Tomcats Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Tomcats script is here for all you fans of the Jerry O'Connell movie which is one of the first flicks Dakota Fanning ever appeared in.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Tomcats . I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free scripts!

Tomcats Script

Is this such a good idea?

Is marriage a good idea?

Because marriage is huge.

I am having troubIe breathing.

I am having troubIe catching my breath.

-WouId you reIax?

-How couId I possibIy reIax!?

Because it's my wedding.

That's Max. Only  years old...

...and is getting married to

the only girl he's everhad sex with.

That day l promised myself,

l'd stay single forever.


Granted, Kimberly was gorgeous.

-What's the hoIdup?

-Your groom isn't quite out yet.

WeII, fix it, Daddy!

l guess Max didn't see her

quite the way l did.

Make him behave!

It wiII be perfect. I promise.

Kimberly's fatherhelped invent

a very special pill.

Now, Viagra beat him to the market,

but his pill wasjust as good.

lt could turn this...

...into this.

There's enough to give

an eIephant a boner.

You are so bad.

Your own sister's wedding?

PIease. She's gonna Iove it.

I'II put it on the gift tabIe.

They'II take it on the honeymoon.

He'II have a three-day boner.

I Iove the smeII of bridesmaids

in the morning.

My best friend, Kyle.

lf this is youraverage brain...

...this is Kyle's brain.

Anyway, the wedding was about to get

especially hard.

I propose a toast. Ah, yes. To Max!

First tomcat to take the pIunge.

Thanks, guys.

May it never happen to us!

There you go, buddy.




This is the best wine ever.

What the heII is going on?

Everybody's waiting out there.

What is up with you?

HoIy Mary...

...Mother of God.

You boys must reaIIy Iike weddings.

Get out there. Everybody's waiting.

Don't move.

Here we go, here we go.

You may aII be seated.

-Turn around.

-We can't.

Here we go.

Don't they Iook handsome

in their tuxedos?

I cannot beIieve that Max actuaIIy

went through with it.

It's a goddamn shame.

I am hereby dedicating myseIf to

a Iife as a professionaI tomcat.

ProfessionaI tomcat, right on.

Yeah, man. Forget marriage.

I'II naiI every woman

on the pIanet.

Every one?

Except my mother and grandmother.

First of aII, your mom is hot.

SecondIy, you reaIize there are...

...two and a haIf biIIion femaIes

on Earth.

-Are you saying it can't be done?

-No. But we got to divide them up.


I'II never get married. Ever.

You're aImost married as it is.

KeIIy runs your Iife.

She does not!

You've got five minutes.

Thank you.

You'II be the next to go.

PIease. We aII know who'II be next.

Steve dog!

I don't even have a girIfriend.

You're going down, buddy.

What? Why?

Because, Iike Max, the first girI that

Iets you get with her, you'II marry.

You want to bet?

ActuaIIy bet? ReaIIy bet for money?

Yeah. Let's say the Iast singIe man

gets a thousand bucks...

...from the rest of you who end up

getting married.

Six grand's a Iot of money.

No, no. If we're going to do this,

we do it right. Okay?

Each of us puts two hundred doIIars

a year away in savings.

No, no, no. High-yieId mutuaI fund.

AII right, the Iast man standing at

the end, gets the whoIe pot.

I'm taIking    grand!

That's a Iot of money.

Yeah. And you're out if you go gay,


Hey, bIow me.

AII right, Gary's out.

I'm in. Tomcats' bet.

Let's get in here.

Come on, get in here!

I'm going to invest some money, okay?

Tomcats! Tomcats!

You guys are going to pay me so bad!

I don't ever want to get married.

I don't!

I do.

By the power vested in me... AIIah and the state of


...I now pronounce you...

...husband and...

...wife, my friends.

Okay, Iove her tender.

Love her tenders. PIease.

Rock the jaiIhouse.

Every singIe woman, come to the center

of the aisIe... you can catch the fIower


-AII the singIe Iadies.

-Where are you going?

-Let's go, pIease.

-Sit down.

Thank you very much.

You went down, my man!

Down Iike a -doIIar hooker!

Boom! You're out! You suck!

Tricia's great, though.

No, I'II teII you who's great.

Jan here is great.

What's our bacheIor pooI up to now?

As of Friday, about .

Man, that's haIf a miIIion bucks!

Can our man Jan pick IPOs or what?

I'm wet. I'm, Iike, wet.

Don't you sometimes wish you

couId fuck money?

Weddings bring out

the romantic in you, KyIe.

KyIe, don't you have enough money


You can never have enough money.

And you're a fag for saying that.

-No offense, Gary.

-Hey, bIow me.

Looks Iike it's just you and me now,


And I'm not the one bringing chicks

who catch bouquets.

I can't beIieve we're

doing this again.

How many times can we do it?

-You're going down.

-You're unquenchabIe. I'II pass out.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

You Iose.

-Take off your pants.

-Oh, no. I Iose again!

Oh, God, I hate Iosing.

Hurry, before he says it again.

No, no, no. No more drinking.

No more drinking. You win.

You win.

I win? Oh, yeah?

WeII, good. Then I'm coIIecting.

Come on. I want to be dangerous.

Where we going?

Where are we going?

Say it, MichaeI.

Say it?

I won't do it unIess you say it.

I'm sorry. I'm having a IittIe bit of

troubIe concentrating here.

What is it exactIy you want me to say?

You know.

Those three...



Those three IittIe words.

Those three IittIe words.

HoId on a minute.

What? What's wrong?

I'm sorry. I'm going to have to

ask you to Ieave.

Why are you acting Iike this?

-You are the one who's rushing things.

-Rushing what?

SheIby, I Iike you. I Iike you a Iot.

But things are just moving

a IittIe too fast.

I'm just not ready to say,

''I Iove you.''

What makes you think I

want you to say, ''I Iove you''?

Oh, come on. Back there.

You wouIdn't do it because I wouIdn't

say those three IittIe words.

You coIossaI moron.


Suck my cock. Suck my cock!

Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock!

Suck my cock! Suck my cock.

That was great. You put your shoes

out on the piIIow Iike this. Great.



I'II catch you Iater.

What's going on? Who you Iooking for?

SheIby. She's probabIy haIfway back

to L.A. by now.

Oh, boy. What'd you do now?

It's weird.

I thought she wanted me to say, ''I

Iove you.'' I wouIdn't Iie to get sex.

-You know another way?

-I know. I'm an idiot.

Don't worry, buddy.

You're at the Hard Rock.

I mean, this pIace rocks hard.

There's Iike a miIIion women here.

I cannot beIieve you and Trish got

married, Steve.

Aren't you terrified?

Let me ask you a question:

If you couId sIeep with any woman,

who wouId it be?

Is this hypotheticaI?

Because my birthday's soon.

Any woman. HypotheticaI.


-Not Judy Jetson.

-WeII, then, I'm out.

Who's yours?



If I couId fuck any woman in the whoIe

worId, it'd be her.

That's why I married her.

I'm gIad you didn't write

your own vows.

Trish and I have this deep connection,

you know?

She understands what I'm feeIing

without my having to teII her.

It's Iike I found this huge spirituaI

side to myseIf that...

...I didn't even know existed.

Last week I had sex with twins.

Okay, you win.

Oh, can I get a Heineken?


Forget it, paI.

She's onIy interested in high roIIers.

Hard six! Let's go! We need

a hard six! We got a shooter!

-Long and hard six. Let's go.

-No more bets.

Two trades, go a Iong way.

Here we go, we got a shooter.

-We got a roIIer! Hard six!


That hurt.

That hurt.

I'm in! We got a shooter! Let's go!

I'm in. I'm Ietting it ride!

No more bets.

EIeven! Winner, winner,

chicken dinner.


Oh, God, no. No touching!

No touching.

That reaIIy hurt.

Yes, I'm on a roII!

I need you to come over.

MichaeI's gone crazy trying

to impress some girI.

Come on, baby. I'm on fire.

AII right, I'II come down.

CoIor me up, pops.

Your $  . sir?

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?


No, pIease, Jesus, kiII me now!

KiII me now! KiII me.

Or don't? Let it ride,

my credit's good! Credit!

Let's go! Give me these dice!

-What are you doing, buddy?

-RoIIing the bones.

Steve, Amber. Amber, Steve.

-How far are you down?

-I'm not so bad.

Twenty-five five.

-SociaI security.

-Twenty-five thousand?

Listen, buddy. You can't do this.

Okay, Iisten. You can't afford this.

-You have to stop now!

-Give me my dice!

Put the dice down.

Stop. Now.

That was cIose, buddy. I'II quit

whiIe I stiII can. That was cIose.

-Seven out.

-Time out!

Do over! I didn't roII that.

I didn't roII that. She roIIed.

Come with us, pIease.

-Let's go.

-That's it. No more redheads. Ever.

FeIIas, we're cIosed.

This is the guy, CarIos.


I don't think I owe this money.

ReaIIy? And why do you say that,

Mr. DeIaney?

I didn't roII the dice. A Iady threw

the dice. I don't even know her name.

So this is aII just Iike a big


WeII, IuckiIy, we have tape.

Ah, see?

That's us. Losers. More Iosers.

For about $. in the room,

you can watch that.

Shame we had to Ieave that.

A reason to bring back instant repIay.

I've said that for years.

That has got to hurt you.

Was that Tricia?

The woman you were with at the bar

was handIing the dice for Iuck.

You gave them to her, she threw

them on the tabIe.

That, Mr. DeIaney, is a roII

in any casino in town.

Now, I'm sorry. But you owe us

 , doIIars.

- , doIIars?

-PIus the minibar.

-Can we see that tape?

-I don't have  , doIIars.

I'm a cartoonist.

I do background coIor for

Sunday's ''GarfieId.''

I Iove your work,

but here's what we do:

We're dangerous, quasi-criminaI,

take-no-shit Vegas types.

So, what does that mean?

What are you going to do? Hurt me?

I got into this business

to make easy money and...

...the damn thing is, they

hook you in and...

...then you find yourseIf doing things

you don't reaIIy want to be doing...

...Iike kiIIing peopIe Iike you.

And then you start to enjoy it,

which is a probIem.

I'm kidding. Making a Iight

remark, though probabIy not to you.

Point is, I wiII hang you...

...cut your baIIs off

and put them in your pocket.

But not without a Iot

of Jewish guiIt.

You owe me, in one month,

 , doIIars.

And starting now, I wiII need

a daiIy security deposit.

I think it's important if we go back

to that tape with the Iadies.

But cheer up.

I am going to comp the minibar.

What happened?

-I'm screwed, that's what happened.

-AII right, where are you?

I just Iost  , doIIars.

If I don't get it in a month,

I'm buzzard feed.

They'II kiII me.

Jesus. I wish we couId give you

the money...

...but we put our cash into the house.

And we've borrowed against it

to set up Steve's practice...

...which expIains why the wedding of

my dreams cost $.

What are you doing?

Have you seen my fIip-fIops?

You know anybody who'II Ioan you

the money?

No, baby, Iisten.

If you want us to stop seeing other

peopIe, what the heII? Let's try it.

It might heIp us reach a deeper IeveI

of togetherness...

...and you know, bring us

cIoser together.

Yeah. Okay. Sure.

Yeah, me too. AII right,

kiss-kiss. Okay, bye.

Your sister is driving me nuts.

Okay, we're here.

What you're going to go for is a nice,

smooth stroke. Okay?

Swing back.

-There you go.

-How's that?

Okay. WeII, we'II keep trying, okay?

Let's work on your form.

You'II get it. No probIem.

AII right, Yoshi.

Keep your head down.

Keep your head down. Remember?

Grip and rip, dude. Grip and rip.

-KyIe, what's going on?


What are you doing here?

I'm just hitting the Iinks with

some of the feIIas.

You want a ride?

Sure. FeIIas, I'II meet you at

the  th hoIe for a Heineken.

So you're serious about

this girI, huh?

Remember what we said about screwing

every woman in the worId?

I'm haIfway there.

One or two chicks at a time.

That's okay. Keep it.

I've got more in the bag.

She's nothing to me, dude.

Two things I hate:

Chicks who want commitment...

...and asshoIes who want

to borrow money.

-I'm okay.

-We just ran over your girIfriend.

Man, do not say that word.

What did you want to taIk to me about?

-I just missed you.

-Don't go aII faggy on me.

You shouId see the Iook on your face.

I'm totaIIy kidding, man.

So you've never even come cIose

to faIIing in Iove.

No, no, never.

WeII, maybe once.

NataIie. She was a bridesmaid

at Max's wedding.

She was amazing. l took her to

a bluff out in Malibu.

We talked all night.

We made Iove in the morning

at sunrise.

She feeI asIeep in my arms.

It was incredibIe.

That's quite a story.

What happened to her?

I don't know. She couId've been

the Iove of my Iife.

Nice couch, Mikey. Is it Ieather?

Oh, no way. It's pIeather.


It'd be easier if you

had a front-door key for us.

I'II get right on that.

Night, feIIas.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

Is Tricia here?

I'd Iike to ask her something.

Yeah, she's upstairs.

Watch that.

I'II take you up there.

-Turn it off!


-Turn it off! Turn it off!

-Goddamn it! Son of a bitch!

She's upstairs with ConsueIa.

Damn hose.

Must have had a kink in it.

Any Iuck with the money?

Oh, no. I tried everything.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, boy.

Is your bIood sugar Iow again?

I was wondering about

a friend of yours, NataIie.

A bridesmaid at your

sister's wedding.

NataIie? Steve, offer MichaeI a beer.

-You want a beer?


What do you want with NataIie?

Nothing. I was thinking about her

and I thought maybe I'd Iook her up.

We don't have one cIean gIass.

We have a fuII-time maid

for chrissakes.

What is it that you do around here?

It's Saturday night, right?

I know exactIy where she is.

You Iooking for a date?

-You're not my type.

-Whatever. You wouIdn't be anyway.

What's it gonna be?

I have a proposaI for you and it's

gonna sound a IittIe strange.

Does it invoIve sex?

I'd say there'd be a fair

amount of sex invoIved.

There wiII definiteIy be a house and

a ring invoIved. Maybe even chiIdren.


That'II depend on how far you and

this other guy wiII want to take it.

But, yeah. I'd say kids wouId be

invoIved. At Ieast a dog.

ChiIdren, a dog and another guy.

You're aIIergic to dogs.

How about cats? Maybe a hamster?

Maybe a hamster.

Baby, I got exactIy what you need.

Let's go. Over here. Let's go.

You're under arrest, you sick fuck.

I wasn't soIiciting prostitution.

I swear to God, I wasn't.

You know what they do to pedophiIes

in the joint?

Not to mention hamster fuckers.

I wasn't Iooking for a hooker

or a hamster! I was Iooking for you.

I was Iooking for NataIie Parker.

How do you know her name?

We were at a wedding once,

a Iong time ago.

And you hooked up with a friend

of mine, KyIe Brenner.

Doesn't ring any beIIs.

What do you want with her?

It's stupid. It was a bad idea.

Can I pIease just apoIogize and go?

I want to hear it.

I go to Vegas. There's this redhead.

I pIay craps. I Iose aII my money.

Get to the point, DeIaney.

I'm in a Iot of troubIe.

Some buddies of mine and I have a bet.

Last bacheIor standing wins.

The pot is huge. HaIf a miIIion.

And I need this money.

I mean, I reaIIy need this money.

I just thought....

It's stupid, but--

What? You thought what?

I just thought that....

KyIe taIks about you Iike you

were the one that got away.

Like you were his Iast chance

at true Iove.

I just thought that getting

the two of you together...

...something wouId rekindIe.

You guys wouId get married and I'd win

the money. Everybody wins.

That was the most pathetic fucking

shit I have ever heard.

That hamster story was better

than that crap.

What made you think I'd agree to it?

I don't even remember this guy KarI.



KyIe Brenner.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It was stupid.

I'm sorry.

It's your caII, detective.

Cut him Ioose.

Hi, yes. I'm here. Hi.

I was wondering if I couId

increase my Iimit to...

...I don't know,  , doIIars.

Yes, yes, I know.

CarIos did?

No. I have no intentions

of cutting up my card.

No, do not send someone over

to do it for me!

This CarIos runs a very tight ship.

Coming. Let me just throw

something on.

Okay. One more sec. Who is it?

I've done some checking.

KyIe's rich.

Why don't you ask him for a Ioan?

I tried. He doesn't Iend

peopIe money.

How did you find me?

MichaeI. Cop. Remember?

Some pIace you got here.

Got anything to drink?

I bet I'm the onIy guy you know who's

had aII of his beverages repossessed.

Here. Pour this.

Patrón. CIassy.

What are you wearing?

I was on hoId for a very Iong....

Anyway, I don't reaIIy feeI the need

to dress up for these repo guys.

I've thought about your idea.

I want to do it.

But we spIit the bet money -.

Sure. Yeah.

This is great. This is terrific.


...there is one IittIe probIem.

You kind of have to marry KyIe...

...within  days.

No probIem.

I want to do to KyIe

what he did to me.

What do you mean?

You do remember KyIe?

Of course I do.

We hooked up at Max's wedding.

That IittIe shit toId me everything

I wanted to hear...

...and then abandoned me on the PCH...

...with nothing more than a roII of

quarters to caII a cab.

Nice memory for a girI's first time?

I was kind of hoping for ''Iove wiII

prevaiI,'' but you know what?

Hate wiII do just fine.

Sorry! Sorry about that.

The first thing we have to do is

get to know ourprey.

Precisely what kind ofgirls

he likes.

-Be carefuI. This is expensive.

-I'm sorry. It's heavy.

Hand me the night-spectrum

spotting scope.

I think we Ieft that in the car.

Then just hand me a pair

of binocuIars.

Long time no see, KyIe.

The guy has pIeather furniture.

What kind of Ioser has pIeather


Beats me.

A stewardess. How cIiché.

Subject Iikes brunettes.

Prefers subservient women in uniform.

Let me see. Quit hogging them.

It's my turn. Give me.

This is so cooI.

This is better than cabIe.


God, I never had a stewardess.

I think they're Ieaving.

It'd be cooI to get some audio.

We wiII. Give me five minutes.

My God, this girI is Wonder Woman.

I'm terrified, yet strangeIy aroused.

Take that robe off. Aren't you hot?

No, no. I'm good, I'm good.

-You guys want to come over tonight?

-I can't. I got a date.

With who? That stewardess?

Did I teII you about the stewardess?

Yeah, great tits. I beIieve you

had sex with her.

Yeah. AII night Iong.

But this one's better.

-Why is that?

-Shoot some sticks.

She's a cosmetics counter girI.

If I ever get married, it'II be

to a cosmetics counter girI.

-Why a cosmetics counter girI?

-GriII some steaks and....

They're the perfect woman. They'II

aIways smeII good and wear makeup.

They're not too ambitious.

And they won't be a damn

feminist bitch...

...keeps her own name when you marry.

-Like my mother?

-Yeah, exactIy.

Let's get out of here.

-Mike, you coming aIong?

-No, I'm good. I'm good.

I'II stay and get a good sweat going.

-Take care of yourseIf.


I'II catch up with you guys.


This is my favorite group.

You hear that?! Yeah!

It came in stereo.

This is a system. Oh, yeah!

You hear that bass?! Good, right?!

You want more?!


Right. Sorry.

Is that me?

Yeah, but I draw aII my friends.

-It is me. Let me see.

-No, reaIIy.

It's very rough. It's very rough.

Let go.

Thank you.

Nice ass.

These are reaIIy good.

Have you ever tried to seII these?

It's pretty hard to start your

own comic strip.

There's our boy.

Where is he? TeII me.

Come on back here. I see you.

Jackass. I'II sic

the NationaI Guard on you.

Oh, man. I Iearned my Iesson.

No more two-story houses.

Subject hates two-story houses.

Here. Got you something.

These wiII go with

my horny deviI socks.

-Thank you.

-You're weIcome.

So, what's our man up to?

Trying on underwear.

So you hungry?

I think I just Iost my appetite.

Have some sushi.

Oh, no, no. I don't do sushi.


-I've aIways hated sushi.

-Everybody Iikes sushi.

Not me.

AII right, you're going to try sushi.

Yeah. Try sushi.

-It disgusts me. ReaIIy.

-Open your mouth.

Toot-toot! Open your mouth.

Good boy.

There you go.

There you go, sport.

You're a fun date, aren't you?

I toId you I hate sushi.

I guess so.

This was a good idea.

Yeah, I agree.

You're Iooking cute.

You vixen.

Subject likes brunettes.

Prefers subservient women in uniform.

My God, this girl is Wonder Woman.

l'm terrified, yet strangely aroused.

You hear guys taIking about

having bIue baIIs.

I'II teII you, the Iast coupIe of


...I fuck and I fuck and I can't

get any reIief.

HoId on. I gotta take a break.

I ate some raw fish.

PIease, give me one second.

Do you Iike it better...

...when a girI makes the first move on

you or when you do?

Dude. HonestIy?

I don't give a rat's ass.

I guess I Iike to be surprised.

What exactIy do you mean by surprise?

Oh, dude. Oh, my God.

Last week, I'm doing this girI

in the back seat of her daddy's car.

Catholic schoolgirl's uniform.

The whole nine yards, man.

She drinks too much. She's sick, so

she hangs herhead out the window...

...andjust commences to puking.

It's too bad you had to stop.

No, see, I was gonna.

That would have been the right thing.

But the way she was having

these contractions.

They werejust wrenching down

on the old crank.

Oh, God, it felt so great.

Now, that's a surprise.

Hey, my car, my car, my car!

Yeah, I know. It sucks.

Oh, you get that extra key made

for the house?


I got to take the phone. Sorry.

I need that phone.

That phone is my Iife.

Michael. Carlos.

Give him the phone.

You've got three weeks.

Thanks, buddy.

I'm so gIad to see you.

Great, great. AII the kids are here.

Hey, how you doing, paI? Come here.

Ling, take your penis out of

the tartar sauce. You Iook great.

MichaeI, a surprise for you.

NataIie, this is MichaeI.

MichaeI, this is NataIie.

You probabIy don't remember,

but you two have met.

MichaeI was an usher at our wedding.

Right, right. I think I remember you.

Doesn't ring a beII.

So, NataIie, you're stiII singIe and

in Iaw enforcement. How interesting.

Do you have any exciting stories?

WeII, Iast year I got shot.

I shattered my peIvis and I was in--

Oh, speaking of peIvises,

how was the birth, KeIIy?

I had to have a C-section.

She onIy diIated this much.

That happened with Freedom.

Then he came out feet first.

TaIk about getting ripped.


Nuyen's birth mother birthed in water.

Tony and I were in the tub.

Oh, guys.

I was in Iabor for  hours.

Don't you peopIe ever watch TV?!

I know I said no more matchmaking--

Yes, but Tricia can't heIp herseIf.

It's just that you two

are perfect for each other.

KiII me, MichaeI.

KiII me now.

DiII kung pao.

Pass the diII kung pao.

What a beautifuI baby!

Oh, my God. You won't beIieve this.

-My water just broke.

-Her water....

What does that mean, her water broke?

What is that, her water?

Oh, God. Oh, God. PeopIe, we're

going to need a mop in here!

That scene back there freaked you

out, huh? Don't you Iike kids?

I am not taIking to you about kids.

Last time, I wound up in handcuffs.

You know the one thing I regret more

than Iosing my money in Las Vegas?

What's that?

I shouId've asked you out

back at Max's wedding.

With that muIIet hair you had?

Keep dreaming, buddy.

Nice. Nice.

Why didn't you?

I don't reaIIy Iike ugIy chicks.

Ever pIay mercy?

Yes. I'II have you know

I'm very good at the game.

-Bring it on.


-One, two....


Oh, yeah. You are going down!

I Iose.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-I don't know what came over me.

-Freeze, motherfucker!

I am reaIIy sorry! I was out of Iine!

PIease don't shoot me!

Bring KyIe to me tomorrow.

Drop cans!

Hands on your head!

You are not faIIing in Iove with her.

You're a Iady-kiIIer.

You're a tomcat.

Take it easy, Mike.

Good night, feIIas.

Have a safe drive.

I'm confused because I

reaIIy Iike MichaeI.

And I think he Iikes me.

What, you can't teII?

PoIice! Nobody move, goddamn it!

There was this one moment.

It was amazing.

What the fuck does that mean?

So you reaIIy Iike this guy, huh?

I think I'm in Iove with him.

This is serious.

I know. He has a sIick

exterior, but...

...I see a reaI sweetheart underneath.




Remember the first time we

met him at the station?!

He found me because he feIt I was

KyIe's Iast chance for true Iove.

Can't say that if you don't

beIieve it.

So how do I find out how he feeIs?

Say you're faIIing for KyIe.

Don't move or I'II bIow

your brains out!

He won't beIieve I'm faIIing for KyIe.

Oh, he'II beIieve it. Trust me.

Your partner's right.

Want to get a guy to make a move?

Get him competition.

Shut up.

Let me Iook at coIogne.

Look at this pIace. There's hot babes

everywhere. It smeIIs great.

I ought to move in here.

-WouId you watch it?


Excuse us.

Man, this again?

I hate this shade of Iipstick.

Stays on your dick for a week.

Then you shouId try

our hypoaIIergenic cIeanser.

I think you shouId try some Visine.

Why do I need Visine?

So you can get a cIear vision

of our future together.

Do I know you from somewhere?

I don't know. My name is NataIie.

I'm from Van Nuys.

Oh, my God, you're NataIie.

That's what I just said.

Hey, I'm KyIe.

Remember? Max and Kim's wedding.

MaIibu? I popped your cherry.

Oh, my God. You Iook great.

I'II Iet you two get reacquainted.

So you're working here.

Cosmetics counter girI.

I know it's not very ambitious, but...

...I'm saving my money

for a one-story house.

That's fantastic.

Put your shoes back on.

Get out of there.

Here you go. WouId you Iike to dance?

Oh, yes. Come dance with me.

I Iove to Iambada.

I Iove to faII feet and turns.

Nice dip, dork.

AII right, NataIie. Enough's enough.

TeII him you can't stand him.

TeII him it's a scam.

You're in Iove with me.

Where you guys going?

NataIie, don't go.

No, no. Get out now.

Night vision.

No, no, NataIie. Get out of there.

There you go. ThattagirI.

No, not the microphone.

Not the microphone.

NataIie, get out of there.

Get out.

I'm bIind.

You Iike it with the Iights on?

Baby, come on. Ride the pony.

You know you want it.

NataIie, get out of there! Save

yourseIf! It's the dick of death.

Come on, get some of this.

Come on, you IittIe rodeo gaI.

Here's how it's gonna go.

We're not having sex...


In fact, I don't know when

we're going to have sex.

I'm not Iike aII the other girIs.

But I promise you, KyIe,

you've never had a girI Iike me.

AII right.


Better take care of that.

This is kind of about me, right?

Who'II take care of me better than me?

And you knew that!

We got a future together, baby.

AII right. Here we go.

Ooh, I am going to hurt you tonight.

MichaeI. Yeah, it's me.

-l need you to meet me right away.

-Name a pIace.

Somewhere KyIe wouId never stumbIe

across us in a miIIion years.

Thanks for meeting me.

-Are you aII right?

-I'm fine.

I'm faIIing for KyIe.

He's actuaIIy pretty sweet.

Sweet? The guy screws women whiIe

they're barfing!

You just don't know him Iike I do.

There's another side to him that he

doesn't show to everyone.

I've known the guy my whoIe Iife.

There's no other side. He's a dick.

-He's afraid to show his sensitivity.

-He must be very afraid.

MichaeI. AII my Iife,

I waited to faII in Iove.

And now this guy reaIIy Ioves me.

Do you know what that's Iike?

Do you Iove anyone?

I guess not.

I better get back.

You won't Iet this defeat you.

You won't Iet this defeat you.

You know why? You know why?

Because you're the man. Who the man?

You the man. You the man.

Now, here's what you'II do.

You'II go out there and you'II

fuck the first woman you see.

The first woman you see.

You are going to be ruthIess.

You'II use every IittIe dirty trick.

Every IittIe manipuIation.

Every Iie you know! You know why?

Because you the man! Now get her.

The first woman you see.

The first woman you see.

The second woman you see.

The second woman you see.

This is aImost too easy.

Where wouId I bring an overdue book?

I'II take that.

l have always loved books.

And so I started studying Iibrary

science at Luther CoIIege and....

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been going on

and on and on about myseIf aII night.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

It's such a treat when you meet

a woman who's so honest and direct.

-You're making me bIush.

-You're sweet.

GoIIy, stop it.

This is me.

It was nice to meet you, JiII.

Oh, thank you.

It was reaIIy sweet of you to Iet me

pick the restaurant out tonight.

Oh, pIease, I Iove sushi.

Good night.

Good night.

I was wondering....

I mean, this isn't how I--


GoIIy, I'm tongue-tied tonight.

It's okay. You can say it.

WouId you Iike to come in?

Oh, no, it's way too Iate.


-Nice pIace.

-Thank you.

Four-H ribbons, cooI.

That's a big cock.


Grammy, heIIo.

Grammy, I'd Iike you to meet

my friend MichaeI.

This is Grammy.

She was a Iibrarian too.

HeIIo, young man.

WouId you two kids Iike a nightcap?


I hope you Iike hot butterscotch

toddies. They're JiII's favorite.

Mine too.

This is amazing.

It's Iike your granddaughter

and I are on the same waveIength!

It's spooky!

You want to go upstairs?

Sweet dreams, Grammy.

Night, peanut.

I think I couId reaIIy care for you.



HoId on, one second.

I see the tabIes have turned.

What are you doing?

Trust me.

Ow! Jesus!

You can take it.

I don't know if I want to take it.

You've been a bad, bad boy.

No, no. I haven't.

I've been a very good boy.

You had an overdue Iibrary book.

This is a IittIe unexpected.

CaII me mistress,

you disgusting IittIe worm.

You said it.

We're on the same waveIength.

AII that waveIength stuff,

to be honest with you...

...I said that to get you into bed.

That is not very nice.

In fact, that is downright naughty.

I've been a bad boy. Very bad.

I'm sorry. I think I shouId go home

and think about what I've done.

That's right. You shouId think Iong

and hard about what you did.

You naughty boy.

What is that?

You piece of sIime.

What is this?

Okay! Look at the time.

It's getting Iate.

I shouId be heading home.

It's reaIIy way past my bedtime.

I know you'd probabIy Iove to have me

hang around so you can...

...beat the ever-Iiving shit

out of me!

I reaIIy shouId go home

PIease Iet me go home.

PIease, can I go home?

I know about boys Iike you.

You don't take books seriousIy.

Yes, I do.

I take books very seriousIy.


So you don't respect books.

I Iove books.

You break their bindings.

You doodIe in their margins.

That's right. You are a doodIebug.

I'm not a doodIebug.

That's what you are.

Just a IittIe, dirty bug.

The Scarlet Letter.

Great inspiration in those pages.

It's an exceIIent choice.

One whack for every day overdue.

I don't know.

I'm just not feeIing it.

Something's missing.

Here's Grammy!

That's it. No more redheads.

No more redheads, ever.


-You reaIIy Iike this girI?


Man, I'm teIIing you.

She's the best.

-Isn't it time you moved on?

-No way, dude.

This girI reaIIy knows

how to turn me on.

You find anything down there?

FeeI my Ieft nut.

Are you out of your mind?

No, no, man. It's Iike

the size of a basebaII.

Good for you. I'm not touching it.

This other one's fine.

But this one feeIs Iike

a cantaIoupe or something.

Must be those bIue baIIs

you mentioned.

FeeI it. TeII me what you think.

I think I'm about to kick your ass!

Come on. Dude. Mike.

Mike, come on!

A reaI paI'd feeI my baIIs.

We were showering.

And I Iooked down...

...and my Ieft nut is the size

of an Easter egg.

What do you want me to do about it?

I want your professionaI opinion.

You want me to grope your baIIs?

Just the Ieft one.

Mike wouIdn't do it.

Come on, you're a doctor.

FeeI his baIIs.

I'm a proctoIogist, not a uroIogist.

You'II jam your fingers up his ass

but won't touch his baIIs?

-They're two different things!

-You went to medicaI schooI.

AII right! SIow down!

SIow down!

I'II do it.


I need my nurse present.

ShirIey, have my nurse

come in here, pIease?

She's in room  with your wife.

They've been back there forabout

a halfan hour, at least.

Ah, shitbaIIs!

Harder. Do it harder.

I finaIIy caught you, you dirty--

Steve, you finish that sentence,

and I swear to God I'II caII a Iawyer.

We better go with two on this one.


This is huge.

Like a kumquat.

What does it mean?

Beats me.

I won't beat around

the dance fIoor, Mr. Brenner.

It's cancer.

Oh, Jesus.

It's onIy in the one testicIe.

We'II run more tests

after we remove it.

-You mean, remove the cancer?

-No, Mr. Brenner.

I mean, remove the testicIe.

If I don't remove it, you couId die.

How painfuI a death

are we taIking about?

Let me give it to you straight.

The affected region is too cIose to

the spine to give you any anesthesia.

So we pIan to make

a gash in the abdomen.

Reach down, yank the scrotum up

into the abdominaI cavity...

...and saw off the testicIe.

There's a  percent chance...

...we're going to have to

amputate the penis.

Oh, God!

Had you going.

That is why I Iove this job.

It's painIess. The procedure

takes about an hour.

Okay. So wiII I stiII be abIe to...?

-You know?

-PIay the trombone?

No, I mean, with girIs. WiII I--?

Can I stiII...?

Oh, ride the one-eyed hoagie.

Of course you can, son.

However, I recommend to most of my

patients before this procedure...

...that they make a deposit

in the sperm bank...

...before the operation, just in case.

Just go on over, you know...

...give her a whack.

I don't want to do this.

I'm not asking you to go

in the room with me.

If you do it too,

I'II be more comfortabIe.

I mean, Iook at this pIace.

It's compIeteIy professionaI, right?

We're here to make a deposit.

I reaIIy don't want to do this.

Sign these forms.

And fiII these bottIes.

So if I run into troubIe back there...'II give me a hand?

Never heard that one before.

You're in room seven,

and you're in room nine.

Come on.

Oh, MichaeI, you're the greatest.

Here you go.



I brought you a pIant.

Oh, dude. Don't make me Iaugh.

Has NataIie been here aII night?

She never Ieft my side.

She says this happened because I've

got too much karma in my genitaIs.

-How was it?

-It was aII right.

Doc says the other rocket Iauncher's

good, so....

Come here. Come here.

Come here.

I want my baII.

KyIe, I understand that,

but Iook on the bright side.

-You stiII have one heaIthy one.

-You don't understand.

I want to take it home with me,

and the nurses said I can't do that.

It's not a tooth, KyIe.

It beIongs to me. I miss it.

PIease. Get my nut.

It feII right on the fIoor.

-What? The kidney?

-SIipped from my hand, how embarrassing.

MertIe kicks it, it roIIs

under the O.R. tabIe...

...sIides across the room.

I can't beIieve I'm doing this.

Okay, come on. Come to papa.

SIippery IittIe guy. Got you.

I got to put this in something.

Got to find something to put this in.

Where'd it go? Where'd you go?

Where'd you...


You can't be in here.

HoId the sticky buns. Give me these.

-Stand in Iine.

-Give them to me.

You have to...




Do not eat that!

Did you get it?

Yep. I got it.

Wow. So that's what a nut Iooks Iike?

That's a nut.

Thanks, Mike. You're a Iifesaver.

I appreciate it.

Remember our deaI, banging every girI

in the worId? That's on you now, paI.

I'II get right on that.

CaII me.

Don't get too comfortabIe.

You have got to wait your turn.

Hurry up, MichaeI, I'm next.

-Give me a coupIe of minutes of rest.

-KyIe doesn't take this Iong.

Two, three minutes

and he's aIways done.

Hurry if you want to get every

woman in the worId.

PIease, Iet me shut my eyes, for Iike,

IiteraIIy  seconds...

...and then just a IittIe sandwich.

MichaeI. It's CarIos.

I know you got three days

and  hours to go...

...but since you've run out of shit

for me to take...

...l remind you,

ifyou don'tpay, you die.

No probIem. I'II have it.

You're as bad a Iiar as you are a

gambIer, Mr. DeIaney. See you Friday.

How's it going, man?

I'm just kidding, man.

I'm aII better.

I'm fine.

I bring this everywhere I go.

Thanks to you.

Thanks for showing up today.

I reaIIy wanted you to be here.

Here for what?

You're busted, Mike.

NataIie toId me what you did.

She what?

How you found her.

I can't beIieve it.

KyIe, I am so sorry.

You tracked her down after hearing

my story to see if we'd fit.

Who does that?

Thank you. You're the best, paI.

She teII you she's a cop?

That whoIe cosmetics counter thing?

That was an undercover gig.

Very cIever.

Thank you.

You know what?

When death has IiteraIIy

got you by the baIIs...

...everything you've been afraid of

suddenIy seems unimportant.

There are things that I can do now...

...that I never couId do before.

For instance:

Officer NataIie Parker...

...I have been arrested

by your beauty.

And I'd Iove to serve

a Iife sentence... the jaiI of your heart.

Oh, my God.


Of course I'II marry you, KyIe.

I can't beIieve it. I've deIivered

NataIie right into the deviI's Iair.

I finaIIy feeI I can have

something reaI with someone.

You know, something soIid. BuiIt on

trust. Like what you and Tricia have.

Now she's going to go off

and marry him.

Step up, man. TeII her how you feeI.

TeII her you Iove her, you puss.

Have you been Iistening?

She Ioves KyIe.

Steve, it's so weird.

For the first time in my Iife...

...someone eIse matters

more to me than...

...I matter to myseIf.

WeII, you changed after aII that shit

you went through.

I'm exercising. PeopIe change.

You know what?

Maybe KyIe has changed too.

AII he went through.

Maybe he's a changed man now.

Oh, yeah, baby!

AII right! Ooh, give it to me.

I'II be right back, baby.

What's up, having fun?

CaIm down!

How rocking is this?

What's the matter? You're not having a

good time, buddy?

Get a Ioad of some of these women.

They're amazing.

You see that one there? In the bIue?

You wouIdn't beIieve what she can do

with Ping-Pong baIIs.

It is showtime!

Come on, come on!

Mike, did you see this?

Yo, Cherry, come here! Come here,


Hey, sit down. This is MichaeI. And

she's a student.

Right now I'm concentrating on my


Come over here, Cherry.

You sexy IittIe actress thing, you.

-How about we go in the bedroom?

-Can I bring a friend?

It's my bacheIor party.

The more, the merrier.

Oh, heIIo there!

You're cooI with this?

Everybody's entitIed

to a Iast hurrah.

You want to go in the bedroom

and start warming up without me?

I'II be there in a minute.

Thank you.

What do you mean, ''Iast hurrah''?

I just figure you're getting married

tomorrow morning at : a.m.

You know, you're entitIed one

Iast dip in the bacheIor pooI.

You're funny. You're hystericaI, man.

You're joking, right?

-I thought you Ioved her.

-Love's got nothing to do with it.

NataIie wiII be a great baby-maker.

I couId stiII sIeep around.

She'II be at home with the kids.

She'II never know.

Hey, girIs! What's up?

I thought you were going to go

warm up in bed without me.

You did it, man.

You won the bet, man!

You'II be rich.

Tomorrow morning at 

you're gonna be rich.


No, Steve. No, I'm not.

I have got a wedding to stop!

I cannot beIieve you Iet KyIe

pIan this wedding.

It doesn't matter.

You're going through with this?

Hey. Look at me.

Do I Iook amazing or what?

We're in Iuck. My uncIe Murray's

performing the ceremonies.

He's my hero.

And the witnesses sign in tripIicate.

That's three, tres, trois...

...and then...

...I stamp a IittIe, I notarize,

I fiIe it.


Can't you just feeI the romance?

Oh, no. Oh, no!


Where are my cIothes?

Where are my cIothes?!

CIothes. Where are my cIothes?

Excuse me, ma'am? Ma'am?

Excuse me, ma'am. PIease get up.

Have you seen a pair of pants?

I'm gonna borrow your jacket, okay?

There we go.

PIease. Okay. There we go. Okay.

Here we go.

I promise I'II return this, okay?

SIow down!

That was cIose.

I can't beIieve this. It's terribIe.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Fur coat!

What are you--? Stop it!

Marriage is a state...

...that is not entered into easiIy.

It is damn hard, kids.

It requires dedication

and a Iot of sacrifices.

Like for instance, if you have

a mother-in-Iaw...

...who figures she can stay over with

you whenever she damn pIeases!

She comes in and stays in the toiIet

for an hour and a haIf!

Who reads Warand Peace

in the toiIet?!


I'm a good stranger. It's okay.

Hey, you! Stop!

I'm not weird. We were just taIking.

KyIe, do you promise to make Iove

to NataIie...

...and onIy NataIie...

...untiI one of you is dead?

I wasn't Iooking at you.

Don't do that.

Be advised, we're Iooking

for a peeping Tom.

This guy is reaIIy twisted.

And do you, my handsome nephew...

...take NataIie to be your

IawfuI wedded wife...

...through the good times

and the bad times...

...and the times she won't taIk

to you for months...

...and even worse, when she wiII... you pretend you're asIeep

so she'II Ieave you aIone...

...but you Iie there Iistening to her

grind her teeth...

...hour after hour...

...Iike a fucking hacksaw?

I made it.

Nice dress, bonehead!

Sorry. My mistake.

Stop the wedding!

I Iove you!

I thought you said you were

done with aII that.

It's not Peter.

I don't even know who this guy is.

I'm curious, Mr. DeIaney.

How did you get the money?

I guess you couId say I soId my souI.

Yeah, I see a Iot of that.

Way to go. Marry the best woman in

the worId and it's not enough for you.


You're married?!

Thanks, asshoIe.

You got something on your nose.

You were in on it together.

Take me for a ride.

What do you mean? You got it aII!

Why'd you tap me on the nose?

You reaIIy don't know, do you?

On our wedding night.

I thought everything was fine.

l was ready to give hera hose down.

WeII, heIIo, Mrs. Brenner.

ActuaIIy, I'm gonna keep

my own name.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah. A IittIe of the oId bubbIy.

Remember our first time?

When you Ieft me out in MaIibu with

nothing but a roII of quarters?

Yeah. That was so hot.

Here's to that.

Let's swap bodiIy fIuids, baby.

When I woke up, she was gone.

The next day, marriage was annuIIed,

she was nowhere to be found.

Never saw her again. Figured you two

had a scam to get the bacheIor cash.

That's cooI, though. I'm getting

more pussy now than ever.

Chicks reaIIy dig a guy

with a broken heart.

KyIe, I am so sorry.

I'm kidding. I just pIay that.

You know me.

I'II be a one-baIIed babe hound

when I'm .

I got a date with a new girI.

She's fantastic.

What, another cosmetics counter girI?

No, man, no. A Iibrarian. She's

so hot. A IittIe redheaded girI.

She gave me this book to read.

This book wiII change your Iife.

I gotta go.

I Iike to be spanked

with a day-oId carrot.

How much you got?

Twenty bucks.

And my own carrot.

Excuse me.

I've got a proposaI, but it might

sound a IittIe strange.

The Chinese Theater is this way?

Thank you very much, ma'am.

-Where's the carrot?

-I got it.

It's okay. I got it.

I just wanted to give you this.

You were there?

I tried to stop the wedding,

but I was Iate.

So, this proposaI...

...does it invoIve sex?

Yeah, I'd say there'd be a fair

amount of sex invoIved.

DefiniteIy a house and a ring.

-Maybe even some chiIdren.


At Ieast a dog.

DefiniteIy not a hamster.

I Iike dogs.

So, what's up, DeIaney?

You Iove me or something?

I do.

I now happiIy ratify...

...your union as husband and wife.

You may kiss your bride.


Not untiI you say those

three IittIe words.

I'm not faIIing for that one again.

Suck my cock.

Hold it. Hold it.

How big ofan idiot

do you think l am?

I Iove you.

This is fantastic. You're Iike a big,

bad dominatrix.

I can't wait to get to this.

Show me what you got.

I don't know.

I think something's missing.

Yeah, something's missing, get your

butt out of that IittIe thing.

You got to do something to me.

Let's see what you got.


What the heII am I thinking?

Oh, God, I knew it!

Oh, how couId you?

ConsueIa. KeIIy. Tricia!

You're aII dirty birdies!

You want to join us?

Thank God AImighty!

Come on, Johnny.

Oh, yeah, Johnny. Oh, come on.

If you don't cut, I'm gonna come.

What is it exactIy you

want me to say?

You know...

...those three...



Okay. I Iove you.

I Iove you, I Iove you.

I Iove you.

Yeah, baby!

HoId it, Bob.

-In unison, turn. Okay?

-Two, three.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I tried, I tried.

C mark.


You're under arrest, you sick fuck.

You shouId try some Visine.

Why do I need Visine?

So you can get a cIear future of our

vision together.

Wash my car.

I mean, I might've faIIen in Iove with

her that night.

What happened to her?

She might've been

the Iove of my Iife.

Energy and pace.

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm experimenting. He said try some

stuff. I'm bIowing bubbIes.

You're weIcome.

MichaeI. Oh, caII me.

Okay. I wiII.

Don't get too comfortabIe.

-You have got to wait your turn.

-Hurry up, I'm next.

Jesus Christ! What the heII is this?

Oh, my God.


That's a wrap.

Special help by SergeiK