Voila! Finally, the That Touch Of Mink
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Cary Grant and Doris
Day movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of That Touch Of Mink. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Well, Miss Timberlake, back again
for a little of the taxpayers' money, hmm?
- So did you work last week?
- Are you available for work?
- Did you turn down any jobs?
- Are you busy tonight?
If, in our opinion,
the applicant hasn't exercised
proper diligence in seeking employment,
we can withhold payment of cheques.
Perhaps tomorrow night?
There's a wonderful little diner
round the corner from where I live
and after dinner we could, uh, well...
- Go up to your apartment?
- Well, I, uh...
- If you want me to go up to your apartment
come out and ask. That way I can
think about it and make a decision.
Would you like to stop off at my place?
- May I have my cheque?
- Oh. Of course.
I would enjoy going out with you,
if I didn't find you so personally distasteful.
You're a sneaky, crude, offensive man.
That's just how I feel.
I'm sure there are hundreds of girls
who admire those qualities.
I circled the entire area, sir.
- There's no sign of her.
- Darn. Thank you, Collins.
Hit and run's a dangerous sport, Mr Shayne,
even for the privileged class.
Even if this victim survives,
what can she do? Sue you?
With your money, you can run down half
the girls in New York and still be solvent.
We hit a puddle, splashed the girl.
Would you have me stop, tie up the traffic,
crawl through the rain
and beg forgiveness?
A decent gesture like that
would never occur to you.
So I'll set up a foundation
for waterlogged girls.
Isn't it a little early for cocktails?
I'm perfectly aware of what I'm doing.
- I have an analyst. Dr Gruber.
- I know.
A distinguished analyst. I know exactly
what started me drinking at this hour.
- Dr Gruber, he's a lush.
Seven years of treating you could do it.
- Look out.
- He's a brilliant man. Brilliant.
He put his finger right on my problem -
my lack of integrity.
You were a humble but respected
professor of economics at Princeton.
Students sat at my feet
absorbing my wisdom.
The lvy League Socrates.
Then you came along
dangling $ a year under my nose
and, to my everlasting shame, I sold out.
And every year you further humiliate me
by raising my salary.
Like rubbing salt in the wounds.
And at Christmas
you gave me stock in the company.
- Why are you trying to destroy me?
- Just my natural hostility.
Benson's attorneys say he still won't sell.
Roger, you researched that company.
What's it worth?
General Electronics? Six million.
Offer six and a quarter,
tell him it's top dollar.
Roger, if that deal goes through,
you're in for a bonus.
- Haven't you any conscience?
Just when I'm reaching a point where I'll
have the courage to go back to Princeton.
- Would it help if I fired you?
Dr Gruber said this would be
the worst time for that.
- I owe him quite a bit of money.
Wait a minute. Yes?
- 'Mrs Haskell and Mrs Farnum are here.'
- I'll see them in a moment.
- There she is!
- That girl I splashed.
Just went into the automat.
Roger, go and apologise for me.
She's a blonde in a raincoat
with a leather collar.
This is in case I damaged her clothes.
I'm a highly paid executive,
not a messenger boy.
OK, I'll go.
You hired me as your financial adviser.
Wouldn't send Bernard Baruch out
to pay off a girl for you.
Oh, yes, you would.
- Where are you?
- In the cucumbers.
That's the first smiling face today.
I only get hungry ones.
What'll it be? Chicken pie or turkey leg?
How'd it go today? Any luck?
All bad. Some idiot splashed me
with his car, practically ruined my dress.
You should see me. He never even stopped.
- Then I had to face Beasley.
- What a parlay!
How is the playboy
of the th Avenue unemployment office?
He asked me to his apartment.
I told him what I thought of him.
- Au gratin or baked potato?
He's not worth the trouble.
Does a snake know he's a snake?
He crawls on his stomach
and thinks he's a king.
Right. You know, you're a philosopher.
When a girl of my age still isn't married,
you either philosophise or get arrested.
- Carrots or peas?
Cathy, your problem is how to keep
your honour AND your job.
Men see you and suddenly their wives
just don't understand them.
I've never done anything to encourage them.
You don't have to, nature did it for you.
Now, there are just so many jobs for girls
who can operate computing machines.
The next job you get, you'll listen to me.
You don't comb your hair, no make-up,
wear military heels,
you remind them of their wives.
They figure this they can get at home
so they leave you alone.
Have some cake, it might make your
skin break out. See you later, honey.
OK. Hey, I have an interview after lunch
- so I'll call you when it's over.
- Good luck.
Are you familiar with company policy
on giving away free food?
No, sir. Are we for it or against it?
That will cost you
one dollar and twelve cents.
However, I might be willing
to overlook the incident
if you, uh, introduce me to your friend.
- How is Mrs Miller?
- She doesn't understand me.
I could've made book on that answer.
were you struck by a car this morning?
- Splattered by a limousine?
Oh. Yes, I certainly was.
The gentleman who owns the car
has offices across the street.
He saw you from his window
and sent me to convey his regrets.
I should think a gentleman
would apologise himself.
- Well, Mr Shayne's a very busy man.
- Oh, really?
Is that why he didn't stop?
That's leaving the scene of an accident.
If there was any damage done...
My raincoat was practically ruined.
And look at this dress.
I've been authorised to compensate you
for any damage done.
- Well, you just tell Mr...
...Shayne, that money
does not buy good manners.
I wish I could tell him that myself.
- Do you? Really?
- I certainly do.
How would you feel?
Here I am, he practically runs me down
and then drives right away!
And doesn't have the decency
to apologise himself.
Furthermore I have a job interview
and have to go like this.
- He doesn't care.
- You know what I'd like to do?
- Throw the money in his face?
I'd like to throw that money right in his face.
- Would you?
- Yes, I would.
I've waited seven years for this moment.
You come with me.
there's a man dragging Cathy out.
Gee. They don't even
give her a chance to eat.
She's gonna spend the rest of her life
saying, "I'm not that kind of a girl."
I'm only afraid that some day,
before she can finish saying it, she will be.
There you are.
The Manhattan Home for Young Women
thanks you for your generous donation
and for permitting us to use your name
- in our fundraising drive.
- Well, it's a worthy cause.
There's a great need to provide
an atmosphere of care and understanding
during this critical period.
You'd be shocked
that the rate of unwed mothers...
Charlotte, we don't
call them unwed mothers.
...that the rate of unfortunate girls
has tripled in five years.
- It's a deplorable situation.
- Yes, yes.
There's one consolation, Mrs Farnum -
for every unwed mother,
there's an unwed father.
I never thought of it that way.
Well, thank you again, Mr Shayne.
- Goodbye, Mr Shayne.
Wasn't it sweet of him
to contribute so generously?
Mr Shayne doesn't deny he's responsible
for what happened to me?
- The least he could've done
was come to see me himself instead
of sending someone over with money.
Some men have no sense
of moral obligation.
Same thing happened to my friend Connie.
He never even told her his name.
No. Have a seat.
I'll tell him you're here.
My dear, when the time comes,
call this number.
Psst! Miss Timberlake.
No wonder he donated so generously.
Now, Evelyn, we must be realistic.
When a man donates $
he's entitled to use the facilities.
He's in there, he'll be right out.
Don't forget what you're gonna say -
leaving the scene of an accident,
bad manners, then the money in the face!
There are few other things I'd do
if I weren't a lady.
This is no time to think of sex. Now, go!
Mr Shayne, Miss Timberlake.
Go get him.
Miss Timberlake has something to say.
I- I'd like to apologise
uh, for getting in your way this morning.
- It was entirely my fault.
- I was practically jaywalking.
- You had a perfect right to be on the kerb.
- I was leaning over.
I'm sorry I couldn't stop. My driver circled
the block but when we got back you'd gone.
- Leaving the scene of an accident.
I don't know why I left.
I must have gotten panicky.
Him, not you!
Roger, don't you have a letter
to get off to Princeton?
I should've come down to the restaurant
to apologise but I had some people here.
Knowing how busy you are, I'm surprised
you found time to send anyone.
If I've damaged anything in any way...
Oh, not really.
Water's good for raincoats,
and there's just a few spots on my dress.
- I'll be glad to pay for a new dress.
- No, thank you.
I was going on an interview,
it wasn't important.
You can't go on an interview like that.
Come with me.
- 'Yes, Mr Shayne? '
- Send up the valet.
You can have your things back
in minutes. You can change in there.
There's a bathroom on your right and in that
closet there's a topcoat you can wear.
Well, go on, do as I tell you.
- Connie, it's for you.
- Oh. Thanks.
- Where'd you go?
- Across the street in Mr Shayne's office.
- What about your lunch?
- Once I get my dress back.
What floor are you on?
Millie, get the cleaver!
Honey, we'll be right over.
Connie, I'm all right. He sent my dress out
to have it cleaned.
See you later.
Sent it out to have it cleaned?
I have heard of sneaky ways
to undress a girl but...
Isn't that the man
who took Cathy out of here?
Let me see.
That's the one.
The tractor division should show
an increase in earnings.
Fine. Now we're back
to General Electronics.
Still no breakthrough.
- Ooh, I'm sorry.
- Wait a minute, whoa.
- Come on in.
- Mr Shayne, I thought you were alone.
Um, it didn't come back yet
and I have an appointment.
All right, I'll check on it.
Wait a minute.
Gentlemen, this is Miss Timberlake.
- How do you do?
- Come on in.
- Oh, I didn't want to interrupt.
- You're not interrupting.
Miss Timberlake, we need to know
why a man won't sell a company
when we've offered him
more than it's worth. Go ahead.
Well, we've tried everyone.
We talked to Benson's lawyers,
his directors and his executive assistant.
Now, who else is there to talk to?
There, you see.
- Have you talked to Mr Benson?
- Have you talked to Mr Benson?
No, they haven't talked to Mr Benson.
Well, the same thing happened
to my Aunt Rachel.
Um, this man she knows in the next town
kept sending her letters proposing to her,
and she just kept turning him down.
Now, she wanted to get married but
she felt that he should've asked in person.
There, you see, gentlemen.
Perhaps Mr Benson is eager to become
a bride but has never been asked.
How would your Aunt Rachel have felt
about a phone call?
Oh, no. She wouldn't say yes
till he came to the house.
They have eight children now.
Well, that couldn't have happened
over the phone.
how would you like to go for a ride with me?
What are you doing in Baltimore?
I'm here with Mr Shayne. We...
Well, of course I've got my clothes on.
Connie, we flew here in his private plane.
Gosh, you should see it,
it's completely furnished. Even has a bar.
Honey, this time
you've run into a shrewd one.
Once he gets you up there, you can't argue.
It's hit the silk or else.
Connie, he's here to buy a company and
he brought me along as a good luck charm.
I'll call you back. Bye.
- What happened?
- Well, Aunt Rachel said yes.
- And I owe it all to you.
I'm glad I almost ran you down today.
I am too.
Let's go and toast that puddle
that brought us together.
- Do you care for Italian food?
- Oh, I love it.
Good, I know a little place,
if you like fettucine?
- Er, yes.
- This is the only place to have it.
Cathy? Where are you?
- In Philadelphia.
- 'What are you doing there? '
It's the only place to have fettucine.
I should've thought of that. I thought he took
you there to buy you the Liberty Bell.
Get off that merry-go-round. He's just
another Beasley with a flying bedroom.
Oh, Connie, he's not like anyone.
You've never met a man like this.
That's the problem, neither have you.
- I have so much to tell you when I get back.
- 'If you get back.'
We're leaving, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
- Well, did you get your roommate?
- Yes. She said to be sure and say hello.
You'll have to pay the piper for dinner by
sitting through a report I'm due to deliver.
I don't mind.
How do you feel about untapped natural
resources of underdeveloped countries?
I think they ought to be tapped.
Hmm. You've condensed
a -minute speech into one sentence.
The wealth of a nation
is in the wellbeing of its people,
both spiritually and materialistically.
It's not a question of lowering our standards
but of helping others to raise theirs.
If all people everywhere could be content
and their living standards even
and compatible with ours,
there would be no envy in the world
and, therefore, less provocation of war.
When you encourage and help people
to develop their own natural resources,
you do more than put bread in their mouths,
you put dignity in their hearts.
Even the Russians are applauding.
- Isn't he magnificent?
- His car nearly ran me down this morning.
- What a delightful way to go.
Now we've discussed
the world's natural resources,
let's explore some of our own.
Miss Timberlake, New York's a wonderful
city, what would you like to do with it?
I don't know.
I've never been offered a city before.
That doesn't speak well
for the boys back home.
It's really not their fault. "Miss Timberlake,
I offer you Upper Sandusky."
- You see?
- It doesn't have the same ring.
What is a pretty girl offered
in Upper Sandusky?
I went to a lot of baseball games.
A friend of mine has a box
behind the third base dugout.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Cougars won the pennant in ' .
If you like baseball we've got a local team.
Oh, the Yankees. Oh.
The Cougars they are not but they try hard.
Strike? Hey, ump! Shake your head,
your eyeballs are stuck!
It was a ball! It was that far from the plate.
Little lady, will you let me umpire this game?
You've been on my back all night.
- Mickey, you saw that pitch. It was a ball.
- It looked like it.
You're out of the game, Mantle.
What? Roger, how'd that pitch look?
- It could've missed the corner.
- You're out, Maris.
- It's a perfect strike, the ump was right.
I don't like sarcasm, Berra.
You're out of the game too!
You can't do that!
- Where's the manager?
- I think he's hiding.
I didn't mean to get
all those men thrown out.
It proved they could win
without their starting line-up.
I always get that way at ball games.
I lose control.
Well, it's over now, we won.
I know just the place
where you could calm down.
- My apartment.
It's not ready for a housewarming
but how do you like it?
- It's beautiful up here.
- I might put in some walls over there.
And perhaps a ceiling,
just to give it that traditional touch.
That would be nice.
The, er, the living room will be there,
and the bedroom there.
I think the bedroom should be there.
Wherever you say.
And I love fireplaces.
There'll be one in every room.
And bookcases, I like books everywhere.
- And good reading lamps.
- That's the idea.
- Plenty of paintings.
- Mmm. And a built-in oven.
- And a sunken bathtub.
- Oh, I love taking sunken baths.
You'd always find me in it.
I didn't mean it that way, I...
I know you didn't.
But let's not abandon the idea.
I've got to go to Bermuda for a few days.
How would you like to join me there?
Then we could go on to Paris.
- Have you ever been to Paris?
That's the best way to see it,
for the first time.
I know a restaurant in Paris where you can
get some marvellous French food.
Then we'll go to Monte Carlo,
where I can get a friend to take us
for a cruise around the Greek islands.
That's the only way to see them -
slowly, by boat.
They're like fine paintings -
you mustn't rush up to them.
We'll continue around the world, get back,
and this building will be finished.
If you don't like this apartment
you can have one of the others.
- May I ask one question?
- Go on.
Did you just ask me to marry you?
- I didn't mean to mislead you.
Oh, you didn't.
You're very honest and I admire you for that.
- Then you're not offended.
Well, then what is it?
I'm a little frightened of you.
Oh, I know many people
who can't stand me.
I can stand you all right.
Now, Cathy, if this presents a problem...
You know, Mr Shayne, I feel I can trust you.
What would you advise me to do?
Oh, please, I'm hardly in a position
to give advice.
But I respect your opinion.
That's like asking a man
to testify against himself.
Cathy, you have rare qualities.
You're direct, sincere, uncomplicated,
the type of woman who brings out
the worst in a man - his conscience.
Oh, I didn't mean
to make you uncomfortable.
It's rather disturbing.
See, a man's conscience is generally
in direct opposition to his best interests.
And, in your best interests,
I'd better disqualify myself.
So this has to be your decision.
There's only one decision.
Get a lawyer, blackmail him, get a potful of
money and go to Bermuda without him.
You're condemning him
without even knowing him. You really are.
You should've heard
him speak to the United Nations.
Khrushchev spoke there too!
Would I let you go to Bermuda with him?
Connie, how can you compare them?
All I know is this, he did not try to lure me
to Bermuda or anywhere else.
He was completely honest,
a perfect gentleman.
A man meets you and in the same day
asks you to live with him?
I met a guy with a diamond stick pin
and a waxed moustache
and even he waited until the second date.
If he's a perfect gentleman,
waxed moustache is Albert Schweitzer.
OK, answer me this - why didn't he try to
influence me when I asked for his advice?
Because that's the way he operates.
Some guys ride the subways pinching girls,
he works out of a limousine.
But a pincher is a pincher.
Connie, I don't wanna hear
another word against him.
OK, if that's the way you feel about it.
in Mr Shayne's office gave it to me.
Boy, has this guy got an organisation.
He even has a medical plan for his victims!
Not another word.
- Hmm? Huh?
I think I'm in love.
Try to get some sleep, honey,
you'll feel better in the morning.
- You sleeping?
It's four o'clock.
Why would I be sleeping?
I've made a decision.
I'm not gonna go with him.
It's for the best.
When he calls, how do I tell him no
without hurting his feelings?
Call this number,
you'll get some good suggestions.
I wonder what shade of hair
I ought to wear this week.
I didn't do too well as a blonde.
Raven. That wasn't bad.
I got whistled at by a bird.
Grey. Maybe they'll feel sorry for me.
Look, if you don't know how to tell him,
when he calls I'll talk to him.
I'll talk to him.
But I just want to say it in a way that he won't
think it any personal reflection on him.
You're worried about him?
Oh, boy, men really have this game beat.
For years we have had their children,
washed their clothes, cooked their meals
and cleaned their houses.
What do they give us in return?
The right to smoke in public.
We sold out for a cigarette.
And you don't even smoke.
Good morning, good morning!
- It's a great day out.
- You're very happy, Roger.
Check that with Dr Gruber,
it might be serious.
I had a wonderful night's rest.
I've solved the trouble I have sleeping.
Just before you go to bed, put three
tranquillisers in a jigger of brandy.
You still can't sleep
but you're so relaxed you don't care.
Fancy that. People who sleep
don't know what they're missing.
Here's your chance to analyse
the Harrington report.
- 'Yes, Mr Shayne? '
- Did you call Miss Timberlake yet?
- 'No, sir.'
- Cancel it.
- Miss Timberlake?
- Yeah, the young lady from the automat.
- What happened with her?
I've been wrestling
with my conscience all morning.
- And I lost.
- That's an upset.
Her mother's a teacher,
father's a druggist,
brother's an eagle scout
and she sang in the church choir.
To take her to Bermuda is a desecration
of everything the Minutemen fought for.
- You asked her to go away with you?
- But you're not gonna take her.
What a terrible thing to do to me.
- To you?
- I've built this image of a man,
cold, ruthless, predatory,
now you go do a decent thing like this
to destroy that image.
You've set me back years in my analysis.
Oh, I'm ashamed of myself.
Well, Roger, if I've done anything human,
I'll make it up to you.
Would it help if I fired
every employee over ?
Hey, wait a minute, take the wrapper off.
It's better that way.
: . He said he'd call
first thing in the morning.
Well, now you don't have to worry
about not hurting his feelings.
At least he should give me the courtesy
of hurting his feelings.
A man picks you up off the street,
takes you to his office,
makes you take your clothes off
and propositions you.
- What can you expect from a man like that?
On that note of logic, I'll go to work.
He should've had the decency to call
and get my answer.
Well, I'm not paying for you just to sit there.
Do something! Ring!
Yes, I'll talk to her. Hello, Cathy.
Weren't you supposed to call this morning?
I'm sorry, I didn't think I should
under the circumstances.
Cathy, I came to a decision.
I thought I was supposed
to make this decision.
Yes, but considering the situation.
Well, I'm sure Upper Sandusky
is a delightful town
but it hardly prepares a girl
for this kind of situation.
I can see you don't know the girls
in Upper Sandusky.
- They're always prepared.
- I'm sure they are.
We're not unsophisticated rustics.
I'm not attacking you culturally. I'm sure
you have fine libraries and museums.
We also have a home for girls.
We may not be as large as New York
but we're just as progressive.
Last year we had a scandal
at the country club...
- I'm sure it's a zippy little community.
- Things are hoppin' up there!
I apologise. I should have called you
and given you the opportunity of saying no.
- You certainly should have.
- And I respect that decision.
- What decision?
- Not to go.
I hate to disappoint you, Mr Shayne,
but the answer is yes!
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure!
- Unless you're thinking of backing...
I just suddenly see Upper Sandusky
in a new light.
- Will I be hearing from you?
- As soon as I make the arrangements.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for calling.
Well, you heard. I tried to talk her out of it.
No, I brought her to throw money in your
face. I delivered the sparrow to the hawk.
The sparrow's flying south. She'll need
clothes so make the arrangements.
No. I will not dress the victim for sacrifice.
Bergdorf Goodman have a new line
of sacrificial evening gowns.
I have waited years to tell you
what you can do with your job,
your salary, bonuses and fringe benefits.
- Yes, Roger?
- I've waited this long.
- And I can wait a little longer.
- Good. Wait over there, do it quietly.
So he insulted Upper Sandusky,
this is no way to get even.
You're carrying civic pride too far.
OK, if your mind's made up, fine.
Well, he did it.
Rasputin talked her into it.
- Miss Timberlake?
They're waiting for you
at Bergdorf Goodman.
- Who are you?
- Leonard. I'm assigned as coordinator.
Oh? What do you coordinate?
Thank you very much.
Oh, Connie, please stop crying.
I'm only going around the world.
Oh, Cathy, you look so beautiful.
Just like a bride.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Oh, Connie, I'm all right, really I am.
What can happen to me?
Oh, Connie, please, stop.
I'm all right now.
Oh, Cathy, have a good trip.
Oh, I will. I'll write to you
as soon as I get to Bermuda.
Oh, Cathy, you look lovely in that coat.
You mother would be so proud of you...
Oh, I'm so sorry!
When she said she'd throw that money
in his face she became a symbol of hope.
Look at her.
It's like watching Joan of Arc
on her way to the fire.
'Good morning, welcome aboard flight .
'This is your pilot, Captain Miller.
Your copilot is Captain Saunders.
'We will be cruising at feet
at an average speed of miles an hour.
'We hope you will have a pleasant trip.'
- Are you comfortable, Miss Timberlake?
- Yes, thank you.
Is this the off season for Bermuda.
No, we're booked solid.
Mr Shayne bought every seat.
Oh! It's all right.
Cathy, you're too much.
Here, let me take this.
Mr Shayne, everything was so expensive.
I told Leonard not to spend so much
but he insisted.
- Who's Leonard?
- He works for you.
- Oh, he does?
- He coordinated me.
You know, he sort of put me together.
Well, no reflection on Leonard
but he merely put a frame on a Renoir.
Here's your key, Mr Shayne.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
Don't move, don't go away.
Nowhere else in the world can you see
beaches with pink sand.
Pirate ships used to anchor in that cove.
Only pirates from the best families,
naturally. The others couldn't afford it.
There's the kitchen
in case you get hungry in the night.
Oh, no. Once I get in bed I'm through.
I sleep like a rock.
I wish I had that faculty.
Takes me hours to get to sleep.
Have you tried hot milk and butter?
No, I'm not that anxious to sleep.
I want you to look at something.
Have you ever seen anything like that?
It means so much more
when you can share it with someone.
How long will it take you to get ready?
- For what?
- A swim.
Shall we go to the pool? Can you swim?
Oh, swim! That I can do.
If you'd like to change,
I'll wait on the balcony.
No. A gentleman always allows
the lady to undress first.
'Everybody knows! '
I want to thank you for a wonderful day.
- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- Will I see you tomorrow?
I imagine so.
Good. Good night.
I think I'm registered here.
Is there anything you'd like?
How about a late movie?
All the theatres are closed.
- We can watch one on television.
- There is no television.
What do people do here at night?
I mean, um, for entertainment.
I mean, um...
to... pass the time.
They make up games, Cathy.
Simple, fun games.
Come over here.
Cathy, this is a very special place to me.
I've never brought a girl here before.
You're not sorry you came, are you?
What are you doing?
I'm kissing you. Do you mind?
Not if you don't.
Well, relax. I'll keep you informed
of my every move.
You have a beautiful back.
My mother always made me sit up straight.
I'm grateful to your mother.
And such attractive shoulders.
Swimming was compulsory at high school.
I'm grateful to the public school system.
There's so much to be grateful for.
And so little time to be grateful.
Oh, I just remembered - I forgot
my toothbrush. I'd better go back for it.
I always carry a spare.
But it takes me months
to break in a new one.
The Hindus use twigs,
they break them off the trees. We'll try that.
- I'm going for a short walk.
- I'll go with you!
Stay here. Make yourself comfortable.
Philip! There's something
you should know about me.
I have an uncle who's a socialist.
I respect you for telling me
but what we have transcends all politics.
Er, my name's Harry Clark.
I just got married this afternoon.
How do you like married life?
I don't know yet.
I, er, came out for a smoke.
I thought I'd give Marie-Anne
some time to, er...
Well, what is a decent interval
for a fella to stay away?
How long have you been out here?
- Two hours.
- That's as decent as you can get.
Marie-Anne's kinda shy.
I mean, psychologically,
I want her to feel secure.
She sounds secure.
Well, awfully nice to have met you.
G- Good night.
Oh, good evening.
- Do we know each other?
- I'm Dr Richardson, the hotel physician.
- I wouldn't go in just yet.
- What happened?
- The lady called to ask if we'd any sedatives
and she sounded agitated so I came up.
- Is she all right?
- Nothing serious, just a case of nerves.
May I ask a personal question, Mr Shayne?
- Sure, go ahead.
- Is that Mrs Shayne in there?
That's strange, this reaction
is more common amongst married women.
- Is he back yet?
Don't let him come in!
I don't want him to see me like this.
All of a sudden I started breaking out.
I always get rashes when I'm nervous.
The ointment will take care of that.
Here, take this.
And get some sleep.
I'll stop by in the morning.
Thank you. Oh, Doctor!
Don't tell him about the rash.
- Tell him I had a stroke or something.
- I'll be discreet.
- How is she?
- Fine. Needs a good night's rest.
Had a case in last week,
Lovely girl, barricaded herself
in the bathroom.
Claimed her husband
was making advances toward her.
- The man should be horsewhipped.
- They're just not prepared.
We give them one semester
of home economics
and expect Madame DuBarry.
- Mr Shayne, I'm sorry.
- You couldn't help it.
But I don't want to ruin your evening.
You go out without me.
It wouldn't be the same.
Don't worry. We'll go back
to New York in the morning.
I know you've gone to great expense.
Plane, hotels, meals, tips...
If you add it all up,
I'll be glad to pay half of it.
We'll figure it out in the morning.
Now, you get a good night's sleep,
I'll be on the couch.
If you wake up and need anything,
just call me.
I won't wake up.
Once I get in bed, I'm through.
Yes, I know.
- Will you be all right on the couch?
If you have trouble falling asleep,
don't forget the hot milk and butter.
This may be the night for it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Oh, Mr Shayne!
- Yes, Cathy?
I just want you to know that, sick as I am,
this has been
the most wonderful day of my life.
I'll never forget it.
Neither will I.
Having trouble, too, huh?
Before you give them the mink coat
they all talk a big game.
Now the lady gets headaches,
she prefers to be alone.
- What did you do?
- I belted her.
How about you?
Right across the chops.
- We got a lot in common.
- We could pass for brothers.
Deal the cards.
- Watch it, I cheat.
- So do I.
And in view of its growth potential, I strongly
recommend purchase of said stock.
Send a copy to Mr Shayne,
Victoria Hotel, Bermuda.
- Yes, sir.
- Just a moment, Miss Jones.
I've been very curious about
something for years.
- Would you let your hair down?
Let your hair down.
Now take your glasses off.
Strange, always seems to work
in the movies.
- Miss Jones, do you see what I see?
It's a miracle. Joan of Arc put out the fire.
- Things went pretty badly?
- Pretty badly.
- It was a disaster?
- That's what I like about you,
no matter what calamity befalls others,
you can still laugh about it.
It's a victory for the little people. How often
does the sparrow down the hawk?
The baron of the boudoir
shot down over Bermuda.
- It had to happen sooner or later.
- I knew she was no ordinary woman.
- She proved that all right.
- Something about her,
purity, innocence, honour.
- All virtues that drive a man to drink.
- What a lift this is for me.
There'll be dancing in
Dr Gruber's office today.
Excuse me, sir. Miss Timberlake
asked me to return these things to you.
Thank you, Collins.
Why do that?
Why didn't she just keep them?
It upsets you, doesn't it?
The puppet master ran across a puppet who
won't perform and then cuts all his strings.
She's become a symbol of hope to
all of us who sold out for that touch of mink.
You give us good salaries,
paid vacations, insurance,
you take away our problems
and act like you've done us a favour.
Well, you haven't
and some day there'll be an uprising
and the masses will regain
the misery they're entitled to.
Neurotics of the world unite. You have
nothing to lose but your psychiatrist.
Roger, I flew miles
to a tropical paradise
to drink hot milk and butter.
I spent half the night playing gin rummy
with a bookie. Not a memorable evening.
If you don't leave now, I'll raise your salary.
You're sadistic enough to do that.
If Miss Timberlake is your hope,
you get together with her.
You, she and Dr Gruber
will make a lovely couple.
You go back home for a few days
and see your family, you'll feel better.
I don't want to feel better. I don't deserve it.
I was afraid of him.
I thought I wasn't good enough for him.
Afraid I'd disappoint him.
So? You weren't asking for
a letter of recommendation.
The minute he bolted that door I got panicky.
Of course. You're alone in a hotel room
with a strange man,
what would the average girl do?
Forget about the average girl, somebody as
sensitive as you are is bound to get nervous.
Nervous? I broke out in a rash.
I know, I know.
I had exactly the same experience once.
This fellow and I stopped off
at a roadside inn - never forget it.
Started shaking like a leaf,
broke out in boils.
He was so sick I had to drive him home.
It happens to everybody.
He was so understanding about it.
He didn't even get upset.
He just smiled.
It was so awful!
If only he'd got mad or yelled or hit me.
- Men are so inconsiderate.
- And all that money he spent on me,
he can't even deduct it, it's humiliating.
I'm not even important enough
to be a tax loss.
- Good morning, Roger.
- Morning, Doctor.
It's good to be home.
How are things in the investment world?
Any good tips?
A new stock issue, Consolidated Wire.
It's a great buy if you get in fast.
I still haven't heard from my mother, not that
it bothers me but it has been two days.
I know what's wrong, she's in a snit.
I forgot Grandpa's birthday.
She has a real problem with her father.
Let her analyst worry about that.
Doc, an exciting thing happened,
I think I'm about to make a breakthrough.
I made a great discovery,
Philip Shayne is just a man!
It took a woman to prove it.
There's this girl, let's call her...
Walter? Dr Gruber.
What's Consolidated Wire?
and a half.
Buy me... shares.
Yes, I got it from the usual source.
The way she stood up to him was inspiring.
I kept thinking what would I have done
if I were in her shoes.
Unemployed, no money.
This very wealthy man
sees me walking down the street,
he's terribly attracted to me.
Had me brought up to his office,
I have to admit he's quite charming.
After the usual preliminaries -
dinner and dancing -
- he invites me to Bermuda.
- Just like that?
This is a forceful man,
accustomed to getting his own way.
Get given a complete wardrobe,
including a mink coat,
flown to Bermuda, taken to the best suite,
this man offers everything.
Excitement, comfort, security.
Believe me, Doc, it's not easy
to turn down an offer like that.
No, it's not.
quite urgent has come up.
- Would you mind cutting the session short?
I want to see you in the morning.
We should examine this new development.
- Exciting, isn't it?
- Yes, that's...
quite a breakthrough you've made.
Walter, Dr Gruber.
Cancel that order for Consolidated Wire.
My informant has developed instabilities
which make his judgement questionable.
Tell me when you're coming back
and I'll meet you.
- I will. Better hurry, you'll be late for work.
- I know. Have a good trip. Bye.
Cathy! How did you miss the bus?
You were on it.
I've changed my mind.
- We can still catch it.
- I've got to go back there.
You are the husband, four children
and a cottage type, this isn't you.
You got lucky once,
it may not be a rash this time.
I can't let him think of me as I was last night.
I want him to remember me as a woman.
It's important to me,
I've got to prove to him I'm a woman.
There are easier ways to prove it.
Send him your birth certificate.
Mr Shayne, a long-distance phone call.
It came through from your office.
- Who is it? Do you know?
- No, sir.
All right. Thank you, Mario.
- Philip, this is Cathy.
'Guess where I am.'
Bermuda. At the hotel.
What are you doing there?
Waiting for you.
I already have plans for the evening.
I have a few things to catch up on.
You could be here in two hours.
And I have a board meeting early tomorrow.
Is that what you'd rather see
first thing in the morning?
That is something to think about.
And it's all just two hours away.
Er, just a minute.
Isabella, I have
a hypothetical question to ask you.
Darling, what would you do
if the situation were reversed?
I'm on my way.
Sorry to keep you this late
but just one more letter.
To the Dean of Economics Department,
Dear Arnold, after an absence of six years
I'm happy to announce I will soon be
returning to the academic world.
It is my intention to fill the void
created by my leaving...
- Oh, Collins.
- Yes, sir?
- Taking everything back?
- Oh, no, the airport.
Mr Shayne is flying to Bermuda.
He's meeting Miss Timberlake.
Thank you, Miss Jones.
We'll finish in the morning.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Dr Gruber? Roger. I hate to bother you
but something's come up.
- Remember what I told you this morning?
- It's happening again.
- 'A trip to Bermuda? '
You don't scare me.
- Good evening, Mr Shayne.
- Good evening.
See... no rash.
Well, that's something.
Cathy! Did you drink this whole bottle?
Beats hot milk and butter.
Come on, girl. Come on.
Come on, let's sit up.
There's a good girl. Sit up. That's right.
- Are you glad you came here?
- Delighted. Come on.
I bet you never expected
to hear from me again.
Oh, I had a premonition.
- Can you stand up?
- I'm a real woman, huh?
- Yeah, irresistible.
Now, try to walk.
That's the idea.
There you are, that's right.
Do you like the way I walk?
You're poetry in motion.
- I learned when I was a baby.
- I been walking for years.
- Have you been drinking?
- Not yet.
Right, come on.
There. Now, just stand there, don't move.
Are you nervous?
Now, take a breath of fresh air.
Come on, take a deep breath.
Is that good? Fine... Oop!
Now, just stand there. That's right.
I'll call down and get some coffee.
Room service, please. Hurry.
Hello, this is Philip Shayne.
Send up some hot coffee right away.
As much as you can carry.
I need a chaser for a fifth of Scotch. Yes, I...
Don't move! Lie there.
I fell out of Mr Shayne's suite.
See that I'm returned.
Luckily, the canopy broke her fall.
Nothing but a sprained wrist.
- Where's Mr Shayne?
- Wandered off. Seems to be in shock.
Can't say I blame him,
the girl's hysterical one evening
and plunges off his balcony the next.
Their relationship does
leave something to be desired.
- I thought you left this morning.
- I did. Flew back.
How's the little lady?
Got another headache. How's yours?
Got loaded. Fell off the balcony.
I'm glad I book horses.
Who can handicap women?
- Can't win.
- Why do we keep betting on them?
It's like Adam said about Eve -
"It's better than apples."
- Isn't it?
Deal the cards.
Thank you. Miss Jones, look!
The hawk has crashed again.
Call Dr Gruber. Cancel my appointment.
Tell him things worked out well in Bermuda.
You can't just sit there for
the rest of your life staring out the window.
Catherine, darling, look.
I've baked you a kugel. Eat.
You need strength to suffer.
Believe me, no man is worth it.
You'll see, you'll get a job, work for years
and then you'll get a pension,
who needs him?
Well, say something.
I just wanna die.
- Did you hear that? She wants to die.
- Maybe it'll make her feel better.
No, no. Don't call one.
We better wait. I had a traumatic experience
driving in the rain the other day.
- Anything serious?
- No, just left me a little puddle-shy.
Let me ask you a question.
If you saw a stray kitten,
helpless but very appealing,
and every time you tried to pet it
you got scratched, would you avoid it?
- Yet you can't leave it to starve,
you've got a moral obligation
to help it survive.
- What does this kitten do?
- Works a computing machine.
We own American Credit Card,
they use those machines.
Arrange for a job but keep my name out of it.
- How do we contact this kitten?
- With extreme caution.
Don't worry, you go to work.
I'll check and see that she's all right.
Boy, if I ever run across him again.
- Excuse me, could you tell me...
- With pleasure.
- What's wrong?
- It's him.
Don't ask, get Herman.
Herman, come here.
I was knocked down two flights of stairs
and attacked by a dog.
This has been the
most satisfying day of my life.
What started it?
When the cab crashed and
the women started hitting me, I found out.
They had nothing against me,
they thought they were hitting you.
Before I go to the hospital I wanted you
to see what people think of you.
And you deserved everything I got.
I wonder what I've done.
The whole world's on credit
and I'm going with a man who won't
get married till he can pay for it in cash.
I told him people charge everything -
hotels, department stores.
Some places won't even take money.
One of these days they'll even
charge funerals - die now, pay later.
Stanley's cousin's in town.
We could make it a foursome tonight.
Thanks, but I have to start billing
the New England area tomorrow.
I need to memorise these code numbers.
Well, that'll be more interesting
than Stanley's cousin.
- See you in the morning.
How do you like working here,
Fine, thank you. I just hope I do well.
And if you don't, who's going to fire you?
My friend works in personnel.
When the call came from Mr Shayne's
office to hire you it was like panicsville.
Have you ever seen
a herd of vice presidents stampede?
Mr Shayne recommended me for this job?
Recommended? Honey, you are in
for a labour-management relationship
Walter Reuther never dreamed of.
If you sneeze, they tear out
the air conditioning system.
Well, that's life.
I'm glad one of us girls made it.
You don't have to
feel sorry for me, Mr Shayne.
I'll get my own job. I don't need your help.
If I never work again,
at least I've done it on my own.
I'm not like these machines
where you push a button
and it does what you want it to do.
Push all you want,
you're not gonna push my buttons.
I'm not a robot, I'm people.
And I quit!
- Telephone, Mr Shayne.
- Thank you, Mario.
She did what to the machines?
I'll be right there.
This is how I found it
when the night watchman called me.
It's awful. Buffalo gone.
Hartford, Connecticut almost wiped out.
This man had breakfast
at a Howard Johnson drive-in,
he's being billed for $ .
Hm, it's that second cup of coffee
that gets you.
It'll take weeks to straighten out.
Do the best you can.
It's sabotage! She's an undercover agent
for the Diners Club.
No. No, I'm the one who placed
this atom bomb here.
I should have dropped her over the desert.
I've no one to blame but myself.
I felt sorry for this helpless kitten. Helpless?
She ought to be declared a disaster area.
- She's not the run-of-the-mill girl, is she?
- No. Even Darwin never figured on her.
The Four Horsemen
now have a riding companion.
There's War, Famine, Death,
Pestilence and Miss Timberlake.
Sir, this special delivery letter
just came for you.
- It's from her.
- Open it.
- I should put it in a tub of water.
- Go on, open it.
Calm down, I'm opening it.
"Enclosed is an itemised statement of
all expenses incurred by you on my behalf.
"This includes plane fare, hotel,
meals, tips and doctor's bills,
"which comes to a total of $ . .
"It is only an estimate.
If your figure differs, please let me know.
"Enclosed is money order
covering first payment."
- Three dollars?
- That's integrity.
"You will receive a money order
for a similar amount each week
"until the entire obligation is discharged.
"With best wishes for
your continued success, Cathy Timberlake."
What a future, three dollars a week for life.
- I think it's touching. She has character.
- She's a menace.
Roger, I'm a man who leads
an orderly life, you know that.
I close doors and tighten bottle tops.
Miss Timberlake is a bottle
wandering around with a loose top.
She can't hold a job,
she destroys everything she touches.
She should get married. Only a husband
is equipped for such a beating.
That's it. Roger, you have plenty of friends,
find her a husband.
A simple, dull, unimaginative man
who will smile tolerantly when he learns
she's misplaced the children.
Return it, mark it address unknown.
Dr Gruber? Roger.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
Not at all. I received your message.
Things worked out well in Bermuda?
There's been a fantastic development!
He's mentioned marriage.
And how do you feel about this?
Naturally, I'm delighted. He just left me
and I tell you this is the real thing.
Roger, I'll be away for a while.
I think I'd better go back to Vienna
for a refresher course.
He doesn't love me,
he just feels sorry for me.
Doesn't love you?
He compared you to the plague.
- What else could it be?
- He wants me to marry another man.
I drew up a list of eligible bachelors
and turned he them all down. Why?
This one had a low hairline
and this one graduated from Purdue.
- He even turned him down.
- Rock Hudson?
He said you'd have to live in California.
When he talks about a simple, dull,
unimaginative husband, he means himself.
He didn't say he was in love.
It's like having a baby,
the man is always the last one to know.
And how do we awaken him?
Not with a kiss but with a sledgehammer.
- But I'm going away with Beasley.
- It has to be a Beasley.
- If he's as repulsive as you say.
- How about running away with you?
- No, he'd admire your choice.
It has to be someone inferior.
To shatter Philip's ego you have go off
with the lowest human you can find.
That's Beasley. He's so low
when they bury him they'll have to dig up.
- Mr Beasley, please.
- We're doing this for Philip,
it's for his own good, and yours too.
He's a very nice man
and I'm the last one to admit it.
Even if it worked, it wouldn't be honest.
I'd be tricking him.
- It's a terrible way to get a man.
- Let's re-examine...
Stop pressing her.
You have now arrived at the crossroads
that every woman eventually arrives at,
you can either be an honest old maid
or a happy liar.
- 'Hello? '
This is Catherine Timberlake.
Well, hello there.
I've been thinking about you.
'I wonder if I could, er,
reconsider your invitation, Everett.'
I'm not one to hold grudges.
We could have a TV dinner
at my apartment.
Er, I've heard of this charming place
in, er Asbury Park.
That's a long drive.
What time do you have to be home?
it all depends.
- I'll borrow my brother-in-law's car.
- Pick me up at five.
And I'll be waiting... Everett.
Ooh! He's like a snake.
When he smiles, he rattles.
He'll pick you up at five
and at one minute past five
I'll drop the bombshell on Mr Shayne's lap.
- What if he doesn't follow us?
- We're dealing with a monumental ego.
You'll never get halfway to Asbury Park.
My brother-in-law's car is
being repaired but he let me have this.
On the way back we have to make
a delivery for him in Hoboken.
- You've got to follow her.
She's going away with another man.
She's lost her confidence with you.
OK, send her a box of confidence.
Don't you realise what will happen?
Nothing will happen, I speak as a veteran
of two Bermuda campaigns.
But she's in love with you.
- She has a fine way of showing it.
- She's afraid of you.
- What does that mean?
- She's not afraid of him.
She doesn't care what he thinks.
That's how it happens.
Get my clothes.
Get me a hairbrush, a comb,
get me everything.
- Where's my driver?
- He went out to eat, sir.
- Who sent him to eat?
- You did.
Asbury Park. Al's Motel.
This girl I've gotta see.
Go on, hurry.
- Who is this man?
- He's a clerk at the unemployment office.
How naive can she be?
What does she think
he's taking her there for? An aptitude test?
Haven't you ever seen a man dress before?
Give me my shirt.
Al's Motel! Sounds like a place
where you bring your own light bulbs.
- Why would she do that?
- He's a man and she's a woman.
That's the most dangerous combination
to turn loose in a motel.
Please, keep your eye on the road.
When I called for the reservation
I talked to the proprietor.
He said we could use the burner
in his kitchen to heat up the TV dinners.
We're having haddock.
Would you like a drink?
Oh, yes. That'd be fine. Let's stop for one.
No need to. I thought of everything.
Muscatel. For my lady's pleasure.
There's some paper cups
in the glove compartment.
Would you mind stopping at
the service station for a minute?
Oh, of course.
- Can't you go any faster?
- This cab's got miles on her.
Would you ask your grandmother
to run the high hurdles?
Why am I chasing her?
I should be grateful to the man.
Freud had a theory about that.
If he'd ever met this girl,
he'd have opened a delicatessen.
Freud's Famous Frankfurters.
Would you mind pulling into that station?
- That convertible ahead, catch up to it.
- I'm doing now.
I'll burn out a bearing.
Maybe they'll stop off for dinner.
When a girl's taken to a place called
Al's Motel, she better not count on dinner.
I told you she wouldn't make it. She's gone.
We'll see that she gets a decent burial.
Roger, give him a cheque.
First phone for another cab.
He'll be right back.
- Do you know Asbury Park?
- A place called Al's Motel?
bucks if you get me there.
Well, it's a little out of my way.
- Hop in the back.
- Right. In the...? Oh.
But there's the motel,
we'll be in in a few minutes.
You register and I'll meet you inside.
OK. But when you get back to New York,
you ought to have a checkup.
- This is it.
- Thank you.
A man spends an entire lifetime
trying to lead a civilised, dignified,
orderly existence and then he meets a girl,
five days later he's running round
New York in a bath towel,
riding in a truck filled with dead chickens,
tracking her down to
this beaverboard Taj Mahal.
And poets call it love.
No wonder they starve.
Oh, the nuts you pick up on the road.
- How do you do?
Did a couple just register here?
A blonde about so high?
Yeah! About ten minutes ago.
Mr and Mrs Smith.
- That's them.
- Are you a friend of the happy couple?
I gave the bride away.
- They're in the bridal suite. I'll ring them.
- No. Let me surprise them.
Oh. All right, where is she?
- Mrs Smith.
- She's in there, changing.
- Into what?
Now just a moment.
What she ever saw in you...
- Come out of there!
- What right have you got?
Every right. I least I took her to a hotel,
not a rabbit hutch.
- She went to a hotel with you?
- She collects hotel keys.
Are you coming out?
Congratulations, my friend.
You've got a great little girl there.
Who was that man?
You librarians live it up pretty good.
He didn't follow me and Beasley's
checking in. What shall I do?
Don't fall apart, keep your head.
Remember your girl scout training.
We never covered a situation like this.
Stall for time. Go to the ladies' room.
I already hit every gas station
between Newark and Asbury Park.
Oh, what made me think it would work?
Why should he follow me?
He doesn't love me.
Oh, Connie, if only he'd show up.
I'd fall on the ground and kiss his feet...
Oh, Mr Shayne.
What a pleasant surprise.
Erm, are you stopping at
the same motel we are?
Don't press your luck. Kiss his feet!
Did you drive up with anyone?
Yes, a plucked chicken.
Oh. Maybe the four of us
can get together later for a drink.
Oh, honey. You're blowing the whole thing.
- Hang up the phone.
- I will not.
Hang up that phone.
This is no time to argue.
Get married first, then fight.
My lover's waiting for me.
After we're married, I'll invite him over.
- We can't get married, I have problems.
- We'll work on them.
What kind of mother would I make?
If you fail, we can breed poodles.
I also lie. And I can't stand Beasley.
It was a trap to get you to follow me.
And don't forget the rashes.
Put your hands in.
Hey, come back!
I've already paid for the room!
Did a couple just check in?
Blonde woman about this high?
Yeah. Number .
But what was I to think when...
You believe I never cared for
another man till you walked into the library?
- Of course!
- I won't be long.
All right, where is she?
You're even more repulsive than she said.
No wonder she begged me to come.
It's me, Roger.
Mother! You were right about women.
Yes, Momma. I'll wait outside.
Come and get me.
Nothing serious, just another rash.
Quite common on honeymoons.
I would recommend
an uninterrupted night's sleep.
- Yes, darling?
- I'm so sorry.
You couldn't help it.
But it never happened before.
You've never been in
this situation before - married.
Hmm, that could be it.
- I just had a horrible thought.
You break out when we're not married, I do
when we are, we may never get together.
If that's what you think, you don't know
the girls in Upper Sandusky.
Roger, take care of the baby, will you?
I want to take a picture of Cathy.
Come along, dear.
- How was Vienna?
- I just got back.
I've been meaning to call you.
What happened with that friend of yours?
The wedding was last July.
- How did it work out?
- Take a look.