Some Like It Hot Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Some Like It Hot script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Billy Wilder movie with Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Some Like It Hot. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Some Like It Hot Script





All right, Charlie.



- That the joint? Who runs it?

- l already told you.



- Refresh my memory.

- Spats Colombo.



- What's the password?

- ''I've come to Grandma's funeral.''



- Your admission card.

- Thanks, Charlie.



lf you want a ringside table,

just say you're a pallbearer.



We're all set. Whens the kickoff?



I'd better blow.

lf Colombo sees me, it's goodbye, Charlie.



Goodbye, Charlie.



Give me five minutes,

then hit 'em with everything you got.



You betcha.



Good evening, sir.



- I'm Mr Mozarella. What can l do for you?

- I've come to the old lady's funeral.



l haven't seen you at our services before.



- No, I've been on the wagon.

- Please.



Where is the wake?

I'm one of the pallbearers.



Show the gentleman into the chapel.

Pew number three.



Yes, Mr Mozarella. This way, sir.



Well, if you gotta go,

that's the way to do it.



Follow me, please.



- What'll it be, sir?

- Booze.



- Sorry. We only serve coffee.

- Coffee?



Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee,

sour mash coffee...



Scotch. Make it a demitasse,

with soda on the side.



Wait a minute. Haven't you got

a pew not so close to the band?



How about that one over there?



Sorry, but that's reserved

for members of the immediate family.






Hey, l want another cup of coffee.



l want another cup of coffee.



Better bring a check

in case the joint is raided.



- Who's gonna raid a funeral?

- Some people don't respect the dead.



Say, Joe. Tonight's the night, isn't it?



- I'll say.

- No, tonight we get paid.



- Why?

- I've got to see a dentist tomorrow.



You wanna blow

your first week's pay on your teeth?



Just a filling. Doesn't have to be gold.



How can you be so selfish? We owe rent.

We owe $   to Moe's Delicatessen.



The Chinese laundry is suing us.

We owe money to every girl in the line.



You're right. Tomorrow we'll pay

everyone something on account.



No. Tomorrow we go to the dog track

and bet it all on Greased Lightning.



- You'd bet my money on a dog?

- He's a shoo-in.



Max the waiter knows the electrician

that wires the rabbit.



- What are you givin' me with a rabbit?

- The odds are    to   .



- Suppose he loses.

- Why worry? This job'll last a long time.



- Suppose it doesn't.

- Jerry boy, why paint everyzhing black?



Suppose you got hit by a truck.

Suppose the stock market crashes.



Suppose Mary Pickford

divorces Douglas Fairbanks.



Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn.



Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.



Well, don't look now,

but the whole town is underwater.















All right, everybody. This is a raid.



I'm a federal agent.

You're all under arrest.



l want another cup of coffee.



All right, Spats.



- The services are over. Let's go.

- Go where?



A country club for retired bootleggers.

I'm puttin' you up for membership.



- l don't join nothin'.

- Oh, you'll like it there.



I'll get the prison tailor to fit you

with a pair of special spats - striped.



Big joke. What's the rap this time?



Embalming people with coffee.    proof.



Me? I'm just a customer.



Oh, come on, Spats. We know you own

the joint. Mozarella's just frontin' for you.



- Mozarella? Never heard of him.

- We got different information.



From who? Toothpick Charlie maybe?



Toothpick Charlie? Never heard of him.






Too smart to drink your own stuff, huh?



Come on. On your feet.



- You're wastin' the taxpayers' money.

- Call your lawyer if you wanna.



These are my lawyers. All Harvard men.



l wan' another cuppa coffee.



That solves one problem. Now we don't

have to worry about who to pay first.



- Quiet. I'm thinking.

- The landlady will lock us out.



At Moe's Deli no

more knockwurst on credit.



We can't borrow from the girls -

they're on the way to jail.



l wonder how much Sam the bookie

will give us for our overcoats.



Sam the bookie? Nothin' doin'.

You're not puttin' my overcoat on a dog.



- Jerry, l told you, it's a sure thing.

- We will freeze.



lt is below zero. We'll get pneumonia.



Look, stupid, he's   -  .

Tomorrow we'll have    overcoats.



Greased Lightning.



- l oughta have my head examined.

- l thought you weren't talkin' to me.



The bull fiddle's

dressed warmer than l am.



- Anyzhing today?

- Nothing.



Thank you.



- Anyzhing today?

- Nothing.



Thank you.



l can't go on, Joe. I'm weak from hunger,

l got a fever, l got a hole in my shoe...



lf you gave me a chance,

we could be living like kings.



- How?

- There's a dog running in the third.



Galloping Ghost. He's    -  and it's

his kind of a track. He's a real mudder.



What do you want from me?

My head on a plate?



No, your bass.

lf we hock that and my sax...



Are you crazy? We're up the creek

and you wanna hock the paddle.



All right, go ahead and starve.

What do l care? Freeze.



- Anyzhing today?

- Oh, it's you.



Well, you've got a lot of nerve.



Thank you.



Joe. Come back here.



Nellie, baby, if it's about Saturday night,

l can explain.



What a heel. l spend $ 

to get my hair marcelled,



l buy me a brand-new negligee,



l bake him a great big pizza pie.



- And where were you?

- Where were you?



- With you.

- Me?



Remember? You had this bad tooth.



lt was impacted. His jaw was swoll out.



lt was?



Oh, yeah.



- l took him for a blood transfusion.

- We have the same type blood.



- Type O.

- Oh?



- I'll make it up to you.

- You're makin' it up pretty good so far.



As soon as we get a job, I'll take you

to the swellest restaurant in town.



How about it? Has Poliakoff got

anyzhing for us? We're desperate.



Well, it just so happens

he is looking for a bass.



And a sax.









- What's the job?

- Three weeks in Florida.



At the Seminole-Ritz in Miami.

Transportation and expenses all paid.



Isn't she a bit of terrific?

Let's see Poliakoff.



- He's busy. You'll have to wait, boys.

- All right, we'll wait.



Look, Gladys, it's three weeks in Florida.



Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators.



They need a couple of girls

on sax and bass.



Whaddaya mean, who is it?

It's Poliakoff. l got a job for ya.



Gladys. Are ya there?







Played       hours at a marathon dance.



- Now she's in bed with nervous collapse.

- Tell her to move over.



And Cora Jackson?



Last l heard, she was playin'

with the Salvation Army.



Drexel     .



Those idiot broads.



Here we are, packed and ready to leave

for Miami, and what happens?



The sax runs off with a Bible salesman

and the bass gets pregnant.



Bienstock, l oughta fire you.



Me? I'm the manager,

not the night watchman.



Hello. Let me talk to Bessie Malone.



What's she doing in Philadelphia?



On the level?



Bessie let her hair grow

and is playing with Stokowski.



- Black Bottom Bessie?

- Schpielt zich mit der Philharmonic.



How about Rosemary Schultz?



Slashed her wrists when Valentino died.



We might as well do the same

if we don't find two dames by tonight.



We don't care where you find them.

Just get them on that train by   o'clock.



The moment anyzhing turns up,

I'll give you a tinkle.



Bye, Sig. l wonder

if I've got room for another ulcer.



Nellie, get me long-distance.



- Sig, we wanna talk to you.

- About the Florida job.



- Nellie told us about it.

- Not too late, are we?



What are ya? Comedians? Get out.



The William Morris Agency in New York.



- You need a bass and a sax?

- The instruments are right but you're not.



I wanna speak to Mr Morris.



- What's wrong with us?

- You're the wrong shape.



- What do you want? Hunchbacks?

- It's not the backs that worry me.



What kind of a band is it?



- You gotta be under   .

- We could pass for that.



- And blond.

- We could dye our hair.



And you gotta be girls.



No, we couldn't.



- Mr William Morris.

- You mean this is a girls' band?



Yeah. Good old Nellie.

l could wring her neck.



Let's talk this over. Why couldn't we do it?



When we worked in the gypsy tearoom,

we wore gold earrings.



When you booked us with

the Hawaiian band, we wore grass skirts.



- What's with him? He drinks?

- No, he ain't eatin' so good.



His empty stomach has gone to his head.



Joe, three weeks in Florida. We could

borrow clothes from the chorus girls.



- You've flipped your wig.

- Now you're talking.



We get second-hand wigs, a little padding.



We call ourselves

Josephine and Geraldine.



Josephine and Geraldine... Come on.



lf you wanna pick up

a little money tonight,



at the University of lllinois

they're havin' a St Valentine's dance.



We'll take it.



$  a man. Be on the campus

at Urbana at   o'clock.



All the way to Urbana

for a one-night stand?



It's $  . We can get

one of the overcoats out of hock.



Hello. Mr Morris?

This is Poliakoff in Chicago.



You don't have two girl musicians

available, do you?



A sax player and a bass?



- lf William Morris doesn't come through...

- Come on, Geraldine.



It's     miles. It's snowin' outside.

How do we get there?



- I'll find something.

- Like what?



Don't crowd me.



- How'd it go, girls?

- I oughta wring your neck.



Please, Jerry. That's no way to talk.



Nellie baby, what are you doin' tonight?



- Tonight? Why?

- Cos I've got some plans.



- I'm not doing anything.

- Really?



l just thought I'd go home

and have some cold pizza.



Then you'll be in all evening?



Yes, Joe.



Good. Then you won't

be needing your car.



My car? Why, you...



Isn't he a bit of terrific?



We coulda had three weeks

in Florida, all expenses paid.



Lyin' in the sun, palm trees, flyin' fish...



Knock it off, will ya?



Possible straight, possible nothing,

and a pair of eights.



All right, drop 'em, you guys.



- Drop what?

- We came for a car.



- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. Nellie Weinmeyer's car.






Wise guys.



OK, let's go. Aces bet.



It's a '   Hupmobile, green, coupe... sir.



- It's over here.

- Yeah, over here.



- Want some gas?

- Yeah, about    cents' worth, please.



- Put it on Miss Weinmeyer's bill?

- Yeah. Why not?



And while you're at it, fill it up.



All right, everybody. Hands up.



Face the wall.



You too, Toothpick.



Come on.



Come on.



Hey. Join us.



OK, boss.



Hello, Charlie. Long time no see.



- Spats, what are you doin' here?

- l just dropped in to pay my respects.



- You don't owe me nothin'.

- l wouldn't say that.



You recommended

my mortuary to your friends.



- l don't know what you mean.

- Now l got all those coffins on my hands.



- l hate to see 'em go to waste.

- l had nothin' to do with it.



Too bad, Charlie.

You woulda had three eights.



- Goodbye, Charlie.

- No, Spats, no.



No, Spats. Please, no.



l think I'm gonna be sick.



All right, come on outta there.



Come on.



Come on.



- We didn't see anyzhing. Did we?

- What? No. Not a thing.



Besides, it's none of our business

if you guys wanna bump each other off.



Say... Don't l know you two

from somewhere?



Oh, no. We're just a couple of musicians.



We came to pick up a car.

Nellie Weinmeyer's car.



There's a dance tonight.



- Come on, Jerry.

- Wait a minute.



- Where do you think you're goin'?

- Urbana. It's about     miles from here...



You're not goin' nowhere.



- We're not?

- l don't like no witnesses.



- We won't breathe a word.

- You won't breathe nothin'.



Not even air.



All right, boys, let's blow out of here.

We'll take care of those guys later.



l think they got me.



- They got the bull fiddle.

- No blood?



lf they catch us, there'll be blood

all over. Type O. Come on.



- Where are you running?

- As far away as possible.



It's not far enough. Those guys know us.

Every hood in Chicago will be after us.



Quick, gimme a nickel.



You're gonna call the police?



We'd never live to testify

against Spats Colombo.



We gotta get out of town.

We could grow beards.



We will get out of town,

but we're gonna shave.



At a time like this? They wanna blast

our heads off, and you wanna shave.



- Shave our legs, stupid.

- Shave our legs...?



Hello. Mr Poliakoff?



l understand you're looking

for a couple of girl musicians.



Florida Limited leaving

on track one for Washington,



Charleston, Savannah,

Jacksonville and Miami.



All aboard.



What now?



How do they keep their

balance in these things?



Must be the way the weight

is distributed. Now come on.



lt is so draughty.



They must catch cold all the time.



- Quit stalling. We'll miss the train.

- l feel naked.



- l feel like everybody's starin' at me.

- With those legs? Are you crazy?



It's no use. We're not gonna

get away with it, Joe.



My name is Josephine, and this was

your idea in the first place.



Look at that. Look how she moves.



That's just like Jell-O on springs.



They must have some sort of

built-in motor or something.



l tell ya, it's a whole different sex.



Nobody's asking you to have a baby.



As soon as we're in Florida

we'll blow this whole setup.



You will not talk me into...



Extra. Extra. Seven slaughtered

in North Side garage.



Fear of bloody aftermath. Extra. Extra.



- You talked me into it. Let's go.

- Attagirl, Geraldine.



- Rosella.

- Fiddle.



- Move along, Dolores.

- Trombone.



- Hey, Olga, how's your back?

- Trumpet.



- Here we are.

- Are you two from the Poliakoff Agency?



- Yes. We're the new girls.

- Brand new.



This is our manager, Mr Bienstock.

And I'm Sweet Sue.



My name is Josephine.



I'm Daphne.



Saxophone, bass. Am l glad to see

you girls. You saved our lives.



Likewise, I'm sure.



Where did you girls play before?



Here, there and... around, and...



We spent three years

at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music.



All aboard.



You're in berths   and  A.



  and  A.



- Thanks ever so.

- You're welcome.



Oh. The feeling's mutual.



- Upsy-daisy.

- Fresh.



Looks like Poliakoff sent

a couple of real ladies.



You'd better tell the other girls

to watch their language.



What are you...?






l never did like the name Geraldine.



Hi. I'm the bass fiddle.

Just call me Daphne.



My name is Josephine. Sax.



- Welcome to No Man's Land.

- You'll be sorry.



- Take off your corsets and spread out.

- Oh, l don't wear one myself.



- Don't you bulge?

- Bulge? Me?



l have the most divine seamstress.

Comes in just once a month.



- She is so inexpensive and she told...

- Come on, Daphne.



Say, do you know the one

about the girl tuba player



who was stranded on an island

with a one-legged jockey?



- No. How does it go?

- Cut it out, girls. No rough talk.



They went to a conservatory.



How about that talent, huh?



- Like fallin' into a tub of butter.

- Watch it, Daphne.



When l was a kid, Joe, l dreamed l was

locked up overnight in a pastry shop.



And there was goodies all around.



Jelly rolls, mocha éclairs

and Boston cream pie and cherry tarts...



Listen to me: no butter, no pastry.

We're on a diet.



Yeah, sure, Joe.



Not there. That's the emergency brake.



Now you've done it.



- Done what?

- You tore off one of my chests.



- You'd better go get it fixed.

- You'd better come help me.



This way, Daphne.



Now you tore the other one.



Terribly sorry.



It's OK. l was scared it was Sweet Sue.



- You won't tell anybody, will you?

- Tell what?



lf they catch me once more,

they'll kick me out of the band.



Are you the replacement

for the bass and sax?



That's us. And I'm Daphne.



This is Joe... sephine.



Come in.



I'm Sugar Cane.



- Sugar Cane?

- l changed it from Sugar Kowalczyk.



- Polish?

- Yes. l come from this musical family.



My mother's a piano teacher.

My father was a conductor.



- Where did he conduct?

- On the Baltimore and Ohio.



l play the ukulele, and l sing, too.



l don't have much of a voice,

but this isn't much of a band, either.



I'm only with them cos I'm running away.



- Running away from what?

- Oh, don't get me started on that.



Hey, you want some? It's bourbon.



I'll take a rain check.



l don't want you to think I'm a drinker.

l can stop if l want to, only l don't want to.



- Especially when I'm blue.

- We understand.



All the girls drink. But I'm the one

that gets caught. Story of my life.



l always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.



Are my seams straight?



I'll say.



- See you around, girls.

- Bye, Sugar.



We have been playing

with the wrong bands.



- Down, Daphne.

- See the shape of that liquor cabinet?



Forget it. One false move

and we're off the train.



Then it's the police,

the papers and the Mob in Chicago.



Boy, would l love to

borrow a cup of that Sugar.






No pastry, no butter - and no Sugar.



You tore 'em again.



Hey, Sheboygan. What was your last job?

Playing square dances?



No. Funerals.



Would you mind rejoining the living?

Goose it up a little.



We'll try.



How did those holes get there?






l don't know.






All right, girls. Let's take it from the top.

And put a little heat under it.






Yes, Sue?



l thought l made it clear

that l don't want any drinking in this outfit.



All right, girls. Who does this belong to?



Come on, now. Speak up.



- Sugar, l warned you...

- Please, Mr Bienstock.



I've had it. ln Kansas you smuggled

liquor in a shampoo bottle.



Before that you had

a pint in your ukelele...



Mr Bienstock, could l have my flask?



Sure. Pack your things.

At the next station... Your flask?



Yes. Just a little bourbon.

Must have slipped through.



Give me that.



Didn't you girls say

you went to a conservatory?



- Oh, yes. For a whole year.

- l thought you said three years.



We got time off for good behaviour.



There are two things l will not put up with

during working hours: liquor and men.



- Men?

- Don't worry about that.



We wouldn't be caught dead with men.



Rough, hairy beasts with eight hands.



And they all just want

one thing from a girl.



l beg your pardon, miss.



All right, girls. From the top again.



- Hortense, dear, good night.

- Good night, Daphne.



- Maude, sweet dreams.

- Good night, Daphne.



Good night, Gloria.



Dolores, you sleep tight, you hear?



- Nighty-night, Emily.

- Toodle-oo.



How about that ''toodle-oo''.



Steady, boy.

Just keep tellin' yourself you're a girl.



- I'm a girl.

- You're a girl.



I'm a girl. I'm a girl.



I'm a...



Get a load of that rhyzhm section.



I'm a girl.



I'm a girl. I'm a girl.



I'm a girl.



Good night, Sugar.



Good night, honey.



Honey? Hey, she called me ''honey''.



Ooh, honey.



- What are you doin'?

- Just makin' sure honey stays in her hive.



There'll be no buzzin' around tonight.



Supposin' l gotta go...

like for a drink of water or something.



- Fight it.

- Well, suppose l lose.



- Suppose it's an emergency.

- Pull the emergency brake.



Hey, Bienstock. You know, there's

something funny about those new girls.



- Funny? ln what way?

- l don't know, but l can feel it right here.



Having an ulcer is like

having a burglar alarm go off inside you.



You watch your ulcers,

I'll watch those two.



OK, everybody go to bed.

Good night, girls.



- Good night, Daphne.

- Good night, Josephine.



I'm a girl. I'm a girl.



l wish l were dead.



I'm a girl... I'm a girl... I'm a girl...









l wanted to thank you for

covering up for me. You're a real pal.



It's nothing.



l just thought that

us girls should stick together.



lf it wasn't for you,

they'd have kicked me off the train.



I'd be out in the middle of nowhere,

sitting on my ukulele.



It's freezing outside.



l mean, when l think about you

and your poor ukulele...



lf there's ever anyzhing l can do for you...



l can think of a million things.



That's one of 'em.



It's Sweet Sue.



l don't want her to know we're in cahoots.



Oh, well, we won't tell anybody.

Not even Josephine.



Maybe I'd better stay here

till she goes back to sleep.



You stay here as long as you like.



I'm not crowding you, am l?



No. It's nice and cosy.



When l was a little girl, on cold nights

like this, I'd crawl into bed with my sister.



We'd cuddle up under the covers and

pretend we were lost in a dark cave



and were trying to find our way out.



Very interesting.



- Anyzhing wrong?

- No, no. Not a thing.



You poor thing. You're trembling all over.



That's ridiculous.



- Your head's hot.

- That's ridiculous.



- You've got cold feet.

- Isn't that ridiculous?



Here, let me warm them up a little.



- There. Isn't that better?

- Yes. I'm a girl... I'm a girl...



- What?

- I'm a very sick girl.



- I'd better go before l catch something.

- Not that sick.



I've got very low resistance.



Sugar, if you feel you're

coming down with something, my dear,



the best thing in the world

is a shot of whiskey.



- You've got some?

- l know where to get it.



Don't move.



- Hold on.

- OK.



Up. Up.



- Are you all right?

- I'm fine.



- How's the bottle?

- Half-full.



- You'd better get some cups.

- Cups?



Oh, l tell you, my dear,

this is the only way to travel.



Put on the lights.

l can't see what I'm doing.



No lights. We don't want them to know.



- But l might spill some.

- So spill it.



Spills, thrills, laughs and games.



This may even turn out

to be a surprise party.



- What's the surprise?

- Not yet.



- When?

- Better have a drink first.



That'll put hair on your chest.



No fair guessing.



Is this a private clambake?



It's private. Please, go away.



Dolores, do you still have that vermouth?



- Sure.

- Who needs vermouth?



We've got bourbon.

We can make Manhattans.



Manhattans? At this time of night?



- Bring the cocktail shaker.

- Oh, Sugar.



You're gonna spoil my surprise.



- Hey, honey, what's up?

- Party in upper  .



- I'll get cheese and crackers.

- I'll get a shaker, you get a corkscrew.



Hey, Rosella, there's a party in upper  .



- You got a corkscrew?

- Stella has.



Go get some paper cups.



Hey, there's a party in upper  .



- Here's the vermouth.

- This is a private party. Please go away.



l brought some cheese and crackers.



- Will ten cups be enough?

- This is a party for two. Ten cups?



- Please, girls. Will you stop this?

- Could you use some Southern Comfort?



Girls, you'll wake up

the neighbours downstairs.



Watch that corkscrew.



- Here's a cracker.

- No crackers in bed.



Will you girls go away

and form your own party?



Here's the cocktail shaker.



- I wish we had ice.

- Easy on the vermouth.



    girls in a berth is bad luck.

    of you will have to get out.



- Pass me the peanut butter.

- Anyone for salami?



No more food.

I'll have ants in the morning.



Hey. Have you got any

maraschino cherries on you?



Never mind.



Maraschino cherries?



What's going on here?



Daphne. Daphne, where are you?



It's not my fault. l didn't invite 'em.



Come on, girls, break it up.



You heard Josephine.

Girls. Everybody out.



- Not you, Sugar.

- I'm going to get some ice.



Get out.



That's right, Sugar.

Now the rest of you. Out.



- Come on in. The water's fine.

- Have a Manhattan.



- Pipe down. We'll all be fired.

- Sugar. Don't leave me here alone.



Come on, kids. It's two o'clock.



You've had your fun.

The party's over. Everybody go home.



- What's this?

- Josephine, over here before it melts.



Put it here.



Sugar, you're gonna

get into a lot of trouble.



You'd better keep a lookout.



lf Bienstock catches you again...



What's the matter with you, anyway?



I'm not very bright, l guess.



l wouldn't say that. Careless, maybe.



No, just dumb. lf l had any brains, l

wouldn't be with this crummy girls' band.



Well, why'd you take this job?



l used to sing with male bands,

but l can't afford it any more.



Have you ever been with a male band?



Who, me?



That's what I'm running away from.



l worked with six in the last two years.

Oh, brother.



- Rough?

- I'll say.



- You can't trust those guys.

- l can't trust myself.



l have this thing about saxophone players.



Especially tenor sax.



- Really?

- l don't know why, but they curdle me.



All they have to do is play eight bars of

''Come To Me, My Melancholy Baby''



and l get goose-pimply all over,

and l come to 'em.



- That so?

- Every time.



You know, l play tenor sax.



But you're a girl - thank goodness.

That's why l joined this band.



Safety first. Anyzhing

to get away from those bums.



You don't know what they're like.

You fall for 'em.



You think this is gonna be

the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin.



The next thing you know,

they're borrowing money from you,



spending it on other dames

and betting on horses.



You don't say.



Then one morning you wake up,

the guy's gone, the sax's gone.



All that's left is a pair of old socks

and a tube of toothpaste all squeezed out.



You pull yourself together, you go on to

the next job, the next saxophone player.



It's the same thing all over again.



You see what l mean? Not very bright.



Brains aren't everyzhing.



l can tell you one thing. It's not

gonna happen to me again - ever.



I'm tired of getting

the fuzzy end of the lollipop.



lce. What's keeping the ice?

The natives are getting restless.



- How about a couple of drinks for us?

- Sure.



- You know, I'm gonna be    in June.

- You are?



That's a quarter of a century.

Makes a girl think.



- About what?

- The future.



You know - like a husband. That's why

I'm glad we're going to Florida.



- What's in Florida?

- Millionaires. Flocks of them.



They all go south for the winter, like birds.



- Gonna catch yourself a rich bird?

- l don't care how rich he is.



As long as he has a yacht, a private

railroad car and his own toothpaste.



- You're entitled.

- Maybe you'll meet one too, Josephine.



With money like Rockefeller and

shoulders like Johnny Weissmuller.



- l want mine to wear glasses.

- Glasses?



Men who wear glasses are so much

more gentle and sweet and helpless.



- Haven't you ever noticed it?

- Yeah, now that you mention.



They get those weak eyes from reading.



Those long, tiny little columns

in The Wall Street Journal.



That bass fiddle, she sure

knows how to throw a party.






Well, happy days.



l hope this time you wind up

with the sweet end of the lollipop.



So the one-legged jockey said...



What did he say?



So the one-legged jockey said: ''Don't

worry about me, baby. l ride side-saddle.''



I'm terribly sorry. l seem to have hiccups.



Hey, let's rub some ice on her neck.



l think... Ow. You dropped it.



Oh, that's cold.



- Oh, no, please. Don't do that.

- She's ticklish.



Help. Please. Help. Help.






Please stop that. Stop that.



- What happened?

- Search me.



l mean, I'll see.



All right, what's goin' on around here?






Are we in Florida?






Here. I'll carry the instruments.



- Thank you, Daphne.

- Thank you, Daphne.



Isn't she a sweetheart?



How do you do?






There they are. More millionaires

than you can shake a stick at.



l bet there isn't one under   .



That's three quarters of a century.

Makes a girl think.



Let's hope they brought

their grandsons along.






Pardon me, miss.



- May l?

- Help yourself.



I'm Osgood Fielding the Third.



I'm Cinderella the Second.



lf there's one thing l admire,

it's a girl with a shapely ankle.



Me, too. Bye-bye.



- Let me carry one of the instruments.

- Oh, thank you.



Aren't you a sweetheart.



lt certainly is delightful

having young blood around here.



Personally, I'm type O.



I've always been fascinated

by show business.



ls that so?



As a matter of fact,

it's cost my family quite a bit of money.



- Oh, you invest in shows?

- Showgirls.



- I've been married seven or eight times.

- You're not sure?



Mama is keeping score.



- She's getting annoyed with me.

- l wouldn't wonder.



So when George White's Scandals

opened, she packed me off to Florida.



She thinks I'm out on my yacht,

deep-sea fishing.



Well, pull in your reel, Mr Fielding.

You're barking up the wrong fish.



lf l promise not to be a naughty boy,

how about dinner?



- I'm sorry. I'll be on the bandstand.

- Oh, of course.



- Which instrument do you play?

- Bull fiddle.



Oh, fascinating.



Do you use a bow, or do you just pluck it?



Most of the time, l slap it.



You must be quite a girl.



Wanna bet?



My last wife was an acrobatic dancer.

Sort of a contortionist.



She could smoke a cigarette

while holding it between her toes.






- But Mama broke it up.

- Why?



She doesn't approve of girls who smoke.



- Bye-bye, Mr Fielding.

- Bye-bye?



- This is where l get off.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.



You don't get off that easy.



All right, driver.

Once around the park, slowly.



And keep your eyes on the road.



What kind of a girl

do you think l am, Mr Fielding?



- Oh, please. lt won't happen again.

- I'll say.



- Please, come back.

- I'll walk, thank you.



Please, miss...






All right, girls. Here are

your room assignments.



My glasses. Where are my glasses?



Olga and Mary Lou are in     .



And, Mary Lou, do up your kimono

when you ring for room service.



Josephine and Daphne are in     .



- Dolores and Sugar in    .

- Me and Sugar?



What did you expect?

A one-legged jockey?



Rosella and Emily in     ...



- l wish they'd put us in the same room.

- So do l.



But don't worry about it, Sugar.

We'll see a lot of each other.



   ... That's the same room number

l had in Cincinnati,



my last time around with a male band.



What a heel he was.



- A saxophone player?

- What else? Was l ever crazy about him.



At two in the morning he sent me down

for hot dogs and potato salad.



They were out of potato salad,

so l brought coleslaw.



- So he threw it right in my face.

- Forget saxophone players.



You're gonna meet

a millionaire - a young one.



- What makes you so sure?

- My feminine intuition.



Oh. Are these your bags?



- And that one, too.

- OK, doll.



- l suppose you want a tip.

- Forget it, doll.



After all, you work here and l work here.

It's nice to have you with the organisation.



- Bye-bye.

- Listen, doll.



- What time do you get off tonight?

- Why?



I'm workin' the night shift and

l got a bottle of gin stashed away.



- When there's a lull...

- Aren't you a little young for that, sonny?



Oh, you wanna see my driver's licence?



- Get lost, will you?

- That's the way l like 'em - big and sassy.



Oh, and... get rid of your roommate.



- Dirty old man.

- What happened?



- l got pinched in the elevator.

- See how the other half lives?



I'm not even pretty.



They don't care. You're wearing a skirt.

It's like waving a red flag to a bull.



I'm sick of being the flag.

l wanna be a bull again.



- Let's blow.

- Blow where?



You promised me that the minute

we hit Florida we'd beat it.



- How can we? We're broke.

- We can find another band. A male band.



Spats Colombo is looking for us

in every male band in the country.



- It's humiliating.

- So you got pinched. So what?



Would you rather be

picking lead out of your navel?



But how long can we keep this up?



What's the beef? We're sittin' pretty.



Look. We get room and board.

We're getting paid every week. Look.



Look at the palm trees, flying fish...



What are you givin' me with flyin' fish?



l know why you wanna stay.

You're after Sugar.



- Me, after Sugar?

- l saw the both of you in that bus.



All lovey-dovey and whisperin'

and borrowin' each other's lipstick.



- What are you saying? Me and Sugar?

- You and Sugar.



- We're just like sisters.

- Well, I'm your fairy godmother.



And I'm gonna keep an eye on you.



Are you decent?



Come in.



You girls seen a brown bag

with a white stripe and my initials?



lt has all my resort clothes.



- No, we haven't.

- l can't understand it.



First my glasses disappear,

then one of my suitcases.



- Where's my ukulele?

- Now a ukulele.



- There must be a sneak thief around here.

- Oh. Here it is. Hi, Sug.



- We're going for a swim. Coming?

- A swim. Oh, you betcha.



You haven't got a bathing suit.



l don't have one either.



- She doesn't have one either. You don't?

- We can rent some at the bathhouse.



- How about you, Josephine?

- l think I'll soak in a hot tub.



- On a day like this? It's lovely out.

- Yeah, well, let her soak. Come on.



- Don't get burned, Daphne.

- Oh, I've got suntan lotion.



See? She'll rub it on me, I'll rub it on her,

we'll rub it on each other. Bye-bye.



Daphne. Cut it out.

What do you think you're doing?



Just a little trick

l picked up in the elevator.



Ooh, look out. Here comes a big one.



Daphne. l had no idea

you were such a big girl.



You should've seen me

before l went on a diet.



l mean your shoulders and your arms.



It's carrying that bull fiddle around.



- There's one thing l envy you for.

- What's that?



You're so flat-chested.



Clothes hang better on you

than they do on me.



Watch out, Daphne.



Sugar, come on. Let's play ball.



Junior, time for your nap.



No. l wanna play.



You heard your mother, Junior. Scram!



This beach ain't big enough

for the both of us.






Here we go.



l like coffee, l like tea.



How many boys are stuck on me?



One, two, three,



four, five, six, seven...



I'm terribly sorry.

You're not hurt, are you?



- l don't think so.

- l wish you'd make sure.



Because when people find out who l am,



they hire a shyster lawyer and sue me

for three quarters of a million dollars.



- l won't sue you, no matter who you are.

- Thank you.



- Who are you?

- Now, really!






Come on.









- Haven't l seen you somewhere before?

- Not very likely.



- Are you staying at the hotel?

- Not at all.



Your face is familiar.



You may have seen it

in newspapers or magazines.



- Vanity Fair.

- That must be it.



Would you mind moving a little?

You're blocking my view.



Of what?



They run up a red-and-white flag

on the yacht when it's time for cocktails.



You own a yacht?



Which one is it? The big one?



Certainly not.



With all the world unrest, nobody should

have a yacht that sleeps more than    .



l quite agree.



Tell me, who runs up that flag?



- Your wife?

- No, my flag steward.



Who mixes the cocktails? Your wife?



No, my cocktail steward.



Look, if you're interested in

whether l am married or not...



- Oh, I'm not interested at all.

- Well, I'm not.



That's very interesting.



- How's the stock market?

- Up, up, up.



I'll bet while we were talking,

you made $      ?



Could be. You play the market?



- No, the ukulele. And l sing, too.

- For your own amusement?



We are appearing at the hotel.



Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators.



- You're society girls.

- Oh, yes, quite. Bryn Mawr, Vassar...



We're just doing this for a lark.



Syncopators. Does that mean you play

that very fast music... jazz?



Yeah. Real hot.



l guess some like it hot.

l personally prefer classical music.



l do, too.



As a matter of fact, l spent three years

at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music.



Good school. Your family

doesn't object to your career?



They do indeed. Daddy threatened

to cut me off without a cent.



But l don't care. lt was such a bore.



- Coming-out parties.

- lnauguration balls.



- Opening at the opera.

- Riding to hounds.



And always the same    .



It's amazing we never

ran into each other before.



I'd have remembered

anybody as attractive as you.



You're very kind. I'll bet

you're also gentle and helpless.



l beg your pardon?



You see, l have a theory

about men who wear glasses.



- What theory?

- I'll tell you when l know you better.



- What are you doing tonight?

- Tonight?



Maybe you could come

to the hotel and hear us play.



- I'd like to, but that would be difficult.

- Why?



l only come ashore twice a day

when the tide goes out.



It's on account of these shells.

That's my hobby.



- You collect shells?

- So did my father and grandfather.



You might say we had

a passion for shells.



That's why we named

the oil company after it.



- Shell Oil?

- Please, no names. Just call me Junior.






Time to change for dinner.



Run along, Daphne dear.

I'll catch up with you later.



What, young lady?

What are you staring at?



Happens to me all the time.



l recognised him, too.

His picture was in Vanity Fair.



- Would you move along, please?

- Yes. You're in his way.



He's waiting for a signal from his yacht.



His yacht?



lt sleeps    . This is my friend Daphne.

She's a Vassar girl.



I'm a what?



Or was it Bryn Mawr?



l heard a very sad story

about a girl who went to Bryn Mawr.



She squealed on her roommate



and they found her strangled

with her own brassiere.



Yes. We have to be very careful

whom we pick for a roommate. Hm?



Well, l think I'd better be going.



lt was delightful meeting you both.



- You will come and hear us play?

- lf it's at all possible.



Do come. lt'll be such fun.



- And bring your yacht.

- Come on, Daphne.



- How about that guy?!

- Hands off. l saw him first.



Sugar, a little advice. lf l were a girl,

and l am, I'd watch my step.



lf I'd been watching my step,

l never would have met him.



- l can't wait to tell Josephine.

- Yeah, Josephine...



l can't wait to see her face.

Will she be surprised.



Neither can l.

Let's go tell her right now.



- We don't have to run.

- Oh yes, we do.



Josephine. Yoo-hoo.



- l guess she's not here.

- Isn't that funny. Josie!



l can't imagine where she'd be.



- I'll be back later.

- Oh, no. You wait.



l have a feeling

she'll show up any minute.



- Believe it or not, Josephine predicted it.

- Yes. This is one for Ripley.



- Do you suppose she went shopping?

- Shopping. That's it.



Something tells me she's gonna come

through that door in a brand-new outfit.



- Josephine.

- Oh. l didn't hear you come in.



- Have a good time, girls?

- The most wonderful thing happened.



- What?

- Guess.



- They repealed Prohibition?

- Oh, you can do better than that.



- l met one of them.

- One of whom?



Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions,

glasses and a yacht.



You don't say.



He's not only got a yacht.

He's got a bicycle.






Go on. Tell me all about him.



Well, he's young and he's handsome.

He's a bachelor.



He's a real gentleman.

You know. Not one of these grabbers.



Maybe you'd better go after him

if you don't want to lose him.



I'm not gonna let this one get away.

He's so cute. He collects shells.



Shells? Whatever for?



Oh, you know. The old shell game?



Daphne, you're bothering us.



- Anyway, you're gonna meet him tonight.

- l am?



He said he'd come

to hear us play - maybe.



What do you mean, maybe? l saw the way

he looked at you. He'll be there for sure.



l hope so.



What do you think, Josephine?

What does your crystal ball say?



Sugar. ls Sugar in here?



Sugar, you got the key? I'm locked out

and I'm makin' a puddle in the hall.



See you on the bandstand, girls.



What are you tryin' to do to that girl,

puttin' on a millionaire act?



And that phoney accent?

Nobody talks like that.



I've seen you pull

some low tricks on women.



This is without doubt

the trickiest, lowest, meanest...



I'm not afraid of you.



I'm thin, but I'm wiry.



You're gonna get hurt.

When I'm aroused, I'm a tiger.



Joe. Don't look at me like that.

lt was all a joke. l didn't mean any harm.



I'm gonna press

the suit myself. Telephone.



Answer the






Yes, this is     .



Ship to shore? All right, I'll take it.



Daphne? It's that naughty boy again.



You know - Osgood? ln the elevator?



You slapped my face?



- Who is this?

- This is her roommate.



Daphne can't talk right now. ls it urgent?



Well, it is to me.

Will you give her a message?



Tell her I'd like her to have supper with

me on my yacht after the show tonight.



Got it. Supper, yacht,

after the show. I'll tell her.



- Your yacht?

- The New Caledonia. That's its name.



The Old Caledonia went down

during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.



But tell her not to worry. This'll be a quiet

little midnight snack, just the two of us.



Just the two of you?

What about the crew?



That's all been taken care of.

I'm giving them shore leave.



We'll have cold pheasant

with champagne.



I've checked with the coastguard.

There's gonna be a full moon tonight.



And tell her I've got

a new batch of Rudy Vallee records.



That's good thinking.

Daphne's a pushover for him.



Pushover for who? What...



Yes, Mr Fielding.



You'll pick her up after the show

in your motorboat. Goodbye.



What's that you said?



- ''Zowie.'' I'll give her the message.

- What message? What motorboat?



You got it made. Fielding wants to have

cold pheasant with you on his yacht.



Just the three of you on that

great big boat. You, him and Rudy Vallee.



Fat chance. Call him back

and say I'm not goin'.



Of course you're not.



I'm going.



You're gonna be on the boat

with that dirty old man?



I'm gonna be on the boat with Sugar.



- Where's he gonna be?

- He's gonna be ashore with you.



- With me?

- That's right.



Oh, no. Not tonight, Josephine.



Daphne, your boyfriend's waving at you.



You can both go take a flyin' jump.



Remember, he's your date

for tonight, so smile.



Oh, you can do better than that.

Give him the teeth, the whole personality.



Why do l let you talk me

into these things? Why?



Because we're pals. The two musketeers.



Don't give me the musketeers.

How am l gonna keep him ashore?



Tell him you get seasick.

Play miniature golf with him.



Oh, no. I'm not gonna get caught

in a miniature sand trap with that guy.



Hi. Which of you dolls is Daphne?



Bull fiddle.



From satchel mouth at table seven.



- This is from me to you, doll.

- Beat it, buster.



Never mind leaving your door open.

l got a passkey.



- What are you doin' with my flowers?

- Borrowing 'em. You'll get 'em back.



l guess he's not gonna show up.

It's five minutes to one.



- Do you suppose he forgot?

- You know how those millionaires are.



These came for you.



For me?



It's Shell Oil.



- No!

- Yes!



He wants to have supper

with me on his yacht.



He's picking me up at the pier.



- No!

- Yes.



You heard her - yes.



Josephine, just imagine. Me,

Sugar Kowalczyk from Sandusky, Ohio,



on a millionaire's yacht.



lf my mother could only see me now.



l hope my mother never finds out.



That's it for tonight.

This is Sweet Sue saying good night,



reminding all you daddies out there

that every girl in my band is a virtuoso.



And l intend to keep it that way.



- Good luck.

- Thanks.



But it's such a waste.

A full moon, an empty yacht.



- I'll throw up.

- Then let's go dancing.



There's a roadhouse down the coast...



Well, I'll be.... He does have a bicycle.






About the roadhouse?



They have a Cuban band

that's the berries.



Let's go there, blindfold the orchestra

and tango till dawn.



- You know something, Mr Fielding?

- What?



You're dynamite.



You're a pretty hot

little firecracker yourself.



Ahoy, there.






- Been waiting long?

- It's not how long you wait.



- It's who you're waiting for.

- Thank you. And for the flowers.



l wanted them to fly orchids from our

greenhouse, but Long lsland is fogged in.



It's the thought that counts.



l seem to be out of gas.



It's sort of funny, you being out of gas.

l mean, Shell Oil and everyzhing.



Oops. There.



lt seems to be stuck in reverse.



l just got this motorboat.

It's an an experimental model.



lt seems like they're on the wrong track.



Do you mind riding backwards?

lt may take a little longer.



It's not how long it takes.

It's who's taking you.



lt looked so small from the beach.



But when you're on it, it's like

a cruiser or a destroyer.



It's just regulation-size. We have three.

Mother keeps hers in Southampton.



Daddy's is in Venezuela.

The company is laying a new pipeline.



My dad's more interested in railroads.

Baltimore and Ohio.



Which is the port

and which is the starboard?



That depends on

whether you're coming or going.



l mean, normally the aft

is on the other side of the stern.



And that's the bridge. So that you can get

from one side of the boat to the other.



- Would you like a glass of champagne?

- Love it. Which way?



- You have an upstairs and a downstairs.

- Yes, the hurricane cellar.



And another nice thing about

this yacht - lots of closet space.



Now, let me see. Where do you

suppose the steward set it up?



ln here.



Of course. How silly of me.



On Thursdays they always

serve me in the small salon.



It's exquisite. Like a floating mansion.



It's all right for a bachelor.



- What a beautiful fish.

- l caught him off Cape Hatteras.



What is it?



It's a member of the herring family.



A herring?



Isn't it amazing how they get those

big fish into those little glass jars?



They shrink when they're marinated.



- Champagne?

- l don't mind if l do.



Well, down the hatch, as we say at sea.



Bon voyage.



- Look at all that silverware.

- Trophies.



You know. Skeet shooting,

dog breeding, water polo.



Isn't water polo terribly dangerous?



I'll say. l had two ponies

drowned under me.



Where's your shell collection?



Yes, of course.

Where could they have put it?



You see, on Thursdays

I'm sort of lost around here.



- What's on Thursdays?

- It's the crew's night off.



- You mean we're alone on the boat?

- Completely.



I've never been completely alone

with a man in the middle of the night,



- in the middle of the ocean.

- Oh, it's perfectly safe.



We're anchored.

The ship's in shipshape shape.



The coastguard will call

if any icebergs appear.



It's not the icebergs.



But certain men would try to

take advantage of a situation like this.



- You're flattering me.

- Of course, I'm sure you're a gentleman.



It's not that. It's just that I'm harmless.



- Harmless? How?

- l don't know how to put it,



but I've got this thing about girls.



- What thing?

- They just sort of leave me cold.



You mean, like, frigid?



Well, it's more like a mental block.



When I'm with a girl,

it does absolutely nothing to me.



- Have you tried?

- Have l. I'm trying all the time.



See? Nothing.



- Nothing at all?

- Complete washout.



- That makes me feel just awful.

- My dear, it's not your fault.



Now and then Mother Nature

throws somebody a dirty curve.



Something goes wrong inside.



- You mean you can't fall in love?

- Not any more.



l was in love once,

but I'd rather not talk about it.



- Would you like a little cold pheasant?

- What happened?



- l don't want to bore you.

- You couldn't possibly.






lt was my freshman year at Princeton.



There was this girl. Her name was Nellie.



Her father was

the vice president of Hupmobile.



She wore glasses, too.



That summer we were

at the Grand Canyon.



We were on the highest ledge

watching the sunset,



when suddenly we got

this impulse to kiss.



l took off my glasses.

She took off her glasses.



l took a step toward her.



She took a step toward me.



Yes. Eight hours later

they brought her up by mule.



l gave her three transfusions.

We had the same type blood - type O.



But it was too late.



Talk about sad.



Ever since then,



numb, no feelings, like my heart

was shot full of Novocain.



You poor, poor boy.



Yes. All the money in the world,

and what good is it?



Mint sauce or cranberries?



How can you think about food

at a time like this?



What else is there for me?



- ls it that hopeless?

- My family did everyzhing they could.



Hired the most beautiful

French upstairs maids.



Got a special tutor to read me

books that were banned in Boston.



lmported a troupe of Balinese dancers



with those bells on their ankles

and long fingernails.



What a waste of money.



Have you ever tried American girls?






Was that anyzhing?



Thanks just the same.



You should see a doctor - a good doctor.



l have. l spent six months in Vienna

with Professor Freud, flat on my back.



Then there were the Mayo brothers,

injections, hypnosis, mineral baths.



lf l wasn't such a coward, I'd kill myself.



Don't say that.



There must be some girl

someplace that could...



lf l ever found a girl that could,

I'd marry her just like that.



- Would you do me a favour?

- Certainly. What is it?



l may not be Dr Freud or a Mayo brother

or one of those French upstairs girls,



but could l take another crack at it?



All right, if you insist.



- Anyzhing this time?

- I'm afraid not.



- Terribly sorry.

- Would you like some more champagne?



Maybe if we had some music.

How do you dim these lights?



Look, it's terribly sweet of you

to want to help out, but it's no use.



l think the light switch is over there.



That's the radio.



It's like taking someone

to a concert when he's tone-deaf.



You're not giving yourself a chance.



Don't fight it.






It's like smoking without inhaling.



So inhale.






- you're leading again.

- Sorry.






I'm not quite sure.



Would you try it again?



l got a funny sensation in my toes.



Like someone was barbecuing them

over a slow flame.



Let's throw another log on the fire.



l think you're on the right track.



l must be. Your glasses

are beginning to steam up.



l never knew it could be like this.



Thank you.



They told me l was kaput,

finished, all washed up.



And here you are, making a chump

out of all those experts.



Mineral baths. Now, really.



Where did you learn to kiss like that?



l used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund.



Tomorrow, remind me to send

a cheque for $       to the Milk Fund.






- Good night.

- Good morning.



How much do l owe the Milk Fund so far?



$      .



Let's make it an even million.



l forgot to give you a receipt.



Hi, Jerry. Everyzhing under control?



Have l got things to tell you.



- What happened?

- I'm engaged.



Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?



l am.






Osgood proposed to me.

We're planning a June wedding.



What are you talking about?

You can't marry Osgood.



- Do you think he's too old for me?

- Jerry, you can't be serious.



Why not? He keeps

marryin' girls all the time.



But... you're not a girl. You're a guy.



And why would a guy

wanna marry a guy?






- Jerry, lie down. You're not well.

- Stop treatin' me like a child.



- I'm not stupid. l know there's a problem.

- I'll say there is.



His mother. We need her approval. But

I'm not worried because l don't smoke.



- Jerry, there's another problem.

- Like what?



- Like your honeymoon.

- We've been discussing that.



He wants to go to the Riviera,

but l kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.



Jerry, you're outta your mind.

You can't get away with this.



l don't expect it to last.

I'll tell him the truth when the time comes.



- Like when?

- Like right after the ceremony.



Then we get a quick annulment,

he makes a nice settlement on me



and l keep gettin' those

alimony cheques every month.



Jerry, listen to me.



There are laws, conventions.

It's just not been done.



Joe, this may be my last chance

to marry a millionaire.



Jerry, will you take my advice?

Forget about the whole thing, will you?



Just keep telling yourself you're a boy.



- I'm a boy.

- That's the boy.



I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a...



l wish l were dead.

I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am l a boy.



What about my engagement present?



- What engagement present?

- Osgood gave me a bracelet.



Hey, these are real diamonds.



Of course they're real.

You think my fiancé is a bum?



- l guess I'll have to give it back to him.

- Wait a minute, Jerry. Let's not be hasty.



After all, we don't wanna

hurt Osgood's feelings.



- Just a minute.

- It's me. Sugar.



Come in.



l thought l heard voices. l had to talk to

somebody. l don't feel like going to sleep.



- What you need is a slug of bourbon.

- Oh, no. I'm off that stuff for good.



- Did you have a nice time?

- Nice?



lt was suicidally beautiful.



Did he get fresh?



Of course not. As a matter of fact,

it was just the other way around.



- You see, he needs help.

- What for?



Talk about elegant.

You should see the yacht.



Candlelight, mint sauce and cranberries.



Gee, l wish I'd been there.



I'm going to see him again

tonight - and every night.



l think he's going to propose.



- As soon as he gets up his nerve.

- That's some nerve.



Daphne got a proposal tonight.



- Really?

- From a rich millionaire.



That's wonderful.



- Poor Josephine.

- Me?



Well, Daphne has a beau, l have a beau...



lf we could only find somebody for you.



Here l am, doll.



''Friends of ltalian Opera'' - that's us.



Register over there.



Spats Colombo. Delegate from Chicago.

South Side Chapter.






Hiya, Spats.



- We was layin'  -  you wouldn't show.

- Why wouldn't l?



We thought you was all broken up

about Toothpick Charlie.



- We all gotta go sometime.

- Yeah. You never know who's next.



OK, Spats. Report to the sergeant at arms.



- What for?

- Orders from Little Bonaparte.



- All right, Spats, get your hands up.

- What's the idea?



Little Bonaparte don't want

no hardware around.



All right, you're clean.



You're not.



lt ain't loaded.



Next. What's in here?



My golf clubs. Putter, niblick, No.  iron.



- What's this?

- My mashie.



See you at the banquet, Spats.



Where did you pick up that cheap trick?



Come on, boys.



Well. Spats Colombo, if l ever saw one.



Hello, copper.

What brings you to Florida?



l heard you opera-lovers were meetin'.



Thought I'd come in case

anybody decided to sing.



Big joke.



Where were you at  pm

on St Valentine's Day?



- l was at Rigoletto.

- What's his first name and address?



It's an opera, you ignoramus.



- ln the garage on Clark Street?

- Clark Street? Never heard of it.



Ever hear of Deluxe Cleaners

on Wabash Avenue?



The day after the shoot

you sent in spats with blood on 'em.



l cut myself while shaving.



- You shave with spats on?

- l sleep with my spats on.



Stop kidding. You vulcanised

Toothpick Charlie, and we know it.



You and who else?



Me and those two witnesses you

have been lookin' for all over Chicago.



Boys, know anyzhing about

any garage or witnesses?



Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.






Don't worry, Spats. One of these days

we're gonna dig up those two guys.



That's what you'll have to do - dig 'em up.



l feel like such a tramp, taking jewellery

from a man under false pretences.



Get it while you're young. Fix your lips

if you wanna look nice for Osgood.



lt'll break his heart when

he finds out l can't marry him.



lt'll break Sugar's heart when

she finds out I'm not a millionaire.



Can't make an omelette

without breakin' an egg.



- What's with the omelette?

- Nag, nag, nag.



We got a yacht, a bracelet, you've got

Osgood, I've got Sugar. We'll be cookin'.



- Joe!

- What?



Something tells me the omelette

is about to hit the fan.



Come on, Daphne.



- Going up.

- Hold it.



Three, please.



l don't mean to be forward,



but ain't l had the pleasure

of meetin' you two broads before?



- Oh, no.

- You must mean two other broads.



- You ever been in Chicago?

- Us?



We wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago.



Third floor.



- What floor are you on, sweetie?

- Never you mind.



Room     . We'll be in touch.



Don't call us. We'll call you.



l tell you, Joe, they're onto us.



They're gonna line us up

against the wall and...



The cops will find two dead dames

and take us to the morgue



and when they undress us,

I'll die of shame.



- Shut up and keep packing.

- Yeah. OK, Joe.



- Not that, you idiot.

- They're from Osgood.



He wanted me to wear 'em tonight.



l tell you, l will never find

another man who's so good to me.



Joe, if we get outta this hotel alive,

we'll sell this bracelet, take the money,



grab a boat to South America

and hide out in a banana republic.



l figured if we eat nothing but bananas,

we could live there for    years.



lf we get outta the hotel alive.



- Did we forget anyzhing?

- Yeah. The shaving stuff.



- And also Sugar.

- Sugar?



- Give me room    .

- What are you doin'?



- Making a telephone call.

- Who has time?



We can't walk out on her

without a goodbye.



You usually walk out and leave 'em

with a kick in the teeth.



That's when l was a saxophone player.

Now I'm a millionaire.



Mail her a postcard.

Those gorillas may be here any minute.



Room    ?

This is the ship-to-shore operator.



Ship to shore?



Hey, Sugar, it's for you. From the yacht.



Hello, my dearest darling.

It's good to hear your voice.



l may throw up.



No, l didn't sleep too well, darling.

To tell the truth, l never closed an eye.



l never slept better.

l had the most wonderful dream.



l was still on the yacht

and the anchor broke loose.



We drifted for days and days.



You were the captain and l was the crew.



l kept a lookout for icebergs, l sorted

your shells and mixed your cocktails,



and l wiped the steam off your glasses.



And when l woke up, l wanted

to swim right back to you.






Now, about our date for tonight...



I'll meet you on the pier again

right after the show.



I'm afraid not. l can't make it tonight.



Not tomorrow either. l have to leave.



Something unexpected came up.

I'm sailing right away.



Where to?



South America?



That is unexpected.



You see, we have

these oil interests in Venezuela.



l just got a cable from Dad. The board

of directors have decided on a merger.



A merger? How long will you be gone?



Quite a while.



As a matter of fact,

I'm not coming back at all.



You're not?



Well, it's all rather complicated.

What we call high finance.



lt just so happens the president of the

Venezuelan oil syndicate has a daughter...



Oh. That kind of merger.



What is she like?



According to our tax adviser,

she's only so-so.



But that's the way the oil gushes.



A man in my position

has a responsibility to the stockholders.



All those little people

who have invested their life savings.



Of course. l understand.

At least, l think l do.



l knew you would. l only wish there

was something l could do for you.



But you have. You've given me

all that inside information.



Tomorrow I'm gonna call my broker



and have him buy me

      shares of Venezuelan oil.



Smart move.



By the way, did you get my flowers?



You know, those orchids

from my greenhouse?



The fog finally lifted over Long lsland

and they flew them down this morning.



That's strange. l sent 'em to your room.



They should have been delivered by now.



Hey, Dolores, will you see

if there's any flowers outside?



Yes, they're here. White orchids.



l haven't had white orchids

since l was a debutante.



What's this?



What's what?



Oh, that. Just a little going-away present.



Real diamonds.



They must be worth their weight in gold.

Are you always this generous?



Not always.



l wanted you to know how grateful

l am for what you did for me.



l didn't do anyzhing. lt just happened.



The navigator just came in.

We're ready to cast off.



Well, anchors aweigh,

and have a bon voyage.



lf you need an orchestra

to play at your wedding,



we'll be through here

in a couple of weeks.



Goodbye, my darling.



l don't know about the captain but

the navigator's gettin' his tail outta here.



- Yeah, let's shove off.

- Wait a minute. My bracelet.



What happened to my bracelet?



- Your bracelet? It's ours.

- All right. What happened to our bracelet?



- We did the right thing with it.

- You're not pullin' one of your old tricks.



No tricks, no mirrors,

nothing up my sleeve.



It's on the level this time.



Where's that bourbon?



- What's the matter, Sugar?

- l don't know. All of a sudden I'm thirsty.



How did you get that bracelet?



- You like it?

- l always did.



Junior gave it to me. He's gone

to South America to marry another girl.



- That's what you call high finance.

- That's what l call a louse.



lf l were you, I'd take that bracelet

and throw it back in his face.



He's the first nice guy I've met in my life.

The only one that ever gave me anyzhing.



You'll forget him, Sugar.



How can l? No matter where l go, there'll

always be a Shell station on every corner.



I'll bring this back when it's empty.



Are you crazy? The place

is crawlin' with mobsters.



And you're makin' like

Diamond Jim Brady.



How are we gonna get outta here?

How are we gonna eat?



- We'll walk. lf we have to, we'll starve.

- There's that ''we'' again.



Not that way. We don't wanna

run into Spats and his chums.



Your hands clean?






OK, button my spats.



You sure dress nice, boss.



Say, boss. I've been talking

with the other delegates.



The word is, Little Bonaparte is real sore

over what happened to Toothpick Charlie.



- Him and Charlie was choirboys together.

- Stop or I'll bust out cryin'.



He even got Charlie's last toothpick

from the garage. Had it gold-plated.



Like l was tellin' you fellas.



Little Bonaparte's gettin' soft.

Hasn't got it here any more.



Used to be like a rock.



- It's too bad. l think it's time he retired.

- Second the motion.



How are we gonna retire him?



Oh, we'll think of somethin' cute.



Little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie

will be singin' in the same choir again.



But this time we'll make sure

there are no witnesses.



Look. The two broads from the elevator.



Hey. Join us.



What's the matter with those dames?



Maybe those dames ain't dames.



Same faces, same instruments.



- Here's your Valentine's card.

- The two musicians from the garage.



They wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago,

so we'll finish the job here. Come on.



- All right, so what do we do now?

- First we gotta get out of these clothes.



What happened?



Me and Tiny had them cornered,

but we lost them in the shuffle.



- Where were you guys?

- We was with you, at Rigoletto's.



- Why, you stupid idiot.

- Boss, we'll get 'em after the banquet.



They can't be too far away.



Thank you.



Thank you, fellow opera-lovers.



It's been ten years since l elected myself

president of this organisation,



and, if l say so myself,

you made the right choice.



Let's look at the record.

ln the last fiscal year,



we made $      million before taxes.



Only we ain't payin' no taxes.



Of course, like in every business,

we had our little misunderstandings.



Let us now observe one minute of silence



in memory of seven of our members

from Chicago, North Side Chapter,



who are unable to be with us tonight

on account of bein' rubbed out.



You too, Spats.






Easy, now.



- You know when you come out?

- Yeah. Second time they sing:



For he's a jolly good fellow

which nobody can deny.






And don't mess up the cake. l promised

to bring back a piece to my kids.



Now, fellow delegates,



there comes a time in the life

of every business executive



when he starts thinkin' about retirement.






I'm lookin' around

for somebody to fill my shoes.



I've been considerin' several candidates.



For instance, there's

a certain party from Chicago,



South Side Chapter.



Now, some people say

he's gotten a little too big for his spats.



But l say he's a man who'll go far.



Some people say he's gone too far.



But l say,

you can't keep a good man down.



Of course, he's still got a lot to learn.



The big noise he made

on St Valentine's Day,



that wasn't very good for public relations.



And lettin' them two witnesses get away.

That sure was careless.



Don't worry about those two.

They're as good as dead.



l almost caught up with them today.



You mean you let 'em get away twice?



Some people would say

that's real sloppy.



But l say: to err is human,

to forgive divine.



And just to show you

what l think of you, Spats,



the boys told me

you was gonna have a birthday.



So we baked you a little cake.



My birthday?



Why, it ain't for another four months.



So we're a little early.

What's a few months between friends?



All right, boys. Now all together.



For he's a jolly good fellow.



For he's a jolly good fellow.



For he's a jolly good fellow.



Which nobody can deny.



Which nobody can deny.



Which nobody can deny.



For he's a jolly good fellow.



For he's a jolly good fellow.



For he's a jolly good fellow.



Which nobody can deny.



Big joke.



Let's get outta here.



Get those two guys.



What happened here?



There was somethin' in that cake

that didn't agree with 'em.



My compliments to the chef. Nobody

leaves this room till l get the recipe.



You wanna make a federal case of it?






They slipped through our hands.



We're watchin' the train station, roads

and airport. They can't get away.



- Did you hear that?

- But they're not watching yachts.



- You're gonna call Osgood.

- What'll l tell him?



Tell him you're gonna elope with him.



Elope? But there are laws, conventions.



There's a convention, all right.

There's also the ladies' morgue.









Hey. That's no dame.



None of that, Sugar.



No guy is worth it.



Grab her.






- Osgood's meeting us at the pier.

- We're not on the pier yet.






My friend Josephine,

gonna be a bridesmaid.



- Pleased to meet you.

- Come on.



She's so eager.



Wait for Sugar!



- Another bridesmaid?

- Flower girl.



- Sugar, what are you doing?

- l told you, I'm not very bright.



Let's go.



You don't want me, Sugar.



I'm a liar and a phoney.

A saxophone player.



One of those no-goodniks

you keep running away from.



l know. Every time.



Sugar, do yourself a favour.

Go back to the millionaires.



The sweet end of the lollipop,



not the coleslaw in the face

and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.



That's right, pour it on. Talk me out of it.



l called Mama.

She was so happy, she cried.



She wants you to have

her wedding gown. It's white lace.



Osgood, l can't get married

in your mother's dress.



She and l, we are not built the same way.



- We can have it altered.

- Oh no, you don't.



Osgood, I'm gonna level with you.

We can't get married at all.



Why not?






ln the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.



Doesn't matter.



l smoke. l smoke all the time.



l don't care.



l have a terrible past. For three years

I've been living with a saxophone player.



l forgive you.



l can never have children.



- We can adopt some.

- You don't understand, Osgood.



- I'm a man.

- Well,



nobody's perfect.


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