Three Men And A Baby Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Three Men And A Baby Script





"Bad Boy" by

The Miami Sound Machine



Bad boys, bad boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Bad, bad, bad, bad boys



You make me feel so good



Bad, bad, bad, bad boys



You make me feel so good



I knew you would



The way you hold me tight



You get me so excited



You do me oh, so right



My heart goes beep-beep



Beep-beep, beep-beep



Bad, bad, bad, bad boys



You make me feel so good



I want your bad,

bad, bad, bad boys



You make me feel so good



I knew you would



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



And when he drives me home



I feel safe at night



You call me on the phone



It goes ring, ring, ring,




Bad, bad, bad, bad boys



You make me feel so good



I want your bad,

bad, bad, bad boys



You make me feel so good



I knew you would



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Bad boys, bad boys



Boys will be boys



Good evening.



- Is it the penthouse?

- Yes, ma'am.



Welcome to another

edition of...



"Lifestyles of the

Average and Anxious."



We move about the apartment

of Peter Mitchell,



young architect about town.



It's his late   s,



or is it his early   s...



We'll never know...



birthday party.



Entranced by the

euphoria and ease...



these glamorous people exude!



I think I spy the

birthday boy himself!



How are you, old chum?



You're looking

so well, so well.



Over here is his

semi-main squeeze,



Rebecca Davidson.



The public wants to know...



what an attractive,

successful woman...



sees in a bozo

like my roommate.



Well, he's uh...

charming and he's sweet.



He's very thoughtful.



He's sort of boyishly

handsome, but...



he has got the most amazing...



Thank you, Rebecca!



You're welcome, Michael.



So Peter, tell me.



Are you and Rebecca

still exclusive?



Me and Rebecca?



We both see other people.






That's nice to know.






Hey, birthday boy.



Hi, Adam.



- Rebecca's looking sexier than ever.

- Yeah.



You two still together?



Yeah, for   years now.



- Tight.

- Tight as ever.



Good love



Good love



Good love



James! Whatever happened

to the "Young Rascals"?



- They old. Real old.

- Don't say that.



One of them's a senator now.



Oh, God, no!



Real old!



Can I talk to you a minute?



I'm not doing

commercials anymore.



No more talking T-bones,

or cowboys with heartburn.



I'm only doing

serious stuff now.









Angela... phew!



- You look different. What happened?

- I'm dressed.



That's it!



Gentlemen, I'm in love.



- You?

- Yeah.



In a generic sense.






So many women...



so little time.



So, Jack...



- What's up?

- You're not really going

to do this movie in Turkey?



Yes, I am.



I leave in a few short hours.



What is it?

"Zalmon the Beautician?"



"Zalmon the Barbarian."



What about the play in

Soho you wanted to do?



Excuse me.



You said it was

a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.



You want my inevitably

brilliant reviews,



or next month's rent?



Forget about next

month's rent. Do the play.



That's sweet of you.



You are a very decent man.



I'm a goddamn saint.



"Saint" is a bit much.



Hey, how's it going, baby?



Name's Johnny.

Give me five.



I mean, give me three, yeah.






I can't believe you

draw "Johnny Cool."



Coolest cat

in the world, right?



No one cooler, baby.



I can't believe it.

It makes me so happy.



What's wrong?



- David.

- The guy you broke up with?



The good looking one.



Incredibly good looking.



He used to read me

"Johnny Cool" every morning.



Hey, hey.

Poor baby.



Know how to get over a lover?



Dance with a stranger.



David's an incredible dancer.



He studied   years

with theJoffrey Ballet.






Joffrey Ballet?



You guys will get back together.



Could I call him

and invite him to the party?



Uh, yeah.






There it is!






One of the best

clutch shots of all time.



Nobody played better than...



Reed, West,

Chamberlain, Baylor.



I'll run it for you

again in slow motion.



People are asking for you.



Let's go mingle.



"Mingle" sounds like something

sea lions do before mating.



You are the guest of honor.

They love you.



But these guys need me.

Don't you?



- Go on.

- Leave your money.



Wait, there it is.






The greatest clutch shot

in basketball history.






The best.



Paul, listen.



You are my friend

and a great director,



but I'm not doing

commercials ever again.



I don't want you

to do a commercial.



I need a favor.



All right, shoot.



I'm having a package

delivered tomorrow,



but I'm going to San Francisco

on a shoot.



- You're going to shoot in San Francisco?

- Yeah.



Who are you using?



- Len Peters.

- Lennie?



Didn't you like my last

dog food commercial?



That was a classic.



Could I have this

package delivered here?



Sure, no problem.



Let me ask you something.



Do you think I'm overexposed?




No, not at all.



It'll be delivered tomorrow

and picked up Thursday.



Tomorrow; picked up Thursday.



This is a delicate matter.



Don't mention it.



All right.




# Happy birthday, dear Peter #



# Happy birthday to you #







Oh, uh...



first of all,



I want to thankJack

and Michael and Rebecca...



for embarrassing me

with this flow of sentiment.






Thanks for coming.



All right.

All right.



I think everybody had a great time.



- Don't you?

- I sure did.



Why don't you stick

around a while?



I thought sentiment

made you uncomfortable.



- I can handle it,

- Mm-hmm.



As long as it's

disguised as sex.



Stay tonight.



I can't.



I have to be up at   am

for a pretrial meeting.



- Yeah?

- Yeah.



Happy birthday, Peter.






Yeah, right.



It was a great party.



You know, in this light...



you're kind of ugly.



That rut in the middle

of your forehead...



is getting out of hand.



- Why does that happen to you?

- What?



As soon as you get

a woman in your room,



you turn into her brother

and solve her problems.



Unlike you, and our sexually

insatiable roommate,



I'm a sensitive guy.



I have more on my mind

than pronging chicks.



What's a good year

for pronging chicks?



The '   Bordeaux

works every time.



Thank you very much.



Did somebody die here?



Rebecca left early.



Michael saved another

doomed relationship.



Post-party depression.



Listen, I'm out of here

tomorrow for    weeks.



What do you say

I get rid of Cherise,



we hunker down with a

bottle of wine and shoot pool?



I got a better idea.



You two hunker down,

and I'll...



No, no, no.



Just go have a good time.



Enjoy yourself.



Oh, guys, tough job,

but it's gotta be done.



He's unbelievable.



The man is one giant gland.



Jack? Jack?



He left already, Cherise.



I think he took my mousse.



That's our boy.



Thanks, Peter.



See you around.






It's me, Jack.



I'm at the airport,

but I forgot to tell you something.



Apackage is going

to be delivered today.



Some guys will pick it up

Thursday before noon.



Just put it aside,

and don't worry about it.



It's a very delicate matter,

so don't tell anybody.



I'll bring you back

something from Turkey.



Maybe a drumstick.



See you later.




Hi, Harry.



Morning, sir.






Get out here.



What is it?



Just get out here.






What's going on?



I don't know. What?



Oh, okay.

Just look in the hall.






Just look out in the hall.






That's a baby.



I know it's a baby.



What's it doing there?



It's sleeping.



Who do you suppose it belongs to?



Peter, there's a note.



All right, I'll just go ahead...



and play along.



"DearJack, here is our baby."



Oh, no.



You really don't know

anything about this?



I knew it. I knew this would

happen to him sooner or later.



"I can't handle this.

I don't know where to turn."






- "Someday I hope you can

both forgive me.

- Unbelievable.



Her name is Mary.

Love, Sylvia."



Who's Sylvia?



You need a secretary to

keep track of all his women.



He left a message

about a package...



being delivered today.



He said to put it aside

and not worry about it.



He said that about a baby?



He takes procreation

a little lightly.



What are we supposed to do?



Pick it up.



You pick it up.



I'm not picking it up!



You found it!



One of us has to pick it up.



It's not going to be me.



I don't know

anything about babies.



Neither do I.



- We've got to do something.

- Be my guest.



It's not my responsibility.



It's not mine, either.



Don't yell at me!



It can't be that difficult.



Just feed it.

It'll shut up.



I don't know what babies eat!



Soft stuff.



We were babies once.

What did we eat?



It couldn't have been

very good; I can't remember.




Where are you going?



To get baby food. We can't

feed it cake and goat cheese.



What am I supposed to do?



Entertain it.



"Entertain it!"



Entertain it?

How do you entertain a baby?



Hey, Junior.



Look at my hands.



Look at this.



It's a glass; a prism.



Look at those colors.



This is nice; expensive.



You don't like that.



How about... Oh, look.



It's almost like

Japanese origami!



It's a bird! It's a bird!



No, huh?



I'm getting a headache.



You're giving me a headache.



How about this?



A hairy chest!



Like that?

You want one of these?



Excuse me.



Where can I get

a jar of baby food?



 rd aisle to the right.






They gotta be kidding.



What's happening, baby?



How you doing today?



My name is Johnny.



That's right,

but you can call me Mr. Cool.



What's your name?



Haven't I seen you

around the neighborhood?



What's the matter?



Cat got your tongue?



Why can't you talk?



Come on, kid. Laugh it up.

I'm doing my best.



Excuse me.



Is this a good meal for a baby?



- That's for toddlers.

- What's a toddler?



  /  to   years.



I need something for a baby.



This is your first?



- First what?

- Baby.




First and last.



No matter how you prepare,

you're never ready.



No, you're not.



What an infant eats...



Can you...



can determine its entire future.



That's fascinating,

but all I need is food.



That's all.



What's the best-selling brand?



- That white can.

- Great.



This is the best?



No, it's the cheapest.

That's why it sells.



How about this one?



That's good,



but it's got iron in it.



Is that bad?



If your baby's allergic to it.



How do you know

if she's allergic?



They throw up all over you.



But they throw up even

if they're not allergic.



Some babies can't

hold anything down.



What about this one?



That's for older babies.



How old is your baby?



About that old.



You don't know

how old your baby is?



Yes I do.



- Is she teething?

- Teething?



Does she cry all night,

chew her fist and drool?



All right,

I'll take   of these,



and some of these...



Thanks for your time.



You've been a source

of great distress.



If she's less than   months old,



you've got to

sterilize the nipples.



Here it comes.



Hey! Look!



I'll give you $  

if you stop crying.



   bucks, huh?



I'm going to pick you up, now.



There you go, Jr.



Is that better?



How about a little walk?



Wait a minute.




Hey, how about this?



No, we're not going

to keep crying.



No, no, wait.



# Rock-a-bye baby

on the tree top #



#When the bough breaks

na-na-na-na-na #



# Something like laughing...



Come on!

Where the hell is he?



Milking the cows or something?



Look! No crying.



Hey wait a minute!



You can drive a guy to drink.



No, not you.

You're a cute little thing.



How about:



# Hush little baby, don't you cry #



#When Peter gets home,

I'm gonna punch him in the eye



All right, here we are.



Here we are in my room.



Look around here.

This is nice, huh?



We'll sit down here.



Look! We're going

to watch a little TV.



Yeah, just you and me.



Here you go.



Amuse yourself.



Women are wondering,

are they having an orgasm?



Men are worried maybe their penis...



Whoa, whoa.



No, you don't

want to hear that.



We'll have a nice conversation

with uncle Peter...



and let him have some fun.



That's a good idea.



Where the hell have you been?



Oh, hi, Mrs. Hathaway.



Oh, what a darling little baby!



Is it yours?



- No, it's not mine.

- Mr. Mitchell's?



No, someone loaned it to us.



We're watching her for a while.



What's its name?



Its name is uh, uh, Sylvia.



No, Mary, Mary.



We've had a tough morning,

and we're tuckered out.



We have to say good-bye.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Hathaway.



By the way,



this package just arrived

for you downstairs.



All right, great.



Could I hold her?



I don't think so.



I love babies.



Oh, yes. Tch, tch, tch.



I just love babies.




Mr. Hathaway and I...



were never able to have any.



Mr. Hathaway has

a low sperm count.



Some guys have all the luck.



Oh, you are a cute little bundle,

aren't you?



You do realize she did a doodle?



Yes, you did.



Would you like me to change her?



No, I can do it.



I'm used to it.



Thanks, we've got to go now.



We're gonna say bye-bye, now.












If you ever need a baby-sitter...



All right, thanks.



She's a lovely baby.






This baby hasn't stopped crying.



She did a doodle.



What the hell is that?



Don't tell me.

I don't want to know.



You're gonna know,

because she did it.



I had to go   places

and get   kinds of formula.



  kinds of diapers,

bottles, towels, nipples...



You have no idea how

much crap kids need.



How old is she?



You want me to check

her driver's license?



You can tell how old she

is by feeling her teeth.



I'm not feeling her teeth!



I'm tired of holding her.



I can't hold her

and make her bottle.



I'll hold her.

You check the teeth.



Come on!



I can't feel anything.



What's that mean?



She doesn't have any teeth!



Neither did Gabby Hayes,

and he was   .



We'll give her the

stuff for newborns...



and hope she's not allergic.



You've no idea what

they can be allergic to.



What's that stench?



Hold her.



Just hold her.



This is a girl.

Should we be doing this?



Just hold her,

so I can get the diaper off.



- Ohh!

- Awww!



How could something

so small...



create something so disgusting?



Beats the shit out of me.



Hand me the other diaper.






Shouldn't we wash her?



We'll wash her later.



Get me the cotton.






Here it is.



Just give me a little cotton.



I don't need a package.



Get me the cotton wipies.



This is disgusting.



It's all over

and it's sticky.



We're going to need some

kind of cleaning fluid.



How about after-shave?



Come on, Michael,

just get a diaper.






Do these tapes go

in front or back?



How am I supposed to know?



These are way too big!



- What size did you get?

- They're ultra absorbent.



The more absorbent,

the better!



Hold her!

She's going crazy.



- I don't want to.

- Come on, Michael!



- You're going to rip it.

- I'm not going to rip it.



Yes, you are.



Get me another diaper.



I'll use the tape.

I'll tape it up.



I'm an architect,

for Christ's sake.



I build   -story skyscrapers.



I assemble cities of the future.



I can certainly put

together a goddamn diaper.



Take it easy, kid.



There, see?



It's working.

A piece of cake.






Nice job, Pete.



The little insect

was just waiting...



for that diaper to fall off.



I think we're in trouble.



I'm going to killJack.



I'm going to kill him.



This is the deal.



- Michael.

- What?



You're going to have to

wash where the poop was.



Come on.



All righty.



You're not getting

anything off that way.



There you go.

That's clean.



I'll rinse her.



Rinse her a little bit.



There we go.



This is for moisturizing...



Don't use the baby lotion now.



It says, "prevents chapping."



Just wash her.



I'll put some in just to make sure.



We gotta get some help.



Jack said this is a

delicate situation,



that we shouldn't tell anybody.



Can you believe him

putting us through hell...



to save his precious reputation?



I'm not doing it anymore.






You're going to have a headache.



Mary, let me have the pen.



I'm later than usual

for the deadline.



Come here.




Actually, I don't seem

to have them after all.



I must have left

them at the office.



I'll get them in the morning.






Your daddy's a dead man.



Rebecca you're...



I came as soon as I could.



Who are you?



This is Jan Clopatz;

Peter Mitchell.



How do you do.



Jan is a cellist

from Hungary.



He's playing at Carnegie Hall.



What a thrill.



What's the emergency?



Just come with me.



This is the big emergency.



It's a baby.



Why's that the first

thing everybody says?



Of course it's a baby.



It's your baby?



It's not mine. It's Jack's.



Jack has a baby?



I realize that

tends to negate...



our belief in a benevolent God.



It doesn't look likeJack.

He has more hair.



I'm glad you can joke

at a time like this.



She needs to be held.



Babies like to be held.



Where is he?



Jack's in Turkey,



which is where I'd be

if my baby was in New York.



We're dying here.



Michael doesn't

know about babies.



I don't know about babies.



I've got deadlines

hanging all over me.



I've been reading

books about babies.



I can't figure it out.



It says,

"Feed every   hours."



It takes me   hours

to get her to eat.



Does it mean   hours from

when I start or finish?



I've been feeding

her from when I start,



and I'm feeding

her all the time.



Which is it?



- Why are you asking me?

- You're a woman.



That doesn't mean

I know about babies.






Please stay with me

and help me take care of her.



You want me to take care of her?



- Yes.

- Now?



No, when she graduates

from college. Yes, now.



I can't do that.



Baby take...

very, very much work.



Thanks for telling me.

Is he an idiot savant?



Rebecca, we be late.






Rebecca, please.



Stay with me.



I have got a date!






Excuse me for cramping

your romantic style.



Rebecca, we be late!



You can't be serious about him.



You go out with other people;

so do I.



I don't care if you date

the whole string section.



- Right now, I need you.

- I can't be here now.



Oh, she doodled!






Yes, doodled!



Don't babies doodle in Hungary?



We're leaving.









Come on, Rebecca.



Don't go.



You're a very big boy.



You're very capable.



You'll get through this fine.



I hate the cello!






I keep waiting for

"Candid Camera"...



to walk through the door.



What'd you cancel for tonight?



Box seats at Shea.




Dinner with Cheryl.



Two more days.



Where'd you put

the baby powder?



I'll get it.



Why'd you put it there?



We're bathing her in here.



It's just down the hall.



We don't bathe her there.



Maybe we should start,

goddamn it!



You're going to clean that up.



What time are they getting here?



- Before noon.

- Good.



I see my editor about  :  .



Did you move my blueprints?



I need them.






I think she did a doodle.



Your turn to change her.



I'll give you

$     if you'll do it.



Check this out.






Does Jack Holden live here?



Someone asked us to

pick up a package.



A package? I love the way

everyone calls it a package.



Tell Sylvia she's got a lot of nerve

dumping her problems in our laps.



- Who's Sylvia?

- When she first got here,



we considered

calling the cops.



Wait, wait, wait.



... totally disrupted our lives.



We haven't worked or slept.



There's been shit

all over the place.









The package busted?




You could say that.



Did you put the shit back?



No, we had it

bronzed for posterity.






Her next bottle is in    minutes.



It's in the basket.



It's a baby.



You're sharp, aren't you?



   minutes after eating

she gets tired.



Put her to bed.



I'll get the powdered milk.



Oh, yeah.



Right, powdered milk.



Yeah, powdered milk.



We'll take the "powdered milk"

and get out of here.



You want us to take the baby?



That was the arrangement.



Are you sure?



You're damn straight.



If you say so.



Let's go.



You won't forget what we said?






She likes to be

rocked to sleep. Gently.



Gently. Absolutely.

I can handle it.



Leave your phone number,

in case you need advice.



I'll call you.



Do you hear that, Peter?

Just listen.



Isn't it wonderful?



Isn't what wonderful?






Peace and quiet.



Something screwy is going on.



I've got a funny feeling.



You've been tense

the last   days.



It's just your nerves unwinding.



Maybe you're right.






what is this?



A package.



When did it get here?




Mrs. Hathaway...



Go to the window.

Stop them.



I'll catch up with them.



You're beautiful.



Want to go for a ride?



Hey, up here!



Where will I put her?



On your lap.



We need a baby car seat.



Put her in the trunk.



You want to ride in the trunk?



Want to go in the trunk?






Oh, no.



Oh, my God!



Want to try this?

It's an adventure.



Why do I listen to you?



It's absurd to put

a baby in the trunk.









I gave you the wrong package.



I made a terrible mistake.



I gave you the wrong package.



Give me the baby first.



Give me the baby!



You're disturbing the baby.



Give me the baby.



Hey, Satch.



This guy's an animal.



I keep him chained

and feed him raw meat.



What's going on?



It's Roy and Trigger.



What's going on?



Nothing, Officer.



You putting the kid in the trunk?



No, it's unhealthy

and it's illegal, also.



No, he's not, Officer.



Let me see your

license and registration.






You're double-parked, wise guy!



All right.

Wait a minute.



Be gentle.



I'll be right

with you.



Come back here!

You, freeze!



I have no intention of moving.



I'm not a criminal.



I'm an architect with a baby, see?



Let me see some I.D.



I don't have any with me.



Up against the car, spread 'em.



My wallet's in my apartment.



You can come up with me.



I'll show you some I.D.,



but I won't spread 'em

because I have a baby.



Let's go, architect.



Here we are.



Can I get you

a cup of coffee?



No thanks.

I'll just wait here.



I'll just be a second.



Come with me, Michael. Here we go.

I'm coming.



The package those

guys came for...



is full of drugs.



- What?

- Drugs!







Do something with it.



- Like what?

- Hide it!



I'm coming.



Sorry to keep you waiting.



Remove that from

the cover, please.






Thank you.



Shh. Shh. Shh.



Shhh. Shhh.



Thanks for coming up, Officer.



If there's anything else

I can do, let me know.



I was just doing my job.






I'm Detective Sergeant

Melkowitz, Narcotics.



Officer, you can saddle up now.



I'll handle this.



Aren't you going

to ask me in?



Can I get you a cup

of coffee, water, beer?



Thanks, I'm fine.



You don't mind me

asking a few questions?



No, not at all.



Is that your baby

I saw downstairs?



No, it's my roommateJack's.



Who were those   men

you were talking to?




of the mother's.



They were going to

take her for a ride.



The baby, not the mother.



They couldn't because the car...



had no baby seat.



Mind if I have

a look at that baby?



I just love little babies.



She's sleeping.



Sounds like she's awake.



Mind if I see her?



She doesn't like strangers.



She may not be decent.



I don't think she'll mind.



There she is,

and she's got a friend.



This is my other roommate.



Detective Melkowitz,

Michael Kellam.






What a cutie.



Mind if I hold her?

I just love kids.



I'd rather not.



Go ahead.

It won't hurt.



You know how

she is around people.



Let him hold her.



He won't hurt her.



He's a police officer.



All right.






You're a heavy little girl,

aren't you?



Yes. Yes. Yes.



She really is heavy,

isn't she?



She's a good eater.



Good. It means she won't

grow up to be nervous.



You've got nothing to

be nervous about, sweetie.



She's ready for a change.






You know babies:

Eat, sleep, and poop.



- I'll change her.

- Good idea.



What a cute

little baby.



Do you know where

her father is?



No. He's on location

doing a TV movie,



but I have no idea where.



Do you know this guy?



Not very well.

He's a friend ofJack's.



I don't remember his name.



He's Paul Milner.

He directs TV commercials.



On the side,

he dabbles in heroin smuggling.









I don't know him.



I'd appreciate that

glass of water now.



Of course.

No problem.



Thank you.



I've got it.



Hi, this is Peter, Michael, andJack.



We're out playing.






Whoever it is, I'm here.



Peter? Jack.



How are you?



I got a message that

you were trying to reach me.



Michael and I really

have to talk to you,



but you called us

at a bad time.



We'll call back later.



I'm calling from Turkey.



It took me

an hour to get through.



It's not an easy

place to phone from.



This place is amazing.



You will not believe

the stuff I bought for you.



This shit is so cheap here.



I probably bought too much,

but I can always smuggle it in.



Ha, ha.

I was kidding.



Thanks for calling.

We'll see you when you get back.






I gotta get him

a glass of water,



so his mouth isn't dry

when he reads me my rights.



- Here you are, Sergeant.

- Thanks.






Nice talking to you.



It was very illuminating.



- He heard the phone call.

- We're dead.



- You thinkJack's involved?

- I don't know.



We gotta talk to Paul Milner.






He is involved.



Couldn't you think of somewhere

better to hide the drugs?



It was perfect until you

insisted that he hold the baby.



I'm sorry.

Where'd you put 'em now?



In the garbage pail

under the dirty diapers.



Nobody's gonna

look for it there.



You realize we're in

trouble with this cop?



You realize that no one's

coming back for this kid?



Jesus, you're right.



We're stuck with her

'tilJack gets back.



This is disconnected.



Oh, I'm late.



Wait a minute.

So am I.



Oh, damn it.



Mr. Kellam?



Mr. Mitchell?



Hello, Mrs. Hathaway.



It seems that a horse...



has befouled the front walk.



Do you know anything about it?



Mrs. Hathaway,

how nice to see you.



Really nice to see you.






- She can sit 'til   P.M.

- I'll hurry.



Me, too.

I'm worried.



I got the one

with the moustache.



I'll tell Melkowitz

we're moving.






There you go, pal.



What can I do for ya?



I'd like "Sports Illustrated,"

"Popular Science,"



some gum and

that giraffe up there.



Which one's the giraffe?



The rubber one.



That's not a giraffe,

that's a dinosaur.






The one with the polka dots?



- Yeah, that's it.

- That's a dinosaur, not a giraffe.



I don't care.

Just gimme the damn thing.



- What about your change?

- Never mind.



Mrs. Hathaway, I'm home.



Mrs. Hathaway!



- Mrs. Hathaway, where's Mary?

- I don't know.






Oh, my God.
























Thank God.



Thank God.



No, everything's fine, darling.



Everything's fine.



Don't you worry.



Nobody's gonna hurt you.



No, it's okay.









She's okay.



She's not hurt.



How are you?



I'm fine, just fine.



Did you see what those bastards

did to my videotapes?



We got a message.



What'd it say?



"Next time, we'll take the baby."



It's okay. It's okay.



Mr. Kellam?



Mr. Mitchell?



"The champ caught Smith

with a savage left hook...



"that sent the challenger

crashing into the ropes.



"Smith, his left eye swollen,



"and the cut above his right eye

now much more bloody,



countered with a barrage

of vicious body blows."



What are you reading her?



It doesn't matter what I read,



it's the tone you use.



She doesn't understand

the words, anyway.



Now, where were we?



"The champ began the  th round

like a man possessed,



"going straight for his

opponent's body...



with ferocious energy."






Jeez! My face!

Watch out for my face!



- Peter! It's me, Jack!

- Jack!



Jesus, Jack!



- Jack!

- No, wait.



- Get him off me.

- You irresponsible...



What is it with you guys!



We should be asking you

that question.



What'd I do?



What the hell are you doing

back so soon anyway?



- My part got cut, okay?

- Good!



What is with him?



Look at this place.



What the hell is

going on around here?



Aw, shit!



What was that?

I'm not going anywhere...



- 'til you tell me what's going on.

- We'll be glad to.



- That really hurt, Peter.

- Ow, ow, ow.



Sunday morning,

I come back from jogging...



to find this basket,

with this baby in it...



waiting in the vestibule.



Wha... What?



Inside is a note from Sylvia

saying the baby was yours,



and she was leaving it here

for you to deal with.






Then, along comes another

package with your name on it.



Only this time,

the package has heroin in it,



- and the narcotics squad, camped

downstairs, knows all about it.

- The cops?



I don't believe this.



I don't know anything about

any drugs or any police.



I thought I was just

doing a favor for Paul.



I didn't know

what was in that package.



I certainly don't know

anything about that baby.



Somebody drops a baby off,

and you assume he's mine?



The child doesn't look

anything like me.



I'm bigger...



and I have more hair.



"DearJack, here's our baby.



I can't handle this now.

I don't know where else to turn."






Oh, my God!




Ayear and a half ago...



I was doing

"Taming of the Shrew. "



She was the shrew.



I did some of my best work in that.



I got great reviews.



Jack, you're such a jerk.



You're always thinking about yourself.

I want to kill you.



Michael, we won't have to.



Jack, I would like to introduce

you to your daughter, Mary.



Wait a minute.

You can't be sure this is my kid.



Uh, uh...



What the hell am I

supposed to do with it?



We've put our lives on hold,

Jack, taking care of this kid.



Now, it's your turn.



Okay, all right.




Until I straighten this mess out,



I'll take care of her.



Why not? I'm an actor.

I can do a father.



Yeah. What can be so difficult?



- Good night, Jack.

- Good night.



Oh, down we go.



Wait a minute!

What's the matter with her?



- Good night, Jack.

- Good night, Jack.



Hold still, kid.




How do you put on these

goddamn things, anyway?



- Figure it out for yourself, dickhead.

- Nice shot.



Look at that stuff!



Oh, my God.

What are you guys feeding her, huh?



Oh, no, not on the silk sheets!

Not on the silk sheets!



Maybe I should show him

how to put on the diaper.



Oh, no. I don't believe this.

Why me? Please!



Come on, baby!



Nope. Let's give him

another half hour.



Let him suffer.



- Yes, yes.

I'm trying to reach Paul Milner.



No, he was supposed to be

in San Francisco, but I can't find him.



Please tell him to callJack Holden

as soon as he gets in.



Is this urgent?



Yeah, "urgent's"

an understatement...






I don't know why I bother

to give you this.



It just goes right through you.



Did you get ahold of your friend?



- No.

- Don't forget to bolt the door.



I won't.



Remember, there's $      

in heroin in that diaper pail.



The baby wipes

are in the cabinet.




Heroin's in the diaper pail,



baby wipes are in the cabinet.

Where else would they be?



I can't believe this.



You're kidding me? Thirty-two

Benningtons in the London area?



Yes, sir.



Uh, I'll get back to you.

I, l...



Oh, boy.



I know, I know.

Yes, yes, yes. Sshh.



Oh, God.

Yeah, yeah.



Well, we tried your mommy.

Maybe I should, uh,



maybe I should try mine, huh?









Well, where is she?



Oh, Mom. Wait 'til you see her.

You won't believe this.



She is so beautiful.

She looks just like you.



You know,

you boys live like pigs.



Oh, Mom.



Look, there.

Isn't she beautiful?



There she is!

Look at that little baby!



Will you come to me?

I'm gonna pick you right up.



Yes, I'm gonna

pick you right up.



Oh, I'm in awe.

I mean, look at you.



You pick her up like a pro.



I pick her up

like a grandmother.



That's called experience.



Darling, let's see you.



- She's so lovely. What's her name?

- Mary.






Well, Mary!



Look at the way

she's looking at me.



For a moment, there,

I had her laughing.



Yeah, just like me, huh?



Don't ruin this for me, Jack.



Oh, she adores you.



She knows that

you're her grandmother.



It's like a biological thing,

an instant connection.



Cut the crap, Jack.

What do you want?



Mom, I can't take care of her.



I don't know what to do.



I was hoping that you could

take her for a little while,



not forever. You know,

until she's ready to vote?



Oh, I would love to.



Do you know, Jack,

some people live all their lives...



without having anything this

wonderful to show for it?



I know, Mom.



I'm going to do the most

wonderful thing for you:



Absolutely nothing.






Jack, you've always run

away from responsibility.



Now you have to

turn and face it.



Mom... I'm a screw-up.



You were a screw-up.

Now you're a father,



and you'll be a fine one.



Think so?



I know it.



Your father, God rest his soul,

he was a screw-up,



and he turned out just fine.






- Don't you remember?

- Yeah, I guess.



Now, give me a kiss.



Mary, give me a kiss.



Now, you and your friends...



clean this place up.



If not for yourselves,

do it for my granddaughter.



We will, we will.




Thanks anyway, Mom.



Well, looks like

it's just you and me now, kid.






Oh, Jack?

There's   bottles prepared already,



so you should be fine

until tomorrow morning.



If her bottom gets red,

give her a bottle of water.



In about   hours...

white as marble.



We'll be in seats

D-   through   .



If there's a problem,

the usher will get us.



Oh, here's the number.



- Wait a minute.

Are you leaving right now?

- Yeah, now.



When are you coming back?



Around midnight.



Don't worry about us.



- Is this a four?

- Yeah.



It's good to have.



So, uh, what do

you want to do?



This show's been running

longer than Mary's been alive.



Peter, we agreed not to mention

her name tonight, right?




My mistake.



Who did you guys con

into sitting for you?













Are you hungry?



Well, we're in luck here.



Tonight, the chef has...



cooked up something

very special for you.



He has taken the

juice of one cow,



and sauteed it

with a fine sauce.



It is presented,

surrounded by a bottle,



and topped off with a

delicious rubber nipple, eh?



Excellent choice!

Yes, yes, here we go.



Ah, yes.



What, what?



Here you go.

Come on.






You don't want it, huh?



I just changed you. Huh?



And you're not hungry.

What else is there in life?



I always wanted to be

a musical comedy star.



- Did you ever try?

- No.



Ladies and gentlemen,



Act II will begin

in three minutes.



Three minutes.



Michael, have you

ever done any acting?



No, no, I leave that toJack.

The idiot.



# I got sunshine #



# On a cloudy day #



#When it's cold outside #



# I got the month of May #



# I guess you say #



#What can make me

feel this way #



# My girl



Maybe he fell asleep,

or fell and hit his head.



He's probably unconscious.



Come on, it's started.



- There's an emergency.

- It's terrible.



- I had a great time.

- See you at P.J.'s.



Sing us a song

from the  nd act.



Are they always

this strange?






since they got involved

with another woman.



Wasn't that fun, huh?




Ooh, cover that.



- Jack, where are you?

- Jack!



I'm right here.

What, what?



What are you doing?



What's it look like

I'm doing, Peter?



Is everything all right?



Everything's fine, yeah.

Why are you back so soon?



Uh, we thought that we

might have left the stove on.



No, no.

The stove's not on.



I think that Uncles

Peter and Michael...



are having a nervous breakdown.



I called, Jack.

I let the phone ring for   minutes.



Why didn't you answer the phone?



Well, because Mary and

I were taking a shower,



weren't we?

We didn't hear anything.



Isn't that the truth, Mademoiselle?



Oh, you are cute.



I never put a phone

in a shower before.



Do you get many calls in here?



A steady stream.






"Commercial Director

Hospitalized After Mugging."



Yeah, take a look at this.

It's your friend, Paul Milner.



"Don't let this happen to you.

Be at the phone booth...



at the corner of    st and

Columbus at   pm tonight."



They're trying to intimidate us.

I hate that.



I've had enough of this doo-doo!



I want to finish this, okay?









Yeah, we got your message.



Uh-uh. No good.

We do it our way.



Because we got the stuff,

and if you don't do it our way...



Come on!

Say it, say it.



We flush it down the toilet!



Okay, now.

Listen and listen good.



There's a construction site...



Car    following suspects,

southbound, Central Park West.



Come on, Peter!



Damn it, Joe, we lost them!



I've got   blocks to turn around!



That was great.

That was great.



Everybody remember what

they're supposed to do?



Come on, Peter.

It's not that complicated a plan.



Next, he'll want us

to synchronize our watches.



Should we do that?



Yes, thank you.

Hello, Sergeant Melkowitz.



My name is Jack Holden.

I think you know my   roommates.



I must have been crazy

to agree with that guy.



"Orange elevator."

Here it is.



"Close door."







-   ?

- Yeah.



I'm all filthy.



What's wrong, sweetheart?



Come here.

What is it, huh?



Well, you should have

told me before we left.



Oh, boy. This is not

a good time to do this.



Hold still.



There you go.






They're here.



You know, this is

really aggravating.



I'm here, by the pipes.



I don't have a lot of time...



- Hold it, just hold it.

- What? What?



Look, where is the stuff?

Give it to me.



- It's in the elevator.

- Oh, bullshit!



It's in the control panel.

Check for yourself.



What am I supposed to do,

bring my handy tool kit here?



You realize that...



we had absolutely

nothing to do with this.



- We had no idea what was in the package.

- No kidding.



I could've figured

that out in   seconds.



I mean, you guys

don't behave like pros.




We're not pros.



I just said that, didn't I?



Why make it so complicated?



We've never done this.



- I've got it!

- Great.



You're forgiven this time.



Very wise of you to cooperate.



Glad it's over.



No happier than I am, believe me.



Dealing with amateurs

is a real pain in the ass.



So is dealing with professionals.



No doubt.



Hey, what is that?



What are you,

abusing my trust here?






There's someone in there!

Come on!



Come on, Michael!



Oh, no.

Look out!



- I lost my balance.

- You all right?



- Did you get it?

- Yeah, I got it!



Who's doing this?

I want that camera, punk!



There's   switches!



Aw, these guys

wrecked my day!



- Jack!

- What the hell happened?



- He hit the wrong button.

- He what?



- Can it go any faster?

- This is it!



You punks!









Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.



I want that home movie.

I'll wait for you... I want it!



Oh, no.






Hit the button on the left!



The one on the left, Jack!



What, what?



Hit the button on the left!



There is no left.



- Come on, get it going faster!

- I can't!






What's the matter?

Why is this elevator stopped?



I got 'em!



- What's going on?

- It just ain't runnin'.



- Did you hit the buttons?

- Yeah. It's dead.



Oh, boy.



Uncles Peter and Michael will be

plenty ticked off with Daddy.



Aren't you glad

he's on our side?



You wait for me!

I know where you live!



Oh, no, Vince.



Why is this happening?

Why is this happening?






It's okay, guys, it's okay.



Hi. Are you Sergeant Melkowitz?



Yeah. Are you the father?



Yes, yes, I am.



Thanks for the phone call.



It was Peter's idea.

Hi, guys.



She's okay.



Hello, Sergeant. The guys you want

are in that elevator.



The drugs are up there, too.

All you need to know is here.



It's very illuminating.



Thanks a lot.

If I have any questions,



I know where to reach you guys.



Can I hold the baby?









Uh, I guess not.



When the sun goes down



And it's getting late



You say it's time for bed



She just takes her time



Acting like she never



Heard a word you said



Little baby want

to hold you tight



She don't ever want

to say good night



She's your lover



She wants to be Daddy's girl



When the morning comes



And it's time to go



Start another day



She won't let you leave



And she does her best



Try to make you stay



Pretty baby gonna start to cry



She don't ever want

to say good-bye



She's your lover



She wants to be Daddy's girl



She don't ever want

to be without you



Never have to worry

She won't doubt you



When she puts her head

upon your shoulder



Go again, please.



I will see you

burn in hell.



You'll see me where?



In hell.

You heard me.



Yes? And where will you be

while I'm burning in hell?



I'll tell you where

I'll be, you silly bitch.



I will be in Niagara Falls,

that's where.



Ha, ha, ha.



Can you say "Michael"?




Yeah, can you say "Michael"?



She won't understand



Why you're feeling sad



'Cause she's leaving you alone



Little woman gonna

make you cry



You don't ever want

to say good-bye



She's a lady



She'll always be Daddy's girl



Little woman gonna

break your heart



One bottle, please.

One bottle.



- Bottle.

- Bottle, please.



Here it comes.



Hup. Ho, yup!















Ho, ho!






Hey, hey, yo! Yeah!



Sshh. I know,

I know. Yes, yes.



What's the matter?



She doesn't want

to stop crying.



That's not like her.






Let's give it a try.




All right.



# Do-do-dee-do-do #



# Good night, sweetheart #



#Well, it's time to go #



# Do-do-dee-do-do #



# Good night, sweetheart #



#Well, it's time to go #



# Do-do-do-do #



# I hate to leave you #



# But I really must say #



Good night, sweetheart

good night



#Well it's   o'clock #



# In the morning #



# Baby, I just can't

treat you right #



#Well, I hate to leave you baby #



# I don't mean maybe #



# Because I love you so #



# Do-do-dee, do-do-dee

do-do-dee-do-do #



Well, it's time to go



# Do-do-do-do #



# Good night, sweetheart #



#Well, it's time to go #



# Do-do-do-do #



I hate to leave you



But I really must say



# Good night, sweetheart

good night



I didn't know you sang so well.



Well, it kind of helps her sleep.



This is having quite

an effect on you.



You gonna have any more kids?



I don't want to talk about it,

Rebecca. Good night.



Peter, I'm having a lot

of trouble sleeping.



Could you sing to me?



# Do-do-dee-do-do #



All right, I'll see you later.



Thank you.






Good morning.






There you go.






I'm Sylvia...



Mary's mother.

I've come to get her.



Just a minute.



How is she?



She's fine.



She's teething.

That can be rough.



Can I see her?




Come on in.



I don't believe

how wonderful she looks!




Hello, Mary!



Hello, my darling.



It's your mommy.

Yes, it's your mommy.



You're very beautiful.



Your hair is growing.

You've changed so much,



and I've missed it.



Mommy has missed you.



Oh, I never thought

I'd miss her this much.









Where's my baby?

Is Jack here?



I'll get him.



Mary, look how big you've gotten!










Sylvia's here.



Mary's leaving.



She looks very happy, Jack.



You've obviously taken

good care of her.



I'm sorry.



I shouldn't have left her

the way I did.



I hope it didn't

cause too much trouble.



No, no.

No trouble at all.






there's something

I need to know.



Is she really mine?



Yes, she is.



So, what are you going to do now?

Do you have any idea?



I, uh...

I'm going home.



I can't work and take care

of Mary on my own, so, uh...



we're going to move

in with my family.



They said they'd help.



You're going to London?












Is that what you

really want to do?






Never mind.



You pack all the bottles?






And the cans of formula?



You packed 'em.






What about the blender?



Should we give her that,

to mash up bananas and stuff?






And diapers.

You pack extra Pampers?






How can he let her go?



If I wereJack,

I would not let her go.



Neither would I, Michael,

neither would I.



But he's the father.



I don't think

he wants her to go.



But he just can't admit it.



You know, if you want

anything at all, you call us.



She'll probably be

hungry in an hour.



She's a real good eater, so...



Like her daddy.



Some of this stuff s fragile.



I got it.



If she wakes up at night,

she likes to be sung to.



'  s and '  s music works best.



I'll remember that.



You're all set.

Everything's packed.



If you need anything

else, call us.







Thank you.



Well, here, let me.

Go ahead.



There we go.



Gloucester Hotel, please.



I'll write and let you

know how we're doing.



Look, darling.



Wave good-bye, sweetheart.



Bye, Mary.

Bye, Mary.






Good night, sweetheart



Well, it's time to go






Good night, sweetheart



Well, it's time to go






I hate to leave you



But I really must say



Oh, good night, sweetheart



Good night






Good night, sweetheart



Well, it's time to go






Good night, sweetheart



Well, it's time to go






I hate to leave you



I really must say



Oh, good night, sweetheart



Good night



Well, it's three o'clock



In the morning



Baby, I just can't get it right



Well, I hate to leave you baby



I don't mean maybe



Because I love you so



Do-do-do, do-do-do




Good night, sweetheart



Well, it's time to go






Good night, sweetheart



Well, it's time to go






I hate to leave you



I really must say



Oh, good night, sweetheart



Good night




do-do-do-do, do-do-do



I hate to leave you



I really must say



Oh, good night, sweetheart



Good night



Guys like us shouldn't

be raising kids, anyway.






Well, should we?



I suppose not.



She's better off

with her mother.



And we are definitely

better off...



now that everything's

back to normal. Right?



Whatever you say, Jack.






So how come I feel so bad?



What'd you say?



How come I feel so bad?



I have this ache, right here.



I don't know.

What do you think, Mike?



Could be the wine.



It's not the wine.



Well, what is it, then?



I don't know.

I wish it would go away.



Maybe it's something you ate.



Maybe you're not

getting enough sleep.



It's not that.



Then what the hell is it?



I miss Mary.






I miss Mary.



I just wish there was

something I could do.



Well, maybe there is.






When's her flight leaving?



Yo, taxi!






Yeah, Kennedy.



Who are you guys chasing?



My baby girl.

Her mother's taking her to London.



How old?







That's hard work.



Pretty soon,

they start to walk.



The first time you

hear the word "Daddy,"



your heart just melts.



Can you drive

a little faster, please?






Thank you.



Good luck, guys.



It's four, gate four!



Excuse me, sir.

Hold it, fellows. One at a time.



Hold it.

Any metal?



Put it in here, please.



Go through.



Thank you, sir,

one at a time...






Miss, Flight    ?



That's it.



Thank you.

Good night.






Are you all right?

We thought you'd gone.



I couldn't go, Jack.

I couldn't do it.



I don't want to make

another mistake.



I knew if I took her,

I'd be making another mistake.



I have to work...



and I can't do that

and take care of Mary alone.



Do you know what's it's like?



A one-room flat,

on your feet all day,



working or auditioning.



I'm on the job sometimes

until   in the morning.



Since Mary gets up at  :  

I don't get much sleep.



And after  :  

it starts over at  :  .



By the time I change her

and play with her, it's  :  .



Forget about sleep after that.



With baby-sitters, all my money

is sucked down the tubes.



And me so tired,

I can't take Mary to the park.



Getting time for

the park is a bitch!



I mean, I love my job but...



I sometimes feel like I'm just

working to pay the sitters...



and I run around all day,



and I don't get enough sleep.



I don't think I'm taking

very good care of Mary.



- Of course you are.

- I am? I couldn't cope.



We know how hard it is.



The   of us could hardly manage.



I don't want to go to London.



I want to work in New York.



But I can't do that alone.



I hope I don't have to.



I need help.

I need someone to help me.



We'll help.

We will help!



You can leave her

anytime you want.



When you go for an

audition or shopping,



or you want to be by yourself.



I hoped you'd say that.



- Really?

- Thank you so much!



Of course!



Hold it, guys.



I don't like

this arrangement.



I just don't want to

be Mary's baby-sitter.



I want... we want to be able

to see her all the time.



I agree, so what are you saying?

What do you mean?



I'm saying...

that I think...



Mary should move in

with us permanently,



that we should

be her family.



It's lovely of you to offer...

but I couldn't let Mary...



No, no, no, no...



You're right.

She's your daughter.



She needs a full-time mother.

That's why...



we think that you

should move in, too.



- It's a great idea!

- Yeah!



- Oh Sylvia, come on.

-   is better than  .



Uh, do you have room?



I'll build you and Mary rooms.



- Yeah, he builds rooms!

- Please say yes!















Something happened

baby, in my life



The minute I saw you



The minute I saw you



All the others

faded from my life



The minute

I saw you, hey!



Nothing better

baby, in my life



'Til the minute I saw you


Special help by SergeiK