Two If By Sea Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Two If By Sea script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Sandra Bullock and Denis Leary movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Two If By Sea. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Two If By Sea Script




            By the way, I like your hair.

            - No, you don't. - No, I do. It's... .

            It's nice.


            Think for  150 bucks they could...

            ...make it all one color.

            Honey... .

            Shut up.

            This style right here...

   popular in N.Y. now. All the models have it:

            Christy Turlington, Linda Evangelista, Claudia Schiffer... .

            Maybe in New York you can walk around like that...

            ...but in Boston you'd look like you can't make up your mind.

            I'm from New York, so I know a little more about fashion than you do.

            So, what?

            You visit New York a few times a year and suddenly you're Christie Brinkley?

            We live   hours from the cultural mecca of this hemisphere.


            I'm talking about restaurants.

            - I'm talking about museums... - Here we go.

            Yes, exactly. I'm talking about the theater, about Cats.

            We've seen Batman Returns    times.

            Honey, no. We've seen   different Batman movies   times each.

            They all sucked.

            I'm not driving   hours each way...

   see a bunch of fags dressed up in tights pretending to be cats, okay?

            - Do bugs have their own show? - Let me ask a question.

            So a guy dressed up like a bat, that's okay, right?

            But a guy dressed like a cat's a fag?

            Batman's different. He's got the cape and the cowl.

            And spends all his time with a teenage boy. Talk to the hand, okay?

            You know what? You smell like smoke.

            You had a cigarette.

            I haven't had a cigarette in   months.

            - You had a cigarette. - I didn't.

            - You smoked. - Read the map.

            I didn't have a cigarette. Read the fucking map!

            No way.

            - Read it yourself. - Great.

            That's just fucking great.

            What's wrong with you?

            What's wrong? This requires a plan. This is big time.

            - I planned it. - Like Homer Simpson, you planned it.

            "Beano's got a job for me. All I do is drive a painting to Rhode Island. "

            "Think of it as a ride in the country. "

            First of all, technically, this is a ride in the country.

            Second, if you'd changed the oil in your      fucking shitbag...


            Then I wouldn't have stolen this car and the cops wouldn't've seen us...

            ...and we'd be on our way.

            What're you doing?

            Taking a right.

            You don't know where you're going.

            Who's to blame for that? Remember the map? Those were the days.

            The map days.

            See you later, fellas.

            Oh, my God.

            I got you something.

            It's a little cat.

            Did you steal this from the house?

            Honey... .


            I love it.

            I want to look at this.

            Oh, honey, that's beautiful.

              Take a good look. She's worth about     grand.

              My cut's    thou.

              - Our cut. - Right. Our cut.

              We're a team, honey. We do things together. Together, honey.

              My little pookie.

              My little stud muffin.

              The back.

              Go to the back.

              In the back? Okay. The back.

              Honey, no.

              Take your jacket off. Take it off.

              Shit, honey, we're on the painting.

              Take the painting.

              Wait, I lost the cat.

              I lost the cat. I lost the cat.

              Fuck the cat, honey.

              Holy shit, a train!

              Tickets, please. Next stop, Narragansett.


              Train to the ferry, hit the island, perfect.

              What time do we meet the buyer?

              Five o'clock.



              - What? - Surprise.

              Today's Thursday.

              I know. But you know how Beano wanted me to steal the painting Sunday...

     it all in one day?

              But I figured, why not make a weekend out of it?

              - Tickets. -   for Narragansett.

              - My wallet... - What?

              Must have left my wallet in my other pants.

              Oh, please...

              ...allow me.

              You left the stolen car at the train station.

              Police find it... .

              These aren't college graduates we're talking about. They're cops.

              They're like garbage men with guns, first of all.

              And second of all...

              ...sometimes the best way to do something is do the most obvious thing.

              People don't even pick up on it.

              Okay, then... .

              Follow me, Einstein.

              Frank, the painting.

              Shoot, shoot.

              Give me your screwdriver.

              Open for Mommy. Open!

              Watch this.

              Honey, are you going to jump?

              I got it.

              All right, come on, honey.

              Just back up again.

              Honey, you okay?

              - What do we do now? - We wait.

              That's nice. Why don't you use a tissue or something?

              Honey, that wasn't me.

              Frank, they're so cute.


              ...puppies are cute. These are cheeseburgers with legs.

              Come on.

              What're you doing?

              Frank, come on! Come on!

              Don't take off your shoes!

              Come on.


              O'Malley, FBI.



              I don't know. I just thought you'd be more... .

              More... Irish?

              Yes, sir.

              Top of the fucking morning to you.

              Yes, sir.

              The perpetrator forced entry through the back entrance...

              ...using a blunt object, possibly a shoe.

              Lose the legalese. He kicked the door in.

              What's that?

              Plaster. The suspect may have worked with plaster recently.

              The perpetrator entered the living room where he absconded with the painting:

              Odalisque with Red Culottes, by Henri Matisse.

              Approximate worth: $  million, according to the owner.


              - $  million... - The guy's name.

              Henri Matisse. He's French.

              I know he's French, but you're not, so say "Henry. "

              Also missing: one black ceramic cat.

              Approximate worth: $ .  . Again, according to the owner.

              A what?

              A ceramic cat. It was her favorite.

              Excuse me, sir, there's no smoking in here.

              What's with the TV?

              Sir, it appears that the perpetrator tried to... .

              Tried to cop a TV.

              Yes. We feel it was too heavy for him.

              Guy lifts a $  million painting. Why take a TV?

              Maybe he thought the ceramic cat would look good on it.

              What do you think? Phil the Shill?

              Don't start with me.

              Oh, I forgot. Phil the Shill is dead.

              Who would know better than you?

              Did he ever tell you a story about Phil the Shill?

              - Who? - I'm not in the mood today, Peters!

              Back in     ...

              ...our man, O'Malley, here, was assigned to some big art heist.

              Figures it was the work of this famous thief out of New York, Phil the Shill.

              Anyway, he spent the next    months tracking this guy...

              ...when one day, guess who drops dead in the Cayman Islands?

              - Phil the Shill. - Bingo.

              Case closed?

              Not for O'Malley.

              He spent the next year and $      .

              On what? Trying to find a dead guy.

              He faked it.

              He faked his own death.

              Yeah, sure.

              Oh, God.

              Okay, honey, we're walking.

              We're walking.

              We're walking.

              We're making a right.

              Here you go.

              Want a breath mint?

              Can you hold this, please?

              How do we make a weekend on $ .   honey?

              Follow me.

              I'll get Beano to wire some money.

              Beano'll wire you money?

              He won't give you money when you're standing in front of him.

              He sent me here.

              He'll do us a favor.

              Jesus Christ, Beano, I had it   days and it don't work!

              What do you expect for $  ? Next time, steal it yourself.

              Hey, Beano, phone.

              Come on.

              How you doing?

              - It's Frank. - How're you?

              - How much for the whole box? - $  .

              - Ready for Sunday? - You nuts?

              Am I nuts? You're the guy carrying a box of phones.

              Okay,    bucks.

              Yeah, hold on.

              Big job, Frankie. Big job.


              ...I already kind of did the job.

              - But, look... - Will you answer the phone?

              What job?

              You know...

              ...the painting. I figured, what the heck, you know?

              Why not make a weekend out of it?

              Make a weekend out of what?

              The painting.

              You stole it already?

              I got it right here.

              This is not my day!


              Frank, what the hell?!

              We don't really get a chance to get away that much, so...

              "We"? Who's "we"?

              Me and Roz.

              We don't really take a lot of vacations.

              You know, I figured...

              - What, am I your travel agent? - Rappaport, Rappaport... .

              No, but I just thought... .

              "Rappaport. "

              My mother's right. You're retarded. You and that broad.

              Leave Roz out of this.

              Why not a girl from the neighborhood? But no! That'd make sense!

              I have it figured out. Why don't we make the drop today...

              ...since I'm here with the painting and then, you know, get the buyer.

              Think I just decide on a day?

              "Sox're out of town. Pull the job Sunday. "

              This is set up for a reason!

              The buyer's out of town!

              Guess what day he's due back?


              Lucky guess!

              I must think.

              So, look...

              ...check into an island hotel...

              ...and be at the fish plant at   on what day?


              Memorize it!

              Frank, I swear to God!

              How will I know the guy?

              If the wrong guy turns up at the fish plant...

     the end of a deserted pier on Sunday afternoon with $     ... .


              Sell him the fucking painting!

              You say you lost your wallet?

              I didn't lose it. I know exactly where it is. It's home...

              ...on top of the bureau.

              Found it on the driver's seat.

              Different name, every card.

              Seems pretty smalltime, huh?

              It's a $  million painting. That's never smalltime.

              What's this?

              It's vacant till Sunday. That's all that matters.

              - What do you say? Back door? - No.

              They'd expect us to go to the back door.

              So, what do we do? We go to the front.

              This ain't Boston, Frankie. All right?

              Magic Johnson. What are you looking for, a key?

              - No, for your brain. - Think someone'd leave a key...

              I think it might be up here.

     the front door?

              Like this key right here?

              Is that what you're talking about?

              I'm just checking.


              - Here. - You carry it.

              This place is a gold mine.

              Not here. It's bad karma.

              Where'd you learn that? Night school?

              What have we here?


              "Todd, water the plants, pick up the newspaper... . "

              "Aspen. "

              "Having a great time, Dale Jr. And Vivian. "

              "We'll see you Sunday the   th when we fly back from Chicago. Joan. "

              Don't think so, Todd.

              Where's the TV?

              Police in Newport, Rhode Island...

              ...are investigating the theft of a painting from an art collector.

              The painting, Matisse's Odalisque with Red Culottes...

     valued at $  million.

              The buyer said     grand.

              You told Frankie it was worth     grand.

              The police believe international thieves...

              ...took the painting in the early hours of the morning.

              I'm getting that painting! I'll sell it myself for real money!

              This is a horse that still runs six panels in the back five.

              I don't think they'll negotiate on the stud fee.

              Let me call you back.

              We ran the prints off the toy cat.

              "Francis Michael O'Brien...

              ...drunk and disorderly, Fenway Park in '  .

              Possession of fireworks.

              Scalping in front of Ticketmaster. "

              That's a new one.

              Sir, I say we leave this to the state police.

              We're going after him.

              They have a Jacuzzi.

              Bathroom's like Madison Square Garden.

              There's a quiz here called, "Are You in a Dead-End Relationship?"

              There's no TV in this house.

              Now if this was our house...

              ...I'd have the TV right in here.

              Bar or something.

              Who locks the bar?

              Honey, answer the question:

              "You have just had a fight.

              Does he, A:

              Resume normal activity.

              B: Go for a walk...

              ...or C: Pour a drink and turn on the ball game?"

              You know what? There is no TV here.


              ...that's what I call class.

              A: Resume normal activity.

              Okay, number two.

              "An old boyfriend comes into town and asks you to dinner.

              Do you, A: Accept the invitation...

              ...if your current boyfriend comes?

              B: Sneak off to the dinner, but don't tell him...

              ...or C: Turn down the invitation. "

              That's a tough one.

              You tell him to go fuck himself and then...

              ...I beat the shit out of him.

              That's not what I did last time.

              Very funny.

              Was it that prick Andy Porcini?

              Andy, there's somebody at the door.

              You just called me Andy.

              Honey, you just said:

              "Andy, there's somebody at the..."

              - No, I didn't. - That's what you said.

              You said, "Andy, there's someone at the door. "

              - I was just kidding. - I can tell when you're joking.

              A cop?

              He's too good-looking.


              First you say the thing about Andy Porcini.

              This guy's good-looking?



              Sorry to intrude. Evan Marsh, from just across the way.

              Who are you?

              We're friends of the Rappaports.

              My name is Roz. How are you?

              This is Frank.

              No one's supposed to be here.

              We're friends of Dale Junior and Vivian.

              We go skiing with them every year...


              Dale didn't mention you were... .

              It was so last minute. We just got on the phone.

              We called Todd. We said:

              "We'll care for the place this weekend, just take your cares elsewhere. "

              - They were in... . - Chicago.

              Chicago, and we just saw them up... We saw them at... .

              - Easter. - Easter, up in... .

              - The Cape. - At the Cape because...

              ...because we had a party and... .

              - And Dale was shitfaced, remember? - Drunk.

              He was real pissed.

              This is propitious. I'm having a little bash tomorrow night.

              Cocktails and... .

              Perhaps you'd care to stop by.

              Well, I would...

              I would love to. If you don't want to... .

              I would love to.

              I'll see you tomorrow.

              Good night.

              Think he's gay?

              Look at his pants.

              Gay people wear tight pants.

              Here it is.



              Auguring well.

              Gracious and favorably inclined. "

              It just means... .

              He could have just said, "Wicked good. "

              My God. This is the painting that you stole.

              Oh, my God.

              "Odalis-que a-la...

     Cu-Cu-lotte. "

              What is "culotte"? Rouge.

              Oh, my God, Henry Matisse. The guy who painted it.

              - You know what? - It's pretty old.

              This place is nice.

              You know?

              This bed...

              ...the books, you know.

              The books?

              - Yeah, the books, they look nice. - Nice books?

              You always say we never go anywhere... .

              Here we are.

              I know what you're doing.

              Don't even try it.

              Don't even try it.

              You know what?

              I was wrong about this dye job.

              I like the color. All three colors.

              So, now that I'm lying here half-naked, it's not... .

              Weird? Is that what you called it?

              That's a horrible thing to...

              - What? - I don't know, it's just...

              You know, even though I hate what we do... .

              You know, well, what you do.

              Sometimes it's really exciting.

              It's like, where we are on the water...

              ...and the house and all the books, great bed.

              Great books, we got a great bed and great books and... .

              Got a great bed.

              We got great books.

              Relax, I'd never hurt you.

              You know what we should do?

              Get out more often.

              We should go to my sister's place on Long Island.

              Next weekend. We'll have it to ourselves.

              - Kiss me. - What do you want?

              - Get some of those candles. - Those oils.

              Almond oil's my favorite.

              It tastes like peanut butter.

              The candles?

              Maybe... .

              Maybe we should...

              - What? - Nothing.

              I was just thinking of this thing I told Jimmy, but cancel it.

              What'd you tell Jimmy?

              No, it was just this little thing with Jimmy.

              - No, what? - Honey, it was nothing.

              You said that this was gonna be the last time you pulled a job like this.

              You were going to pull this job, then work for your uncle.

              - It's not a job. - Right? That was the plan?

              But it's not...

              - It's not what you think. - What is it?

              He's got a truckload of TVs coming.

              I just collect the money, three grand.

              You say three, you come home with    .

              You are guaranteed $      with your uncle, honey.

              A thousand dollars.

              I hate that job, plastering walls   hours a day.

              Make up your mind. You're either a contractor or you are a thief.

              How many thieves you know got day jobs? How many?

              A lot. Me...

              ...Jimmy... - Fucking, fucking...

              Fucking Nicky... .

              You suck!

              Don't touch me, all right? You suck!

              - Honey. All right. - Don't!

              You know...

    're a cashier at Barnes and Noble.

              Don't even go there. All right?

              I'm a cashier, not a thief.

              - Look... - I don't want to do this anymore.


              ...what do you want? We have this argument all the time.

              Do you want to know what I want?

              I'll tell you.

              I want a lot of things. I'd like to have a house.

              We've talked about that.

              You want me to list them? I'd like to have kids.

              And I would like to go to Europe.

              Europe? What the fuck?

              - I'd like to see Italy. - Italy?! You're fucking Jewish.

              - What? - Get out.

              Look, honey, let me... .

              Don't touch me. Get out.

              - Help me understand what happened. - Don't talk.

              Is this one of those hormone things?

              Forget the beer and get in the car!

              It's just   cases.

              That won't last us till Sunday.

              - Where's my phone? - I put it in the box.

              In the box?

              - Did your mother take thalidomide? - When?

              Get in the car!

              Frankie's on the phone.

              Fitzie, come with me.

              With a French lmpressionist painting by Henri Matisse worth $  million.

              Thieves dumped their car a few miles from the mansion...

              ...then stole another car, leading police...

              ...on a high-speed car chase.

              High-speed car chase?!

              What are you, Burt Reynolds?!

              Yeah, well, what about the $  million...

              ...Mr. Liar?

              What the guy told me, I told you. I swear on my mother's eyes.

              Your mother's dead.

              The point is, we're gonna get more money.

              Just stay put. Where are you?

              I don't know, some house.

              Stolen art work, believed to be masterminded by thief Phill the Shill.

                 Beach Road.

              Got it.

              And Frank, if the FBI comes down on me... .

              The FBI won't come down on anybody. I mean, what do they have to go on?

              The only name that checks out is Beano Callahan.

              He's been arrested twice for fencing stolen goods. He's O'Brien's cousin.

              It can't be this easy.

              You give me a break.

              You want me to authorize expenses for another wild-goose chase?

              That man is dead. Can't you get it?

              I have information the fence is on the move.

              You must let me follow them.

              - You want to go back to a desk? - No, sir, I don't.

              You've got till   a.m., Monday morning.

              Where's my money, asshole?

              The    bucks!

              What do you mean?

              I work for these people. I know you're not supposed to be here.

              You took my money.

              If I don't get it back in   seconds, I'm calling the cops.

              One, two...


              Money's not in my hand.

              You blew it big time.

              Go ahead. Call the cops.

              See if I care.

              Got any I.D.?


              Driver's license.

              Come on.

              A kid on Seacliff Road says no one's supposed to be here.

              Which shower did Dale say wasn't...? I'm sorry.

              I'm sorry, ma'am.

              I'm so sorry.

              - Pardon me. - I didn't know.

              We had a report.

              No one told us.

              You know what? Jeez, that's Dale for you.

              Good morning.

              Hello, Herbert.

              I see you've met Roz. And... .


              Is there a problem?

              Intruders were reported.

              No, they're Dale Jr. 's friends.

              Have you caught that raccoon yet?

              We're working on it.

              Would you like to go sailing?

              We can't go sailing because...

              ...Roz hates boats.

              I don't hate boats. You do.

              I don't hate the boats.

              You okay?

              Shouldn't've eaten celery.

              Rain Man and Terminator  .

              Ever see Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

              It's great. Phoebe Cates is in it.

              - I need the phone. - I gotta go.

              What's up? You found the raccoon?

              What's the number Dale left me?

              In Chicago.

              - What's going on? - I don't know.

              Got a hunch, though.

              Just remind him he's overdue on Basic Instinct.

              Mr. Dale Rappaport.

              Ask him to call Sheriff Horn.

              He knows the number.

              Repeat: The car is a '  ...

              ...Chrysler Newport.

              Maroon with black top.

              Massachusetts licens: " - -  Tango   Foxtrot. "

              They've had it since last night. No sign of it yet?

              They ain't still driving that car. They'd be morons.

              Okay, morons, you want food? We got food. Here's food. Eat.


              I hope this place is clean.

              We don't care if it's clean.

              Breakfast special:   eggs, bacon, home fries, all for, $  .  .

              You better start cutting back.

              - Why? - You'll get a heart attack.

              What do you mean? No mayonnaise or butter. That's the secret to health.

              We ain't eaten in    hours. This is inhumane.

              I wanted eggs.

              That was a real pisser. Tomorrow let's get our gums scraped.

              Tonight, the dress... . How do we dress?

              You look great as you are.

              How about me?

              Why are you acting like that?

              He's trying to be very nice, and you throw attitude around.

              I like him. He's a gentleman.

              I think he's an asshole.

              I want my money.

              Jesus, who is this person?

              How did you do that?

              - Who was that? - Todd.

              - That is Todd. - And you want to have kids.

              Not like Todd, I don't.

              Kids today are on crack, I tell you.

              I don't want anybody stopping them. We need a clear path.

              You're not stopping them? Do you have any idea how much that car's worth?

              I know people!

              My husband's a lawyer.

              There better not be a scratch on it.

              Maybe we shouldn't go to this party.

              You know?

              Stay here and watch TV.

              I don't want to stay by myself.

              You know?

              You generally have a pretty good time on your own.

              You generally have a good time alone.

              Should I be worried?

              No, it's fine.

              This is more like it.

              This is worth a lot of money.

              It's fake fur. It's faux fur.

              You must come here and look at this stuff. Scary.

              Just wear a sweater and... .

              They're all one color.

              Did you try these?

              With money, you don't need taste.

              You'll see your underwear like that.

              Elton John left his glasses in my drawer.

              Elton John comes out. He's gay.

              So, they don't care if he's in a dress...

              ...or if he's naked.

              People go, "He's gay, it's fine. "

              It's a more open thing.

              You don't have to be gay to be open.

              I'm not saying...

              I'm open.

              - What? - I have openness.

              Open to what?

              You know, ideas, new experiences, things like that.

              - Just opening my mind to things. - We shouldn't go.


              Because you're opening yourself up for something, you know... .

              I don't understand you.

              I'm talking about personal, innermost... .

              Was there a thing on Oprah?

              All I'm saying is that A: Elton John does not wear dresses.

              B: You do not have to be a homosexual to have openness.

              And C... .

              What should I wear?

              C what? What is C?

              There is no C. I can't find anything to wear.

              Ready? What'd you decide to wear?

              You look great.

              And this is a very good look for you too.

              See, I was actually still sort of looking for stuff... .

              Why don't we stay...? Honey, honey.

              Liposuction, tummy tucks...

              ...tits, eyes, chin.

              Whole package, $       .

              You tell me. Do I look   ?

              What's going on?

              Feeling better? Glad you could come.

              We're just trying to work out what this is.

              It's by a local artist.

              Isn't it great?

              Looks like a raft to me.

              Don't touch it.

              It might fall apart.

              Can I get you anything?

              A cocktail?

              Pair of shoes?

              I'll have another martini...

              ...very dry. Please.

              When did you start on martinis?

              With or without an olive?

              I'll take a couple of olives.

              Do me a favor.

              Don't talk.

              Who're you trying to impress?


              What, Frank?


              Was he hitting on you on the boat?

              - You're drunk. Go home. - I'm not drunk.

              How many have you had?

              - Three. - Then you're drunk.

              - You're drunk. Go home. - I can drink   martinis.

              Do it and go.

              - Maybe I will. - Good.

              Evan bred that horse.

              - Looks great. - Great.

              You know Donald Trump?

              We were at his house   weeks ago.

              No, we weren't.

              She doesn't like Marla, so it's just me and Donald. He's great.

              He thinks you're an ass.

              - Says who? - Don Johnson.

              - Fuck them both. - Excuse us.

              Take it easy.

              Can we go home? I can't talk.

              This is a moment that you'll look back on and regret.

              - What? - You're embarrassing me.

              - I am not. - You are embarrassing me.

              Double olive.

              Jim and Marcy, meet Roz and Fred... .




              Excuse me.

              What do you do, Frank?

              You're looking at it, pal. I just party. That's me.

              As a matter of fact, last week I was out drinking with Tom Brokaw.

              Guy loves to drink. He can really... .


              Last summer, James and I went camping with Dan Rather.

              Well, Roz blew Peter Jennings. Top that.

              See you later.

              Rich, pretentious bastard. Could we just...?

              - Do me a favor. - What?

              I'll see if I can stay with Janice for a while.

              But Janice hates you.

              No, Frank, Janice hates you.

              You want to see Cats? We will.

              It's like talking to a cross-town bus with you.

              Want to know what the problem is?

              Here it is: I am    years old, you are   .

              We've spent   years together and accomplished nothing.

              We got no house, we got no kids, we got no money.

              As of today, we got no car.

              So, I'm wondering. What do you have planned for the next   years?

              I rest my case. All right?

              Hon, what're you doing?

              I'm waiting for a cab.

              What are you, painting?

              Why? Is there a law against it, Officer Porkavitch?

              What do you think? You just...

              ...wake up one day and start painting?

              You gotta go to school for this.

              What are you painting?

              I don't know.

              See? That's why people go to the class and... Where are you going?

              Evan invited me to go horseback riding. You're not invited.

              You've been getting way too much sun. You'll get one of them things.

              - What things? - Those things that...

              ...Reagan had in his ass.

              God, Frank, you are something else.

              Sorry. Sorry.



              Am I doing this right? I feel like I'm flopping all over the place.

              You are, a bit.

              Then what do I do? I must look good doing this.

              You look good to me.

              How do you feel?

              Come on!

              I feel pretty good!

              Here's your money!

              Too bad about your girl.

              Girls like Mr. Marsh a lot.

              What would you know?

              A lot, actually.

              Want to see?

              See what?

              Come on.

              I don't believe this.

              - These don't break down. - That's why they cost so much.

              - You must've done something wrong. - I did. I hired Frank.

              Ho-ho, what's this?

              - I must feed my fish. - Watch out for snakes.

              Oh, no, Beano, not the truck.

              I only left it a few minutes.

              - A few minutes too long. - It's not my fault!

              Who'd be stupid enough to steal a cement truck?

              I always wanted to ride in this.

              Move your legs, Fitzie.

              Watch my balls, fag.

              I'm just curious.

              Shut up!

              Let's get some tunes going.

              Damn. The radio's broken.

              I didn't go to college.

              Where I'm from, you don't really go to college.

              People from New Jersey do.

              But in the neighborhood that I'm from, you basically have kids.

              You get married, hang out in the neighborhood.

              You don't really go anywhere.

              How old are you?

              None of your business. You don't ask someone how old they are.

              You're the sexiest woman I ever met.

              You don't get out much.

              What are all these videotapes?

              They're surveillance videos of everyone on the island.

              I have people picking their nose, having affairs, farting.

              - I can blackmail people. - What's going on?

              This is Frank. He's staying at the Rappaports'.

              - Why're you here? - Here? In this room here?

              I'm doing his résumé.

              And how long were you at Burger King?

              Two years.

              - Two years. - I see.

              My nanny.

              There it is.

              Look at that tonsil-hockey going on.

              - When is this from? - Two summers ago.

              Lot of good it does me.

              Well, this is great.

              This is way too easy.

              Work out at the gym. Girls like muscles.

              It was on America Online. They like muscles and romantic dinners.

              You know, I'm   .

              Do you have friends your own age?

              I got plenty.

              Yeah? And where's your parents?

              My mother's in France.

              - And your father? - He's dead.

              - Sorry. - It's okay.

              Go eat your dinner.

              Eat all your spinach.

              Girls like guys with muscles.

              They also like romantic dinners, remember?

              Here I come, fishies.

              Nothing more romantic than catching your own.

              You can see them.

              Damn it. Shit!

              Fucking rocks.

              Here. Come here.


              Easy as pie. Come on, fishy.

              Come on, little fishy-fishy.

              Fuck you. I'll eat you in half an hour.


              Look at that.

              Oh, jeez.

              Yeah, pal?


              Hello? Hon?

              Got a little surprise for you.

              You don't know how to cook.

              Didn't know how to fish, either.

              Do you think this'll change anything?

              At least you won't be hungry.

              This stuff looks pretty good.

              Dig in.


    'd you learn to fish?

              ESPN. They got a fishing show.

              It's like a wrist thing. It's like a little whip.

              Must've been a bottom feeder.

              So how's the painting?

              Good. I think I'm finished.

              I think.

              - Well... . - What?

              - Can I see it? - No.

              Come on. Please.

              You really want to?

              Yeah, honey, I mean... .

              What do you think?

              It's unbelievable.

              Do you like it?

              You really painted this?

              - It's... . - I know, I really surprised myself.

              I'll bet.

              It's a boat, right?

              I like the...

              ...blues and the greens and... .

              It's very...


              That's not the point.

              The point is, how's it make you feel?

              Well, it...

              ...makes me feel like I wish it was...

              ...a little neater.

              This is my point of view. This is how I see it.

              If so, maybe you should get some...


              - Hon... - Excuse me.

              Sit down and eat. It was a joke.


              You are narrow-minded.

              You always see things the same way. So your life will never change.


              And you're a whole new person just because you...

              ...slapped paint on a piece of cloth?

              I want to try new things.

              At least I want to meet new people. At least... .

              All you ever do is, you go to Breens...

              ...and get drunk with Tommy O'Shannahan and gamble. That's it.

              Why don't we go out with my friends?

              You always do this.

              You start one argument and then in the middle you shift gear...

              We're talking about painting, then about your friends...


              It doesn't make sense.

              It makes perfect sense, Frank. It makes perfect sense to me.

              It does?


     think you can just change over night? Is that it?


              Because you can't. Okay?

              You think just because you take...

              ...a night course at some community college...

              ...that'll make you different. It doesn't.

              We're not like these people. They have things we'll never have.

              They have houses, boats, foreign cars.

              They got money in the bank, you know.

              They got privilege, connections.

              You're a cashier. I'm a thief.

              That's the way it'll always be.

              People like us, we don't even win the lottery.

              We're born in little houses and we die in little houses and...

              ...we must find happiness in between.

              Go ahead and die in your little house. I have bigger plans.

              Honey... .


              What I was trying to say... .

              I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming me.

              Because I knew that     years ago...

              ...what I wanted from life was different from you.

              But every time I tried to go, you'd do something great.

              I wouldn't know how to go and now it's made it harder.

              I can't anymore.

              What're you doing?

              Reading the Bible.

              The Bible?! Jesus Christ! Any big revelations?

              I haven't got to that yet.

              - Bring me a beer! - Gunga Din, get him a beer.

              - Don't touch me. - Get me one too.

              I'm sick of this.

              The money they're paying you, you should get hit by the pitch.

              When are we going home?

              I must feed my fish and my cat's sick and my mom is kind of missing me.

              Why're you here?

              You drove me here?

              Oh, my God!


              Because I promised your brother I'd keep you out of the joint.

              Tomorrow at  :   we'll meet at the fish plant...

              ...we'll get our money, go home Monday...

              ...and you can feed your fishies till their belly bursts.

              You scared me.

              Did you cook dinner?

              What happened?

              Didn't go too well.

              Put my big fat foot in my mouth again.

              Can you teach me to catch eggs?

              That was so cool. How about tomorrow?

              I can't.

              I have a big day tomorrow.

              Please?   minutes.

              - Sorry, I just... - It's okay.

              Shouldn't you be getting home?

              It's late.

              You sound like my mom.


              I'm starving.

              There's a headline.

              Want me to warm up the truck?

              Holy shit!

              It's a cop car.

              - We're dead. - Shut up.

              - You've been dead for years. - Shut up.

              When'll we eat?

              - No, don't! - No, Beano, not a cop car.

              I tell you, these cop cars are great.

              Never sat in the front before.

              Move around...

     a circle. That's it. Move around.

              I don't understand the point of this.

              Are we trying to bore him to death?

              No, you're exercising him.

              What is it?


              ...timing, I guess.

              You're with the same guy so many years, you know...

              ...kind of puts a wrench in the old thing there.

              And you know, I... .

              I'm leaving tonight and I got a job and... .

              - I'm a cashier. - I don't want you to go.

              You know what? I gotta go. I gotta go. I'll call you later.

              I'll call you later, all right, and we'll talk.


                Holy shit.

                Stop it. That's it, look.

                That's the painting.

                - So? - So, it's stolen.

                He's a lying art thief.

                I knew it.

                Wait a second. Where's my camera?

                This island's great. Fresh air and it's so quiet.

                We should get mopeds.

                That ferry made me queasy. I think I'm gonna puke.


                - Yes. - Go for it.

                Ice cream truck.

                O'Malley, FBI. Who's in charge?

                Hands above your head. Please.

                The sheriff's got your girlfriend.

                Hey, kid.

                Do me a favor?

                What you've done is very serious.

                Breaking and entering, trespassing.

                You probably stole from them too.

                - Excuse me. - You bet.

                He's upstairs.

                Here's the painting.

                Okay, so?

                So, it's stolen.

                Says so here. "Never recovered. "

                Stolen painting, his house... .

                Frank, I've seen a thousand...

                ...Mona Lisas and I never thought that they were stolen.

                Let's go.

                You all right?

                I'm fine. I fell myself. I can take care of myself.

                Pardon me, ma'am.

                Can you tell me where to find the fish plant?

                Yes, but it's been closed about    years now.

                We know that...

                ...but we have some business.

                What kind of business?

                We're delivering ice cream.

                It takes   of you to do that?

                It gets very heavy.

                I hope you're not lifting with your back. You're to bend your knees.

                That explains my disk. I've got this herniated disk.

                Will you two cut the shit and find out where the plant is?!

                Language, language.

                I've been trying to tell them.

                Do you really like this guy or is it...

                ...the money?

                I don't know. He talks to me. He just talks to me.

                He listens to me.

                He tells me how he feels. You never...

                ...ever talk to me, Frank.

                What do you mean?

                I don't feel important to you. I don't.

                How could you say that?

                I don't feel important. He makes me feel important. When I'm around him...

                ...I feel like, if I left, I would be important.

                Honey, I'm not the... I'm not...

                ...the kind of guy that...

                ...says a lot of stuff that...

                ...I feel, you know.

                Stop talking about the stuff I talk about. Talk about the stuff I do.

                Remember that time we broke up in '  ? Remember that?

                You agreed to do that.

                No, I know, I know, I thought it was... .


                That we'd get a break. McFadden moved in...

                ...and I thought it'd be a big party.

                And then, remember me and McFadden chipped in and got...

       seats behind the dugout?

                I know all this, all right?

                That's all you talked about the entire summer.

                It's one of the reasons we broke up.

                The tickets were $    .

                - That's all you talked about. - I didn't go.

                I gave the tickets to McFadden's cousin. I never went to the game.

                I never even ended up watching the games on TV.


                Why didn't you say you didn't go?

                Just fucking baseball.

                Come on.

                It smells delightful in here.

                Did you pick the place?

                No, this is the place he said to come to.

                What time is it?

                Ten after five.

                Who is it?

                You got the painting?

                I got it, scumbag.

                Don't bitch at me, pal.

                You jumped the gun and screwed us over!

                It's  :  . Where's the buyer?

                Keep your big mouth shut.

                Don't talk to her like that.

                Ex-girlfriend, thank you.

                Give it. I don't want to hurt you.

                Come on. Here. Give it to me!

                Give it back!

                It's a priceless masterpiece.

                Holy shit!

                - What was that? - It sounded like a gunshot.

                Should we go help Beano?

                Where's the painting?

                Don't tell me.

                - Someone's coming. - Must be the buyer.

                I'm blind.

                I'm gonna kill you!

                Frank, he locked the door.

                Get Frank to open it.

                He's good at that.

                Come on, move it.

                - It's raining. - So what?

                This is way too easy.

                Once again, I do not know this man.

                I do not know nothing about no stolen painting.

                I am a businessman from Boston here on vacation...

                ...on this beautiful island.

                Put him in the cell.

                I want a lawyer. I want to make a phone call!

                Take it easy with him.

                Bring the woman out.

                You may, if you wish, have legal counsel present...

                ...but if you answer my questions...

                - She doesn't know anything. - Shut up.

                Your cooperation will be noted. Blah, blah, blah.

                Now, what'd you do with that painting?

                You can make this easy on yourself.

                Where's the painting?


                Why were you at the plant?

                - She knows nothing - Shut up, goddamn it!

                Sweetheart... .

                I've seen guys like this all my life.

                They're all heading to the same place.

                Spending his life pulling these nickel- and-dime jobs, waiting for the big day.

                This is it.

                The big score.

                Welcome to easy street.

                Listen to me...

       can piss your life away on a loser like this...

                ...or you can do the right thing.

                What do you say?

                What are you gonna do?

                I did it.

                I stole the painting.

                Roz had nothing to do with it.

                She's too smart.

                She tried to talk me out of it, but I wouldn't listen.

                I stole the painting and...

                ...set up meeting the buyer and then...

                ...buyer ripped us off at the fish plant.

                You blabbermouth!

                That's good. But I still don't have the painting or the buyer.

                She walks.

                I'll get the painting and the buyer.

                This is really bad.

                Why don't we do, like a jailbreak?

                You know, like in cowboy movies?

                We could get a rope...

                ...then tie it up to the bars and pull out and Beano could climb out.

                Did your parents hold you underwater a lot when you were a baby?

                Do you have a better idea?

                You know...

                ...I've had about enough! Enough of you!

                Enough of your disgusting habits!

                - I ask you not to curse, you curse. - Fuck you.

                I ask you not to smoke, you smoke.

                I ask you not to pass gas and all you do is... .

                I got a gastrotestical intestinal disease, man!

                The question is:

                What would Beano do?

                He'd be thinking of his own ass...

                ...and getting out of here as soon as he could.

                This is ridiculous.

                Mr. Marsh is one of our most respected citizens. You can't just barge in.

                I'll do whatever I want. I'm the FBI. Just take me to the door and shut up.

                Your call: Princess Caraboo or Gremlins.


                Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Marsh.

                Agent O'Malley, FBI.

                We're investigating the theft of a painting in Rhode Island.

                Could you let us in? We can look around your house.

                Where do I fit into all of this?

                You don't. We'd just like to eliminate any likely possibility.

                It's not there. It was right there. I saw it on the videotape.

                - Right. - It's gotta be here.

                I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm taking you in.

                Frank, come on, man! Frank!

                What are you doing?

                You're not getting away. There's no way out.

                Shit, it's not in there.

                I'm not trying to get away. I'm looking, okay?


                They're all here.

                If I missed my guess...

                ...a Matisse... .



                Well, yes.

                What'd you expect?

                Would you leave now?

                Nice plastering job, nimrod.

                These are real.

                Congratulations, you did it.

                You're something else, honey.


                I need you now.

                Get here now or I get another lawyer.

                I'm getting another lawyer.

                Roz, I can get out of this.

                You are amazing. You are an amazing piece of garbage.

                You are. You're worse than Beano and McFadden and all those guys.

                They might be liars and deadbeats and scumbags...

                ...but they don't pretend to be anything.

                - Your problem is... - What?

                A lot of girls want to fuck their way into all this...

                ...but I liked you, a little.

                But you don't know what you want. So you're stuck with that moron.

                Excuse me?

                What's his name?

                His name is Frank!

                Why can't people remember that name?

                What'd you hit him with?

                Right hook.

                How propitious.

                I had a hunch once.

                A guy robbed a museum then faked his own death.

                No suspects...


                The paintings never turned up.

                Put Phil The Shill in the car.

                Come on, loser.

                Sheriff, uncuff them.

                You're kidding.

                We're letting them go.

                I should put you on the payroll.

                Here's the deal:

                Make a statement and testify in court, and we'll drop all charges.

                Here's my card.

                 :   tomorrow morning...


                We'll be there.

                That means we must get up at  . How's   ?

                Call me when you pull a job. The way you work, you may as well wear a badge.

                I think you'd make a very handsome cop.


                The key to catching eggs...

       soft hands. That's all you must remember.

                Soft hands.

                You know Jerry Rice who plays for the   ers?

                You know how he catches?

                Even on a bullet pass? Nice, soft hands. Remember that.

                Let it drop. Ready? Okay.

                - Got it. - Not bad.

                Now, underhanded.

                Nice high one.

                It's harder.

                - You coming back? - Keep working on it.

                Coming back?

                I don't think so, but who knows?

                Maybe you could visit us in Boston.

                That'd be great.

                So I was thinking that tomorrow morning...

                ...after we do this FBI stuff...

                ...we could go down to your sister's place.

                Make a weekend out of it.

                Little sun, little surf.


                Do you love me?

                Of course.

                Then raise your right hand.

                - What do you mean? - Just do it.

                Like this?

                Like that. Thank you.

                Repeat after me:

                I, Francis Michael O'Brien...

                I, Frank O'Brien... .


                ...that I will get a job...

       taxes and settle down like normal people.

                - What kind of job? - Bye-bye.

                I swear I will get a job.

                I promise.

                - And quit smoking? - I quit smoking.

                I will... .

                I can't hear you.

                I swear I will quit smoking.

                On your mother's eyes?

                I swear on my mother's eyes...

                ...that I will do...

                ...all the things you just asked me to do.



                I can't see.

                You don't need to see. Just kiss.

                Feel your way to the bay.


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