Touch Guys Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Touch Guys script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Touch Guys. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Touch Guys Script





- I'm telling you, Harry.

- I know.



We could've got away with it.



Did I say that before?



- Every day for    years.

- Oh.



First thing I wanna do

is to walk on grass.



Then I'm gonna sit under a tree

and listen to a bird sing.



I wanna go through a door

without hearing bells going off.



I wanna eat good food.

Drink fine wine.



By myself,

not with a hundred other guys.



I wanna try Chicken McNuggets.



Harry, I wanna hold a woman

for about five years.



Great to get back to

the old neighbourhood, eh?



Yeah, because I can't wait

to see the old gang.



- Think they'll recognise us?

- Why not? We ain't changed.



- The best things never do.

- Damn right.



- OK, pal. Let's go.

- What's the rush?



You've got two men

starting their new lives.



So just open the gate.



What for? You're never gonna make it.



You guys are gonna violate

parole in a week.



Correct me if I'm wrong,



but don't I detect pessimism

in his voice?



I think he's being downright hostile.



- After you.

- After you.



No, no. Age before beauty.



- Pearls before swine.

- Anything you say, Harry,



as long as we get

the hell out of here.



See you guys in one week.



I feel reborn, Arch. Like a new man.



Smell that air? That air is free.



So is this paper.



I wanted to see

if I still had the touch.



Respectable citizens

don't steal newspapers.



- Come on, it's a lousy two bits.

- That ain't the point.



Put a quarter in the box.






Hey, Arch, get a load of this.



"Gold Coast Flyer

retires after    years."



The Flyer?



It's starting its last run

a week from today.



Frisco, LA, San Diego.



What's it say about us?



Well, it says the train was robbed,

but it don't say by whom.



The last guys to rob a train?

They don't even mention our names?



Thirty years is a long time.

Might be nobody remembers us.



If we'd gotten away with it,

Harry, they'd remember us.



Excuse me?



Harry Doyle and Archie Long?



- Maybe.

- Who wants to know?



I'm Richie Evans.



I've been looking forward

to meeting you guys.



Looking forward to meeting us?



Why is that, son?



I'm your probation officer.



Probation officer?



You always meet parolees

at the prison gate?



Well, not ordinarily, but you guys

are not ordinary parolees.



We ain't?



You're the best there was.

I know everything about you guys.



My master's thesis was about

great outlaws of the   th century.



Dillinger, Capone, Pretty Boy Floyd.



When I heard you were up for parole,



- I actually asked for your cases.

- You did?



- You're the last of your kind.

- We are.



- I could tell you a story...

- That's in the past.



We're fully rehabilitated now.



That's right.



I thought you might need a lift.

That's why I came out here.



Well, that's real nice of you,

Mr Evans.



Call me Richie. OK?



OK, Richie.



I'll go get the car. I'll be right back.



- It's a great beginning, Arch.

- Jeez, things are looking up already.



Pardon me, gentlemen.

Are you Harry Doyle and Archie Long?



- We've got a fan club, Harry.

- That's us, friend. Who might you be?



I might be the guy who's been waiting

   years just to blow your heads off!



Damn it.



Missed them.



Where the hell are they?



- Arch.

- OK.



- Archie!

- OK!



- Who was that?

- I never saw him before.



- We must've done something.

- A man holds a grudge for    years.



- Must be pretty bad.

- I'm not gonna go back and ask.



- I was gonna pick you up.

- We thought we'd save you the trip.



- Stop. Thief. Stop. Thief.

- What the hell's that?



It's just a car alarm.



You mind if I drive?



- I just bought this car.

- Don't worry.



He hasn't had an accident in    years.

Come on, get in.



Take this. There we are.



All monitored systems are functioning.

Please fasten your seat belts.



- Please fasten your seat belts.

- I'm doing it. I'm doing it.



Thank you.



You sure are in a hurry.



To start our new lives.

We wanna leave the past behind.



Way behind.



Jackrabbit starts

are bad for fuel economy.



Fuel economy is maximum

at    miles per hour.



- How do you shut this broad up?

- Thank you.



Harry Doyle and Archie Long.



I thought those guys

would be dead by now.



What are you doing, Sergeant?



I was exploring the exciting new world

of computer technology.



Then perhaps you wouldn't mind

exploring the payroll file.



- Payroll? I thought you said parole.

- No.



You have to pay attention

if you wanna learn how to do this.



I don't wanna learn how to do this.



But you have to. It's your job.



My job is to catch crooks, lady.



I got a couple of major ones here.



Harold Doyle and Archibald Long?

I've never even heard of these guys.



Thirty years ago, they were the best

bank robbers in the country.



And I busted them.



Now I'm stuck in this shit job

and they're back on the street,



where I ought to be.



Remember how to do this, Arch?



Not without a mask on.






They got cameras now.



That's nice.

We'll have our pictures taken.



I'd like it all in small bills, please.



Department of Corrections?

Were you in prison or something?



- I just finished a   -year stretch.

- Really?



- What were you in for?

- Running a red light.



They gave you    years

for running a light?



Well, I was leaving a bank at the time.






This driver's licence has expired, sir.



I'll need to see

some current identification.



I don't have anything current.



- How do I know who you are?

- I'm telling you, I'm Harry Doyle.



Well, that's very charming, Mr Doyle.

Do you have something with a picture?



Yes, I do. This.



That's me with my brand-new Cadillac.



- Paid      bucks for that car.

- Swell.



OK, it's a hold-up!



Everybody down! On the floor!



Move! I said, down!



What's the matter? Don't you

speak the language, asshole?



Don't you curse me, boy.



Curse you, pops?

I'm gonna blow your head off.



- Stop waving that gun in my face.

- Who's gonna make me?



I am!



Let him go!



I said, let him go!



I'll kill you, man!



I was only kidding, grandpa.

Let me go.



Grandpa, huh?



- What are you gonna do?

- Blow his head off.



You don't wanna do that.



- He was disrespectful.

- You just had your suit cleaned.



- You'll get brains all over it.

- This punk don't have any brains.



Yeah, but there'll be blood.

All red and sticky.



- It'll be messy.

- Get him up.






This guy's in the wrong business.



They don't make crooks

like they used to.



Jeez, that was amazing!



I can't believe

how you handled these guys.



Just doing what comes naturally.



You're incredible.



How about cashing that cheque, son.



Yes, Mr Doyle.



Furthermore, parolees

are forbidden to carry firearms,



to consort with convicted felons,

to use narcotic substances



and must report to this office

once a week for counselling.



All right, now, for some good news.



I've made some

preliminary arrangements.



Archie, I've got

a job placement for you.



I got a job already?



It doesn't pay a lot,

but it's gonna get you started.



And here's a voucher for one

of the welfare hotels in the area.






Well, it's just until you get working.

Start drawing an income.



Harry, you have a very nice room at

the Golden Sunset Retirement Home.






Yeah, and as soon as you sign that,

$    a month in social security.



But I want to work, too. I've got

strong hands and a strong back.



I'm sorry, Harry,

but that's just not possible.



See, after   

retirement is mandatory.



Ronald Reagan's older than him

and he's got a job.



- That's true. That's true, but...

- I wanna be useful, productive.



I can't sit around

no retirement home.



Well, think of it this way.



You're gonna have time

to just relax and enjoy life.



Give it a chance, OK?



All right, Richie, if you say so.



It won't be so bad, Harry.

I'll be visiting you all the time.



We'll have some laughs.

Go to Mickey's for a drink.



Pick up some broads. Huh?



I'm afraid that's not going

to be possible either.



- We can't pick up broads?

- No, no.



Because of your past relationship,



you won't be allowed to associate.



Look, guys, you're ex-cons.



You can't see each other

for three years.



I'm sorry, but those are the rules.



Three years. He's nuts!



They let us associate

for    years in prison.



Poles never stopped us.



Well, what are we going

to do now, Harry?



I think I'll go straight to the home.

Like the kid said, relax and enjoy life.



And I guess I'll go straight to the hotel.



Finally get a good night's sleep

without hearing you snore.



Me, snore?



Yeah, you snore.



- How come you never said anything?

- I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.



You grind your teeth. I'm surprised

they're not stumps by now.



I sure won't miss

your scratchy old records.



And I can do without

your barbells clanking all day.



- So long, Harry.

- So long, Arch.



I don't want you playing favourites

with these guys. Understand?



I don't care how great you think

they are. They're criminals, felons.



- You treat them like any other case.

- Yes, sir.



First sign of trouble, you violate them.

Send them back to the pen.



- Do you understand?

- Yes, sir.



And get rid of the headlines.



This is a probation office, not a shrine.



- Hello, officer.

- What are you doing, bud?



I'm waiting for a bird to sing.



I guess you didn't see that sign

over there that says "No loitering".



Well, loitering is lingering

without a purpose.



I got a purpose.



- You gonna give me trouble, Mac?

- No, sir.



Now, move it,

before I arrest you and the bird.



- Hi.

- Hi.



- Mickey around?

- Mickey?



Yeah, the owner.



Well, he's been dead for    years.



Mickey's dead?



- What happened?

- Well, I wouldn't know.



That's a little before my time.



What can I get for you, sir?



I'll have one of those light beers

I heard about.



Mickey's dead.



- Here you go.

- Thanks.



Tastes watery.



But it's only    calories.

Would you like another?



- I'll buy.

- Well, that's damn nice of you, pal.



Don't mind if I do.



- Don't you love this music?

- Who doesn't?



- Some people think it's out-of-date.

- Are you kidding?



I grew up on that music.



- It's great dance music.

- Yeah.



I haven't danced in    years.



Shall we?



- Shall we what?

- Shall we dance?



- Can't believe it.

- Can't believe what?



Harry. Thought you were going

straight to the home.



I thought you were going

straight to your hotel.



I'll buy you a drink.



- You don't wanna go in there.

- Yes, I do.



- No, you don't.

- A lovers' quarrel.



It breaks my heart.



Turn around, worm food.

Start walking.



And don't try anything stupid

or you die right here.



And don't let the goggles fool you,

buster, I'm a sharpshooter.



All right, turn here. Turn!



What is this, a parade?



- Where are we going, friend?

- We're going up this alley, friend.



- And then what?

- And then I'm coming out.






Come back, you bastards!

Let's finish it once and for all!



- Finish it? Finish what?

- It stinks down here!



- You sure you don't know him?

- I'm up to my knees in guck!



- Could we be losing our memories?

- Could be, Harry.



I'm gonna get pneumonia.



Just look at this place.



This used to be the classiest street

in the neighbourhood.






Where are you going, gramps?



Excuse me.



I asked you...

where you was going, man.



- We're going down this street.

- And we don't want any trouble.



So let us pass.



- This street, bro?

- Yeah, this street.



The fact is, this happens to be

a private street.



It costs a sawbuck

to walk down this street.



- A sawbuck?

- All right, then we'll go back.



But you don't understand.

You're already on the street.



Once you on the street,

you gotta pay the tax.



That's right.



You know, Arch, I never met

so many stupid people in one day.



Ugly too.



OK, pops, I don't know

how old you is,



but you ain't getting any older.



Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.



- This ain't a fair fight.

- There's six of you.



Only two of us.



And you got knives

and we got nothing.



But that's how we win.



When we lived in this neighbourhood,

there were rules to street fighting.



- Rules?

- Yeah.



Like what kind of rules?



- For one thing, you couldn't do this.

- Or this.



But you could do this!



Now, has everyone

got the rules straight?



They don't know shit

about street fighting.



What's the matter?



Never hurt like this before.



Things have changed.



It don't look so bad, huh, Harry?



At least it ain't got no guard towers

and no bars on the doors.



Hey, look.

You got a saloon across the street.



Never had anything like that

in prison, huh?



Well, it ain't what I expected,



but we have to make

the best of things.



That's the spirit.

It'll be a new experience.



They never had a guy like you

in this place.



You'll be running this joint in a week.



Look at me. I never had an honest job

in my life. I'm looking forward to it.



- Sounds real good, Arch.

- Sure does.



Well, I guess this is it.






it's only for three years, Harry.



We can do that much time

standing on our heads.






- So long, Arch.

- So long, Harry.



Hey, Harry?



You take care of yourself, OK?



You too, Arch.



So they're out. So what?



A problem for the parole system,

not the police.



I busted these guys.

I know how they think.



- And believe me, they think crime.

- Give me a break, Yablonski.



You got a guy here that's   .

The other one's   .



These guys don't think crime.

They think Geritol.



You're wrong, Captain.

You're very wrong.



Don't underestimate these guys.



Yablonski, you're in Records now.



You've got a nice, soft job.



You're not a street cop any more.



Put me back on the street.

I can nail these guys.



Yablonski, I'm busy.



They won't be committing

any more crimes,



so go back to your desk, sit down

and stop bothering me with this shit!



They'll go back to crime.

I guarantee it!



All they need is a little motivation.



Excuse me.



I understand I can get a room here.



- Got a reservation?

- No, I don't.



- Hey, take it easy.

- He don't feel nothing.



Well, you're in luck.

We just got a vacancy.



Cash, credit card or cheque?



Well, I have this welfare ticket.



Oh, great. Another ex-con.



Don't you guys keep

any of the money you steal?



Room    top of the stairs.



Twelve. Room   . You deaf?



Hey, pal.



What makes you think

I did time for stealing?



OK, wise guy.

What's your claim to fame?



I killed six people with an axe.

Just like that one.



Don't worry,

doctor says I'm getting much better.



We are eating our lunch today,

aren't we, Mr Doyle?



- Are we?

- It's spinach soufflé.



It's so nutritious.






If you don't eat your food, Mr Doyle,

I'm gonna be very upset.



We wouldn't want that

to happen now, would we?



Tell the cook we don't like this crud.

We want real food.



Real food! Real food!



Real food! Real food!



Real food! Real food!



Real food! Real food! Real food!



Real food! Real food!

Real food! Real food! Real food!



What'll it be, sport?



- Let me have a strawberry yoghurt.

- Coming right up.



No, chocolate.



No, strawberry.



Take your time

and make up your mind.



I have made it up.



Well, do you want

strawberry or chocolate?






Hey, that's gelati.

I asked you for yoghurt.






What's the difference?

Looks the same to me.



Gelati's made out of cream.

Yoghurt's made out of bacteria culture.



Where have you been?

A cave?



That'll be a buck sixty.



- What's the matter?

- What about my toppings?



You're supposed to ask me

what kind of toppings I want.



- What kind of toppings you want?

- Do you have Peanut M&M's?



Hey, I didn't say I wanted M&M's,

I just asked if you had any.



- Yeah, we got them.

- I don't want them.



Do you have Oreo pieces?



- You want them?

- That's why I asked.



And walnuts, too.

Not peanuts. Walnuts.



And jellybeans.



No, not M&M's. I hate M&M's.




And almonds instead of walnuts.






Forget it. I'll just have it plain.



You still want it?



Of course, what do you think

I came in for?



You got it, kid.



We're senior citizens,

not school children.



We want real food, not that pig slop

you can suck through a straw.






Well, our dietary programme

is no concern of yours, Mr Doyle.



We want steaks, chops,

roast beef rare, blood rare.



Don't be ridiculous. Most people

out there don't even have teeth.



Oh, really?

Well, what do you call these?



Same old Harry Doyle.



You just can't stay

out of trouble, can you?



Belle Burgess.



I can't believe my eyes.



I mean, what's a dame like you

doing in a joint like this?



- Earning a living.

- You work here?



Room and board and $    a month.



I teach a couple of aerobics classes,

tap class, if anyone shows up.



You quit show business.



There's not much call

for   -year-old showgirls.



- I'd hire you in a minute.

- Thanks, Harry, you're sweet.



Anyway, it's better than standing



behind the lingerie counter

at Penney's.



What are you doing here, Harry?



I live here, unfortunately.



I don't know for how long.

Too many rules to suit me.



Since when did that

make a difference?



- When did you get out?

- Yesterday. Me and Archie.



I'm in Room    . Come up for a visit.



We could talk about old times.



I'd like that.



Holy mackerel.



Penguin. Stupid job.



Getting fired, me? I ought to quit.



What kind of business is that anyway?

Selling bacteria to children.



Can I help you, sir?



- Where's the gym, miss?

- This is the gym.



- No, no. I mean the men's gym.

- Oh, we're coed now.



Showers, too?



No, not the showers.

Are you here to work out?



I don't know.

This place looks kind of expensive.



No sweat.

First session's free.



- Great.

- Come on.



- Want me to help you get it up?

- No, thanks.



I can get it up.



I guess I couldn't.



You OK?



Yeah, I haven't been

feeling too well lately.



Probably a virus or something.



I guess it took more

out of me than I thought.



Yeah, I know what you mean.



Anyway, it's nice to have

a real man around.



Usually, there's nothing but gays.



- You're not gay, are you?

- Gay, are you kidding?



I just lost my job, I'm miserable.



That's funny.



You're a funny guy.



- I'm Skye. Who are you?

- Archie Long.



- Pleased to meet you, Skye.

- Pleased to meet you, too.



You're in pretty good shape,

Archie Long.



Pretty good yourself.



You come here a lot?



I have to. I run the place.



Maybe we should work out

together sometime.



Sure. Anytime you say.



- How about tonight?

- Fine with me.



I didn't think the gym

was open at night.



It isn't, but there are other ways

to work up a sweat.



Meet me at The Chainsaw

on Spring Street,    o'clock, OK?



The Chainsaw? What's that?



- It's a club.

- What do you do there?



You dance.



What should I wear?



Just look hot.






- Now, who the hell is that?

- Harry Doyle.



- Did I ever look that young?

- Did I?



You? You haven't changed a bit.



- In fact, you look better now.

- Well, that's sweet, Harry.



It's a lie, but it's sweet.



- I can't get over you keeping all this.

- Well, I have a thing for old memories.



Perhaps you'd step out

with an old memory like me?



Thought you'd never ask.



Can I help you?



Behind you, sir.



- Are you talking to me?

- There's nobody else here.



I'm Derek. Can I help you?



Well, I need something to wear.



- I need more information.

- Like what?



Colour. Style. Function.



- I got a date.

- Male? Female?



- I got a date with a gorgeous broad.

- Thank you.



Evening? Morning?

Formal? Casual?



Please, be as specific as possible.



Chainsaw, Spring Street,    p.m.



She said, "Look hot."

How about something in blue?



Blue is cold, sir. Red is hot.



OK, something in red.



We don't carry red, sir.



Our colours are peach, lime, cherry,

mocha, almond and avocado.



I don't wanna eat the suit,

I just wanna wear it.



One moment, sir.



- Well, Derek, am I hot?

- You're practically on fire.



Come in.



My, you look snazzy.






Flowers, Harry.



Oh, they're beautiful.



Nobody's given me flowers in years.



Let's get out, paint the town.



We'll start with Serro's.

I'll get our old table.



Serro's is gone.

It's a comedy club now.



- Well, the Derby, then.

- Torn down.



- Romanoff's? Earl Carol's?

- Sorry, they're gone, too.



There's gotta be some place left.



- I love your suit, Arch.

- Just something I had lying around.



Because of you



There's a song in my heart



Because of you



My romance had its start



Jimmy Lennon. Good old Jimmy.



- Still sounds good, don't you think?

- Sounds good to me.



Well, the food ain't bad

and the champagne's good.



The company's swell.

The best things never change.



Cin cin.



- How about a dance?

- Love to.



What's the name of that band?



The Red Hot Chili Peppers.



- You like them?

- Yeah, I got all their albums.



It's paradise to be near you



Like this



Remember the last time

we danced together?



Yes, I do.




on Mickey Cohen's yacht.



You wore a blue dress.



You were the prettiest girl

in the bunch.



I didn't think you'd remember.



Hardly a day in the last    years

I haven't thought of that weekend.






Hey, watch it.



Hey, I said, watch it.



That's cool, man.

Come on, slam me.



Slam me!



You know, dancing's more fun

than I remember.






How am I doing?



Set it straight forever

Better late than never



What music!



And the dancing.



It's more like boxing!



I gotta tell Harry about this.



- You really miss him, don't you?

- Who?



That guy you were just

talking about, Harry.



No, are you kidding?

I'm having a ball.



What's those things

we were drinking anyway?



Those were kamikazes.



They ought to

put more booze in them.



Hey, what are you doing?



I'm the man. I'm supposed to do that.



You have to save your strength.

It's going to be a long night.






- What you got there?

- Carrot juice.



Carrot juice?



I used to have a Scotch

after we made love, remember?



- Scotch is poison, Harry.

- Oh, not to me it ain't.



- I'll bet you still eat red meat.

- Yep.



- Dairy products?

- Sometimes.



- Well, I eat nothing but roughage.

- Roughage?



It's like Drano.

Keeps the pipes clear.



Have some.



No, thanks. I don't want no Drano.

I want Scotch.



I take    vitamin

and mineral supplements a day.



- Really?

- Aerobics five times a week.



Staying young

is a serious business, Harry.



You know, Belle,



I'm beginning to think

that old is a dirty word.



- Well, nobody likes being old.

- I don't mind.



Mr Doyle, it is well past lights.



What's going on in here?






At the moment.






Harry, you're not gonna believe this.



I met a girl.

She can't keep her hands off me.



- How much did you pay her?

- I didn't have to pay her.



She's crazy about me.

All she wants to do is make love.









I gotta go, Harry.

Something just came up.



I got a call from Gladys Ripps

at the home today, Harry.



She said you were being

a disruptive influence.



She said that you refused

to eat your lunch



and that you made love to a woman.



Is that right, Harry?



You make love to women,

don't you, Richie?



Well, yeah, sure.



How come when you do it,

you're a stud,



and when I do it,

I'm a disruptive influence?



Because I'm    Harry.



Look, I understand how you feel.



Most people don't.



And if you want to fit into society,



you have to behave

in a way that is accepted.



Isn't that what we all want, Harry?



To be accepted?



I'm   . I can still make love

to a woman if I like her.



I like this lady very much.



Are you suggesting I stop

being a man just so I can fit in?



Is that what you mean?



- I just wished you'd come to me first.

- I offered to wash the kid's face.



Give him a free agoodi,

or whatever you call it.



You have to control your temper.



You can't shove yoghurt

in everybody's face.






Richie, darling!



How marvellous to see you!



- Hi, Sandy.

- And you must be Archie.



Richie's told me all about you.



- Enchantée.

- Likewise.



Well, I've gotta run, so I'll leave

you two to work out the details.



- Good luck, Arch.

- Thanks, Richie.



Ciao, darling.

Call, we'll do something soon.



Sandy, I really appreciate...



Can it, Long.



Let's get one thing straight.



My father was a cop.

I don't like ex-cons.



The only reason I let you in

here is because I owe Richie.



If I catch you with your fingers

anywhere near the cash register,



I'll cut your balls off.



- You got it?

- Yes, ma'am.



Why don't you grab a mop.

The toilet's backed up again.






I'm waiting.






What does she think, I'm   ?



OK, mister, let's go.



- Hey, what are you doing?

- Helping you.



- I don't need help.

- It's my job.



Oh, wait a minute, son.



If you don't let go, I'll break your arm.



I'm just doing a good deed, old fart.



Come on, huh?



Goddamn tunnel of love.



Don't you worry, Vinnie.

A deal is a deal.



Leon B Little never quits.



There are    stiffs out there

who swear to that.



Oh, daylight.



All right, you chicken livers.



If you're out there,

you can kiss your future goodbye.



Hey, Michael Jackson.



Did you see two elderly gentlemen

pass this way recently?



Holy shit! Another one!



What is it, my smell or something?



Hey, pissant!

You forgot your jukebox!



I hate noise pollution.



How's it going, Archibald?



Well, well.

If it ain't Deke Yablonski.



Glad to see you kept in good shape.



The great Archie Long

working as a busboy.



- It's a temporary job.

- Of course it is.



They'll move you up to dishwasher

before you know it.



Get lost, Yablonski. I'm busy.



Of course, you've probably got

lots of dirty dishes to scrape.



Ketchup bottles to fill, napkins to fold.



I wouldn't want to keep you

from such important work.



I'm proud of you, Arch.



Long. Hurry up.

Table five needs clearing.



Hey, can I get a steak knife over here?



Steak knife, right away.



Excuse me, I could use some water.



- H O, if it's not too much trouble.

- Coming right up.



Yo, pops, how about that bread we

ordered about    minutes ago, huh?



- I'll get it.

- Right.



Where'd they dig this guy up?



Have you cleared table five yet?

I got people waiting.



- I was getting to it.

- Well, move it.



This is not a rest home.

You've got a job to do.



Yes, ma'am.



- Here's your bread.

- It's about...



H O, madame.



Here's your steak knife, sir.



Clearing table number five.



Anybody else want anything?



We are going to explore ways

to get more enjoyment from sex.



We are going to look at masturbation,

intercourse, fantasy.



We'll talk about orgasm.



Examine some problems

in therapy sessions.



And we'll have fun



because sex is a celebration

of life, of joy, of the body, and I...



OK, boys and girls, the party's over.



It's way past your bedtimes.



Now let's go. Come on.

Here we go. To the rooms.



Brush those teeth.

Let's rock 'n' roll, Gert.



Let's do it.



Lights out at    gang.



You got a problem with that,

Mr Doyle?



- You're not dressed.

- Yeah.



- Come on. We're gonna be late.

- You go ahead without me.



But you gotta come.



- You're the life of the party.

- Not tonight.



What happened to your hair?



- You all right?

- Sure.



- Is there anything I can do?

- No, no. I'm just tired, that's all.



You go ahead. Have a good time.

You look terrific.



I'll be fine.



You sure?



Sure, I'm sure.






Are you gonna be here

when I get back?



I don't think so.






Look, Skye, you're a swell kid,



but I gotta start acting my age.



I understand.



We did have a good time, though,

didn't we?



I wouldn't have missed it

for the world.



Hey, if you change your mind,



you know where to find me, huh?









This weekend marks the end of

an era as the G|old Coast Flyer,



pride of the Southern Pacific Railroad,



makes its final journey

into the pages of history.



For those of us

more familiar with air travel,



the G|old Coast Flyer

may not seem like much.



But for those who remember

a more relaxed time,



a ride on the Flyer

was something special.



Hey, don't turn that off.

That's the Gold Coast Flyer.



- Me and Archie robbed that train.

- Sure you did, pal.



Goddamn it, we did.

July        . That's the day.



That's the last time anybody

robbed a train in this country.



- Take it easy, old-timer, I believe you.

- Old-timer, huh?



I'll show you who's old.

Come on. Arm-wrestle me.



Relax, you're gonna

have a heart attack.



- Come on. Come on. I dare you.

- Mind if I try?



Well, I'm a son of a bitch.



If it ain't another son of a bitch.



Deke Yablonski.

We thought you was dead.



You're looking pretty good, though.

I see you're eating good.



You still patrolling, are you?



No, when I busted you two bums,

I made sergeant.




Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.



Hey, give us another one

of them dirty glasses for this guy.



- He's a bigtime sergeant now.

- I don't wanna drink with you, Doyle.



- Besides, I'm on duty.

- On duty?



What the hell does that mean?



You thinking of busting us again,

is that it?



Don't make me laugh.



I know your kind, Doyle.

Once a thief, always a thief.



Sooner or later,

you'll make your move,



and I'm gonna be all over you

like flies on a turd.



Still talking shit, ain't you, Yablonski?



Why don't you be a nice fellow and

get the hell out of here, you fat slob.



Now you're real tough, Doyle.

You scare me.



Maybe you'd like to take a sock at me.



Is that it?



- That it, Doyle?

- Don't do that.



Maybe you ain't got the guts

without your fag friend around.



All right, Yablonski, that does it.



Come on, old man. I'm waiting.



Lights out, fatso.



Ah, Yablonski.



I'll show you who's old,

you dirty, fat slob.



Let's go home, Harry.



How you feeling?






I guess I ain't got the stomach

for booze any more.



So this is it, huh?



- Nice.

- It stinks.



What happened last night?



How'd I get home?



You walked home, I guess.

I just came in a few minutes ago.



What the hell are you doing here?

I thought you was working.



- I quit.

- You quit?



Couldn't take it any more.



Being treated like dirt

ever since I got out of jail.



Sweeping out toilets,

scraping crud off dishes,



my girlfriend trying

to kill me with sex



and I'm dressing like Bozo

the Clown just to fit in.



I don't wanna fit in any more.



That makes two of us.



Listen, Harry,



let's go back to doing

something we really like doing.



You mean like robbing and stealing?



We could put the gang back together.



Just like the old days.



Come on.



Want to start with the bank

that cashed our cheques?



Anything you say, Harry.



- Two for lunch?

- No, ma'am.



I'm looking for Jimmy Ellis.

He around?



His booth's over there.



- Harry Doyle.

- Hello, Jimmy.



Archie Long.



Son of a gun.



- Jeez, how long's it been?

- Too long.



- What?

- Too long, Jimmy.



You guys know my bodyguard, Vince?



So is this business

or pleasure or what?






Vince, blow.



Sit down.



You want lunch?



- They make a decent club.

- No, no.



- We're looking for the guys.

- Huh?



- We're looking for the guys.

- Which guys?



I know lots of guys.



Three Finger Brown, Malt Donovan

and Philly the Mouse.



- That's right.

- Oh, you wanna get a-hold of the gang.



What you got, a stick-up?

Hey, you need pieces?



No, no. We just need the gang.



- Oh. Hey, Vince!

- What?



- Where's Philly?

- Pennsylvania.



No, no, Philly the Mouse.



Harry and Archie need him

for a stick-up.



He's in the bar.



Thanks, Jimmy.



Well, I'll be.



Harry Doyle and Archie Long.



- When did you get out?

- Week ago.



- Did you crash out?

- Paroled.






How would you like

to go back to work?



Would I? Gee, would I ever.



- What's the score?

- Bank.






- You guys been inside?

- Yep.



- Give me numbers.

- Plenty. For everybody.






- How we going in?

- Heavy.



We figure three minutes.



We take the cash drawers.

Harry takes the vault.






- Who's the wheelman?

- Gotta be Eddie Masanti.



- The best.

- He's got arthritis.



- Dick Schultz is much better.

- Kraut?



- Yeah.

- But we heard he was on the lam.



- Yeah.

- No, I just talked to him today.



He's got a room at the Piedmont Hotel.



Here we go, Philly.



- OK.

- There we go, baby.



Thank you, toots.



Hold it, toots.



Guys, that deal we were discussing.






Mr Evans?



Yes, can I help you?



I hope so.



- Where are they?

- Where are who?



Harry Doyle and Archie Long.

Who do you think, puke-head?



- I don't know who you're talking about.

- Don't give me crap.



You're their parole officer.

Now, where are they?



I can't tell you that.

It's privileged information.



- Privileged?

- Yes.



What do you wanna know for?



Because I'm gonna make

dog meat out of them, that's why.



Now, where are they?



You can kill me if you want,

but I'm not gonna talk.



Harry and Archie are my friends.



You'll never make it, dip-shit.






You put Harry into a retirement home?

Ain't you got respect for the bastard?



- I'm not the one trying to kill him.

- You're not, huh?



The only difference between you

and me is that my way is quicker.



Get your coat on.

We're getting out of here.



- Yeah.

- Ruggs?



- Who wants to know?

- Harry Doyle and Archie Long.



Open up.



Yeah, sure, just a second.



Hi, Kraut.



- Get them up.

- Get them up.



- Up, I said.

- Get them up.



Relax, Vito.



- You coppers finally tracked me down.

- Coppers?



- It's me, Harry, and Archie.

- Don't you remember us?



What do you take me for, a mug?

They're dead.



You cops are so dumb,

it's almost a crime to kill you.



Turn around.



- I said, turn around.

- Screw you.



- Turn around.

- Screw you, too.






Harry Doyle and Archie Long

don't take it in the back.



Have it your own way, tough guys.



You guys.



The look on your faces.

You should have seen it.



Pow, it says, pow.



Spelled backwards, wop.



  Adam    please respond.



  Adam   .



This is Jarvis.

What the hell are you doing?



Eating lunch, sir.



Bullshit, Yablonski,

I know what you're doing.



If you're not back in    minutes, you're

eating your retirement dinner tonight.



Yes, sir.



Son of a bitch.



Cripples, crazies.

What the hell happened?



Everybody got old all of a sudden.



- Good morning.

- Good morning.



It's afternoon, tussle neck.



- You're hurting my arm.

- So what?



All right, move.



   . Open this door.



Hey, Jane Fonda.



- Where's Harry Doyle?

- Who are you?



I'm his parole officer.



- I'm his parole off...

- Shut up.



- I warn you, I know karate.

- I warn you, I know Winchester.



Things ain't working out

too good, Harry.



Can't rob a bank without a gang.



- We'll try something else.

- Yeah, like what?



- Harry.

- Now, wait a minute, Archie.



- We never robbed an armoured truck.

- It's like a bank, only it's got wheels.



- Yeah, but the tellers have guns.

- So what?



I'll kick the guard in the nuts,

you knock him over the head.



Piece of cake.



Let's go.



Archie, Archie. Hang on a second.



Hold it.



- That's the dumbest idea I ever heard.

- No, it ain't.



- Yes, it is. I ain't gonna do it.

- I'll do it alone, then.



Put that away.



- You'll get your damn head blown off.

- You got a better idea?



I'm listening.



All right, follow my lead.

And don't kick nobody in the nuts.



Anything you say, Harry.



- I don't feel so good, Arch.

- What's the matter?



- There's a pain in my chest.

- Serious?



- I can't breathe.

- Harry, don't die on me.



Somebody, help me.



My buddy's dying of a heart attack.



- I ain't a doctor.

- You gotta do something.



- What do you want me to do?

- Start by giving him your gun.



Tell the driver to open up.



- He won't until Pete comes...

- Tell him you got a heart attack victim.



An old man, dying.



And you said we couldn't do it, huh?



Together we can do anything.



I'm not too proud to admit

it was your idea.



Or too modest to remind you

it was my plan.



Anything you say, Harry.



Hey, how about a little travelling music.



- Shall we dance?

- Why not.



A roll of quarters.



Believe it, Harry?

One lousy roll of quarters.



I got more than that out

of the newspaper stands.



Let's face it, Arch. We blew it.



No, we didn't.

We stole the truck, didn't we?



- We swiped an empty truck.

- So, how are we supposed to know?



-    years ago, we'd have known.

- This is just a dry run.



- Next time, we'll know better.

- There ain't gonna be no next time.



Are you saying we quit?

We just got started.



We're kidding ourselves, Arch.



Why don't we just forget

about it and go home.



Pretend it never happened.



Here's more on that armoured truck

robbery in downtown this afternoon.



They're talking about us.



According to the truck guards,



the two bandits acted

with such speed and agility,



police now believe they were young

men disguised as senior citizens.




We didn't wear no disguises.



However, despite their agility,

the bandits came up empty-handed



because they stole an empty truck.



Better luck next time, guys.



- They're laughing at us.

- Back to the show.



- Who cares?

- I care.



All right, Archie,

what do you want us to do?



Steal another empty armoured truck?

Maybe start a collection?



No, we gotta do something really big.



- Like what?

- Something they won't laugh at.



Tell me.



We should take down the Flyer.



- Take down the Flyer?

- That's right.



That's the stupidest idea

I've ever heard.



That's what you said

about the truck.



The armoured truck was dumb.

This is stupid.



There ain't nothing to steal.



- Steal the train and ride to Mexico.

- What for?



To prove we can do it.

It's the only time we failed.



No, we're not gonna do it. So forget it.



I'm sick of you telling me

what I can do and what I can't.



Archie, the Gold Coast Flyer

ain't no armoured truck.



It's a   -ton train

going     miles an hour.



That didn't stop us last time.



Last time we were    years younger.



We're    years smarter.

We won't make the same mistakes.



That's right

because we ain't gonna do it.



And one, and two, and three,

and four.



- Now stretch, and two, and three...

- Shut up.



How the hell anyone can live

in a rat hole like this,



- I'd kill myself in an hour.

- You've been here    minutes.



- You didn't have to hit him.

- That's right. I should have shot him.



Get him up. We're getting out.






- Where are we going?

- Disneyland. Out. Out.



- Howard, call the police.

- What's going on?



There's a maniac upstairs with a gun.

Call the police!



- I'm a cop. Where is he?

- He's upstairs, officer.



He's in Room    . He's right up there.



- I think you're scared, Harry.

- Damn right I'm scared.



If you had brains, which you don't,

you'd be scared, too.



I never thought I'd see the great

Harry Doyle turn into a gutless wimp.



Keep it up, Arch. I'll put

another hole in that chin of yours.



Before or after you take your nap,




All right, Archie, that does it.

Now put them up.



Now hold it. Wait a minute, Harry.



- Walk over there.

- Put them up.



- Harry!

- Harry!






That hurt!



You're not supposed to hit a man

with glasses, goddamn it.



- You guys OK?

- Yeah.



The cops. Let's go.



- Call the police!

- I did.



- Call the police!

- Goddamn it, lady.



I am the police!



That's my goddamn car.



- Are you all right?

- I'm fine.



There's a lunatic loose in there.






- Who was that guy?

- I don't know, but he don't like us.



- I tried to stop him, but he had a gun.

- You did fine.



You're a stand-up guy.

We're proud of you.



- We make a pretty good team.

- We make a great team, Richie.



It's nice to have someone around

who's got guts.



- Where'd you guys get this car?

- We swiped it.



- You swiped it?

- Yeah.



- As in stole it?

- That's our job. We steal things.



Don't we, Harry?



I can't believe you guys

stole an armoured truck.



It was empty,

if that makes you feel better.



It's all my fault.



This would have never happened

if I'd been a better officer.



It's not your fault, Richie.

You're the best PO we ever had.



I failed.



See what you're doing

if you steal that train?



Don't you think you've

caused enough trouble?



What are you talking about?

Steal what train?



The Gold Coast Flyer, kid.

Just like the old days.



You can't be serious.



And he's going to get caught

just like the old days.



- You're gonna rob a train by yourself?

- No, no. Not by myself.



I'm getting a new partner.



- You.

- Me?



Sure. A cinch for a couple

of young guys like us.



Think of it.



Archie Long and Richie Evans

on the cover of "People Magazine".



We'd be a goddamn

movie of the week.



- Does he mean it?

- He means it.



Damn right I mean it.



Wait a minute. Wait a minute.



I couldn't do that.



I'm a criminologist. I'm not a criminal.



See, no one wants to have anything

to do with your moronic schemes.






That did it, Harry. I've taken your shit

for    years. I've had it.



Fine with me.



I was getting tired

of carrying you anyway.



Carrying me?



If it wasn't for me, you'd still be sitting

around planning to rob something,



sometime, maybe if it wasn't

too dangerous.



Go ahead, tough guy.

See how far you get without me.



You bet I will.



- And I ain't going to your funeral.

- You ain't invited.



He's not really

gonna go through with it.



Will he?



Once a thief, always a thief.



Broad daylight.



The engineer can see for     yards.



He's gotta stop.



He's gotta be blind not to see this car.



Maybe I should have brought the truck.



Piece of cake.



What's the trouble, officer?



Your train's being robbed.



You're crazy.

Nobody robs trains any more.



I'd say you've been misinformed.



What took you so long?



We gonna waste time gabbing

or are we gonna rob a train?



Anything you say, Harry.



I'm sure we'll be underway




Go forward and ask the engineer

why we've stopped.



Looks like I don't have to.



Afternoon, gentlemen. Ladies.



- My name is Harry Doyle.

- I'm Archie Long.



- What do you want?

- We're taking this train.



Now, you reporters

get them names straight.



Doyle, Long.



He's   . I'm   

and these ain't disguises.



Could you please take pictures?

We ain't modest. Right, Harry?



Right, Arch.



This is nuts. It's     .

Nobody robs trains any more.



Well, somebody did.



And I know who.



Oh, really, Yablonski.

And who might that be?



Same guys that robbed it

   years ago, sir.



And they'll get

another    years this time.



- What?

- It just came over the radio.



Your two heroes have

just hijacked another train.



Oh, no.



First sign of trouble I said

send them back to the pen.



They're good guys.

They just got off to a bad start.



Come on, Evans.



They came out of prison,

and all we did was give them rules.



That's the system.



No, no. We treated them like children.



We told them where to live,

who to see, how to behave.



That's how the system works.



Well, then, the system sucks.



Gentlemen, can you tell us

why you're robbing this train?



- It isn't carrying anything of any value.

- You're wrong, son.



- It's carrying memories.

- Yeah.



That's why we're taking

the whole damn thing.



Nobody's taking nothing nowhere.

Excuse me.



Excuse me.



Lose the iron, shitheads.



Lose it! Come on. Come on.



You're gonna get a reward.



Zip the lip, dog breath.



- Who the hell are you anyway?

- I'm Peter Pan.



I've come to take you

to Never Neverland, OK?



- But you won't be coming back.

- Why do you wanna kill us?



- I'm Leon B Little.

- So?



Leon B Little!

Don't the name mean nothing to you?






Do you at least know

Vinnie Mintelman?



- Yeah.

- Thank God they know somebody.



Vinnie gave me    big ones

to snuff you guys.



- Vinnie's been dead since     .

- Yeah?



And we've been in prison since     .



So I've been waiting since     

for you two guys to get out, OK?






When Leon B Little takes a job,

he sees it through.



That's my reputation.

I'm very proud of it.



There's a whole

goddamn army out there.



All right, everybody face the windows.




What the hell you waiting for?

An engraved invitation? Move!



- Let's see them shoot through that.

- There ain't gonna be no killing.



Harry Doyle and Archie Long

never killed nobody.



- You reporters take note of that.

- Well, I did,    guys.



Take note of that.



Killing them ain't gonna do us

any good. There's cops out there.



Why don't we make a truce.

Start working together.



Yeah, you can kill us later.



OK. But when this is over,

you guys are dead meat.



- You got a deal.

- Right.



Harry Doyle and Archie Long.

This is Yablonski.



- Hold your fire, I'm coming aboard.

- Kiss my ass, Yablonski!



- Who's Yablonski?

- How'd that bum get here?



- He's got a good memory.

- Who's Yablonski?



- Should we let him aboard?

- Why not? See what he has to say.



Who's Yablonski?



Just keep looking out those windows.



That's it. That's it. Damn it.



He's clean.



It's gonna be a habit with us.

You rob a train and I arrest you.



You ain't arrested us yet, Deke.



There's    cops out there.



- Is that all you brought?

- You can't get away.



You try and they'll cut you to pieces.



I sure as hell

don't feel like going back to jail.



Surrender's for wimps. I vote we die.



This guy's nuts.



Did I hear a whisper?



Sorry, Deke. This time

you don't take us without a fight.



- You know what that means?

- We know exactly what that means.



You can take these people

off the train.



We don't want your cops killing

innocent bystanders by mistake.



Hold your fire. The passengers

are coming out. Hold your fire.



Step lively, damn it.



Come on. Move. Move.



I'm gonna get a hundred

of those coppers.



There's only    Leon.



So I'll shoot them all twice.



I'm giving you one chance.

Come out now and nobody gets hurt.



Wait a minute, where are you going?



Who the hell is driving this train?



Not my car.



Come on, you guys.






Top of the world, Ma!



- Arch.

- I wanna throw a little scare into them.



Come on!



Where were you    years ago?



- Hold the fort, Leon.

- What fort?



- What's that?

- Souvenir.



Damn, they think

they're happy cowboys?



What is this, the gunfight

at the OK Corral?



Hold it. Hold it.



- Take me up.

- There isn't room.



There is now.



Richie, what are you doing here?



- I'm part of the team, aren't I?

- You sure are.



I'm proud of you. Look at this.

The Gold Coast Flyer in gold.



Look out!



Take it easy.



- I got him, I got him.

- It's OK. He's one of us now.



Temporarily, temporarily.



Give me back my gun

or I'll jam it up your ass.



We have an update on

the final run of the Gold Coast Flyer.



The train was stopped, boarded

and then hijacked by two armed men.



The bandits identified themselves

as Archie Long and Harry Doyle...



... the same men who robbed

this train    years ago.



Give them hell, Harry.



- How do I talk to these bums?

- Put your headset on.



Try at   -  .



Doyle, Long, this is Yablonski.

You read me?



We hear you, Deke.



This is stupid. You can't get away.

You got no place to run.



We're running to Mexico.



Tell him to open the switches

or we'll wreck the goddamn train.



Open the switches

or we'll wreck the goddamn train.



Let's wreck the goddamn train anyway.



For chrissakes,

the track don't go to Mexico.



Guys, he's right.

They end right here.



Super, you go up there in the tower.

James, you come over here with me.



We didn't come this far

to be stopped by a technicality.



That's right, Harry.

Nothing can stop us.



We have to get rid of some weight.



You'll never cross alive!



Did you see that guy there?

Arrest him. Arrest him.



It ain't over, you bastards!



I'm gonna get you two guys

even if it takes another    years!



I don't think that helped a lot.



But it sure was fun doing it.



Take Richie back and uncouple

the rest of the cars.



We don't need no extra baggage.



Come on, Richie.



- Jump.

- Jump?






- What do you want me to do now?

- Just watch me.



Give me a hand.



Remember, you're a criminologist.

Not a criminal.



If they give you trouble,

tell them we kidnapped you.



So long, tough guy!



There's one guy left behind.

Who's that guy in a SWAT uniform?



Hey, fatso.



What the...?



Nobody fire until I give the command.



Looks like we got

a welcoming committee.



Let's get ready to greet them.



Hang on.



What are they doing?



- They're gonna go for it.

- On my command, commence firing.



They're gonna go for it.



We've been working on the railroad

All the livelong day



We've been working on the railroad

Just to pass the time away



- Go for it, guys!

- Fire.



Holy shit. They're not stopping.

Get out!



Son of a bitch! They made it!

Did you see that? Did you see that?



OK, kid, take me home.



What a ride.



I'm afraid we wrecked their train.



They weren't gonna use it any more,




Here we go again.



Put up your hands.



I'm afraid you're under arrest.



Wait a minute. Wait a minute.



- This ain't fair.

- No?



- There's    of you and just two of us.

- Si.



And you got guns, and we got nothing.



But this is how we put you

under arrest, senor.



Where we come from,

they got rules about making arrests.



- Rules?

- Si.



What kind of rules?



Well, for one thing.


Special help by SergeiK