Stuck On You Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Stuck On You script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear and Cher.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Stuck On You. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Stuck On You Script









- [Man Singing]

- [Alarm Blaring]



[Alarm Off]



[Singing Continues]



[Both Grunting]



Slow it down, Bob.




I need a doughnut break.

I'm having chest pains.



Nah, keep it

moving, flabby.



Our opening night

less than a week away.



Where in the script does it say

that Truman Capote has a fat, saggy ass?



In the very beginning.

"Enter Capote...



followed by

his fat, saggy ass."



- [Woman] Hi, Walt.

- Oh, Suzi-Q!



- Lookin' good. Ruthie.

- Hey.



- Let's have drinks again soon.

- Yeah. I'll call you.



- Whoa! Nice.

- Huh?



When did you

have drinks with her?



The other day.

Didn't I tell you? She stopped by.



- Where was I?

- You were, uh...



- That's right. You were taking a nap.

- Wow.



So, did you make a move?



I wanted to.

I couldn't get her alone.



She had that friend Ruthie with her.

She's like a friggin' shadow.



- Hi.

- Pole.



- Pole, pole.

- [Clang]




Okay. Now, that's seven mushrooms...



three onion, two regular cheese,

but one with no pickles.



And we have six fries,

four Pepsi and two Seven Up.



- You got     seconds, or that food is free.

- [Chuckles]



- Keep your wallets handy, boys.

- [Dings]




Anyway, I keep flip-flopping...



on whether to go with

the suit or the kimono.



- Hey, guys, we've got a tester on number six.

- Okay. Thanks, Mim.



- Mm-hmm.

- What did Robert Morse do when he did the play?



He did both, but he had

the budget for it, you know?



Okay, we got

   American Charlies...



seven with fungus, three tearjerkers,

two bare-assed...



hold the pom-poms on one

and drown a basket of frog sticks.



We can do that with three hands

tied behind our backs.



[Man Singing]



- [Man] How you doin, Walt?

- Hi.



Rocket, I need four Pepsi

and two Seven Up on number six.



And don't forget, you've got

two Diet Pepsi on number nine.



You got it, Mimmy.

Three Seven Up comin' up.



- No. No, it's two Seven Ups and...

- I got it, I got it.



Looks like they're having

some serious trouble back there.



- [Singing Continues]

- Come on. Come on.




Twelve, eleven, ten, nine...



- eight, seven, six, five...

- I think I'd go with the kimono.



- four, three, two...

- [Pounding On Table]



- [Dings]

- I'm sorry, boys.



- Maybe next time.

- Thanks, Mimmy.



So close.



Hey, I see you downloaded another picture

of your old California Internet pal.



- What's her name... Poon-Tang?

- Her name is May Fong.



So she says.



For all you know, she could be

a   -year-old circus freak...



with six teeth

and a set of hairy walnuts.






They paid  .  million.

We could've gotten it for  . .



I don't care.

I want my drink.



Well, hallelujah. What do you know,

honey? We finally got our drinks.



Sorry. The root beer machine

had to be changed.



Hold on, pal. Diet Pepsi. We ordered

Diet Pepsi. What are you, dense?



No, I'm Rocket. Dennis works

at the post office. You need stamps?



Oh, so you're

a smart-ass, huh?



Oh, God! You idiot!

Those are my good pants!



- Oh, those are her good pants.

- Uh... Well...







I wanna talk to the owner.



- All right. Right behind ya.

- [Sighs]



Which one of you two

is in charge of this dump?



Your damn busboy

just ruined my wife's pants.



Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Uh, you know, club soda's good for that.



I'm sure the two of you think it's

very progressive to hireJerry's kids...



but in the future you should keep

the freaks in the back...



washing dishes,

away from the paying customers.



- You are absolutely right. He is so right.

- Right.



How many times have I told you

that we don't want the freaks in here?



- He tells me this all the time,

and it doesn't go through.

- You're right. Ever.



- I don't know why.

- We're on top of it.



- We're gonna handle it right now.

- Thank you, sir.



- Rocket, let me talk to you for a minute.

- [Rocket] Uh-oh.



You know, we have a rule

about freaks in this place.



We don't like 'em.



And we don't want 'em.



[Bob] So, Rocket,

you see that door over there?



Would you kindly escort

this freak through it?



No problem.

Right this way, please.



I'm not going anywhere.



- Don't forget your bag.

- Come on. Let's get outta here.



- Come on.

- Would you like those root beers to go?






- All right. Burgers on the house!

- [All Cheering]



- He's just kiddin', ya cheap bastards.

- [All Groaning]



- No, I'm not! No, I'm not!

- [Cheering Resumes]



- Yes, he is. He is.

- [Groaning Resumes]









[All Shouting]



[Whistle Blows]



- Nice stop, guys. Way to go.

- Thanks, Stan.



[Buzzer Buzzes]



- [Man Singing]

- [Chattering, Laughing]



Great game, Walt.

That was a huge win.



Thanks a lot, Stan.

I was really seeing the puck well tonight.



- How many saves you guys have?

- I had   .



- Bob had   .

- Bobbo was standing on his head out there.



Whoa, whoa.

Check this out.



- [Singing Continues]

- [Walt] Whoa.



Wow, she's new. Hey, Dave,

how about another tall one?



Got it.

How about you there, Bob?



No, no. No, I'm cool.

I'm the designated walker tonight.




Got it.



I taste ice cream.



You got a dart in your head,

ya dumb shit.



Hey, Romeo, how about you invite

your friend May out for a visit this spring?



- Here's your beer.

- Thanks, Margaret.



- The Vineyard can be romantic that time of year.

- [Mutters]



- [Asian Accent] And we so horny.

- Come on.



I checked the Farmers'Almanac.

It's supposed to be a really muddy spring.



- Right.

- It's gonna be sloppy.

I don't want her coming out...



- [Clucking]

- All right.



- [Clucking Continues]

- Come on.



Seriously, man, I just...



I want it to be right.

I'm trying to be smart about this.



- You overanalyze this stuff.

- What is that supposed to mean?



It means that you should be talking to

this chickie-poo down at the end of the bar.



- Huh? Come on. Come on.

- No.



- Get over there. Say hello to her.

- No, don't... No way.



- Go on. Go on. She's smiling at you.

- Stop it.



If she wanted to talk to somebody,

she would've brought a friend.



- Oh, really?

- [Stammering]



Hi. How are you?

My name's Bob Tenor.



- Um, but I'm really more of a baritone.

- Hi, Bob.



This is my brother, Walt.



Uh, look, if you're ever, uh...

If you're ever in town...



I know you're in town now, but if you're

ever in town and not, like, in a bar...



I'm sorry. That came off wrong. It sounded

like you're some kind of skanky whore.



l... I'd love it if you'd

come by, uh, Quikee Burger...



which is my restaurant that I own,

um, with my brother, Walt.



You met him.



[Imitates Buzzer]

Time's up, "Casanever."



- Can I join you for a drink?

- Sure.



- Okay. What's your name?

- Debbie.



- Hi. I'm Walt Tenor. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.



- [Mattress Springs Squeaking]

- [Debbie Moaning]




Dear May, thanks for the latest photo.



- I look at it whenever I'm in need of a smile.

- [Debbie] Ride Mama home.!



- I'm sending a picture of me at work.

- [Walt Moaning]



- Hope you like it. Yours, Bob.

- [Debbie Chuckles]




I'm starting to cramp.



- Hey.

- Hey.



- How's the letter coming?

- Uh, good.



- Yeah? What do you got?

- Uh, it's personal.



- I don't go nosin' into your business.

- [Debbie Chuckles]



- I'm sorry. Mind typing on your knees?

- Okay.



[Walt] Here we go.

There you go, sweetie. Turn around.



[Bob] Hey, shouldn't you

be studying your lines?



- [Walt] Not necessary. Locked and loaded.

- Then help me stack the wood.



I can't. I could pull something.

It's a performance day.






Aren't you a little bit nervous?



Uh-uh. What's a four-letter word

for "snatch"?



- "Grab."

- Oh. [Chuckles]






You're not even

a little bit nervous?



What's there

to be nervous about?



Well, you're up there,

you know, in a one-man show...



in front of all those people.



- I'd be crappin' myself.

- Yeah?



This is my ninth year.

I think I'm just kind of...



I feel like I'm over it,

you know?



- I guess that's how you have to be.

- Yeah.



You're doin' that blinkin' thing.



- You're not gonna have a panic attack on me?

- No. I'm cool.



- You all right? You all right?

- Yeah.



No, I'm not gonna...

I'm... I'm gonna...



- [Hyperventilating]

- Oh, God. Take it easy.



- Calm down. Calm down.

- I think I'm dying.



- I'm dying. Oh, God.

- No, you're not.



You're not dying.

You're having a panic attack.



- Get my bag.

- Come on. Take it easy. Take it easy.



Wait. I'm having an arrhythmia.



Here you go. Here you go.

Breathe into the bag.



Short breaths. Here we go.

Concentrate on the breathing.



- It's nine years in a row. I don't wanna go onstage.

- I know you don't.



- Why do I have to go onstage with you?

- Look at me.



- You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine.

- I need the bag.



Hey. You're gonna

have fun tonight. All right?



You're gonna have fun.



[Walt] Any normal person with

a normal sense of self-preservation...



would understand that

all an artist has is his life...



and what he observes

as he passes through his life.



And any serious writer

hanging out for years with the rich...



well, my God, you'd have to be deluded

to the point of derangement...



- not to realize that that writer was taking notes.!

- [Audience Chuckling]



My God, I even told them.



They all knew

I was writing this book.



What did they think I was there for?

The intellectual stimulation?



The wit?

The spiritual uplift?



I'm the one that brought

the intellect and the wit to the party.



[Audience Applauding]



- Okay, okay. He's coming. He's coming.

- [Giggling]









- From the gang.

You were just wonderful. Wonderful.

- Thank you.



Yeah, Walt, you were great.



- Bob, you sucked.

- [Bob] Hey.



- Come on, Rocket. I'm not an actor.

- So what's up for next year?



Oh, uh, I don't know.



- Come on. Tell them the big idea.

- What is it?



He wants to do a musical version

of Bonnie and Clyde.



[Shouts Of Approval]



[Horn Blaring]



- You were awesome last night.

You know that, right?

- Thanks.



Is everything all right?

You seem a little...



Bob, you remember

when we were little...



and we first found out

we'd never be separated?



- Sure.

- We made a blood pact that day, remember?



Yeah. We promised we'd never

hold each other back, no matter what.



And we never have. Right off the bat,

we made a hell of a team, didn't we?




Trick or treat!










Get 'em! Get 'em! Kill 'em!



- [Man Singing]

- Get 'em! Get 'em!



Man, those freaks are fast.



- [Kid] Hey, batter, batter.!

- Over here!



- [Singing Continues]

- Strike one!



- Let's do it! Come on! Get out there!

- [Bell Dings]



- Go get 'em!

- [Crowd Shouting]




Break, break, break.!



Okay. Come on, Red.

You keep it clean now.



[Players Shouting]




You're out.!



[Shouting Continues]



- Your kings and queens!

- [Crowd Cheering]



- [Boy] Hey, Bob, Walt.!

- Ralphie!




So what's your point?



Here, sit down.



Oh, geez.



I wanna be an actor.



Oh, yeah. Of course.



Look, I'm sorry, man.

I know I freaked out yesterday.



But I'll go onstage

with you again next year.



- You can even sing if you want.

I'd never stop you from doing that.

- No, no...



I mean, I wanna be a real actor.



- I wanna move to Hollywood.

- What?



Hey, I think I got

the chops for it.



- You saw those people last night.

They were moved.

- Come on.



- I got to 'em.

- Those were your friends.



What's that

supposed to mean?



Look, I just meant...



Look, man, we're from

Martha's Vineyard, okay?



You know, people here...



We're lifeguards

and fishermen.



We own restaurants.



We do not star in movies.



What about Meryl Streep?



Meryl Streep's not from the Vineyard.

She shot one movie here.



Right. But she stayed on a couple

extra weeks because she liked it, right?



What are you...

What is your point?






Okay, look,

I'm gonna put it to you this way.



Who were the last conjoined twins

who were nominated for an Oscar?



Whoa, whoa. I can't believe

I'm hearing this from you of all people.



Hey, isn't that what people

told us our whole lives?



That we couldn't do what normal people did.

Never stopped us before.



By the way, Hollywood just happens

to be in L.A., where May Fong lives.



- Huh!

- No, I'm not ready for that.



- She's crowding me as it is.

- Crowding you?



For God's sakes, you've been

her Internet pal for three years!



You haven't even met her!



Look, man, what about me?

I have a business here.



If things work out,

we can open a Quikee Burger in L.A.



- [Scoffs]

- Yeah. Or better yet...



maybe you can get

in the movie biz too.



What am I gonna do

in the movie business?



I don't know. You could be my...

my stunt double.



- Your stunt double?

- Yeah.



If I gotta do, like,

a dangerous stunt...



you could do it

so that I don't get hurt.



Huh? Come on.



I need to do this while I still can.

I'm getting old, Bob.



- Walt, you're   .

- Going on   .



I can't help it you got

most of our liver, okay?



I'm aging faster than you. I got bags

under my eyes. What about you?



Time's passing. You got nothing to show for it

except for a couple of pictures on the wall.



- Cripes, you haven't been laid in five years.

- Hey, how would you know?



I don't know, Walt.



You know, we got a great thing

going here.



- It might not be the same someplace else.

- It might be better!



Have you ever thought

about that? Huh?



Three months. We go out there,

we give it a try, we see how it works out.



If it doesn't, we come home. But at least

I'll be happy 'cause I know that we tried.



Okay, Hollywood.



- But you're gonna owe me big time for this.

- [Chuckles]






[Singing Along]






[Skipped item nr.    ]



[Engine Starts]






- [All Shouting Good-byes]

- [Man] Bye, Bob.



[Man Singing]



[Singing Continues]



- Are you sure this is the right Hollywood and Vine?

- According to the brochure it is.



[Man] Show us your power, Lord.

Give us your strength.



- The Lord hates the sin but loves the sinner.

- Hi, baby.



- Show us your truth, Jesus. Give us your blessing.

- Holy smokes.



- [Horn Honking]

- Hey, freaks!






[Truck Horn Blaring]



- [Door Bells Jingling]

- [Typing]






[Typing Continues]






Fade out!

My wife's not out there, is she?



- [Typing Continues]

- No, l-I haven't seen anybody.



- [Chuckles]

- [Typing Stops]



That psycho-midget's been riding my ass

to finish this screenplay...



I've been working on

for the last two years. [Sighs]



- This is it.

- Ooh.



- Clean sheets and towels.

- Yes.



There'll be a pot of green tea

in the office for you every morning.



- Name's Moe if you need anything.

- This is great.



Do you have a room

with a double bed?



Oh. Sorry.

This is all I got.



But I'll tell you

what I can do.



I'll see if I can get you a queen bed

in here in about a week or two.



- See you, guys.

- Thanks, Moe.



Why don't you give her a call,

let her know we're here?



- Wha... [Stammering]

- Huh?



Walter, this is serious.

We have a lot of things to do out here.



Not the least of which

is try to get you into a casting agency...



without them laughing you

out of the room.



Why would they laugh?



Look at you.

You're pale as a ghost.



We gotta get you a tan.



Okay, what's a four-letter word

for "voiceless," ends in "D"?



- Uh, "surd."

- "Surd"?



- "Surd" with a "U."

- Ah. Yep.







I gotta tell you, this crossword's a lot easier

than the one I'm used to at home.



[Walt Grunting]



Well, well, well,

what do we have here?



- Hey!

- [Walt] Hi.



Are you guys

new around here?



Just got in this morning.

My name's Walt.



- Hey, I'm April.

- Hi. This is my brother Bob.



- Hey. Bob Tenor.

- Hi.



- Uh, have a seat.

- So you guys are brand-new.



- Our first California sunburn.

- We're official.



You guys are gonna

love it here at the Star.



I've been here, like,

two and a half years, and...



Hey, you guys

are stuck together.



And I still love it here.

We're like one big happy family.



So, where'd you get this done?



Uh, no, no.

We were born like this.



Cool, cool. And, uh,

where are you guys from?



Uh, Massachusetts.

Bob here is a lover/ grill man...



and I came out

to give acting a shot.



Oh, my God.

I'm an actor too.



- Oh, yeah?

- You're an actor?



Yeah! Well, no.

I mean, I wanna be one.



- Right now I'm just kind of a lingerie model.

- Oh, my God. So am I.



No, he isn't.



[Laughs] No, seriously, like,

do you have an agent?



- No. No, not yet. How about you?

- No, not momentarily.



But I did have one though...

this colostomy bag named Morty O'Reilly.



- Hey, you want a beer?

- Yeah!



Anyway, I've had

better luck on my own.



Every morning,

I read Back Stage West. Thanks.



- Can I see?

- Yeah. And it lists all the open casting calls.



- Oh.

- Yeah, you know, you don't even

need an agent with that thing.



Bob, check this out.

Right here.



"Wanted: Tall, handsome,

distinguished actor...



to play the Robin Hood

for the new millennium."



- That's you!

- That is me.



- That is you!

- Is that me?



- Yeah, it's you!

- It is me!




You guys are fun.



Listen, ye all,

and hear me now.



The Sheriff of Nottingham

will come forth...



- but he will not bend this merry band of...

- [Hysterical Laughter]



of brothers!



- He will...

- [Laughing Continues]



Who put you up to this?

It was Lovett!



It was Lovett over at CAA, wasn't it?




Joan, get that S.O.B. on the horn for me,

will you, please? [Continues Laughing]



Did you bring a head shot

and list of your credits?



Uh, you know, I was supposed to do that,

and I forgot it at home.



[Walt Chuckles]



Sometimes I think he'd forget

his own brother if I wasn't sewn on.



Okay, thank you for coming.

We'll be in touch.



- [Man Singing]

- [Together] No.



- No.

- [Singing Continues]






[Pounding Continues]






l-I'm sorry, but the message

that we're trying to get across...



is that Dubble Bubble

doubles the taste...



not... causes birth defects.



[Walt] I don't know.

Maybe you were right, Bob.



- Maybe this is a pipe dream.

- Yeah.



Probably time to face facts.



I mean, if you haven't made it

in the first    hours...



- you should probably just pack it in.

- Right.



I bet Meryl Streep wasn't out here six hours

before she got her big break.



De Niro too.



How about Steve Buscemi?



With his pearly whites, he was probably in

town    minutes before he got his first role.



- Are you making fun of me?

- You bet I am.



I know you were born without a liver,

but you did get some backbone, didn't ya?



You gotta admit these

last couple of days haven't exactly...



I'm not gonna admit anything.



How do we know the producers

of The Lion King...



aren't lookin' for some

conjoined hyenas as we speak?



You know who's

gonna get the part now?



Those Schappell sisters from Oregon

who are stuck together at the forehead.



Why are they gonna get it?

They're country singers. They're not actors.



- Because you quit, that's why.

- Oh.







Maybe I was a little hasty.



Good. Hey, don't worry

about anything.



I happen to have a little plan that's going

into effect first thing tomorrow morning.







All right. You're

a great brother, Bob.



Yeah, I know. Now zip the lip.

Let's get some sleep.






I like your plan.



The car's only plan "A."



Plan "B" is to get you an agent.






[Walt] Retirement home?

Are you sure we got the right address?



This is what he gave me.

Maybe we should try someone else.



April said this Morty guy's

a total sleaze.



But you said he was the only one

that would give us an appointment.



I wanna let you boys know

right up front that Morty O'Reilly...



only represents actors who are

truly committed to their craft.



Th-That's me, Mr. O'Reilly.

I am fully committed.



Committed enough to pay

my $    up-front service fee?



Which, of course, is used

to defray the costs...



of registration fees, entitlement,

uh, paperwork and what have you.



- What are you doing?

- I'm showing him how committed I am.



You're showing him

how stupid you are. Here.



We'll give you $    'cause

you're only representing one of us.



Look, I'm gonna level with you. Siamese twins

ain't the easiest sell I've ever had.



- We're not Siamese. We're American.

- [Stammers]



I think what

my brother's saying is...



he'd prefer the term

"conjoined twins."



Okay, but I should also

let you know...



I'm not one of those

run-of-the-mill suits.



- I'm a full-service agent.

- Wow.



- Meaning?

- I get    percent.



- Well, what does he get in return?

- Seventy-five percent.



Well, I gotta tell you,

I think he seemed like a real player.



- I guess.

- [Chattering]



- I guess.

- [Chattering]



- Oh, my God. It's her.

- Who?




Don't gawk.



Don't do that. She's famous.

She probably hates when people gawk.



[Soft Jazz]



- I like that part, but...

- [Chattering, Indistinct]



I think we gotta at least

go by and say hi.



A minute ago, we couldn't even look at her,

and now we're gonna go say hello?



Hey, Bob, relax.

It would be rude not to.



I'll do all the talking.



Excuse me.

Uh, Miss Streep?



Sorry to, uh,

interrupt your lunch.



I know this is completely inappropriate,

but... [Clears Throat]



my... my brother, Bob,

is, uh, a big fan of yours.



He just... He wanted

to come by and say hi.







Hi, Bob.



We're from Oak Bluffs

on Martha's Vineyard.



Oh. I've been there.



Yeah, I know.

I know you have.



Actually, w-we... we're friends

with Timmy Sheehan.



- Who?

- Timmy Sheehan.



Remember, he waited on you one time

atJimmy C's restaurant?



- Remember, you autographed his menu for him?

- I did. Huh.



Yeah, I know,

because I read it, and it said, uh...



"To Timmy, a good waiter.

From Meryl Streep."



But the way you had signed the "P,"

it looked like an "L."



So, we used to call Timmy

all the time and say...



- "Hello. This is Meryl Streel calling."

- Streel.



But, you know,

we were just busting his nuts.



- True story.

- Yeah.



I think I

remember him. Uh...



I ordered some food,

and he brought it to me.



That would be him.




He's a real character.



I can't believe you can just come to

a restaurant and nobody bugs ya.







- Huh?

- Let's go.



Well, let me go.

Nice meeting you.



- All right.

- [Conversation Resumes]



You know, by the way,

if you ever just wanna...



you know, get away,

have a little hang time...



we're staying over at

the Rising Star Apartments.



It is a pretty sweet setup.



We got a, uh,

barbecue pit there.



Gas. He does steaks and chops.

We got a pool, a little grassy knoll area.



And feel free to just

come by anytime.



Okay. I'll keep it in mind.




And bring the posse.



- [Streep] Okay.

- Bring the posse.



Hey, wait a minute.



l-I do remember you guys.



Homecoming '  .

Oh, my God, I was at that game!







[Man On P.A.] With seconds on the clock,

it's fourth down with one yard to go.



Down! [Shouting]

Check! Check!



Check! Check!

Apache   ! Apache   !



- Apache   ! Apache   !

- [Players Shouting]



Okay, let's go!

Protect the ball!



Hut! Hike!




I'm wide open!



[Man On P.A.]

Touchdown, Vineyard.! Sharks win.   -  .



- That was you!

- He actually is the one who

scored the winning touchdown.



- Well, you threw him a hell of a block.

- I've always told you that.



- You never give yourself enough credit.

- No. No.



As you can see,

I'm on crutches.



I was wounded

during the Vietnam War.



- Had a hunting accident while hiding in Canada.

- [Crowd Chuckling]



Tried that Viagra stuff the other day.



I didn't get an erection,

but I could walk for three hours.



- Did a benefit forJehovah Witnesses.

- [Men Singing]



All they wanted to hear

were knock-knock jokes.



And then the three of us just sat there

and talked for, like, an hour.



Meryl said... She asked me

to call her Meryl.



Very knowledgeable

on the film industry, by the way.



She says I should just

keep plugging away...



because I have twice the presence

of most actors she's met.



- Well, you do.

- Thanks.



Anyway, I told her my first love's

the theater back home...



and I felt like I had to come to Hollywood

to give it a crack.



But if I ever go back,

she said that I should give her a call.



She's dying for an excuse

to go back to the Vineyard.



Said she might even

star in a show with me.



- Really?

- Yeah.



- Walt, that's great!

- I know.



I love it when famous people turn out

not to be dick-wads.



That's her. That's the Streeper.

Perfectly normal.



As normal as you and me.



Oh. Stop. Anyway...




Can I ask you

a personal question?



Nine inches.



I wasn't gonna ask that.

Nine inches?



Yeah, it's about

nine inches across.



No, actually,

what I was gonna ask you is...



if you guys ever considered,

you know, getting separated?



There's a lot of great plastic surgeons here.

A lot. Just look at these.



Well, the thing is...



our problem can't really be fixed

through a simple cosmetic surgery.



Bob and I share a liver.

He's got most of it.



So, there's no way that they can just,

like, nip and tuck so you both get some?



There is and there isn't.

The doctors at Mass General...



told us they could split us up

at no risk to Bob...



but there's a... a...

I don't know...



a   -   chance that

I wouldn't make it, so...



Oh, God. No, no, no.

I don't blame you for not doing it.



No, no, no. l-I wanted to do it.

Bob wouldn't allow it.



Oh, Bob.




He's really something.






Hey, are you even sure

you need a liver?



My friend had his appendix out,

and he's okay.






I'm gonna take

a little sleepy now.



Good night.



- [Shower Running]

- [Phone Ringing]



I'm not here.






Uh, no, he is

currently unavailable.



Uh, can I take a message?



- Oh, hey, Morty.

- I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.



Um, you know, l... He is, uh,

waking up from his afternoon nap.



Hold on, please.






You're kidding me. Wh...



Of course I'll be there.



Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly.

Thanks a lot.



I got a job.







It's a feature-length motion picture.

It's called Pavlov's Dog.



- I start tomorrow morning at  :   a.m.

- [Laughing]



Do you hear that, Bob?

I'm a working actor!



- Great!

- [Laughs] Hey, it gets even better.



- Great!

- [Laughs] Hey, it gets even better.



In five minutes, you have a date

with the girl of your dreams.






- [Bob Panting, Paper Bag Rustling]

- Bobby, come on.






Would you calm down?

I thought you'd be happy about this.



Oh, God. How could you?

How could you?



It was easy.

I just called Information this morning.



I got her number,

and I called her before you woke up.



Thank you.



She's from California, Walt.



She's not used

to Siamese twins.




Hey, what happened to "conjoined"?



Oh, just cut the bullshit!



We're gonna freak her out.



- [Door Bells Jingle]

- [Snoring]



Excuse me.



- [Snoring Continues]

- Hello?



- [Gasps]

- [Typing]



[Clears Throat, Coughs]



May I help you?



Uh, yeah.

l-I'm looking for Bob Tenor.



Oh. Apartment five.



Thank you.



Bob, have you been

totally honest with this girl?






- By and large.

- Well...



- You didn't tell her about yourself, did you?

- Of course I did.



I just...



I didn't tell her about you.






I can't deal with you right now.



The pictures.

What about the pictures, Bob?



- l-I cut you out of them.

- Oh, that's great.



That is really, really great!



That says a lot, brother.



- Ashamed of me, huh?

- No, I'm not ashamed of you.



I just don't know how I feel

about myself sometimes.



[Knocking On Door]



- [Groans]

- Shh, shh, shh!



- Okay, okay.

- What am I gonna do?



- We'll go out the back window.

- Yeah, okay, okay, okay.



- We'll make a run for it.

- We're not running anywhere.






[Window Opening, Rattling]



[Man Singing]



[Tires Screeching]




Where you been hidin'?



Hi, Bob.



Just go ahead and tell her.



Live your own life.

Hop in!



Well, well, we finally meet.



- I can't believe you're actually here.

- Yeah, I know.



It's amazing, huh?



You look a lot bigger

than in your photos.



Well, I would hope so,

or else I'd only be three inches tall.






Hi. I'm Bob's brother, Walt.

I spoke to you on the phone.



- Walt, meet May.

- Oh.



N-Nice to meet you, Walt.



You never told me

you had a brother.



I never told you I had a brother.



Are we going somewhere?



Oh, yeah. Yeah.



- l-I made dinner reservations.

- Oh.



Tenor, party of three.



I believe we had

an  :   reservation.



- [Man On Speaker] Can I help you?

- We'll have twoJumboJacks...



please, a Sourdough Jack...



three fries

and three medium Pepsis.



- TwoJumboJacks, one Sourdough Jack...

- Got a favorite parking spot?



three fries,

three medium Pepsis.



Want anything else?



So, how... how

was the trip here?



Oh, awesome. Awesome flight.

You should've seen it.



- We played cards, like, the whole way.

- Oh, cards are fun.




Grand Canyon.



- We flew, actually, right over the Grand Canyon.

- Oh, yeah?



Yeah. It's, like, real different

from the Vineyard.



You know,

with the big hole and shit.



- Um, and it was orange.

- [Laughs]



Hey, do you guys remember

that Woody Allen movie?



I think it was Annie Hall

where the guy goes out with the girl...



and to try and ease the tension, he suggests

they kiss at the beginning of the date...



- instead of the end of the date.

- Yes!



- Do you remember this?

- That's a really good scene.



No, no. The best scene is when

Diane Keaton's brother...



says that he's gonna drive headfirst into

the truck and, like, kill everybody in the car.






[Clears Throat]



Um, look, May, I think

there's something I should tell you.



- Yes?

- Go ahead.



Um, see, the reason

that I'm acting kind of, uh...



- [Hyperventilating]

- strange...



I think I'm dying.



- I can't... I can't breathe!

- Are you okay?



- Oh, my God! Oh, oh, oh.

- Should get a...



No, no, no, no. You're having

a panic attack. Breathe into this.



- You don't like me, do you?

- What?



You're disappointed

with me in person.



- No, no, no! You're awesome.

- No.



- You're even better in person. Yes!

- No, I'm not.



Oh, yeah.

You're a hottie. Absolutely.



Just... Just breathe into there.

No, no, no, no.



- Oh, God. I'm... I'm... I'm...

- I'm so embarrassed.



I waited so long to meet you,

and now I'm blowing it.



- No, no, no, you're not blowing anything.

- No, no.



No blowing. No.

You're so much better than I could...



I'm actually really happy

that you're having this...



'cause it means we have even more in common

than I thought we had.



- l... I freak out too.

- He does.



- You really have panic attacks?

- All the time.



I was actually

just about to have one...



and then you beat me

to the punch.



[Speaking Spanish On Film]






Um, hey, sorry, uh...



to have Walt here

tagging along on our date.



You know, he can...

he can be a little clingy.



You know, it's his first time

out on the, uh, left coast...



and, you know, he's, uh,

heard about the gangs...



and the Crips

and the Bloods and, uh...



I was less nervous about it.

I actually looked into joining the Crips...



but I found that the Bloods

had a better dental plan.



[Both Laughing]



No. No, sir. That's not true.

They wouldn't take me.







I had a lot of fun tonight, Bob.



Yeah, me too.



Well, anyway...



I guess this is it.






- Oh. Will you, uh, walk me to the door?

- Um...



Oh, God. I'm gonna get out

and stretch my legs too.



- Sure, sure.

- Yeah.



Wh-Wh-Whoa, whoa.

Sidewalk's safer.






Miss, you get over here. I'm gonna

walk you guys right to the front door.



This is beautiful,

by the way.



I got an early

morning callback.



- Good luck tomorrow, Walt.

- Oh, thank you very much.






Well, you guys probably

seen enough of me for one night.



I'll just, uh,

get out of your hair.



- Good night, Bob.

- Good night, May.



- Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Hey. Hey, hey.



- Good kisser?

- Yeah. I'm not bad.



- That's good. That's cute.

- That is good, huh?



- No, no, no! It's not funny!

- Who's your daddy?



So what's this Pavlov's Dog

about anyway?



I don't know.

They didn't send me a script.



Probably one of those Disney movies

with the talking animals.



- Cool.

- [Altered Voice] I'm Pavlov.



- Hey, great makeup job, fellas.

- Thanks.



You too.



[Cher] Am I just talking

to hear my brains rattle?



I'm hot!

Do you hear me?



I am hot.

Look what it says here.



Okay. "Who's hot! Who's not!

Cher... red hot!"



Of course you're hot. You're hotter

than hot. You're on fire. No question.



Then answer me this.

Why am I doing this lame-ass TV show...



when I should be doing movies?



Because you signed a contract,

and the network's holding you to it.



Besides, Honey and the Beaze

isn't lame-ass.



You're playing a sassy lawyer who uses DNA

evidence to free wrongly-convicted minorities.



I mean, this is

cutting-edge stuff, Cher.



Oh, cut the crap, Howard.



Come on. This TV show makes Touched

by an Angel look like Trainspotting.



Can I remind you that before I

busted my nut to get you this gig...



you were, like, two weeks away

from being the corner square?



Center square.



You... You told me they

wanted me for center square.




I did say that.



And... And, y-y-you see,

what happened is...



Alf was able to free up his schedule and,

you know... [Stammering]



The point is, if you didn't get lucky

with one lousy indie film...



you'd be begging

for this job right now.



Let me explain something

to you, okay?



First of all, that lousy little indie film

has grossed over     million dollars.



And secondly, I don't beg.



- And you know why I don't beg?

- Yeah?



Because I am

a fucking Oscar winner!



Uh, Cher.



Oh, hi.

Can I help you?



Sorry. We're looking for Stage   

and a little lost.



Thirty... There's no   ...

Let me have a look at that.



Here's your problem.

You're on the wrong lot.



You want Stage    at Half Mast Studios.

That's across the street.



Oh. So that would explain

why the guard was shooting at us.



Sorry to bother you.






You're Cher.



I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm just a big... I'm a big fan.



- He is.

- A big fan of your work. And I'm an actor too.



You guys are an actor?



N... No, no, no.

Not him. Not him. Just me.



- I'm a short-order cook back East.

- Yeah.



He does that.

And I'm out here right now...



just kind of going

through it, you know?



Living it right now.

It's going well too.



I got a couple of things going on.

Couple of irons in the fire.



I'm doing a gig across the street,

actually. I have an agent.



- I was wondering, could l-I

trouble you for an autograph?

- We're busy.



Right. Okay.



No... No, uh,

no heat on that.



All right. Well, just keep on

keepin' on.



Do what you do.



Well, that really puts things

into perspective, doesn't it?



[Annoying Voice] "That really puts th..."




Just get me out of

the stinkin' show!



So, this is your first job, huh?



Yes. Yes, it is. Actually,

I was wondering, is, uh...



there somebody around here

who might have a script?



- I haven't gone over my lines.

- [Chuckles]



They're not gonna be using a script.

They're gonna set up the scenes...



and then they're gonna let you all

just kind of wing it.



Oh. Improv.



This director

sounds very progressive.




I guess.



Who exactly is, uh, in this film?



Phil Rupp...



Lolly Gagger, uh,

Marianna Trench...



and Rebecca Romijn-Staymoist.



Phil Rupp.

Never heard of him.



You're kiddin'.




You never heard of Phil Rupp?

He's done over     films.



What exactly is

Pavlov's Dog about anyway?



Pavlov's Dog?

It isn't Pavlov's Dog.



- It's Pavlov's...

- Dong.



Scene    take one.



And action.



That's it, Phil.

You spring to life now.



- Good. Excellent. A little more.

- [Mattress Springs Squeaking]



Give me some more.

I want some more. Nice.



Okay, freeze.

Phil, you disappear now.



The freaks are gonna jump in, and we discover

the whole scene's a horrible nightmare.



Wait, look... Look, Cher.



If you break this contract,

they'll blackball the both of us.



You'll be finished in this town!



I don't give a goat's bobo

what it says on that thing.



I knew we shouldn't have

trusted that bastard Morty.



Well, maybe he didn't know

what the movie was about.



- Walt, he was the executive producer!

- Yeah.



Wait a minute. Doesn't that contract say I

have the right to choose my own costar?



Yeah. So what?



I just found my leading man... men.



What are you, friggin'nuts?

The Siamese twins?



- The network will never go for that.

- Exactly.



That way, they'll break

the contract and not me.



Don't... Don't...

Cher, please, don't do this.



Hey, guys. Guys?



I just want to say that l... I am really sorry

for being a bitch back there, but...



I was in the middle of being bawled out

by my creepy manager, and, um...



I guess I took it out

on the wrong people.



[Woman Singing]



[Woman Singing]



Hi, Bob.



[Singing Continues]



Hi, May.



Walt, what happened

to your foot?



Ah, I fell off my unicycle. Mm!



Ah! I sprained it pretty bad.



Uh, this is our friend, uh, April.



- Hi, May.

- Nice to meet you!



- God, you're a doll! Good going.

- Thanks.



So, we're all here.

What's the big news?



- Yeah, what's going on?

- Okay. Well...



as of tomorrow, my brother...



Walter L. Tenor, the thespian...



will be costarring

in his very own...



- major network television series!

- Oh, my God!



- That's incredible!

- It's called Honey and the Beaze.



Cher plays Honey,

and I have the role of Mack Beasley.



- Cher, Cher?

- One of the nicest women

you'd ever want to meet.



- As classy as they come.

- You must've been great in the audition.



- No, that was the thing. He didn't even have to.

- Nothing.



We bumped into Cher

on the studio lot...



and she invited us out for coffee.



Actually, yerba mates,

which is this very soothing tea drink.



- Six bucks, though.

- Yeah. Um, so anyway...



she starts telling us

all this very personal stuff...



like, she's been in this relationship

for the last three years...



with a very, very

high-profile actor...



- but they've totally managed

to keep it out of the press.

- Who?



Well, how would we know?

That's way too personal.



- You didn't ask her?

- No, no. I asked a lot...



and she said,

"That's way too personal."



We had it goin' on, bro!

And I was goin', "Ooh"!



[Men Laughing, Whooping]



Mikey! Whoo!

Good to see you, man.



Uh, to-to Bob...



- my best friend, who I'm just getting to know.

- Aw.



- Hello, May.

- Wes!



Oh, aren't you gonna, uh,

introduce me to your best friend?



Hi. Name's Bob Tenor.



Yeah. I know who you are.



You're, uh,



I came up with that.

It's a double entendre.



I'm sorry, Bob. He hacked into my computer

at work and read my mail.



Yeah, well, don't be, uh,

pissed there, lover boy, okay?



Think I had a right

to check up on my girl.



I am not your girl!



Not my girlfriend, huh?



Then what was that all about

up on Mulholland when you sucked...



Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!



- I think we've heard enough, okay?

- Bob, let him finish.



When you sucked down a six-pack of beer

with me and said how much you cared for me.



What is that? What was that?




I said I cared for you

as a coworker.



You have good business sense.

That's all.



Hey, Wes? Why don't you go drown

your sorrows somewhere else, okay?



I have a better idea. You and me...

Why don't we step outside?



Let's go. Come on. No, no, no.

You stay out of this.



This is between him and me.



Well, come on, there,

burger boy. Stand up.



What the hell's wrong with you two?

You can't fight fair?



Uh, uh, Bob... Do not fight him.

He's a black belt.







Just like I thought.

You're a pussy.



Let's not let that... [Chinese]

ruin our night.



Come on. Let's dance.



Oh, no, no.

I'm a terrible dancer. l...



Walt, should you be dancing

on a sprained ankle?



Uh, gonna take more than a sprain

to keep me off this dance floor.



You were right

about your brother, Walt.



- He really doesn't give you much rope, does he?

- Huh?



She's not talking to you.



Hey, the weather's been

just unbelievable, isn't it?



It's just, like, incr-credible.



Um, 'cause I bet back home

that it's snowing still.



But snow is beautiful too.



Oh, no, no, no. Snow's my favorite.

I love snow. It's awesome.



Hey, and we don't have

earthquakes there either.



Oh, yeah.

Earthquakes scare me.



Oh, no, no. Me too.

They, like, freak me out. Yeah.



Hey, what's with all these maniacs who,

like, you know, live on the cliffs...



like, on stilts out here?



- I mean, these people are out of their minds!

- I couldn't do that.



My dream house

would have to have a yard.



Oh, no, no, no, no.

You definitely have to have a yard.



That way... That way

we could have dogs.



I meant, me and my wife

could have dogs.



Not you.



Not-Not that I have

anything against you.



- [Disco]

- [All Cheering]



Hey, May. Let's go

to the bathroom.



- Uh, we'll be right back.

- See ya.



How'd my right-hand man

make out?



[People Singing]



Look, man,

I don't want any trouble.



Holy shit!



She's cheatin' on you

with a circus freak!



[Humming Carnival Fanfare]



Walt, Walt, Walt, Walt. Come on, man.

Come on. Come on. Let it go!



Bring it on! Yes!

Oh, I'm scared.



Come on, man. Come on.

Chill, man.



Let it go.

It's not worth it, man.



Hey, boys from Beantown,

why don't you say hello to Billy Buckner.



[All Laughing]



Okay, I'm in.



[All Cheering]



- Hey, here's your stuff. Come on.

- What's going on?



- Uh, we're getting out of here.

- What happened to these guys?



Bad sushi.






This is a joke, right? These are the guys

she wants as her costars?



This is a joke, right? These are the guys

she wants as her costars?



Actually, just Walt.

He's the one in the white... jacket.



- I don't get it.

- Oh, I do.



You see, Cher thinks she's being slick.

Isn't that right, Howard?



She's trying to force us to pull the plug

on the show rather than to hire these guys.



No. Come on. Terry.

Hey, look at me.



I swear on my kids

it's got nothing to do with that.



Well, I got a message for Cher.



Tell her we start shooting

first thing Monday morning.



So what kind of deal

you looking for, Morty?



Basically, it's the same deal I got

for Kitty Carlisle in What's My Line?



$    ?



Per show.

And that's not all.



He gets his own dressing room

with a star on the door...



and a fresh pot of coffee every morning...

and none of that cheap stuff either.



Folgers Crystals.



That's very doable.



[Clears Throat]

What are we looking for on the back end?



You mean, the brother?

Bob doesn't really act.



How about    bucks a week

and his own dressing room?



Hi. Are you attorney

Honey Garret?



- Who's asking?

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.



Name's Mack Beasley.

I understand your law firm...



is looking for

a crime-scene detective.



All right, Mr. Beasley.

You have five minutes.



Well, I appreciate

you taking the time.



This is, uh, quite an office

you work out of.



Oh, yes, I know.






Well, Mr. Beasley,

what are your qualifications?



Well, I'm a Rhodes scholar.

I have a PhD in bioanalysis.



I trained with the Navy SEALs

for, let's see, seven years.



And I won the Heisman trophy.







Well, here. Fill this out...



and I will see if I can squeeze you into

an entry-level position.



Fantastic. Let me tell you something...

You won't regret this.



And by the way, if you need

any references or anything...



- I can certainly furnish you

with everything that you...

- [Man Moaning]



Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,

you're killing me.



- Cut it, cut it, cut it, cut it.

- [Bell Ringing]



- [Man] Come on, guys. Back to work.

- Ten. That's ten times.



Let's go.



- [Groaning]

- It's okay.



It's just very, very important

that you stay on your mark.



Yeah, I'm just... I'm a little nervous.

I have some opening-day jitters.



It's okay, kid. It's okay.

And I know you're gonna get it.



- It's just, you have to stay out of frame. Okay?

- Okay. Gotcha.



- Otherwise, the whole show won't work.

- Right.



I don't want to tell you

how to handle this, Griffin...



but back home, at the Oak Bluffs Playhouse,

we used to disguise him...



- as different props in order to hide him.

- That's a great idea, Walt.



- We'll just turn Bob into a bush.

- It might not be such a bad idea.



It's a terrible idea! The network

has made it very clear...



that the kid stays

out of the picture.



This way, we don't have to explain why Beaze

is followed around by a juniper bush.



Still gotta explain

the suck-y dialogue.



Hey, hey, hey...



Uh, I'm sorry, Bob. Do you now have

a problem with the script?



Uh, no, no. No. The script is awesome, sir.

It's just, the dialogue.



I mean, look. Come on.

Every guy knows...



that Archie Griffin's the only guy

who won the Heisman twice.



- Archie who?

- [Chuckles]



Hey, B-Bob, just cool it, okay?

He didn't mean it.



The kid's right.

This script sucks.



Griffin, come here. Look, why don't we

just give Bob a chance to write the script?




Yeah, right.



- Bob, have you ever written for television?

- No.



You see how perfect this is? We can get rid

of the old hacks that wrote this crap...



and we can get

some fresh blood.



Are you... Are you... Are you

suggesting we bring in the bush...



- to punch up the script?

- Yeah, that's exactly what I'm suggesting.



Look, you got to go with me on this.

I got a good feeling about this guy.



He's gonna do some great things.



I don't believe this!

I just... l...



All right, everybody. That's... That's...

You know. That's a wrap.




Okay, folks. That's a wrap.



- Congratulations, Bob. You're the new head writer.

- Thanks.



Huh? Cher? Cher?

No, no. No!







[Imitates Train Whistle Blowing]



Is your throat sore?

Are you achy?



I just feel

a little run-down.



I was up all night

studying lines with Walt...



so that's probably

what did it.



- Is that why he got you the big teddy bear?

- Yeah.



He really went

overboard this time.



Get some rest...



and I'll see you tomorrow.



Okay. Thanks for the...







- Bye-bye.

- [Chinese]



Geez. Thought

she'd never leave.



- [Exhales]

- I'm a terrible person.



I don't know why you're doing this, Bob.

Why don't you just tell her?



Oh, you're right.

The time has come.



You know?



Hey, by the way, I got to give you some credit

for bringing Moe on as a writer.



I mean, he's really given the Beaze character

some dignity, you know?



I don't want to be one of those actors who

takes a role and ends up looking like an ass.



You know what I mean?



I just can't believe this.

It's... It's like a miracle.



- [Man On TV]

- It's not a miracle. Walt's a great actor.



Yeah, but Bob can't friggin' act.

How are they gonna pull this off?




It's starting.






[Making Explosion Sounds]



- Hey!

- Watch the show, you dumb shit.



[Woman] Miss Garret,

there's a Mack Beasley here to see you.



I don't know any Mack Beasley.

Get rid of him.



- I'm sorry. I told him not to...

- Are you Honey Garret?



Just who the hell do you think you are,

barging in here like this?



I figured I had a right.



According to this cocktail napkin,

I'm half owner of this law firm.



- Where did you get this?

- I won it off some drunk

in a poker game in Gardena.



That drunk happens to be

my ex-husband.



- Well, I can see what drove him to the bottle.

- Well, you son of a...



What I meant is, losing a beautiful squaw

like you would drive any man to firewater.



- Hey, did you see that? That was Bob.

- Where?



- He was right there for a second.

- You got farts in your head!



I'm tellin' ya, I saw his nose.

Here he is again.



- It is his honker!

- That's him. That's him.



Oh, my. Bob looks

very good, you know?



He's lost a little weight,

and he... Nice tan.



With chroma key, the camera

picks up every color except for blue.



So, Bob, you see?

To the audience at home, you don't exist.



Hey, Bob. Put your mask down.

Check it out.






I look incredible.

Look at that, huh?



What the hell is this?



We're giving Walt a chance

to spread his wings a little.



- No, he was doing just fine before.

- Well, now he'll do even finer.



- Barney.

- Huh?



- Check out what I'm doing to Cher's butt.

- Hey.



- Bam!

- [Laughing]



- You like that, huh?

- Put some junk in her trunk.



You like that, huh?

Bam. Bam. Bam.



- Could I talk to you in private?

- Sure, sure.



Don't you realize how morally repugnant

and politically incorrect it is...



to hide Walt's God-given

Siamese... ness?



Your concern is very touching, Cher,

but let's live in the real world.



I mean, America isn't ready for that.

Besides, Bob doesn't even want to act.



I just don't believe

that Bob should be cut out.



- You guys seen today's trades?

- What do you got?



Listen to this.

"Despite its generic title...



Honey and the Beaze

should generate solid buzz.



With snappy writing that pokes fun

at an all-too-familiar genre...



- the show deserves to find an audience.

- [All Laughing, Exclaiming]



Newcomer Walt Tenor's

inspired turn...



- as cocky-but-sensitive...

- Oh, they picked up on it!



biochemist Matt Beasley more than compensates

for a lackluster perf by Cher...



and indifferent direction

by actor-turned-helmer Griffin Dunne.



Tech credits are




It's a rave, guys!



Son of a gun.

This baby may just make it.



[Wolf Whistle]




[Wolf Whistle]




Excuse me. Miss Cher?

There's a few fans outside...



hoping for autographs.



All right, but I am not

taking any pictures.



No, no, no...



Aw, shit!

It's just Cher!







I'm sorry. I should have specified.

They're looking for Walt. Have you seen him?



- Hey, lady. Can you go get the Beaze for us?

- [All] Yeah.!



[Chanting] We want Beaze.!

We want Beaze.! We want Beaze.!






You wouldn't happen to know

if Bob is alone, would you?



I... highly doubt it.









Hello? Oh!



I've got a surprise

for Mr. Sick-in-bed.



Oh. [Gasps] I'm sorry.

I was looking for Bob.



Mmm. What-What...





Oh, my God. You...



You're not brothers.




Oh, no! May, no!

It's not what you think!



May? May, wait!

Wait! May?



May, it's not what you think.

May, listen to me.



I don't have to listen

to anything! I have eyes!



Well, then, use 'em!



Oh, my God!



Please. Don't go.



- [Engine Revs]

- [Tires Screech]






Wonder what she's got

under that hood.



I'm really sorry, Bob.



It's not your fault.



Don't worry.

She'll be back.



Where else is she gonna

find a guy like you, huh?



I don't know.




Don't worry, boys.

We're gonna hit this thing head on.



- What thing?

- Someone ratted you out, boys.



It's gonna be all over the  :   news.

Cronkite's gonna have a field day with this.



In the wake of the startling revelation

that actor Walt Tenor...



of Honey and the Beaze

is actually a conjoined twin...



sponsors are running

for the hills.



Let's get out of here beforeJohnny Press

comes sniffing around.



[Scooter Engine Revs]



Come on.

What are you waiting for?



We stand firmly by our decision

to hire Mr. Tenor.



Sadly, the realities

of our business template are such...



that with the, uh,

loss of our sponsors, we are forced...



to halt production

until further notice.



We will, however,

run the final three episodes as scheduled.



All right. Here's the plan. We're gonna

canvass all    states with denials.



Now, I'm giving you

the same advice I gave Hudson in '  ...



- deny, deny, deny.

- Right.



Deny what?



The fact that there's two of you

where one should be.



I got a better idea.



Who asked you, Trixie?

These are my clients. They'll do as I say.



- Wait. What's your idea?

- Hey, hey, hey. What is this, a "minutiny"?



It's really simple.

Don't deny, deny, deny.






[Audience Cheering]



All right. You all know Walt Tenor from

the hit series Honey and the Beaze.



Well, his secret is out. You all know it.

And he's here to share it tonight.



Please welcome Walt and Bob Tenor.

Come on out here, guys!



[Audience Cheering]



Good to see ya.

Have a seat.






Have a seat. Have a seat,

there, gentlemen.



Well, good to see you.

Thanks for coming.



- Thank you, thank you. This is great.

- Let's get right to it.



How do you iron and fold

a pair of pants with four legs on it?



- We take turns.

- He thinks we do.



His memory's so bad,

I just always tell him it's his turn.



- Really? Okay.

- My memory's not bad.



Oh, come on. Sometimes I think he'd forget

his own brother if I wasn't sewed on.



[Laughing, Applauding]



Now, I understand

you're quite an athlete. I'm told...



that you were all-state hockey...

Oh, you were!



Oh, okay. You were

an all-state hockey player.



- Walt was honorable mention.

- [Leno] Okay. Okay.



- He carried me.

- [Laughing]



- [Jesse Ventura] I gotta ask.

- Yes?



What happens if you guys have to go

to the bathroom at the same time?



[Bob] Well, it's actually harder

when only one of us has to go.



[Audience Laughing, Cheering]



- What?

- Go to sleep. You've got

a geography test tomorrow.



Oh, nice ball, Walter!



Not bad.



[Man Singing, Indistinct]



- In the hole!

- [All Cheering]



[Singing Continues]



- Awesome.

- Very good. Very good. Play something else, Walt.



- No, no.

- Come on. Come on.



- No, no. That's all I got.

- Walt, this is from the management.



We're all big fans

of your work.



Oh, well, forward on a big thank-you

on to the management from the Beaze.



I will.



- Can you believe all this?

- It's awesome.



I'm really happy

for you, Walt.



Hey. Look at the chickadee passing

through the room there.



She thinks she's so hot.



- Mmm.

- Hey.



Maybe you ought to go over there

and work some of your magic.



Huh? Come on.

Just go over and say hi.



Listen, you're a free bird now. You need

to start taking advantage of this. Come on.



- No, I don't want to.

- Just go over. She's checking you out.



- I don't want to. Seriously.

- Back it up. Beep! Beep! Beep!



- Walt, seriously. I don't want to.

- Just go over there.



- Go over there and say hi to her.

- Stop it!



I said I don't want to.

What is the matter with you?



I was... I was just

foolin' around.



I'm out of here.



You know, I, um...

I've been thinking a lot lately.



Yeah? About?



I think we

should do it.






What are we

gonna do?



The operation.



- What?

- Yeah. Yeah.



l-I don't think either of us

is gonna really be happy...



until we've just...

you know, just done it.



Are you crazy?

I've never seen you happier.



- You have a career!

- [Scoffs]



I'm a gimmick,

not an actor.



We've been over this a million times.

Forget it.



And for the record,

I'm perfectly happy with how I am.



No, you're not.

You're in love with May.



Only, you two don't stand a chance until

you can learn to stand on your own two feet.



Well... You know,

if that's how she feels...



then she can, you know...

The hell with her.



No, no, no.

This isn't how she feels, Bob.



This is about how

you feel, remember?



You're the one who couldn't

tell her the truth.



- Now, okay...

- L-L-Let me finish. Just think about this.



Imagine playing

a round of golf alone.



Slow-dancing with a woman

without me breathing down your neck.



Masturbating in private,

the way the good Lord intended.



What are you

talking about?



Come on. Last night

was like sleeping next to a paint shaker.



It is... It's... not that simple.

I mean, it's...



- Look, you know I always...

- Bob, I want that operation.



- I won't do it.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'll do it.



- No, I won't do it.

- You'll do it.



- I won't do it.

- Oh, yeah.



- I'm not gonna give my consent, and that is final.

- You will do it.



Barkeep? Can I get a shot and a Bud,

please, over here?



- Sure thing.

- Oh, very mature. It's not even noon.



You better believe...

May I? Thank you.



- All right.

- Oh, terrific.



We'll do it your way.

But I'll tell you what...



You better sit back,

take your foot off the brake...



fasten your seat belt...

Thank you, dear.



- We're gonna go for a hell of a ride.

- Oh, come on.



That's unfair. I'm gonna be the one

dealing with that tomorrow.



- [Pop]

- [Howling]




You are correct!



- [Man Singing]

- [Howling]



Bob, Peachie's working

her way through med school.



You gotta admire that!



This is crazy.

I should be driving.




All right, Walt.



- [Singing Continues]

- [Chattering, Giggling]



Good news, milady.

Thou noble prince hath arrived.



- She's got a mace!

- [Both Yelling]



Aah! You want some of this?

Want some of that?



[Horn Honks]



- [Shouting]

- Whoopsie. Sorry.









I'm pretty sure

I had some Visine in here.



[Siren Wailing]



[Flashbulbs Pop]



Can you identify the man

that stole your purse, ma'am?



I think it's the Siamese twins

in the middle, but I can't be certain.



Pisses me off when you celebrities

get off so easy.



- I'm gettin' off?

- Unfortunately...



I can't pin anything

on you, so I got to let you go.



- Oh, great.

- Thank you, kind sir.



Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.



You're gonna be spending the night with us.

You've been charged with a D.U.I.



What? I didn't even

drink anything!



Well, hotshot blew a.  .



Divide that by two,

and you're both legally drunk.



And, since you were driving,

let's go.



- No, come on! That's just silly!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lockdown!






Mmm. That's good.

Sure you don't want a bite?



- I'm fine.

- Roast beef. End cut.



- I don't want any.

- Okay.



Hey, Hollywood.

How's it feel to be a free man?



It must feel pretty good...

being able to come and go as you please.



Seriously, Walt... Visiting hours are over

in    minutes. Let's wrap it up.



Gorgeous day.



You know what?

That's it.



I'm not going another step

until you apologize to me.



Hey. Did you hear me?

Hey, don't you walk away from me!



Did you hear

what I said?



- Don't you walk a...

- Whoa!



- Yeah, you better run!

- Aah! Aah! Aah!



Oh, my God!



You want some of this?

You want... You want some of this?



- Come on!

- Oh! Come on, little brother.



You want some action?

Yeah? Come on. Come on.



[Both Panting, Groaning]






- Huh?

- Okay. I'll do it.



- What?

- I'll do it.



I'll do it, if it's what

you really want.



I'll get the operation.



It's what I want.



- Oh, oh.! Oh.!

- Oh, this is good.



- Oh, oh-oh! Oh!

- That's good!



- Nice! Nice!

- Oh, that's good right there.



- Oh. Oh. Oh!

- Whoa-ho!



- Oh!

- Ah, yeah!



- Get it, get it, get it!

- Ooh, right there.



- Oh!

- Oh, that's good.



- Whoo! Oh.

- There you go.








Oh, I do impersonations.



Uh, good evening, everybody.

I'm Ted Koppel...



just outside

Madison Square Garden...



with the former champ,

Mike Tyson.



- How does it feel?

- [As Tyson] My defense is impregnable.



- My offense is "impetrable."

- [Laughing]



I'm gonna hit him so hard.



[Walt, As Koppel] Tonight, and forgive me

for sounding overzealous...



on this one

particular point...



Bob and Walt Tenor,

two dipshits stuck together.



Bob, Bob, turn around.

You got a visitor.



Hi, Bob.



Hi, May.



Uh, look,

uh, I was hoping...



we could have a word

in private?



l-I mean, j...

just the three of us.



Yeah, okay. Um...



Excuse us.



- Hi, May.

- Hi.






Oh. Sorry.

I have a book on tape.






I'm ashamed of myself,

th-the way I reacted.



No, come on. It's not...

It was my fault.



I mean, I could've sprung this

on you a little better.



Anyway, you know, it's not really

gonna be an issue anymore, 'cause...



we decided to get separated.



What? No!



It's... It's time.



You don't have to do that.



- Look, this is a hard thing for anyone to handle.

- [Stammering]



May... I saw the look

in your eye that day.



Of course!



I was surprised.



You lied to me

for three years.



But I've thought

about this a lot.



It... It doesn't matter.



[Guitar. Ballad]



Wait a second.

So you're... you're...



you're saying

that you could have a...



a relationship...



even with this?



It's a speed bump.



l-I love you.



I love you just as you are.



Both of you.






Well, the thing about

this operation is that...



I'm not doing it

just for me and you.



- I'm doing it for him also.

- [Giggling]



That Robert Evans...

he banged 'em, didn't he?



He banged 'em all.



I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.







[Man Singing]



[Singing Continues]



[Engine Starts]



Guys, guys, please don't go!



The latest Nielsens

just came out this morning.



Honey and the Beaze

is number one!



We're doing it.



If you guys

go ahead with this...



you're committing

career suicide.



They said the same thing

when Erik Estrada quit CHiPs.



You're shitting me.

He quit?



[Piano. Slow Ballad]



[Man Singing]



- [Singing Continues]

- Promise me you'll be here when I wake up.



I promise.



I love you, Bob.



I love you too, Walt.






[Singing Continues]



Ms. Fong?

Ms. Mercedes?



Uh, look, uh...



I don't quite know how

to tell you guys this, but, uh...



we lost them.



Dr. Harrison, good news. We found Bob

and Walt. Someone took them upstairs.



Oh! Fantastic.



By the way, the operation

was a smashing success.




we have visitor for you.



How do I look?



You look beautiful.



Hey, hey, hey.

What am I, chopped liver?



Actually, yeah.





Ha ha ha.



Where to, fellas?



- Uh, this is good. This is good, Dan.

- Yeah.



- We'll take it from here.

- All right.



[Man Singing]



- I'm gonna get a soda. You want anything?

- No.



No, Bob.

You wait here.



- [Singing Continues]

- I'll be right back.






Hey! I'm alone.



Great, buddy.

You gonna stay that way too.







- [Vehicle Approaching]

- [Singing Continues]



Hey, May.!












Bob, would you like

to come inside?






- [Applause]

- Hey!



- It's great to have you back. We missed you.

- Oh, thank you. Thanks.



Hi. Thank you. Thanks.



- Great to see you, kiddo.

- Yeah.



You look terrific.

Good to have you back.



- Hey, how's Bob doin'?

- Oh, he's... he's... he's good, I guess.



He's been staying at his girlfriend's place.

I haven't seen him for a few days.



- Which is a first.

- [All Chuckling]



Hey, Tenor, you lose some weight?

You look thinner.



Oh! No, l... Oh.

[Chuckles] Yeah.



So, listen, Walt,

browse through that.



We're gonna do a quick run-through

over in Honey's office.



- Okay. Right.

- Welcome back.



Come on, Walt.

It's not that big a deal.



Moving back East

isn't that big a deal?



It's not like we're not gonna see each other.

You're still gonna visit, right?



I'm gonna still be

out here visiting you.



- Well, whose idea was it?

- It was both of ours.



May and I had a long talk, and we couldn't

think of one good reason not to do it.



Oh. Not one good reason.




Come on, Walt. You know

I'm not cut out for this big-city life.



I'm a burger flipper from

Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts.



And May, in her heart, she's still

just a girl from Qing-Pa-Tu-Nei, China.



We're small-town people.



That's where

we're gonna be happy.



You sure you're not

rushing into this a little?



I love her.






I love her.









- And background.

- And action!



Okay, Beasley. Give us the DNA

and we'll give you the girl.



- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Don't give us that!



The smegma from the dead hooker's

perineum... our boss wants it.



- Okay, take it easy.

- Hand it over.



All right.

I got it right here.






Cut, cut, cut, cut.



- Um, what was that?

- Sorry. I lost my bearings.



- I miss my... You know.

- Yeah, because this thing... that's not scary.



- Does this scare you?

- No.



All right? Okay.

Let's take a break, everybody. All right?



- Props, I'm gonna need more perineal smegma.

- You okay, Walt?



- Yeah.

- Okay, good.









[Man Singing]



[Singing Continues]



[Singing Continues]



[Players Shouting]



You suck, Bob!



Bob, why don't you try staying

in the middle of the goal?



Bob, I ordered this well done.

This has still got a pulse.



Toss it here. Do it!



Bob, the guys on    are really hungry.

Where's the food?



- How much time do I got?

- You're already    minutes over!



Well, what are they bitching about?

They're gonna get a free meal!



Hey, Bob, get the lead

out of your ass.



- Hey, up yours, Rocket!

- Oh.! Nice comeback.!



- [Crash, Sizzling]

- Aaah! Aah!






Honey, can I help?



No... Would you just give me a second

to get my rhythm back?






I'm sorry.




I'm sorry.



Here. I'm sorry.



I'm just...

just a little frustrated.



Okay, I'm gonna

get back to work.



What's a three-letter word

for "man's best friend"?



- Tit?

- No, I tried that already.



I think I might have got a little

brain damage from that surgery.



I used to be able to knock these things

out in, like,    minutes.



Walt, seeing that the show's on hiatus and all,

why don't you go home and visit Bob?



April, the show's not on hiatus...

it's canceled.



Well, then you should go.



Take a road trip.






I've thought about that. l-I don't wanna

rain on their parade. You know?



They need a little time alone.



Those are ugly.



These are kinda nice.

Those are...









What's the matter, kid?

You got allergies?



Oh. Hi.







[Sniffs, Sighs]






You shouldn't

be so blue, Tenor.



You're a good actor.

You're gonna find another gig.



Yeah. Yeah.



I know.






- Here.

- [Weak Chuckle]



You really miss him, huh?






[Blows Nose]






Well, I know how you feel.



My boyfriend just

went off to college.






It doesn't make any sense.



I thought you'd have,

like, a million offers on the table.



You're amazing, Cher.

You're a brilliant actress.



Maybe I had it coming.

You know, bad karma.



Bad karma? You?



Come on, Walt. I could have been

a little bit nicer to you guys.



No, no, no. You were a total

sweetheart from the get-go.



No, I wasn't!

I was a total bitch with a capital "C"!



What are you talking about?



You could win a humanitarian award

for the things you did for me.



Are you crazy, Walt?



I didn't even... l...



Why? Is there talk

of me getting one?



Uh, no. [Chuckles]

Figure of speech.






[Sighs] I don't know. I still think

I could have done more.



No. Stop it, Schindler.

You're way too hard on yourself.



Really. You did everything

that you could do, and I'm grateful.



Well, anyway...



I guess I gotta figure out

what to do next.



Well, can I give you

some advice?






This is what you have to do...

you have to ask yourself...



what is the thing

I love to do most in the world?



And then

you have to do it.






- Boozin' with Cher.

- [Giggles]



Boozin' with Cher.



Bob, do you mind if Rocket and I

take off a little early?



He wants to go see

the squid boats come in.




Yeah, sure, Mimmy. That's fine.




Thank you.



- Rocket, come on. Let's get outta here.

- Bye, Bob.



[Jukebox. Pop Ballad]



[Man Singing]



[Singing Continues]



You fag!



[Record Scratches,

Disco: Woman Singing]



[Hard Rock]



Let's go fishin'.



[Man Singing]



[Singing Continues]



- [Dings]

- Order's up!



- [Continues]

- All right, one order of fries, comin' up.



Shoot! Whoo!



[Rapid Chopping]



Guys, you gotta get outta here.

Show starts in an hour. Come on. I'll finish up.



- Thanks, Mim.

- Go, go, go. Hey, break a leg!



- [Giggling]

- [Bob] You look great, April.



There you are!



Where you guys been?



- Sorry. Our fault.

- Hard to move so fast right now.



- Come on. The crowd's gettin' restless.

- Okay, okay.



- See you guys after the show.

- Hey, don't screw up.



Here we go.



Hold it right there. And keep your hands

where I can see 'em, Mr. Barrows.




You too, Miss Bonnie!



Hey! What's going on?



These gentlemen of the law

have mistakenly thought...



that we're the notorious criminals

Bonnie and Clyde.



[Giggles] Do you know how many times a day

we hear we resemble that murderous pair?



We're just a couple musicians, boys.

Name's Elvin Williams.



- This is my missus, Ellie.

- If that's so, why don't you play us a tune.



We got a house band you could use.

They ain't half bad.



- Oh, no, no. That wouldn't work.

- Oh, he can't sing.



- He hasn't practiced in...

- [Laughing]



You have polyps.

That's what you have.



Either you sing a song,

or you're under arrest, Elvin and Ellie.




Atta boy, Rocket.!



- Well, perhaps just one song.

- What? You c...



- [Audience Laughing]

- [Muttering]



[Piano. Intro]









- [Whispering] What are you doing?

- I don't know.



Well, do something!



All right. I got an idea.

Just go with me.









[Band: Blues Rock]







[Singing Continues]



[Singing Continues]







[Singing Continues]



Aah! Shuh!



[Extended High Note]




[Tempo Slows]



- [Trilling]

- Oh, just finish up!







[Singing Continues]






Yeah! Come on!



- [Ends]

- Whoo!



Yeah! Yeah!



[Applause Continues]



[Audience Cheering]



- Boo!

- Aah!






[Woman Singing]



[Singing Continues]






Uh, excuse me for one second.



I want to tell all of you, um...



this has, uh, really...



really been a joy to be

on this set, I'll tell ya.



It's, uh... A month ago...



I didn't even r... I didn't...

I had serious reservations about this.



I said, "Am l...

Am I doing the right thing?"



Well, thanks to my...

thanks to my niece...



who I love very much...



Thank you, Melissa. You, uh...

Thank you a million, honey.



You told me to go for it,

and I'm going for it now.



Uh, I want to thank all of you.



I want to thank

this magnificent...



these magnificent people

for the dancing.



I have never in my life seen

more magnificent dancing.



I want to thank the band.



I want to thank Meryl Streep...



and Greg Kinnear

and Matt Damon...



for puttin' up with me.



I want to thank

Peter and Bobby Farrelly...



who believed in me




I want to thank Bradley Thomas...



and, uh, I want to thank...



And, of course,

there is one other person...



and, uh, thank you, Barbara,

for puttin' up with me for    years.



And, oh, yes...

Mom, I love you.



Cheryl, thank you for your

fabulous    record collection.



And, oh, yes, David,

thank you for your absolute joy.



Matty, thank you for delivering

my brand-new baby niece to me...



my fifth generation.



And, oh, yes... Dear old Dad...




I miss you most of all.

I wish you were here.



Unfortunately, he cannot be here today,

but he's with us in spirit.



I miss you so much.

Thank you.



- [Audience Applauding]

- Thank you.






[Woman Singing]



[Singing Continues]




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