To Be Or Not To Be Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the To Be Or Not To Be script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of To Be Or Not To Be. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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To Be Or Not To Be Script






Europe  1936.



Nazi troops annex the Rhineland

without a shot being fired.



March  1938: The Anschluss.



Nazi troops annex Austria.

Again not a shot is fired.



March 1939. Nazi troops and tanks

move into the Sudetenland...



...and in a matter of days

occupy all of Czechoslovakia.



No shots are fired.



August 1939. Nazi troops mass

on the western border of Poland.



Europe stands precariously

on the brink of World War ll.



But despite the threat

of imminent invasion...



... the Polish people forget their

troubles at the Bronski Theatre.






Sweet Georgie Brown!



Sweet Georgie Brown!



Sweet Georgie Brown!









Bravo, Anna! Bravo, Anna!






ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen.

In the interest of clarity...



... the rest of this movie

will not be in Polish.



-You get roses, and I get to watch.

-Well, I have to get some appreciation.




What are you talking about?



You are not only my wife,

you happen to be the costar.



Bronski, here's the poster.

Is it okay?



-It's fine, Bieler. Fine.

-Fine? Just a minute. Come back here.



I don't mind my name in smaller print.

But in parentheses?



-I like it. It sets your name apart.

-Well, set yours apart.



Intermission! lntermission!

Let's set up for "Naughty Nazis. "




-Yes, Mr. Bronski!



-I can hear you. I'm not in Kraków.

-Sorry. Act       minutes!






-What is that?

-Hitler. He's threatening to invade us.



-Turn it off.

-Troops are massed at the border.



-I for one do not feel we can--

-Never mind.



There's an audience massed out front.

We have a show.



Mr. Bronski, don't you

read the papers?



It could be war.

The Ministry of lnformation--



Politics! That's their business!



We are in the theatre.

That's our business.







-How's business?




We received another bouquet of roses

from our secret admirer.



And this time, we got a card.



-"I must see you. "

-He must see us.



"Lieutenant Andre Sobinski. "



It has to be that handsome young flier

in the third row.



Second row. How could I miss?

He's always in the same seat.



-Fourth from the aisle.




All these flowers, night after night.

And on a lieutenant's pay!



-He must be hopelessly in love with me.

-Maybe his father's a florist.




Me My Moe! Me My Moe!



-Tonight's receipts.

-Thanks, Bieler.



Ratkowski, get Ravitch!

You're going on!



-Ravitch! We're on.

-I know.



Me my moe!



Ravitch, we're doing "Naughty Nazis,"

not "Naughty Marietta. "



Terrible! Look what they're saying

in the papers.



Hitler is a monster. Hitler is a

madman. Hitler is a maniac!



It'll drive him crazy.

He'll be furious!



Yeah. The last thing we want

is a furious führer!






Yes? What? He's coming?

Quick, hide those newspapers!



I will hide them where he will

never find them.



-Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!

-Heil myself.



Have you read the foreign papers?



-They call me a monster! A madman!

-Und a maniac!



What do they want from me?



I'm good-natured. I'm goodhearted.

I'm good-looking.



Every day, I'm out there trying

to make the world safe. For Germany.



I don't want war.

All I want is peace. Peace.






A little piece of Poland

A little piece of France



A little piece of Portugal

And Austria perchance



A little slice of Turkey

And all that that entails



Und then a piece of England Scotland

lreland and Wales



Nobody's allowed here

during a performance!



A little nip of Norway

A little spot of Greece



A little hunk of Hungary

Oh what a lovely feast



A little bite of Belgium

And now for some dessert



Armenia Albania

And Russia wouldn 't hurt



We're from the foreign office.

We must see Bronski.



I'm sorry, sir, but you can't.

He's on-stage.



A little piece of Poland

A little piece of France



A little piece of lndia

And Pakistan perchance



-Why did it come down?

-I've never been so outraged.



-Don't look at us!




-Who brought the curtain down?

-I was ordered to.



-Ordered to! By whom?

MAN: By me.



-Who are you?

-Dr. Boyarski. These are my colleagues.



Wonderful. What gives you

the right to stop my show?



-We are trying to stop a war.

-What's that got to do with comedy?



Your presentation could be construed

as an insult to Hitler.



-It was meant to be an insult!

-Lupinski, shut up!



We cannot allow you to ridicule

the Third Reich. It's too risky.



Let me tell you something.

The curtain's going up. . .



. . .and we're gonna finish.

We are not backing down!



Then we're closing this theatre.



-We're backing down. Strike the sets.

-Thank you, Mr. Bronski.



-Let's get on with the next number.

-The next number isn't ready yet!



We'll use Klotski's Klowns.



Sondheim! Send in the clowns!



Klotski, get ready! You're going on!



-We're still     minutes short.

-What'll we do?



Pardon me, a thought.



-Shakespeare. I could do my Shylock.

-Shakespeare. Great idea, Lupinski.



One little change.

You don't do Shylock. I do Hamlet.



-Hamlet? What a wonderful idea.

BRONSKl: I heard that.



Oy, the comedian gets to play Hamlet.



And me, a serious actor, gets to play

the first off-stage Nazi.









-He did everything.

-Oh, good! Mutki, Mama's baby!



-"Naughty Nazis" is out?

-Foreign office says it's offensive.



-What's gonna take its place?

-Bronski's gonna do his Hamlet.



-And that's not offensive?

-Offensive, yes.



-But convenient.

-What do you mean?



While he's busy with his soliloquy. . .



. . .our gorgeous young flier

could wing his way backstage.



Are you suggesting I have a rendezvous

with Lieutenant what's his name. . .



. . .while my husband's out on-stage?






All right. But remember, you said it.



Ladies and gentlemen. There has been

a change in the program.



Tonight you will be honored

by Frederick Bronski's world-famous. . .



. . . "Highlights from Hamlet. "









Is not more ugly

to the thing that helps it. . .



. . .than is my deed

to my most painted word.



O heavy burthen!



I hear the handsome

young prince coming.



Let us withdraw, my lord.



To be. . .



Or not to be.



. . .or not to be.



Excuse me.



-That. . .

ANDRE: Pardon me.



-. . .is the que--

-Excuse me.



--que. . .question.



Pardon me.



-Whether 'tis nobler in the mind. . .

-Excuse me.



. . .to suffer the slings and arrows

of outrageous fortune.



Pardon me.



Or to take arms against

a sea of troubles. . .



. . .and by opposing, end them?



What happened? He's good tonight.



ANDRE: I can't believe it.

I'm actually sitting here with you.



-You're Anna Bronski.

-Yes, I am.



You're the one who's been

sending flowers.



-They're expensive. You shouldn't.

-It's okay. My father's a florist.



-And that must be Mutki. Hello, Mutki.

ANNA: Oh, you know his name.



I know everything about you. I've read

every word written on Anna Bronski.



-How's Kishka?




-Kishka, your canary.

-Oh, Kishka, my canary.



I have some very bad news for you.

The cat got him.







Moska, your cat?



Yes. Moska, my cat.

Yes, yes. Moska ate Kishka.



I'm sorry to hear that. I love

that picture of you on the farm.



You behind the plow.

By the way, where was that?



-In the Chronicle.

-No, where's the farm?



Oh, the farm!



That's out of town somewhere.

That's where they keep them.



Oh, but that's enough talk about me.

Let's talk about you.



-How'd you like me in the first act?

-I thought you were sensational.



Oh! Flatterer.



-I bet you have girls chasing you.

-No, I don't.



You chase them?



Well, actually, I believe that

you really only fall in love once.



And when you do, you should dedicate

your whole life to that person.



Yes, I totally agree.

But on the other hand. . .



. . .I've always felt that love should

never stand in the way of a good time.



-How about you?

-I do like to have fun.



You do? What do you do for fun?



I fly a bomber.



-That's fun?

-Yes! There's nothing like it.



I climb into the cockpit, the engines

start to rev up, I'm in another world.



They sputter. They hum.

Then they thunder.



The plane moves forward,

taxing down the runway slowly.



Faster, till the world becomes a blur,

rushing by at incredible speed.



My tail starts to rise. The roar of

the engines becomes deafening.



The plane shakes, pushing with

all its might to break free.



Then I'm off the ground!



Thrusting upward, upward into the sky.



Flying higher and higher

until I feel I can touch the sun.



-Would you like to see my bomber?




-Forgive me. I got carried away.

-You're not the only one.



-It's getting late in Denmark.

-You must go. I have to change.



-When can I see you again?

-Oh, dear, I don't know. I don't know.




He's doing Hamlet tomorrow night.



-How about tomorrow night?

-Great! Great!



-Same time?

-I don't know. All right.



Mrs. Bronski. Anna, may l. . .?



Yes? Yes?



-May I kiss you good night?

-Of course.



Gee, thanks a lot.



Oh, he's an animal!

Listen, honey--



-Are you all right?

-I'm fine.



-Then why are you on the floor?

-The floor? I'm on the floor?



Get me up.



I still can't believe what happened

last night. I can't believe it.



Bronski, will you please stop?!



Gets up and walks right out.



-Did it happen before?




All right. It happened last night,

it'll never happen again.




O heavy burthen!



I hear the handsome

young prince coming.



Let us withdraw, my lord.



To be. . .



. . .or not to be.



That is the question.



-Excuse me.

-Whether 'tis no--



-No. . . .

-Excuse me.



-Pardon me.




--bler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows. . .



. . .of outrageous fortune.



Or to take arms against a sea of. . . .



-A sea of. . . . A sea of. . .







. . .troubles. . . .



-Enter Andre Sobinski.

-Exit Sasha Kinski.



-Won't you sit down, lieutenant?

-There isn't time.




-Mrs. Bronski.



Anna, my squadron

has been put on alert.



I've done something that I hope

you won't think is too bold.



-I'm sure it isn't.




I've written a letter to your husband,

telling him how we feel.



You what?



-It's the decent and honorable thing.

-And a stupid thing.



-You're right. That is stupid.

-I'm glad you changed your mind.



I should've followed

my first instinct.



-What was that?

-To be a man. To tell him in person.



Andre, let's think this out.



If we tell him now,

all we'll do is hurt him.



I know what you're feeling

and what I'm feeling.



If those feelings grow,

if they get deeper. . .



. . .and we find ourselves

hopelessly in love. . .



. . .then we'll hurt him.



-I'll tell him now.

-Listen to me.






Anna, it's war.




-Let me see that.



"German troops crossed the Polish

border at several points today. "



-I've gotta get back to my squadron.

-People are gonna kill each other.




-Goodbye, Anna.



Andre, come back.



Don't worry, I will.

I have to see you again.







That poor boy.



All of them.



-Anna, have you heard?

-It seems impossible, doesn't it?



-Does the audience know?

-No. Let's make an announcement.



Stabbed in the back.



I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.



I know, I know. Isn't it terrible?



Terrible? It's more than terrible.



It's the worst thing

that's ever happened. It's the end.



No. It isn't. It just mustn't be.



That man, I hate him!



I hate him too. Everybody hates him.

All Europe hates him.



They should.

I mean, two nights in a row!



Two nights in a row?

What are you talking about?



He walked out on me again!



Bronski, Bronski! Can't you forget

about you for one minute?



My God, war. What's happening?

What's going on?



-We've been invaded.

-This could be the end of Poland.



This is bad too.






MAN: Air raid!




Everybody to the cellar!



To the cellar!






-A bomb!

-Ka-boom. Oy, oy, oy!






What's going on?

All right. Don't panic.



You'll get your costume.



It's war! The Germans are bombing us.



-Hurry up.

-Come on.



-Hurry up!

-Is everybody here?






What did we do to them?




We don't have to do anything.



Poland, the doormat of Europe.

Everybody steps on us.



If it isn't the Russians,

it's the Germans.






Listen. I wish we could do something.



What can we do?



We'll do what

a theatrical company should do.



We'll hide till it's over.






NARRATOR: Warsaw is almost leveled

as the Luftwaffe relentlessly pounds...



... the Polish capital into rubble.



A stunned Poland unprepared

for the mighty German war machine...


            brought to its knees

in less than three weeks.



Poland surrenders but the fight

is carried on from England...


            the Polish squadron of the R.A.F.






Forgive me, but just hearing that song

took me back to Warsaw.



My regret is that I'm too old

to do the splendid things. . .



. . .that you brave young men

do for Poland.



Professor Siletski, your radio

speeches on The Voice of Free Poland...



. . .are worth a thousand bombs.



Thank you, but I won't be doing

them again for a while.



-Why is that?

-You see, I'm leaving for--



-I'm going on a little trip.

-Where to, professor?



Thank you for the fine supper

and wonderful songs.



-It's a secret mission.




-You're going to Poland, aren't you?

-Are you going to Kraków?



I can't tell you any more.

I shouldn't have mentioned it.



-You didn't.

-We coerced you.



My wife's in Kraków.

If you could--



I understand, but I cannot jeopardize

the purpose of my trip.



Not one of us would

mention a word--



All right. If I can't trust you,

whom can I trust?



Write down the names and addresses

of your people and I'll do what I can.



My family got out of Poland,

but there's someone still in Warsaw.



Can you handle a delicate matter?



-Is there a lady involved?




-You want to contact her?

-Without her husband knowing.



That is delicate.

What is the message?



Just say, "To be or not to be. "

She'll understand.



In code?

And the lady's name is Mrs. . .?



Believe it or not, it's Anna Bronski.



Let me write all that down.

"To be or not to be. "



-What did you say the lady's name was?

-Anna Bronski.



B-R-O-N-S-K-l, is that correct?



-You've never heard of Anna Bronski?

-Should I have?



You said you lived in Warsaw.



Oh, yes, yes, the name is familiar.



Familiar? She's famous!



Oh, that Anna Bronski!

What was I thinking? Of course.



-Can you read this?

-My brother's with the Underground.



With the Underground? Brave.



-My cousin's in the Underground.

-What's his name?



Nobody from Warsaw

could not know Anna Bronski.



Something is wrong, and I thought

it was my duty to inform you.



-Siletski already left.

-He's due in Sweden.



-How'd you know he was leaving?

-He told us he was going to Warsaw.



He told you?



That's why we gave him

the names and addresses.




-Of whom?



People in the Underground.



-He wrote them down?

-Yes, sir.



If he isn't stopped, we've sentenced

the Polish Underground to death.



-How is he getting to Warsaw?

-By boat, then by train.



Lieutenant, how long would it take you

to fly to Warsaw?



Seven hours.



It's imperative that list never falls

into the Gestapo's hands.



Take this. Find him and kill him.



-I will, sir.

-Coming up on the jump site, sir.



Good luck.






Three hundred years to build a city

and in three weeks they wreck it.



Heil Hitler.



-Where's Bronski?

-At the German Censorship Board. . .



. . .trying to convince them

Shakespeare wasn't Jewish.



Shakespeare wasn't Jewish? Go figure.



Hold it, Gruba. He's coming.







-Thanks, Dobish.

-Mr. Bronski, I could talk to you?



-What is it? Who's this?

-My cousin, Rifka.



She was bombed out.

She's a Jew. She has nowhere to go.



-Could I keep her downstairs with me?

-All right. Keep it quiet.



-Thank you, Mr. Bronski.

-Who are they?



You expect her to leave a husband

and son behind? You crazy?



-I must be. All right, go inside.

-Thank you, Mr. Bronski. Thank you.



Mr. Bronski, I've got a notice

for you from the Gestapo.



-The Gestapo?




What? They're turning my house

into Gestapo headquarters.



-They are?

-No, they're not.



They cut off my gasoline, closed my

bank account, took my stickpin.



Took my pinkie ring

and the top of my gold cane.



But they are not, I repeat,

not taking my house.






Got everything?






Everything they're allowing us

to take.









Excuse me. You're sitting

in Col. Erhardt's chair.



Forgive me, I have a rotten memory.

Ten minutes ago, it was my chair.






Fifteen years

we've lived in this house.



Come, sweetheart, come. Let's go.



Don't look back. Don't look back.



Just one more to go.



Sasha, we can't thank you enough

for taking us in.



Oh, think nothing of it.

My house is your house.



Here we are.



Voilà. Your new home.



Oh, Sasha, it's so. . . .



It's-- It's-- It's--

-It's a rathole.



Don't you dare call this place

a rathole.



He's sharing everything he has.



It's charming. I love it.

Oh, we're gonna be very happy here.



Forgive me. I'm not myself. Come on,

let's get the rest of the things.



Oh, Mutki, we're living

in a rathole.






Stay back.

Who is it?






What do you want?






It's Sobinski, let me in.



-Oh, "To be or not to be. "

-I must see Anna.



Where do they live?



You know that beautiful house

on Posnan Street?



Don't go there.

They don't live there anymore.



-It's Gestapo headquarters.

-Where do they live?



They moved in with Sasha.

Kubelski St., number   .



Kubelski St., number   . Thank you.



Oh! Ow!



-Why are you getting dressed?

-I'm going out.



What the hell's that pink thing?



Haven't you heard?

The latest fashion in occupied Poland.



Jews wear yellow stars.

Homosexuals wear pink triangles.



Oh, Sasha! How awful for you.



I hate it.



It clashes with everything.



-They're rounding up Jews. Are they--?

-No, not yet. So far, so good.



-When are you coming back?

-Don't wait up. I've got a date. . .



. . .with another triangle.



Are you my precious little

sweet potato, and are you hungry?



Is your little belly hungry?

Sweetheart, come. Here we go.






-Andre! Come in.




-How did you get here?




You parachuted in to see me?

You could've been killed.



You mad, impetuous, romantic darling.



-Foolish boy, you shouldn't have.

-I didn't.




-I was sent by British lntelligence.



-British lntelligence?

-I've got to stop a dangerous man.



-Who? What?

-His name is Professor Siletski.



-On radio? The Voice of Free Poland?

-He is a traitor. A German agent.



He's coming with a list of everyone

in the Polish Underground.



If he reaches the Gestapo,

every person on that list will die.



Where is he?



-He arrives by train tomorrow morning.

-How are you gonna stop him?



I don't know. Right now,

I can't think. I'm exhausted.



-You must get some rest.

-I didn't mean to get you involved.



I had nowhere to go.

German patrols are everywhere.



-Can I sleep on your sofa?





-You take the bed.



-What about your husband?

-He'll take the sofa.



-Here, get out of those wet things.

-What about you?



I'll wait for Bronski.



If he finds you in that bed

without an explanation. . .



. . .we'll all be doing

"Highlights from Othello. "



I better get dressed.



Here,   .









-May I help you, gentlemen?

-Anna Bronski?




-Come with us.



-Why? I haven't done anything.

-Just come along. Please.



I'll get my coat.






-   .




Good evening, Mrs. Bronski.

I am Professor Siletski.




-Is something wrong?



No. I'm curious to know

why I was brought here.



I'll come to the point.

I'm going to read something to you.



I want you to tell me what it means.



-"To be or no to be. "

-Hamlet. Act   Scene   .



-Is this a theatre quiz?

-Not quite.



This message was sent to you

from England.



We thought it might

have another, more secret meaning.



More secret? Oh, more secret meaning.

Yes, a more secret meaning.



Yes, it does. It does.



It means, and I hope it won't

go any further than this room--



You see, my husband is that great

Polish actor, Frederick Bronski.






He's world-famous in Poland.



His favorite soliloquy is,

"To be or not to be. "



He takes     minutes to get through it.



I thought that might be a good time

to invite this young flier backstage.



Just to chat, nothing more.



Well, he turned out to be quite

intelligent and humorous and. . .



. . .tall.



Well, I begin to understand.



This is just a secret love code

between you and your young lieutenant.



-Well. . . .

-Well, I am relieved.



I apologize for having brought

you here. You see--






Forgive me.



Siletski. Hello, Colonel Erhardt.




Thanks for sending the plane

to Sweden. The train takes forever.



Oh, yes, yes. I have the list.



Good,    :   tomorrow at Gestapo

headquarters unless I hear from you.



Yes. I am looking forward

to meeting you too. Heil Hitler.



I won't keep you any longer.

Thank you for, "To be or not to be. "



Wait. It seems I have the night off.



Why don't you stay

and have dinner with me?



We representatives of the Third Reich

can be quite charming on occasion. . .



. . .if given half a chance.



Perhaps I could convince you

to join our cause.



I'd love to have dinner

with you, professor.



But just as you'd like to present

Germany in the best light. . .



. . .I'd like to plead the Polish case

dressed in something more special.



Of course. Hurry back.



May l?



You're drooling.



Thank you.



This lady is permitted to leave.



This is a difficult place to get into,

but even more difficult to get out of.



-Au revoir.

-I kiss your hand. . .



. . .for now.



Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart.



So many hours with those Nazi censors!

And there's some more bad news.



They want us to cut out

the gypsy number.



It seems they don't like

gypsies either.



Let's face it, sweetheart. . .



. . .without Jews, fags and gypsies,

there is no theatre.






I know, I know.

That's what I told them.



But there's nothing,

nothing they're gonna do about it.



I'm so tired. So tired.



Sweetheart, I'm so tired.



You feel good.



When this war's over,

I'm gonna get you everything you need.



You need a coat.

You need a dress.



You need shoes.



And you need a shave.



A shave?



"To be or not to be. "



Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Pardon me.



Talk, and talk fast.

Who the hell are you?



ANNA: Andre.

-Your voice!







What is Andre doing in my bed?



-Siletski's here.




-He's here? How?

-He came by plane.



-You sure?

-I was just with him.




-And I'm going back.




-Good? Who are you?







-Then who's Solinski?

-Siletski. A spy.



I heard him talking with Erhardt,

the head of the Gestapo.



Siletski has that list. He'll take it

to the Gestapo tomorrow, or tonight.



-What are you talking about?

-What do I do?



Keep Siletski there. He mustn't

get to Erhardt with the list.



If he's dangerous, why send her back?



-Somebody's got to stop him.

-Wait a minute.



Siletski and Erhardt haven't met.

If we find someone to play Erhardt. . . .



-A good actor.

-A great actor.



A dead actor.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me.



Look at me!

I'll never get away with this.



Who'd believe I'm Erhardt?

That this is Gestapo headquarters?



-The flags!

-Give me Hitler.



Relax. Siletski's never met Erhardt.

He doesn't know what he looks like.



If we all play our parts properly,

he'll never suspect a thing.



Me my moe!



-Dobish! Let's rehearse the scene.

-All right.



-Heil Hitler.

-Heil Hitler. All right, I've got it.






It took longer than I thought.

I hope the effect was worth it.



It was definitely worth it.



I would die for the Führer any time,

except for the next few hours.



Come, my dear. Shall we go?



-Go? Where? What?

-I've booked a table at Ladow's.



It's getting late. The Gestapo

won't be calling anymore tonight.



Ladow's. What a lovely surprise.



Oh, a piano!



I haven't seen one in ages.



And with keys!



And it works.



Come, my dear.

I'm afraid we're running--



You and the night and the music



Fill me with flaming desire



Setting my being completely



On fire




The flags. Don't forget the flags!



Hurry up. We're late.






-You drive like an understudy.

-I won't take that from you.



Will you stop?

How long can Anna keep him there?










Heart and soul I fell in love with you

Heart and soul



The way a fool would do




Because you held me tight

And stole a kiss in the night



Darling, your little recital is over.

Time to go.



-But I wasn't finished.

-Yes, you were.



Are we mad? Are we insane?

What are we doing?



We're going out

to a noisy restaurant. . .



. . .when we could dine here,

in this beautiful hotel suite.



-Professor Siletski's room.

-   . Who may I announce?



We will announce ourselves.



-Button your collar.

-Yes, sir.



-Why don't we call room service?

-This is German military headquarters.



There is no room service.



-Then why don't we just skip dinner?

-Yes. Why don't we?






-Heil Hitler.

-Heil Hitler.



I am Captain Krause,

from Col. Erhardt's staff.



There's been a change in

the colonel's plans.



-He will see you immediately.

-Of course. Let me get my papers.



-I am devastated.

-Can't you send them away?



I know how you feel,

but I'll be back.



The Gestapo is busy.

They'll gladly get rid of me.



I'll count the moments.






Two. Three.






Five, six, seven, eight, nine,

        ,                . . . .



Halt. Just a moment.

Where are you going?



The professor left.

I thought I'd go home.



He left no instructions.

You will have to wait.



But that's impossible.



There is nothing I can do. Fritz,

escort Mrs. Bronski back to    .



They're coming. Get ready.



Right this way, professor.



Heil Hitler.



He's here.



Get the list, learn who his contacts

are, then call me. I'll do the rest.



-Delighted to meet you.




I'm rehearsing.

"Delighted to meet you. "



You're playing for our lives.



-I'll give my greatest performance.

-Don't. Just be good.



Just show him in.



"Good evening, professor.

Delighted to meet you. "



"Good evening, professor.

Delighted to meet you. "



-Professor Siletski, please.

-Good evening, professor.



-"Delighted to meet you. "

-Delighted to meet you.






-Good to breathe Gestapo air again.

-It is?



We're so used to it,

we hardly smell it anymore.



-Won't you come in?

-Thank you.



-Have a seat.

-Colonel, you're famous in London.



-I am?

-As "Concentration Camp" Erhardt.



Well, that's because

we do the concentrating. . .



. . .and the Poles do the camping.

Get it?



Actually, no.




-You wanted to see me?



-That's why you're here.

-It's about the list.



-Of course. You brought it with you?

-Of course.



-Of course.

-This is the end of the Underground.



-And the Polish squadron's families.

-I see. Very comprehensive, indeed.



They're as good as dead.

Well, excellent work, professor.



-Thank you.

-I'll get my staff started on these.



I'll send the duplicate to Berlin

in the morning.






I think it's red tape,

but Berlin wanted it.



Well, Berlin always knows

what it's doing, professor.



You keep the duplicate

locked in the hotel safe?



Better. It's locked in my trunk.

The entire hotel is a safe.



Of course. Wehrmacht Headquarters.

Naturally. Good.



Good. Good. Good. Good. . . .






Excuse me. Excuse me, professor.



No calls when I'm with the professor.

I thought I told you that.



Thank you.



Well, professor.



I wanna get started on these names.

I'll be back in a moment.



Very good work indeed.



"The entire hotel is a safe. "

Of course. How droll, how droll.



-Did you get the list?




-I'll take care of him.




He has a duplicate at the hotel,

locked in his trunk.



We've got to get it. Go back and stall

him while we figure something out.



Think fast. I'm an actor. I need

lines. I stink without a script!



He stinks with a script.



I heard that.



So they call me

"Concentration Camp" Erhardt?



I must get back to the hotel.

There's someone waiting for me.



-How is Anna Bronski?

-How did you--?



The Gestapo knows everything.

Sit. Tell me about her.



I had official questions to ask, and I

discovered that she was good company.



Good company?

Hasn't she got a husband?



Isn't she married to that famous actor

Frederick Bronski? You've seen him?







What does that matter? She not only

has a husband, she has a lover.



-She does?

-Yes, a certain Lt. Sobinski.



They have a secret love code.



Whenever her silly husband was on-stage

emoting, "To be or not to be" . . .



. . .that was the signal

for their backstage rendezvous.



I knew it!



We at the Gestapo know everything.



So they call me

"Concentration Camp" Erhardt?



-Back to Mrs. Bronski.

-Why don't we forget her?



Yes, why don't we? She's just a cheap,

common, promiscuous little--



-I think I know what you mean.

-I know, Mr. Bronski.



Now, up with your hands.



I don't know

if you ever played a corpse. . .



. . .but you'll be one

unless you do as I say.



Tell your friends at the door

to clear away from there.



I won't do it.



Get up against that wall.



You're a Pole.

How do you live with yourself?



-Turn around!

-No. I wanna see it coming.



-I don't have to see it coming.

-Goodbye, Mr. Bronski.



-Long live Poland.

ANDRE: Watch out! He's got a gun!



-What happened?

-He missed!



-Where is he?

-In the theatre. Hurry!



The doors are locked.

He can't get out. Hit the spot!



Not on me, you dope. Find Siletski.



ANDRE: Be careful, he's got a gun.

Check the balcony.



Somebody get those boxes.



There he is!









Heil Hitler! I am Captain Schultz

of Colonel Erhardt's staff.



-Professor Siletski isn't here.

-I know that.



I will wait.



-But he may not be back all night.

-I will wait.



They say it's going to be

a cold winter.



I don't know anything about that.



Professor Siletski, your key.




-You're welcome.



-Good night.







-Professor Siletski?




I'm Captain Schultz

of Colonel Erhardt's staff.



Pleasure to make your acquaintance.



Professor Siletski,

I'm so glad you're back.



Ah, Madam Bronski.



I thought you'd be gone.

I'm delighted you're here.



You didn't leave word at the desk.

They wouldn't let me out.



Now that you're back, I don't regret

I waited. How is Professor Siletski?






Absolutely dead.



It's been such a long day.



-Professor, Colonel Erhardt--

-I'm to see him tomorrow at     a.m.



No. There's been a change.

He's expecting you now.







-Now. Those are my orders.



I see. Before I go, would you mind

stepping out for a moment?



I'd like to talk in private

with Mrs. Bronski.



-Of course.

-Thank you.



-He's dead?

-Dead as a doornail.



-What are you doing?

-Opening his trunk.



Why? What's in it?



A duplicate. He made a copy

of the list.



-What are you going to do?

-Burn it up.



Put it in here. Oh, sugarplum,

I'm so glad you're okay.



Don't "sugarplum" me,

save it for Lieutenant Sobinski.



What did you do with Siletski's body?



Never mind Siletski's body.

What did you do with Sobinski's body?



How can you ask that

at a time like this?



Schultz is ready to take you

to Erhardt, who's head of the Gestapo.



The Gestapo, I forgot.



I don't think I can do it.

I can't get away with it.



Yes, you can. You can and you will!



You're a great actor. You even look

like Siletski. Big nose, beady eyes.



-You'll be a better Siletski than him.

-I hope so, he's dead. Beady eyes?



Sorry, sweetheart.












Good luck.



If I don't come back alive. . .



. . .I forgive you for what happened

between you and Sobinski.



But if I do come back,

you're in a lot of trouble!



Wasn't this the Europa Hotel before

becoming German military headquarters?



I don't know anything about that.



-Mrs. Bronski has permission to leave.

-Yes, professor.



-Wait here, please. I'll announce you.

-Thank you.



Colonel Erhardt's office. What?

You shot two Underground members?



Give me their names.



Stephan Revanski

und Jan Petrovski, good.



What do you mean, you haven't

got proof? That's no excuse.



Arrest them!



What? Why? Where? When?



From now on, when in doubt, arrest

them! Arrest them, arrest them!



Then shoot and interrogate them.



You are right. Just shoot them.



Heil Hitler.







It's good to breathe

the Gestapo air again.



-Oh, it is?

-You're probably so used to it. . .



. . .you don't even smell it anymore.



-May I take your coat?

-Thank you.



-Sit down, professor.

-Thank you.




-No, thank you.







Chocolate-covered nougats?



-Chocolate-covered what?




No, thank you.



Well, professor. . .



. . .I have good news for you.



-A friend of yours is coming to Warsaw.




The Führer himself. I know you'll be

delighted to see him again.



Well, who, who knows him, wouldn't?






How long since you've seen him,




Too long. Much too long.



Well, Professor Siletski. . . .



Well, Colonel Erhardt. . . .



You know, you're quite famous

in London.



-Really? I am?

-Yes, you are.



They call you

"Concentration Camp" Erhardt.



So they call me

"Concentration Camp" Erhardt.



-I thought you'd react like that.








No, thanks.



Brandy. That reminds me

of a funny story going around Warsaw.



A story about our Führer.

How does it go?



Oh, yes, they named

a brandy after Napoleon.



They made a herring out of Bismarck.

And Hitler will end up as a pickle.



-A pickle?

-Yes, because he is such a sourpuss.



That's not funny.

The Führer won't find it funny.



-Do you think it's funny?

-No! I hate it.



Please, professor.



Now, professor,

what about the Underground movement?



Yes, the Underground movement.



-Well, let's get down to details.

-Yes, let's.



-There are no details.

-What? But you have the list.



I'm compiling it.

But more important. . .



. . .I have the name of the head

of the entire Polish Underground.




Schultz! Schultz!



-Now, what is his name?




-Stephan Revanski?




You don't have to worry about him.

He's dead. We shot him.



I refuse to believe it.

You shot him?



Do you realize who you shot?



I risked my life to get him,

and you shoot him.



Well, l--



Wait, we can still save the situation.

I know his second-in-command.



-Good. What's his name?




-Jan Petrovski?

-Yes, exactly.



We shot him.



You shot Petrovski!

Whose side are you on, anyway?



Shouldn't we question them

before we shoot them?



Yes! Shouldn't we question them

before we shoot them?



But, colonel, you yourself signed. . . .



-Heil Hitler!

-Heil Hitler!



Schultz, get out!



Yes, sir.



There's something wrong with

a man who doesn't drink or smoke!



-Like our Führer?

-Yes. No!



Well, I must be going.



When you see the Führer, I hope you

won't mention the smoking or drinking.



Or the pickle?



No, I wouldn't want to ruin you.



-I must go. I'm keeping a lady waiting.

-Mrs. Bronski?



-How did you know?

-We at the Gestapo know everything.



Then you know her husband,

Frederick Bronski.



-Yes, I do.

-You do?



I saw him on a stage before the war.



-You did?




-And about his performance. . . .




What he did to Hamlet

we are now doing to Poland.



Good night, colonel.



Let me tell you something.



I wouldn't repeat any jokes

about the Führer.



No, never. Never!



Never again!



Made it. Made it!



I did it. Sweetheart, I did it.

I fooled him, l--



I did it. I did it.



I fooled him. I did it.



I made it.



I gave the greatest performance

of my life. . .



. . .and nobody saw it.



Where is Sasha?

Of all days not to show--



Hide me!



They're putting homosexuals

into concentration camps.



I have a list of lovely things



That make my life complete



And at the top

You'll find the thing



That makes my poor heart beat



It isn 't money or power

Or a castle rising in Spain



It's a simple word

That you've often heard



But let me repeat it again



That word is "Iadies"



Those wonderful ladies



Those fabulous ladies



They're driving me wild



I'm talkin ' ladies



All ages of ladies



From   s to   s



They've got me beguiled




Out of the way.



I love those ladies



Those glamorous ladies



Over-amorous ladies



They're simply divine



I don 't care if I'm headed

For heaven or headed for...






As long as there's ladies



Oh ladies be mine



I told you there was no one in there.






You invade Poland, Warsaw,

and now my dressing room.



You people are compulsive invaders.



-He loves the ladies

-They smell ofperfume



-Those wonderful ladies

-They light up a room



-Those fabulous ladies

-Soft and sweet as a rose



-They're driving him wild

-In or out of their clothes



-I'm talkin '




-I certainly am

-Those heartbreaking ladies



Those breathtaking ladies



They've got me beguiled



-He calls us ladies

-But there's one that's the best



-His glamorous ladies

-Stands out from the rest



-Over-amorous ladies

-Here's the one that I mean



She's a princess

No no she's a queen






...although the Lucilles

And the Sallys and Susies and...






May be beautiful ladies



This lady's my queen



-What are you doing?

-Help me, they're after me.






Get him!







Wait a minute!

We're doing a show here.



-He's under arrest.

-Just a moment. You made a mistake.



-He's a performer!

-Take him away.



Don't, they'll take you too.



Wait a minute. I am Anna Bronski,

and this is my friend.



Take him away!



-Oh, Sasha.








Bring that curtain down. This theatre

is closed. Everyone must leave at once!



Why am I being taken

to Gestapo headquarters?



My orders are to bring you to Erhardt.

That's all I can say.






Chief of police keeps me

waiting an hour and a half.



Then comes in and says, "Nobody knows

where they're holding Sasha. "



I used to command respect

to this city--



What's that?



The Gestapo arrested Anna.

She's at Erhardt's office.



-My God!

-I've got to get her out.



Are you crazy? You walk in with a gun,

they'll shoot you down.



She's my wife. If there's any,

"I'll get her out," those are my lines.



-How are you gonna do it?

-I don't know.



Let me think. Let me think!



-Siletski! I can play him again.




Where did I put that beard?



Get that out of the way.



Hurry up, we're late.






-Mrs. Bronski.

-Ah, Mrs. Bronski, Mrs. Bronski.



-We're all here.

-So happy you could come.



I am Colonel Erhardt.



Won't you sit down?



Forgive me for calling you

on short notice.



I'm taking advantage of the fact that

we have a mutual friend. Siletski.



In that case I'm puzzled,

Colonel Erhardt.



-Why am I under arrest?




Get out.



No, I brought you here because

I have some wonderful news for you.



Tonight, you and your theatre company

will perform for the Führer.



He's paying a surprise visit to Warsaw.



What a great honor.

We really don't deserve it.



-Besides, we can't do it.

-You can't?



No. Our theatre's been closed.

It's boarded up.



Who closed it?



The Gestapo.



Excuse me.






What idiot gave the order to close

the Bronski Theatre?



You did, sir.



Open it up immediately.



And stop blaming everything

that goes wrong on me!



But, colonel, I was only obeying--

All I was doing-- Heil Hitler.



Heil Hitler!



He gets out of everything with that

Heil Hitler.



Mrs. Bronski, I had the pleasure

of seeing you on the stage once.



You're even more beautiful in person.



Would it be too forward of me. . .



. . .to propose a champagne supper

after the performance this evening?



I'd love to. But I'm already having

a candlelight dinner with Siletski.



Any chance we could have

supper after dinner?



-I'm sorry. I never sup after I dine.




I don't want to take advantage

of our new friendship.



But when they closed our theatre,

they arrested my dresser.



Since I'm going to perform tonight,

do you think he could be released?



-What is his name?

-Sasha Kinski.



Sasha Kinski?



Yes. He's being held downstairs.

He's set for transfer tomorrow.



-What does that mean?

-You better find a new dresser.






Excuse me.









You sure it is his body?



Positive identification.



This is terrible. Terrible!



Mrs. Bronski, please. Sit down.



I'm afraid l-- I'm afraid I have

very bad news for you.



Your friend, our friend, Siletski,

has been killed. He's dead.



His body was found in a trunk.



Well. . . .



I guess you're free

for dinner tonight.



It's a bit of a shock.

I'm still a little upset.



Naturally, naturally.






Forgive me. This is an emergency.

Siletski's on the phone.






What? Professor Siletski?



-Did you tell him he was dead?







Hello, Professor Siletski.

It's good to hear your voice.



How are you?



-How are you feeling?

-He's alive?



No, he's still dead.

This is obviously an imposter.



I can see you in    minutes.



Is that good for you,

Professor Siletski? Fine.



We'll be waiting for you.



I must run, there's so much to do.



I'm so sorry.



See you later.



-Right after the show.













About Professor Siletski.

Let's prepare a surprise for him.



As soon as he comes,

let's get a whole--



-Am I all right?




No, wait!

The beard, it's coming loose.



Oh, God, you're right.



I'm gonna take a spare.

You never know. Just in case.



Sobinski, look.

If something goes wrong. . .



. . .I don't blame you for falling

in love with her. It's easy.



-Good luck.

-No! Don't say that, it's bad luck.



-What do you say to say good luck?

-You say, "Break a leg. "



Break a leg!






What happened?



I tripped. I almost broke a leg.



Don't say, "Break a leg" anymore.



Good luck.



Thank you, thank you. Goodbye.



-Professor Siletski.

-Heil Hitler!



Heil Hitler.



-How's the professor?

-Fine. How's the colonel?



Excellent. Pity you didn't get here

sooner. You just missed Madam Bronski.



-She's gone?

-She went to the theatre.



They're doing a show for

your friend, the Führer.



Oh! I'll be going too.



Would you wait in my office?



I have a few matters to take up with

these men. Then we'll get to you.



-If it's not too much trouble.

-No, no trouble at all.



No, no trouble.



No trouble.



No trouble.






Don't move. I'll be right back.






-He should've cracked by now.




Give him time to think.

This is the intellectual approach.



-What if he isn't an intellectual?

-They'll break every bone in his body.



Excuse me. I tried to open a

conversation with your friend.



-He seems to be slightly dead.

-No! Really?



Let's go and see.



You're very observant, professor.

He is dead.



Have you observed he looks

a little bit like you?



-He's a dead ringer for me.

-Or versa vice-a.



-Obviously, one of us is an imposter.




-It looks bad for me.

-Doesn't look good.



-Did you know him?

-Never met him.



You must have observed him for months.



-It takes that long to grow a beard.




Yes, Schultz. Except for one thing:

I might be wearing a false beard.



Very funny. A clever agent like you

wearing a false beard.



Maybe he's wearing a false beard.

Why don't you convince yourself?



-Why don't you pull his beard?

-All right, I will.



-I can't do it.

-Too sensitive?



You can murder a man in cold blood,

but you can't pull his beard?



Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh. . . .



Good work. I can't wait to see

the Führer's face when I tell him.



Schultz, you put me in this position!



-You yourself gave the order.

-Shifting your responsibility again?



All you ever do is shift!



-But, colonel--!

-Get out. All of you.



Professor. . . .



I don't know how to apologize.

What can I do to make up for this?



-There is something.

-Yes, anything.



Mrs. Bronski is performing. It would

be wonderful to release her dresser.




He's scheduled for transport.



Remember, I'm seeing the Führer.

Who knows what we'll talk about!



No-- Schultz!



Release the sissy.



-Which sissy?

-The one from the Bronski Theatre.



Bring him here.






I knew it was you. I had to satisfy

the curiosity of those dummkopfs.



To put your mind at rest,

would you like to pull my beard?



Please, professor. Don't rub it in.



-I'm sorry.

RAVITCH: Where is Erhardt's office?



SCHULTZ: You can't go in there.

-Arrest him!







I'm General Von Seidelman,

head of the Führer's safety squad.



I arrived this morning and in one hour,

I discover a plot against him.



-Can't I rely on anybody?




-He's an imposter.

-Shut up.



I will not. Are you blind? Any fool

can see he's wearing a false beard.



You didn't even pull on it.



-What do you have to say?




-Who is this?

-A prisoner.



I was going to release him

in the imposter's custody--



I'll take charge myself.

There will be a reorganization here.



Believe me, heads will roll.



You will hear from me.

You haven't heard the last of this.







Remember, we've gotta be convincing.



The dress circle will be

protected by Hitler's guard.



If they suspect anything, they'll

shoot first and ask questions later.



Be certain Hitler's in his box

before the diversion.



And I am the diversion.



All your life you've wanted

to play Shylock. Please, be wonderful.



Don't worry, I can do it.



With a little luck, tomorrow night. . .



. . .we'll all be in England.



-Me too?

-Of course, you too.



-And them?

-What them?



This them.



What's going on here?



We started with three.

What are they, Jews or rabbits?



-How can we take them?

-How can we leave them?



All right, we'll take them.



Come on. It's half-hour.

Let's get ready.



Heil Hitler.


















Achtung! Achtung!







Sieg Heil!




Heil Hitler!


















GRUBA: Hurry! Get them into

these clown costumes.



Sasha, the gold stars.



I got one more star to do.






SASHA: Hurry up.

GRUBA: Hurry. Go!










The Führer!






-How did you get here?

-I was born here.



And what made you decide to die here?






-What do you want from the Führer?

-What does he want from us?



-Aren't we human?

-Silence, Jew.



Let him speak.



Hath not a Jew eyes?

Hath not a Jew hands?



Organs, dimensions, senses,

affections, passions?



Fed with the same food.

Hurt with the same weapons.



Subject to the same diseases.



If you prick us, do we not bleed?

lf you tickle us, do we not laugh?



If you poison us, do we not die?



And if you wrong us. . .



. . .shall we not revenge?






Bring this man to my headquarters.

I want to question him myself.



-You were wonderful.

-Thank you.




Absolutely disgraceful.



How could this have happened?



I must advise you to leave.



We'll follow you to the airport.



No! You will stay and search

the theatre for other infiltrators.



Come, Mein Führer.

Heil Hitler!



-Heil Hitler!

BRONSKl: Heil myself.















Go, go, go!



All right. Here.



-Come on.

-Come on, hurry.









-You're early.

-I know. I just couldn't wait.



You can't stay.

I'm expecting a high-ranking person.



I doubt if he outranks me.



He's very jealous.

He mustn't see you here.



Don't worry, liebchen. Just consider

yourself in the arms of the Gestapo.



What are you doing?



-Heil Hitler!

-To the airport.



Hurry, they're going!



-Anna should be here.

-I'll get her.



I'll get her. I'm her husband.



Get back to the truck

and get into your SS uniform. Hurry.




-I'll give you butter rations!



I'll give you three eggs a week.





-I'll throw in a chicken!



-Sweetheart, are you all right?

-Mein Führer!







ERHARDT: Hitler.







-I told him somebody big was coming.

-Big, but--



Come, schatzi we're late.



What's your name?



Colonel Er. . . .




-Thank you.



Erhardt? Erhardt?



Aren't you the one who makes a joke

about my becoming a pickle?



-The Führer.

-Heil Hitler!



-Heil Hitler.

-Herr General.



You and your men are relieved.

I am in charge of the Führer's safety.



That is the Führer's bomb squad.

There may be a bomb on the plane.



-Take your men to a safe distance.

-With all due respect, I have orders.



No one is allowed near the plane

under any circumstances.



Von Seidelman, what's going on?



Heil Hitler.






I'll check out the cockpit.



Bomb squad, check the Führer's plane.




Come on! Hurry up, let's go.



Hurry up.






BIELER: Go down.

MAN: Don't stop.



MAN: Give me the gun.

BIELER: Come on, hurry.









Hurry! Get into the plane!



Hurry, hurry!



No! No, Anna, no!






ANNA: Come on, honey.

BRONSKl: Come on!



Good, Mutki. Good!




Come on. Please, Mutki!



Jump, baby, jump.

Baby, please jump!



Are you all right? Will it fly?



It's just a compass.

We don't need it.






-What's wrong?

-We won't clear those telephone wires.



Hurry! Everybody run to the back!






-We're on our way!

-We're on our way!






-What's happening?

-We're out of fuel. I'll have to land.



It's hard to see. Is that England?



I think so, but without this compass,

I can't be sure.



We'll know soon enough.



-What's going on?

-We're out of fuel.



-We're coming in for a landing.

-What's going on?



We're gonna land.

Tell everyone to brace themselves.



We're gonna land. Brace yourselves!



-Where are we?

-We're not quite sure.



-Where are we?

-We're not quite sure.



We're not quite sure.






Don't get moody.



-How's your feet?




Bless your heart.

Okay, who's next?






Stay here. Just in case this is German

occupied territory, I better go first.



Excuse me!



-Is this England?

-Oh, my God.



Mr. and Mrs. Bronski, His Majesty's

government is in your debt.



If there is any way we could repay

your gallant service to the Crown. . .



. . .would you please let us know?



Well, general, since this

is the land of Shakespeare. . .



. . .it would give me great pleasure,

nay, great honor, if I could, well. . . .



What he's trying to say. . .



. . .is he would love to do his

famous "Highlights from Hamlet. "



-Why, certainly.

BRONSKl: Thank you.






The show's just started.

Right this way, please.



RAVITCH: ls not more ugly

to the thing that helps it. . .



. . .than is my deed

to my most painted word.



O heavy burthen.



I hear the handsome young prince

coming. Let us withdraw, my lord.



To be. . .



. . .or not to be



That is the question.



Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows--




Excuse me. Pardon me.



Excuse me. Pardon me.



Excuse me.



--of outrageous fortune. . . .


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