Urbania Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Urbania script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Dan Futterman movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Urbania. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Urbania Script





Man: No.



Hear any good stories lately?



Let me see

if I know any.



Oh, I got a good one,



and this one

really happened,



I swear.



It's another example

of the universe saying,



"Just when you thought

you were safe.



Just when you thought

you had it all under control...



wrong place, wrong time."






No. No!



Just give me a second

to figure out the ending.






Don't you start with me.






No, I won't sink

to that level.



Pussies hold,

you got    seconds.



Woman: Yum.



My favorite...



mystery meat.



Yeah, isn't it a little...?



Yes, it is.



Hold on.



Atta boy.



Of course I have something

in position.



You're done.



You a broker?






Got any inside skinny?



You wanna talk business?



Talk down to me.






What have you

learned so far?



That I can't control

the market.



Just listen to your body;



it's a disciplined investor.



About your kidney...



taxable fund.



One gets over taxed



you got another one

to start all over again.



And then there's

my favorite...



the emerging markets.



Only risk

what you're willing to lose.



Like my daddy said,



"You get some battle scars,



they make great war stories."



Woman: They took his kidney,



left him cold,

wet and bleeding.



Man: Uh huh.



What? It's true.



I love this city.



Someone's always got it

worse than you.



It's true.



Man: Did you hear

any good stories lately?



Woman: You hear so many

horror stories



about what's going

on out there.



What is your story?






Fuck you.



Hey, that's what I eat.



Woman: You know,

I heard this story



about this friend

of a friend of mine...



Man: I know this one.



Remember the   s?



People were fucked

back then doing it



and just as high.

Up the ass in the mouth...



You want some gum?






Take it.



We got to get the kids

to the country



where they'll be safe.



I have to go up.






- This happened.

- Uh huh.



What if I finally found

that thing I can't get through?



Wouldn't that suck?



I'm sorry, this is your story.

Go ahead.



All right, I got a good one,

and this one really happened.



Woman: So the vender

reaches in for a hot dog



and pulls out

a boiled rat.



Uh huh.



So I guess he lost his pet

chihuahua or something



and found him

in the cooker.



This shit happens

all the time.






That's my way of keeping

shit from happening to me.



Some bull shit story.



Shut up.



It's true.



Something happen to you?



Don't worry,

I got everything under control.



- This happened.

- Uh huh.



It's true.



You hear so many

horror stories



about what's goin' on

out there.



What, it's just

a story, right?



Don't play games with me.



You think you got it

all figured out.



You don't know

shit about me.



What did you do?



It's weird.

I'm working graveyard now.



I can't sleep.



So I'm always going out

when everyone's coming in.



And today I felt like



I was going back

in time



to you.



Please pick up.



I'm calling like always

before to say that



I'm on my way home.



I really thought

you might be there.



Watch out, they're putting

infected needles in there.



One prick and...



Oh. Not exactly

the change I was looking for.



Hey, I got eight inches

and it's all for you.



- Hey.

- Okay,



if I get to keep it

when we're done.



Much better than, "Hey."



Gotta learn

to protect yourself.






Where are you headed?






Your life can change

in a second.



I know that.



You're never given anything

you can't handle.



Bull shit.



It's nice to meet you.



Man: I don't go out

to go in.



That drag queen

is dragging me down!



Terry, baby, it's Sam.









- Oh. Hey.

- Sorry.



Listen, man, I have

never done this before.



I'm just trying

to get home.



I stopped in some

fucking place over there



to get a brewsky...

No, really.



You know, and I got

to take a leak.



I go in there

and I assume the position.



I got my hands full, right?



And some mother fucker

comes in before I even notice.



This mother fucker is making off

with my wallet!



Get in the fucking car.



I'm pissing on the wall

and my shoes and...



Mother fucker.



Yeah, man,

that's what happened.



So, yeah,

I'll tell you what.



Why don't...




Why don't you write

your name address



on this little

piece of paper



and I'll mail you

the    bucks back?



You got a pen?






Is it you?






It's me.



I've called the police.



They don't care.



My boyfriend's

on his way over.



He's never getting there.



What do you want from me?



I want you to know



you're mine.



Neighbor: No.



No! It hurts!



It hurts.



Leave me alone!



Belle, Sgt. Prowell,

  th Precinct.



We've traced the calls.



They're coming from

inside the house.



Get out!



Police, hold it right there.






Man: Goddamnit.



Can you help me out?

I need...



I want to rep...



No, I'm...



You know what?

I'm gonna do this myself.



It hurts.



You standing guard?



Got a date?



If I get lucky.



If you get lucky,

good night for it.



Daylight savings time

ends tonight.



You get one hour twice.






I don't do good in winter

on account I'm so cold blooded,



just like my mother.



My mother,

if she saw me like this



she would just die.



Luckily she's dead.



Stay warm.






My mother...



Ain't you ever hear the one

about the lady a long time ago



who had this baby

and she was parked in this lot?



And she was doing her best,



she had her arms full

with the baby and the bags.



She put the baby

on the car roof,



and she put the bags

in the back, and got in.



And she left the baby

on the roof and forgot about it.



You hear that one?






Well, that was my mother.



Maybe that's why

I'm a little...



you know, in the head.



Oh, I don't know.



It's a good story though.



Have you eaten?



Oh, God, yeah.



I ate a whole bag

of Pepperidge Farm cookies



and some Kellog's lightly

frosted bran flakes,



just an hour ago.

I'm still stuffed.



Here you go.

Take it anyway.



I gotta go.



Buy a bottle of something.



Hey, I'm on the wagon,




Don't forget to set

your clock back!



Uh, watch it, dick!






How are you doing

this evening?



Something I can get you?



I'm forgetting about you

at least twice a day.



Hey, come on!



Why would I hate you?

I hardly know you!



Here you go.



Looking for someone?



I'm going to wait.






In the meantime,

can I get you something?



I don't drink anymore.




Bottle of spring water?






- No, thanks.

- Juice?



What's your name?



My name?




Matt, nothing, thanks.



Yum, thanks.



- Hey, Molly.

- Matt.




For taking up space.



You're waiting?






For this um...



this guy.



Something happened and...



You don't

wanna hear this.



It's all right.



No, this isn't

that kind of bar



and from the looks of things

you're not that kind of bartender.



That kind?






Probably not.






Uh, not.



Listen, I hold no objections

to human needs.



Oh yeah?



We've all been there...



the heart racing,

pulse beating,



penis throbbing.






Hey, look, you know,

I don't know you,



you don't know me.

You don't know what my story is.



Too true.

What is your story?






Distract me, Matt.



Take me out of my own head

for two minutes.



Her name was clara.



Early   s, beautiful.



Lover of jazz

and Bourbon Sours.



Woman: These are what

catherine DeNeuve drinks.



Bourbon Sours.



Read that in an interview.



I was beautiful once.



What are you talking about?



You're still

a beautiful woman.



If ol' catherine were married

to the thing that I'm married to,



and had given birth

to these American monsters,



she wouldn't look

too good either.



She goes on like this.



Those miserable kids...



they cruise the web

for porno sites.



And now

these American kids



can't be a second

without entertainment.






They have their remote mentality

in their head, you know?



Always looking

for something better.



Like their father, always looking

for something new.



And if you're not attending to

them, they click you off.



My husband

is fucking around on me,



a redundancy

with no cash value.



Don't say that.



Shut up, it's true.



And then she stares at me,



and I mean, stares.



I get an immediate bone,

I must admit.



And then she puts a crisp   

down on the bar.



For you.



Why? I haven't done anything

to deserve that.



Not yet.



What's your name?



My name, um, Matt.






Show me.



- Matt.

- I'm sorry, show you?



Join me a minute in the bathroom

and show me what you have.






I'm sorry, no.



Clearly a woman for whom

"no" was for the right price...






No woman ever wanted

to just use me.



I appreciated that.






Well, it was getting to be

a ridiculous amount of money



for one simple flash.



That's all she wanted

after all.



I went home and pulled

the pud good night.






Anyway, about three months later

I get a certified letter.



I never got

one of those before.



Saying clara and that husband

of hers had gone on a vacation.



She got one of those

airline insurance policies



and named me

as the beneficiary.



Their plane blew up.



That stool

you're sitting on,



is mine.



So believe me,

I hold no objection



to human needs.






Wow, now I want to see.



Bye, Matt.



Hey, thanks, guys.

Good night.



Human needs, man.



Yeah, look...



No objections, right?



It's for your help.






This guy, he's...



someone you might

remember seeing in here.



What does

he look like?






he was born

with all the right stuff.



Good looking, huh?



Yeah, but he's fast approaching

the flip side of sexy.



He doesn't

take care of himself.



He's reckless,

for now, though.






He's got a tattoo.



A big one.



- A snake...

- Wrapped around a heart?






That's the guy?



Don't worry,

I know about the girl.



Is he hanging

with any guys lately?






Any particular days?




No. Late.






I'll see you later then,

all right?



You sure he's what

you're looking or?






Don't worry,

I got everything under control.



Hey, what do you

want to do?



Do you want to do what,

honey bun?



Come on, little girl.



Hey, it's charlie...



Oh my God!



I was in the neighbor...



Please, oh my God,

she'll catch her death!



It rained on her.



My my my,

look what the cat...



yadda yadda yadda.



- I thought I'd say...

- Hey.



Oh, you're wet.



Oh, I'm sorry.



Come in from the rain.



At last. Hey!









# He wanted big beehive hair #



# Big beehive hair #



Hey, hey, darling!



Let's get you

out of these things.



Don't worry about me.



Oh, but I do.

I lie awake at night thinking,



"What's become of him?

Is he wet?"






Brett, are you

expecting company?



Oh God!




Hey, charlie, you just

thumbed out a family member.



It's yours.



You preserving it?



Eat me.






Elderly woman: No, we don't

want... Oh, dear.



Oh my, Vivian.

Poor little Vivian.



We got to get you dry.



We don't want the little girl

to catch pneumonia.



We've got to get you dry.

Oh dear...!



Oh, no. Oh no.

I just heard a sneeze.



Oh my baby had a sneeze.



You'll catch your death.



Oh, we're going

to make you dry.



Did this warm you up?



- Sure.

- Look.



Oh God.



So, what have

you been up to?



What have you

been up to?



Oh, I missed you,




- I'm sorry.

- Don't be.



I am.



That's just the old girl

next door's microwave.



- Vivian!

- She's nuts.









Are we all talked out?



I'll tell you what

I've been doing.



I have been having

an intimate relationship



with my VcR.



Renting all these groovy,

early   's British stuff.



And for some reason



Glenda Jackson is in

every single one of them.



You know who she is?



Of course you don't.

You're movie illiterate.



Yes, I know who

Glenda fucking Jackson is.



Charlie's getting a boner.



Anyway, last night

was "Sunday Bloody Sunday."



Did you ever see it?



Glenda and Peter Finch

are both in love



with Murray Head.



And they both make do

while he flits back and forth.



It is, after all, the   s.



And Murray being the butt plug

that he is,



doesn't see the problem,

until one day Glenda says,



"I've had this business,

anything is better than nothing.



There are sometimes

when nothing



has to be better

than anything."



How are you doing?



He said, "Biting the bullet."



How Stella Dallas of you.



Do you know who

Stella Dallas is?



Fuck you.



You don't, do you?



You're so butch.



Brett, not all of us

are into drawing tea roses



and collecting

Depression glass.



That I left

to you and chris.



Oh, the portion of our program

where we discuss him.



Oh, that look.












All right.



Now you're protected.






I'm here for you.



Of course you are,

you're not here for you.



This is strictly

a penance visit.



Who'd you kill, charlie?



Well, I am scoring

high tonight.



Still in mourning, huh?



Still seeing...

what's her name, Renee?



I'm not going

to a therapist



who survived Auschwitz.




I felt so guilty

talking about my problems.



Forget me,

what you've been through...



Besides, I think I found him.






The guy who's going to make

everything right.



So you see,

I am recovering.



Great, where'd you meet him?



If I tell you that, you'll think

I'm this cheap thing.



No, I won't, I swear.



In the street.



You whore!



Right out in the open

like that.



- What's his name?

- I didn't ask.



Oh my God.



Yeah, we had this one

fateful encounter.



You're the worst.



Yeah, I wish.



Last week I saw him

coming out of this bar.






- I didn't have the guts.

- Poor charlie.



No, not any more.



Not this time.



I just went back.






He wasn't in...




So, I...



came here...



in the interim.



No, I wanted to see you.












I think down deep you would be

glad if you saw him.



Good luck, honey.



I only wish

the best for you.



Okay, what's wrong?



I hate this.



I know you do.






You see, I'm blind

in my right eye now.



So boring.



You know what

really makes me pissy?



Grunge, heroin chic

and dying are over.



I so hate being

behind the curve.



Tourism's up.



Are you okay?



Why don't you,



I don't know,

write a column for the magazine?



"The View From My Window,"



"Vintage Videos,"

I don't know.



- I'll let you go now.

- No, no.



I'll stay for a little while.



Let's watch

"Women In Love."






I'm going to lie here and tell

myself stories about you



and the cold night,

looking for your man.



Don't worry.



In my version you'll always

come out on top.



Hearing your voice

on the message



doesn't cut it anymore.



I need you to talk to me.



I finally figured out



what I need to do.



Please pick up.



Look, I'm going to be

a second, okay?



You have to be able

to talk to me.



Just... What?!



I gotta call you back.



Yeah, somebody here

needs an ambulance.



I'm sorry.



Oh God.



That's $ .



Hey, charlie.






No sign yet.






Be patient, my friend.



That's my middle name.



God rewards the patient.



I thought he rewarded the meek,

or something.






That's good.



It will be my night

after all then.



See ya.



No, I've got my heart set.



Are you kidding me?

Did you see that guy?



I don't know if I could

kick him out of my ass.



Oh, he's not.



Go, get out of here.



If your guy comes,

he'll stay a while.



The blindfold,



for, you know,

before you get on the plane.



I start to think he's trying

to sell me into white slavery,



but no, St. Bart's!



I'm think Barry has gotten well.



First day on the beach,




Aw, see?



But then, you know,

we go back to the room,



and the room

when we had been out,



had been

completely ransacked.



Somebody, you know,

like, the help... the natives...



oh, I'm sorry...



but somebody had gone through

and stolen everything.



My clothes, everything.



But the camera, thank God.



And, you know,

all the bathroom junk



like the contact lens stuff,

the toothbrush... is still there.



Okay, so Gary asks me,

"What do we do?"



Well, I will not be moved.



I will not start the rest

of my life with this violation.



Shit happens, the saying goes.






Barry and I just took

the best damn pictures we could.



Look at this one.



I'll be getting lots

of multiples of these.






- How much is that?

- $  .



- Thank you.

- Oh my God!



Oh my God.



Oh my God.



- Here you go.

- Leave it!



Oh my God.

Oh my God.






I guess

shit really does happen.






Third time's a charm.



Second floor.







But now everything's changed.



- I don't know you anymore.

- Hello?



The accident's turned you

into something else,



someone I don't know.



These arms were made

to hold you.



No, stop.






It's from my reel.



I want to make sure

it taped okay.



Soaps suck.



My agent's trying

to get me off it.



You don't give a shit.



That's cool.



What can I do

to impress you?



I'm fine.



You like acting?



Oh, yeah.

You get to be other people...



if you're good.



You get to scream and shout,

let the demons out.



You get noticed,



which makes having demons

almost worthwhile.



I love that I go over,

you go under.



Didn't we just do that?






You're on my side.



Let's find out

how the other half sleeps.



Scared of waking up

on the wrong side of the bed?



You think you're so brave.



No, I don't.



I just hoped that if I sleep

in your space



you'll be in my dreams.



Want one?



- Thanks, no.

- It'll make you happy.



I don't look happy?



You seem, uh...



you seem a little tense,



mystery man.



How'd you get that?



Bar brawl.



I love scars on a guy.



They make them

look dangerous.



That's why

I picked you up tonight.



So you think I'm dangerous?



I might as well take my chances

and find out.



Something about

those eyes...



and that.



So you like dangerous guys?



I don't know.



It livens things up.



I get bored easily.



For a while,

I went to sex clubs.



I didn't let anyone

touch me,



I'm not some sort of freak,

but uh...



I went to just walk around,



watch people do shit,

get noticed,



get asked to do things.



You wouldn't believe the kind

of shit people are into.



I mean, the things that

they wanted me to do to them,



but that got boring, too.



Yeah, I'm not really into

the whole queer scene.



I don't even know any guys

who are, like, totally gay.



Excuse me?



Well, my friends.



My guy friends are straight.



I consider myself bisexual.



There was this gal

at school.



She was short, she was pretty.



She was a hell of an actress

and we were engaged for a while.



I really like girls,







You can't help yourself, right?



Your libidinous nature is just

a mask that you fuck everything.






Hey, listen, uh...



- charlie.

- Charlie...




if I didn't like you



in my place.



Oh, in your place.



I'm breathing

the very same air.



What more

could a girl wish?



I guess whatever happens

after this will be gravy, right?



Come on, let's fuck.



It's cold.



Okay, okay.



Look, I don't

get fucked, okay?



It's just...



I don't allow it.






Shit, because that's all I do.

I fuck.



What's so funny?



You're a weird guy, charlie.



Why do you say that?






Ron. I'm serious, Ron.



That's why you brought me here,

isn't it?



All right! Okay, okay.

All right.



Maybe this was

a mistake, okay?



This isn't going

to work out.






- Yeah, what?

- Maybe you should just leave.



Maybe you should

just make me, okay?



- What?

- You're the man, right?



You like danger.



- Just go.

- I'm dismissed.



- I didn't pass muster.

- This is my place.



You can say that all night.



Look, I mean it.

Get out of here.



You get the fuck out of here.



I mean it.

Let's go.



So do I.



What the fuck

are you gonna do?



You bring a guy here,

up to your place,



with presumably every intention

on your part



and his, to fuck,



somebody you don't even know,

and here he is.



Maybe he takes offense

at something you said.



Maybe he takes offense

at any number of things.



And sure, you can claim

territorial imperative.



It is your place.



Maybe he just doesn't

give a shit.



What the fuck are you

going to do?



You going to come over here

and call the cops?



See if you get that far.



You want me to fuck you?



Huh, cunt?



You want me to?



I'll give you a scar

you really don't want, asshole.









I did not.







No, I made a couple of hints...



Honey, I think

we've got company.



I hope I'm not interrupting.



- Chuck, right?

- Yeah?



How are you doing?



Not bad.



That's good.



You don't remember me,

do you?



Yeah, no...

I'm trying to place the...



chuck's real bad with names

and faces and everything.



- That's too bad.

- But he's so cute and charming,



so we gotta forgive him.



Woman: Chuck, table for two.



Oh, I'll walk you.



- I'm Deedee.

- I'm charlie.



- Nice to meet you, charlie.

- Nice to meet you, Deedee.



Oh no, no no, I got it.



You played baseball against us

in the park, right?



Grey, right?




Honey, Grey Advertising.



At the park?



Baseball Saturday,

isn't it the best?



You and me and Don and Bob

and all us guys.



Scratching our nuts

inside our jocks,



swinging our hunks of wood,

reaching into the Igloo cooler



and downing some coors,

getting buzzed.



Oh, and then some babes

walk by



and we say things

to get their attention.



God, it's great!



No. No, I'll tell you

how we met each other.



We met on the stairs.



You just came back

from that bicycle race.



Oh, okay.



And you were wearing

those shorts, you know...



skin tight, Nike, with a pink

slash running up the side?



Deedee, you ever see chuck

in those shorts?



Oh dear.



You live in the apartment

above mine.



Yeah, right,

I thought you looked familiar.



Let me buy you both

some drinks.



- No, that's all right.

- Sure!



Don't we have to go

to the show?



Oh, no, we got time, honey.




Another round, please.



- Same thing?

- Sure.



And some calamari.



Oh God, you guys look

so great together.



Well, we deserve each other.



I mean, good things happen

to people that deserve them.



I am sure it's just a matter

of time for you, charlie,



- you know what I mean?

- No, what do you mean?



You know what I mean,

the right girl.



You're going to find her.



It just might mean having to work

a little bit to find her.



There is this book

I've been reading.



- Please.

- It's about... What?



No, I wanna hear it.



He wants to hear it.



So in this book this guy,

he says, quote,



"There are two ways

to approach life:



As victim,

or as gallant fighter.



You must decide if

you're gonna act or react.



Deal your own cards

or play with a stacked deck.



Because if you don't decide

which way to play,



life always plays with you."



I mean, it's simple,

but it's...



Dopey, honey.

It's a little dopey.



- Dopey?

- No, I think it's...



well, yeah, it sounds dopey,

stupid, whatever.



But look, deep down

there is truth.






Like I had to work

to get you.



We were set up at this party

a couple of weeks ago,



and we really didn't

hit it off at first.



I thought he was

just adorable,



but a little too, "Hey."



I thought

she talked too much.



But the point is

I wanted him,



and I pushed until

I got him.



And here we are.






You are so shy!



I just love him.



We are very fortunate.



You hear so many horror stories

about what's going on out there.



I heard this story about

this friend of a friend of mine.



He met this girl

once in a bar



kind of like this one,

like a hangout...



- I know this one.

- No.



Yeah, she steals

his kidney, right?



No, geeze.



Okay, so...



# Happy anniversary #



So anyway, they're talking

and drinking



and things were getting

kind of serious.



And they're drinking

more and more



and things were getting

more and more serious



until they decide to

go off somewhere.



So, they go back

to his place



and they do it.



Except he isn't wearing

anything on his...



I mean, I guess because it's,

he figures she really pretty



and she knows all the same

people he knows,



they're in the same tax bracket,

I don't know.



Anyway, he doesn't wear

anything on his dick.



So they spend

the night together.



And the next day he wakes up

to find she is gone.



He doesn't know who she is,



where she lives,

where she works.



The only thing

that she's left behind



Is this message

on the mirror,



"Welcome to the world of..."



< AIDS >



...in lipstick.



Pretty creepy, huh?



Not a pleasant story,

not at all.



What is so funny you guys?

It's sick!



Honey, no...



What do you think

is so funny?



Oh, it's the worst.



Damn straight.



All right, some flyboy

fucks a chimpanzee in Zimbabwe



and we're supposed to wear

super elastic bubble plastic



for the rest of our lives.






- This really happened, Dee?

- Yeah, that's the best part.



I mean, it's terrible, but...



- They're friends of friends?

- Yeah, why?



Because I heard the same story

like five years ago in Seattle.



It happened to the girl,

not the guy.



Why are you being so negative?

Because it's not your story?



This isn't about me.



We were supposed to be out

celebrating tonight.



You know, a different attitude,

a new leaf.



I just want you to think.



I think.

I think you better shut up.



I'm sorry.



So, chuck,



you don't think

shit like that happens?



Well, yeah, but sure not

to anybody I know.



Why not?



Because... come on.



Right. Right.



Shit like that happens

but not to people like you.






Come on, that's people

who want to be people like you.



Life doesn't

just play with you, right?



People don't just use you.

They don't just take advantage...



A guy like you?



Damn straight.



But you know what?

I have to confess.



I know a story,



and this one really happened.



See, this person,

he suffered a tragedy recently.



His boyfriend...



well, he was no more,

so to speak.



And this person was feeling

mighty depressed about it,



so he was just

lying in bed,



sleepless as usual.



When all of a sudden

he could hear this couple



through the ceiling

just going at it.



You know, cursing

and yelping and moaning.



And he just kept listening.



Eventually, he stopped thinking

about his own misery



and just concentrated

on the sound of them fucking.



So his hand reached down,



and he just thinks about

the guy upstairs,



the guy in

his bicycle shorts.



And the next thing

he knows,



all three of them

are finding God simultaneously.



- What the fuck?

- Ever since then,



he's been looking

for the chance to say thank you.



Thank you for

a memorable evening,



even if you were only there

in spirit.



- Chuck.

- What? What's the matter?



- I fucking knew it!

- It's just a story, right?



Let's get out of here!



No, hey, chuck,

this is on me.



Hey, where do you get off?






I ought to knock you

on your ass.



- Okay, go ahead.

- He's not worth it.



- What is your problem?

- My problem?



For one, I'm sick and tired

of you people



flaunting your lifestyle choices

in my face all the time.



Oh, so we owe you, right?



You think you got it

all figured out.



You don't know shit

about me.



Fuck this.

Come on, get your ass...



Oh, sure, be mad at me now.



Here you go.






we were having

such a good time.



I'm sorry.



I didn't mean to ruin your...



Well, actually, I did.



We're getting out of here.



Talk to fucking anybody.



That's it,

have some more wine, Dee.



- Hey.

- What the fuck?



Fuck you up!



- Hey, man...

- Not now. Not now.



Woman: Thanks, just the way

I like it.



Can I have a beer?



How are you doing

this evening?



- Something I can get you?

- Yeah.



Hey, man, buddy,

you seem like such a nice guy.



I don't want to bother you,

but I'm over there



at that bar taking a leak

and some guy comes in and...



I'm sorry, this is terrible.

Let me buy you a drink.




let me buy my friend a drink.



You're not gonna believe

what happened to...



- Gary.

- Gary.



Tell him what happened.



I'm over there taking a leak.

Before I know it



some guy comes in,

rams his hand in my pocket...



He's pissing on the floor,

he's pissing on the walls...



I'm sorry, this is your story,

go ahead.



The mother fucker

makes off with my wallet!



That's it.



That's not it.



Come on, Gary. That would be

bad enough, but the thing is,



the same exact thing

happened to Gary last week!



Right? You stopped me on the

street. You were killing time...



Hey, hey! Fuck you.



Oh, okay, fuck me.



Fuck you and fuck you, too,

tough guy!



Fuck you.



Who the fuck

does she think she is?



You fuck with me,

I'm gonna fuck with you.



That's it. I don't care

if it's her fucking mother.



- Then she wants to go...

- Wait.



This is before or after

you set the kitchen on fire?



It was...



I don't actually remember,

but that's not the point.



The point is,



is that I'm not some little

  -year-old, baby arsonist here.



I'm setting the fire

to prove a point.



- Sure.

- The point is, fuck her!



Am I some little nigger

check out boy



bagging her fucking




No, I am banging the hell

out of her princess daughter.



I'm practically blood.



Then she calls the cops.



Like they're going

to give a shit.



I was telling these coppers

about her little dolls.



And these cops

are just looking at each other



like, "What the fuck

are we doing here?



Let's get the fuck

out of here."



- Dolls?

- Yeah, she ordered these dolls



from these ads,

or some shit.



And she won't let me

touch them.



You know? Do I got dirty hands,

or something?



Right. Then meanwhile,

in this whole fucking house



there not a place

for me to sit,



because these dolls are taking

up airspace like they're guests.



They're fucking relatives.



What am I?

What the hell am I?



You're the guy whose banging

her princess daughter.



Fucking "A" right!



Which I would think would

entitle me to a place to sit,



other than

the fucking toilet upstairs.



So I just lit a cigarette,



like I'm doing right now,



and I just went like that.



Right on her fucking

kitchen curtains.



Could we get another round?






How bad was the fire?



As fires go.



I got the drapes,

I got the window sill,



I scorched a little bit

of linoleum.



But you got

her respect, right?



Fuck her, man.

I got her attention.



It's a lot better

than her respect.



That's good for you.



All right, I gotta grab a table

for my friends, who are late.



It was good

talking to you.



- I'm charlie.

- Dean.



All right, Dean.



Your friend's late?



Yeah, I don't know.



How about you?




Waiting for nothing.



Fucking friends.



Yeah, what?



Nothing, they just,

you know, desert you.



Tell me about it.



You know, they get married.



Pretty soon, they're cruising

the mall with their wives.



- Cigarette?

- Yeah, thank you.



My buddy, last week,



he was the last one to go.



And was I even asked to be

the best fucking man?



I'll tell you one thing,

I'm never getting married.



I mean,

I like booty and all,



but the fucking grief

you got to go through to get it.



Fuck that.



- Stop you're hurting me.

- Jerk!



I like my freedom.



Right, yeah. Freedom.



My problem is,

I have a very restless nature.



I don't even know what I want

in this life anymore.



Yeah. Sure.



I think to myself,

I look around, you know?



I think,

"No, uh uh, bull shit,



that you, them...

any fucking body...



should have what they have

and then me be where I am."



What I deserve,

that's one.



This place

is a fucking morgue, huh?



You wanna do a bone?









Next on our channel,

we got "At Home With Homos."



Yeah, well...



I guess it's not two and half

kids and a dog, right?



They don't have dogs, man.

They're too big.



You ever hear what they do

with their pets?



No, I hadn't

heard that one.



Now, I'm betting baldy

is the bitch



and the goateed man

is the buck.



What do you think?



All right,

I'll take that bet, Dean.



You got a bitch at home?



Yeah, shit,

charlie's pussy whipped.



You do the knives,

she does the spoons, right?



No, I was spoons.



Have you no shame?



Not since I met you.



I saw you

on the bus today.



Not me.



Everywhere I go in the city,

there you are.



I see you, I talk to you.



What do I say?



There's a whole lot

of "yes."






What would the city look like

if you weren't here?



I'm here.



I'm yours.



And you will always

be mine, right?



See, I can talk

romantic, too.



Don't they know

people are watching?



Yeah, exactly.



Come on, let's go to the corner

and get a bottle of something.



Fucking freaks.



Man, that's how sick

these fuckers are, man.



They'd do anything.



Hey, here you go.






What are you

smiling at?



He's smiling at you.



I guess he likes

the look.



Yeah, they like

what they see.



Yeah, I got the look

these fuckers like.



Let's go over there.



- What?

- Let's go over there.



- Why?

- I want to get closer.



- Why?

- We'll have some fun.



Come on.



I feel like I'm on safari



watching the fucking wildlife.



Why do you think it was

that the Almighty christ



put these fags on earth?



Like, I don't know,

like a giraffe?



What's the fucking point

of a giraffe?



Was it strictly

for our amusement?



I guess now He figures,

"Nah, fuck this.



The joke's over.



Just get rid of these fuckers

once and for all."






What do you think?



I don't know, you tell me.






I'm sure I don't know.



It's like my cousin.



I got this cousin,

he's retarded.



That's not his fault.

He's helpless.



See that there?



He goes through life

not knowing,



but they fucking see.



They ride the train like

everybody else.



They see men

and they see women together.



They have to see.



They see the mothers,

fathers, sisters, husbands.



It's the way the whole world

is supposed to be.



Maybe it's not a choice.



Bull shit.



Bull shit, man.



Are you telling me

that it's not a choice



to have a fucking

dick down your throat?



Bull shit, charlie.



Hey, fucker!



Let me tell you something!

My father died of cancer!



All right, that's a real

fucking disease!



He didn't bite it by putting

some cock in his ass!



Man: We won't mind, baby.



That's why

I fucking hate them.



I'll tell you something,

they enjoy the abuse.



You know that?



They're like the spooks.



I mean it's like...

oh, you done this thing to me.



What am I supposed

to feel, guilt?



Hey, hey!

Fuck you!



Man: Okay, baby,

fuck me, fuck me!



Zoo time. Let's go.



Hey, hey, hey, Dean.



Just relax, all right?

Fuck it.



Come on, let's go outside.



Come on.

Let's walk outside.



Yeah, like when

the moment's...



- Yeah.




When the moment's right.



Man: Aw, don't go

away mad, baby.



All right?



I'll tell you something,






especially this whole

fucking crowd here...



is out to judge you.



I'm sorry about your father.



I don't give a flying fuck

about my father.



He was a mean fucker.



He was a fucker

with a capital fucker.



I don't know.



Jesus H. Christ,

that's a fucking look.






- Hey.

- How you doing?



I'm doing great.



Yeah? Okay.

Glad to hear it.



- I'm Don.

- Well, I'm Dean.



- Hey.

- Hey.






So uh...



wanna take a walk?



I don't go nowhere

without my bud.



Oh, you're...

you two are together.






Oh, let's go.






Oh, can't wait, can you?



Yeah, he needs it

all the time, Donny.



Follow my lead.

Trust me, it's fun.






Zoo time.






I'm just so thirsty.



Oh, you are, huh?






What are you

gonna do with me?



I can think

of a few things.



You're not going to forget

my buddy, are you?



Hey, charlie,

come on over here



and tell me

what your bud likes.



Don't mind us.



Hey, holy shit, I know you.



You're my high school

biology teacher.



Look at you, Don Wagner,

don't you look scary tonight.



Hey, come on, I'm not going

to tell anyone!




He's a dick.



We're going over

to The Lure if you...



No, thanks.



Oh come on, Don,

come back!



You got a car?



- Yeah, if I can find it.

- Come on.



# You take me back to the place

where I cease to exist #



# To find a kiss #



# Something I missed #



# You burn away my disguise

and galaxies fall #



# Because of this #



# Because of this #



I remember this quilt.



I remember waking up

drooling on this quilt.



It's one of my fonder memories,




just sleeping together,



with you.



I like it up there.

It gives me peace.




That's good for you.



How are you liking it here?



It's fine.



It's a nice place.

Very white, like you.



- A vision.

- Charlie...



Hey, I've been good.



I've stayed away.



Welcome Wagon.

This is nice.



It's  :   in the morning.



And you're looking

a little gamey.



Did you set

your clock back?



You get an extra hour.






So it's not as late

as you think.



Yes, it is.



It's been

old home week tonight.



- Yeah?

- Yeah.



I saw one

of our friends tonight.






And this time

he was alone.



- Wake up, Dean.

- Fuck. I'm driving.



Uh uh.



Well I was driving.



Still sick?

Too much cuervo?



You taking me home, right?



- You don't know where I live.

- Don't worry, buddy.



I've got everything

under control.



- I can drive.

- Hear any good stories lately?



I don't feel...



Is that a "no"?



Let me see if I know any.






I've got a good one.



And this one really happened,

I swear.



It's another example

of the universe saying,



"Just when you thought

you were safe,



wrong place, wrong time."



Just give me a second

to figure out the ending.



Where are you going?



I gotta pee.



You ever hear the one about

the guy named, um...?



The guy who hung out in the big

city with his buddies,



lurking around a certain kind

of urban nightlife?



- You know the kind.

- Charlie.






One night

this guy was lurking.



And this night

in particular,



he's feeling

kind of blue



because his friends

had all deserted him.



So he's sitting in this bar

and next to him is this fellow,



not part of the urban nightlife,



not one of them.



This one is normal.



Guy has a new found pal.



So they talk and they drink.



The guy's already drunk.

He's been drunk since he was   .



So he guzzles and guzzles

and he wakes up in a field...



Here's good.



You need fucking

driving lessons, man.



...in a haze of tequila.



Whoa, baby.



...a daze of

white hot headlights.



Oh, shit.



Isn't this great,



just the two of us on the road,

being men together?



And then it

all becomes clear.



What the fuck's going on?



Things suddenly, horrifically,

fall into focus.



I'll show you, Dean.



I'll put it in a way

that you can understand.



Your new found pal

is one of them.



Your new found pal.



- Jesus, man!

- What I'm amazed at, Dean, is...



Look at me.






I know it's been five months,

but shit!



I'm your bud now, what the fuck

are you talking about?



- Don't you? Really?

- No.



Let me clear your head

a bit for you.



What the fuck was I, Dean,

some one nighter to you?



Look, man...



You want me to fuck you?



You want me to fuck you,

you little cunt?



Huh, you want me

to fuck you, cunt?



- Is that what you want?

- No.






You like that? Huh?



- Chris...

- Feel good to you?



You trying to scare me?

Is that what you're doing?



Jesus, did some...






something happen to you?



What did you do?



I made him sorry

he ever laid eyes on us.



Jesus! Fuck!



Let me tell you though,

just last week,



I see you on the street,

this cock of the walk...



a black T-shirt,

black boots, black jeans,



and my head

in force of habit turns.



That body, that ass!



I just stood there admiring,

and then it turned,



and it was you.



There's nothing like drooling

over the fucker who...






I thought I missed

my chance,



that I was gonna go

my whole life...



but then I see you tonight.

Just you and me.



Make sure

that cunt's watching.



- Fuckin' destiny.

- Get down. Get down!



Are you cold?



I had to warm you up.



I can get you heated up

in no time, Dean.



Take your

fucking pants down.



- What?

- Take your fucking pants off!



You fucking faggot.



You fuckin' little faggot!



Fuckin' pussy.

You get me fucking drunk.



I expect you to put out!



What kind of

a date is this?



I'm going to cut your heart out,

you know that?



I've been there already, Dean.



Don't worry,

I haven't forgotten you.



You do good work.



Just so you'll always know

you're mine.



- I'm begging you.

- Yeah, that's the spirit.



Get up.



Fuck you.



All right, you little faggot,

you want to see it so bad?






Jesus fucking christ,




this is exciting to you?



Fuck you!



What do you

want from me?



Get down. Get down!






Why don't you lick my tit?



- What?

- Lick my tit, you faggot!



You like that?



Let's try a little lower.



There you go.



Oh, feel it.



See that?

The fucking faggot.



I want you to know

you're mine.



Get down

on your fucking knees.



Get down, Dean!



Open your mouth.



Let me see your tongue.



You want to give this

some head?



Does that feel all nice

in the back of your throat?



Or do you want the real thing,

is that it, Dean?



Is that what you want?


















Stop it!



Stop it!



Chris! No! Stop it!



Oh God.



Total eye for an eye.



It was positively biblical.



This happened?



The fucker was an epileptic,

so I put him out of his misery.



Bull shit.



You barge in here

 :   in the morning...



 :  .



- With some bull shit story.

I know you.



Not anymore.

I'm an absolute shit.



- Congrats.

- People fuck with me,



I fuck with them.

That's it.



So you're the man now?



I can protect you, chris.



Thanks, but...



Look at me.



People mess with us,

they'll know.



I'd kill for you.



But you didn't, did you?



Did you?






I know you.



- Tell me.

- What?



What did you fucking do?



I had him up...



He didn't remember me,

but I had him.



I was gonna...






I was gonna...



I swear I was

gonna kill him,



or at least

fuck him up really bad.



I don't know.



It was just happening,

you know,



the way that night

happened to us.



Only this time,

we were on top.



And then he had that fit,

the fucker.



And I just thought about you,

and I couldn't...



There's no point in him

at what he did to us.



There was no point in me at what

I was going to do to him.



There's no fucking point.









it's nice to know you've

embraced the healing process.



But first we'll need

a better story.



The beginning, middle, dead.



Everyone will be talking about us.

And you know that it was true.



We'd be the stuff of legend.



Nice try, babe.



It would have made it all

worth while.






- I want it to be over.

- It is.



No, I want...



I want it out of our lives.



I want it out of me.



- I want you in me.

- Charlie.



I want you back.



I want you.

I earned you, goddamnit.



Charlie, I love you,



but you don't get

to just erase this.



And you don't get

to win me back.



Why not?



- Shit happens.

- No, fuck that.



I will not let shit

happen to me!



I can't do that.



Oh God, I'm sorry.



Hold on.



Oh God.



I'm sorry.



It's okay.

Come here.



I've come home

from the wars.



This isn't home.



You're the only home

I know.






This isn't home.







charlie: Chris! No!




Help us.



Please help us.



Just hold on, sweetheart.



Hey, what happened?



You okay?



I'm up. I'm up.



Where's your coat?



Did you set your clock back?






you take my coat, okay?



Then what will you do?



I'm going to go inside.






Go ahead, put it on.



I'm Bill.


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