So I Married An Axe Murderer Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the So I Married An Axe Murderer script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mike Myers movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of So I Married An Axe Murderer. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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So I Married An Axe Murderer Script





Excuse me, miss.

There seems to be a mistake.



I ordered the large cappuccino.






-Look at the size of this.

-It's a bowl.



It's like Campbell's cup-o-ccino.



My sides. Please. Aidez-moi.



So Tony...



...what's with your clothes?






You look like you're in

Starsky and Hutch.



-I look hip.

-No, no, no.



More like an undercover cop

trying to be.



-I am a cop trying to look hip.

-Can you do me a favour?



When you go to my parents'

don't dress like a      s pimp.



My parents are a little eccentric.



This poem is called, "An Apology

To The Aliens Who Abducted Me...



...and Whom I lnflicted

Destruction Upon...



...While Having a Panic Attack

Aboard the Ship."






-What are you gonna do tonight?




...l'm gonna do a poem about Sherri.



-The "Woman, Woe Man, Whoa Man" poem.




Tell me again.

Why did you break up with Sherri?



Tony, I told you already,

she's a thief.



-You don't honestly believe that?

-Tony, she's a klepto.



To this day I still don't know

where my cat is.



Charlie, every time

you meet a nice girl...


            get paranoid and break up.

-That's not true.



-I broke up for good reasons.





-What about Jill?



She was in the Mafia.



-She was in the Mafia?

-Yes, the Cosa Nostra.



-I never knew how she made a living.

-She was unemployed.



-She didn't work.

-That's a perfect cover.



All right. What about Pam?



She smelled like soup.



-What does that mean?

-Like beef-vegetable soup.




-You weren't there.



It's all in your head.



It is.



-I'm up. Wish me luck.

-Good luck.



Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it

for our own Mr. Charlie MacKenzie.






Woe man



Whoa man



She was a thief

You gotta believe



She stole my heart and my cat









Josie and those hot Pussycats



They make me horny

Saturday morny



Girls of cartoons

Won't leave me in ruins



I want to be Betty's Barney



Hey, Jane, get me off

This crazy thing...



... called love







Can I help you?



-Yes, do you have haggis?

-Yes, we do. One?



Yes, please.



My parents are Scottish.



That will be $   .  .



Here you go.



Thank you.



-Will there be anything else?

-No, thanks.






May, get in here!



All right, May, turn off

the Bay City rollers!



The soccer game's about to begin!







We're in here, son!




-How's it going, William?



Give your mother a kiss,

or I'll kick your teeth in.



Hi. Hey!



May. Shut it!



-How you doing, Dad?




-Come on, Charlie.

-Away you go with your mother.



Why don't you try one

of her bras on, wee girl?



Flaunt away, you fairy!



Hey, Mom.



I brought you guys a haggis.



That's sweet of you, son.

Thank you.



I haven't seen one of these for years.



Actually, I hate them.

But your father will--



Look. He's giving Tony all that

Lyndon H. LaRouche rubbish again.



It's a known fact, Sonny Jim,

that a secret society...



...of the five wealthiest people,

known as the Pentavirate...


            everything in the world,

including the newspapers...



...and meet tri-annually at a secret

mansion in Colorado known as...



-..."The Meadows."

-Who's in the Pentavirate?



The Queen, the Vatican,

the Gettys, the Rothschilds...



...and Colonel Sanders,

before he went tits-up.



I hated the Colonel,

with his wee beady eyes...



...and that smug look on his face.

"You're gonna buy my chicken. Oh!"



Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?



He puts addictive chemicals

in chicken...



...making you crave it fortnightly,




Interesting. Cuckoo.



Charlie, would you like a juice?



Look at what I've bought myself,

a Juice Tiger.



-A Juice Tiger?

-Yes, I juice everything now.



I'm on a new diet.



I'm on a Weekly World News

Garth Brooks Juice Diet.






-Margin, one-nil!

-Magic goal!



Let's have a look at the replay.



William, move your head.



Look at the size of that boy's head.



It's like an orange on a toothpick.



-You'll give him a complex.

-That's a huge noggin.



It's a virtual planetoid.

Has its own weather system!



Head! Move!



-Your Sherri's late.




...Sherri and I broke up.



Not Sherri?



I liked Sherri.



I didn't like the other girls

you brought home.



-Don't make it any harder for me.

-Why should I make it easier, son?



You were good together,

you and Sherri.



-I thought you'd marry.

-You know I'm terrified of marriage.



I know that, son. I know that.



Maybe it's better not to marry.

Did you read the paper?




-No? Where did I put it?



Stuart! Bring in the paper!



All right, hon!



Head! Paper! Now!



Move that melon of yours

if you can.



Hauling that gargantuan cranium about.



No kidding. His head's like Sputnik.



Spherical, but pointy in parts.



That was offside, wasn't it?



He'll be crying himself to sleep

tonight on his huge pillow.



Mom, why do you refer to

Weekly World News...


            "the paper"?

The paper contains facts.



This paper contains facts.



And this paper has the eighth-highest

circulation in the whole wide world.



Plenty of facts.

" Pregnant Man Gives Birth."



That's a fact.



Here it is, look. Read this.



" Mrs. X. The honeymoon murderer."



She marries men under fake identities

and then she murders them.



She's murdered three men already.

Victim number one was a lounge singer.



Victim number two,

a Russian martial arts expert.



And she's also killed a plumber

named Ralph Elliot.



And her whereabouts are unknown.



Give us a kiss, Tony,

and cheer me up. Good night.



Wow, you've turned into a sexy

wee bastard. You know that?



Thanks, Mrs. MacKenzie.



-Hasn't he?

-I think so.



-Good night, Mom.

-Good night, Charlie.



-Good night, Dad.

-Fine, go. You've stayed your hour.



Ooh, yes.



-Morning, Charles.

-Morning, sir.



Are you working on the forms

for the vendor--?



Yes, captain.



Tony? Tony?



I don't want to intrude,

but you seem a little down.



Well, captain, it's about my job.



I'm having doubts about being a cop.



It's not like how it is on TV.



I fill out forms and paperwork

all day.



Point well taken, but even though

it's not exciting...


           's very important.



Yeah, but of all my times as a cop,

I've never....



I never chased a guy

across a crowded square.



I've never hung onto that part of

the helicopter. You know that part?



-You know?

-I know it.



I've never hung onto that

or even commandeered a vehicle.



-That sounds like a lot of fun.

-That's the other thing.



You're too nice.



-I'm too nice?

-Yes, you're too nice.



Why not be like a

Starsky and Hutch captain?



Where you haul me in your office

and bawl me out...



...because you're tired of defending

me from the commissioner.



The truth is, I report to a committee.



Some are appointed, elected,

or co-opted biannually.



-It's a quorum, so to speak.

-A quorum?



I thought I was gonna be Serpico...



...but instead I'm like Fish

from Barney Miller.



Hey, somebody needs a hug.






Okay, coming up.




-Haggis, right?



Yeah, I'm the guy

who ordered the haggis.



-Can I ask you a question?




-Do you like haggis?

-No, it's repellent.



I think Scottish cuisine

is based on a dare.



-I'm next.

-You're next.



Yes, can I help you?



I'll tell you how you can help me.

All I want is one New York steak...



...a quarter-inch thick.

That's all. No more, no less.



-Get it and let me out.

-I'm really busy. Be right back.



-It's busy, hey?

-It's insane today.



My dad's a butcher,

and I used to work at his shop.



-I can help you.

-I'd love some help.



-Great, what's your name?





-Hi, Harriet.



-Could you get four porterhouses?




Just kidding.






So do you live in New York?






Just tell me if that's too tense.

You guide me. You guide me.



Mom, can you get the school nurse?



Get the school nurse! Help me!



It was an accident in shop.



Get me a tourniquet?




Thanks for helping me out

at the butcher shop.



-You were really nice.

-Oh, I was nice?



" Nice." Evidently you think of me

as a woman friend.



-And what is wrong with being nice?








-Name a bad thing you've done.

-I've done bad things.



Tell me one bad thing you've done,

and it better be evil.



-How evil?

-Really evil.



So evil that you would

say it was "e-vil."



Like it's "the fruits of the De-vil."

" E-vil."



For example, how many people

have you brutally murdered?



" Brutal" is a very subjective word.



What's brutal to one person

might be reasonable to somebody else.



Excuse me.



Do you know Russian?






Oh, this hurts. No, this is hard.



Not only are you

extremely good-looking...



...but you're also very smart

and that's no fair.



-That's hard.

-Bright women intimidate you?



No, no. Not at all.



But it's a shame I'm going

to have to destroy you.



-Charlie, come here!




...l am coming.



Expand, contract, expand.



What do you look for

in a woman you date?



I know everyone always says

sense of humour...



...but I have to go with breast size.



Oh, my God.



Come! Let us dance like

children of the night.



-Here we are.

-Wow! What a great place.



-Some tea?




Well, show yourself around.



You know what this place needs?

A large poster of Atlantic City.



Oh, look, you got one!



I used to live there.

I have herbal teas:



Cubby Wubby Womb Room tea...



-...and Morning Thunder.

-I'll go with Cubby Wubby.



All right, thanks.



What's this?






I had a friend who was

a martial arts expert and....



-Oh, you had a friend?

-It's a martial arts thing.



I thought it would

look good on the wall.



It does.



You know, Scotland has

its own martial arts.



It's called " Fuck You!"



It's mostly head-butting

and kicking people on the ground.



-It's late.

-Not for me.



-Who for, then?

-Who for, then, what?



If not for you,

I wonder who it is late for.



Not me, no.

I like the nightlife.



I like to boogie.



I'll make the tea, then.



You know...



...maybe it is late.



I'll be honest with you.

I had a great time tonight...



...and I'd really love to kiss you.



But if I kiss you, we'll end up on

the couch, and if we end up there...



...chances are we'll kiss

in the bedroom...



...and that's the part

I always rush into.



It's not a good idea to rush

into spending the night together.



I want to.



I have no problem with that.



You're it.



Come here!



Oh, no! Oh, God!












I will. I will.



Wait, not now! Not now!



Ralph! Ralph!






You were having a dream.



And you kept saying the name

" Ralph."




-Yeah, you kept saying " Ralph."



She's my friend.



She's your friend. Ralph.



"She" is your friend. Ralph.



Ralph. She.



I'm sorry!

I thought you were somebody else!









I'm Harriet's friend, Charlie.

You must be Ralph?



I'm Harriet's sister, Rose.



-She gave me a note to give to you.




" Dear Charlie,

I didn't want to wake you.



Make yourself at home

and thanks for the...


            dog. Harriet."



That's a very nice note.



-Let me make you some breakfast.

-I'd love to, but I'm running late.



How do silver-dollar pancakes...



...fresh orange juice, bacon

and Kona coffee sound?



It sounds great.



Sorry. I didn't have

those other things.



That's fine.

That other stuff will kill you.



Whereas Froot Loops are light

and reasonably high in fibre.



-I care for Apple Jacks a great deal.

-Got them.






So, is this your place?



No, this is our place.

Harriet's and mine.



She sort of comes and goes

but always ends up here.



She didn't speak of me?



No, she didn't "speak of you."



She mentioned a martial arts guy,

and there was discussion about Ralph?



Oh, really? She spoke about them?



She talked about the martial arts guy

and kind of shouted Ralph.



-Well, you know Harriet.

-Actually, I don't.



-But you did have sex with her.




I'm gonna go now.



I won't tell Harriet

that anything happened.



Well, Rose.



Nothing did happen.



Don't worry, Charlie.

Just be careful.



"Just be careful."



I had the greatest night of my life

last night.



-Sounds like you really like her.

-I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.



She is wonderful.

But we shouldn't talk about it.



I'll start analysing it,

and that's no good.



That is good. You should

just let it happen. Relax.



I am a park ranger,

and I will lead you on the tour.



All the rangers at Alcatraz

were once guards, myself included.



My name is John Johnson,

but everyone calls me Vickie.



Please follow me.



-I love Vickie. He's great.

-He's the best.



This is the main cellblock area.



Home to such famous criminals

as AI Capone...



...Mickey Cohen,

Joseph " Dutch" Cretzer...



...and Robert Stroud,

the famous Birdman of Alcatraz.



This time will be different.

If something happens, I'll let it go.



It's not my business.

For example, " Ralph."



She says " Ralph" in her sleep.

So what?






This cell's for

solitary confinement...



...that's come to be known

as "Times Square."



Make sure everyone gets a look.



So who's Ralph?



I don't know. More importantly,

I don't want to know.



That's good.



Did you and Harriet,

you know, last night?



Okay, dirtbag.



All you have to know is that Harriet's

a sweet and loving person.



Well, that's good. That's nice.



-And yes, we did.

-All right!



Close it up, close it up, close it up.



This is something the other

tour guides won't tell you.



In this cellblock,

Machine Gun Kelly...



...had what we call

in the prison system, a " bitch."



One night, in a jealous rage, Kelly

took a makeshift knife, or "shiv" ...



...and cut out the bitch's eyes.



-Another thing about Harriet I love--

-No, no.



And as if this wasn't enough

retribution for Kelly...



...the next day he and four

other inmates took turns pissing...



...into the bitch's ocular cavities.



This way to the cafeteria.



Tony, I'm really happy.



Please, don't let me screw

this one up.



-I'll try.




-That ocular cavity thing was--

-When he mentioned pissing into....



Okay, I got another one.

What's worse?



The cable goes out and you're left

with synchronized swimming...









You're stuck on the Bay Bridge

in traffic...



...and you've just had two strong cups

of coffee and three bran muffins.



-No, wait. I have a good one.

-Hello! Hello!



What's worse?

You go to your favourite restaurant...



...order your favourite meal,

take a bite...



...and under the steak

is a scabby Band-Aid.






Or being electrocuted.






That's it. I was electrocuted once.

It was horrible.



-Oh, well, that's....

-That's a crying shame.



Can we get our check, please?

Thanks a lot.






That was funny.



-I'll get that.

-No, I got it.



-I'll get it. Charlie.

-No, it's mine. No, no, no.



-I got it. I insist.

-No, no, no.



-" No" infinity.

-Come on.



-Negatory, good buddy.

-You're embarrassing me.



-I'll pick up the check.




You want to catch a cab?



-I'd like to walk.

-Come on, it's raining.



-I'd like to walk.

-Me too.



-All right. See you later.




Nice meeting you.



-Well, it's officially raining.

-It's just a drizzle.



You know, I love that you wanted

to walk in the rain.



I'm glad you're meeting

my parents tomorrow.



You know what, Charlie?



It's strange,

but I feel really safe with you.



Like in old movies

when people never left each other.



I mean, they stayed together forever.



It's a great house.



They moved in

the day they were married.



I'm throwing them

a   th wedding anniversary party.



Mom, Dad, we're here.









Is this the wee Harriet?

She's absolutely beautiful.



And you're very, very welcome.



I hope you hold on to this one.



You have the face of a wee angel,

do you know that?



I give! I give!

I'm Charlie's father.



Sorry. I'm sorry.

You surprised me. I'm sorry.



I like this one, Charlie.

She's quite a filly.



Charlie tells me you're a butcher.



Yes, I am a butcher.



Do you link your own sausage?



I do.



-Why don't you put your trousers on?

-Hold your horses.



Head! Pants! Now!



Why don't you come with me?



I have wonderful photos

of when he was a wee baby.



Like one of him shitting

his pants at Niagara Falls.



Come on, don't show her the pictures.



Lighten up, Charlie. You've got

a pickle up your ass again.



I'm going to the washroom, okay?



Evidently, I have a pickle up my ass.



-You'll be okay if I leave you?

-Fine. Don't worry about me.



Make sure there's enough paper.



And Charlie, light a match!



Are you away to crap, again?



What a cute baby Charlie was!



You okay in there?

You didn't fall in there, did you?



I can't believe the resemblance

between you and Charlie.



Thank you.



That's enough about us.

Tell me something about yourself.



Have you always lived

in San Francisco?



No, actually I moved around

quite a bit.



I had a really great time

with your family tonight.



Oh, great.



You know that martial arts

expert friend you had?



Was that here in San Francisco?



No, actually it was Miami.



Your family's really great, Charlie.



-When your mother took out--

-Was that before Atlantic City?



It's a period in my life that

I really don't like talking about.






I hated Atlantic City, Charlie.



It's a town full of gamblers

and lounge singers.






No. No.



Oh, Ralph.



Have you heard of this? Mrs. X.



She murders her husbands, then changes

her identity and marries again.



I never heard of it. So what?



I think I'm dating Mrs. X.






Two words. Therapy.



She told me she dated

a martial arts expert.



It says that one of the victims

was a martial arts expert.



Last night, she put a move

on my dad and tried to break his neck.



About       people

have tried to break his neck.



If they also say " Ralph" in their

sleep, it's a good start.



Look here, " Ralph Elliot.



Plumber from Dallas.

Missing since his honeymoon."



-Charlie, you're just getting scared.




-Harriet could be the one.




You suspect her, because

you're scared you'll marry her.



And to you that's death.



Come on, just read it, okay?



Read it. For me, just read it?



-" Larry Leonard, the croner..."




" ...made a name for himself...



...being able to sing, in six

languages, 'Only You."'



Does Harriet know

the words to "Only You"?



We haven't reached that critical...



..." Do you know the words

to 'Only You"' phase.



-So I'm afraid I'm not much help.




You gotta move past this!



I'm worried. You're living

according to the Weekly World News.



It's the  th highest circulating paper

in the world, I'll have you know.



Look, Tony, Mrs. X.



Please, look it up, okay?



For me? lndulge me?



There's no record of deaths.



All three were reported missing,

but so were their wives.



No picture of any brides.

For all we know, they just moved away.



That's true.

You're gonna have to realize that.



I would lie to you,

but Kathy always tells the truth.






You feel better now?



-I guess so.

-Good, good. Come on.



I'm Maureen O'Boyle.

Welcome to A Current Affair.



Tonight.: Amy, did she or didn't she?



Then, the reptile

that took Hollywood by storm.



"Iguana be in pictures. "



But first, the Justice Department

reports an alarming rise...



... in the number

of poisoning murders.



And that   %%% of the murders

occur within the family...



...a scourge which seems to be

reaching into every home.



Steve Dunleavy examines

poisoning murders. Steve.



The most common poisonings

occur between couples.



For reasons as varied

as insurance fraud, jealousy...



...and pure psychopathic behaviour.



I have a surprise for you.



What is it?



It's a health shake.



I made it especially for you.



Try it.



Thank you, no. Thanks.



You'll like it, Charlie.

Just take a sip.



I have kitten breath.

I'm just gonna go brush my teeth.



Why don't you just taste it?



It's got strawberries.

Taste it.



I spent    minutes making it.



-One little sip. It wouldn't hurt--

-I'm just gonna go.



Fine. Forget it. Forget it.



I'm sorry.



That's okay.



I'm just sensitive.



I mean, you didn't drink my shake.

So what? Right?



Look, you spent a half an hour on it.

I understand.



-Let's scratch.

-It's depressing.










Come on.

Let's do a little scratching.



There you go. Scratching.



-Golden Gate Bridge.




-Presidio. Union Square.

-Got it.



-Little Japan.

-Got it.



Union Square.



-Oakland. Oakland.




Can you reach around

and get Coit Tower?



-San Andreas Fault.




You know what I like best about you?



I can tell you anything,

and you don't judge me.



Have you ever stood

at the edge of a cliff...



...or subway platform with someone...



...and you thought

just for a split second:



What if I pushed him?



I follow the Judeo-Christian

ethic of "Thou shalt not kill."



-But that's just me.

-I'm just making a point...



...of how many times we trust

people with our lives.



I mean, look at us.



Look how vulnerable we are, sleeping.



I could do anything

to you in your sleep.



Like what?






You're on your side,

asleep, I could...



...stick a needle in your--



Charlie! Jesus!



I'm showing you we have

a good relationship!



I'm sorry, but I have an ear thing.



In an episode of Night Gallery,

this guy gets an earwig.



They said the good news

is, we got the earwig...



...but the bad news

is, it was a female.



-I'm sorry.

-Good night.



-I have an ear thing.

-Good night.



I'm sorry.



-I'm a human blanket.

-Get off. Just, good night.



Well, good night.



Can I help you?



I'd like to place an announcement.



It's my parents'   th anniversary.



That's $ .   per word...



...and you've got a choice

of standard or bold.



You having a busy week, Frank?



No, just these two.

It's been dead around here.



I got this tourist,

heart attack on a cable car.



Guy left his heart in San Francisco.



That's a real person

you're talking about.



All right, I'm sorry.



There's another one.

San Francisco plumber: Elliot, Ralph.



Disappeared four months ago.



The body was found in a sewer.



Guy takes his job too seriously,

life goes down the drain.



Did they mention his wife?



I know that we're talking

about real people here, so I'm sorry.



Seriously, did they mention the wife?



I'm sorry. I didn't mean

to joke about other people's lives.



I'm serious. Did they mention--?



You win, okay? I'm a bad person.



-Take it easy.

-No, he's saying I'm a shit.



Did they mention the wife?



Did they mention the wife!



No! They didn't mention the wife!

You happy?



Yes, I'm insensitive!

I'm a very insensitive man!



Stop! Look at the insensitive man!

That's why they pay you!



He was my ride home.






Why did you have to

see me so urgently?



You couldn't come to my place?



It's just safer here.



What? Charlie.



I'm sorry.



I think you're a terrific woman.



I just don't think we should

see each other.



Why? And tell me the truth.



I'm afraid that you're gonna k--

Leave me.



I'm gonna cleave you?



-What does that mean?

-No, leave me.



That you'll reject me.



So I just thought

I'd do a preemptive strike.



So you're rejecting me?



I didn't mean to hurt you.



I never wanted to hurt you.



Don't worry, you haven't.



At least you left early on.



So that's it, then?



Because I gotta get back to work.




Woe man



Whoa man



We had love not just sex

ls she Mrs. X?



I had to run for my life



Jane, get me off of this crazy thing



Called love






Not that it matters,

but I thought you'd like to know...



...somebody admitted murdering Ralph.



What about the others?



She just confessed to the one.



Anyway, crime to stop. Gotta go.

Catch you later.



-It's me, Charlie.

-Go away.



I gotta talk to you. I made a big

mistake. I'm an idiot.



I'll go into therapy, okay?



I'll go twice a week. I don't know

if insurance will cover it, but....



What is it?



Hi, Charlie.



I don't want to lose you.



You didn't. You rejected me.



Okay, I'm un-rejecting you.



You'll do it again, Charlie.

You'll do it again.



No, I'm not gonna do it again.



Look, I got scared, okay?



Things were going really good

and then I just got scared.



I love you.



I love you too.



But you blew it, Charlie.

You blew it.



Harriet, Harriet



Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis



Beautiful, bemuséd



Bellicose butcher












He wants you back

He screams into the night air



Like a fireman going to a window

That has no fire



Except the passion of his heart



I am lonely



It's really hard



This poem sucks



I'm sorry I didn't trust you.



Harriet, somebody's downstairs

to see you.



She'll be down in a moment.

And could you bring the car around?



Thank you so much. Bye-bye.



Charlie, come here.

I want you to meet a friend.



This is Ralph.



Ralph? Ralph? This is Ralph?



This is Ralph?



This is Charlie.



-Great to meet you.

-No, it's great to meet you.



Yes, I love you so much.



Oh, God!



I'm naked, aren't l?



Yes. Yes, you are naked.



I was just naked then.

Very nude.



Nice to meet you and call me?



I will.



Shut it!



I'd like to propose a toast.



To my wife, May.



Thirty years ago today,

May and I were married.



Some of you were there.

Some weren't born.



And some of you are now dead!



But we both said, " I do," and we

haven't agreed on a thing since.



That's true.



But I'm glad I married you...



...because it could have been worse.



And besides...



...l still love you.



Thank you.



Tony, would you like to dance?



Let's dance.



It must be a great feeling to have....



You okay?



No, I'm not.



Marry me.









Why not just live together?



We could live together first.

Let's just live together.



Because I love you.

We should get married...



...and spend the next    years

of our life together.



I want you to have my children.

And I want you to have your children.



That sounds like an awful

lot of children, but....



I love you.



I need you.



Let's just get married. Okay?





            my wife.



All right, everyone,

shut your cake hole!



I'd like to make a toast

to my son, Charlie.



Thanks for throwing this great party.



I hope you have the same

great    years that we've had.



To Charlie!






You will?



Let's get married, Charlie.



Now, Mr. MacKenzie, if you will

take this woman to be your wife...



...through thick and thin,

for better or for worse...



...please say " I do."



I do.



Now, Harriet, if you will take this

man through good times and bad...



...forever and ever as your

husband, please say " I do."



I do.



Now, Charlie,

kiss the beautiful bride.



Let's get pissed!



Hang a solo!



We have a piper who's down.

It's all right, he's just pissed.



We have a piper down.

I repeat, a piper is down.



This is such a great party.



-It is.

-The marriage was beautiful.



-It was.

-It was great.



Yeah. She's great, isn't she?



She's the best. She's incredible.



You've been such a chicken,

and finally, you met the one.



How could you think

she was a killer?



Come here, Charlie.

Come stand by me, Charlie.



Wait till you see this place.

It's called Poets' Corner.



A lot of the Beat

poets used to go there.



You're really quiet.



Oh, I'm just thinking.



Oh, okay. Well....



Why don't I do the talking

for you, all right?



Hi, my name is Harriet.



Hi, Harriet. How's it going?

Good, good, I suppose.



I think you're great, Charlie.

Everything you do is art.



You're a sex machine.

Get on the scene with the sex machine.



Thank you very much.

You're the best husband I ever had--



Why did you just say that?



It was a joke.



Why did you say it?



I thought it might be funny.



Nothing, I just think you're

a great person. That's all.






-You're the best.

-No, no, no! Watch out!



I hear you've been working

the Ralph Elliot case.



-Yes, captain.

-Don't "yes" me.



This is strictly homicide.



I got a friend--



We all got these friends.

I'm warning you.



Back off, ltalian boy. Keep

away from this. It's too big.



Wait a minute.



Trust me. I know what I'm

talking about. What's the news?



You want to hear news?

Here's the news.



The lady that confessed

to Elliot's murder has...



...confessed to other crimes.



I knew she would.



To the murders of Abraham Lincoln...



...Warren G. Harding,

and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase.



Oh, my God! I gotta go.



Screw this up, and you'll

be writing parking tickets forever.



Captain, I won't let you down.



Good for you. That was better.




-It was fantastic.



-The beginning felt good.

-It was great.



Too much in the end.



No, it was terrific.



-I need to save a life.

-I'll work on it.



Work on it, it was terrific.



It was a big improvement.






That is Ralph Elliot's wife.



Of course her hair

was much shorter then.



She's gained weight since then...



...but it's definitely her.



Yeah, that's her. He was

really in love with her...



...but I tell you, she was fun,

and smart. Doll-face too.



Thank you very much.



This is really cool.






Mr. and Mrs. MacKenzie,

enjoy your honeymoon.



When you leave, it'll be

far too soon.



That's great.



Four nights. Your dinner

reservations are at  :  .



Sounds great.



Put candles by the bed.

With a storm, we lose power.



That's cool. Did you

hear that? A storm.



A storm. We'll be

snugly inside and....



You okay?



I have a headache.

Excuse me, do you have a drugstore?



-I need aspirin.

-Up the stairs, Mrs. MacKenzie.



Don't move.



-You think she has a headache?




Nothing. Here's your key.

The Robbie Burns room.



Oh, thanks. Thank you.



-The circuits are down.

-Keep on trying.



Tell the chief I chartered a plane.



-Hey, paisan!




Screw up, I'll kick your

spaghetti butt back to Milan.



Not now. Not now.



-Too many ethnic slurs?

-It's not paisan, it's paisan.



Hey! Paisan.



How long is it gonna

take us to get there?



It shouldn't take very long.



Actually, I have no concept of time.



Jesus, is this dangerous?



No. Well, there's

chance in everything.



You've done this before, right?



Oh, yeah, yeah.

I do this all the time.



I've never done it at night.



Mr. and Mrs. MacKenzie,

glad to see you.



Follow me.



How do you know

where you're going?



Instruments. Instruments.



Oh, yeah? Yeah? What's that?



That's the artificial horizon, which

is better than the actual horizon.



You know, I'm gonna wash my hands.

All right? I love you.



Good evening.



Wake up!



Oh, man, I was having

an amazing dream.



I don't care about

your dream! Land the plane!



I was just born, and I was

eight-and-a-half months premature.



-The doctors were freaking out.

-Shut up.



Did I already tell you this dream?



Can I have your attention?

I have a few announcements.



Celebrating their   th

anniversary tonight...



...Mr. and Mrs. Seymour Levenstein.



How about a hand for them?



Thank you, thank you.



Twenty-five years ago,

they were here.



Speaking of new couples,

Charlie and Harriet MacKenzie.



-They look great.

-There's a phone call for you.



It is quite urgent.



Oh, thank you. Sorry. Hello.



-Charlie, you okay?

-Couldn't be better.



Charlie, listen to me.

Harriet is Mrs. X.



She killed those men.

I got a picture.



It's her, Charlie.

She's the murderer.



I called the police.

It'll take a while.



Just stay where you are.






Hold on one second. What should I do?



When the time comes,

you'll know.



Thanks, thank you.



Hello, hello, hello?!



Charlie? Charlie?!




-What happened?



The phone died!

I was talking, and it died.



It's common.

It will be out until tomorrow.



What happened?



Nothing. The phone lines went dead.



We wish a long and beautiful life.



We want to play

The Platters, "Only You."



You can't go. You have

to wait for the wedding dance.



We got a lot of traditions here.



Stop! Excuse me. I'm with the

San Francisco Police Department.



I need to commandeer this vehicle.






What do you mean, " No"?



I know you don't have the right

to commandeer my vehicle.



Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?






You're not gonna bend

on this thing, are you?







-Go ahead.



No, I don't want to. Charlie.



Help me! I've married a...



...wonderful person who I love

and adore. Who I want--



They've had enough of this crowd.



They have better things to do.



Let's put them in the honeymoon chair.



-We did it on our honeymoon.

-It's just fun.



No, I haven't had my dessert yet.



To the room! To the room!



Have a good night.



Stay for a nightcap?



No. You two want to be alone.



No, really. Stay for a nightcap.



I really shouldn't.



Stay for a nightcap!



Charlie, there's something

I've been meaning to tell you.



Harriet, l, l....



Charlie, I've been married before.



-Harriet, I already know that.

-You know about my husbands?






-Stay away from me!

-What are you doing?



Come on. Stay away from me.



You don't understand.

Give me the axe!



-Don't go!

-Get off me!



-Charlie! Don't go!

-Get off!



Would you mind not doing that?



This bothers you?



No, it's one of my favourite things.



Don't go! Charlie! Charlie!



Hello? Hello?!



" Dear Harriet. I just can't

handle the commitment.



It's too hard. I'm leaving you.



Love, Charlie"?

I didn't write this.



What the fuck?!






What's happening?!

Charlie, open the door!



-Rose tried to kill me.




Shut up! I wrote this note!



You're not to be here when...



...this note has been

placed on the desk!



Do you understand me? You

took her away from me, Charlie.



Like all the rest.



I have had it!



You are going to die.



Would you mind waiting?



I may need you to

help if I make an arrest.



I'll need a ride--



Shucks. Thank you.



What are you doing?!

Charlie, be careful.



Run, Charlie!



Stop it! Stop this, Rose!




Somebody! Help!






Is that you? Help! Hurry.



Hurry! I'm in here!

Who is it?!



Help! Who's there?!




I'm in the closet. Come here.

Tony! Open the closet.






Where are you going?



We gotta go on the roof.

Charlie and Rose are on the roof.



Charlie's on the roof!



-What're you doing?

-Shut up!



Let's just take this down a notch.



What you're saying is that

Rose killed your husbands...



...forged notes to make you

think they left?



Yes. Listen, that's them

up on the roof. Listen!



You don't get it, do you?



We can talk here, or we can

talk about it downtown.



-Charlie, I'm coming up!

-Hang on!






Charlie, be careful!






San Francisco police!



I got her, Charlie. I got her!



Don't let me fall!



Oh, sorry.



rose, jailbird



Happy in her cage

No longer full of rage



She roosts



Harriet, sweet Harriet



You acted cuckoo



'Cause you thought I would leave you

Sweet bird



Harriet, sweet Harriet



So knowing, so trusting



So lovéd



Harriet, sweet Harriet


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