Voila! Finally, the Terminal Velocity
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Charlie Sheen movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Terminal Velocity. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
[ Shrieks ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Woman ] I tailed Kerr from the factory. I lost him.
But I saw it land: their lnterflug.
An hour ago. When I asked for Orgenov,
this asshole in Defense Ministry said he was unavailable.
Probably blind drunk. Then he denied that any plane had been hijacked.
So what are the tire marks on the roof of my car?
Somewhere in the desert. I don't know where they'll hide it.
It's too late to bring ethics into this. Way too late.
I can't do it. I can't!
These are our own people, for Christ's sake.
[ Speaking Russian ] Face reality. It's over.
They know we turned on them.
They won't sleep till we're dead.
I'm leaving Tucson. If you're smart, so will you.
Where's your roommate?
Better tell me.
Wanna talk now or what?
[ Gasping, Coughing ]
Hey! Where is she?
Don't you think you were a little rough on her?
I don't know. It'll look like she slipped in the shower.
- What about the roommate? - We'll be back.
Oof. This car brings me to my knees.
- You did good up there. - Oh, shut up.
Temperatures are already dropping, along with the barometer-- Whoa!
- Is this the bachelorette party for-- - It's Bernadette's party.
- Bernadette is eight years old today. - Oh.
[ Tires Squealing, Siren Wails ]
Well, in case you missed it, there was a U.F.O. spotted over Phoenix today.
That's "Unidentified Falling Object."
You may remember -year-old Richard Brodie from another high-profile escapade.
Last year Brodie skydived into a football game at Sun Devils stadium...
and proceeded to pick up the ball and run for a touchdown.
He was tackled in the end zone by both teams.
As a result of today's stunt, police charged the wayward skydiver...
with violating restricted air space.
The F.A.A. is said to be investigating.
¢Ü Got a ten-room house that overlooks the sea ¢Ü
¢Ü Got a boss at work who's overlookin' me-- ¢Ü ¢Ü
- Polyester makin' a comeback? - Loaner clothes. County jail.
Uh-huh. Suit with the breakaway buttocks?
- Tryin' to pick up a little extra cash, Jo. A man's gotta eat. - Y eah? Eat this.
F.A.A. inspection report. They hit us with safety violations last month.
That's the most for any jump center in the country. And now, you pull this.
- Wow. The most ever? - Y eah.
[ Brodie ] Thank you, thank you. All right, relax.
- Shut up! - [ Cheering Stops ]
We're already on the F.A.A. hit list.
You pull a stupid stunt like this, it hurts everyone here.
Now you listen to me. Until we pass the next inspection,
there will be no more base jumps off of radar towers.
No more bungee jumps off construction cranes while they're operating.
And, Ditch, no more low altitude pulls. You're going to bounce.
Yeah. Can I use a Q-tip inside my ear or just around the edge?
This is serious. Knock it off. Quit kiddin' around.
All right. Ease up, Jo. Just tell me what you need done.
Reserve chute inspections, A.O.D. checks, pH tests.
- All the things I put on the list. - What list?
The list I put on your desk last week.
You put it in there?
- Hey, handsome. - Hiya, Max. How are you?
You gonna be done soon?
Y eah, soon as I file this half of the room and chrome that half.
Got a new student needs a lesson. Think you can handle it?
- You better run it past Jo. - Can't do that. Jo--
This is not you. [ Chuckling ]
- Afraid so. - This is you!
Oh, my God. I didn't know you were one of those big gymnast guys.
How come you never showed this to anyone? You look so cute.
- See the haircut? That's how come. - Uh-huh.
You are so funny.
Ahem. Okay. Jo's gone into Phoenix, and I got four phone calls on hold.
I really need you to schedule this lesson for me, okay? Please?
All right. Where is he?
It's a she.
You better get on those phone calls, Max.
- Yeah. Yeah. - See ya later.
Uh-huh. See ya.
I can't believe I'm doing this. You're the instructor?
Yes. Ditch Brodie.
If you saw the recent media coverage, it was all a pack of lies.
- Sorry. I didn't know. - Good.
- Um, Chris Morrow. Hi. - Hi, Chris.
I, uh, wanted to take a lesson today, so--
I think I do-- Y eah, I think I do.
- So it's a rush, right? - Oh, yeah.
That's what I keep reading. Just like a great high, right?
- Let me guess. First time? - How'd you know?
Just a hunch.
Listen, Chris, I'm a little shorthanded today.
The good news is I can squeeze you in first thing Friday morning.
- How's that sound? - Hey, Ditch, if you're grounded, maybe I could--
Hello, Tom. Bye, Tom. Hey, guys, it's me, all right?
- Ditch? - You don't want Tom.
- Why not? - Because you want the best, and you're already talkin' to him.
- How does Friday sound? - Right. Um--
I don't know. Maybe.
You see, it took me a while to work up the nerve to just drive here,
and I think if I don't do it today, right now,
I'm afraid I may never come back.
[ Muttering ] Oh, boy.
- Okay. - Y eah?
- Y eah. - Oh, my God!
Now, first lesson, I usually recommend a tandem jump.
- Which is? - We go out of the plane together.
I hang onto you the entire way down. It's a nice, safe, secure feeling.
Right. Like that?
Unless you prefer to be on top.
Um, someone mentioned a static line.
- C-Could we try that or-- - Yeah, it's an option.
- That's safe, right? - Yeah.
- So we're on. - This is good. I'm excited.
- Oh, God. - I mean, I'm excited.
- Oh, really? Okay. - Let's sign you up, all right?
- Break. - You dip your right shoulder, then move to the right.
Your other right. There you go.
Dip your left shoulder and move to the left. Feel that?
Stay in the middle, you're flyin' stable. How's that feel?
[ Laughing ] I don't know. I'm not very athletic.
It's not too late to switch to tandem.
Oh, we'll stick with this, as long as it's safe, I mean.
Very safe. Let's get you out of the harness and go find you a jumpsuit.
How about this?
It's cute, but it's a little baggy, don't you think?
- How about this gray one? It's smaller. - I think the orange works.
- Cool. - Do I have time to make a call?
I promised my roommate one last chance to talk me out of this.
- Sure. Phone's over there. - Great. Thanks. What about this?
- I'll take that into the locker room for you. - You sure?
- Yeah. - She's gorgeous but cheap.
- What's that? - Your new student. She's stingy.
I offered to tape her jump, special introductory price: $ . .
She played me like a video game. Maybe you could talk her into it.
I got something else in mind.
- It's : now. - Uh-huh?
We do the jump, grab a Coke afterwards,
talk about our bonding experience on the way down.
Leave her a message around : : --
- "Hey, what's up? It's me, Ditch." - Right. Dinner.
- Yady-yady-yada. - Yady-yady-yada.
Her place. Kick the stuffed animals off the bed by : .
- I'm home by : . - In time to watch Leno.
- Yep. What do you think? - I say go for it.
I'm all over it.
Up you go.
- [ Beeping ] - Dirt alert.
- Huh? - You only hear this for eight seconds.
- And then what? - Splat.
Scattered clouds. You wanna go upstairs?
Maybe six grand, huh?
- Just find us some good air. - Roger.
Still got a few minutes. Just relax.
[ Chuckles ] Between your legs?
- Best seat in the house. - Why do you pretend that that's what you're about?
What makes you think I'm pretending?
Because I'd be stupid to trust my life with a walking penis.
- [ Choked Laugh ] - And I'm not stupid.
I'm much more than a walking penis. I'm a flying penis.
Y es, you are.
Remember: hard arch into the wind.
Now, your chute opens automatically, but look up and check it.
Be sure that it's opened. If it hasn't, cut away. Use your reserve.
Hello. I'm over here.
I thought I saw another plane. Is that safe?
- We got company? - Not that I see.
- Let's get ready to jump-run. - Mmm.
Now when you fi--
- [ Beeping ] - Ahh! Pull your cord!
[ Thud, Ditch Groans ]
- [ Beeping ] - Pull! Pull! Pull!
Ah! Ah! Shit.
We used to joke about it, didn't we?
'Bout some student hittin' the dirt and diggin' in like Wile E. Coyote.
I saw her, man.
I was right here videotaping landings.
I saw her bounce.
I don't think we'll be joking about it anymore.
What happened, man?
How'd she get away from you?
[ Ditch Shouting ] I'm very calm!
We're flying. I looked back-- You think I'm lying, don't you?
I looked back. Then she's gone.
She's gone! One minute she's there; the next, she's gone.
[ lndistinct ]
You're up next. These guys are tough.
I could have sworn I did her dope-rope.
I could have sworn I hooked her in.
Sometimes you do it when you load up; other times, right before you jump.
But I could have sworn--
Handsome gal, she was.
- Yeah. And? - Hell. An angel like that walks in,
a man starts thinkin' with his little head.
I hooked her in, Noble!
Like I've done thousands of times!
That's what you can tell the F.A.A. guys.
Then what do I say? I saw the line break?
That she unhooked herself?
I never saw the line on her, son.
That's all I can say...
if they ask me.
Come on, man. Nobody's gonna do this. There's easier ways to kill yourself.
Earth's rushing up at you at miles an hour, and all you gotta do is not pull?
What's easier than that?
Come on. After all these years, you never thought about it?
No, man. I never have.
Hey, wait a minute. That must be her roommate. She called her roommate.
" High Desert Road."
Tucson. [ Zipping Bag ]
Not very athletic.
Y eah, right.
A Boss fan.
Who the hell are you?
What are you, the boyfriend? Huh?
Where's the body?
Who the hell are you?
Well... here's my card.
Where's the body?
[ Growling ]
I'll give you bucks for it.
- I just want to get an idea where it's from. - It's a handy little poker.
But it's seen better days. Phosphate finish.
Steel hammerbutt cap. Sawtooth back edge for wire cutting.
- Ninety bucks, my final offer. - What about these markings?
- Cyrillic. - From Syria?
Ditch, I don't got all day.
Take my dough or take a hike.
- How fast this thing go? - 'Bout .
- You're gonna kill yourself. - Exactly. But what a ride.
[ Laughing Crazily ]
[ Rapping ] Hello? Hello!
[ Rapping ] Hello? Hello!
- Richard Brodie? - Maybe.
You know, this dust that you have out here?
It just kills me. How do you stand it every day?
I like dust. Who are you?
My name is Ben... [ Sighs ]...Pinkwater.
I called earlier, and, uh, there was no answer. So I figured I'd take a chance.
I'm glad I did 'cause I need to speak with you about a Chris Morrow.
- Can't you F.A.A. guys just get off my back? - Sorry, I'm not from the F.A.A.
Maybe I wasn't clear. Um, I'm the, uh, Deputy District Attorney of Tucson.
I'm here to determine whether manslaughter charges should be brought against you...
in Chris Morrow's death.
I don't know what the hell's goin' on,
except somebody's doin' a major number on my head.
Yes, well, let's just stick to specifics, shall we?
I find it works better that way.
Yesterday, this wet dream walks in,
all cute and jittery like she's never been on a jump before.
Then I find this in her apartment.
So you think she misrepresented her actual abilities.
I think she did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks.
[ Chuckling ] That's very good.
That's very funny.
Uh-- [ Sniffing ] What were you doing in her apartment?
Lookin' for her roommate.
Instead I get attacked by some jamoke with pink rubber gloves and a bad Sinatra cut.
Let's backtrack a little bit. How did you gain access to her apartment?
- I used keys. - Whose keys?
- Her keys. - Without any permission.
She's dead, remember?
What do you want from me?
I just want the truth.
No, you just want someone to hang.
Richard. M-May l call you Richard?
I know guys like you don't like guys like me, a-and that's fine.
But let me suggest you drop the attitude.
Okay? Because if you take a look around,
you'll see I'm the only guy here tryin' to help you.
Just... work with me.
Look, here's my card.
If you think of anything else,
you beep me, day or night.
- Okay? - Okay.
Oh, oh, uh-- One more thing.
Uh, did anyone take any pictures or video or anything like that?
I can look, but l-- I don't think so. No.
Okay. All right.
- I'll be in touch. - All right.
- Get some rest. - I will.
Robocam with the cavity-cam. What's up, pretty lady?
- Be natural, all right? - I'm always natural.
Oh, God. Well, it's like you just feel free.
Like a bird. [ Giggles ]
I always think of that song "Free Bird."
- Do you know it? - [ Robocam ] Holy shit!
There was another plane.
[ Plane Engine Humming ]
[ Lock Rattling ]
All right, Slammo, who the hell are you?
Come on, man! What are you buzzing me for?
Because apparently, Ditch, you needed a tour guide to find your way here.
- What took you so long? - What I don't understand, lady,
is how you're still vertical. Why don't we start there, all right?
The woman you saw falling wasn't me.
It was a female body dressed in an orange jumpsuit.
The suits from your jump center were easy enough to copy.
Okay. Okay, I'm startin' to catch on, I think.
So you unhook while I'm up front checkin' for traffic, and then--
She jumps. She max-tracks into the blind spot behind your plane.
A body drops from the plane above you: mine.
You look out, see her falling. Or think you do.
Actually, I'm on my way landing a mile off.
Yeah, I was this close to puttin' it together.
Of course you were.
All right, so you've fooled a guy who can't get his sideburns even when he shaves.
- What about the coroner? - Terminal velocity.
How fast does an unstable body fall?
miles an hour?
- Y eah, about -- - Miles an hour.
Well, forget the dental records. Her teeth are Chicklets.
What about fingerprints? You could still l.D. her that way.
But they wouldn't, not if there was a simpler way.
Like all of us on the ground tellin' the cops who it was.
Let me ask you somethin'.
Who was the corpse?
I'll tell you on the plane. We have to leave now.
What do I look like here, a brain donor? The only place I'm goin' is the county sheriff.
- Think they'll believe you? - They will as soon as the coroner double-checks the fingerprints.
They got somebody on ice, right?
- Late again, Ditch. - What do you mean?
Funeral director claimed the body for cremation this morning.
- What funeral director? - Ditch, meet Lex.
I don't think you really understand what's happening here.
I got some D.A. talkin' about manslaughter charges.
I'm not surprised, with a safety record like yours.
What was it, violations just last month?
What kind of prison term was he talkin'? Five years? Six?
If they prove negligence, there'll be two or three more years.
- That's right. - You've been workin' me from the start, haven't you?
Look, Ditch, you have a right to feel used and deceived, because you were.
But if you come with me now, I'll set the record straight.
I will hand you physical proof that I'm still alive. I promise.
You just have to do one thing for me first.
Wh-Wh-What do l--
I'm going, Ditch. You're in or out.
[ Sighs ] I don't believe this.
Up you go.
[ Chris ] Put these on.
Let me see if I've got this straight.
You dumped your own roommate out of a plane, and she was already dead?
- It served a cause. - Aw, lady, that's cold.
Well, they would have murdered me too unless I killed myself first.
I just had to buy some time.
- We're gettin' close. - I just want you to know...
that the idea of following you out that door again makes me very uncomfortable.
Are you afraid of a night jump?
- Hey, I invented the night jump. - What are you afraid of then?
- Who says I'm afraid of anything? - You're shaking.
The whole plane is shaking.
Not that your orientation wasn't thorough or anything,
but do you mind tellin' me what the hell we're doing?
- I'll tell you on the way down. - Beautiful.
- [ Chris ] Can you hear me? - Hello.
Is this Suzie, my Time-Life operator? Hey, what is this? That aerospace plant out by--
- You should speak only when asked a direct question. - What are we doin' here?
[ Chris ] We're here to retrieve vital information. Do you see the north rooftop?
- [ Ditch ] Yeah, okay. Piece of cake. - Don't land there.
- [ Ditch ] Don't? - The roof has motion sensors.
See the red lights on the west end of the tower?
- Can you hit it dead center? - [ Ditch ] You kiddin' me? In these winds?
You there? Ditch? Ditch?
- [ Coughing ] - Ditch, are you there?
[ Coughing ]
Y eah, I'm here. Tell me you didn't send me down this shit chute on purpose.
Keep your voice down and make your way to the south side. There's a breaker board there.
- Okay. I'm here. - Throw switches and .
[ Chris ] You just cut the juice to the security fence.
You need to move upstairs and find door .
The one marked "Authorized Personnel."
- Should I be writin' all this down? - Just go!
A little close.
I'm here. . Authorized personnel only.
Use the key and go inside.
- What key? - The one in your hook-knife sleeve.
How do you know your way around this place so well?
[ Speaking Russian ] The money will be wired in the morning.
We'll fly the shipment out tomorrow night.
Put the full crew on standby.
Let's try not to mess it up. All right.
[ Chris ] Go to the closet. It should be on your right.
- Okay. I see it. - Open it.
Now... take the clothes off the hanger pole.
Don't need to. I see the safe. What's the combo?
Forget the safe. It's only there to distract idiots.
Now lift out the hanger pole and look inside.
You know those robots the bomb squad uses? That's what I am, isn't it? Huh?
Kerr, check this out.
That's the fence perimeter. Light it up!
Now replace the hanger pole, and leave everything exactly as you found it.
- [ Alarm Blowing ] - [ Chris ] Oh, no!
We might, uh, have a-- have a problem here.
I'm checkin' the perimeter.
If you can make it to the west door, you can make it out. Now move, move, move!
Look. It's him. He's goin' to the roof.
You stay here! Watch the exits.
Ditch, you're on your own.
He's going to jump!
[ Ditch Gasping ]
[ Ringing ]
- Hello. - [ Chris ] Do you still have the cylinder?
Y eah, I'm fine, thanks. Question:
Who were those goons tonight? Was that Russian they were speaking?
And don't tell me it was French, parce que je parle francais, honey.
- [ Chris ] Those men are Mafia. - Mafia. Please.
There's more than one kind of Mafia, Ditch. I'll be there in minutes.
I won't be. I'm headin' out to Sam's Surplus, Highway near the aqueduct.
Are you getting this? I'll bring the cylinder and a witness.
- You bring that pretty face and your attitude. - What are you doing, Ditch?
What am I doin'? Puttin' this mess in my rearview mirror.
[ Chris ] I told you I'd take care of your problem and I will, but it has to be done my way.
Highway . Sam's Surplus.
- Anything? - Not yet.
Forgive the skepticism on the phone--
No, I know how it sounds, believe me.
- You're certain this woman is the same woman that was in the plane with you. - Absolutely.
She said she's from the C.I.A.
C.I.A., l.R.S. Mafia, I don't know.
I just want you to see her face, see that she's come back from the dead, all right?
- This is incredible. - I know.
- Would you like a Certs? - No, thanks.
[ Crunching ]
I'm sorry. It's a nervous habit that I have.
Give me those.
Don't take them all.
[ Crunching ]
[ Crunching ]
[ Airplane Approaching ]
- She's coming in a plane. - Y es, she has a plane.
Now, uh, I think the smart thing to do here...
would be to get her away from the plane and make her come to us.
No, I think I should go to her.
- Fine. Go to her. I'll stay here. - Good.
Two men, one coming this way.
- Looks like your stooge. - [ Gun Cocking ]
- The cylinder's in my car. - Bring your car.
- My witness is back that away. - Bring him and the car.
He's a little jumpy. I think we should go to him.
I don't like this. Let me go instead.
Just keep an eye on me.
- What if things get out of hand? - I'll kill 'em.
- Let's go. - Great.
- Where's your witness? - Probably in his car power-locking the doors.
He's not used to all this cloak-and-dagger stuff.
- There's a rifle on us. Any attempt to detain me-- - Calm down.
The guy just wants to watch you breathe a couple of times, all right?
- What do you see, Lex? - Now, he said he would wait right here.
- Lex? - [ Static ]
What are you doing? Hey! Get back here!
Pinkwater! What is goin' on here?
[ Gasps ]
[ In Russian ] Welcome, Comrade.
[ Gasping ]
- Get down! Get down! - What, what, what?
They're not gonna damage my car, are they?
- Here, this is your gun. - My gun?
- Shoot! - [ Gunfire ]
- Ah, it's broken! - The safety's on, you idiot!
Jesus Christ! [ Shouting ]
[ Ditch ] No! No!
Ah! Jesus Christ!
[ Y elling ]
Whoa! Mother of God!
What's going on out here?
- Where's the cylinder? - Who started shooting? It scared off my D.A.!
- That's not a D.A. - Who the hell is he?
He's one of the killers!
- Give me the gun! - What are you doing?
- You said that was my gun! - Not anymore!
- That freakin' witch broke my nose! I want her dead! - No kidding.
You have five seconds to tell me where the cylinder is. One.
- You gotta be kidding me. - Two!
- Five! - What the hell happened to three?
Three got his balls blown off while you were counting!
Okay. Relax. The cylinder is in my...
[ Y elling ]
[ Screaming ]
How do you stop this thing?
[ Beeping ]
[ Ditch ] Come on!
- Ditch! - Oh, God!
What are we doin'? Covering our scent? I didn't see any dogs.
Why don't you tell me who you are for real?
What does it matter? We'll be dead in a few hours anyway.
Well, that's comforting. Hey! Woman!
- Excuse me? - K.G.B. for short.
- Oh, come on! It's the K.G. used-to-be. - Don't be naive.
So you're sayin' that, that you and, and,
and Lex and Pinkwater and Blondie are all Russian spies?
I'm saying we were. We've been laid off!
K.G.B. Iaid off. Auto workers get laid off!
I tell ya, one day this bitch is gonna run out of lives.
[ Chris ] Where'd you learn that?
Moscow. I was gonna go there once.
You have excellent pronunciation.
- How do you say "ass"? - Zhopa.
Well, no smoke up my zhopa, please.
So, when was this? Moscow.
Ancient history. ' Olympics.
- Well, America boycotted that year. - Y eah, rub my nose in it.
- You were on the team? - Gymnastics.
Trained for ten years. Qualified in two events.
All I wanted was a shot at that Russian gold.
Look at the haircut.
- Here. - No, keep it. I got more.
You were young then. God. Sixteen. Seventeen. Why didn't you try again in ' ?
I probably should've. I wasn't about to let my teeth get kicked in like that again.
[ Helicopter Approaching ]
[ Ditch ] This makes a lot of sense. Iight a fire when we're being chased.
[ Chris ] Don't worry. I know them. They never backtrack.
Right. Russian Mafia. Amazing.
What have we here?
- Want a slam? - Mm. No.
My real name is Krista Moldova.
That's very nice. It's very pretty.
Anything you wanna toast to, Krista Moldova?
You're Richard. Richard, right?
Yeah. I don't know. Somehow, uh,
Rich and then Dick got slammed up into Ditch.
[ Laughs ]
Richard is nice.
- How long you been away? - Oh, years.
I'll have some.
Y-You might wanna let that breathe... there.
They're all back there. Brother, father, mother.
And a little dog. Tambov.
Got hit by a car last I heard and lost a leg.
Aw, that's terrible.
- [ Sighs ] Poor puppy. - Poor puppy.
Only, it wouldn't be a puppy anymore.
Watch out for the--
- What was that? - You swallowed the worm.
Well, I was trained to swallow all sorts of things.
Careful. I may just have to marry you.
- What's that? - Just that normal male response.
No, I mean under your shirt.
Oh, that. That's, uh-- That's your metal thing.
You had it?
You had this the whole time?
The whole time I was talkin' about my family and you-- My poor little dog!
Y eah. I thought it was important.
American! Inconsiderate, uncultured--
You can't be serious. That is amazing.
What is that? A flight chart?
Y eah. For a plane that landed here last week.
With luck, it'll tell us where that plane still is.
- What's so special about this plane? - It's not the plane. It's--
- What's on board, right? - Right.
Last coordinate is Cochise County Airport. But it doesn't say where it's going next.
Once that plane takes off, it's gone forever. We have to get there.
That's an airplane graveyard. It's only five, six miles from here.
Great. If we run now, we'll be there in an hour. Come on!
Run? I haven't even stretched!
- Did you find her? - No, I didn't find her. There's not a sign of her!
Call Cartagena. Tell 'em we're comin' hours earlier.
No, no! That's crazy! She's not gonna go to the cops.
I say we get the hell outta here and deliver on schedule tomorrow night!
Don't underestimate her! You understand? She's smarter than you'll ever be!
Why don't you tell me what we're looking for. Maybe I can help.
- We're looking for a big plane. - These are big planes!
- A -C. - They picked a good place to hide it.
[ Ditch ] Hey! There isn't, like, any nuclear shit on this plane, is there?
Give me the flashlight.
- [ Ditch ] Well? - Y eah, this is it.
- [ Ditch ] Great. - [ Chris ] It's booby-trapped.
[ Beeping ]
Is that something dangerous?
[ Sniffing ]
It smells like old airline food in here.
[ Ditch ] Ahh! Oh! No! Genuine dead people!
- Now what? - What? A dead flight crew makes me very uncomfortable!
Level with me! Is this a nuclear thing? This is a nuclear thing, isn't it?
Look, you don't have to come any closer. In fact, you probably shouldn't.
- External genitalia are more susceptible. - What? Susceptible to what?
- Here. Cover yourself with this. - What is this?
- Use it as a testicular shield. - Oh, come on.
"Come on" what? I'm not joking.
Cover yourself. And stay here. Don't move.
Well. Look at this.
I told you to wait!
Don't worry. I got my coffee-tron dick defender.
I never said it was nuclear. You just assumed.
- My, my, my, my, my! - Put it back!
Do you mind? I spent ten years chasing Russian gold.
Maybe it's not a medal around my neck, but it still feels good.
Look, it's not mine, and it's certainly not yours. So put it back!
What? You don't think I've earned it these past few days?
I think this deserves an explanation.
This shipment was heading for the gold reserve in Moscow.
The K.G.B., the K.G. used-to-be,
hijacked the plane and flew it here.
It was Pinkwater's job to find a buyer...
and change the gold into hard currency-- cash.
There's about $ million here for--
- My God! Oh, shit! - Damn!
Come on! Let's go!
[ P.A. System ] Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen.
...certain safety features of our Boeing .
We have several emergency exits on either side of the aircraft.
I'm gonna check on the gold!
Your seat belt has been designed for easy fastening and release.
To fasten, insert the metal strip into the buckle.
To release, lift up on the metal flap on top of the buckle.
- Vlad, get up here! - Your cabin is being pressurized for your--
- Ah! - However, should there be a rapid change in pressure--
Let's go this way! Come on! Quick!
Vlad! Vlad, there's someone in the plane! Check the cockpit!
[ P.A. System ] Place the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth and secure--
[ Chris ] Pilot escape hatch.
[ P.A. ] If you are traveling with infants or small--
Please be sure to put your own--
And right now we just want you to sit back, relax and enjoy your flight.
We have to call the F.B.I.
- Do you have a phone? - Mm-hmm. Straight through that door in the lobby.
Do you have change for two dollars?
- We really don't give change, but-- - Thanks.
- Hi. - What can I get for you, young man?
- Some coffee, please. - Cream and sugar?
- Black. - Yes, sir. Comin' right up.
[ Old Man ] There you go.
Some special agent.
He said I had to drive all the way to Phoenix to file the report in person.
Wouldn't even send a goddamn field agent.
So, drive to Phoenix. What's the big deal?
Those men came to the plane for a reason, Ditch.
They're ready to move the gold. They have a buyer! We gotta go back there.
No. No, wrong. Wrong. I-I am not goin' back.
I'm not talking big heroics. All we have to do is get their flight information.
It'd mean lives, Ditch. Please.
You keep talkin' about all these lives we're supposed to be saving.
What about my life, huh?
It's been circling the drain for a few days now.
I'm out of business. I lost my car. The F.A.A. still thinks I let you die.
For somebody I never slept with, you sure fucked me pretty good.
Look. That gold was earmarked to buy basic necessities.
Do you even know what's happening in Russia? How close it is to collapse?
If the gold deal goes through, Pinkwater and his comrades use the money...
to finance a coup to take control!
And they're killers! Just like Stalin was!
And thousands of people will die! People like my family!
Y eah, people like your family.
I'm startin' to believe that maybe this whole family thing is a bunch of bullshit!
Maybe you're workin' for yourself, tryin' to scam your partners out of the gold.
I can't believe you're saying that.
As for that little dog with three legs-- Wh-What was his name? Tripod?
I didn't say anything at the time because, basically, I thought I was gonna get laid.
But couldn't you have come up with something a little stronger than a three-legged dog?
Oh, I see. You wanna believe it's a lie, don't you,
because then you don't have to do anything, right?
Pack the bags. We're goin' on a guilt trip.
Those men are gangsters.
In Russia, they're into arms, counterfeiting, contract kills!
That is Russia! Not here!
But once they're in power, it'll be the cold war all over again!
More missiles aimed at your country! Is that what you want, Ditch?
Don't wave that flag at me, because it's not gonna work.
Well, what does work on you, Ditch?
I haven't been able to figure that out.
What are you willing to stick your neck out for, huh?
I'd really like to know!
You're using me. Just like you used your roommate.
That's not fair.
But it's true, isn't it?
You never wanted to help me 'cause you didn't give a shit about me!
- Admit it! - Maybe not at first.
No. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
Give me my wallet back.
So I'm the bad guy, right?
What do you got for Desert City?
: Phoenix bus stops there. $ . .
[ Semi Driver ] Hey! What do you have, a death wish, buddy?
- Nice work, pal. - Hey. Cool, dude. Thanks.
- [ Horn Honking ] - [ Tires Screeching ]
Got one just like it.
[ Man ] Two more.
Keep it goin'.
You got it.
- What's your name? - Me? Chuck.
Brodie. F.A.A. I need you to call the county sheriff.
Tell him there's a cargo jet out there that just loaded up keys of black tar heroin.
They're gettin' ready to take off, so tell him to roll now!
Hey, you got any proof that, uh--
- What, you wanna see my l.D.? - Yeah!
- I'll show it to you at the hearing. - What hearing?
The one where we jerk your license for lettin' this happen right under your nose, Chuck!
- You spoke to Cartegena? - Of course. Just now.
- Everything's confirmed? - Yes. He said the sooner the better.
- What's with the car? - This is a Cadillac Allante. Northstar edition.
Double the horsepower. They don't make 'em anymore.
It's an American collectible classic.
Okay. Just put the ridiculous car on the plane and then leave me alone.
It gets noticed.
- What are you doing, Chuck? - I'm enterin' my calling card PlN.
- I'm on hold. - No time for that.
- Raise your right hand. - Wh-What for?
Federal emergency. Now repeat after me.
- I do hereby solemnly swear. - I do hereby solemnly swear.
I will honor, observe and obey...
all the applicable rules and regulations of the F.A.A.
all applicable rules and regulations of the F.A.A.
- E pluribus unum. - E pluribus unum.
Great. Okay, Deputy, you got a spare chute somewhere?
- Deputy? - Welcome aboard.
That lake, the one over the lndian reservation. What is it? San Carlos?
- How long 'til we're there? - Another ten minutes. Why?
- I have to throw out some garbage. - All right.
- [ Ditch ] Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! - [ Engine Rumbling ]
[ Pilot ] I can't stop!
Lower! Slower! Lower! Lower!
What the hell you doin'?
I'm gonna crawl out onto the wing!
When I get stable, I'm gonna give you a signal!
I want you to flip this plane over!
Then I'm gonna hang by my legs!
So when you flip back over, I'm sittin' on the other wing!
That way, when you maneuver up to the other plane,
I'm in a better position to grab on! You got it?
Are you outta your mind?
Y es. Y es, I am!
Steady! Steady, okay?
I'm ready! Go!
All right, Chuck! Now!
[ Screams ]
- Hey! Watch the paint job! - Shut up!
I made you. I found you and I trained you,
and you turn around and you use it against me!
There's no need for you to die here today.
Look at me. You are one of us.
All you have to do is tell me the names of the people you told.
And tell me about this Ditch Brodie.
You can have this money. Some of it is yours.
Hey! Hey! We got company! Get up here!
Put her in the trunk! Oh!
- In the trunk! Come on. Come on! - Get-- Get in there!
- What is it? - [ Pilot ] It's a biplane.
[ Grunting ] Shit!
Get outta my car!
[ Y ells ]
[ Y elling, lndistinct ]
Give me your parachute!
[ Y ells, lndistinct ]
Don't worry! Come on!
[ Ditch ] We finally got that tandem jump in!
We're losin' hydraulic power! I'm goin' backup.
Where ya goin'?
Woman, are you outta your mind?
- Let it go. Let it go! - What?
I'm gonna take a nap.
Wake me when you're done savin' the world, will ya?
You'd make a great K.G.B. agent.
You're really courageous. And you're really cute.
Krista, you've done very well. But then again,
you always were my favorite.
Hey, Ditch, look.
It's for you.
Krista was more of a man than you could ever be.
Krista was more of a man than you could ever be.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna get you outta here.
Hey, Jo. Robocam.
Guess what I got.
Check it out. Postcard from Ditch.
- No! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. - Really.
Come on, Jolleen, read it.
- Ha-ha! He made it! - Hey, you guys, a postcard from Ditch.
- Postcard from Ditch. - He made it, guys.
Mr. Richard Brodie.
Mr. Richard Brodie. Come.
It's the first time we have presented this medal to a foreigner.
I do so with great pleasure.
My, my, my, my, my.
Buses here don't work. I am an asshole.
I think he made one jump too many.
Thank you. Very cool.
You look good in Russian gold.
Hello. How are ya? Hi, Mama. How are ya?
Uh, hey! Papa! Get that hand. Good to see ya. Yes.
[ Dog Barking ]
Hey-hey! I don't believe it! Yes! Tripod?