Trading Places Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Trading Places script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd and Jamie Lee Curtis.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Trading Places. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Trading Places Script



Your breakfast, sir.



Pork bellies! I have a hunch

something exciting is going to happen



in the pork belly market this morning.



Will Miss Penelope

be dining with you this evening, sir?



Yes. Yes, she will.



- Good morning, Mr Winthorpe.

- Morning, Folsey.



- Morning, Mr Winthorpe.

- Good morning.



- Morning, Mr Winthorpe.

- Morning.



- Morning, Mr Winthorpe.

- Morning.



Good morning, Mr Winthorpe.



- Morning, Mr Winthorpe.

- Morning, Mr Winthorpe.



- Good morning, Mr Winthorpe.

- Morning.



- Good morning, Mr Winthorpe.

- Morning.



Pork bellies. I knew it. I knew it!



- Good morning, Mr Duke.

- Good morning, Mr Duke.



- Good morning, Mr Duke.

- Morning, Mr Duke.



- Morning, Mr Duke.

- Morning, Mr Duke.



- Mr Duke.

- Good morning, Mr Duke.



Good morning, Mr Duke.



When do we sell?



How stupid these scientists are!



The eternal question! There is no question.

The answer's obvious.



I don't care about

heredity versus environment.



I'm sick and tired of hearing it. I care

how much we get for our pork bellies.



Winthorpe will sell

at    and a quarter.



His charts say that's as high as it'll go.



It'll never get that high. Let's sell now.



Patience, Mortimer.

Let's see if Winthorpe's right.



Winthorpe's wrong. It's topped out.

I say we sell now.



- Just another few seconds.

- The market's closing.



We won't get the order in.



We just made an extra $      .



Get me Winthorpe.



Well, I never had an instant

of doubt in my mind, Mortimer.



Yes, I'm sure a lot of people

went belly-up on that one.



I'll see you at the club.



Morning Mr Duke.



Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Thank you very much.



Vietnam did this to me

but I'm not bitter, thank you.



Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah?



Spare a poor war veteran some change?

I'm on my knees for life.



I have no money to give you.



Please, anything.



A quarter, just a couple of dollars.



Anything, a quarter, a nickel, please.



Hey, man, I really don't appreciate this.



I don't care what it is,

smoked ham, anything, a jacket.



Thanks! How'd you

like a stump up your ass?



- Stay outta here!

- You've got a lot of soul. I appreciate it.



Listen to this.



"Expect this stagnation to continue,



"until the Department Of Agriculture's



January crop report."



Exactly as we thought, Randolph.



Wrong! Quite wrong. Untrue.



They've given this genetics fellow



the Nobel Prize. He doesn't know

the first thing about human nature.



We're about to make

millions of dollars in frozen orange juice



and you're talking about human nature.



Money isn't everything.



Grow up.



Mother always said you were greedy.



She meant it as a compliment.



Ezra, right on time.



I bet you thought

I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus.



There you are.



Five dollars!

Maybe I'll go to the movies...



by myself.



- Half of it is from me.

- Thank you, Mr Mortimer.



- Gentlemen.

- Looking good, Louis.



Feeling good, Todd.



We need a fourth for squash today, Louis.

Are you interested?



No can do. I'll be having dinner

with Penelope, tonight.



- Oh, lucky you.

- It's not luck, Todd.



Randolph, Mortimer.



What have you got for us?



It's that time of the month again.



Payroll cheques for our employees,

which require your signatures.



And no forgetting to sign the big ones.



We are paying some of our employees

an awful lot of money.



You can't get around

the minimum wage.



$      to Clarence Beeks!

Who the hell...



I meant to ask you about that.

I went through our records,



and there doesn't seem to be

a Clarence Beeks employed with the firm.



Oh, Clarence Beeks.

Yes, of course.



- He's doing something top secret for us.

- Research.



How is Penelope?



Don't forget she's our grandniece - you'd

better make an honest woman of her.



Well, I'll certainly try, sir.

The wedding invitations go out this week.



Good. Good work, Winthorpe.



Don't worry about this,




I'll take care of this one personally.



- Goodbye, Winthorpe.

- Goodbye, Winthorpe.



Winthorpe is a very steady young man.



We're lucky

to have him managing our firm.



Oh, hogwash. Exeter, Harvard -

he's the product of good environment.



It's got nothing to do with environment.



With his genes, you could put him

anywhere and he'd come out on top.



Breeding, same as in race horses.

It's in the blood.



Hey, baby, what's happening?

How you doing?



Once you've had a man with no legs,

you never go back.



I know what you're thinking.

You seen "Porgy And Bess"?



We can make it, baby. Me and you.



You bitch!



- Who's that? Who's there?

- Police!



We've had complaints about con men

pretending to be blind and crippled.



I ain't seen nothing since

I stepped on that landmine in Vietnam.



It was very painful.



You were in 'Nam? So were we. Where?



I was in...Sang Bang...



Dang Gong...



I was all over the place, a lot of places.



What unit?



I was with the Green Berets,

Special Unit Battalions...



Commando Airborne Tactics...

Specialist Tactics Unit Battalion.



Yeah, it was real hush hush.



I was Agent Orange,

Special Agent Orange, that was me.



Airborne, huh?



I can see! I can see!



I have...I have legs.



I have... Oh shit, look at this.

Legs! I can walk.



Jesus, praise Jesus.



I appreciate this. Oh, this is beautiful.

I can't believe... Thank you.



I don't know what to do it's...



Glory be to God. Praise Jesus.

Look at me.



This is too much. I can't believe it.



Ah, beautiful. Listen... I can't thank you.

First Moses, now this. God, Jesus...



I'm so happy, oh God.

Look at me, this is too much.



What a happy day!



Really, I appreciate it.

Y'alls OK now. Look at this.



I can walk. I don't know what to say...

I'll be all right. Take it easy.



Y'all beautiful,

both of you are, the two of you.



How are you doing?



- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Stop thief.



- Help, help!

- What are you talking about, man?



Don't kill me, take it, please.

I'm getting married.



- I don't want your bag.

- Help! Help!



Help! Help!






He's in there. After him.



- Excuse me.

- Watch out. He probably has a weapon.



Stop him. He has my briefcase.



He's inside. That guy's crazy.



He's getting away.



There he is. That's him. Get him.



He's under the table.

Somebody go under there.



Right there. There he is.



Is there a problem, officers?



What in heaven's name is going on here?



- He tried to rob the payroll, Randolph.

- I didn't, he bumped into me.



I did not.

You tried to grab my briefcase.



- It was an accident.

- An accident, really?



- What will happen to him?

- We'll book him



on assault, robbery, and resisting arrest.



Well done, Winthorpe.



I'm innocent.

I was trying to give his briefcase back.



I can't go to jail cos of some ass-wipe.



Officer, I would like to press full charges.



People like this are a menace

to decent society.



You're from a broken home of course?



Yeah, it was broke. So what?



You have a history of juvenile arrests,

I presume?



Drug abuse, reform school,

state prisons and all that-



I want a lawyer.

Is there a lawyer in the house?



That man is a product

of a poor environment.



There's nothing wrong with him,

I can prove it.



Of course there's

something wrong with him...



He's a Negro!



He's probably been stealing

since he could crawl.



Given the right

surroundings and encouragement,



I'll bet that that man could run

our company as well as Winthorpe.



Are we talking about a wager, Randolph?



I suppose you think Winthorpe...

say if he were to lose his job,



would resort

to holding up people on the streets.



No, I don't think that

would be enough for Winthorpe.



We'd have to heap a little more

misfortune on those narrow shoulders.



If he lost his job and his home



and his fiancée and his friends.



If he were somehow disgraced

and arrested by the police



and thrown in jail, even.



Yes, I'm sure he'd take to crime

like a fish to water.



You'd have to put him in the wrong

surroundings, with the worst sort of people.



I mean real scum, Randolph.



We've done it before.



This time it's in a good cause.



How much do you want to bet?



- The usual amount.

- Why not?



You're so brave, Louis.



Someone has to take a stand

against criminals.



But he could have killed you.



In such a situation, you have

no time to think - instinct takes over.



It's either kill or be killed.



Did Louis tell you what he did today?



Mr Louis kindly shared this afternoon's

excitement with me, Miss Penelope.



You're so hot tempered, darling.



I would have grovelled

and begged for mercy.



I want you Louis, now.



- Coleman.

- Sir?



We'll take our drinks in the living room,

by the fire.



- No dessert, sir?

- You have it.



Thank you, sir.






Oh, hello Mr Duke, sir...

A what?



A scientific experiment.



Not at all, sir, no I...



It all sounds very...






Well, it's your house and I work for you.



I shall make the necessary arrangements.



And a very good night to you, sir.



What a scumbag.



Mumsie wants to have a party for us

right after New Year's.



January  nd, is that good for you?



OK with me, hon. Darn nice of her too.



Oh, heck.  nd January. Can't do it.



- Oh, Louis.

- It's the day the crop reports come out.



What do those stupid old crop reports

have to do with Mumsie's party?



It's the busiest time

of year in the office, sugarpuff.



It's just not fair. Why can't you

make them do it another day?



The Department Of Agriculture gets those

estimates from all over the country.



Pork bellies, soybeans,



frozen orange juice.



I'll just have to ask Todd to take me.



Now, wait just a minute. If you think

I'm going to let that playboy...



Just teasing you.



You know something, Witherspoon?



- What?

- We are going to make a great couple.



We're going to have a great life.



- Excuse me, sir.

- What is it?



Will you be needing me any more,

this evening, sir?



No, I think I have everything I want.



Good night, sir.



I had to keep him

under surveillance.



I had to make sure

he had his payroll before I made my move.



- Tell us how you cut him.

- With no knife.



- You told me you cut the dude.

- With these I cut him.



I am a chain belt in Kung Fu.

Bruce Lee was my teacher.



That's the "quart of blood" technique.

Do it, a quart of blood drops out of a body.



- Tell him how you beat on the cop.

- Cops, plural.



Beat the shit out of ten cops and had

to change my whole strategy around.



When they brought you in and booked you,

you was crying like a pussy.



- Yeah.

- The cops threw tear gas in my face.



I still walked in like a man,

so get outta my face.



You beating up a man,

putting him in hospital.



- How come I don't see marks on you?

- Yeah.



Cos I'm a karate man, all right.



Karate men bruise on the inside

They don't show their weaknesses.



You don't know that, motherfucker.

Now get off my back, all right.



I wish my bitches would hurry up.

I ain't got time to be here.



Where is your bitches,

Mr Big Time Pimp?






Didn't I tell you,

the phone in my limousine is busted



and I can't get in contact

with my bitches.



Yeah, the phone in the limo had busted.

Are you ignorant?



- Look, sit down, all right.

- It ain't cool being no jive turkey



so close to Thanksgiving.



Hey, now...



You boys don't know what you're doing,

I can see that already.



Do you know who you're fucking with?

Back the fuck up, back up.



D'you know who you're fucking with

in cell number four on the ninth floor.



- Billy Ray Valentine?

- Yes.



Move it.



- You made bail.

- I did?



May I suggest using a night stick, officer?



Get outta here.



Mr Valentine.



Could you spare us a moment?



- Don't I know you two guys?

- Step inside, nice and warm in here.



- Whisky, all you want.

- I ain't falling for the same trick twice.



You'd get me in the car,

and have me arrested for stealing it.



Why should we do that, Mr Valentine?



We're the ones who bailed you out.



Who are y'all? What y'all want?



We want to help you. My brother and I

run a privately funded programme,



to rehabilitate

culturally disadvantaged people.



We'd like to supply you

with a home of your own, a car,



a generous bank account,

and employment with our company.



We're going to start you at $      a year.



- $     ?

- Mmm.



Excuse me.



This is a practical joke, right, brother?



Then these dudes

are a couple of faggots, huh?



What's my next move, man?



Thank you, you've been helpful.



- What about the payroll?

- We've had the charges dropped.



You're a free man, Valentine.



We can stop right now

and you can walk out on us forever.



No, I believe I can hang out

with you fellas for a while.



- Excellent.

- I'm Randolph Duke.



How you doing Randy, what's happening?



- My younger brother, Mortimer.

- Hey Morty! What it is.



Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.



Randy, that's like Randy Jackson

from the Jackson Five, right?



- Yes, I suppose so.

- Yeah.



Here we are, William.



How you doing?



Hey, Randy, Morty. This is nice, I like this.



- William...

- Billy Ray.



William, this is Coleman.

He'll look after your day-to-day needs.



- Can I relieve you of those?

- You get a glass, I'll give you a sip.



- Perhaps, your coat, sir?

- Yes, this is my coat.



Coleman is here to take care of you.

He is your servant.



- May I?

- Get out of here.



Valentine very badly wants to take a hot

bath and get into something comfortable.



Don't you, Valentine?



Jacuzzi, sir?



I knew you was faggots.

You ain't Jacuzzying nobody.



It's a whirlpool bath sir.



I think you'll enjoy it.



Bubbles, man!

Say, when I was growing up,



we want a Jacuzzi,

we had to fart in the tub. This is bad!



- What's he doing in there?

- He's singing, sir.



They're very musical people, aren't they?



- What shall I do with his clothes?

- Send them to the laundry.



He'll need them to wear back to the ghetto,

after I've won our bet.



- Well, what do you think?

- I like it, Randy, very nice.



I like the way you have the mirror and stuff.



- I don't think he understands.

- Morty, I do understand.



- William, this is your home.

- Right.



- It belongs to you.

- Yeah, I like my home. It's very nice.



- I have nice taste in houses.

- Everything here is yours.



- This is my stuff?

- Your own property.



- My own personal shit.

- You understand?



Yeah, I like that.

You know what I like most?



The curtains, it's beautiful the way

I've set this place up.



This is something else.

I like it. The cabinets.



Beautiful. I suppose

you'll give me this TV set for free?



- That's right.

- Everything here is mine?



- I guess the stereo's mine too?

- Absolutely.



This is too much.

I could really dig this. You know why?



This happens to me every week.



This is your house.



These are your personal possessions.



You will only be stealing from yourself.



Look, first you throw my ass in jail.



Then you run me some garbage

about how this is my house, this is my rug



and this is my personal slave too.



I understand how you feel

but the fact remains, all this is yours.



You may do with it whatever you wish.



This is my stuff.

I can do what I want with it, right?



This is my vase, Billy Ray's vase?



I can play Harlem Globetrotters

shit with it, like Meadow Lark Lemon?



- Hey man, I'm sorry about that.

- Perfectly all right, it was your vase.



That was a fake, right?



I think we paid $      for it.



But, I seem to remember we estimated

its value at $      for the insurance.



You see, Mortimer? William

has already made us a profit of $     .



You want me to break something else?






Excuse me.



I hope we're not pushing it, using Mr

Beeks for this, as well as the crop report.



We are involved in a very important

scientific experiment, Mortimer



and Mr Beeks has always proven reliable.



Excuse me... Sorry.



Hello, Todd. Gents.



Gentlemen. There is something rotten

in the Heritage Club.



Something that has

never raised its vile head



in the     years of the club's history.



There is a thief,



and he's sitting here among us.



Not an ordinary thief like the man



Winthorpe had the guts

to stand up to yesterday.



No, this man is a hundred times lower.



I'd like to introduce Mr Beeks

of Lyndhurst Security.



Thank you. I'd like

to ask you gentlemen to all stand up.



I'd like to ask you to place

your left hand on the shoulder



of the man to your left.



I would now ask you



to place your right hand in the coat pocket

of the member to your right.



And empty the contents

of those pockets onto the table.



Thank you.



You may sit.



We marked three $   bills with red X's.



Less than ten minutes ago



those bills were stolen

from a coat in the cloakroom.



One of our operatives witnessed the theft.



Now, wait a minute. I've never seen

this money before in my life.



Randolph, Mortimer, this is outrageous.

I haven't done anything wrong.



Oh, Winthorpe.



I'm glad your parents

are not alive to see this.



Wait, this is preposterous.

This is insane.



I have no reason to steal. I'm not a thief.



I demand a fair hearing.

At least grant me that.



You realise you're making

a grave mistake.



Boy, are you two going to be sorry.

You know who I am?



Yeah, Winthorpe Louis III.



I'm permitted two calls,

point me to the phone.



- Take off your clothes.

- Wait, I know my rights.



Take off your clothes.



You are making a career decision here.

Now, you'd better think about it.



Because you'll have to live with it

for the rest of your life.



Strip, before I tear you a new asshole.



Did you hear what this man said?



Now, I have witnesses.

This man is physically threatening me.






Louis the third.



All right. One gold watch.



One alligator skin wallet.



Master Charge,

American Express...Gold Card.



Visa, Diner's Club, Carte Blanche.



Two tickets...



- "La Bo-heem"

- "La Bohéme" - it's an opera.



It's an opera.



- One cellophane bag.

- I've never seen that before in my life.



That's PCP - phencyclidine.

Angel dust.



You ever seen

what this stuff does to kids?



You're looking

at three to five, mandatory...Louis.



What's happening, Terry?

Gimme a bottle of your best champagne.



You've got a nerve,

showing your face here after all this time.



Look, man, I got your money.



I got your poor...measly...$  ...



with interest.



Billy Ray, honey. Is that you?



Who do you think it is?

Terence, get the lady some champagne.



In fact, champagne for everybody,

courtesy of Billy Ray Valentine.



A toast to Billy Ray?



I'm very sexy.



People will say, "Billy Ray, you're sexy,"

and not understand my sexuality.



I know.



You was in the tank last night,

braggin' on your limousine.



You're the motherfucker

I was gonna carve.












That's my limousine outside,

why don't you take a look at it?



Right outside?






You took care of him, baby.



I was gonna kick his ass,

but I'm a peaceful man.



Ladies, it's time for me to get home.



But if any of you ladies want

to drop by my house for cocktails,



there's plenty of room in my limousine.



Come on, everybody.



- You're looking so fine, Billy Ray.

- Thank you very much.



If you're gonna vomit,

the bathroom's downstairs.



No, downstairs, man.






Hey! Hey!



That's a Persian rug. It's from Persia.



What is this shit here?



Hold up! Hey, who's been

putting out their Kools on my floor?



Who has been putting out

their Kools on my floor?



Have you people ever heard of coasters?



Would you like me to prepare some

more hors d'oeuvres for the guests, sir?



Fuck them.



Coleman, there was more people

in this room before, where 'd they go?



I believe some of them

have adjourned upstairs, sir.



To my bedroom?



I'm waiting for you, Billy Ray.



Put your clothes on

and get out.



Yeah, that's my girl, over there.



Can I have everybody's attention please?



Get the fuck out!



Good night, sir.



Good night, madam.

I hope you enjoyed it.



Thank you.



It was a stone groove, my man.



You are the most righteous...



Get the fuck out, man.

Let's go, come on.



Hurry up.



And be quiet out there.

My neighbours are asleep, they work too.



Well, your...



Your friends seemed to enjoy it,

I thought it was a great success.



They weren't friends. They're a bunch of

freeloaders, treating my house like a zoo.



Why don't you retire, sir? I'll straighten up.

You've got a big day tomorrow.



Yeah, yeah, I think I will...






Good night, Coleman. Thanks, man.



Good night, sir.



Let's go, Winthorpe.



- Excuse me.

- I'll see you later, we'll have lunch.



How would you like

to make a fast hundred?



I just got out.



Are you trying to entrap me right here?

You guys must be getting desperate.



Is that your purse?






That's a nice purse.



Thank you.



Darling, I'm so glad to see you.



Louis, you're making a scene.



The good news is I'm innocent.



I've never done anything resembling this.



Louis, you look awful. I'm so ashamed.



Those clothes and those shoes and...



you've been fighting, and you smell.



I smell?



Penelope, do you realise

where I've been since yesterday?



They beat me up and stole my clothes.



Those men wanted to have sex with me.



- Can we discuss this somewhere else?

- They tried to bend me over this...



If this place is indicative

of correctional institutions in this country,



they might as well let all the convicts out.



It's far worse on the inside.



Stealing from your friends, Louis?

Heroin, Louis? Have you lost your mind?



Mother wants me to call off the wedding

and so does Todd.



Todd, what does Todd have to do with it?



You've been fired from Duke & Duke.

They're charging you with embezzlement.




I've never stolen anything in my life.



How could the man I loved,



whose children I wanted to have

and breast-feed, be a heroin dealer?



It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust, PCP...



Listen Penelope,

I swear to you, on my honour,



with almighty God as my witness,



I am not an angel dust dealer.



Oh, Louis.



I've been looking

everywhere for you, baby.



- Louis, I'm hurting. I just need a shot.

- Would you please...



- Who is this person?

- I've never seen this woman before.



Don't say that, Louis.



Come on baby, just a dime bag.

I'll do all those things you like.



You lying...filthy...disgusting...creep.



Todd was right about you. I never want

to see you again as long as I live.



Grand! Great! Thanks a lot.



It was a joke.

Your friend said it would get you off.



- Someone told you to do this to me?

- Yeah, and he paid me $   .



He's over there.



Let me get this straight,

I give you    for the cab,



and you'll give me    at your house?



That is correct.

My butler will give you $  



and drive you anywhere you wish.



You don't exactly look like

the type that has a butler.



- If you're hustling me...

- Hustling you, hustling you?



You don't think they give these

to just anyone, do you?



I can charge goods and services

in over    countries around the world.



Yeah? Well I don't take credit cards.



You'll see what a mistake all this was.






Coleman, could you let me in?

I'm having trouble with my key.



- Who are you? What do you want?

- Just let me in, I'm in no mood for jokes.



Coleman? There's no Coleman here.

You've made a mistake.



Excuse me, for a moment.



Coleman! Let me in.



If you don't go away,

I shall call the police.



Hello. I'll be making a cash withdrawal

for the amount of $   .



In fact, make it $    .



Excuse me.



I'm sorry, Mr Winthorpe,

but the IRS has frozen your accounts.



What? You know me.



You're a heroin dealer, Mr Winthorpe.



It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust - PCP

and I never touched it.



Regardless, it's not the kind of business

we want at First National.



May I see your credit cards please?



- I've been ordered to repossess them.

- What?



Wait, what am I supposed to live on?

What's going to happen to me?






Why is someone

deliberately trying to ruin my life?



Tell you what. Forget about the $   OK?



I'm just real tired. I'm going home.



You've got to believe me.

You must believe me.



I have been framed.

You can't just leave me here.



I've got enough problems, Louis.



Come on, come on.



Listen! Wait!






I have over $       in that bank.



But you don't care because

you helped them do this to me.



Get off your knees, Louis.



Give me your hand.



Soft hands.



And a manicure. Never done a hard day's

work in your life, have you?



I'm gonna regret this but...



come on. Get in.



I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

This has been a grave mistake.



Hey, that looks just like

the dude that had me busted.






Right there,

he looked just like the mother...



I mean, he looks just like

the gentleman that had me busted.



To whom are you referring, sir?



The dude right there.



- Right over there.

- That's my car.




Coleman, that's my car!



That's my car! That's my driver.



There's some strange shit

going on here, Coleman.



You don't want

to be late for your first day, sir.



What do they want me to do here?



- I'm sure they'll tell you.

- What if I can't do it?



Just be yourself, sir.



Whatever happens,

they can't take that away from you.



- Excuse me, my name is...

- Mr Valentine.



They're waiting in the last office

down the hall.



- Ah, William, my boy. Right on time.

- Come in, come in.



Sit down.



No thanks, guys.

I already had breakfast.



This is not a meal, Valentine.



We are here to try to explain to you,

what it is we do here.



We are commodities brokers, William.



Now, what are commodities?



Commodities are agricultural products.



Like coffee, that you had for breakfast.



Wheat, which is used to make bread.



Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon,



which you might find in a bacon,

lettuce and tomato sandwich.



Then there are other commodities like...

frozen orange juice...and gold.



Though, of course, gold

doesn't grow on trees like oranges.



- Clear so far?

- Yeah.



Good, William.

Now, some of our clients are speculating



that the price of gold

will rise in the future.



We have other clients who are speculating

that the price of gold is going to fall.



They've placed their orders with us



and we buy or sell their gold for them.



Tell him the good part.



The good part is that no matter whether

our clients make money,



or lose money,

Duke & Duke get the commissions.



Well, what do you think, Valentine?



Sounds to me like you guys

are a couple of bookies.



I told you he'd understand.



It doesn't take a genius

to figure out what happened.



It's the same guy who tried

to rob the payroll, no doubt, that's him.



He planted the drugs on me.



Rachim, Mohammed, Larry.

How are you guys doing?



Hey, hey, how ya doing?



You know those people?



He was wearing my Harvard tie.



Can you believe it? My Harvard tie.

Like, oh sure, he went to Harvard.



If he's being driven around in my car,

he could actually be living in my house.



Maybe he's even taken my job.



For all I know, right at this moment

he could be fondling my fiancée.



And Coleman -

after years of service, this betrayal.



I don't understand it.



There's going to be retribution.

Oh, he's going to pay.



- The things that I...

- Shut up, Louis.



Taxis cost money,

food costs money and rent costs money!



Now, you want me to help you out,

I expect a lot in return.



These were here when I moved in.

Put 'em on if you want.



Look, I cannot begin to tell you

how much I appreciate this...



- Ophelia.

- Ophelia, you realise that's the name...



I know, Hamlet's girlfriend.

He went crazy, she killed herself.



This is not Shakespeare, Louis.



I'm   . I'm from a small, miserable

mining town you probably never heard of.



The only thing I've got going for me,

is this body, this face,



and what I got up here.



I don't do drugs.



And I don't have a pimp.



This place is a dump.



But it's cheap,

it's clean and it's all mine.



I've saved    grand

and it's in T-Bills earning interest.



I've got three more years on my back.

I'll have enough to retire.



You're a prostitute?



I'm talking about

a business proposition, Louis.



I help you get back on your feet

and you pay me, in cash, five figures.



That's the deal

and it's not subject to negotiation.






By the way, food and rent are not

the only things here that cost money.



You sleep on the couch.



It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's buy.



Buy     May belly contracts at   . .



- Put them on my personal account.

- That's a big mistake, man.



- Valentine, this is very important, watch.

- You're going to get reamed on this one.



Why shouldn't we buy now, William?



Price is going to keep going down.



Randolph, this isn't

Monopoly money we're playing with.



This is Randolph Duke.

Hold that belly over a moment.



Tell me why you think

the price of pork bellies is going down.



- It's Christmas time. Everybody's uptight.

- Could we please buy now?



- If you want to lose money go ahead.

- What are you trying to say?



OK, pork belly prices

have been dropping all morning.



So everybody's waiting for them

to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap.



The people with

pork belly contracts are thinking,



"Hey, we're losing all our money

and Christmas is coming.



"I won't be able to buy my

son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip.



"And my wife won't make love to me

cos I ain't got no money."



They're panicking, screaming, "Sell, sell."



They don't want to lose all their money.

They are panicking right now. I can feel it.



Look at them.



He's right, Mortimer, my God, look at it.



I'd wait till you get to    then buy.



You'll have cleared out

all the suckers by then.



Do you realise how much money

he just saved us?



Money isn't everything, Randolph.



Advise our clients

interested in bellies to buy at   .



Mr Valentine has set the price.



Well done, William.

Very well done.



Come on, Randolph, we're gonna be late.




Mortimer dropped his money clip.



- You can count it, it's all there.

- Thank you.



- It's all there, count it.

- I'm sure it is. Keep up the good work.



All right, Randy.



Nice try, Mortimer.



That was great, that was really great.



...and she stepped on the ball.



Oh my God, I don't believe it.



- Ah, there you are.

- I think I'm going to be sick.



Don't worry, I'll handle this, Pookums.



Todd, Harry, Andrew, Philip.



I realise this looks completely awful

but I just wanted to assure you,



my friends, that I am completely innocent.



I'm going to fight this.

Someone is out to get me and I know who.



The important thing is

that I can rely on you,



my friends, as character witnesses.



I'm going to be defending myself



and I wondered

if you could see your way clear



to perhaps advance me

a small loan until the hearing.



Frankly, Winthorpe,

and I think I speak for all of us,



I think it shows incredibly bad taste

for you to embarrass us like this.



I believe I'm still a member of this club.



Nobody wants to buy your drugs, Louis.

Why don't you just go away?



Burnt my fingers, man.



I beg your pardon.



Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.



Hot? Do you mean to imply, stolen?



- I'll give you    bucks for it.

-    bucks!



No, no, no. This is a Rochefoucauld, the

thinnest water-resistant watch in the world.



Singularly unique, sculptured in design,



hand-crafted in Switzerland

and water-resistant to three atmospheres.



This is the sports watch of the '  s.

$     retail.



Got a receipt?



Look, it tells time simultaneously



in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London,

Paris, Rome and Gstaad.



In Philadelphia it's worth    bucks.



Just give me the money.



How much for the gun?



So, this snail is standing

in front of the Cadillac salesman, see,



and says,

"How much is that Cadillac?"



The snail says,

"I want a big 'S' put on each door



"and on top of the car, I want a big 'S'

so everybody can see it."



Salesman says, "Why do you want that?"

He says, "When I drive down the avenue...



"I want everybody to say

'Look at that S-car-go."'



"Look at the S-car-go."



I'm considering going long on April wheat.

What do you think, Valentine?



I can think of three good reasons

why you shouldn't do that, judge.



One, the Russian wheat harvest isn't going

to be as bad as people think...and two...



...and three, judging by

the jewels around your girlfriend's neck,



I think you're going to need every penny

just to keep her happy.




That's it, you're staying in bed.



That man has moved into my house.

He's stolen my job. I have to do something.



Stay here.



It's ten o'clock - here's Johnny.



Listen, baby, I'm sorry.

My momma just came in from outta town.



Can we do it next week?



Flowers for me?






- What are you doing?

- You've got company.



Business is business.

I'll go for a walk.



- Fresh air will do me good.

- Lay down.



I'm sorry you had to cancel

your appointment.



What are you doing?



Ophelia, I can't tell you

how good that feels.



You've been so kind to me.



I'm just protecting my investment.

That's all.



Shut up and go to sleep.



   and a half. You're not

getting out of bed until it's normal.



I feel fine and I've

inconvenienced you enough.



You have work to do and so do I.



Nobody works on Christmas Eve.



I'm going shopping

and then I'll make you a nice quiet dinner.



Now, read your paper.



Christmas! I'll give him a Christmas

present he'll never forget.



Ah William, where've you been?

The party's already begun.



I have some work to finish.



It's Christmas Eve

and William wants to keep working.



I'll think of you in Stockholm,

when I accept the Nobel Prize.



The wager has two parts - something

about a second party turning to crime.



Didn't you say you had work to do?



Yes sir. I was wondering about this

$      cheque to Mr Clarence Beeks.



I'll take care of it, Valentine.



I don't recall a Clarence Beeks, Mr Duke.



It was before you joined us, Valentine.



We did manage to stay in business

for    years before your arrival.



Have a drink, William.

Merry Christmas.



- Merry Christmas, Mr Duke.

- What?



- Merry Christmas.

- Oh, oh, Merry Christmas.



Ho, ho, ho!



Just what do you think you're doing?



Randolph, Mortimer, come in here quickly,

I've finally caught him.



- Who are you?

- I've caught him red-handed.



Winthorpe, is that you?



I'm making a citizen's arrest.

This man is a drug dealer.



Look, his office drawer,

he's got all the bad drugs here.



Marijuana joints, pills, Quaaludes,



Valium, yellow ones, red ones,

cocaine grinder, drug needles.



He's the pusher, not me.



I just came in

and caught him planting this stuff.



It's obviously

some primitive attempt to frame me.



Frame you? Boy, if that

isn't the pot calling the kettle black.



This man's obviously a lunatic.

I'm calling security.



Put that phone down.



Hello, security...

Merry Christmas.



You tried to rob me,

plant drugs on me.



You steal my house, my car, my job.

I ought to kill him now.



Look, this is a big misunderstanding.



I don't know nothing about it.

Could you put the gun away?



Put that gun away at once, Winthorpe.

Have you lost your mind?



Freeze, slime ball.



I realise this whole experience

must have been rather unsettling for you.



Winthorpe, don't leave. We can explain.



Yeah, you'll be sorry.



You'll all be very, very sorry.



Poor, deluded creature.

We caught him pilfering at our club,



embezzling funds, selling drugs.



Now he's dressing up like Santa Claus.



Very sordid business.



I can't believe Winthorpe

would fall to pieces like that.



It's not my business,

but he belongs behind bars.



- He's unemployed, Valentine.

- It's no excuse, Mortimer.



He's flat broke, obviously hungry.



But he has money to buy drugs, right?



You can't be soft on people like that.

Take it from me, Randolph.



Pay up, Mortimer, I've won the bet.



Here, one dollar.



We took a perfectly useless

psychopath, like Valentine,



and turned him

into a successful executive.



And during the same time,



we turned an honest, hard-working man



into a violently deranged, would-be killer.



Now, what are we going to do

about taking Winthorpe back



and returning Valentine to the ghetto?



I don't want Winthorpe back

after what he's done.



You mean keep Valentine on,

as Managing Director?



Do you really believe I would have a nigger

run our family business, Randolph?



Of course not. Neither would I.



I do think we should hold off

on switching them back, though.



Until we get that crop report,

New Year's Eve, don't you?



Absolutely, no sense

rocking the boat until then.



If Mr Beeks does what we paid him to do,



we should have a very happy New Year.






Hey, Winthorpe, Winthorpe.






Hey, Winthorpe.

Yo, Winthorpe.



Winthorpe. Yo.



Sorry about that.



Yo! Yo!



Hey, Taxi!



Hi, Louis. Merry Christmas.



Louis, I have a big surprise for you.



Excuse me. The door was open...

I'm looking for a Louis Winthorpe.



- Does he live here?

- Wait here a minute, I'll be right back.



Louis, Louis. It's him. It's Valentine.



Louis... Louis?






It was close but he's going to be all right.



Now, make sure he gets plenty of rest.



And for God's sake, no excitement.



Thanks, Doc. Merry Christmas.



Merry Christmas to you.

I'll let myself out, Coleman. Thank you.



- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.



It was a dream.

I dreamt the whole thing.



It was just a bad dream.



Good morning, sir.



Merry Christmas.



Coleman, I've had

the most absurd nightmare.



I was poor and no one liked me.



I lost my job, I lost my house.

Penelope hated me.



And it was all because

of this terrible, awful Negro.



- Oh dear!

- lt...was...the...Dukes.



You're a dead man, Valentine.



It was an experiment.

They used us as guinea pigs, man.



The Dukes used us as guinea pigs.



To see how our lives would turn out.

They made a bet.



- I'm afraid it's true, sir.

- I believe him, Louis.



The Dukes ruined my life over a bet?



- For how much?

- A dollar.



One dollar.



Fine, that's the way they want it.



No problem.



You can't just shoot people

with a double-barrelled shotgun



cos you're pissed at them.



- Why not?

- It's assault with a deadly weapon.



You get    years for that shit.



Do you have any better ideas?



Yeah, it seems the best way to hurt rich

people is by turning 'em into poor people.



You have to admit,

you didn't like it yourself a bit.



Under heavy security,



the crop estimates

for next year's orange crop



are being delivered to the Department

Of Agriculture in Washington DC.



Louis, Louis, that's him,

the guy who paid me to talk dirty to you.



In charge of security, Mr Clarence Beeks

of Lyndhurst Security.



Clarence Beeks.



- The Dukes gave him    grand.

- I saw       in the payroll.



Mortimer said it was for research.



Research, so he can get that top secret

report, two days before it goes public.



Oh my God, the Dukes will corner

the entire frozen orange juice market.



Unless somebody stops them.



Or beats them to it.






Duke & Duke, may I ask who's calling?



Duke & Duke, he's busy.

Can you hold please?



May I help you? One moment,

Mr Beeks, I'll put you right through.



Operation "strange fruit"

proceeding according to plan.



I anticipate penetration and acquisition

at   :   tomorrow. Hold on.



Fuck off!



- When can we expect delivery?

- I will be leaving DC by train.



Will rendezvous at   :   at the

Hilton Hotel, parking level D, Section  .



That's the orange section.



Orange, I like that, very good.



The final payment is due on delivery,

in cash.



Jesus, hey!



Happy New Year!



- Ever make it with an ape?

- Harvey, haven't you had enough drink?



Are you kidding,

it's not even New Year's Eve.



Come here, kiss this beautiful ape.



Come on.



Harrisburg Express...



- What?

- It's my turn to drive.



- No it isn't.

- It is.



- I'm sure you think it is, but it isn't.

- Don't you remember?



you drove the shipment of anchovies.



Yeah, but you had the video tape

recorders this afternoon.



I backed them up about five feet.



We take turns. Sometimes it's longer,

sometimes shorter. It's my turn now.



- No it isn't.

- Yes it is.



- Merry New Year.

- Happy New Year.



In this country, we say, "Happy New Year".



Thank you for correcting my English,

which stinks.



I am Naga Eboko,

exchange student from Cameroon.



Beef jerky time.



- You want some beef jerky?

- No, please.



There's plenty, you know.



This animal's being

routed through to New York.



Its care and feeding instructions

are on this bill of lading.



OK, gotcha.



I doubt you'll have need it but, there's

a tranquilliser gun in the First Aid kit.



- Oh, yeah?

- Say, have you guys been drinking?



- No, sir. Not us.

- There's enough drunks here already.



Happy New Year.



That's kind of you, son.

A Happy New Year to you, too.



Could I offer either of you two gentlemen

a wee jolt of Irish whisky,



to usher in the New Year.



Not for me, pal.



I do not drink. It is against my religion.



I always say, religion's a fine thing,

taken in moderation.



Beef jerky?



No son, it gives me wind,

something terrible.



We are moving! We are moving!



New York, here we come!



Come in, my child, join the party.



Let me see, you would be from Austria.

Am I right?



- No, I am Inga from Sweden.

- Sweden?



But you're wearing Lederhosen.



Je, for sure, from Sweden.



Please, help me with my rucksack.



Oh yeah, sure, why not?



I'm hungry, man.

I've got to get something more to eat.



Well, maybe there's

some pretzels in the bar car.



You're welcome!



- Who is that?

- Open the door, man.



I'm dressed as a baggage handler.



Imagine how embarrassed I was that

someone had the same costume I had!



Monkey, monkey?

I'm a fucking gorilla you clown!



I certainly hope there's

enough space on the train for me.



Naga, Naga Eboko, from Cameroon.



Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph.



Lionel, from the African Education

Conference, right?



I was Director of Cultural Events

at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.



I remember

we have big fun there.



Now we are all here,

we will have a picnic, je?



You will help me get my rucksack down

for the Swedish meatballs.



- Remember the one we did?

- Yeah.



- The memories.

- All day long I could tell those stories.



- Those were good ones.

- The good old days.



- There you are, sweet pea.

- Denke.



So, the train will be

pulling into Philadelphia soon.



Will you be getting off

at the city of brotherly love?



I will but you won't...






- See if this one's empty.

- Hey, back off.



I'll rip out your eyes

and piss on your brain.



- Excuse me.

- You got it.



All right. On your feet. Up! Let's go.



Bunch of fucking weirdos!

We're going to take a little walk.



Don't try anything funny

or the whore loses a kidney.



- No, I'm from Sweden.

- Beat it.



Hey, I'm King Kong,

the biggest, baddest guy in the jungle.



Get lost, you maggot.



Hey, who is that guy,

your father or something?



All right, hold it right here.



- Honestly, Beeks.

- This is as far as we go.



No more cockamamie cigar smoke.



No more Swedish meatballs there, tootsie.



And no more phoney Irish whisky.



No more goddamn jerky beef.



The party's over.



The party's over. Hey, come on.



What do you mean, "The party's over"?



It's not even ten o'clock, you dummy.



Hey, come on. Loosen up, man.



It's almost New Year's Eve.



Hey, look what happened to me!



Sometimes, they look so human,

it gives you the creeps.



Boy, that other one's

getting kinda horny, ain't he?



Think we ought to hit him up

with the tranquilliser gun?



It's New Year's. Let 'em have their fun.



That black one must be the female.



- Where is he?

- Beeks. Are you there, Beeks?



I'm over here.



That's far enough.



Did you get the report?



Let's see the money.



OK, toss it over.



Thank you, Beeks.



Wonderful news. Wonderful.



Beeks, Happy New Year.



My life savings. Try not to lose it.



Lose it? In a couple of hours, you're going

to be the richest butler that ever lived.



I worked real hard for this, Louis.

Hope you know what you're doing.



- Thank you, Ophelia.

- What are you doing?



  :   ...



That's us, Louis.



Coleman, would you please.



Thank you.



I could use a stiff drink.

Would you care to join me?



- Morning, Mr Duke.

- Wilson.



- Good morning, Mr Duke.

- Wilson.



Keep the change.



Think big, think positive.

Never show any sign of weakness.



Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high.

Fear, that's the other guy's problem.



Nothing can prepare you for the unbridled

carnage you are about to witness.



The Super Bowl, the World Series.



Pressure? Here it's kill or be killed.

Make no friends and take no prisoners.



One minute you're up half a million,

the next, boom.



Your kids don't go to college

and you've lost your Bentley.



We've got to kill the motherfucker...

We've got to kill them.



We want you to buy as much OJ

as you can, the instant trading starts.



Don't worry if the price starts going up,

just keep buying.



They'll broadcast the crop report

in an hour, what if...



Let us worry about that, Wilson.



Yes, sir.



- How's the ulcer, Harry?

- Pretty good. How's the hypertension?



Hasn't bothered me in months.



Let's kick some ass.



This is it. The last

bastion of pure capitalism left on earth.



Here in New York they trade everything,

gold, silver, platinum,



heating oil, propane, cocoa and sugar



and, of course,

frozen, concentrated orange juice.



The people on the phones are taking

orders from brokers all over the world.



The runners hand those

orders to the traders in the pits.



They're trading cotton over there.

And that's the silver pit.



The Dukes' trader is going to be

buying like crazy right from the opening.



We wait until he drives the price up?



Right. I can't wait to see his face, when

they broadcast that genuine crop report.



OJ trading opens at  :  .



- Let's go kick some butt.

- Let's go.



Hey, hey. The Dukes

are trying to corner the market.



- They know something.

- Let's get in on it.






-    .

-        .






Not yet, almost.



-     taken.

-    .



- Yeah, yeah, got 'em.

-    .




Sell,     April at    .



That's not right.

How can the price be going down?



Something's wrong. Where's Wilson?



What are they doing here?



- They're selling, Mortimer.

- Why, that's ridiculous.



- Unless that crop report...

- God help us.



I told you we shouldn't have

committed everything, you asshole.



We've got to get Wilson and tell him to sell.



Ladies and gentlemen,



the Secretary Of Agriculture.



Ladies and gentlemen, the

orange crop estimates for the next year.



After calculating the estimates from

various orange producing states,



We have concluded the following...



The cold winter has apparently

not effected the orange harvest.



...consumers can expect

orange juice prices to fall...



Wilson, for Christ's sake, sell.



Buy 'em.



Wilson, where are you going?



You idiot. Get back in there at once

and sell, sell.



- Five.

- Yeah,    .



-    .

- Yeah, that was    .



Did you get that?



Happy New Year.



- Winthorpe.

- Valentine.



- How'd you make out today?

- How could you do this to us,



after everything we've done for you?



Oh, see I made Louis a bet here.



Louis bet me that we couldn't get rich

and put you in the poorhouse.



He didn't think we could do it. I won.



I lost.



- One dollar.

- Thank you, Louis.



- After you.

- Certainly.



Margin call, gentlemen.



- Why you can't expect...

- You know the rules.



All accounts to be settled at the

end of the day's trading, without exception.



You know perfectly well,

we don't have $    million in cash.



I'm sorry, boys. Put the Duke brothers'

seats on the exchange up for sale at once.



Seize all assets of Duke & Duke

Commodity Brokers,



as well as all personal holdings

of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.



We're ruined!



This is an outrage,

I demand an investigation.



You can't sell our seats. A Duke has been

on this exchange since it was founded.



We founded this exchange. It's ours.



It belongs to us.



We'd better call your brother

an ambulance.



Fuck him!

I want trading reopened, right now.



Get those brokers back in here.

Turn those machines back on.



Turn those machines back on.



You and your Nobel Prize, you idiot.



Where's Beeks? Where in hell is Beeks?



- Beeks!

- Yeah, I forgot all about that guy.



OK, one male gorilla.



Wait a minute.

There's two of them in that cage.



One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal.

Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa.



It's a big scientific experiment.

What do I know? Anyway, they're in love.



- Hey, Coleman.

- Yes.



What about lunch?

The lobster or the cracked crab?



- What do you think?

- Can't we have both?



Why not?



- Dimitri.

- Sir.



- Lobster and cracked crab for everyone.

- Extra prima good, Mr Coleman, sir.



Looking good, Billy Ray.



Feeling good, Louis.

Special help by SergeiK