Voila! Finally, the Used Cars
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robert Zemeckis
movie starring Kurt Russell. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Used Cars. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Mornin', roy!
Same to you, asshole.
Rudy russo, mi amigo!
I bring you your cars.
- They are beautiful, no?
- No! Are you using water-based paint?
Sure, we don't get much rain around here.
What do you want for ?
Metalflake?
Listen, you don't like these cars...
here's my inventory.
- That's a picture of cars.
- cars.
The river has been
very good to me this year...
i can't make a deal
off a picture like this.
How about some girls? I got all kinds!
Short, tall, fat,
uglies, bonitas, seņoritas, big tits...
later, i think i got a customer.
I'll think of something.
Student driver shit!
- Hey, rudy!
- Quiet!
- Jesus, you're not gonna...
- i'm gonna bait this guy.
- Luke's not gonna like that.
- Luke's asleep.
- Who's the grape?
- Right there, see him?
He pulled up in that red chevelle.
I'm gonna sell him my buick.
- Forget it. He pulled up in a red car.
- Come on, jeff, you got your foot.
A rabbit's foot
is no protection against a red car.
A red car is bad luck and trouble.
I gotta get some customers on this lot.
I gotta have some fast cash.
Yeah? For what?
For this.
Christ, first a red car, now this...
this man, roy l. Fuchs, doesn't lie.
This man gives you a special guarantee.
I mean, beautiful!
It's up to you, it's your decision.
One who hesitates is lost.
Where are you going, pal?
Come on back here!
Hi there! How you doing?
This your ten dollars?
I saw it floatin' underneath the car.
- Here you are. What's your name?
- Stanley dewoski.
What a coincidence! Rudy polanski.
- I like that watch... great shoes!
- Thanks.
So, you want to buy this buick, huh?
You got good taste.
Nice to see somebody on this lot who
knows a good car when he sees one.
- So, we write it up?
- Actually, i was just looking.
Hey, terrific! Here you can look, browse,
taste, smell, do anything you want.
Nobody's gonna pressure anybody
around here.
I really think
you ought to buy this buick.
You ought to buy it right now.
This buick is you.
This is your car! Stanley dewoski
is buick centurion convertible.
You're thinking,
"can i afford to buy a car like this?"
You can't afford
not to buy a car like this.
When you add this whole thing up,
you'll come out dollars ahead.
The prestige of owning a buick centurion
can't be measured in dollars and cents.
What the hell
are you trying to tell me, sam?
I've been trying to make sure that new
freeway ramp ran through my brother's lot.
According to this, the goddam ramp is
coming right through the middle of my lot.
What's with that pinhead mayor?
He had no choice. It was the only way
to prove there was no conflict of interest.
That mayor don't know dick!
You're the assistant deputy
district attorney! Can't you fix it for me?
- I'm sorry, roy, it's too late.
- Just like that, huh?
This country's going to the dogs!
It used to be when you bought a politician,
that son of a bitch stayed bought.
You're gonna love it, stan!
Trust me!
Shit! There goes a perfectly good
bumper sticker... hey, luke.
That's a nice pair of shoes.
You baited him, didn't you?
Skated him from across the street.
I had to. I can't sell a car
unless i get them on the lot.
Now, rudy, listen to me, will ya?
For the last time,
will you listen to me, son?
Suppose that he's an undercover agent
for the consumer protection agency.
We're still on probation for
consumer fraud. We gotta watch our step.
My ravenous brother over there is just
waiting to get his grimy hands on this lot.
I'm desperate, i gotta move some cars.
I gotta make ten grand in six weeks.
Ten grand?
Are you in some kind of trouble?
No, no...
take a look at this.
There's an opening for state senate.
The machine's looking for a fresh face,
somebody with no axes to grind -
- who wants to tell the people what they
want to hear. They're looking for me!
I talked to the party chairman last week.
Sixty grand buys me the nomination.
Sixty grand, huh?
That's all it takes nowadays?
No, that's like a down payment.
Once i'm in, i go fifty-fifty on
all the graft i take in. Politics, luke!
It's my chance to do something
with my life. Go places, meet people...
maybe even meet some broad...
still looking, huh, rudy?
I don't want to be stuck
on this dusty lot for the rest of my life.
I wanna make something out of myself,
have people look up at me for a change.
This is my once in a lifetime deal.
I took out a second mortgage
on my mobile home.
I cashed in my insurance policies,
sold my car and i'm still ten grand short.
Toby, get me a phillip's screwdriver.
Listen, i got some promotional ideas
that'll flood this place with prospects.
I found two electronics whizz-kids.
They know how to jam a football game
and sneak in some commercials.
Now, we get these strippers, big tits...
you know, i think we'll put
this baby on the line...
i can't fool with this forever.
Sixteen months is long enough.
No, toby, i said a phillip's screwdriver.
Luke, can i ask you something?
Why are we giving these cars away?
We're not giving them away.
School district's paying me apiece.
I can get apiece for these cars.
Those are the apiece cars.
What? These?
You are the craziest,
most irresponsible operator i ever met.
And when you stand there and tell me
that you want to be a politician...
i know you're right.
All right, i'll lend you the ten grand.
No shit, luke?
I wouldn't kid you
about something like that.
We'll go down to the bank in the morning.
Only i don't want to jam any football
games and i don't want any strippers.
Goddam, all right, luke! I love ya!
I'm on my way!
Ask not what your country's done for you,
ask what you've just done for your country!
Are you okay?
Hey, are you all right, luke?
I'm just not used to
all that kind of excitement.
Here... jesus, i'm sorry, luke.
Here, take a pill.
I'll be all right.
You just promise me one thing.
When you buy that election,
become a big-shot politician...
promise me you'll keep my brother
from getting his hands on this lot.
They know, don't they, sam?
They know they're about to have
the best freeway access in the state.
Nobody knows, roy.
It won't be announced for a few weeks yet.
I suggest you torch this museum and buy
out your brother with the insurance money.
If i could buy him out, do you think
i would try to have him put away?
The only way i'm going to
get that lot is to inherit it.
- I thought he had a daughter.
- She ain't been heard of in years.
The son of a bitch
has got a bad heart, you know.
Don't be stupid, roy.
- Just dreaming, sam, just dreaming.
- Right...
carmine!
Send in that new kid
from the demolition derby.
- Mickey?
- Yeah, mickey.
Now, let's examine that pinto, shall we?
Look at that undercoating...
- classic chassis, pal.
- Thanks.
Shall we examine the capacious interior
of this luxury automobile?
I got this guy right where i want him.
Stay out of this...
charlie, good to see you. I got
the papers drawn up on that chrysler...
- it's a chevy nova.
- Hey, i'll be right with you.
Clown.
Excuse me, old man, you a salesman?
Now that's a miracle.
God in heaven, that's a miracle.
Excuse me, you a salesman here?
You know, i'm not one for religion, but
jesus, mary and joseph that is a miracle!
That was my daughter calling me.
Do you believe it? My own daughter.
I just want to buy a car.
She took off about ten years ago,
joined one of those communes.
I ain't seen or heard from her.
Didn't know if she was living or dead.
And all of a sudden she calls,
after ten years. Now that's a miracle.
I know how you feel, old man.
I had a dog once, ran away.
Only she got hit by a truck.
What's the story on this ' chev here?
? Come on, you gotta be jacking me.
Now, son, you're looking at one of
the finest automobiles on this lot.
I rebuilt that engine
with my own two hands.
Does it run?
Does it run? Like a dream.
Well, old man, for
it'd better run like a wet dream.
Yeah... that's a miracle.
Well, at least it starts, old man.
After ten years...
- you won't need that.
- I like to feel safe.
Easy now, easy.
Sounds good, old man!
What the hell was that?
You got a real oil pressure problem here,
it's running real hot... real hot.
Pills? What do you need
those pills for, old man?
Isn't this fun, old man?
You ever played chicken?
I love chicken... i love it.
You're a good sport, old man.
I like you.
What do you say we find out
what this baby is constructed of?
Come on, get over there, old man.
Oh shit!
What's the matter, old man?
You homesick?
I'll have you home in a minute.
What the hell was that?
old man? Well, i'm gonna have to
think about it. I got your card.
- I broke my back getting you this deal.
- Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
You're not going to find
another deal like this in town.
- Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
- A deal's a deal.
- Fifty bucks never...
- okay, you got it, you win.
I'll see what i can do. But i'm
telling ya, my boss sees these figures, -
- when he sees these,
he's going to have a stroke.
What's he trying to pull?
Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Okay, it's a deal, it's a deal!
I'll sign! I'll sign!
I'm sorry! I shook on it! It's a deal!
I never welsh on a deal
and i really do want the car...
luke, where are your pills?
Jesus christ, you guys mean business!
I signed it! Show it to him!
Here's the down payment.
Here, show it to him.
Here's the money!
Here, take it!
Look... you guys are busy.
We'll pick the car up tomorrow.
Oh my god!
Honey, let's get out of here!
Jesus christ!
Luke's dead.
Calm down, we're being watched.
- By who?
- Who do you think?
Sam? Roy... roy!
Yeah, i know it's late.
First thing tomorrow, i want you to come
over here and visit my brother with me.
Well, i'm a little concerned
about his health.
And bring those probate papers with you.
Probate papers!
He's gone.
Jim, help me prop him up, i don't want
toby to see him like this.
Jesus, mary and... i don't know, man.
I think we're out of our minds here.
I think we've got to call the cops.
I mean, it's murder, for christ's sake!
You know that and i know. But the cops
are going to say it was a heart attack.
He's got no family, no will, no nothing.
That means his brother inherits this lot.
I promised him i wasn't going to let that
son of a bitch get his hands on this lot.
- Easy!
- Hey, don't worry about it!
Look, i helped put it up,
i ought to know how to take it down!
Okay, let it down easy.
Hey, man, this shit gives me the creeps.
He should be buried properly.
Nobody's gonna believe he drove his edsel
to miami. Nobody goes to miami!
Old people go to miami!
Where do you want him to go? Aspen?
- This crate won't go around the block!
- This motherfucker runs!
Please show a little respect
for the dead!
- You want to say something?
- Me? No.
- Jim?
- About what?
All right...
luke fuchs, you're about to drive
over the curb for the last time.
He was a good man,
an honest man, a trusted man.
We can't carve your name
on a granite tombstone, -
- but we can keep it
flying high above this lot.
We can't put flowers on your grave, -
- but we can hang the finest vinyl pennants
and pinwheels that money can buy.
You'll be surrounded by an inventory
of the finest quality discount cars.
Ford, chrysler, general motors
will be your headstone.
High volume, high visibility
will be your epitaph.
Rest in peace, luke.
Keep shovelling.
Aren't you a little big
to be playing in the fucking mud?
- We're landscaping.
- We had some flooding last night.
So, what can i do you for?
- I'd like to talk to my brother.
- You're gonna have to talk kind of loud.
- He went to miami late last night.
- That's right, miami.
- Miami?
- Yeah, miami beach.
- Florida.
- I know where the fuck miami beach is.
Some asshole fucked up
one of his cars, -
- so he decided he needed a little
r and r. He's got a bad heart.
- I know all about his goddam heart.
- I'm sure you do.
- What airline did he fly?
- Edsel.
I couldn't believe it either,
but that thing runs like new.
That's bullshit, russo!
He had a stroke.
I saw him hit the floor.
What? Last night? He slipped on some
-weight. He's okay, believe me.
He's lying, sam.
The son of a bitch is lying!
He thinks i'm lying, jim.
Luke told me to have you arrested for
trespassing. Do i have to call the cops?
- Do we have to call the cops?
- Are you a fucking parrot?
- Come on, roy, let's go.
- Suck-ass son of a bitch.
Get the hell out of here!
- See, we got nothing to worry about.
- Are you out of your fucking mind?
We've got a dead guy buried here
and we're going on tv illegally tonight.
We need customers.
Sneaking a commercial
into a football game is illegal!
Freddie and eddie
know what they're doing.
What if the fcc wants to bust us
for false advertising?
We just work here.
They'll have to talk to the boss.
Coast is clear, freddie.
All right... and out.
Freddie, come here.
Are we gonna be able to film
under these blue lights?
We're not going to film
under the blue lights.
That's why i've got the sun guns
mounted on the van. Trust me, will ya?
- Rehearsal!
- We just sell this purple olds.
Margaret, this is where you
show us how you're gonna sit.
A little thigh
to keep their attention...
and then i'll say, "okay, margaret,
why don't you tell us about this one?"
This ' delta is really equipped with
white walls, radio and heater.
For only $ .
Maroon car, my ass.
This motherfucker is red...
then i'm going to say, "and be sure
to check out those high beams."
I make a little titjoke.
I'm sorry this is so sexist...
- nice maroon car, ain't it?
- Yeah, purple...
- did you remember the sunglasses?
- I got something better. It's perfect...
idiot! You trying to murder me?
Trying to assault my person?
This is perfect. They're disguises.
- What the hell is this?
- You're lucky, i only have three left.
Here we go.
Do me a favour and just put 'em on.
Rudy, come on!
I'm not doing a commercial wearing these.
- Sweetheart, you'll look great.
- We'll look like assholes!
- Stand by!
- Jeff, put 'em on. I'm serious.
- No!
- Stand by!
- Ready when you are, freddie.
- He's got it at the forty.
- Put 'em on, jeff!
- No, forget it!
- He's past the midfield stripe!
- No way!
He's on the thirty!
- Put 'em on!
- It's out of the question.
- He's on the twenty.
- No!
- Put 'em on!
- No, no, no!
- And eddie...
- what?
- Take it!
- Okay, freddie.
My god, it's a red car.
That's a stupid place for a commercial.
I don't believe it! Did you see that?
Let's look at one of these
beautiful models, shall we?
- What the fuck is this, rudy?
- What did he say?
You know he just said "fuck"?
That's an fcc violation.
A red chariot to take my ass
straight to hell!
Margaret! Get out there!
Holy jesus!
She's caught on the hood ornament.
Stupid bitch! I hate women!
Rudy, look! It's a red car!
Well, folks, these people
are obviously hysterical -
- over the fabulous deals we have
here at new deal used cars.
We've got over ten jillion cars down here.
Every one a best deal like that.
- Let's take a look under the hood.
- What?!
- Hey, look, bare tits!
- That's disgusting!
I don't want my children to see that!
All those years at film school paid off.
Holy jesus palomino!
Seduce the camera...
come on down to new deal used cars...
come on down and leave it to us.
Front page advertising and it's free.
Can you believe it?
- This is it, guys, it's time.
- I never sold no damn cars before.
Just get 'em in that car. Nothing sells
a car better than the car itself.
You gotta get their friendship, their trust,
then get their money. Ready, jeff?
Jim? Toby? You ready?
Okay, guys...
let's go!
Morning!
- Hi, there, mr and mrs...?
- O'hara.
Rudy o'brian, how are ya?
I've got this ' ...
- hi there, mr and mrs...?
- Lopez, seņor.
Rudy garcia. ' chevy...
take a look at it, i'll be right back.
- Hi there, mr and mrs...?
- Jackson.
Hey, rudy washington carver.
You checking out this cadillac...
look at that, mrs ingallheart, the
interior matches the colour of your eyes.
I just noticed something else.
Mrs lopez, do you realise -
- that your hair
matches the colour of these tyres?
- Let me get the door for you.
- That's all right, i'm just looking.
- Yeah, well, i want you to look inside.
- No, i don't want to get inside.
- It's comfy, roomy, a lot of leg room.
- I've just been looking around.
These aren't the cars i bought.
These are the cars your students
will be able to afford.
They should be
learning to drive in these cars.
- But the school board...
- they'll thank you.
Now, i'm the kind of guy that believes
that a man with your insight -
- should be fairly compensated
for such high thinking, don't you agree?
Do you have a car in mind for me?
- I want you to look inside.
- I don't want to look inside!
Just get in the motherfucking car!
Get in there!
Boys! Out of the car! Now!
- Well, you like animals, don't you?
- Yeah, i got three dogs of my own.
Then you understand when i say that not
only do i think this is the car for you, -
- but toby thinks this is
the car for you, don't you, toby?
There you see, isn't that cute?
So, al, the least we can do
is take the car for a test drive.
Toby wants to go for a test drive,
don't you, toby?
- Test drive with toby, how about it, al?
- All right.
Okay, everybody in the car!
In the car, kids!
Everybody in the car,
test drive with toby...
we're going for a test drive
with toby, that's right...
so, al, listen,
this baby's got a big engine...
a lot of power, big v .
I want you to feel that pickup.
So just go right ahead and punch it.
Punch it?
Stop!
Oh my god!
You killed my dog, mister.
You killed my dog!
I'm sorry...
all he wanted was for you to be happy
in this car... and now he's dead.
How was i supposed to know...?
- We raised it from a puppy...
- how could you?
Look, mister, i know
i can't bring your dog back...
but... how about if i buy the car?
Nail 'em for false advertising.
They said they had million cars.
They said they had ten jillion cars.
Even if they said ten million,
i've got to prosecute the owner.
He's off on a
fishing expedition in florida.
Fishing expedition, my ass! He's sitting
at the bottom of a lake someplace.
You've got no proof.
What do i need proof for?
I'm roy l. Fuchs, goddammit!
If you won't help me put them
out of business, i'll do it by myself.
By using the greatest tool this country
ever developed: Free enterprise.
The american way!
This is the best goddam gimmick i've
come up with so far, this circus idea...
come on in, ride the camel,
feed the helium and drive out a car.
Come on in, join the circus!
Look at them over there.
Not a customer on the lot.
That commercial was a fluke.
They're practically out of business.
Yeah, that's what the people want:
Old-fashioned, homespun entertainment.
That's what roy l. Fuchs stands for too.
I just hope that goddam camel
don't shit all over the lot.
Folks! Here at new deal used cars
we are stripping away inflation!
We're taking off those high prices!
We're getting down to
the bare minimums, so come on over -
- and check out the front ends of these
beauties and inspect the rear ends too!
Scum...
all you have to do
is sign your name right here...
over there we have
a group of immoral charlatans.
They will stoop to the lowest...
oh shit, cut it! What?
- You can't say that on tv.
- I can say any goddam thing i want.
- This is the american way.
- It's slander, they can sue you.
Only the owner could sue me and he
has to be alive. Now get out of here.
Hey, rudy, it's old lorette here.
I was out buying some peroxide today-
- and there was this clerk who looks
just like you and it got me thinking...
hi, rudy, this is nadine.
If you don't have a date, i bought
this new barry manilow record today...
it's mary lou bainbridge,
if you throw out my number again...
rudy, it's jeff. Watch the channel
movie tonight, we're in big trouble.
...a menace that should be brought
to the attention of every decent citizen.
Behind me is the automobile business
at its absolute worst.
A group of immoral charlatans,
masquerading as businessmen.
They will stoop to the lowest, most
vulgar, vile and disgusting ploys -
- to deceive the honest,
hard-working citizen.
They are the lowest form of scum
on the face of the earth...
son of a bitch!
This is roy l. Fuchs,
pre-owned automobiles.
Just a second, pal!
Jam the presidential address?
I hate to break this to you,
but you're out of your friggin' mind.
You've gone right over the edge...
national television, we'll be on
all three networks at the same time.
- How's that even done?
- Freddie?
- Microwaves.
- Great, little ovens...
it's simple. You take the microwaves
and you bounce 'em off a comsat.
A communication satellite.
We bounce the microwave
off the comsat to eddie -
- on the roof of the phone company
in washington dc.
We intercept carter's transmission
and jam it with our own.
- Is this a great idea?
- When is this presidential address?
Tomorrow night, nine o'clock.
We should break in around .
before the audience gets too bored.
Jesus, guys, i don't know.
My horoscope says,
"trouble brewing on the horizon."
And, i mean, we're fucking
with the president of the united states!
He fucks with us, doesn't he?
You've seen
how shitty business is today.
Thanks to fuchs, we had nuns
protesting outside when i got here.
- Jim had to turn the fire hose on them.
- I knocked them right on their ass too!
I'm still five grand short.
We've got to fight fire with fire.
You'll be fighting fire
with enhanced radiation weaponry.
You guys are sure
you can pull this off, right?
Are we sure we can pull this off?
If i can build and install
a pacemaker in this man's chest, -
- i can damn well
bounce a microwave off a satellite!
Jesus, look at this thing!
Look at this...
only twelve ninety-five.
Don't you have some equipment to hook up?
Oh shit! Radio shack
closes in half an hour. Let's go!
- How do you change the batteries?
- It's rechargeable.
Guys! Back door, it's still light outside.
See you tomorrow night.
- Remember: We cut in at exactly . .
- Post meridian.
- What?
- Never mind.
Okay, freddie, . .
- What are you guys doing?
- Will you get down!
- What?
- Do you see that woman out there?
She's trouble.
She pulled up in that red toyota.
I'm not kidding! I think she's from
the consumer protection agency.
You see the way she's looking at that
blue chevy? She knows it's a taxi.
You're paranoid.
I bet you the first thing she asks is,
"where's the owner?"
Girls who look that great don't work
for the consumer protection agency.
Just don't let the little head
do the thinking for the big head.
- Trust me.
- I do.
Congratulations!
This is our giveaway week.
Since you're our one hundredth customer,
you win.
You just won a candlelight dinner for two,
but i can see there's only one of you.
So i'll throw myself in with the deal.
How does that sound?
Listen, can you tell me
where i might find the owner?
Well... yeah...
great, because, you see,
i was just trying to...
let me tell you about this car.
I can give you an unbelievably low price.
I would certainly hope so.
Look at the finish.
- Is something wrong with the finish?
- Yeah, i see primer.
Where?
I see yellow primer here,
i see it here, i see it here...
she's baiting him.
She's knows it's a taxi, rudy!
She's from the
consumer protection agency.
I'm not with any consumer protection
agency. I used to be, but i'm not now.
- Better business bureau? Nader's raiders?
- Trust me.
As in, "trust me"?
So, look, about dinner...
- listen, is luke in his office?
- No. What do you feel like eating?
- Do you expect him back shortly?
- No, he's out of town...
- he's out of town? On business?
- Pleasure. He's in miami beach.
- Miami?
- Miami beach.
I've been to miami beach.
It's not that bad.
I was supposed to meet my father here.
We'll find him,
what kind of car does he drive?
He used to have a green and white edsel.
Who do you think this is?
That's her.
No resemblance.
I've been selling cars long enough to
know when somebody's telling the truth.
That is luke's daughter. Do we have any
health food restaurants in this town?
If that's luke's daughter,
we've got to get rid of her.
What if she figures out what's going on?
What if she sees our commercial?
Why not just throw her in the hole
with her old man?
When i take her out to dinner,
i'll get her drunk.
I'll tell her the reason that luke
went to florida was...
best salad bar in town:
Airport lanes!
Oh, stop it...
and he says,
"don't ask me, i'm just a farmer."
That is the most disgusting joke
i've ever heard.
- Listen, i wanted to ask you something.
- What?
How did you know that i used to work
for the consumer protection agency?
The thing with the taxi? Why didn't you
tell me it was yellow primer?
I knew you were baiting me,
so i told you a bigger bunch of bullshit.
At least you're very honest
about your dishonesty and i admire that.
I really do.
Look, barbara, about luke...
i got to tell you something...
- luke left for florida the night i called.
- That's not the reason he left.
I think it would be better for me and
for everybody concerned if i just leave.
I was thinking of heading
up to oregon or something like that.
Thank you very much for taking
care of me. It was very considerate.
I really had a good time.
Maybe we'll do it again sometime.
Thanks a lot.
Goodbye... thanks.
Barbara... wait a minute.
Look, i know that
sometimes i can come off as -
- kind of insincere, but...
i want you to know
that i really like you.
I haven't had this much fun
with a girl ever... in my life, so...
once you and luke get your problems
worked out, come by and look me up.
I've been thinking about
what you've been saying about luke...
i'm passing judgement on a man
i haven't even seen in ten years.
I have to give him
the benefit of the doubt.
So i've decided to
stick around for a few days.
So, see you tomorrow, okay?
Goodnight.
- She's staying?
- Yeah, she's staying.
I told her luke would call.
What else could i do?
What the fuck is that?
If she sees our commercial,
she's going to be suspicious.
We're going to have a billion people
on the lot tomorrow.
I've been up all night,
trying to figure this out.
There's only one thing we can do:
Cancel the commercial.
Guys, i've got the solution
to our problem.
Courtesy of the beautiful daphne.
What i have here -
- is a one-way train ticket to miami.
You take it out there
and give it to barbara.
Tell her luke called
and wants her to come straight down.
Jim and i will do the commercial,
you get her on the train at midnight.
I feel horseshit enough as it is.
I took her to a bowling alley,
for christ's sake!
I can't do this to her.
What would a senator do, huh?
Don't you like your salad?
Where are you?
You're certainly not here.
I was thinking how much easier everything
would have been if you'd come last week.
I don't understand. Why?
There's something i got to tell you.
I don't know
if this is the right time, but...
the truth of this whole thing
is that luke...
sir? I believe you dropped this.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Rudy, this is a ticket to miami.
- I was going to wait till after dessert.
- You talked to luke last night?
Well, no...
i tried to get a hold of him, but he's
still on that fishing charter and...
- i just decided to take it on myself.
- That's the most considerate thing.
- But i can't go.
- What?
I don't want to force myself on him,
i just want to wait till he comes back.
And, besides, i'm having a wonderful time.
You're really great company.
Perfect.
Okay, okay... freddie?
We got to go, jim's ready.
The president isn't ready
and he's a bit more important.
- We got to go!
- Why are you so nervous?
I'm not nervous! I'm so full of valium,
i rattle when i walk!
All right, fine...
could i offer you a sleeping pill?
- Listen, if i take any more shit...
- aha! There we are.
- What the hell is this?
- This is a test pattern.
Okay, i'm receiving your test pattern,
you're looking real good.
Carter goes on in seconds.
The programme originally scheduled
will not be seen in order that...
i didn't know president carter
was going to be on tv.
Do you mind turning that thing off?
I'm trying to eat.
Have a little respect.
This happens to be the president.
Respect, my ass, food giant!
I'm paying bucks for this meal.
Well, how would you like
that tv stuck up your ass?
Fellas, it's not worth all this trouble.
- I gotta get some air.
- Are you all right?
- I gotta get some fresh air.
- Are you going to be okay?
Are you all right?
Good, just come over here
and sit down for a second.
Inflation is obviously
a serious problem.
What is the solution?
You want the solution to inflation?
Marshall lucky here, where we're
battling inflation not only-
- by fighting high prices, -
- but by blowing the living shit
out of high prices!
You heard me right! Here's an example:
cadillac coup deville for $ .
That price is too high.
Yessir! Here's another one:
A lincoln continental mark -
- it's loaded, it's got
airconditioning, it's got a stereo, -
- it's got power steering, power breaks,
power seats, power windows -
- and a price that isjust too high!
Now, remember, friends...
look out, marshall lucky,
it's high prices!
Take this, you dirty, old high prices!
You got me, marshall!
Jesus christ...
yessir, so remember, friends,
that's new deal used cars.
Now wait just a goddam minute!
What the hell is this?
Is this a mercedes sl
for dollars?
That's too fuckin' high!
You son of a bitch!
We blew the shit out of
that overpriced motherfucker-
- just the way we blow the shit out of
all high prices at new deal used cars.
So you all come on down!
New deal used cars.
So you all come on down!
Did you hear what i said?
I have heard you
with unmistakable clarity.
You son of a bitch!
- Let's go!
- Move this motherfucker!
...a free economy
cannot cope with inflation.
If we've lost our ability
to act as a nation, rather than -
- as a collection
of special interests...
and i reply, "what kind
of people do they think we are?"
You want to give me that again?
As i say, i heard this large explosion,
i couldn't tell what was going on.
I saw the car over there in flames
and all these strange little characters -
- with towels on their heads,
yelling, "ayatollah, ayatollah!"
Then they all got in a car and drove
away. I guess it was iranian students, -
- out to discredit
the american way of life.
I can't imagine who else
would do such a thing.
Let's go.
Sure hope you nail 'em.
Happy motoring.
Hey, jim, did those fbi guys...
were they... jim?
Combat fatigue... shit.
I'll teach you to wreck my cars,
you son of a bitch!
Okay, now, you asked for it now.
Get off my back, you lunatic!
All right,
now i'm gonna have to hurt you.
Where's my brother?
Where are you hiding my brother, you...
the pit...
they filled in the pit!
I knew it!
Get off!
Dumb dog!
Get away!
Get off!
Get away, you dumb dog!
Toby! You pissed on my... goddammit!
Now aren't you glad
i didn't go to florida?
Since you brought that up...
there's something
i gotta get off my chest...
this is rudy. If you leave your name
and your number, i'll get back to you.
Rudy, it's jim!
If you're there, pick up! Emergency!
What is it?
Jesus!
Where are you now?
Don't worry, i'll be right there.
What is it?
Is it about luke?
- No, no.
- Well, what then?
What is it about? What's going on?
Jeff, he got in a fight, i gotta go down
to the station house and bail him out.
I'll be right back. See you later.
Rudy, it's jim. If you're there,
pick up! Emergency!
What is it?
Fuchs knows luke's dead.
He found out where we buried him.
- Jesus!
- He beat up jeff!
The cops are gonna think
we killed him!
- Where are you now?
- At the lot!
I'll be right there.
The white house reaction
has been negative.
Do you think we like being associated
with the president of the united states?
We run an honest lot here!
Come on, guys! We're not even open yet!
I told you to keep your ass off this lot.
Yeah, show him the warrant, sam.
- Bring those picks over here!
- A search warrant?
What the hell are you guys looking for?
Start digging over here.
Hold on! You bust in here, disrupt our
business, start digging up our lawn, -
- at least tell us
what the hell you're looking for.
You buried my brother here
and you know it.
What? Roy, are you looking for luke?
He was here minutes ago.
He'll be right back.
You spoke to lucas fuchs minutes ago?
He got back
from miami beach last night.
Oh shit, he smells!
Come on, luke... i'm sorry, luke.
Shut up, toby! I hear you!
Adios, luke!
I'm telling you guys, you're wasting
your time. Here he comes now!
Jesus, he is still alive.
Where the hell is he going?
- He's exceeding the speed limit.
- He's got to be drunk.
He's heading right for the transformer!
All right, grab that pump!
Very neat, russo, very clean...
plenty of witnesses, everything
up in flames, not a trace of evidence.
Shrewd... kept yourself out of jail.
- Now get the fuck off my lot.
- Your lot?
You just handed it to me
on a silver platter.
Afraid not, roy. Luke's got a daughter.
You remember barbara? She's back in town.
I bet you haven't seen her in ten years.
You wanna talk to her?
She's staying over at my place.
You son of a bitch.
Get off me!
Get this maniac off me!
- Get him off!
- Okay, mac, come on, here you go.
Oh my god...
get your hands off me!
I'm roy l. Fuchs, you son of a bitch!
Barbara! There's been a terrible accident,
your father's dead.
Why don't you tell her the truth, russo?
He buried him back there in the edsel!
- Will you please tell me the truth?
- All right...
your father wasn't in miami,
never was...
he was in aspen. He didn't want you
to be here when he got back...
rudy, you're fired
and you can take your friends with you.
Get off my lot!
Shit!
So? What do you say?
I'll have to think about it.
He's an asshole.
Don't think too long. A ninth-grader
was looking at it yesterday.
Real grinders.
Tougher to close than their parents.
Aw christ...
how am i gonna come up with five grand?
Why don't you call my bookie,
put some money on the game tonight, huh?
I got a good feeling about denver.
Here's his number.
Denver's ranked tenth.
That's right, but i found a dime in a
payphone booth this morning. Ten cents, -
- minted in denver. The numbers that i
dialled on the phone added up to ten.
Today is the tenth... and you know
what time it was when i found the dime?
Ten after ten!
I can't lose, so i bet ten bucks.
That's the dumbest fucking shit
i ever heard in my life.
Superstitious crap... i'm gonna push you
under a ladder on friday the th.
Why don't you just go ahead and call her?
She knows you belong on that lot.
Just call her.
Okay, okay, okay...
mr russo?
This is mr caldwell, the party chairman.
The machine has to present its slate
of candidates the day after tomorrow.
We'll need your contribution.
You do have it, don't you?
- Yeah, i got it.
- Very good.
Put it out! Put it out!
Here's the script, boss.
You're sure this is the one they're
filming over there now?
- I swiped it right off the truck.
- Well, this stinks.
I wouldn't buy a car from anybody
who put this kind of shit on tv.
- Would you?
- I wouldn't.
That's what i keep telling you.
She don't know what the hell she's doing.
She hasn't sold a car in four days. At this
rate she'll be bankrupt in three weeks.
Roy? Sam. Any progress with your niece?
No, she's as stubborn as her old man.
She won't sell dick.
But i'll just bide my time.
She'll be bankrupt in two weeks.
You haven't any time to bide.
The mayor's going to announce
the new freeway the day after tomorrow.
You'd better find some sucker
to buy your lot.
Roy?
Asshole mayor!
We know anybody over at channel ?
Now watch this.
See the... style of cars
we have to choose from. We have...
you see where she said "style"?
See the... style of cars
we have to choose from...
further on down she says this:
valley road, just one mile...
west of...
a mile. I took the word mile
and i put it over style.
Now watch this.
Come on down and see the mile
of cars we have to choose from.
Son of a bitch!
Let me see that again.
See the... mile of cars...
we have to choose from...
goddam, that's terrific!
What do you think, sam?
Most blatant case of false advertising.
I could have her convicted
hours after it's aired.
- When are they going to show that?
- During tonight's game.
Why don't you come on down and see
the mile of cars we have to choose from?
She said she had a mile of cars.
Can you believe that?
That's the most blatant claim
of false advertising i ever heard.
She sure looks good, though, doesn't she?
Russo, i've been looking
all over for you.
I'm about to lose my job
because of you.
I've got more than sophomores who
aren't going to pass driver education -
- because your frigging cars won't run.
You got an auto-shop class. Enrol your
sophomores and teach them something.
I'll teach you something.
What did i tell you, rudy?
Denver!
When i get a feeling, i get a feeling.
Hell of a game!
You should have put some money on it.
- I did.
- Great!
On kansas city.
Kansas city?
How much did you put down?
All of it.
All of it?
Everything i own.
Forty gs?!
You dope! You just threw it
right down the tubes!
Don't you get it? The only way
you can win is if... if i lose.
I wouldn't worry about that.
I think your money's in the bag.
A minute to go... i think denver would
have to run into some pretty bad luck.
...denver would have to run
into some pretty bad luck...
he fumbled the ball!
It's recovered...
i got the ball...
i got it.
Hold this stuff,
i gotta turn this contest around.
I got the ball, jim.
I got a chance, babe.
- More salt!
- Please god...
...no one seemed to hit him, and yet,
the ball squirted, just like magic...
black magic, more like it, danny...
pass the ball...
is there a black cat in the house?
How about a ladder?
What the hell are you trying to do?
Duck!
Touchdown!
I don't believe it!
I made it!
You got the money, russo?
Or should i say "senator russo"?
Mr tucker, i gotta tell you,
i'm a little bit nervous about...
about what i'm supposed to do. What sort
of policies are you guys trying to push?
The party shares the concern of the
american taxpayer, the working man.
Here's the new freeway we're announcing.
My son-in-law got that contract.
Fine boy!
We're also in favour of public facilities.
We're going to tear down
that old hospital on the east side -
- and put in a nice golf course.
Chairman caldwell really likes to play
golf. Wins every tournament he plays in.
He's got a handicap, fine golfer.
And we're in favour of lowering taxes.
Didn't you use to work there?
Closed?
The party's
looking out for the consumer.
Last night, the proprietor made a
false claim on a television commercial.
One of our constituents
brought it to our attention.
The case goes before a judge in about
five minutes. Justice can be swift.
What the hell do you mean
you got hanging judge harrison?
He's not on our take, he's legit!
Remember that coloured kid
found guilty for stealing a case of beer?
Hanging judge harrison gave him
years of hard labour.
You need someone to throw
the book at this broad.
I've paid off all the witnesses, i even
have her attorney on my payroll.
I can win this case, roy. Trust me.
She's a first offender. That's a
$ fine, even if they do convict her.
She's gonna be convicted and i'm afraid
the fine is going to be real severe.
Jesus...
there's only one thing she can do:
Sell that lot.
Jesus christ!
Wait a minute, russo!
Hold it! Wait a minute!
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
The honourable h.h. Harrison presiding.
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
The honourable h.h. Harrison presiding.
All rise!
This court -
- is now in session.
Do you solemnly swear to tell
the whole truth, so help you god?
I do.
Excuse me...
excuse me... pardon me... sorry.
Mr slaton?
Will you commence the questioning?
Please state your name and occupation.
Barbara jane fuchs. I'm the owner
of the new deal car lot.
We have heard testimony
from four qualified experts, -
- right here in this courtroom, to the
fact that the commercial in question -
- was authorised by you
and was not tampered with in any way.
I put it to you, miss fuchs: Do you
have a mile of cars to sell on your lot?
Yes! Lie!
Could you repeat the question, please?
Do you have a mile of cars
for sale on your lot?
When placed end to end, will the cars
on your lot total one mile in length, -
- and may i remind you
you are under oath?
- I don't know...
- speak up, miss fuchs!
Yes.
Order!
Order! Order!
Miss fuchs?
Are you absolutely certain that you
understood the gentleman's question?
You realise, miss fuchs,
that one mile of cars is over cars?
Are you aware that you've opened
yourself up to a charge of perjury?
What?
I can produce a number of witnesses who
will testify to the fact that she is lying.
That she has, in fact,
only cars on her lot at this time.
Why don't see for yourself, judge?
Order!
- I have no objection to that.
- Neither do i.
Miss fuchs, i'm gonna release you
on your own recognizance.
Court will reconvene at . p.m.
At the new deal used car lot, -
- where i am going to
settle this matter once and for all.
keys, titles, cars.
But you've brought no transport trucks.
How are you gonna get them home?
I have drivers.
What have i done to the children?
- You want that one too?
- All of them, everything you got.
How about some marijuana? Some rifles?
- Anything that doesn't start, we'll tow.
- Listen, take him up on the reefer.
This had better work!
You told me that your students
needed some road experience, right?
They're gonna get a crash course.
Hey, you, amigo!
How about some rifles for your students?
Chico! Bring some rifles!
Take your hands off me, sir!
I don't believe in violence!
Forget about the rifles...
i think she skipped town.
Good! I'll win the damn thing
on a default. This calls for a toast...
to the man who in two hours will be
the biggest car dealer in the southwest.
Me. Roy l. Fuchs.
Straighten that out, carmine.
Drivers! To your cars!
Jeff, do you read me?
I just finished measuring these.
If we throw in the cars on the lot, -
- that gives us feet
safety margin. That's one car.
- That's playing it pretty close.
- Are we going to make it in two hours?
You girls ready for some
heavy duty driving?
Let's see, left hand at o'clock
and right hand at o'clock.
Jeff, do you read?
Yeah, you got your own "back door man",
i'll be bringing it up to your rear...
will you watch
where the hell you're standing!
You gotta find yourself
another car, nigger!
This is the only cadillac here and i don't
drive in nothin' but a cadillac.
We're towing a car!
Have you ever towed a car before?
- No.
- Oh great!
Drivers! Start your engines!
I'm gonna have to take one hand
off the wheel to start the car...
you're not gonna
flunk me for that, are you?
Just start the car.
- You ready?
- Let's go.
Let's move 'em out!
Come on, baby, let's go!
- How fast are we going?
- Fifty-five.
At this rate, i think we're
going to be about half an hour late.
Everybody listen up! We're gonna have
a lesson in driving history!
This is how we used to drive
on the highways: At seventy-five mph!
- Everybody seventy-five mph!
- Seventy-five!
Put that pedal on the floor!
I've got this motherfucker wide open!
This dude ain't no driving teacher,
he's some kind of con man.
That's miles over the speed limit.
At $ a mile, that's a $ fine.
They can't fine us,
we don't have our license yet.
It's the police! Stop!
Oh shit! Wait...
"at the scene of an accident,
always wait for the police to arrive."
- This is eleven forty-four...
- they're here.
Rudy, we just lost
our one-car safety margin, pal.
You'd better scout ahead for more cops.
We can't take any more chances.
Okay, ten-four.
- How much do you owe me now, carmine?
- Twenty-seven.
Look at that...
i just heard some crazy shit
on my police scanner.
There's a whole shitload of used cars
headed this way. You care about that?
Shit!
Rudy, i hope you read me
'cause we got a real big problem.
- What is it?
- Police roadblock.
- What the hell are you gonna do?
- We're going to take a short cut.
What are you... oh, hi, roy.
Did you see about
cars go by here?
No, we haven't seen 'em yet.
- Where the hell are they?
- Who cares? They'll never make it.
Yeah, the only way they can get there
on time is to drive as the crow flies.
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- What did you say?
Never mind!
Back up there and take a left!
You pea-brained ignoramus!
What a beautiful day.
Two thirty... whose idea was it,
going out to this used car lot?
I could have been out playing golf.
There they are!
Head for the lead truck!
Hey, rudy, looks like we got company.
Fuchs! What the hell is this?
Get out and get in the back!
Get in the damn back!
You're crazy!
Don't give me no goddam lip!
Get in the goddam back now!
What the hell is he doing?
Hey, rudy!
You want me to ram the son of a bitch?
No! Keep going!
We're running out of time!
Pull over closer!
Pull in behind them!
Pull in behind them!
Keep it going! Don't stop for anything!
He's got a gun!
- Shoot the son of a bitch!
- You motherfucker, you!
- Pull over!
- Get off of there!
You motherfucker!
Keep going!
Slow down...
i want you bad, you fat-ass!
I want you, man! I want you!
I gotta have you! I'm gonna get you!
- Heavy duty, brother!
- Follow the black car!
Thanks for dropping in!
Get away from me!
Stop that truck!
What am i supposed to do when someone's
standing on the hood of my car?
Close in! Faster!
Move it up closer!
Let go of him!
You all right?
Billingham, let's move this chariot.
I still may be able
to get in eight holes.
What the hell is this now?
A mirror truck?
I hope none of them's cracked...
let's go! That's it!
That's it!
We made it! Nice job!
That was some pretty heavy driving!
- We missed page !
- We're here, aren't we?
- This motherfucker's all right.
- This car is bad, i tell you, man!
Well, did i pass the test, mr ghertner?
Yes, as long as you promise
to get your license in another state.
I think we got plenty of time.
Look who's coming!
We made it!
I know you're seeing the same thing with
those itty-bitty beady eyes of yours.
I tell ya, that sure looks
like a mile of cars to me.
Let's just make sure, your honour.
Measure them! Every one of them!
No, sir! That's it!
I mean, that's a red car...
i'm sorry, i tried...
no, no, no, it's a red car.
If jeff don't get here,
we're going to be feet short.
Dammit...
jeff, come in!
Jeff, come in! Are you there?
Come in! Are you there?
Are you there?
- Jeff, come in, please!
- Where is he?
- Yeah, rudy, i'm here.
- Where's here?
I'm parked near the railroad crossing
on valley road, near highway .
Get over here! We're in a hurry!
Without your car we're feet short!
Can't they measure them any faster?
What do you expect me to do?
Put roller skates on them boys?
The paint washed off, rudy,
and there's red paint underneath, -
- you see, i can't drive it,
it's a red car!
Jeff, you've been driving it all day.
It's all in your mind, you can do it...
- which side of the tracks are you on?
- East.
He's on the wrong side. The .
is coming through. You've got to do it!
- I can't do it.
- Red cars don't mean shit!
I'm sorry... listen to me...
there's grey primer underneath that red
paint, you're really driving a grey car.
Please, jeff,
if you don't get here, we lose the lot.
- Fourteen seven!
- Seventeen feet, nine inches.
What do you think, toby?
Shit! Wouldn't you know it?
For once the train's on time.
- Seventeen six.
- Eighteen feet, four inches.
- Seventeen feet, nine inches.
- Fourteen four.
Come on!
Eighteen feet, four inches.
Is that the last car?
What's the final total?
Come on! One of these...
well, it'd better be a grey car...
you cheated! You cheated!
You cheated, you bastards!
Easy, roy, they're on
the last car and they're short.
Five thousand two hundred and sixty-two
and... eighteen will make a mile...
here it is, right there!
You're eighteen feet short.
Take it from the bumper!
Ah... you're two inches short.
feet, a mile of cars!
Case dismissed!
Wait a minute! Somebody pay you off?
A license plate don't count!
Come on, buddy! We won!
Don't give me that shit!
For uttering those contemptuous remarks,
i'm gonna put your balls in a sling.
Deputies! Let's haul ass!
Come on, buddy, come on...
well, partner...
that was terrific,
what you did here today.
With that new freeway ramp, you're gonna
have the best freeway access in the state.
You can have the biggest dealership
in the southwest.
I know we've had our differences, -
- but if you ever need a friend,
you've got one downtown.
Thanks, sam, thanks a million.
Well... partners.
Don't partner me! You knew about
that freeway the whole time.
I didn't know anything,
this is the first i've heard of it.
- Rudy, are you sure?
- Trust me.
- Excuse me, miss...
- ma'am?
What's that yellow paint doing
on that car? Did it use to be a taxi?
- That car there?
- Yes, that car there.
- No, ma'am, that's yellow primer.
- Yellow primer?
Yes, that's being used
on a lot of cars these days.
It's a rust preventative,
it adds life to the body...