistance.

I've got him in my sights.



Headquarters, disregard

my last transmission.






Son... you reckon you can

let me off at the next exit?



- Go get your daddy a beer.

- OK.



...I understand every cop

in the state's after him.



- Stay   -  . I'll let you know.

- That's a big   - .



Damn, he's been stirring up some trouble.






Ooh, it's the Banditl



(WOMAN) I'm Hot To Trot Just tell me how

I can help and I'm with ya, body and soul.



- Channel clear.

- Breaker one-nine, breaker one-nine.



Is that Hot Pants Hilliard

yakkin' out there?



- And who wants to know?

- This is the Bandit, darling.



Well, where are you,

you bodied-up, smooth-talkin' thing?



And how can I help?

Bring it back.



You still workin' at that

choke-and-puke on West   ?



Affirmative, affirmative.

I'm still dishin' it out.



We'll come screamin' by in five minutes

with a herd of smokeys on our ass.



How 'bout gettin' those pallies

of yours out there, block 'em off?



Love tol But hey,

you're gonna owe me one.



- I owe you a big one.

- That's a big   - .



  - .



All right gang, we're gonna go

for a big smokey red   . Wahool



- Ride with me?

- Yeah.



- You sure we ain't gonna get in trouble?

- Nah. I've done it before.






- We're comin' at you, darlin'. Are you ready?

- Ready, willin' and able.



"Ready and willing." Ha.

She always was.



(HOT PANTS) OK, gang, be alert,

'cause here he comes.



- Well, go ahead and answer.

-   -  Hot Pants. We copy.



Let go of the button.










Paydirt. I just picked up

the Bandit eastbound on   .



All units converge.



I copy, Chopper One.

I'm on my way.



Heading for the fairgrounds!






This is car    Bobby Lee,

and I have him westbound on   .






- Cledus, where the hell are we?

- Four miles to go, good buddy.



- Four miles. Goddamn itl

- Four miles...



Bo, did you count on this?



I mean, all of this?



No, I didn't, honey.



- Cledus?

- Talk to me, my boy.



Goddamn it, son,

we gave it our best shot.



I don't like this any more

than you do, but...



We ain't gonna make it, son.

We're gonna hang it up.



Whoa, negatory, negatoryl

You crazy or somethin'?



We come this far, ain't we? When we say

we gonna do a job, we do a jobl



It's me they're after. They don't

even know Cledus Snow exists.



Oh, they don't?

Well, I'll tell you what we gonna do.



We gonna introduce 'em to the boy.

So move over, good buddy,



'cause the Snowman is comin' through.

Hold on to your ass, Fred.






Hot damn, we're gonna make it.









Move them vehicles.

We gotta get throughl



Here they comel















Daddy, you're about to have

your evenin' ruined for you.






- OK.

- All right.



- We're in trouble.

- I know we're in trouble.



- What time is it?

- (ENOS) One minute after.



- Goddamn, we're    minutes early.

- We're in troublel



We need a way out of here.

We need the money.



Here's my Cadillac That'll leave me

with an even dozen. Good luck, son.



- Cledus, get the money.

- How 'bout the money?



- How 'bout double or nothin'?

- How 'bout forgettin' it?



What about double or nothin'?



You run up to Boston,

bring back some clam chowder.



- You're on.

- Uh, you're on.



- In    hours?

- You're still on.



Y-y-you're crazyl

And I'm divorcedl



And you... Ain't half bad, is it?






   to one

I break the son of a bitch this time.






Gimme     on the Bandit.



Apprehend that horse ass

for reckless drivin'I



- But, Daddy, he's...

- Do what I tell you, you pile of monkey nutsl




Sheriff Buford T. Justice, please.



- Who there?

- This is Bandit Darville talkin'.



Where are you, you sombitch?



Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff,

there's just one thing I wanna say.



You must be part coon dog,

'cause I been chased by the best of 'em,



and son, you make 'em look

like they're all runnin' in slow motion.



- I just wanna say that.

- Well, thank you, Mr Bandit.



And as the pursuer, may I say you're

the goddamnedest pursuee I ever pursued.



Now that the mutual bullshit is over,



where are you, you sombitch?



I'm right down at the bottom of the hill.

I'm six-foot-eight in a cowboy outfit.



I got a little pygmy standing beside me

dressed like me. You can't miss me.



  - .



Wait a minute.

Scratch that. Hold it.



I can't lie to you, Sheriff. You're too good

a man. Look over your left shoulder.






We're on our way to Boston

to get some clam chowder. Bye-bye.



- No hard feelings, Juniorl

- I'm not givin' upl



I'm never gonna give upl

I'll get you, you sombitchl



Daddy, wait for mel Don't leave mel

Who's gonna hold your hat?



Eastbound and down

loaded up and truckin'



We gonna do

what they say can't be done



We've got a long way to go

And a short time to get there



I'm eastbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Keep your foot hard on the pedal,

son, never mind them brakes



Let it all hang out

'cause we got a run to make



Those boys are thirsty in Atlanta

and there's beer in Texarkana



And we'll bring it back

no matter what it takes



Eastbound and down

loaded up and truckin'



We gonna do

what they say can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm eastbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run



Old Smokey's got them ears on

he's hot on your trail



He ain't gonna rest

till you're in jail



So you got to dodge him

you got to duck him



You've got to keep

that diesel truckin'



Just put that hammer down

and give it hell



Eastbound and down

loaded up and truckin'



We gonna do

what they say can't be done



We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there



I'm eastbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run


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