Ta da! The Strange Brew transcript is here for all you fans of Canadian beer movies. The entire dialogue script, all the quotes, the whole shebang. If you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line.
[SCENE ONE - A t.v. stage]
[MGM lion belches]
Bob
Hey, growl will you?
Doug
Make some noise, you knob!
Bob
Yeah, we gotta start the movie, eh? He's not growling.
Doug
Gee, I think he's bummed out.
Bob
Stick a pin in his bum, eh?
Doug
No way.
Bob
[to lion] What are you on, Valium?
Doug
Maybe I ought crank his tail, eh, that ought to start him up. [cranks
lion's tail] Ok, start up, come on, eh!
Bob
Maybe we ought to call Marlin Perkins, eh? Get Wild Kingdom here, eh?
Oh geez, he's getting mad.
[Bob and Doug notice that the camera is on]
Doug
Oh geez, we gotta get going!
[Both run to stage set and sit down]
Bob
Do the theme, eh?
Doug
[gives Great White North theme]
Bob
Good day, eh. Oh, hey, do our new movie theme, eh?
Doug
[gives Great White North fanfare]
Bob
Beauty, eh? Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
Doug
How's it going, eh?
Bob
Welcome to our movie, eh? Ok, our topic is movies. First off, the
difference between movies and tv. Ok, go to tv!
[scene shifts to television set with Bob and Doug]
Bob
This is the difference between tv and movies, eh?
Doug
So?
Bob
Ok, go back to movies!
[lion roars]
Bob
Geez, now that hoser's growling!
Doug
Yeah.
Bob
Take off, will you? We're doing our movie!
Doug
Yeah, don't wreck our show, you hoser!
Bob
Ok, another topic. Zoom out, eh?
Doug
Yeah.
Bob
Let's show them how big the screen is, eh? Zoom out!
Doug
Look how HUGE it is, eh?
Bob
Ok, like normally we just have Great White North, eh? But look, we
got, what's that over there?
Doug
Ok, like England, and Ireland, and France, eh?
Bob
He's a genius, eh? He knows the atlas. Ok, and over here we have...
Doug
Uh, Russia and Hawaii.
Bob
Ok, so all hosers in Russia and Hawaii and England, welcome to our
movie, eh?
Doug
How's it going...COMRADES?
Bob
Ok, we made, uh, zoom back in, eh? [camera zooms back in] Ok, we made
a movie, eh? So we're going to show that now.
Doug
Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. First you've got to interview me the
director.
Bob
I've got to put up the screen, too, eh.
Doug
Don't forget. Ok, zoom in on me, the director. Come on!
[Camera zooms in on Doug]
Bob
I directed, too, eh?
Doug
Yeah, well, I've got to give them my theory on movies, eh? Ok, here's
my theory on movies, eh? You want to know how to wreck a movie, eh?
Take a jar of moths into the theater, eh?
Bob: [Fumbles with movie screen, it collapses] Sorry.
Doug
And then, like, release them at a point in the movie when you know
what's going to happen, and all the moths will fly up to the projection
booth window and cloud it up and you can demand your money back! Beauty
idea, eh?
Bob
Ok. Zoom out, eh? [Camera zooms out] Ok, this movie was shot in 3-B,
three beers, and it looks good, eh?
Doug
Hoserama. Call it hoserama, eh?
Bob
Ok, so we made a movie. So sit back and get some corn, and let's
have..uh..it's movie time.
Doug
Ok, turn it on.
Bob
Ok. [turn on projector]
----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE TWO - Their movie]
[Sign says
2051 A.D. Ten years after World War 4.]
Bob
Give 'em enough time to...
Doug
[reads sign] What?
Bob
No, more.
Doug
They saw it already!
[Both fight over sign, the camera cuts to Bob on beach]
Bob
I was the only one left on the planet after the holocaust, eh?
Doug
[off camera to Bob] Hey hoser, go!
Bob
The earth had been, like, devastated by nuclear war. Like, Russia blew
up the US and the US blew up Russia. [picks up statue from ground]
Statue of Liberty.
Doug [off camera]
Psst! Act, act!
Bob
Lucky for me I'd been off-planet on vacation at the time of the war.
There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked, so
I spent most of my time looking for beer. One day I was out looking
for a nice place to build a city for my children when I spotted a
mutant in the forbidden zone. I landed my vehicle to pursue and
destroy this genetic freak before he could warn other mutants in the
underground caves. I was kind of like a one man force, eh, like
Charlton Heston in Omega Men, did you see that? It was a beauty.
[Doug leaps out and confronts Bob]
Fleshy-headed mutant, and you friendly?
Doug
No way, eh? Radiation has made me an enemy of civilization!
Bob
Alpha base, this is Bob McKenzie. I've spotted a fleshy-headed
mutant in sector 16B. [shoots Doug with ping-pong ball gun]
Doug
Ow! Take off, you hoser!
[film breaks]
Bob
Geez, what happened, eh? Film broke! Oh geez, we've got to fix it,
eh? Sorry!
Doug
Sorry!
Bob
[looks into projector light] I can't see, eh! Turn the lights on!
Doug
[points to Bob] It was his fault, he wrecked it!
Bob
It was not, eh! Geez, we had a lot of popcorn, too. Ok, you cover,
I'll fix the film, eh?
Doug
Oh, I'm getting whiplash from my burps, eh?
[Bob tinkers with projector, and knocks the reel off]
Doug
Aw, nice going, you knob!
Patron [off camera]
Hey! What kind of movie is this?
Doug
Ok, uh, here's how to get, zoom in on me, eh? Zoom in on this! [camera
zooms to a beer bottle with a mouse in it] Ok, here's how to get free
beer, eh? Get a baby mouse and, like, put it in a bottle, and when
it's so small it will fit in, like, this hole, eh?
[Camera cuts to movie theater]
Patron
Hey! They did this on their album! Rip off!
Patron 2
Will you shut up!
Patron
AAAhhh, you shut up!
Doug [trying to insert mouse]: Like maybe with some spit...
Bob
Ok, we not going to be able to fix the film, eh, so here's what
happened in the film. After I chased the van, eh...
Doug
Don't tell them the film, eh, you're supposed to show it.
Bob
But we can't show it because it's wrecked, eh?
Doug
Just show it like this, eh? [hold up film] Zoom in on this, eh?
[camera zooms in]
Bob
Geez, that's a good idea, eh?
Patron
That's it, we're leaving, kids. Come on!
Bob [in theater]
How come everyone's going, eh?
Doug
I don't know. It get's better.
Patron 3
What a waste of money! Where's the manager? Get me the manager!
Old lady
I hope you're proud of yourselves...
Doug
Take off, eh?
Bob
Geez, how come everyone's so ticked, eh?
Doug
I don't know, but we might as well really wreck this movie now.
Bob
Did you bring the moths?
Doug
Yeah. Here we go, eh? [releases the moths]
[patrons stampede out of theater, sirens sound outside]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE THREE - Outside theater]
Patron [to teller]
Well then how about a couple of passes to a REAL movie? Can you
believe this?
[Bob and Doug emerge from hiding]
Bob
Let's get out of here, eh?
Doug
No, not that way, well get killed.
[They run out side door and run into man with crying children]
Man
They've been saving their allowance for weeks to see this movie. What
am I supposed to tell them? Just what the heck am I supposed to tell
them!?
Bob
We're real sorry. Here's some money back, it's only fifteen bucks,
here take it.
Doug
Take off, that's dad's beer money!
Man [off camera]
Hey look! They're giving refunds in the alley! Get them!
[Bob and Doug run off]
Doug
Watch out, cops, eh?
Bob
What?
Doug
Cops!
[Cop runs into Bob, accidently kneeing him in groin]
Bob
Ooo! Good thing I'm still wearing that jock, eh?
Doug
Wait up, eh?
Bob
You hurry, you hoser!
Patron
That's them! Get them!
[Bob and Doug climb into their van]
Doug
Who's driving?
Bob
You drive, there's a lot of cops around.
Doug
Ok, thanks, eh?
[Bob grabs ticket off windshield]
Bob
It's a twenty! Beauty, eh?
[Doug starts the van and takes off]
Bob
Hey, what are you going this way for?
Cop
Ok, hold it right there. Road block! Go that way!
Bob
Hey officer, I told him to go the other way!
Doug
Sorry.
Bob
My brother's drunk!
Doug
I am not, eh?
Cop
All right, move it, let's go!
**************** OPENING CREDITS ************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE FOUR - The McKenzie house]
[Bob and Doug pull into the driveway]
[Parents on couch watching Tom and Jerry]
Doug
[pushes Bob out of the way] First come first served, eh?
[They raid the donut box and beers -- one for Hosehead]
Bob
Here, boy.
Dad
Save one of those beers for me, eh!
[Bob and Doug guzzle their beers -- the last ones. They try to take
back Hosehead's, but he growls at them]
Bob
He's guarding the beer, what do we do?
Doug
Bribe him.
Bob
Yeah! Get him a donut--jelly, he likes jelly. Jelly donut coming!
Doug
Ok, Hosehead! Mmmm...delicious jelly donut.
[They toss the donut to the dog and grab his bowl of beer]
Bob
Get a glass, eh?
Dad
What the heck's going on in there?
Bob and Doug
We're just getting your beer.
[Pour *gross* beer into glass]
Doug
You take it to him.
Bob
No way, eh? You take it to him.
Doug
No, you.
Bob
No, you take it. I'm letting go of the beer.
Doug
Ok, fine.
[Glass drops to the floor and breaks]
Doug
Dad, Bob broke your beer!
Bob
No I didn't, Doug broke it!
Mom
Clean up the mess, boys.
Dad
I want you hosers to get me a fresh case of beer first thing in the
morning.
Bob
We're going to need some money!
Dad
Use the money I gave you today, you idiots!
Doug [to Bob]: Way to go, you gave away the money.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE FIVE - Beer store]
Bob
What's going to happen if this plan doesn't work, eh?
Doug
The old man will boot us out of the house and we'll have no place to
sleep, eh?
Bob
Yeah, I can live in this van, eh? I don't need...
Doug
Take off! You need money to live or you'll starve!
Bob
Well this plan sucks, I'm not going in.
Doug
You are, too, or I'll tell the old man you gave away his beer money.
Bob
Ok, ok...you boss me around...
Patron
Morning George! [buys beer and walks off]
Attendant
Well?
Doug
Elsinores.
Bob
Twelve!
Doug
Twenty-four, yeah, twenty-four Elsinore beers.
Attendant
Twenty-four Elsinore! That will be $14.70.
Doug
I believe there will be no charge on this two-four of beer, thank you.
Attendant
Excuse me?
Doug
Ok, uh, we found this mouse in a bottle of Elsinore beer that we bought
at your beer store, eh? And we heard that when that happens you get
your beer free.
Bob
It's in the Canadian Criminal Code, eh. Like there's legal precedence
set in cases in law, eh?
Doug
So, like give us our free beer.
Attendant
You want free beer? Go to the brewery. Now get out of here before I
put the two of you in a bottle.
Doug
You sure you don't want to think this over?
Attendant
[seizing them both by their collars] I'm sure.
Doug
Ok, we're going.
Bob
Yeah.
Doug
See ya.
[Everybody in store ridicules them]
----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE SIX - Outside the brewery at fork in road]
Bob
Geez, there's a lot of arrows, eh? Elsinore castle, uh, Elsinore
brewery, Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane..hey, that's
the loony bin, eh?
Doug
Yeah, sure looks spooky up there. I don't the looks of this at all.
Bob
Where should we go? The loony bin or the brewery?
Doug
I'm taking YOU to the loony bin and I'm going to the brewery.
Bob
Take off, eh? Take me to the brewery.
Doug
Ok, but then I'm taking you to the loony bin!
[cut to car stuck in electric fence]
Doug
Oh geez, look at that!
Pam
Help!
Bob
Geez, what should be do, eh?
Pam
Get me out of here!
Doug
Hold it! Your tires are insulators--don't get out of the car or you'll
ground and get electrocuted.
Bob
He hooked up our stereo, eh?
Pam
I can't get out, the doors are stuck!
Doug
You know what we've got to do, eh? Ram her from behind! Come on!
Bob
Who's driving?
Doug
You are...in case she sues for whiplash I don't know you...I'm just a
hitch-hiker, eh?
Bob [to Pam]
You won't sue for whiplash, will you?
Pam
Hurry!
[They climb into the van and ram the car, knocking it free]
Pam
Hey! Thanks a lot!
Bob
Ok, eh! Did you see her looking at me?
Doug
Yeah, because she thought you were some kind of freak, now come on!
Bob
Take off, she likes me, eh?
[cut to villains in their computer room -- Bob and Doug on
surveillance equipment]
Claude
What happened?
Ted
There was a power surge at the main gate. We lost picture, but we
have it back now.
Claude
Is she here?
Ted
Yes. But she's not alone, she's got two guys with her.
Claude
Lawyers! I knew this would happen! Don't let them in.
Ted
[monitors crackle with static] They're already in. Dang distortion,
that's twice.
Claude
Where is he?
Ted
Oh, he's back in the 'thing.'
[Claude knocks on hidden door -- it opens and Brewmeister Smith
emerges--from a bathroom]
Smith
Yes?
Claude
She's here.
Smith
What are YOU doing here?
Claude
Uh, Ted said she had lawyers with her...I thought we should discuss it.
Ted
I did NOT say they were lawyers, YOU said they were lawyers.
[Smith looks at monitor, which shows Bob and Doug kicking car tires in
the parking lot]
Smith
They don't look like lawyers to me! [to Claude] Do you have the check?
Claude
Yes, it's right here [pats shirt pocket].
[Smith grabs Claude's tie and lifts him up]
Smith
Did her mother sign it?
Claude
Yes, she did.
Smith
And you know what to do.
Claude
Yes, yes I know.
[cut to Bob and Doug outside of the brewery]
Bob
It's real big, eh?
Doug
Yeah, don't get scared. Just think of all the free beers we're going
to get.
----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE SEVEN - Inside brewery]
Secretary
Good morning, how may I help you?
Doug [pointing to picture on wall]
We have an appointment with that guy there, eh?
Secretary
I'm sorry, Mr. Elsinore passed away recently.
Doug
Uh, yes. We made the appointment with the deceased quite some time
ago. We were away on business, eh?
Secretary
[flips through Roledex] How long ago was it?
Doug
When did he die?
Secretary
I beg your pardon?
Bob
Uh, wait. Ok, you know his replacement, the new boss. We made our
appointment with him, eh? What was his name again?
Secretary
I'm afraid that's private company business.
Doug
I see. Well, perhaps one of THESE [pulls out donut] would refresh your
memory, eh?
[Secretary hesitates, then snatches donut]
Secretary
Well, the day after HE died, his brother Claude married his wife and
took over the entire brewery. But there's a daughter...[she pauses]
Doug [to Bob]
Go, eh?
Bob
It's my last one!
Doug
Go!
[Bob give his donut to the secretary]
Bob
It's a jelly.
[Secretary takes donut]
Secretary
She just turned 21, and legally inherits the whole brewery.
Bob
So SHE'S the new boss?
[cut to boardroom]
Claude
However, today I've asked Pamela to stop by so we could present her
with this honorarium and temporary share transfer agreement.
Henry
In other words, you're buying her out!
Claude
No one is buying anyone out, Henry. This is a temporary arrangement to
relieve her of the burden of ownership so that she can continue with
her studies.
Henry [to Pam]
Do you WANT to be relieved of the burden of ownership?
Pam
Well, I don't know. Five million dollars is an awful lot of money.
My mother might have accepted your proposals, but I don't! Forget it,
uncle. I'm taking over the brewery!
Lawyer
There's a legal question to be considered here... Essentially this is a
vote of trust.
[cut to Bob and Doug wandering aimlessly in the hallways]
Bob
Come on, we're lost.
Doug
We are not!
Bob
We're lost in the brewery!
[Doug wrestles with Bob until LaRose emerges from doorway]
LaRose
Who are you?
Doug
Ah, yes. We have an appointment with the president--the new president,
not the one who died--of the brewery. Mr. Claude Elsinore. Perhaps
you've heard of him?
LaRose
Come on, I'll show you.
Bob
You know how that is? That's Jean LaRose, the Montreal Canadien
Rookie-of-the-Year two years ago, but he doesn't play hockey no more.
Doug
Take off, he's a cop and he knows you're lying about the mouse in the
bottle and he's going to arrest you and I'm going to be a witness.
Bob
I've got that guy's hockey card all over my room!
[cut to computer room, monitor shows Bob and Doug fighting]
Ted
Looks like LaRose's picked up those two hicks.
[cut to office]
Claude
But you don't know how to run a brewery! Who will handle the day-to-
day operations?
Pam
Henry Green ran it for my father, he can run it for me!
Henry
I'll help all I can. Excuse me. I just don't want to step on Smith's
toes.
Pam
Who?
[There's a knock at the door]
Claude
What? We're having a meeting!
LaRose [entering]
These gentlemen here say they have a meeting with you, eh?
Claude
When? What meeting?
Bob [to Pam]
Hey whiplash, how's it going?
Pam
Just fine, thanks.
[Pam and LaRose lock eyes to the tune of cheesy music]
Claude
What is the reason for this?
Doug
Are you Claude Elsinore?
Claude
Yes.
Doug
Well, we found this mouse in a bottle of YOUR beer, eh? Like we was at
a party, and a friend of ours, a cop, had some and he puked. And he
said 'come here and get free beer,' or he'll press charges.
Claude [looks at bottle]
Henry, could this have happened?
Henry
Well, not so long ago, when there were MEN on the bottling lines,
this sort of thing DIDN'T happen.
Pam
So let's get some MEN on the bottling line!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE EIGHT - The bottling line]
Henry
Welcome to 1984, the age of automation and unemployment. The rise of
the machine and the fall of man. The end of the human era. [to Bob
and Doug] You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
Doug
What? We can't hear you. We've got these things in our ears, eh?
Henry
Watch your step and remember, Big Brother is watching you. Put these
on [hand them goggles]. Safety requirements. [to Bob] Your job is to
watch the bottles on this line, watch them for mice!
Doug
What's my job?
Henry
Help him.
[Bob and Doug count beer bottles. Bob grabs two beers.]
Bob
You got an opener?
Doug
Yeah, I stole this! [he opens the bottles]
Bob
Two at a time, eh?
Doug
Yeah...to our new jobs, eh?
Bob
Cheers!
[cut to computer room]
Smith
Let me see what you've got.
Ted
Ok.
Smith
Good. Now bring the lunatics from the Institute. I want to see how
the drug in the beer is affecting them.
Ted
They're responding to the sounds...watch this. [plays organ -- the
lunatics run through tunnel to the brewery and suit up for hockey] Ok,
basically it's the same system, with a new addition. Specific tones
are still linked to motivation, but now we've added color
distinction. So, object A will attack object B, or black will attack
white, or vice versa. I'm going to try the whole thing out tomorrow.
Smith
Same concentration of formula?
Ted
Yes.
Smith
Good, that means we're right on schedule. Just one more test, and
then we are ready for the world! Light them up.
[Ted punches up lights on world map]
Smith
Thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE NINE - Elsinore castle--Claude, his wife, and Pam at dinner,
well dressed and eating KFC]
Claude
You know, Pamela, I don't want you to think that your mother and I
don't understand how you feel about losing your father.
Mother
If it had been ME, you'd have been over it by now.
Claude
It's easy to wallow in self pity--the hard thing is to go on living.
Mother
We always have our memories. The Colonel is dead, here we are still
enjoying his chicken!
Pam
Don't you think it's a little unusual to get married so soon after the
funeral?
[Claude shifts in his chair]
Claude
More bean medley, dear? [gives beans to mother]
[cut to McKenzie home]
Mom
Well, where'd you boys get all this beer?
Dad
You stole it, didn't you!? I'm calling the police!
Bob
No way, dad. This was free beer, dad. There's more outside.
Dad
How much more?
Doug
Oh, about ten or twelve cases. We got jobs at Elsinore brewery. We
work there now, eh?
Dad
Do you hear that, honey? They got JOBS! They got FREE BEER!
Hahahahahah!
[Bob and Doug go to retrieve more beer]
Bob
We're really in good with our folks now, eh?
Doug
Yeah, well let's not blow it by sleeping in and being late for our
first day on the job.
Bob
Well, why don't we stay up all night?
Doug
Beauty.
Dad
Honey, call the neighbors! Never mind, I'll do it myself! [on phone]
Hey George, the boys got jobs!
[Neighbors wake up and tell dad to shut up]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE TEN -- Brewery--Pam walks in, sees Bob and Doug sleeping on
couch in lobby]
Secretary
They were here when I got here.
Pam
Guys!
Bob
Shut up, ma. [wakes up] Oh, geez! Good day, eh? We got here too
early...we was just waiting.
Pam
Well where's Henry Green? Weren't you supposed to meet him here?
Bob
Geez, I just got up, eh? I don't know.
Pam
Ok, well come on. You can't leave this mess here, so I'll show you to
the cafeteria and then we can go and find Henry Green, ok?
Bob [to Doug]
Get up!
[Bob and Doug bonk heads and begin fighting]
[cut to cafeteria]
Pam
Well, there's no staff, so I guess there's no reason to have a
cafeteria.
Bob
I told you we brought too many donuts. Geez, this is spooky.
Doug
It's like a ghost town. [Tickles Bob's ribs and shouts Boo!, making
Bob jump and drop the donuts]
Bob
Take off, eh?
[Doug howls like a wolf]
Doug
Look out, eh?
Pam
The lights don't work!
Bob [checking vending machines]
Hey, check this out! There's sandwiches and smokes in these
machines, eh?
Doug
Here's an old Galactic Border Patrol game!
Bob
Hey, there's Joe Louie, and, geez, is that tuna or what?
Doug
Plugs aren't working.
Bob
Hey give me some quarters will you, I'm going to have chocolate milk.
Doug
Forget it hoser, the power's turned off.
Pam
Came on guys, let's go.
Doug
Hey, there's a door here! [tries it] It's locked. Hey Pam, you got a
credit card?
Bob
Pam, you got a credit card?
Pam
Well, yeah, I do.
Bob
She's got a credit card!
Doug
Ok give it to me, I need it!
Bob
He needs your credit card.
[Pam gives her credit card to Bob]
Bob
Ok coming credit card! Geez, travel, eh? [gives card to Doug] Ok,
here you go.
Doug
Beauty.
Bob
Like he once got our dead battery going by mixing bird feces and spit,
cause there's like acid in it. So, you travel quite a bit?
[Doug opens door and turns power back on. The vending machines spit
out all their contents and the video games turn on]
Bob
Beauty! Look at the machines! Jackpot!
Pam [to Doug]
How'd you do that?
Doug
Well, I know some stuff about electricity, eh?
Bob: [grabs stuff from floor] Here's a chocolate! [throws a milk to
Doug] Cheers! [starts to drink chocolate milk]
Doug
[looks at carton] Geez, hoser, this is four months old!
[cut to computer room, where an alarm is going off]
Smith
What is it?
Ted
The power is on in the old cafeteria.
Smith
Our nosey little friends?
Ted
It must be them.
Smith
I think it's time the little lady and I had a chat.
[cut back to cafeteria]
Bob
Sorry I ralphed, Pam.
Pam
You shouldn't have had that chocolate milk.
Bob
I know. Sorry about your sweater. You can take it out of my pay if
you want.
Pam
That's ok.
Bob
Geez, you're real nice. If I didn't have puke breath I'd kiss you.
Doug
Hey Pam! Your name's on this machine! You got to level six, I only got
to level five. Beauty playing.
Pam
I've never played that game before.
Doug
Well, your name's right here. Not a bad score either.
Pam
21-10-59. That's my birthdate! October 21st, 1959.
[Video game beeps]
Doug
Hey! My name's gone! Who's John Elsinore?
Pam
My father!
Bob
Fresh as a daisy! Hey can I play?
Doug
Sure. Ow! [takes hand from machine] This things hot! You'd better kill
this thing! Hey, the plug's glowing! [kick plug out, turning off
machine]
[LaRose enters]
LaRose
Ms. Elsinore?
Bob
Hey Rosie!
LaRose
Mr. Smith is waiting for you.
Pam
Where is he?
LaRose
In the brewery room. I can show you the way.
Pam
No thanks, it's ok. I can find my way myself. See you guys later.
Bob
Hey thanks for the jobs, eh?
Doug
Yeah, we'll work real hard, eh?
Bob
Hey Rosie! Will you sign this hockey card? I brought it from home.
LaRose
Where'd you get that?
Bob
Well, I collect them, but I already had the gum, eh? Sign it to Bob
McKenzie, my good pal. Put Rosie LaRose, I know you like it when
people call you Rosie.
Doug
Hey, how'd Pam's dad die?
LaRose
He was electrocuted.
Bob [to Doug]
Take off, will you? He's signing my card. Hey that was a great hat
trick you had against Czechoslovakia, eh? Sorry about your nervous
breakdown. Guess it kind of screwed up your career, eh?
Doug
You had a nervous breakdown, huh? Me too, when he was born.
Bob
Take off, you hoser.
Doug
You take off, you knob.
[Bob and Doug spit at each other]
[cut to brewery room]
Smith
Good morning, Miss Elsinore! I'm brewmeister Smith. My condolences to
you on the loss of your father.
Pam
I appreciate your sympathy, but I came here to talk about my plans for
the brewery. But it's really YOUR brewery now, isn't it.
Smith
Well, I'm very flattered that you think I'm that important, but of
course it's not true. I'm just an employee.
Pam
Oh, really? Well, who employed you to install surveillance cameras?
Smith
Well, you see, the brewery business has become very competitive these
days, so security is extremely important.
Pam
What made this brewery great is that my father ran it as a family
business. I'm afraid you have two weeks notice, Mr. Smith.
Smith
You must be out of your mind, young lady! It takes experience to run
a brewery, and you have none!
Pam
I don't plan on doing it alone.
[cut to computer room]
Claude [to Smith]
All right, let's not get excited. I'm the president of the company,
I'll just hire you back. She has no right...
Smith
She HAS the right. She has 51%. That's all the right she needs.
Claude
You're right. Well, what are we going to do?
Smith
I have a plan. [goes to desk and gets tranquilizer guns]
Claude
Oh, no. No rough stuff. That was our deal. I mean, we had a deal. I
don't have the stomach for it.
Smith
You stinking hypocrite! You murdered your own brother! You had the
stomach for that!
Claude
The second time. The second time I murdered him. You murdered him
first. He was already dead when I killed him. I can't go through
with that again. There'll be police, there'll be questions. I'll
crack, I know I will!
Smith
[slaps Claude repeatedly] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We are not going
to kill anyone.
Ted
Excuse me, brewmeister. We are ready for the exercises.
Smith
Good.
Claude
You're going to conduct those experiments? With her walking through
the brewery? Suppose she sees...
[Smith hauls Claude up by his ear]
Smith
Where are the fools with the mouse?
Ted
They're with Henry Green.
Smith
Put them in the game. Take it to level 5.
Ted
Level 5, sir?
Smith
LEVEL 5!!
Claude
Do it, do it!
[Smith drops Claude and gives him a gun]
Smith
Take this--we have work to do.
----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE ELEVEN -- The hockey rink]
LaRose
I have to go through with this, but don't worry. You won't get hurt--
your equipment should protect you.
Bob
Being on the same team as you is all the padding I need, Rosie.
LaRose [to Doug]
Hey, are you ok?
Bob
Hey hoser, you ok?
Doug
[breathing heavily] I am your father, Luke. Give in to the dark side
of the Force, you knob!
Bob
He saw Jedi seventeen times. Beauty, eh?
[Loudspeakers blare music]
LaRose
Better go to your goals.
[Bob and Doug go to their respective goals]
Bob [to LaRose]
Have a good game, eh?
[Loudspeakers blare and the puck drops down. The white team clobbers
the black team and races toward Doug. Music blares and white team
stops]
Doug
The power of the Force stopped you, you hosers!
[Black team gets up and skates toward Bob]
Bob
Ok, cover your shorts. Don't get deep. Stick on the ice.
[Black team clobbers Bob, then rejoins white team at center ice]
Bob
That was no goal, you know! That was in the crease!
[White team skates toward Doug]
Doug
Come back and fight, you hosers! Come on, eh?
[White team clobbers Doug, who lays on ice, moaning]
Doug
Oh, my left nut.
[cut to cafeteria, where Pam restarts the video game]
Henry
Careful!
Pam
It's ok...it did that before. Now, I think he just pressed one of
these buttons.
Henry
What are you doing?
Pam
It will just take a moment...
[Screen blips and names re-appear]
Pam
There, see that? See that number? April 4th, that's the day he died.
[Screen blips and shows video footage]
Henry
That's the tape they showed at the inquest! Look!
[Screen shows new footage of Claude and Smith pushing John Elsinore
against electrical fence. Also shows Smith strangling John in the
computer room.]
Pam
They killed him!
Henry
It looks that way.
[cut to locker room]
Doug
Your sucking white skates skate like a figure skater.
Bob
Well, these are like referee skates--at least figure skaters know how
to skate, eh?
Doug
Hey! Somebody horked our clothes!
Bob
Geez! Who'd want to hork our clothes, eh?
Doug
Maybe a couple of these guys got sick and tired of wearing their
pajamas.
Bob
No, they're all out on the ice.
Doug
Let's go report this to our boss, eh?
Bob
No, let's go see if there's a lost and found.
Doug
No, let's report this to our boss.
Bob
No, lost and found's a better idea.
[Bob and Doug wander around. Doug sneezes into brewery vat.]
[Cut to Pam and Henry entering control room]
Pam
Have you ever been in here before?
Henry
Yeah, but I've not seen any of this stuff before. You certainly
don't need any of this kind of hardware to make beer.
[cut to Bob and Doug in corridor]
Bob
I don't think we're going to find no lost and found, eh?
Doug
I told you that was a mistake.
[Doug hits Bob's armour and hurts his hand]
Doug
Ow!
[cut back to control room]
Pam
Who's that? [looking at monitor]
Henry
That's Smith's assistant. Look! Every camera in the place is tied
into this console! [they see themselves]
Pam
That's us!
Henry
They don't even trust themselves!
[They see what appears to be Bob and Doug behind them]
Pam
It's the guys!
[Smith and Claude shoot them with their guns]
Claude
Are you sure we didn't kill them?
Smith
Just shut up! I have it all worked out.
[Ted enters lab and startles Claude, who shoots him]
Claude
Ted!
Smith
You stupid idiot! Now he'll be asleep for two hours!
[cut to Bob and Doug drinking from beer tank]
Bob
Woooooo!! Beer shot!
Doug
Don't waste it! Here, give me that!
[Doug squirts Bob with beer]
Bob
Take off, you hoser.
[cut to Smith and Claude dragging Pam and Henry down stairs]
Smith
I told you, we take them to the loading dock and put them in beer
kegs. Hurry!
[cut to Bob and Doug blundering into computer room]
Doug
Aw, geez look at this place!
Bob
Geez, what is this place?
Doug
It's a nuclear bomb shelter!
Bob
Geez, let's get bombed!
Doug
There's probably beer here somewhere.
Bob
Yeah!
Doug
Shhh! There's a guy over there [points to Ted].
Bob
Hey, there's the game we were all in! Hey, what's with this guy. Hey,
you! [taps Ted on shoulder and Ted falls over]
Doug
You killed him! He's dead! I'm a witness! Police, police, my
brother's a murderer!
Bob
I didn't do that! Take off!
Doug
He's not dead, look, his stomach's moving.
Bob
Maybe he's just sleeping, eh?
Doug
Maybe he's going to puke--he had too many beers.
Bob
Where are the beers?
Doug
I'll find them.
[Bob inspects console]
Bob
Hey, here's the organ they was using, eh? [he starts to play]
[Doug plays with some equipment and a disk shoots out]
Doug
Hey, bootlegs! No wonder everything's so secret around here, they've
got pirates!
[Bob ignores him and Doug stuffs disk in his shorts]
Bob
Hey, this piano has a computer on it! I don't know how to work it,
eh?
Doug
It figures you wouldn't know how to work it if it's got a computer.
Bob
Oh yeah, Mr. Wizard.
Doug
Here, let me try, I'm a genius.
Bob
Those hosers are skating around in a circle.
[Doug plays Great White North theme, making the skaters fight]
Bob
Beauty, eh? Hey, that song's making them fight, eh? Do it again.
[Bob and Doug act the part of hockey announcers]
Bob
Delvecio has hurt Gretzky and they're in the dressing room trying to
find out what's to be done...
Doug
Polfer and Holman have been fighting terribly. Of course Frank
Mohammad is one of the strongest guys in the league, he made out ok,
but what a fight!
Bob
And now somebody has thrown an octopus out on the ice and Litzenburger
and Saunders are going...
[Bob and Doug slump to the floor, having been shot by Smith and Claude]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE TWELVE - The loading dock]
[Claude loads kegs into Bob and Doug's van]
Claude [to Ted]
How are the brakes?
Ted
They got two stops, then no brakes.
Claude
Good work! Listen, about that shooting business...I'm sorry about that,
I didn't mean it.
[Claude honks the horn and wakes up Bob and Doug, who are asleep in the
front seats]
Claude
You boys have a nice nap?
Doug
How's it going?
Claude
You're doing a great job here, but I have a special assignment for you.
My daughter, you know, Pamela, she's having her birthday, and I want to
deliver a couple of kegs...very special kegs, for the party.
Bob
Geez, these have beer in them, these big kegs?
Claude
Beer? Oh, yes, beer...for the party. Look, here's the map...you must
follow this route precisely, because otherwise you'll get lost and
she'll be disappointed...
[The loony patients shuffle on scene]
LaRose
Hey! Where you guys going, eh?
Claude
What? Shhh! Get out of here!
Bob
Hey, Rosie! We're going to Pam's birthday, you coming?
Claude
It's, uh, a business trip. They're going on a business trip.
Doug
Ok, so we just go down to Lakeside Park here, eh?
Claude
That's right. It's right at the bottom of the hill. You can't miss it,
it's right at the bottom of the BIG hill. Now you'd better get
started, or you'll be late!
LaRose
I'll go with you, eh?
Claude
No, open the door. Open the door...open the door.
Bob
We're going to get loaded on this beer, eh?
[Claude and LaRose open the bay door and the van drives out. The
loonies close in around Claude. Smith enters.]
Claude [to Smith]
Listen, everything's under control. Don't worry, I took care of it.
Smith
So I heard.
Claude [to loonies]
Please! Do you mind? It's getting a little crowded here...
Smith
Send those lunatics back to the institute! We have to follow the van!
Claude [to loonies]
Back to the institute! We have to follow the van!
Smith
Do as I say!
Claude
Back! Back! Go back! Go back! [to Smith] Follow the van? Oh, just to
make sure! That's a great idea, a great idea!
Smith
Get in!
Claude
I'll drive...
[cut to car following van]
Bob
Hey, did you feed Hosehead this morning?
Doug
Uh, no, I forget. Well, he was sleeping, eh?
Bob
Well make up your mind, eh?
Doug
He was sleeping.
Bob
Well, maybe we should go back and feed him?
Doug
What, in case the party goes all night?
Bob
We got two kegs!
[Doug slams on the brakes, almost causing Claude to run into the van]
Bob
What are you doing!?
Doug
Uh, I was just testing the brakes, eh? They felt a little soft.
Smith
[as van turns off route] Where are they going?
Claude
I don't understand it! I gave them a map. It was all very clear!
Smith
Follow them...
[Bob and Doug pull up in front of their house]
Doug
Ok, don't be a hog, eh? We just have time for one quick one...
Bob
Ok...last one in the house is, uh, a big idiot.
Doug
Take off, eh?
[Doug yanks Bob's collar and enters house]
Doug
I win, eh?
Bob
[surveying messy house] Aw, geez, look at this. Dad really got into
the beers, eh?
Doug
Where are they? Mom? Dad?
[Bob and Doug blunder into their parents room to find them 'bonding']
Dad
Take off, eh?
Mom
Get out!
Bob
Sorry...
Doug
Geez, I didn't think that they still...
[Hosehead confronts them as they leave, growling]
Doug
Get him his bowl quick, or he'll kill us!
Bob
Yeah, he's got a funny look in his eye!
[Camera shows Hosehead's view -- Bob and Doug appear as T-Bone steaks.]
[cut to car outside]
Smith
What the stink are they doing in there?
Claude
Would you like me to tilt your chair back?
Smith
Shut up.
[cut back to house]
Bob
Twenty cans ought to be enough, eh? [to Hosehead] Listen, we're going
to a party. Don't eat the furniture.
Doug
[fiddling with pants] I've got to get some new underwears! [he produces
the disk from the lab]
Bob
Geez! Bootlegs!
Doug
You remember where we got this?
Bob
Yeah, it was when we were running off them pirates, eh?
Doug
Yeah, was that a dream or what?
Bob
It was no dream, it was in your underwears!
Doug
Ok, let's see...this is one of those new square records that goes in a
record player that's, like, on it's side.
[Doug places the disk on his turntable]
Bob
No way, that's an EP from some British new wave band!
Doug
Take off! You don't know.
Bob
Yeah, they bootleg those, eh?
[Doug plays the disk...it begins to squeal]
Doug
What do you think?
Bob
Sounds like a British new wave band!
Doug
Not my style of music...hey Hosehead! Here's another one for your
collection! [tosses disk to dog, who catches it in his mouth]
Bob
Beauty! Hank Aaron...I wonder if he can hit?
[cut to outside of house]
Smith
There they are!
[Bob and Doug stumble into van]
Bob
Hey, who's driving, eh?
Doug
I am, because you're too loaded to drive!
Bob
I am not! I'm just getting warmed up for the party, eh?
Doug
You can't drink and drive at the same time, you hoser!
[van takes off, leaving a pool of brake fluid behind. Claude follows.
Cut to LaRose on motorcycle, heading for the party, wearing his hockey
mask.]
[cut to Smith's car]
Claude
It's nice to get away from the brewery, you know. Take a little
drive, you know.
[cut to van]
Bob
Did you ever notice that, like, in movies when they're driving they
don't look at the road for a long time?
Doug [turning to Bob]
Geez, no, I never noticed that, eh?
Bob
Yeah, it's because they're being towed by a rig.
[Doug nearly front ends a truck...cops start following them]
[cut to Smith's car]
Smith
We have them now!
Claude
Just like I told you...
[cut to van, which has started to careen down the BIG hill]
Bob
What's going on? Will you stop this thing? Come on!
Doug
The brakes aren't working!
Bob
Try the parking brake!
Doug
Take off! The parking brake NEVER works! [takes hands off wheel] No
point in steering now...
Bob
Take off! You steer this thing!
[van enters pier area, the back doors fling open and the keg containing
Henry tumbles out and is struck by the pursuing cop car. The van goes
up a ramp of crates and jumps out into the bay. As it hits the water,
the other keg falls out, and as the van sinks, Pamela emerges and
struggles to the surface. LaRose gets off his bike and dives into the
bay to save Pam. He saves Pam, but he sinks to the bottom, coming to
rest on the van's roof... The police remove the lid from Henry's keg.]
Henry
HELP!
Policeman
You'd better call an ambulance...
[The police help Pam from the bay. The inspector arrives.]
Policeman
They're down at the end of the wharf, sir.
Inspector
All right, you'd better follow us there.
Policeman
Ok, you guys follow him.
[Smith's car arrives. The inspector meets Pamela.]
Inspector
Ok back off, let's have a look here. [to Pam] You all right?
[Smith shoots Pam with tranquilizer gun. Pam faints.]
Inspector
Ok, she's fainted--call an ambulance.
Policeman 2
It's on it's way, sir!
[Smith's car takes off. The policemen look out into the water.]
Inspector
They've been down there ten minutes?
Policeman 3
Yes, sir.
Inspector
No one can survive that long. Not Houdini, not nobody.
[Camera backs out from the pier...]
******************** INTERMISSION ********************
[Back at the pier...Henry is being loaded into an ambulance. Cut to
police divers approaching van...they find Bob, Doug, and LaRose
drinking beer in the front seat. Diver shows badge to Doug who
produces his driver's license. Cut to newspaper headlines...first a
women's underwear sale, then hand flips newspaper over to reveal real
headline -- BEER HEIRESS SNATCHED! A picture of Bob and Doug
accompanies the article. Cut to police station, where Bob and Doug are
getting finger-printed...]
Bob
Hey hoser!
Doug
What? [Bob smears ink all over Doug's face...they fight.]
Policeman 4
Allright, break it up!
[Cut to mug shots...both have ink all over them. FYI
Bob's number is 789709 and Doug's is 789708]
Doug
Those big cons are going to love you, eh?
Bob
What do you mean?
Doug
You're a cute little guy...they're going to be loving you from dawn to
dusk.
Policeman 4
Turn!
Bob
Where you going to be?
Doug
I'll be in the cafeteria selling smokes!
[cut to lineup]
Policeman 4
All right, single file, down here, snap it up! Come on, move it!
Hands out of your pockets! Back against the wall! Look straight
ahead! Feet together! Straighten up! Ok, that's it.
Doug
Ok, eh?
Bob
Gee, they're going to kill us...
Inspector [to Pam]
Try to pick out the men who kidnapped you.
Doug [pointing to Pam]
That's her!
Bob [to Pam]
Hey, how're you doing...
Policeman 4
Get back there!
Bob
No, that's her! She was...
Policeman 4
Get back, quiet!
Doug
He can't get any further back, or you'd...
Policeman 4
Shut up! [Doug makes a GREAT face...]
[Bob and Doug get thrown into a cell with a bunch of BIG thugs. Cut to
inspector questioning Claude. Pam is watching Tom and Jerry.]
Inspector
What did the doctor say?
Claude
Catatonic schizophrenia.
Inspector
What?
Claude
Schizophrenia, marked by an excessive and sometimes violent motor
activity, or by generalized inhibition.
Inspector
Sounds like you just picked that out of the dictionary!
Claude
No, no, no. That's exactly what the doctor said. I have a
photographic memory, you know.
Inspector
Really?
Claude
Oh yes, I never forget a thing.
Inspector
Well, that might be useful in my investigation of this case...
Claude
Well, feel free to call on me at any time.
[They walk through hallway.]
Inspector
My compliments on the many fine things you have in your home.
Claude
Well, thank you.
Inspector [pointing to statue]
Bonaparte?
Claude
Uh, Napoleon actually.
Inspector
Oh. What does a thing like that cost?
Claude
Oh, four or five thousand dollars. I don't remember.
Inspector [pointing to another statue]
Who chiseled this?
Claude
It was some...sculptor. I can't remember. I'm terrible on names...
Inspector
I thought you said you had a photographic memory?
Claude
Well, normally I would...but I, uh...
[Claude's wife enters.]
Claude's wife
Darling!
Claude
Ah! My wife.
Claude's wife
You didn't tell me we had company!
Claude
I think you know the inspector, dear...
Claude's wife
Hello...
Claude
My wife...
Claude's wife
How is she?
Claude
She's about the same, I'm afraid.
Claude's wife
I don't know what's wrong with her. She hasn't said a word since the
accident. I hope it's not something I've done...
Claude
No, no, or course not. Well, the inspector has to leave...
Claude's wife
Oh, wouldn't you like a drink or something?
Claude
No, he wouldn't. He'd love to, but he has to run.
Claude's wife
Oh.
Inspector
Right. I hope she'll be able to testify tomorrow morning.
Claude
Who? Oh! Yes. We hope so.
Inspector
Good night.
Claude's wife
Bye.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE THIRTEEN -- Jail cell]
Doug [to cons]
Chimp here does the killing [points to Bob]. I don't like to kill. I'm
the brains, eh? Like, we've got over five billion dollars in our
hideout, only some of the money is marked, eh, so we're not spending
it. We're just waiting.
Head con
Would you guys like a smoke?
Doug
No, eh? We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us! We told them we
didn't want a lawyer, eh? Chimp here'd probably just kill him
anyway...lawyers are for sucks!
Policeman 5
McKenzie brothers! You're lawyer's here!
[Bob and Doug run quickly from cell. Cons try to kill them.]
Policeman 5
You can talk in here.
Bob
Ok, eh?
Jack
Hi, I'm Jack Hawkland, your lawyer.
Doug
How's it going, eh?
Bob
I remember you from the office.
Jack
You're very observant. I'll make this as simple as possible. The two
of you have been charged with kidnapping under section 2471 of the
criminal code. The offense of kidnapping is comprised of two elements,
both of which must be satisfied before a conviction may lie. The first
element, Actus Reus, which was satisfied on October the tenth, 1983,
when you, Robert and Douglas McKenzie, did kidnap one Pamela
Elsinore...
Bob
Wait a second, like we didn't do it!
Doug
That's right, we're innocent!
Jack
If you're innocent, you've got nothing to fear... [they all begin
laughing.]
Bob
Beauty, eh?
Doug
We'll get off, eh?
[cut to computer room]
Ted
Exhibit A. It's an open a shut case. [Video tape shows people in Bob
and Doug's clothes shooting Pam and Henry, then loading their bodies
into kegs.] Should I time code it?
Smith
Yes. Now what about that missing disk? [Ted hits a button and video
shows Doug putting disk in his underwears.] How did he get the code?
Ted
Random chance.
Smith
That's impossible! Play it back. Give me magnification on the code
pad. [camera zooms in on pad, shows Doug's fingers hitting buttons.]
That's not our code! Get me the John Elsinore disk! [Ted tries to get
the disk, but it isn't there and all the others spit out.]
Ted
Ahhhh!
Smith
Look! Look at this! [monitor shows Smith murdering John Elsinore.
Fireball bounces around room.]
Ted
What the heck was that!?
Smith
There's no scientific explanation for it...so it's pointless to worry.
[Smith and Ted gather disks and count them.] 11, 12, 13...they knew
exactly what they were doing! They took the one disk that would
incriminate me!
Ted
What are we going to do now?
Smith
We will move toward Oktoberfest as planned, and I will not
underestimate our little friends again. [Smith leans on the world
map.]
Ted
Do you want me to light it up?
Smith
No.
----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE FOURTEEN -- the courtroom]
Jack
It's the press...I'll handle them. [He beats the reporters up with
karate, tossing one off the ledge.]
Reporter
Arrrgghhh!
Jack
THAT'S how you handle the press! [Female reporter attacks Jack, but he
beats her up, too.] We're late! Let's go!
Bob [to Doug]
Remind me to pay his bill on time...
Doug
Chuck Norris for the defense, eh? Beauty...
[They head for the courtroom. Cut to session.]
Jack
Your worship, I wish to plead my clients guilty to statutes 125 and 233
of the criminal code, and not guilty to all other charges due to mental
incompetence.
Prosecutor
Objection! You cannot split pleas like that!
Bob [to Doug]
Two bowls of split-plea soup to go, eh!? [Doug laughs, snorts, and his
nose starts to bleed.] You got a bleeding nose?
Doug
Yeah...
Bob
Your honor? Mr. Judge, sir...my brother has a bleeding nose. He needs
some Kleenex or something. [Doug tried to wipe his nose on Bob's
shirt.] Take off, eh!?
Judge [to clerk]
Clerk, please...
Bob
The clerk's going to get you some Kleenex...
[After time lapse, the video Ted fabricated is shown.]
Prosecutor [to Claude]
And this, sir, is the same tape that your engineer retrieved from the
video camera that monitors the activity in your brewery?
Claude
Yes, and I'd like to point out that this tape have not been tampered
with or edited in any way. It even has a time code on it, and those
are very difficult to fake.
Judge
For the benefit of the court, will you please explain 'time code'?
Claude
Just because I don't know what it is doesn't mean I'm lying!
[cut to Doug with HUGE ball of Kleenex on his nose]
Bob
Geez, it usually stops bleeding by now...are you ok?
Clerk [to bailiff]
This isn't working...we need something else...quick, a couple bullets.
Bob
Maybe we should call the Red Cross or something...
Doug
Good idea! Beauty! [he shoves bullets up nose.]
Bob and Doug
Beauty, clerk!
Judge
May I remind you two idiots that this is a court of law?
Bob
He's the one with the bleeding nose, I didn't do anything...
Judge
Proceed, counsellor.
Jack [to Smith]
Would you state your name and occupation, please?
Smith
Dr. B.M. Smith, resident head of psychiatry at the Royal Canadian
Institute for the Mentally Insane.
Jack
Now, Dr. Smith, we know you are familiar with this case. The victim,
Pamela Elsinore, is currently under your care at the R.C.I.M.I.
Smith
That is correct.
Jack
Dr. Smith, would you say that you are sufficiently familiar with the
defendants to give us a...preliminary diagnosis?
Smith
I am. I would say, without a doubt, that they suffer from paranoid
schizophrenia.
Jack
Would you kindly explain to the court what that means?
Smith
Well, that is, schizophrenia, marked by excessive and sometimes
violent motor activity, or by generalized inhibition. [Claude avoids
the Inspector's glance.]
[cut to Bob and Doug on the witness stand]
Bob and Doug
I do!
Bob [to Doug]
I guess we're married now, clerk. Where's the honeymoon? [He takes the
microphone..] Hoda, hoda. Get me a toasted back-bacon and hold the
toast...
Doug
Don't make me laugh, eh?
Judge
I must instruct you not to speak unless you are spoken to!
Bob
Geez, he's starting to sound like the old man...pretty soon he'll be
sending me out for beers.
[Doug laughs too hard and the bullets fire, ruining the courtroom.
Everybody ducks and screams.]
Judge
All right! Order! Until the victim is mentally fit for trial, I want
these...two...LUNATICS...confined under the psychiatric care of Dr.
Smith at the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane. This
hearing is adjourned! [bangs gavel.]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE FIFTEEN -- The loony bin, Bob and Doug in padded cell in strait-
jackets. Bob rolls toward Doug.]
Doug
Take off! Don't go over that line! This is MY side of the room. You
stay on your side!
Bob
What line? I don't see any line! If you put your mouth over...
Doug
Take off or I'm going to do the steamroller on you!
Bob
Take off! No way! [Doug rolls over Bob.]
Bob
Arrggghh!
Doug
Steamroller!
Bob
I'm steamrolling YOU! [He rolls after Doug, but Doug rolls on him
again.]
Doug
Steamroller!
[Ted enters the room.]
Ted
Hello, fellows. My name is Ted and I'm happy to be working with you.
[cut to two orderlies wheeling Pam to another room]
Orderly 1
Should I reconnect this? [pointing to IV]
Orderly 2
Forget it. Doctor Smith is doing the lobotomy in the morning.
[cut to hospital -- LaRose's room. Claude, in Doctors coat, fills a
syringe with poison and prepares to inject LaRose. Man in bed next to
him enters cardiac arrest and calls for nurse. A nurse enters the
room.]
Nurse
Oh, doctor! Thank heaven you're here! [she prepares man having heart
attack for injection, seeing Claude has a syringe in hand. Claude
injects the man, who promptly dies.] We lost him! What did you give
him?
Claude
Uh, this is just the thing...a hypodermic needle. Excuse me. [he leaves
room.]
Nurse
Stop that man! Stop him!
[LaRose gets up and leaves hospital un-noticed. Cut to entrance gate.]
Attendant
$6.50 please. [Claude hands him a stethoscope and head light.]
Claude
Here, this ought to be worth $6.50.
Attendant
No I don't want this! I want $6.50! I've got your license plate
number! You rich bum! [He sees LaRose stealing car.] Hey, you!
$6.50! Let me see your ticket! [LaRose grabs attendant and holds up
both fists.]
LaRose
All I've got are two fives!
[cut to hospital room]
Inspector
Who was in this bed?
Nurse
John LaRose.
Inspector
John LaRose the hockey player?
Nurse
I don't know...yes...I guess so.
Nurse 2
Is this the available bed? [wheels in Henry Green.]
Nurse
No, he's, I don't know where he is. This is the one... he's dead.
Nurse 2
Well, get him out of that bed...
Nurse
That's NOT my job, I'm sorry!
Nurse 2
What do you mean that's not your job? You want him to mummify?
[Nurses argue while Henry Green leaves hospital.]
[cut to loony bin, Ted questioning Bob and Doug.]
Ted
What have you done with the disk?
Doug
What are looking at me for? I haven't got it. [lie detector sits
still--Ted taps it.]
Bob
Maybe it's out of gas? [Doug farts loudly.] Oh, you farted!
Doug
No, I didn't. It was the chair, eh?
Bob
He's lying! Check the machine!
Doug
I'm not lying!
Ted [checking machine]
He's lying all right!
Bob [fanning air]
I don't need a machine to tell me that!
Doug
I didn't do it, I swear!
Bob
Aw, geez...don't slice the cheese in here, will you?
Doug
Take off!
[Ted makes faces and takes Bob and Doug to electro-shock therapy.]
Doug
Don't be a bully, eh? [points to loonies at end of hall] There's the
guys that horked our clothes! [waves to them.]
Bob
Hey! How come you're not playing hockey, eh?
Doug
[as Ted shoves him into room] Hey, I know my rights!
Bob
[looking into other room] Hey, who's in this room? [sees Pam] It's
Pam! Pam is in there! [Ted grabs him] Ow!
Ted
Now don't touch anything, I'll be right back. [he locks the door.]
[cut to outside -- LaRose arrives and tries to gain entrance.]
[cut to Bob and Doug's house. Police try to enter. The missing disk
drops from the roof at the policemen's feet.]
Inspector
What was that?
[Hosehead rolls up the roof.]
Policeman 5
Let's get out of here. [The inspector retrieves the disk.]
[cut back to electro-shock room. Bob is giving Doug shocks.]
Bob
How was that, eh?
Doug
Beauty! Take it up to thirty this time!
Bob
No way, eh? It's my turn! I want...[phone rings--Bob answers it]
Doug
Ok, I'll just disconnect these...
Bob
Hello? No, he's not here. He, uh, went to get a pizza. Who's this?
[guy hangs up] Geez. He hung up, eh? [Bob jumps on bed.]
Doug
Put this in your mouth so you don't bite your tongue, ok? Let's try the
head this time!
Bob
Ok!
Doug
Beauty! If you'd stick to your twelve-point maintenance plan we
wouldn't have to jump start you like this, but oh no, you had to do it
your way! You think you know everything. Here we go, I think we're
going to take it up to 90 this time! [Ted arrives.]
Ted
Hey! Get away from there! Don't touch those things! No, no, no, no,
no! You're always touching things!
Doug
Take off, eh?
Bob
He's party-pooping, eh? Hey! Some guy called while you were out, eh?
Ted
The phone? For me?
Bob
Yeah. [to Doug] Do it now, eh?
Doug
No! No way...he'll get me!
Bob
Aw, come on! What about my turn!?
Doug
Let's do this instead!
Bob
Hey! [LaRose enters room.]
Bob
How's it going, eh?
LaRose
Shhh!
Bob
It's going pretty good, eh?
LaRose
Shhhhhh! [LaRose knocks Ted out.]
Doug
He doesn't like him very much!
LaRose
Pam! Where's Pam? I've got to find Pam!
Bob
Geez, I saw her down the hall but she was dozing off, eh?
LaRose
Come on!
Doug
Come on!
Bob
Aw, geez! We've got to come back for my turn, eh?
[cut to hospital parking lot]
Attendant
[to cop] One guy drove away with the car from here, and he gave me
this, maybe he's a doctor! And one guy stole the car from over
there...my coat, too!
Policeman 6
Ok, let's take a look, sir.
Attendant
He was not wearing any clothes, he was wearing pajamas...he stole my
coat, and hit me! [Henry Green steals the cop car.] Hey! $6.50!
[cut back to Pam's room]
Pam [to LaRose]
But I saw you drown!
LaRose
They saved my life!
Pam [to LaRose]
You saved my life. [Orderly 2 enters.]
Orderly 2
Hey! What are you doing in here?
Doug
Oh, uh, we're from the Department of Justice and we're, uh, adjusting
the beds. This is Mr. Roy, our consultant. [LaRose elbows orderly.]
Bob
Geez! Two minutes for elbowing!
LaRose
Let's get out of here!
[They run from room. The lights short out and the loonies are set
free. The loonies run off.]
Bob
What's going on, eh? Where are all these hosers going?
LaRose
There's a tunnel to the brewery!
Pam
Let's go!
Bob
I'm not playing hockey again!
Doug
Geez, a tunnel to the brewery! Take off, how convenient!
[Henry Green rams down the brewery gates.]
[cut to Smith in computer room. Claude comes in.]
Claude
What is it you want? What's going on here? Didn't we pay our electric
bill?
Smith
The circuits are fusing! The computers, the surveillance
system...everything seems to be overloading! And I think Ted is dead!
Claude
Ted? [Monitors flare in red...John's face appears] Oh my gosh! Look!
It's him, it's my brother! Oh no! John, he want's revenge! I know it!
He's going to kill us! I didn't do it! [pointing to Smith] It wasn't
me! It wasn't me! It wasn't me! [to Smith] Turn this thing off! I
should never have listened to you! [Smith grabs Claude from behind.]
Smith
SHUT UP! I could crush your head like a nut, but I won't, because I
need you. Now, go to the loading dock. Make sure the trucks leave for
Oktoberfest as planned. Do as I say! [he squeezes Claude's head.
Claude leaves.]
Claude
Ow!
[cut to tunnel to brewery]
LaRose
They put some stuff in the beer, and they make us drink it every day!
Pam
My father must have found out about that. That's why they killed him!
LaRose
Come on!
Bob
How long is this tunnel, eh?
Doug
I'm having a heart attack!
[they enter the brewery]
Pam
Wait! I want to go the cafeteria!
LaRose [points to Bob]
Ok, you go with her! You [Doug] come with me! Be careful!
Pam
Don't worry, I will!
[Bob and Doug stare at each other as violin music plays in the
background.]
Bob
See you, eh?
Doug
Yeah. Good day, eh?
[They run off.]
Doug [to LaRose]
Geez, I'm sure glad we got rid of them, eh? They were really starting
to bug me.
LaRose
Come on, let's go!
[cut to Bob and Pam--Bob weeping on Pam's shoulder]
Pam
You mean you've never been apart?
Bob
No! Never! We've always stuck together...
[Smith appears]
Smith
Stay where you are or I'll kill you! [Bob faints.] Where's the other
one?
Pam
He's dead, Smith! You killed him!
Smith
Oh, good. That's one less to worry about. Now come this way... [Pam
picks up Bob.]
[cut to loading dock]
Claude
[to worker] Come on! Hurry up, let's go! [worker flips him off] I saw
that!
[cut to loony bin entrance--police searching stolen car. The inspector
arrives.]
Inspector
These the one stolen from the hospital?
Policeman 4
That's it.
Inspector
Japanese, eh?
Policeman 4
Yes, sir.
Inspector
The whole world is made in Japan.
Policeman 4
Could be, sir.
[cut to brewery vat room]
Smith [to Pam and Bob trapped in vat]
How ironic! You came here with a mouse in a bottle, now you are the
mouse! As for you, my dear...
Pam
Don't worry about me, Smith! I wrote everything I know in a letter
and mailed it to the newspapers!
Bob
When did you do that?
Smith
Very good, my dear. Cunning, right to the end. But unfortunately we
find the mail system unreliable here. So we use private couriers.
Nice try! It's really too bad you won't be around to see the whole
word become addicted to Elsinore beer... In a few hours I will
introduce my special formula to the public at Oktoberfest. When they
drink enough, they will do whatever I tell them.
Bob
You know people can tell what's in beer, eh. Like my brother can tell
the difference between beers by what his burps taste like.
Smith
Your brother is dead. [slams vat shut.]
Pam
He's not really dead. I just told him that when you fainted! [vat
starts to flood with beer.]
Bob
Can I buy you a beer?
----------------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE SIXTEEN -- the hockey rink]
[Loonies dressed in hockey attire run from locker room, LaRose and Doug
among them.]
LaRose
Do you remember what to do?
Doug
I think so.
[cut to vat, Bob and Pam knee deep in beer.]
Bob
My brother and I used to say that drowning in beer was like heaven,
eh? Now he's not here, and I got two soakers... This isn't heaven,
this sucks!
Pam
Don't talk. Try and use as little oxygen as possible,
then maybe when the level rises we can get up to that porthole!
[Pam and Bob are now up to chest level in beer.]
Pam
[looking around curiously] I think it's getting warmer in here.
Bob
[looking guilty] I didn't notice anything.
[cut to loading dock, trucks leaving, black hockey team enters on
forklift with Doug.]
Claude: No fellas. No exercises today. [team jumps off of lift and
enters formation.] No fellas, forget about it! [Doug gives Great White
North theme and the team advances on Claude, knocking him onto
conveyor belt.] You can't do this to me! I'm in charge here!
[cut to computer room, Smith waits at bottom of stairs with
tranquilizer guns. White team enters with LaRose. Smith dispatches
many of them with his unexplained super strength. LaRose duels with him
with hockey stick and knocks him into world map, which explodes with
red light and kills Smith.]
Smith
Arrrrg!
[LaRose notices computer screen with John Elsinore's face which flashes
to a shot of vat 19, which has a capacity of 6,000 gallons. He runs
to vat.]
[cut to loading dock where Claude emerges from the conveyor belt,
plastered with beer labels and bottle caps. The black team dances
around him until the cops arrive and cart him away.]
[cut to Doug and LaRose in the vat room.]
LaRose
Come on! They're in the vat room! Let's go. [they reach vat 19] Ok,
stand back. This is really going to blow! [he opens the hatch at
bottom of vat.]
Doug
It didn't blow! [LaRose opens the hatch all the way] Anybody home?
Pam
[emerging from the tank] I can't believe it; he drank it all! You've
got to help him. You've got to get him out of there.
Doug
[looking in vat at Bob] Oh no!
Bob
[swollen to gigantic proportions] Geez, I've got to take a leak so bad
I can taste it!
[cut to brewery hallway, where the inspector and police run into Pam.]
Inspector
What are you doing walking around? I thought you were supposed to be
sick!
Pam
There's a guy back there trapped in a vat; somebody tried to kill
him!
Inspector
You stay here. [to cops] Come on! [Pam ignores him and runs to
cafeteria. Inspector arrives at the vat. To Doug] All right, out of
the way!
Doug
Cops!
Inspector
[looking in vat] How did he get in here!?
Doug
I didn't do it!
Inspector
Well, how are we going to get him out of there?
Policeman 5
We could try to cut him out with a blowtorch.
Policeman 3
You couldn't cut through that with a torch.
Inspector
I don't know. We need an explosives expert!
Doug
No! Don't blow him up! He's my brother! Please don't hurt him!
Bob
[from vat] Get out of the way! Get out of the way!
Doug
He's going to take a leak! Get out of the way! [They all flee hastily
from the vat. Bob releases an enormous belch which blows the vat
open.]
Bob Hey, got me out of here will you! I got a whiz to throw!
Doug
Boy, that was some belch! We thought you were going to take a leak!
Bob
What do you mean? Just get me out of here! Come on you hoser. I'd
have saved you some, but I had to save Pam's life, eh?
Doug
Ok, let me see here. [tries to grab Bob]
Bob
Ow! Not there!
Doug
Ok, how about here?
Bob
Hey, that feels good!
[cut to cafeteria. Pam and Henry watch as the ghost of John, aided by
some 'nice' special effects, warns them to stop the beer delivery to
Oktoberfest.]
Pam
[to Henry] I think I'd better go. [they hug]
[cut to outside shot of brewery and institute, where John's ghost
causes an explosion which has no apparent result on the structure of
the institute.]
[cut to vat room]
Inspector
What was that?
Doug
It wasn't me!
Policeman 6
The roof just blew off the institute. It's on fire.
Doug
On fire? Geez. [to Bob] Hey, can you hold it a minute?
Bob
Yeah, buy hurry will you? I have got to go!
Doug
Here, give me a hand. I've got an idea...
[cut to outside of institute, where Bob has put out the fire and is
zipping up his pants, which are now normal size.]
Doug
Are you done yet?
Bob
Yeah.
Doug
Beauty.
Fireman
You did a fine job son. What took you two minutes would have taken us
two hours. If you ever want a job at the fire department you come
and see me and you've got it!
Bob
What about my brother? Can he get a job?
Inspector
You boys want to come with us?
Doug
Where are you going?
Inspector
Oktoberfest.
Bob
Geez, I've had enough beer for awhile...
LaRose
Two truckloads of that bad beer went there this morning!
Pam
We have to stop the people from drinking it!
Inspector
That's a thirsty crowd. It won't be easy.
Doug
Ok, I've got an idea, but we have to go home first. Ok?
Inspector
You guys go with them [to policemen 5 & 6].
Bob
How come we're going home?
Doug
Don't worry about it. Just put these clothes on...
[cut to Oktoberfest where the truck are arriving from the brewery.]
Announcer
Ah. Elsinore beer. Will go right over there.
Workman
Ok. You've got it.
[cut to McKenzie home where Bob wields a policeman's megaphone.]
Bob
Ok, all cops, get out of your cars. [cops get out of their cars] Ok,
I want to take a head count. Like maybe we'll have some breakfast.
Some back bacon sandwiches while we was waiting. Ok, another thing,
you all went through the stop sign back there, and that's a moving
violation, and my brother and I - we have a lot of parking tickets...
Doug
[arrives with Hosehead] Ok!
Bob
Ok, my brother's here, so all cops, come on up!
Doug
[to Hosehead] Sit! Sit! [to Inspector] Got a map? [the Inspector
gives the map to Bob, who shows it to Hosehead] Ok, this is like an
aerial view. Ok, take the 401 to here, then take highway 6 north, ok?
It goes right up here. That's the offramp.
Bob
Don't forget to take a right at highway 6, eh?
Doug
Ok? So when you get there you can have all the free beer and sausages
you can eat, eh?
[Hosehead, painted like a skunk, takes off down the street, then flies
into the air and heads for Oktoberfest. A red cape unfurls on his
back.]
[cut to Oktoberfest, main tent]
Announcer
Can I get everyone's attention please? We are very happy to announce
that today all the beer is free. [the crowd roars it's approval] It
is courtesy of our good friends at Elsinore Brewery. [the crowd roars
again and the band strikes up a polka. The beer flows freely.]
[After a few minutes of revelry, Hosehead bursts through the tent roof
and lands amidst the crowd.]
Reveler
SKUNK! [Everyone clears out of the tent. Minutes later the police
arrive, with Bob and Doug.]
Policeman 7 [to Inspector]
I wouldn't go in there. There's a BIG skunk in there.
Inspector
We know about that. It's a Toronto skunk, and it's my jurisdiction.
[they enter the tent, where Hosehead gorges himself on beer and
beauts] Well boys, it worked. I can't thank you enough. I really
can't. That's some dog of yours, too. He's really hungry, isn't he?
Doug
He's always hungry, eh?
Bob
We couldn't feed him, eh?, because we were in jail.
Doug
Yeah, you put us there. Thanks a lot, eh?
Bob
Yeah, we were innocent, too, eh?
Inspector
Just a second, boys, just a second! Now maybe we can drop the criminal
charges, but that mental incompetence thing will be tough to beat.
Pam
I'll take care of them. From now on they're working full time at the
brewery for me and Rosie! Come on!
LaRose
Let's go, dear!
Doug [to Bob]
Let's go, dear!
Bob
See you, inspector!
Doug
Yeah, bye!
[cut to outside the tent]
Doug [tripping over box]
Pam, we were wondering, eh?, like, just exactly what is wrong with the
beer, eh? Is it poison? Could it kill you?
LaRose
No, no. It's not a poison. It's more like a drug. It can wear off in
time, like it did with me, eh?
Doug
Oh, well, we were thinking that since we're employees of the brewery
now, eh?, perhaps it would be a good idea for us to take all the
contaminated beer back to the brewery, where it can be properly
disposed of, eh?
Pam
You know how to handle one of those big rigs?
Bob
Geez, it's a ten speed...[Doug thumps him.]
Doug
Yeah, sure, of course. Like, we drive them all the time.
Pam
Well take off, eh?
[Bob and Doug run for the truck]
Bob
You're lying, eh?
Doug
It's ok, don't worry. Just trust me.
Bob
You're lying.
Doug
Just come here, I want to talk to you.
Bob
You're just tricking me.
Doug
Come here...
Bob
If you sucker me in...
Doug
[grabs Bob] You take right off!
Bob
I knew you'd sucker me in! You don't know how to drive this thing!
Doug
I do so! It's just a ten speed, that's 5 speed times two!
Bob
We're going to crash! We're going to be in the water again!
Doug
Take off! We are not going to crash, eh? There's no way I'll crash
this, this is a beer truck, eh?
[They both get the idea and hop in the truck. With minor difficulty,
they 'take off'!]
///////////////////////// CREDITS /////////////////////////////
Doug Mckenzie DAVE THOMAS
Bob McKenzie RICK MORANIS
Brewmeister Smith MAX VON SYDOW
Claude Elsinore PAUL DOOLEY
Pam Elsinore LYNNE GRIFFIN
Jean LaRose ANGUS MacINNES
The Inspector TOM HARVEY
Henry Green DOUGLAS CAMPBELL
Ted BRIAN McCONNACHIE
Jack Hawkland LEN DONCHEFF
Gertrude JILL FRAPIER
The Judge DAVID BEARD
The Prosecutor THICK WILSON
Ballif ROBERT WINDSOR
Angry man at movie SID LYNAS
Man in movie RON JAMES
Lady in movie DORA DAINTON
Man in the alley DAVID CLEMENT
Pensioneer PADDY SAMPSON
Beer store clerk ROGER DUNN
Recepcionist DIANE DOUGLASS
John Elsinore ERIC HOUSE
Fire chief J. WINSTON CARROLL
Bald con JAMES CONROY
Prison guard GLENN BECK
Parking attendent DESH BANDHU
MC at Oktoberfest IUJA IUJEVSKI
Nurses MARY CHARLOTTE WILCOX MAGGIE BUTTERFIELD
Policemen DAVID RIGBY DENIS FOREST JOHN KELLY DICK GRANT GEORGE
STINTON
Hospital orderlies THOM BELL CHRISTOPHER BENSON JOHN STONEHAM
Hosehead the Dog BUDDY the DOG
Voice of Mr. McKenzie MEL BLANC
Note by the transcribers:
Good day, eh? We once saw a script someone had put together
for Monty Python's 'The Holy Grail,' so we thought we'd try the
same thing for one of our favorites, 'Strange Brew.' All this
material is still copyrighted by whoever copyrighted the movie.
We simply provide it for your enjoyment. Forgive the occasional
omission of an 'eh?' or any superfluous 'eh?'s that are lurking
about. Enjoy! Paul Johnson, Gregory Fisk, Nathan Fisk