Twins Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Twins script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Twins. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Twins Script





On his 35th birthday,



I decided to tell Julius Benedict...



the truth about himself.



Julius already knew

that he was the product...



of a scientific experiment...



conducted by the American government.



A top-secret experiment designed

to produce a physically,



mentally and spiritually

advanced human being.



He knew that,

unlike other little boys,



he had not one, but six fathers...



All very distinguished men...



especially chosen for

their genetic excellence.



And of course,



he knew about Mary Ann Benedict,



the remarkable young woman...



who was selected to be his mother.



Sadly, he had long lived

with the tragic knowledge...



that his mother died

while giving birth to him.



Now, what Julius did not know,



not until this very moment,



was that about a minute

after he was born...



his mother gave birth

to another baby boy.



I have a brother?






He was sent to an orphanage

in Los Angeles...



at the same time

I brought you here to the island.



Julius had spent his entire life

here on the island,



helping me with my research.



I always thought he was happy,

and had no desire to leave.



How wrong I was.



I must find him.



Julius, Julius!

Wait, wait.



I couldn't believe he was going.



He wasn't equipped to deal

with the outside world.



All of his knowledge was from books.



Julius could speak    languages.



He excelled in history, science,



mathematics, literature.



He was pure in body and in spirit.






But for the first time,



Julius would not listen to me.



He's probably just like me.



The nearest island with

an airport was    miles away.



But Julius did not care.



He had become obsessed

with the idea...



that his brother, Vincent,

was in some kind of trouble...



and desperately needed his help.



Honey, I'm home!



- Oh, no!

- Oh, no.



- Get going!

- I'm going.



Oh, hello, hello!



Oh, my goodness!






- We're gonna be late for work.

- I need my horoscope.



- Yeah, horoscope.

- "Your judgment is at its peak today.



Use it wisely,

and romance will follow."



- Ooh, good one.

- I hope so.






- Vince!

- I thought you broke up with him.



I did, I did!



- You don't mind if I talk

to your sister, do you?

- She doesn't mind.



Don't give him any money.



Uh, no, no, I promised Marnie

I wouldn't give you any money.



Don't look at me like...



Don't do that thing

with your eyes.



I'm not even supposed

to be here with you.



You are here,

and so am I.



Maybe millions

of people go by,



but they all

disappear from view.



I only have eyes

for you, Linda.



I only have

eyes for you.






- It's the baby Klane!

- What?



- Hi.

- Hi.



- Can I help you?

- Uh, yeah.



Where's the little shit?



You'll have to be

more specific...



concerning the clientele.






Oh, he wouldn't come in here.



- Isn't that right, Marnie?

- Who, Vincent?



That weasel? That creep?



I wouldn't serve him if he crawled in

on his hands and knees.



Take out the papers

and the trash



Or you don't get

no spending cash



If you don't scrub

that kitchen floor



You ain't gonna

rock and roll no more




don't talk back



I knew you were trouble

the second I laid eyes on you.



Excuse me. I just have never

heard this kind of music before.




don't talk back



Take out the papers



Take out the papers



Take... out...

the... papers



Take out the papers

Take out the papers



Take... out...

the... papers



And the trash
















Thank you.
































Ragga-do-ga hoo-ha-yeah



Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah



Hey, Vince!



Listen, Al,



you gotta help me out.



I'm into the Klane

brothers for $     .



- You borrowed money from a loan shark?

- What do you got?



Got anything for me?

See what you got.



We're doing this

too often, Vince.



I'll give you something.



I got a nice BMW

up on   stall   .



Vince, I'll take all

of these you can get.



All right, Tony.



- For you.

- Thanks, Tony.






Whoa, Tony!



There's only $     here.

For a car like this is $    .



We're in a recession.

Everything's tough.



You wanna try someone else,

no hard feelings.



No, I just could've

used some more.



- You okay, Vince? You seem worried.

- Yeah.



Your bowels troubling you?



What an amazing country.






Gotta light, pal?



Oh, excuse me.

I don't smoke, pal.



Yeah. Ha-ha.



Yeah, good stuff, huh?



- Pickin' up something

for the girlfriend?

- I don't have a girlfriend.



Do women really

wear those things?



If you're lucky, they do.



I can't believe it.



- You're from out of town?

- Yes.



As a matter of fact, I come from

an island in the South Pacific.






What the hell did

you do to him, man!



I did nothing.

The pavement was his enemy.



Let me check him out.

A light concussion.






- I carry him to a hospital.

- No!



I think you should

just take off, man.



Find your horse

you came in on.



I'm so sorry about this.



- I feel terrible.

- Me, too. Thanks a lot.



- Sorry.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.



The next time you should

really consider wearing helmets.



Yeah, have a nice day.



You don't have to buy them.

Just don't say they're cheap!



These are quality socks.



What a day it's been.

Oh, no, no, no!



Oh, oh! Jesus Christ!



$  ! Are you

out of your mind?



Your vehicle is in a handicapped zone,

if you didn't notice.



So, do I look

normal to you?



You don't have a handicapped

sticker in your windshield.



Oh, come on.

You don't need a sticker.



Handicapped, my ass!



I'll need your

driver's license, sir.



Look, I'm sorry

I lost my temper.



Driver's license,




- Look, I had a very bad day.

- Driver's license... please.



You've got over     outstanding

parking tickets, Mr. Benedict.



You just had your birthday.

Your driver's license expired.



Happy birthday.

Watch your head.






Come along, now.



So this is where

my brother grew up.



I'm so happy he had so many

children to play with.



And that's where

he must have slept!



Yes, it was.



How did you know?



It's the one I'd have chosen,

close to the fire extinguisher.



In case of a fire,



I could have given the alarm

and saved all the other orphans.



We've had only one fire

in here at St. Charlotte's.



Vince Benedict started it,

we like to think by accident.



Tell me a little bit

about Vincent.



Was he a great athlete?

Interested in chess and poetry?



I'm certain God had a purpose

when he created Vince Benedict,



but it had nothing

to do with chess or poetry.



Oh, I'm sorry.



Odd, the contents

of his files are missing.



That is Vince?



He looks so happy.



He should.

That's Sister Maria,



- his biology teacher.

- I always liked biology.



So did Vincent.



He disgraced Sister Maria,



who had to leave the order.



Then he stole all the money from

the library fund, and ran away.



I must find my brother.



Do you know

where he might be?



Jail, a man of his character

can only be in jail.



You're full of goodness, Julius.

I pray you never find him.



Benedict, visitor.



- I'm looking for Vincent Benedict.

- You got him.



I have rowed halfway

across the world...



Wrong, I just rowed a day...



I've been looking forward to

this moment my whole life.



I've been on my island,

I'm telling you.



This is incredible that...

I have looked for...



You've gotta talk

into the phone, Bozo.




Yes, Vincent...



I know you don't

know who I am.



- But believe me, I came...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!



I've got another six hours

to pay the money back.



Tell the Klane brothers that harassing

a man already in the slammer...



is beneath even them,

all right?



I don't know any Klane brothers.

I'm your brother, Julius.



Huh? Come again?



My name is Julius,

and I'm your twin brother.



Oh, obviously.



The moment I sat down, I thought

I was looking into a mirror.



We are not

identical twins.



- Oh, no?

- No.



I wouldn't be

too sure, pal.



I don't lie.

I am your brother.



You must let me help

you get out of here.



You want to

help me get out?



Yes, right now.



Well, money talks,

and bullshit walks.



How can bullshit walk?

That's slang, huh?






I'm in fast company here.



Take a look over there.

See that man?



Pay him money, all right?

They let me out.



I'll be anything you want,

your aunt, uncle, sister...



your cousin,

brother-in-law, anything.



- All right?

- Okay, I pay right now.



- You pay now.

- Okay, Vince.



Okay. Go pay.



All right, pay him.



What is this,

"Candid Camera"?



Ahhh, oof!



Twinny, I hope you didn't

blow your wad on the tickets,



because I'm gonna need

a lot more money to get my car.



- I have more money.

- You do?



I'm glad to help you.

Vincent, I'm your brother.



- I love you.

- Whoa!



Look, ease up

on the love talk,



because I'm gonna be tossing

my cookies in a minute.



Tossing your cookies?



Oh, that's more slang!



Where the hell is it?



- This is your car, isn't it?

- Yeah, that's it.



You pay a huge fine,

then they hide it on you.



- How'd you know this was my car?

- We're twins!



I'm so excited. Now we can

go to museums together,



talk philosophy together,

read books together.



- Play chess together.

- Get lost together.






He's so full of energy.



Blue Sedan DeVille.



This is beautiful.



Where you guys going,

out to Hawaii?



- Catch some of them big waves?

- Yeah, something like that.



We have plenty

of room on level  .



I'll call you

next Saturday.



Whoa, where you going

with my desk?



Takin' back this

furniture, man.



- You're six months behind.

- You're behind!



Six months behind.

That's the problem.



There's no trust

in the world anymore.



I tried to stop them,

Mr. Benedict.



That's all right, it was

time to redecorate anyway.



Vincent Benedict Incorporated.



- Sports agent...

- Airborne!



- Mr. Benedict?

- Yeah?



- It's Al.

- It's Al? Ooh, Al, Al, Al.



Look, Miss Busby, uh...



Al, hang on a second.



The corporation's in

a transitional period right now.



Take a couple of days off.

When we regroup, I'll call you.



Whatever you think is best.



- All right.

- I'll take this.



Yeah, go ahead.

Take that.



Before I forget,

happy birthday.



Oh, how sweet.



That's very,

very nice of you.



- Aqua Velva?

- Mm-hmm.



You shouldn't have.




I'll give you

a call, okay?



All right, all right.



Al, save me!



Brand-new Caddy on level  .



I'll be there!

Don't move! Bye.






Time's up, Vincent.



Did you hit me?

Because I didn't feel a thing.



I felt that.



You gotta understand

something, Benedict.



I like my work.



These are the most unfriendly acts

you're committing.



I don't know

what the problem is,



but I'm sure it

can be resolved...



- without resorting to violence.

- Yeah.









- You moved too soon.

- He did?






A little chest pain?



The first rule

in a crisis situation:



You negotiate first

and you attack last.



You negotiate first,

then you attack.



- You never negotiated.

- Na-hah!



You don't know what

kind of an enemy I am.



- Who are you?

- I'm Vincent's brother.



- We're twins.

- That's right.



- You're firewood!

- Axe, Axe, Axe!



You have no respect

for logic.



- But he's got an axe!

- Ahhhh!



And I have no respect for those

who have no respect for logic.



You're a very stupid person.



You tell your brother,



he messes with me, he messes

with my whole family!



I love it when you

hit people, Julius.






That was great!




I hate violence.



But you're so good at it!



I've got an idea. We should

go into business together.



You could be a boxer.

I could be your manager.



- I don't think I could fight for money.

- No problem!



You do all the fighting,

I'll keep all the money.



I'm really worried

about you, Vincent.



How much money

do you owe?



Don't lie to me.

We're twins.



- I can feel your pain.

- Why do you keep saying that?



We're not twins.

We're not brothers.



We're nothin'!



Twenty thousand.



Due this morning.



Come on.



Don't worry about

anything, Vincent.



As long as I'm with you,

I won't let anyone harm you, okay?



Well, you're

a good guy, Julius.



Now, hang on

to your seat!



You know what?

I completely forgot.



I promised this

friend, Sammy,



that I'd pick his car up

from the airport.



Put it in the slot.



Would you do me

a big favor?



Would you drive this car back

from the airport for me?



Oh, I would love to.



Good, that would

really be a big help.



Do you have a manual, please?



- A manual?

- Yeah.



- It's in the glove compartment.

- Oh, yeah.



There it is.



- What are you doin' with the finger?

- Learning to drive.






It's not up here.



Maybe it's under

the back tire.



Look... I mean, usually he

leaves the keys behind the tire.



- Geez!

- What's the matter?



That dopey Sam,

he forgot to leave the keys.



No. Oh, well.



A lot of handicapped children

are gonna be very disappointed.



Handicapped children?



This car was supposed to be auctioned

off at their charity drive tomorrow.



Oh, well. Let's go get

something to eat.



Maybe we should try

to open it ourselves.



Do you really think

we should do that?



It's for children.



You got a point.



I saw a guy from

the Auto Club do this once.



What do you know,

beginners luck!



These cars have

terrific alarms!



I'll get it in a minute.



Just a second, Jules.






Whoa, whoa, whoa!



If you lift the rear end at an angle

greater than    degrees...



the mercury switch activates

the automatic cut-off system,



so that the alarm's

computer thinks...



that the car is being

towed and shuts off.



Can I have the keys

to your car?



You know,

the keys to your car?



Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No yodeling.



Lovely day.



Come on, Julius.



Step on it!






Oh, my God!



- I am amazed at how well it's going.

- You're doing good.



Don't use both feet

at the same time.



- Just use the gas.

- Okay, one foot.



- One pedal at a time.

- Okay! I will do it!



Pick up the phone,

the phone.



The little thing down on

the right that's making noise.



This is Vincent's car.

Can I help you, please?



- Julius!

- Vincent, where are you?



Look in your rear-view mirror.

You see that little dot?



That's me.



Hello, yeah. Hello!



What are you

doing back there?



There's going to be a lot of

lights coming up, a supermarket.



- Supermarket.

- Take your foot off the gas.



Apply it to the brake.

It's the thing next to the gas.



The brake pedal.



- Very gently.

- You got it.



Bye, Vincent.



All right.



Okay, it's a supermarket.









That's what I call fun.



Did you see me

with the two wheels?



I can teach

you that, Vincent.



Julius, let me tell you

something about America.



Nobody likes

a smart ass, all right?



So, what do you think?



Angel's food

or devil's food?






- You know what

I really love about Vince?

- What?



He's a force of nature.



- You're outta control.

- No, I'm not.



That poetry he pretends to write,

they're old song lyrics.



I know. Geez,

you think I don't know that!



- I don't think you know that.

- Well, I do.



It's this style thing.

That's how he expresses himself.



And he means it, even if

he doesn't know he means it.



- Vince has a truly romantic soul.

- I can't hear this anymore.



Well, don't, 'cause if you

had a boyfriend like I have,



you'd make him a cake

and he'd love it...



and you'd get laid.



- Ah!

- Excuse me.



Excuse me.



She's not bad.



I had no idea

that these magazines...



had things like

this inside, inside them.



You didn't? Where've you been?

A desert island?



I come from a tropical island

in the South Pacific.



It's around     nautical miles,

south, southwest of Fiji.



I just got here yesterday

and I already found my brother.



Your brother?



That's right.



My twin brother, Vincent.



- Twins?

- Vince!



- Linda.

- Hi.



Oh, you look gorgeous

in this light.



- You do.

- Really?



Hi. Who's this guy?



This is Vincent's brother.



- I didn't know you had a brother.

- Me, either.



You know each other?



Allow me to introduce

these lovely ladies.



- This is Linda.

- Hi.



- Hello.

- Her charming sister, Marnie.









Are you sure

this guy's all right?



He's okay.

He's helping me out.



He's from outta town,

kinda latched on to me.



Okay, well, great seeing ya.



Catch ya later.



Great seeing ya.

Catch ya later.






I've only been

driving an hour.



- Linda's your girlfriend, isn't she?

- Yeah, kinda.



- Is Marnie your girlfriend, too?

- Marnie?



Marnie hates my guts.

She kinda likes you, though.



- Me?

- Yeah.



- She hardly knows me.

- That's the best way.



You see,

women love men...



who are mysterious

and devious.



Keeps them on their toes.



- It excites them. You know what I mean?

- No.



- You do like women?

- Very much so.



They're strange

and sensitive.



They have compassion.



I have the highest

respect for women.



You're a virgin!



That's private.



A    -pound virgin.



It's all right.

It's something...



It's just one

of those things.



Oh, Julius.

My little baby poodle.



Such a baby cat.

Look, did I neglect you?



Not anymore. Come on.



That's a good little pussy cat.

This is sweet Julius.



Okay, here you go.



You named

your cat Julius?



The secret to take-out eggplant

parmesan is extra cheese.



- There we go.

- That much cheese?



Oh, yeah.

The more cheese, the merrier.



There you go.



I know you're probably used to

growing your own vegetables...



and spearing fish on the lagoon,

but here on the mainland,



we just nuke it.



That's it. Here we go.



Feast your eyes.

Dinner is served.



- Yummy.

- Yeah.



- Ahhh!

- Ahhh!



Through the lips, over the gums,

look out...



Look out stomach, here it comes.




- Julius!

- Oh, I like nuked food.



- Mm-mmm!

- Mmm!



Now let me get

this straight.



One of our fathers was

a famous football player?



- Yes!

- And another one was...



- a physicist at M.I.T.?

- Yes, he won the Nobel Prize.



Naturally! All of our dads

were these big shots.



And Mom...



was like... superwoman.



But she didn't survive

the delivery.



And I was sent

to an orphanage,



while you were raised

on a tropical paradise...



by a scientist who

you do research for,



but who doesn't pay you,

because you don't need money.



Did I leave anything out?



I think it's important we try

to find our fathers.



Oh, you mean the geniuses

who contributed...



to the sperm milk shake.



Why are you being so immature

about all this?



Do you know how many times

I've heard stories like this?



It's every

orphan's fantasy.



My real mom and dad

were rich...



and beautiful.



But there was a mix-up

in the hospital...



and I got switched

with another baby.



But one day, there's gonna

be a knock at the door...



and there they'll be...



with open arms,

crying, "My darling.



"My treasure.

We didn't know.



How can we make

it up to you?"



Let me tell you something

for your own good, Julius.



It's a crock.



I liberated this from

my file at the orphanage.



Here it is.

Read it and weep.



"Dear Sister Anderson, your request

for orphan's benefits...



- "for Vincent Benedict has been denied.

- Denied, yeah.



"According to our files,

his mother did not die...



- "during birth.

- She's not dead.



"We have a current

address for her at...



"    Canyon Glen Drive,

Los Angeles.



"Vincent's case seems to be

one of simple abandonment,



and as such,

he's ineligible for aid."



That's right, Julius.

She abandoned me.



This letter was written

   years ago.



We were five years old.



Our mother didn't die

when we were born!



You knew all this time

where she was...



and you never

contacted her?



I don't know about your mother,

"Miss Perfect,     "



but my mother was a slut

and if she's still alive,



I hope she's

in a lot of pain.



She dumped me once.



There is no way I'm gonna give

her a chance to do it again.



If they have lied to us about Mama

for all these years,



maybe they lied to her, too.

We got to find her.



- We have to check this address.

- You do what you want.



I got a cash-flow problem.



- Hello.

- Hey, Vince, we haven't

forgotten about you.



You better have our money

tomorrow morning, or else.



Or else what, you blimp?



Oh, we're rollin'.



Tests on the new low-temperature

gaskets look great.



- Mr. Garfield, there's a man...

- Not now.



- Who are you?

- I'm Webster.



- It's okay!

- Christ! You were never

supposed to come here.



We were never

supposed to meet.



- You're supposed to be...

- Driving that car down to Texas.



I got my driving gloves.

I got my driving glasses.



I got my driving hat.



But I got no car.



The car was there.

The merchandise was in the trunk.



Your instructions

were on the cassette.



He wants more money.

That's what this is about.



- He wants more money.

- Whoa, whoa. Let me explain.



Sit down.



I got a reputation

to uphold.



People put their trust in me.



They know I always

deliver the goods...



and I always come

back with the money.



This is making me look

very bad professionally.



- This is bullshit. The car was there.

- That's right.



The parking attendant

thought we were going to Hawaii.



- The parking attendant?

- He liked the car.



We put on those loud shirts

so we'd look like tourists.



You know,

I just realized that...



in over    years of service,

not one of my clients...



has ever seen my face.



I don't think that's

a problem. Hey!



No, please, please!



- Hi.

- Hi.



- Oh, excuse me, could you

tell me who lives here?

- Grandpa,



this man wants

to talk to you.



Thank you.






Yes, can I help you?



I'm terribly sorry

to disturb your party.



I know this may

sound strange,



but I'm looking for someone

that lived here a long time ago.



Mary Ann Benedict.



She was my mother.



You're Mary Ann's son?



That looks just

like you, Grandpa.



Honey, why don't

you go inside...



and help Grandma

with lunch, okay?






Uh... no!



- But maybe technically speaking.

- Dad!






- Wait a minute!

- Dad! It is you!



This is a big surprise.



Dad, this is incredible.

I don't know what to...



We could use a drink.

Where'd you come from?



One of my fathers! You don't know

what this means to me.



Uh, Mr. Webster, I hope you are

happy with the vehicle...



we chose for

your little journey.



When you get near Houston,

phone    -   -    ...



and ask for uh, uh,

Beetroot McKinley.



He will arrange to trade you a briefcase

for the merchandise in the trunk.



Thank you.



Mary Ann Benedict.



I haven't said that name

out loud for over    years.



Your mother was...



an amazing woman.



Oh, the times I've wondered what would

have happened if I'd have married her.



Why didn't you?



Oh, I asked her to.

She turned me down.



She said she was afraid...



to have any more children.



See, they told her

you had died at birth.



Who told her we died?



Mitchell Traven,

the guy with the clipboard.



He supervised the experiment

for the government.



He still runs a genetics lab

at Los Alamos, New Mexico.



I'll have to pay

him a visit.



Watch out for him.



He's kind of a dickhead,

if you know what I mean.






No, I don't.



But... I'm learning.



I'm concerned about the time frame.



That's my private line, honey.

I'll take care of that.



You boys, excuse me.



Beetroot McKinley talkin'.

Who is this?



Uh, Webster.



I'm callin' from California.

I happen to have something...



Some merchandise

that you might want.



Well, bring it to me, son.



Let me enrich you.



Well, uh, Mr. Beetroot,



it's the amount

of enrichment...



that I wanted

to talk about.



Don't try and renegotiate

with old Beetroot, son.



Now look, Beetroot,



if we can't renegotiate,

we wither and die.



Look, there's no way,

Mr. Beetroot,



that I am going to deliver

any damn Cadillac...



unless I know for sure

that I have...



twenty for my cut.



Twenty! You little

shit-for-brains peckerwood!



You're out of your

goddamn, greedy mind!



- I guess that seems

a little high for you.

- Yeah!



I'm a reasonable man.

How about fifteen?



- The deal is five!

- Five?



I could do better

than five here.



If you can do better

than five million dollars,



well, then, son,

you take it.




I'll see you in Houston.



After all, fair is fair.



I'll just have to find it in

my heart to live with your offer.



Well, good.



Five million!



Five million dollars!



Five mil-l-lion dollars!



Five million dollars!



Five, five million dollars!



Five million dollars!



Five m-m-million!



Cash, lots of cash.






Listen, the most amazing thing

has happened, Vincent.



- You scared the living shit outta me.

- I met one of our fathers.



He told me about

a man in New Mexico...



- who probably knows where Mom is.

- Oh, great! Yes!



- Listen, she didn't abandon you.

- No?



You know what I mean?

She didn't abandon you.



- She didn't even know you were born.

- Oh!



- They told her that I died.

- No kidding?



Look, Julius,

I'm in a hurry.



- You know Sammy, who gave me this car?

- Yeah.



You remember Sammy? He wants me

to take this car to Houston.



- So I'm gonna be gone a couple of days.

- Houston?






- Hou... No!

- You know something?



New Mexico's on

the way to Houston.



A lot of places are

on the way to Houston.



Use the house,

make some phone calls.



Throw wild parties.

Take advantage of your brother.



We have to see this man, Traven,

in New Mexico.



- No, we don't have to see

this man in New Mexico.

- Yes, we do!



And I'm coming with you.



We'll go see the man.



- I take a shower. I get my bags.

- Get your bags.



Be right out. Oh, boy!



I'll be here, bro.




This place is a zoo!



Wait, wait.



- Happy birthday, Vince.

- Oh.



- Happy birthday, Vince.

- God.



- It's not my birthday.

Better late than never.

- Oh.



Look what Marnie

made for Julius.



- You baked?

- Yeah. Is Julius around?



- He's taking a shower.

- I'll go give these to him.






- Where'd you get this car?

- Sammy. You know Sammy.



- Where you going?

- Inside. Have some coffee?



You're going somewhere and you

weren't even gonna say good-bye.



Take out your papers and your trash



Or you don't get

no spending cash



If you don't scrub

the kitchen floor



You ain't gonna

rock and roll no more



Yakety-yak yakety-yak

Don't talk back






Excuse me, but I was

just taking a shower.



Good singing.



I baked you some cookies.



- Cookies?

- I guess it was a dumb idea.



No, not at all. I'm really

looking forward to tossing them.



- I should put on some clothes.

- I'm sorry, I'll turn around.



Linda and I just came by

'cause she baked him a cake...



- for his birthday.

- I had birthday, too.



Oh, that's right.



You're twins.









What is it?



I don't know what it is,

but it's worth a fortune.



- A fortune? That's great!

- Yeah!



Excuse me!



Excuse me.



Never sleep with that man,

never loan him money,



never believe a word he

tells you. That's free advice.



- Good morning, Agnes.

- Vince?



I cleaned her pipes once.

Let's go have a cup of coffee.




I'm comin' with you.



Linda, no,

you're not coming with me.



- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not coming.



You could get killed and die and

I wouldn't know what happened.



- No!

- You say "no" one more time,



- I'm gonna tell everybody that there's...

- Shut up! Shut up!



All right. Oh, God.



All right, you're coming.



But you do not tell Julius

what's in that trunk.



He thinks we're going

to look up our ancestors...



like in "Roots" or something.

All right?



- Does this one look okay?

- It looks fine.



It's good you didn't have

to borrow his pants.



- Marnie, guess what?

- Linda, what?



Vince just asked us to go to New Mexico

and Texas with him.



This is a great idea.



- Vincent, is this true?

We all go together?

- Yeah.



I thought it was a great idea

if we all hopped in the car...



and spent a few days

on the road together.



Nice shirt.



- Feels great. It's all cotton.

- Well, it breathes.



It's okay. Come out.



All right. Here, Linda.



Oh, can I ride

in front with Vincent?



- Sure.

- Thanks.



Now, let me see.



I'm supposed to be

giving you one of these.



Sorry, it's my first day

on the job.



Have a nice day.



Now, where do I find

this very special person,



Mr. Vince Benedict?



Well, what have we here?



What a cute little kitty.



Where's Daddy?



Well, well, well.

Thank you very much.



Open up, Vince.

We know you're in there.



Come on, we just

wanna talk to you.






Who are you?



It's not really

important, is it?



I was just feeding the cat,

then I was gonna leave.



I asked you a question.



- Well, who are you?

- We're the Klane brothers.



That's Burt, this is

Morris, and I'm Bob.



- Interesting gene pool.

- Don't cast dispersions.



I beg your pardon. But you're

looking for Vince Benedict.



- Right.

- Am I Vince Benedict?



So what difference

does it make who I am?



- Hit him, Bobby.

- Yeah.



Hey! All right.



Your brothers seem to have

a problem with their feet.



- Could be contagious. Bye, bye.

- Ow! Ow!



Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!



- You want a doctor?

- Ow!



I'll call a doctor.



Sorry I tore your shirt.

I don't know what happened.



It's all right.



- Julius!

- What?



- Are you allergic to something?

- No.



Then why are these bumps

all over your body?



You're all swelled up.

You look like you're ready to explode.



Put this shirt on. There are

women and children present.



And your back,

it's worse than the front.



- It's like North Dakota.

- You're so funny, Vincent.



This is for the T-shirt

and the sandwiches.



- Born to be bad.

- Yes, we are.



Ooh, you're so scary.









Well, what do you think?



- Let's rock and roll.

- It's his first T-shirt.



- Honey, honey.

- Yeah?



See if you can get us

a room with a king-size bed?



- Right.

- We'll get us settled.

We'll meet you here.



- Okay.

- Good-bye.



I don't need a king-size bed.

I always sleep on the floor.



Uh, I don't know, Jules.

I hope this is a good idea.



Come on.



Now, look,

promise me something.



If this Professor Traven

has never heard of,



you know,

Mom or us twins...



or all our dads

or the experiment,



you won't be upset.



All I want him to do

is tell us the truth.



I don't know who you are

and what you're talking about.



Get the hell out of here

before I call security.



Well, that's that.

On to Houston.



- He's lying!

- Take it easy. He said

he was gonna call security.



For the first time in my life,

I'm pissed off!



Julius, don't do this to me.

I got a car to deliver.



The last thing I need is

a detour in the slammer.



- I'm gonna make him tell us the truth.

- No!



That's our mother.

Those are our six fathers.



That's Werner.

And that is you.



- So start talking.

- Everything okay, Dr. Traven?



Um, yes. It's okay.



I'll take care of it.



Well, Vincent,



you turned out just like

I thought you would.



What did you do,

escape from prison?



How'd you know my name?



I named you.



We sealed this door

the day after you were born.



Well, come on in.

This is what you wanted to see.



You came out first,

of course.



We weren't expecting...






This, uh...



must be where you

made the milk shake.



We weren't

making milk shakes.



We were making the most fully-developed

human the world has ever seen.



But instead of just

one perfect kid,



- Mom had the two of us. Way to go, Mom!

- Wrong!



The embryo did split

in two, but...



it didn't split equally.



All the purity and

strength went into Julius.



All the crap

that was left over...



went into what you see

in the mirror every morning.



Whoa. You telling me

I'm the crap?



- This is not true.

- Wait, Julius.



You're telling me that I am

the leftover crap? I'm no good?



- He's wrong.

- Look at him.



Are you saying that

I'm a side effect?



You haven't got the brain power

to understand this...



and I haven't got the time.

Show's over.



Hey, dickhead.



Tell us where

our mother is.



Um... Whispering Pines.



It's an artists' colony

    miles north of Santa Fe.



If you're lying to me,

I'll be back.



Come on.



My life just got

flushed down the toilet.



No, Vincent. Your life

is just about to begin.



I'm genetic garbage.



We're twins.

We're basically the same.



Julius, I know this is

a touchy subject for you,



but we don't look the same,

we don't act the same,



- we don't talk the same,

we don't dress the same.

- I know.



So if we're so much the same,

how come we're so different?



We had six fathers.



We're different parts of

a lot of different people.






Don't forget. I was taken

to a beautiful island.



I was loved. I was

protected, educated.



You had nobody, Vincent.



Nobody to love you,

to trust you, to encourage you.



All life taught you was

that the only person you...



could count on was yourself.



You see, Vincent,



you're the missing part

of my life.



And I'm the missing part

of your life.



When we find Mama,



we can fill the

missing part of hers.



We won't be alone anymore.



We can be a family.



A family?






You mean, like,

with a Christmas tree,



and Thanksgiving dinner?



And a real home,



where you'll

always be welcome.






Even when you've been bad.



Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.



Yeah, yeah, ooh.



Yes, um-mm. Oh, look.



- Is this really necessary?

- Yes, of course it's necessary.



I'm not going to introduce

you to my mother looking

like a goat herder from Albania.



You need clothes.



- But I feel fine the way I am.

- But you look like a...



- Hello, can I help you?

- Do I look like I need help?



Here's the problem.

We gotta do a whole ensemble.



- Do I look okay?

- You look better. Let's put it that way.



You know what

we have to do, Jules?



We gotta work on the way

you're walking.



You look a little stiff.

You ever see "Frankenstein"?



- I read the book.

- That's not gonna help.



When you walk, you gotta walk

like you're moving to music,



and I don't mean

a military march.



Like, you know, Aretha Franklin

and Otis Redding...



and Wilson Pickett,

a couple of white people.



- Like this?

- Yeah. Bop! That's it.



- Yeah, loose!

- Oh, I like that.



I got something for you.

Try these on.



- Sunglasses?

- Yeah, here you go.



Now, that's it.

There. Yeah!



That's it. Yeah!



- Whoops!

- Whoa!



- Do I look cool now?

- Mr. Ice.



Yeah, just breeze

on through. Yeah!






Tonight's the night



It's gonna be

a good night, bro



And everything's gonna

happen, bro



And you take her

in your arms



And you plant a good

one on her... ho



Tonight's the night



Tonight, tonight, tonight



Tonight is your night, bro



Tonight is your night, bro



Tonight is your night, bro



Yeah, it's your night, bro!



Oh yeah, bro

You're gonna do it



You're gonna cut it



You're making me nervous!



- Well, you're nervous.

- You've got to help me.



- What?

- I've never been out on a date before.



- That's okay.

- I don't know what to do.



Well, you talk to her.

You buy her a couple of drinks.



You dance with her, bro



You gonna dance with



You dance?



- Oh, you probably never

did that before, either.

- No.



Oh, well, look.



All right.



The first thing is,




forget about disco.



- Right? No disco.

- No disco.



When I really wanna

romance a girl...



I waltz with her.







- You mean, like Strauss?

- Yeah.



It turns 'em into

putty in your hands.







Rump-bump-bum, Rump-bump-bum




Come on, let's assume

the dance position.



I'll give you

a couple of pointers.



- I really appreciate that.

- Come on. Let's go.



I hope nobody's

looking in the window.



Come on, like this.

Here you go.



Put your feet by my feet.

Come on. Let's go.



By my feet...



not on my feet.

Thanks very much.



- Sorry, Vincent.

- Minor oversight.



Grab my hand.

Come on.



Yeow! Ah! Ease up!



- Tiny bit. Let the blood

flow through the fingers.

- Oh, like loose?



- See, come on. That's it, relax.

- I'm just nervous.



Okay, one, two, three.

One, two, three.



- One, two, three.

- One, two, three.



- One, two, three.

- Don't, no.



- One, two, three.

- See what you're doing with your teeth?



You're grinding them.

Don't grind your teeth.



Don't grind your teeth.



Relax your jaws, yeah.



Now try to count without

moving your lips, all right?



- One, two, three.

- One, two, three.



See? That's it.

You're not wrestling a boar...



    miles south,

southwest of Fiji.



If I die for this dance



Hold you and talk of






I've never been lucky



I've got to take a chance



I'm caught up

in some kind of trance



And yes I would die

for this dance



Where did you come from



Out of nowhere it seems



- May be an angel

- Good, Jules.



Smiling on me



I know it's crazy



You've taken my heart



I'll never leave you



You're my missing part



Yes I'd die for this dance



Hold you and

talk of romance



I've never been lucky

I've got to take a chance






I'm caught up in

some kind of trance



Yes I would die

for this dance



Way to go, Jules!






Did you know they had beer

in Ancient Egypt?



- Oh, yeah?

- No.



It was actually the Assyrians

that developed the beer.



The Egyptians were the first

to perfect the malt process.



- You know a lot about beer.

- He knows about everything.



It's all from books.

Until tonight, I've never had a beer.



All theory, no practice.

The story of my life.



- Awww!

- We're gonna change all that.



Aren't we, Marnie?



- Marnie.

- What?



Am I shit-faced yet?



Excuse me, but...

my back teeth are floating.



Excuse me, I have to check if

my back teeth are floating.



Good shot.



Woo-hoo! Ooo!



Oh, God. We both flushed at

the same time before we did it.



Yeah, right. Woo-hoo!



Hey, Jules. Marnie's

got the hots for you, babe.



Tonight is your lucky night.

I know it.



- I don't think Marnie likes me.

- You kidding? Piece of cake.



This woman is ripe.

You're nervous...



because it's your first time.

Perfectly natural.






Were you nervous

the first time?



I was    years old and she was

a nun. Talk about pressure.






Come on, hit 'em.



- What?

- Hit 'em, hit 'em.



Oh, hit 'em,

hit 'em.






you know...



Julius, I have

to admit this.



Since you and I

first met, uh,



my life has been just

getting better and better.



Mine, too.



I'm so happy, Vincent.



I feel like

sometimes, like...



- picking you up and hug you...

- Whoa!



And hug you,

hug you, hug you.



Hey, he's my brother.



Oh, lay off

the beer, Julius.



Did you tell anyone

we were coming to Santa Fe?



I called work and told them

we wouldn't be in for a few days.



Oh, I forgot to tell you

we were fired.



- Oh, no.

- You hated that job.



- Nice of your boss to tell us

where we could find you.

- Oh, no.



Hi, girls, you don't mind if

we join you and listen to some music.



The Klane boys.

What an unpleasant surprise.



Vince, this has

gone way beyond...



- a case of simple loan delinquency.

- We don't like being shot.



Shot? Who shot you?



- What do you want?

- We want to take Vince...



- out to the parking lot and kill him.

- Ohhh, owww!



Don't you think

that's a little drastic?



Let's go.



Don't touch him.






Hey, big fella.



You wouldn't want me to hurt

the lovely lady, would you?



You moved too soon.



- What?

- The second rule in a crisis:



Uh-oh. He's startin'

that funny talk, again.



If you choose to bluff,



you must be prepared

to have your bluff called.



This is no bluff.



These are my cousins,

Sam and Dave.



Get these jerks

outta here.



I'm so proud of you.

I love when you hit people.



You got a lot

of rules, Jules.



What a day.



First we visited

our birthplace,



then we bought

new clothes.



I got a bucket of ice and

a very good bottle of wine.



- Then we danced the waltz.

- Yes, we did.



- It's too bright.

- Then we got into a fight.



- We have this beautiful room.

- Perfect. Yes, it is beautiful.



Life just doesn't

get better than this.



- Oh, yes, it does. Good night.

- Where are you going?



I'm gonna go tuck Linda in

and maybe read her a bedtime story.



Don't wait up for me.



Tonight is your night, bro



It's your night, bro



Oh, Vincent, you locked

yourself out.






- Marnie.

- Hi.



- Hi.

- Vince and Linda wanna be alone,



so I'm afraid I'm gonna

have to stay here tonight.



- You mean you're gonna

sleep here tonight?

- Uh-huh.



Which bed should I take?



Either bed will be fine.



I always sleep

on the floo...



- Good night.

- Good night.






- Good night.

- Good night.



- Oh, no.

- What?



- What's the matter?

- This bed is lumpy.



You mind if I share

the floor with you?



You're teasing me,

aren't you?



A little.



What do I do now?



We'll figure it out.



- Oh, Vince.

- Tonight is our night, bro



Why are you

doing that now?



Mom hasn't seen me

in all these years.



I wanna look my best.



- Tonight

- Your mom's gonna love you

whatever you look like.



And you look

really good.



I know, I know,

I know, I know.



So like this.

One, two, three.



Are you a little nervous?



      no,   .



- Just a little.

- Nine, ten.



- Linda.

- What?



Like, what if she's

disappointed in me?



If she's disappointed,

then she's a fake.



I don't know what else

a mom could want in a son.



- Huh?

- You're right.



You're right, you're right.

Why am I worried?



- What am I worried about?

- I don't know.



You got it all.



- I couldn't do this without you, Linda.

- Yeah.



You know,

I've been thinking...



- that when we get back...

- Yeah?



I think we should

move in together.



No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.



- Oh, no, no.

- It's not "Oh, no."



- It's not no, no, no, no, no.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.



I don't want to get married

and it's not that I wanna...



keep track of you,

because I don't need to.



I just wanna

live with you.



It'd be fun.



Linda, look at me.



Do I look like somebody

who could play house?



I'm cranky in the morning,

I'm grouchy in the afternoon,



I'm moody at night,

I'm like miserable.



I know what

you're like.



Let's sleep on it, okay?

Sleep on it.



- Okay, one night.

- This is going to be great.



Tomorrow I'm taking my best girl

to meet my mom. I'm so excited.



- Your best girl?

- Yeah, you, you.



- Linda, there's no other girls.

Not anymore.

- Yeah?



- Just you.

- There better not be. Know why?



- Why?

- 'Cause I only have eyes for you



- That sounds familiar.

- It's a good song.



You like that song, huh?



And I only have eyes



For you

she-bop she-bop



She-bop she-bop



She-bop she-bop



I only have eyes for you

She-bop she-bop



She-bop she-bop



She-bop she-bop



Just for you

She-bop she-bop



Oh, it's huge.



Oh, it's beautiful.



Not to mention valuable.



Real estate like this

is worth a fortune.



You mustn't always

think about money.



You got me all wrong,




I'm just saying

it's nice Mom's loaded.



That's a worry she won't

have to have in her old age.




can I help you?



- Yes, yes, yes.

- Oh, um, excuse me.



We are looking for

Mary Ann Benedict, please.



I'm sorry, but

that's not possible.



Look, we've

come a long way.



And believe me, she's gonna

be very happy to see us.



You're gonna have to

write to the Benedict Foundation

stating your business.



I'm sorry. Good day.



- Foundation?

- Millions, Julius.



Mama's rich.

We gotta go see her.






- Let's get in there.

We gotta talk to her.

- We sneak in.



- How is it?

- Yeah, it's clear. Throw me over.







Vince, are you okay?



Yeah, shut up.

Come on, come on.



What a lovely day.



Hey, Vincent, don't you

think this is Mama?



It could be. Yeah.



Don't just stand there.

Go introduce yourselves.






- Should you people be here?

- Uh-oh.



That depends on how you feel

personally about trespassing.



Does he always try

to be funny like that?



- We're looking for

Miss Mary Ann Benedict.

- Yeah.



- Is she here?

- Yeah, she's here.



She's here!



Sneaking in like that,

I should call the police.



No, no, no. You don't want

to do anything like that.



This is not your everyday,

average situation.



She's our mother,

is the thing.



- We're her sons.

- Twin sons.



You're comedians.



- No.

- No. We...



We're kind of a surprise.



I'll bet you are.

Follow me.



- We were right.

- It is her.



Excuse me.



- We thought that this is...

- Mary Ann Benedict?



This is an artists' colony.

There are a lot of painters.



Come on.



I can't wait to meet her.



- Yeah.

- It's gotta be amazing.



Look. Mary Ann Benedict

never understood...



why people wanted

to buy her paintings.



But for a brief period,

they were considered valuable.



She used the money

to buy Whispering Pines.



May I ask you a question?



Why do you keep referring

to her in the past tense?






she passed away

some time ago.



She passed...



You jus... You just said

she was here.



I meant, her spirit.

Her spirit is always here.



Come on.



Can we get the hell

out of here, please?



Those damn real estate developers!



They won't be happy until

they turn this into a golf course.



Oh, is that

who they were?



They're shameless.

They'll try anything.



Do you know those men claim

to be my twin sons?



- If you can believe that!

- What?



It was really

quite upsetting.



Mary Ann, I am sorry.



It's all right.

It doesn't matter.



You get over things.



I did have a child once.



But he died at birth.



You should be proud of her.



She donates her house, land,



and all her paintings

to young artists.



Linda, do I look like

a young artist?



- All she meant...

- I know what she meant,

and why she's here.



It's got nothing to do

with finding my mother,



and everything

to do with money.



- That's not true and you know it.

- Bullshit!



Take it easy, Vincent.

This is not her fault.



Take it easy, Vincent.

This is not her fault.



Look who decided

to chime in!



The creature from

the Black Lagoon.



I should've had my head

examined listening to you.



A deal-of-a-lifetime




and I'm out looking

for a dead mother.



- All I wanted was to

make us into a family.

- Family, my butt!



There's no family here.



There's nothin' here

except me and three losers.



I don't know

why I listen to people.



- I don't know why I do it.

- Cut it out.






- I'm leaving.

- No, stop!



Stop! What are you doing?



You're acting

like a fourth-grader.



Where do you think

you're going?



He dumped us in

the middle of New Mexico.



I can't...






You don't know this,



and I promised Vince

that I wouldn't tell you,



but he's got something in

the trunk that's worth millions.



I'm worried he's gonna get

himself killed delivering it.



Okay, yeah. Yes, Mr. Beetroot.



Yeah, I'll find it. Yeah.



Yes, I have a map.



All right.

I'll see you there.



See you in Houston

in the morning.



I'll be looking

forward to it.



What a coincidence.



That was our friend.



Looks like I'm gonna be

doing business with... him.






I would have done

the same thing.



You want the merchandise.

It's not your problem who delivers.






But how will

you find him?



I have him in my head.



I found him once,

I'll find him again.



I hope so. Bye.



Be careful.



Brother to brother



Brother to brother



One to another



Like no other



Brother to brother

Brother to brother



Never knew you existed



Never saw you

in my dreams



If there were signs

I must've missed 'em



Who would I believe



Now all of a sudden



We're sharing this skin



Like a shadow

you stick to me



Through every jam I'm in



Brother to brother



You took me by the hand

brother to brother



You helped me understand

one to another



There'll never be another

No, no



Brother to brother

my brother



Brother to brother

my brother



When I felt like a zero



You became my hero



One to another



You have been my brother



My brother




Brother to brother



Brother to brother



When I was up

against the wall



About to take

a really big fall



Sorry I'm late.



- The directions you gave me weren't...

- Step back.



Get over here.



I'm unarmed.



He's clean.



Oh, oh.

Isn't that pretty!



Yeah, it is.



- Did you come here alone, unarmed?

- Yeah.



You're just some fool

who stole a car?



Yeah, I guess I am.



You don't know what

the hell this is, do you?






Revolutionary fuel-injection

system for jets.



Worth a fortune to the company that

brings it to the market first.



Somebody else developed it,

but I just had to have it.



Crafty devil, huh?



What are you waiting for?



Wait a minute, Beetroot!



- I thought we had a deal.

- We do.



Five million bucks!



- You wanna count it?

- No, no.



- But I could use a lift to town.

- Don't press your luck.



Okay. That's all right.



I gassed it up for you,

Beetroot. Thank you!



Five million dollars!

Five million bucks!




Five million bucks!



I've gotta look at it!






Hey, Benedict!



All I want is the money.



Just give me what's mine

and I'll leave you alone.



Steps! Steps!



Leave my brother alone.









No, no, no.



No, no.



Julius, you're...

you're here?



No. No, you idiot.



Don't be nervous.



I hate violence.

Plus I never carry a gun.



Who are you?



Whoa, whoa, whoa!



Put the gun down.

I got the money.



Here's your money.

Here's your money.



Here's the money.



You're a goddamned millionaire.



You, I am never

gonna forgive... never.



- Open it.

- Open it?



You were going

to get killed.



- I was trying to distract him

so you could escape.

- I already had escaped!



I was halfway to Brazil

when I felt you!



- Close it.

- Close it?



Open it, close it.

Open it, close it.



- Why didn't you go?

- Why didn't I go?



Because thanks to you,

I'm not only a goddamned psychic...






- I think the case belongs to me.

- Oh, sorry.



I got this disease

called a conscience.



- No one ever said being good was easy.

- "No one ever said..."



Will you two shut up!



Butt out, pal!

You got your money.



Now take it and go live in

the lap of luxury somewhere.



Try Brazil.



It doesn't work that way.

You've seen my face.



Which one's first?



You gonna kill us, even though

we gave you the money?



You got it.



Wait, you forgot the third rule

in a crisis situation.



- The third rule?

- Third rule?



Yeah, third rule.






- The third rule.

- What's the third rule?












Now there's a man

with a lot on his mind.



Thanks for coming back,




We're brothers, right?



- We're family.

- That's right.



A rich family.



- A good family.

- What? What?



- We're gonna return this money.

- No.



- We don't have to give it back.

- Yes, we do.



- Why? Why?

- We have to, believe me.



- Mary Ann?

- Hmm?



I think you'd better come

take a look at this.



What is it?



Mary Ann?



What a pleasant surprise.



You stole my family.



You lying son of a bitch.



Linda, I'm sorry.



I made a terrible mistake

and I apologize.



L... All I'm asking for

is another chance.



I know I don't

deserve this...



That's right,

you don't deserve it.






Yes, this is the

Benedict Corporation.



We are a consulting firm...

a think tank.



Something like

the Rand Corporation.



- Only smarter.

- Only smarter.



Tomorrow at  :  .



Yes, I'll put you down.



Good night, Mr. Benedicts.



- Good night.

- Good night.



That's it.

The last check is written.



What do we have left out of

the $      reward?



After we've paid off

all our debts,



we have exactly $     .



- $     . That's terrible.

- What?



You're just upset because

I made you return that suitcase.



Oh, the money.



You mean the

four million dollars.



Four million dollars.

Just say it.



Say it...

four million dollars.



It's a lot of money,





I'm very proud of you.






yeah, I'm kinda

proud of myself.



Isn't it great to be one of

the good guys for a change?



It feels great

to be a good guy!



You're a great guy, too.

You came back for me, huh?



- You did steal a car though.

- I borrowed one.



I brought it back the next day.

I explained it to the man.



He was a cowboy.



Excuse me? I'm...



Oh, my God. I don't even know

which one is which.



I'm sorry.

I didn't know.



You see, I didn't

believe your story.



Who would believe

a crazy story like that?



They lied to me

all these years.



They lied to you, too.



You found each other.



Now you found me.












Oh, Mama!









Thanks. This is

gonna be great.



I just can't get over

how alike they are.



Yes, it's a beautiful day.


Special help by SergeiK