Voila! Finally, the Three To Tango
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Neve Campbell movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Three To Tango. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
So we walk in...
Where do we sit?
-Right. Good. Down.
-Yeah, why not?
-Will you say hello first, or will I?
-Why don't I?
-Good. This is gonna be okay.
-It's gonna be marvelous.
Are you sure?
I dreamt that when we walked
into this meeting, I had no clothes on.
Well, I was wearing a doily.
And Julie McCoy from The Love Boat
was there and she had three breasts.
And then we kind of fell into a hot tub.
And all of a sudden...
...she wanted a commitment!
I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out.
...this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna have a signal.
If you start to babble,
just watch the signal.
No babbling, no chatting...
...no small talk. We got a signal now
so we can do this.
Okay, yes. You're right.
We can do it. Thank you.
We'll walk in there and kick some ass.
Say it with me.
Kick some ass!
It's a bit much, I know.
You look intimidating in this picture.
I asked, but they wouldn't run
a nude photo.
Now that would have been
What are you doing today?
I can't disclose that information.
You never tell me anything.
I love it when you get all mushy like that.
This song is too slow.
When do I see you again?
Whenever I feel like it.
It is now : .
From : until : you will be hearing
proposals for the cultural center.
I'll be right out.
Also, your wife called.
She's expecting you for dinner
at The Ritz at : .
-I'm out of here.
-Wait, Amy, let me--
-Call me later.
I'll buzz you when the first team
of architects arrives.
Peter, before we go in,
I just wanted to say...
...that I would never have
an opportunity like this without you.
So, you know...
...whatever happens in there,
I just want you to know that...
...I'm very honored to be your partner.
You are the best partner
that a man could ever have.
Now, let's go inside before
you start singing or something, okay?
Look at this.
It's Gilligan and the Skipper too.
What have you studmuffins
been up to lately?
Well, we've become triathletes, actually.
We bike, we swim, we....
-Also do the third thing.
Congratulations on your work in
that men's room in the bus station.
Yes, your use of mosaic
in the urinal trough...
...was reminiscent of our mural
in the Hancock Building.
Except people don't piss on ours.
That's not true. We read the reviews.
Decker and Strauss.
-Let's go nail this job.
Watch your feet.
Well, I'm not worried. You?
No. Absolutely not.
-Yeah, we're dead.
Sir, the Charles Newman Cultural Center...
...would redefine cultural life in the city.
There'd be a museum, an opera house...
...an international food court.
Steinberg and Novak.
-Good luck, ladies.
So you've worked with those two men?
Are they really, you know, partners?
...Peter is, you know....
No, Oscar is very, very, you know.
It's nice to meet you, sir.
It's nice to meet you, sir.
They hang out at, you know, bars.
And they march in the, you know, parade.
They have, you know...
...sex with, you know, men.
-It's very nice to meet you, sir.
-He can hear you.
-No, he can't.
-Yes, he can.
-I'm Peter Steinberg. Oscar Novak.
-It's nice to meet you.
-How you guys doing today?
Couldn't be better.
It's an honor to meet you.
And your office is....
Hey, you have a Buddha.
Oh, I love Buddhas. They're, like,
bright, cheery, naked Asian Santas.
I had a buddy in college.
His name was Bob, and we called him...
...because he was kind of fat...
...and he liked to walk around naked...
...and we rubbed his belly for luck.
...I love Buddha.
The Buddha is an important
...from which I draw
Let me hear what you have.
The Telford was not just considered
a great museum...
...but a wonder of the age.
I barely recognize it.
We propose a renovation
...the Telford, without eclipsing
its classic glory.
To us, the Telford is a work of art...
...one of Chicago's true monuments.
Preserving it would be more than
a job for us. It's an opportunity--
Just a second.
-Yes, Mr. Newman.
Bring in Decker and Strauss
and my echinacea drops.
I liked your presentation.
Big, modern, bold.
And preserving the old and contrasting it
with the new. I like that too.
You, especially, I like.
You find him?
...and housebroke him.
This is what we're gonna do.
You'll each build a model...
...and we'll do it...
...in the Telford itself.
What do you guys think of that?
I love it!
The press will love it. And then...
...I pick the winner.
Well, I just, I think that's...
...a fantastic, fantastic idea.
You pay for these models
out of your own budget.
Do you know how unfair it is,
him getting your hopes up like that?
I mean, as if you two
even have a ghost of a chance.
Tell you what.
When we get the job,
we'll throw some men's rooms your way.
-How much is this gonna cost?
Well, that's too much. That's too much.
I could take out a second mortgage
on my apartment.
Come on. You have already invested
everything into this company.
I can't let you do that.
We have to.
We don't have to.
We're gonna get this job.
We're gonna kick ass.
We're gonna kick big ass!
I love you! I love you!
I love you!
-We were just--
-Very nice to meet you both today.
Here we go.
Well, that seems to be a close partnership.
Yeah, they seem very close.
What do you mean?
Both gay? The goofball too?
Wow! I'm so excited. I'm overly excited.
I have some bad news.
I can't make it to your opening
at the gallery.
I did my best, but Olivia's been planning
this benefit for months.
-I'm sick about the whole thing.
-It's all right, Charles.
So who's gonna be there?
Charles, don't start.
It's a perfect opportunity...
...for one of these clowns you dated
to try to get back in.
Charles, come on.
What about that guy from art school...
...the one who paints world flags
on people's asses...
...and then he photographs it?
I hate that guy.
Not to mention Kevin Cartwright...
...with his big, grotesque muscles...
...and his Mr. Nice Guy act and his....
Kevin. It's so good to see you.
I got a little cold.
Great game last week.
-Congratulations on the new contract.
I'll use these big, grotesque muscles
to load this stuff in the van.
See you at the gallery.
Charlie, you look good.
You been working out?
Thanks, Kevin. You're a lifesaver.
Imagine a dome, flanked by four
sky-lit pyramids on either side.
What Oscar and I see is a convergence
of two classical styles...
...with an interplay--
Mr. Newman, I'd like
to say at this juncture...
...how grateful we are for this opportunity.
I mean, we're excited and indebted.
Oscar, you might want to...
...save some of your dignity
for later, in case you need it.
I'm just telling him how thrilled we both--
I appreciate your loyalty, Oscar.
It's a rare commodity these days.
Can I talk to you for a moment privately?
You know, you're quite a guy,
'"Novak.'" That's Hungarian, right?
You know, Lenore told me about....
Anyways, I told her I think it's great
to have people of your...
...background working for me.
You and Peter.
No. I am, though. percent.
You'd be surprised
how many of us there are.
Whatever. It doesn't bother me.
Can I be honest with you?
Well, how nice for you.
I also have a girlfriend.
Amy is an amazing woman.
A free spirit.
Tonight she opens an exhibit of her work.
I can't be there.
This was very upsetting to me, but...
...I'm not upset anymore.
Because you'll be there.
-I'll be there?
I'd like you to stay close to her.
Tell me who she talks to,
that sort of thing.
There's one guy in particular,
Ex-boyfriend of hers. Real persistent guy.
I'm very worried about him.
What do you say?
Peter Elasavic kicking it away.
Holdman will grab it back on the seven.
Go, buddy. Go, go, go!
Run me through this one more time.
Charles asked you...
...to spy on his mistress...
...and you just said yes?
-What else could I have said?
What do we got this week?
Hurry up and '"dimmy some.'"
You don't put ketchup on dim sum.
Because, Rain Man,
dim sum are not French fries.
It is important to me that
you grasp the delicacy of the situation.
You can't just go off
on a spying expedition.
Let him go. What's the big deal?
-Catch the ball, for chrissake!
-What do you think?
-You mean as clothing?
So this honey, Charles' girlfriend...
...is she hot?
He can't go out with an ugly girl.
Give it up for Charles. What did I say?
I don't know what she looks like.
I do know that
before she went out with Charles...
...she went out with Kevin Cartwright.
The running back.
We watch him every week.
For seven seasons.
There you go.
There it is.
You know what the deal is with that guy?
-He caught a really big fish?
That he's hung like an army mule.
They call it the '"Ponderosa.'"
Like from Bonanza? The Cartwrights?
You're white, man. Let it go.
I don't think you gents are grasping
the gravity of the situation.
This job could really land Oscar and I
in the major leagues.
Since Charles is such a big,
...chances are that
his girlfriend is a foxy one.
That's the problem. We know how
Oscar handles himself around the honeys.
Give me some credit.
I have a degree of self-control.
I don't fall over every pretty girl I see.
-The man's got complete control.
-Yeah, you're paranoid.
So don't worry.
-Good night, guys.
Where you going?
I want you back here by : !
Dorm check at : !
You know what's funny?
You're so screwed.
Start looking for another job.
Who wants to get bitch-slapped first?
I'll go second.
I had no idea things
were so hairy in Bosnia.
The yellows and purples, I love all this.
Let me show you.
Damn it! For chrissakes!
to secure these things.
Thank you. You saved me.
Well, you have to protect something
as beautiful as you.
You're not beautiful, the sculpture is.
I am so sorry. This never
should have happened. By the way...
...have I told you how enchanting you look?
I saw you catch that piece. Nice moves.
Thanks. Coming from you,
that's a huge compliment.
You still hold the college record
for most penis in a single season.
So you have all my stats?
Yeah. I'm a huge fan.
I used to have that poster of you.
Did I say '"penis'" back there?
-Thought I'd let it go.
Do you come to these gallery things
all the time or....
Well, actually, I'm very close to the artist,
-Really? How close?
Right, right. So what are you doing
after the show?
I mean, did you come here
with anybody besides Amy?
Well, actually, I....
Will you excuse me just for a moment?
Go ahead. You got it going on.
You got it going on.
I've been looking for you. I'm Amy Post...
...and I owe you one.
Oh, boy. Oscar Novak.
It's nice to meet you.
Thank you for saving that piece.
It was an honor.
Listen, your work is amazing.
-I mean, it's really incredible.
Don't get me wrong, though.
I could do it better.
I don't blow glass, but if I did,
I think I could do it...
...a little bit better than you.
There's a party for the artists
at a bar across town.
I want to pay you back for saving my ass.
-I don't think so.
-I'll see you guys over there.
Wait. You said
your name was Oscar Novak.
Of Steinberg and Novak?
Oh, my God. That is so wild.
I know Charles Newman.
Congratulations. The Telford's
one of my favorite buildings.
Thanks. Me too.
I know every curve of it.
It's kind of like a person to me.
That's scaring you.
No, that's how I feel about my stuff.
I get very caught up in my pieces.
They're like my kids.
I even talk to them.
So see, I'm even scarier than you.
We're a couple of kooks, you and me.
He's dealing with that rather well.
Maybe we should walk.
It'll be fine. I'll check the engine.
I'll check the--
Probably just a hose.
All right. Come on, let's go. Go, just go.
I have a question.
-What the hell are you doing?
-Three sounds at once.
All right, that's horrifying.
Please do it again.
That's not three sounds at once.
No, it is. It goes....
And the humming.
Here, let me. I got it.
God, you've hurt yourself.
No, you hurt me.
Yeah, see, you hit me in the face.
So what's good here?
What else is good?
What do you think?
Two tuna melts.
You seeing anyone right now?
Me? No. I have trouble finding people
that are compatible.
They always want to sleep
on my side of the bed.
Get out! I like the left side.
Are you lonely?
You're okay company
as long as you're not beating me up.
You cover. Don't like to reveal too much.
I resent that.
And I'd respond to it
if it weren't so revealing.
Then you change the subject
with a joke. Got it.
I will let you know when I'm joking.
This is not food.
I think it looks good.
-Are you okay?
You know what?
I knew that tuna melt tasted funny.
I'm lucky. I can eat anything.
My mother was a horrible cook.
She'd make this chicken that smelled like...
...an old shoe, a wet dog,
blue cheese and....
-Will you excuse me for a second?
Boy, I feel good.
Oh, God. Don't worry.
You'll feel better in a second.
It just doesn't get better than this.
-You still want to go to that party?
Are we sure this is safe?
It's safe. Allow me.
Maybe we should skip the party?
I'm sorry about before.
How are your balls?
They're fine. Thank you for asking that.
I had a great time.
One catastrophe after another. I loved it.
This is me.
Would you like to come to my shop,
see me work?
Yeah. That'd be great.
How about tomorrow?
I can always use a little help.
I'm sorry. You're probably busy.
-I'd love to--
-Say no more.
What happened to your head?
I've been here nine hours. I got bored.
You're a strange man.
Now, will you get out of my apartment?
Oskie, it's : in the morning.
It was awful. As soon as
we left the gallery, our cab caught on fire.
Then she elbowed me in the face.
Then we both threw up.
Then she slammed a car handle
into my balls.
The entire night was a total disaster.
-You're in love with her.
I'll have to default on my mortgage...
...and live in a box and walk on the street
with a bowl...
...begging for crusts of bread
because of you, you bastard!
-Something always happens.
When it's you and romance,
something always happens.
You know what? I resent that, okay?
I've had plenty of relationships
that were successful.
Before they went absolutely nowhere.
I'm sorry. Oscar, listen.
I didn't mean that.
I really didn't mean that.
You gotta see this woman, though.
And she has an ass that is so sexy
that I struggle to even understand it.
You gonna crochet that
and send it to her mother?
You're starting to sound
like you have a very low opinion of me.
You know that's not true.
But this project represents
a major opportunity for us.
All of our dreams could come true.
I'm sure Amy is lovely and complicated...
...but there are a million girls out there...
...and just one project like this,
so I'm begging you, please, please...
...stay away from Amy...
...and her bewildering ass.
Okay, I'll stay away.
How much are we paying them?
They're interns. They're free.
Yeah, well, we're getting ripped off.
How are you?
Hold on for just one second.
How'd it go?
It went great.
You don't have anything
to worry about there.
Cartwright.... It was great.
Thank you very much, Oscar.
I know this whole thing may seem...
...extreme to you.
And I'm not proud of myself...
...asking you to look out
for her, but knowing...
...that we're both keeping
an eye out, I'm just so....
I'm so comforted.
I'd like you to spend as much
time with her as possible.
What do you say?
As much time with Amy as possible?
Say no. Say no.
You know, as much as I'd love to, sir, I--
I hope you know I'd never ask you
to do something which you find...
...inconsistent with your values.
But ifyou don't want to help...
...that's okay. I understand completely.
Say yes! Say yes!
-Thank you, Oscar.
-No problem, sir. Thank--
Well, I guess I have to keep seeing her.
Of course you do, you moron.
Oskie, I'm a professional.
I went to graduate school.
I did all-nighters my senior year.
I did a semester in Egypt.
Do you have any idea
what toilet paper feels like in Egypt?
I delivered cinnamon rolls on a truck
with bad suspension for three years!
Do you know what that does
to your kidneys?
My poor kidneys! My freaking kidneys!
My poor freaking kidneys!
My freaking, scarred, bruised kidneys!
That is very sweet of you.
But I can't accept it.
Come on, I can't even give you a little gift?
We've been over this.
I don't need presents.
I have too much stuff as it is.
You always win.
So? I'm waiting for my cross-examination
about last night.
I would never do that.
You're cool with me going out on my own?
Honestly, no. But I'm working on it.
Great. I'm very proud of you.
I met someone interesting last night.
Yeah, actually you know him.
You met Oscar?
That is a coincidence.
He's a really good guy.
Very. He and his partner
both have a great aesthetic sense.
-I guess most of them do.
You did know he was gay.
Not that I care. Doesn't bother me.
Right. Who cares?
The other night,
I almost started having a crush on you.
Isn't that funny?
Something about late nights
I hope that's okay with you.
If you and I are gonna keep hanging out...
...there's something I have to tell you.
Come over here.
Remember when you mentioned
...and I said that I knew him?
-Help me blow.
Keep your mouth on the opening.
...the truth is, actually, that...
...Charles and I are involved.
We're having an affair.
Isn't that weird? You're at my show,
we get to know each other...
-...and I'm involved with your boss.
-That's so weird!
By the way,
how did you find out about my show?
I read it in the newspaper.
And I thought to myself,
'"Glass blowing sounds cool.'"
And I didn't have anything better to do.
Man, you are a bad liar.
I mean, you cannot lie.
I'm a little slow, but I figured it out.
You were spying on me.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I really should have told you.
You have to understand.
Our entire careers are in his hands.
...I met you.
...you made three sounds at once.
And I just really wanted
to get to know you.
Just don't ever lie to me again.
It's great being friends with a mistress.
I'm free most evenings.
What do you say?
Come over, or I'll tell Charles
you went crazy and made a pass at me.
I could really get you in trouble, Oscar.
-I've gotta take a shower.
-Yeah, I was gonna say....
I get this feeling around you.
I don't know why.
Like we've known each other
a really long time...
...or in a...
...another life or something.
-You know what I mean?
-What was the question?
-Are you always nervous?
It's not every day
I get to hang out with a spy.
There's a CD in there. Hit play.
I'll see you in a minute.
Okay, I'm ready.
-Where's my champagne?
A toast to....
What should we toast to?
What, you don't call anymore?
You just show up?
Champagne, music, Amy in a kimono.
I swear, if you weren't gay...
...I'd have to kill you.
I'm not gay. I didn't.... Gay?
Oscar, come on. We don't care.
What people do in their own bedrooms
is no concern to us, right?
How are you?
-I just love Japanese kimonos.
Thank God you're here. I need to....
You guys throw a lot of dinner parties.
-I'm gay. It's what we do.
That, and shop for small dogs.
Can I help you?
I need to talk with you privately.
I need to talk with him privately.
We're going to talk privately.
Anyone want cappuccinos?
They think I'm gay.
They think I'm gay.
I win the pool.
Amy and Charles...
...think I'm gay.
You're gay. I'm gay.
I know. I mean,
how could they think that? Me, gay?
It's just so embarrassing
and mortifying and....
Humiliating, yes! I mean,
I don't get it. I don't see it.
I'm just a regular, normal...
But come on.
You know what I mean, right?
When you say you're humiliated...
...you actually mean
you're proud and unashamed.
No. It's not that. It's just--
Being gay's not normal.
I don't think that. I have no problem
with people being gay.
I'm all for homosexuality...
...especially when it's between
But I'm not gay!
I didn't mean what I said before.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to decide...
...if I should recover gracefully
from your insults...
...or kneecap you.
Yes, I'm insensitive and callous.
Well, you're stupid and young.
Yes, stupid and young.
But that doesn't change the fact
that we're in deep shit, okay?
So what are we gonna do?
'"We'"? I don't see
that there's anything for me to do.
-We have to do something.
-Because everybody thinks I'm gay!
You don't? Who cares?
You're enjoying this!
I told you when you wanted to spy on her,
something bad might happen.
You didn't listen. So the reality is--
The reality is you made your big gay bed...
...and you must now slumber gaily in it.
But I don't wanna.
Sweet dreams. Hey, I'll see you
at the next dinner party.
Poor guy. It's so hard
when you first come out.
Want a beer? I'm gonna grab a beer.
There he is. There's the guy!
Go, buddy. You gotta run with that!
Come on, Ponderosa! You've gotta run!
So how'd the spy operation go?
It's just a little complicated.
-He did her.
You got lucky? Is she stacked?
She's really stacked, isn't she?
Oh, my God. She tie you up?
She's a dominatrix, isn't she?
You little piggy.
You got it on with a big-breasted
dominatrix, didn't you?
You tell me.
Am I the only one who's listening?
Nothing happened with Amy.
...I've been meaning to tell you guys...
...that you won't see me
with any women for a while.
I just kind of decided to, you know,
swear off girls for a while.
I don't know how....
Just a little bit of time.
Can I move in?
I put my stuff in storage.
This is what I need.
I need my clothes,
my sketchbooks, my tools--
So you're Amy.
Nice to meet you.
Oscar told us about the other night.
That is so embarrassing
after what I did to him.
Are your balls okay or are they still sore?
-Time to go.
-We should get going.
Are they all gay?
Damn! The little one was kind of cute.
Well, he's not exactly my type.
Let me ask you--
How's Kevin doing tonight? He score yet?
He's kicking ass.
You like him?
Are you kidding? I worship the guy.
So are you okay?
This place is awesome.
Drafty, but awesome.
Tuna fish. Very brave.
I brought that for you.
I brought that for you too.
It'll fit you perfectly.
-Is this you?
Were you in a band?
My friends in high school.
Are you aware
of how you look in this picture?
It's not my fault. It was the ' s.
You didn't look like a dork then?
-I got through the ' s dork-free.
-And you're making up for it now.
I appreciate this, Oscar.
we haven't known each other that long.
I've been dodging my landlord,
and he finally nabbed me...
...and I didn't know what to do.
I have a lot of friends.
I just don't have a lot of friends.
To tell the truth,
I didn't have anywhere else to go.
You came to the right place.
-I like it.
I hope you don't mind me
stopping by like this.
-Amy told me she'd be here.
-No, no. Consider this....
Let's go. I got you a room
at the Four Seasons and--
No, that's okay.
Oscar has kindly agreed to take me in.
Amy can stay here with me. It's okay.
Like I said, a saint.
Okay. You win.
You always win.
How's the project?
Yeah, I'm going to head home now.
I mean, I'm going to head up there to....
-I'm going to bed.
-Are you sure?
I'll be asleep
as soon as my head hits the pillow.
This place is such a dump.
I feel like I might catch something.
Shut up, Chuck.
Come here, you.
Shit, shit, shit.
All right, it's : Chicago. Wake up!
Yeah, you dimwit, you idiot,
you moron, you a-hole.
Go to your crappyjob now.
Go put on your crusty underwear
and blue-collar shirt....
Does he know that he's upside-down?
The new tycoon spent the night
on your couch. I hope you don't mind.
You want some coffee?
I'll just get you a nice cup of decaf.
-Have you boys finished your homework?
Don't fight with the other kids on the bus.
-What are you doing tonight?
-Going out with friends.
Great. Sounds like fun.
-What are you doing tonight?
-Going out with her friends.
Great. Sounds like fun.
What about working for Mr. Newman?
Is he everything he's reputed to be?
-Everything and more.
And you're an openly gay firm?
Will this have any impact
on the competition?
We just try and do our jobs.
It's not important
what other people think of us personally.
Don't you feel you have a certain
responsibility as a gay professional?
If we're talented, we shouldn't
have to pretend to be something we're not.
People have to understand
that we are individuals.
Who cares if we're gay or straight?
Why can't people accept us
for who we are?
You do know you're not gay, right?
You know what?
You've been working too hard.
You need to relax.
I have a surprise for you.
And there he is.
-That's Kevin Cartwright.
-You two have met before, right?
Remember the Miami game, ' ?
Actually, it was like .
But who cares about a couple yards?
You're the man!
That's Kevin Cartwright, right here!
You broke your hand, right?
No, I sprained my hand. What's up?
Then you gained another yards.
That's yards in a game, my man!
-I don't know about that.
-Baseball player stubs his toe...
...he's on the disabled list for nine years.
I don't even know any baseball players.
I'd love to stay and talk,
but I'm bored out of my mind.
I love that girl. That's a good girl.
You're not gonna yell my name
no more, are you?
-No. I'm finished.
-Want to get another round?
That's Kevin Cartwright right here.
-Seven seconds left.
-Twenty yards for a score.
Set! Hut! Hut!
And he's got some running room!
I gotta tell you something.
I'm very attracted to you.
And that's a football term for....
I'm very attracted to you.
You know what? I can't breathe.
There we go.
See, I told Amy how I felt
when we first met.
That's why she set this whole thing up.
How very nice of her.
Look, I'm a little new at this.
I only realized I was gay
a couple years ago...
...after Amy and I broke up.
If you can't fall in love with her,
you must be gay, right?
I live a couple blocks from here.
You want to come by for another drink?
That's very flattering.
But you know what?
The truth is,
I'm in love with somebody else.
I mean, I think you're really great...
...but I'm kind of head over heels,
you know? I'm sorry.
If Amy had told me--
Actually, this person is completely involved
with somebody else...
...so there's no hope.
But I just can't help the way that I feel,
I did not...
...to do that.
You don't have to yell through the door.
Are you decent?
I meant well. I knew you were lonely.
Yeah, okay. Just...
...don't ever do that again.
Can you not tell anyone about Kevin?
He's still figuring things out.
Believe me, mum is the word.
The word is mum.
So he's not your type?
No, I prefer to date people
who are a little...
...a little more....
-I don't know.
-Not so big and tall.
What are your thoughts on penis size?
Do you know, I haven't exactly
organized my thoughts on that yet.
Between you and me, when I was
dating Kevin, we had a real problem.
He has this giant thing!
I was surprised when Kevin told me
he was gay. You can't always tell.
Can you pass me the razor?
I'm gonna go.
Actually, I had a lesbian experience once.
Yeah, it was in college.
There was this Brazilian girl
in my intro philosophy class.
One night we were studying
and sitting on her bed...
...and her hair brushed my hand...
...and all of a sudden
I noticed how amazing she looked.
Olive skin and these incredible
bee-stung lips and these beautiful....
You know how it is in college.
Yeah, you had a....
Well, good for you, I say.
I'm saying good for you.
I could never tell a straight guy that.
He'd ask creepy questions,
try to weasel out details.
That's weird. That is sick and weird.
Men have these stupid
Penthouse-Spice Channel fantasies...
...about two women together...
...in garter belts, push-up bras
and high heels.
-That's just not how it happens.
-Well, of course not.
What happens is....
It was just different.
She was passionate and sensitive.
Listen to me.
This must be so boring for you.
No, I mean, it's not that boring.
We did one thing
that was like those male fantasies.
Yeah, it was really....
Oh, I can't even say it.
Sure you can.
We're a couple of girlfriends here.
Come here. I'll whisper it in your ear.
-Hand me my towel, would you?
Man, it's hot in here.
Chicago, I gotta get something
off my chest.
I don't care about your sexual orientation...
...or ifyou're in the closet,
out of the closet...
...down a mineshaft, on a broomstick.
Just, please, do yourjob.
Who's this bastard on the front
of the business section?
Did you see him? Oscar Novak.
He is a complaining, complaining moron.
Even if I was a mincing, limp-wristed gay...
...I wouldn't tell the whole city about it.
What are you....
Oh, my God!
Talk about great publicity!
Good hair too.
Push up. Push up. Push up.
He was definitely straight before, right?
He and Peter do spend
a lot of time together.
Do we have any newcomers?
No, I'm not....
Thought we kind of had a moment there.
Us? No, we didn't have a moment.
No, I was there. No moment.
You work out, don't you?
You look even better in person
than in the paper.
-You're in great shape.
-Well, thanks. Thanks.
Clarkson back to pass...
...and he hits Willhide up the middle.
He breaks a tackle,
still on his feet at the ....
For the last time...
...I'm not gay.
But you don't believe me.
No, we do. We do.
This is ridiculous.
I've known you my entire life.
What would make you think
that I'm gay now?
The wall treatments.
The hors d'oeuvres.
Yeah, and all the...
What's wrong with wall treatments?
Do you know how hard it is...
...to decide between sponging,
glazing and spackling?
No, it's okay.
Some people might think you're a freak,
but not me.
I knew you were gay all along.
I'm just glad you figured it out for yourself.
Remember when we went skiing
and went into the hot tub...
...and you sort of brushed up against me...
...and you didn't say anything...
...you just looked at me kind of funny?
-Were you hitting on me?
-Okay, you're right. I'm gay.
I've always been gay.
All these years of friendship,
football and me chasing after girls?
A ruse. A clever little trick
just to get all of you into bed.
That's right. I want all of you.
Zack, with your lilting laugh.
Bill, your farts...
...they're like perfume to me.
...you really figured me out, man.
I want you most of all.
Mom, you're not listening. I'm not gay.
You don't have to lie, son.
I'm not lying.
Look, I just have to pretend
to be gay for work.
I know it sounds crazy.
No, you did a brave thing,
and I think it's wonderful.
Dad must be going nuts.
No, your fa ther feels exactly the same way.
Put him on the phone.
He can't come to the phone right now.
I'm never gonna have sex again.
Come on, Oscar. Of course you will.
Just maybe not with a woman.
-Wanna hang out with us?
-You wouldn't believe the day I've had.
Listen, I made you something.
Open it up.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, don't be.
That was nothing.
That's not true.
You're proud of who you are.
Not everyone's like that.
-Come hang out with us.
-No, I don't want to.
We have margaritas.
The best one is,
'"I won't use a line on you.'"
The anti-line line.
-I hate that.
-That is a stupid one.
Is it the same for you? Do you get
the same kind of come-ons as us?
Like the other day...
...I was on a bus,
and this guy comes up to me and says...
...'"Do you work out?'"
The old workout line.
Does anyone fall for that?
And then, you know, he's...
...I mean, staring at my butt.
So I turn around.
Then, of course,
my crotch is right in his face.
So I turn around again,
and then there's butt.
So it's like butt, crotch, butt, crotch...
...butt, butt, butt!
And I'm thinking, '"Hey, pal, I'm a person.
I'm not an object.'"
I have feelings.
It doesn't matter that he's right...
...that I have a finely toned,
picture-perfect, award-winning ass!
There's more to me than that.
That's right. You're not a piece of meat.
Whatever happened to subtlety?
to getting to know somebody first?
If all men were gay, it'd be perfect.
I love you so much.
You've changed my whole life.
I want to make you happy.
That's all that matters.
I've got something to tell you too.
I'm going to get married.
There's this thing I've noticed.
In the movies, when a guy asks a girl out,
she says, '"I'd like that.'"
I've never heard anyone say that
in real life, ever.
Know what the most spoken line
in movies is?
'"Let's get out of here.'"
That makes sense.
It works for a lot of situations.
'"They're shooting at us.
Let's get out of here.'"
'"Aliens have landed. Let's get out of here.'"
'"I wanna make love to you.
Let's get out of here.'"
Those are all good, especially that last one.
What was that?
I was yawning.
You're tired. I'm gonna let you sleep.
No, stay here.
Just till the end of the movie.
Will you marry me?
Do you think we'd be happy?
No, but what does it matter?
I have beautifully located season tickets...
...and I'd love you to be my guest.
Very, very exciting.
Very excited to see your model.
Well, we just hope that you like it.
There really are some
very nice-looking women here tonight.
What's your type?
Type of what?
It's funny. When I met you guys,
I thought you were supergay...
...and Oscar was straight.
I was supergay?
-He cleared it up for me.
He told me that you're not,
but he is, percent.
That article in the paper must make it hard
for you to meet girls.
I do okay.
Thanks, Mom. And thank you for coming.
Dad, the bar's right over there.
-I am so excited for you.
I'm sorry I stole the blankets last night.
You stole the blankets,
you hogged the couch. It wasn't pretty.
You got the left side.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Decker
and Strauss model is open for viewing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Steinberg
and Novak model is open for viewing.
It's so beautiful.
Sorry to interrupt.
We're with the National Association
of Gay and Lesbian Professionals.
We have selected you
as Chicago's Gay Man of the Year.
The ceremony is Friday.
We'd like you to give a speech...
...along the lines of what
you said in the paper.
So what do you say? Do you accept?
Of course he accepts.
I haven't done anything
or anyone to deserve this.
Nobody deserves it more.
-Great. We'll be in touch.
-And congratulations again.
This is great. It's perfect.
First of all,
I've already decided you two have the job.
Oscar gives his speech...
...I tell the press
my Supergay Man of the Year...
...and his partner have won.
It's perfect. Then we have
a press conference and....
Would someone tell me
what Amy is doing talking to my wife?
That's your wife?
What a surprise. What are you doing here?
The concert got canceled.
You know how temperamental cellists are.
And I've had an interest in this project,
so here I am.
I'd like to introduce you
to Oscar Novak and Peter Steinberg.
Congratulations. Your design is superb.
We were just discussing it.
I'm sorry. This is...
...my girlfriend, Amy.
And, Amy, this is...
...my boss, Charles.
Aren't you gay?
Didn't I read that you were gay?
Well, yes, I am.
...every which way.
If you'll excuse me.
...you go after her?
That wasn't so bad.
I knew it might happen eventually
and it did and...
...look at me. I'm still standing.
I think you're handling this
like a real champ.
Where are we going?
To get really...
The thing is, she seemed so nice,
Pleasant and charming.
Didn't you think she was charming?
Maybe she didn't notice
anything was weird.
Maybe she didn't even notice that....
Charles did a good job covering, right?
So it's probably fine.
I'll pretend it never happened.
I feel much better now.
We're gonna dance.
Have you ever kissed a woman before?
Perfect. That is just perfect!
That would be just like me
to fall in love with you.
I have tried every kind of unavailable man.
A gay guy would really
round out my collection.
-I'm losing my mind.
You have been so good to me,
and what do I do? I try to kiss you.
I am so sorry.
Don't be sorry.
It's just that sometimes,
you and I seem so....
I don't know.
Man, I'm such a fucking mess.
You know what?
I'm just being dramatic.
I'm tired. I'm gonna be fine.
Yeah, well, you certainly look fine.
Listen, I bought this tough-girl routine
for about five seconds.
-Look at you.
This is killing you. Why are you with him?
What are you talking about? It works.
-Yeah, it works.
Where's this going?
At least he's straight, for chrissakes!
That's really great.
I get what I need from him.
Well, so does his wife.
Give me one good reason you're with him.
Just one good reason.
In a year and a half,
we haven't had one fight.
He doesn't care about you
enough to fight with you.
God, I can't believe I'm getting grilled
by you of all people!
You haven't had a date since I met you!
You don't know a thing
You just sit around with me
and play it safe!
Well, I don't know about you...
...but I'm getting a little tired
of playing it safe.
So what are you waiting for?
You know, what I have with Charles
may not be perfect...
...but what I have with you is what?
Mr. Novak, you can't....
She hasn't come home. She hasn't called.
So I was thinking
maybe you know where she is.
Do you know where she is?
I'm very disappointed in you.
You were supposed to watch out for her.
You were supposed to protect her.
Look, I tried. I went after her.
I tried talking to her,
but she was really upset.
She has been gone for two days.
She could be anywhere.
How could you let this happen?
How could you let her get hurt?
That's a very good question.
You might want to try that on yourself.
Because I know
you'd never take that tone...
...with a person who just granted you...
...a $ million job...
...I'll pretend you didn't say that.
I hope I don't have to embarrass you
by reminding you...
...that no friendship...
...can compare to what Amy...
...and I have.
-Do I make myself clear?
We'd like to get started...
...by saying a few words
about our organization.
This is our ninth year...
...and we've come a long way
in recognizing gays and lesbians....
You okay? How you doing? Ready to go?
Fine. Got my speech written on cards.
I can handle this.
I mean, it's just a bunch of people, right?
-Giving you an award.
-How could that be bad?
Plus, once this is done,
we can start on the project.
You know, you're right. You're right.
And I have to say...
...I'm proud of you, the way
that you've evolved this mature attitude--
Well, thank you, thank you...
...you know, I figure if I can't have Amy...
...then it won't be so bad.
I can pretend to be gay for a while.
You like being gay, right?
It works well for me.
It won't be bad.
I can always sneak off to straight bars...
...have anonymous sex
with straight women.
That's why giving this speech is fine.
It's more than fine.
It is very fine.
Oscar, about Amy....
You know there are other fish
in the sea, right?
Well, you know, I used to think that.
But what if you find '"the'" fish?
You're right. Plenty of fish.
You're probably right.
Yes, I'm right.
-I think I'm right.
-I think so.
It's a pleasure to introduce
our Gay Professional of the Year....
Well, I gotta go.
Kick some ass, you hear me?
Say it with me. Kick some ass!
-Okay. Kick some ass.
-Kick some ass.
Thank you for inviting me
here this evening.
These last few weeks
have been very exciting.
Peter and I had the opportunity
to work on a project...
...that has become a dream come true.
This award is an honor...
...an honor which I accept with....
You know, awards are a funny thing.
I won an award once.
I was in summer camp. I was seven.
It was a bumper-pool tournament...
...and I won.
But it was kind of an empty victory
because I cheated.
When nobody was looking,
Ijust shoved all the balls into the pockets.
And the funny thing is,
I felt guilty about that my whole life.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that a lot ofyou...
...know what it's like to be in the closet.
So you know what it's like
to have a secret.
Constantly worried about slipping up...
...hiding your feelings from the people
that are supposed to...
...mean the most to you.
And what I admire about all the people
...is that you're not afraid
to be honest about who you are.
You're strong enough to stand up...
...for the dignity
of telling the people you love...
...how you feel.
I know a little bit about this...
...because for the last three weeks...
...I've had a secret.
And it's time for me
to come out of the closet.
I'm not gay.
Amy, I love you.
I haven't been honest with you.
But I love you.
I've never felt that way about anyone.
And I know...
...that by telling you this...
...I might have lost any chance
I ever had to be with you.
But I believe you deserve...
...that everybody here deserves...
...that kind of honesty.
I'm very proud of you...
...you big drama queen.
Go get her.
Oscar, get your ass back here!
A melee ensued today...
...at the Gay and Lesbian Association's
...as the Gay Man of the Year
declared his love for a woman.
I think Oscar and Amy need to talk.
Onlookers were amazed...
...as the Gay Man of the Year,
Oscar Novak, leapt from the stage...
...and pursued the woman into the lobby...
...where crowds were awaiting
Can we please just talk about this?
And it wasn't pretty.
You promised you'd never lie to me.
We had a deal.
Get out of my way, you big freak.
Don't make me make you my prison-bitch.
The incident reached a fever pitch...
Great punch. Let's go.
...as Charles Newman, the renowned
...incurred the wrath
of the same unidentified woman.
Before police could arrive on the scene...
...the enraged, yet fashionably
attired young woman escaped.
How about that?
Gay Man of the Year: Not gay.
Are you okay?
You're fired. You will never work for me,
nor for anyone I know.
Which is everyone.
I don't care.
And you know why?
Because I don't like you.
Found him and housebroke him.
That was a brave thing your partner did.
Yes. I have to say,
I'm very proud of the little guy.
I don't believe we've officially met.
I'm Kevin Cartwright.
Yes, I know. I've heard all about you.
Really? Like what?
Nothing specific really.
Well, it's all true.
-Would you like to get a drink?
-I'd love to.
Don't do it.
Yes, but I...
...deserve to die.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd find you here.
-Oh, my God, I'm so--
-Just shut up.
-I want to get a few things straight.
-Me too. I just--
I'm gonna be quiet now.
...you lied to protect your job.
You violated my trust and friendship.
You tricked me into telling you things
I never would have told you.
Are you proud of yourself?
Was it really worth it?
I have one thing left to say to you.
I get the left side of the bed.
Well, you know...
...we'll have to see about that.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah, I'd like that.
So I take it
you have kissed a woman before.
Not the right one.
Overall, an evening of shock
and amazement for everyone...
...as the Gay Man of the Year announced...
... ''I'm not gay. ''
Won't it be awkward working with Oscar
after that fiasco?
Actually, I went with the other firm.
You're depriving them of a job...
...just because he's in love
with your mistress?
Oh, you're hurt.
I realize this girl was special.
Olivia, I don't know
what you're talking about.
I simply went with the other firm.
Oscar and Peter did a better job.
They will build the cultural center.
The decision's been made.
...why don't you go put on
those red bikini briefs that I gave you?
I love the way your butt looks in them.
I really don't want to.
What happens when I'm unhappy?
But not the red ones.