Voila! Finally, the Trick
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Tori Spelling movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Trick. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Trixie.
Gabe, could she use
the bathroom first?
I really gotta pee.
Yeah, sure.
She's company, Gabe.
I'll be fast.
You didn't have to stay out
all night.
I fell asleep in the hall.
I thought Judy was coming back
from Paris tonight.
That's right.
I need the apartment tonight.
No problem.
Penny, Penny, Twitty,
and Faffenburger.
Vivian Faffenburger's office,
Gabriel speaking.
-Hey, babe.
-Katherine.
-Are you busy?
-I'm so busy.
-Good, can you talk?
-Sure.
So, that cute guy
we met at Footlight Records...
took me to dinner.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, my God, babe.
Dress rehearsal totally sucked,
but that's good luck, right?
No. He took me to dinner because
he wanted me to play piano...
for one of his auditions for
the national tour of "Titanic."
It wasn't a date.
Men are such scum.
Can you run lines with me?
Sure, just a sec.
Oh, great.
Chapter fourteen, right?
OK. Who is he, the Son of man?
Is he as beautiful as you are?
Get thee behind me.
I hear in the palace
the beating of the wings...
of the angel of death.
-Jokanen.
-Who speaketh?
I am amorous
of your mouth, Jokanen.
It is like a pomegranate cut
in twain with a knife of ivory.
There is nothing in the world
so red as your mouth.
Suffer me to kiss your mouth.
Don't tell me.
You better tell me.
Never, daughter of Babylon...
daughter of Sodom, never!
This needs to go out
this afternoon.
-Never!
-Gotta go.
Call me later.
Can you sign my timecard?
Hard day at the office?
Did you find a rhyme
for the lyric in the second "A"?
I'm working on it.
Uh, what's with the umbrella?
What am I supposed to sing?
Should I hum or what?
Yeah, yeah, hum.
Or maybe la la la.
-Fine.
-I'll wing it.
Are we in studio "D,"
because I hate...
what the acoustics
in that room do to my voice.
OK, this is the song for
the second act of my musical.
Uh, it will be sung
by the character of--
Once again, my friend
Katherine Lamberg...
will be singing the part
of Dorkus the maid.
Oh, and she brought her picture
and résumé...
in case anyone's interested.
I will be reading
the part of Rodrigo...
and stage directions.
OK. OK, Rodrigo's just finished
his big ballad...
applause, applause, applause.
That's some story.
It would take a miracle
for me to ever love again.
But miracles can happen.
I've never seen one.
Never?
Well, not for a very long time.
Buck up, Rodrigo.
I think you're just about due
for a miracle.
They kiss.
Rodrigo exits.
I've heard
that all the world's a stage
And we are only players
Acting out
some predetermined page
But it is lonely as can be
With nobody opposite me
Then
Enter you
Voilà, it's showtime
You brought the house down
with a dance and a dum
Diddy
Enter you
In less than no time
La la la la la
la la lum litty
Up went the curtain
My lines felt wrong
Intermission seemed so far away
The plot uncertain
The scenes too long
Life was like
an uninspiring play
But
Now you're here
We meet stage center
I thought my story line
was through
Then, enter you
Now you're here
We meet stage center
I thought my story line
was through
Then
From the blue
Enter
You
You were great.
I really liked it.
Thanks.
But, do you think this is how
the maid would really behave?
Well, this isn't reality.
I mean, we're talking about
a maid who belts E-flats here.
I mean, you don't have people
walking down the street...
bursting into song
and dancing, right?
Except maybe
in the West Village.
Ha ha, just kidding.
Anyway, Gabriel,
you made your point...
but it's still important
that the writer tell the truth.
I mean, "Enter you"?
I don't know.
I mean, she's just been kissed.
Have you captured
that feeling you get...
after a really great kiss--
the best kiss you ever had?
It's exciting,
and it's terrifying...
and it's sexy and...
and maybe you think
you could fall in love.
You know what I mean?
Well, you know,
Rodrigo and Dorkus just met.
I mean, if we were talking about
how people really behave...
I can't have them falling
in love on the first night.
That wouldn't be believable.
Well, not if you don't
believe it.
I mean, why is she singing this?
Would you sing it?
I hope I didn't
embarrass you in there.
No more than I embarrassed
myself presenting the song.
He gets funny when his songs
don't go over on the first try.
Oh, don't do that.
He's got a copy at home.
Listen, the best advice
anybody ever gave me...
I was writing a libretto...
for a musical version
of "Satyricon."
I was having a little trouble...
getting into ancient Rome
and sex orgies, bestiality--
This was in college.
So, this professor tells me that
I should wear silk underpants...
and eat pomegranate seeds
out of a goblet.
-Silk underpants?
-It changed everything.
Gabriel, you gotta grab life
by the balls.
You gotta try
for the unexpected.
It's the only way
to get the good stuff.
They're just jealous.
You didn't flop.
I know what a flop feels like,
and this definitely was a flop.
You're too sensitive.
Forget about it.
I put a ticket for my show
tonight under your name.
It's a comp, so don't let them
intimidate you into paying.
Can you put these
in your backpack?
-So, what do you want to do now?
-I don't know.
-What's that?
-Just something someone gave me.
Some gay bar that charges
three bucks for a Diet Coke?
I will see you at your show,
OK, Katherine?
Where are you going?
I thought we could grab
a chicken Caesar at Cozy's.
What?
I said hey.
What do you do?
What do I do?
Writer.
What do you write?
Musicals.
I feel really lame
telling people that...
because it makes me
seem like a queen...
which I don't think I am...
but it wouldn't matter
if I was anyway.
Except, I'm not.
You got a boyfriend?
Would I be here
if I had a boyfriend?
I've got one.
Really?
And where is he?
He's at home.
You want to come over?
We don't live far from here.
I think I see a friend.
You should be dancing up there!
It's kind of loud!
You could!
You want to?
I know the owner.
No, thanks.
Diet Coke with lime.
Do you do that?
What?
Are you a go-go boy?
I used to be.
Too much beer.
But you'll see me up there again
someday.
I don't know how to dance.
Not like that.
You just got to do it, man.
Watch.
Yeah, you just gotta do it, man.
Does it pay well?
It depends.
You see, you work for tips.
Sometimes you make a hundred...
and if they like you,
you make a hundred and fifty.
And...if you do
the other stuff...
Shove off, baby.
That's all you're getting
from me tonight.
Do you do the other stuff?
No, not since I found Jesus.
You're cute as shit.
You live around here?
Yeah, but my roommate
will be back in about two hours.
You can do a lot in two hours.
Hi. I'm--I'm Gabriel.
Mark. I'm Mark.
Wow, this is really awkward.
I said this is awkward.
Which way?
Which floor are you on?
Five.
It's just one more flight.
This is it.
It sticks sometimes.
Oh, babe, you scared me.
I hope you're not allergic.
Why are you here?
I left three messages.
I'm using your computer,
updating my résumé.
What are you guys up to?
Just hanging out.
Oh, uh, well,
I need to get to my show...
as soon as this
is done printing.
Is this a bad idea?
No, no. It's a good idea.
Really.
Hi. I'm Katherine Lamberg.
I'm an actress.
We don't have any chairs, so...
Maybe I should go.
This won't take too long.
How many résumés
are you printing?
A hundred and fifty.
I'm in an all-female production
of "Salome"...
set in a women's penitentiary.
It's non-equity.
That sounds great.
Really?
I'm a slave, but I understudy
John the Baptist.
There's a performance tonight
at midnight.
Maybe you could come
with Gabriel.
Maybe. Uh...
You two are roommates?
But we're very close.
I even take care of his dog.
Trixie.
I live with this guy--Rich.
He's straight.
Gabe, I talked to my mother.
She called you
my boyfriend again.
Isn't that funny?
That's funny.
She still calls you that...
even though we haven't been
dating since high school.
We weren't really dating.
Ask anyone from EI Camino.
They'll say we were.
We went to one prom
back when I thought I was--
Thought he liked girls then.
And I was always wondering
why I was making the first move.
I thought it was me.
I told my mother Gabriel's gay.
And she was, like,
"Oh, really? You never said."
I was, like, "Didn't I mention
he's a musical theater writer?
"Hello! Do I have
to spell it out for you?"
That was a million years ago.
You know what Gabe
used to call me?
Puss. You're so kooky.
I had this James Bond thing,
you know, uh...
Octopussy, Pussy Galore.
Hmm. I didn't like it
when other people said it...
but it was OKwhen Gabe
called me Puss or Puss-Puss...
or Pussy.
Actually,
I didn't really like Pussy.
Do you have any nicknames?
Beer Can.
Did you used to drink a lot
in college?
Gabe's writing a part for me
in his musical--the maid.
It's actually a very big part.
It's really good.
I sing all his songs.
He's a wonderful writer.
You're so very talented.
I don't know how I feel about
writing musicals right now.
I just know you're gonna be
the next Andrew Lloyd Webber...
or Stephen Sondheim
or something.
I spent the last eight years
of my life writing...
in a genre that's been dying
a slow death since "Gypsy."
He's a golden boy.
He really is.
You love musicals.
I used to.
Musicals are way too contrived
and phony and campy and stupid.
I don't even know
why I write them.
You write songs?
The music, too?
And you...play the piano?
Let's do a number!
Just one. He'll love it.
His songs are so great.
Katherine, I don't think that
Mark's interested in my songs.
Do one.
Really?
Yeah.
I'd like to hear one.
See?
All right. One number,
and then you're leaving.
-Cross your heart?
-Cross my heart.
God, I have to get
to my show anyway.
Oh, this is so fun.
I tell ya, if Harold Prince
heard this...
I've heard that
all the world's a stage
And we are only players
Acting out
some predetermined page
But it is lonely as can be
With nobody opposite me
Then
Enter you
Voilà, it's showtime
God, I'm sorry, but that dog...
You sing.
No, I sing his songs.
You were singing with her.
-I was?
-Yeah. Sing it.
Well, Katherine usually--
I'll sing along with you.
Let him do it alone.
I heard that
all the world's a st--
No. Just where she left off.
Enter you
Voilà, it's showtime
You brought the house down
With a dance and a dum-diddy
Enter you
In less than no time
I, uh, still have
to figure out this part.
Up went the curtain
I've got it.
Perry.
How's it going?
I was feeling, you know,
a little torchy...
a little chanteusey, so I
stumbled into a piano bar...
and thought I'd belt out
some of my better numbers...
for a bunch of boozy
old fairies.
I knew you wouldn't want
to miss that.
Wow. Thanks, but Katherine's
opening in a show tonight.
Oh, I understand.
But, you know, you could stop by
later, after her show.
I'll probably be here
till pretty late.
You know where
Eighty-eight's is, right?
Yeah. It's around the corner
from that play you took me to.
-The one with--
-Greg Louganis, right.
-Right.
-Great.
Friend.
You should sing more.
Thanks.
It's done.
No, it's not.
It ran out of paper.
It's done.
Can you see me out?
Babe...
He's a go-go boy.
Well, I'm going.
Your name's on the comp list.
You're gonna be there, right?
Yeah. And Rich
is coming back soon. OK?
-One or two?
-What?
One or two tickets?
Well, is the go-go boy
coming to my show?
I don't know.
Put me down for one.
Hmm. You know,
now that my show's opening...
I won't have
to rehearse so much.
Maybe we can finally go see
Helen Reddy sing...
and get a baked Alaska.
-OK, great.
-Great.
Bye, babe.
Finally.
You're really cute.
Maybe if I played the piano,
I could relax.
Whatever.
Keep playing.
Oh, my God.
Feel good?
Do you like that?
All right.
And...
What if you...
went over here?
Where?
Down here.
There? What do you want me to do
down there?
I've always wanted someone
to go down on me...
while I was playing the piano.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I just told you that.
I've never told anyone that.
You want to do it?
I'll just scoot out
so you can get in.
Uh...just a sec.
Yeah, girl.
Backyard.
Out in the backyard.
Good girl, Trixie.
I'm sorry.
Are you uncomfortable?
It's OK.
What?
I don't know what to play.
Does it matter?
Sorry.
Do you like show tunes?
Uh, I'm a little too nervous
to play classical.
It's your fantasy.
Well, in my fantasy,
I take requests.
Shit!
Get dressed.
Gabriel, you just got music
in your bones.
What's going on?
I need the apartment.
Mark wanted to hear my songs.
And...you're early.
And...l need the apartment.
She's been in France all summer.
Yeah, and you're early.
And I told you I needed
the apartment tonight.
Can we talk about this
in the bathroom?
What's Trixie doing
on the fire escape?
Please. I only need an hour.
Please, please, please, Rich...
'cause I really, really want
to do this.
I'm really, really into him...
and it's not like I get
to do this very often.
And I slept out in the hall
last night.
Will you--Shh!
What Judy and I have is special.
Special?
And I get the impression
that you disrespect...
the love that Judy and I share,
and that hurts.
I expect it from my parents.
They don't know.
But you?
You of all people, I thought
you would understand.
This is really hard for me.
I don't know how to meet people.
I get really weird...
and I make it more important
than it should be.
Can't you do it tomorrow night?
She's been in France all summer.
You can't ask a one-night stand
to come back tomorrow night!
Let's flip for it.
Shit.
-Flip?
-Yeah, flip.
Heads.
No! Tails!
I have a token.
What are you looking for?
Condom.
You want "New York City
Transit Authority"...
or "Good for one fare"?
Merci.
"Good for one fare."
Where do you live?
Brooklyn.
Yeah. But let's not go
all the way out there.
Oh, you have a boyfriend
or something?
No, but it's not really
my apartment.
You see, I rent the room
from this old woman...
and she doesn't like me
bringing guys back to the place.
If you're not into this,
I totally understand.
No, I am.
Well, what about Wonder Bar?
What do we want to go
to a bar for?
Right. Right.
Yeah.
I usually don't go to bars.
Well, I did tonight, but...
Well, I go to bars,
but not a lot.
I used to think
I didn't like gay people...
but now, actually, I think
that I do like gay people.
There was a time
that I felt like...
I wasn't one of them.
You know? Culturally.
You suck dick, right?
Yeah, but what I mean is,
I don't have bleached hair...
and I don't look good
in Lycra...
and I don't work out...much.
You ever had a boyfriend?
I wouldn't call him a boyfriend.
He was actually something
totally random.
I met him in the library...
and he was really cute...
and he had this ltalian accent,
which I love.
I totally love guys
with accents.
I mean, I was nuts.
I mean, I was totally goofy
for this guy.
But then, you know, one day...
we just stopped having
things to talk about.
Then I stopped calling him
to see if he'd call me...
and he didn't.
It was probably better anyways.
I mean, I didn't have a bedroom.
I mean, what's the use
of having a boyfriend...
if you don't have
a bedroom, right?
Besides, I started getting
this nagging feeling...
you know, that he was lying
to me all the time.
I don't think he was ltalian.
I actually think he was
Puerto Rican or something.
Well, Gabe,
maybe I should get going.
Uh, wait! Uh...
I do know this one guy.
From my writer's workshop.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe we could, uh...
go to his place.
Great. Call him.
He's not at home, actually.
He's at a piano bar.
I told my friend, the writer
How happy I would be
If he'd write an opening number
Especially for me
But when he had it finished
It came as quite a shock
He handed me a song titled
How do you like my...
I said, "You can't do that
in public"
I said, "Even I wouldn't dare"
So he made a few small changes
Now I can sing it anywhere
Còmo te gusta mi pinga
En tus pantalònes
Còmo te gusta mi pinga
Y mis cajònes
It's the same old thing
in the same old hole
But when you say it in Espanol
It sounds divine
Còmo te gusta mi pinga
Es muy caliente
Còmo te gusta mi pinga
Es grande plenty
You don't go around
Shouting, "You're well-hung"
But when you do it
in another tongue
It's just fine
When the hour's late,
and I don't have a date
And I feel that I can't go on
I lift up my head,
and I stick out my chin
And I talk like
Montalban
Còmo te gusta mi pinga
It sounds so neato
Like a warm quesadilla
Or a pork burrito
It's the same old cheese
and the same old meat
But when it has a Latin beat
It's OK
Còmo te gusta mi pinga
Olé
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
And thank you
to my favorite piano man--
Mr. Lester Sinclair.
This makes me seem really
desperate, and I kind of am.
Anyway, it's a long pathetic
story you don't want to hear...
but I met this guy,
and we don't have a place to go.
Oh, I want to hear this story.
Where is he?
He's cute.
-He's a go-go boy.
-No.
I can't believe
I'm asking you this.
What?
But, uh, you've got your place
to yourself now, right?
Gabriel, you tramp.
Of course you can use my co-op
for your little love antics.
Someone should.
But you got to promise
not to break anything, OK?
Gabriel tells me
you're a go-go boy.
-That must be fun.
-It's a blast.
So how often do you participate
in three-ways or four-gies?
-I'm doing research.
-For what?
My Casanova musical.
Mark, three-ways or four-gies?
Uh, sometimes.
What kind of guys do you usually
pick up, or do you hustle?
No. I don't hustle.
I bet you wouldn't object...
if I slipped a ten-spot
in your undies.
So what's your type?
It varies.
Interesting. They aren't all
like Gabriel, then?
Once I dated this guy from Yale.
He was in the glee club.
-A Whiffenpoof!
-You heard of them?
I can't resist a lyric baritone.
In fact, I've dated
three Whiffenpoofs...
four Tigertones,
a Crocadillo...
and two members of
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
So you liked this Whiffenpoof?
Yeah. He was really great.
I bet you broke his heart.
All Casanovas do.
Um, you know.
Be careful
with a musician's heart.
We're fragile.
So can me and Gabe go back
to your place and screw around?
My apartment's
just up in Chelsea.
Would it be OK if you used
the futon in the living room?
I feel a little weird
about the bed.
-It's fine.
-Good.
How long do you expect
this might take?
I wasn't planning
on coming back yet.
I could go out and let you in...
and then go back out
for maybe two hours.
To tell you the truth,
I wanted to get sauced tonight.
Who just broke up
with his boyfriend?
-Sorry.
-No, I don't want any sympathy.
I just want to forget about him.
It's good you boys
are coming over, you know?
My place hasn't seen any action
for two weeks.
But I wanted it.
-You dumped him?
-No.
He dumped you?
Well, I made him dump me.
We were crying,
and he asked me what I wanted.
And I said, "I want you
to break up with me!"
I didn't expect him to do it.
Three years--I'm single for
the first time in three years.
God, I want him back.
What am I saying?
I don't want to see him again.
Just his sweaters. I bought
most of those sweaters anyway.
Before he met me,
he had two decent sweaters.
Well, three. Maybe four.
Let's not talk about this, OK?
Let's not talk about it.
Gabriel presented his song
in class today.
That peach who sings
your songs--Boy, is she loud.
I told him he needed
to grab life by the balls...
but I never expected...
Well, just look at you.
That song is very good, though.
Thanks.
Pastichey, but I like that.
How does that begin again?
-The verse?
-Yeah. How does that go?
I've heard
that all the world's
Cut it.
No one wants to hear that.
-Cut the verse?
-Honey, get it out of there.
Just go to the chorus.
That's the fun part.
But what about all the setup?
Gabriel!
Songwriters have been doing...
the verse-chorus thing forever.
It's tired.
Be a maverick.
What's the function of a verse?
To kill time
till we get to the chorus.
During the verse, we wait.
We are waiting for the chorus.
Just give us what we want.
Chorus, chorus, chorus!
Oh, my God, there he is!
I'm sorry, Gabriel.
He's cuter.
What, is that--
My ex. Please let him see me.
Please let him see me.
-Come here.
-What--
Hey, how have you been?
Really great.
You got a haircut.
It looks nice.
I don't want to interrupt.
Oh, no, you're not.
It's nice to see you.
I'd like to talk to you
sometime.
Hi. I'm Mark.
How you doing?
I've been better.
You know, meeting this guy...
has been one of the luckiest
things that ever happened to me.
Really?
Are you two...dating?
Dating?
Him?
We're not...dating.
Absolutely not.
Not in the romantic sense.
I mean, this thing between us,
it's purely animal.
Right, stud?
He's an animal.
I see.
Yeah, but we discovered
we're both out-and-out tops...
so we're makin'
the rounds tonight...
Iookin' for a couple
of hot bottoms.
We got one.
Did I say you could talk?
-No, what?
-No, thank you?
-No, sir!
-No, sir.
He's still in training.
We fit.
I know.
We do. We fit.
Are you still staying
with that choreographer?
Yeah.
I haven't found a place yet.
We should talk.
Can I come over?
It's OK.
Work this out.
Talk.
Yeah. Talk.
Sir.
That was nice.
What?
That.
What you just did.
I didn't do anything.
Come on.
Ten minutes, ladies.
Oh, my God.
Everyone I know is here tonight.
Oh, how sweet.
You have to read this.
They're from
an old boyfriend of mine.
Oh, I wonder if he knows
that my new boyfriend...
is here tonight, too.
Oh, my God.
Oh. Oh, give those to her.
Have a great show, everyone.
I think I know
who these are from.
-Who?
-Gabriel.
Oh, is that your boyfriend?
They're for you.
Oh, no, that's OK.
There's no more room.
You can keep them.
Thanks!
What?
She's watching us.
Who is?
So?
I think she's lonely.
No, she's not lonely.
She's--No.
I'm going to feed her.
She looks hungry.
Here, Trixie.
Do you have any menus?
I think I'm hungry.
You're always hungry.
You're always horny.
He's with me.
Don't we need our hands stamped?
Here, sexy.
-Hey, you never call me.
-Yup.
You want something to drink?
No, thanks.
Crowded.
Aren't you hot?
Hey, girl!
Dino!
Ooh, man,
I am fucking horny tonight.
I better get laid,
that's all I'm saying.
It shouldn't be too hard.
-I got a tattoo yesterday.
-What?
A tattoo on my ass.
You got to see it.
It's so cool.
It's hot in here.
Are you hot?
Down, boy.
You're wasted.
Totally trashed.
Do you need to sit?
No. I want to stand
here with you.
And you.
I forgot to put ointment on it.
My tattoo.
It's so cool.
It's a sailor--
total beefcake.
I can't see it without a mirror.
Where's the bathroom?
-What?
-The bathroom.
Back there.
Where'd you pick up Priscilla?
What a drag.
Girl needs to loosen up.
Yo, leave him alone.
Let's get out of here
before he comes back.
No. A friend invited me
to a party in Tribeca.
Yeah? Which friend?
Some rich guy.
Look, I'm not into hanging out
with a bunch of party burnouts.
Aw, it's not like that, baby.
It's yummy.
So, are you and Mark boyfriends?
I'm sorry?
What's your name?
As in, "Blow, Gabriel, blow"?
I've heard that before.
Yeah, well...
I'm Miss Coco Peru.
So, is Mark your boyfriend
or just a trick?
I don't know what we are.
Oh, I've heard that before.
Look...
I'm not one to gossip.
It's not my nature.
Truth.
Now, that's my nature.
Uh, can you stand over there?
A little pee shy?
Oh, don't worry.
Miss Coco's here to help.
You look like a nice person.
You do.
So, as a truth seeker...
I feel it's my duty
to tell you...
that Mark is a no-good
fucking piece of rat shit.
Don't get me wrong.
He's handsome.
He's charming.
Huge penis.
Oh, believe me, Gabriel, I know.
I'd really like to hear this,
but could you--
Turn around?
Sure.
Yeah, I remember the first time
I met him.
It was two years ago,
Gay Pride Day.
I was on the train going home
from the festivities...
and he was sitting
across from me, sleeping.
But he wasn't really sleeping.
Oh, no.
He was pretending to sleep...
because he knows he looks like
an angel when he's sleeping...
and not the Antichrist
he really is.
And even though I could tell
he was faking...
I went along with it.
Call me crazy.
I don't know.
Anyway, we started talking...
and he gives me some line about
some old lady he lives with...
and he asks if he can
go back to my place.
I told him.
I don't invite strangers
up to my apartment.
And then he looks down
at his crotch...
and then back up at me,
and he says...
"It's big, it's beautiful...
"and you're going to love it."
And I said, "Oh...
"all right."
And as he walked me back
to my apartment...
on that gay night of nights...
he took my hand gently into his.
And for a moment...
I felt like the luckiest
drag queen in the world.
And I fantasized--
"Yes. This is it.
"This is the man
I'm going to spend...
"the rest of my life with."
I'd be the one to show him
the virtues of a loving heart.
But do you know what he did?
He took that heart,
he tossed it on the floor.
With his little Satan hoofs,
he jumped.
He jumped hard.
The truth is, Gabriel, when
we got back to my apartment...
he threw me on the bed.
He tore off all my clothes.
Will you hold on
one goddamn minute?!
Come on!
Jesus Christ.
Now I forgot where I was.
Where was l?
Threw you on the bed,
tore off all your clothes.
Right.
So I'm licking his balls.
Next thing I know...
he comes in my eye,
and he's out the door.
Gone.
You ever get come in your eye,
Gabriel, hmm?
It burns.
So, there I was...
Iying in the middle of my bed
completely naked...
with an eye full of come,
thinking to myself...
And then, the next day...
when I call the number
he'd given me earlier...
it was the Brooklyn
Botanical Gardens.
And would believe?
They never even heard
of a Mark Miranda.
But am I bitter?
Absolutely.
Let's face it, Gabriel.
You are just another
little phone number...
on a dirty cocktail napkin...
shoved into the bottom
of his pocket.
Good boy.
But do what you will.
I only offer you
this information...
because I'm a giver.
Who knows?
Maybe someday
we'll meet again...
and I'll be able
to look at you and say...
"I told you so."
Totally sick, right?
Sick.
I'm glam, baby.
You don't even know
how glam I am.
You want me?
What's wrong with you?
Good night, Dino.
-I'm going.
-What?
Where do you work out?
Sorry.
I'm with someone.
Why are you sitting in the hall?
Why'd you come back?
You're upset.
No, no, I'm not upset.
We shouldn't have gone there.
No. It was good we went.
Really.
You didn't need to come back.
Yes, I did.
Can we go in and talk?
They're still going at it.
Yeah,
so you should probably go home.
I can't.
I think I left my keys
in your apartment.
I'll knock.
Shit. Shit.
Who's that?
Yeah. Who is it?
It's Gabe.
We're not finished.
Can you come to the door?
I need to talk.
-Sorry.
-What do you need?
Mark thinks he left his keys.
Judy, do you see some keys?
Where'd you leave them?
I don't know.
Maybe near the bed.
I don't see them.
Maybe you guys
should just come in and look.
It'll be faster that way.
No. You're not coming in.
He can't go home
until he finds his keys!
All right,
but you better be gone...
by the time
I'm out of the bathroom.
All right.
Can you help us look?
Well, where would they be?
I'm not sure.
Did you guys just meet
each other tonight?
Yeah. Can we make this
as fast as possible?
And you want to do each other?
Gabriel, how do you know
you can trust this guy?
You don't really know
a thing about him.
You're right.
I don't know him at all.
I think it's kind of a turn-on,
don't you?
Anonymous sex--
That's pretty hot.
Yeah, pretty hot.
Let's just look for the keys.
That's the great thing
about anonymous sex--
You can say
you're just about anyone...
and your partner can't disagree.
Do you want to see l.D.?
Well, I do.
Oh, you went to a Soonie school?
What'd you major in?
Journalism.
Well, his name's really Mark.
I don't see them.
When you know too much
about a person...
sometimes it's hard
to think of them sexually...
but when you know someone
only in a sexual way...
it's hard to think of them
as a person.
Can I have my wallet back?
I want to be
a sex counselor someday.
That's my dream.
Great.
You know, personally,
as a sexually active female...
I find the idea of two men
getting it on incredibly hot.
Are you sure they're here?
No, I'm not sure.
Can you stand still for a second
and let me explain?
You know what they say--
Everyone's bisexual to a degree.
But to a degree, everyone is.
There's this part in Paris
where everyone's bi--everyone.
There's no straight, no gay--
just bi...
and anyone who hasn't been
doesn't even know.
It's great.
Have you ever been to Paris,
Gabriel?
I bet you have,
haven't you, Mark?
Can we just find the keys?
Ooh, it hasn't been
a very good night for someone.
You guys done yet?
We're looking!
Why are you so upset, Gabriel?
I'm not upset.
OK, I'm upset.
Do you want to talk about it?
Well, that's valid.
Mark?
I'm sorry.
We never should've gone
to that club.
You were kissing him.
Dino's this guy
I used to date...
and, actually,
he was kissing me...
but, technically, you're right,
and I'm sorry.
I don't usually go there
with anybody.
Especially not somebody l...
I don't know
what's happening tonight...
and I don't know
how you feel about me.
Gabriel,
I think now is a good time...
for you to verbalize
your feelings.
Why did you just leave?
Why didn't you say anything
to me?
I pay rent here, too, you know!
Gabriel, maybe Mark deserves
to know why you left...
without telling him.
I left because
of what the drag queen...
in the bathroom told me.
There was a drag queen
in the bathroom?
Here we go.
What did he say?
He said a lot,
but the gist of it...
was that tonight was
just a whole routine for you.
-What?
-Tonight.
It was all lines.
"Oh, look at me.
I'm sleeping on the subway."
I was tired.
You didn't have to stare.
This old lady--
I don't like bringing guys
back to my place.
And so what?
I was trying to pick you up.
Well, it worked.
Why is that such a problem?
Why were you listening to him?
I didn't have much of a choice.
-I slept with him one time.
-He mentioned that.
Did he also tell you
he videotaped it?
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Without telling me.
And then right when
I'm about to, you know...
Orgasm?
Right. He tells me
to move into the light...
and I figured it out,
so I grabbed the tape...
and I got the fuck out of there.
Well, he didn't say that--
about the video--
but he said you left.
You know, this whole night
should've been over hours ago.
It's gotten
way too complicated.
I just keep waiting
for the other shoe to drop...
because I know that you're
just going to dump me...
Iike you dumped
that Whiffenpoof.
What the hell is a Whiffenpoof?
A singer!
I feel stupid
spending this entire evening...
Iooking for a place
just to get off.
Oh, is that all we were doing?
That's all I was doing.
Really?
Definitely.
You know...
I know I picked you up
on the subway and all...
so I don't know why
you'd be any different than...
I don't know.
I thought there was
something more going on tonight.
And just for the record,
the Whiffenpoof dumped me.
Judy, your sheet slipped.
Aw, shit.
-Cover yourself.
-Would you lighten up?
Your titties are hanging out.
You know, in Europe,
breasts are breasts.
They're very natural
and beautiful things.
-Just--
-Would you let me be?
Put them away, Judy.
It's not like anything
would've happened.
You're not in Paris anymore.
Is this the way you've been
acting the past six months?
Yes. For the past six months...
I've been
touring France topless.
And you want to know something?
Nobody seems to care.
Get over it, Rich.
-What are you doing, Judy?
-What does it look like?
Can't you see
I'm getting dressed?
I'm going home to
my grandmother's in Connecticut.
Look, here's the keys.
I knew you were different
when I saw your hairy armpits.
Judy found your keys.
Are you hungry?
Oh, my God, it's so hysterical
that you guys are here.
Isn't that hilarious?
French fries.
Thank you.
It's really good you didn't come
to the show tonight.
We were really off.
You want some?
Anyway, the girl
playing John the Baptist--
horribly allergic to gladiolas--
Who knew?
So there's a chance
I might go on tomorrow night.
Didn't we order cheese fries?
Oh, yeah.
Should we tell her?
We're out of Thousand lsland.
I gave you Ranch.
Oh, well.
I have to tell you
about this really artsy party...
this French-Canadian girl
in my acting class threw.
Everyone there, they wrote,
like, poems or novellas.
So this one college guy--
He was Asian--
He gets up with this little
leatherette portfolio...
with a satin ribbon to tie it,
and he's going to read poetry.
But before he starts reading...
he tell us about his fascination
with the human body.
But he says what
fascinates him even more...
is what comes out
of the human body.
I know I'm lactose intolerant...
but I really wish
these had cheese on them.
Anyway, evidently,
he's tasted everything...
that's come out
of his body except shit...
and he says he'll probably
taste that one day, too.
And then he reads
a poem about shit...
so I'm thinking,
this guy really likes shit.
But then he keeps reading,
and he reads seventeen poems...
all about shit.
Seventeen. I'm not kidding.
And he's talking about
the smells and the colors--
Gabe, can you pass me
the ketchup?
I was so relieved
when he got tired of reading.
Then this ethnic woman
stands up.
She was Native American
or Filipino. I can't tell.
She didn't have a poem
to read...
so she tells us about a problem
she's having--this sex problem.
She said there's some force...
that's just making her
screw around all the time.
Now all these guys
are after her...
and, I mean, she's not
what I would call sexy.
Not that I'm into women, but
I can tell when a woman's sexy.
I mean, it's not that
she was a skank or anything.
She just wasn't what I would
call sexy, that's all.
Anyway--This is really funny--
I drank so much homemade
rose hip iced tea...
that I really had to pee
in the middle of her story.
So I go to the bathroom...
but the bathroom door's locked,
so I'm kind of standing there.
I'm looking at the wallpaper,
which was giving me a headache.
Then the toilet flushes.
The door opens,
and the shit guy walks out...
and he's smiling.
Not one of those polite
acknowledgment smiles.
He's smiling,
like he's happy about something.
All of a sudden,
I didn't have to pee anymore.
How's everything?
Fine.
Everything's fine.
Want to hear the audition
monologue I'm working on?
No, I have new intentions.
-You really don't get it.
-What?
You have been monopolizing
this entire conversation...
since we got here.
Look, you're my best friend.
You know I love you...
but right now, I don't want
to hear your audition monologue.
I didn't come here
to have you sit down...
invite yourself over,
and talk about shit.
I was just talking.
I know, but--
Why are you being such a jerk
all of a sudden?
Yeah.
Shit's funny.
Shit's shit. Give it a rest,
you Nancy priss ass...
and let us enjoy ourselves.
I promise I'll call tomorrow.
I promise I'll see your show...
but right now,
I need to be alone with Mark.
Please, don't ruin this for me.
What are you trying to say?
Go someplace else.
Take your girlfriends.
Practice your audition monologue
on them--
whatever--but please just go.
You know, every time
that you insinuate...
that I should sleep with women,
I feel like--
-I didn't mean that.
-I don't know.
I feel like I have to respond
respectfully...
because I don't want you
to think...
that I think that it's wrong
or bad or nasty.
But you bring it up
every five minutes.
It's the most annoying thing
about you.
Don't get upset.
I don't want
to sleep with women!
I'm sorry, Gwen.
I can't tell you why.
You're not that way, that's why.
-Katherine--
-Yes, I can.
I can.
This may be hard
for you to believe, gay boy...
but I am heterosexual.
There are such things as
heterosexuals in this world...
and I am one of them.
But you won't listen to me.
You won't drop the subject.
Just because
it bothers you so much...
it's obvious you have lesbian
issues you're afraid to face.
I have lesbian issues?
I don't have lesbian anything!
God, it's like when my dad asked
why I won't move to New Jersey.
What?
It'd take me an hour and a half
to get to an audition.
Can you imagine my dad saying,
"I can tell by your reaction...
"there's a part of you
that wants to move...
"but you're afraid to face it"?
Holy wow.
Doesn't anybody here get it?
I'm not a lesbian, I don't
want to move to New Jersey...
and where's the cheese
on these goddamn fucking fries?
Can you let me out?
Hey, Puss.
I'm sorry, babe.
I'm sorry that I got so mad.
Well, I'm sorry.
It...
It's my fault.
Maybe I am a dyke.
I don't know.
It'd be a whole lot easier
to get a date.
Come here.
Oh, God.
Why can't you be straight?
You don't like any straight men.
I don't know any straight men.
Kath, are you OK?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
You owe me four dollars
for the French fries.
We're going to my place to watch
a video of tonight's show.
Do you want to go?
Sure. One second.
You better get back inside.
I'm going to put your name
on the comp list for tomorrow.
I'll be there.
You better, motherfucker.
Tonight's been a mess.
But, you know,
some of the mess...
I did have
a good time tonight...
even though, you got to admit
it was really a mess.
You know, I would've invited you
back to my place, but--
Aw, it's all right.
Don't worry about it.
No. I would have, but...
the lady I told you about...
She's my mother.
I live at home.
Thank you.
I have to pee.
Me, too.
We're alone.
Yeah, finally.
Enter you
Voilà, it's showtime
I hear the music of a
Dance and a dum-diddy
Enter you
You're singing it wrong.
What?
Don't sing it.
It's a good song.
Shut up.
Well, it is.
You're being polite.
Shut up.
You really think so?
Yeah. It's really good.
Enter you
That's all I know.
You have to teach me the rest.
I need a piano.
We've already established that.
You know, I think it's good
how this turned out.
You do?
Yeah. We got the hard part
over with.
Oh, what about the sex?
What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
Hey, this is Mark.
You got me.
Leave a message.
Enter you
Voilà, it's showtime
You brought the house down
With a dance and a dum-diddy
Enter you
In less than no time
This ugly drama
Has become
Pretty
Up went the curtain
My lines felt wrong
Intermission seemed so far away
Applause uncertain
The scenes too long
Life was like
an uninspiring play
But now you're here
We meet stage center
I thought my story line
was through
Then from the blue
Enter
You