Taxi Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Taxi script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie written by Luc Besson which was later remade into the Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah version.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Taxi. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Taxi Script





-How'd I do?

-4.32 Incredible!



One last record

before I leave!



Keep the stopwatch

I don't need it anymore.



Speech! Speech!



Where is my little Daniel?



Like you all know

Daniel resigned last night



He's leaving the 2 wheelers

for the 4wheelers



Thus reversing the path of human evolution

that started on all fours,...



...and finishes on 2 wheels!



I want him to know

he was the best of all of us,...



...and most of all,

a very good friend.



You're going be missed by all of us you know.



Excuse me Lily, was that a kiss?

or did your lips just slip?



It's not that I didn't like it

but I don't know what to think...



Is it clearer now?






They slipped again,

You must be really clumsy.



And now to celebrate

Daniel's departure,...



...I announce the big parade!



Open your eyes wide, Lily,

because you won't see again in your lifetime.



-How many are there?

-A lot.



Here are the best.



Go for it!



Holy shit!






-A little party?

-Are they from the pizzeria?



-Bacon pizzas. -Excuse us but

we would like to see your papers.



I'm sorry we left them inside

if you want we can go and get them now.



-Ok but make it fast. -No problem,

Thanks. lets run!.



It must have been   minutes now.



-Be careful - there could be some oil.




Yeah, it's my flat

but it's also kind of a Garage.



I hope that...



Hmm, its ...special.







It's been   years

since we met each other.



Why did you wait until the day you leave

to show me your flat?



-I'm really bad at decision making.

-And what made you decide?



Your cleavage.



It's nice, heh?



The dress is brand new.



Ok then

we will try not to damage it.



Are you sure it's okay

after years just as friends?



We prepared the terrain well,

it's time to build on it.



-Maybe we could wait a little bit longer.

-No, if we wait longer,..


           'll just get frustrated

and I don't want to be impolite.



-Oh, no.




-It's   o'clock.

-But it's Saturday.



-Yes, but I must go to work.




You just stopped working last night,

you didn't find a job during the night?



No, it's for my future job...


            appointment I booked

a long time ago.



But you waited for our "appointment"

for a long time.



Yes, a long time plus an hour.

And when I say   hour, that's a maximum.



Hey, blue boy, you take a number over there.



Don't forget your photos next time.




   . It's not even near my number.



-How long have you been a driver?

-   years yesterday.



I'm retired since this morning.



It's the first morning I can relax

and read the newspaper in    years.



Ah I see.



Wake up number    !



I am here!



Your form,   pictures...

sign here... and here.



Profesional Licence,

circulation certificate,...



...aquisition authourisation ,

the notebook, the plate and the sign.



-That's all?




-Nothing more after   years?

-You want me to sing "la Marseilleise"?



No, but a smile would have been nice.









It's   :   I went

to buy croissants...



...and, meanwhile, I married

the baker.



Goodbye and farewell.



Congratulations, Mr. Daniel.

You're welcome.



Yes, we insist.

Ok then...



-Hi, Daniel!

-Hey, Paulo!



-You're working in tourism now?




Your party was great

we drank like hell.



-Yep, it was great.

But your bike sounds weird. Is it ok?



Isn't there a strange noise?

Does it work well?




I use super-unleaded.



I just ran from   cops, you should have seen that.



Ok I'll tell you,   police

on bikes on the Avenue.



Before they were in first gear,

I had made it to the beach.



They were furious.



I hit full speed and left them

standing. They couldn't believe it.



They won't forget

Paulo that easily.



They didn't forget you Paulo.



Hey girls!

still wearing the moustaches?



Go, Paulo.



Hey girls - going to the beach?

It's a free ride today.



You will love it.

Want to come?



Hey are you a "taxi",

or a nice taxi?



The driver

is super nice.



He opens the door, doesn't make you car-sick,

Doesn't speak unless spoken to.



-and he carries your bags if asked nicely.

-Thank you, perfect.



And where are we going Miss?



You see the pink house over there,

with a big door?



-Yes, I see it.

-That's where we are going.



Do you prefer any route

in particular?



Put all that in the kitchen,

I'll organise it later.



-You have enough food for a week here.

-Oh no, my son is coming for lunch.



-All that for one meal ?

-No. On Sunday he prepares...



...all his meals

for the week.



His flat is so small

there is no kitchen.



and he's unable to cook

even an egg.




that's him in the picture.



He's a computer programmer.

He works at IBM.



-Everybody has their thing.

-And you. What is your "thing"?



I love driving, but

you probably didn't have time to see it!



My son's taking his driving

test for the  th time.




  is my lucky number. It will be lucky for him too.



At the end of the street,

we are going to take the first...



on... on ...on?



On the left,

Mr. Carbadec.



On the left, on the left!



On the left! Are you crazy? We are going to crash!



Holy shit!

In the    years I've worked here

I've never met such a complete idiot!



Can't you distingish right from left?



-Yes but you needed to tell me earlier.

-Maybe I should have sent a fax?



LEFT LEFT! It's not so difficult Man!

You turn a steering wheel and press a pedal!



I'm only doing my duty.

-And what is your duty?



Who the hell would hire a moron like you?



A circus; a zoo; BT or what?



Umm, a little bit of each...






Ah you should have said it earlier.

Should I have sent a fax?



Excuse me.



Can I offer you something Mr.Inspector?



Thank you it's superb.



Thank you. You are so nice,

I'll keep your card.



I don't want to be rude but

I need to go work.

Is it ok if I eat in the Taxi?.



Sure go ahead,

go to work!



Can you save my life?

Basically, no.


            depends on your symptoms.



I have a flight in    minutes.

If I miss it I'm a dead man.



If I catch it,

you are a rich man.



Humm... you are lucky man...



I'm no doctor but,...



...I really like emergencies.

Buckle up please!.



Maybe we should go now.



Let's party!



A white taxi

doing incredible speed!



Screwed my radar!



We'll take care of it. Got his number?



No; didn't have time. It was too fast.



Keep your eyes open!

That's your job!



Do you think we are going to make it

on time?



If we're going to miss it maybe

we should take our time.



It will be ok, we are going slowly now,

but on the motorway we can get up some speed.



Ah I see, I see.



Don't take risks for me

I don't want you to lose your licence.



No problem,

I don't have a licence.



Oh fantastic.



   minutes and    seconds.



Leaves you time to read the paper and

maybe a have a coffee. Have a good trip sir.



Thank you.



I don't understand.



On the computer I'm unbeatable.



First in Monaco,

Eight pole positions.



But on the streets

I'm a disaster.



Hey. How did you do?



Failed again.



No! You can't...

Champagne does get better with time...



...but this is almost

past it's sell-by date.



What happened?



Hit a butcher shop.

Makes a change from a paper stand.



You know what?



You should put a Mouse in your car,

instead of your steering wheel.



Like the disabled.



Come on...



Emilien, we just got

another record.



A taxi, near the harbour.

You know how fast?






Yes - in first gear.



When he engaged  nd:




You got it?



Do you think they called in the Air Force?

Imagine that speed!



Hey you heard the latest one?

Listen, it's funny.



What is the difference between

a comb and an egg?



Hey you are a lousy audience.

I'll come back later.



Yes, much  later, and if it's  night-time,

so much the better.



Next time,

knock before you enter!






I didn't say that for you



Ok Emilien. So what happened

with your test, it went badly?



Ah, the news travels fast.



I've got news for you.

The Chief is holding a meeting, and there's only you two missing



Ah no... we weren't informed



You just have to push that button



You see there; "Power".



You hear me or what? In my office right now!

Are you deaf Emilien?



No, not anymore.



So guys, after hitting Dutch, Italian, and Belgian banks...



...the Mercedes Gang

just arrived in France



These Germans absolutely must not invade our territory



My grandpa fell into their hands. That makes it personal.



So the Paris-Berlin links and French-German entent can kiss my arse!



Alright? No I don't mean you Petra.



You are German... right, but you are a cop so it's ok.



And they have the gaul to nominate

a city before hitting its banks!



It's unbelievable!



In   days

it will be Marseille bank.



Red Alert,

   hours a day!



We've got support

One driver per team.



When the Germans exit the bank, our teams will follow them...



...not losing them; twisting and

turning after them like a snake...

...before we strike!



Guys, this is why

this operation will be called






Petra, Can you please assemble the teams ?



  per car. One driver of the GGM, one co-odinator and one sniper.



Each team has a code-name and a stake-out

marked on the map behind you.



The teams members are listed next to the map.



You have    minutes to get into position.



Excuse me Petra, that dinner date we talked about...



...this week would be nice,




...the computer software I developed, that we've talked about...



...shouldn't be left too long.

Somebody could steal the idea.



Oh no,..who can't wait?

You or the software?






No! Him..It...the software...

the computer.



It's complicated.

This is why I thought...






As soon as the Germans are arrested,

I promise, I'm going to take care of you...



...of the software I mean.

Ah perfect.



Which team are you in?

With the Cobra.



Don't worry, you are lucky

I've put you in the best team.



Damn, There's no more coffee.



Hey have you seen my steering wheel?

It's nice, it's mine...



...I bought it from Alain Prost.



with a new grip

special Dakkar.



Even with a load of sand in the car...



Oh yeah?

Too bad we aren't at the beach then.



Hey, don't smoke

It irritates my eyes



No coffee, no smoking...



No girls!!



Boa calling TinySnake.

I repeat: Boa calling TinySnake.



TinySnake here, I'm listening.

Yeah, it's Alan. Is your team any good?



Superb. We are exchanging addresses.

And you?



Somebody is about to piss on me.

Apart from that everything's fine.



Rachid, the small black Peugeot behind ?



Man! You're crazy Marco!

We are not going to steal a car during the day!



Oh yeah, why not?



Fuck, Marco! Its full of cops!



We don't know this neighbourhood, We should stick to what we know.



No problem, all the cops are at the airport!



Theres are none for   Km

around here.



Are you crazy?



Be calm man! All the cops are

at the airport. I told you!



I've seen it on TV. Clinton

is there with his girl



Hey Cops! Look at Marco

he kisses you



Lets arrest him.

No, let him take the car,...



...let him finish his little act,

We need a better view.



I need to take a leak.



No, we can't leave the car. It's orders.



You see? All at the airport like I said.



Smile guys, you are on film.



I tell you guys if they don't show up

in one minute with their Mercedes,...


           's going to be coffee, smokes and a piss.



We're going to do all that later man!



To all the snakes... don't strike

until the mouse gets out of its hole.



I repeat don't strike until they exit.




No Petra, don't disturb me now, I'm busy.



But it's the Minister.



Mr Minister, aren't you at the airport?



We just finished.

Tell me more about that Mercedes gang...



We have located them and will grab them shortly.



Good! I have told my German colleague

that we will catch them right away.



The krauts won't get a chance...


            learn much about Marseilles



Tonight they will be in jail.

Tomorrow I'll send them home...



...Special Delivery.



Hold on a minute



I don't want this to become

a settling of accounts between French and Germans.



The war is over Gibert.

Of course, Mr Mister



I understand perfectly. They are criminals

just like the others, they aren't treated differently



Maybe you should start by not calling them krauts.



I called them krauts?












My mistake Mr Minister.



I can count on you?



Yes, don't worry. Remember the Chinks



Er, I mean the Asians.

Everything went smoothly.



Almost no deaths.



At least, not on our side.



Hello? Hello?

He hung up!



You see, it's easy.



Where are the cables?

Shit, Marco! Hurry up!



Move the car stupid

or do you want me to bring you the keys?



We are the "Coolbras"

and in Coolbra there is the word "cool"



We going to be "cool" rather than poisonous ok?



To all the snakes, don't miss them,

we want them alive.



At least for an hour.



I'm not really in the mood for this.

I guess I'd better leave you guys.




I really have to take a leak.



Lets GO!!



What is going on?

Something's wrong Mr Minister.



Don't move Mr Minister.






We've been ambushed!

Send us backup.



I identified the car...



I repeat, I identified the accomplice's car.



Four well-trained men.

Backup is coming Mr Minister!



Shit, shit!



Sir. I think we are shooting at cops.



Are they surrendering?



Hello, TinySnake here.

We had a small problem with the car door.



Good morning sir. Don't worry

you can go in   minutes.



No problem, no problem.



Thank you sir.



Here, there are giving up.



Uh it's funny...  he looks just like...



Like the Minister.



You didn't eat anything.



I'm not really hungry today.



Mum, no



Don't worry about your licence.



Remember your father, he never got one.



What? How come?

I remember him driving.when I was young



Yes, it's true.



He took the test    times

At the end they just gave it to him!



Thanks, I feel better now.

You're welcome



Here, David, the landlord's son,

asked me if you could repair that.



Yeah, tell him my name isn't Super Mario.



I know your name is Super Cop

the one who upholds the law



...and protect citizens from evil.



Oh dear, it's a nice profession you do

I'm proud of you.



Oh yes!

That's why you tell everyone I work at IBM?



You want me to bring you all the neighbour's parking tickets?






Ok, you work at IBM

It's our little secret..



I get to fix all the neighbour's electronic toys.



Never happy.

Oh Mum, I'm kidding!



Can you call me a taxi?

I will be late.



I just met a perfect one!



Friendly, pleasant, the cream of the crop.



You'll like him very much.






Am I on the wrong floor?



Depends on who you are looking for.






That's me...

Him, I mean it's here.



Ah you're her son, the one who works at Apple.



IBM. IBM. Mum!



You know I don't know anything about that stuff.

I recognized you from your photo,



Ah Daniel, meet my son Emilien.



I've put labels on them

Monday Veal, Tuesday...



Ok mom, I promise, I'll be ok.



Maybe we should go now

I get worried about leaving the car for long. Goodbye!




Kiss, kiss mum!



Where are we going?



Voltaire Blvd.



I remember the police station but not IBM.



We are going to the police Station.



I install computers there.



If you don't mind, I'll drop you just before?

I don't really like hanging around the pigs.



You know it makes a nice sound for a taxi.



You know cars?



Just a fan.



It's a V  a little bit modified.

It just loves to "sing"



Don't sing too loud.

The speed limit is   .



You're talking about the signs saying   ?






I thought it was for skateboards.



No, no, I think it's for anything that drives.



There is drive and "drive".

You see I'm at     in a good car...



...good pilot, relaxed

No risks.



I'm less dangerous at    

then that shit at   .






See that?



Yeah I saw it!



You're not afraid of radars?



We know where the radars are.



Pigs are creatures of habit.

Always eat at the same places.



See, there's one just there.

You see them, they are stupid!



Picture! Picture!



You know they are only doing their job.

They just obey orders.



They volunteered,

nobody forced them.



Sometimes I think they were forced to join.



Because you need to be stupid

to join the police.






...I see them alot

...because of the computers.



The image I had of them was false.



Oh yeah? They're worse in person?



No. They're better. There aren't

just plods in the police.



Ah yeah, there's also alcoholics, crooks, idiots!



Seriously, between us...


            know any normal person

who would want to join the Pigs?



And taxi drivers?



What about them?



You know anybody who

would WANT to become a taxi driver?



Those whinging guys who

only work when they feel like it?



The ones who scream at us

when we don't have the right change..



...and get abusive when we don't tip them.



Always sneaking around being

really chummy with the police.



Bunch of informers the lot of them.



And they all marry widows

just to get a free house.



Are you married to a widow?






Ah I'm so reassured!



Ok there may be a few drivers

who are rude to customers.



But we are not all like you said.



And with the police it's the same thing.



They aren't all drunk at   in the morning,

beating up innocent people.



Some of them do their jobs

Just like you... and me.



Maybe, yeah maybe.



But the problem is that taxi driving

isn't my real job.



Ah you only do the taxi for fun...

What's your real job then?



I'm going to show you.



Do you have a bag?

I don't feel well.



Don't worry. As long as we keep

moving nothing will come up.






I'm sorry sir

it's the first time it's happened to me.



Usually the client gets out

to walk a bit...then...



I'm really sorry.



I'm going to confess something.



I'm like you. It's not my real job...



Oh, no.



Oh, yeah.



Last name and first name.

Morales, Daniel.



Profession. Shall I write crazy taxi driver

or just crazy driver?



Whatever you want.



What speed were you doing back there?

A little   .



A little   .



It felt worse than it was.

The motor really kicks



but in reality the car doesn't go that fast.



Eh, world champion, how's it going?

Fine, very good.



Can't you leave me in peace?



Remember that taxi?

We saw it   minutes ago on the avenue.



Going     Km/h. He's slowing down!



You see? Not   ...    .



Must be the sun.

I didn't see the   on the speedo.



That's why I saw   

If I'd known I would have slowed down.



Anyway    is illegal.

The limit is   ... for everybody!



Cars, skateboards,

taxis... everybody!



Are you happy now? Caught me.

Did your little job. You can be happy now.



My licence is my life

If I walk today I'm dead tomorrow.



Are you going to be cool and finish this quickly.



I'm going slowly, So I can enjoy it a bit.



Usually I'm the one being screamed at all day.

For once I'm in luck.



I didn't knock because of my wrist.



It doesn't matter...

That you didn't knock I mean.



Thank you.



That dinner; your software that can't wait.




Can it will wait until

I don't have any scarves.



unless you want to have dinner

with a scarecrow.



I doesn't bother me...

you're perfect Petra.



It's not important... I mean no...

yes it matters



It's important.

it's very bad for you...



... but for me..

for the software it doesn't matter.



You see!

All day it's been like that.



If only I could catch

those German bastards.



Can I go now?

It will make you feel better.



No, I have to...

Unless you have an idea.



Can I promise not to do it again?

I said an idea, not a lie.



I'm talkin about a real idea

of public interest.



You want to make me clean up dog shit?






Something of public interest

for me. Understand?



It's like I represent the public...



... and you do something in my interest.



You want money?



Argh you're really stupid!



Tell me clearly what you want.

I've had an hour of your yapping.



What do you want?






The Mercedes gang.

Rings a bell?



No. The only gangs I know

are on scooters.



They're a gang specialising in bank robbery.

Yesterday was their  th.



And that makes my boss sick.



That's bad.



Yes, mostly for us.

Listen, I've a proposal for you.



You're a good mechanic and driver

and I need a driver.



That's   good reasons to hire you

as an intern for   month.



I tear up all your infractions.



You want me to be a cop for   month?



Choose, cop or pedestrian.



Death or Shame?



Yep, you understood well!



Here you have all seven

attacks in order.



Don't know much about Mercedes.

I'm more Ferrari.



Right now the gang is "Mercedes"

but as soon they get in Ferrari, I'll call you.



A red Mercedes. Horrible.



Yeah red, look for something we don't know.



We looked everywhere

but maybe...a detail.



We just need a detail.



Your gang.

They are German.



Nice! Mercedes: Germans.

Want to relax   minutes now? You must be exhausted.



Tyres are overinflated.

Typical of Germans.



They use  -inchers.

That had to be done in Germany 'cos you can't find it in France.



The tyres are worn.

They will have to replace them soon.



On this picture, the silencer is a little bent.

But not on this one.



They must have bent it during a raid

and repaired it after.



The only mechanic in Marseilles that repairs these is Kruger.



And Kruger German.



Lucky you're not a Mercedes expert!



Where are we going?



We're starting with Kruger

to see if he remembers anything.



What are you waiting for?

You want me to sing a song?



In this neighbourhood, even the Chrismas lights get stolen.



What are we doing now?



We're doing what takes up   % of a policeman's life...






Familiarise yourself with the terrain,

observe entrances and exits



...and analyse the situation.



At closing time, we'll go and ask Kruger a few questions.



When does the place close?



Kruger's? He never closes; he's insomniac.






They didn't have anything else.



Too bad we didn't stop by my mother's.

She makes terrific sandwiches.



Ham and Cheese.

Half Bayonne, half Parisian.



It's wonderful.



She made you one?






A small slice of cheese in the middle

with lettuce.



...and pickles.




That's mine.

Ah, really good, congratulations.



What's he doing?

That's a Korean driver.



A real pain in the ass in my job.

They work    hours a day.



He must sleep sometime.

They are human.



No, they have a "technique"



One taxi, one plate,

one licence,...



...and   drivers.



Can you tell the difference between   Koreans?






I know a Korean who does food as a business.

Want some?



No. we wait until he closes his garage.



We'll be waiting a long time.

The guy is insomniac and never closes.



How do you know that?

The bar owner.



Why didn't you tell me before?



I haven't been in the police force long.

I don't have the reflexes.



It's not special to cops.

It's just common sense you idiot!



We are here two fools

waiting for an insomniac to go to sleep!



Does that sound logical to you?



If I'm the Mercedes driver

and I know that the mechanic is insomniac...



...I'll come during the night,

it's much more discrete.



Oh yeah? You think that the driver will just show up...



...with his nice Mercedes?



I don't believe it!



When a driver's not driving

he's always in a Garage.



What are they doing there?



Probably the  -inch

tyres they ordered from Kruger.



It's a miracle.

I can't let go such an opportunity.



If it goes bad, call the station

and give the Mercedes plate numbers.



Where are you going?

After information...and action.



The Korean trick.




The Korean trick!



What an idiot!



The new tyres.

Where they are going to put them?



What are you doing there?

Me? Sleeping.



I don't have a house. My country is very cold.



Please! Don't hurt me.

I just wanted to sleep.



I'm going to take you to a house

where you'll sleep...



and maybe even eat if you're lucky.



Hey you're hurting me!

I'm doing my best.



What is your name?




Oh, yeah. Daniel.

I'm Emilien.



We should call each other by name, it'll be better.



Yeah better.



Now that we are friends,

what just happened...



stays between us...



When you let go of my hand,

will I be able to go to sleep?



I'm no insomniac or Korean.






I waited for you all night.



It was deliberate,

so that you would really want me.



You won't regret waiting.



Promises, promises.

Let me see what you can do.



Not too bad

a little bit more.



What? What is going on?



It's  am and this is not Sunday.

It's Monday.



You can't do that Lily.

I waited all night.



And me? I played dominos



Can't you call in sick?



Sick on Monday morning?

My boss will really like that.



No one ever got away with that.



It can happen to anybody.

Being sick on Monday morning.



You went to eat at your parents'.

You ate too much...



...and you puked all night.

It's possible, isn't it?



A man who works all week

and goes missing on Sunday.



Do you think he can keep a relationship?



I'm so sorry, Lily.

I had a shitty day.



I promise that if you come to dinner here

tonight I'll explain everything.



Ok, light meal

I don't want to be sick Tuesday morning.



A short time at the table and a long time in bed.



We could even eat in bed to save time.



You'd better be good...

it's your last chance



I'm going to impress you.



We're going to wait all day

in front of the garage - again?



We're done with observation,

Now it's interrogation.



Are you interested in seeing

a real interrogation?




You're going to come anyway.



I won't be any use. I'm better staying

with the taxi in case shit happens.



I need a translator.

I don't want him to bamboozle me with technicalities.



Kruger doesn't have a chance against me,

I'm telling you.



Good morning gentlemen.



Which one of you is called Kruger, please?



It's written on the label

just like a waitress.



Mr Kruger, I've

got a few questions.



Don't worry

it won't be long.



Fuck I'm out of ammo!

What for? They are long gone.



Yeah? Open you eyes.

There's nobody here.



Yeah, nobody.



Can I ask you a quick question?




Are your interrogations

always like that, or was it to please me?



Usually I ask at least one question.



Let's get some air.



You know, you saved my life.









I owe you a big favour.

Lets forget that month's work...



and turn it into a just a week.



That your idea of a favour, huh?



I need to catch that gang, it's important

to me.



Because of the blonde chick?




In part yes,

but mostly for me, understand.



I'm tired of spending nights

sorting garbage.



It's a question of honour.

Maybe it's crazy, but I need this,



Can I have the night off?

You're kidding - of course you have.



Can I borrow him?




I lost my prescription

the doctor agreed to do another one.



They are closing in   minutes.

It's my heart medecine.



I won't let you die here.

This way I'll have saved the whole family today.



You're so charming, Daniel.



I know, I know.



Look Johnny, here they come.

Don't worry baby.



I've put a transmittter in that bullet

this way they can't get away.



You're so clever Johnny

It's my job baby.



Now we just have to follow them.




...let's save your father.



I'll never forget what you've done for me Johnny.

It's my job baby.




we just received a call.



They're really baiting us.



Gonna be the Marseilles Bank.



Since they are so precise with us,

I'm going to be so with you.



I won't tolerate any misbehavior...accidents




Perfect coordination.



I have two words for this mission...






...and efficiency.



So I decided

to name this mission



the Operation...









Forget the TinySnakes and Cobras

I just got the idea of the century.



The Mercedes Gang will be nailed tonight

or I'm not called Emilien Barbadec.



I hope your plan is foolproof

'cos this is your last shot.



I giving you that shot

so be kind and don't miss.



Everybody on the floor!




Hands on heads!



Lie down! Don't move.



Come on!



Hey you! Get your head down!

Don't look at us!



It's working.

Good, very good.



Stay down all of you!



Follow them at a distance.



So you won't be scared.



They stopped in Gauguin St.

We have them.



Here is Gibert.



All units: close off an area

  km around Gauguin St.



They're not moving.

Same street.



What's happening?



The dot disappeared.



I saw it disappear.



I want you to find out why.



They must be this way...



...a red Mercedes

doesn't go by unnoticed.



They're close, I can feel it.



They are supposed to be here.



Go, Go !



Don't shoot.

I'm the hostage.









I don't understand.

I'm missing something.



A red Mercedes vanished.

Even Copperfield never did that.



Good Day. Papers please



What is happening officer?



You're German?

Yes, why?



Is this the frontier?



Chief,   Germans in a Mercedes

not red. Interested?



I'm taking it.



So you're Germans.

Yes, is it a problem?



No, it's good actually.

Open the trunk.



What are you doing in Marseilles?

We came to spend Deutsch Marks...



...but we can do that in another country if you prefer... No,...



...I prefer that you keep that

in our territory.



Ok goodbye.

Have a nice stay.






I don't understand, it's impossible.

I must have forgotten a detail.



You see, he forgot the kettle.

You think so? That's not like him.



It's  pm. I've put on the answerphone,

set the alarm for   o'clock.



We've got    hours.



It should be enough

I think it's going to be tight...



...but we can hurry a bit at the end.



Expecting somebody?



Yes my lover, but when you turned up

I cancelled.



Who could it be?

Leave it, they will probably go away.



Where were we?

I was kissing you.



No you were kissing me.



What if it's important?




I don't know... the cops.



Ah yes, if you were a notorious criminal

and they came to get you.



You could take me hostage.

Why don't you just take me?



Open, Police!

You didn't kill anybody?






God, Daniel!

Are you there!






You can't imagine the shit I'm in.

Yes I can.



No, no you can't.



It's gone, we don't have a flat anymore.



The flat that my father gave us.



Gone up in smoke, just like my father.

My husband smoked a lot,...



...but he died of liver cancer,

we never knew why - he didn't drink.



The flat is nothing! The worst

is that I messed up again.



If I don't catch them by the end of this week

I'm back on the beat next Monday.



Stick, whistle, hello kids !



I might as well die on Monday.



Daniel, who's that dwarf?

A friend




Playing with smurfs now?



It's a bit complicated,

he's a cop... What?



You've got a friend in the police?

Not a real friend...



I work for him, because..

You work for the cops?



No, not for the cops, for him!

He's not really a cop,...



...looks more like a secret agent.

Something like that.



And the old lady is Mata Hari.



Can someone explain to her?

I can't do it.




My name is Camille.



The smurf sitting there

is my son, Emilien.



Do you want to show me the kitchen?

I'll make some coffee.



and explain everything.



There is nothing to explain mum,...



...I'm done, I'm on the street. It's finished.

But it started well...



Then came the garbage bin, the butcher, the  Mercedes...



What are you going to do about them?

Want me to call the real cops?



Be nice, don't complicate the situation




I'm not complicating the situation.



I just want to finish

what we started.



I don't want to waste an hour

because our schedule is quite tight.



I got caught at the harbour.

I mean seriously caught.



I could loose my licence for     years.



I help him and he gives me back my licence.

    years of unemployment understand?



Cop, Street-entertainer, Smurf



Nice job, you could have killed him

before he ever got back to work.



Here you go

it was stupid of me.



I'm not kidding

you're free.



Take it.



Daniel, you know

I didn't came here for our deal.



I haven't got any other friends

Mum told me you had a big heart.



"Daniel has a big heart.

He'll help"



Ok I think we made a mistake

it doesn't matter.



It's not important. It's not your problem.



Don't worry.

I'll catch the gang alone.



On foot. Won't be easy

But I'm gonna do it.



Listen, the best way to get rid of him

is to solve his problem.



But he doesn't have "a" problem,

he's got tons.



Look at his face,

he reminds me of "silence of the lambs".



You look after Mata Hari

and I'll see to the Smurf.



I'll be back in two hours.

And what do I do with her for two hours?



Do we play bingo?

Please, Lily.



If you're not back in two hours I burn the lady.



It's a deal.



Come on. Where are we going?

To solve your problem.



I'm sorry to ruin your evening.



You coffee any good?



The best in town.



A little coffee to lighten the atmosphere

and to find forgiveness.



I know you don't want to talk to me anymore

But listen please.






You have one minute.



I was up all night thinking and

there was one question I couldn't answer.



Why are they showing off to us?



Why a red Mercedes

when grey is much more discreet?



To get our attention:

look here, then...


            appears there.

It's a red herring.



Conclusion: they left the building empty-handed

and the money took another road.



Or maybe the money is still in the bank.



One minute. Show's over.



I'll be back later.



Ten grand.

Thank you very much.



To help pay the rent for the next few years.



And my wife?



You really want her back?

Well, I'm used to her now.



Calm down dear.



Now, everything's going to be fine.



One other bank, and we retire



And for the last one, I suggest a real masterpiece.



Emilien. Emilien!

Leave me.



If I tell you how they switched

from a red to a grey Mercedes.



Go on...

They didn't change car, they changed colour.



A red Mercedes enters a carpark...



...and a classic grey Mercedes

exits and drives away.



It's possible.

Candy from a baby.



If they did repaint the car

we would have found paint traces somewhere.



Unless they used a truck

to spray the car in.



They'd need to buy loads of paint

to do that each time.



They did it really fast.

They had less than ten minutes.

Is there a paint which dries in ten minutess?



Hello, Gegé? Sorry for waking you up,

It's Daniel.



I need your magic paint

the  MD  .



Metallic grey.



You ran out?

Who could have bought all that in one shot?



At the "circuit des étangs?"



Why do they want that much paint?

To paint the circuit red?



No, ok, don't worry

I'll try dealing with them.



Talk to you soon. Thanks man.



What does it mean MD  ?

Dry in ten minutes.



You like my theory?



You think it's them? No those are the butchers

they train every Tuesday.



Tell me Daniel.

what is your plan?



What are you doing?

We are going to say hi!.



They are going to see us.

Yep, we'll make sure they don't forget us.



They will recognise me

they got a good look at me the other night.



Put that on.

Oh shit.



Is is ok like that?



It's perfect.



Hey faggots, everything ok?

Think you are Schumacher?



Fancy a spin around the circuit?

What a cute little car.






Thay build cars too?

Do Germans know how to play tortoise and hare?



Don't know how to play?

I'll teach you.



Give me fifty.



Maybe I should get out now?

No, you'll enjoy this.



The Tortoise and Hare works like this...



...Fifty to anyone who can pass my car over two laps. One on one.



You know how to count?

We don't want the money.



I said fifty because I'd feel bad taking you for more.



A tourist who doesn't get robbed

is not really a tourist is he?



Check your rearview mirror in case I lap you

during the first lap.



It will save you doing the second.



Thanks girls!



Get lost




I hate to rush off but

I gotta go to the garage.



I don't know what's wrong with my car

It doesn't run fast anymore.



Whenever you want a rematch...



Here's your fifty. What are we doing now?

Lets get a drink.






You're crazy we had the gang.

and you act the fool?



We could have called backup and got them!

Yeah, on what charge?



Speeding?.. on a circuit?

Oh, the evidence



Evidence comes later.

We are used to that.



We needed to catch them in the act,

That's what you said? Yes or no?



For the moment it's us that break the law.



If we carry on, it's us who will be jailed.



I understand ok?



You're going to get your bust.



They are all warmed up.

And nobody enjoys a game more than a driver.



Now we can set a

trap for them.



Yeah? What kind of trap?

A trap for idiots.



And what is your "idiot trap?"

Not an "Idiot Trap."



I said "a trap"

Ok. how does it work?



It goes like this

we bring them where we want.



And that is: here.



We will need    Traffic Light keys

and    Super Walkie-Talkies.



Walkie-Talkie ok

but keys, the guys always carry them.



Except when they take their shower.



Oh no?

Oh yes.



Oh no?

Oh yes.



You're talented!



Here you go, Jimmy.



Will it take long? I'm freezing.

One minute.



Emilien, I got one...



What are you doing naked?



I'm not naked.

I've got a towel wrapped around me.



And what do you care?



I've got the right to be naked in my office, haven't I?



Isn't it my office?




No-one ever taught you to knock?



You'll never learn anything idiot!



Oh, what a welcome

I wanted to tell you a good joke.



Your jokes are never funny.

Get out!



Ah! That feels so good!









Am I disturbing you?






Yes, I can see you're disturbed.

I'll come back later.



The one time she comes in

with something to tell me...



...I'm naked in the middle of the office.

You believe that Daniel?



What can I say?

Anyway look at her...



She's so beautiful.

She's already a Sergeant.



What could she see in a guy like me?

Ho, ho. Enough.



You done whining?

You've started digging your grave already.



She's not a charity.

A chassis like that doesn't run on petrol.



What she need is a MAN.



Straighten up.

You look like a monkey.



Stand up straight!



Now you go see her and you kiss her.



You either get a slap in the face or

you get her for the next ten years.



There's a   /   chance.

If it doesn't work at least you'll know.



It's like a game show.

You win or you lose.



Are you ok, Emilien?

Are you ok?



You are right.

I shouldn't worry.



I've got to go for it

I got it.



It was   /  .

He will get other chances.



Where are we with the keys?




Take them.



You think she's going to be angry?



A girl shows up    hours late.

What do you do?



I kill her.

So you have your answer!



But we've got flowers.



Oh the nice flowers!

Can we smoke them?



You bake all those cakes?




Since we couldn't make love,

we got revenge with cakes.



What a crisis!



Thanks, Camille.

I had a wonderful day.



Sweet smelling flowers.

Thanks. Goodbye.



You don't want to make love?



You have visitors.

You have to take care of them.



Another day, another year.

It makes no difference.



Camille will be in your bed.

Her back hurts.



Good night boys.



God, it's good stuff.

Sure it's Jamaican.



You see. It's not all bad in the police.

Stop it you are tempting me.



Why didn't you race professionally

instead of doing it with a taxi?



My father spent is life in a wheelchair

because of a car accident.



How could I explain to him I wanted to be a racing driver.



I see.



And you? What did you do

to end up so badly?



My story's not so bad.



My dad died when I was   

We were alone, mother and I.



So I had to go to work right away.



Without a degree, only the cops will take you.



Where did you live?

At Asnières.



At Jules Ferry?

Yes. Why?



You too?



Yes, I swear.



It's crazy

we could have ended up in the same class.



I would have taught you to steal bikes.

You would have turned out better!



Life is like that. You dream about so many things

when you are a kid but finally...



...nothing goes as planned.



You dream of playing in front

you end up goalie.



You think our plan is going to work?



It will roll.



Are you sure?



Come in.



Am I disturbing you?



No, it's ok.

What do you need?



Red Alert!



Guys, the Plan Couger is under way.



Their target is the S.D.L.M..



Here are your positions

for today.



Arthur, at the crossroads Nº  .



Jacky, Nº  ...


            National Flamarion crossroads.

Momo at the crossroads de Le Beché.



Nº   radio and key.

Nº   radio and key. Nº  ...






I know. You'll be back in an hour.




I'll wait for you at your place.



Cougar speaking

the bird is in the cage.



Everybody quiet!

On your knees!



Cougar speaking. the bird will soon get ot of his cage.



Prepare yourselves.



Shit they have hostages,

Don't do anything for the moment.



No more room for you.



Ok no problem.



You're going to run next to the car.

It won't be too bad



I'm tired!



Bastards! All Cougar units advance!

Catch the birds.



Catch the birds!



You see it's not the Mercedes we needed to follow...



It's the truck we needed to follow.



This deserves a toast!



And now we can all go home!



Cheers! Cheers!



Let's party.



Everything's ready?

Twenty strategic points blocked.



If they cross any of these junctions

they are caught like rats.



They're taking Michelet Boulevard,

they're going to Place Mazard.



Who's on that corner?



Jean-Bat, Nº  .

Call him. He will be the opening act.



Nº   Jean-Bat.

You hear me?



Yes, listening.

You're going to be first. You in position?



Yes no problem.



It's our turn now.



It won't fit.



Nag, nag...



Hey Bavarians, how are you

Still in your tractor?



Sorry about the last time.

I forgot the handbrake. That's why I was so slow.



Hey I'm telling you.

It's a lot better now.



Want to do another Tortoise/Hare or you just chicken?



Ok, you Frogs

always got a big mouth



Come on the motorway with me & we'll see!

Did I upset you?



I'm going to blow up your Peugeot!

I did upset you.



I'm sorry, very sorry.



I'll give you another chance,

but I won't bet much this time.



I feel bad taking money from you so easily.

Here you go my baby,   F.



You're going to pay for your insolence.

Better to be insolent than ridiculous!



I think you over did it a bit.



Not at all,

Tell     and   to go red.



Jean-Bat, go on red now.



Nº    in position.

Nº    in position.



Perfect.    and    prepare yourselves.



This is Nº  

I've got a small problem.



There are two cops standing at the light.






Move them!



Easy for you to say! They set up home.



We are nearly there. Sort it out

or we are done for.



Pollo, let me talk to the cops.



Excuse me sir, it's for you.






This is Gibert.

We found a bomb and it's right next to you.




In the traffic light.



Stay calm

we know how to defuse it.



Listen carefully. Put the key in the light

and make the light turn red.



It's already red!



Don't worry about the colour



...just turn the key to the right!



Yes, yes, Mr Commissioner.



We've just passed   .



Hurry up! Hurry up!



Let me do it!



   and    get ready.    is the last.



I know.



Are you sure this is the right road?



It's a shortcut.



The motorway! They're dead meat.

We have more power.



What was that fence for Daniel..?



The motorway isn't finished. It's a dead end.



The fact that you know that

doesn't reassure me.



I may look calm to you

but I'm crapping it here..






That's what worries me,

I wanted a long life.



Ten seconds.



Squash that rat!



Stop. There's no bridge!



Five seconds.



GO! Trash him! Trash him!



Let them win Daniel.



You only bet   F. I don't want to die for it.



It's now or never! Hold on!!!



Excellent, Karl!

We won!



Are you sure?



I swear, you scared me to death!



I really thought

you'd rather die than lose.



With the tortoise and the hare,

it's always the tortoise who wins!



Einstein! You know "La Fontaine?"



That damn shit! Goddamn!









The big hare is not happy to be

fucked by the little tortoise.



Cougar will be happy.

He's wanted to taste hare for a long time.



Ja, ja...big hare

big hare.



I'm sorry about this place.



It's not very romantic.



But I wanted you so much.






I was starting to wonder...



Shall we do it again?




We have to go now.



Daniel, What are you doing?

I've been looking for you for    minutes.



What were you doing in the dark?



Developing photos.



This is not the time for photos.

The Commissioner is waiting!



In the name of the President of the Republic


            is my privilege to present to you

the Knight's Order of National Merit.






I owe you an apology.



For not believing in me or for slapping me?




Can you ever forgive me?



I'll think of a way...



I read about your exploits.






This experience made us think.




We are going to change the way we see the road.



...create a more efficient police force.






All thanks to you.



Thankyou sir.



The medal is only a symbol.

It won't get your licence back.



I was hoping for more...






Yes, that would be good.



We had evidence to put you in

jail for years. But you are free.



I'm not free. I'm on foot.



I understand.



Without a car

you are like an orphan.



Yes an pedestrian orphan.



I understand.



I have a solution

but I'm not sure you will like it.



Tell me and we'll see.



So are you happy or not?






You're not happy?



Yes it's super.



I don't understand. First Grand Prix.

First grid, super car, friends,...



...beautiful girlfriend. What's wrong?



The sponsor!



We find him money, a car

and still he's unhappy.



Tell the cheerleaders to stop waving their pom-poms.

It distracts me.



You know what you could do

to make me happy?



Yeah? What?



Win the race! It doesn't matter a damn

which sponsor's name is on the car.



Ok then, Take the Champagne out of

the fridge 'cos I don't like it too cold.



Let's go, Daniel!


Special help by SergeiK