Tadpole Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Tadpole script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Aaron Stanford and Sigourney Weaver movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Tadpole. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Tadpole Script



            Snap out of it, Grubber. Miranda Spear, one o'clock.

            -Hey, Oscar. -Hi, Miranda.

            -What are you reading? -Voltaire.

            You see, Oscar and I were just debating on--

            Voltaire? Really?

            That's so cool.

            My friends are waiting, so...see you after break.


            All right. I'll see you, Miranda.

            Oh, my God, she's totally hot for you.

            She's got friends. You're hooking me up.

            I'm not asking her out.

            What? Why not? She's perfect.

            Did you see her hands?

            I--I wasn't looking at her hands.

            Experience, wit, intellect-- all revealed by the hands.

            -Does she have fat hands? -She had hands like a...

            Like a steel worker?

            She had hands like a...


            I worry about you. Oscar. I really do.

            Why, because I'm interested in more than websites?

            Because you're fetishizing hands.

            I wouldn't call it a fetish.

            You find reasons not to like things.

            -That's not true. Like what? -Like Miranda Spear.

            Like simple explanations.

            I like things I don't understand.

            You're never gonna get laid that way.

            It's not all about getting laid, Charlie.

            -Yeah, it is. -No, it isn't.

            It is so.

            -What about love? -Yeah. I've heard of it.

            It's not like you're in love with someone.

            I knew something was up.

            Wow. The Grubber, in love.

            Who the hell is it?

            Someone I've known for a while.

            Do I know her?

            She doesn't even know...yet.

            All right.

            When do you plan on telling her?

            That's the thing. I want to find the right time.

            Definitely this weekend. Maybe tonight.

            Is she coming over for Thanksgiving?

            She'll be there. Why?

            I'm coming over for pie.

            No, you're not. You're not invited.


            -Hi, Tadpole. -Hey, Jimmy.

            -Home for Thanksgiving? -That's right.

            -What happened to your hair? -I combed it.

            Well, I don't like it.

            -Hi, Oscar. -Oh, hi, Mrs. Lodder.

            Diane, please.

            Diane, have you seen Eve anywhere?

            Yeah, she was just here.

            Oh, she went

            so she could get in the lab tomorrow.

            Ca va?

            Excuse me.

            So, Oscar, can we plan on seeing you at Columbia?

            Leave him alone, Dad. He's only a sophomore.

            It's never too early to think about college, Daphne...

            as it would behoove you to realize.

            Actually, Professor Tisch...

            I have given some thought to Columbia--premed.

            Not history?

            -Well, l-- -Excuse me!

            May I have your attention, everybody?

            I'm sorry to interrupt...

            but I'd like to make a short Thanksgiving toast...

            and then invite you all to commence eating.

            First of all...

            I'd like to apologize to Native Americans everywhere...

            for decimating their population...

            and basically stealing this country from out--

            Stick to antiquities, Stanley.

            No, no, no. I'm a traditionalist...

            and far be it from me to dispense with any excuse...

            to eat turkey and pecan pie.

            And so, to my recently returned prodigal son.

            Hear. hear.

            To my distinguished colleagues...

            at the Columbia history department and their families.

            And, uh... am I leaving anyone out?


            Yes. of course. Although not here. she--

            Could it be? Could it be?

            To my lovely wife Eve.

            Ohh, I'm so sorry.

               She may be the face I can't forget  

               A trace of pleasure or regret  

               Maybe the treasure  

                Or the price I have to pay  



              You turn the corner, then hidden away...

              in this small forgotten backstreet...

              is this old, old house--

              DAPHNE: How's your mom. Oscar? She still in France?

              Yeah. she went back a while ago.

              When's the last time you saw her?

              I went back last summer.

              I wish I had an exotic French mother.

              There's nothing exotic...

              about mothers who live on the Upper East side.

              Well, they can be exotic in their own way.

              You walk in, and it's a home, a timeless home. You feel it.

              It's hard to put it into words, but--

              My mom brings me back the stupidest things.

              That's not what I'm saying.

              There was this lovely fresco that--

              -It's very intimate. -Completely out of context.

              ...too small or whatever.

              There was some--

              That's cool. You've got. Iike...

              that look. that faraway look. That's cool.

              I've-been-studying for-four-days thing.

              It sounded beautiful.

              -What's that? -The timeless home.

              Ohh. Thanks. Ha ha.

              I get a little caught up in the whole...I don't know.

              No, no. That's good.

              It's good to get caught up...

              in the feeling of something, the aura.

              I mean, if everything could be reduced...

              to verbalizable facts...

              we wouldn't have any need for music, would we?

              You might have a point there.

              Of course I have a point.

              The timeless home, that's like...

              the title of some great lost Puccini operetta.

              You're sweet, you know that?

              So, how are things at--at Chauncey?

              Not bad.

              Any girls there?

              Sure, there are girls.

              Well? Any you like?

              Well, they're mostly pretty dumb.

              They can't all be dumb.

              It just seems like they haven't lived that much, you know?

              Well, we're talking about sophomores, right?


              Maybe you should give them a chance, Oscar.

              I mean, they might've lived more than you think.


              You have high expectations, don't you, Oscar?


              -How are you? -Good.

              That's better.

              Don't want back problems before you're forty.

              So, how's the chiropody business?

              Chiropody is feet.


              It's pretty good. I stare at backs all day.

              You can tell a lot about a person by their back.

              I've always thought of my spine as incredibly personal.

              I don't think I could show my spine to just anyone.

              Maybe if you were in enough pain, you could.

              Not even then, maybe.

              Throw a couple cubes in there, would you, Diane?


              How's that endodontist of yours?


              I have a wicked crush...

              on your stepmother's best friend.


              I know, Professor Sherman.

              Isn't it obvious?

              What is this?



              Voltaire said...

              "lf God did not exist, he would have to be invented."

              He was a funny guy.


              Excuse me.

              Professor Tisch wants to stay and gossip...

              about our colleagues a little longer.

              -Will you walk Daphne home? -Dad, no.

              Daphne's been taking the subway since she was eight.

              She's a good-looking girl, don't you think?

              She's all right.

              Well, it would be a nice gesture.

              An empty gesture. No, Dad. I'm fatigued this evening.

              I've been on trains, in cars.

              I've had two lengthy debates on Voltaire and Henry Miller--

              both of which I won, incidentally.

              I haven't unpacked yet, got a lot of things to do...

              and I'm not gonna stand here...

              and argue about it with you, all right?

              Do you wanna go with me to the Moby concert on Sunday?

              Not really.

              I don't go in much for contemporary pop music.

              What do you go in for?

              You know, regular stuff.

              Oscar, contemporary pop music...

              is regular stuff for a fifteen-year-old.

              Voltaire or whatever is not regular.

              -Well, we differ. -Yeah.

              God, you're like a forty-year-old...

              trapped in a fifteen-year-old's body.

              -I mean, it's not a bad body-- -Taxi!

              Hold on.

              Come on.

              I live six blocks from here.

              It's cold.

                th and Lex. I have to wake up early.

              You are so weird.

              OK. Safe trip.

              Hey, happy Thanksgiving, pal.

              Say, how old are you, anyway?


              Me, too.

              Doesn't it suck?

              Ah, it's not so bad.

              Your wife probably didn't leave you.

              I'm not married, actually.

              Well, don't wait too long. All the best ones get taken.

              I hear you there.

              I adore French songs of this period.

              You're not French.

              -It's part of my act. -What act?

              You gonna buy me a drink?

              Bob, the lady's dry.

              Well, I got to go feed the cat.

              Why so glum, chum?

              I have high expectations.

              Yeah, I know what you mean.

              You have beautiful hands.

              Oh, Jeez. Oscar?

              Oh, hiya, Diane.

              Top of the night to you.

              Oscar, you don't look so hot.

              Oh, don't worry about me.

              Hey--oh, careful! Careful. Come here.

              Come on. Come on. Let me get you some coffee.

              No, no, no. I gotta get home.

              No, no. You don't want your father...

              to see you like this. Come on.

              My wallet was stolen.

              -You got mugged? -Sort of.

              What do you mean, "Sort of"?

              She was very pleasant about it.

              -Take your coat? -No.

              Well, come in.

              Ohh. It got chilly in here.

              Hey, that's Eve's scarf.

              Yeah, I know. I like it.

              I might forget to give it back.

              Ohh! Oh, dear.

              OK. What hurts?



              -Diane? -Mm-hmm?

              What's it like being forty?

              Not as bad as people make out.

              Except everyone you know seems kind of tired.

              Worn out, you mean?

              Yeah, like they've seen it all before.

              Eve's not like that.

              No, Eve's not like that. And you're not like that.

              It's nice.

              You know what?

              This is really hard to do with your sweater on.



              Oh, Jeez.


              Diane's good, isn't she?

              Yes. Yes.

              I'm Phil, the boyfriend.

              Boyfriend. I'm Oscar Grubman. I'm just a friend.

              So, how long's she been doing you?

              This was the first time, I swear to you...

              and the only time.

              You're kind of young, aren't you?

              Yes, way too young. Young and stupid.

              Pinched nerve?

              Excuse me?

              Did you twist your neck or something?

              Hell, I didn't see a chiropractor...

              till I turned forty.

              Ohh! Yeah. Um, very pinched nerve.

              Actually, three of them. Um...

              medial collateral, collateral, and hyper collateral--

              although the hyper wasn't quite as severe.

              So, the old girl give you your money's worth?

              Good morning. Didn't hear you come in.

              I just got here.

              Oscar here was saying you worked him over pretty good.

              No, I didn't. I mean...

              yes, you worked out the pinched nerve in my back.

              Yeah, he had quite a knotted muscle.

              My God, the pain right here in my shoulder.

              Took a lot of work.

              Thank God my vocation gives me such pleasure.

              We should all be so blessed.

              Well, thanks again, Mrs. Lodder.

              I'll put that check in the mail pronto.

              Nice to meet you, Phil.

              Hey, you take care, buddy.

              -I'll walk you out. -Uh, please don't bother.

              No. It's no bother.

              Diane, no one can ever find out about last night, OK?

              -OK. -I mean it. I'm serious.

              It's very important to me...

              that Eve and my dad never find out about this.

              OK. All right. I won't tell.

              Good. Phil, either.

              -Actually, he's not. -Diane, please.

              OK. All right. Mum's the word.

              Thank you.

              Give that to Eve for me.

              Hey, Oscar. That girl sure was pretty.


              Professor Tisch's girl.

              Oh, Daphne. Yeah, I guess she's pretty.

              Is she new to the pond, Tadpole?

              Don't you sleep?


              Hi, dad.

              I didn't hear you come in.

              Daphne and l got to talking last night.

              Is that right?

              Is Eve around?

              No. She left for work at dawn.

              Why is she working today?

              She likes to go in when there's no one around to bug her.

              -So she's by herself. -What's that?

              Nothing. Nothing.


              Sort of.

              But you have time to help old dad...

              do some grocery shopping, don't you?

              -Now? -Yeah. Come on.

              Dad, I thought you were gonna...

              take some time to work on your book today.

              Well, come on. I mean, that can wait.

              How many people really are dying to read...

              The Life and Times of Arnobias of Sicca?

              Well, I think you really underestimate your audience.

              There are a lot of Arnobias of Sicca fans...

              out there that you're completely unaware of.

              -Really? You think so? -Yeah.

              I mean, the kids at school-- the ones in the know, anyway--

              talk about Arnobias of Sicca...

              Iike he was the hip ancient scholar.

              -Arnobias. Really? -You picked a winner.

              You should feel really good about it and really motivated.

              You put it that way. I do feel pretty damn motivated.

              Either way, we need paper towels, cereal...

              and we're completely out of cheesecake.

              Dad, I'm not really into cheesecake anymore.

              Grab your coat.


              -Who is she, Oscar? -Who, dad?

              Where did you sleep last night?

              I know it wasn't at Charlie's.

              Come clean. This is your old man here.

              What happened? Did you, uh...

              run into some buddies from Chauncey...

              go downtown, get a couple of beers...

              and stare at the hippies in Greenwich Village?

              There are no hippies in Greenwich Village anymore, dad.

              What is it now? Punks, druggies...

              folk-mopers, cross dressers, bikers?

              -Bankers. -Bankers?

              -Oh, God, has it come to that? -I'm afraid so.

              What a state of affairs. Bankers?

              So, where did you spend the night?

              I ran into a...

              -A girl? -Yes, a girl.

              -A pretty girl? -Yes, a pretty girl.

              Oh, Oscar.

              It wasn't a...you know...

              It wasn't a call girl?

              Dad! Of course it wasn't a call girl.

              What's wrong with you?

              Kids are crazy these days.

              -I bumped into a girl. -From Chauncey?

              Yes, a girl from Chauncey.

              Well, what was her name, Oscar?

              Her name?

              Is it someone Eve and I should meet?

              No! I mean, there just isn't any point.

              Her name's, uh, Miranda Spear, and she's just some dumb girl--

              Hey, have some respect, Oscar.

              Maybe this girl's only fifteen, sixteen.

              And maybe right now her interests...

              are different from yours, but girls have things to say.

              They can be funny.

              Consider them, Oscar. Listen to them.

              So, I should listen to girls...

              Iike you listen to Eve, you mean?



              What a nice surprise.

              I brought you lunch.

              You're kidding.

              Ha ha!

              Wait. Wait one second.

              Wow. Cookies, too.

              Yeah. I know you like 'em.

              Thank you.

              So, what are you working on?

              I'm monitoring the depolarization...

              of cardiac myocytes.

              Oh. Hmm.


              mitral, aorta--

              such beautiful words.


              Never thought of it that way.

              It's, uh, pretty complicated business.

              No. The heart is simple.

              Fixing it is complicated.

              So, when you're working on...

              whatever it is you're working on...

              I mean...

              how do you see the heart as anything more than a--

              -Than a pump? -Yeah.

              I mean, in the end, it's just an organ, right?

              But, symbolically...

              Your heart can fit right in my hand.

              The heart is this incredibly smart machine.

              It beats seventy to eighty times a minute...

              and in the space of each beat...

              sends deoxygenated blood to your lungs...

              and oxygenated blood to all your organs.

              Cut the aorta, and you'll release...

              a jet of blood that hits the ceiling.

              Now, who needs to use it as a symbol...

              when the thing itself is so magnificent?

              -The thing itself. -Hmm.

              Well, as a symbol, it should be replaced.

              The heart's had its day.

              Why not the kidney as a symbol of love, or the liver?

              Hmm. "You broke my liver."

              "My liver aches for you"?

              Doesn't rhyme as well...

              you know, for country songs and Shakespeare.

              Sure it does.

              I'm aquiver.

              Please deliver.

              Deep as a river, my love, my liver.

              I just can't--


              Hi. Oscar's here, visiting.


              I know. OK.

              Your father says, "Don't forget...

              "we're having dinner tonight."

              I haven't forgotten!

              He says, "Did you ask Miranda Spear to join us?"

              -Who? -Miranda--

              No. No. Tonight's family night.

              Don't worry about that, Oscar. I mean, Diane is coming.


              And Phil.

              It sure would be nice to see Diane and Phil.

              Have you met Phil?

              I think so.

              Well, Phil isn't coming, OK?

              Diane likes to keep her options open.

              It's just Diane. right? Yeah. I thought so.

              Hey, buddy. Come on in.

              -ls Diane around? -She isn't.

              Is your back still bothering you?

              Well, come on in. I'll give you a rub-a-dub.

              Thanks. anyway.

              I'd rather not trust my back to a dentist.

              The old gal taught me a few tricks.

              Why do you call her "old gal"?

              You make her sound like she's a horse.

              Actually, she's more of a wildcat.

              Diane's with the girls down at Payard...

              if your back's really that bad.

              Hey, you know, buddy, you're gonna have to learn to relax.

              You're gonna be dead before you reach twenty.

              MAN: Thank you very much.

              Here you go.

              No, you didn't.

              Is that right?


              Can I talk to you for a minute, please?

              You must be Oscar.

              I'm Samantha.

              So, it sounds like you have...

              some interesting ideas about French philosophy.

              Yes. Diane was telling us...

              that you regard Voltaire as a comedian.

              Well, I think that when you look at his body--

              Excuse me. Diane, can I talk to you for a minute, please?

              In a minute, Oscar.

              Oscar, have some tea.

              The assertion that all man's actions...

              are essentially self-serving...

              has never been taken in the spirit it was intended...

              which was a quote, a quote.

              And that's what Adam Smith was really saying...

              in The Wealth of Nations.

              At least, that's what I've always thought.

              -More tea, Oscar? -Thank you, Abigail.

              Now, most people are going to tell you...

              that Quine's belief in the inherent goodness--

              But, Oscar, I don't see how you can dismiss Mirabeau so easily.

              Mirabeau never even got out of the gate.

              Oh, you naughty girl.

              -Where did you find him? -lsn't he lovely?

              He's so passionate, and he really listens.

              Do you mind if I give him my number?

              No. Go ahead.

              Oscar, I'd love to chat more with you...

              about this sometime or, um, about anything.

              I'm pretty busy with midterms and all.

              Anything, anytime.

              -Bye, Oscar. -Bye, Samantha.

              -Bye, Oscar. -Abigail.

              -Bye, Diane. -Bye, girls.

              Well, Oscar, it was a pleasure to meet you.


              You two be good. Heh heh.

              I'll call you tomorrow.

              -Diane. -Mm-hmm.

              You didn't, uh, tell anybody...

              about what happened last night, did you?

              Does it matter if I had? You're a grown-up...

              or close enough.

              Did you?

              I didn't say anything definite.

              I may have hinted a little.

              Hinted? Why do they need hints? This isn't charades.

              What if one of them tells Phil?

              -Phil, schmil. -"Phil, schmil?"

              That isn't very nice. That isn't very sensitive at all.

              Oscar, please. Phil and I are not an item.

              Ahem. Excuse me. There's no smoking.


              Forget about Phil.

              Diane, I'd like to ask you...

              not to come to dinner tonight.

              Not go to Cafe Balou?

              Are you kidding? Your father's paying.

              I want to minimize the likelihood...

              of your blabbing to Eve.

              Maybe you've already told Eve.

              I haven't even seen Eve yet.

              Yet? Do you plan to tell her?

              Oscar, Eve and I grew up together.

              Jeez, the stories I could tell you about Eve when we were    .

              You wouldn't have recognized her.

              I don't want to hear it.

              When we were fifteen, Eve had this thing for Elvis.

              -Elvis Presley? -Hmm.

              Flipped for any guy in sideburns.

              Sideburns? What's so great about sideburns?

              I don't know.

              The strangest things made her happy.

              She was always happy back then.

              Back then? Are you saying now she isn't?

              No. That wasn't my intention.

              Look. You know what?

              Let's just forget it. I shouldn't have said anything.

              No. We can't just forget it.

              We're talking about Eve's happiness here.

              I guess I can confide in you. We're close now, right?

              In a manner of speaking.

              OK. Ahem.

              I don't think Eve is happy.

              There's a void. Something's missing.

              What makes you say that?

              It's a woman thing. I sense it. I feel it.

              Plus, last week, she said there was a void...

              and something was missing.

              Did she say what?

              Couldn't put her finger on it.

              I wouldn't worry about it. She'll get over it.

              So. who is this girl?

              A friend of the family's.

              You gonna see each other again?

              Tonight. But her best friend's gonna be there.

              Well, is the friend cute?

              I wouldn't call her cute, exactly.

              I mean, would I like her?

              Well, you know, I slept with her last night.

              With the friend?


              Yeah. with the friend.

              But you don't like the friend.

              Not really. Not like that.

              But you're going to dinner with both of them--

              the woman you like and the woman you slept with?

              Yeah. My dad's coming, too.

              Nothing's simple for the Grubber.

              Talk to me, Oscar.

              What's going on here?

              I don't know, Charlie.

              I found her.

              The girl with the great hands.

              Terrific hands.

              Are you gonna tell me her name?


              Eve--like your mother.

              Eve's not my mother. She's my stepmother.

              We're not blood relatives at all.

              Wait. So, your Eve is that Eve? Your mother?

              She's very wise...

              and soft.

              Are you out of your mind?

              Do you want to end up in hell or something?

              Charlie, I love her.

              Oscar, Eve is married to your father.

              I know, but I sense there's a void there--something missing.

              She needs something more in her life.

              Oh, and that would be you-- her stepson.

              I mean, hey, I know you're French, and you have, like...

              a different idea of family relations, but--

              Wait. This means you slept with Diane.

              I realize that was a mistake. She was wearing Eve's scarf.

              It smelled of her perfume. I got confused.

              Uh...I mean...

              Diane's pretty hot... for that age group.

              These look fake.

              You really fucked up.

              Charlie, help me. I need sideburns.

              Well...all right. Let me think.

              I know we've talked about it...

              just being the two of us...

              but the Shermans love Beethoven. as it turns out.

              Is it all right with you if they come with us?

              Honey? Did you hear me?

              Sure. Fine.

              Norm knows the Galea like the back of his hand.

              He'll be humming along. Iike he did with Carmen.

              Remember that?

              STANLEY. LOUDLY: Eve. have you seen my tie?


              Honey. I want the tie...

              the Shermans gave me for Christmas.

              -Hi. -Hi.

              You look nice.

              You look, uh, different.

              Worse or better?

              Very handsome.

              You're making me nervous.

              Relax. I'll be very good tonight.

              Just don't let me drink.

              He looks over at me, and he goes...

              "You know, you have really beautiful eyes."

              I go, "Yeah, I know that."

              But, you know, we're in a movie theater.

              There's no way he could see my eyes. It's dark.

              So, he goes, "You know what's wrong with the modern woman?

              "They're acutely sensitive."

              So, Oscar, are you happy at Chauncey?

              You already asked me that, dad.

              I did? And what did you say?

              I said it was OK.

              Sometimes you don't listen so good.

              So well. Listen so well.

              See, you correct, or you add facts...

              or you give your own little anecdotes...

              but you don't really absorb the reason...

              the person is saying the thing that she is.

              -She? -Me, I mean.

              The reason I'm telling you something.

              Hmm, that's interesting.

              -And silence, dad. -Silence?

              Listen to what it tells you.

              Sometimes it's peaceful, sometimes it's a shrill scream.

              Honey, this is Bob Spear.

              Oh, pleased to meet you.

              This is my daughter Miranda.

              Oh, how's Chauncey treating you, Miranda?


              -Have a nice holiday. -You, too.

              Nice to meet you.

              Hello. I'm Stanley Grubman...

              Oscar's father.

              -Oscar Grubman? -He's here.

              This is such a coincidence.

              We were just talking about you today--about. uh--

              Dad! Dad!

              I was just meeting your friend here.

              And if you don't mind my saying so...

              she is a little firecracker.

              I think Eve wants to see you.

              She has to give you a pill or something.

              What pill?

              For your condition.

              For my cholesterol?

              Yes. Yes. Your cholesterol.

              I'm sorry. He gets a little confused.

              -How are you, Oscar? -Uh, fine.

              Happy Thanksgiving.

              What are you two talking about?


              -What's this about pills? -He's never been to Colorado.

              Oscar, you're acting very strangely.

              What pills?

              Bon soir. Would you like to take something to drink?

              May we see a wine list, please?

              In fact, forget the wine.

              Nobody wants it.

              What's this? No wine?


              The boy, he says you are not in the mood for wine.



              I'm in the mood.

              Me too.

              Shouldn't we take a break once in a while?

              I mean, what are we, dependant?

              We can't have a good time without alcohol?

              Oscar, you're making it sound as if we have a problem.


              Wine list, please.

              But why Portugal? When people go to Portugal...

              I always think all the hotel rooms in Spain...

              must have been booked.

              See. to me. Portugal is the one...

              that's always held the eternal mystery.


              none for me, thanks.

              And what do you want, Diane?

              Peter says I may have a shot at the English prize...

              if I read Beowulf properly.

              That is, taking into account the times...

              instead of reading it with a contemporary slant.

              You can't discount history, Oscar.

              No, you can't.

              You can't discount it at all.

              The sales representative--

              this twenty-five-year-old kid who's talking to me...

              about book jackets for four hours.

              I went cross-eyed.

              How many pages you got there. Stanley?

              Well. I have about    ...

              How are you?

              I'm good.

              No. How are you?

              I'm good, Oscar.

              It's good to see you.

              You, too.

              Are you sure you don't have a girlfriend at Chauncey?

              I would think they'd be lining up.

              Eve...I've been thinking about maybe going premed.

              Maybe Columbia.

              I'd be in the city, we could meet...

              to go over my homework-- I mean, if you'd be willing.

              Well, I'd love to, Oscar, but you love literature.

              You're fluent in French. You should be a scholar.

              A lot of medicine's in Latin, right?

              So, I figure, French, Latin...

              I'm not doing so badly in biology.

              I mean, I know what an isotope is.

              But if you went premed...

              you couldn't get caught up in the poetry of the pericardium.

              I would get caught up in the poetry...

              of the thing itself, like you do.

              Don't quote me back to myself.

              Is the world really waiting for another academic?

              ...a new subject. Something I am passionate...


              Diane. would you pass the bread. please?


              Thank you.

              Are you coming down with something?

              I'm fine.

              Are we still playing tennis tomorrow?

              Oh, is that tomorrow, tennis?

              Don't you think you've had enough?

              ...Iook at some first editions he just bought.

              He suspects he's been swindled.

              Must you be so uptight...

              I'm not saying anything.

              You're making me nervous.

              OK. Maybe you could go to Norm's in the afternoon.

              I could. I could go in the afternoon.

              Get your foot out of my crotch, please.

              Get your foot out of my crotch, please.

              The thing is, I hate tennis.

              I have the court booked.

              I'll play tennis with you, Eve. I love tennis.

              Yes, Oscar's a wonderful sport.

              There you go. Oscar'll play with you.

              -You will? You don't mind? -Not at all.

              Oscar is very gallant.

              Oscar has a new girlfriend.

              -Really? -Mm-hmm.

              It seems last evening...

              he had quite the late night conversation.

              Oh, tell us about it.

              Diane, wine is bad for your heart.

              I thought wine was good for your heart.

              It is, in moderation.

              So, who is this girl, Oscar?

              She's quite a little number, by the looks of her.

              I thought the girls at Chauncey hadn't lived enough.

              Can we change the subject, please?

              Well. if we're going to change the subject...

              I'm going to excuse myself for the ladies room.

              Excuse me.

              I think that's why he's acting so strangely.

              What the hell are you doing?

              -What do you mean? -What do I mean?

              You're drinking. You're making these jokes.

              You have your foot in my crotch--

              -Loosen up. -Loosen up?

              I asked you not to let them know.

              Oh, my!

              What is it?

              Something very unusual.

              No one knows anything.

              What is that on your face?


              Oh! Aah! Ow!

              Do you two have something you'd like to share with us?


              Oh, God.

              What's going on?


              OK, I think what we're talking about here...

              is Prufigger's theory of distortion...

              which states that prismatic effect of a body...

              reflected on a plane at a certain angle...

              Stanley, what is it?

              An illusion--

              Oh. what the hell. We're all adults here.

              No, actually, we're not.


              -Oscar and l-- -Both speak French.

              Oscar and I are lovers.


              What? Are you drunk?

              Oscar, just relax. I saw them in the mirror.

              I just hope Miranda Spear didn't see it, too.

              Dad, there is no Miranda Spear.

              There is no Mir-- What are you talking about?

              I just shook hands with her father.

              When did this happen? Last night?



              Of course, you know, it's not that uncommon.

              In ancient Rome, fifty-year-old men...

              would marry fourteen-year-old girls.

              This is not ancient Rome.

              I am nowhere near fifty!

              Well, it is all very The Graduate.

              Except that Oscar hasn't graduated.



              So, you coming to bed soon?

              Uh, in a while. I just have to finish these chapter notes.

              Good night, sweetheart.

              I just don't see why you're so upset.

              I'm entrusted with his welfare, Diane.

              I mean, can you imagine if Oscar's mother found out?

              She's French, isn't she?

              They're not all like that, OK?

              You're taking advantage of him.

              Oh, bullshit, Eve.

              Oscar's a smart kid.

              Now, there are some forty-year-old men...

              of whom I am taking advantage.

              Am I overreacting? He's fifteen!

              Well, you and I were hardly innocent when we were fifteen.

              Who went to the Jefferson Airplane concert...

              and pulled down their tube top and--

              That's different, OK?

              All right, that's different.

              I know why you're upset.

              You're upset because you know that deep down inside...

              if our situations were reversed...

              you would have done the exact same thing.

              -Don't be ridiculous. -You would have.

              With a fifteen-year-old? Not on your life.

              Not just a fifteen-year-old.

              A smart, sweet, passionate person.

              You're not the only one with something missing.

              Samantha Steadman gave Oscar her phone number.

              And you let her?

              He can take care of himself.

              I'm not his mother. Neither are you.

              What is wrong with your friends?

              -Nothing. -Jesus.

              And if you hadn't met somebody in a really long time...

              who was very excited about life...

              you would consider a fifteen-year-old.


              Or, zero-thirty.

              As if you know what love means.

              Comes from the French word for egg.



              I know how it must look.

              I understand how misled you must feel.

              I spoke of poetic thoughts...

              of love and livers...

              merely hours after having cheap, meaningless...

              sexual intercourse with your best friend.


              That's fifteen-thirty, right?



              sometimes the natural call of man...

              is just too strong to-- No. Ugh.

              So that's fifteen-forty, right?

              A ratio you seem particularly fond of.

              And, yes, Eve, true passion does still exist...

              and I know this...

              because I'm a man who feels true passion.

              I think you'll be fine.

              If you're gonna mess with...

              the stuff of Greek tragedies. Oscar...

              you're gonna have to be prepared for the fallout.

              Charlie, help me.

              OK, let's look at this rationally.

              If you had met Eve in, say, a coffee shop...

              would you still be attracted to her?

              I mean, it's not just 'cause she's your mother, is it?

              She's not my mother. Stop saying that.

              OK, look, maybe it's not your fault.

              Since your father's been married to another woman...

              in the eyes of the church, he's a polygamist.

              So maybe you're just genetically predisposed--

              that is, programmed to repeat the mistakes...

              or sins of your biological--

              Shut up, Charlie.

              You kids having fun?

              Do you want some cookies or anything?

              No, ma, we're fine.

              My, Oscar, I can't believe how big you've gotten.

              Yeah, I guess I hit quite a spurt there.

              All right, yeah, uh...

              All right, ma, thanks. And I'll, uh, see you later.

              Stick to your own mom, will you?

              Hey, Jimmy.

              What's on your mind, Tadpole?

              Nobody calls me that anymore, Jimmy.

              What do they call you now?


              Everything's messed up.

              Well, what's the trouble, Tadp--uh, Stupid?

              Women, I guess.

              Not girls?

              No, they're definitely women.

              No women...

              no cry.

              Thanks for that, Jimmy.

              I made you a sandwich.


              Grilled cheese--my favorite.

              I know.

              Good thing it's something I can actually cook.

              Dad always burns them.

              He won't use teflon.

              Well, he's a traditionalist.

              These, uh, teflon make replacement heart valves, right?

              You know way too much for a fifteen-year-old.

              Nothing worth knowing.

              That's not true, Oscar-- plenty worth knowing.

              You know...

              with Diane...

              Oscar, I've already decided it's really none of my business.

              You are old enough to make your own decisions.

              I want to explain.

              With Diane, well...

              it was teflon sex.

              Pardon me?

              She was doing this thing to my back--pressing.

              And I was drunk, she's a chiropractor...

              -that kind of thing. -That kind of thing.

              Hormones racing out of control or pheromones.

              I'm not that kind of a person.

              You told me once that it could be years...

              before anyone really understood...

              what the hell I was talking about...

              but that the day would come...

              when everyone caught up to me.

              And while I knew that maybe you were just being kind...

              I knew one thing.

              That I love...


              -And, and, uh-- -It's OK.

              And there was Diane...

              and she was...

              wearing your scarf.

              I better do the dishes.

              Well, I lost big-time.

              Look at you. You're a good boy, Oscar.

              Where's Eve?

              How should I know?

              In bed. probably.


              That Professor Tisch, I think he's a cheat.

              I bet he palms off the bottom of the deck.

              Oscar. have you noticed...

              anything different about Eve this weekend?

              Different? Like what?

              I don't know, for the last few months...

              she's been going to bed earlier.

              Maybe she's just tired, or...

              Or what?

              I don't know what.

              Maybe I'm missing something.

              I thought about what you said last night.

              Maybe I haven't been listening too well.

              Then again, maybe I'm just imagining things.

                 Tom. get your plane right on time  

                 I know your part'll go fine  

                 Fly down to Mexico  

                 Do-n-do-n-do-n-do and here I am  

                 The only living boy in New York  

                 I get the news I need on the weather report  

                 I can gather all the news I need on the weather report  

                 Hey. I got nothing to do today but smile  

                 Do-n-do-n-do-n-do and here I am  

                 The only living boy in New York  

                 Half of the time we're gone. but we don't know where  

                 And we don't know when  


              I'll get your ticket. I'll be right back.

              You have a loose button.

              I'd sew it for you, but I don't sew.

              I know.

              I'm not a very good mother-- step-mother.

              Who says they have to cook and sew?

              Anyway, you know how to monitor...

              cardiac myocytes-- that's enough.

              How's your liver?




              I love your father very much.

              Me, too.

              So, see you back here in about three weeks?

              You two look very serious.

              We're talking about Christmas.

              Oscar's going to his mother's in France.

              He is?

              We're going to Portugal, just the two of us.

              -We are? -lf you want.


              Bye, sweetie.


              Thanks, Oscar.

              You're welcome.

              See you at school.


              "lf we don't find anything pleasant...

              "at least we shall find something new."

              What's that?


                Oh, right.

                See you at school.

                She is so hot for you.

                She smells nice.

                She what?

                   Still don't know what I was waiting for  

                   And my time was running wild  

                So, what happened with Eve?

                   Every time I thought I'd got it made  

                Come on, talk to me, Grubber.

                   So I turned myself to face me  

                Well, it wasn't as important as I thought it was.

                   Of how the others must see the faker  

                   I'm much too fast to take that test  


                   Turn and face the strain  


                   Don't want to be a richer man  


                   Turn and face the strain  


                   Just gonna have to be a different man  

                   Time may change me  

                   But I can't trace time  

                   Ooh. yeah  

                   I watch the ripples change their size  

                   But never leave the stream of warm impermanence  

                   And so the days float through my eyes  

                   But still the days seem the same  

                   And these children that you spit on  

                   As they try to change their worlds  

                   Are immune to your consultations  

                   They're quite aware of what they're going through  


                   Turn and face the strain  


                   Don't tell them to grow up and out of it  


                   Turn and face the strain  


                   Where's your shame?  

                   You've left us up to our necks in it  

                   Time may change me  

                   But you can't trace time  

                   Strange fascination. fascinating me  

                   Aw. changes are taking the pace I'm going through  


                   Turn and face the strain  


                   Ooh. Iook out you rock 'n rollers  


                   Turn and face the strain  


                   Pretty soon now you're gonna get a little older  

                   Time may change me  

                   But I can't trace time  

                   I said that time may change me  

                   But I can't trace time  


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