Up In Smoke Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Up In Smoke script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Cheech And Chong movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Up In Smoke. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Up In Smoke Script








(Television Playing)






Put me down!




Say, uh, Daisy Lou,



would you like to hear

a tune?



Eh, cousin...



(Piano Playing)



Oh, Blackie!



You're wonderful!




I'll talk to him.



Son, your mother and me

would like for you



to cozy up

to the Finkelstein boy.



He's a bright kid,

and, uh...



he's going to

military school, and--



remember, he was

an Eagle Scout.






Will you shut up?



We're not going to have

a family brawl!



...and a retard.



We've put up with

a hell of a lot.



(Starts Blender)



Can this wait?



Build your goddamn

muscles, huh?



You know, you could build your

muscles picking strawberries.



You know,

bend and scoop...



like the Mexicans.



Shit, maybe I could

get you a job



with United Fruit.



I got a buddy

with United Fruit.



Get you started.




with strawberries,



you might work your way up

to these goddamn bananas!



When, boy?



When...are you going to get

your act together?









Oh, good God

Almighty me.



I think he's

the Antichrist.



Anthony, I want

to talk to you.



Now, listen!



Don't walk away from me

when I'm talking to you!



You get a goddamn job

before sundown,



or we're shipping you off

to military school



with that goddamn

Finkelstein shit kid!



Son of a bitch!



Up in smoke



That's where my money goes



In my lungs



Sometimes up my nose



(Yelling In Japanese)



When troubled times



Begin to bother me



I take a toke



And all my cares

go up in smoke



Buenos dias, Pedro.



(Speaking Spanish)



All my things

in the lowrider



The lowrider

is a little higher



Lowrider drives

a little slower



Lowrider is a real goer







knows every street, yeah




is the one to meet, yeah



Lowrider don't use

no gas, now




don't drive too fast



Take a little trip



Take a little trip...






So fine



My baby's so doggone fine



I do it to her

nearly all of the time



So fine



And I know she loves me so









Could this be magic?



Ooohhhhh, yeah









La haaaaaa



Ah ha



Uh, you girls

need a ride?



- No!

- No!



You sure?

I'm going that way.






Later for you,

little jailbaits.



Oh, what's that?



She's hitchhiking!






Watch out!

Coming over!






(Horns Honking)



Hey! Double bubble!



Come on, baby!

I'll give you a ride!



Yeah, bend over.

I'll drive you home.



Hey, you ain't a chick!



Yeah, I know.



That's the only way

I can get anybody to stop.



Hey, that's false

advertising, man.



I know, but listen,



I slept in a ditch

last night, man.



I almost froze

my balls off.



I didn't think

you had any.



Wow! Hey, I really

like your car, man.



Oh, you do?



Wow! Did you do this




Yeah, I customized

it myself.




Looks fantastic, man.



Yeah, I guess

it does, man.



I'll give you a ride.

Come on, let's go.



I gotta get

my stuff.



Hurry up.

I got a lot to do.






Okay, let's go.



In just a minute, man.



I got a few more things

I gotta get, okay?



I'll be right back.



Hurry up, man.



What are you

going to do,



move in, man?



(Police Radio)






(Tires Screeching)



Into first gear...



Here we go!

Hey, hey!



Second gear! Hey!



Third gear!



Here we goooo!



Ha ha ha!






Hey, man, how far

you going, man?



Right here

would be fine, man.



You ain't scared of a little speed,

are you, man?



Oh, you got some speed,




Huh? No, I don't got

no speed, man.



You know what I do

got, though, man?



I got a joint, man.



Oh, wow.

All right.



Come on,

light it up.



Let's get

Chinese eyes, man.



What kind of joint

is this, man?



It's a heavy-duty

joint, man.



It looks like

a toothpick, man.



No, it's not

a toothpick, man.



It is a toothpick,




No, man,

it's just...



It is a toothpick.



I must've got it in

the other pocket, man.



Hold on.

I got the bullshit right here, man.



Oh, that's my dick.



Yeah, there we go.



There you go, man.



Light that

sucker up, man.



We'll go to the moon.



Jeez, I hope your dick's

bigger than this, man.



Hey, man, you want

to get out and walk?



Hey, you want

to get high, man?



Does Howdy Doody got

wooden balls, man?



I got a joint here

I've been saving



for a special occasion.



Fire it up.



I hope the drums

don't mess up



your upholstery, man.



I'm in a band,

too, man.



I'm a lead singer,




That's hip,




We play everything from Santana

to El Chicano, man.



Hey, I'm just a love machine



And I don't work

for nobody but you



I'm just a love machine



And I don't work

for nobody but you



Woman, my temperature rise



And then I go

for her thighs



And then I say...



(Singing In Spanish)



(Speaking In Spanish)



Is that a joint, man?



That there looks like

a quarter pounder, man.



There's a plane.



Hey, be careful

with that shit, man.



What, is it

heavy stuff, man?



Will it blow me away?



You better put

your seat belt on, man.



I'll tell you that much.



I been smoking since

I was born, man.



I can smoke

anything, man.



I smoke

that Michoacan, man,



Acapulco Gold, man.



I even smoke that tied stick,

you know?



Tied stick?



That stuff that's

tied to a stick.



Oh, Thai stick.



That didn't even

do nothing to me.



I could probably

smoke this whole joint



and still

walk away, man.



It wouldn't be

no problem at all, man.



Toke. Toke it out,







Kind of grabs you

by the boo-boo, don't it?



Hey, man...












Hey, what's in

this shit, man?



Mostly Maui-wowie,







But it's got

some Labrador in it.



What's Labrador?



It's dog shit.






Yeah, my dog ate

my stash, man.



Had it on the table,



and the little

motherfucker ate it, man.






I had to follow him around

with a little baggie



for three days

before I got it back.



Really blew

the dog's mind.



You mean we're smoking

dog shit, man?



Gets you high,

don't it?







And a-singin'his song



All the little birds

on Jaybird Street



Love to hear the robin

go tweet, tweet, tweet






Tweet, tweet, tweet



Rock, rock,







I think it's even

better than before, you know?



I wonder what Great Dane

tastes like, man.



Ah, man.



That's some

heavy shit, man.






Hey, man...



am I driving okay?



I think

we're parked, man.



I think

we're parked, man.



Oh, shit.



Goddamn, what was

in that shit, man?



I never had no dope

like that in my life.



I smoked a lot

of shit before, man,



but goddamn, man,

that's heavy shit.



You okay?



I can't breathe.



What's the matter?



I can't breathe,




Well, just...



Well, here.



Here, I got something

that will mellow you out, man.



You're just

freaking out.



I never smoked no shit

like that before.



Take these, man.



This will

mellow you out, man.



What is this, man?



Just take them.



Hey, don't take

those, man.






I almost gave you

the wrong shit, man.



I already took them,




Ho ho ho ho!



What do you mean

ho ho ho ho?



Wow, man!



What was that shit,




You just ate

the most acid



I've ever seen

anybody eat in my life.



I never had

no acid before, man.



I hope you're not busy

for about a month.



Shit, I'm going

to die, man.



That stuff's going

to make me die, man.



No, that's

good acid, man.



It's going to make

me freak out, man.



I've seen those guys

that had too many acid.



Their heads look like

a pumpkin, man.



Relax, man.



Hey, mellow out, man!



Now just go, ommmmm...






Do it, man.












Oh, shit.


















You better now, man?






You mellow?






You feel all right,










What are you doing,




Sometimes that helps,




Can we get off

this street, man?



We're parked

in a bad spot.



That's heavy, man.



The cops

just went by, man.



They're right there.



We're being

pulled over, man.



That's heavy, man.






They're coming, man!



Ha ha ha!



This is cool, man!



I never had it before.



I didn't think it was going

to be like this, man.



Ha ha ha!




the problem, son?



Ha ha ha!






Roll down

your window.



(Knocking On Window)



Keep on knocking,

but you can't come in



Don't, man.

It's the cops.



Ha ha ha!



Wait, I gotta roll down

the window, man.



Weigh the anchor!



How much does it weigh?



I don't know.

I forgot.



You forgot?



I saw that

on a movie once.



Can I see

your license, sir?






Your license.

Where's your license?



It's on the bumper.

Back there, man.



No. I mean your

driver's license.



Oh. Oh, yeah!



Yeah, I got

my driver's license, man.



Hee hee hee!



I just thought of

something real funny, man.



Here's your mama.



Ha ha ha!



Sir, what is

your name?






What's your name?



Isn't it on there

on the license, man?



Yeah, that's it.

Pedro de Pacas.



Just wait here

a minute, huh?



Hey, hurry back!



I miss you already,




I gotta get rid

of this dope, man.



Don't act the fool.



Oh, okay.



We're gonna

get busted.



Hee hee hee!



I'm blind!



Oh, shit!

I'm blind!






Ha ha ha!



Hey, hey...



I can see clearly now,

the rain...



Hee hee hee!



Hey, how long does

this shit last, man?



And what is

your name, sir?



You scared me, man.



I told you my name.



Sir, what's

your name?






The dude wants to know

your name, man.






Uh, his name is

Raaalph, man.



I was sitting in

the coffee shop



Just minding my own affair



When all of a sudden



This policeman

caught me unaware, man



He said,

''Is your name Pedro?''



I says,

''Uh, yeah, I guess so''



He said, ''Then come with me''



'''Cause you're the man

we've been looking for''



I said, ''Hey, man,

I've been framed!''



''Hey, no, really, man,

I was framed!''



''Aw, I never

do nothin' wrong, man''



''But every time,

I get the blame''



''I been framed!''



They put me in the line-up



And let

the bright lights shine



There was

    poor dudes like me



Standing in that line



I knew I was a victim

of somebody's evil plan



When this

scroungy-looking dude



Came up and said,

''Yeah, that's him, man''



Hey, wait a minute, man,

I've been framed, man!



Oh, listen to me,Judge,

I was framed!



I never do nothin' wrong



Oh, but every time,

I get the blame



Hey, I've been framed!



You boys are in

a lot of trouble.



That dude gave me the first,

second, and third degree



He said, ''Where were you

on the night of July   ?''



I said, ''Man,

I was home in bed''



He said,

''Judge, that man's lying''



I said, ''Wait a minute, man,

I was framed, man!''



Hey, don't do this to me,

man, really



Because I think

I've been framed, man!



I never do nothin' wrong



Aw, but every time,

I get the blame



Aw, I was framed!



Fucking vodka, man!






Oh, shit.



Hey, I'm down here.



I didn't see you.



You can sleep in that bedroom

right there, man.



Oh, okay.



Yeah, it's cool there.



Check you

in the morning.



Listen, where's

the bathroom?



It's right there.

See that door?



See you tomorrow.



We got rehearsal.






Listen, if you hear some noise

in the bedroom,



it's just me

and my old lady.



Next tune you hear will be

dueling bedsprings.



Check you

in the morning.



(Drums Playing)



(Man) Amigos, presenting

y'all's new uniforms.



All right!



Lookit here!



Check it out!



Hey, man, I can't

wear this stuff, man.



This is terrible, man.



Look, it don't even fit.



No, baby, you clean

as Skeeter's peter.



You just don't understand

the new style.



It's too short, man.



We'll just make a few minor

adjustments, homes.



Hold it, man.



I can't wear this.



Aw, Curtis, man!



My man!



Look at

these uniforms!



Didn't I put them

in the pocket?



Didn't I put them

in the pocket?



These are

outta sight!



I hope mine is

as bad as this!



You see the new cuts

on them?



All we need is rhinestones

and pointed shoes!



Hey, these uniforms

are lame, man.



What you mean lame,




Pedro, where's

the white dude



you said was

playing drums?



That's him, man.



That's James,

the bass player, man.



What's happening?



Seriously, man,

these look like waiter uniforms.



- You don't like them, man?

- No.



I'll be in the kitchen.



He's right, man.

These are lame.



This is the new cut.

Y'all be bad.



If we're going

to wear uniforms, man,



let's everybody wear

something different.



Yeah, that's it.



Everybody wears

something different



but the same, you know?



I gotta get

out of this stuff.






Get us something else,





this is Curtis, baby.



Yeah, I know Curtis,




I'm on top of it.

Rest easy.



Curtis is

on the case.



Hurry up, man.

We gotta go score a lid.



(Starts Car)



(Radio) ...and we'd like

to rock-'n'- roll



and play some great music.



I have a song by

the Search Boys.



The Search Boys are going

to go searching.



Don't ask me what they're

going to go searching for,



but they're gonna go searching.



So, let's do it.



I searching



I searching



I searching

every which a-way



I searching, brother



I searching



I'm a-searching

every which-away-ay-ay



But I'd like to go

to the mountain



You know I dream

these things someday



Oh, hear what I say



I hear what you say



Where the Kona Gold

or Maui-wowie



We sold each other and need



We need...



(Pedro) I can't believe we can't

find no grass nowhere, man.



(Man Stoner)

Too many people are smoking it now.



It really makes it tough

on the rest of us.






The prices have

gone crazy, man.



Some people pay

     bucks a lid, man.






Who lives here, man?




my cousin Strawberry.



He's probably got

some dope.



He's always got

the best smoke.



I hope so, man.



Yeah, well, he's cool.



He's a little weird.



He went over

to Vietnam, man,



and he came back

all weirded out, you know.



That Nam grass

will do it to you, man.



That stuff will

lay you out, man.



That's what lost the war.



Whatever you do,

don't say nothing



about his birthmark,

because he flips out.



I ain't going to talk about

nobody's birthmark.



Don't look at it,




Come on.



You sure it's

a birthmark, man?



Sometimes that Nam grass

will do weird things



to your face, too,

you know.



(Knock Knock)



Who is it?



It's me--Pedro, man.



Pedro's not here.



No, I'm Pedro, man.

Open up.



What's the matter, man?



Somebody's messing

around, man.



Come on.

It's open, man.



Hey, Strawberry!



Strawberry's not here.






Hey, it's a bird.



A bird is

answering the door.



Aw, wow!



What a trip.



Hey, fella.



Hey, Strawberry?



Wanna get high?

Wanna get high?



Must've had

a party here, man.



Wanna get high?



Wanna get high?

Wanna get high?



Hey, want something

to eat, man?



They got some pizza.









(Record Skipping)



Hey, Strawberry?






Oh, Strawberry.



Hey, what's

happening, man?



How you doing?




Starbuck! Starbuck!






Yeah, yeah, right.

Pedro, man.



This is my friend...









(Man Stoner)

Hey, how you doing, man?



I'm doing, friend.



Um, oh, yeah!



Well, we were stopping by



to see if we could score

some smoke, man.



Nobody's got none,

you know?



So, like,

we was wondering



if we could score

some smoke from you.




You want some smoke?



I'll get you

some smoke, man.



All right. Yeah.



I told you we could

score some from him.



What you looking at,




Oh, nothing!



I wasn't looking.

I was just...



I wasn't looking

at his neck, man.



Your friend

better stay here.



We're going to go see

some people of mine,



and they don't like

strange dudes.



They don't fuck around.



- Well, I'll stay here.

- Yeah.



Ah, look at that, man.

The great outdoors, huh?



Yeah, great outdoors.






Ah! El roacho.









God, it sure looks real.






Who are you?



Hey, how you doing?



I spilled--

I made a mess.



I was just trying...



Oh, where have you been

all my life?



- We just come in...

- If you don't mind...



It's not really...










I don't believe it.



(Making Duck Noises)






(Making Elephant Noises)



Ha ha ha!



Oh, is that great?



What a rush, huh?

What's that stuff like?



Good shit.



The freak

with the top hat



is leaving

with the basketball.



Cover the freak.



He's covered.



Have the rest of the men

stand by.



Stand by.



I think we're onto something

really big, Harry.



This could be the bust

we've been waiting for.



Right, Sarge.



Zipping up.



(Whistle Blows)



(Strawberry Imagines




(Imagines Gunfire)












Get me up past

that last hutch



and jettison me

into the paddies.



What are you

talking about paddies?



Ain't no paddies,

just Chicanos, man.



What are you

talking about?



Strike that

line chatter, grunt.



If you'd deploy

a little recon,



you'd see that Charlie

has us surrounded.




Oh, man. It's a cop.




they're around your pad, man.



They're gonna

bust your pad!



Hey, Strawberry!



Are you flipped out

on one of your Vietnam trips?



Hold on

to your thing, man.



You take the point.

I'll take the rear.



If you need air,

call it in!



Where you going?



Hey, Strawberry!



Oh, shit!






Fuck, man.









(Music Playing)



(Telephone Ringing)




I better get that.



Hurry up.












Man, don't answer the phone

even if it's me calling.



Man, I think it's bugged.






Yeah, this is Pedro.

I mean, no--



Look, the house

is being raided.



Get out of the house.



Hey, Sarge.

Listen to this.



Did you get the weed?



Hey, man, opcays.

you hear, man?



Get outsky, man.



Igpays. Igpays.




Sounds very Latin.



Could be the Mexican connection.

Better get this down.



(Man Stoner)

Did you get the dope?



Hurry back, man.

There's some joints around here.



Hey, there's coke

and everything, man.



Pedro, the place

is full of joints.



Come on back, man.



This could be it,




(Chambers Pistol Round)



Pass the word




Tell the men



it's time to

shoot the moon.



Shoot the moon!



No, you idiot!

Not out there!



On the microphone!

On the microphone.



Shoot the moon.

Shoot the moon.



Hello? Can't hear you, man.

Just a minute.






Hey, Pedro?

We get cut off?



We really did get cut off.



(Rattles Door)



(Clicking Receiver)



Hey. Hey. Hello?



Shit, man. How am I going to

get him out of there?



Hey! Hey!



All right! Freeze!

This is a bust!



The party's over, folks.

You, out.



You, freak there

with the red coat--no, no.



Don't swallow the dope.

We know you're holding.



Just how well do you know

that freak with the basketball?



Which basketball?




get a load of these two.




What's her problem?




Can't you see she's sick?



She's sick, all right.



It's turning





That's high-grade stuff.



Could be Peruvian flake.



That's right.

Keep laughing, miss.



Just keep on laughing,



but this is not

a laughing matter.



This is serious!



This stuff

destroys your mind!



Can't you see she's sick?

She's been through a lot.



She's all fucked up.



You watch

your language, miss.



Harry, remember to get

a lab sample of this stuff.



You have the right

to remain silent.



If you refuse that right,



anything you say

may be used against you.



Have you got

the book?



No, sir.



Used against you in a...

in a court of law.



Read the book!



Thank you.






You have the right

to remain silent.



If you

give that right up....



What's going on here?

Hey, who are you?



We're from

the finance company.



We came to reprocess

the furniture, man.






Yeah. We gave them

a lot of chances to pay up,



but they didn't

pay up.



Boss says

it's got to go, man.



I'm just

doing my job.



All right! Everybody out!

Move everybody out!



That means you,




What the hell

are you doing, Murphy?



All of you, come on.

Let's go. Get out.






- It's locked, man.

- Oh, yeah.



Let go.



Let go, man.



What's going on, man?



It's a bust.



We got to figure out some way

to get you out of here. Shit.



(Bird) All right, freeze.

This is a bust. Strawberry.



Ha ha ha ha!



Single file.



I wasn't looking

at his neck.



I wasn't looking--






No, man.

The town's dry.



There ain't no dope

nowhere, man.



I got to pee.



Hey, Pedro.



Hey, Pedro, my man.



What's happening,




What's going on?



How you doing, man?



Oh, I don't know.

Hey, this your ride?









I got it off

my cousin Johnny.



This is your--



I mean, this bad

low machine is yours?






Oh, Pedro.

You got a taste of soul.



And style, too.



Yeah, I hear you.



You know

what you need



to go with

this bad ride?



A chick?



No, baby.

Check these out.






Genuine diamonds,




Those ain't

for-real diamonds, man.



What you--Hey, man!

Check this out. Step back.



Ain't for real?

Check this.






What are you doing?

You scratched my window.



You know, it's cool.

It's cool.



You know

what I do need?



We been looking

for some smoke.



You got some?



Hey, man, I got some weed

straight from Turkey.



It's what

set them Arabs off.



Arabs from Turkey?



Yeah, man.

They was from Turkey.



This stuff will put a hump

in a camel's back.



No shit?



I wouldn't shit you, baby.

This is some bad weed.



You got it

on you?



It'll boogie-woogie

on your brain.



All right.



Just 'cause we tight,



I'm going to let you have it

for a double dime.



(Fly Buzzing)



(Man Stoner)

Man, this shit ain't shit, man.







We smoked this whole lid,



and I haven't even

got a buzz yet, man.



You mean

we ain't high?



I ain't high.

I'll tell you that, man.



I don't feel nothin',




Boys, my man Curtis

sure came through for us,



didn't he, man?



I'm annihilated,

you know?



Dame una galleta.






Get me a cookie.




don't beg me, man.



Go in the kitchen.



You must get high

on lawn clippings,Jack,



'cause this ain't grass.



I'm telling you that.



Aw, you guys

is tripping, man.




is our partner, man.



He came through

for us.



If he sold you that,

I wouldn't--



Hey. Hey, man, hide.

Hide, man. It's a bust.



Freeze, you chili-chokin'

pepper belly.



Let's prowl the rooms.



I'll check the rooms

on the left.



What you got in here,




Hey, man.

Get the seeds.



Who is it, man?



It's a bust, man.

Get the seeds.









Why, man? They can't

bust you for seeds.



Then just

hide your face.



We ain't done




It's a bust, man.



We're clean.

There's no weed.






What's going on?



Oh, man.

It's just the migra.






Oh, I forgot.







They're looking

for illegal aliens.



I forgot

it's the wedding.



The wedding?






So, who are these guys?



They're the immigration.

You know, the migra.



They're going to

deport these dudes.



Deport them?




See, my cousin



is getting married

down at TJ, man,



so he calls the immigration

on himself.



But why?



So he can get

a free ride, man.



They take the whole

wedding party,



plus they even

get fed lunch, man.



So we're cool?



Yeah. We got nothin'

to worry about, man,



unless you don't got

a green card.






Hello, Uncle Chuey.

This is Pedro.



Hey, man, we got deported.

We're in Tijuana right now.



We need a way to get back.



You got anything

needs to be picked up here?



Oh, yeah?



Yeah. Yeah. Oh--

Hold on.



No. No. Gracias.



Okay, what's the address?



  - -  -  .






Hey, toro.



Hey. Hey, man.

We got a ride.



Far out, man.



My Uncle Chuey's

got a van



we gotta smuggle

across the border.



What are we




Upholstery, man.



He's got an upholstery shop

in Beverly Hills,



but he gets cheaper work

done here, man.



(Sergeant Stedenko)

The smuggling of marijuana



from Mexico

into the United States



has reached

a dangerous high.



The methods have become

unbelievably devious,



and these seeds



may sow the destruction

of the human race.



Gentlemen, I don't think

we need to comment



on the seriousness

of the situation.



Harry, will you cool that?

Stop that, Harry.




we are on the threshold



of copping one of the largest

shipments of marijuana



ever to cross the Mexican border

into the United States.



The question is,



how are they going to

transport it across the border?



- By boat.

- Carrier pigeon.









Plaster casts.



Long trucks.

Long trucks.



Let me show you.



Inside TV sets.



No, Harry. No, no, no.

Not inside TV sets.



The TV set itself

is the marijuana--



the tube, the picture,

the aerial, the whole works.



How can you make a TV set

out of marijuana?



That's a good question, Harry.

I'll show you.



Now, the weed

is separated from seed.



The weed is then transformed

into liquid.



The liquid is then acted upon



by a chemical

which makes it hard



like a plastic.



The plastic is then

transformed into a spray.



This spray, gentlemen,

is called fiberweed,



and it's pure marijuana.



Thanks to the efforts

of our undercover man



inside the dope factory,



we have some

very interesting facts.



That is quite a quantity

of marijuana, gentlemen.



It is not a lid

or kilo or gram.



How much do you think

is here?



A million







A shit-load.






We do know that

the dope factory's disguised



as an upholstery warehouse.



Hey, this is

the street, man. Come on.



How can you

eat this stuff?



I love them.

Don't you like these?



I told you not to

buy it, Man. God.



What did you

do that for, man?



I would have ate it.



A dog could be

in that stuff.



You got

the address?



Good dog, man.






Son of a...



  - -  --



Is that   or   ?

Ah, it's  . Come on.



Let's go check

this place out.



Hey, we're here

to pick up the van, man.







We're here to pick up the van.



Have a seat.



The boss will be

right back.



Okay, the boss

will be right back, man.



Those burritos, man.



Hey, man,

where's the bathroom?




in the back.



Yeah. Thanks.



Come on, cheeks.

Come on. Tighten up.



(Machines Make

Farting Sounds)



Come on, cheeks.

Stay together.



Let's stay together.



(Loud Machinery Noise)



Come on, cheeks.

Stay together. Oh.






Oh, God.

I hope that was a fart.



Oh, shit. Ah...



excuse me, sir.



(Machinery Noise)







the toilet?



Over there.



Hey, excuse me.

Where's the toilet?



Oh, thank you very much.



Oh, shit.



Oh, I'm sorry, man.



(Muffled Voice)



Man, did you eat

one of them burritos, too, man?



Supposed to be eating



a little bit

of ice cream with it.



Come on, ice cream!



Even though we do not know

what we are looking for,



we do know the approximate value

of the weed itself.



Gentlemen, I would like

to hear your opinions.



A million?



The television set alone

is worth close to a million.



- A billion dollars.

- Now we're getting somewhere.



I'm freezing

at     million.



- Sarge, I think it's four billion.

- You're all wrong.



Nine billion big ones, boys.



And you know

what that means.



The better the bust...



- the bigger the boost.

- the bigger the boost.






Well, I guess

that about wraps it up.



Any questions?



(Flies Buzzing)



(Pedro) Where'd you learn how

to roll them big joints, man?



You like that, man?



Whoa. They're heavy.



I used to be a roadie

for the Doobie Brothers.



What a groovy gig.



Yeah. That's how I learned

to play drums.



Oh, yeah?




on the drums.



Hey, I dig Mexico,




I'd like to

come back here




we got more time.



Are we at

the border already?



Looks that way, man.



Shit. Hey, man,

get rid of the stuff.



Oh, yeah.



Better get rid

of this shit.



(Inhales Deeply)



Man, put it down.

Get rid of it.



We're at the border,







Oh, lookit.






Hey, get rid of it!

Not that way, man.



Throw it out!



Throw it out.






This is Toyota Kawasaki



here at the Mexican-

United States border



where a huge task force

of narcotic and customs agents



is preparing a surprise welcome

for a vehicle



which they

say is constructed



entirely of

high-grade marijuana.



Don't make that face,




You make me laugh.



Okay, just let me

do all the talking.



Good afternoon,




Good afternoon,




How long have you

been in Mexico?



Okay, just be cool.



How long have you guys

been in Mexico?



A week--

I mean, a day.



Which one is it,



a week or a day?



A weekday.



You got

any narcotics



or marijuana

in here?






Uh, not anymore.



You guys better step out

of that van.



Aah! I'm on fire!



Oh, Sister

is on fire!



(Dog Barking)



Hey, this looks

like a bust.



Get Stedenko on the phone.

This may be it.



Hey, come on.

What have we got here, Sister?



Hey, they're busting

nuns, man.




That's cold-blooded.



Hey, let's watch.



Okay, up against the wall.

All of you.



Spread them.



Let's get up

against the wall.




Sergeant Stedenko,



exactly what

are you looking for?



Dope, drugs,

weed, grass,



toot, smack,




uppers, downers,




You name it,

we want it.



And how important

is it to you



to apprehend

the suspects?



Critical-- The buying and selling

of dope in this country



may be the last vestige

of free enterprise left.



There's rumor,




that the suspects

might be armed and dangerous.



Do you expect

to see any violence here today?



I certainly

hope so.



Sergeant, have you yourself

smoked marijuana?



Only once.



Hey, look,

we're on TV, man.



Sergeant, telephone.



Hi, Mom.



This could be it.



(Man Stoner)

Why are there so many cops?



Let's find out.



Listen, I got to

go pee first.



Okay, don't go

scuba diving.



So it was a station wagon,

huh, Harry?



Very devious.



And they almost

look like real nuns,



don't they, Harry?



Down to

the stockings.



Very clever.

Very clever.



Not bad.



You ought to be ashamed

of yourself,



you know that?



Reminds me of a funny story

my dad told me.



The only kind of meat



a priest could eat

on Friday was nun.






Harry, get a sample

of that car.



Yes, Sergeant.






Start the interrogation,




I'll be right back.









Hey, what's going on

out there, man?



Huh? Excuse me.

What's going on out there?



Don't worry about it, buddy.

It's nothing.



Just some people doing

what they're not supposed to do.



Son of a bitch.

Look at the--



Some asshole

pissed on my leg!



Listen, our agent

just phoned from Mexico.



It's not a bunch of nuns

in a station wagon.



It's two hippies

in a green van.



Must be

some heavy shit.



Let's go!

Come on!



Get that

siren up!



Where would these

two creeps hang out?



Where do hippies

hang out today?



Sunset Strip--

That's where they hang out.



Yeah, we could

try there.



If they're not there,



we could go up

to San Francisco.



Imagine the field day



those two creeps

are gonna have



when they find out

that van is made of grass.










I don't believe it. I really don't.



You guys

are supreme idiots.



How could you let

a big green van



slip right through

your fingers?



Spend one week

at the border,



and what do we

end up with?




a bevy of nuns,



a guy

pisses on my leg,



and I lose my special canine

sentry dog--



Best cop

I ever knew.



See anything?






Well, use mine.

They're on the floor.



Oh, yeah.

These are great, Sergeant.



You can see everything.



What do you see?



You know, there's a great

donut shop up there.



Do we have time--



No! No!

I mean on the road!



Wait a minute.

There's the van.



There's the van!



Yeah, that's it.



(Man Stoner)

Hey, listen, man.



When we get back to town,



let's get serious

about this group, okay?



Yeah, really, man.



Like, if we practice

all the time,



we could have

a heavy band.



Let's not let anything

interfere with our music.



Yeah, that's right.



Hey, you see

what I see, man?






Hey, they're

hitchhiking, man.










There they go, Harry.



Keep your eye

on them.



(Man Stoner) Wonder

what they're doing way out here.



I don't know,



but here comes

the Mounties to the rescue.









Turn around, Harry.

They're over there.



Keep your eye

on them, Harry!



Hey, man, you know

how to drive, man?



Sort of. Why?



Take over, man.



Hey, what are you

doing, man?



Hi, ladies.






Hey, entrez vous,

alla yous.






There you go.

Watch your step.



I'll watch

everything else.







what's happening?



How far are you

going, man?



All the way.



All right.



We're going there




Come on over.




There they go, Harry!



I see them.




their tires out!



Got it.



No, not yours.

Use my gun.






Oh, my God!



Damn it!

You stupid idiot!



Look, you idiot!



You are a stupid,

stupid man!



Get over here, Harry!



Get over here.

Give me that gun.



When I think of

the time and money



I've wasted

on your training,



and you still turn out to be

a blithering idiot!




an utter failure!



You make me sick!



Have you anything

to say for yourself?



In the car!



God, I will never,

ever, never



take a baldheaded man

in the department again.




This is a neat van.



Yeah. Want to see

the rest of it?






Okay, we'll go

right back there.



The rest of it

is right back there.



Go ahead.

Watch your step.



Yeah. There you go.




right back there.



Hey, have fun at

Magic Mountains.



Oh, yeah. I see London.

I see France.



If I ain't out

in three weeks, man,



send a search party.



Hey, hold on.

Don't start without me.



Want to do a lude?




You got ludes?



No, I don't have

any ludes!



I wish I had ludes.



I thought you said

you had some.




No, I don't have some.




I don't have enough.



Oh, right.

All right.



I wish I had some,

you know.



I love a manly chest.



Yeah. So do I...



I mean, on a girl.




all units.




all units.



This is Sergeant





all units.



This is Sergeant




We are changing

from a code   direct pursuit



to a code     --

completely lost



due to




These chicks are going

to the Roxy, man.



They're having a battle

of the bands there, man.



Debbie was telling me

all about it.



The winner

gets a record contract.



A battle

of the bands?



It's like the best thing

in the world.



Everyone's going to be there

and everything.



The winner gets

a record contract, man.



That's not

going to mean dick



unless they promote you,

you know.



We could enter our band.

We could win.



It's $      too.



We couldn't enter.

We don't even know any tunes yet.



What do you mean?

We had two rehearsals.




it's just punk rock.



You don't have to

know how to play.



You just got to be a punk.

We could do that.



We got to get loaded

first, though.



Yeah, we should

get loaded.



We need

some smoke, man.



Jeez, we need to

score a lid.




and I'll call Gloria.



Who's Gloria?



Hi. You're looking good.



You want to go,

like, powder our noses?



Anyway, I want to

talk some business, okay?




I got the powder.



She's got the best stuff,

I'm telling you.



Boy, she can

bust me anytime.



You should see

her summer whites.



In here.



Wow. That's heavy.



Yeah, man, but I bet

a lot of cops



smoke dope now,

you know.



No, I mean,

look at that, man.



Looks like a radio station.



The request lines

are now open!



KGFJ soul




Do it now, man.



Request lines are now--






It's open, man.



Go ahead. Go ahead.



All right, Officer Clyde,

contact headquarters



and give them

our present location.



And then I'm going

to take off your dress...






and then I'm going

to take off your bra...



Ha ha ha!



and then I'm going

to take off your shoes.



Whew. Whew.



Hello, hello,

hello, hello, hello.



Can you hear me?



Hello, headquarters?

Hello, headquarters?



Come in, headquarters.



This is Officer Clyde.



Use the code name.

The code name.




Headquarters, come in, please.



This is code name




Hat! Hard Hat.

Give me that.




radio dispatch?



This is code name

Hard Hat.



Do you read me?




Was that Lard Ass?






Hard Hat.

Code name Hard Hat.



Do you read,

radio dispatch?



Hey, got something

for you, Lard Ass.



Hard Hat!



Hard Hat!

Do you understand?



Lard Ass! Lard Ass!



Hard Hat!



Radio dispatch,

do you know who this is?



No. Who is ''this is''?



This is

Sergeant Stedenko.



Oh, yeah?

You know who this is?






Bye-bye, Lard Ass.



(Tires Screeching)



(Horn Honking)




Attention, headquarters.



Attention, headquarters.

This is code name Lard--



This is code name

Hard Hat.



Any sighting of them

in the last half-hour?



They burnt the stash

they had.



Oh, no.



Yeah. Can you

believe it?



They burned the whole thing




Oh, no.



They're expecting

a new one from Tijuana...



I was

in Tijuana once.



...worth millions

and millions of dollars.






The cops are out

looking for it now.



Jesus, I hope

they find it.



If they find it,

set aside some lids for me.



Well, you can believe

we'll have a party.



Why don't we just,

like, split, okay?



Glo, see you.



You want me to give your number

to that guy, let me know.



What's that?



I can't believe

they burned all this.



Hey, I got to

go to the bathroom.



I'll meet you guys

outside, okay?






Hey, homes.



Come on, man.






Sometimes when you got to go

really bad, you can't, you know?



Come on, man.



You wanted to go

out there.



I'll put you

back in the closet.



I think he's got

stage fright, man.



Come on, man.






Ahh, yeah.

That's the one.



Oh, hey, man.




an awful lot, man.



Hey! Hey! Hey!



Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!



Come on! Look at--Hey!



I'm sorry.



Hey, come ba--






(Telephone Ringing)



(Pedro) Hey, everybody be quiet.

I'm calling home.



Hello. Who's this?



James! Man, hey, listen.



We got a gig

at the Roxy, man.



So get the guys, okay?



All right, man.

Be sure to be there.



See you later.



All right.

It's together, man.



We're going to be there.



We're going to take

this battle of the bands.



(Engine Starts)



Does this show?



Uh, yeah, they sure do.



No. I mean this,

this spot.



Let's see.



Yeah, a little bit.



I'll take it out

for you.



Will you?



Sure.Just take it off.







I can stay here.



I'll just

do it here, okay?



Oh, hey, hey, no, man.

Get in the back.



Get in the back.

Get in the back.






Get in the back.









Hey, Pedro?






What's the matter?






You still like me,

don't you?



Pedro, come here, man.



He is so sweet,

you know?



Pedro, get out here.



Man, where'd you learn

how to drive?



We got stopped

by the cops.



I don't have a license.



Why didn't

you tell me that?



What are we going to do?



Oh, shit.



Change places

with me.



I don't think

he's seen us.



No, no. Sit down.



I've got my leg caught.



Man, like,

get over, man.



What do you guys want?









You mind if I have

a bite of your hot dog?



Oh, yeah.

Yeah, man.



You can have

the whole thing.






Want some Fritos?



No. This is fine.



Thank you.



Hey, you guys have

a nice day.



Thank you.



Hey, man.






You're squashing

my nuts.






Hey, did that

really happen?



What was that dude's

trip, man?



I thought we were

going to get busted.



Shh. It might be

a trick.



Okay, sit there

and be cool.



Oh, shit.



Look at him, man.



I wonder what

he's been smoking.



Whatever it is,

I wish we had some, man.



No kidding.



We got to score some.



Yeah, but where, man?



There's got to be

somebody in this town



that's got

a lot of smoke.






Ha ha ha!



I want all you mothers

off the street



All you lambs

off this bloody beat



Well, my freedom's

just begun



So if you can't rock,

you'd better run



A new age is on the rise



With safety pins

stuck in their eyes



The time has come,

let's get it down



Let's find

the weirdest band in town



At the rock fight



Tonight there's gonna be

a rock fight



A highfalutin,

tootin' rock fight



There might even be

a fistfight



At the rock fight



We'll be

rock-'n'-rollin' all night



Long-haired music

is what it's all about




turned inside out



Who's that lady

that's lying on the floor?



Need some speed

to dance some more



Guitars wailin' out

a tune




howling at the moon



Oh, baby,

those purple eyes



Dimpled cheeks

and satin thighs



Don't take the kiddies

to the zoo



Wait awhile,

I'm going to take you



To the rock fight



Tonight there's gonna be

a rock fight



A highfalutin,

tootin' rock fight



There might even be

a fistfight



At the rock fight



They'll be

rock-'n'-rollin' all night



She was, like, nuts.



You could always tell

if she was balling her old man.



Everyone would be

dozing off,



and all of a sudden

she'd start up.



First it would start like--



Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.



But then she'd

really get going,



and she'd be more like--



Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!



And she'd start going

like a motorboat, you know?



Fu-u-uck me, Alex!



Her boyfriend's name

was Alex.



Fu-u-uck me-e-e-e!



Fu-u-uck me-e-e-e!



Fuck me, Alex!



Fuck me, Alex!



Fuck me, Alex!

Fuck me, Alex!



Oh, I got a cramp!



Oh! Got a cramp!



Yeah! Yeah!



Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, God!



Yeah. That's just like it.

You're doing good.



Ow! Ow!



Oh, yeah! Oh!



Ow! Ow!



Oh, yes! Oh, yes!



Ow! Ow!



Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!



Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!






Oh, yeah!

That's just like it.



Then she'd have,

like, two tears.



Oh, it's better.

It's out. It's out.



Ahh, it's better.



Oh, that feels

better. Oh, God.




I need some air.






Right on, man.



I didn't know

your name was Alex, man.



Oh, I got a cramp.



Shit, I'd have

a cramp there, too.



What's going on

out here?



Hey! Hey! You don't even know

where you're going.



Wait for me.



Make way

for the new king.




You're a star, man.



Go ahead.

After you, King Salami.



They're going to be sorry.



Like, I know where

the best dressing room is.



Ooh, yeah, yeah!




ooh, yeah, yeah



Well, I'm living so fast



So you better

feel it, baby



I got no place to go



I mean, it's so socko,

so socko



So very socko



So socko



So very socko



So socko



So very socko



Baby, I'm just so socko



So socko...



Acting like a bum...



The next day, he comes

up to me, and he says,



''Thanks for being there.

like, you saved my life.''



Just like Cher.






Hey, man,

what are you doing?



Come on, man.

Get it together.



We're on

in two more bands.



You ought to hear what

these other groups are into.



These kids

are into something heavy.



I've been writing

this new song.



Mama talkin' to me,

tryin' to tell me how to live






'Cause I don't

listen to her



'Cause my head

is like a sieve



Hey, man, are you awake?



I don't feel

so good, man.



Did you try

to give him some pills?



Yeah, I tried,

but I gave him ups.



Shit, man. Come on.



Hey, how many

fingers you see?






I think I fucked up.



Oh, shit. Anybody got

any coffee or anything?



I got a popper.



We could either party later

or try to start his heart.



Get on the level.

Get up.






Okay, come on. Up.



Oh, shit.

Watch where you're going.



You're not dying.



You know

what I'm saying?



While I got you here,

I was thinking



maybe we should have

some paper between us,



because in this business



a handshake

doesn't mean dick.



Everybody into the van.

Hurry! Hurry!



Come on. Come on.



All right.

Harry, come on.



Look at all these freaks.



(Horn Honking)



Zipping down.



Aha! There's one of them.



(Tambourines Playing)



You know, I would

totally die for you.



You know what I mean?






Well, you dance

and rock all wrong



Summer of love

is     years gone



You know in     years, baby,

I'll be gone



But I'm now



Flowers in your hair



'Cause there's nothing

under there



Peace and love

for free



They don't mean

a thing to me



Join our band



Baby, we're through



I want to be like me.



Like, I have my own special

way of looking and dressing.



That's me.



Ladies and gentlemen,






Piss off!



Mother's nice,

and Daddy's nice



Say it again,

and you say it twice



I'd be telling you

a pack of lies



And you'd be burying me

through moonlit eyes



But you are rocking out

in bi-school



I want to go

to your school



I don't want to go

to my school



'Cause I want to go

to bi-school






Everybody in, boys.

All the way down.



That's right, boys.



We want to

talk to you boys



about joining

your order.



What size sheet

do you wear?



(Horn Honking)



Mmm ba-ba,

mmm ba-ba



Mmm ba-ba,

mmm ba-ba



Mmm ba-ba,

mmm ba-ba



Mmm ba-ba,

mmm ba-ba



Mmm ba-ba,

mmm ba-ba



Mmm ba-ba,

mmm ba-ba



Hey! Hold on.



Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait.



Can I see

some tickets, guys?



We don't need tickets.



We are brothers

of the faith.



We don't need tickets

to walk with love.



We got to

see tickets.



All right. We are not

brothers of the faith.



We are police officers.



Sorry, man.

You got to have tickets.



Let's have some tickets.



No. That is a gun.

That is not a ticket.



Did you bring the I.D.?



No. Uh-uh.



We have got to

get in here right now.



This is very important.



Hey, Sarge.

The van.



Huh? The van!



Jeez, no wonder

Anita Bryant's pissed off.



(Horn Honking)



Hey! Hey! Wait a minute.



Hey, you!



Hey, where are you taking

this tow truck?



Where are you going

with our van?



Take a walk.



What do you mean,

take a walk? Who are you?



Who owns this van?



Who are you, anyway?



Sergeant Stedenko.



Sergeant Stedenko.

What van?



What do you mean?

This van right here.




Let's see some I.D.



Hold it right there.



Hold it right there.

Come back here.



Tell him

we didn't do nothing.



You didn't do

a damn thing.



Take it easy!

Take it easy!



Hey, you know

who he is?



Tell him, boss.



Benny, shut up.



We got to call

the paddy wagon.



Moving right along,



we don't know

who they are,



but here's Alice Bowie.



Don't worry about it.



If you die,

I'm the manager.



(Band Warming Up)






You'd better be good.



Look, I'm not just in it

for the money.



I really like it.



Hi. Hi.



Jade East.









You're the worst!



You guys really

had a scheme going, didn't you?



Thought you'd

get away with it?



Almost $  billion.



Nine billion big ones

to help disease young minds



with marijuana, smack,

toot, crackers, you name it.



Sarge, the wagons

are on their way.



Do you realize

that this is the bust?



This is the one that will

send me to the top.



Nail it down, man.










Are you sure

you talked to headquarters?



They said

they're on their way.



How about a cheeseburger?



No. A sundae.



Hot fudge?



With some whipped

cream on top, nuts.



What's this?



They're anchovies.



Ah, good. Thanks.



I'll buy you

something to eat.



I'm stoned.



Yes, you are

very, very stoned.



Look at this.






Sick! You've got food

all over your uniform.



You've got no self-control




Come on, man!

Let's do it!






Do something!






All right!

You guys ready?






  ,    !






My mama talkin' to me,

trying to tell me how to live



But I won't

listen to her



Because my head

is like a sieve



My daddy,

he disowned me



Because I wear

my sister's clothes



He caught me in the bathroom

with a pair of panty hose



My basketball coach,

he done kicked me off the team



For wearing

high-heeled sneakers



And acting like a queen



Why don't you guys

admit it?



You got the munchies,




I've never seen anything

so disgusting in all my life.



You've let me down, boys.



Harry, are you

understanding me?



I am stoned!

I am stoned!



So go with it.



Put it

in your sundae.



Go with it?

Get away from...



You almost botch up

the entire operation,



you lose my best dog,



two guys piss on my leg,



and you tell me

to go with it?



I'll go with it!



Go with it.

G-go with it.



Ha ha ha ha ha!



I'm so bloody rich!



I only know

three chords!



You fools!



(Yelling Unintelligibly)



(Audience Chanting)

More! More! More!



More! More! More!



More! More! More!



More! More! More!



More! More! More!






My mama talkin' to me,

trying to tell me how to live






Wow. Did you hear

that crowd?



They gave us

a standing ovation.



We're going to have

a bad band.



We had them eating right

out of their hands.



We're going to be

big, man, really big.



We'll be bigger

than Ruben and the Jets.



All we got to do

is keep practicing,



just keep it together.



I feel good, man.



I wish we had something

to celebrate.



You got a joint

or anything?






What? We getting

pulled over?



I just remembered.

I got some hash.



Oh, yeah?

Fire it up, homes.



I need a pin or something.



There's a pin right here

on my tutu, man.



Be brave and remind me

to take those back.



We'll get charged

for an extra day.



I forgot all about this.



We're going to have

a limo, man,



and food backstage,

man, everything.



We need a manager.

That's the only thing.



My cousin.



He doesn't have a job.



We'll make him

the manager.



He's got a van.

It'll be heavy.



We'll be the heaviest

dudes, man,



Get all-new instruments,

man, everything.



All right.



What's this?



I think it's hash.



It doesn't

look like much.



Where'd it go?



I don't know.



Oh! Aah!



Hey, watch the road, man.



Aah! Aah!



Oh, shit!



Hey! Hey!

Watch the road!



Aah! Ow!



Oh, shit!



Hey, man,

you dropped it in my lap!



Well, stop the car.



Reach your hand

down there.



Stop the car. Here.




my huevos is too hot.




my huevos is too hot.



Ydespues I choke



Oh, shit!



Ytodo mis care



Go up in smoke



Come on,

let's go get high



Up in smoke



That's where

I want to be



'Cause when I'm high



The world below

don't bother me



When life begins to be

one long and dangerous road



I take a toke



And all my cares

go up in smoke



Hay gente que se mortifica

all the time



Se hacen viejos

antes de su tiempo



But I say arabata

all the gusto you can find



Porque all of the time

get high, high



Come on,

let's go get high



Up in smoke



That's where

I want to be



'Cause when I'm high



The world below

don't bother me



When life begins to be

one long and dangerous road



I take a toke



And all my cares

go up in smoke...



I take a toke



And all my cares



Go up in smoke


Special help by SergeiK