Stepford Wives Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Stepford Wives script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Nicole Kidman, Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick, Christopher Walken, yadda yadda.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Stepford Wives. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Stepford Wives Script



Ladies and gentlemen, I would

now like to introduce



a legend in our industry.



She's the most successful president

in the history of our network



and for the past five years has

kept us at the very top of the ratings.



She's our maverick, our wild card,



and today she's gonna take us

right to the edge.



Please welcome a giant, a genius



and the hardest-working person

in television: Joanna Eberhart.



Way to go, Joanna!



Thank you all so much. Thank you.






That feels good, especially coming

from such a fantastic group of people



from all across our great nation,

our network affiliates.



Give yourselves a great big hand.

You deserve it.



And I want

a big, fat Christmas bonus.



Just kidding, but not really,




...I am so excited, I am so on fire,

I am so guts-and-glory passionate



about what I am about to show you.



So get ready, because

on Monday nights



the whole world will be watching

a man, a woman and a buzzer!



Are you ready

for the final gender challenge?



- Who makes more money?

- I do.



Who enters Ironman triathlons

every year and wins?



I do.



Who secretly wishes they were

married to a hot, sexy lesbian?



- I do!

- I do!



It's Tara!






...on Thursdays...



No, this is not just a TV show.



No, this is a breakthrough,

a breakout, a break-all-the-rules



and bring-on-the-Emmys







Can I present to you this planet's

ultimate reality phenomenon?



I Can Do Better!



We will all be right there

as happily-married couples



are flown first class to

a tropical island paradise



where they will be completely

surrounded by professional prostitutes.



And at the end of the week...

Well, let's take a peek.



Well, it's been a week, and Hank,

our personnel manager from Omaha,



has spent the entire seven days

with Vanessa,



our call girl and exotic dancer.



Yeah, it's been amazing.



And I'll admit we've had some fun

in the hot tub and all.



But you wanna know something,




All we did was talk...



...because I love my wife...



...and the only place I want to be

is back in Omaha with my Barbara.



Tough break, Nessa.



And Barbara, you spent Monday

with Rocky,



our bodybuilder and male escort,



Tuesday through Thursday

with the entire cast



of the XXX film Hung Jury,



and you spent

the entire weekend with Tonkiro.



And now it's time for the final

decision. Barbara, it's yours to make.



Is it gonna be Omaha?



Or "Oma-hunks"?






...before I came on this show

I only had sex with one man,



and that was usually Hank.



I love Hank deeply and forever

with all my heart,



and I would never do anything

to hurt him.



But I can do better!



The battle of the sexes,

as old as time but as...






- Excuse me?

- Why did you do it?



Oh, my God, it's Hank

from I Can Do Better!



Hank, everyone.



No, stop it.



I love Barbara. I had a family.

I had a life.






I know it hurts.



Love isn't easy.



Relationships aren't easy,

not for anyone.



But now you know the truth

about Barbara,



and you are gonna move on

with your life.



And you're gonna meet

someone wonderful,



and America is gonna love you.



Yeah. I've got a great idea

for another hot new show.



Well, tell it to us.



It's called...



...Let's Kill All the Women.

- He's got a gun!



- Joanna, are you all right?

- I am great.



Raring to go. The police were

sensational. And not a scratch.



- You haven't heard?

- About what?



That man, Hank.

Right before he tried to kill you,



he went to see his ex-wife

and five of her new boyfriends.



- He did?

- He shot all of them.



The wife is in critical condition,



and four of the guys

are on life support.



- Tonkiro?

- He's fine.



- Thank God.

- So you know what this means.



Of course.



We pay for all of their medical

treatment, every penny.



We get them the very best therapist,

childcare, rehab,



whatever they need, and then

we fly them to New York, first class,



for a prime-time special,



Hank and Barbara:

Let the Healing Begin.



You're not listening.



We can't wear this. The lawsuits

alone may bankrupt the network.



And all your new shows, the whole

lineup, the affiliates won't touch them.



We have shareholders.



We can't let you sink the network.



But we wish you only the best.



Of course.



Thank you for being so classy

and taking this so well.



Joanna, we just wanted to say

that this is so not fair.



Goodbye, everybody!



All the best!









- What happened?

- Well,



you've had a complete

nervous collapse.



And the doctors say there's a lot

of work to do,



but you're gonna be just fine.



Oh, and Pete made this for you.



- Oh, that's so sweet.

- Isn't it?



And I wanted you to know

that the minute I heard the news,



I called the network and I quit.



- You did that for me?

- Of course.



I know I was only a vice president,



but I could never work

for those people,



not after the way they treated you.



Oh, Walter...



And do you remember what today is?



It's our anniversary.



Oh, Walter...



...l'm so sorry.



Maybe that man who tried

to shoot me, maybe he was right.



Maybe I've become the wrong kind

of woman.



Maybe I've made all

of the wrong decisions.



Could we get away and start over?



And get it right, our marriage?



- But why are we moving?

- To Connecticut?



We're moving so that we can all

kick back and have a great new life



in this beautiful new town.



- Name?

- Kresby.



- Welcome to Stepford.

- Thanks.



- What do you think, guys?

- Cool.



- Good.

- Honey?



Hello, everyone. I'm Mrs. Wellington.



Welcome to Stepford.



I'm with Stepford Realty.

We spoke on the phone.



- You must be Walter.

- So nice to meet you in person.



And the little ones.



I bet you're Pete.



- Duh.

- Pete.



And he's every bit as handsome

as his dad.



Thank you.



And Kimberly, aren't you just

the cutest little bug's ear.



Bugs don't have ears.



Isn't she sassy, and a little sad.



And this must be Joanna.



- Electroshock?

- But she's doing great.



Hello, little Energizer.



The minute Walter called, I knew

this was the perfect house for you.



It's the top of the line

here at Stepford Estates,



and it's got everything

an American family could ever need.



- And may I present to you...

- Look at this.



- This is amazing.

...the great room.



I call it cozy.



And it's also a smart house. Now,

this controls the security system.



- All secure.

- It talks to the refrigerator.



We need juice, we need juice,

we need juice.



The system also monitors

all the commodes.



Where it will test your urine

for blood sugar, protein and body fat.



Flush toilets.



Isn't that great, kids?



- I'm gonna go check my room.

- Me too.



Now, Walter,

will you be commuting?






No, Joanna and I both

left the network.



Oh, look, it's the puppy.



Robo Rover     . Come on, boy.

Come on, come on, come on.






The town is over     years old.



It was founded by George Washington,

and Martha just loved it.



Stepford is Connecticut's

family paradise.



It has no crime, no poverty

and no pushing.



What is that? Up on the hill?



Well, that's

our Stepford Men's Association.



Where all our wonderful guys can get

together and stay out of our hair.



Am I right?



- Where do the women go?

- To the Simply Stepford Day Spa.



- Good morning, ladies.

- Good morning, Claire.



I would like you all to welcome

our newest citizen to Stepford: Joanna.



Good morning, Joanna.



- Are we ready to work out?

- Oh, yes.



Places and poles, please.



Wait, you work out dressed like this?



Well, of course. Whatever we do,

we always want to look our very best.



I mean, why, imagine if our husbands

saw us



in worn, dark, urban sweat clothes



with stringy hair

and almost no makeup?



Oh, good heavens.






today you are in for a special treat



because we are working on a series

of exercises



which I've personally invented,

based on simple household tasks.



I call my program Clairobics.



Because her name is Claire.



All right, now it's time to slim

and scrub.



Let's all be washing machines.







Come on, Joanna.



Spin cycle, ladies, and...












- Sweet.

- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Who's the man?



You the man.



Thank you, dear.






- Hey, how you doing?

- Walter Kresby.



- Good to see you.

- Ted Van Sant.



I'm Stan Peters.

Come on in, come on in.



- Mike said you were coming.

- Nice to see you.



Come on in.



Hear ye, hear ye. Come one,

come all, and happy Fourth of July.



At  :   will be the children's

Stars and Stripes, face painting...



Isn't this great?



A real old-fashioned town picnic.

Can't get this in Manhattan.



Which is why we're gonna stay

exactly ten minutes.



We're gonna make an appearance,

and then we're gonna get out of here.



Kids, I'm really sorry about all of this,

but let's try and have fun.



Mom, it's a picnic.



- Chill.

- Go ahead, go ahead, have fun.



Ten minutes?



Walter, you just don't get it.



These women are like

deranged-flight-attendant friendly.



- They're gonna be all over me.

- Joanna!



Here we go.



- Oh, Joanna.

- Joanna, hi.



- Hi, Walter.

- Hi.



- You look great.

- I love you in khakis.



They're new, a little experiment.



Now I know why they call it

Banana Republic.



Excuse me. Excuse me!



Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me.



Excuse me. Excuse me.



Excuse me.



Am I the only one who finds all of this

more than a little disturbing?



We are celebrating

our nation's birthday,



but there are almost no




no Native Americans,

no Asian Americans,



and... Oh, my God.



Hey, you're Joanna Eberhart.

You got such a raw deal.



Aren't you Bobbie Markowitz?



I love your books, especially

the last one. What was it called?



It was about your relationship

with your mother.



- I Love You But Please Die.

- Hey, baby. Baby.



Look what I did, look.



Happy Fourth of July, everybody.



Excuse me.

Is this guy bothering you?



- Yes, he's my husband.

- Hey Kresbo-Man.



- Hey, Dave.

- How do you know each other?



- Men's Association.

- That place.



- Did you finish the laundry?

- No, I finished a chapter.



- Did you make the sandwiches?

- Did you?



- Where are the kids?

- What kids?



Our kids.



- Hey, are you two OK?

- We're fine.



- Come on, I need a cookie.

- See what I mean?



Jerry... Jerry, it's a bake sale,

an actual bake sale.



It's like some heavenly diorama

at the Smithsonian



in the Hall of Homemakers.



Oh, no. No, stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.



That is not cobbler.



Roger, could we...? Could we reel it

in, like, a couple of hundred yards?



How do you ladies keep your figures?



Is there just a huge vat

of cobbler vomit somewhere?



- But worth it?

- Roger.



Oh, I'm sorry.



- That is...

- This is fabulous.



Jerry thinks that I overdo,

you know, everything.



Excuse me, aren't you

Roger Bannister?



The amazing architect

from The Times?



Oh, thank you. This is Jerry Harmon.



- Hi.

- Corporate attorney.



But he's getting the help

that he needs.



- Stop it.

- You stop it.



- We're new.

- Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart.



- I love the shows.

- Oh, thank you.



And Bobbie Markowitz.

Love the books.



Jerry, how did this happen?

Where did you come from?



I mean, right here in Stepford.






Attention, attention,

Fourth of July funsters,



grab your partners because it's time



for some sizzling Stepford

square dancing, so come on in.



- Square dancing?

- Cowgirls?



- We're in hell.

- Come on, Bobbie.



- Howdy.

- Howdy.



OK, everybody ready to kick up

your heels



for some barn-busting Stepford







Bow to your partners

Lose your cares



- There you go.

- Stepford stallions love their mares



All men left, all men right



Rope that filly, she won't bite



All join hands and circle sweet



Please your cowboy with your feet



- Nice shirt, Stan.

- Thanks.



Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,

yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,



yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,



- yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,

- Honey.



- yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay.

- Calm down.



Do-si-do, do-si-do,

do-si-do, do-si-do,



- Whoa, back up, guy.

- do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do...






Do-si-do, do-si-do,

do-si-do, do-si-do.



- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Is she all right?



- It's OK.

- Excuse me.



- Do-si-do.

- All right. OK. Don't try to move her.



- She's drunk.

- There's no need, thank you.



- She's blond.

- I'm her husband.



- Do-si-do.

- Jo, you're not a doctor.



Walter, I can take care of this.

I ran a network.



Walter, I can take care of this.

I ran a network.



- Somebody call    .

- Mike's here.






- Mike.

- Do-si-do.



Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do.



- Mike.

- It's OK. I'm here.



Walter, the missus.



- The missus?

- Jo, Jo.



Walter, what is your problem?



- Excuse me.

- Stand back, please.



- Hey! Excuse...

- Excuse me.



- What was that?

- Herb, Dave,



give me a hand, and we'll get

Sarah right into my Hummer.



- Your Hummer?

- It's a sweet ride.



- It's roomy.

- Here you go.



We need an ambulance.

You shouldn't be moving her.



She might need oxygen, paramedics.



Everything isn't always

about you, Jo.






She'll be fine. It's too much sun.

She's dehydrated.



- Dehydrated? Are you crazy?

- Jo. I'm sorry about this, Mike.



Joanna. Joanna, this is

a very special moment.



- I would like you to meet...

- Mike Wellington.



My husband.



- Oh...

- And you must be the famous Joanna.



You're even prettier

than in the newspapers.



- They don't do you justice.

- Excuse me, that woman is very sick.



Thank you. I should be going

with her.



She'll get all the help she needs.

Trust me, little lady.



That woman had a seizure,

and she was practically levitating.



And I have told you five million times

I phoned Herb.



He said that Sarah is fine.



She just needed some fluids,

just like Mike said.



- She was sparking, Walter.

- She was dancing.



Then why wasn't there

a doctor anywhere? And why...?






Walter! Walter!

And why did everyone



just automatically listen

to that Mike person?



And why, why was everyone

just standing there?



You mean why weren't they

just listening to you?



- That's not what I'm saying!

- Jesus Christ, Joanna!



- What?

- You were fired,



your kids barely know you,

and our marriage is falling apart.



And your whole attitude

makes people want to kill you.



It makes people try to kill you.



That's what we're doing here.



The people in this town

have been nothing



but friendly and welcoming

and wonderful to you.



And you've been nothing but snide

and suspicious.



And on top of that, at the picnic

you humiliated me.



Well, I can't do it anymore.



I can't keep fighting you for every

inch of everything. Game over.



- Marriage over.

- Oh, no!



- No!

- No what?



Please don't go.



- Why not?

- Because you're right.



Wait, I'm sorry. I don't think

I heard that. What did you just say?



I said, you're right.






About everything.



About me.



Do you know why I signed on

at the network?



Because I thought that if I was

around, I could help you lighten up.



You did?



Yeah, I did. What was that

one show called?



I Can Do Everybody?



See, that's what I mean.

I wanted to make you laugh.



That's so sweet, but I...



I was busy. I was running

a network, Walter.



You were so busy that we haven't

made love in over a year.



- I know. I...

- Well, I miss you.



But I've always loved you

so much. I...



You know that.






Because... Because...


           're goofy, and you're...



You're handsome, and you're...




You're my Walter.



And because when

you play computer chess



you do that little...



- You do that little victory dance.

- I do not. I don't do that.



- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.



But if I'm not the smartest



and the best of the best

and the most successful,



then I don't know, who am I?



You wanna find out?






First of all, we're in the country now,

so no more black.



- No more black? Are you insane?

- You heard me.



Only high-powered, neurotic,




Manhattan career bitches wear black.

Is that what you wanna be?



Ever since I was a little girl.



Do I really look OK?



Can I be honest?



- You look kind of like Betty Crocker.

- I know.



- At Betty Ford.

- We need milk.



- We need milk. We need milk.

- Thank you.



Look, I'm trying to make

an effort to change.



I mean, last night my husband

was a different person.



He was strong, he was forceful,

he was commanding.



Like your refrigerator.



Well, nobody said it was gonna

be easy being a homemaker



and a stay-at-home mom.



It's the toughest job

in the world, right?



Well, that may be, but these

Stepford women,



- they're a whole other dimension.

- Oh, like yesterday,



that poor lady, Sarah Sunderson.



Walter said she's fine.



But you said she was shooting off

sparks from her ears.



- Now, that's the first sign.

- Of what?



Cheap jewelry.



- We should go see her.

- Why?



Because we need to be supportive.



That's how people behave outside

of Manhattan.



They care about each other.



I mean, if you were in New York

and one of your neighbors got sick



- what would you do?

- We'd call her.



- To see if she was gonna die.

- So we could get the apartment.



Let's go. Up. Up. Up.






- Yoo-hoo.

- Yoo-hoo? Is she in there?



- What are you doing?

- It's open.



- That's amazing.

- So sweet.



And so trusting.









- Look at this place.

- Wow.



- Sarah?

- Sarah?






Oh, Herb.



- Oh, baby.

- Oh, yes. Oh, yes.



- Make me beg!

- Yeah!



Oh, I'm so lucky!



- Oh, my God.

- Is that a DVD?



No, it's them.



Oh, you're the king!






- I'm going up there.

- Why?



- Roger!

- I want some.



- Roger.

- Roger.



- Baby, grab me some nachos.

- Yes, dear.



What's this?



- Roger, put it down.

- What? Oh, come on.



- Roger.

- Why does it say Sarah?



Roger, you should put it down now.



- Let's get out of here.

- This isn't our house.



Oh, stop. Would you just quit?



- We have to, Roger.

- For God's sake, we're trespassing.



We have to get out of here.



- Put it down. Come on.

- OK, let's try and use this.



We have to go.



I'm so embarrassed.



I'm mortified. I'm famished.



- Bobbie.

- Yeah?



- Are you making anthrax?

- Excuse me.



I've been busy. My new book.



But can't you hire someone

to clean?



Someone brave?



Dave says I got to do it myself,

like Sarah Sunderson.



- Oh, could you believe her?

- But, darling, her home is spotless.



And she's having incredible sex

in the middle of the day



with her husband.



Well, I'm sorry, but my shrink says

I need creative chaos.



- My therapist says I need boundaries.

- My doctor said I need



enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.



- You ever done Zoloft?

- Kid stuff.



Xanax. I worship Xanax.

I'm old-fashioned.



I like Prozac with a Viagra chaser.



You're up, and you're up.



- Oh, Roger.

- Viagra.



Hey, is there something that you

need to tell us?



Well... Sharing.






Jerry and I have been

in couple's counseling...



...for over a year...



...and finally... Finally, I just couldn't

take it anymore.



I howled,

"You've become a gay Republican."



And he said,

"What's wrong with that?"



I said, "What's wrong with that?



"That's like wanting to be gay

with a bad haircut."






So the counselor suggested

that we move to the 'burbs.



- To find a balance.

- We moved here as a last resort.



Court order. Don't ask.



OK. I know this is unthinkable,



but what if we could actually learn

how to be happy...



...without Paxil

or compulsive overeating?



What if we actually gave

this whole thing a try for real,



the whole Stepford thing?



- Hey, yeah!

- Only one can survive.



Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!



Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!



- Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

- Come on, Kresbo baby.



- Zeus! Zeus!

- Rip her bra off!



Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!






- Yeah!

- Zeus rules the universe!



And Ted owes Walter

   big ones!



Ah, to be a man.



So, Walt,



you and Stepford,

it seems like a real match.



I'll say. I mean, the town

and the houses. This place.



Well, it's like a dream. It's like...



Like the way life was meant to be.



And all of your wives.

Oh, my God.



Oh, my God. They're so... So...









Super fine?






We are all so thrilled to be here

at the Stepford Book Club,



I can't tell you.



Now, I have just finished

the third volume



of Robert Caro's

Life of Lyndon Johnson,



and I am dying

for the next installment.






That's all marvelous,

but today we are going to discuss...



Well, it is probably the most important

book any of us will ever read.



Yes, it is provocative,

but it is also inspiring.



The Heritage Hills Special Edition

Golden Deluxe Treasury



of Christmas Keepsakes

and Collectibles.



This book said to me,



"Let's celebrate the birth

of our Lord Jesus Christ with yarn."



Now, Bobbie, we all realize you're

probably feeling a bit uncomfortable



with this week's book

because you're...



- Oh, what's the word I'm looking for?

- New?



- Scared?

- Cranky?



- Jewish.

- Same thing.



But the Heritage Hill series

is very inclusive.



In fact, there is a whole chapter

about Hanukkah.



I just love the chapter on pinecones.



They're not just for wreaths

and centerpieces.



You can use pinecones to create

a very special Yuletide menorah.



Your pinecone snowman

could be Jewish.



Just add one of those little beanies.



Or maybe I could just use

hundreds of pinecones



to spell out the words "Big Jew"



in letters    feet tall

in the snow in my front yard.



That's a wonderful idea.



- Oh, yes, yes.

- That's very wonderful.



- Yes.

- She's so smart.



I love the idea of creating

a life-sized Santa Claus,



- all out of pinecones.

- OK, I love that.



I'm going to use a pinecone in

my nativity as the baby Jesus.



And I'm going to attach

a pinecone to my vibrator



and have a really merry




Here comes Santa Claus

Here comes Santa Claus



Right down Santa Claus Lane



He's got a bag that's filled with toys

For the boys and girls again



So jump in bed, cover up your head

Because Santa Claus comes tonight



- Who?

- Santa Claus comes tonight



Joanna, how is she fitting in?









I'm among friends, right?



- Of course.

- Yeah.






Joanna and I had this big talk,



and we were really open

with each other.



I mean, we really got it all out.



And I think from now on...



...she's gonna be very, very different.



You think Joanna's

really going to change?



Yes, I do. Absolutely.



And how long

have you been married?



- Ted!

- Yes.



Don't you owe Walter $  ?



That's absolutely right, I do.






Yes, darling?



Walt, sit down.



I need   .



- You know my PIN.

- Of course.



She gives singles.



Are these all for day camp




I just want you to be proud of me,




Dad, watch this.






- Aren't robots cool?

- Oh, yeah.



May I speak to the man

of the house?



- Snot-butt.

- Funkmaster Markowitz.



- Stone-cold Thriller Killer Kresbo.

- Cupcakes, anyone?



- Cupcakes!

- Cupcakes.



Hey, right on time.



Jo, these are smoking.



- Why don't you make stuff like this?

- Why don't you?



Because I have a penis.



- We should get moving.

- Yeah, we got a meeting.



- At the Men's Association.

- When will you be home, honey?



When I'm home.



Call a sitter.



Bobbie, are you sure about this?



We're not spying. We're just visiting.



Fellas, I can't tell you

how happy we are



to welcome all of this new blood.



- You said it, Mike.

- That's right.



I love, love this space.



It's very Ralph Lauren meets

Sherlock Holmes.



It says, "I have taste and a scrotum."



- Roger, you promised.

- What?



- Whore.

- Bore.



- Sorry.

- No, no, no.



Jerry, you're gonna find that

Stepford is very open-minded.



- Oh, yeah.

- We welcome you and your partner,



just like any other couple.



Absolutely. Any other.



- That's right.

- Girlfriend.



Miss... Miss Thing.



- To Stepford!

- Stepford!



You bet.






Damn. Come on, let's go.



You think this is all right,

sneaking around?



Add it up.



All the women around here

are perfect sex-kitten bimbos.



All the men are drooling nerds.



- Doesn't that seem strange?

- Not to me.



- Why not?

- I work in television.



Oh, come on.



You know, Walter,

I think Joanna is right.



- I think Stepford is the answer.

- She's a great gal.



Or she will be.



- Come on, help me up.

- We shouldn't be here.



Oh, come on.

Don't be such a chicken.



- I should be home with my cupcakes.

- Why?



Because you only made

     of them?



- We're trespassing.

- Only if we get caught.



Damn, I can't see a thing.



Oh, there's the light.

There it is.



No, Bobbie.



This is like some alien freak show.



Why? They're just family portraits.



Yeah, that's what I said.



The lights.



We should get out of here.



Should we run?



Oh, my God.






- Hi, girls!

- Roger!



You scared us.



- What are you doing in here?

- What's going on?



Do they have hookers or old Playboys

or cable porn?



Oh, please.

They barely have throw pillows.



- They're coming.

- The menfolk.



- Call us.

- OK.






What was it?

Did you see anyone?



Not a soul.



But what's back here anyway,

in all of these rooms?



Storage? Sweaters?






- Jerry.

- Do you see that door on your left?



Check it out.



Oh, boy.



Why, I can't see anything.

It's dark.



Use your flashlight.



I feel like Nancy Drew in

The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis.



What am I looking for?



Look down.












- Bobbie.

- Roger!



- Bobbie?

- Roger!



Roger said there was nothing going on

at the Men's Association.



Well, then why doesn't he

answer the phone?



- It's been two days.

- Bobbie.









Isn't that his favorite shirt,

the Dolce & Gabbana?



The Guccis.



- And the Versace.

- Maybe he's donating them.



To what? The gay homeless?



He loved this.



His program from Hairspray.



- Oh, my God.

- What is it?






Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Jerry Harmon, and I...



I know I'm pretty new here,

but already I feel so at home.



Why did Jerry ask us

to meet him here?



Proud that I can introduce Stepford's

brand-new candidate for state senate.



Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you Mr. Roger Bannister.






He's wonderful.



Thank you.



Thank you so much.



You may very well ask, what are

my qualifications for higher office?



Well, I believe in Stepford, America

and the power of prayer.



Values I've discovered thanks

to my partner,



in life and in the Lord,

Jerry Harmon.



Roger. Roger.



Yes. Is there a question?

Mrs. Markowitz?



So you two are happy now?



More than ever. Because now

I know that being gay doesn't mean



a guy has to be effeminate

or flamboyant or sensitive.



- I'm no sissy.

- No.



- Way to go, Roger!

- That's a man!



- Roger?

- Yes. Mrs. Walter Kresby.



Roger, I don't understand.

You were out there, you were Roger.



And now...



Now you're different.

Your hair, your clothes.



- You're like someone else.

- People change.



You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.



So that's why we have

to leave Stepford?



- I'm not following.

- OK.



Before, Roger was witty

and stylish and ironic.



- And I'm sure he still is.

- No.



Now he's making speeches

in a Brooks Brothers suit.



Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay.



Don't try to make him

into a stereotype.



Bobbie is right,

and she's leaving too.



This place does something to people.



All of the women are always busy

and perfect and smiling,



and all of the men are always happy.



- And that's a problem because...?

- Because it's not normal, Walter.



It's... It's not the world. It's not us.



And I'm picking up our kids

from camp right now,



and we're getting out of here.



With or without you.






You'll never change, will you?



Not really.



Open the door.



Unlock front.



And you're right.



About what?



If you're that unhappy,

then we should move.



Maybe head back to the city.



We could leave tomorrow.



Thank you.



Thank you.



What do you got there? Huh?






It's   a.m. What are you up to?



Just recipes for tomorrow.

I like to get a head start.



- On what?

- Apple pie. Bobbie recommended it.



I'll be right up.









Bobbie? Bobbie!



Oh, my God.






Good morning, Joanna.



Isn't it a lovely morning?



That's a pretty color.



- Mom!

- Mom!



Good morning, my precious ones.



And thank you for leaving

your requests on my e-mail.



Adam, you wanted

peanut butter and jelly, no crusts,



a Snickers bar and a Rolex.



Ben, here's a whole-wheat burrito,



a soy protein shake and three pieces

of German chocolate layer cake.



- From scratch?

- Of course.



And, Max, you get bacon,

lettuce and tomato



on a lightly-toasted

sesame seed bagel.



But what about my action figures?



There's Mace Windu and Amidala.



- Where's Boba Fett?

- They were out.



- Mom!

- Here's $   .



All right.



Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna.



Oh, they grow up so fast.

I think I'll have three more.



Bobbie, listen to me.

What have they done to you, huh?



What have they done to you?

Is it drugs?



Is it brainwashing?

Come on, hey, talk to me.



Of course, but only for a minute.

Then I have to get to work



on this pigsty. Coffee?



No, no coffee. Bobbie, Bobbie.



Last night I went online, all right?

And I found out,



all of the women here,

they used to be big deals,



I mean, big deals.



CEOs, executives, judges.



Sarah Sunderson,

she used to run an airline.



With that perfect skin.



No. No, no, no.

She didn't used to look like that.



- None of the women did. They...

- Coffee?



Coffee? No. No coffee.



Bobbie. Bobbie. This isn't you.



That's right, Joanna. This isn't me.



It's a whole new me.



I'm happy and I'm healthy

because I understand



- what's important in life.

- Yes.



- Your new book.

- That's right.



That's what's important,

my new cookbook.



And my husband and my family

and making a perfect home.



It's a lesson every gal needs to learn.



Especially you.



I'm your friend, Joanna.

I'm going to help you.



- You need me.

- You stay away from me.



You're driven.



- Well, sometimes.

- And you're selfish.



- You wanna rule the world.

- No.



I can fix you. I can change you.



What... have... they... done to you?



Let's get busy.



Answer the phone.



Hello, is...? Is this the day camp?






Yes, this is... This is Joanna Eberhart.

I would like to speak to my children.



I'm coming to pick them up

right now.









Walter, where are you?



I know you've got the kids.



Pete, Kimberly!



Oh, boys.






Where are my children?



- They're perfectly safe.

- Where are my children?



- You'll see them soon.

- Where's Walter?



How could you do this?



Ever since we met,

you've beaten me at everything.



You're better educated.



You're stronger, you're faster.



You're a better dancer,

a better tennis player.



You've always earned

at least six figures more



than I could ever dream of.



You're a better speaker,



a better executive.



You're even better at sex.

Don't deny it.



I wasn't going to.



Well, don't I get anything?



You got me.



No, I got to hold your purse.



I got to tell the kids

that you'd be late again.



I got to tell the press

that you had no comment.



I got to work for you.



With me.



Under you.



All of us.



We married wonder women.






Amazon queens.

Well, you know what that makes us?



Smart, worthy, lucky.



We're the wuss.



The wind beneath your wings.



Your support system.



- We're the girl.

- And we don't like it.



- No, we don't.

- Yeah, that's right.



- You're damn right.

- Yeah. That's right.



And is this your answer,

to kill us?



Oh, no. Nothing like that.

We help you. We perfect you.



By turning us into robots?



Does any fraction of these women

still exist?



Of course. Almost everything.



- Shall we show her?

- Show me what?



It's a promotional thing I've been

working on for when we go global.



Walter, I don't think you've seen this.



Some guys ask, how do we do it?



In layman's terms,

it's really pretty simple.



Come on along.



First, we take a gloomy,

dissatisfied woman.



Then, in a very private experience

between husband and wife,



he gently places her in our

female improvement system.



It's fully automated.



And then, abracadabra.



Her transformation begins.



First, we locate her brain.



We insert a few nanochips.



Then we program them.



Also, we add

some secret, special ingredients.



To avoid any accidents,



her husband is kept

at a comfortable distance.



Safety first.



Finally, we enhance her,



to fit the ideal Stepford Wife










Everything is copasetic.



Welcome to the future.



It's a painting again.



I should explain. You see,



my real name isn't Mike.



It's just a nickname

from where I used to work.



- Where?

- Microsoft.




- Disney.






Is that why the women

are so slow?






Is this what you really want?



Women who behave like slaves,



women who are obsessed

with cleaning their kitchens



and doing their hair,



women who never challenge you

in any way,



women who exist

only to wait on you hand and foot?



- Yeah.

- That sounds good to me.



Joanna, you're a brilliant woman.



Surely you can appreciate,

at the very least,



the genius of the concept.



Picture, if you could streamline

your spouse,



if you could overhaul

every annoying habit,



every physical flaw,



every moment of whining

and nagging and farting in bed.






...if you could enjoy

the person you loved,



but only at their very best.



And the only reason for your anger,



your resentment, your rage

is really very simple.



You're furious

because we thought of it first.



While you were trying

to become men,



we decided to become gods.



Let me ask you something,



these machines,

these Stepford Wives,



can they say, "I love you"?






Of course.



Fifty-eight languages.



But do they mean it?












Joanna. Right here.



- Sarah.

- Claire.



- Marianne.

- Charmaine.



- Roger.

- Roberta.



Oh, Mike!



Mike, Mike, Mike!



Mike, Mike, Mike!

Mike, Mike, Mike!



Good evening, everyone.



What a delight to see



all of our wonderful wives

and their happy, happy husbands.



Tonight is truly the highlight

of our year because tonight



we honor our very newest citizens

of Stepford.



In my opinion, they are

the cream of the crop in couple



that proudly proclaims Stepford



the American way of love.






...l'd like to ask my wonderful woman,

my lovely wife,



my bride, my best friend,



to join me in a glorious

midsummer night's waltz.






Is everything perfect?






- Mike.

- Yeah.






- My pleasure.

- It's an honor.



- Champagne?

- Allow me.



Doors activate.



Welcome member     .



Kresby, Walter.



Entering secure area.












So, Joanna,

are you enjoying Stepford?



Oh, yes. The town is so splendid.



Everyone is so kind.



And then, of course, there's you.






And it's simple really.



Honey, grab me another Scotch.



Right away, dear.



Begin nanoreversal.



Begin nanoreversal.



Nanoreversal completed.



Deleting Stepford program.



File corrupted.



Deleting vacuuming function.






Oh, Herbert.



Restoring original personality.

Deleting Stepford program.



What is this?



What am I wearing?






Mike, there's something...



...unspeakable going on

in the ballroom.



You have to come right now.



It's an apocalypse!



What did you do to us?



- Mike!

- Mike!



Men, control your wives.



Control your wives.



It's not working!



This is not Stepford.



Mike, what's happening?



I was in the garden,

and I was dreaming of your...



Your smile and your after-shave.



And I realized...



...I can do better.



- Walt.

- She's not a robot.



- What?

- What?



What, she's not a robot?



She never was.



Wait a second.



- I couldn't do it.

- What?



Why not?



Because she's not a science project.



Because I didn't marry something

from RadioShack.



That's a shame.






That's a man.



I thought you were ready.



I thought... I thought you were ready.

I thought I knew you.



You're a disgrace.



To everything this town stands for.



To the future.



That's right, that's right. Tell him.



You're gonna have to pay for that.



Don't you touch him.






He's a Stepford Husband?



An angel.



Now he's just...



...spare parts, thanks to you.



But what are you?

Are you a person or a machine?



I'm a lady.



A real lady?



- Every inch.

- Wait.



Wait, a real, real lady?

Are you a human being?



Yes, and I may very well be

the only decent human being left.



- In Stepford?

- In the world!



She's fabulous.



All of this, Mike, the wives, Stepford,

this was all your idea?




All I wanted was a better world.



A world where men were men

and women were cherished and lovely.



Does anyone have a screwdriver?



She's nuts.



A world of romance and beauty,



of tuxedos and chiffon,

a perfect world.



But you were married to a robot.



The perfect man.



And all I wanted was to make you,

all of you...



...into perfect women.



We don't need to be perfect.



How could you do this to us?



Because I was just like you.



Overstressed, overbooked,




I was the world's foremost

brain surgeon and genetic engineer.



I had top-secret contracts

with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel.



I was driven.






Until late one night,

I came home to find...






With Patricia.



My brilliant...






...   -year-old research assistant.



It was all so...






Then early the next morning,

as I gazed across the breakfast table



at their lifeless bodies, I thought...



..."What have I done?"



But more importantly...



...what I could do to make the world

more beautiful?



I had the skills.



But I needed help

to realize my larger vision.



And so I made...






Because he was someone

other men would listen to.



And then I asked myself,



"Where would people never notice

a town full of robots?






So I decided

to turn back the clock,



to a time before overtime,



before quality time,



before women

were turning themselves into robots.



- Back off!

- Sorry.



Why didn't you change the men too?



That's next.



You're insane.



I'm in love with a waltz

and a town...



...and a man.



So, Joanna, you produced

the hard-hitting documentary,



Stepford: The Secret

of the Suburbs.



And won... Five Emmys, was it?



Oh, six.



- She's shy.

- And so humble.



And, Bobbie, your ordeal

has lead to a bestseller.



You know, I just can't hold a grudge.



So I've written my very first

book of poetry.



And it's all about hope

and communication



and the healing power of love.



What is it called?



Wait Until He's Asleep,

Then Cut It Off.



- It's a page-turner.

- I cried.



Now, Roger, good news.



You ran and won.

You're in the state senate.



- Independent.

- Next stop, the White House.



- Yes, this country needs highlights.

- That's our hero.



And, Jo, Walter really came through

for you,



so how's your marriage now?

Is everything just perfect?



No way.



But we're doing just great.



Because, um...



Because now, now we know for

sure that it's not about perfection.



Perfect. Perfect doesn't work.



What about

all those other husbands?



Are they still angry? Do they still want

all these women to be robots?



Of course. Men are pigs.



They're disgusting, they're frightened,

repulsive little rodents.



But we're trying to help them,

right, Bobbie?



- Right.

- Yes, we're trying to reeducate them.



And where are they?



Oh. Oh, they're still in Stepford.



Under house arrest.



Hey, you guys.



Which aisle is quilted paper towels?



If I don't get the right kind,

my wife's gonna kill me.



Oh, aisle three. And I need...



No talking, keep shopping.

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